Author's note
To VISION-KING, I am still planning on a Discord as a villain in future fics...but for the good Discord, I'm going in a different direction. Wink, wink!

Rainbow Dash's E-Mails: your funeral

"Rainbow Dash, how you gonna check that e-mail? With my pony hooves, with my pony hooves," Rainbow sang as she is at her computer. Let's see which reviewer is next!

I must ask the Rainbow Dash a question! If you were to love somepony would it be Soarin or Fluttershy?
XOXO Alexandrite Iridescence (Or SonicLuva)

"Why do ponies want to know about my love life?" Rainbow ask herself puzzled then she respond, "Okay, I am completely straight here so I would go for Soarin'...though Fluttershy sounds kinda hot...gah! Err...next e-mail!"

Subject: funeral

Dear Screaming Cyan Rainbow Dash,
What do you think your funeral would be like?
Sincerely Yours,
Nukendum

We see a picture of the Snotty Duo as the Michelin Man each (aka Nukendum sort of) with a caption that said 'Chap Au Fan!' Rainbow types in as she say, "Oh wow, Nukey, yours truly's funeral is going to be all the following like the hook, chain, charts, grid and most importantly, the cart."

Rainbow clears the screen as she continues, "Now then, first off, I gotta deal with the most difficult decision a newlydead faces when dead: what to do with my stinking, rotten remains. I mean, I don't want to lie there by sweet smelling flowers..."

---

We see Rainbow, eyes closed and skin paler, surrounded by flowers in a coffin that has the word 'COUGHING' at the side. Organ music is heard as we see a fat pony in a ducky shirt. The mare is heard saying, "...and sweat-smelling followers; Ick."

"Wow, she looks so peaceful." A mare is heard saying sadly.

Rainbow woke up and turns her head while snapping, "Awww, shut up, you! Peaceful isn't how Rainbow Dash rolls here!"

---

At the computer, Rainbow smirks while saying, "Which is why Rainbow Dash is going to be taxidoimied; Nothing sums up my life's achievements like my stuffed corpse..."

---

We see Rainbow on a log that says 'Equestrian National Park' while holding a Timberwolf. The mare is heard saying, "...holding a Timberwolf." She spoke in a high voice, "Mrow!" In a normal voice, Rainbow continues, "Why it would be kept in a place of honor for all of Equestria to admire for years to come."

Of course it turns out that Rainbow's body is standing in Fluttershy's cottage, not much of a place to admire, is it? Pinkie bounces in happily ina brown hat and jacket, hanging onto the statue while calling out, "Hey Fluttershy!"

"Oh hey, did you find the DNA evidence yet?" Fluttershy ask Pinkie with a smile while helping out a raccoon.

"Nope, but I'm getting close, I can taste it."

---

Rainbow shakes herself at her computer as she said, "Perhaps I could preserve myself fetal ig-style in a huge jar filled with salty tears..."

---

We see a jar with liquid that looks like water with Rainbow, mostly preserved, inside. Her corpse is missing a several pieces of flesh and has a ribcage exposed. The mare's voice continues, "...of all the heartbroken Wonderbolts that will pine...uh for me...uh..."

---

"That way there should be something left to re-animate after the zombie pony uprising begins." Rainbow said at her computer. The mare speaks hurriedly, pausing between. "In 2046...on March 31st...at 2:03 p.m. Awesome!"

Rainbow clears the screen as she continues speaking normally, "Okay, normally yours truly is a big fan of the classic..." The mare sings to the tune of the funeral march, "dunh-dunh-da-dunh-Dunh-da-dunh-da-dunh-da-dunh," She continues normally, "My funeral dirge will be different! It will be written and performed by the Shadowbolts!"

---

In a field, we see Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon, in black dresses, groaning as they have to carry Rainbow's remains in a jar on their backs as metal music plays.

"Ooh hoo ha ha haaa." The Shadowbolts is heard performing. As the two fillies continue struggling, the Cutie Mark Crusaders is following with Apple Bloom whipping the two bullies with a whip. The rest of the Mane Six and Ponyville are following, "Sister in a jar; Sister in a jar; Sisterinajar!"

"Hey come on, Apple Bloom, give one of us a turn with the whip!" Scootaloo whines to Apple Bloom, wanting a turn to whip the bullies.

"Not until mah hoof gits tired." Apple Bloom laughs as she kept on whipping Diamond and Silver like mad.

---

Rainbow continues onward on her computer, "Now, although I don't mind if my friends give out public speaking abilities, I pretty much prefer to pre-record my own eulogy and have it played back on 5 boomboxes..."

---

We now see five boomboxes, including a huge one and another made out of cardboard, stacked between two large vases of roses in them. Rainbow is heard saying, "...stacked on one another of course!"

Rainbow's voice then plays off of the boom boxes, "Greeting, admiring masses! Come on, pull yourselves together and turn the snot works off for Celestia's sake! We are gathered here to di..."

Suddenly electronic noises cut off Rainbow as we now hear Twilight's voice saying, "Hey, hope I am not recording over anything important! Okay, hit it!" The mare is heard saying, "I'm the T to the W I, T..." We see the unicorn and Applejack wearing black. The cowpony turns and glares angrily at her friend who, with bags under her eyes and looking down in embarrassment, moves her tail to the song a bit, "and ain't no other pony trollin down like me! I'm Twilightlicious!"

Pinkie, in a black suit, stands behind a pulpit between two vases of roses, spoke sadly, "Thanks, Rainbow." Regardless of the interruption, the funeral moves on as organ music plays, "And thus, a reading from the book of phone."

Rainbow put down a phone book onto the pulpit and spoke up, "Chapter 16..." She turns the page. "Pizzas; Pony Pizza; Mareaham Lincoln's Pizza Cabin," She turns the page. "Acupuncture and Pony Pizza..." We see an ad for the pizza place.

Pinkie's voice begins to wave as she continues, "Open late...free delivery." The pink pony sobs as she put the phone book away. "Okay, and thus, Fluttershy will do an interpretive dance based on the life of our pal Dashie."

We hear a gong and followed as Fluttershy dances in ballet clothes. But before she could do anything, shattering glass is heard, causing her and the music to stop with drops of water flying in from the left. The ponies gasps in shock as Rainbow's corpse came out of the jar, having broken out of it with her eyes messed up and her body disfigured. She came back to life!

Rainbow shakes her head as she spoke in a weird voice, "Sorry, ponies, this funeral is over. Not even death can stop yours truly from stopping my ballet wearing friend from prancing weirdly in my honor."

"But you didn't see my Chaup au Fan yet." Fluttershy protests to Rainbow in concern.

"Ha! Keep your chappy thing to yourself, okay?!"

---

Rainbow frowns as she continues on, "To be honest, a bunch of parasprites and famine got nothing on Fluttershy dancing interpretively. Brr. Well, I guess to spare Equestria the trouble, the best thing to do is not die...probably become an alicorn somehow. Anyway, I sure hope those zombie ponies would still allow me to fight on their side. I mean, I got my own tattered jeans and a mouthful of grape jelly. Anyone," The mare continues softly while typing smaller, "Zombies, jelly; Grapity?"

The paper comes down as this chapter/e-mail comes to an end.

The Year 2046...

Years later, in the year 2046, a zombie apocalypse has occurred in Equestria! Big Macintosh and Fluttershy are in hiding in a purple room with cardboard boxes and flickering lights, both are smoking cigars. Big Mac has a gray flat top and is wearing an ammo belt. The mare herself is stronger and got covered with her stubble.

"Fall back, those zombies got through our defenses." Fluttershy spoke in a deep and raspy voice.

"Eeyup," Big Macintosh said sternly. Enough, the ponies are watching a monitor that shows Rainbow in front of an open door, a part of a brain is stuck on the left side of her head and she is wearing ripped denim jeans. The mare groans madly as grape jelly came out of her mouth. Looks like Rainbow's wish has come true!

"We got to activate the doomsday weapon...get the ballet clothes!"

"Sisterinator," The Shadowbolts are heard. Looks like this is going to get messy!

The End

Author's note
That is what Rainbow's funeral would be like, so to speak. In the next chapter/e-mail, Rainbow answers an e-mail...from work. Read, review and suggest.

Twilight's song of course is based on the Twilightlicious meme that is going on.