Rainbow Dash's E-Mails: retirement

"MY COMPUTER HAS BEEN AWESOMEX-NAPPED!" Rainbow screams in terror in her computer room as suspenseful music plays. The mare discovered that her computer, the AwesomeX, has been kidnapped. But who could do just a thing?!

We hear a record scratching as the screen dims. Gello comes in from the bottom sayingm "Hey there, Billy!" The Jello Donkey flies across a yellow background. "Hear me roar!"

Gello roars for a moment then opens his mouth wide; the background turns red as sound lines come out of his mouth with him meowing. Anyway, we see two foals on top of the Jello Donkey as he remarks, "That's right, foals!" We see silhouettes of the main characters that scroll across the page with big question marks over them. The name appears as Gello continues, "Play the 'Liquidy Red Jello 'My Awesome X Got Stole!' Sweepstakes' to win BIG prizes," When the donkey says 'BIG', he grows big and large with his voice deepens.

We now see a bicycle as Gello's voice turns back to normal as he continues, "First prize..." We now see a metal detector. "...second tries..."

We see Gello in a car while driving with the mountains in the background. The Jello donkey sang out, "Take a trip to the mountains..." The words appear above the mountains that are written on a musical staff. Now the screen dims as Gello comes from the top with a top hat and cane. "I'm one singing and dancing donkey!"

As we see a wooden desk with a note card on it, Gello continues, "Now e-mail who you think has done it on a 3x5 note card..."The words 'IT WAS THE MINOTAUR' written on the note card. "...Stick some jello on each corner..." Now four jello pieces are put on each corner on the corner of the card.

Gello is seen talking through gritted teeth right at a portrait of an old jello female donkey, "AND WALK OFF, MA!" Now we see the ad on the TV in Rainbow's room as the Jello freak is next to a bag of the stuff. "Liquidy Red Jello', yeah, still," The last two words appear underneath Gello.

Rainbow, lying on the couch and surrounded by empty chip packets of a lot of snacks, groans in annoyance, "You got to be kidding me. I mean a lot of ponies are trying to make a bit or so off my heart-drooping loss." The mare feels around a nearest bag of chips, it's empty. "Oh man! I'm out of antidepressant! Nothing dulls the pain quite like a several dozen half-full bags of..."

As Rainbow lists the flavors, we see the symbols for them on top of the screen, "Italian-herb-chiptole-buffalo-ranch-guacamole-Pony Tai-peanut-style-chippery-chomps. Well, may as well go off to Applejack's place to get my prescription full up. Slink..."

Rainbow got up somehow and flew over the couch's armrest; Time to head over to Applejack's.

---

At Applejack's stand, Rainbow arrives but the cowpony is nowhere in sight; Strange.

"Applejack; Hey, buddy? Can I get a witness? Applejack," Rainbow asks as she glances around the stand...suddenly the mare screams as she saw something on the side of it: a power cord for a familiar computer hanging off the roof. Tense music plays. "It's the AwesomeX's computer tail! Hang on, pal...buddy, I'll save you!"

Rainbow flies back and forth anxiously while yelling, "Just keep your pixels on. Rainbow Dash is getting everything under control-alt-delete." The mare flew up onto the roof. "All right, who put you...GAH; YOU!?"

As suspenseful music plays, there's the AwesomeX being held by two familiar figures from Rainbow's place...the mare's first two computers the Lardy 2010 and the Flutterpony 399 but were since broken and shot. Sure enough, the former is still in broken condition and the latter still has the gunshot through the screen from when Applejack has to shoot it to save all of reality from a virus released by Rainbow Dash.

"It's my horse crappier and horse crappiest computers!" Rainbow exclaims in show. Both the old computers fizz and spark, the Lardy held a horseshoe magnet from fishing rod above the AwesomeX's keyboard as if threatening to destroy it at any given moment. "Now, come on, you two. Try not to do anything immature with that magnet. I still got a lot of important text files on that 5 meg hard drive..." We now see the files in question.

clncknmsfrmyslf dot text

Cool nicknames for myself

Miss Crazy Comment 1965
Giant Ponuys
The Fake French Filly
NO! (The words 'Lite 'n' Bunny is crossed out)
Celestia in Mortal Form
Good Fortunator
Hot Lass
Leprechaun
Jane Cole Filly's Evil Twin
Wise Mare
/got nothin'
The Det-colt Locksmith
Mareacre

Letter to Bakery Thrift Store

Dear Bakery Shift Store,
Who the hay are you fooling? You sell old baked good, the kind that the regulars throw away? So what if a loaf of bread is 29 bits? It's only old bread! Should I start collecting dead squirrels, glue cotton balls to their butts and open an 'Afterlife Bunny Thrift Store'? Wait, I would. Thanks Bakery Thift Store. Love, RD!

cldshplog dot text

Cloud Shape Creation Log

lightswitch with no cover
baseball headed colt
brown water
coltigan with two bites taking out of it
smallish hoof
box of crackers that aren't opened
pestilence
2 lizards giving low 5's
oversized novelty unicorn comb
cheap date
trixie lulamoon's ghost
lame maitre d
trixie lulamoon's corpse
diet pills

Rainbow continues trying to speak reason to her old computers, "All right, how about letting the AwesomeX go so we can all go out for hushpuppies...you two still like that stuff, right? Right," Needless to say, the two old computer fizzes, sparking a lot, "All right, sorry! Hushpuppies are out of the question. I just thought you computers like that stuff for some reason."

The computer kept fizzing and sparking with the Lardy churning its floppy disk drive. Rainbow frowns as she exclaims, "Hey! We ain't getting anywhere here! I don't speak majorly broken computer, okay?"

Just then the paper comes down, revealing the words, 'Hey Rainbow Dash. Let me help with the translation'.

"Oh, paper! Thank Celestia!" Rainbow exclaims with a smile. "You're just in time, find out what these guys want."

The paper goes up again as the Flutterpony 'talks' for a moment. The paper came back down as it explains 'They wish to come out of retirement...'

"Retirement; that's lame, they didn't retire, I threw those bunch of junks out!" Rainbow protests to the paper. "At least ask them if they want to come out of thrown-awayment if that's even a word."

The paper comes down again, explaining, 'They aren't laughing or kidding. They wish to check one last e-mail.'

"Whoa, are those two jokers kidding?! They can't check an e-mail with 60 ponies' help when the latter are dressed up as IT professionals!" Rainbow protests at the idea. The Lardy lowers the magnet a little, causing the AwesomeX's screen to turn on and showing this...

Dear, Foal!
It's the Real Screen of Almost Death! (RSoAD)

We see a comic strip of 'Dullhead'. In the first panel, the main character is working on his computer when his boss, Princess Bossyhead, came up, saying, "I want you to meet our new I.T. Professional."

In the second panel, Bossyhead points to a pony person while saying, "This is Obandy; try to treat him nice now."

The third panel shows Dullhead frowning as he points, "I'm a 1000% sure that is a pony."

The fourth panel shows Bossyhead glancing at the pony then giving some hay to it. The fifth panel shows Obandy chewing on the hay happily. Finally the last panel shows the boss shrugging as he comments to Dullhead, "Right, you may be onto something."

"Gah! Okay, okay, fine! I will do my best to give those guys what they want! I will save the orphanage...err, I mean my AwesomeX by doing it. Well, let's check e-mails like its deuce double-aught dweice!" The old computers 'talks' in a puzzled way. "Err, it means 2002...I thought it was slick...slick-rick...one way to talk, yeah..."

---

And thus, Rainbow begins working on e-mails again on her two old computers back at the desk. First off, she works on the Lardy; you can hear the old typing effect. Throughout this, the Lardy itself sparks it screen throughout just like before.

"Green lines, green, green lines; It's a Rainbow Dash E-mail again." Rainbow sang as she brings up the e-mail on the Lardy.

dearest rainbow dash
ever remember that e-mail that you deleted the hardest?
sincerly
todd
oatsland

Rainbow reads 'sincerely' as written when 'todd oatsland' as 'toddo kland'. She also added an extra pause between 'dearest' and 'rainbow'. The mare mumbles, "All righty...let's see...zero capitalization..." The first letters of each of 'dearest', 'rainbow', 'dash', 'ever', 'sincerly', 'todd' and 'oatsland' are briefly highlighted. "Now the misspelling..."

The word 'sincerely' is briefly highlighted. Rainbow continues, "Lack of punctuation..." The blank places after 'dash', 'hardest', 'sincerely' and 'todd' are briefly highlighted. The mare spoke with a hint of insincerity. "Aaaaand we got a winner big time."

Rainbow types in as she continues, "Dearest Toddo, got some cool good news for ya! I do remember the e-mail that I deleted the hardest...and trust me; I'm doing so RIGHT NOW!" The mare stops typing, "Pinkie Pie! Some help if you please!"

We see Pinkie Pie nearby with a bottle of Cloudsdale Dew, smiling as she pour the stuff into the hole in the Lardy's side. The pink pony calls out, "Way ahead of ya, RD!"

"Plus, we add some of the Granny Smith's fizzy denture tablets..."

Rainbow held up a box of 'Oh No You Dent! Dentures Tablets' while smirking. An annoyed Granny Smith is heard protesting, "Hey, those are my after-dinner mints, whipper snapper!"

Rainbow toss some of the tablets into the hole and spoke in heavy reverb, "All right, if you please turn in your hymnals and join me in singing number 119...a-deleted.."

As Rainbow hit the keyboard, the words 'DELETED!' show up on screen with a gothic front. Organa music plays, both Rainbow and Pinkie sing, "Deleted!"

Soon Rainbow swings a pickaxe through the keyboard and the desk. The lardy blows up, giving out a bad graphics mushroom cloud. Pinkie yelps as she turns away, falling to her legs while closing her eyes. That was intense!

"Well, goodbye, buddy; they will always say that you went out in one awesome blaze of green rectangular glory." Rainbow said as the explosion animation is replayed. The pink pony, one eye still closed, pours the soda onto the floor. "Oh yeah, one down, one to go!"

Now the shotgunned Flutterpony is on the desk with suspenseful music playing. Time to deal with this other computer once and for all...

---

Rainbow sat in front of the Flutterpony. Despite the hole in it, the mare manages to type in 'rainbowdashemail dot exe' while singing, "There's a big ol' hole inside my email, makin' it hard to cheeeeck..." To her surprise, when the e-mail is brought up, it is formatted around the hole. "Awesome! Automatic hole formatting!" As Rainbow reads, the Flutterpony send out some sparks.

Dear Rainbow Dash,
I like to see you perform some awesome
feats of
wonder

Very ser-iously,
Duke S.

Rainbow says 'Double Dear Rainbow Dash' in place of the first line. When she reads 'wonder', the mare comments, "What, as in more awesome than checking an e-mail on this computer?!" In place of the name, Rainbow says 'Duke South'; we see a southward traffic sign.

Rainbow types in, saying, "Well, I am serious as well...serious about the most awesome, temperaing, hoof-defying, mind-googling sights in Equestria!" The mare stops typing while saying, "Lalalalalalalaaaaaa!"

A boater hat lands on Rainbow's head as she catches a cane. The mare calls out, "Fillies and Dukie, I give you..." The whole computer room as if like a theater curtain, showing a carnival tent. Rainbow continues speaking as if like a carnival barker, "Rainbow Dash's Awesome Feats of Wonder!"

Rainbow goes up in the foreground as she continues, "Gawk and freak as yours truly speak like an one-timey sideshow caller and say 'Lalalalalalalaaaaaa' to everything I say! Lalalalalalalaaaaaa," The mare ducks as we go to inside the tent. "First off in our gallery of ocular freakness, it's a contortionist...with one twist!"

Rainbow moves away to show a curtain that says 'GOLDEN HARVEST - FILLY TYPE! KA-RAZY;' the mare continues, "Now feast your Winter Wrap-Up ravage eyes on..." The curtain lifts showing Golden Harvest with her mane green like during Trixie's first appearance. "Golden Heart, the Pony Fii-lly Rrrrrotini!"

A logo for 'The Pony Fii-lly Rrrrrotini' appears with Golden curling her neck like a spring. The audience made sounds of amazement. Rainbow comment, "Check this out, an ocean of pesto stuff!"

Green stuff is thrown at Golden Harvest, making her yelp in annoyance, "Hey! That isn't part of the act!"

We see Granny Smith with some of the green liquid drilling down from her mane, saying eagerly, "Yes, sir; it's part of mine; Lalalalalalalaaaaaa!"

Granny sucks in the liquid as we go back to Rainbow who spoke, "Now if you direct your attention to the Kitty Stage..." The mare moves aside to show a curtain that now says 'OPALESCENCE - AND HOW! PART LION;' "...the flea circus has left town and its inmates are getting restless!"

The audience ooohs as the curtain is lifted, revealing Opalescence, manacled and not happy at all. The mare calls out, "Gather strong at Opalscence's Flea Prison Riot!"

As the words appear, we see a magnifying glass focusing on Opalscence, showing a tiny prison in her fur with small black dots rioting and squabbling. The prison got some flames coming out of the window with a siren being heard.

Rainbow is now in front of a curtain that reads 'Trixie Lulamoon - BIG EGO! DO U DARE' with a symbol that is supposed to look like Trixie. The mare boom, "And let's not forget Trixie Lulamoon's hooves of wonder...if you can."

The audiences go 'ahhh' as the curtain is moved up, showing Trixie wearing a blue dress...and a beard. We see a paper that said 'stupid's stupid horsecrap that I hate' for a moment. The unicorn uses her magic to reveal her hooves, much to the gasp of the audience.

"Trixie calls them 'soolnds'." Trixie said with a smirk.

"And finally, so ghastly, the ate-thh wonder of Equestria!" Rainbow exclaims. The curtain shows 'Spike - ATE THH; BIG,' "Dragon-mouth!"

As the curtain lifts, we see Spike in a loincloth, the logo 'DRAGON-MOUTH' appears. As the audience gasps as the baby dragon growls, "ROOOOOOAR," He opens his mouth very wide that takes up most of his body, making a dragon shape. The audience gasps once more.

Rainbow pops in while shouting, "This land-locked dragon can subsists only on outdated stuff!" The mare booms as she ducks away. Sure enough, the Flutterpony is thrown into Spike's mouth before he closes it. The baby dragon jumps as a sparkling sound is heard but gulps it down anyway. Rainbow pops in again as she throws her hat and can. "Yes, we did it; Lalalalalalalaaaaaa!"

The scene raises a curtain once more, showing the computer. Rainbow looks happy and for a good reason. Her AwesomeX is back in its rightful place on the desk.

"AwesomeX; you're back-y! You and I have some unfinished business, little filly." Rainbow said pleased as she sat down at her computer. Time to finish up what the mare fails to do earlier: the cliffhangers part. She begins typing; anywhere a comma is at as a dull tapping sound is heard. "Well, Dodo-ula, all the cliffhangers are solved for real! Well, AwesomeX buddy, hope your battery is resolved because I'm about to take you out for those hush puppies that you always wanted."

Rainbow takes the computer as she trots off.

---

As Rainbow held the AwesomeX and flies across the sunset, we see ghostly images of the Lardy and the Flutterpony appearing over them, the Bad Graphics Ghost and a dancing skeleton appears on the two respectively.

Just then the music stops as the AwesomeX points out, "Uh, Rainbow Dash? I don't even like hushpuppies!"

"Really; huh, I could've sworn that one of you liked hushpuppies." Rainbow said puzzled. If the computers doesn't like hushpuppies then who did?

Just then the paper come down, reading 'It was me, I like them'. The music starts once more...but stops with a record scratch.

"Can we find my toe now?" AwesomeX ask Rainbow who stops walking to look up at the ghostly images which speed away upwards.

---

At a familiar carnival, we see a curtain with an apple that shows Granny Smith's head. It reads 'Granny Smith - ONE DER; APPLE PONY?"

Rainbow is heard yelling out, "Half pony, half cholestrol! Can I get an 'ooh-ahh' for Appledor?!"

The curtain lifts up showing Granny Smith behind a counter with a frying pan. The machine arm hold up a toothpick above it as the words 'APPLEDOR!' is shown.

"Eeew, ugh," The audience members exclaims in disgust. Granny burps, showing one odd colored bubble that float towards the frying pan. The machine arm juts forward to grab the bubble and makes innards of egg that fell right into the frying pan.

The audience gasps in amazement as Granny Smith remarks, "That's nothing! If you like my burps, then see my..."

Rainbow cuts in front of the scene as she exclaims quickly, "...seen enough of that one, folks; Lalalalalalalaaaaaa!"

The End

Author's note
All right! Rainbow saved her AwesomeX, pretty cool! In the next chapter/e-mail, the mare discusses crayons and goes to Twilight Sparkle's cult...err, I mean, classroom, yeah. Read, review and suggest.