Rainbow Dash's E-Mails: isp

Rainbow is at it once more, singing while bringing up the first e-mail on her show, "A badaly-doo, it's time for email, bra-doop-da-dabadoo."

Subject: ISP
Dear Rainbow Dash,
Since you answer e-mails, you got to have some sort of internet, right? What kind do you ponies get in Equestria? Who runs is? Is it expensive?
Your bestest super duper buddy on the planet,
Mittey, UK

Rainbow said "Ha! Not even close" after 'Your bestest super duper buddy on the planet' then says 'UK' as 'you 'kay?' The mare then types in as she answers, "Yeah, Mittey, I'm okay, calm down! Geez! Anyway, of course I got the internet. How else could I download this awesome animated gif/gif of a cute break dancing rabbit?"

Rainbow brings up something...a progress bar that pops up with a Window sound that says '11% Complete' with 'Less than a fortnight remaining' below. Needless to say, the mare looks shocked and disbelief. This should've been done by now!

Rainbow types in while yelling, "What the hay?! 11 percent; I started downloading this baby about 2 days ago! Oh, that is it; Tech support, hold on to your fat, sweaty D&D playing headsets or muffins; Time for Rainbow Dash to Do-Sum-Bow-Dis!"

Rainbow picks up the telephone to make a complaint to her tech support. We hear a phone ringing as the screen is spilt by a phone cord. Who is in the office right now than Derpy whose cubicle wall got a Post-It-Not that said 'Note to self: Chew more'. The crossed-eye Pegasus pony is wearing a headset during the conversion.

"Thanks for calling the internet!" Derpy answers happily over the phone. "Can I have your account number or identify theft?"

"No, but you can have a heapin' helpin' of my uncontained anger!" Rainbow snaps to Derpy in annoyance.

Derpy picks up some sheets of paper and reads slowly from them, "Uh...madam, try to calm down. Your CD tray isn't a cup holder." The mare turns the page. "Sorry, can't help you clear your browser cache. No, I ain't in the Griffin territory."

"Will you be quiet and listen up?!" Rainbow scowls at Derpy, causing her to drop the papers in surprise. The cyan Pegasus pony hits the keyboard while continuing, "My internet is crawling around like...something funny...that crawls around!"

"Sure, I can help you with that! Please hold while I transfer you to another pony whose can do that for you."

"What?!"

Derpy happily begins singing, "Doo doot. Tch; Doo doo dit; Tch; Doot doo doot; Tch," The Pegasus pony begins standing up and flying around (she is the only visible tech representative in the office). "It's the hold music, do doot. Tch. Pa doo doot; Tch. Boodoo doo doot; Tch," She then finishes with a high-pitched voice. "Hold music!"

Derpy sits down, speaking to Rainbow in a telephone voice, "Thanks for holding. Your call isn't that important to us. The next available representative wi..." The goofy pony then goes back into her normal voice. The cyan twitches intensely. "Okay, back! How about I verify your address so I could send you my weight in free sign-up CDs?" We see a picture of the CDs in question.

"Oh, that's enough!" Rainbow screams furiously as she hits a hoof against the keyboard again. The mare has had enough of this horse crap! "I'm flying my pasty cyan flank down there to speak to the stallion in charge!" The mare then slams the phone door and heads off to do just that.

"Okay! Glad that problem is taken care of! Anything else I can..."

---

Rainbow fumes as she flew through Ponyville at dusk. The mare is going to where the place which takes care of her internet is at: Time Turner's laboratory. She stops there, slightly out of breath from flying.

Time Turner came to the stand, saying, "Well, well. It's my lone internet customer; How the e-business doing, Rainbow?"

"Now listen up, old man Turner!" Rainbow snaps angrily to Time Turner. "What's the big idea of you throttling me down here?!"

"Wait, throttling you down; that isn't one of the 99 ways to rip you off! And even then, I don't do that!"

"Wait, back in the day, I used to connect 1200 baud...but since the merger, I would be lucky if I could get the 12 kind!"

"Hmmm..." Time Turner said in concern as he raises a hoof. "Let's get down to the Datum Center and see if we can resolve your problem."

"Good idea." Rainbow said with a nod; Time to figure out why her internet being so darn slow.

In a garage, there is a lot of computers with Time Turner's face on each one working, all of them is sporting a sign that is labeled 'Datum Center'. Rainbow and the owner come into the place to figure out what the problem is.

"All right, this is where the magic happens." Time Turner said while motioning to the computers. He scratches his mane puzzled. "Now...what could the trouble be?"

"Yeah...I wonder." Rainbow said sarcastically. She glares at one computer that has a garden hose sticking out of it with smoke issuing from the back; must be her internet, "Betcha not this computer that got a garden hose sticking out of it."

"What the hay?! Somepony is sucking up my bandwidth!"

The two follows the garden hose upside and soon find their culprit who is messing with Rainbow's internet: there's Tough Apple sucking on one end of the hose like mad.

"Tough Apple," Rainbow exclaims to Tough in annoyance.

Tough Apple takes the house of his mouth which is now tiny. The stallion spoke in a high-pitched voice, "Ah is a website now!"

Rainbow and Time Turner begins to laugh. At least now the problem is resolved. Even Tough joins in in his regular voice; if course the laughter gets more hysterical until it reaches the point of insanity!

---

Eventually the internet problem is taken care of as the status bars now reads '99%' and has the word 'Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...'on it where 'Less than a fortnight remaining' used to be. Soon we hear a ding as it is replaced by '100%' and 'Already?!'.

The computer screen shows an animated gif of a rabbit dancing to computer tune. The whole thing is now replaced by yellow test that says 'OKAY, THIS ISN'T REALLY BREAK DANCING. WHAT ELSE CAN YOU DO?' The paper comes down, bringing this whole thing to an end. We now see the collection of free sign-up CDs in the shape of Derpy flying.

The End

Author's note
Looks like Rainbow's internet problem has been taken care of, folks. In the next chapter/e-mail, our favorite Pegasus pony considers redesigning the 'No Loafing sign' and painting her computer room. Read, review and suggest.