Rainbow Dash's E-Mails: Stallion-ing

Rainbow is at it once more. She is at her computer, typing to bring up her first e-mail while singing loudly in falsetto, "Why do I check emails the way I do? I don't know."

Rainbow

So anyway I've been thinking and ever been to the theatre before? like on a date with somepony and oh that reminds me you should check out the anime sometime one of them is Girls Bravo its about a kid when he gets to close to the opiste sex he breaks out in a rash yikes so anyway though take a look at it and tell me what you think i'd love to hear your opinion on it currently i'm watching episode 7 right now oh that also reminds me you should meet Firefly yea she's alot like you personality wise like wise with Twilight Applejack Rarity and Fluttershy ... I wonder how that would turn out anywho see ya round

Your's Truely Adam

Rainbow pauses as she begins to type, "Yeah, I've been to the theatre, though I haven't been back since I was banned. That's a long story I will tell you another time. Girls Bravo; not sure if we get that show but maybe I will check it out on DVD; Now Firefly, I would love to meet if she's still alive; next e-mail!"

Subject: Stallions...
Dear Rainbowest of the Dashes,
We are two pathetic mares who can't get anything with the colts. Since you are an expert when it comes to stallions, any chance you could give us any tips on stallion...ing?
Your 2nd and 3rd best Friends Ever,
Betty and Veronica

Rainbow reads 'Rainbowest of the Dashes' very quickly and rhytmatically. After saying, 'can't get anything with the colts', the mare comments, "Yeah, that is something I wouldn't opening admit-fully." She also reads 'stallion-ing' and 'stallion?' (Pause) 'ing'?'

"2nd and 3rd best friends?! Come on, what about Fabrowski?! What did you two do to her?!" Rainbow demands to the e-mailers in frustration. "Well, who cares? That filly is probably out doing that 'stallion-ing' with that fake flank she always has. That's only going to attract some diamond diggers."

Rainbow clears the screen as she continues, "Well, desperate losing mares or not, you two should remember that I address this issue a long time ago, back before Twilight moved into Ponyville, back before the incidents that made us famous. In fact...it might as well be the first e-mail that I've ever checked; Scootaloo; how about to roll that beautiful e-mail footage for our fans!"

Scootaloo trots in with a Laserdisc, much to Rainbow's delight as she said, "Sweet, one of those Laserdisc things!" As music begins, the filly spins the disc while her idol sings. "Scootaloo's playin' something on a Laserdisc. Everything is better on Laserdisc; whatever happened to the Laserdisc; Laserdisc!"

Rainbow and Scootaloo high-hoof one another as the music stop. The filly trots off to the left to begin the clip.

Flashback

We see an arena in Ponyville's past. The years were simple back then as Twilight and Spike haven't moved to Ponyville yet, Nightmare, Discord and the Changelings weren't big threats and the Elements of Harmony weren't used to save the day.

We see the Mayor of Ponyville, years younger, in the ring calling out into the microphone, "And now in the red corner, from Cloudsdale, the Rambling Wreck of E-Mail Check...Rainbow Dash!"

In a corner of the wrestling ring, we see a table that held Rainbow's first computer, the Lardy 2010. A trapdoor opens up as Rainbow flew out of it, landing onto the mat with a loud thud.

"Hey greetings all you ponies! Holy horsecrap! Hey, welcome to the Rainbow Dash Show where yours truly check a real e-mail from each one of you slow pokes!" Rainbow taunts the crowd, making them boos. She made a cloud appear and send hail onto them. "Shut up!"

One hail hits someone in the crowd causing him to say 'ow'. Rainbow laughs at this while saying, "Right, now, let's get holy horsecrap to business!" The mare goes over to the Lardy to bring up her e-mail in some way.

Dear Rainbow Dash,
I am a desperate losing mare. Any chance you give me any tips on stallion-ing?
Your 1st best Friend ever,
Fabrowski

"Yes, of course, when it comes to the stallions, I really got no competition!" Rainbow exclaims as she flew up and shakes while saying it, "Holy horsecrap. First off Fabrowski, you gotta look as much as possible like the one and only Rainbow Dash."

Rainbow points herself with her hooves while continuing, "Then you gotta have wings..." The mare takes out some sandpaper while continuing, "And sand them off." She then rubs the sandpaper onto her wings, "Then you gotta have cool hooves that accentuate all your suppleties, whatever that means."

Rainbow swivels her body around once before continuing, "But sometimes..." She does so again. "...that isn't enough and you gotta douse yourself in the finest..." Rainbow takes out a can of gasoline, "Equestrian aftershave lotion."

Rainbow then did the unthinkable: she pours gasoline on herself causing the crowd to cheer. With a smirk, the mare trots over to Applejack, who isn't wearing her cowboy hat, and Big Macintosh; You can tell that she smells because gasoline fumes emante above Rainbow.

"Hey Big Mac; Want my hot body?" Rainbow asks Big Macintosh seductively while flying, shaking around as she spoke.

"Uh, Rainbow Dash; Eeeew, why do yew smell like a garage," Applejack asks Rainbow in concern.

"Eeyup, I wonder about that too!" Big Macintosh remarks in agreement.

"Why you...let's go!" Rainbow exclaims angrily as she pounces at Applejack, somersaulting over and over with a helicopter like until she lands on her head.

We now see a huge explosion of stars before seeing Applejack knocked to the mat with stars spinning above her eyes, making the mare groan, "Ah sure hope 'dat was an accident." We see Rainbow on top of the ropes, no longer emanating gasoline fumes.

"For you fans, that was an accident. We are just friendly rivals after all. Anyway, the stallions cannot resist cool wrestling moves off the top rope."

Rainbow then jumps from the top rope before hitting Applejack who is still down. We can see another starry explosion as the cowpony yelps in somewhat pain.

"Shucks, 'dat's a bit resistible." Big Macintosh remarks while watching the action in the ring.

"And in the event of that not working out, make sure you bring your cute Pegasus buddy..." Rainbow explains as we see Fluttershy trotting up...but falls through the ground when a trapdoor opens up accident, "Oh, sorry, Fluttershy; Ahem, or holy horse crap adorable filly who follows you all over at times."

Sure enough, we see Scootaloo trotting in from the right, smiling as she bats her eyes at Big Macintosh, saying, "Hey Big Mac!"

"Shucks, no offense but the whole thing smells like a garage with gum in it." Big Macintosh said with a frown.

"Scootaloo, didn't I tell you to wear the Equestrian aftershave lotion?!" Rainbow asks Scootaloo with a frown, making the filly turn and shrug to her. The mare sighs while waving her off, causing Scootaloo to leave. "And if all else fails..."

We see a table set up into the ring that has a tablecloth, two candles and a serving platter. Scootaloo gallops by it while humming a bit. Rainbow remark, "Get out the secret weapon..." The lid was removed off the platter to show two burritos and a tin of Marego's Caviar, "A candlelit dinner that invites caviar burritos and the finest cigars in Equestria!"

Rainbow with a smile and is emanating gasoline fumes again held a cigar up to a candle to light...but of course it explodes due to the gasoline itself. The mare screams in pain before we see Rainbow's head turned into ashes, leaving only her mouth the only thing to 'survive'.

"Shucks, Rainbow Dash, yew doesn't get it, do yew?" Applejack asks Rainbow dryly. "What 'de stallions wanted is a mare whose isn't making a foal out o' herself...an' her face."

"Eeyup," Big Macintosh remarks in agreement.

"Holy horsecrap," Rainbow coughs a bit.

"Still, no one would remember 'dis in a few years anyhow." Applejack remarks with a smile to Rainbow. "We is stars!"

Applejack leaps into a freeze frame. The background turns right as we see the words 'The End' in the corner. Someone is heard saying 'ding' a few times in time with the theme music.

End Flashback

The present, Rainbow is sleeping at her computer while snoring. The mare woke up with a stat, yelping as she begins to type, "Huh?! What, ooh; Oh yeah. Those old cartoons can tired a pony out. Anyway, so yeah, Betty, time to plant cucumbers. Stocks are up while the zebra stripes are down. As for old Rainbow Dash, she got a date with a bowl of crème Brule ice cream...Cream..."

Rainbow got up and leaves. Of course, a few seconds later, we see her at the table, snoring away as the paper comes down, bringing this e-mail/chapter to an end.

---

We see Applejack and Big Macintosh in the field. What's odd about the cowpony is that we see her wearing a fake flank.

"So Big Mac, I is wearing a cowpony hat so as to accentuate all my bubbleties?" Applejack remarks in a fake falsetto. She spoke normally while asking, "So what yew think?"

"Not sure, did you get any stallions yet?" Big Macintosh asks Applejack puzzled.

"So far, a few times..."

We see a bottle of 'Genghis Colt' lotion for mares ('Smells like a Tyrant') as well as see a brief dream of Rainbow somersaulting over a canyon.

The End

Author's note
Okay, so Rainbow is an expert...so to speak. Man, these author notes are getting weak. In the next chapter/e-mail, we find out what happened to the Getting up Noise as it become popular. Read, review and suggest.