Romance and the Fate of Equestria

Chapter One Hundred and Forty

Ding!

Elevator doors opened, and a portion of the large party emerged into the lobby of the hotel. Seconds later, the rest of them came out of the other elevator, and the twelve of them gathered together.

"Man, did you see that directory?" Apple Bloom said enthusiastically. "This hotel's got the works!"

"It does indeed," said Twilight. "And here is where we part ways."

"What?" Apple Bloom said in alarm.

Twilight pointed to a room just off the lobby, which mostly shrouded in darkness, lit only by neon signs and glowing screens. "The Teen Zone," she proclaimed. "We'll be leaving you here while the rest of us get dinner."

"All us adults'll be hittin' a fancy restaurant," Applejack confirmed. "We got reservations, but figured you kids'd be bored to tears, so we just made it for the eight of us. You four go on in there."

Apple Bloom admired what she could see of the little room: a stage, arcade games, both a buffet and waiters.

"This looks pretty sweet," said Scootaloo. "Come on, Spike!"

Arm in arm, the two of them rushed into the Teen Zone.

"Aaaaand, right back to it," Rainbow remarked dryly. "What a punk."

"Oooh, they've got an open mic," Apple Bloom observed. "I think I might take a shot at that."

"Take all the shots you want," said Applejack, winking. "Who's gonna stop ya?"

"Hay, yeah!" Apple Bloom hoof-bumped her sister.

"Catch ya later, sis."

"You too, AJ," Apple Bloom called as she galloped into the room.

Rarity smacked Sweetie Belle on the rump, causing her to skitter forward in alarm.

"Now, darling," Rarity said sternly, "go on in there, have fun, loosen up. You've been understandably glum as of late, but a sea of high-energy hormones like that should clear that gloomy old mood right up."

"Hormones…" Sweetie mumbled.

"Look…" Rarity said, bending down to look her sister in the eye. "A vacation like this doesn't fall into your lap every day. You've got one shot, one opportunity, to lose yourself in the music and the moment. Get in there, lose control, get your ya-yas out, you'll feel so much better. Okay?"

"Okay…" Sweetie Belle peeped.

"Good. Have fun and don't make out with anypony I wouldn't make out with."

Sweetie Belle rolled her eyes. "It always comes back to sex with you guys. What's up with that? I mean, look, I'm not exactly an angel: I'm thirteen, I think about sex every seven seconds, but at least I have the decency to keep those thoughts to myself. You guys…"

"Well, have a bit of gratitude that now those visions can be accurate," Rarity countered, patting her on the rump again. "Go on."

Sweetie nodded and walked away. "'Don't make out with…'," she muttered. "I don't know how much that narrows it down…"

She entered the room, looking around at all the fun opportunities to divert herself… and simply took a seat, hanging her head and swimming in her thoughts as Apple Bloom took the stage.

"Hey, y'all!" she declared. "Who's ready to rock?"

The crowd of teens cheered.

"Well, too bad, 'cause I was gonna do some stand-up comedy, actually," she said dryly. She caught the eye of Sweetie Belle, who managed a smile back at her.

"So, uh… hmm…" Apple Bloom pondered. "I don't have anything prepared. Well, I'm visiting from Ponyville, it's my first time in Manehattan. Things are pretty different here, and it's kinda confusing, like…" She gazed around the room for inspiration; among the room's decorations, she saw a set of traffic lights.

"Like how you've got traffic lights here!" she said smoothly. "Green means go, yellow means wait, red means stop. That threw me off, because, uh… because on a banana, it's just the opposite. Green means wait, yellow means go, red means 'where the hell did you get that banana at?'"

That got a laugh, and encouraged, she proceeded with a wider smile and more confident delivery. "Speakin' of bananas, I was at Sugarcube Corner, that's the local bakery down in Ponyville, and somepony asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, and I said, 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.'

"My friend Sweetie Belle is over there. Hey, girl! She had a boyfriend a while back. One night they were sittin' under the stars, and she said, 'Featherweight, will you love me forever?' and he said, 'I doubt it, I don't even love you now.'"

Sweetie Belle glared, but was unable to stifle a giggle.

"I taught myself how to play the guitar," Apple Bloom went on, "which was a bad idea, because I didn't know how to play it. So I wasn't a very good teacher. If I wanted to learn guitar, I shouldn't have went to me.

"Hey, who here takes a shower every day? Most of ya? You know what, that just doesn't do anything for me. You take a shower, and you already took one yesterday, well, you're pretty much clean, there's no satisfaction there. Me, I usually go two, three weeks. 'Cause then there's actual dirt buildup to get rid of, and the shower is a fulfillin' experience. You get to see all the silt and mud drip off your body and land on the floor of the shower, and, you know, the occasional twig, and ants—now that's a shower!"

She spotted somepony near the stage rolling his eyes and muttering to a friend. "Hey!" she said sharply. "Hey, you there! You got a question? Yeah, I didn't think so. Shut up. I dunno what the rules about heckling are in this place, but I'll kill you." She laughed. "No, no, you're good. It's all good, you're okay. In fact, thank you very much, sir, for your contribution in the prevention of teen pregnancy." She glowered at him smugly. "That's right, you heard me."

Leaving him with that, she wandered across the stage a bit more. "There's a problem with juvenile delinquency in this country, I'll tell ya that right now. And I think we all know what the source is. It's friggin'… young folks."

Spike and Scootaloo giggled from their own table. "Is she just making this up as she goes?" Spike marveled.

"I guess so," said Scootaloo. "Who knew she had a knack for stand-up comedy?" She watched Apple Bloom for a moment more, then leaned toward Spike and spoke softly. "Hey. You wanna, uh, go up to one of the hotel rooms? We're super-close to our goal, I can feel it, so while I still can, I want us to go through with what I asked for."

He considered that. "The private make-out session, just you and me?" he muttered back.

"Yeah."

"Really? What about all that stuff that Rainbow Dash said?"

"Oh, pfft, Rainbow Dash," Scootaloo said dismissively. "She means well, and that probably would have been good advice for anypony else, but she doesn't grasp the complexities of our relationship. We're just helping each other out, you and me. You get to make Sweetie Belle jealous, and I get to make out with you. It's a brilliant partnership, really."

Spike shifted in his seat and smirked at her. "It's not exactly an equal partnership," he remarked. "It's not as if us making out is a one-sided part of the bargain. I get to make out with you too. Whole deal kinda skews in my favor that way."

Scootaloo blushed and smiled. "You like that part, do you?"

"Of course I do."

She beeped his nose. "You're so sweet. Come on, let's go."

The two of them departed, barely restraining themselves from overturning tables along the way, seemingly trying to outrun each other in their eagerness. Sweetie Belle watched them go dispassionately; she attempted to turn her attention back to Apple Bloom but found she just couldn't.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

For all their excitement on their trip up to the hotel room, Spike and Scootaloo were oddly quiet and still now that they were there, sitting on the big cushy bed and facing each other, but not touching.

"Wow…" Spike said awkwardly. "This sure feels different without an audience."

"Yeah…" Scootaloo agreed under her breath. "Yeah. Well, uh, I guess we should just start slow and work our way up."

"Okay."

Neither of them moved.

"We should start, though," Scootaloo said pointedly.

"Right…"

He scooted forward and embraced her, kissing her neck and the side of her face, and nibbled on her ear.

"Ooh," she exclaimed in surprise, before relaxing and sinking into the pleasant sensation with a giggle. "Hehe… can I ask you something?"

"Of course," he breathed.

"You spend a lot of time with mares like Fluttershy, Rarity, Twilight… the hottest chicks in Ponyville, basically."

He shrugged. "I suppose so," he said between kisses.

"Do I… compare… at all… in a town full of pretty girls like that?" she said carefully.

"Oh, yeah!" he said instantly, pulling away so he could look her in the face. "Scootaloo, you are extremely sexy. Probably the sexiest filly I know."

"Really?" she said skeptically. "Come on, what about Sweetie Belle?"

"Sweetie Belle isn't sexy."

"You don't think she's sexy?" Scootaloo demanded.

"Nah. Oh, she's cute, that's for sure. And pretty. And when she's really in the zone and feeling good about herself, she's beautiful. But no, she's not sexy."

Scootaloo stared blankly. "…Don't all those words mean the same thing?"

"Eh, maybe to some people," he said knowingly. "But I don't see it that way."

"Okay. What's the difference?"

"So glad you asked," he said, pulling her closer. "'Cute' is when somepony's looks just make you smile. 'Pretty' is when they give you the butterflies in your tummy, right?"

"Okay," she said, nodding in comprehension.

"'Beautiful', that's more like when your heart starts pounding and you can't breathe," he went on, leaning toward her.

"Mm-hmm…"

"And then there's 'hot'… 'sexy', if you will… that's when your blood boils and something feral and kinda scary awakens inside ya."

"I see," she said, enthralled. "And Sweetie Belle is all of those first three things?"

"She is indeed."

"What would you call Apple Bloom?" she challenged.

"Hmm. Hard to place her since the whole goth thing, but before that, she was cute. Undiluted cute."

"And I'm hot?" she said, batting her eyes at him.

"You're so hot," he agreed, hugging her even tighter.

"Okay!" she said enthusiastically. "I'm getting what you're saying. I never really thought about it, but now that you mention it, it all makes sense. Are those, like, the official rules about the different kinds of attractiveness, or…?"

"Nah, I just made it up," he said smugly. "When it comes to women, I'm kind of a connoisseur."

"Is that so?" she teased, snuggling up to him.

"Oh yeah. Ever since I was just a hatchling skittering around on all fours, there's been nothing I appreciated more than the shape of the face and body of the female of the pony species." Every time he placed that odd emphasis on the word "of", he smacked his thigh to further punctuate it. "So I'm a bit of a self-taught expert in all the different kinds, all the ways they can be appreciated. It's kind of like spending a lifetime as a wine expert"—he leaned back and stared into space, suddenly gloomy—"who goes entirely by smell because he's never actually been allowed to taste any of the wine."

She tilted her head in confusion.

"But with you, it's like I'm finally getting a taste," he finished, abruptly coming forward to nuzzle her face.

"And how is it?" Scootaloo said softly.

"I could get seriously drunk off of you, baby," he whispered.

She laughed. "Oh, Spike, you're so full of crap," she said sweetly. "Gosh, I sure enjoy being with you for our little scheme. In fact, I've been thinking… I might not try to date in high school at all. I'll probably wait for college. And even then, probably not the first year of college…"

"Why?" he inquired, sincerely interested.

"Isn't it obvious?" she said. "After the time you and I have had together, any other guy I could date would just be a step down, at least until we hit another age group."

"I see," Spike said thoughtfully. "Well… what if you don't have to date anypony else?"

"What?" she demanded.

"I've had a lot of fun with you," he said, gently running a claw up her neck. "So why does this have to just be a sneaky thing to get to Sweetie Belle? What if this was just what you and I do from now on?"

Flabbergasted, she pulled away from him. "Are you asking me to make this relationship real?"

"Well…"

"No!" she exclaimed, extricating herself from their embrace and standing up. "No, no, no! Absolutely not! This is, and always will be, a fake relationship! We have a goal here, man! And the goal is you with Sweetie Belle. Eyes on the prize, okay?" She glared sternly, though still wide-eyed with shock.

He hung his head in shame.

"If I've done anything tempting, I sure didn't mean to," she went on, flustered.

"Okay," he said quietly. "I'm sorry."

Charmed, she smiled and gently touched his cheek. "Hey, it's okay, Spike. You'll always be my friend. We're friends… practicing for real relationships."

"Yeah," he mumbled. "Practicing."

She scoffed. "You and me dating for real. Please, get crazy thoughts like that out of your head and let's make out already."

"Oh," he said in surprise. "You still…?"

"Well, yeah, it is what I'm supposed to get out of this whole thing. Just… you're never gonna ask me something like that again, right? You are going to go after Sweetie Belle when it's time?"

He was silent for an uncomfortably long time before saying, "Yeah, absolutely."

"Okay," Scootaloo said agreeably. "Let's go then."

In seconds, they were engaged in a wild, tongue-tangling kiss, and he was running his claws all over her body. When they went to her chest, she smacked the back of his hand. "Hey!" she scolded playfully. "No second base, mister. That's your first and last warning."

"Right," he said in embarrassment, gently rubbing his stung hand. "Probably can't go past first base in a fake relationship, huh?"

"I would say no, you can't."

"All right." he said grudgingly. "…Is this a base?"

He ran a claw down her spine, and she shuddered.

"Oooh!" she squealed, her eyelids fluttering. "I'm gonna go with 'no', but only because I like you."

She pounced on him, knocking him flat on his back, and they continued kissing.

"Whatcha doing with my tail, there?" she muttered through the kiss.

"I like running my claws through it," he whispered back. "I like the feel of your hair."

"I got hair on my head too, you know," she teased.

"Oooh, you do indeed," he said, stroking her mane instead. With the kissing halted, she looked uncomfortable.

"Hey," Spike said gently. "I'm sorry… did I throw you off your game?"

"Kinda," she admitted, backing away so he could sit up. "I wasn't expecting you to… you know… actually want to date me…"

He nodded. "It was only a suggestion. I'm sorry."

"All right," she said, giving him a gentle kiss. "So… you think maybe we should go back to the Teen Zone?"

"Scoot, we just got here," he said in surprise. "This is our one chance to act like a real couple." He held one hoof between both of his claws. "I promised you this moment. Let's make the most of it."

She bit her lip, mentally grappling with the issue, before giving in. "If that's what you want," she sighed, hugging him tightly and resting her head on his shoulder. Where he couldn't see her face, she let her guilt take over her expression.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Endnotes

First update in a month. Again. Why is it always a month? I don't know what's wrong with me…

So, Apple Bloom's comedy act is mostly stolen, but I steal things affectionately. So, credit where credit is due to Mitch Hedberg, Steven Wright, Eddie Izzard, and Sarah Silverman for their material. But two of the bits—her intro and the one about not showering—those are bits from my stand-up routine which I wrote when I was in college. Never actually performed it. It had a few too many Charlie Sheen jokes, and then he got fired, so there went most of my act down the drain. Most of the rest was about marine biology, which was technically my major even though I flunked the introductory class that was the prerequisite for taking any actual biology, so I really didn't know enough about the subject to make it funny. The few remaining jokes… well, they suck, but I put 'em in anyway.

When I first came up with this chapter, it was substantially sexier. I scrapped those ideas almost immediately, long before I ever received backlash about the story's content. I knew right away that I had to keep the Crusaders relatively innocent. I'm gonna tell you what I planned anyway: later on, Apple Bloom would have been seen in the Teen Zone making out with some colt; when questioned afterward, she would have admitted to having no idea who the guy was. As for Scootaloo: her little emotional shift caused by Spike wanting to make the relationship real was originally caused by… oh God, I'm ashamed to even say it… basically, there would have been the very vague implication that he had gone to third base, right there onscreen, and she would have been appalled by the fact that she wasn't trying to stop him. I realized that getting Scootaloo to the next emotional stage of her story arc could easily be achieved without getting that gross about it. If I had to guess, I'd say the source of these ideas were the fact that when I was conceptualizing Part Three, it was shortly before I first got my job at the restaurant, and I was spending a lot of time in the teen section of my local library. Books for teenagers are filthy these days…