Romance and the Fate of Equestria

This was originally where I was going to put that Sex and the Fate of Equestria joke, but people ended up calling me out on it a lot earlier than I expected. That led me to censor this chapter in a few ways that, wouldn't you know it, definitely made it better. I couldn't alter the very fabric of the chapter's premise, of course, but vast improvements in tastefulness were certainly made. Of course, you can't tell because you don't know what the uncensored chapter would have looked like. You might think this one's too dirty anyway. Ah, well, regardless, of all the chapters where sex is the central theme, I think—I think—that this is the last one ever. I think. I don't know, I don't pay attention to these things. People tell me there's bad language or sexual content in my stories, and I go "Is there? Hmm. Yeah, I never noticed that, but I suppose so." I genuinely hadn't realized that later chapters were just as naughty as Chapter 117 until it was pointed out to me.

Chapter One Hundred and Thirty-Nine

"So… how do you want to play this?"

Spike and Scootaloo stood side by side, looking over the railing of an airship at the fluffy clouds below.

"Uh… I dunno," Scootaloo admitted. "I mean, if we do our whole coupley thing in an enclosed space with her, that's sure to make her snap, which is great, but I don't want her to snap yet. Not before I've collected on my part of the deal."

"No, no, we can't have that," Spike agreed. "And it's a small ship, there's not really any place for us to get any privacy."

"So… what if we just keep our distance from each other?" said Scootaloo. "At least while we're on the ship."

"Yeah, I think that would be for the best," said Spike, nodding. "But wait, what about everypony else? What if they ask us why we're not… you know?"

Scootaloo shrugged. "Well then, we'll say that we're being sensitive toward Sweetie Belle's feelings, that we don't wanna make her have to watch all that."

Spike gaped. "You are diabolical!"

"Aren't I, though?" she said smugly.

"That's so great! It's not even a lie, and if she hears it it'll piss her off so bad…"

"Yep, yep, yep," she chirped.

They crossed the ship's deck together, passing beneath the massive balloon that held it aloft, and made their way belowdecks, being sure to enter the cabin from two different directions. There in the cabin was a lounge, where the rest of the party was gathered.

At the center of the lounge was a little fountain, and most of the floor was carpeted in dark red and gold. Cushy chairs and sofas were scattered about in an artfully haphazard manner, as were a few coffee tables.

Twilight had fallen asleep on a couch while reading the papers Cadance had given her; she had been reading them throughout the previous night. Her head was resting on the open pages. Spike affectionately stroked her mane before sitting down next to her.

Scootaloo sat on an oversized armchair with the other two Crusaders. Apple Bloom noted her pointed effort not to look at Spike and raised an eyebrow at her. Sweetie Belle made an effort to catch Spike's eye, but he too was avoiding looking in their direction.

Against the arm of another couch, Rainbow snuggled up close to Derpy. "I love Derpy so much," she said sweetly.

There were no eye rolls, no irritation, just a few sympathetic winces. Rainbow looked almost disappointed, but shrugged it off. "Hey Scootaloo, come here a minute."

"Uh, okay." Scootaloo flew over and sat down on Rainbow's other side.

"So… how ya doin'?" Rainbow said brightly.

"I'm good," Scooaloo said with a shrug. "Hi Derpy."

"Hi, Scootaloo," Derpy cooed, snuggling Rainbow tighter. Warily, Scootaloo smiled back. "Rainbow talks about you a lot. I never knew you two were so close."

"Yeah, uh, same here," Scootaloo said.

Derpy giggled. "Well, we never were so close before. We only wished we were."

"That's right," said Rainbow. "So, Scoot, I wanted to talk to you about somethin'."

"Okay," Scootaloo said nervously.

"I've been thinking lately about what I told you a while back," said Rainbow. "When I told you about how the pony you had your first kiss with doesn't matter? I've been looking back on my life, because… just because, and I want to make sure you knew what I actually meant."

"All right."

"I don't want you to take that to mean that you can go around kissing whoever you like. When you do kiss somepony, it should be because they're very important to you. I only meant that if they turn out not to be the one, then it's… not the end of the world. But you absolutely gotta save the kissing for the ponies that really, really matter. You follow me?" She inadvertently shot a glance at Spike, which didn't escape Scootaloo's notice.

"Uh, yeah, I follow you," said Scootaloo. She grinned. "Thanks for looking out for me, Rainbow Dash. Just one question: why do you keep saying 'kissing'? I know what you mean…"

"Uh, nope," Rainbow said evasively. "Nope. I said kissing and I meant kissing."

"Come on, Rainbow," she jeered. "I'm not a kid anymore."

"Eh, yeah y'are. I stand by the word 'kissing'."

"But it's not what you meant."

"No. No it's not."

"Ha!" Scootaloo said triumphantly.

"Yeah, yeah…" Rainbow grumbled. She stared at Scootaloo interestedly, and continued to do so until the filly recoiled uncomfortably.

"What's the matter?" Scootaloo said with unease.

"Here's what bugs me…" Rainbow muttered absently, having trouble finding the words. "The first time I…"

"Had sex?" Scootaloo supplied pointedly.

"Gah!" Rainbow shuddered in revulsion. "Yeah, that. I was your age. Your age. And I look at you, and how young you look, and I think, 'wow, that's actually kinda gross'."

"Come on," she protested. "I don't look that young, do I?"

"Trust me, you do," Rainbow said gently. "I didn't think I looked all that young back then, but I've got pictures." She shook her head in disbelief. "It's not fun to think about."

She released Derpy and hugged Scootaloo tightly. "I don't want you to end up all messed up inside like me!" After a moment's pause, she grinned and said, "I want you to end up awesome like me."

"Oh, there you are!" Scootaloo said in relief. "I was worried for a second. You didn't seem like yourself."

Rainbow backed away from her and looked deeply into her eyes. "Kid, I'm more myself right now than I've ever been in my life," she said solemnly. "In fact, hey—Sweetie, AB, come here. Big teachable moment from your sweet old Auntie Rainbow Dash."

Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom obligingly hopped off their chair and approached. "Our who now?" Apple Bloom said blankly as they jumped onto the couch alongside Scootaloo.

"Me," Rainbow stated. "'Cause I'm way over the hill, as we all know. Check this out: you see Fluttershy over there?"

Fluttershy, reading a magazine while sprawled across Big Mac's lap, looked up in surprise at the mention of her name.

"Twenty-seven years old the first time she slept with a guy," Rainbow observed. "Same age as she is right now. Only pony she's ever been with in her whole life is that guy right there. Beautiful, don't you think? That's a goal to shoot for: twenty-seven, and one. Good stats."

"Stats?" Apple Bloom inquired.

"Age, and number of partners. I always thought of that as a game to play with my friends when I was younger. Still did until just the other day, really."

"Oh," Scootaloo said. "What are your stats?"

Rainbow shut her eyes. "I'm not proud of this, but… thirteen and eleven. Some might say I'm having more fun than Fluttershy, but once the fun's over…" She held her head tightly between her hooves. "It's just a mess. It must be so much easier for her to sleep at night."

Fluttershy pouted.

"Thirteen and eleven—which number is which?" said Apple Bloom.

"Oh," Rainbow said in surprise. "I was thirteen years old when I… lost it… and I've been with eleven ponies. I'm glad you asked, 'cause I guess that's better than the other way around… you know, a tiny bit…" She drifted off and slumped.

"But like you said, none of them matter anymore, right?" Scootaloo said encouragingly. "Except the one you're with?"

Rainbow sighed. "I dunno. I guess not. But they exist, don't they? They still exist. Like little weights around my ankles, every one of 'em, makin' it hard to fly up to that nifty little cloud they call"—she raised a hoof up high as if plucking a star from the sky and clicked her tongue—"mental health. So don't… I mean, everypony makes a mistake or two, there's nothing wrong with that, that's what I was sayin' before, just… be careful. With your bodies and stuff. Okay? Try to minimize those mistakes. That's what I'm sayin' now. Sex is a confusing, emotional thing that… sticks with you forever. Especially if you're not careful."

Exhausted, she leaned on Derpy for support. Derpy patted her on the head and turned one eye toward the fillies. "Of course," she said, "sex is also a whole lot of fun and a great way to get to know somepony."

Rainbow lifted her head and glared.

"What?" Derpy said defensively. "You were being really preachy." She cupped Rainbow's face in her hooves. "You don't want that gloomy and pouty old perspective to be the only one they learn, do you?"

Rainbow's expression didn't soften. "Like you got no regrets?"

"I'm sorry," Derpy said sincerely, "I really don't."

"And it's not like purity and virginity is the secret to mental health, Rainbow Dash," Fluttershy chimed in. "Have you forgotten that I was a nervous wreck for most of my life?"

Rainbow looked at her surprise. "Huh. Maybe I did. …You're not one anymore."

"Not often," Fluttershy agreed. "Lately, I've been looking at everything I have, and everything I am, and it makes me really happy to know I'm that blessed."

"…Mmmm," Rainbow said in a pained voice.

"Please don't hate what you used to be, Rainbow," Fluttershy said tenderly. "Just look at what you are right now. Or, just look behind you."

Rainbow turned her head, finding herself looking straight into the face of Derpy, who gave her a quick, chaste kiss on the lips.

Rainbow sighed raggedly. "I'm sorry. I don't know what to believe anymore."

"Aw, that's okay, Rainbow," said Apple Bloom. "You know, that was kinda interesting, the game you talked about. How old you were, how many ponies you've been with. It's like… everypony's gotta have a different answer, right? That'd be cool to find out."

"Hey hey hey hey," Rainbow exclaimed. "It's not some kind of game, even though I said it was a game. I was just trying to make a point. I'm saying wait 'til you're the right age and you have the right partner, that was the point, not digging into everypony's 'stats'! Were you not listening to my whole thesis?"

Twilight blearily lifted her head. "Did somepony say thesis?"

"Me, I did, sorry, go back to sleep," Rainbow said hastily. "But Fluttershy, you agree with me, right? That what you did is the way to go?"

Fluttershy shrugged. "It worked for me. I don't have the authority to say anything more than that."

"Rrrggh!" Rainbow snarled. "TWILIGHT!"

She jerked, completely awake now. "Gah! What?"

Rainbow looked at the Crusaders and gestured to Twilight. "Lost it at twenty-five. Two guys. Happy and healthy, and I bet she'd be even more so if it was just one guy. Don'tcha think, Twi?"

Twilight blinked, staring at Rainbow blankly. "…What?"

"If you could do it all over again," Rainbow pressed. "Losing your virginity, I mean. You'd want your first to also be your last, right?"

Twilight just kept staring, befuddled.

"I think she's trying to teach the Crusaders about abstinence," Fluttershy said in a stage whisper. "I can't imagine why, though."

Twilight's expression didn't change as she uncertainly started speaking. "Well… um… the answer, Rainbow, is that… while, yes, I regret some things… if I could do it all over again, I would make the same mistakes as I did the first time, because mistakes teach. I wouldn't want to cut those lessons out of my life."

"But I think, girls," Fluttershy said hastily, as Rainbow Dash looked on the verge of burning up, "what Rainbow's trying to say is that you shouldn't go out looking for mistakes."

Rainbow slapped her own thighs. "That's it."

Rarity entered the cabin then, wearing a sun hat and shades, with a dab of sunscreen on her nose.

"Rarity!" Rainbow said in delight. "I bet Rarity knows what I'm talking about."

"I might," Rarity said, setting the hat and shades aside. "What are we talking about?"

"First, give us your stats," Rainbow ordered.

"Eww, I don't need to know my sister's stats," Sweetie Belle objected, wincing.

"What 'stats' are these, darling?"

"Age when you lost your virginity, and how many ponies you've slept with," Rainbow said exhaustedly.

"Ooh, is that going around?" Rarity said with interest. "I always liked that game."

"It's not a game!" Rainbow said in aggravation.

"And we're sharing these details with the girls, are we?" Rarity said, looking over the three of them. "I can't speak for Apple Bloom or Scootaloo, but don't you think you should have checked in with one of the adults in Sweetie Belle's life before going into such things with her?"

"I'm just trying to teach them a valuable life lesson, all right? So they can avoid our mistakes? I know you've made mistakes."

Rarity met Rainbow Dash's manic gaze, then turned her eyes toward Sweetie Belle. "Yes, I suppose I have at that," she said softly. "This is going to prove a point of some sort, then?"

"I think so," Rainbow replied in equally soft tones.

"Very well. I was sixt—no, fifteen, yes, now I remember. And I've had six partners."

"Whoa," Sweetie Belle breathed, her eyes wide.

"Well, that sounds… normal?" Scootaloo guessed.

"There's no 'normal' way to have a sex life, Scootaloo," Rarity said primly. "And there's been too much variation in mine to even know what's normal for me. Some were emotionally satisfying, others not. Some were long-term, some were short-term, some were meant to be one but ended up being the other, and yes, that's gone both ways. I've had some dangerously kinky experiences, a few maddeningly chaste relationships… why, once I even slept with Big Macintosh."

Apple Bloom did a double-take so wild she nearly fell off the couch. "You did WHAT?"

"What I didn't have," Rarity chuckled, "was somepony to explain the way it all works. I think there's some wisdom in what Rainbow Dash is trying to do for you."

Rainbow stared at Rarity, blinking slowly. "Wow. That was fascinating. That's a lot of variety—all that and only six stallions?"

"Something like that, yes," Rarity said with a smirk.

"I don't get it," Sweetie Belle muttered, tilting her head at Rarity. "I've known you my whole life, and you always seem to be doing… something besides that. How did you manage to fit all that… stuff… into your life?"

Rarity sidled up to their couch and wrapped an arm around Sweetie. "When you're a filly looking the way you and I do, it's not difficult."

"Me?" she said in surprise.

"Of course. You look like me, don't you?"

Still looking contemplative, Rainbow remarked, "Maybe that's my problem. 'Cause before Derpy, I've got ten stories that all go the exact same way."

"Ohhh," Fluttershy said in a whisper. "I thought maybe that's what this was about."

"My whole life, Shy," Rainbow said grimly. "It's about my whole… freaking… life."

Sweetie was still eyeing Rarity suspiciously. "So, when you were fifteen?"

"Ah, yes."

"Was it one of the nights you were babysitting me?"

"No, no, of course not."

"'Cause I do remember you had colts over when you were babysitting me," she accused, narrowing her eyes.

"Mea culpa, but I actually never slept with any of them," Rarity said with a tight grin. "Standards, you know…"

All this time, Big Macintosh was shrinking under the lopsided glare of Apple Bloom. "When did you sleep with Rarity?"

"Uh…" he mumbled.

"At the annual hoedown, five years ago," Rarity offered.

"Five…" Apple Bloom calculated in her head, then glared at Big Mac, her furrowed brow emphasized by her makeup. "You told me you were out all night catchin' frogs."

Applejack laughed, speaking up for the first time from a couch she had all to herself. "That's what I said when I grilled him about it. Shoulda known he was full of beans; if he'd been at it all night, he'd've brought home way more frogs than he did."

"You actually brought frogs home?" Rarity said in amusement.

He grinned sheepishly and shrugged.

"Are you okay, Rainbow Dash?" Derpy said, pouting.

"Confused," said Rainbow. "First I was regretting that I ever had a sex life. Now I'm regretting that it was boring."

"Do you regret that I had a sex life?" she challenged.

"N-no…" Rainbow said hesitantly.

"Come on," said Derpy. "If you're ashamed of yourself, then you must be ashamed of me too, right?"

"Of course not…"

"You know my stats. They're a whole lot worse than yours."

"Really?" Scootaloo said brightly. She bounced on the couch. "Let's hear them."

"Well, I was sixteen, and…" She scanned the faces of the three fillies and winced. "It's a really big number, I don't wanna freak you out."

Rainbow winced.

"Rainbow, I don't understand where this is coming from," said Twilight. "You used to love telling stories about your erotic past, and hearing stories about everypony else's. What happened?"

"Well, now I finally understand why I did it, and it's… pathetic," Rainbow said in disgust. "I killed off my childhood 'looking for mistakes'. My whole youth was an attempt to get my dad's attention; it just went over his head, and I never figured out… how to do life any other way."

"You always said that stuff's in the past and you shouldn't let it scar you," said Twilight.

"Ooh, you should have opened this whole conversation with that," Derpy said wisely.

Rainbow Dash looked around, glaring at all the others. "You guys know what's going on here. I saw how none of you were annoyed at my 'I love Derpy so much' line. You're walking on eggshells around me because of the big gaping wound in my chest. Well, that's what this is all about! I let one scar show, and they all came back." She sighed and looked away, staring determinedly at the arm of the couch. "I could have been… what could I have been if I'd had real, ordinary parents?"

"You wouldn't be tough," said Derpy. "You wouldn't be awesome. You wouldn't be… you just wouldn't be Rainbow Dash."

"And I like Rainbow Dash!" Scootaloo chirped. She hugged Rainbow tightly around the neck, making her gasp and choke.

When the choking hold was over, Scootaloo gently turned Rainbow Dash's head so they were looking each other in the eye. "The past doesn't matter, but it can hurt, so be careful," Scootaloo said simply. "Is that what you were trying to tell me?"

Rainbow sighed and looked away. "Yeah, sure. Whatever. I don't even know what I meant anymore."

"Well…" Scootaloo said slyly, "I think in the future you're going to regret that you spent time doing nothing but mope about the past."

Rainbow's head lifted, and she stared off into space blankly. "…Huh," she remarked.

Spike smirked at Scootaloo, mouthing the word "Diabolical." She winked at him.

"So… got any stories?" Scootaloo asked, poking Rainbow in the back repeatedly with her hoof.

"…Sex stories?"

"Yeah. Come on, let it all out."

Sweetie Belle bit her lip. "I… I don't think I wanna hear stories. I'd be interested in knowing everypony else's stats, though."

"Ugh, enough already with the stats," Rainbow snapped.

"It would seem apt to finish that train of thought, show them just how many variants there are," Rarity said thoughtfully. "And it would certainly be easier on us than telling our little sisters stories about the experiences."

"I wouldn't know, I don't have any stories," Applejack said with a shrug.

"Aw, poor AJ," Apple Bloom pouted.

"Yeah, yeah, everypony's stats, that's great—I wanna go back to Derpy and her 'really big number'," Scootaloo said in one breath.

"Meh, I dunno," said Derpy. "Should I?"

"Please?" Scootaloo squeaked, trying to make her eyes big and dewy. "It's just gonna knock around in my head for days if you don't tell me."

"I mean, it's a scary big number," Derpy warned.

"Rainbow had eleven," said Sweetie Belle. "How much scarier than that can it get?"

Derpy turned to Rainbow, who nodded.

"Okay," Derpy whispered. "Like I said, I was sixteen when I started, and Rainbow was my… thirty-fourth."

Sweetie Belle's jaw dropped. "Thirty-four?"

"Mm-hmm."

Scootaloo's eye twitched. "Aren't you twenty-two?"

"Mm-hmm," Derpy said again.

"Wow," Fluttershy commented. "I don't think I've even spoken to thirty-four ponies in the past six years… but that's just me."

"Where… where do you…" Apple Bloom stammered. "Where do you find the spare time?"

"See, I knew I'd scare them…" Derpy whined.

"You can come sit by me, girls," Applejack said jovially. "I ain't ever had the spare time to do it with anypony."

Relieved, the Crusaders crossed the room and sat on Applejack's couch. "No stories, no spare time?" Sweetie Belle inquired. "Are you saying you're a… a virgin?"

"Eeyup," said Applejack. "It… well, it sucks."

"AJ," Twilight scolded.

"Looks good on you three, though!" Applejack amended brightly. "You're gettin' a lotta different perspectives thrown at ya right now, but I think we can all agree we want y'all to stay our sweet little Cutie Mark Crusaders for a good while longer." She ruffled their manes. "My two cents? Don't wait 'til you're my age. Wish I'd taken the shot in high school. I was hot stuff in high school. You have no idea. But I was married to the farm, that's what I always said. Now… I just don't know how I'm gonna fit it into my schedule, if I ever do."

"Mm," said Apple Bloom, nodding her head with interest. "Hey Big Mac, did you—?"

"I don't wanna talk about it," he said immediately.

"You don't?" said Apple Bloom in surprise. "I mean, there must be other ponies besides Fluttershy and Rarity, right?"

"Don't. Want. To talk about it."

"Come on…"

"He doesn't have to tell you anything if he doesn't want to, Apple Bloom," Fluttershy said sternly, resting her head on Big Mac's chest. "Everypony here has been pretty open about their pasts, but it's actually a very private and personal thing."

"Do you know about his past?" Apple Bloom challenged.

"I do. And it's our secret."

"Really? Nopony else knows his stats?"

"Nope," Fluttershy said proudly. "That's just between the two of us."

"Awwwww!" the Crusaders chorused.

Derpy leaned on Rainbow and stroked the side of her face. "You know, just for the record, I don't ever want there to be a thirty-fifth," she said. "You're the one."

Rainbow Dash put her hoof in her mouth to suppress a sob. "Derpy, that's…"

"Awwwww!" the Crusaders shrieked again.

"Yeah, that," said Rainbow. Slowly, her body started to relax, and she grinned deviously. "So… Big Mac's stats are a secret?"

"Yes," Fluttershy said simply.

"I bet we could figure it out," Rainbow chuckled. "Rarity, you think so?"

"I imagine it wouldn't be that hard," Rarity agreed. "He has a reputation."

Fluttershy grimaced. "Could you not? Please?" She sighed. "I suppose if you've got that kind of research time on your hooves, fine, but he's not going to be any help and neither am I."

"Is it a big number?" Rainbow said eagerly. "More or less than Derpy's? I bet it's real close."

"We're not telling," Fluttershy said sternly.

"How old was he?"

"Not telling, Rainbow."

Rainbow huffed and glared at Fluttershy while trying to figure out what to say next. Eventually, she settled on, "You're hot."

"Thank you, Rainbow."

Rainbow sighed and leaned back, grinning contentedly. "You guys are right. I needed to loosen up."

"You don't sound convinced," Fluttershy said in concern.

"Well… I'm loosened up enough to know that I really do want to hear a few sex stories."

"Well, you're not getting any from me."

"Come on!" Rainbow whined. "You're free and loose with your stats, why can't we hear any stories?"

"My 'stats' are Big Macintosh," Fluttershy said flatly. "Everypony knows that. Stories, however, are things of a more personal nature."

"That's a shame, darling," said Rarity. "I'm sure you could spin more romantic yarns than any of us could even imagine."

"Maybe," Fluttershy admitted. "But anything we've shared as lovers is strictly between us." She caressed his face. "I would be glad to hear a story from any one of you, though."

"No, come on, tell us about your first time," Rainbow urged.

"No."

"How about the day you got back together? I bet that was a great night."

"No. I mean, yes, it was, but no stories."

Rainbow groaned. "You're killing me. Your stories must be amazing."

"They are," Fluttershy agreed. "But they're to remain safely within the bedroom."

"That's ridiculous," Rainbow scoffed. "Derpy, have you ever had a sexual experience you didn't want to tell all your friends about?"

"No."

"Derpy gets it."

"And that's fine for Derpy," Fluttershy laughed. "But for myself, I appreciate how open you all are, but in my life some things need to remain secret."

"You guys suck," said Rainbow, sticking her tongue out at them.

Fluttershy scanned the room, shrinking into herself a bit when she saw all eyes on her. "Please," she said, "don't take me for some kind of prude who doesn't like sex. I like it very much, I try to fit it into my schedule at least once per day, I just don't want to talk about it."

"At least once per day," Rainbow commented.

"Yes."

"Dude," said Rainbow, leaning forward and raising a hoof toward Big Mac.

"Eeyup," he said smugly, high-hoofing her.

Fluttershy giggled. "Well, why shouldn't it be that way? I think we both deserve it."

"Preach it, sister," Rainbow said enthusiastically.

"Aw, you look happy," said Fluttershy. "Was that a juicy enough detail for you?"

"It is, I'm satisfied."

"Hell, I coulda told you that," said Applejack.

"Yeah, me too," Apple Bloom said grimly.

Fluttershy's face went so red that it could almost be seen steaming.

"All right, we've gotten all we're gonna get outta Fluttershy," Rainbow said, businesslike. "Twilight! Twilight, tell us a Joe story."

"What, in front of the girls?" said Twilight, raising an eyebrow.

"For educational purposes," Rainbow said condescendingly.

Twilight rolled her eyes, but obliged. "Joe… learned as he went. Which isn't to say that he needed to learn something and I didn't; I learned too. A first time isn't as easy as you might have been led to believe, and I don't just mean your 'first time' first time, I also mean the first time with a new partner. Everypony has a different rhythm, and syncing up is hard work."

"So, the first time isn't that great?" Scootaloo said, disappointed.

"No, it is, it is," Twilight said hastily. "It's a magical thing. But not for the physical pleasure of it; that comes later. It's about being very close to somepony you completely trust. That's what's great about a first time. That being said, I don't need to tell you that the pony I had my first time with is currently gallivanting around somewhere in the world as a cyborg supervillain with an evil leg, so I hope I can serve as a cautionary tale for you about giving away that trust too soon. That being said…"

"Counterpointing your own counterpoint, nice," Rainbow said approvingly.

"Um, yes," said Twilight, shooting Rainbow a dirty look. "What I hope you can take away from each and every one of us is that sex… is an amazing and beautiful thing and we all hope that in the future—several years into the future, if you could possibly restrain yourselves for that long—you're able to enjoy it to the fullest, to have your own unique experiences that are all yours."

"Pinkie Pie, you've been quiet," Rainbow noted. "Whoa, that felt weird to say…"

"Meh, you know," Pinkie said with a shrug. "Whenever you guys start talking about"—she struggled to say the word "sex"—"I don't really know what to say. I listen, though. Listen and learn. Like them." She pointed at the Crusaders.

"Is that so?" said Rainbow, intrigued. "Sounds like you just settled a long-standing mystery. Let's check: are you a virgin?"

"Could be," said Pinkie. "I don't know what the word means."

"Well, that could be another conversation in itself," Rarity laughed. "But without getting too technical, let's just say it means you've never had any sexual contact of any kind."

"Mm, okay, yeah," Pinkie said, nodding. "In that case, put me down as an extra-virgin."

"Oh? And why's that?" said Rarity, tilting her head.

"I've never even thought about it," Pinkie admitted. "Me having… sex."

"Truly?" Rarity said in surprise. "You haven't felt anything for Fancypants at all?"

"Sure, I have feelings for him," Pinkie insisted. "I mean, he is my boyfriend. Somepony to have dinner with, but like a quiet dinner, where we talk about big important feelings. It's different from having a friend. But it's not sexual, at least I don't think it is. We are gonna try some more kissing next weekend. We were gonna do it this week, but I had to do this Manehattan thing with you guys, y'know… so, next week."

"How does that make you feel?" Rarity said, leaning forward.

Pinkie shrugged. "I think it's fun. It's fun trying new things."

"Kissing is a 'fun new thing'?" said Rarity. She smirked. "Oh, Twilight, I'm so sorry, I'm going to have to ask you to pay up."

"What?" Twilight exclaimed. "No!"

"What's goin' on?" Pinkie said in alarm, looking back and forth between the two of them.

Twilight sighed, chuckling exhaustedly. "Rarity bet me fifty bits that you're asexual, but I'm not paying yet. I'm not convinced."

"You heard her," Rarity objected. "She's never thought about that sort of thing in her life."

"Neither had I, before my brother got married. It doesn't make her asexual."

"Did you hear the way she described her relationship? Sounds pretty asexual to me."

"All that proves is that it's a completely new experience for her," Twilight countered. "Look, I'm not trying to back out of the bet, I'm only saying that I'll pay you when Pinkie herself says outright that she's asexual. Okay? That's the only way to know these things for sure."

"Very well," Rarity said amiably. "Pinkie?"

"Hmm," said Pinkie, sinking back into her chair to consider it. "Asexual? Like, no sexuality? I really never thought about that before. I would say… that it's too early to say."

"All right, fair enough," Rarity said smoothly. "Take your time, just be sure to let us know as soon as you've discovered the answer."

"I will," said Pinkie, nodding. "So… what is kissing like, you guys?"

"I thought you said you kissed him already," said Twilight, surprised.

"Pinkie, you've kissed me," said Fluttershy.

"Sure, on the lips," said Pinkie, nodding to both of them. "But I've seen the way you guys kiss, with the open mouth and the teeth and the tongues, I've never tried that. That's gotta be something completely different, right?"

"Well… you're right," Twilight admitted. "That is very different. It's… amazing, truly. Time seems to freeze, and yet… fly by. It's something so intimate… it's the sharing of everything with another pony: feelings, desires, your very breath. In a lot of ways, it's as intimate as sex. More, even." After marveling at the thought for a few seconds, she leaned back. "Ah, but sex…" she said in anguish.

A silence hung over them for a long moment.

"You miss him, don't you?" Applejack said quietly.

"Every minute of every day," Twilight said in a tiny voice. "I get a big project like this"—she tapped the portfolio—"and it keeps my mind off him for maybe half an hour, but…" She breathed in deeply, and let it out. "Once it's over… all I can think about is replaying the memories in my head, over and over, trying not to let them lose their clarity. But, no, it was the kissing that was the best part. No… no, it was the sex. But the kissing…" She giggled wildly. "Ah, screw it, I can't pick, I need both! Give me both at the same time!"

"From two different guys, right?" Rainbow said eagerly.

"Just one guy!" Twilight snapped, glaring at her. "You know, Rainbow, I think you're the only one who thinks you're funny. …But I'm glad to see you think you're funny again."

"Ah, you know me, Twilight," Rainbow said smugly. "You can't keep me down for very long." She wrapped an arm around Derpy and pulled her into a kiss. Twilight flinched at first, but couldn't look away.

"Gosh, I miss when I tongued Joe like that," she said softly. "I love tonguing. Probably too much." She blushed. "That interplay, it's just so… feral! So much more effortless than going all the way."

There was a loud scrape, and the entire ship shifted, causing them all to jump in surprise and look around wildly.

"Oh…" Twilight said, glancing out a porthole. "We've docked at our hotel." She blushed deeper and inhaled in preparation. "I guess this whole conversation is, mercifully, over. Welcome to Manehattan, everypony."

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Endnotes

Yeesh, how do these conversations end up running so long? I have a problem…

Anyway, let's see if a Manehattan-based story arc conceived before Manehattan ever became a genuine setpiece in the show stands the test of time, yeah? Woo-hoo.