Romance and the Fate of Equestria

Chapter One Hundred and Twenty

Cocoon stood at the foot of the changeling hive, watching its reconstruction. Hundreds of female changelings were hovering around its edges, tending to the highest point of what was left of the structure's base, reconstructing it with rough paper crafted from tree bark and their own secretions: gray silk and frothy saliva.

"Ah, Cocoon, my dangerous colleague!"

Cocoon turned his head to see Discord strolling toward him from behind, mismatched hands clasped behind his back.

"Have I ever mentioned how much I admire the way you can hold your own in a battle?" Discord said casually. "It's not every warrior who can stand up to all six of my old friends at once."

Cocoon only stared, wary and defensive, as Discord stood beside him and also watched the progress of the hive's repairs.

"Although, by the Old Gods, you are impossible to take seriously," Discord laughed, leaning on Cocoon and running a talon along his snout. "You just look so stupid. The mouth-breathing, and the vacant stare, and that gods-awful nineties hairdo. Of course, if the mouth-breathing is by some sort of medical necessity, then I… well, I don't withdraw that comment, because you still look stupid.

"Oh, don't get me wrong, I do see the value in being smarter than you look. I've used that tactic a few times. But I think the fact that your best weapon is sprayed out of your nostrils is sufficient. I think you should really try to look as dangerous as you possibly can just to make up for the inherent silliness of that. Have some dignity, maaaaaaan." He ruffled Cocoon's hair, and the changeling hissed angrily in response.

"And you know what else I think?" Discord continued, undeterred. "The whole talking-backwards thing? I don't think it's really a mental disorder that causes that, I think you just do it for attention, another attempt to be quirky and unique, to stand out above your fellow males. It's really pathetic."

To a passing changeling, Discord called out, "Hey, you there! How's it feel to be just one changeling in the midst of an army of changelings that look exactly like you? You might as well be wearing red Starfleet uniforms, all of you! Boy, I could go for some chili cheese fries right about now…"

"Discord."

He turned around innocently. Chrysalis stood in the forest, the shadows lengthening around her as the trees leaned ominously toward Discord.

"Ah, my queen!" he said delightedly. "You know, you're about as attractive as a stool sample covered in snot."

"What… are… you doing?" she demanded nastily.

"You refer to my refreshing frankness," he said, inclining his head smugly. "I was hoping you'd ask! It's called radical honesty. It's part mental discipline, part social experiment. The way I see it, if I'm forced to always be honest, well, I don't like doing things halfway, so I might as well go all the way with it! The idea is that when anything pops into my head, I say it immediately. No filter. Isn't it wonderful? I'm really enjoying it."

"Well, stop it," Chrysalis commanded.

Discord's body became stiff as a board, and he vibrated violently. "I am a law-abiding citizen," he said mechanically. He dropped to one knee in exhaustion, but almost immediately raised his head with a manic grin. "Ooooh, that's interesting! You can't stop me from practicing radical honesty!"

"Can't I, though?" Chrysalis said darkly.

"The Elements don't seem to approve."

"See if they approve of this: shake and bake!"

Discord's eyes widened, and he instantly took his claws to his own chest, ripping open his chest and stomach, screaming all the while, then reached into the cavity and pulled out a bundle of organs, spilling them all over the forest floor. Still flinching with pain, he glared furiously at Chrysalis. "Message received," he rasped. "I'll be quiet."

He levitated his organs into the air and began reconstructing them inside his body. Cocoon raised an eyebrow at Chrysalis. "Chrysalis Queen?" he said with an amused chuckle. "Ask, dare I do?"

"Discord is a crafty one, my brother," Chrysalis said with a smirk, shooting a single disinterested glance at the hive before turning her gaze to the forest. "Unpredictable. Any grip I have over his actions lasts only as long as it takes him to think up a way out. And he's always on the lookout for ways to undermine me, he promised as much. He may have to follow my orders, but any order I give him would invariably contain some wriggle room, be open to interpretation… I can't keep him under control through authority alone. I had to find a new way to keep him under my hooves, so I devised a system of rewards and punishments." She paused, then chuckled. "Well, a system of punishments, at any rate. Forcing him to repeatedly gut himself seemed like a good start, so I gave him an order that he must do so again every time I say the words 'shake and bake'."

Discord was nearly finished healing the great gash in his torso when she said the phrase again, and he promptly set to work gutting himself again, howling in agony. "Oh come on!" he protested angrily as he once again set to work healing himself.

"I'll not order you to stop over-sharing," Chrysalis taunted. "I'll leave you to your own judgment as to how much speaking your mind is just the right amount. Should you ever share too much or too little…" She leaned forward, menacing him with her glowing horn, then cheerfully pranced away. The trees righted themselves, and the forest was suddenly bright and sunny once again.

Discord looked around in alarm at the change of atmosphere, then raised his hands and resumed replacing his organs and healing himself. "You're very good at what you do, I hope you realize," he said calmly. "You've raised cruelty to an art form, and you have fun doing it. I'll say it again, you and I could have been very good friends. But I won't shed any tears for the ruined potential of our relationship. It's you who's losing on this deal. And one day, Chryssie, you are going to regret missing that boat."

Chrysalis had begun studiously ignoring him long before he had finished his pronouncement, and so a heavy silence hung in the air.

"Missing that boat," said Cocoon, in an exact imitation of Discord's voice.

Discord raised an eyebrow at him as he finished sealing the wound on his chest. "You're mimicking me now?"

"No, no, ohhhh," Cocoon said hastily. "All at not, no. Mimicking not was that. Mimicking is this." He transformed into a replica of Discord. "Hidey-ho, Discord am I," he drawled, then broke out in goofy laughter.

Discord applauded. "Oh, that's very good." He laughed at the sight of his own face. "Ah, that brings back memories. I had a girlfriend who used to do that. She'd transform into me. Usually during our most intimate of moments." He giggled and snorted. "I may be a narcissist, but let's face it, no one's that much of a narcissist. It was always a shock and a mood-killer… but we had a good laugh about it afterwards."

"Girlfriend?" Cocoon inquired in Discord's voice. He transformed back into himself. "Be might girlfriend this… who, ask I may?"

"Oh, well, as a matter of fact, I used to date Shifter," Discord said proudly.

"Shifter?" Cocoon gasped. "God Old one, Shifter?"

Discord nodded. "We were an on-and-off thing. We'd spend a day together every couple thousand years. Most important relationship I had for a decent chunk of my life. Neither of us were exclusive with each other, of course, but when we were together… ah, I tell you, Cocoon, when I was with Shifter, it felt like… like injuries I didn't know I had were suddenly being soothed." He sighed wistfully and stared up at the sky. "We had a really good thing, until… until the Old Gods started their retirement plan, creating new deities to replace them. And… well, I thought I was a shoo-in for the new pantheon, and that this would be the thing that got me my powers back, but… she chose a manic-depressive and hedonistic seapony princess instead of me. So I broke things off with her." He glared at the sky and crossed his arms. "I certainly never loved again… as if I would want to, as if I'd ever want to inflict such a plague upon myself again.

"I wonder sometimes where the Old Gods retired to. If they have any awareness of what's going on in this world. If Shifter knows how badly her plan backfired. I just hope she wishes she'd chosen me." He laughed. "In fact, I'm certain she does. What other choice is there?"

Chrysalis turned back to face him. "Shake and bake."

He rolled his eyes as he started slitting open his gut, holding back his screams as long as he could. He shrieked mightily as he yanked his organs out, then narrowed his eyes at Chrysalis. "Oh dear, did I overshare?"

"That was painfully annoying," she sneered. "I certainly hope I never again hear a story about your past."

"Oh?" Discord retorted, scooping up his entrails. "Is that an order?"

"A warning," Chrysalis growled.

Discord bared his teeth. "Oh, I see. Sometimes you don't want to give me orders, because punishing me is too much fun. A risky tactic. I think it'll benefit me."

"You're not as smart as you think you are," said Chrysalis. "After all, you've been defeated when at your full power twice. You're supposed to be omnipotent, and if you were smart, you'd be good at it—impossible to defeat, by the very definition."

Discord healed himself up and leaned back with his hands behind his head. "Pushing my buttons isn't going to make me angry," he said coolly. "Just vengeful."

Chrysalis ignored him and walked up to Cocoon, smiling at the smaller changeling sweetly before smacking him hard on the back of his head. He stared at her, looking bewildered and wounded. "For listening to his insipid story," she said. When he still looked confused, she smiled. "Oh, poor brother."

She kissed him, and he relaxed and accepted it.

"Oooooh, domestic abuse," Discord said loudly out of the corner of his mouth.

"Discord!" Chrysalis said sharply.

"Ja?"

"I've been making plans," she said, leaning in as close to his face as she could. "I thought I should share them with you. I'm sure you're already aware of my plan to groom the eggs in the hive into unfeeling, unthinking, ruthless warriors."

"Indeed. Go on."

"I have—" Chrysalis began, then paused and glared at him. "Don't tell me to go on. I'll go on when I please."

"All right, all right," he said, holding up his hands in surrender. "Whenever you're ready. Or… or not. I just won't say anything, how's that?"

"Thank you," she said graciously. "I have plans for Celestia. Beyond what happens when you and she get together and I've fed on all of her love for you, leaving her, um…" She smacked her lips thoughtfully, searching for words. "A shriveled shell of her former self, you know how it goes."

"Mm-hmm."

"I've been thinking about what to do with her after that, and I think I've got it."

Discord nodded to her.

"I've decided," Chrysalis said, leaning toward him seductively and giving him a flirtatious stare, "that I'm going to order you to sloooowly cut her up into pieces, deep-fry her, and eat her with honey mustard sauce. What do you think of that?"

"I think your evil knows no bounds," he said. "I hate honey mustard sauce."

She stared at him in stunned silence. "That's all you have to say?"

"Yes, that's all."

Chrysalis shrugged. "All right, you get points for stoicism, but I hope you don't think I'm going to reward that. Now tell me how you really feel about the plan I just shared with you."

"Well, I'm revolted," he said expressionlessly. "Terrified. Wondering why on earth you'd ever want to do such a thing, you sick psycho."

"Because I hate you," she said sweetly and coquettishly, as the trees tilted their leaves to dabble her with romantic beams of sunlight. "You're very useful, but you cause me such irritation. I just want to see you in pain, and I want your pain to be creative and torturous and amusing. And since you find love so painful, I just can't think of any better way to BREAK YOUR SOUL"—she snarled in his face furiously, pressing her forehead against his—"than to have you carefully and intimately destroy someone who causes you that sweet, sweet agony." She strutted away with her nose in the air, leaving him dumbfounded and appalled.

"What… what… what are you saying, exactly?" he demanded. "Are you implying that I'm…? No! You seem to have your wires crossed, my queen. I made her fall in love with me, I've lived inside her head for a millennium so I can enjoy every bit of pain that she feels for it, and have a unique vantage point for watching the world go by, but I don't love her! She's my enemy. My nemesis. My single most hated foe… even counting you. Nothing beats a thousand years of antagonism."

Chrysalis laughed. "Now that, I believe. Just the last sentence, though. That your relationship with her is unique and has cultivated feelings which cannot be topped. But the rest…" She turned back to him, seeming confused. "You actually believe what you're saying. If you didn't, you wouldn't be able to say it. And yet the taste of your heart tells a different story. How very intriguing, that just one creature can be in so much denial."

She buzzed away, off into the sky, leaving Discord staring after her wide-eyed. He sat down on a fallen tree, stunned into silence. Cocoon stepped up to him and tasted the air around him with curiosity.

Discord glared. "What are you looking at, Snotty?"

Cocoon rolled his eyes and walked back to the hive. Discord was alone then, hunched over with his face in his hands, staring hard at the ground, his mind reeling.

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Endnotes

I have made a vow: I am now going to stop updating RFE's TVtropes page. It's already ridiculously detailed, I've already said everything about the story that could possibly be said, I'm just gonna leave it the way it is and let nature take its course. Maybe the page will become up-to-date as the story continues, and maybe not.

For instance, the page mentions the hints dropped through Legend that Discord and Shifter used to be in a relationship, which this chapter confirms. Since I'm not going to touch the page anymore, all I can do is hope and pray that someday, someone changes the entry to say that it's been confirmed.

Here's a trope for you: the Ironic Echo. It's in Chrysalis' line about denial. Anybody remember what she's echoing? …God, I hope somebody does, or else why am I even making callbacks?

Oh, and I just realized I never put Order Versus Chaos on the page. Shoot, that's kind of an important one. Nope, not gonna do it. Must resist. I vowed never to touch the page again, and so it shall be. …Could someone put Order Versus Chaos on there for me, please?