Beating the Heat

or

Friendship is Kinky

A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction

By Andrew J. Talon

DISCLAIMER: I... REGRET... NOTHING!

- - - - - - -

High above Ponyville, lying on a cloud as was her wont, Rainbow Dash snored softly in a deep sleep. Gently snoozing, there was no sign of any turmoil in her peaceful visage.

"Mmmm..." Quite the contrary, she seemed to be having an excellent dream. She twisted and turned, rolling onto her stomach and pushing her hips up high. "Yeahhh... Ahhh... Mmmm...!"

On another cloud, the appropriately named Dumb Bell, the confusingly named Score, and the equally appropriately named Hoops, were watching her with some interest. Former bullies of Rainbow Dash in flight school, after the Young Flyer's Competition they had become something even worse:

Admirers.

"Hey dude, what's with her?" Hoops asked his companion.

"Not a clue," Dumb Bell said. "But it's nice to watch, isn't it?"

"Yeah... It's... What do you call it... Allaying?"

"I think it's alternating," Dumb Bell stated.

"Ah, right," Hoops said.

Score, as was his want, merely laughed. Hoops and Dumb Bell paid it no mind-Their big friend was just kind of like that.

Their boorish musings were cut short by Rainbow Dash crying out as she wriggled and wiggled all over her cloud.

"Yes... Yes... YEE HAA! RIDE 'EM BRONY!" She cried out in bliss. The three male pegasus looked at each other curiously, before dropping off their cloud to fly up to her.

"Hey, Rainbow Dash? Rainbow Dash!" Hoops called.

"You all right?" Dumb Bell asked.

Rainbow Dash groaned, and slowly opened her eyes. She looked over at the three pegasus, licked her lips and gave them a come hither look that brought a blush to the face of all three of the stallions.

After a moment's realization, however, her eyes widened and she covered her nose.

"Oh, no. No. NO! Not even for the Wonderbolts!" She cried.

"What's wrong?" Dumb Bell asked.

"N-N-Nothing! I'm just... I'm infected with the... The T-Virus!" She cried.

"Duhduhduh," Dumb Bell added. At the curious looks he received from his companions, he shrugged.

"Is it serious? Can we help you out?" Hoops asked. Rainbow Dash gasped.

"No! Ew, are you kidding?! NO! Not for all the... I mean... N-No, I'm fine," Rainbow Dash said quickly and nervously.

"Is there anypony we can get to help you?" Dumb Bell asked in genuine concern.

Rainbow Dash's eyes became glazed, and she hummed in such a way that Hoops very nearly crashed due to how stiff his wings became.

"Mmmm... Find me some royal guards... Ooh... Or maybe Soarin', of the Wonderbolts... Maybe Soarin' and Spitfire togetherrrrr..." She trailed off abruptly at the stares. She shook her head free of distracting thoughts and coughed violently.

"N-No! No! I'm fine! I'm fine! I just need to... To..."

"What?" Dumb Bell asked, moving forward just enough to get in scenting distance. Rainbow Dash saw this, and her eyes widened almost comically in terror.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" She shrieked, practically knocking the dark brown pegasus out of the air. She zipped off, a rainbow colored blur that was screaming right for her home.

The three pegasus looked at each other again.

"... Damn, that mare is crazy," Score opined.

"I guess she's just having a really rotten day," Hoops assessed. "Hey! Why don't we see if we can cheer her up?"

"How? Bring her the royal guards and the Wonderbolts?" Dumb Bell asked sarcastically.

"Yes!" Hoops said.

"Oh," Dumb Bell said. He nodded. "I thought it'd be something stupid and impossible."

- - - - - - -

Rainbow Dash's cloud sanctum was rapidly transformed from a peaceful, picturesque castle into a fortress of doom. Dark stormclouds were positioned at every entrance and window, spikes made of ice jutted out menacingly, and the rainbow waterfall was redirected into a moat... Though what good that would do against ponies that could fly was debatable.

Rainbow Dash, satisfied her home was invasion proof, undertook the most important part of the whole project.

She started up a cold shower from a raincloud and got under it. She was shivering, and not entirely out of cold.

"Ewwww... F-F-Foals with those guys?" She shuddered. "Gr-Gross!"

Now making foals with one of those hunky royal guards, the strong silent type... Or maybe Soarin', that was the ticket... And Spitfire... Well, they couldn't make foals but it would still improve things-

"SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!" Rainbow Dash cried, covering her ears as though to ward off her thoughts. She groaned. "Stupid hormones..."

- - - - - - - -

"Bloody hell, if I knew it would take this long just to find the appropriate books, I'd have gone back to get original copies," the Doctor grumbled as he read through an ancient-looking volume entitled The Elements of Harmony: Myths and Legends. Nearby, Twilight Sparkle was bound and gagged, Spike sitting on top of her with an exhausted look upon his face.

"Geez... Go back where?" Spike asked flatly.

"Back... To the library, of course!" The Doctor said quickly. Spike glared at him, and the chestnut pony coughed.

"Right... Okay... I think I have what we need." He tapped the book. "This passage indicates that the Elements of Harmony are tapped into the most primal, primordial forces of life, while being framed by the virtues that define good."

"... So... Magic is the door, the virtues are the key?" Spike asked.

"Well... Sort of... In that it's not actually anything like that unless you have a key that's a door and a door that's a key-Let's just go with that," the Doctor said, seeing that smoke was beginning to curl away from the irate dragon's nostrils. "Point is, magic is a force of life... And what does life want to do more than anything else?"

"... Reproduce!" Spike said, slamming a fist into his palm. "Of course! And because Twilight is the holder of the Element of Magic-"

"Her heat is amplified by her virtue. There's irony for you," Doctor said with raised eyebrows.

"... Wait. What does this mean about the others?" Spike asked.

"The others? Oh! Right! The others!" The Doctor said. The chestnut colored pony's eyes widened, and he held his hooves to his temple.

"THE OTHERS?! THE OTHERS! YOU MEAN THE OTHERS WHO ARE SOME OF THE MOST MENTALLY UNSTABLE PONIES AROUND?!" He shouted.

Spike thought for a while... And his eyes were as big as the Doctor's. His reaction though was far more succinct.

"... Crap."

- - - - - - -

"Welcome to the Sugar Corner! I am Pinkie Pie, how can I do you today?" Pinkie Pie asked cheerfully.

Braeburn, in town for a convention to be held in Canterlot later that day, blinked rapidly at the strange pink pony he knew from Appleloosa. More specifically from setting off the war between ponies and buffalo in Appleloosa with her singing and dancing.

"Ah... Pardon me, ma'am?"

"Oh, you're pardoned!" Pinkie Pie said cheerfully. She leaned over the counter on her elbows, her smile's temperature changing from "flirtatious" to "downright sultry" and way, way up to "take me now, stud."

How those could be defined as temperatures is beyond the author but given the subject at hand is Pinkie Pie, said author was confident he'd be forgiven.

"... Thank you kindly?" Braeburn offered.

"So! What can I get you?" Pinkie Pie asked. "Maybe... A nice, gooey, delicious cream pie?" She ran her tongue over her teeth and then lightly trapped her tongue between her jaws. Braeburn tugged at his collar, feeling very hot all of a sudden.

"Ahhh... Well... That does sound mighty appetizin', miss..."

"It'd even be on the house, given how naughty I was during the whole Appleloosa incident," Pinkie said, pressing her body over the counter. It was impossible for Braeburn to not notice how the pink pony's hindquarters were raised... As though in invitation...

Braeburn shook his head furiously, clearing it of any inappropriate thoughts, before he gave the pink pony a smile.

"Oh, think nothin' of it, miss! Why, without that pie war, the peace wouldn't have been possible. It was just, ya know, a big ol' release on the pressure."

"Yes... A nice, big, thrusting hard release," Pinkie Pie purred.

"... Ah, miss, ah don't remember any thrusting-"

"RIDE ME LIKE A TRAIL OF MARSHMALLOWS!"

"LAND O' GOSHEN!"

- - - - - - - -

The sun was at around mid-morning height, and Applejack had already worked up a good, healthy sweat from a morning of hard work. She grinned over at the wagons of apples all packed up and ready to be put away in the shadow of the great Apple family barn.

"Haa..." She smiled cheerfully. She looked over the piles of apples in wagons, breathing hard.

"Not bad for a morning's work!" The orange pony exulted.

"Not bad for a weekend's work," rattled a familiar, ancient voice. Applejack looked over at Granny, who was approaching with her walker. "Landsake, Applejack! You've cut a harvest's worth! What's gotten into you?"

"Well... Ah don't rightly know," Applejack admitted. "It's a funny feelin', like what ah get around..."

"Around...?" Prompted Granny Smith. Applejack flushed.

"Around the days ah go jump in th' lake," she confided. Granny Smith blinked, then nodded.

"Ahhh... Ah remember such days in my youth. When ah would work and work and work like one of them newfangled machines, mah shapely flanks glistenin' in the sun-"

"Ah, Granny," Applejack tried, but Granny continued.

"Shush girl, ah'm tryin' to tell you mah story! Anyway, where was ah?"

"Uhhh..." Applejack tried, but Granny beat her to the punch.

"Oh yes! Mah glistening flanks attracted many a colt and stallion to watch. Crowds of 'em, all clamoring and panting over me," Granny said proudly. "Every one of 'em a hard working steed! Why, if it were up t' me ah'd have ridden them all long, long, long into the night, and some of 'em ah actually-"

"Oh! Look! Apples! Apples needin' harvesting! Ah'd best tend to that, Granny!" Applejack said, galloping off. Granny continued her tale, as though missing her granddaughter's departure.

"Actually rode the dickens... Heh! Some of 'em couldn't walk afterwards, but then neither could ah for that matter..."

- - - - - -

"Phew," Applejack sighed, wiping her brow off. As dearly as she loved her grandmother, there were many things she did not want to hear from her.

Finding out Granny Smith had posed in an issue of Playcolt had been comparatively tame, all things considered. Though Applejack supposed it did help her build up an immunity to such things.

There was a harsh, hot throb inside her, and she shuddered.

"Okay... Focus on current problem," she groaned, leaning against a tree. "No big deal... Jest gotta focus. Ain't another stallion around for a good distance, so ah can keep focused... Focused..." She nodded to herself.

"Focused..."

Across the meadows, a now naked Braeburn came into view, galloping like Nightmare Moon herself was after him. He slid to a halt in front of the bewildered Applejack and grabbed her shoulders.

"Cuz! Ya gotta help me!"

"Huh? What fer? What's wrong?" Applejack asked.

"Well... That there pink friend of yours has gone totally... Well... Please, ya gotta help me!" Braeburn cried desperately, shaking Applejack and looking deeply into her eyes. Applejack flushed dark red, then shoved him away.

"Ah ain't that kind of cousin!" She said angrily.

"Neither am ah! But she's gainin' on me and ah-!"

"Oh Braeeeeburrrrnnn~," called a sultry, and somewhat familiar voice. Braeburn twitched.

"You ain't never seen me!" He hissed. He turned and galloped off as fast as he could. A few moments later, Pinkie Pie came into view, skipping along as was her want.

"Oh Applejack... Where did Braeburn go?" She asked, batting her eyes. Applejack blinked, then slowly pointed to the right. Pinkie Pie beamed.

"Thank you!" She resumed skipping along, and soon vanished. Applejack watched where she had gone for a few moments, before shaking her head.

"Maybe Twilight's got something fer this," she muttered. "Can't understand it at all..."

She decided to see the mage unicorn to hopefully get this sorted out... But only after she'd found some noseplugs.

Upon reaching Granny Smith, however...

"... Then that big one in the middle said 'Ah reckon you ain't never seen one like this!' And ah said 'Eh, maybe once r' twice..."

"Ah think ah'll be fine," Applejack mumbled, feeling very queasy.

- - - - - - - -

Big Macintosh was waiting patiently in the showroom part of Rarity's boutique, skimming some of the magazines provided to those who were waiting on deliveries. While not much for the intricacies of fashion himself, being a pragmatic stallion, Big Macintosh could appreciate looking his best at formal events. Indeed, he might just need a nice tux for... For...

Whirkawhirkawhirkawhirkawhirka...

A curious thing was happening to the top of the door the proprietress of the establishment had vanished behind: It was being cut through by a saw, which, due to its glow, was being guided by a unicorn's telekinesis.

"Miss Rarity?" Big Macintosh called.

Whirk-

"Ah, yes, it's me!" Rarity said. "Sorry, um... Circumstances dictate I do this behind doors... I believe you can smell why?"

Big Mac coughed. "Ah... Eeyup, ah can miss, but ah think it's all right for you to come out now."

"What?! Come out? In... In my condition?" Rarity gasped.

"Ah've taken precautions, miss," Big Mac assured her. "Ah believe if we conclude our business quickly, you will be quite safe."

"Ah... In all honesty, Big Macintosh, it's not my safety I'm concerned about," Rarity said with a wavering voice. Big Mac shook his head.

"Well it's a far sight better than havin' to saw a hole in your door, miss," the big red stallion pointed out. There was silence for a moment, before the saw was withdrawn. The lock was undone, and the door very, very slowly opened.

Rarity poked her head out from behind the door cautiously, and Big Mac was reminded of his youngest sister. Her eyes locked with his... And she smiled in delight.

"Oh! How clever!" She exclaimed. "A clothespin! Why didn't I think of that?"

"You had other things on your mind, miss, ain't nothing to it," Big Mac said modestly, if a bit nasally. He pointed to another clothespin with his protected nose, and Rarity snatched it up with her telekinesis to place it upon her own snout.

"Ahh... There we are," Rarity sighed through her mouth. "Yes... I believe I can control myself, just long enough." She turned around and Big Mac's eyes locked onto her flanks like a heat seeking magic missile. Certainly Big Mac had appreciated Rarity's fine form before, but in this instance it was far more...

He shook his head rapidly, closed his eyes, and counted to ten.

"Just a... Oh my, I seem to have misplaced it," Rarity called back. "Could you be a dear and help me, Big Macintosh~?"

There was a lilt to her voice that thrilled the... Well, lower extremities of his person, but made him cautious when his mind had had a thing or two to say about it.

"Ah'm not sure that would be a good idea," Big Mac said.

"Nonsense! I believe we're both mature, responsible enough ponies to... Resist our base natures long enough to complete our business," Rarity called back. Big Mac shelved his worries for the moment, despite old instinct telling him this wasn't what it appeared to be.

Just get Smartypants and get out. Keep your mind on the mission, as Sarge said, Big Mac thought to himself. He entered the back room with this in mind, and scanned the area with military precision.

So many feminine accoutrements and implements surrounded him, and Rarity was nowhere to be seen. He saw a staircase leading up, littered with a few scraps of fabric.

"Miss Rarity?" He risked calling as he got inside the door. It didn't slam shut immediately behind him, which Mac took as a good sign.

"Oh drat!" Rarity called from upstairs, "Now I remember! I took her upstairs to repair her in my bedroom! I didn't want to take any chances, you understand. Would you come up and help me?"

Big Mac fought down a blush. "Ah, miss, ah'm not sure that would be appropriate-"

"Speed is of the essence, is it not?" Rarity pushed. "We are both mature ponies, capable of knowing exactly what we want."

The unusual emphasis of her words added to the worry in Big Mac's mind, but he put it down. She was right, and he was confident in his ability to fight her off if it came down to that.

He ascended the steps cautiously, avoiding the fabric. He came up into the upper part of her home, and saw the door to what he presumed was her bedroom, wide open. Big Mac narrowed his eyes.

He army crawled (not an easy thing to do as a stallion but possible) up to the door. He looked inside, and spied Smartypants covered by a blanket in the center of the room. Rarity was searching a bit frantically through some chests of materials just within sight, her round bottom undulating up and down as she looked. Big Mac kept his focus on Smartypants, and as silently as he could, trotted up to the doll and picked it up.

The door slammed shut behind him, and he winced at the sound of the lock turning. Rarity turned around, clothespin forgotten and a wide, devious smile on her face.

"Welcome to my parlor~," she purred, advancing on him.

"Said the spider to the fly," Big Mac completed, eyes narrowed. He backed away as the lust crazed mare advanced.

"Come now Big Mac... As I emphasized before, we're both responsible, mature ponies. We both know what we want~," she got right in his personal space and pressed her nuzzle against his. "Is there anything wrong in getting it?"

"When you've made yer intentions clear, Miss, before layin' this trap, there is for me," Big Mac returned calmly, even as sweat began to break out on his brow.

"Oh, that was just me being a bit afraid of what I was feeling," Rarity dismissed, nuzzling his nose with a breathy sigh. "Now I'm completely certain of what I want."

"With respect, miss, this ain't exactly normal behavior fer you and ah fear you'd regret things afterwards," Big Mac calmly said, even as he began to back up towards the door. "Ah don't want to hurt you."

"So... You're going to make this difficult?" Rarity asked, almost hurt. Big Mac narrowed his eyes and snorted as best he could through a clothespin on his nose.

"Ah never give up easy in anything, Miss Rarity."

"Good," Rarity purred, "neither do I! That's one reason I'm entirely sure of what I'm doing." She laughed, as ribbons, scissors, needles, yards of fabric, and ornate ropes rose around her. "And is anything really worth it if it's an easy victory?"

"Ah don't expect it is," Big Mac returned, tensed and ready for a rumble.

"Then let this be your last battlefield... Of love!" Rarity cried.

Ah knew it was a bad day to get out of bed, Big Mac thought, as the battle was joined.

- - - - - - - -

Outside the Carousel Boutique, the Doctor, Spike, and a bound and gagged Twilight in a wagon came to an abrupt stop as the sounds of intense combat could be heard occurring from within the shop.

"Oh my gosh!" Spike gasped, raising his clawed fingers to his cheeks. "Rarity! We've gotta get in there and save-!"

One of the windows was smashed by a very large, red colored and Big Mac-shaped object. Given the possibilities, the Doctor had to go with the theory that the mysterious projectile was in fact Big Macintosh.

"Big Macintosh? Are you all right?"

"Nnnope," Big Macintosh groaned, as he slowly got to his hooves. He was scratched, bruised, pinned and even had some rope burns... But he had a wide, feral smile on his face.

"What's going on?!" Spike demanded. "Where's Rarity?"

"Inside," Big Mac said. "Ah'm holdin' her off as best ah can."

"Do you need help?" Spike asked. "I'll do anything to help her!"

"No, no... This is the kind o' thing only ah can do," Big Mac said.

"Yes! Just look at him! He's going right into the depths of peril to aid her!" The Doctor observed.

"I can handle peril!" Spike protested. Big Mac laid a heavy hoof on his shoulder.

"Ah'm afraid it's just too perilous," Big Mac said. "Don'tcha worry none. Ah'll keep her from hurtin' anypony, but ah need to do it alone."

"I think we should listen to him, Spike," the Doctor said. "Besides, we need to make sure the others are safely contained first."

Spike pouted. "But... But...!"

Fabrics of every kind, formed into a whip, lashed out through the window and wrapped around Big Macintosh. With large eyes, he fell over as he was dragged back in. Spike grabbed onto his hooves.

"No! No! Big Mac, hold on! Let me go in your place!" Spike wailed.

Big Mac shook his head. "Nnnope. Ah'm afraid... She may be too much fer me..." He gave Spike a fiery look. "You've gotta let me to her! And do what you can fer the others! Like a real stallion would!"

Spike sniffled, feeling manly tears coming to his eyes. "I... I will, Big Mac! For you!"

"Thank you," Big Mac said.

"We'll come back for you when we're done, I promise!" Spike said.

"Ah... No, no, that's all right," Big Mac said quickly, trying to contain a grin. "This... Is the kind o' thing you can only have one stallion fer. Otherwise it's really... Awkward."

"Huh?" Spike asked.

"Go on! Live fer me, Spike!" Big Mac quickly called, as he was yanked back into the boutique. "Live fer meeeeoooohhh!"

The Doctor turned Spike away. "Trust me... You don't want to watch. This won't be pretty."

A beat.

"Well I suppose the fabric designs are rather inspired... Oh wow, I had no idea she knew how to make something like that! I guess you learn something new every day!"

Spike sniffled a bit, and turned away from the Doctor entirely. He took a deep breath before clenching his fists together.

"Don't worry, Big Mac! I won't let you down!" Spike said dramatically. He turned to Twilight, to share that reassurance with her... But found his gallant speech would have been addressed only to an empty wagon.

"Doctor! Doctor, Twilight is-Is... Is..." He covered his eyes with his claws.

"Let me guess... She remembered she can teleport, grabbed you, teleported out... And I'm talking to myself."

He turned and looked. He groaned.

"I hate being right..."

- - - - - - - -

And this is where I go to Pony Hell. Again. But the real horror is yet to come. Just you wait.