Beating the Heat

or

Friendship is Kinky

A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction

By Andrew J. Talon

DISCLAIMER:This is a non-profit fan-made work of prose. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is the property of Hasbro. Please support the official release.

Author's Note: I... REGRET... NOTHING!

And once again I must thank my excellent co-writer Friendly Uncle for his continuing contributions to this fic. Go read his stuff!

In addition, I would like to thank LuckyStampede for his contributions to this fic in the arena of brainstorming. He was a lot of help.

- - - - - - -

Twilight blasting Trixie out of the dome of the great vault room did much to give the Shadowbolts a dramatic entrance, but it left our heros without their most powerful friend.

“What are they doing here?” Rarity cried.

“Oh! Oh! Me, me, I know! I know!” Pinkie Pie said, waving her hooves cheerfully. “They’re here-”

“We’re here for your stallions!” Nightshade declared with a smirk. Pinkie scowled up at her.

“I was gonna say it!”

“You’re not gonna say anything when we’ve taken all your stallions!” crowed Natrix, “you’re just going to cry, because we’re going to take all the stallions for ourselves, and not... leave... any... for... did it get cold in here all of a sudden?”

The other two Shadowbolts drifted away as Natrix slowly turned to look behind her. Loops of Big Macintosh’s ropes still hanging from her hooves, Fluttershy glared down at Natrix with eyes as cold and blue as chips of ice. The Shadowbolt made a choking noise in the back of her throat and backed away.

“All of the stallions?” said Fluttershy quietly.

Natrix turned to her fellow Shadowbolts for help, but they simply shrugged. Swallowing, she turned back to Fluttershy and nodded.

“All of ‘em,” she growled.

“Eep,” Pinkie Pie whimpered, moving behind Braeburn.

Fluttershy’s eyes narrowed.

“Oh my,” Rarity uttered, as it was quite elegant to be understated. She found cover behind Big Macintosh. Rainbow Dash blinked rapidly, and fell off of Big Macintosh’s back.

“You... you... big... dumb... MEANIE!” Fluttershy was literally spitting with rage.

Somewhere behind her goggles, Natrix blinked in confusion. “What the hay are you- ACK!”

A yellow and pink blur struck the Shadowbolt full in the face and sent her careening across the room, slamming into pillars and bouncing off the floor. Natrix tried to pull herself back onto her hooves only to have an enraged Fluttershy hit her with a flying tackle. Giving up entirely in the adorable face of death itself, the Shadowbolt turned tail and attempted to flee, Fluttershy still clinging to her back and yanking on Natrix’s mane with her teeth.

“HELP! She’s in my hair! She’s got my wings! My wings! In the name of Luna’s plot somepony help me!”

Soarin’ silently wished to Celestia that he had his Wonderbolts uniform right now, because he was more turned on at that moment than he had ever been before in his life.

“Well don’t jest cower! GIT EM’!” Shouted Applejack. She swung her rope around the next nearest Shadowbolt, Velvet, and swung her into a pillar.

“GAH!” She cried. The Shadowbolt scowled at her and flapped her wings hard, lifting into the air. Applejack yanked back hard, growling through the rope in her teeth.

“Nnngh... Hngh...!” Unfortunately she was soon airborne, and Velvet flew around the room at high speed, swinging the orange mare behind her. “MMMMM!”

Soarin’ frowned hugely. “Knockoff Wonderbolt wannabe messin’ with my sorta marefriend? I don’t think so!”

He leaped into the air, and immediately plowed into the floor when his wings remained tied firmly to his sides. Groaning, the pegasus jumped back up and strained at the ropes, trying to burst them with his wings. No such luck. Above him, Velvet made another turn around the room, Applejack’s screaming muffled by the rope as she was whipped along behind her.

Soarin’ made a worried noise in his throat and looked around. Not so much as a random shard of glass to cut the ropes with. He looked up at Velvet with a snarl as she continued screaming around the room, the wind whistling over the tips of her wings.

Soarin’s eyes narrowed. He planted his hooves and crouched, eyeing the Shadowbolt carefully as she came around for another pass. Gathering his legs underneath himself, the Wonderbolt waited until the last minute and jumped.

Velvet let out a squawk of surprise as Soarin’ appeared in the air almost in front of her, her flight path becoming erratic as she swerved to avoid him. As they passed, the slipstream of her wing brushed his side. And the sheer speed and pressure of the maneuver neatly severed the ropes.

“Yes!” crowed Soarin’ as he spread his feathered appendages wide at last.

“MmmMMPH!” yelled Applejack as she plowed into the oblivious Pegasus.

“Aaaaiiieee!” screamed Velvet as the weight on her rope doubled and sent all three of them slamming into the ground.

- - - - - - - -

Pinkie Pie had been watching all of this, and then turned to Nightshade with a scowl.

“I wanna fight too!” She whined. “I mean, we didn’t even get to finish our fight from before!”

“No, we didn’t,” Nightshade grinned. A grin soon matched on Pinkie’s face... And Braeburn’s.

“Braeburn, what are you grinning about?” Pinkie asked curiously. The Apple farmer coughed.

“Uh... Well ah... Ah...”

“You’re looking forward to watching me fight her, aren’t you?” Pinkie said, in an almost accusatory tone. Braeburn looked back and forth between the Shadowbolt and his... His...

“Now hang on,” said he, “we haven’t even established what our relationship is, Pinkie!”

The pink pony’s eyes widened, realization flooding her face. “Oh! You’re right! Wanna be my coltfriend?”

“Sure as shootin’!” He said happily.

“THEN SHE CAN’T HAVE YOU!” Pinkie cried, jumping up onto Braeburn’s back and leaping up onto the Shadowbolt.

“AH! OW! STOP BITING ME!” The Shadowbolt cried as she went into a corkscrew and flew off. Braeburn grinned as he watched... Until Rarity’s tail smacked him in the back of the head.

“Stop gawking at your marefriend and help us!” The purple maned beauty huffed.

“Rainbow?” said the Doctor, putting away his sonic screwdriver. “Can you hear me? How many hooves am I holding up?”

“French toast?” the pegasus managed.

“Rainbow Dash, you have to focus!” the Doctor barked, “Ponies are getting hurt here! ...a Wonderbolt is getting hurt!”

Rainbow’s eyes rolled into focus, then hardened into a glare.

“Oh not on my watch!” she yelled, “No pony assaults the Wonderbolts while I’m around!”

She launched herself into the air, then let out a sharp cry as her progress was arrested by the Doctor’s hoof pinning her tail to the floor.

“No, no, the others can handle that!” said the Doctor, pausing to look around at the melee, “... I think. I need you to do something for me, Rainbow Dash! Something only you can do!”

Rainbow whined as she watched Velvet bucking Soarin’ into a pillar, then shook her head and turned to the Doctor. “Whatcha need?”

“I need you to fly back to Ponyville,” he answered.

Rainbow Dash’s expression spoke far more eloquently than she ever could just how thrilled she was with that plan. The Doctor forestalled the inevitable tirade with a hoof to her lips. The physical contact made Dash’s eye, and other parts of her, twitch.

“I need you to get something for me,” he elaborated, “it’s behind the library... I think. Or it might be behind the Town Hall. ...or... maybe I left it in the basement... look there’s no time to worry about that now! You’ll know it when you see it, it’s blue and square and it’s bigger on the inside than it is on the outside and it has ‘Police’ on the outside in big white letters. I need you to get inside it, find the control panel, and hit the button that says ‘Do Not Touch’.”

Rainbow raised an eyebrow. “Why am I pushing this button, now?”

“Because it told you not to.”

She considered this for a long moment, then nodded solemnly.

“Good enough for me. I’ll be there in ten seconds flat!”

She took off like a missile, and without the Doctor to stop her this time the pegasus became a streak of rainbow colors that shattered a window and stretched off into the distance. A loud boom sounded as Rainbow once again made the sound barrier her mare. Big Macintosh winced as he looked at the pile of broken stained glass she’d left behind.

“Ah hope the Princess don’t mind us wreckin’ her castle,” he said.

“I wouldn’t worry,” said Rarity, “The ponies in that window were upside down anyway.”

- - - - - - - - -

“Doctor? Any ideas for how to get the vault open now?” Spike asked flatly, as the brawl continued in the background. The brown stallion rubbed his chin.

“Well, if the TARDIS doesn’t get here in time...”

“What? What?” Spike asked. He turned and gaped. “What?!”

“You don’t have to be so melodramatic, it’s really not tha-AH!” The Doctor was shoved out of the way of a sizzling laser shot by Spike, and sent crashing to the floor. The brown stallion got back up and sighed.

“You’re really very stubborn about this killing me thing, aren’t you?” He asked wearily of the Master. The blonde pony sneered as he staggered towards him.

“I always am,” the Master said.

“Right then, tally ho!” The Doctor turned and galloped away for the hallway, the Master in hot pursuit. Spike made to follow.

“Spike! I need your help, please!” Rarity insisted. Spike turned back to see Rarity still valiantly thrusting her horn in and out, in and out...

“Of course! Right away!” Spike said quickly.

- - - - - - - - - -

Natrix panted heavily as she pumped her wings harder, straining to move faster as she shot towards the broken window, and freedom. She was almost there, she was so close, she was so close...

A weight attached itself to her tail, and Natrix dropped like a stone, moaning in horror as she hit the ground, and the pegasus that was biting her tail pounced, pinning her to the floor. Fluttershy cackled as she stood over the helpless Shadowbolt, her eyes wide and crazed with a combination of frustration, lust, and deep-seated emotional issues. Natrix cringed as she imagined bolts of lightning crackling behind the maniacal pegasus and her horrible staring eyes.

“No!” the Shadowbolt yelped, “please, I’m sorry! I’ll let you have the stallions! Just leave me alone!”

Fluttershy’s laughter faded as she looked down at Natrix’s trembling form. Her wild glare softened as she quickly jumped off of her victim and started nuzzling her cheek as comfortingly as she was able.

“Oh no, I did it again! Oh I’m so sorry are you alright? It’s okay, I’m not going to hurt you! ...anymore. Oh dear, Fluttershy you’re such a bad pony! Oh there there, don’t cry, please don’t cry...”

Natrix pulled her hooves away from her face, staring at the vanilla-pudding colored pegasus in slack-jawed awe. “Wha... what do you mean you’re not going to hurt me!?”

“I’m not,” said Fluttershy, tears brimming in the corners of her eyes, “I promise I’m not. I’m so sorry, I just got so carried away and this heat has been so awful and then you started talking about taking away my stallions and I just let it all build up, and, and I’m so sorry can you ever forgive me?”

Natrix gawked at Fluttershy. The other pegasus smiled as gently as she could, her big blue eyes going round and shiny as she snuggled meekly against the Shadowbolt’s cheek. A wandering bird wandered through the broken window and just happened to alight on Fluttershy’s head ear, puffing itself into an adorable ball of feathery sweetness.

Then Natrix punched Fluttershy in the face as hard as she could.

“NO!” she shouted as she got up, “I don’t forgive you, you crazy pony! I’m going to get some stallion today if it kills me!”

Fluttershy took a few steps back, her entire body trembling. When she raised her head back up to look at Natrix there was a long streak of blood trickling out of her nose and down her chin. Tears streaked down the sides of her face, and then fell into her mouth as it opened into an unnaturally wide smile. Fluttershy’s glazed, bloodshot eyes Stared into the core of Natrix’s soul, freezing the pegasus on the spot as the yellow Pegasus slowly stepped closer.

“I can arrange that,” she whispered.

Somewhere in the depths of Natrix’s mind, she screamed.

A large hoof with a red fetlock settled gently on Fluttershy’s shoulder.

“Nope,” said Big Mac succinctly.

Fluttershy’s head jerked around at the touch. “Macintosh?” she warbled, “It’s okay, I just have to get rid of her and then we can go do... things.” She giggled.

Big Mac took in a deep breath and looked Fluttershy square in the eyes.

“No.”

The pegasus twitched.

“But she... she’s so... MEAN.”

“Fluttershy,” said Mac carefully, willing his body to stop trembling as he put both of his forehooves on her shoulders, “this is what we talked about. Yer all worked up. Let it go.”

Fluttershy turned to look at Natrix, who was still frozen solid. She turned back to Big Mac, and she was crying harder now, the grimace slowly melting off her face.

“They’re all so mean... why do they have to be so mean? Why can’t we just... get along...?”

The big farm pony patted her gently, waiting until she looked down at the floor to risk giving her a quick nuzzle. “It’ll be okay,” he said again, “just let it all out. Let it flow.”

Fluttershy leaned her forehead against Big Mac’s barrel of a chest and sobbed. He rubbed her back and turned to look at Natrix, who was starting to twitch.

“Y’all better got on outta here ma’am,” he drawled, “she’s really a good filly, but she’s been through quite a lot today. I would not advise continuing to push yer luck.”

“...she’s not the only one,” muttered Natrix, scuffing her hooves on the floor. “I just wanted some nookie! Is that so wrong!?”

“I’ll...” Fluttershy sniffled. “I mean... I’m willing to share,” she mumbled.

“What,” said Natrix and Big Mac.

“I mean, if Big Macintosh doesn’t mind,” she said, with just a hint of a smile.

“...NO!” Natrix screeched, “no sharing! I want a stallion for me! Mine! All mine! Mine mine mine!”

Big Mac started to tense up as Fluttershy sighed. “Are you sure we can’t talk about this?” she asked.

“Yes I’m sure!”

“Oh. Alright then.”

The stained glass window next to the one that rainbow Dash had flown through shattered into a million multicolored pieces as Natrix hurtled through it, wailing in terror as she sailed into the air and dropped towards the great white waterfalls far below them. Screaming curses that would have made Princess Celestia blush, the Shadowbolt pulled up out of her dive and flew away as quickly as her irregularly beating wings could carry her.

“See, what I really wanted to do was twist her head off,” Fluttershy commented, “but I thought that would have been going too far. Was this alright instead?”

“...eeeeyup,” said Big Mac, who was too terrified to say anything else.

- - - - - - - - -

“My hero,” Applejack grumbled as she pushed Soarin’ off of herself and scrambled onto her hooves, working her jaw to make sure it hadn’t been dislocated during her ride.

“Hey, I got myself untied!” said Soarin’ as he hopped upright, “you’ve got a Wonderbolt on your side now! I am a flying, flank-kicking, pie-eating machine! That crazy mare doesn’t stand a chance!”

“Yeah, whatever,” Applejack muttered in response, “y’all couldn’t even take Spike.”

Soarin’ blinked, looking back and forth between Applejack and the aforementioned baby dragon, who seemed to be petting Rarity’s tail encouragingly while she earnestly horned the friendship out of Celestia’s vault.

“What?”

“You know, when he was forty stories tall and terrorrizin’ Ponyville,” she elaborated, “y’all came screamin’ down outta the sky and didn’t do anything but give him a bad haircut. Some heroes.”

The Wonderbolt’s jaw literally hit the ground. “THAT WAS HIM?”

“He got better.”

“Well, yeah, but... I mean...” Soarin’ sputtered, “he was a lot bigger then!”

Applejack just looked at him.

“So uh, are we gonna fight or what?” asked Velvet, hovering above them. “‘Cause if you two were just gonna argue then Soarin’ and I could go do something instead. IfyouknowwhatImean.”

“You keep your hooves to yourself!” growled Applejack, “Only pie he’s eatin’ is mine!”

“Oh yeah?”

Velvet shot towards the earth pony in a blur of motion. Applejack whirled to buck her out of the air, but the pegasus easily avoided the blow, causing Applejack to overbalance and tumble head over hooves onto the floor. Velvet rose back into the air behind her, Applejack’s stetson perched on her head, cackling gleefully.

“I don’t think you can keep up with him!”

Soarin’ divebombed the Shadowbolt from above, whooping. “I don’t think you can keep up with me either!”

Velvet grinned and ducked under the tackle, grabbing Soarin’s tail in her teeth and shooting upwards. Soarin’ yelped and spun in mid-air, losing his balance and landing on the floor next to Applejack with a thump. Velvet started flying rings around them, laughing.

“I’m here to kick flank and eat hay! And we’re all out of hay!”

“Alright,” said Applejack, “Now ah am annoyed. Bad enough she’s tryin’ to take mah stallion, but nopony, and I mean nopony, touches mah dang hat.”

“...hey!” said Soarin’.

“Don’t be sore sugarcube, I’ve known the hat longer. Now you get to your wings and keep her busy. I got an idea.”

“Keep her busy? How am I supposed to do that!?”

“You’re the Wonderbolt! Improvise!”

Velvet got bored and shot towards them again. Soarin’ leaped into the air just in time to avoid the attack, slapping his tail against the Shadowbolt’s haunch as he went. Velvet let out a small cry and whipped around to follow him, grinning evilly.

“Oh, you wanna be like that, huh? Mama like!”

Soarin’ made a rude gesture with his primaries and banked hard, curling around one of the pillars and heading back towards Velvet. She squealed in delight and rushed towards him, wings pumping madly. At the last second Soarin’ ducked underneath her, leaving Velvet to air brake hard before she put herself through a window.

“Not getting rid of me that easily!” she crowed as she turned around for another pass. Soarin’ narrowed his eyes and smiled, bouncing off another pillar and shooting right back at her, the wind whistling dangerously over his wings. Velvet curled her wings and rolled as she flew at him, a whirlwind forming around her body.

The Wonderbolt snorted and twitched to the left. His wings sliced through the mini tornado like a hot knife through butter. Velvet let out a short scream of frustration as she turned again, and then let out another shout as she saw Soarin’ now sporting a stetson hat.

“Hey, that’s mine!” she whined, “I stole it from the dumb hick pony fair and square, just like I’m going to steal you!”

“Yeah?” said Soarin’, “well I stole it back. Come and get it. And me.”

Velvet licked her lips and shot forward, eager to accept his challenge. And as she felt a sickening tug around her middle, she realized two things. One, she’d never bothered to take off the rope that Applejack had lassoed her with, and two, the earth pony had just tied the other end of it to a supporting pillar.

“Oh buck me,” she groaned, just before her momentum sent her spinning around the pillar. The rope wound tight and Velvet slammed into the pillar before falling to the ground with a thud. Whereupon the dizzy pegasus threw up and passed out.

“You know what?” said Soarin’ as he landed and flipped Applejack’s hat back onto her head, “that was a good idea.”

“Thanks,” said Applejack, “and you’re not too bad at the hero thing, if it comes to it.”

“Thanks.”

They had some quick victory makeouts, and then went to see how Rarity was doing.

- - - - - - - - - -

The rooftops of Canterlot Palace ranged from vast flat stretches of concrete and marble to steep sloping tower tops and arched ceilings. Connecting them were numerous skyways, open and closed, that made an elegant web of passageways that could only truly be appreciated from above.

Indeed, Twilight was very much appreciating them for one important reason.

“You irritating egomaniac!” Twilight snarled as she tore one skyway out between the buildings, smashed it with her magic, and fired the debris off like a mine blowing shrapnel. Trixie teleported out of the way, returning fire with her own torn skyway she’d torn from between the Wonderbolt quarters and the Museum of Not-Quite-Modern-But-Not-Quite-Classic-Art. Which may have helped to explain why the passageway was covered on one side and open on the other.

The stones flew furiously between them, each mare nimbly dodging or blocking the other’s attacks.

“Irritating egomaniac?! You pathetic sexy wellspring of inane aesops!” Trixie shouted back. “You firm flanked financially foiling foal! You ruined my life! I’ve been unable to get any good work since you exposed my fraud!”

“It was Snips and Snails who did that! I just cleaned up their mess you inspired!” Twilight shot back angrily.

“Yes, but they’re not as sexy!” Trixie bellowed back, unleashing a blast of fireworks from her horn that shot in every direction, before converging on Twilight like a thousand perfectly guided bees. The shots struck their mark, exploding in a shower of sparks and smoke. Trixie cackled.

“Only a unicorn such as yourself could ever be considered my rival!”

“Just because of how sexy I am?” Asked a voice right next to her ear. Trixie gasped and shuddered, obviously not in fright. “Well, I’m very flattered. However-”

BOOM!

Trixie was sent flying into another skyway, and projected a shield that saved her from serious injury. She got back to her hooves from the mess she had been lying in. She looked up to see Twilight teleport a few meters away from her with a smile.

“That’s not enough for a serious rivalry,” she growled. Trixie smirked.

“Good thing I’m going to have your Doctor now then, isn’t it?” She simpered. Twilight’s eyes flashed in rage, and power crackled around her glowing eyes like crows feet.

Trixie responded by galloping up to her and kissing her. Twilight’s eyes bugged out.

“Mmph?”

A wave of force erupted from Trixie, and the kiss broke as the purple unicorn was sent tumbling end over end into the next building. She smashed into what felt like an enormous marble statue, her magic protecting her from serious injury but the shock of the fall to the floor stunning her.

“Nngh...” Twilight rose on shaky legs, forcing her head up. Through the archway came Trixie, prancing in her smugness. The tip of her horn glowed brightly, and there was the smell of ozone. Twilight’s eyes widened as she took in their surroundings-A marble domed room with a very large marble statue of the parents of Luna and Celestia, the mighty Orbash of Dark and Tau Sunflare of Light.

“Trixie, wait! Don’t!” Twilight shouted.

Trixie’s response was a powerful lightning strike, flashing through the hall with a crack and rumble as Twilight’s shields flared to contain the bolt. The purple unicorn was left shaking from the force, and winced as she heard creaking from the ceiling above.

“You can’t do that!” Twilight cried. “You might bring the whole thing down on us-!”

CRACKABOOM!

Another lightning strike, and Twilight managed to deflect it. Unfortunately, the bolt struck the head of Orbash, and it fell down for the floor. Twilight sprang out of the way as the head, which was as big as her entire body, smashed down scant inches behind her.

“Oof!” She cried as she lost her footing and slid on the polished floor, spinning around until she hit the far wall. “Ah!”

“Heheheh... I think the only threat around here is me,” Trixie purred as she trotted slowly for her opponent. Twilight opened her eyes and groaned, shaking her head clear of her daze. She pushed herself back up and glared death at Trixie, who laughed it off.

“I believe it’s time to end this,” she hissed as her aura exploded into a cascade of light and color. “The big finale...!”

“GERONIMOOOO!” Shouted somepony from above. Trixie looked up in astonishment as a brown colt fell from the catwalk circling the dome above. He was gritting his teeth as he fell, the wind whipping through his mane, his eyes narrowed against the force of the air, his legs spread wide to slow himself down-

WHAM!

-but not enough as he hit the marble floor with painful force.

“Oof!” The Doctor groaned. “Owww...”

Trixie gaped in disbelief for a moment, before she let out a little laugh. Especially as the Doctor’s sonic screwdriver fell after him and bounced off his head.

“Derp! Ow! Ow!” The Doctor cried as his sonic rolled over to the shocked Twilight.

“Heheheheh... Hahahahaha!” Trixie snickered. “Well! I’ll give you this, Doctor. You’re persistent!” She gave him a cruel grin. “If not quite as clever as I was led to believe.”

“Ah... Heh... You’re quite right about that,” the Doctor groaned, managing to look up at her. “About both... I am not very clever.”

He grinned.

“But I know a pony who is.”

In that instant, Twilight snapped into action. The screwdriver ascended into the air thanks to her magic, turned towards Trixie, and snapped on with a loud, shrill buzz. Trixie gasped, her red cheeks growing darker, as her flanks trembled.

“Oh... Ohhhh... Oh m-myyyy... CELESTIAAAAA!” She shrieked as she fell onto the floor. The screwdriver kept buzzing, and over and over again Trixie squealed in delight.

“AAHHHH! EEEEYAHAHHH! OH SETH YESSSS!”

The Doctor got back up onto his hooves, wincing a bit as he stretched. “Ooh... Ow... That left a mark,” he mumbled.

“So, that was your plan?” Twilight asked as she trotted up next to him. “Drop in on me, get me the screwdriver and...?”

“‘Sonic’ her until she passed out?” The Doctor asked, grinning as Trixie squealed in delight. “Yes... I had to get away from the Master somehow.”

“So you jumped down a forty foot tall drop,” Twilight said calmly. The Doctor smiled.

“Eeyup.”

Twilight took a few deep breaths, and pressed her face against his as Trixie shrieked bloody murder, pounding her hooves on the marble.

“That’s so stupid, it’s brilliant,” she hissed into his ear. The Doctor blushed heavily and cleared his throat as he adjusted his tie.

“Ah... Well... Yes, yes it is. It’s more of my usual, actually...”

“I really, really hope something interrupts us before I jump you now,” Twilight admitted softly, chewing on his ear. He trembled.

“Ah... Y-You don’t seem like you do...”

“Oh, if only you knew, Doctor, just what it is I have planned,” Twilight purred.

“DOCTOR!” A flash of laser energy struck the floor, and the two ponies dashed behind the head of Orbash for cover, leaping over the twitching, squealing Trixie.

The Master scowled at them down from the catwalk, and fired several more shots. Both ponies hunkered down, as heat flashed above and around them.

“Unfortunately we still have that problem,” the Doctor admitted. He took hold of the screwdriver from Twilight and buzzed it at the Master. Twilight gasped.

“Does that setting work on him?”

“No, his own screwdriver repels my sonic,” the Doctor grimaced. “Besides, I think it’d send the wrong message-”

“I AM NOT GAY!” The Master bellowed. “WHEN I KILL YOU, DOCTOR, I WILL TAKE THAT BLUE STRUMPET AND MOUNT HER UNTIL SHE CAN NO LONGER WALK NOR REMEMBER HER IRRITATING NAME!”

“H-Hooray...!” Trixie weakly gasped.

“SHUT UP YOU PIECE OF TRASH!” The Master screamed. He fired his laser at her, though to the relief of the Doctor and Twilight it seemed to just stun her.

“Yes Masterrr...!” Trixie moaned as she passed out.

“What about magic? Would that get through?” Twilight asked.

“Possibly,” the Doctor allowed. “But he might have a spare.”

“Do you?” Twilight asked. The Doctor grinned.

“Of course I do! But two of them aren’t going to make much difference-”

A laser flash went off right above their heads, and they saw that the Master had made it down the stairs to ground level and was firing at them. They vaulted over the head of Orbash again, heat flashing through the air above them.

“I could shoot marble at his head-”

“Yeah, but you might kill him,” the Doctor said. Twilight frowned.

“Good point... Doctor!” Her eyes widened in realization. The Doctor grinned.

“Yes?”

“You said ninety percent of the energy of the laser is in the form of heat, correct?” She asked shrewdly.

“Exactly,” the Doctor said with a nod.

“Which means...”

“Which means, your pretty little head will go up like an oil soaked barn,” the Master hissed, holding the screwdriver up to Twilight’s head. The unicorn’s eyes widened as the Master grinned.

“Sneaky as always, Master,” the Doctor said.

“You’re both distracted by your own animalistic urges,” the Master sniffed. “You are all animal now. You're so weak, your will devoured!”

“So... Maybe you can just let us go, so I can meet you in battle when I’m better prepared?” The Doctor asked. The Master smirked.

“I don’t think so,” he hissed. The Doctor sighed.

“All right... Then take me instead,” he replied calmly. He got up. The Master scowled.

“Take you?”

“I’m the one you want, right?” The Doctor asked, holding his hooves up. “All our games, all our battles... It’s about you and me, nopony else.”

“You’re quite right, Doctor,” the Master replied, taking hold of Twilight’s hair and yanking on it.

“Ow!” Twilight winced as she was pulled away. “Ow! Let me go!” She struggled, her bangs getting mussed as they covered her horn. The Master savagely yanked on it again.

“Shut it!” He kept the laser on her, and his eyes on the Doctor. He grinned. “You really think I’ll settle for just you as my prisoner, Doctor? Where have you been in all our confrontations?” He smirked and prodded Twilight’s head with his weapon. “I could not destroy you. You complete me. A cosmos without the Doctor scarcely bears thinking about.”

“Oh come on, this is why people are always talking about us!” The Doctor huffed. The Master sneered.

“Oh no! You can’t try distracting me with that bunk again!”

“Nngh! I don’t think it’s bunk so much as reality, and your denial isn’t help-AH!” Twilight yelped as the Master yanked harder on her hair. He smirked at her, and then at the Doctor.

“Pathetic... As in all our other confrontations, you would sacrifice everything, everything, for a mare,” he hissed. “Fight to the end of the universe, face the Daleks, you make me sick.”

“Then do it! Just do it! You want to hurt him, you want to twist him! Kill me and there’s nobody between you two anymore!” Twilight gasped. The Doctor’s eyes widened.

“Twilight, no!”

“Kill me, go ahead! I’m the only thing standing in your way!” Twilight goaded. “You pathetic... Um... Occupier of a closet!”

The Master snarled. “You’re the pathetic one!” He tossed her away, leaving her sprawled on the floor. “But if you insist...”

He lowered the laser screwdriver and pointed it at her heart as her head was was still bowed.

“No! MASTER NO!” The Doctor yelled as the Master fired.

ZZZZ-BANG!

“AH! AAAHHH!” The Master screamed, holding his badly burnt mouth as the laser screwdriver fell from his teeth to the floor. He turned to his left, just in time for the Doctor’s back hooves to fill his vision.

The force of the blow sent him down, moaning on the marble floor. The Doctor panted for breath, and trotted over to the shaking Twilight. He pressed the side of his head to hers, and helped her up.

“Steady, steady,” he murmured. She trembled a bit, but lifted her head to reveal a face free of fear. “You all right?” He asked.

Twilight smiled. “Y-Yeah,” she said, with a nervous laugh. “I’m all right...”

“What did you...?” He picked up the laser screwdriver, his keen eyes analyzing the burnt weapon. Twilight smiled and spoke.

“I thought about what you said. That most of a laser’s output energy is heat. That means the device would need some kind of radiator system. I used a little magic to identify it while he was firing at us...”

“And when he was close enough, you sabotaged it,” the Doctor finished with a grin, tucking the laser screwdriver into his pocket. Twilight smiled impishly.

“Always have to have the last word,” she teased. The Doctor grinned and shrugged.

“Well, I have a lot of practice with it,” he admitted with a grin. She stole a kiss, and turned to the whimpering Master.

“What do we do with him?” Twilight asked. The Doctor frowned, and looked over at Trixie. The blue unicorn was waking up slowly, moaning softly. The brown stallion grinned.

“I’ve got an idea,” he said. Twilight hummed.

“Is it an incredibly cruel idea?” She asked. The Doctor smirked.

“Do you have to ask?”

“I guess not,” Twilight returned cheerfully.

There was a rumble, and a surge of magical power that seemed to shake the foundations of the room. The Doctor looked around, frowning, as Twilight’s eyes widened in horror.

“That sort of sound is almost never a good one,” he mumbled.

“It isn’t,” Twilight gulped.

“Then what is it?” He asked. Twilight galloped up the stairs to the catwalk above, the Doctor following. They exited the dome and looked out upon the vastness of Canterlot. From a tower to the north, a great blue and purple comet erupted and made in the direction of the Vault of the Elements. Twilight and the Doctor looked at each other.

“Run?” He asked.

“Teleport,” she countered.

“Much better,” the Doctor said. “But first...”

When they reached the downstairs area again, they saw that the Master was still whimpering on the floor. A healing spell was applied to him, and the Master proceeded to use his restored mouth to bawl them out as he was tied up.

“You haven’t won! Not yet! You can’t hold me, I’ll find a way to get you both back! Your biggest mistake is your kindness, Doctor! You both are too nice, and it will lead you to your ruin!”

“I don’t think so,” the Doctor said. He smiled quite wickedly. “Indeed, while I may be on the side of the angels... I’m not very nice.”

“And neither am I,” Twilight added. Her horn lit up, and Trixie reawakened. She looked around blearily, but soon locked onto the Master. She grinned.

“Finally...!”

The blonde stallion’s eyes widened.

“Masterrrr,” Trixie moaned, getting up and stalking towards him like a lion in for the kill.

“No... No, you-You can’t, you can’t... Not again! Not like this!”

“Fare thee well, Master! And please, invite me to the wedding,” the Doctor said with a grin. “Allon'sy!”

“NOOOOO-!”

He and Twilight teleported away.

- - - - - - - - -

Pinkie Pie whooped and hollered as she rode Braeburn, her hips gyrating in time to the movement of his powerful legs. “Woohoo!” she yelled, panting, “Harder! Faster! Harder!”

“Not that I’m complainin’ now,” Braeburn said as he galloped around the room, Pinkie perched on his back, “but ain’t this supposed to be a fight?”

“Yeah!” said Nightshade, who was flying alongside them, “One minute she’s hanging on to me and then the next she’s riding you and- AAAAAAHGETITOFFGETITOFF!!!”

Braeburn skidded to a halt, whirling around in confusion as Nightshade veered away, his marefriend clinging tenaciously to her face. He glanced back at his own back again to confirm that Pinkie had indeed transferred from himself to the pegasus, and then looked back over to the two mares as Nightshade carried both of them through yet another window. His ears laid back over his skull in consternation.

“... ah am gonna need some hard cider after this,” Braeburn muttered. “Hate to leave all the fightin’ to my lady, but if ah can’t fly or teleport or whatever what am ah supposed to do? Wish there were some pies around here.”

Another window shattered, and this time Pinkie Pie came tumbling through it alone. She landed in a roll and jumped back upright none the worse for wear, even though she had to pause briefly and shake broken glass out of her fur. Grinning, she hopped over to Braeburn with her tail held high and a swatch from Nightshade’s uniform between her teeth.

“I got her!” Pinkie squealed. Braeburn couldn’t help matching her wide smile with one of his own.

“Ya sure did Sugar Pie, good job.”

Pinkie’s smile settled a little, and her eyes closed halfway, turning smoky. Braeburn again copied her expression as he leaned in towards her. The space between them diminished rapidly. Their muzzles touched. Their lips met. Pinkie’s tail and left hind leg started twitching.

“Gasp! Braeburn, duck!”

He paused in their kiss and furrowed his brow. “Ducks? Aw Sugar Pie, we ain’t even anywhere near a pond.”

Showing remarkable forethought, Nightshade came through one of the windows that was already broken this time. Slamming into Braeburn and knocking the wind out of him while knocking him off his hooves, the Shadowbolt took off into the air with him. Her mane grazed the ceiling as she flapped her wings madly, cackling with evil delight.

“Yes!” she shouted, “and now you’re all mine, sweet thing! Let’s lose these crazy ponies and have hot mid-air nookie!”

“You know, I’m really flattered,” said the pony Nightshade was carrying, “but I’m kind of in a relationship right now? I’d have to ask if he’s into that.”

Nightshade screeched to a halt in mid-air and craned her neck around to see Pinkie Pie slung over her back and waving.

“...how did you do that!?”

“Do what?”

Braeburn leaped into the air and seized Nightshade’s tail in his teeth. The pegasus made a “Bwah!” sound and dropped, all three ponies falling to the ground in a sweaty, bedraggled heap. Nightshade crawled out from under Pinkie Pie and struggled to her feet, panting heavily.

“You are so insane it makes the world around you insane too!” she wailed, jumping into the air. Shooting around the room in a board arc, she turned around and launched herself at the pink earth pony, laughing hysterically.

“... I think I broke her,” Pinkie commented as she stood up. “What are we going to do Braeburn? I don’t know how to fight a pony that’s as crazy as I am!”

“Hard for me to keep up with a pony that fast,” Braeburn panted, “if’n ah had a pie to throw she’d be pegged for sure.”

Pinkie’s face lit up.

“AH KEEL YEEEEEWWWW!!!” screamed Nightshade as she sailed towards them, still giggling like a madpony.

“Braeburn!” yelled Pinkie Pie as she hopped into the air, “Fast pie special!”

Braeburn understood instantly. Whirling around, he kicked up his back legs just as Pinkie fell towards him, their back hooves making brief contact. Grunting, the frontierspony bucked as hard as he could.

A strong set of legs were the Apple family’s pride and joy. Pinkie Pie shot forward like a fuzzy pink bullet, grinning madly. Nightshade’s own maniacal smile faded as they rocketed towards each other. Deciding that discretion was the better part of valor, the Shadowbolt spread her wings and braked hard. Just in time for Pinkie to clothesline her out of the air.

Braeburn turned around and rushed in the direction he’d sent his marefriend. She met him coming the other way a second later, hopping towards him and grinning hugely with her tail held high and Nightshade’s unconscious form slung over her back.

“I got her!” Pinkie squealed. Braeburn smiled.

- - - - - - - -

“Con. Found. This. Door!” Rarity snarled as she continued to thrust her glowing horn rhythmically into the vault’s lock. “Open, curse you! Open! Your resistance only makes my horn harder!”

“Uh, Rarity?” said Spike, wiping drool off his chin, “You’ve been... doing... that... for a while. Maybe we should try something else?”

“I will not be defeated by a door, no matter how tastefully decorated!” Rarity asserted. She did stop and pull out, though, panting a little as she glared up at the lock she’d been violating. It didn’t seem to have been affected.

“I’m doing something wrong,” mused the fashionista. “Also this is starting to chafe. Spike, could you be a dear and find me some lube?”

The baby dragon fainted.

“Oh dear,” said Fluttershy as she floated over, Big Macintosh following along. “It still won’t open?”

“It won’t budge!” Rarity admitted with a sigh, “and I’ve been thrusting into it until I’m raw.”

Big Mac’s eye twitched.

“Maybe you’re not supposed to move after all?” asked Applejack as Soarin’ walked over to the group. The others stared at her. With a sigh, the farm pony hopped off of Soarin’s back.

“I mean,” she elaborated, “when Celestia opened the door, she just stuck her horn in and she did her magic thing and it popped open! Maybe you just don’t have enough mojo?”

“But Twilight couldn’t open it either!” said Fluttershy, “and she’s the most powerful unicorn we know!”

“It’s not all about power,” Rarity muttered, “just because I don’t have as much magic as Twilight doesn’t mean I can’t do just as much with it.”

“Is there a way for you two to both put your horns in there?” asked Soarin’. “Could you double team it?”

“Hey,” said Pinkie Pie as she trotted over, “does anypony else hear that?”

“Y’all are goin’ about this all wrong,” commented Braeburn as he arrived with Pinkie, “of course the door’s gonna be the strongest part of the vault, that’s the whole point. Ya need to go after the walls.”

“Hear what?” asked Applejack.

“The spell goes all the way around,” Rarity explained to Braeburn, “the only point where it’s supposed to open is that lock, that’s where we have to focus on.”

“It’s kind of like a screaming sound,” said Pinkie, her ears twitching rapidly, “I think somepony is yelling really loud...”

“I’m going to join them in a moment!” said Rarity, pounding her hoof on the door.

“Can we get the princess?” asked Big Mac, “ah figgered she’d have planned for this, but maybe it really does have to be her.”

“You know, now that you mention it, I do hear something,” said Soarin’.

“The Princess is kind of busy isn’t she?” said Fluttershy, “she’s trying to hold off... all those... no, I can do this. She’s holding off all those stallions. There! I did it!”

“Eep!” said Braeburn.

“Oh my goodness I’m so sorry!”

A blinding flash of violet light appeared behind them. The magic faded as quickly as it came, depositing a very sweaty Twilight Sparkle and a limping Doctor into the room. The unicorn’s eyes were wide with panic.

“Guys!” screamed Twilight breathlessly. “Guys! We’ve got a problem!”

“Ah’ll say we do,” said Applejack, “mah ears are ringin’ and this dang door still ain’t open!”

“No, new problem!” said the Doctor, “bigger problem!”

“If we don’t get this door open I’m going to start making hot nasty pony love to Big Macintosh right here in front of all of you,” panted Rarity, “what could possibly be any worse than that!?”

“Eeeew!” moaned Applejack.

Then the ceiling exploded.

“FORSOOTH, MY BELOVED SERVANTS AND SUBJECTS!” Princess Luna cried as she descended from on high. “YOU WILL ALL BE MINE! FROM THIS NIGHT, TO THE END OF TIME!” She grinned lecherously.

“LET THE FORNICATION BEGIN!”

- - - - - - - -

To be concluded...