Beating the Heat

or

Friendship is Kinky

A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction

By Andrew J. Talon

DISCLAIMER:This is a non-profit fan-made work of prose. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is the property of Hasbro. Please support the official release.

Author's Note: I... REGRET... NOTHING!

And once again I must thank my excellent co-writer Friendly Uncle for his continuing contributions to this fic. Go read his stuff!

In addition, I would like to thank LuckyStampede for his contributions to this fic in the arena of brainstorming. He was a lot of help.

- - - - - - -

The Doctor and Twilight trotted through the last leg of hallway, which opened up into a large, round room. Around them were Doric columns, holding up a great glass dome that the sun shone through brightly. Behind the columns ran a circular gallery, displaying several stained glass windows depicting various scenes from history. The sun shone gently through each and every one, casting a symphony of colors across the marble floor in between deep shadows.

“Wow... It’s beautiful,” Twilight murmured. She pressed her face against the Doctor’s neck and nuzzled it. “So full of wonder and beauty...”

“Twilight,” the Doctor said warningly. Twilight pouted.

“All right, all right...” She lit up her horn with magical energy. “You take one half, I’ll take the other?” and scanned the wide room. The Doctor drew his sonic screwdriver and made a sweep of his own, eyes widening as the tool began to make louder and louder beeps.

“Well, we’ve certainly found something!” he said, grinning excitedly, “I’m picking up an enormous thaumic disturbance! Definitely the Elements from the way it’s pulsing. I just have to get a closer fix on it...”

The Doctor began to trot forward, following the increasingly loud beeps.

“Goodness, I’ve never seen a reading like this before, it’s going off the scale!”

Eyes glued to the screwdriver, he broke into a run. Directly into Twilight’s rump.

“Bwah!?”

“Mmph!”

The Doctor quickly jumped back onto his hooves and took a few steps away from the red-faced unicorn, smiling as apologetically as he was able.

“Oh, well, looks like I was ah, detecting you there Twilight. So sorry.” He glanced around. “...where’s my screwdriver?”

Her face practically glowing crimson, Twilight wordlessly raised her tail, and then levitated the instrument over to the Doctor. He simply stared at it for a long moment, and then very carefully took it between his front hooves and then slipped it into his pocket.

“Not going to keep scanning?” asked Twilight, forcing a smile.

“... well...” the Doctor fidgeted, “I’d have to... hold it in my mouth...”

The purple unicorn’s left eye twitched dangerously, and then she turned away from the Doctor towards the opposite end of the room.

“It doesn’t matter!” she said, “I was going to tell you before you... did that... you shouldn’t be able to detect the elements anyway, the vault they’re kept in is magically shielded to make them harder to detect.”

“Then what are we scanning for?” The Doctor raised an eyebrow, somewhat flummoxed and not liking it.

“The vault,” said Twilight wearily.

“Oh. Well why didn’t you say so in the first place? That’s right over there.”

Twilight sighed and rolled her eyes as she turned around. “No, no, it’s got to be behind some kind of disguise spell, and probably a couple of barriers too, and it would be disguised, so we have to... look for... a huge door... with a horn-shaped... lock...” She trailed off as she stared in the direction that her companion’s hoof was pointing, where there did in fact appear to be an enormous vault door.

“Like that one?” the Doctor said with only the faintest trace of smugness.

Twilight’s pupils dilated. “I can’t decide if I’m going to rut you or murder you,” she hissed, “we’ll find out together.”

“Twilight!”

Whatever may have happened next never happened because Spike chose that precise moment to come barreling into the room and tackle the unicorn to the floor, hugging her with all of his tiny draconic might. Twilight cried out in surprise, and then glee as she returned the embrace.

“Spike! You’re okay!”

“So are you! Oh my gosh, I was so worried!”

“Oh me too, I’m so glad you’re alright!”

“I’m glad you’re alright too! I’m also choking!”

“... Sorry.”

The Doctor smiled warmly at the display, and then turned to nod to Rarity. She returned the gesture as she walked over, a tired smile on her face.

“Ah, Doctor, you’re looking well.”

“Why thank you Rarity, you’re as ravishing as ever.”

“Oh, stop,” she giggled.

“No no,” said the Doctor with a shake of his head, “I mean it, you’re-”

“No really, stop,” said Rarity, fidgeting, “I’m holding myself back as hard as I can and then you go and compliment me, it’s really not making it any easier. I wouldn’t want to fight Twilight over you.”

She smiled at him, but the way her lips drew back put the Doctor in mind of some kind of predatory animal, and the way her eyes traveled over his flank tickled something in his hindbrain that started screaming for him to run while he still had legs to do it with. He returned the smile as politely as he could and took a few steps away from her. Twilight chose that particular moment to rise back onto her hooves, Spike sitting on her back and a glassy look in her eyes.

“So I guess we found it!” she said, gesturing to the vault door. “Now we just have to figure out how to get inside!”

“Don’t we need the others for that dear?” asked Rarity, trotting over to the door and running a hoof over it.

“Well we’re halfway there,” drawled Applejack as she walked into the room. On her back, Soarin’ twisted around until he could see the others and approximated a wave in their general direction.

“Hey everypony!” he said, “What’s going on?”

“We appear to be rapidly approaching some manner of conclusion to the day’s events!” the Doctor cheerfully stated. “We have located the elements.” He gestured to the door. “We have several of their holders.” Here he motioned towards Twilight and Rarity. “And judging by your appearance we can presume that the Princess was correct in saying all roads eventually lead here, so while we wait for the others to arrive we need only to get the elements out of this vault so that the bearers can vent their excess heat, and then we can all go home.”

“Oh thank all that’s good and horsey it’s almost over,” said Applejack, sliding off her legs and onto the floor with a sigh and a bump. “Ah am just about ready to chew nails off a fence and it would be just dandy if ah could take mah mind off doin’ it for two seconds at last.”

“Mph,” opined Soarin’, who had landed on his head.

“...not that plan B was lookin’ all that bad,” Applejack muttered, turning a slightly deeper shade of orange.

“I just want somepony to untie me.”

“Plenty of time for that sort of thing later!” said Rarity as cheerfully as she could manage with her back hooves tapping a steady rhythm on the floor. “For the moment, Twilight, let’s get this vault open.”

“Right!” said Twilight, rubbing her hooves together, “I’ll just open up this vault door, which is enchanted to never open at all, ever, unless Princess Celestia herself puts her horn in the lock.”

There was a brief pause for comedic effect.

“Wait, what?” said the Doctor.

“We can’t open the vault?” asked Spike, eyes wide in mounting terror, “why didn’t you tell us we couldn’t open the vault!?”

“Oh you guys,” Twilight giggled, “so quick to panic! I just said the door wasn’t supposed to open unless the princess opened it herself. I never said we couldn’t open it.”

“All well and good then,” said Applejack, waving her hoof at Twilight from the floor, “get at it!”

“Right!”

Twilight licked her lips as she approached the vault door, eyes narrowed as she examined it. She rubbed her hooves together, cracked her neck, and hopped up onto her hind legs, looking into the hole in the center of the door’s lock.

“Everypony relax,” she said slowly, “I think I’ve got this.”

With a great air of finality, she slipped her horn into the hole.

“...okay, that’s it.” Applejack stood up. “Soarin’, do your duty.”

“Can you untie me fir-”

“I said I’ve got this!” yelled Twilight, frowning. She twisted her neck a little, moving her horn in the lock. It remained quiet.

“Hmmmm...” said Rarity, “Maybe you should... move it... in and out...”

“Like this?” asked Twilight, thrusting her horn in and out of the lock.

“Oooohhhh yeessss...”

Spike trembled and slapped his hands over his ears. Rarity gave him an apologetic look.

“I don’t think that’s going to help,” the purple unicorn sighed, “Princess Celestia didn’t really move her horn at all, she just kind of...”

Twilight closed her eyes and concentrated. A dim magical glow surrounded the base of her horn, and after a moment, a number of clicking noises came from the door. Then everything went quiet again. Twilight sighed and rapped on the door with her hoof. The vault remained stubbornly closed.

“Alright!” she announced, removing her horn and falling back onto all four hooves, “new plan! We hit it really hard until it breaks.”

“Oh my goodness oh my goodness oh my goodness...!”

A frantically whispering Fluttershy, all four legs bound together underneath her, butter-colored wings fluttering like a hummingbird’s, sailed across the room and impacted with the vault door. She didn’t actually hit the door so much as her body seemed to smoosh against it and then slide to the ground in a trembling ball of feathers and fluff. The other ponies in the room exchanged expressions of total shock.

“I think we need to hit it a little harder than that,” said the Doctor.

“Oh dear!” Fluttershy tumbled upright and buzzed over to a thoroughly flabbergasted Applejack, sweat pouring down the sides of her face and slicking back her mane. “Applejack! Oh my, you have to help me! Please! I mean that’s if you don’t mind that is...”

“Well sure sugarcube!” said Applejack, putting a comforting arm over the yellow pony’s shoulders, “what’s wrong?”

“I need you to buck me in the head until I’m unconscious,” said Fluttershy.

Applejack practically jumped away from her, eyes wide. “What!? No! No ah ain’t gonna do that! Why in the hay would I do that!?”

“Because your brother’s right behind me,” Fluttershy whimpered, “and I can’t stop trying to seduce him!”

“Ah said it’s fine,” Big Macintosh said wearily as he stepped into the room, “ah ain’t seduced yet.”

“Oh?” Fluttershy’s voice dropped a few octaves, “because I can try harder...”

Spike quickly leaped onto Fluttershy’s back and threw a gag around her muzzle. Rarity hip-checked the pegasus onto the ground and telekinetically tied her wings together. “There!” she said as Fluttershy squealed wordlessly at her from the floor, “that’s about enough of that! Now how about that door?”

“Y’all get clear of it,” said Applejack, pawing the floor, “ah wanna buck somethin’, now’s a good a time as any.”

“Ummm, no offense Applejack,” said Twilight, “but maybe Big Mac should take a crack at it?”

“Eeeenope,” said Big Mac.

In answer, Applejack snorted, and then thundered across the room towards the door, her hooves striking sparks on the tiles as she galloped. At the last possible second the earth pony stopped, whipping her body around and thrusting backwards with her hindquarters. Bucky McGilicutty and Kicks Mcgee struck the vault door with a deafening crack. The floor trembled. Fluttershy made a bleating noise and fainted.

Applejack slowly put her hooves back on the floor. “Ow,” she managed after a moment, shaking her legs and wincing as the joints crackled.

“Well, operation ‘Use Applejack’s Pent-up Tormented Arousal as Fuel to Buck the Doors Off Their Hinges’ is a bust,” said Twilight, “Doctor?”

“...I do have to hold it in my-”

Twilight snarled.

“Yes dear.”

The Doctor pulled out his sonic screwdriver and aimed it at the door. Nothing happened.

“Are you sure it’s on?” asked Spike.

“I do hesitate to point this out,” the Doctor mumbled around the screwdriver, “but if they’re going to make the palace’s mundane doors sonic proof, as we observed earlier, then it only makes sense that the magically closed one would be as well.”

“Nerts!” muttered Twilight, “okay, new plan! Everypony stand back.”

Everypony did, the Doctor muttering something about grapes as he joined them. Twilight poked her tongue out of her mouth as her horn began to glow. The soft light quickly grew brighter and sparks began pulsing off the magical organ as the vault was shrouded in violet light.

“Twilight,” said Rarity, “I don’t mean to point out the obvious, but that door was enchanted by Princess Celestia, was it not? You’re quite formidable yourself, but how are you proposing to break through a barrier conjured by the Goddess of the sun?”

“Oh, I’m not trying to break through the door with magic!” Twilight called back, “I’m just trying to contain the explosion!”

“... uh, what explosion?” Asked Soarin’ very quietly.

“The one I’m about to set off by fusing these hydrogen atoms together!” Twilight answered cheerfully.

The Doctor’s jaw hit the floor.

“What,” said Applejack.

- - - - - - -

“Did you hear something?” asked Luscombe, ears flicking as he glanced around in surprise.

“No!” moaned Celestia.

“... must have been my imagination then!” Luscome said cheerfully, going back to what he’d been doing.

- - - - - - -

“Well!” said Twilight, grinning, “I feel a little better! How is everypony? No body parts missing?”

“Just my sanity,” said Spike very quietly.

“Wha...” For perhaps the first time in her life, Rarity found it almost impossible to form words. “What just happened?”

“Thermonuclear reaction,” said the Doctor, still staring straight ahead. “Released about 0.04 terajoules." A small, crazed grin came to his face. "Very impressive.”

“I hope the princess doesn’t mind about the windows,” said Soarin’ grimacing at the enormous cracks in the stained glass.

“Ah imagine she’ll understand it was a matter of urgency,” said Applejack.

“Too bad it didn’t work,” added Big Mac.

“Mph,” said Fluttershy.

The door seemed a bit more brightly polished than it had a few moments ago, but aside from this and a few cracks in the nearby flooring it appeared to be entirely unscathed. Twilight scowled and trotted over to the door, tapping it experimentally with her hoof. It didn’t budge.

“We’re doomed,” she sighed.

“Oh, more than you can imagine,” gloated a familiar voice. All eyes turned to the doorway. The Master, his coiffed hair in disarray and a crazed smile on his face, stood next to a blank-looking Trixie. The Doctor sighed.

“Who-?” Spike began, but he was swiftly interrupted by Twilight.

“The Master. The Doctor’s arch enemy, old friend, ex-coltfriend-”

“I AM NOT HIS EX!” The Master bellowed furiously.

“Mm, Trixie really like,” the blue unicorn moaned next to him. The Master twitched.

“Point is, you want the Elements of Harmony, do you not?” The Master asked. Applejack frowned.

“How in tarnation did you figure that-”

“Oh please,” he snorted. “All six of the Elements of Harmony together, frantically trying to get to a room with a vault? You’d have to be as utterly oblivious as Trixie here to miss that!”

“Oh yes, berate me more,” Trixie moaned happily, trembling. The Master grimaced. The Doctor sighed.

“The old hypnosis gag, hm?” The Time Pony looked over at Twilight and stage whispered to her behind a raised hoof, “He was always trying to use that sort of thing for dates. Very embarrassing-”

“SILENCE!” The Master bellowed. “I will have the Elements of Harmony for myself!”

“But you can’t use them without us!” Twilight protested.

“Bah! I’ll find a way around that,” the Master scoffed.

“Yeah, but what are you going to do about the fact you’re outnumbered?” Spike asked with a smirk.

“Eeyup,” Big Macintosh put forth his two cents, meaningfully padding at the carpet with one hoof.

“Trixie? You worthless piece of trash, put them in their places!” The Master commanded. The blue unicorn trembled, moaned... And a wave of power left her horn, throwing everypony off their hooves and into the walls.

“OOF!”

“AH!”

“OH MY!”

Spike poked his head out of the pile of ponies and groaned.

“G-Good answer... Ow...”

“Everypony,” Twilight managed, pulling herself away from the pile, “work on getting that thing open! The Doctor and I will handle them!”

“Eeyup!” said Big Macintosh, charging the vault door. Applejack limped after him, while Spike rushed over and started looking for hinges that he could try to melt. Fluttershy and Soarin’ lay on the floor in a heap of fur, feathers, and rope, wondering what decisions they’d made that had caused their lives to reach this point.

Applejack was kind enough to drag them by the vault itself for cover.

“I’ve got an idea!” yelled Rarity. Rushing over to the vault, she jumped onto Big Mac’s back and began thrusting her horn repeatedly into the lock. Twilight watched her for a moment before turning back to the Master and Trixie with a weary sigh.

“I’m not ‘handling’ him,” said the Doctor nervously, “he’s clingy enough as it is.”

“I’M NOT CLINGY!”

“Yeah, yeah, nopony’s listening to you,” said Twilight with a sigh. “How’d you get Trixie off of you, anyway? When we left she was trying to swallow your tonsils.”

“I merely asserted my superior will over the drooling idiot,” replied the Master, “it was no great feat, as inferior as her intellect is.”

Trixie made an inarticulate groaning noise. Her mouth was hanging open and a thin string of drool was in fact running out of it and down to the floor. The Master gaped at her with undisguised disgust and took a few steps away.

“He probably just put her over an instrument panel until she was reasonably coherent again,” commented the Doctor.

“I don’t know,” mused Twilight, “as much as I’m sure he wanted to, that doesn’t seem like the most expedient option.”

“For him? Very expedient.”

“Oh, dis!”

The Master seemed to stare into space for a long moment, as if he were looking very hard at nothing in particular. Compared to his previous rants his expression was now almost unnaturally calm. His left eye twitched ever so slightly. Trixie noticed that he’d stopped insulting her and poked him very gently in the side with her horn.

“I don’t have to take this any more,” the Master announced rather abruptly. “Trixie, you’re a worthless tart who’ll never amount to anything, now go kill Twilight Sparkle.”

“Ah...! Yes daddy!”

Twilight let out a yelp of surprise as she was hurled across the room by Trixie’s telekinesis. The drooling unicorn practically skipped after her. Then the Master pulled out a tubular device much like the Doctor’s and pointed it at him. There was a loud buzz and the front end lit up like the Doctor’s sonic screwdriver. Rather than a blue light, however, this device produced a red one.

TSEW!

“Ah!” The Doctor cried, jumping as a part of the carpet ignited. “Laser!”

“Yes Doctor, a laser screwdriver,” the Master laughed, firing his weapon repeatedly. The Doctor took cover behind a pillar, as the rest of their group moved behind the vault. “Who’d have sonic?”

“So your big secret weapon is ripping me off,” the Doctor taunted. “Mate, have you considered a hobby? I mean, aside from trying to kill me and conquer the universe? Or maybe a marefriend-?”

“I am NOT ripping you off! It's a laser!” The Master growled, firing repeatedly into the sides of the pillar. He galloped around to a pillar three away from the Doctor, and pointed it around his own cover. The laser beam shot through the air, invisible but hot as fire, and the Doctor narrowly dodged it to get to another pillar.

“What happened to that marvelous weapon of yours?” The Doctor asked, poking his head out. “Compressed things, made people die by turning them into dolls? Remember that? It was so original!”

“It's not important-” The Master tried, but the Doctor was on a roll.

“Ooh, I've got a laser! Great for making cats run around! Look at me, I'm the Master! I've got a laser screwdriver and I'm not just compensating because I can’t satisfy mares with my itty bitty little-!”

“THAT’S IT DOCTOR, YOU’RE GOING DOWN!” The Master roared, chasing the brown stallion around the gallery. The Doctor grinned cheekily back.

“Poor choice of words-!”

“DIIIIE!”

- - - - - - -

Twilight groaned as she pushed herself upright, shaking her head to clear it. Just as she’d managed to get her bearings back a silvery blue glow appeared around her tail, yanking it upwards. Twilight stared at the errant magic for a split second, and then made a show of rolling her eyes in exasperation.

“Oh, that’s real mature,” she began. The magic didn’t give her any time to finish before it pulled up harder, yanking Twilight off her feet and leaving her suspended in mid-air. “Gyah!”

“Oh this is wonderful Twilight Sparkle,” moaned Trixie as she hopped over to the floating unicorn, her face flushed and her tongue lolling out. “Your power feels so good! Trixie wants more.”

“I’m glad I can help you feel better about yourself,” grumbled Twilight, flailing all four of her little hooves in an attempt to dislodge the spell. “But you can’t take any more of my magic, you broke your master’s machine when you jumped him, remember?”

“Oh, Trixie remembers,” said the blue unicorn huskily. Her eyes glazed over as she started to go into a flashback sequence, but then she shook her head and focused her half-lidded gaze on Twilight. “But that’s fine! Trixie is sure there are other ways to get your power! And then the Great and Powerful Trixie will be completely unstoppable, and then Master will have to make rough love to Trixie and call her a dirty pony...”

“Great! Just great, can this day get any worse?” Twilight asked.

“GERONIMO!”

The answer she received came from above, in the form of a blue, red, yellow and purple blur that divebombed Trixie. The blue unicorn cast a bubble shield spell, and the blur abruptly became Rainbow Dash as she bounced off the barrier.

“Rainbow Dash!” Twilight cried.

“Don’t forget us!” Pinkie Pie cried, as she and Braeburn galloped into the room. Her grin was cut short as the Master unleashed several laser blasts in their direction, making them seek cover behind the convenient pillars. “Eep!”

“Sorry we’re late! I got a little preoccupied!” Rainbow Dash admitted with a cheerful grin.

“And it totally wasn’t because we had a threesome with Braeburn! EEP!” Pinkie ducked another shot from the Master. Twilight jumped out of the way of a force blast from Trixie, and returned one of her own that the blue unicorn absorbed. Dash tried attacking from above again, only to meet the magical barrier once more. She flew around the top of the dome at high speed, picking up momentum, before diving once again.

“Grab her you pathetic slag!” The Master shouted as he swung his laser screwdriver around, forcing Twilight to duck and their other friends to take cover. Trixie grinned and glowed, before she vanished in a burst of light. Dash gasped just before she slammed into the floor and bounced off, slamming into a stain glass window.

“OOF!” Dash cried. Twilight gasped and looked around.

“Where did she go-I-GAH!” Twilight was blasted into the far wall, slamming against it and slipping down to the floor. “Ooh...”

“You always seemed the type to take it hard from behind~,” Trixie purred.

“Hahaha!”

“PINKIE!” Twilight growled.

“What? That was funny!” The pink pony said defensively.

“Trixie! You pitiful slut, stop foaling around and finish her off!” The Master bellowed.

“Couldn’t I keep her as my sex pet that we take turns humiliating?” Trixie whined. “I mean, that’s what you want for the Doctor, isn’t it?”

“What?!” The Master bellowed. “No it isn’t-HEY!” He swung around to fire the laser screwdriver back at the Doctor, who had failed to sneak up on him. The brown stallion rolled out of the way and produced his own screwdriver. The Master snorted.

“I didn’t take you for a fool, Doctor, but I allow for myself to be WRONG!” He roared, pointing his weapon at the Doctor and firing. Steam erupted in front of him, obscuring the brown stallion.

“NO!” Twilight cried, her eyes flashing with magical energy. “DOC... tor?”

Twilight’s cry turned into a question, as the steam cleared. The Doctor shook out his mane and huffed, as the Master gaped.

“I... What? You... The steam-”

“Right. I used the sonic screwdriver to agitate the water vapor in the air to form clouds and dissipate the energy of the laser into harmless steam,” the Doctor explained cheerfully. “Sorry, did I rob you of an explanation?”

“You... You...!” The Master growled. The Doctor grinned and smiled over at Twilight.

“See, ninety percent of a laser’s energy is heat-”

“So you just need a conduit for the heat to dissipate away from you!” Twilight completed, grinning. “Of course! I-GAH!” She was blasted off her hooves into another wall.

“PAY ATTENTION TO ME!” Trixie bellowed as she charged her purple nemesis.

The Master snarled and fired his laser again, and clouds of steam issued forth from around the Doctor. He fired again, and again, but all that happened was that the obscuring mist became more plentiful. He then felt claws wrap around his neck as a baby dragon-sized weight settled on his back.

“Squeal little piggy,” Spike growled into the time pony’s ear.

“Ah! Trixie, Trixie you worthless carnival freak, HELP!” The Master shouted. “I should have spanked you before-hoof! I knew you would fail me!”

Trixie’s pupils dilated. Her horn stood up straight and proud on her forehead, gleaming powerfully as her magical aura became engorged with energy. An ecstatic moan left the blue unicorn’s mouth as magic spurted out of the horn and formed a long, throbbing beam.

“Yes... Yes! YES! The power feels so good!” Trixie wailed as she lowered her head and swept the beam of magic around the room, knocking ponies off their hooves left and right. The Master shrieked as the turgid spell clocked him upside the head and sent him and Spike tumbling.

The Doctor peeked out from behind a pillar. He used his sonic screwdriver to scan everypony, friend and ally alike, before galloping over to the stunned Twilight. “You all right?”

Twilight slowly turned to look at the Doctor. Her teeth were clenched and her eyes had gone wide, her entire body starting to tremble. Livid purple sparks were falling from the tip of her horn, but she didn’t seem to actually be doing any magic with it.

“Uh... we have a problem...” Twilight panted. Her eyes started to glaze over and her next words came out as a throaty moan. “I think the connection is still active...!”

“Ah... Focus Twilight, focus!” The Doctor said quickly. “We’re nearly there...” He looked over at the vault, where Big Macintosh had recovered and was hard at work bucking at the hinges. “You just need to hold out for a little longer and-!”

“YOU,” Trixie snarled, magical energy radiating off her body. The Doctor slowly looked over his shoulder at the approaching Trixie.

“Oh hello,” The Doctor said quickly with a grin. “You really don’t want to do anything else to her, right? I mean you’ve already knocked your rival for a loop and shown her up, bravo! Good show, very good show!”

“Oh yes, the Great and Powerful Trixie always puts on a good show,” she purred, her tail lashing her flanks as she practically pranced over to them. “But now Trixie wants to put on a show with Twilight Sparkle. Trixie has just the cutest tack and saddle for her to wear, too! Trixie knows Twilight has just the most beautiful voice, so Trixie is going to make her sing, and moan, and scream Trixie’s name.”

The Doctor stared. He looked up at the dome, then back at Twilight. He shook his head furiously and sighed.

“I’m very sorry about this, Twilight,” he said solemnly. “I’m so sorry...” He turned to Trixie. Twilight blinked.

“What are you-?”

“Trixie! Please, spare Twilight such a... A horrible fate,” the Doctor said, pleading with his big brown eyes. “Take me in her place!”

Twilight’s eyes narrowed. “Don’t you dare,” she growled.

Trixie paused her advance, and seemed to consider it.

“Oh? What do you have to offer Trixie, mm?”

“No! Doctor, no!” Twilight hissed.

“I can do amazing things with my screwdriver-Twilight has said so herself,” the Doctor continued. He waggled his eyebrows and grinned. “It’s got five hundred settings for organics alone! It’s far, far better than the Master’s.” His grin gained a certain edge to it.

“You mean... That thing?” Trixie asked. “Or do you mean-?”

“Yes.”

The unicorn cocked an eyebrow. “Trixie... is intrigued,” she said slowly.

“No!” shouted Twilight, “no you’re not! That’s my screwdriver! The Doctor uses it on me, not on cheap two-bit filly floozies!”

Trixie twitched and shivered on her hooves. Her face twisted into an angry scowl. “Call me that again,” she snarled, breathing heavily, “call Trixie a floozy one more time you, you jumped up... no talent... soft-horned... virgin.”

Twilight’s eyes took on a harsh violet glow. The Doctor moved behind Twilight as she rose to her hooves via magic alone. Trixie’s eyes widened as the purple unicorn’s horn began pulsing with magic. The floor beneath them trembled and bits and pieces of debris began to rise into the air.

“I am not a virgin!” Twilight roared. Power erupted out of her like a fire hose, surging forward and slamming into Trixie’s body.

Spike, who had managed to recover his senses, ran over to the Doctor as Twilight and Trixie engaged in a terrifically furious magical duel.

“Strange she objects to the last one,” the Doctor said. Spike opened his mouth, a question on his lips... Then he thought better of it and asked another question.

“So your plan is for them to kill each other?” He asked dryly.

“That’s a terrible plan!” Pinkie Pie opined, as she emerged from a pillar. She giggled as she dashed back and forth between them, popping out from behind pillars that she hadn’t ducked behind before. The Doctor shook his head.

“Hardly! It’s just to keep our last obstacle occupied. I can trust Twilight not to use lethal force, and I don’t think Trixie is the type either, now that the Master’s out cold.”

He, Pinkie and Spike galloped over to the vault as the elements clashed furiously behind them. Big Macintosh, Applejack, Rarity, Fluttershy, Soarin’ and Braeburn emerged from their hiding spot behind the vault. Fluttershy had managed to untie herself, but Soarin’s wings were still bound.

“Soarin’? How did you get untied?” Spike asked. The Wonderbolt looked over at Applejack, who blushed furiously. He coughed and shook his head.

“Ah... Not important right now.”

“Definitely not!” Applejack said quickly. She looked the hinges of the vault over and grimaced. “Ah don’t think we can do much more to try and pry ‘er open, Doc!”

“Indeed! We just can’t open it up!” Rarity said with a sigh. She eyed Big Macintosh. “Though it could be worse-”

“Watch it,” Fluttershy growled. She blinked and blushed. “Um, I mean, if you please Rarity...?”

“What about a Sonic Rainboom? Maybe that would open it up!” Pinkie Pie suggested. The Doctor nodded.

“I believe it might! Now we just need Rainbow Dash to-”

“NOPONY TRIES TO HURT TWILIGHT AND GETS AWAY WITH IT!” Dash bellowed. All turned to see Rainbow Dash, freshly recovered from her encounter with the stained glass window, flying into the melee between Twilight and Trixie.

It didn’t last long.

“WAAHHH!” Dash was blasted into the door of the vault, and she tumbled away from it on top of Big Macintosh. She groaned, and when her eyes opened they were pointing in different directions.

“Rainbow Dash! Are you all right?” Rarity asked.

“Wow! You look like Derpy! Or how you look after talking to Derpy for a while! Or me for a while! Or how me and Derpy look like after we talk and-” Pinkie began but Braeburn shushed her with a kiss.

“Thank you,” Spike sighed.

“Mmhm!” Braeburn replied cheerfully as Pinkie Pie return it eagerly.

The Doctor shined his screwdriver in the blue pegasus’s eyes. He grimaced.

“Lovely. She’s got a concussion from the whiplash,” the Doctor sighed.

“Dun worry, I can still Boom Rainbow,” Dash slurred. She tried to take off from Big Macintosh’s back, but instead of her face meeting rushing air as she ascended, it met the floor. “Ow...”

“Oh... Oh my... Now what?” Fluttershy asked, nuzzling up to Big Macintosh. A crash of thunder went off, and Trixie was sent tumbling into a pillar. Twilight charged her and the two unicorns’ horns flashed like swords. Rarity shrugged.

“Well! At least it can’t get any worse, right?”

Pinkie Pie broke the kiss with Braeburn and gasped.

“Rarity! You never say that!”

The purple maned unicorn huffed.

“Oh come now! Twilight already said that, and nothing really terrible happened-”

CRASH!

From above, several familiar forms appeared flying in formation. The Shadowbolt Nightshade smirked wickedly.

“Is this a private party, or can anypony join?” She asked with a grin. The Doctor joined the others in glaring at a suddenly sheepish Rarity.

“Um.. Eheheh... Oopsie?”

- - - - - - -

READ THIS:

Yeah, this fic is going to be a bit longer than anticipated. Sorry about the long delay. Health, weather, school-Real Life has a way of disrupting one’s plans.

Oh well. Next chapter should be out next week. Stay tuned!

And for those of you wondering, yes Twilight is a virgin. She just denied it on principle.