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Entry 7 (Summer 89th-92nd, 1010 PNM), Light Masturbation, Sad, High Drama, Romance, Light Fondling

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89th of Summer, 1010 PN

Diary,
It’s been a couple of weeks since I had something worth writing about. I feel like I’m losing everybody in my life. Rarity’s baby shower is in just a hoofful of days, and I almost feel like I have no friends to visit there anymore. Rainbow Dash will be there, and now I’ve gone and... Let me just talk it out here for now. I’ll have to go and apologize to Rarity later.

I’m shaken out of bed by a knocking on my window. It’s rough, and it’s not the mail mare. I check the time, and realize I’ve slept in. I try to cuddle back up to my pillow when the knocking becomes a soft pounding. What the hell? I wasn’t dreaming well anyway. I shake my head and kick the pillow to the side roughly. She’s probably here to pick up her things, as agreed.

Rainbow Dash is looking none too pleased when I open the window. She’s in luck. I’ve been sleeping like shit, so I’ll be glad to start things.

“I have a door.”

“Yeah? Answered that lately?”

She flutters effortlessly outside my window, arms crossed and face looking elsewhere, her hair a mess. She’s started wearing it that way over the last few days. She turns her eyes to me reluctantly, and I mentally shout at the tugging in my chest to go away.

“Your stuff’s downstairs anyways.”

“Yeah? You gonna be at the town-hall meeting tonight?”

I just manage a nod as she enters.

“Don’t see why you can’t just give it all to me there.”

“I’d rather ponies didn’t know we-”

“Yeah? Guess I shouldn’t be surprised.”

I shake my head and wonder how we got here. These short replies are ours. They have been since Rainbow realized our last screw wasn’t fixing anything. I can sympathize. I feel just as used, and I feel like a bitch for having used her. Now she thinks I gave her a pity-fuck, and I know the truth: I just can’t keep my hooves or my mind off her.

I lag behind to watch her butt as we make our way down the stairs. I wouldn’t mind admitting it to anypony but her. It’s a nice butt. I’ve always liked looking at this butt. I’ve just never felt so guilty about it. Even when we were just friends, and every glance at the girls I traveled with was a new knife in their backs, I could at least sleep at night. I don’t sleep so well now.

“This all of it?”

I swallow and nod. Her tone of voice digs at me. My heart aches to know she can talk to me like this. Not being together was one thing, but are we going to keep going until we absolutely hate each other? I can’t stand it.

She moves for my front door and fumbles with the lock, and I let her out with a simple flex of my will.

“Thanks.”

“Yep.”

I close the door behind her and try to make my way unsteadily up the stairs. I make it to my room, but decide to turn into my bathroom instead. I’ve got plenty to do today, and tired or not, I need a shower before I do it.

I slump down in the shower and let the water land on my face.

I pulled together my resolve over a week ago in here to make the best of things, but I haven’t followed through. I don’t have the energy for those kinds of commitments anymore. I come home from working for other ponies every day and fall asleep with my hooves between my legs to thoughts of her.

They stray there now. I mentally reprimand them, but I slide them over my marehood anyway. A shock of pleasure shoots into my body, and I let the warmth that accompanies it flood in. I grope around in the shower for my dildo. It’s not like anypony else comes by to judge me for leaving it in there.

In seconds it’s sliding between my legs, and I’m moaning her name into the shower walls. The fact that she could be a foot outside my shower skylight doesn’t bother me. I need something between my legs right now. Maybe if she hears me, she’ll wing down here and join in. A little more sex on a failed relationship can’t make it worse than it is now, right?

I work the dildo in deeper at the thought of her coming down her and punishing me for once. Just completely taking charge, like she did back in her house. The memory of our last bout at sex is enough to send me over the edge, imagining her squeezing my flanks and letting me slap hers.

I throw the dildo aside, finished already. Sex isn’t even good when I do it alone. I soap up my mane and wonder if I couldn’t call Rainbow up and negotiate a truce. As the hormones fade out of my body, the guilt floods back in its place. Always, I’ll always just have to use the memory of her like this. I can’t be with her again. It’s too much. It’s dangerous for her, and it’s too hard for me. Mostly that it’s too hard for me. I let my head soak under the water for a few minutes before turning off the tap and toweling off. I want things to be different. When I take to my hooves, it’s hard to walk with my head aching. I make my way down the stairs and survey the mess of a living room. I want to fix some food, but my stomach tightens up. I slump down onto the sofa instead.
There are books scattered everywhere, I haven’t bothered cleaning in weeks. I push some of them off the couch to make more room and stretch out. I don’t give a thought to where or how they land. I have work to do today. I need to sleep, and I can only get a few more hours before noon comes and I can’t dodge it anymore. After a ton of tossing and turning, I finally manage it.

I’m in a long hallway. On my right, someone’s knocking at the window. I move to open it, but I don’t want to.
The window is hot to the touch, and I pick up some oven mitts and try my best to open the oven door. It spills outward instead, and I go with it.
I’m in a sea of fire now. I cry and beg for Spike to pull me back into the house, but around me trees spring up. I’m running out of safe places to stand.
Behind me the fire wells up. Ahead of me it parts. I run forward, but I know it’s out there somewhere.
I reach out with my magic, and lightning flares up somewhere. I’m not going to cry. I run forward.

I’m woken up mid-dream by knocking. When I take to my hooves, I’m already feeling woozy. That’s been happening a lot lately too. My hooves feel a mile away, and my gut is tight.
The knocking comes again. Not hooves. Only one explanation.
I call out that I’m coming, and try to push some books aside into ugly stacks so that he can have a place to sit. When I open the door, Rarity’s husband isn’t alone. She pokes her head around him, but it’s almost enough to make me laugh that she’s trying to stand behind him. She’s put on more than a little weight in the last few months, and my guess is she’s begun to enjoy it. I find my voice, and the smile I manage is somewhat genuine given the funny sight on my doorstep.

“Good afternoon, Rarity!”
She steps around him and stands up straighter. Heavens help me but she’s big, and it has nothing to do with the baby. Every step she takes leaves fatty ripples all the way down to her haunches. She’s taken my advice about putting on weight to more than just her heart. It’s getting dangerous.
“Twilight! The spa trip you sent us on was simply lovely, thank you so much!”
I nod and swallow. Most of the things that come in the mail from Canterlot are going to her now. I don’t really care for any of them. I don’t really have any interest in the place anymore. I thought I would. My thoughts drift off to the pair of tickets for the Crafter’s expo sitting upstairs. It’s been my plan to give them to her as a baby shower gift, but it seems like a dumb gift. You’re meant to give ponies baby-related things as gifts, right?
“It’s my pleasure, Rarity. It’s good to see you two looking happier than you were!”
“Yes, of course we are! We’re doing so well, I figured we simply must stop in and see how things were going, to thank you properly. It occurred to me that we started off so long ago helping you to fix your oven, and we simply must bake together!”
I shake my head. Is this real life? Am I still dreaming? Why on earth would anypony come to my home and bake?
I look at her smile. It has been weeks since I did anything with anypony else.
“Sounds great, Rarity! Do we have any-”
Her husband strides past her and toward my kitchen, holding up bags. I can figure out what’s in them easily enough.
“Of course, of course! Now come and give me a proper hug. Mmm. There’s a girl. You simply mustn’t lock yourself away in here with Rainbow Dash all day every day, ponies are really starting to wonder what’s become of you!”
I gulp and realize I’ve never told her we broke things off.
“I-”
She hurries into the hug, and I’m given armfulls of huge, soft pony.
“Now don’t get me wrong dear. It’s perfectly natural, and it was bound to happen that you’d discover your... Well, you know. I’m just so glad things are working well!”
Right. Glad. No sense spoiling her happy trip. I’ll just tell her later.
When we break the hug, Rarity practically skips into the kitchen. Once we’re there, it’s just a matter of setting up for baking. She pulls up a chair as I ball up cookies into dough, and her husband adjusts the oven.
“How was Canterlot?”
She grins and leans back in her seat, resting her hooves on the immense roll of her stomach.
“It was simply magnificent! A proper gem! And we got up to the naughtiest things, oh it was just terrible of us.”
This last revelation is delivered with a wink and a hushed whisper. I try to pretend to care a bit more about her sex life.
“Oh really? What kind of things did you two get up to?”
She wiggles her eyebrows and motions for him to come over. Adjusting the oven doesn’t take much longer, and as soon as he’s over there she’s leaning into him.
“Well, a little bit of everything, really. I’m not sure... Oh I don’t want to bore you. ...Conventional sex must be rather dull for you.”
I shrug. I’m assuming she means straight sex there, but I don’t nitpick at her word choice. Some ponies are just awkward about the subject, it’s nothing hateful.
“Now remind me again... Are you exclusively mare oriented, or are you...?”
I nod, and realize it gives her no clue. “I just like mares.”
“Always, yes?”
I wince. My head hurts, and these questions aren’t doing it any favors.
“Yeah. Ever since I was a filly in Canterlot.”
“What must that have been like? So many pretty mares in Canterlot! It must be like candy shopping!”
I nod. Childhood was a lot of that. A lot of potentials. Never any contenders. By the time I was sexual enough to care, there was only one object of my desire.
“And the princesses there too, why that would have been scandalous, yes?”
I rub my temples and nod.
“Yes, what normal common pony would fall for a princess?”
She misses the sarcasm, and I’m glad for it. I’m not thinking well, I’ll out myself hard if I’m not careful.
“Oh well... Now you wouldn’t have been so bad. You’re no normal common pony! You’re Twilight Sparkle, the princess’ favorite student! It would have been adorable, if not a bit strange.”
I roll my eyes and think about the princess we’re both speaking of. So regal, and so proper. She’s the only pony alive who really knows what I wrestle with every day. To curl up with her would have been spectacular. I realize my stomach isn’t getting tight thinking of her anymore, and that there’s another mare who I was able to curl up with when I wasn’t feeling well. I try to get words together.
“Well, Dash is...”
“Where is Rainbow today, Twilight?”
“She’s... Off with Pinkie pie!”
The lie comes easily enough, but I knew the topic was coming. Should have had something better ready. Stupid. I wash my hooves as she continues to grill me.
“Pinkie pie? Goodness, what in Equestria are the two of them doing?”
I stop to think about it. What is Rainbow Dash doing right now? Off pranking with Pinkie Pie? My stomach knots up as Rarity slips the first tray into the oven. She waddles back to the chair and it groans as she sits in it with those enormous haunches.
“Oh you know. Just one of her... play dates.”
Saying it out loud only tightens the knot in my gut. Rainbow Dash out with another mare? Why can’t I stop caring? I stare intensely at the oven, and don’t say a word as I think it over. She probably is off with Pinkie Pie somewhere. They’re probably zipping in and out of clouds right now. I remember being carried by her into the clouds. The feeling of her strong hooves holding me and scooping me up. The weightless feeling as my hooves leave the ground. The slight pumping feeling of her wingbeats as we climb higher into the sky with seemingly no effort. The feeling that we’re about to hit a white wall, before we burst through it into a sea of diamond stars that I didn’t remember were there, and lock onto the Rainbow Mane for dear life. The stars seem huge, and the clouds seem far away as we keep going up. There’s no sound up there but the wind. It carries the sounds of ponies walking, the sounds of them talking, and the sounds of them working.
“...Twilight, is that jealousy?”
She catches me off guard as I pull the tray back out. We’ve gone almost ten minutes without actually saying a word.
“I- of course it’s jealousy! I don’t want Rainbow Dash running around with other mares like that! I want her to be...”
Rarity tilts her head and smiles at me, and I just stop.
“Now now. It’s not that bad. The jealousy gets better, I promise. There was a point in time where I thought I’d never approve of him going out with other mares... Just look at him now though, going out for drinks with Rainbow Dash like a pair of brothers.”
He’s going out for drinks with Rainbow? Since when? I didn’t hear a word about it. Rarity continues on for a moment while I’m still digesting this new gem.
“I must admit, things have gotten... much better since you... Twilight? Are you feeling ok?”
No, I’m not. My head’s splitting, and my stomach hurts. I feel like I can’t walk.
“I’m fine! Just thinking. What were you saying?”
“Now now, Twilight. Tell me, how are things? Is everything ok?”
She blows on a cookie and starts to munch it while I scramble for an excuse. I want to give in and just admit it to her. I settle for a half truth.
“Rainbow and I... We had a fight.”
Actually saying it makes me want to cry. I bite my lip and swear that the tears forming won’t make it down my cheek.
“Oh? Oh Twilight... Oh it’ll be alright! Was it a terribly awful fight?”
I manage a weak nod. It feels so good to admit it.
“What was it about?”
I start to cry.
“It’s me. I’m... I’m just awful. Why am I so awful?”
Rarity’s cookie hits her plate in a second, and I have a hoof rubbing my hair.
“Now now. You’re just fine. Tell me everything.”
I can’t tell her everything, I just don’t have the heart.
“Rainbow Dash and I... She admitted she’s loved me for a really long time... and I couldn’t... I can’t say it back. But I think I might... I might...And I...”
I can’t say anymore. I’ve already got the hiccups. My head’s spinning. It’s hard to breathe.
“Sssh. It’s ok. Rainbow Dash needs to adjust to you, Twilight. Especially if she’s had you on a pedestal for this long.”
I maneuver words in between gulps of air.
“Adjust to me?”
“Well... You have changed since we met. You were outgoing. Generous with your time, very generous. You were kind, and you weren’t above a bit of fun even if it made you nervous. You were honest, and you were fiercely protective of everypony you knew.”
I can’t tell if I’m being insulted or not.
“I... Was?”
“Well, everypony changes. You got tired, and I can’t blame you Twilight... It’s just growing up, getting more realistic. But Rainbow’s become the opposite! That mare was barely responsible enough to own a turtle, and now look at her! She’s put the old you up on a pedestal, become what she idolized, and she expected you to jump in with her... But... it’s ok not to be ready.”
I shake my head. I haven’t changed. Ponies have changed. They’re the ones who need me all the time now. They’re the ones who can’t understand what it’s like, wrestling with the will of fire to help mend their little books. They don’t understand what it’s like to have no one you can rely on when you want to be weak for a minute.
“The old Twilight’s still in there. I promise. Dash has to look harder to find it. Just look at us! Ever since your talk, things have certainly been improving... Between him and myself.”
I’m grateful for the topic change, but my head’s swimming nonetheless. I file it all away to think about later.
“Rarity... about that... Too much in the other direction.”
“I’m sorry?”
I smile. She’s been very honest with me about myself. Even if she’s wrong, I’m sure there’s plenty in there to consider. I should be honest back.
“It’s... you’ve put on a bit too much weight, maybe. You’re going to be having a foal in a little over a month... You’ve got to be in good shape or it’ll be too hard.”
She finishes chewing her third cookie and frowns.
“Twilight... I’m not overweight. I’m expecting a foal!”
I nod. She’s denying it. That’s fine. Any pony would deny the truth when they’re faced with it from somepony else. Still, she needs to fix up her habits.
“Alright, alright... That’s fine, but maybe a little exercise?”
She finishes her fifth cookie and glares from her husband to me.
“Exercise? I don’t need it! I’m as fit as the day I... Why, the very recommendation-”
I try to jump in before she can get too worked up.
“Just some walking. Nothing too rough.”
“Too rough? I’m not fit for the tough stuff anymore? I’m not avoiding it because I can’t, I’m saying I don’t need to!”
I roll my eyes and wish someone would back me up.
To my surprise, he does. His voice is... odd. I’ve only ever heard it a hoof-ful of times. I let him speak his piece. As gently as he can, he tries to tell her they can go on walks together, but she pushes the plate of cookies away.

“Walk together? Fine! Take her side! We’ll go right now. I’ll show you, it won’t even cause a sweat. Then we can put this whole ugly business behind us, and both of you can apologize for being terribly rude to an expectant mare!”
She’s halfway out my door before I can call to stop her. Just a short walk!
I move to follow her as she zips out the door and up the path toward the mountains, but my legs wobble and I fall. He races past me with a quick apology, and I sigh and dust myself off. When did I get too weak to walk?
I walk back into my home and sigh again. Nopony ever wants advice. Not really. I lock the door and pull down the shades. The sun’s hurting my eyes, and I need some rest. I haven’t eaten today, and I don’t remember eating yesterday, but I’m far too tired to eat. My stomach hurts. I just need a little sleep, that’s all.
I curl up on my couch and fall asleep, determined not to be woken up by knocking again. I’m not going to take callers today.

The dream comes again. I can’t get out of it. By the time I’m in the ocean of fire, I remember I’ve been there before.

I look up. There is no sky, only darkness beyond the licking flames beneath my hooves. I start to walk through the fiery trees. In a moment, I could swear I’m back where I started. Behind me, the ground continues to vanish. Before me, a path continues to form. I walk for what feels like hours, fire at my heels. Each time I look back, the flames are closer. I start to run. I trip and fall, and scream as I plunge headfirst into a fiery tree. With all the speed I can manage, I take to my hooves to try and escape the fire that has surely caught up to me now. I stumble and fall.

I’m halfway across the room before I’m fully awake. There’s no light threatening to come in the windows. It’s bound to be dark by now. I sigh. Outside I can hear rain. I hope Rarity’s walk finished before that started. With only years of practice motivating me, I pull up my mental list of things to do tonight.

The town-hall meeting is first on it.

I race over to a clock and realize it’s already started. I’m fifty minutes late. I’m never fifteen minutes late, anywhere. Everypony will know something’s wrong! I hurry out of the house and into the rain.

As I run, I try to summon up excuses. Too much work lately? Everypony knows I’ve been a shut-in. Helping Rarity? She’s mad at me, might not corroborate the story. Overslept? No, too close to the truth. Don’t want ponies to think i’m lazy. Didn’t catch the time? Much too irresponsible to be true. Clock broke? Clock broke! Perfect. That could happen to anypony!

I hurry into the town-hall meeting with an apology ready. As I run in, ponies part quickly.

“Sorry everypony, I’m a bit late... My clock-”

I’m shushed and I sit down as the Mayor continues her speech about raising security in Ponyville. At the end, she turns it over to me with a smile.

I take to the podium, and I try to explain the threat their town faces. The dangers of Basilisks spill from my tongue, and every pony listens with total attention. As I address the crowded room, many jaws drop. As I describe the way that they work, their poisons and their gaze, many ponies hug each other. It’s clear they’re afraid. I tell them they don’t need to be.

“Now you don’t have to worry. We’ll be taking care of safety in Ponyville just like always.”

I’m cut off from any more by the Mayor, and I let her have her moment. Politics is tricky.

“That’s right. And here to tell us all about our new safety measures in Ponyville is our finest flier, Rainbow Dash!”

I slump down in a seat to listen, and it dawns on me that I’ve been cut out of the safety section of this process as she goes over it. Dash outlines a plan where she’ll take care of the skies over Ponyville at night with some other pegasi. Its gaze likely won’t be pointed skyward, and they can sound the alarm from the safety of the clouds. When they see the basilisk, they’ll summon up other ponies to take immediate action and return it to the Everfree forest. Fluttershy has been nominated to head up removing the basilisk. I’m not sure she’ll enjoy that, but it does seem more practical than any alternative, save one. Me.

The mayor calls up the next order of business, and my name isn’t spoken again. Nothing else at the meeting has to do with me. I get up and leave in a stupor. Isn’t a single pony going to actually ask if Rainbow’s plan for removing the basilisk is the safest method?

I get out the door, and I’m stopped in the street by the sound of somepony clearing their throat. I look up and find her above me.

“You ok Twilight? You look like a mess.”

I shake the dizziness off and look back up at her.

“Why’d you leave me out of the safety measures?”

She lands next to me, ears flat against her head.

“The Mayor thought... and I thought that it would be best to, after the incident at the Library.”

The library? That’s right. The other order of business tonight that I was meant to be involved with was explaining the explosion at the Library.

“I missed that. How could they decide on it if I didn’t tell them?”

She studies the cobblestone road instead of meeting my eyes.

“I told them.”

I struggle to swallow. I was afraid of this.

“You? What’d you tell them?”

She looks at me now.

“I told them the truth, Twilight. Not about... you and me, but about how you’ve been having trouble controlling your magic. I told them it was my fault, but they didn’t care whose fault it was or why it was happening. They voted to leave you out of further business until you could prove you were back in control.”

I meet her eyes and breathe deeply. I hate her. The only life I had in Ponyville is ruined. I tell her so.

“Well... Maybe this’ll make your decision to move easier. Maybe that would be easier for everypony.”

I want to hit her. Pick her up with magic and fling her into something... but I push the hurt away. It feels like treachery, but somewhere in my heart, reason surfaces. Rainbow Dash is right. I blasted her through a window, not just in my imagination, but with my body. She has the scars to prove it, too. I can’t control it anymore. Canterlot is the safest place for me now.

My voice is weak, and I know I’m inches from crying as I speak.

“I... I don’t want to leave Ponyville. I don’t want to. I love it here.”

She nods.

“I know Twi. I’m sorry.”

Sorry? She’s the reason I’ll probably have to leave. It’s her fault I’m in this mess!

“Yeah? You’ve picked a hell of a time to start feeling sorry.”

“Huh?”

“Did you ever think I might not want to go back to Canterlot? Not that I have a choice now..”

“Twi-”

“When I walked in, everypony walked away. I couldn’t even give a proper lecture on basilisks. They were... too afraid of me. Weren’t they?”

“Hey, just think about-”

“I’m gonna go home. I really need a chance to sleep.”

I turn my back and leave her standing there.

Two days pass. I hear nothing from Rarity, Applejack, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, or her. The only words I hear from any of the girls are a reminder in the mail that I don’t need for Rarity’s baby shower. I haven’t heard from Rarity, but I hope she remembers. By the time the 92nd rolls around, the weekend’s over. I’m curled up in my bed asleep when I get the written letter asking me to come over. It’s from Rarity. I set my alarm and go back to sleep. It’s the first dreamless sleep I’ve had in weeks.

I wake up feeling only a bit better, but with the way I’ve been feeling for the last week it might as well be the start of a new life. I roll out of bed without begging my clock for five more minutes, and set about getting ready to go over to Rarity’s. She’s been obsessing over checkups lately, and I’m sure she’ll want one. I tuck the book with the spell in my saddlebag, but I can already cast it from memory. I don’t really need it, but best to be safe.
I comb out my mane and test my forehead. Still a bit hot. The fever I’ve been running for the last few days hasn’t broken, but I should be able to tough it out. Heavens help Rarity if this isn’t important. I briefly consider just cuddling back into the cool side of my pillow and blowing it off. Her baby shower’s today, and I should really apologize to her for upsetting her a few days ago. I steel myself to make a quick checkup and apology, and then nap before the shower. Things are looking up as I step out into the sunny summer day.
Halfway to her apartment, I remember that Rarity’s only recently started moving back into the Boutique. I should have thought to ask her which home she’d be in. I pull out her letter, but it gives no hints. I decide to check the Boutique first. It’s closer, and my legs are starting to wobble. When I try the door, it’s open. Not figuratively, the door is literally not closed. It’s curious, but I suppose it means they’re expecting me. I try to move in quietly, not sure what the state of the house is. If it’s in the process of being burgled, I’d hate to give myself away.
There’s a lot of noise coming from the kitchen. Someone’s whistling, and the smell of eggs and hashbrowns is filling the whole downstairs. If there’s food, I’m betting Rarity’s behind it... Or in front of it, these days. I push the door ever so slightly, but can’t get a peek into the kitchen. I swallow and steel myself to apologize.
I swing the door open and I’m met with a bare human backside. He spins around and drops the towel he was holding, a plate of cooked food in his hands. Between his legs that... thing swells up, hard and ready. I barely manage a shout and run out of the room, slamming the door behind me.

“Y-your front door is... it’s open... and Rarity...well she asked for... Are you decent?”

It’s all I can manage. What the heck kind of kinky stuff are they getting up into this house? Towels and food and... boners?

He shouts that it’s ok, and I can hear him running over to my door. From inside the room there’s a thud, followed by a massive clattering of objects and the sound of a body hitting the floor. It’s accompanied by a chorus of painful swears. I jerk the door open to make sure he’s alright, and he’s on his back, junk on full display only a couple feet away from me. It’s fully erect, and he’s clutching his likely bruised foot. Around him, cookware litters the kitchen floor. I snap the door shut again and hurry down the hall toward the front door. I’ve obviously come at a bad time, and now I’ve embarrassed the poor man. Rarity passes me in the hallway at full speed, and I stop to wait. If she needs help, I might be able to lend it.

Instead, there’s just a lot of laughing from the kitchen. After she’s done laughing at him, she calls me back in. I’ll have to trust her over him. I step in and find him with a towel secured around his waist this time. She sees to him while I watch. Trying to be helpful, I move to pick up all the pots and pans on the floor that spilled out of the moving boxes he tripped over. There’s a surge in my will, hot and angry. Instead of just putting those pans back in their places, everything in the kitchen begins arranging itself. I finally let the spell go as the last fork slides into place.

“You’re sure you’re alright darling? Awww, you were making breakfast for us? I married the best man, I just know I did.”

I decide to plod through this as best I can. Back to quick apologies and sleep. Stick to the plan. I decide to open with a less consequential apology.
“S-sorry for coming in without knocking, but I really expected that-”
“Oh Twilight, you’ve nothing to be embarrassed about. You’ve been party to more than that between all of us at any rate!”
Great. Now I know I’m blushing. She starts to set the table and invites me to sit with her, and I try to hide the red I know is flooding my face. Memories of all the mistakes I made with Rainbow Dash that night come flooding back. They’re not all bad. I cross my legs and take a deep breath.
“Come share this breakfast here, Darling. Have you eaten yet? Just look, he’s made my portions far too big, you simply must have some. It’s the least I can do for having you over here on such short notice.”
Short notice. Checkout. Checkup. Check up on Rarity. Not check out Rarity.
“Yyyyyyeah. About that. Rarity, I know you’re nervous, but I just gave you a checkup this Tuesday. Are you really sure you need me again? It’s only been four days.”
“Well, I... You see... Oh heavens, you do remember the walk you advised us upon, yes?”
The fact that she’s studying a dot on the wall is a bad sign. I try to scoot to position myself between her and it.
“Well we sort of took your advise. We went hiking. And well, one thing lead to another, and we fell asleep on the mountaintop. When we woke well... A storm came up. We’d been...”
She clears her throat and motions with her hooves to his towel with a not quite subtle back and forth motion.
“We tried to get down in time once it got bad, but it was just too strong. The water rose up so fast, and it was just terrifying.”
She cuddles into him for a moment, and I’m sure my jaw is dropped as she goes on with her story.
“Well, we started to make our way down, but it just... it all happened so fast. Before I knew it, he was shoving me up into that tree to protect- there’s a tree on the mountain. It’s not very strong, it couldn’t hold us both. I almost watched him get... Well, we shan’t dwell on it. I watched him swim until he couldn’t anymore... Then I just couldn’t take it!”
I look around to make sure I’m not dreaming. No fiery walls? Alright, I’m awake, so what in Equestria is this pony doing this close to having a baby?
“I focused my magic on his ring, and I managed to... Well, we pushed everything clear, and he climbed out, and I jumped in and dragged him to shore. But we managed to save each other at a great deal of personal work. I just... I want to make sure everything’s ok after that.”
I can’t think of anything to say. In the last two days she’s climbed a dangerous mountain and almost drowned with this huge idiot at her side. Does she want me to congratulate her on surviving?
My silence grows uncomfortable. She looks around for a minute and starts to dig for excuses with a quick clearing of her throat.
“Honestly, I’m not sure where the storm came from. Was it scheduled?”
Her excuse making is enough to snap me out. I realize I have to get to her about this while I still can. She’s put herself and her whole family in serious danger if this is even half the story. I wish I’d never agreed to help her with this. I help too many ponies as it is... but in this moment, I can see why I do it. These are the moments that matter. I cut in as quickly as I can.
“How would I know? But more importantly-”
“Well I just thought that... I mean, you and Rainbow Dash...”
Rainbow Dash? Why always Rainbow Dash? I don’t have a clue what she does anymore. If she wants to dump a year’s worth of clouds on some mountain, it’s still not even her fault that Rarity almost drowned.
“Rarity, I don’t know everything Rainbow does, and she was... busy that day. Just what are you trying to say?”
“I just thought you might have known when you sent us out dear, I wasn’t trying to-”
Yes. I sent my only remaining close friend up on a walk into a doomed and flooding mountain pass on purpose. Is she being this ridiculous on purpose?
“You do know this isn’t my fault, don’t you?”
“Well no, I mean yes, I mean... I just didn’t know if you knew there was a storm planned for the afternoon. I certainly didn’t think there would be.”
“Well neither did I. And even if I had known, it was your choice to take those risks, Rarity.”
“Excuse me?”
There’s no use sugar coating it for her. I have to lay it on and be honest while I can. The fact that I came here to apologize for being too honest a couple of days ago is miles away from my mind.
“You two could stand to have a little more self control. I’m sure it never occurred to you that it was a little dangerous to do the things you did? It’s your eighth month. You could have been seriously hurt!”
“Twilight Sparkle, I’m surprised at you! This was all a tremendous accident. I don’t think it was anypony’s fault.”
I dip into my will. The fire’s there, and I push it back with as much calm as I can manage. Somewhere in all of it, I manage to draw out the spell I need. Inside her, Rarity’s body pulses with the life of a healthy foal. I wonder if I should tell her, or let her sweat it out. I decide that I’ll tell her, but not without a stern warning.
“Oh sure, it’s nopony’s fault. And everypony I know has to get this checkup, the one intended to be given once a month, four times in four weeks. Are you sure you’re ready for this? You two don’t seem to be settling down much.”
“Are you implying we’re not fit to be parents?”
Parents? Sex in Canterlot’s spa, and now on a flooding mountain top? It’s not about parents as much as it is about adulthood. She needs to be more considerate of the ponies around her. Her sex life is going to ruin her regular life if she’s not careful.
“Well no, I’m saying that you’re not exactly acting like proper adults lately.”
“And what pony acts perfectly all the time? You and Rainbow Dash? You think yourself and Rainbow Dash would be fit parents?”
Dash and I? Parents? I throw the idea aside as ridiculous, but it isn’t about us. I throw a hasty lie over it to get back to the matter at hand.
“Well, no. And yes. Yes, I think Rainbow and I could be good parents if we tried. But this isn’t abou-”
“Well then isn’t that just the biggest shame.”
My gut jerks, and I resist the urge to slap her. Taking a low dig at my chances of having children?
“Excuse me?”
“You heard me! You think Rainbow Dash would be a better parent than either of us? Still running off to do her work early and catching everypony in a thunder storm so she can go play pranks with Pinkie Pie at her age!?”
“Don’t you turn this onto Dash and me! You’re the one who makes these... decisions. And for your information, Pinkie Pie and Dash were out collecting things for YOUR stupid baby shower that afternoon, which is TODAY by the way.”
The second lie comes as easily as the first. Why not? Make her feel the guilt. She’s the one assuming things about Rainbow Dash and I. She deserves her stupid misery. I can practically hear the sound of this bridge burning. Fire is filling my ears now.
“Toda-? Well if it’s so stupid, I don’t expect to see you there!”
“Well maybe you WON’T!”
I find my hooves and take to the hallway. It’s like walking through a haze. My head is swimming. Raising my voice has hurt my throat. My head is ready to burst. In five steps, the anger’s leaving me, and it’s replaced by genuine fear. This is it. My body... This is what dying feels like. The heat rushes up and I force it down. I have to get away. I’ll let her know, and then I’ll find a quiet place to die. I turn and try to put her mind at ease before I go.
“Your baby looks fine to me, Rarity. I’ll see you tonight... Maybe.”
It’s a big maybe. I close the door and almost miss her parting “Fine.” Sound drips out of the world. Birds chirp miles away. I try to pull myself together. There it goes. The last close friendship I still had. I could call up another one of the girls that I’ve grown apart from, but what’s the point? I’ll ruin it too.
I stumble up the street. The conversation I just had surges through my head with a fiery throbbing. Dash and I having foals? If I just survive this, I’ll apologize to her. I really will. I can feel tears tumbling down my cheeks. I let myself cry her name. I don’t want to die alone, but I guess I deserve it. The streets are completely empty this afternoon. Why not let it all out one last time before I die?
The fire floods through me again, and it’s just a little harder to push back. I stumble, and force myself to my feet. If I lose it, that’s it. I can feel it rush down to my hooves and back through my body. With the last of my concentration I force it down again. Above me in the sky, I can feel the sun growing hotter on my body.
I stop on a bridge and can’t go any further. The air is stifling, and I can’t breathe it. All that comes out when I exhale is a sob. I apologize to Rarity and Rainbow Dash and the Princess as I lie there. The flames continue to eat at me. My stomach tightens, and I vomit. The taste of acid rushes up and out of my mouth. The heat is in my throat too now, and I choke and cough. It hurts to breathe. My vision blurs up.

I look down at the river below and it looks cool. It’s closer than I ever noticed it was. I could tumble down. Plunge into it, extinguish the fire in me that’s eaten everything I ever loved. My thoughts drift back to Dash. Behind me, the fire starts to rush toward me. I run forward. The only safe space is under me. I’m in the air. I apologize to her.

Behind me the fire continues to chase me. I run forward, and all the times I’ve run this circuit rush back to me. Thoughts of the last two weeks bombard me. I can feel them singing my coat. Far away, the flames lick toward a black curtain. I’ve lost it all, haven’t I? Isn’t it time to stop running, and start living? To start dying? I stop in my tracks and look to the only place I haven’t. Beneath my hooves.

Below me, the sun churns and swirls. The intense heat of the world’s most powerful energy pulls at me, starts to swallow me up. I let it do it. I can feel hooves clutching at me as I sink, but I let the girls go. I abandoned them a long time ago.
Suddenly one hoof surges forward. It grabs on, and it won’t let go. I’ll lose my leg at this rate. Her rainbow mane plunges into a fire her soul was never meant to take. Tears rim her eyes. It’s killing her just to hang on, but she doesn’t care. She won’t let me go. In her eyes, I see the hurt of holding onto a pony who wants to die. Do I really want to?
My life in Ponyville rushes back to me. Thousands of days spent in the company of friends. Drinks, laughter, good cheer. Tears, drama, rumors, pain. How can I just give it all up? When did I get so weak? There’s a whole lifetime of being watched by this mare who’s always loved me, silently and tirelessly and thanklessly. I haven’t even gotten to explore it. Alongside the thread of my life, an entire life I’ve never known runs, aching to join mine.
She has this too. She has a history. She has a life. She has an entirely different set of memories. She has parents. She has somepony who will miss her when she dies. I’m one of of those someones. I’m a someone just like her. She’s watched me plunge into being the very thing she despised in herself, and she still hasn’t given up on loving me. Somewhere in her, a famously indomitable spirit refuses to believe I’ll lie down and die. I realize she’s right.
As the hands of flame grab me and pull me down, I shout one last time to the ponies I was leaving behind. I’m coming back for them. I’m going to live.

I’m sitting in front of a throne that blazes with the wrath of the world I was just consumed by. She sits there in an infernal glory. Where her eyes are, the white void of the will of fire rushes forward and consumes me. I apologize to her, and the flames cease their wicked dance across my body. They wait, suspended and expectant, for the moment when I come clean and apologize for loving any pony but her. I intend to cheat them of their sport.
I am sorry, Celestia. I’m sorry. I can’t love you anymore. I just can’t. I don’t feel anything when I look at your picture anymore. I’ve spent months trying to. I don’t care that your readings sometimes make no sense. I didn’t leave you behind, you left me behind. I can’t do that to another pony. I won’t hurt the pony I love by insisting on being as distant as you are. I have to stop trying to hold on to a love that died so long ago. It’s going to kill me with it if I don’t.

The heat recedes backward. The shine of her coat fills my eyes. I’ve seen Celestia raise the sun. Now I watch it set at her back. The white of her eyes reaches backward, pulling the entire world in. I’m rushing upward through a white void.
On the other side, my vision begins to clear. Above me, the white focuses into clouds. Dash’s head comes into view. The softness of her legs is at my back. I stir, and find myself in her lap.
“Twi?”
She’s crying. Very hard. Where are we?
“You’re cooling off. Thank Celestia!”
I pull her in and kiss her.
“Not Celestia. Thank you.”

“Huh?”

I pull her into a hug, and she sniffles.

“What the hay were you thinking?”

“I was so hot... I was... The will, Rainbow. It almost killed me.”

“Twi...”

I look around. I have energy for the first time in weeks. I have questions.

“Where are we?”

“My house. Well... My house, but way up.”

I look at her curiously.

“You were burning up. I saw you from the air, but you wouldn’t say anything when I shouted at you. You were crying a lot. I was... Happy to see it. Then you started to throw up, and you flopped over, and I came down to check on you, but you freakin’ jumped off the bridge!”

I nod.

“The water in it... Just looked so cool.”

Delirious or not, I almost killed myself. It begins to set in. I bury my face in her coat and breathe deeply. She pushes me back and looks away.

“Quit... Being so touchy. I can’t take that. I’m glad you’re ok... but... I need you to stop. It really hurts when you do this.”

I shake my head and shush her.

“Dash... Please.”

I need to figure out how to talk to her. I stretch my memory back to the dream, but it seems ages ago. What was it about? I decide to settle for rambling.

“Please, Dash. Can I just speak? For a minute? Just talk something out? If it doesn’t make sense, I’ll go away. I’ll move to Canterlot to stop hurting you. Please.”

She nods and sniffles a bit. She’s fighting to keep it together.

“If it’s... You don’t have to say you don’t care. Ok?”

I shake my head.

“I’m sorry, Rainbow. I’ve spent...”

I look around and take a deep breath. I summon up a cloudwalking spell so that I can get off of her lap. It’s shoddy, but the magic comes. I step out shakily and move to a window.

“You found out the other night... When I grew up in Canterlot, I fell for her. For Celestia. I was so in love with her... I thought I was so in love with her. I was obsessed, for the longest time. It felt like she was the only pony who understood where I was in life. When I got invited to Canterlot, it ruined everything. I was afraid to move back, because I’d...”

I swallow and say it for the first time out loud.

“I’d stopped loving her. I was scared that I never had. It was the only thing in my life I always thought I knew for sure. I was so sure of it. I didn’t want to let go of the certainty. But you came into my life, and you turned everything upside down. Loving somebody isn’t pining away for them at a distance. It’s holding them in your arms and not wanting to let go.”

She pulls me in and starts to cry into my coat.

“I got a lot of things backwards, and I was stupid. I was really, really stupid. I hurt you, and...”

This all sounds stupid and lame.

“I’m sorry.”

She nods.

“I got in a fight with Rarity over how she was acting, and I realized I really have changed. I... I have changed.”

I say it, and it feels true. I must sound like the cheesiest mare in Equestria right now.

“I don’t like it though. I tried to help her. Today I tried to help somepony for the first time in a long time. It wasn’t about how often I was right, and how often she needed me. It was about trying to really help her realize what she’s doing with her life... but the way that I did it was stupid. I’ve ruined all the friendships I’ve come to love.”

Dash leans back on her bed and looks at the ceiling as I talk. I know she has things to say... I just hope I can say everything before she stops me and tells me it’s too late.

“I ruined everything, Dash. I had nothing left. I’d changed so much... I was ready to let the fire take me forever.”

I look around the room.

“And then you came. In my dream... You held on. I don’t know why.”

She shakes her head and looks at me. The distance between us closes in seconds. I can hear every word on my neck as she leans in.

“I heard what you said on the bridge.”

I tilt my head. The bridge seems like a very long time ago.

“You cried out for me. I told you... Up here, I can hear everypony. You cried out for me, that you didn’t want to die alone.”

Realization of why we’re so high up dawns on me. She grabbed on, gripped my flaming body against hers, and she knew what the will of fire could do. She pulled me out of Ponyville, shot to the sky with a ball of fire in her hooves, uprooted her whole home so that we could burn out together, miles away from harming anypony.

“You kept whispering my name while I carried you. You kept asking me not to let you hurt them. You didn’t have to ask. We were miles away by then... but I knew then...”

She chokes up and wipes her eyes.

“I knew I was going to die with the Twilight I fell in love with.”

Tears flood my eyes, and I pull her in and kiss her once, but she turns her face, and now I’m the one kissing her cheek. I have to convince her that things will be different.
“She’s still in there Dash. I want to be that Twilight again... but I need help. Please... I need you to trust me.”
She looks up at me and shakes her head. I squeeze her hoof in mine.
“One last time. Please?”
She nods.
“Don’t leave me hanging again, Twi. I won’t forgive you again.”
I shake my head.
“Do you forgive me now?”
She looks at her wall again.
“I... I dunno. I dunno yet.”
I nod.
“After Rarity’s baby shower today. We’ll go up to the mountain we were going to go to before things... went wrong. I’ll try to explain then.”
She shakes her head.
“You shouldn’t be going anywhere. You almost exploded.”
I look down at my hooves and hop on her clouds once for emphasis.
“I’m fine now... I think I’ll be fine now. I think it’s over.”
She tilts her head.
“I... I was wrapping up my control over the will of fire in my feelings for someone I didn’t love anymore. Just being around you whipped everything out of shape. I built my whole life’s control on something that didn’t exist anymore, Rainbow... But I think I’m finally... letting go. I have my own control now.
She blows her mane out of her eyes to cover up rolling them, and I can tell she doesn’t believe me. There’s only one way to prove it. I grab her, dip into my will, and find an ocean of cool water. With a quick “pop”, we both materialize in front of my Library home. Another spark and we’re in my bathroom.
Dash takes a quick step back and looks around, but I pull her back in and spark us both
back to her cloud house. She bites her lip and I smile and lower my head. She rubs my horn, just a bit. Just enough to know it’s turning her on.

“Ok... You’re in control, but...”

I kiss her neck.

“I’ll set things right. I promise, Rainbow. And I’ll wait as long as I have to for you to trust me again. I’ll wait my whole life if I have to.”

She shakes her head.

“We’ve both done enough waiting for love.”

Her lips press against mine, and she eases me onto her bed.

“Don’t leave me hanging tonight. You understand?”

I nod.

“I’ll be on the mountain after the shower. You better patch things up with Rarity first. Otherwise, you’re not getting an ear.”

I nod.

“And no promises. I can’t chase you around if I don’t think things are really gonna be different, Twi.”

I nod.

“A little rough stuff doesn’t bug me, but I just gotta know you’re not gonna hurt me on purpose again.”

I wince at the thought. She knows it wasn’t entirely an accident.

“And if you ever try to jump off a bridge again, I’ma kill you.”

I nod. She kisses me again.

“These kisses don’t mean...”

Another kiss.

“I forgive you yet.”

Another kiss.

“Tonight could be the end of it.”

I open my mouth and let her tongue in with the next one.

“I just want our maybe last sex to be less shitty than the memories you tried to leave me with last time.”

I lean back, determined to win over the pony who can make my heart skip with just her lips.

“No more kissing then. We’ll save it for the makeup sex.”

“There might not be-”

I shake my head.

“I’m not leaving that mountain until there is. I’d rather starve than waste another life on love that isn’t coming.”

She shakes her head.

“You’re crazy.”

“Crazy about you.”

She forces her lips against mine to shut up the cheesy lines.

“S’the best kinda crazy.”

I lean back and spread my legs for her.

“It’s the last month of crazy.”

Her hoof slips between my legs, and I close them to trap it there.

“Yeah?”

I pull up her hoof and breathe every word onto it before licking it.

“I’m tired of crazy.”

She nods and plants one last kiss on my lips.

“I got one of your dresses here you never came by to pick up. It’s not washed, but it should do if you wanna get fancy for the shower.”

I shake my head. It’s informal. Didn’t she read the invitation?

“Read the- I dunno. It’s someplace. I wasn’t sure if I was gonna go or not.”

I roll my eyes. Rarity would be heartbroken if she didn’t.

“Yeah well. Babies and stuff, right? Not exactly my thing.”

“It’s not about your thing, or my thing. It’s about making a friend feel safer about a life changing decision.”

She tilts her head for a minute and smiles. She kisses me and wraps me into a hug.

“Yeah. My Twilight’s still in there alright.”

I smile and snuggle into her chest at the mention of “her” Twilight. I want to be that.

She wings me down to Ponyville at a heart racing speed. We zip through my Library home to pick up the crafter’s convention tickets. They’ll make a good peace offering for my apology. On the way through, I decide to grab a quick shower. Dash sighs, but I know I’ve broken a fever today. I’m sweaty, I need to manage some water, and I need to think about a proper apology for Rarity. A shower will give me all three.

“No excuses to her, alright?”

I nod and shampoo my mane.

“Being sick counts as an excuse.”

I shake my head and open my mouth to answer. A mouthful of soapy water leaves me sputtering.

“No excuses! That’s the universe telling you!”

I sigh and spit. When I’ve cleared out the taste, I turn back to her. She’s leaning against my glass shower door. The spread of her haunches is right there. I push myself against the other side of the glass.

“I was totally out of it. I don’t even remember it.”

“That’s an excuse! You meant what you said when you said it, and you know it.”

I can take a hint. She’s trying to tell me how to form my apology later tonight. I don’t even know how I’ll go about that. If she’s giving me the chance, aren’t I already in?

I can’t leave that to chance though. She has every reason to actually think about herself this time around. If I can just test the water.

“Dash-”

She turns around and sees me pressing against the glass. Two steps backward create space between us.

“Not yet, Twi. Don’t start that here.”

I wash out my mane and slide the door to the side.

“Dash...”

“Huh?”

I know she’s following my bottom as I step over to pick up my towel, and I accidentally drop it.

She gulps audibly from across the bathroom.

“I... Twi...”

I know it’s hard for her. I was weak once. I sympathise.

“It’s ok. You can touch. It doesn’t have to mean anything. You deserve it.”

She races forward and grips my haunches. I can feel them squish in her hooves. I wiggle my butt again in her hooves, and she lets out a perverse sigh and mashes my haunches together.

“I hoofed it to these so many times, Twi... You have no idea. After we broke up, I couldn’t stop... You were...”

I motion with my head to the dildo in my shower.

“All you could get off to? I know.”

“All it did was make me feel worse”

I nod.

“Always. I always felt worse after, too.”

She nods behind me and steps back. I towel off, and we head out the door to Rarity’s home. As I lock up, she checks the street to make sure that it’s empty, and kisses me. I tilt my head and take the kiss. I don’t care who sees it anymore. If I can have her, it’s worth losing respect. Anypony who hates what we’ve worked this hard for doesn’t deserve my company.

I take the kiss, and I let her tongue back into my mouth. She sighs and eases her hooves back to my haunches. I flex them, and she squeezes harder. A cool summer breeze blows, and I melt into her body.

It’s all the worse knowing tonight might not go well enough for her. Every act feels like it might be the last one. I aim to make sure it isn’t. I ease her hooves off my haunches. I want her to make the choice in clear conscience, but I also want her to know that she’s getting the whole package this time, not just sex.
Behind me, Dash lags to take one last long look at my body before we join ponies in public. She tucks her wings back against her body and looks up at the sky as we stop walking.

“Twi, I really hope you don’t screw it up tonight.”

I swallow as we reach Rarity’s door.

“Me too.”