Written by ed2481

The unexpected sound of birds singing and trilling filled his ears and the man’s eyes fluttered open slowly.  He groaned and moved a hand up to shade his sight from the bright beams of sunlight that were currently trying to slice their way into his brainpan with vengeful knives of hate!

The light was almost bright enough to make him believe that he’d somehow made his way back to the fucking Mojave! Of course how he would’ve made that trip without remembering how he got there could mean only one of two things. One, he’d gotten so blackout drunk that he’d somehow managed to walk there all by his lonesome. Or two, he’d gotten drunk and convinced Elliot to drop him off there.

That’s when the man noticed something, even though the sunlight was bright, the temperature was all wrong. When you were outside in the Mojave you could feel the beads of sweat as they flowed down your back and you quickly became a salty piece of jerky if you weren’t careful about how much water you drank. Here the air was temperate, not too hot and not too cold.

The birds were another clue; there were only crows and vultures in the Mojave, nothing that made the type of sounds that the birds around him were making. So… that ruled out the Mojave; maybe he was in Oasis.

“Well I guess I’ve spent enough time lying here contemplating my own navel, time to see where the fuck I am.” the man muttered as he sat up.

Up to now he’d been keeping his eyes closed to block out the bright sunlight, but now he opened them.

He was currently sitting in the middle of a lush green garden.  Evergreens, conifers, flower beds, hedges, and even some nice green honest-to-God grass sprawled around him. The garden was obviously manicured within an inch of its green chlorophyll-filled life and the man felt a tiny smile flit across his face.  He’d always appreciated it when someone in the Wasteland took the time to care for the greenery.  Too often he’d come across debilitated gardens full of burnt wee-

His thought process ground to a halt as he noticed the other things that currently surrounded him.  They resembled the small horses that he remembered from one of the books in the Vault...except for the fact that they were wearing suits of golden armor, wielded swords, and several appeared to have either a horn or a pair of wings.

There were at least thirty of them standing around him with expressions of perplexed bewilderment on their faces.  The man’s hand immediately began to dart for the comforting hilt of his shock sword, but he stopped mid gesture knowing that that could be interpreted as a sign of aggression.

Considering that he was only wearing his leather duster and his black leather pants along with his combat boots, he didn’t exactly feel like starting an unnecessary fight.  Not that he wouldn’t win the fight should it break out, because he knew that he would.  It was mostly because he’d long ago made a rule about randomly killing people who didn’t attack him first.  So instead of beginning a brawl he just did what naturally came to mind first.

“Sup?” He asked with a small smile as he pulled himself to his feet.  That set off a rapid flood of whispers throughout the crowd of soldiers.  The man rolled his eyes.  “English motherfuckers, do you speak it?” he asked.  He’d always wanted to use that, ever since he’d read it in a book.

The horses stared at him in shock, their mouths were now hanging open and the man swore that he saw one eat a bug.

“Well I suppose that that answers that fucking question, so how much damage did I cause and how many caps is it going to take to keep me out of jail this time?” he snapped.  The response he got was far from enlightening.

“Wha-what are you?”  One of the soldiers, one with a plumed helmet and a red mane, asked.

“I’m an extremely sexy man, what about you?” The man asked with a smirk.

“I’m a unicorn.” The unicorn said confidently.  It seemed that his confidence had rallied and now he was ready to talk.

“Well that’s fan-fucking-tastic!” Ethan said with a wide smile. “I’ve only ever read about you guys, I thought you’d be taller though.” he added with a slight frown.

“Bwa- what?” The unicorn asked in confusion.

“Well I always thought that if I ever met a unicorn then he or she’d be big enough for me to ride into battle as he or she dramatically gored a raider with their horn.” the man explained.  “But I guess that’s not going to happen so I’ll have to make do with talking short unicorns.” he added with a slight sigh.  The guard with the plumed helmet had paled, an impressive feat considering that his coat was already white, and his eyes narrowed.

“None of us will be doing anything like that.” The guard said; his voice was full of disgust.

“Okie-dokie then, whatever floats your boat mister unicorn.” The man said with a smirk.

“My name is Sergeant Ember, not mister unicorn.” The unicorn told the man, who simply chuckled.

“Your parents must’ve been pretty damn smart if they knew to name you Sergeant when you were born, that or they had a really odd way of naming their children.” Ethan replied with a grin. “Is your brother named Major Spark, or General Flame?”

The unicorn’s teeth ground together audibly and it took all of his control to keep from launching a fireball at the creature before him. This wasn’t helped by the light chuckles that drifted through the crowd behind him.

“No, he is not. What is your name?” Sergeant Ember asked through gritted teeth.

“Depends on who you ask, but you can call me Ethan, Ethan Smith.” Ethan replied with a grin.

“I see, and what is your purpose in Equestria, Ethan Smith?” Sergeant Ember asked through still-gritted teeth.

“Oh you know the usual, get drunk and kill things.” Ethan replied offhandedly with a shrug.

Sergeant Ember’s snarl as he swung his sword--which was held aloft in a thin red light at Ethan’s head--made Ethan chuckle as he drew his own sword up in time to parry the blow.

“You’re one of those people who joined the army because they didn’t have enough of a sense of humor to do anything else aren’t you?” Ethan asked with a smirk as he and the Sergeant traded blows.

The Sergeant just scowled at him, his face a mask of angry concentration. The guards had formed a circle around the two combatants and were noisily cheering.  It was difficult to tell exactly who they were cheering for, but Ethan thought that they were mostly just enjoying themselves.  They stepped back and forth thrusting and swinging at each other for several minutes.  Ethan was effortlessly parrying all but the craftiest swings with ease, Sergeant Ember barely holding his own against the man. The guards kept up their cheering until they all suddenly fell silent.

“STOP!” A new and authoritative voice shouted, making Ethan pause mid swing.  A white-coated blue-maned stallion stomped through the circle of guards and, to the human’s surprise, Ethan suddenly found himself suspended in the air in a tiny bubble covered in small holes.  Sergeant Ember was floating across from him in a bubble of his own.

Shining Armor had been in the middle of a very romantic meeting with Cadence when one of his guards had started banging on his door and shouting about how some strange creature had been found in the castle garden. And now he was here and he’d just had to break up a duel between the odd creature and one of his best sergeants.  To say that he was angry would be a slight understatement.

“Wow you’re not very good at the whole sword fighting thing are you?” Ethan asked Sergeant Ember as he leaned back into the bubble’s side. “I mean, I’ve gotten more out of breath having sex than I did fighting you.” he chuckled.

“I’m going to lock you up in a dark cell!” Sergeant Ember shouted angrily.

Shining groaned internally.  This was going to be a long day, and he had the feeling that he was going to have fill out a lot of paperwork before it was over... Next Chapter: Garden Wandering Estimated time remaining: 42 Minutes