Author’s Note: Okay, I think I figured out how this is going to work. I’m just going to take the simplest route and go on a level by level basis. Now, this of course means that some chapters might be shorter than others unless I decided to throw you guys a curve ball, but we’ll see what happens. So, for this next chapter, we’ll be going through the first arrival in Windy up to the beginning of Barn Boys.

CHAPTER 2

While more interesting things were going on over in the Windy Territory, a scientist riding in a floating chair in one of the many towers of the Blueblood estate was flitting about his laboratory in a panic. He was a splotchy grey unicorn wearing a white lab coat, but more notably he was missing both of his hind legs and had some kind of mechanical casing welded to his head. On his flank was a mark of a brain being sliced up by a scalpel.

Long story short, he was not the kind of pony one would enjoy looking at.

His name was Professor Frontal Lobotomy or Professor Lobe for short. Prince Blueblood, after finishing his little temper tantrum, immediately requested that the Professor be summoned to his chambers. The Professor hovered about, checking all of his readings, as well as his coat pockets, to ensure that he was good and ready to meet with the prince.

“Ah… have I got everything, have I got everything…” he prattled in a Germarenic accent.

“Ah, must hurry, you know vat he’s like, you know vat he’s like…” The Professor finally composed himself, exited his lab, and proceeded to the throne room, pausing outside the door.

“Make a good entrance… zis could be important…!” He pushed open the doors and hovered into the throne room proper. The guards stood at attention like always, although two of them were wincing slightly, their ears still ringing from Blueblood’s outburst. Blueblood stopped staring into space and leveled his gaze at the Professor.

“Ah, Professor. Welcome.” He greeted. The Professor, lacking the ability to bow for obvious reasons, gave a respectful nod of his head.

“I have summoned you to assist me in a task of the HIGHEST importance.” Blueblood stated dramatically.

“Yes, of course, zire! And what is it that I may have the honor of helping you with today?” The Professor asked. Blueblood motioned to the wooden table at his side.

“As you can see… the table.” The Professor looked over and nodded again.

“Ze table, ah yes! So, you’ve broken ze mirror again? Ah, zat’s not gut, not gut.” He shook his head, shaking his chair back and forth at the same time for emphasis.

“Let me have a look for you.” He hovered over to the table and used the monocular strapped to his head to examine it closely.

“Hmm, yes. I think I see the problem.” He retreated back to his previous position.

“I vill see vat I can do. You must give me a moment, though. I will come back later.” The Professor gave a small wave and began to hover back towards the doors.

“Don’t take too long, Professor.” Blueblood suddenly stated. The Professor felt a slight chill at his words and turned back to face him.

“A-ah, I vill be as quick as I can, sire!” He reassured, turning around once again.

“Because you know what happened… last time.” Blueblood said threateningly. The Professor felt a greater chill than before and turned around again.

“O-oh, he, only too well, only too well… I vill go now!” The Prince leaned forward and gave the most threatening stare he could muster, lowering his voice as well.

“I don’t want to have to get the DUCT TAPE out again.” For a split second, The Professor froze in absolute terror as memories of duct tape induced horrors flooded back into his mind.

He quickly snapped back to reality and replied “Yes. I-I mean no. I don’t want you to get the duct tape out again. Uh… good bye.” He turned around for the last time, finally leaving the throne room.

I WONDER IF HE TAPES THEIR BUTT CHEEKS TOGETHER LIKE IN THE BREAKFAST CLUB…

The Professor paced around his lab, (as well as one could pace, lacking hind legs) mumbling angrily to himself.

“Duct tape… I’ll give him a duct tape… bucking flankhole. I’ll come down here; I’ll show him where to stuff it!” He rambled on, flailing his arms around. “Stupid bucker. All I do all day is try to sort his stupid bucking problems out! Flankhole, I bucking hate that bucker…” He sighed and regained his composure.

“Anyway, vat ver ve?” He hovered over to his work table, where his most recent invention, the anti-gravity chocolate, floated in the air.

“Uh… let’s see, ze mirror, ze mirror, ze table, ze table… Vat shall ve do vit dis?!” The Professor rubbed his temples in frustration.

“Uh… okay. Clean slate, clean slate, ja.” He observed his floating confection.

“Anti-gravity chocolate…? Eh, it’s kinda working.” He shrugged.

“Yah, zat’ll do, zat’ll do, out the bucking vindow with zat.” He smacked the hovering chocolate out the open window.

FLYING CHOCOLATE INBOUND…

The Professor must have smacked that chocolate rather hard, because it flew from the laboratory window in Canterlot all the way down to the Windy Territory, landing conveniently right in front of Lazy Days as he emerged from the waterfall grotto. Days, initially startled by the falling confection, approached it slowly.

Well, it came out of nowhere and it’s floating for some reason. But I did skip breakfast… Days thought. He was about to take a bite out of it, when suddenly Pinkie Pie emerged once again from the soil, coming up right under the chocolate and gobbling it up like a hungry shark. She sat down on her haunches and chewed contently.

“Pinkie! I was gonna eat that!” Days complained. Pinkie finished chewing and swallowed, giving a contented sigh.

“Ahh… sorry, Lazy! Mister Author told me to do that. Something about “not wanting to write in a life-bar” or something.” She shrugged.

“What does that even…? Ugh. Never mind. I’ll find something resembling breakfast later.” Days marched down the little hill as Pinkie retracted back into the ground, probably to pop up again sometime later in the story. He glanced around his surroundings to get a sense of what was what and what was where. He saw a large bee hovering around a wooden platform to his right, seemingly crying. Up the hill to his left, he could see a large honeycomb jutting out of a rocky wall.

Not wanting to get involved in local affairs, he crept past the bee and over the bridge, stopping at the bottom of another hill. On this hill were several stumps, upon which rested several large insects curled into balls.

As Days got closer, two of the bugs, clearly beetles of some sort, raised their heads to look at him.

“Alright, who’s dis?” The first one asked the second.

“Looks like one o’ dem ponies. Don’t see those around here too often.”

“Reckon we should get down there and kick the shit outta’ him.”

“Ah, wait till he comes up here, alright.”

“Ok, den, ya.” Both beetles retracted back into their ball-like states. Days looked up at the two of them.

“Guys? I’m standing right here. I could everything you just said.” The beetles ignored him. Days realized that he wasn’t going to get up there with his butt intact without a little help. Conveniently enough, there was a Pinkie Pad at the foot of the hill. He stood on top of it and, like before, gathered his thoughts to contact the Author.

“Author guy? Those beetles are gonna kick my flank. Can you help?”

Eh… Nah.

“Thanks a lot, I-” Days stopped mid-sentence. “What? What do you mean “nah”? You said you’d help me!”

I said I would if I felt like it. And here’s the thing, bro: I’m getting the distinct impression that your heart’s not in this as much as it should be.

“Good impression. If I had a choice, I’d rather not be here. But at the moment, I need to get up there, so how can I convince you to help me?”

Get some money.

“Money? Why? I’m not paying you to help me. And even if I wanted to, I’m not exactly sure how to pay a disembodied voice.”

You don’t need to pay me. But in order to get around this dump, you may need to grease a few palms, if you know what I mean. So, like it or not, you’re gonna need some cash, and it wouldn’t be sporting to just give it to you. Go make some bits, then we’ll talk.

Choking down a series of naughty words, Days broke his connection with the author and crossed the bridge again. Seeing the crying bee thing again, he decided to ask if she needed some help. Help that would, hopefully, garner a reward of some sort.

“Uh, excuse me.” Days greeted, walking up to the crying insect. The bee, who upon closer inspection was wearing a large crown on its head, hovered over to Days, it’s constant stream of tears unpleasantly showering over him.

“Oh, those nasty, nasty wasps. Whatever shall we do? My beautiful hive is gone! And I’ll never see it again now…” The bee, now identifiable as a female, blubbered.

Already not loving where this is going. Days thought to himself.

“That’s a real shame ma’am. Is there anything I could do to help?”

“Oh, Mr. Pony! Could you please go and get it back for us? Otherwise I don’t know what we’re going to do!” She asked, slurring the end slightly from her crying.

“Sure, I think I can do that. Where is it?” Days asked. The bee motioned towards the sign.

“Oh, just follow the signs.” She replied. She then returned to hovering aimlessly around the wooden platform, mumbling to herself. Days quickly backed away from the moving splash zone and proceeded towards the opposite hill with the honeycomb.

This shouldn’t be a problem. Days thought confidently. I’ve seen Fluttershy handle wasps before. How hard could it be?
He reached the top of the hill and saw the bee queen’s hive sitting in the middle of the honeycomb wall.

“Hello?” Days shouted, “is anyone home?” In response, three very large wasps flew out of the hive and glared at him menacingly.

“Yeah? What do you want?” The lead one asked him.

“U-uh,” Days stammered, “I wanted to ask you for the bee’s hive back. They really need it you see, and, uh…” The wasps began to hover towards him, their large stingers glistening dangerously in the sunlight.

“Yeah? That so? And what if we tell you fuck off and get your own hive?” Days was starting to become extremely worried, but stood his ground nonetheless.

“I-I, (gulp) came to take that hive back, and I won’t take no for an answer.” Faster than he could have noticed, the three wasps had surrounded him, their stingers each aimed at his vital points. He was trapped.

“You won’t take “no”, huh? How about you take “die”?”

I really don’t like insects. Was the last thing Days thought.

STAB!

OH, I THINK YOU ALL KNOW WHAT’S COMING NEXT…

In a dark, foreboding chamber, the unconscious form of Lazy Days laid. The chamber was only composed of several pillars holding torches, a floor littered with bones and cobwebs, and a large, dark corridor. Beyond these features, spread a void of infinite blackness, the sounds of pained moaning faint in the distance.

From the total silence suddenly rose a powerful and terrible voice.

“LAZY DAYS… LAZY DAYS… YES, YOU, BOY!” As the voice boomed, a menacing shadow spread across the ground. In response to the high volume, Days began to stir from his sudden unconsciousness.

“YOU ARE DEAD! DEADER THAN A DODO! DEADER THAN A-” A loud static began to interfere with the voice.

“DEADER than a-” The voice suddenly shifted drastically to an extremely high-pitched grumble as a small cloaked humanoid skeleton holding a sickle and a megaphone emerged from the dark passageway. He shook the electric device a few times and threw it over his shoulder.

“I can’t be arsed with this bloody ridiculous contraption. Whose idea was this anyway?” He asked no one in particular as the device’s static whine faded behind him. He quickly made his way over to Days, who snapped to attention, wondering what had happened.

“Right. Hello. My name’s Gregg. The… Grim Reaper. And don’t laugh.”

“Huh. I, uh, guess I assumed you’d be a little more threatening. And taller.”

“Well, how many Grim Reapers have you met before, mate? What am I supposed to look like?” Days raised his hoof to make a counter-point, but quickly lowered it.

“Fair enough.” A large scroll appeared in front of Gregg and he began skimming it.

“Right. Let’s see here. Ah, yes. Lazy Days. Species?”

“Uh, Equestrian unicorn pony?” He replied shakily.

“Equestrian unicorn po-” Gregg stopped mid-sentence and face-palmed.

“Oh, bloody hell; you can’t just be a normal pony or a normal unicorn, can you? You just have to be one of those Equestrians…” Days tilted his head.

“There some kind of problem with that?”

“Well, yes there is, actually. Your one of these “special cases”, and one of the most annoying ones at that! Even worse than those bloody cats and squirrels!” Gregg gave a low sigh and continued. “You see, because you Equestrians have a bloody GOD for a ruler, she gets the say on how death works for you. And do you know what she tells us? You damn ponies are only allowed to truly die at your proper time! No accidents allowed! And if a pony does die by accident, I have to get up off of MY arse and bring you back! Where’s the satisfaction in that?!”

Days, strangely unfazed by this news, gave a small smile.

“Cool. So I’m not dead?” Gregg continued grumbling and shaking his head, hand firmly placed on his face.

“No, you bloody smart-arse, you’re not dead. Not yet anyway.” Gregg looked up. “But if you get any smart ideas about trying to abuse this little loophole, I’ll be sure to bring you back to life with your genitals missing!”

Days cringed at the mere thought and nodded.

“Got it, Mr. Gregg. Message received. I’ll try not to die.” Gregg turned around and began walking back towards the dark corridor.

“Yeah, yeah, just get out of my domain, you little prick. I’m busy.” Right before he vanished into the darkness, he shouted one last time.

“And if you see that bloody god-princess of yours, tell her I called her a bitch!” As Gregg disappeared into the black void, a large skeletal hand reached down and grabbed days by the scruff of his neck, pulling him back to the world of the living.

ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR GREGG, EVERYONE!...

The astral hand dropped days back at the sign between the bee territory and the wasp territory. He quickly remembered his current predicament and returned to the wasp hive. The bee hive still sat where it had before, but instead of shouting out, Days simply walked up and grabbed it with his magic, then proceeded to run as fast as he could back to the queen bee.

Normally, I’m against stealing, but 1: they stole it first, and 2: they KILLED me. I think I’m entitled to a little grab n’ go.

Hearing his footsteps, the three wasps from before flew out of the honeycomb just in time to see Days making off with the bee hive.

“Hey! That guy’s trying to steal our nice new hive!” one shouted.

“Let’s get him!” Another shouted.

“Yeah! Let’s get him!” the third agreed.

They trailed close behind him, trying to impale him with their stingers, but narrowly missing each time. Eventually, Days made it back to the wooden panel and tossed the hive onto it. The queen bee looked at it and smiled as it opened up, revealing a large gun turret. The queen took her place inside it and aimed the guns at the wasps. The wasps, realizing the turning of the tables, froze in place. Days mustered the most evil smirk he could and gave a little wave of his hoof.

“Bye-bye.”

The turret barrels erupted with hot lead, piercing the first wasp, then the second, and finally the third as he tried to escape.

The queen exited the hive. “Oh, thank you, Mr. Pony! None of this would have happened if it weren’t for that no-good husband of mine. He’s gone off with another woman!”

“Ah, that um, sucks.” Days responded, his posture visibly shaky as he wished she would just cut to the chase so he could leave.

“Anyway,” The queen resumed, “as a reward for your good service to the bee community, I present you with this.” She said, turning to the hive. From behind the hive, a small set of eyes peeked out, shortly followed by a small, bouncing sack of bits.

“Somebody call for me?” The sack jingled.

Days normally would have freaked out at the sight of a talking sack of money, but he was exhausted and irritated, so he deemed said freak out for another day, and grabbed the sack in his teeth, placing it in his hammerspace pocket.

Nothing like a little scratch to make a near-death (minus the near) experience sort of kind of a little bit worth it.

The queen returned to her hive and began to scan the area. Having dealt with her enough for now, Days crossed the bridge yet again and stood on the Pinkie Pad.

“Okay, I got the money. I also sort of died, but I’m assuming you don’t particularly care about that part.”

You’re right, I don’t. Nice work. Looks like you know how to make money for yourself after all. Here you go.

The usual hole in space opened up and a large slingshot popped out. Days was dumbfounded.

“A slingshot? I just DIED for a SLINGSHOT?!”

Oh, get over it you big baby.

Days simply grumbled again and grabbed the primitive weapon with his magic. Using a small pile of nearby rocks for an ammo source, he took aim at the beetles. With one shot, he woke one up and pissed it off. With another, he killed it. He repeated this until all of the beetles were no more.

“Ethics can go suck a horn. I’m not in the mood for this.” He mumbled to himself.

He galloped up the hill and took a look at the two passageways, one carved out of a tree, the other carved out of… something brown.

“UGH! WHOA! That is a smell if ever there was one!” He said, backing away from the brown passage. He turned to the tree. Anything was better than the other option after all.

Author’s note: Man, I am just the WORST at fast releases, aren’t I? Though, in my defense, I was legitimately busy with other junk this time. Seriously. Still, I know it’s not a good policy to get something out every two weeks. I’ve been the reader in that situation, and I know it’s annoying. I’ll try to push myself to get stuff done faster.

Oh, and a couple of side notes. In case anyone is wondering, the little death gimmick I introduced here will definitely be used for future jokes. Also, if you didn't notice, non-pony characters are still cursing normally. Only pony characters will use "ponified" curse words. Everyone else is still swearing like sailors.

(Can someone give me a heads up if I need to increase the rating? I'm just a little unsure about that.)

Comments are always appreciated!