Author’s Note: Okay, so. Before we begin, let’s get a few tidbits out of the way.

1. If the name didn’t tip you off, this is sort of a ponified take on the N64 game Conker’s Bad Fur Day, with my OC, Lazy Days, as the main character. You don’t need to have played the game to read this, but it would certainly help. The same goes for my first story introducing Lazy Days.

2. I say “sort of” because while the over-arching plotlines and stuff will be more or less the same, liberties will be taken to try and keep things fresh.

3. This is a big one: Only two important ponies will die. Now, don’t take that to mean that absolutely nothing will die, just no important/likeable ponies. I might increase the rating later on, but we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.

4. Oh, on the subject of death, for all fans of the game, don’t worry. Gregg will definitely be making a couple of appearances. It wouldn’t be the same without him, right?

5. There will be no Berri equivalent/love interest, mostly because A, I’m kinda bad at writing female characters, and B, I REALLY don’t want any Mane6XOC going on here. That’s not my style, nor my forte.

6. Like the game on which it’s based, there will be fourth wall breaking. Like, a lot of it. Though, considering this is a story and not a video game, I’ve concocted a few little changes to Conker’s context-sensitive system.

I think that covers everything. If I think of anything else important, I’ll bring it up somewhere down the road. So, without further ado…

LAZY DAYS’ BAD MANE DAY

CHAPTER 1

In the little town of Ponyville, Equestria, the sun was setting and the business district was winding down. All of the ponies were closing up their stands, eager to get home and eat dinner. However, in the humble mattress store of Sleep Sculptors, Lazy Days the unicorn and his best friend Full Charge the pegasus were locked in an epic conflict.

It was a hoof wrestling match for the ages, with the loser having to buy dinner for the winner. Charge had been feeling especially cocky that day, so he told Days that he could use his unicorn magic instead of his hoof if he wanted to. Charge had his hoof firmly placed on the counter, and Days grabbed it with his magic, covering it in a faint red glow.

That was about ten minutes ago. Charge was certainly no earth pony, but for a pegasus, he was rather beefy, giving Days’ magic quite a lot to deal with. For ten whole minutes they were locked in place, Days focusing as hard as he could to floor his friend’s hoof. Both ponies were gradually starting to wear out.

“C’mon, Charge,” Days panted, “That all you got? I can taste that veggie burger already!”

“No way, broski,” Charge countered, “You’re gonna buy me my salad, and you’re going to like it!”

With his magic on the brink, Days had to think of a way to get Charge to drop his focus. It didn’t take very long to think of something.

“Oh my Celestia, Charge, look! A giant robot is attacking Ponyville!” Days shouted, pointing to the window with his hoof.

“Buh? Where?! WHERE?!” Charge quickly glanced out the window, causing his muscles to loosen, followed by his hoof promptly being slammed to the counter by Days’ magic.

“Aw, dammit!” Charge cursed. Days jumped up and started doing a little victory dance, while shouting obnoxiously.

“OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHH! What NOW, hater?!” Charge simply grunted and headed towards the door.

“Yeah, yeah, just tell me what you want.”

“Veggie burger combo from the diner.” Days replied. Charge gave a reluctant nod and ventured out to retrieve the food, returning a few minutes later with a paper bag in his mouth. He dropped it onto the counter and said his farewells to Days, leaving the store again to go home.

Days grabbed the bag with his magic and took it into the back room of the store. In this room there were usually a variety of tools and other assorted chotchkies to assist Days in his mattress making. Today was different, however. Instead of his usual metallic clutter, the workbench held a medium sized chemistry set, along with several soggy mattress sample squares. In a rather odd turn of events, no one had come into the shop that day to ask for something sleep-related. Days had heard that Twilight Sparkle had a cold that day, so he attributed the unnatural peace to that.

Without any jobs to work on, Days finally had a rare chuck of free time to work on his secret project, something that, if perfected, he theorized could change the face of mattresses as Equestria knew it, not to mention make him a ton of bits.

He set his dinner down to the side and began studying his most recent mixtures and the samples that resulted from them. The long and short of it was this: Days was developing a kind of super-plush mattress that would be able to conform to the body of the pony sleeping in it, resulting in a much more comfortable night’s sleep. He had considered calling it “Tempur-pedic”, but discarded the name because he thought it sounded stupid.

As he checked his chemicals, he took a small bite of his veggie burger. It had been a long day, with his Pinkie Pie-developed energy drink having long since worn off, so he needed some food to keep him going through the night. He lifted the burger up with his teeth; his magic occupied by beakers, and bit a little bit off. This was a rather bad idea, considering he had done that right over his experiments. The burger fell from his mouth and landed right in one of the larger beakers, dissolving in it and turning it a strange blue color. Though thoroughly annoyed by his clumsy act, he stared intently at the beaker as it began to bubble and fizz.

Is it possible? He wondered, have I just discovered the key to my project through sheer accident?

Just as quickly as the mixture changed color, it suddenly turned pitch-black and caught fire.

Nnnnnnope. I think I just accidentally made an explosive.

He was right. He had. A rather volatile one.

BADDA BOOM…

An explosion could be heard for miles around Ponyville. Mind you, it actually wasn’t a particularly powerful explosion. It was just really, really loud. But it did happen to have just enough power to launch a red unicorn stallion careening through the sky and into Ponyville’s outskirts. A mother and her filly had been walking around at the time, and when the filly looked up and saw the flying figure, she turned to her mom and said:

“Look, mamma! A flying unicorn!” To which her mother replied:

“Unicorns can’t fly, sweetie. Only pegasi can.”

“But I saw him, mamma! It was a unicorn flying through the air with his tail on fire!” The mother stopped for a second, a confused look on her face, then continued walking. She turned to her daughter and remarked “Maybe we should stop going to Sugar Cube corner for a while…”

MEANWHILE…

In the aristocratic section of Equestria’s capital, Canterlot, there stood one home that was far more built up than any of the other homes in the neighborhood. There was a reason for it, though any pony you asked probably wouldn’t go as far as to call it a good reason. The reason was that this was the ancestral home of one of Canterlot’s most famous (and infamous) nobles, Prince Blueblood. In the den of his home, the Prince sat atop a homemade throne, while his guards (read: two stallions he pays to stand there and look important) held their posts by the door. A third guard entered the den with a large, extremely ornate mirror in his teeth. He ambled up to the Prince, giving a respectful bow.

“Your mirror, sire.” He said, hoofing the mirror to the Prince.

“Ah, thank you. My favorite part of the day.” The prince took hold of the mirror with his magic and began admiring himself with it. He did this every day at the same time for about a half-hour, lord knows why. When he was finished gawking at his smug face, he gently set the mirror down on a wooden table next to his throne. The table, however, was (rather blatantly) missing a leg, and the imbalance created by the mirror caused it to topple over, shattering the reflective glass. Two of the guards grimaced, knowing what was coming next, while the third simply smirked because he had remembered to wear earplugs that day.

What came next was a roar (to be honest, it was more of a shriek, but no one had the heart to tell the prince how bad he was at roaring) that shook the foundation of the house itself.

BUT ENOUGH ABOUT THAT…

Days woke up in a small crater as the sun was rising. His fur and tail were slightly singed, his muscles were aching, and he had a headache that could kill a manticore, but beyond that he was no worse for wear. He managed to sit up and look at his surroundings. He was next to a small, seemingly random patch of farmland, and a little ways in front of him he could see a waterfall. Doing some quick math in his head, based on his trajectory he could determine that he had landed in the Windy territory outside of Ponyville. He gave a low groan at this realization, and pulled himself to his hooves.

Now, before we continue, there’s something you should all know about the Windy territory. The Windy territory, named for the large windmill at the center, was pretty much the last place any pony would ever want to set hoof into. Many years ago, when Equestria’s plumbing system was created, a small zoning error caused all of the sewage pipes from Ponyville and any other nearby towns and cities to deposit their… “payloads” squarely in the Windy territory. This was bad enough, as no pony could stand the smell, but here’s a little known fact: pony fecal matter, especially a unicorn’s, contains weird magical properties. That much magic doody in one spot caused all sorts of strange changes in the Windy territory, both in the landscape and the wildlife. It was basically the Equestrian equivalent of a toxic waste dump. And Lazy Days was smack in the middle of it.

Days glanced over to the patch of farmland, and noticed there was some pony there, with their head in a large bucket of ice cream. He carefully dragged himself over to the pony and cleared his throat.

“Um… excuse me…” He started. The pony whipped its head out of the bucket, revealing it to be an earth pony mare with a poofy pink mane.

“Hey there, Lazy! Took you long enough!” Pinkie Pie shouted. Days gave a startled yelp and fell backwards. He blinked a few times to make sure he wasn’t hallucinating, and then got back on his hooves.

“Pinkie?! What are you doing?!”

“Eating ice cream.” She replied matter-of-factly. Days shook his head.

“No, I mean what are you doing here? You know we’re in the Windy territory, right? This place isn’t safe!” Pinkie gave a small giggle.

“Well, duh! I wouldn’t come here unless I had to! But I had to wait for you here!” Days was confused.

“Wait for me? You knew I was going to get blown up and shot here?” Pinkie nodded.

“Yeppy leppy! Last night I had a big Pinkie-sense combo! Dry mouth, itchy butt, twitchy tail, and ringing in my ears! That means “Lazy Days is going to get blown up, end up in Windy, and go on a big adventure to get back to Ponyville!” Days went from being to confused to being flat-out dumbfounded.

“And your Pinkie-sense told you all of that?” She nodded.

“Ooookay…” Days said, deciding to just dismiss it as Pinkie Pie being Pinkie Pie, “so can you help me? You wouldn’t happen to have any Pink Rush on you, would you?” Pinkie shook her head and put her hoof on her chin in thought.

“Well, there’s not a whole lot I can do, except introduce you to Mister Author!”

“Mister Author…?” Pinkie nodded again and turned around, pointing to a strange pad that was sitting behind her. Oddly enough, the pad had a picture of three balloons on it, the spitting image of Pinkie’s cutie mark.

“Stand on the Pinkie Pad.” Pinkie ordered. Days, still extremely confused, did as he was told and stood on the pad.

“Okay, now what?” Days asked. Pinkie walked up to him and placed her forehooves on his head.

“Now just hold still and try not to freak out on me.” She said, smiling.

“Pinkie I don’t understaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-”

I AM INTERFACED! …

Strange and horrifying visions danced in front of Lazy Days’ eyes and in his mind. He saw images of strange, bipedal primates drawing ponies, writing about ponies, creating small sculptures of ponies, and many, many more, each more strange and terrifying than the last. Days started to panic. He couldn’t move, he couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t even think straight. He thought he was going to go insane, when he suddenly snapped back to reality.

OOH, TRIPPY…

Pinkie Pie was clapping her hooves in front of Days’ face, trying to wake him up. Eventually, he started to snap out of his trance and drew in a long breath.

“I CAN SEE INTO FOREVER…” he uttered. Finally returning to full consciousness, he finished with “and it’s not that interesting, to be honest. Pinkie, what did you just do to me?”

Isn’t it obvious? She’s given you the ability to communicate beyond the fourth wall.

Days gave another yelp and looked around for the source of the disembodied voice. Pinkie gave a small huff.

“That wasn’t nice, Mister Author! You scared him!”

Ah, sorry, Pinkie. Didn’t mean to.

Days stared at Pinkie with panic in his eyes.

“Pinkie. What. Did. You. DO?” Pinkie gave another one of her trademark giggles.

“I broke a little piece of the fourth wall for you so you can talk to the author of your story! He can help you get back to Ponyville!”

“I-I… I don’t…” Days stuttered.

Perhaps it would be better to just give a demonstration.

A small hole in space opened up in front of Days, and a little bottle of pain-killers popped out, with the hole winking out of existence just as quickly as it appeared.

“See?” Pinkie started, “when you’re standing on one of my Pinkie Pads, you can ask the author for help to get out of all kinds of situations!”

Provided I’m in a good mood. Just so you know, Days, I’m doing this as a favor to Pinkie.

Days grabbed the bottle and popped the top with his magic. He took a couple of the pills and his aches quickly subsided.

“O-okay,” he stuttered defensively, “thanks, I guess.” He turned to Pinkie. “I should probably get going if I want to get back home. Celestia knows I could use a nap.” Pinkie gave a big wave.

“Good luck, Lazy Day-ze! I’m gonna hang around here for a little while and finish my ice cream.”

“You… do that. See ya, Pinkie.” Pinkie returned to pigging out while Days made his way to the waterfall and the rock path inside of the gorge. As he made his way up, he noticed a strange wooden door in the rock wall. Unfortunately, it was shut tight. Ignoring it for now, he continued up the path.

At the top was a large stone bridge, with a giant gargoyle sitting comfortably on it. Days hoped he could just pass by, a hope that was immediately shot down.

“If you think you’re getting past here, you’re wrong.” The gargoyle stated.

“Well, gee, nice to meet you too. Look, you don’t have to get up; I think I can just squeeze by…” Days started, but the gargoyle cut him off.

“Don’t even think about it. I have a comfy little butt groove going here, and I won’t have your gross little hooves messing it up.”

“Look, can’t we talk about this? I really need to get home.” Days pleaded. The gargoyle gave a small snort in response.

“Well, if you come a little closer, we could discuss things of a different nature.” Days lowered his eyelids.

“If I come over there, you’re just going to throw me off of the bridge or something.” The gargoyle gave a nod in response.

“Yes. Yes I will.” Days rolled his eyes and turned around. While the gargoyle returned to lounging, Days noticed a large lever embedded in the wall. Lacking other options, he grabbed it with his magic and yanked it down. He heard a few mechanical clicks, and the sealed door he passed before opened up. He started making his way back down.

MAN, THAT GARGOYLE’S A JERK…

As he ventured inside to explore, the door quickly snapped shut and locked behind him.

“What the…? Aw, dammit. I really don’t need this right now.” Days noticed that the door had a rather large keyhole in it, meaning that there had to be a key around somewhere. Sure enough, in the corner of the small cavern bounced a key. A key with eyes. That bounced.

I wonder if this is what it was like for Charge that one time he tried smoking Poison Joke… Days wondered to himself. Pushing that thought aside, he charged at the key with the intent to grab it with his magic. However, as the red aura surrounded the animate key, it quickly shrugged it off and made a break for it.

(Fun fact: creatures and objects mutated by the Windy territory have a natural resistance to unicorn magic. The more you know~)

After chasing the key around for a few minutes, Days collapsed to the ground, panting.

This isn’t going to work. If only I could stun him somehow.

He looked around for a blunt object to use. Conveniently, there happened to be a rack of blunt objects on a nearby wall. Deciding not to question his good luck, he grabbed a large frying pan off the rack and placed it in his pocket.

Days suddenly realized he had an invisible pocket. This was rather unusual. Suddenly, Pinkie Pie burrowed her way up from the ground, a flower sitting on her head.

“Hey, Lazy! I forgot to mention, I also gave you a free hammerspace pocket you can keep stuff in and take stuff out of!” Days could only manage a confused nod.

“Take care!” Pinkie shouted as she dug her way back underground. Deciding that has sanity was damaged enough as it was, Days didn’t question any of that, instead opting to bring the frying pan back out, brandishing it with his magic. With a precision swing, he slugged the key, knocking it over and leaving it stunned. Not sparring a moment, he ran over and grabbed the key in his mouth and brought it over to the door. He inserted the key into the slot and threw it back into the cavern to return to its wandering as the door slid open.

PINKIE SURE CAN DIG HOLES…

Days returned to the stone bridge, brandishing the frying pan. He faced the gargoyle with rage-filled eyes. He ran up and smacked the stone creature as hard as he could with the frying pan. This, unsurprisingly, did absolutely nothing. The gargoyle stood up and began laughing.

“Ha! A frying pan! I can’t believe it! You stupid bastard!” Days took a few cautionary steps back. In his fervor, the gargoyle shifted his weight too far to the left and promptly fell, screaming, off of the bridge, shattering at the bottom and shaking the entire cavern. The vibrations jostled a few rocks from the ceiling, causing them to land right in front of the exit. Days gave another exasperated sigh, and then noticed a wooden platform near the fallen rocks. With a few well-placed jumps, he made his way up and saw the Pinkie Panel sitting there. He stood on it and collected his thoughts.

“Uh… hello? Author-guy?”

Yes?

“AHH! Oh! Um… hi?”

Make it quick, bro. I’ve got things to do.

“Right, sorry. So, the exit here is blocked by some big-flank rocks. Can you help me?”

No problem. Here.

The hole in space opened again and spat out a demolitions plunger.

“A plunger and TNT. This… will work.” Days smirked and pressed the plunger down. Faster than you can say “Parasprite polka”, the rocks exploded into dust.

“Woah!” Days shouted, impressed. “That certainly did it.”

He jumped from the platform and entered the pathway leading out of the waterfall cavern.

Explosions, gargoyles, and some kinda alien talking to me in my head. Eyup… it’s gonna be one of those days…

Author’s Note: Alright! First chapter done, and in record time for me. Woot-skies. Remember, comments are always appreciated!