Third person, Canterlot streets:

The group huddled together in fear as the changelings surrounded them. One of the changelings lept at them but then there was a thundering chugging sound and the changeling simply exploded into a mess of green blood and guts.

The blood and guts splashed over the group and Rarity screamed in disgust. The thundering chugging continued and the group started to wonder what exactly was happening. Changelings would burst apart like they were filled with explosives. One changeling screeched in fear but its head exploded then its body soon followed.

Brass casings fell to a human’s feet as the chugging continued and changelings burst apart as they scurried away from the onslaught.

The changelings that managed to escape the onslaught fled Canterlot completely, in fear of whatever the hell just blew their buddies apart. A burning cigar hit the ground by the feet of the human and his black combat boots stomped out the cigar.

“Bastards, come back to let Black Betty finish you off” said a drunken Russian voice. “Danko!” Applejack exclaimed. She, along with the others, had met Danko during Clare’s funeral. “Yeah who else?” he said in a drunken tone as smoke emulated from the end of the massive machinegun barrel.

“Jesus… what the hell are you doing here?” Rainbow Dash asked and Danko shrugged. “I had date with pretty woman but she stood me up. So I had to buy other sexy woman… actually she is sexy mare but I don’t care… sometimes I wish that vodka and I were married than I wouldn’t have to pay for her” Danko said in a comically drunk voice.

“Wait… you were at the saloon to… date vodka?” Dash asked curiously and Danko nodded. “Well yeah, haven’t you ever had date with… (Burp) vodka before?” he asked and Rainbow Dash simply sighed.

“Corporal Danko, we” Celestia began but Danko cut her off. “Oh no, it’s lieutenant now, they promoted me” Danko said proudly. “Right… Danko we need to reach the castle and I was wondering if you’d care to escort us there?” Celestia asked and Danko nodded. “Alright, just let me get drink first” Danko said then stumbled back into the saloon.

Moments later he exited the saloon with multiple whiskey bottles stuffed in his coat. He poured some whiskey on some bite marks on his arm. “Danko, what happened?” Fluttershy asked worriedly. “Flying insect crashed through saloon wall and bit me… he spilt my wine then tried to eat me so I snapped its neck like a chicken” Danko replied then he remembered the mare’s love for animals. “Oh sorry… I meant… I break its neck like bottle neck” Danko said then snapped the neck of the whiskey bottle with his thumb.

The bottle now had a sharp jagged edge to it but that didn’t stop Danko from drinking out of the whiskey bottle. “Come my little ponies… let’s go to castle… maybe my baby vodka is there” Danko said and they all paced towards the castle while Danko stumbled along drunkenly.

They reached the castle and the front doors were locked with chains, a dark cloud seemed to be originating from the castle and was quickly blotting out the sun from shining down upon Canterlot.

“Hurry, we have to find a way inside” Rarity said frantically. Twilight tried to blast off the chains but they were very sturdy and resistant to magic. “Ha stupid chains” Danko said and simply kicked the doors down. The chains held the doors together but the doors’ hinges broke off and the doors smashed to the ground. “Ladies first… oh wait… I am only man, okay… you first” Danko said and pointed to Rarity.

“Why thank you my fair sir, you are a true gentleman” Rarity said as she stepped gracefully into the castle but soon zipped back out in a hurry. “No-no, man with gun first” Rarity said frantically and Danko looked inside to see a swarm of changelings inside, ready for any-pony or anyone who entered. But they weren’t ready for a drunken Russian Spetsnaz soldier with an M2 .50 caliber machinegun.

Danko entered the through the doorway and the wings of the changelings buzzed as they got ready to attack. “Okay Betty, do your thing” Danko said as he began to fire the massive machinegun.

The mighty .50 caliber rounds tore through any changeling that got in the bullets’ path. Changelings began to splatter against the walls and floors, staining the once clean hallways with the blood and guts of the changelings.

“I don’t know about you… but I’m not eating what you’re cooking Betty” Danko said to his gun as he continued to fire it. Spent casings fell to the floor and cluttered about. The mighty machinegun continued to chug until every last changeling was destroyed by the M2 machinegun.

Danko lifted the barrel up and blew away the smoke. “Oh yeah baby, that’s what I’m talking about” Danko commented
then reloaded the mighty machinegun and continued on through the hallways of the castle. Changelings had gotten smart and no longer patrolled the hallways of the castle. Instead they hid in the shadows and waited for the Russian man and the group of ponies to pass.

They reached the throne room and Danko booted down the door. In the throne room sat Sombra on Celestia’s throne. Chrysalis sat on his lap and Sombra stroked her ghastly mane. Solar Eclipse stood beside them like a royal guard.

In front of them lay Captain Shining Armor and Princess Cadence. Both were alive but a pool of blood had begun to formulate around Shining. “Brother!” Twilight cried and rushed forwards towards her wounded brother. “Twilight no!” Celestia ordered but as she screamed out for Twilight to stop, Solar Eclipse raised her hoof.

Electricity crackled from the end of her hoof and electrocuted Twilight. The force of the electrical shock sent Twilight hurtling backward. Smoke emulated from her body as she groaned in pain.

“As you can see my powers have nearly tripled since the last time we met” Solar Eclipse told the group. Danko stepped forwards. “And guess what?” Danko said and Solar Eclipse rolled her eyes as she heard the drunken tone of Danko’s voice. “What?” she asked reluctantly.

Danko opened a whiskey bottle and downed it. He stumbled about for a moment then steadied himself. “I want to introduce you to BLACK BETTY!” Danko said as he leveled Black Betty on Solar Eclipse.

She flew forwards and a ‘holy blade’ hilt flew into her hoof. The red blade beam shot out from the hilt opening and the blade hummed. Solar Eclipse swung the saber blade and cut the barrel off the mighty machinegun. The gun fell out of Danko’s hands in two pieces.

“You killed Betty… you bitch” Danko said and Solar Eclipse swung her blade back in preparation to execute the drunk Russian man. But as she was about to swing her blade he kicked her in the shin. Solar Eclipse howled in pain as she dropped down to all fours. She had lowered her guard and hadn’t expected the drunken man to kick her.

Danko then booted her in the lower gut and slammed his boot tip into her tits. Solar Eclipse screamed from the painful kick that had hit a very sensitive spot on her body. She staggered back and readied her blade.

“Hey horsey, do male horses have titties to?” Danko asked and Solar Eclipse gritted her teeth in anger. “I’ll take that as yes… that would explain why horses don’t like it when I kick them in gut… it’s long story” he laughed in his drunken voice.

Solar Eclipse flew forwards at Danko but suddenly a green saber blade collided with Solar Eclipse’s red one and the blades sparked from the collision. Both blades hummed and sparked as the blades grinded together.

Solar Eclipse looked into the eyes of an alien creature. Clare landed beside him and Solar Eclipse lept back. Clare levitated a saber hilt into his hand and a blue blade buzzed out of the hilt.

“Lord Eclipse… deal with the boys” Sombra ordered casually and Solar Eclipse nodded as she stood to her hind legs and held her saber in one hand. Clare and Jonas readied their sabers in both hands as Solar Eclipse began to walk towards them, her saber blade cut a line in the floor as she allowed the blade to drag along the floor.

Author's Notes:

Wow, never seen that coming. "VODKA SAVES THE DAY" and with that Danko returns to the sequel probably in a comeo but regardless it was kick ass