Canterlot.  Shining capital of Equestria and home to two nigh-immortal alicorns of God-like power.  A city of graceful white towers reaching into the heavens, of arches and colonnades of such beauty as to make any comparison with ancient Roam and the eventual downfall of modern Equine society make the speaker seem intelligent.  A city of vast influence and wealth, of power brokers the likes of which the world has rarely seen. The House of Pants.  The Royal Guard Headquarters.  The Equestrian Janitorial Union [1].  The city was also named due to a bad joke on the part of Celestia but very few ponies were aware of that fact.

That particular evening - as evening it was - saw the glittering canopy of stars reflected in the shimmering lights from the city below.  Ponies filled the avenues and paths despite the late hour, like writhing multicolored snakes.  Or colorful runoff from a candy factory.  The air was filled with joyful electricity, a murmuring of happy thoughts spinning through the air.  Of -

"Luna, are you quite finished?"

"Tia!"  Princess Luna - one of the two nigh-immortals mentioned previously and Goddess of the Night - stomped her hoof in frustration as she spun about to face her 'sister' - the other nigh immortal previously mentioned and Goddess of the Day [2].  Celestia lifted her tea cup and sipped gently at the steaming hot contents in response - ginger tea, her favorite - before giving the irritated alicorn the same motherly look she gifted all ponies with through the shifting curtain that separated the two.

"Oh do continue, your descriptive imagery was ... charming."  Her serene smile and gentle eyes bathed her 'sister' in warmth.

Or would have if Luna was as dense as the rest of the population.  Instead of the happy face most ponies would have returned - 'oh look, mommy's paying attention to me now' - Luna sneered at her 'sister's' condescending attitude and turned back to regard the city streets below.  With a swift kick, the Goddess of the Night [3] sent a chunk of the balcony's masonry sailing off into the distance.  It would land miles outside of Canterlot's city limits after narrowly missing three pegasi and an earth pony [5].  A local farmer would gain some measure of fame after using it as proof that Maretians were truly visiting his farm.

"Fie, the magic is gone."  Luna stomped once more, this time in disappointment.  She contemplated sending another expensive chunk of stone careening off into the distance (which would lend even more weight to the stallions words and more members to his soon-to-be rapidly growing cult/harem) but decided against it.  She heard her 'sister's teacup tink very gently against the tea plate behind her and made a face off into the distance.  Several stalker ponies ceased to be stalkers at that precise moment in time - a few even going so far as to become productive members of society.

"Just as well."  Silence stretched between the two diarchs before Celestia broke it with a grimace.  "Really, Lulu?  Factory run-off?"  Luna rounded again, pointing roughly at her 'sister.'

"Be silent.  I've read your work.  So dry you could replace table-crackers with it."  Luna stomped her hoof back down for emphasis - she had a particular penchant for stomping since foalhood.  On the other side of the world, a young zebra would awake from a dream of dancing pies and proclaim himself as the new Prophet of All Things Pastry.  The two incidences are probably not connected.

"At least it doesn't turn stomachs."

"Bah.  These ponies could stand some ill feeling in their lives," Luna said with a wave of her hoof before turning back to the vista before her.  She felt the poetic urge begin to fill her again and closed her eyes to give her muse free reign to speak.

A warm early-summer breeze ruffled both Luna's ethereal mane as well as the sheer curtains that acted the part of a barrier between the public at large and Celestia's inner chambers.  That is was enchanted to withstand dragonfire for at least ten minutes did nothing to stop it from being a very nice and dainty pink color.  The curtain, not Luna's mane.  The latter could withstand dragonfire indefinitely and was a much more awesome 'blue-black.'

"Oh, come inside Lulu.  I've got a marvelous one."  Luna's ears perked backwards at her 'sister's voice as it interrupted her muse attempting to describe the breeze in anything but vague terms of temperature and moisture content.  Twilight's letters - having once improved due to her own missing muse - would turn dry and boring again as the miffed inspiration spirit returned to the self-proclaimed 'student of friendship.' [6]

Slowly, Luna's scowl morphed into a quizzical smile as she turned and retreated through the white marble arch that defined her 'sister's bedroom balcony.  The warm outside air gave way to the warm inside air and Luna huffed as her alicorn body adjusted for the rise in temperature.  Still, it was better than huddling around a fireplace for warmth as they had been wont to do so many years ago.  She put the dark and needlessly depressing thoughts out of her mind as she walked across the heavy oak floor and towards her 'sister' alicorn and the twin piles of mail as well as a small shared table.  More descriptions up coming as various muse spirits apply for employment.

"Oh?  Do tell," Luna purred.  Celestia adjusted her position, prone as she was on the plush red carpet.  Her haunches supported by two large pillows, she was every inch an inviting mare, eager and ready for - Luna shook her head slightly to clear the unseemly and rather unwelcome imagery that was flowing into her head from some strange source.  She did not remember purring anything.  Satisfied that the strange compulsion was gone [7], Luna joined her 'sister' on the floor and watched as Celestia levitated a long and complex document in front of her bespectacled face.

"Listen to this.  The synergistic leverage of our two unique skill sets will enable a shifting of the overall paradigm within the Equestrian Government with respect to Royal Warrants et al. as well as a firmer understanding of business-government partnerships-"  Luna's face fell at each word Celestia spoke, becoming more and more aghast at the dry and boring tone of both the letter and the recitation.

"That's marvelous?  It sounds like a tax law!"  Luna could hardly contain the gagging sound as Celestia giddily brought out a colorful piece of paper covered in lines and graphs.

"Look, he's even included charts!"  The solar diarch giggled as she waved the papers at her counterpart.  "Somepony that puts so much effort into wooing me should at least get a signature."  Luna watched with a sense of mind-numbing horror as her sister [8] levitated the entire box of needless contractual nonsense over to the dreadfully small 'hand sign' pile.

"No wonder your fiction is so dry."  Shaking herself from her realization, Luna proceeded to tear into her own pile with a gusto, finding one signed with such a flourish that the actual name was impossible to read [9].  With the largest smile possible, the darker alicorn ripped open the envelope.  "Now here is a good one.  Your mane is as the nebulae writ far across your midnight sky, your dusky coat glittering with the stars you so gift your world-"  Luna's joyous face fell along with her voice as her sister began to make vomit sounds.

"Ugh, please Lulu.  You'll make me gag."  Celestia ruffled her wings in disgust.  Luna, for her part, rolled her eyes at her sister's theatrics but gracefully folded the letter and placed it in her own almost-overflowing pile of 'to mouth-sign' proposals. [10]

"Hmph.  Romance is not dead, just on life support.  I intend to be the defibrillator of romantic thought!"  One hoof raised triumphantly in the air and her nebulous mane billowing behind her, Luna looked every part the conquering heroine. [12]  Celestia rolled her eyes and tucked her muzzle back into her larger pile.

"You do that.  Here we are."  A large and elegantly styled parchment [13] envelope released its contents in a flourish and Celestia cleared her throat.  "Long have I watched from afar your billowing mane of rainbow light.  Truly, your flanks are as the pale moon - hmm, I think she's referencing the wrong sister there - lit by the light of your majestic face-"  Luna's giggle interrupted Celestia's recitation and an irritated look from the elder sister only caused a greater guffaw.

"Yes, Tia, your face is as majestic as the herds of wilder beasts roaming the Serengeti."  Celestia let loose a long-suffering sigh [14] as her younger sister stomped her fore hooves on the floor in delight at her own joke.  An ear flicked at Luna once in recognition of her valiant attempt at the new 'mirth' fad that was relatively recent [15] to ponykind.

"Hmm.  This one also requires a mouth-signed rejection letter," Celestia said as she carefully set the letter in her abysmally small (to Luna) 'to-sign' pile.  Next to her abysmally large (again to Luna) form response pile.  Which was next to her ghastly tasting (to Luna - pattern much?) tea set.  On the metaphysical plane, another muse was kindly asked to leave and it was suggested that they not contact Luna's mind for a reference. [16]

"Really, Tia?  That one is the height of romantic thought to you?"  Luna took hold of her half-filled mug and drank deeply of the contents of it.  For good measure, she crushed the silver container on her forehead and tossed it into a growing pile of crushed mugs before picking up an nearly identical yet filled one. [17]  Celestia crinkled her nose at her sister's antics but refrained from comment, shrugging at both the action and remark.

"Well, she made mention of my beautiful flanks.  Most are so loathe to mention anything possibly sexual about my - ahem - Royal Person that they fall over themselves pretending it doesn't exist."  Celestia sighed, her heart torn in two at her competing and exclusive needs.  To be loved as a Princess and to be loved as the mare she was - Luna shook her head to clear the wandering thoughts for the fifth time that night. [18]

"You see, that's why we need to bring back the orgies!"  Luna slammed her still-full mug on the table nearby, flinging the contents expertly into the unlit fireplace.  Celestia blinked once at the scene before arching one eyebrow at her sibling.

"And you think you're the romantic one?"  Celestia quirked one eyebrow at her sister as Luna huffed indigently.

"Enough of this dreamy-eyed 'romance' that ignores the point of romance itself.  Sex is neither foul nor wrong o' chaste sister mine."

"Neither is it a point to life."

"Biologically-" Luna was interrupted by Celestia's groan.

"Not this argument again."  Celestia put one hoof to her head.  For her part Luna bit off the rest of her argument [19] and frowned.

"Look, all I'm saying is that maybe it was a mistake to push that whole 'chaste goddess of the dawn' thing."  She was rewarded by her sister's blush and a slight scuff of one golden-shod hoof.  Instead of feeling vindicated, however, Luna felt a bit embarrassed.  Celestia wasn't one to have her mistakes paraded out in front of the world often.

"I wanted space, you were gone - I made a mistake."  An awkward silence descended on the pair as they studiously studied opposite walls.  After a moment, Luna coughed into her hoof.

"Yes, well, let's hope that the last vestiges of that mistake dissipate soon.  It took you how long to get them to stop wearing clothes all the time?"

"Ugh, two centuries."

"Poor Tia."  Luna's magic wrapped around a letter deep in her pile.  After a few tugs, a box erupted from the dusty tomb of paper - much to Princess Luna's surprise.  A hefty box wrapped in precisely folded brown paper with an envelope taped to the top.  Luna tilted it in her magic, trying to find a return address.  "Hmmm.  This isn't a letter, it's a box," she stated, intelligently.

"Oh Twilight."  Celestia smiled and shook her head at the package, ignoring Luna's blink of surprise.

"Twilight?!  Your student?  The one that rescued me?"

"Yes.  I recognize her mouth-writing anywhere."  Celestia pointed at the envelope.

"... she kissed it.  With lipstick."

"Yes, well, she does tend to 'go all out' on her 'reports'," Celestia said as Luna tore the wrapping to shreds.  And the second layer.  And the third - finally finding an ornate if small wooden crate with an easy-open lid.  Soon, Luna was surrounded by sheets of paper filled to the margins in small, neat writing and very colorful graphs of varying types.

"Tia, this is filled with charts, graphs and ... is this a personality test?"  Luna brought one of the circling stacks of paper closer to her face, squinting to read the very tiny writing that filled the page.  She tilted her head quizzically and blinked - trying to find the correct words for the situation.  "This is, well, this is adorkable."

"She's quite thorough."  Celestia nodded, beaming a smile any parent would know.  Luna slowly turned her head towards her sister with her mouth twisted into a grimace of disbelief.  Her sister remained unfazed and eventually Luna licked her lips and attempted to formulate an adequate response.  Finding nothing, she settled for something at least a bit neutral.

"How do you let down somepony that saved your life?  I've never had to do that before."  Luna's question caused Celestia to tap a  hoof to chin in contemplation.

"Generally with Twilight I -"

"She's asked you?"

"Oh yes, at least a dozen times."  Celestia placed a hoof to chin in thought, mumbling dates to herself.  Luna watched her sister attempting to remember how many times one pony had asked her - the furrowed brow, the squinting eyes, the far-away look - and could find only one thing to say that would adequately express her emotions.

"Wow."

"I have a compendium of her letters - somewhere."  Silence once more descended on the sisters, though this time because Celestia was magically rummaging through a truck near her desk.  With an 'aha' of discovery, an ornate box of nearly identical type to the one at Luna's side floated to Celestia and with a flourish of magic, the top popped open and an even larger stack of papers than the one Luna had floating about her head levitated to her sister's side.  Without any conscious thought, Luna said the first thing that came to mind.

"That's ... a lot of paper."

"This is her first one, written when she was - oh, when was it - when she was eight I think."

"Awww.  She even drew you two holding hooves.  Wait, is she an alicorn in that picture?"

"She was only eight, Lulu.  She wasn't exactly cognizant of the differences between ponies and alicorns."  "I didn't tell her a thing, I swear!  And this one is from when she first discovered poetry - oh!  Here's one from her angst-filled teenage years!"

"Well, this one requires a personal touch."

"You might want to start a collection of your own.  I find that Twilight takes some convincing once she's found some 'fact' regardless of the other facts surrounding it."

"She's included both her own personality test and a 'mock up' of my own."

"Hmm.  That's remarkably accurate."

"Tia!  She's painting me as though I'm so sort of, of, of socially inept recluse!"

"I stand by my statement."

"Oh you are horrid.  Open one of yours."

"Here we - oh dear."

"Oh my.  Isn't Shining Armor already married?"

"To our 'niece' of all ponies."

"... Tia, that's signed by the both of them."

"Weren't you saying something about bringing back the orgies?"

"Well, a threesome is a start."

"Foursome, actually."

"Oh my, I didn't realize I had one of my own."  "Uhm, Cadence should have told her husband about the whole - "

"Yes, immortality's downside and all.  They still went through with it."

"Well, she is the alicorn of love, I suppose she'll open her heart often enough."

"... should we?"

"I don't think I will this time, Tia.  Perhaps her next husband."

"Yes, perhaps."

"Oh my!  Aegis Shield sent me one!"

"Isn't he one of your guards?"

"Yes.  I always thought we were close friends but I didn't think he had fallen for me."

"Perfection tends to do that to ponies."

"Oh piss off big-flanks."

"Lulu!"

"Just playing Tia, you of all ponies know we are not perfect."

"No but to the average pony, we must seem that way."  "Big flanks?"

"Better than the sticks I'm cursed with."

"That's the form most ponies prefer now anyway, Luna.  Oh dear, here's one from a foal."

"Awww, she even drew hearts around you two.  That's pwecious."

"Twist, Ponyville.  I hate it when foals send me these things."

"Marriage proposals?"

"I always mouth-write my responses.  It gets so tedious after a few thousand years."

"Hmmm, I can see that.  Having a thousand year break helps keep the fire alive in this."

"And having somepony to share these with as well."

"Oh!  I've got one as ... well.  Oh.  Oh my."

"... well that's unexpected.  I luv U, Bruse Aege therti too."

"Foals nothing, how do you deal with the mad?"

"They're termed 'mentally challenged' now, though there's pressure to relabel it 'mentally different'."

"This is definitely 'different,' that's for sure.  Mouth-written response I suppose."

"Not another one!"

"From teh Desk of Prince Blueblood von Ruiter, Scion of the House of Platinum, Vizier to the Sun-Crown.  'Teh'?"

"Yes, a mistake on his letterhead he hasn't noticed yet."

"How long has it been like that?"

"Since he was a child."

"And this is why we don't get married anymore.  Spoiled little milksop."

"Lulu, that's your great-great-great-great-great-great-"

"I get it Tia."

"-great-great-great-great-great-great-"

"Stop it."

"-great-great-great-great-great-great-"

"Oh now you're just being excessive."

"-great-grandson you're talking about."

"So how many times did you marry into his family?"

"Only four.  This one, however, is a form-letter response."

"Good thing too.  They're getting a bit inbred as it is."

"Mmm.  Mmm?"

"Mmm?"

"Mmm-hmmm.  Applejack Apple."

"Applejack?  Speaking of inbred ... I never figured her for a fillyfooler."

"'Lesbian,' Luna.  Fillyfooler implies congress with a foal."

"Whatever.  There was a time it was seen as bad as that.  Glad that's been changed."

"Annnd it's for money."

"Oooh, of course it is.  With the cider market cornered in Ponyville and the surrounding areas, you'd think her family would have more monetary resources."

"Hmmm.  Country bumpkins, the lot of them.  Her brother is the only one of that family with any math sense and that only approaches grade-school math.  Mouth-signed."

"Not even a proper response?  I'm surprised at you Celestia Margaux Cheval."

"Don't give me that Luna Sieghilde Pferd.  If it's such a blatant attempt to weasel money out of royal coffers, I don't care how upfront you are about it - you get a form letter.  That she is one of our friends and an Element Bearer is the only reason I'm mouth-signing it."

"My, my.  Bad lover?"

"Yes, well, I learned not to mix politics with my bedroom."

"This would explain some of the silly taxes that are still on the books but aren't being collected.  A 'fun tax?'  Really Tia?"

"He was a chamberlain.  He weaseled so much out of royal coffers the government was actually getting loans from him, from the very monies he had embezzled."

"... ouch."

"Yes, well, I was going to give you a playmate on the moon after that but I found a better way of dealing with him."

"Oh, is he the statue in the bottom of the Royal Water Closet?"

"Hmm.  I refuse to answer that statement."

"Looking upwards with his mouth open.  Oh you are fiery when you get upset, Sunny."

"Yes, well you would know Moonbeam."

"Hmph.  One mistake and it's a thousand year timeout."

"Anyway, anything interesting on your end?"

"Hmm.  Nothing much.  Some poetry - by ponies that should be forever disbarred from practicing that craft.  Who rhymes 'starlight' with 'starlight' four times in a row?"

"That would be Ms. Rarity Belle."

"You've gotten one from her as well?"

"Right after her failed attempt to woo Blueblood.  I don't even think she realizes she does that."

"Well, she is a romantic, I'll give her that.  Hmmm, I might take her up on that offer."

"Luna!"

"Well, with conditions of course.  I think we all learned our lesson with the House of von Ruiter."

"It's your life.  Just stay out of the coffers."

"A bit of a drama queen though."

"Mate with me or I'll gouge your eyes out."

"... that's different."

"Draconian.  Why in the blazes dragons want to be with me, of all ponies ..."

"Might have something to do with how you personally destroyed their Empire a few thousand years ago."

"Ah yes.  I was quite taken with their Emperor then.  Ah, young love."

"What ever happened to him anyway?"

"Died a few months after I captured him and made him my concubine.  Exhaustion."

"Oh, right!  I think I was still in the Olde Lands trying to keep the wendigoes from following us."

"Didn't you have a mate then too?"

"I honestly can't remember.  Probably."

"Hmm.  Oh, this one is nice."

"Well, obviously not after your money."

" - Pinkie Pie?!"

"Ah-hahahahahahaha!"

"- 'supertastic funerific sex' is not a big selling point to me anymore Pinkie."

"Aww, it's not?"

"Pinkie!  How'd you get past my guards?!"

"I came in through the balcony, silly."

"Oh Pinkie, I'm sorry but I cannot see you and my sister together for any length of time."

"Aww, she needs somepony to lighten up her day!  I know it must be super hard trying to deal with all these Stuffy McStuffersons around here and I'm completely and totally not a, a ... what'd you call them Celly?  'Pompous windbag of overripe over-importance and arrogance'?"

"Yes, well, you are very much not that.  But could you last with a smile on your face - serene and matronly - as these Stuffy McStuffersons rambled on about how they should be given a tax break and be damned with everypony else?"

"Huh.  Yeah, you're totally right.  See you later, gator!"

"How in the world does she even do that?"

"I've found it best not to inquire too closely with some of the Pie family secrets."

"At least she's friendly.  I shudder to think of her as some cleaver-wielding madp - er, 'mentally different' pony."

"No, madpony is still valid with that one."

"Speaking of madponies, here's another from Hoovibal Lecter."

"Well, he's very charming."

"Yes, very romantic.  But I prefer to keep my liver where it is, thank you.  Even if it would go well with chianti and fava beans."

"Oh, it would grow back."

"Hmm, it would keep him from eating anypony else."

"No it wouldn't, who are you kidding?"

"Ugh."

"Hmm?"

"I still can't see how you stand that foul broth."

"Tea?"

"'Ooooh, let's take some dead, dried leaves and soak them in hot want until it all turns muddy and drink it.'  Yuck."

"It's healthier than that spiced wine you've been swilling."

"I am not swilling it!  I am daintily sipping it."

"That was a gulp, not a sip."

"I'll gulp you."

"We already tried that, 'friends only, never lovers'."

"Tia?"

"Yes Lulu?"

"Where is that bloody maid with our popcorn?"