Dinner parties are generally boring. However, when one has something to gain they can become quite interesting indeed. Over the course of his life, The Forgemaster has made and lost fortunes, earned glory on the field of battle, obtained grand titles signifying his deeds, and thoroughly pissed off the entire nation of Zimbabwe, all of these things are lost to the sands of time, and eventually become meaningless. However, the only thing that retains value, and in some cases increases in value, is knowledge. The sum total of the things he has earned through his vast knowledge and intelligence greatly outweighs his earnings through brute force alone.

This is the reason for the dinner party; to satisfy the craving for knowledge that drives him. He decided to meet with the subject of his curiosity: Princess Mi Amore Cadenza, roughly translated as 'Princess I love everything', though she prefers Cadance. He invited Princess Lovey Dovey and her hubby Shiny Whiny, in the interests of knowledge. And of course, Rainbow had invited herself along, though he didn't mind that at all. Simba would also be there, but honestly what else could he do? The dinner party was one of the best ways he had thought of to learn about the Princess. He could have used other methods but this was the best option, in his personal opinion.

-Ask Sunbutt or Woona? Second hand information, clouded by bias and familiarity. Luna might not even be aware of the girl.

-Consult a glossary? Not all things in books are true, and there are some things that cannot be written down but have just as much significance.

-Newspaper or magazine? Clearly biased information, gossip, rumor, nothing real or tangible.

-Spy on her? He was busy, damnit! He can't go and spy on every other thing he is mildly interested in! He has people for that. And they would be confused by him ordering them to spy on the Lovey girl.

-Abduct subject and torture until curiosity sated? Well, that's not very civilized is it? Who just goes around torturing people and ponies just for their jollies?  Sick bastards, that's who!

-Meet her himself and ask questions? Good method, though has some drawbacks, subject may not appreciate questioning. Also: rude, walking up to an individual you don't know and asking them questions. Reminded him of his CIA days. Ah... fuck you too Castro.

-Meet her himself and invite to dinner? Best method, encourages friendship, friendship can be used later.

Course, a dinner party requires preparation.

His personal appearance didn't change much for the dinner. Ponies barely seemed to smell any body odor, for some weird reason, but he showered just in case. He dressed in his usual clothes, with his usual haircut. All very normal. He briefly considered putting make up on his face to match the Joker's, but after considerable thought, he eventually decided against it.

Then Rainbow Dash, for the first time ever, actually brushed her mane. Since I don't think you fully grasped the significance of that statement, I'm going to write it again, with bold, underline, IN ALL CAPS, and italics, and then tell you the significance of that statement.

She BRUSHED HER MANE!!!

Yeah, she's never brushed her mane, as far as he could tell. Occasionally, he brushed it for her when they laid down on the couch (she melted like butter into his hands) but she quickly mussed her mane up before anyone could see. Honest to Sweet Baby Jesus, she looked beautiful with a brushed mane, but it went against her 'awesome' style, so she just had to put a stop to that. Didn't stop her from strutting about with it inside the house for a few minutes though, he even caught her looking into the mirror with a small, heartfelt smile on her face. Truly adorable.

Where was I?

Oh yeah: Dashie!

She brushed her mane, but insisted on being naked.

(Most ponies do that, though The Forgemaster really thinks that they're all just exhibitionists. Seriously; he told Twilight, but she just said that their tails covered anything private. Yeah: that's a lie, he walked around town as 'Little Red' a few times and literally saw plot abound. He wondered how Spike dealt with it, being at that height all the damn time. Normal teenagers, and the guy was like 11 or something and that's damned well old enough, would have loved to be in Spike's claw things. Poor guy probably had either a severe asexuality complex, great self-control, or just didn't see ponies as attractive. All viable reasons, of course, but the last one was probably wrong seeing as he lusts after Rarity like a love-sick... dragon, and he really didn't have much self-control... and if he lusts after Rarity like aforementioned love sick dragon, that doesn't make him asexual. Okay, new theory: Spike's weird. He's a bloody weird bastard that doesn't get randy at the sight of female genitals. Gentlemen: he must be culled from the herd. No weakness. No mercy.)

Back to this other less funny stuff:

Oh well, it's not like it was a formal event or anything... did he stress that in the invitation? He hoped so. His normal attire could be considered causal or semi-formal, but if they showed up in their full 'princess and her boy' regalia, he and they would feel awkward.

Then there's food:

Preparation for a meal is simple. Especially pony meals as many of their acceptable dishes need no cooking. In fact, many of the ingredients in pony food can literally be found within 3 feet of his door. Grasses, dandelions, assorted flowers, stuff he would consider to be literally 'the dirt beneath his feet'. But ponies seemed to love the stuff, for some weird, herbivorous reason. Truly, the day he gave up meat for these ponies would be the day he died. And dying hurt, he came close once or twice before, and he didn't personally care for it.

For his meal, just as a social experiment, (The Forgemaster was all about efficiency, combining 2 experiments into 1 being a prime example of this), he decided to eat some meat. Preferably cold chile. Mostly because... if it's cold they can't smell it and it really doesn't look like meat. Rainbow... was uncomfortable with his eating meat, but she and her old friend Gilda have eaten together, going to the same flight camp and all, so Rainbow wasn't as skittish as she might have been. The Shiny git would probably be horrified, or something herbivorous (Note: describing natural pony instincts as 'herbivorous' is fun.), but restrain himself, he knew about his... meaty habits and had some semblance of self-discipline. And the Princess... he honestly didn't know how she would react.

He found that he could really only hunt and kill a few types of critters in the Everfree, the only normal forest on the planet. Manticores, cockatrices, hydra, those timber-wolves (But they were wood! He's not about to go and hunt down a wolf to eat wood when he can just go gnaw on a tree) ... and that's really the entire list. Anything else might be one of Fluttershy's friends, and he would never hurt her in such a way. EVER. He would rather be gelded with a rusty spoon. That actually sounded like something the Inquisition would do... and no one ever expected those guys. Hell, it wouldn't surprise him if one showed up in Equestria, would be damned confusing and he certainly wouldn't have expected it, but not surprising.

Anyway, fun times are coming.

For instance, there were 2 ponies at his door. Now what in the hell do you think they're doing here?

I asked a damn question!!!

a) they're girl scouts selling cookies.

b) they're murderous murderers looking to murder him.

c) they're the love princess and her boy.

d) they're aliens!!!!

Let's see what the answer is!

He casually stood up from the couch, where Rainbow had been getting some last minute belly (bewwy) rubs (wubs) in, and walked over to the door. Rainbow was upset and voiced her complaints by growling at him when he tried to stop, but she let him leave after only a moment.

Believe it or not, Rainbow Dash was actually a very loving and tender individual, in private of course. While she is not prone to public displays of affection, in public she kept up the ruse that The Forgemaster and Crimson Hammer were different people, but in private she had no qualms about showing her feelings.  She enjoyed tackling The Forgemaster as soon as he entered the door, if at all possible. She enjoys sitting on his lap on the couch, while he gently rubs her back, or her chest, or her head. She closes her eyes and sinks into it, she even does this cute little growl in the back of her throat when she is handled in such a way, it's actually quite adorable, especially since she doesn't know she does it. They also occasionally preen each others wings. He honestly had no idea how to do it at first, but Rainbow showed him the correct way to go about it. And because he has hands and the dexterity that comes with them, preening his and her wings is much faster than if Rainbow tried to do it herself.

It is a bonding experience between them, and Rainbow certainly enjoys it. In fact, she may have permanently made him her primary napping location, ever since she discovered how comfortable he was.

Of course, there is no TV in Equestria, fortunately or unfortunately depending on your viewpoint, so he occupied his time on the couch with mindless newspaper reading, sometimes a book. In fact, since telling Twilight anything and everything about the Human race was getting rather tedious, he has started to write his own book on the subject. He called it “The Forgemaster's Big Book Of Everything Ever, a Perspective On How Amazing Humans Are At Everything.” It is, admittedly, a grandiose title, but it was literally everything the Human species have done since civilization started and The Forgemaster took pride in his species, no matter how stupid they could be. He was going to enjoy comparing it to the ponies' history. Sure ponies' were more friendly, but that made them weak! (Allegedly)(And not Celestia, she could kick his ass if she committed herself, though he could even the odds with some experience, she still controlled the bloody sun!) Humans rape the planet because it is too weak to defend itself, duh. Humans win, all the damn time. Only bosses would think that having enough nuclear bombs to destroy the planet many, many times over would ensure peace. Ha! He's so putting that in the book. Gods Bless The Human Race.

He sighed, Twilight's probably going to yell at him... at least he didn't put his commentary in the book, that would be rude.

He was already on chapter 285: The Early Romans. He would be further along, but he was also writing a similar book on Human anatomy and psychology. Have you ever tried making a rendition of the human body perfectly and without mistakes from memory alone? It was hard. The Forgemaster had a photographic memory, but even photo's can dim with time. However, Twilight might very well crush him to death with a super-atomic hug if he gets it done in time for Christmas, and that may very well be worth it: it is a very pleasant way to die.

Quick side note: screw Hearth's Warming Eve, it's Christmas damnit! He was planning on dressing up as Santa and everything... A giant, super buff, Santa... The idea seems terrifying. He'd make it work though. Perhaps he should make a flying sleigh... he could make some of the guards be Dasher, Blitzen, Rudolph, etc, etc, and he could deliver presents to all the little foals that way! Oh, that would be so cool! He could start an entirely new Christmas/Hearth's Warming Eve tradition, one based on facts! On him!

The guards would probably hate him though...

Where was I?

I'm getting distracted too much today...

Here we are:

He approached the door with some trepidation: one never knows what's on the other side of a door... unless it's a glass door I suppose.

He opened the door and the sight that greeted his eyes pleasured him greatly!

Girl scout cookies!!!

Well there were also girls scout (filly scouts) selling the things, but they weren't nearly as important.

Girl Scout COOKIES!!!

He promptly ordered 2 boxes of his favorites: everything but the nasty ones.

GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!!!!

RAGE!!!!

If you answered A, you get a girl scout cookie of your choice, the haul is rather large. If you answered anything else: I am disappoint.

a) they're girl scouts selling cookies.

b) they're murderous murderers looking to murder him.

c) they're the love princess and her boy.

d) they're aliens!!!!

He took the multiple boxes in his telekinetic grip and promptly shut the door in the girls scouts' faces, after grossly over-paying them by several hundred bits. He tossed one box of each type of cookie vaguely in Dashie's direction and set the rest down in front of the door to his armory, that is conveniently located in his dining room. He unlocked the various locks: the normal locks, the magical locks, the electric lock, the Jewish locks, the booby trap, the headless reanimated corpse of Abraham Lincoln, and the moat. He threw the boxes inside the room, and then shut the door and reengaged the various locks and traps.

His precious is safe... until he gets hungry.

That being said, he had to save a few from Rainbow's gaping maw before it mangled any more of the sweet treats. Seriously: like 3 seconds went by and 5 cookies were gone, and they were the awesome chocolate coated kind with peanut butter and sprinkles!

As he saved the last of the cookies from the terror that is Rainbow Dash's mouth (Seriously, does she even know where she puts that thing!? He certainly did. And it was not meant to go near food, I can tell you that much.), he said to her, “Bad Dashie, you'll spoil your appetite.”

He then lightly bopped her on the head. Lightly.

“You were the one who threw them at me!” she proclaimed in her defense.

“But does that give you license to eat them?”

“I assumed 'yeah', so I ate them.” she said.

He grinned mischievously, “Why Dashie, that's a pretty big word!”

“What? 'Assumed'?” she snorted, “Not that big, and if it was then I'd blame your influence.” Rainbow replied with a grin, not having any of his bullshit.

He pouted to the extent that a grown man with severe emotional issues could, but didn't pursue the matter.

He went into the kitchen: the food was already done but he had yet to move it onto the table. He threw the food towards the dining table, and let his magic do the rest by making it land safely. Surely the 2 missing individuals would be the next to knock on the door?

He went back into the dining room, to see Rainbow with a frown sitting on the couch.

Hmm, that's never good. Seeing Rainbow with a frown was like seeing Pinkie without a smile: it foreshadows severe heavy shit.

Dashie looked up into his eyes from across the room and softly asked, “What if she doesn't like me?”

Oh great, Dashie's going all insecure.

Note: Dashie acts super-confident all the time and she usually is, but sometimes it's just a mask to hide her inner turmoil. She usually hides it poorly, to be honest, but sometimes you can never quite tell... The only time she would ever reveal her insecurities was when she was alone with someone (pony) she knew she could absolutely trust. Emphasis on 'alone' because Dashie doesn't do personal stuff very well with groups outnumbering her eyeballs. That being 2, counting herself.

And since she wouldn't leave him alone, despite him being well, you know... him, he was occasionally contractually obligated to soothe her emotional woes.

“Dashie, I'm sure she'll like you: her name literally translates to 'Princess I Love Everything'.” he tried to be as understanding as he could, but he was never very good at emotional stuff either.

His idea of solving emotional issues usually resulted in massive alcohol/cocaine binges.

He was never very good with 'empathy', it was really just something he wasn't born with. Of course, he could still do it if he tried, but it took some doing.

He decided on what would best fix this situation: to make Rainbow Dash cease being insecure, you have to both appeal to her pride, and say something positive. Funny works too. Shocking too, though not the electric type: she was almost immune to electric shock.

To this end, he draped a hand on her shoulders and said, “Dashie, no matter how awesome or how great a person you are, someone is always gonna hate on you. So what do you do? Laugh, and continue to be awesome.”

She chuckled slightly, SUCCESS!

“Besides of which, I know that she'll like you just fine.” he paused for a bit, “By the way, she's coming here with Captain Shining Armor, her fiance. No pressure, he's a cool guy. Though his shield spell is pink for some reason, and hardly at all manly.”

She chuckled some more, mostly due to his rambling. EPIC SUCCESS!

“DING DONG MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!!” came an epically loud voice from the doorway.

He chuckled as Rainbow's eyebrows shot into her hairline, and a big grin split her lips.

He quickly moved over to the door and opened it.

The sight of a horrified/scandalized Shining Armor and Cadance was something he would treasure for the rest of his days.

Jaw down, eyebrows up, eyes wide: the very picture of WTF?

Ah, good times.

Shining Armor gasped and came into himself, “Wha- What was that!?” he asked, breathlessly.

“That was the doorbell.” he answered simply.

More wide-eyed staring from the good Captain.

The epic laughter from both inside the house and beside him knocked Shining Armor out of his stupor.

His wife-to-be was laughing at him. Hard. So was Rainbow, but that was to be expected.

The Forgemaster grinned, 'So she's one of those princesses...' he thought.

That kind of princess being the cool kind that isn't a stuck-up son of a sodomite. Then again, he never got the vibe from her that she was, of course he had never really interacted with her outside of introducing the Shiny One to her, but that was really it. Heck, she even came in pony casual: naked.

“Why would you have... that as your doorbell?” he asked.

He shrugged, “For funsies.”