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Try Not To Die!

by Regidar

Chapter 1: Wasted Science

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The old door to Craterside Supply opened with its hallmark creek. Through it stepped a regular customer and supplier of the shop, one Zacharias Hadar. Zach, in addition to holding the record for most Nuka-Colas being drank in one hour, also held another, slightly more important achievement. He was none other than the Capital Wasteland’s saviour, The Lone Wanderer.

Zach stood at a height of 6 feet and 1 inch, was in possession of brown hair which he took the habit to of styling into a mohawk and dying bright purple starting at the age of 13, and loved cram more than anything else in the entire world that wasn’t living. He had taken on The Enclave, super mutants, countless raider and slavers, and was currently the poster child of goodness in the depressing sea of destruction and horror that was the Capital Wasteland.

This story is not about him.

Rather, this story is about one Moira Brown, the owner and chief employee of Craterside Supply, a small shop nestled in the scrapheap town of Megaton. Moira wore a plain grey jumpsuit with the lettering “RobCo” imprinted on the back in white, possessed dark red straight hair, and always had a cheery smile on her face.

Craterside Supply, her pride and joy, was where anyone went in Megaton(and places nearby) for their general supplies. Need a stimpack? Moira’s got it! Need something repaired? She’ll be glad to help! Want to risk your life and limb to go and create a wasteland survival guide? She’ll only be too glad to employ you, as Zach found out the hard way.

The only thing about Moira that seemed to get people a little on the creeped out side was her disposition. She was an avid lover of animals, even when said animals only wanted to rip her apart and feed her organs to their young. Mole rats seemed to be her favoured of them all, and more times than once Zach found himself saving her from a pack of the marauding mutated mammals.

She enjoyed history too, and held the pre-war society of the United States above all others. Even when Zach pointed out on numerous occasions that they were directly responsible for the whole mess they were currently living their days out in, she would dismiss that with a wave and a cheery “Everyone makes mistakes!”

In addition to those, she was fascinated with the human body. A few days after Zach had saved the settlement of Arifu from gang attacks(although he insisted that they were vampires), she commissioned him to go out and find as many anatomical books as possible. Moira, in addition to a scientist and a tinker, was a doctor of some skill. When The Lone Wanderer had injured himself heinously in order for her to take documented research on injury, she was able to fix him up nearly perfect. Her neuroses shone through, however, when she sticked a smiley face into the side of his arm to seal up on of the nastier gashes. This became a subject of humor amongst the wastes, and many raiders would begin to laugh uncontrollably after catching sight of it when Zach came to clean them out. After that, The Wasteland Saviour took to the habit of wearing as many types of armor that covered his arm as best as he could.

Moira always held a bright demeanor with everyone and everything. She was one of the three people who currently believed that the Capital Wastes would one day be rejuvenated back into its former glory. She used to be the only one, but a pair of jet addicts who had shown up once Project Purity began working again now held that belief as well.

So, when Zach sauntered into her establishment, adorned in his power armor that he had sanctioned from falled Brotherhood of Steel Paladins, and covered head to foot in bits of gore and nuclear grime, she greeted him with a cheery wave. “Hello, Zachy!”

Zach sighed, his exhale of breath distorted by the power armor helmets breather system. “Please stop calling me that.”

Moira smiled, and picked up her broom to sweep away the gore and dirt that Zach had tracked in. “So, what have you got for me today, Zachy?”

The Lone Wanderer walked over to the counter and dropped a large bag upon it. “I just fought my way through an alien ship. A FUCKING ALIEN SHIP! Anyway, I grabbed some parts from the thing, along with a couple of weapons, and I thought you might be interested.”

Moira open the bag, and pulled out several pieces of very strange technology. “Ooh! Thank you, Zachy! How much do I owe you?”

“Nothing, you can have it for free.”

Moira looked up at the armored head of The Lone Wanderer, a tear of joy brimming in her left eye. “Oh Zachy... that’s so thoughtful of you... but I have to give you caps! It wouldn’t be right for me to just accept it for free!”

Zach held his arms and and shook his head. “No, please! I literally have over fifty thousand caps. FIFTY THOUSAND. I’m purposely going out of my way to build bottlecap mines just to get rid of them. I’m donating as much as I can to every church I can find. I’m letting people overcharge me on purpose. I don’t need more money. Seriously. I have so much it’s getting hard for me to hold it all.”

Moira, of course, didn’t listen to Zach and bestowed upon him one thousand caps for his haul of alien technology. Zach sighed, muttered a distorted ‘thank you’ and left the establishment. Moira looked down at the pile of electronics, giddy as a schoolgirl whose class had ended early.

“Oh, I wonder what sort of things I could build with it!” Moira’s eyes twinkled as the mercenary she had hired to keep the peace around the store coughed dryly.

“I suppose I could try and build something from scratch... or add it onto laser rifle...” Moira pondered to herself as she took the technology upstairs to her bedroom. A flash of inspiration stuck like a mini-nuke. “Of course! I’ll add it to the teleporter!”

The teleporter she was talking about had been a birthday gift to her from one Lucas Sims, the sheriff of Megaton. Lucas had likewise procured it from a traveling vendor in exchange for some purified water. The vendor himself had gotten it from Zach, who had “borrowed” it from a crazed scientist in the Commonwealth. The teleporter wasn’t finished, and even then realistic science pointed towards it being unable to work in any circumstance. Still, Moira had spent endless hours tinkering and experimenting with the teleporter, never losing hope in that one day it would function.

However, once she reached the teleporter, Moira ran into a slight problem. She had no idea on how to add the alien technology to the device. She wasn’t even sure that the extraterrestrial mechanics would be safely compatible with the experimental teleportation apparatus. However, she knew someone who was always in the mood for crazy experiments.


Zach sat on his stained mattress that was held by the rust bedframe in his room. He was in an armored utility suit that had been given to him by Moira when he first visited her store. The lettering “Vault 101” was ripped, painted over, and otherwise obscured by recently added metal plates. The desk was cluttered with papers, inane scribblings on most of them. He had taken up writing down poetry as sort of a catharsis for the horrors he had been through. Drawings of deathclaws ripping apart Enclave soldiers and doodles of raiders being mowed down by a minigun hung on the wall.

The room was smoking from several cigarettes that had just been snuffed out into the ashtray he had rescued from the ruins of an abandoned metro. The most prized items he could salvage from the various ruins of the former United States of America were pencils, cartons of cigarettes, vodka bottles, and packs of unspoiled paper.

Zach had earned this house through disarming the bomb that had created the crater where Megaton had been built around. Surprisingly, it was easier to disarm a nuclear armament than it was to disarm a bouquet of grenades. Go figure. Zach tried as best as he could not to think about what was going on in this crazy roller coaster ride of death and radiation that was the wastes.

The Lone Wanderer sighed, and pulled pulled out a plasma pistol. The plasma pistol was a weapon that could be very effective, as could it’s slightly stronger counterpart, the plasma rifle. If they hit in just the right place, any plasma weapon would reduce an enemy to a slightly glowing puddle of green goo. Laser weapons achieved a similar effect, however, people on the receiving end of a laser would be reduced to a pile of ash.

Zach took the pistol and recalled upon how he had come about this weapon. He had pulled it from the mutilated hands of an Enclave Officer over at the Capitol Building. He still had a faint scar on his left calf where a bolt of plasma had melted through his power armor. The stimpack hadn’t done a good job of erasing the mark, and it was a bitch trying to find replacement parts for the power armor. In the end, the job was done.

His desk also held one of his most prized possessions. It was a framed picture of him and his father, taken on his tenth birthday. He had reclaimed the photo from the lab coat of Jonas, his father’s assistant, after his return to Vault 101. He had been unceremoniously ousted not forty-five minutes later by one of his oldest friends. He tried not to think about it whenever possible.

Zach took the plasma weapon and flipped it over a few times before holding it up to his head. “If i fire right into my temple, it’ll dissolve me. No amount of twisted DNA or hardiness or perks are gonna save me from that.”

With a deep breath, he prepared himself for the inevitable. His silence and suicidal refrain was shattered by a loud knocking on his door.

Sighing, The Lone Wanderer put his gun down on the desk and walked downstairs. He opened his door to see Moira Brown standing there with her ever-present, slightly annoying smile.

Zach rolled his eyes. “What do you want Moira?”

“Ooh! You’re wearing my Vault Suit I gave you!”

Zach pursed his lips. “Yes, I am. You gave the thing to me, remember?”

Moira laughed. “Yes, but you’re normally in that clunky, dull power armor! I’m glad you’ve decided to start wearing the suit again, it fits you so much better!”

Zach scanned over the Craterside Supply owner. “Look, what do you want, Moira? I was in the middle of doing something...” his voice trailed off at the end. The sun was setting, and streaks of brown-orange light stained the sky.

“Here, I figure you know more about the alien technology than me-”

“I actually have no idea how it works-”

“And since you always love the work I give you-”

“Not so much ‘love’ as ‘do it out of extreme boredom or pity’-”

“I figured you’d help me install the parts into the teleporter!”

“Look, I don’t want to-” Zach stopped, and looked down at Moira. “Wait, teleporter?”

Moira nodded enthusiastically. “Yup! I got it for my birthday from Lucas! He says he traded it for some purified water a few weeks before my birthday!”

Zach starched his head. “Huh, I wonder if it’s the same one I sold to the vendor after I got back from the commonwealth...” Of course it is, you moron! How many other teleporters do you know of?

Moira smiled at Zach, and handed him a wrench. “Well, we’ll never know unless we head on over to go check it out!” She grabbed Zach’s gloved hand and practically dragged him down the slope that lead to the ramp where Craterside Supply resided at the top of.

Zach groaned. “Oh well... suppose this beats what I was gonna do otherwise...”

Upon reaching the teleporter, Zach noticed that Moira’s room reflected his somewhat. But instead of drawings of monsters and violence, and scribbles of poetry, anatomical drawings and schematics hung on the walls and littered her desk. Zach took a moment to admire a sketch of a centaur, those hideous gibbering monstrous mess of human parts and tongues. He shuddered as he remembered the cold, slimy touch of one of those irradiated tendrils.

The teleporter had been moved by Moira up onto her bed. It had a round base, and several tubes and nozzles sticking out of it. The sides were covered with microfusion cell holders, and wires of both green and red coloration spreading about. It was obviously unfinished, pieces of terminals uncovered, and electronics laying out for any and all to see. A control panel with a few buttons, two red ones and a blue one, was on the part closest to them, jutting out slightly.

The Lone Wanderer took a piece of machinery, and placed it down next to a green tube. Taking a wire, he hooked it up to the electrical plating of the extraterrestrial mechanism. Moira pulled down a large yellow textbook detailing jet engines. “Since planes got people places, that’s the same basic idea as a teleporter, right? I mean, sure teleporters are a lot faster, and scramble your atoms about the world before rebuilding them again... but same basic principle, right?”

Zach gave Moira a blank stare as he tightened several loose screws near the control panel. Moira giggled, and started to assemble pieces of the machinery together.

A good fifteen minutes of working in silence later, something extraordinary happened. While plugging in a microfusion cell to a alien transformer, the whole machine began to light up. LED’s, nozzles, and buttons alike began to glow green. In the center of the machine, a beam of green energy shot out, slightly transparent, and coming to a stop at the roof, apparently not traveling through.

“Ok, now that looks fucking deadly.” Zach eyed the beam with disdain, not daring to get any closer to it. Moira, however, seemed enticed.

“Oh, it’s beautiful!” Moira gazed upon the beam created by a combination of human and alien technology, starry eyed. “Look, Zachy! We made it work!”

Zach shook his head in disbelief. “The chances of this working are what... one in a million? Fuck, I was never good at math...”

Moira grabbed a clipboard and a pencil, and began to write furiously upon it. “Ooh, this is wonderful! Say, Zach, would you mind going and touching it? I want to see the effects...”

Zach stood up, shaking his head. “No. No, I won’t. Look, Moira, I’ve gotten irradiated to the point of puking my guts out for you. I nearly lost an arm for you. I fought off giant crab monsters from hell, scavenged through a minefield while a maniac took potshots at my head, and had my allergies irritated by dust from old books for you. But I’m not sticking my hand into a freaking alien laser beam!” Zach threw his hands up in resignation. “I’m sorry. I just won’t. You’ll have to test it out yourself for once.”

Moira’s face fell. “Oh... but I’m the scientist! I document what the research assistants do!” She looked back up at Zach with pouty eyes. “Please, Zachy?”

Zach shook his head. “Sorry, Moira. I’m out. Also, come to think of it, I better find a way to shut of this power beam. I don’t want you hurting yourself or accidentally blowing up Megaton because you’re left with this unsupervised.” Zach sat back down, pouring over the mechanics. “I suppose if I just cut the wire leading to-”

“NO!” Moira shot her hand out, nearly poking her ring finger up Zach’s nose. Zach fell back, startled. “If you cut it, who knows if it’ll turn back on! You've got to find a different way!”

The Lone Wanderer was beginning to lose his patience. “Look, Moira!” He grabbed his wrench, and bent over the teleporter. “All I’m gonna do is twist this bolt, and-” As he did so, the beam of energy redirected at a sharp 90 degree angle, blasting Moira right in the chest. Without even time for her to scream, the beam disintegrated her, leaving not a trace of the peppy scientist.

“Fuck.”


Moira’s vision had gone green. The whole world was a mess of color, sound, and gooey textures. Stars flashed by, memories of Canterbury Commons, Moira’s hometown, and the ever present gooeyness all made up a crude soup of experiences.

There was a blast of white, enveloping light, and it was almost over. Almost.

There was a startled, feminine gasp. The white light was warm, encompassing her entirely. The scientist saw nothing but the blinding light, it’s entirety filling existence. Emotions fluttered through Moira, ranging from awed excitement to chilling fear. All in all, she knew this was going to be a great experiment. She wasn’t dead, so the shop owner knew that her abilities would come of use to her.

“Oh, my... what are you?” The voice seemed... what’s the word Moira was looking for? It was like the one anyone from the Commonwealth used, just like that nasty Mr. Burke fellow, but more calm and less arrogant. It was... regal.

“Well, no matter what you are, you deserve a chance. Let’s get you out of there.” Moira’s stomach swooped as she was wrenched from the white light that was her environment just moments before. She fell with a clatter to a flagstone floor, cleaner than she had ever seen anything before.

When she looked up, she was stunned. A being similar to that of a brahmin, but with one head and pure white coat looked down upon her. It was remarkably akin to how pre-war books described horses, but this one seemed to carry an air of importance and great intelligence, as well as sporting a mane of several colors from purple to green to pink, all flowing gently despite their not being a breeze present. A large horn protruded from her head, like a deathclaw’s only straight as an arrow, and two large white wings curled at her sides. The being gave off warmth like the sun’s rays on a lazy afternoon, something Moira hadn’t encountered since her childhood in Canterbury Commons.

The creature wore an expression of shock, reading her silently with large pink-iresed eyes. Moira, of course, felt her researcher's instincts begin to kick in, and instinctively reached for a clipboard and pencil. As she was still laying on the cold stone floor in front of this creature who sat on its throne, there was no documentation device available.

“Oh, you look awful,” the being whispered. “You’re malnourished, covered in grime, and have hints of... something I don’t even know the name of, but I can tell it’s abhorrent!” Moira raised a grimy eyebrow at this.

The being stepped down from her throne, revealing gold palting upon her hooves. She wore a crown with a purple jewel set into it, and it glinted slightly. Moira gazed up in awe at the creature, stunned by her immaculate appearance.

“You look... gorgeous!” Moira pushed herself up to her feet, shaking slightly. The world’s colors were brighter, and no longer covered in what seemed like a green tint. Everything was brighter and... happier.

The being looked taken aback by the scientist's compliment. “Why... thank you!” She blushed slightly, and shook her head. “I suppose I should introduce myself. I am Princess Celestia, co-ruler of Equestria and raiser of the sun. And you would be...”

Moira’s smile widened. “Ruler of Equestria? I’ve never heard of such a place! I bet you’ve got all sorts of interesting things to tell me! Since you said ‘princess’, you must work on a monarchy! What’s your principal trade? Your current population? Your standing with other nations, if there are any?” Princess Celestia’s baffled look grew with every sentence Moira spoke.

“Of course, we hardly have anything you could call a ‘nation’ back in the Capital Wastes, but I’ve read about them in some of the books Zach’s brought back, and now I’m here talking to a real Princess!” Moira sighed dreamily. “I’m Moira Brown, owner of Craterside Supplies!”

Celestia’s mind raced for a few moments trying to process all that had happened. While she was focusing on raising the sun in her meditative state, a strange being had appeared in the ether. She had rescued it, and now... it kept babbling on about something to do with Equestria’s internal structure.

The Princess sat back down on her throne, and sighed. The day had only just begun, and it looked like she was in for a wild ride.

Moira, meanwhile, had wandered over to the windows. She had stopped to admire the stained glass, huge ones that spanned from about waist height all the way to the ceiling. The one she was currently looking over was of six small, various colored ponies defeating a larger blue one.

“Ooh, what’s this? Do these tell a story of some sort? are they what you use instead of books?” Moira ran her hand along the slightly warm glass.

Princess Celestia trotted regally to the wastelander’s side. Something about her inquisitive nature, yet general innocence intrigued her. “Well, yes and no. We have normal books and scrolls to keep track of things, however, when something momentous happens, we put it down in stained glass.” Celestia waved a hoof at the glass. “Right here, the Elements of Harmony are defeating Nightmare Moon.”

Moira’s curiosity was piqued by this newfound information. “The Elements of Harmony? What are those?”

Celestia smiled at this display of enthusiasm. “The Elements of Harmony are ancient artifacts left over from The Chaos War. They can quell great evils, and are able to restore peace and harmony to disturbed individuals.”

Moira dwelled upon this tidbit of info. “Huh... maybe we can use them to help the raider problem.”

Celestia began to move into the next stained glass, and Moira was close behind. “So, Princess, the whole land is populated by equines? Ponies and such?”

“Not entirely,” Celestia stated matter-of-factly. “We do have griffons, diamond dogs, dragons...” Moira’s eyes filled with wonder as the pristine white royalty listed the various races.

“Oh, I bet we’ve got lots of things here to go and test out... too bad Zach isn’t around to go and do the testing for me. Always complaining about ‘risk of death’, and ‘horrible pain’... oh, he was nearly as complainy as my other lab assistants.” Celestia found it a bit creepy how Moira’s voice didn’t change tone as she went into a tangent about how her research took things a bit too far.

The Princess stopped walking, and turned to face Moira. “Tell me, you’ve asked so many questions... I must ask you a few.”

“-and as I’ve always said, ‘Humanity’s sole purpose is for science’! I suppose my natural curiosity is what leads me to... ” the human paused at Celestia’s question. “Huh? Oh, alright! What do you want to know?”

“Where exactly are you from?”

“Oh!” Moira’s voice indicated that she was expecting quite a different question. “I’m from the former United States of America, now the Capital Wasteland.”

Celestia didn’t like the sound of “former” and “wasteland” in Moira’s statement. “Oh my... that sounds... well, terrible. What happened?”

Moira smiled pleasantly. “Oh, we got bombed! A war between us and China, although I don’t think that place really exists, to be honest...”

Celestia’s expression grew to to one of horrified curiosity. “At the risk of sounding redundant, that sounds terrible! So, it’s all a wasteland now?”

Moira nodded peppily. “Yes-siree! We’ve got horrible things like mirelurks, raiders, and super mutants... the radiation really did a wonder on old mother nature.” Moira sighed, her smile faltering for a second as she reflected on just how bad humanity had screwed themselves over. Her happiness returned not a second later, and she remedied her previous statement. “But, we wouldn’t have mole rats if it weren’t for the radiation, nor would I have met Zachy! Probably. Anyway, it’s always good to look on the bright side of fallout!”

Celestia took a slightly guilty look at her lush and fertile kingdom that lay sprawled before her just outside her window. Whomever this mysterious visitor was, in less than thirty minutes she had already introduced her to barely a sampler of what the sun goddess envisioned to be tartarus incarnate.

Moira had moved on to another stained glass picture, this one of the Elements defeating Discord. The odd mismatch of animal parts was the Lord of Chaos, and his reign was possibly the closest thing Equestria would have to the horror Moira had just escaped from.

“Ooh, these must be the same Elements defeating another one of those monsters! This one looks nearly as badly mutated as a centaur,” Moira practically squealed. “This is fantastic! I wonder if there are any books of them...”

“Actually,” Celestia said with a soft smile. “They’re still alive. Currently, they live in a town called Ponyville that’s a night’s ride by train from here. I’m sure I could arrange to get you there by tomorrow.”

“Oh, that would be splendid!” Moira hugged Celestia, whose eyes opened in surprise. Trying to ignore the grim and the other material that seemed to be ever present about the scientist, Celestia put a hoof around Moira’s back.

From what she’s described, it’s a wonder anyone could develop such an innocent personality and sunny disposition from that obviously hellish environment, Celestia thought to herself. Moira disengaged from her hug, and took another look around the room. The Princess of the Sun smiled. Moira reminded her a lot of a certain Element of Harmony...

“Oh, hey! Want to test a radiation theory for me?"

“A... what?”

“You know, radiation! the thing that makes the geiger counter tick, the nukes so deadly, and twists with DNA like a kitten plays with string?”

Celestia’s expression came up blank. Moira laughed it off, her optimism causing her to switch topics quickly. “Do you guys have mole rats here? I want to see if I can try and come up with something to tame them with, I’m sure you guys have all sorts of new chemicals and plants I can use!”

Celestia took a look at Moira’s mostly disheveled appearance. “I’m sure we can get right on, erm, that whatever you plan on doing right after we clean you up a bit. Is it hard to get food out in those wastes out in those wastes you come from?”

Moira shook her head, a lock of her hair russet hair coming loose from her bun and landing in front of her eye. “Nope, Megaton is pretty well stocked! Moriarty normally has some pretty good packaged foods, so does The Brass Lantern... I was always one for iguana on a stick, but there's always some pre-war stuff preserved by the radiation out there! Well, preserved used in its loosest meaning, but it tastes all the same with a good glass of brahmin milk!”

In all of Celestia’s reigne, she had only been baffled like she was when she talked to Moira three times before. Once when fighting through Discord’s continual mindfuck, another time during the attack of the psychopathic ones, and whenever Pinkie Pie was around. Celestia had shoved every experience with Pinkie Pie together to save time and brain space.

“Well,” Celestia responded, deciding not to waste another moment of frivolous ponderings, “I think we should get you a nice decent meal... after we clean you up first.”

Moira shrugged, and followed Celestia as she headed towards the royal bath chambers. “Oh, alright! Hm, do you mind telling me if you’ve ever tried expanding any of your cities or towns with explosives?”

Celestia gave Moira the “Are-you-sure-you-haven’t-sustained-major-brain-damage” look she occasionally gave Twilight. “I’m afraid not...”

“Oh, drat!”

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