Mystery Pinkie Pie Theater 3000
Chapter 62: Extremely Terrible and Horrifying Stories, Chapters 1-3
Previous Chapter Next ChapterHey folks, RatherHomely here with a crazy awesome treat. A while back, someone said to me, "Hey, you're always saying that any story can be riffed. What about stories YOU'VE written?"
Well, to all the people who wanted me to do it... (cracks knuckles) Challenge accepted.
Today's story is the very first Pony fic I ever wrote, Extremely Terrible and Horrifying Stories. I'd like to think my writing has improved sice this story, but I still love it to death. Plenty of fourth wall-breaking goodness, plenty of parody, and some decent writing. I am, of course, going to strongly recommend reading the un-riffed version (Self-promotion ftw!).
This story was also the origin of my OC, Author, who is the combined product of authors everywhere who write purely for attention and not to tell an entertaining story.
Enjoy!
Twilight: Hey author, what are you looking at?
Author: Hm? Oh, hey. Just cleaning out the trash.
Twilight: Oh, okay. Do you need any help?
Fluttershy: I'm great at organizing things. You should see Fallen Prime's shed now. It's nice and tidy!
Author: Yeah, sorry, but this is something I'd rather NOT share with you guys. Er, ponies.
Twilight: C'mon, it can't be THAT bad!
Author: I assure you, this brings back bad memories for- (Twilight yanks the pile of papers Author is holding out of his hands.) Hey!
Twilight: Let's see... 'Extremelly Terrible and Horrifying Stories'. Oh, I remember this... I remember this quite well.
Fluttershy: Not... THAT story!
Author: Ugh, yes, THAT story! An absolute train-wreck consisting of six failed attempts at writing gore! Because of you idiots!
Twilight: So you're going to throw it out? Just get rid of your mistakes in the trash?
Author: That's what I do with all of my mistakes. Including the bodies.
Fluttershy: Uh...
Author: Joking. (under his breath) Maybe...
Pinkie Pie: (from TV) You're just going to throw them out? That's no fun!
(Doors swing shut and lock.)
Author: Oh crap...
Twilight: Pinkie! You monster!
Pinkie Pie: (from TV) What?
Twilight: You're making us read his bad stories!
Author: Hey!
Fluttershy: Can't you just let us go...?
Pinkie Pie: (from TV) And miss all the fun? No way! Besides, isn't this like a nice trip down memory lane?
Twilight: Yeah, if memory lane was made out of piranhas.
Fluttershy: Oh! I love piranhas!
Author and Twilight: ... Really?
Fluttershy: I love all animals equally, even the small pointy-teethed ones.
(Buzzer sounds.)
All: We've got story sign!
Chapter 1: Applejack
Twilight: Amazing! You figured out how to count, Author!
Author: If you keep this up, you're going to be counting how many teeth I knock out of your mouth.
Alright, so I know what you're here for.
Fluttershy: Rainbows and sunshine?
Plenty of horror and stuff.
Fluttershy: Oh...
The three G's; Guts, Gore, and… um… Gobs of Guts. Yes.
Author: Indeed.
Prepare to enter a world where each of the Mane 6 is depicted in a most horroriffic (this may or may not be a word)
Fluttershy and Twilight: It's not a word.
Author: (grumbling) You don't know that for sure...
light, while still staying TRUE to their characters. You know that feeling in your stomach? That isn't butterflies. That's pure TERROR that only an extremely handsome and skilled writer like me can entice.
Twilight: It's true. Only really terrible writing can elicit such fear.
So, for this journey into a most certainly non-cupcakes story, I shall start with Applejack. But who will be the victim? Luckily, I have my classy victim spinner.
Author: I bought that at Best Buy. Only $9.99.
Only the Mane 6 is listed, so that way you'll feel somewhat more sympathetic towards whoever is being killed for your amusement.
Twilight: Wow, thanks for making us feel guilty, Author.
Let's give her a spin… and… Rainbow Dash! Let's go!
Fluttershy: Where are they going?
The heat outside was extraordinary, with temperatures pushing a good 100 degrees.
Fluttershy: Wow! That must be tough! 100 degrees is really heavy!
The air seemed to dance in front of Rainbow Dash's eyes as the heat caused everything to shimmer.
Author: Do the hustle!
Under the shade of a tree, Rainbow Dash was stranded as though on an island in the middle of an ocean,
Author: CBS presents; "Rainbow's Island", where Twilight forges technology purely out of apples.
a cool refuge in what today felt like a vast dessert. She gave a quick glance at the sky, cloudless, and with a sun that gazed back at her with a ferocious glare.
Fluttershy: Oh! Staring contest!
The heat seemed to cut right through the leaves of the tree she was resting under.
Twilight: Wow! Those heat waves are sharp!
"You'd think Celestia was angry at the world or something. I'm burning up here!" Rainbow Dash grumbled.
Author: Let's hope she doesn't get cooked into a pastry, eh?
Twilight: Stop.
If she were to go flying today, she'd quickly roast under the heat of the sun. Even the cool breeze that normally blew through her rainbow mane as she flew wouldn't be enough to keep her cool. And a pegasus like Rainbow Dash who wasn't flying, wasn't happy.
Author: Hey Fluttershy, is that true? Did I manage to capture what being grounded is like for a pegasus?
Fluttershy: Um... No.
Twilight: I think you're asking the wrong pegasus.
"How could today get any worse?" Rainbow Dash muttered, slumping back against her temporary tree home.
Twilight: Heads, she's tempting fate, or tails, she's foreshadowing. (flips coin and all stare as it lands) ... It landed on its side.
At least the tree was atop a small hill, which in turn gave a beautiful view of Equestria's spacious countryside.
Author: Ah, nothing more beautiful than looking at nothing interesting.
Rainbow Dash had an especially great view of Sweet Apple Acres. The few structures that made up the farm were easily dwarfed by the huge number of trees that coated the hills.
Fluttershy: I wonder what size coat the hill needs?
Rainbow Dash couldn't help but wonder how Applejack was coping with the heat. After all, this time of year was when all the apple bucking was done. It wasn't healthy to be out on a day like this. Well… herself excluded.
Fluttershy: ... Why? Is she immune to heat rays.
Author: My guess is she's Superman in disguise, and is powered by the sun.
Twilight: You GUESS? I thought you wrote this story!
But as Rainbow Dash continued to look at the farm she noticed a small figure in the distance. Was that…? Rainbow Dash puzzled over what pony would be crazy enough to try and endure this heat.
Twilight: Forget that. What pony is crazy enough to endure this story?
She quickly concluded that sitting there and doing nothing would bring her no closer to solving that mystery.
Author: Brilliant deduction, Sherlock.
Rainbow Dash launched herself into the air, and a quick flight brought her to the figure's side.
Author: Who's that ponymon?
"Hey Applejack!" Rainbow Dash called.
Author: It's Applejack!
She landed besides her friend, who was standing there, staring at an apple tree, a hard look on her face.
Fluttershy: She must've tried staring down a cockatrice.
Her eyes seemed slightly bloodshot, as though she lacked sleep. "Some day, huh? It's so hot! I mean, even hotter than yesterday, and that was really bad too!" Rainbow Dash grinned at Applejack. Was her friend going to stare at apples all day?
All: Yes.
"Applejack, you should really get inside. It's really hot out here. You wouldn't be helping anypony if you turn into a pony steak, you know?" Rainbow Dash laughed, but it quickly turned into an awkward one, since Applejack hadn't made a single noise.
Twilight: "So... I heard you like apples?
She was just staring at that tree. Rainbow Dash smiled nervously. She hadn't offended Applejack, had she?
Fluttershy: It's not you. It's just the story.
She tried again. "So, uh, Applejack…"
"They're dying, Rainbow Dash."
Twilight: One sentence and she's out of character. That's a new record.
Author: Hey, she's not THAT out of character...
Rainbow Dash started at the silence being shattered with a cold, hard hammer that was Applejack's voice.
Fluttershy: I never knew you could use your vocal chords for yard work.
"What was that? What's dying?"
A fierce gaze was now directed at Rainbow Dash. "The apples. All my hard work and care. They're wasting away before they're even leaving the tree."
Twilight: Quick! Try to rationalize the psycho behavior before the reader catches on that the story is ridiculous.
Rainbow Dash slowly backed away from the intense gaze. Recently in Cloudsdale there'd been a problem with cloud production, resulting in a drought that'd been two weeks in length, and still ongoing. A devastating blow to earth ponies like Applejack. Rainbow Dash understood why Applejack was frustrated, but she didn't think AJ would become so… harsh.
Fluttershy: Don't worry, Rainbow, she's just being harsh because it's in the script.
"They're just apples. It's not like they're your family or anything." Rainbow Dash said with a nervous laugh accompanying it. And instantly she realized that was an extremely stupid thing to say. After all, practically everyone in Applejack's family had there name based off of some apple delicacy.
Twilight: There you go. I guess that means the Apples and the apples are related.
"Oh, geez, that came out wrong…"
Author: "I MEANT to say that I hope you experience Sweet Apple Massacre a thousand times."
Rainbow Dash began, but Applejack cut her off, with a stare unwavering and seeming to be made of steel.
"So you're one of those people." Applejack reached into the satchel she was carrying on her back, taking out a single apple. "Here."
"What am I supposed to do with this?"
Fluttershy: Rainbow Dash isn't very smart in this story, is she?
"Consarnit! Just eat the damned thing!"
Twilight: "We have a gore scene to get to, and I refuse to stand around and develop our characters!"
Rainbow Dash didn't want to anger her friend anymore and quickly swallowed the apple. But it didn't taste right. Her stomach… it was doing all the maneuvers that Rainbow Dash usually did in the sky. "What is…?" She whispered, before collapsing to the ground, losing consciousness.
Author: THAT'S why you always keep you consciousness on a leash.
Her stomach still ached as Rainbow Dash slowly opened her eyes. She could feel herself
Author: (sniggers)
Twilight: Shut up. (slaps Author in back of head)
sitting in a wooden, straight-backed chair, and she seemed to be in some room in Applejack's house. But this room was dim, with all the windows and doors leading to the outside world closed. The slivers of light that slipped through the cracks were the only means of illumination, and they were enough. Enough to see the room was packed with apples.
Fluttershy: Do you actually think AJ just leaves a whole bunch of apples in her house?
Twilight: "Sorry about the mess, the apples needed a place to sleep for the night."
They filled crates, littered the floor, and covered the wooden table that was a short distance in front of Rainbow Dash. And out of the corner of her eye; was that some sort of red stuff smeared across the floor?
Author: That's lipstick. The floor has a hot date later.
The smear stretched from her chair to a door with no lighting coming from the cracks, so it must lead to the inner workings of the Apple family abode.
It's ketchup, that's all, Rainbow Dash reasoned. Nothing more. It's not like Applejack has blood covering her floor. But her mind quickly shifted from the mess to a particular apple in the room. Applejack.
Author: I see what I did there! You know, with the apple. Cause they both have apple in their name.
Twilight and Fluttershy: ...
Author: It seemed funnier when I wrote it...
"So you're awake." Applejack's voice had grown no less hard in the time that had passed.
Author: Bleh... Must...keep myself... from making... crude jokes...
Rainbow Dash groaned, her stomach continuing to ache. "What happened, Applejack?"
"Must've been a bad apple." Came the reply. Applejack set a plate on the table in front of Rainbow Dash. It had a pile of apples. "Eat em'."
"I don't know about this Applejack… My stomach's still killing me…"
"Eat the damn apples."
(Twilight and Fluttershy start laughing hysterically.)
Author: Hey! That line is supposed to be intimidating!
Twilight: Applejack singing the cupcake song would be more intimidating than that line!
Rainbow Dash was scared. She began to slowly pick up an apple and started to chew. "You know," Applejack began to speak,
Author: Oh boy. Here's comes the Hannibal Lector speech.
pacing as Rainbow Dash was finishing off the apple in her hooves. "Pinkie Pie was just like you. She walks up to me, saying how apples are nuthin but silly fruits. She didn't appreciate my hard work. She didn't appreciate my apples."
Author: ARRRRGH! THE INNUENDOS! I MUSTN'T MENTION THEM!
At this she turned to Rainbow Dash, who was done with the apple. "Eat another." The frightened pony hastily grabbed another apple. And as she chewed, she could feel juice from the apple splattering against her face. Or was that tears from her eyes?
Fluttershy: No, those tears are from our eyes... Crying because we have to read this...
Applejack continued to pace. "I brought her back here. I made her appreciate them. I made her. And let me tell you, when I was done with her, she was close to bursting. I reckon she did, actually. I reckon she nearly choked on em'…"
Author: "Luckily I know the Heimlich maneuver and saved her life."
Rainbow Dash wanted to leave that hard wooden seat,
Author: Stop using the word hard!
Fluttershy: But you're the one who wrote this.
Author: Yeah, that's the worst part!
to get up and run away, but fear kept her glued to that chair.
Twilight: Fear-Brand Superglue.
Author: Wait a second... You're a pony... And you know what glue is?
Twilight: Yeah. We have glue in Equestria.
Author: ... I'm just going to keep that thought I just had to myself.
What had AJ done to Pinkie Pie? Her hoof shook, as she took the final bite of her second apple.
"Eat another."
Rainbow Dash was definitely crying now. "Please AJ… I'm full. Really. I didn't mean to insult your apples! Just let me go! Please!"
Twilight: Death by apples. That's, what, fourth on the top ten most humiliating ways to die?
Author: I think so. Right behind dying from reading a really awful story.
"You want to leave? Only one way out for you…" AJ walked over to the door where the red trail ended, and she reached for the door.
Well, almost the door. Rainbow Dash was almost blinded when Applejack flipped the light switch that was on the wall right beside it.
Twilight: Death by being blinded by a light. What a way to go.
Author: Oh, stop it!
AJ smiled, and asked, "Would you mind using the door over there?" She pointed to the door that light was streaming from. "Big Macintosh is sleeping, and you do NOT want to mess with his beauty sleep." A shocked look ran across Applejack's face when she saw the state Rainbow Dash was in.
Author: Minnesota.
"What in tarnations? You're crying!"
Rainbow Dash sniffed. "You really scared me, Applejack! The way you were acting… You were so cold…
Fluttershy: There was snow and everything.
And when I heard you talking about Pinkie Pie, and I saw the blood…"
"The what?"
All: THE BLOOD!
Author: What are you, deaf?
Applejack looked down at the floor and laughed. "Darlin, that ain't blood!
Twilight: "Darling"?
Author: ... What? Doesn't she usually say that?
Pinkie Pie was trying to put ketchup on some of my apples, and some of it got on the floor!" A soft look now appeared on Applejack's face. "Look, I'm sorry I worried you Rainbow Dash. The drought's just been mighty frustrating, and I've been a bit cold with everypony. When you ate that bad apple, I thought maybe a few more would perk you back up."
Fluttershy: If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what does one bad apple and two good ones do?
Twilight: Turn you into an alicorn?
"And… and why was it all dark and creepy?"
"You want more light and heat during this drought? I wanted to keep the inside of the house cool!"
Author: You might say she wanted it, (puts on shades) 20% cooler. (kicked in the face by Twilight)
With the misunderstanding out of the way, the two friends shared a long, warm hug, and all was-
Fluttershy: Well. ... Is that it? Are we done?
Author: STOP!
Fluttershy: EEEK!
Twilight: Author!
Author: It wasn't me! It was, um, other me! Damn, this is going to be confusing...
Stop this right now! Cut the description, switch to script format, and just. Stop. Everything.
All: ...
Fluttershy: Does that include reading this story?
Twilight: We aren't that lucky.
You two. Come here!
Rainbow Dash: What's up?
Applejack: Did we do something wrong?
Twilight: Participate in this story, for one.
Author: Do something wrong? DO SOMETHING WRONG! Yes! What the hell was that ending?
Fluttershy: Um, something better than what you were originally planning?
Author: Ouch! When Fluttershy insults you, it BURNS!
Fluttershy: Oh, um, sorry...
This is a horror fic, not some lovey-dovey, friendship fic! People came here to see blood, not freaking ketchup on the floor!
Applejack: Alright, mister genius writer.
Author: That's obviously not sarcasm.
Twilight: You go ahead and think that.
What were you expecting?
Author: You know, something crazy! I was expecting you to, I don't know, force feed her apples till she burst! You, know the pressure of the apples ripping open RD's skin, guts and stuff spilling onto the floor along with apple chunks. Something gory! The readers lap that crap right up!
Fluttershy: Are your readers cats?
Author: (sighs) It's an expression, Fluttershy.
Rainbow Dash: That's nasty! Who'd ever want to read that?
Author: You kidding me? If cupcakes can get tons of readers, this'll easily make me just as famous! Step 1: Offensive gore. Step 2: Viral attraction. Step 3: question mark. Step 4: Profit.
Author: ... You know, looking back, I didn't have a very good plan going on.
Rainbow Dash: Let me rephrase my question; Who'd ever enjoy reading that?
Author: You don't need to enjoy it, just find it offensive. Then forums will forever discuss my name! But now the story sucks. It was supposed to be simple. You poison Rainbow Dash, take her back to your barn-house-thing, and feed her to death! It's perfect!
Applejack: But why in tarnation would I do that?
Author: …Excuse me?
All: You're excused.
Applejack: You said at the very beginning you were gonna stay true to our characters. Why. Would I. Do that?
Author: Because… You know… You're frustrated about how hard you're working, and no one appreciates it. Or your apples. Yeah, the apples especially.
Applejack: For Pete's sake, they're just apples! You think I've never dealt with a drought before? I'm not gonna go crazy over it!
Author: Well, you're still being overworked…
Applejack: Nice try. We already addressed that problem in episode 4.
Twilight: Speaking of the number 4...
Fluttershy: Um, I think the 4th wall is already broken. I don't think it can by anymore broken.
Author: Au contraire, mon frere.
Fluttershy: ... Excuse me?
Author: ... Nevermind.
Author: Well, that's true, but-
Rainbow Dash: Hey author, I was reading over the story, and why is AJ just carrying a bag of "poisoned" apples?
Author: Oh, um… Maybe because-
Author: Hah! Now I have all the time in the world to address that question! You see, the reason is-
Fluttershy: Um, question. Why is Rainbow outside if it's so hot?
Author: ... Oh, god damn it Fluttershy...
Rainbow Dash: And if Applejack's so concerned about her apples, why are they just lying around in the room and not in storage where they can be protected?
Twilight: I like this. The characters are doing our job for us.
Author: That's a good question. Not sure on the answer-
Twilight Sparkle: You mind if I cut in? I couldn't help but notice that you wanted Rainbow Dash to "literally" burst? Now, if Rainbow Dash was given enough apples to make her stomach split, then the internal bleeding would cause death long before she could eat enough apples to burst her skin open. And about the science behind the apples "dying" on the trees…
Author: STOP! All of you just shut up! I wanted to make a story! I give you ponies some free reign, and what do I get? Bitching! Bitching and suckiness!
Fluttershy: (blushes) You, uh, have quite the vocabulary, Author.
Twilight: Yeah, I can just see why you're such an amazing writer, what with that language...
And you know what? I don't care. I've got 5 more ponies to make an awesome gore story out of! I don't need this one to be successful! Now go!
Applejack: Aren't we gettin paid?
Author: GO! End story!
Twilight: Hey, did we ever get paid for this?
Author: Um... Uh... Hey! Look! Author notes!
Alright guys, sorry about that. I know you came in expecting a good gore story,
Twilight: Don't worry. We weren't.
but SOME ponies had to go and change the ending on me. No worries, the next fic is guaranteed to be good!
Fluttershy: Why don't I believe you...?
Rarity is always obsessing with clothes, there's got to be a possibility for craziness somewhere in there… Bah. If any of you guys want to take a shot at an appropriate gore ending, be my guest!
Fluttershy: Are you... trying to get somepony to write the ending for you?
Author: Um... Er... No.
Maybe the ponies will listen to you more than they listen to me! *Grumble grumble*
Chapter 2: Rarity
Author: I bet this is going to be a real 'gem' of a chapter!
Fluttershy: Um, if it is, it's going to be a real 'Rarity'.
Twilight: No! Fluttershy! Don't emulate the Author! Bad puns are bad!
Alright, so the last fic was a bust. What was supposed to be awesome and gory, well… wasn't. A FLUKE I SAY!
Author: Oh, me... I f only I could go back in time... I'd tell you so many things...
Today's horrortastic
Fluttershy: "Horrortastic"?
Twilight: Are you even trying?
production focuses on one Rarity, whose love for clothes will drive her to vile depths! She'll… um… Make a meat suit or something. Wait, aren't meat suits now socially exceptable ever since Lady Gaga did it...?
Author: Ha ha! Watch my clever pokes at pop culture!
Never mind! I refuse to let pop culture jokes invade my beautiful story! Now, who'll be the next victim…?
Author: Run script mode!
Twilight: Hey, whatever happened to script mode?
Author: Oh, I still use it. I just don't really make a big deal out of it. We're using it right now. Actually... Run description mode!
Twilight looked around her in surprise. She was still in the Author's studio, but it seemed... different. Everything seemed to have more detail to it. SHe, Fluttershy and Author were all seated, facing a large screen where text was slowly scrolling.
"See?" Author said. "We're still using it. It's just that this takes longer to do. Run script mode!"
Author: Besides, it takes way too long to describe every little detail.
Spike!
Spike: Yes author?
Author: #1 assistant, fetch me my classy victim spinner!
Twilight: Hey! You stole my assistant!
Author: That's what you get for not offering dental benefits.
Spike: Right away sir! (Runs off for spinner.)
Author: Now, how to freak people out… A Rarity creating odd plush dolls of other ponies? Stitching the clothing she made directly onto the skin so the victim can't take it off? Meh. I'll discuss it with Rarity during the opening exposition. She may have a good idea.
Fluttershy: Um... Who are you talking to?
Twilight: The spirits of the per-readers he's killed with his writing, most likely.
Spike: Your classy spinner sir!
Author: Thanks kid. Have a lapis lazuli. Wrote it into existence myself.
Twilight: Show off.
Author: Hey, don't make me write you a muzzle.
Now let's give it a spin… (Spins spinner) And it's… Rainbow Dash? Again? Well, I guess there's going to be repeats. Eh. Whatever. Okay, get ready for paragraph mode! Prepare flowery descriptions! And… Start story!
Rainbow Dash was a mess.
Twilight: Last night must've been another Daring Do fest.
That's to be expected of course when you've just finished knocking down a barn. Particularly a barn that Applejack had asked Rainbow Dash to destroy. All the dust and grime had matted in her hair,
Twilight: Her WHAT?
Author: Heh heh... Just a little error there...
creating dirty clumps, and her mane was mussed up, less like a beautiful rainbow and more akin to a sonic rainboom. As a whole, she seemed to be just a tad bit darker than she normally was, going from a light blue to a light blue with a brown tinge.
Fluttershy: Couldn't you have just said that her coat had a brown tinge?
Author: Shut up. (tears form in her eyes) Gah! Um, don't cry! I was talking to myself! Shut up, me! You're story is so stupid!
Twilight: Good job. (hands FLuttershy five bits)
Fluttershy: Works every time.
"Well I'll be!" Applejack came out from a nearby ditch, as the amount of debris flying around made it dangerous to stand in the open. "You were so thorough, all me and Big Macintosh'll need to do is pick up the pieces!"
"Well," the rainbow pony grinned. "What did you expect? I'm Rainbow Dash! Anything I do, I do awesomely!"
Twilight: What about going to the bathroom?
Fluttershy: Or eating soup?
Author: Or flossing?
Applejack laughed. "Oh, you are so full of yourself! Well, thanks for taking care of this for me! I'll make sure to send you a satchel-full of some of my finest apples." Rainbow Dash couldn't help but lick her lips at the thought of some of Sweet Apple Acres' high quality products. "It's the least I can do for ya, Rainbow."
Author: Geez, what a minimalist. She does the bare-minimum for a reward.
"Got any other barns you need destroying? I'm still raring to go!"
Applejack couldn't help but smile at Rainbow Dash's eager enthusiasm. "Sorry, but that's all I got for ya. Now do yourself a favor and take a bath! You're an absolute mess!"
Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes.
Author: I guess she got 'snake eyes', eh? (Fluttershy and Twilight facehoof)
"Alright, alright. See you later Applejack!" And off like a rocket Rainbow Dash flew,
Author: "This is mission control, she has cleared the tower."
with Applejack waving her off. Truth be told, Rainbow Dash didn't mind she was dirty. Actually, she was proud of it. Dirt and grime were like temporary scars, they proved you put in a hard days work, and showed you were tough enough to get the job done. But… a bath would be nice right about now, Rainbow Dash thought. A dirty wing could hardly perform the tricks that would land her a role in -her heart skipped a beat-
Author: Clear! BZZZT!
the Wonderbolts!
Fluttershy: Actually, I flown just fine with a dirty wing before...
Author: Stop poking holes in my plot! If this plot was a ship, you'd have sunk it by now!
Rainbow Dash landed outside the beauty salon, where anypony could get a quick, relaxing bath.
Twilight: Except Hugh Jelly. He's banned after the strawberry incident.
And that's when Rarity stepped out, nearly bumping into Rainbow Dash. "Oh my, sorry dear-" But Rarity stopped short when she saw the condition that Rainbow Dash was in. She gaped in astonishment at the pony that was currently the polar opposite of everything she stood for.
Fluttershy: I guess she should, uh, sit then?
"Rainbow Dash! What happened to your wonderful hair? And that mane! I've seen squirrel tails cleaner that that rag!"
Twilight: Wow, Rarity really knows how to treat a friend.
Rainbow Dash snickered at her friend's overreaction. "Oh, I just got it a bit dirty. No biggie."
"No biggie!" Rarity shouted. A few passing ponies turned their heads.
Author: And immediately had to cover their eyes to block out the intense fabulousness that is Rarity.
"Rainbow Dash, beauty is one of the important things in the world! Your hair is part of what defines who you are! You have to care for it! Your pelt, it's… it's… Like your identity!"
Rainbow Dash snorted.
Author: Cocaine. (slapped meekly by Fluttershy)
Fluttershy: Um, please stop...
"C'mon Rarity, looks aren't everything. I mean, I barely take care of this bunch of fluff, and I haven't lost my 'identity' or anything. Just chill!"
Twilight: And so, Rarity spent the rest of her life in a freezer. The end.
Rarity was giving Rainbow Dash an odd look now. And as the seconds piled on, Rainbow Dash began to feel uncomfortable. "So…" Rarity whispered. "You don't think looks are important?" Her eye twitched. "How would you like it if someone came along and plucked that gorgeous skin right off?"
Author: ... Am I the only one interpreting this as kinky?
Twilight: Hey, you're the one that wrote this.
Author: That's the sad part.
Rainbow Dash laughed nervously.
Twilight: I'm getting the feeling she's going to be doing a lot of that this story...
"I'm sure that would feel pretty weird, heh. Good one, Rarity!"
But Rarity wasn't listening to Rainbow Dash.
Author: Who does?
Rainbow Dash: (from TV) Hey!
She was reaching into her bag, and after some rummaging, brought out a bottle of what seemed to be perfume. "You simply MUST smell this."
Twilight: ... Author?
Author: Yes?
Twilight: Have I ever mentioned how weird your set-ups are?
She said, though it came out as more of a command than a suggestion.
Rainbow Dash, leaned forward warily, and sniffed at the bottle, and jerked back when Rarity sprayed it in her face. "This stuff smells awful!" cried Rainbow Dash, scratching at her nose with a hoof, as though that could ward off the scent. It didn't. The smell seemed to stick around, and it felt as though it was choking Rainbow Dash.
"Funny," Rarity commented dryly.
Author: Hold on, I think I have a water bottle she can take a sip from...
"I use that perfume all the time. See what you're missing? Come along," The malicious smile that Rarity gave Rainbow Dash was the last thing she saw before blacking out. And the final words of, "I'm going to show you how important beauty is."
Twilight: Um... Ominous?
Rainbow Dash slowly regained consciousness.
Twilight: Okay, considering how often this is probably going to happen, is it agreed we shall no longer make any jokes about losing or regaining consciousness?
Fluttershy and Author: Agreed.
As she opened her eyes, she saw another pair of eyes staring back at her. With a cry of surprise, Rainbow Dash jumped away from the figure, and it did the same. Breathing heavily out of fright, Rainbow Dash stared at the other pony, which she now recognized as her reflection in a large mirror which stretched all the way to the ceiling. As Rainbow Dash regained her bearings,
Fluttershy: She's facing north-west.
she found she was surrounded by room high mirrors; a small, octagonal room where the walls were all reflective.
"Like it?" Rarity's voice echoed, coming from seemingly everywhere at one. "All the mirrors are one way, so even though you can't see me, I can see you just fine. Also, did I mention there's no way out?" A laugh reverberated through the room.
Rainbow Dash began to panic. "Ha ha," she laughed nervously. "You're always the kidder Rarity…" That was hardly true, and Rainbow Dash knew it.
Fluttershy: Actually, I think Rarity kids all the time too...
Author: Hey, do YOU want to write this story?
"Can I get out now?"
"But the fun's hardly started!" Rarity's voice cried out again. "If you look in the mirror, you'll notice I cleaned you up while you were busy being unconscious." And so she was. Not a single speck of dust lay on Rainbow Dash's blue pelt. Not only that, but her hair was brushed, and her mane was perfectly combed, not a single strand out of place.
Fluttershy: "Actually, it looks like there's one strand out of place..."
Twilight: "Blast! Now I need to knock you unconscious again to fix it!"
"Held in place by industrial strength hair gel, of course.
Author: She went through twenty cans.
Twilight: Industrial strength? Is that why Rainbow's glowing?
You know, I've always admired your beautiful coat, Dashie darling.
Author: "Thanks! It's mink!"
And that smooth skin… I would love it to be my own. I'd adore having hair like that.
Twilight: Do you know anything about ponies and the proper terminology?
Author: Ignorance is bliss, I always say.
Twilight: But that-
Author: IGNORANCE. IS. BLISS.
You might say I'd even kill." Rainbow Dash gulped. There's gotta be a way out of here, she thought. Look for a handle or something!
Author: She needs to get a 'handle' on the situation! (smacked by Twilight)
"When I mentioned identity earlier, Rainbow, I wasn't kidding. Why, if I had that beautiful, beautiful coat of yours, I'd practically be you. In fact, how would anyone be able to tell the difference.
Fluttershy: Um, the smell for starters...
For all anypony would know, it'd be you running around, and not some other pony in disguise..."
Twilight: Yeah, that would work. Until a search party is sent out for Rarity.
Rainbow Dash let out a nervous laugh. "Ain't that something?" she said, feeling along the mirror walls for some sort of handle. Rainbow Dash couldn't help but think that she seemed to be laughing nervously a lot today.
Author: So we aren't the only ones who noticed.
"Indeed. Fluttershy said the same thing. The funny thing about you two is that both of you don't mind getting… dirty." That last word was said with a hiss.
Author: That forked-tongue surgery was worth every penny.
"Her and her filthy animals…
Fluttershy: ...
Twilight: Um, Fluttershy? Are you okay?
Fluttershy: ... Author? You're responsible for this script, right?
Author: Um, yes.
Fluttershy: ... Can I have a word in private?
Author: Er, sure. (Fluttershy and Author head to separate room as Twilight continues.)
It drives me CRAZY how such beautiful skin could go mistreated. Why, if I could only have that pelt for myself, I'd make sure it stayed neat and tidy."
There were no handles! There really WAS no way out!
"Fluttershy thought I was being a bit too much of a neat freak for my own good! Hah! I showed her!
Twilight: I switched up the organization of my sock drawer!
And I must say... Her beautiful hair made for great clothing…"
And then it dawned on Rainbow Dash. And she knew she had to get out. NOW.
Twilight: The burrito she had earlier was just NOT agreeing with her.
"Let me go!" She yelled, and slammed her hoof against the mirror in front of her. To Rainbow's shock, it turned out that the window was actually a door that opened outwards.
Twilight: Also, to my shock, the mirror didn't break into-
Author: (from other room) ARRRRRRRRRGGGHHHHHHHH!
Fluttershy: (trots back in, grinning) He said to finish the chapter without him.
The handle she'd been looking for must've been on the other side! But then a new horror filled Rainbow Dash; in front of her, on a rack, was Fluttershy's skin, neatly laid out as though it was the newest fashion wear.
Fluttershy: Oh no! I was using that skin too!
Pink mane and all. Rainbow Dash screamed, her mind trying to shut out the reality that presented itself to her.
Twilight: Try as you might, Rainbow, you can't shut out the reality that you're stuck in a bad story.
"Is it really that dreadful?" Rainbow Dash now noticed Rarity, who had a concerned look on her face.
"Dreadful?!" cried Rainbow Dash. "You monster, it's…"
Fluttershy: "It clashes with my coat!"
And then she took another look at Fluttershy's skin.
Rarity walked up to her. "Monster? Even Fluttershy didn't think it was that bad when I showed it to her."
Rainbow Dash walked over to what she'd previously thought was Fluttershy's skin. On closer examination, it wasn't that at all. What it really was a nearly full-bodied outfit with a design obviously based on Fluttershy's delicate appearance,
Twilight: Obviously.
with an airy feel to it.
"That's…" Rainbow Dash muttered.
Fluttershy joined her by the outfit. "Isn't it fabulous? I told you Fluttershy made for great clothing! A few diamonds and this will be all the rage in Canterlot! I had an idea recently, you see. I noticed how natural beauty is sometimes the greatest beauty there is (Though a gorgeous gown always helps to supplement that beauty!),
Fluttershy: I wonder how she did that?
Twilight: Did what?
Fluttershy: Say the parenthesis?
Twilight: It's all in the lips, Fluttershy.
so I thought, well, why not try incorporating that feeling of au natural into my clothing line? And… Voila! I'm making a whole line of clothing based after my five most esteemed companions in Ponyville!
Twilight: Bon-Bon, Colgate, Hayseed, Lyra, and Big Mac.
What do you think?"
Rainbow Dash stood in shock for a moment. Then she began to laugh. "Geez, Rarity, you scared the hay out of me! First I'm talking to you in the street, next thing I know I wake up in a house of mirrors!"
Rarity flashed a smile, looking embarrassed. "Yes, sorry about early. I was a bit angry with your lack of care concerning fashion, and when I tried to get you to smell some of my favorite perfume, I by mistakenly grabbed a bottle of a potion I got from Zecora. As for waking up in the room of mirrors, well…
Twilight: Wait, no, go back to that last sentence. Why did she need a potion from Zecora?
Fluttershy: Easy; it's in case she needs a plot device on short notice.
I knew when you woke up, you'd want to see how fabulous of a cleaning job I did! Well, I thought you'd be excited..."
"You kidding me? You did an awesome job! I'm not going to need a bath for weeks!
Fluttershy: I really hope she's kidding...
Twilight: I knew Rainbow had a bit of a funky smell to her lately.
I've never been so clean in my life! But you said I couldn't escape from the room. What's up with that?"
"Darling, I was joking. Didn't you hear me laugh?"
"Oh, duh! Sorry, Rarity!" How could Rainbow Dash ever think bad thoughts about her good friend? "So how's the 'Rainbow Dash' style coming along?"
Author: (groaning from the next room) "It still needs to be 20% cooler..."
"Oh I can't wait for you to see the work I've-"
Author: Stop! Switch to script! Dear Princess Celestia, what am I doing wrong?
Twilight: Oh, Author... You just set yourself up so perfectly for insults.
Rarity: Don't be too hard on yourself, dear. After all, it is difficulty to fully encompass the beauty and grace that is Rarity!
Author: Correction, it's not what I did wrong; it's what you did wrong. What the hell happened in the end? You and me discussed before hand you were going to be using the victim's skin as the clothing, not just basing the clothing off the victim's appearance! You know how awesomely gory that would have been?
Rainbow Dash: (dryly) No, tell us.
Author: (limping back in) I thought I already gave her water.
Author: Oh, um… I suppose an… 8 out of 10? Maybe…? Come on, you're a rip-off of Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs! It's foolproof!
Twilight: But is it Author-proof?
Fluttershy: I'm not sure anything is...
Author: Oh, come on! I'm right here!
Rarity: Yes, well, I know that we discussed all this before the performance, but then I got to thinking about it, and I came to the conclusion that it really doesn't suit my character.
Twilight: ... Was the use of the word 'suit' on purpose?
Author: I don't think so. But subconscious puns are still puns.
Author: Crap, not the character argument again… This whole 'staying true to the original character' is going to keep biting me in the ass, isn't it?
All: Yes. Yes it is.
Rarity: I mean, I can't stand a teensy bit of dirt. What makes you think I'd be fine with blood spurting all over the place? I could get some on my precious mane!
Author: …Huh. I'll admit that's a decent point...
Rarity: Also, why would I ever use pony skin as a material to make clothes? Even if I was 'insane', wouldn't I still have all my knowledge about making clothes? Skin is hardly elegant, and though fur is long lasting the skin is not.
Author: Gotcha! Skin IS long lasting! You just need to tan it! I didn't make the mistake this time!
Twilight: (rolls eyes) Congratulations...
And this isn't even fur! You don't use pony hair for clothing!
Author: What do you want me to do? Make a gore story about not being gory?
Twilight and Fluttershy: Yes!
Author: Pansies...
Rarity: In any case, I decided that instead of doing such a ghastly thing as turn skin into clothing, I'd develop a new, highly fashionable line of clothing instead! I call it, 'Equestria Girls'! I've already set up a fashion show if you want to come!
Fluttershy: Wow. She set that up fast...
Here's your ticket!
Author: That fashion show was probably the one awesome thing to come out of this story. I even got a neato t-shirt.
Author: I'm so happy for you. And I'm sure the readers love being screwed out of a gory story… Oh, and I'll think about showing up. Maybe.
Rarity: Fabulous!
Rainbow Dash: And I know I kind of brought up this point last chapter, but why is it, in your version of the story, Rarity is just carrying poison perfume around?
Author: Hell, I don't know, maybe…
Author: Okay, I'll answer this now. You see, Rarity-
Fluttershy: Say, um, why didn't Rarity notice Rainbow's distress till she was outside the room? The mirrors are one-way...
Author: ... Let's just move on...
Rarity: And what's with that room of mirrors? Why would I ever have one when it's far more efficient to use a half circle like any regular clothing store?
Author: Hey, half-circles aren't exactly creepy…
Rainbow Dash: And why am I going to a beauty salon to get cleaned off? My house is a freaking cloud, aka made of pure water molecules.
Twilight: Actually, that's an awful point. You can't clean yourself off with a cloud, the molecules are frozen.
Author: Look, if you're gonna nitpick…
Twilight: And if I may interject, skin naturally dries and withers over time, at least considering the lack of tools to preserve said skin…
Author: NO! Everyone just SHUT UP!
All: Fine!
Fluttershy: We're just trying to offer some constructive criticism...
Just… (sigh)… End story…
Once again guys, I'm so sorry this didn't go as planned. Ponies. What're you going to do with them?
Fluttershy: Not right gore stories about them?
Twilight: Wishful thinking.
Anyway, the good news is I still have a good four ponies to work with. Tune in next time for the insanities of Rainbow Dash! Please review, but only so you can tell these stupid ponies that no one likes these wimpy endings! I mean, everyone wants gore, right? Right?
All: (exchange glances)
Author: Yeah, about that...
Chapter 3: Rainbow Dash
Welcome back, gore fans. Are you ready for today's horrortastic
Twilight: Was the horror plus prefix supposed to be a running joke?
Author: Of course not! I mean, who would try something as lame as... Yes. Yes it was.
experience? I'm going to assume you said yes.
Fluttershy: Could you please, um, not assume?
Anyway, today's maniac of choice is… Wait, hold on a second.
Author: Script mode! What is it Rainbow Dash?
Author: "It's the keyboard, sir. It's gone on strike. 'Not getting paid enough to be pounded on relentlessly', it says.
Rainbow Dash: Author, I know you've been pretty peeved lately with how things have been turning out, but there's no need to fear! Rainbow Dash is here!
Twilight: That's every reason to fear.
Rainbow Dash: (from TV) Hey! I'm still here you know!
Author: Fear is all I'm experiencing now. So, what did you have in mind for your crazy spree? Are you going to give everyone freaking hugs or something?
Rainbow Dash: Hugs? Bleh! Rainbow Dash doesn't give out hugs!
Fluttershy: She gives out fliers for local charities.
Author: I don't think that's what she had in mind.
What I'm going to give you is lots of gore! Blood spraying, ribs cracking, the whole works!
Author: Well, gee, that's just… Wait, really? That's great! Finally, a pony who understands what I'm doing! So, I was thinking about how you should be crazy…
Rainbow Dash : Brony, just leave it all to me!
Author: Hey! I'm not a brony! I'm an Equine Enthusiast!
You take care of the writing and the plot, and I'll handle all the gore and stuff!
Author: Sweet! Alright, let's get this show underway! (Claps hands)
Spike: Your classy spinner, sir.
Author: Thank you. I got a jade and an emerald, take your pick.
Spike: Both? (Sheepish grin)
Author: (pause)
Author: Good, we can grab some popcorn and go to the bathroom. Break time!
Twilight: So, Author, what inspired you to write this?
Author: Attention.
Twilight: ... Why do I get the feeling you're being way too shallow about this?
Author: Don't be ridiculous. All I need to do is write something, put a sentence that tells what apony is going to do in the story- For example, 'Rainbow Dash gets Punched in the Face- and BAM! I'm on the popular list!
Fluttershy: I only think that actually worked a few times...
Author: Bah! I don't need to explain myself to either of you! My genius is to amazing to comprehend?
Twilight: Tell me, how's the view from that pedestal of yours?
Author: Humbug!
(Buzzers sound.)
All: We've got story sign!
(Author presses play on remote)
Why not? I got more. Now, for the spin! (Spins spinner) It's… Ah hell, Rainbow Dash. Again.
Rainbow Dash: But I'm the designated villain for this episode, I can't scare myself.
Fluttershy: Why not? I scare myself ll the time. (notices her shadow) EEP!
Author: No problem, I'll just give it another spin, and… Rainbow Dash. Why, oh why… Wait, idea! Spike!
Spike: Um, yeah?
Author: You're Rainbow Dash now!
Spike: B-b-b-but, I can't be her! What if she gets…?
Fluttershy: A manicure?
Twilight: A clue?
Author: Down with her bad self?
Rainbow Dash: I'm not going to be angry!
Spike: I don't want to be the victim! I'm just a baby dragon! I have so many years I haven't lived yet!
Author: Guess what? Don't care.
Twilight: Oh, Author. As kindly as always.
Author: I try.
Spike: But I have no idea what…
Author: Start story!
Fluttershy: Poor Spike. Will he ever finish a sentence?
"…Rainbow Dash will do to me." Spike looked around, confused by how he was now in Twilight's home. "Oh man, I'm in the story! What if Rainbow Dash is hiding around the next corner?" Spike slowly tiptoed around the house, warily glancing around bookshelves and doorways, as though a mass murderer was going to leap out and stab him to death. "She could be anywhere…"
Author: Even... RIGHT BEHIND US!
Twilight and Fluttershy: AHHH!
Just then, a great and powerful voice boomed down from the heavens, a voice belonging to a being wise and powerful, a being absolutely flawless.
Twilight: I think we know who that isn't.
It said; "Dude, Spike. Stop freaking breaking the fourth wall. Tell you what, just roll with it, and all give you a big old diamond when we're done, alright?"
Fluttershy: Uh, throw in a garnet, and we're good.
Spike thought this over for a second. He sighed. "Okay. I'll go along with it."
Spike took a step out the front door, and was greeted by a curious sight. Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash seemed to be in a race, zooming through the sky at breakneck pace.
Fluttershy: Oh no! I hope they don't break their necks!
At least, Rainbow Dash was. Fluttershy was far slower, taking her time.
Rainbow Dash looked back over her shoulder. "You can't catch me!" she laughed. "I'm the fastest
Author: "Gingerbread man in the Fairytale Kingdom!"
flier in-" Her sentence stopped short, as did she, as she flew smack into a pole.
Fluttershy: Um, where did the pole come from?
Her taunting had been her downfall. She hit the ground with a thump, while Fluttershy slowly passed her, not to mention also passing the finish line.
"Better luck next time." Fluttershy called out softly. But Rainbow Dash couldn't hear these words. She could only hear the laughs of the assembled ponies that had been watching the race. Cries of "Equestria's worst flier" and "can't win anything" were among the few hurtful things that echoed through the town square.
Twilight: Wow, what awful ponies. Next thing you know, the mayor will be giving a speech, messes up a word, and is called the worst speech giver in Equestria.
Spike watched as Rainbow Dash began to sob, tears of embarrassment and shame flowing from her eyes.
"Please, everyone, be nice!" Fluttershy tried to calm the rowdy gathering, but her tiny voice couldn't stop the cascading waves of insults.
Fluttershy: Ohh, how descriptive.
Author: Why thank you, Fluttershy/
Twilight: Nothing like needlessly descriptive sentences to prolong our agony.
Spike also watched as Rainbow Dash seemed to snap.
Author: Great, now we'll need to buy a new one.
Her tears halted suddenly, and were replaced with pure rage.
Twilight: Not actually pure. It was distilled with a little milk.
For a mere moment, the un-distilled anger shone, but then was blanketed under an expression of nothing, a mask covering her true feelings. Spike began to run over to Rainbow Dash. Maybe he could try to comfort her. But Rainbow Dash had already taken flight. She headed over to Fluttershy and whispered something in her ear. Fluttershy nodded, and Rainbow Dash was gone.
All: ...
Twilight: What happened? Did she disappear into nothing?
The target of their insults gone, the crowd dispersed, leaving just Spike and Fluttershy.
Twilight: Of course, they made sure to laugh at Spike about how he was the worst running-over-to-a-friend-to-provide-moral-support dragon in Equestria.
Spike ran
Fluttershy: Can't he just walk? Why's he always running?
over to the gentle pony as she landed, and asked, "Is Rainbow Dash okay? I mean, she seemed pretty angry. What'd she say to you?"
"Oh," Fluttershy frowned. "Rainbow Dash was really upset. I understand, since she lost to me, and I'm not very fast… You know how much Rainbow Dash wants to win anything she does. She just told me to come over to her house. That we were going to play a little game."
Twilight: That doesn't sound ominous. Right Fluttershy?
Fluttershy: Oh, not ominous at all. Right Author?
Author: Oh, I don't know. Let me just ask Jigsaw over here what he thinks...
"That sounds like fun!" Out of nowhere Applebloom appeared.
Twilight: Most graceful introduction of a random character I've ever seen.
"Great race Fluttershy! I thought Rainbow Dash was gonna win, but that just proves you shouldn't count your chickens till they hatch!"
Author: "I reckon dem varmints need to be lower than a snake in a wagon rut! Oh, did I mention I have a southern accent?"
Fluttershy smiled in that nervous way she always did.
Fluttershy: Actually, I pride myself in having a variety of nervous smiles. Variety is the spice of life.
"Thanks Applebloom. But really, Rainbow Dash should've won. I just got lucky…" Then Fluttershy's face lit up,
Author: Fluttershy! Your face is on FIRE!
Fluttershy: Oh no! What do I do!?
Twilight: He's joking.
Fluttershy: Oh. I, uh, knew that...
an idea seeming to pop into her mind. "I know! How about you two come with me to help cheer up Rainbow Dash? I'm sure what she really needs is some friends right now!"
Twilight: I think what she really needs is a better script.
Applebloom bounced with joy. "That sounds like a great idea!"
Spike gulped. "I dunno Fluttershy… Rainbow Dash seemed pretty angry. Maybe we should give her time to cool off…" Thoughts of the promised diamond entered Spike's mind. How could he resist fulfilling his end of the bargain when a wonderful prize was the reward, especially a prize from such a mighty, wonderful, fantastic…? "Okay, okay, I get the point. Let's go."
Author: Aww... I wanted that description to finish...
"Rainbow Dash?" Fluttershy called.
Author: They have phones?
The door into Rainbow Dash's house was open when they arrived. "Anyone home?" Spike and Applebloom followed Fluttershy through the dark rooms of Rainbow Dash's house. "C'mon, Rainbow, where are you?" The trio entered another room, this one empty except for a single bench, and two doors, both directly across from each other. And as they entered the room, the door behind them swung shut.
Fluttershy: Why does she even have this room?
"Um, Fluttershy?" Applebloom was anxious, now, glancing around nervously. "Is this how Rainbow Dash normally treats her house guests?
Author: "Actually, she normally puts them in an iron maiden. She must be in a good mood today."
"I am freaking out." Spike muttered. What was Rainbow Dash planning?
All Fluttershy said was, "Oh no… Not again."
Fluttershy: "This is the third time this week I forgot to feed the birds..."
The door opposite from where they entered slammed open, with Rainbow Dash standing in the doorway. "Well, Fluttershy. Good freaking job in the race.
Twilight: Good freaking job keeping the rating at teen, Author.
I'm so," her eye twitched. "Happy for you. You want a Celestia-damned muffin?"
Fluttershy: (gasps) How dare Rainbow use Celestia's name in vain?!
"Rainbow Dash, please…" Fluttershy whimpered. "You know I hate this… I thought it was a different game, I thought you got over this…"
"You're LUCKY you got out alive that time!" Rainbow Dash snarled. "This time, we're playing to the death…" Her gaze shifted to focus on Spike and Applebloom. A smile enveloped her face.
Author: And smothered her to death. The end.
Fluttershy: Oh, um... Is her smile go to send her face as a letter? (Twilight and Author stare at her.) See what I did there? It was, um, a play on words... Cause it was... a homophone? Eep...
"Well, well, well… I can have even more fun."
"NO!" Fluttershy positioned herself in front of Applebloom and Spike,
Author: Bow-chika-wow-wow!
Twilight: (squirts Author with spray bottle) No! Bad Author!
taking a protective stance. "I won't let them play your sick game!"
Author: "But they'll love Operation!"
"I'll… I'll go." Spike looked over at Applebloom, who began trotting up to Rainbow Dash.
Rainbow Dash grinned, narrowing her eyes as well. "Isn't that cute. Well Applebloom, I'm afraid this game is… Let's just say
Author: (puts on shades)
it's rated M for Mature.
Author: YEEEEEEAAAAAHH!
Twilight: It's funny because, in hindsight, this sentence isn't actually a joke.
But I think you'll be just fine."
"You don't have to do this!" cried Fluttershy. Then to Rainbow Dash, "At least let us come in with her!"
"No. No help." And with a final jeer,
Author: 'The Final Jeer', following the adventures of Dash Rowsdower.
Applebloom and Rainbow Dash disappeared as the door swung shut.
Twilight: They didn't disappear. They're just behind the door.
Author: You'd think all the characters could just overwhelm her...
Twilight: Finding plot holes in your own story I see?
Author: Just give me a second to figure out an excuse for why it's so...
Fluttershy slumped to the ground, starting to cry. She's not going to help me get out, thought Spike, and he tried the door they entered from. No matter how hard he tugged at the handle, it wouldn't budge. "Come on!" he yelled.
Author: It's no use! The door's fast asleep!
"It's no use…" whispered Fluttershy. "Even if you were to get out, Rainbow would find you, and still make you play
Twilight: Hamlet.
… That game."
Spike walked over to her taking a seat with her on the ground.
Fluttershy: Isn't there a bench?
Spike had to proceed carefully. Fluttershy already seemed like a broken pony, and he didn't want to go smashing the pieces. "What is this… game?"
"It's… horrible. One of the worst things I've ever experienced. I barely survived last time I played it with Rainbow Dash, but that was barely… I didn't want to say anything. Even afterwards, she was still my friend. Dashie
Twilight: I don't think Fluttershy would ever call her 'Dashie'.
assured me she'd gotten better. She'd moved on…" Horrible screams came from the next room. Spike couldn't help but shut his eyes, as though that would stop the noise.
Author: And if he clasps his hands over his ears, he loses his sense of smell.
Oh poor, Applebloom… Spike thought. She was so young… So full of life…
Twilight: "She owed me five bits..."
A final scream echoed, and then the door slowly opened.
"She went down quickly. It's not easy to crack ribs, but I think I heard at least 5 snap…" Her gaze turned to Spike, an intense gaze. "You next, kid?"
"No…" Fluttershy stood up. "I won't let you force him to play your sick game… If I win, will you promise not to play him?"
"Sure. I won't lose."
Fluttershy gave Spike a final, nervous smile, tears still flowing from her eyes. "Wish me luck…" And she was gone.
All: WHY DO PONIES KEEP DISAPPEARING?!
Fluttershy: They don't even leave the room! They're just 'gone'!
Spike was alone. So utterly alone.
Twilight: So incredibly utterly alone.
Fluttershy: So extremely, incredibly, utterly alone.
Twilight: So amazingly, extremely-
Author: Stop.
Sitting in the corner, he curled up, wanting the world around him to disappear.
Twilight: Apparently it is, starting with Fluttershy.
For everything to go back the way it was… Of all the ways he'd imagined himself going, death by Rainbow Dash was pretty low on the list.
Author: Right below 'death by bunny trampling'.
Fluttershy: Though above 'death by trombone'.
More screams and crunches came from the neighboring room. It seemed like an eternity passed as Spike sat there. Fluttershy was fighting, not just for herself, but for his life… Hey, she won once, maybe she could win again?
"My heart!" came the shrill cry, and all fell silent.
Fluttershy: Oh! I hope I didn't hurt Rainbow too badly!
The door slowly, so slowly, opened.
Twilight: Wait, how quickly did it open?
Spike looked up from his corner. "Fluttershy…?"
"Sorry, kid." Rainbow Dash strode slowly into the room. "She put up a good fight. But I've played this game many times; I'm practically a licensed killer." She laughed. "I have to win Spike. I NEED to win. If I don't…" A moment of silence. "You're next."
Spike followed Rainbow Dash slowly into the next room. He was trembling. How could he beat Rainbow Dash at her own game?
Author: The magical thing called cheating always works.
If only…"
"Wait a second." Spike stopped. The room he was in wasn't a place for death games, an arena of blood and guts. There was a large couch, positioned in front of a large, flat screen TV.
Author: Oh no! Rainbow's going to make him watch the fan animation of Cupcakes!
Twilight and Fluttershy: The monster!
Rainbow Dash shoved something into his hands. "Pick your character, kid, but I got dibs on Noob Saibot!"
Fluttershy: What version was Rainbow even playing?
Author: Huh? I don't know.
Fluttershy: Just wondering, because, actually, if it's one of the earlier games, such as the original trilogy, Noob Saibot is actually known as Sub Zero. According to the Mortal Kombat Lore, he's an older version of Sub Zero in those games, and only later does he-
Author: Stop.
"No!" Spike took another look at the couch, which he now realized held the very much alive and well Fluttershy and Applebloom. It was Fluttershy who shouted. "His teleporting specials are so unbalanced! Spike won't stand a chance!"
"Come on, all he really needs to do is block at the right times! It isn't that broken!"
Twilight: Wow, Rainbow. Great advice. 'Block at the right times'. I thought you were supposed to block at the WRONG times!
"But one mistake and it can be the end of the match right there!"
"Hold on!" Spike shouted. "Fluttershy! I thought you said we were going to play some sort of sick game? It's just Mortal Kombat!"
"Exactly! I hate this game! I'm a Street Fighter pony.
Fluttershy: That point is actually only partly true. I'm far more of a fan of BlazBlue, but I didn't know if a majority of the readers would know what that is.
Author: Hmm... (smiles mischievously) ICE CAR!
Fluttershy: AHH! (curls up in corner, shivering) So... annoying...
The controls in this game are far too rigid. And some of the characters are way too broken." She closed her eyes. "When I first played this, I swore I'd never let any friend of mine experience this piece of trash…" She looked up at Rainbow Dash. "I thought you'd moved onto a different fighter game, Dashie…" Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes.
Twilight: (rolls eyes) Oh yea, as if eye rolling hasn't been used enough in this story...
Spike hopped onto the couch smiling. "Speak for yourself, Fluttershy! I love this game! Oh, Rainbow Dash, I was pulling on the door in the other room, trying to open it, but I think it's stuck."
Rainbow Dash settled next to him on the couch, laughing. "You idiot, you Push on the door to open it; not pull!"
All: ... REALLY?
Twilight: Author, why are you saying really?
Author: Hey, I can acknowledge my own mistakes, right?
"Well, how was I supposed to know? Anyway, I'm being Johnny Cage! He's so cool!"
"Meh. He needs to be about…"
Author: DON'T YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT THAT REFERENCE!
Author: Script mode. (facepalm)
Rainbow Dash: So? What did you think?
Author: … You tricky bastard.
Twilight: "That good, huh?"
Rainbow Dash: What? You wanted gore. What game is bloodier than Mortal Combat?
Author: … You were supposed to cause blood and gore amongst the OTHER PONIES. Not in video games!
Rainbow Dash: Well, be more specific next time!
Author: For the love of…
Fluttershy: "Bunnies!" (cutest smile in the world)
Spike: Can I have my diamond now?
Author: Here. Take your damn diamond.
Fluttershy: I, for one, was very confused. Why did you set all this in Rainbow Dash's house?
Author: It seemed like a logical choice.
Fluttershy: The house floating in the sky that only pegasi can get to?
Fluttershy: ... Actually, how did Applebloom and Spike get up there.
Author: Catapult.
Author: … It was her summer condo on the ground, okay? Happy now?
Fluttershy: (tears start to form in her eyes)
Author: What…? Oh, please don't cry! If you start crying, then I'll (sniff) start crying! Um… Rainbow Dash. You seem like a fan of horror movies and stuff… Why didn't you go axe crazy like I wanted you to?
Rainbow Dash: Not my style, brony! That's not-
Author: Staying true to your character. I know. (sigh)
Twilight: If you actually knew, you wouldn't have written three more chapters of this garbage.
Spike: I was kind of confused by the story too. How does Rainbow Dash have electricity up in a cloud? Even with the natural electricity from lightning (not sure how that would even work), she'd end up fried or something.
Author: Um…
Fluttershy: And why would I ever race Rainbow Dash? Sorry, but that setup seems a bit week…
Author: Hell, not his again…
Applebloom: And why didn't I have any lines at the end? I just sat there!
Applebloom: Yeah! That does seem pretty unfair!
Author: What the...? Pinkie, get her out of here!
Author: Look, I…
Spike: And why did me and Fluttershy sit on the floor? There was a bench in the room.
Author: Hey, cloud flooring is comfy…
Twilight: And also something you can easily move through and escape from a 'locked' room.
Author: Didn't we already talk about this in 'Rainbow Factory'?
Fluttershy: I thought we were in her summer condo?
Author: Oof... I did say that, didn't I?
Fluttershy: You should really stop saying things... It never seems to work out for you.
Author: Tell me about it...
Rainbow Dash: Sorry author, but this just wasn't well thought out. I mean, the whole reason I go crazy is because I lose, right? But that's just stupid! I lose all the time, I'm not just going to freak out like that!
Twilight: I hate to break this to you Rainbow...
Author: …Heh. You ponies think you're so clever. Well the jokes on you, assholes! You think you're all high and mighty because you're poking holes in my plots…
Author: Yeah! Who goes around and thinking they're better just because they make fun of other people's stories?!
Fluttershy: Um... (points at the previous sixty chapters of MPPT3K)
Author: Oh... Right...
Well, it just so happens I purposely picked Rarity, Applejack, and Rainbow Dash for my first three chapters; it's so I could save the three craziest ponies for last! So enjoy this "love" and "friendship" while you can. Because soon, so soon, you'll see the true ugliness underneath those perky personalities! Ha ha ha!
Author: I need to work on my evil laugh.
Twilight: Try a vocal coach.
Rainbow Dash: That's nice.
Author: … End story.
Okay. This was a little better.
Fluttershy: Are you sure about that...?
There was some… videogame gore. Yeah. Look, I know some of you may be annoyed at how this is playing out.
Author: You see what I did there? Video games? Playing?
Twilight: Every time I think my respect for you has hit rock bottom, you throw me a shovel.
I understand. Trust me; you're in for a treat next time! Fluttershy is gonna go all Flutter rage on these bitches! With all that repressed anger, we're sure to see some blood fly!
Author: Well, that was fun.
Twilight: Compared to dipping my head in hot magma? Yes, I'd agree.
Author: Bah. This is awful! I've made much better stories since this!
Twilight: Wait, Really?
Fluttershy: I always thought you kept mentioning story ideas at the start of most riffs as a running joke.
Author: Nope! I actually write them! You may know me from some classics such as 'Fluttershy Takes Up Smoking', 'Rarity's Chainsaw Adventure', 'Lance Armstrong in Equestria', and 'Eternal'!
Twilight: ... Really?
Author: Okay, maybe not Eternal. But those other ones are real!
Fluttershy: I don't recall them ever being put on the site...
Author: Um... They weren't. Anytime I try to submit a story, either Poultron bans me for excessive stupidity, and WandererD would just tell me that my stories are "the funniest jokes he'd ever gotten, but next time try to write something for real"!
Fluttershy: Maybe it's better that I've never read these stories...
(Buzzer sounds)
All: We've got break sign!