Salutations, readers! I've got a nice something for you today.
A while back, I actually received a request from Lucefudu to riff one of his musical shorts. If you haven't seen Lucefudu's work, check her out; he's got some good meta pieces, and - as you probably know- I love meta.
My choice for which chapter to riff boiled down to this; there were a good dozen or so musical shorts. One of them had "Don't read this." next to it.
What can I say? I'm a sucker for punishment.
The unriffed version can be found here. Honestly, it's not THAT bad. Certainly better than most of the stuff I riff. Unfortunately, the story is one of those "a day in the life of" stories. While they can be good, the execution here is poor, with an aimless story that feels stuffed with half-baked ideas.
Lucefudu, I respect ya, but one of your better works this is not.
Enjoy!

---

Twilight: ... But where would they get all that jam?
Author: Look, I wanted you to pre-read this, not complain about my writing!
Twilight: That's what a pre-reader is supposed to do.
Author: And all these grammar corrections... It's ridiculous!
Twilight: It's not my fault you have trouble with your commas, punctuation, capitalization, spelling, sentence struct-
Author: Okay! Fine! I'll make some changes!
Rarity: Are you pre-reading?
Twilight: Yes.
Rarity: It's not going to work. He's too stubborn to actually make changes.
Author: Hey, I'm very receptive when it comes to criticism!
Twilight: Author, you may want to-
Author: SHUT UP! Whatever you're about to complain about is probably beyond the comprehension of your feeble brain!
Twilight: (Throws story over shoulder.) Forget it.
(Doors swing shut and lock.)
Pinkie Pie: (From TV) You know, author, if you want to become better at writing, try reading other stories!
Author: Hey, that could work! If it wasn't for the fact that all these stories are CRAP.
Rainbow Dash: (From TV) Come on, not all of them are bad. What about... Um...
Twilight: You're going to be thinking for a LONG time on that, Rainbow. Perhaps you could just tell us what we're in store for?
Rainbow Dash: (From TV) Sure! You're prank for today is "Slowing Down", a story about a day in the life of yours truly! This story is going to be AMAZING!
Rarity: Keep thinking that.
(Buzzers sound.)
All: We've got story sign!

---

Rainbow Dash woke up to the sound of her alarm clock.

Author: 7 AM, waking up in the morning.

She turned around trying to hit it with her hoof, but the damned thing seemed to have a life on it's own; escaping her angered hooves with mastery.

Twilight: The clock comes from a long line of Kung-Fu masters.

Accepting that there was a justifiable reason to wake up, she groaned on her pillow; the fluffy mass muffling it to an barely audible level.

Author: I have to read and I must scream.
Rarity: Author, are you going to make a habit out of obscure references this story?
Author: Hey, the references aren't obscure to the people who know them!
Twilight: ... Author, are you going to make a habit out of troll logic this story.
Author: Just... Just keep reading...

The 'justifiable reason' soon popped into her head, reminding her of the day and tasks ahead of her and sending a jolt of adrenaline into her body and finally waking her up for good.

Rarity: "For good." As in, she's NEVER GOING TO SLEEP EVER AGAIN.

'I'm gonna be late!'

Without second thoughts, she darted from her bed and was almost halfway into the bathroom when she

Author: Hit a dartboard. Bulls-eye!

remembered that she showered the night prior. Quickly raising her legs,

Twilight: All four at the same time.
Rarity: It was quite impressive. You should have seen it!

she smelled herself and thought that it was good enough.

Author: "That's the last time I use stallion's body wash..."

Dismissing her bath, she grabbed the Wonderbolts' uniform and tossed it on her saddlebags.

Author: Watch out! We got a plot point over here!
Twilight: Perhaps Rainbow could try putting them IN her saddlebags?

She exited her room and paused on the kitchen,

Twilight: Perhaps Rainbow could try pausing IN the kitchen?
Rarity: I haven't the foggiest what she's going to do on the roof of the kitchen.

trying to find the daisy sandwich that she prepared the previous night, but she had no luck in such task. She fought back the urge

Author: "Back! Back, urge! Don't make me get the shotgun!"

to prepare another and resented in eating an unripe apple that rested alone on the counter.

She grabbed the apple and also shoved it in her saddlebags; it could survive a quick glide to Cloudsdale's racing tracks.

Rarity: But Rainbow! Do you really want to take that risk?!

Rainbow Dash knew better than to try and fly while eating. Personal experience.

Twilight: I've also learned never to eat while walking. Personal experience.

* * *

Author: STAAAAAAAARSSSS!

Although Rainbow wanted to fly her fastest to the, she couldn't;

Rarity: ... Well? To the what? To the track?
Author: To the max?
Twilight: To another story where the writer hasn't forgotten important details?

the Wonderbolts' training activities demanded a great deal from the mare,

Author: WE'RE TALKING 50% OFF THIS SUNDAY ONLY! FREE HOTDOGS FOR THE KIDS!

meaning that she couldn't spend any bit of energy. Rainbow Dash sighed on her way: that slow speed bored her.

Rarity: Poor Rainbow, I know precisely what she means.
Twilight: You do?
Rarity: Ever read a story with awful pacing?
Twilight: Ah.

But nevertheless, she took that opportunity to feel the day around her;

Twilight: "Odd... It feels like... Jello.

the sky was a light blue as the sun steadily rose from the horizon; bathing the clouds in it's golden glimmer.

Author: The sun moves steadily? I thought it ticked like a clock? (Twilight shudders.)

The clouds felt extra fluffy around Rainbow; some almost tickled her, making the cyan pegasus let out some soft giggles.

Rarity: She then became thoroughly confused, since clouds don't have fingers.

Rainbow had grown so much in the past seasons; not only physically, but mentally: she knew how to

Author: Go to the bathroom in a toilet.

enjoy the small things properly... whenever her ego allowed her, that is.

Twilight: The ego's set a strict curfew.

On the distance, Rainbow could see the racing tracks. She flapped her wings and picked up more speed,

Rarity: From the supermarket.
Twilight: She forgot to get milk, however.

the anxiety was killing her again. With her new picked speed,

Author: Rainbow only picks her speed fresh. No frozen crap from last season's harvest.

it wasn't long until she reached the tracks; from there she could see some friendly faces, like Scootaloo, Rapidfire,

Author: Crossfire.

Soarin', Fleetfoot, Surprise

All: Ahh!

and Spitfire... and another not so friendly face: her Coach.

Rarity: Wait, is his name Coach? Or is he just her coach, and she capitalizes his title out of respect?

"Rainbow Dash, you're late! You have two minutes to get your flank in the uniform or I'll kick your sorry rump out faster than your Sonic Rainboom!"

Author: "You keep using capitols. I do not think capitols means what you think it means."

Dash rolled her eyes,

Author: And got a strike, winning the frame.

the Coach knew how to be a pain when he wanted to.

Rarity: What a diva! (The others stare at her.) What?

Even though Rainbow Dash was no fresh meat in the Wonderbolts' ranks, she knew that it was a once in a lifetime opportunity... and she had been late for several practices the last few days. Without a seconds' hesitation, Rainbow Dash galloped to the showers and placed her saddlebags in the locker. She practically shoved herself inside her uniform

Twilight: An impressive feat, to say the least.

and put on her goggles, ready to hit the tracks.

Rarity: Stop hitting the tracks, you're supposed to be flying.

"It's showtime!"

* * *

The speed, the thrill, the adrenaline; all combined to give her the greatest feeling one could have:

Rarity: Glamor?
Twilight: A chemical compound?
Author: Motion sickness?

being alive.

Rarity: Close enough.

Even though the beginning of the training was a tire for Dash;

Twilight: What's she going to do with a tire?

stretching was not as awesome as flying at the near speed of sound... but the mare knew the consequences of practicing before a good round of stretching.

Author: You'll explode, of course.

After the tiresome, yet enjoyable practice, Rainbow Dash found herself talking to her Wonderbolts pals. She enjoyed the small talk, as she still had time until her appointment with Fluttershy later that day.

Rarity: This isn't a Pattycakes prequel, is it?

"Yeah Scootaloo, I saw you up there. That was buckin' rad! You're becoming quite the flier... not as fast as me, though." Dash said holding up that friendly smug face.

Twilight: Isn't she modest...

"Maybe one day I'll be able to perform a Sonic Rainboom just like you, Dash!

Author: And maybe Lucefudu will one day recognize what constitutes a proper noun.

But it wouldn't really be a Rainboom... it would be more like a..."

Twilight: Rain-light-explosion?
Rarity: Rainpop?
Author: Molotov Raintail?

The young mare held her hoof up her chin and looked up, trying to come up with a good name; one that would do her trick justice without outshining Rainbow Dash's. "... a Sonic Monochroom!" A very poor choice of a name;

All: Agreed.

but Scootaloo stood proud nevertheless. Rainbow shot Spitfire a concerned look, but the golden mare simply shrugged. They both knew that Scootaloo could get a little over her head, and act with a bit of Pinkie-ish randomness.

Author: Oh, if she was actually being Pinkie-random, I'm pretty sure a LOT more would happen then her just coming up with a name.

Especially when she won praise from the mare she looked up to:

Rarity: Trixie.
Twilight: Oh, buck no!

Rainbow Dash.

"Sure, Scoots. If you practice it with all you've got, you can definitel-"

"Rainbow Dash, in my office. Now!"

Author: "I ant to give you a promotion!"
Twilight: Do you really think the story will be that nice?

The Coach interrupted Rainbow in mid sentence; winning himself a glare from Scootaloo.

Rarity: He must be so proud.

Rainbow looked at both mares with a quizzical face and shrugged. Apart from his little tantrum when noticing Dash's delay, he seemed to be in a good mood today. Whatever a 'good mood' meant for him, anyway.

Twilight: I guess "bad mood", from what's being implied.

Dash hung her head low

Author: Does it wobble to and fro?

as she trotted towards the Coach's office. She probably knew why he'd call her. Dash knocked on the door but didn't wait for a reply. She slowly opened it and made her way inside the Coach's office. Wonderbolts posters hung from the walls, one big stand with multiple trophies adorning it and, what made Dash's jaw drop, pictures from previous Wonderbolts teams.

Rarity: Hasn't she ever been called into the office before?

Most of the pictures were in full color, but Dash saw some that were plain

Author: Pokemon.

Black and White and others that were sepia-toned... some of the pictures were dated from more than 200 years ago!

"Glad to see that I'm not the only one that enjoys the pictures."

Author: Wink, wink. (Slapped by Rarity.) What? What'd I say?
Rarity: It wasn't what you said, it's what you implied!

She was startled by the Coach's voice. All her attention that once focused on the walls were now directed towards the Coach himself. "Please, Rainbow. Sit." She obeyed quietly and stat down.

Twilight: "Good girl." (Mimes throwing Rainbow a treat.)

Dash herself preferred to be standing, the only things that were comfortable enough for her were clouches;

All: (Exchange glances, then start laughing.)
Author: Oh, yeah, nothing I love more than a nice comfy "clouch"!

couches made with clouds. The Coach looked more tired than angry; with a heavy sigh he began to talk:

Rarity: After putting the sigh down, of course.

"Rainbow Dash, I'm sorry if I scared you by the way I talked. But your absences and delays on the trainings are affecting not only yours but the other Wonderbolts' performances."

Fury instantly coursed through Rainbow's mind. She had all the reason to be late and to miss some silly practices and he knew it. They did those every single day, after all! And who this stallion thought he was to just demean not just hers, but her friends' performances!? "Affecting their performances!? Seriously!? Have you been paying attention to the practices? Scootaloo was simply amazing today! All of them were!" Her voice was bordering a shout in volume,

Twilight: Careful. If you get too close to the border, the volume may take it as a hostile act.

but she tried to contain herself;

Rarity: Try Tupperware.

that pony in front of her was the authority when the subject was the Wonderbolts. "We've been improving day after day! I have seen first hoof what these ponies have to offer. I know them!"

"Don't you raise your voice to me! I'm not talking about them! I'm talking about you." He was going to mumble some more but Dash cut him short.

Author: She really "cut him down to size"! (Punched by Twilight.)

"Then why you did talk about them!? If you're making excused just to talk to me, forget it!" She rose from the chair and walked towards the door, she had heard enough.

"Rainbow Dash, I'm warning you."

Twilight: "There's a small step by the door, and I don't want you to trip."

He rose from his chair and pointed a hoof towards the mare. "If you open that door you're out."

Rarity: Well, duh! If you open a door, of course you're going to be out! That's what doors are made for!

The threat made Rainbow stop in mid step. It wasn't the first time she stood next to being expelled from the team. But Rainbow's confidence did not falter.

"Then go ahead. If you think that your, already dampened, popularity will outshine the media's attention as to you firing the newest captain of the Wonderbolts.

Author: I guess Spitfire got sick of the job.
Twilight: She's the captain and she's missing practices? How did she even get the position in the first place?

Let's face it, Coach. Your image isn't that good after last year's Wonderbolts derby. If you want to destroy the last bit of public image that you still have left, then be my guess." Rainbow said and left the room.

Rarity: I "guess" the writer needs to look over their stories before publishing them.

The Coach fell down on his chair.

Author: He was DEAD. Killed by a broken heart!
Twilight: How, um, poetic.

Flabbergasted, he had no words except for: "Damn..."

Rainbow trotted back to where Scootaloo and Spitfire were standing. Both mares seemed happy to talk with each other, which came out as a relief to Rainbow Dash. When Scootaloo joined the Wonderbolts, she wasn't as enthusiastic as Rainbow were; Scootaloo always was kind of shy,

All: (Start laughing.)
Twilight: (Between laughs.) I'm sorry, are we thinking of the same Scootaloo?

it was nice seeing her with new friends, for a change. Spitfire saw Dash closing in on them and interrupted her conversation with the young orange mare: "Did he give you a hard time?"

Author: "Hell yeah! He was particularly rough! (Groans emanate from Twilight and Rarity.)

"Pfff... nah. It's cool." Rainbow said, gesturing with her hoof that it really wasn't a big deal.

Rarity: That motion, in case you're wondering, is similar to eating a hay sandwich.

Rainbow really wanted to stay and chat with both mares, but she knew that the Coach wouldn't keep himself locked in his room for long. "Hey, girls. I'll be off now. I promised to spend some time with Fluttershy today, and I'm kinda late." She was lying, she had plenty of time to spare before meeting up with her best friend.

Twilight: Our hero, everypony! The captain that neglects her team and dismisses practice as "silly"!

"No problem, Rainbow Dash!" Scootaloo said giving the cyan mare a friendly wink and lifting her own hoof; which Dash gladly brohoofed in response.

Author: ... Would that really count as a...?
Rarity: It's a brohoof. Deal with it.

Scootaloo had matured so much in the past years; Dash knew that she was, at least partly, responsible for this... and it made her happy.

Twilight: The mighty brohoof; a true sign of adulthood.

"Take care, Dash!" Spitfire yelled at the cyan mare that now galloped to the showers in order to retrieve her saddlebags from the locker. Rainbow almost tore the uniform out of her in her hurry:

Rarity: She almost tore it OUT OF HER?
Author: What'd she do, SWALLOW her uniform?!

she needed to fly. If she learned something from herself, it's that flying always took the stress out of her system.

Author: "I can stop flying anytime I want! I don't have a problem!

* * *

Rainbow Dash spent the rest of her free time flying, no direction in particular, and napping in the highest clouds she could find. Although it always got kind of chilly and windy up there, the sun's direct rays offered enough heat for the mare to have the most peaceful and comfortable sleep.

Rarity: And also to develop intense sun burns.

Waking up with a heartily yawn, Dash stretched her hooves forward and arced her back backwards; hearing the pops her joints made when waking up was a pleasant sound for Rainbow Dash: it all meant that she was in good shape.

Twilight: Her favorite CD is "The Best of the Pops: Morning Edition".

She glided down to the floor and tried to make out the time by looking at the suns's position in the air.

Rarity: Then her eyes burned out from staring at the sun.

She gasped when she realized that she was probably late for her meeting with Fluttershy. Rainbow Dash took off once again, heading to the small cottage on the outskirts of Ponyville. She spotted Fluttershy, as the pastel-coated mare sat down in a chair with a worried expression on her face.

Author: Fluttershy was worrying about where to hide the body.

Dash flapped her wings vigorously, she couldn't keep her best friend waiting any longer.

"'Sup, 'Shy. Sorry I'm late." She said, heading over to her friend and gently hugging her.

Twilight: CRACK! Fluttershy's spine snapped!

"Oh, Rainbow Dash, I was so scared. I mean- I thought something had happened to you." Even though in the past few years Fluttershy took her friend's advices, and tried her best to become a little more assertive... but Fluttershy would always be, well, Fluttershy.

Rarity: Unless she isn't Fluttershy.
Twilight: ... What?

"Don't worry about it. I wouldn't miss a chance to talk to you for the world!

Twilight: "Well... Okay, maybe the world.

We see each other less and less these past days..." She trailed off; Rainbow learned how to appreciate time spent with Fluttershy. "What have you been up to?" She tried to change the subject.

Author: The subject resisted, since it was far too old for diapers.

"Oh, some baby bunnies were born a few weeks ago. Angel had been helping me to count and care for them all." She said almost proudly.

Author: She got some help from the Count, too.

The white bunny stood on the seat near Fluttershy and looked at both mares with that typical annoyed face... looks like Fluttershy wasn't the only one to remain the same. Rainbow Dash grew used to Fluttershy's subjects.

Author: Okay, when did Fluttershy turn into Dr. Adorable?

Even though most of them bored her; she knew she had to respect her friend's tastes. Fluttershy respected hers, after all.

Rarity: You know how it is; She likes oranges, and she likes pineapple.

"Speaking of animals, how's Tank?" Dash asked, almost too eager to change the subject. Fluttershy instantly changed her posture, trying to hide herself in her pink mane.

Twilight: (Mock surprise.) Where'd she go?

"He's fine... the worst is through. But Rainbow Dash, you must be more careful with him. He could have been seriously hurt." Dash bit her lower lip.

Rarity: "Ow."

"Yeah... I know... I should just go and see Pinkie; see if she can come up with a better kind of copter for him.

Author: Wait, PINKIE made that?!
Twilight: Of course. Didn't you know she got her masters in engineering?

And probably Twilight too... I want her to enchant his new copter with that 'Walk on Clouds' spell of hers... But I'm just glad that the big guy is recovering." Dash made herself a mental note: keep an watchful eye out whenever Nightwind would take Tank for a ride.

Author: ... Okay, I know I've been making sex jokes, but do I even need to TRY with this one?!

Fluttershy happily nodded as she poured herself and Rainbow some tea. The afternoon seemed to fly by when Dash found herself to be with good company.

Rarity: Indeed, Angel tells the best stories!

* * *

Rainbow Dash hugged Fluttershy dearly. Regretting that the day was coming to an end... but she was needed elsewhere.

Author: There are other stories she needs to star in.

As Dash took off, she watched n awe, as the setting sun bathed Equestia in a most beautiful orange tone,

Twilight: Don't forget to scrub behind your ears.

one that slowly turned itself into a deep crimson red. The afternoon breeze

Rarity: The sun's setting... And it's afternoon. What?

gently ruffled itself against her feathers and Rainbow Dash allowed herself to a pleasant sigh. She closed her eyes and flapped her wings sporadically, more gliding than really flying. She loved that feeling...

Twilight: Vertigo?

words couldn't even begin to describe it; the wind soared through her feathers, gently holding the mare's weight.

Rarity: That sounds an awful lot like description to me.

Rainbow Dash landed on the front of her house.

Author: Crashing through her front window in the process.
Twilight: Windows in a cloud house?
Author: Sure, why not?

She really missed the rainbow pools and waterfalls that once adorned it; but it was only a temporary precaution. Dash opened her door and sighed: although the day was very demanding of her,

Rarity: Yes, that nap must've taken a lot out of you.

she felt completely rested, albeit a bit hungry. He just barely made her

Author: Rainbow's a hermaphrodite?

way into her house when she was tackled to the cloudy ground. In any other circumstance, Dash would have screamed and bucked with all her might: but this tackle she knew well.

Author: "Hulk Hogan... We meet again."

"Mommy! You're home!" The little filly tightly hugged the cyan mare. Dash returned the hug as she eyed her daughter. Rainbow Dash was almost envious of the nice contrast the little Nightwind's white mane made with her dark blue coat.

Twilight: Of course. It's not like your rainbow mane is anything unique...

Little Nightwind's hug made a lot of pressure on some of Dash's sore spots, but the mare didn't care. She just closed her eyes and allowed the feeling of joy that radiated from the little filly envelop her completely.

Author: I think her daughter is made of polonium.

"Mommy, is something wrong?" Little Nightwind noticed the unusual absence of words from her mother's part. She felt a bit more worried when she saw a tear escape between Dash's closed eyelids.

Rarity: "Freedom at last!"

"No, my dear. Everything is just perfect." Dash said, kissing the little filly's forehead as she thought: 'Sometimes, you just have to take it slow.'

Author: Unlike the pace of this story, which gave me whiplash. Let's get out of here...

---

Twilight: Okay, where did that filly come from?
Rarity: More importantly, whose the father?
Author: Considering there was no mention of a father at any given point, we can only assume a horrible, horrible divorce occurred. But we'll save that for another story.
Pinkie Pie: (From TV) Oh! I know! I'll find a story for you to read about Rainbow Dash's divorce!
Author: I never said I actually wanted to riff a story like that.
Pinkie Pie: (From TV) Too bad! Dash! The button!
Rainbow Dash: (From TV, to herself.) Captain of the Wonderbolts... Heh-heh, that'd be so awesome...
Pinkie Pie: (From TV) DASH!
Rainbow Dash: (From TV) Oh, uh, sorry!
(Dash presses the button, and the TV turns off with a blip.)

Next Chapter: Pinkie Pie's Tasty Testing Estimated time remaining: 20 Hours, 9 Minutes