Hey bronies, RatherHomely here. Let me tell you a little story...
Even before I became a brony I was a big fan of MST3K. It was only natural, I suppose, that I wanted to see some riffing done on MLP fics. That was when I came across the Fan/fic/ Theater 3000, or, as some may know them, the group that did the riff on Past Sins. I did a bit of contributing, riffed a story or two, but I ended up deciding to make my own MST on Cupcakes, just as a one-off. Well, that one-off ended up becoming something a whole lot bigger.
On incredibly rare occasions (Once in a nightmare moon, you might say.) I'll pop over to do a bit of riffing, but that's VERY rare, since MPPT3K takes up most of my riffing time. It was probably for the best, as I am TERRIBLE at sharing riffs! I don't shut up, ever!
So where's this leading? A little while ago, I noticed that the group had set up a page on FimFiction. That, however, was pretty much the extent of what they could do. Yeah, there were links and such, but thanks to FiM's rulings, they couldn't actually post any riffs on the site. Now, what can a person with access to the sole MST on the site to do to help out the group that partly inspired him to take up MLP riffs? Hm...
I think you can see where this is going.
If you've never heard of Fan/fic/ Theatre 3000, basically they're a group that not only riffs fics, but opens up the riffing to everyone. So if you've ever thought, "Wow, that RatherHomely guy SUCKS at this! I can do better!", then here's your chance!
This is the page where you can find additional information about the group, as well as find links to the stories you can riff.
Anyway, enough of me rambling. Today's story is The Conversion Bureau, which, to be honest, I've never actually read. As such, I can't really give a fair opinion about it. It could be good, it could be bad, I don't know! What I do know is that ist's time for some riffs! Enjoy!

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THE CONVERSION BUREAU
A ‘My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic’ Fan Fiction by Blaze
From the Author (READ FIRST): I've seen a lot of backstories written about how Equestria is simply a post-apocalyptic Earth set in the distant future. I decided to expand on it in a much less...grimdark fashion.

Anon4: By causing mass genocide of the human race! Oh, sorry, spoilers...

eznpony: Judging by the author’s sense of morality, it’s a lot less grimdark this way than if the story were to have any pony deaths.

It may seem very human-centered in the beginning, but you'll see more ponies as the story progresses. Enjoy. 9_6
Prologue
The pony race and humans have lived together in harmony for centuries. A peaceful race, the ponies never really felt the need for war or violence to solve world problems.

Vimbert: They were quickly enslaved by other countries that actually had armies.

Things always seemed a lot friendlier with the ponies involved. Only recently have ponies been integrating into the modern human society. Ponies have lived in isolated, calm lands for many generations, but with over-population becoming a risk for the equine communities, moving from Canterlot to Newark was a common occurrence in these times.
Through warfare and species-exclusive diseases,

Ion-Sturm: Apparently, these are supremacist diseases.

humans have begun a steady decline in population and general health. The ways humans have destroyed the world around them, through pollution, greed and unhealthy living conditions,

Ion-Sturm: Poisoned oceans! Unscrupulous CEOs and corrupt politicians! That nasty stain on the bathroom floor!

have led the humans to realize the error of their ways, but it had been too late. Ponies, being a hardy, largely pacifistic folk, had slowly become the majority in world population (but only just so).

eznpony: We are the 50.1%. #OccupyEarth

It was becoming clear the time of the human was coming to a close. Soon, scientists of both human and pony worked together to create a formula to, in a sense, "ponify" a human,

eznpony: But only in a sense (sight, to be exact).

and hopefully keep society from collapsing. Their long term plan was to start a thriving, pony-centric world for generations to come.
In this interim period, humans were plagued with mass confusion and doubt as to what to do.

eznpony: Without their magic, help the earth pony way!

Most humans understood the decline in the population, and would much prefer to be a pony. With a down-to-earth, carefree lifestyle, the possibility of flying or using magic to their advantage, and current human health problems a thing of the past, what could possibly go wrong?

Vimbert: What’s that? Equine-specific diseases? What are those? We don’t even know!

However, some people have shown some second thoughts.
People like Ethan McCullough.

Anon4: Though others hated his guts.

Chapter 1 - In Which Something Happens

Ion-Sturm: And that something is me going to watch paint dry instead of reading this.

eznpony: Can I come too? I’m betting on red to dry first this time.

Ethan rose from his bed on that warm Sunday morning

Ion-Sturm: Not just any Sunday. THAT Sunday.

in April to the sun beating down through his window. He knew today was the day. He was finally going to do it. Get it done and over with.

Ion-Sturm: Finally, he was going to ask that hot pony receptionist if she was bi-species.

eznpony: I hope that’s not really a thing.

He was going to be ponified, and he was going to move to the pony world.

Ion-Sturm: ~She’s a pony girl, in this pony woooorld, coloured like plastic, so fantastic~

Most of his other friends have

Anon4: I just... this should be “had”, children. Learn your tenses.

already gone through the ponification process, and now it was his turn. For a young adult still not quite done with his teenage years, this 17-year old couldn't help but succumb to peer pressure.

Anon4: ONE OF US. ONE OF US. JOIN US! JOIN US!

Ethan laughed quietly and got up to pack.
The newspaper talked about it last month. He still had the clipping of the article on the wall of his bedroom, "PONIFICATION CAMP OPENS; HUNDREDS

Ion-Sturm: MEANWHILE, MILLIONS CONTINUE TO PLAY WoW.

Anon4: Meanwhile, billions change the channel on the TV!

FLOCK TO JOIN PONY SOCIETY". Ethan had skimmed through the article several times a day, looking over the regulations and the daily regiment of the 7-day camp; and as he packed the six sets of clothes, toiletries,

Ion-Sturm: Lord knows what wiping your ass with hay would do to your complexion.

and other essentials, he was confident he'd know what he was doing the moment he walked into the door of that camp.
Ethan hopped into his car and drove his way through the streets of his hometown.

Ion-Sturm: Every village needs its idiot, after all.

There were many memories attached to these streets,

Ion-Sturm: Like that mugging last summer, or when his girlfriend dumped him in front of all his friends at the junior prom.

Vimbert: And those were just the GOOD memories.

and hopefully they will stay with him when he comes back, a totally different species entirely. The once-crowded suburban complex he called home was now barren,

Anon4: “Where have all the ponies gone? Long tiiiimmeee tro-oo-tttinngg”

with only a few of his neighbors still going about their business, and some ponies are seen bustling through the streets (and skies above). Ethan knew that this kind of living was soon going to come to an end, and the new society he will soon be integrated into will be much better. Or, at least, that's what he was reassuring himself with.
After about twenty minutes behind the wheel, following the MapQuest directions he'd printed out the day before,

Anon4: Welcome to the future! Same as the past! Take a lycra jumpsuit and prepare to make do with 640kb of main RAM!

Ethan arrived at what looked like the cleanest building in the neighborhood. The camp looked more like a clinic on the outside, with what looked like a large greenhouse complex in the back, and a sprawling field of fresh grass even further back. The people-to-pony ratio in the general area of the building was about even, with nervous humans walking in, and ecstatic ponies coming out.

Vimbert: The fact that we’re a different species now has made us completely forget about the hellhole we live in! Hooray!

Ethan parked his car, got his things, and headed inside.
The waiting room gave off a very noticeable vibe that would normally come from a doctor's office. It was awkwardly quiet in the mid-sized room, with only a few people sitting in comfortable chairs reading old magazines,

eznpony: The rest were sitting in uncomfortable chairs reading new magazines, the poor sods.

Anon4: The horror, the horror! Also, the celebrity makeovers!

and a unicorn pony at the reception desk typing on a computer with her magic, and sorting papers with her hooves. Ethan quietly walked up to the desk and wrote his name on the sign-in sheet, placing the application he had filled out the night before in the basket with a few others, and sat down with the other people. The uneasiness in the room was palpable.
Suddenly, after what felt like hours, the door on the opposite end of the room opened, startling everyone in the room, even the secretary pony. A lime-green mare appeared from the other room and looked at the people in the chairs, including Ethan. After a minute, she spoke.

eznpony: Timed with military precision!

"Okay! All of you come with me!" She said, in that kind of peppy, cheery tone that would annoy the average schmo off the streets.

eznpony: But would be music to the refined ear of a cultured voice connoisseur.

The aforementioned people rose quickly and started for the door, anything to break the monotony of sitting in that room. Something told Ethan that it brought back bad doctor memories for most of them.
"Now, I'm going to take you five to your living quarters," the pony said as they walked down the long hallway to the dormitories.
Even though ponies had been living in his neighborhood for a few years now, Ethan had never really gotten the chance to be this close to a pony before.

eznpony: It turns out bi-species isn’t actually a thing.

They had always been either at home or work, and his friends and family didn't really have any pony acquaintances he knew of (at least, until they became ponies, that is). It was an odd experience being this close

Vimbert: He just wants to be loved!

to a fellow sentient being,

eznpony: Tell me about it.

that looked nothing like him. It felt like he was following a talking dog.

Nuke.equestria: Hey, some of my best friends are talking dogs.

Finally, the pony and her followers arrived at a small hallway. There must have been twenty rooms there, each individually numbered, like a hotel's rooms. The pony directed each of the people to their respective dorms, and Ethan was the last. He got room 526, or so it said on the plate on the front of the door.

eznpony: “You got room 526,” said the plate. “It’s a little further on.”

It was then he noticed the doors had no knobs, and just pushed open, like a public restroom. Ethan got self-conscious about his privacy, until he noticed the wooden door block placed tenderly

eznpony: By a very sensual member of the cleaning staff.

at the edge of his room.
The dorm was simple, and warm. The first thing he noticed was the heater was on full blast, so he turned it down

eznpony: Turn it up or turn it off, homeslice.

to a reasonable temperature, and put his stuff down on the bed. The bed was short and stocky,

eznpony: Shh! It might have “short bed syndrome”.

but still managed to be a full-sized bed

eznpony: The little bed that could.

with a fluffy, sleepable mattress and neatly made sheets. Before he had a chance to unpack his things, a knock unexpectedly came at his door.

Varanus-Freefallus: “Oh god, I swear this never happens...” the knock apologized to the mortified door. “W-was it good for you too?”

"Ethan? Is this your room? The reception lady told me to come to 526, but I'm not sure if the signs got mixed up or anything,

eznpony: Or if they’re playing another prank on me...

so I'm just making sure..."
The familiar voice babbled on as Ethan opened the door to his old middle school friend, Barry Gelsi. Barry was lanky with a messy brown jewfro

Ion-Sturm: Jewfro: The result of an afro and a Jewish religion member combining, resulting in someone too cheap to keep their hair in check.

Anon4: Is... is that really a word? I’m subtly horrified.

on his head, and was wearing a grey, battered looking T-shirt with equally as battered cargo pants. The two friends man-hugged at first glance of each other.

eznpony: They were completely confident in their sexuality.

Vimbert: Their complete lack of any, since no one would touch them.

"Hey, buddy!" Ethan greeted Barry with his first genuine smile of the day.

Anon13: He always was way too pleased with his Pauly Shore impression.

"Hi, there! I guess I was right about the room," Barry replied and let himself into Ethan's dorm, sitting enthusiastically

eznpony: Observe, gentlemen! This is how a winner sits!

on the bed. After a short silence, Barry continued, "So...I guess you're here for the pony thing, eh?"
"No, I'm here to exact revenge on one of the employees here. He killed my father, and he must die,"

Ion-Sturm: Princess Bride deserves better than this.

Ethan replied with a dead-serious look on his face. Soon, both of them collapsed with laughter.

eznpony: I hated my father anyway! He was a human!

"Sure as hell, I'm here for the pony thing, buddy! How long have you been here?"
"I just moved in last night. We're supposed to go for a seminar after dinner tonight, to 'inspire us to make the right choices', and all that junk," Barry said, using finger quotes where appropriate, "Half the reason I'm going is because my friend is giving the speech. She's a pony, too."
"You have pony friends already? Geez, I wish I did. Things are so weird around here," Ethan replied.

Anon13: You’re preparing to change species to a talking pony, and THIS you think is weird?

"Eh, you get used to it. I did, and I've only been here for 15 hours!"

Anon4: 15 hours. 15 mares. Ka-ching.

Ethan spent the next couple of hours looking over the papers given to him in the dorm room with Barry, and meanwhile catching up with his long lost friend.

eznpony: “The door plate and me go waaaaay back!”

Barry had moved out of the suburbs the summer before their first year of high school, and Ethan hasn't been able to keep in touch with him since. He was glad he had a friend at the camp to go though the ponification with, and he was sure Barry felt the same way.
"Well, I think the seminar is coming up soon. Did you have anything to eat before you came over?" Barry asked Ethan as he unpacked his things.
"Not really, but I'll probably grab something from the vending machine outside or something. Let's just get this over with," Ethan said, attempting to hide his anxiety. He was unsuccessful.

Varanus-Freefallus: Failed a Bluff roll...

Barry seemed to pay no attention to Ethan's jitteryness,

Varanus-Freefallus: And yet Barry got a 1 on his Sense Trepidation check. Alright then.

"Sounds like a plan. Let's roll!" And with that, they set out on the short walk to the seminar hall.
Chapter 2: Let the Game Begin

eznpony: Conversion Bureau: Saving electronic paper so that you don’t have to!

The room the seminar took place in reminded him of a town meeting. The room was empty, save for about thirty chairs, half of which filled, and a chair up front for the presenter. Lots of small talk can be heard, and not a pony in sight, as expected. Ethan and Barry walked in and sat down quietly close to the front of the crowd, both joking about how they got front row seats.
"So, what is this thing about, again?" Ethan asked curiously. He was still a little jittery about being new.
"It's just to greet the newbies, like us. Relax, this won't take long," Barry reassured Ethan with a pat on the back, and the presenter trotted out from a door that Ethan hadn't seen before. The crowd fell silent immediately.
The unicorn pony was very calm and studious looking, but still looked like she'd be nice if you talked to her. She had a noticeably purple coat, with a dark purple straight mane with unique pink streaks. The symbol on her flank was a magenta six-pointed star surrounded by a few other smaller stars. She put the pile of papers she had been holding up with her magic down on the chair up front and started once the crowd quieted down.
"Afternoon, everyone. I'm Twilight Sparkle, and I'll be talking to you all for the next 20 minutes," the unicorn said uniformly. Ethan could hear a few people faintly giggle at Twilight's name, but she simply ignored them.
"Now, I'm almost positive all of you are here because you want to become a pony.

eznpony: “What is wrong with you people? Why would you all want to become one pony?”

Vimbert: Great, now I’m having flashbacks to that Human Caterpillar crossover.

RingmasterJ5: One of those actually exists? Eww.

GelidEnmity: You mean ‘Human Centipede’?

This is a fact. You don't come here because you don't want to be a pony, unless someone forced you at gunpoint,

Pemberton: So, unless I’ve met Blaze?

eznpony: “GO TO THE CONVERSION BUREAU BECAUSE YOU DON’T WANT TO BE A PONY OR ELSE!”

but that's a different story." Twilight continued, casual, but serious, "I may not fully understand your reasoning behind your choice to become a pony,

Anon13: Well, there is that whole “survival” thing.

considering I was born one myself, but I can understand what we have been facing in the past few years. Humans such as yourselves have brought your world to shambles, all because of the selfish greed of big business, and the horrible health habits of the majority of the population."

Anon13: Someone biffed a Diplomacy check.

Vimbert: “We, on the other hand, are clearly the master race. You will be sent to... work camps.”

Twilight pointed at a map of the world, with a small island just outside the east coast of the United States circled in red marker, "Ponykind faces overpopulation, in ways that the tiny isle of Equestria simply can't keep together for long.

eznpony: “So actually, that one pony idea isn’t a bad one.”

That's why we moved into your towns and cities." A small pause, while someone coughed near the back, "I'm sure you all know about this already, but what you haven't heard is why we're doing this. Why you are here today, sitting in this cramped room with sweaty, tired people just waiting for me to stop talking."
"Our plan is to ponify you, the sooner the better. Expect this to happen when you least expect it.

Anon13: NOBODY EXPECTS THE PONY INQUISITION!

(This message brought to you by the Society for Obligatory Python References.)

You'll get used to our culture, our food, and our lack of thumbs. Trust me, it's easier than it looks.

Anon13: Hitchhiking is a royal bitch, though.

Because humans can't handle the magic

Vimbert: You want the magic? You can’t handle the magic!

radiating from Equestrian borders, becoming a pony is crucial to expanding the peaceful, friendly aura that surrounds Equestria every day of every month of every year. Thank you."

A small applause followed, and most people got up and started to leave for their dorms. Barry immediately got up and walked up to Twilight, who hadn't moved since she stopped talking.
"Twilight! How's the new job treating you?" Barry asked hardily.
"Great, Barry! Good to see you finally caved in and signed up for the cause. And who is this?" Twilight gestured toward Ethan, who had just walked up to join Barry.
Ethan jumped a little at the attention, "Uh, I'm Ethan..." he mumbled nervously. He wasn't really that good at talking to ponies

eznpony: Or girls.

that much, and that coupled with his normal social awkwardness is a horrible combination.

Vimbert: Much like the genes of his parents, which became more and more apparent the older Ethan became.

"Ethan here is an old friend of mine from middle school! He's dorming next to me for the week!" Barry said enthusiastically, putting his arm around Ethan’s shoulder.

Pemberton: I can’t stress how enthusiastic Barry is!

"Er, yeah. Ha ha..." Ethan added, just as awkward as earlier.
"You remind me of another friend of mine, Ethan. It's nice to meet you." Twilight replied, smiling genuinely at him. Ethan smiled back, only glad that he didn't come off as a total creep.

Vimbert: Ethan was a partial creep before it was cool.

"Well, we'll be heading back to the dorms, now." Barry started.
"Actually, I wanted to talk to Twilight for a minute, if you don't mind." Ethan said, finally growing a pair and speaking up.

Nuke.equestria: Suddenly he sounded like James Earl Jones.

"Oh, sure." Barry said, a little surprised, "Don't let him get on your flank, Twi.

eznpony: “Keep the pepper spray at ready just in case!”

See you guys later!" And with that, he rushed back to his dorm, leaving Ethan and Twilight the only people in the room.
"What did you want to talk about, Ethan?" Twilight asked.
"Well, I hope I'm not wasting your time or anything. I don't want to seem like just some bum off the streets."
"No, no! Not at all. A friend of Barry's is a friend of mine.

eznpony: Twi and Barry go waaaaaaay back.

Nuke.equestria: Turns out, bi-species is a thing.

Now, what's troubling you?" Twilight got up from her chair and started cleaning up a bit.
"Well..." Ethan started, realizing he had not rehearsed this beforehand, "I'm a little apprehensive about the ponification. I want to go through with it, but I'm a little...for lack of better word, suspicious, of the anonymity of the process itself.

eznpony: I prefer to undergo processes that are unquestionably nameless.

I hope you understand my feelings."

Nuke.equestria: That’s silly. Humans don’t have feelings.

Twilight, a little taken aback by how surprisingly wordy he is,

Nuke.equestria: Whoa, slow down, Ethan! Your three sentences are confusing Twilight.

despite how shy he was at first impression, stopped what she was doing and looked at Ethan, "There's no need to be suspicious. It'll be like getting a shot, or taking medicine. Plus, you'll be unconscious during the actual transformation, so you won't feel any pain."

Varanus-Freefallus: How reassuring is that? “You don’t need to worry. Now eat this pill. No questions, eat it for science.”

Nuke.equestria: Golly Twilight, will giving up my humanity be painful?

But after all of that, Ethan was still iffy. "I don't know...I still don't feel right about it."
Twilight looked at Ethan in the eyes for the first time and smiled reassuringly, "You'll be fine. Now go see Barry, I think he's been waiting for you."

soFreeKey: “...And tomorrow you’ll forget we ever had this conversation.”

Ethan looked back out the doorway to see Barry waving his hands wildly in the air looking at Ethan in impatience.
"Thanks, Twilight. See you tomorrow."
Chapter 3: What is To Come
"Doodoodoodoo, doo doot, doo doot, doo-doodoodoodoo, doo doot, doo doot, doo-doodoodoodoo, doo doot, doo doot!

Vimbert: Being woken up by beatboxing sounds pretty awesome, actually.

GOOD MORNING CAMPERS!"

Nuke.equestria: Today we’re going to the gas chamber... I mean showers.

The incessant singing over the loudspeakers woke Ethan up with a start, and he began groggily putting his second set of clothes on.

eznpony: Over his first, cause that’s jus’ how E-dog rolls.

Once the short song ended, the obnoxious pony began reading the morning announcements.
"Um, um...okay. Alright. Okay." Ethan could hear the shuffling of papers. "The cafeteria menu for the day of Monday, April 16 is chicken...'lo meen'? What's that? And for you ponyfolk, hay fries and the flower of the day sandwich. Also, can...James Thompson mosey on over to the ponification room? You're up, Jimmy!

eznpony: What happened to “when you least expect it”? I thought they just zapped guys with ponification in the hallways and stuff.

Vimbert: NO ONE EVER EXPECTS THE... oh wait. Yes you do.

This has been Pinkie Pie with your daily announcements! Have a fun-erific day!" And with that, the loudspeaker crackled off.
The second the speaker turned off, an audible "Woo-hoo!" was heard from a few rooms down, then heavy, sprinting footsteps.

Anon13: WOO species reassignment! WOO existential crisis! WOO disturbing questions about the nature of man! Let's DO THIS!

The footsteps were soon followed by more noises of people in the dorm hallway thundering to their doors. Ethan joined them, to see a person they don't know for the last time as a human.
The scrawny, auburn-haired 20-something made his way out of his room, wearing nothing but a ratty tanktop and boxer shorts, and walked triumphantly down the hall, with applauding campers at each side of him. Each step his last on human feet,

Nuke.equestria: Wait, I’m confused. If each step is his last, how does he keep walking? Shouldn’t he be crawling, or hobbling around on his knees?

RingmasterJ5: Maybe he came from circus people, and is walking on his hands.

the smug look on Jimmy's face showed that he was most certainly ready to be ponified. The clapping and cheering didn't end until he was out of sight. When the noise finally died down to a hush, people began sitting down in their doorways. Ethan turned to his dorm neighbor Barry.
"How long do these take?" Ethan asked curiously.
Another person near them answered his question, "Give or take, around ten minutes. It's really short, I'm surprised. Technology is amazing..."
Leaving that guy alone to his thoughts, Ethan decided to join the sitting group as they started making small talk and discussing their own pony aspirations.
"I want to be a pegasus! Flying like that must be so cool." One boy said to the girl next to her.

eznpony: S/he was also hoping that the ponification could also complete his/her sex-change.

A few people near him nodded in agreement.
"Too extreme for me, I think I'll just stick with living the simple life of an Earth pony." The girl replied.

Nuke.equestria: I don’t want to fly or have magic. I just want to give up my thumbs.

Others nodded.
Ethan had never really put much thought into what kind of pony he wanted to be.

Anonymous: Ethan had never put much thought into anything he did, really.

Anon13: As his high school and police records can attest.

After seeing so many ponies around the building, he was surprised he hadn't decided what he'd look like. He assumed that your physical appearance all depends on genetics,

eznpony: We’re getting awfully personal here. What my physical appearance is based on is my own damn business!

but is the pony type chosen? Ethan was afraid to ask more questions, he didn't want to feel like a newbie with the other campers.
A four-legged's footsteps were heard by every camper simultaneously. They all looked down the hall intently, hoping to finally see the ponified Jimmy. The trotting sounded slow, and careful. A loud thud was heard

eznpony: “Ponification didn’t hold. We had to put this one down.”

once, then a pause...then the trotting resumed.
Jimmy turned the corner, fully ponied.

Anonymous: Jimmy: Fully Ponied, starring Lindsey Lohan.

A peach-colored earth pony, the most prominent thing he kept was his auburn hair and stubble around his muzzle. The other obvious trait he seemed to have kept was the smug expression on his face, albeit with a little nervousness over his new legs. Jimmy was trotting very slowly, almost to a crawl, attempting to get used to his new center of balance. The thud was heard again,

eznpony: “WHY WON’T YOU DIE!”

except this time Ethan knew it was Jimmy falling on the floor, then getting himself up immediately and continuing to walk. The campers were going crazy, patting his back and head

Vimbert: Brushie brushie.

as he walked by (which seemed to create more troubles for his balance), and some just poked him.

Nuke.equestria: He was used to being poked, being carny folk and all.

Ethan watched carefully as the new pony walked to his dorm's doorway, give a loud cheer of triumph, and trot inside. Everyone resumed their daily business, with some people crowding around Jimmy to ask questions.

exnpony: “It’s my daily business to ask Jimmy questions.”

Ethan's mind had been wondering for the last few minutes of Jimmy's first trot. He had been thinking about what will happen when he becomes a pony. Will he enjoy being a herbivore? What if he hates flying? Who will he meet when he goes to Equestria, if he does? Will he miss his feet and opposable thumbs?

Anonymous: Will he regret leaving everyone he ever knew and everything he ever had?

eznpony: Nah, those filthy humans never appreciated him anyway.

Ethan felt like he had taken up a much larger commitment than he had expected. But, he knew it must be done eventually, and got it off his mind come lunchtime.

Nuke.equestria: He never thought changing species would be such a big deal. Oh well, time for lunch.

"Hey, dude, you gonna eat your salad?" A passerby pony asked him at the lunchroom.
Ethan snapped back into reality, "Huh? Oh, no, you can have it."
"Thanks, brah. Not a big fan of dandelions, myself." The pony chuckled, and started to shovel the salad onto his tray with his snout.
"Hey," Ethan asked, with blinding curiosity, "How long have you been a pony? How does it feel?"
"I got ponified yesterday morning. It's a little awkward for the first hour or so, but it gets way easy afterwards. Moving things is still a problem, but I'm sure I'll get used to it. Take it easy, brah." And with that, the pony trotted away, with tray in tow on his back.
Barry retired from his bountiful lunch and turned towards Ethan.

Nuke.equestria: His horn of plenty took up two tables!

"You gotta calm down, man. You're getting all tense over nothing. I know! I'll take you over to the greenhouses! That oughta calm you down."
"There are greenhouses?" Ethan asked,

Nuke.equestria: I thought those were extinct.

only to realize immediately after saying that, that he had seen the greenhouses when he first walked in the other day.
"Of course, stupid! Didn't you see the big glass things outside?" Barry said jokingly, "Let's go!"
Barry energetically grabbed Ethan by the wrist and dragged him out of the lunchroom, just barely leaving Ethan time to throw the rest of his lunch away.
The greenhouse was massive. Despite being an isolated glass case filled with trees,

eznpony: Thank you. I always wondered what a greenhouse was.

the ceiling was no where

eznpony: But some when!

in sight, or at least to Ethan's sight.

Nuke.equestria: Someone else could see it, though.

The trees towered over the rest of the nearby structures, and many pegasi were seen flying overhead, with a look of sheer elation plastered on each of their faces.

eznpony: “My face is stuck this way!”

Vimbert: “Someone help!”

Anyone could tell from where they were standing that these ponies were having the time of their lives.
"Isn't this calming?" Barry asked, hoping to get a positive response from the dazed Ethan, who had been staring up at the pegasi the whole time.

Vimbert: DAT CUTIE MARK.

"Yeah, yeah. Really peaceful." Ethan said, trying his best to pay attention to Barry over the sound of the forest's wildlife. It looked like an amalgamation of every woods that Ethan walked in. There was a muddy creak, a plethora of bugs and small rodents, low and high-hanging branches, and a very humid, post-rainstorm atmosphere throughout.

Anon13: And over there, finally, confirmation of what exactly bears do in the woods.

Finally done with looking up at the winged ponies, Ethan lowered his head with a noticeable crack.

Anonymous: Ethan was then immediately rushed to the hospital.

eznpony: Sadly, he made a full recovery.

"Hey, Barry..." He started, only to see that Barry was distracted talking to a unicorn friend of his near the river. Ethan decided to go on his own and sat down lazily on a nearby rock.
A bush rustled nearby. Not right next to Ethan, but within earshot where he was curious. He heard it again, followed with some light mumbling. From the rock, he rose to investigate. The bushes nearby were bare, but he could still hear the mumbling.

Nuke.equestria: Those damn bushes wouldn’t shut up!

It was clearly a someone, as it sounded like the mumbling was in English.

Anonymous: Because ponies speak French.

eznpony: Only if it’s their special talent!

The source of the mumbling came from a pegasus pony in a thicket just behind the rock. The pegasus had a long, wavy pink mane and a sunny yellow coat. Her blue-green eyes looked distressed and nervous.
"Oh, no. Mr. Squirrel, you shouldn’t sneak into those thorn bushes like that. It's not safe." The pony said quietly, slowly removing a baby squirrel from a thorn bush.
"Excuse me?" Ethan greeted the pony, not as quietly, but just as shy.
The pony gasped, clearly frightened by Ethan's sudden appearance. After hyperventilating for a minute,

eznpony: Ethan has that effect on wom- ponies.

she looked slowly over to where Ethan's voice came from.
"Um...hello..." The pony mumbled.
"Is something wrong?" Ethan asked the pony, worried he'll hurt her feelings.
"Oh, no. Just...um...nothing..." The pony replied, trailing off near the end of the sentence.
"Do you need help at all?" Ethan said, noticing the animals she had previously had in tow running off into the bushes.
"No, no. It's fine...but, you can help...I mean, if you want..."
"Uh, sure."
Ethan and his new friend spent the next hour or so gathering up the animals. It was alot easier than Ethan had expected, and all of the animals seemed very harmless and friendly; very odd behavior for animals that Ethan had been raised to know carried rabies and weren't afraid to bite humans in self-defense. After the last chipmunk was found in a patch of tall grass, Ethan and the pony walked to the rock where they met and Ethan sat down.
"You know, in all of this excitement, I didn't catch your name." Ethan said quizzically.

eznpony: Smooooooooth.

"Oh, I'm Fluttershy...I'm sorry, did I get your name?"
"No, you didn't, don't worry. I'm Ethan. Nice meeting you, Fluttershy."
"Nice meeting you, too. I guess..." Fluttershy replied. Ethan couldn't shake off the fact that Fluttershy seemed to always be so quiet. Even with how friendly they've gotten,

eznpony: She still wouldn’t let him touch her.

where she could finally speak full sentences to him without squeaking in fright, she seemed to be perpetually reclusive.
Suddenly, a blue pegasus pony flew overhead and stopped about ten feet above their heads.
"C'mon, Fluttershy!" she shouted impatiently, "Quit talkin' to your new friend

eznpony: And also that weird guy.

and help me greet the new pegasi! We still need to teach 'em to fly, you know!"
"Oh! Um...coming, Rainbow Dash!" Fluttershy called out to the pegasus, then turned to Ethan and smiled at him, as if to say 'bye' without actually saying it, and gently flew away.
Barry arrived seconds later, but unbeknownst to Ethan, had been there the whole time.

Vimbert: I ENJOY SPYING ON YOUR LACK OF A SOCIAL LIFE.

Nuke.equestria: NOBODY EXPECTS BARRY!!!

"Dude, she totally has the hots for you." he said, making Ethan jump off his rock and onto the dirt road.

eznpony: FluttershyxEthan OTP. Don’t let species get in the way of your love.

"Shut up!" Ethan joked as they left the greenhouse.
Chapter 4: According to Plan
From the moment Ethan gained consciousness, there was noise. The sights

eznpony: The noisy sights.

Nuke.equestria: I prefer the nosy sites myself.

were calming, from the sun beating down on his bed from the nearby window, to the warm spring wind blowing lazily into his open window. The sounds, however, were anything but peaceful. Raucous cheering and shouting were heard immediately outside his dorm room, the kind he had heard the day before when Jimmy was being ponified. After finally realizing what he was about to miss, Ethan shot out of his bed, bolted to the door, and yanked it open.

Anonymous: I can't wait to see something that happened in almost the same way everyday since I got here happen again for the umpteenth time!

eznpony: Stability and routine is important for a young Ethan’s psychological wellbeing.

Whomever was being ponified had already walked down the hallway, so people began quieting down. Ethan sat on the hallway floor, curious as to who was being ponified, and if he knew them.

Nuke.equestria: Keep dreaming Ethan. You'll have acquaintances some day.

But suddenly, Ethan noticed something.

Nuke.equestria:For the first time in his life, he paid attention to his surroundings.

The door adjacent to his was wide open, with it's bed and doorway unoccupied, Ethan could have sworn the loud footsteps he heard were much louder than when it was Jimmy's turn, and he hadn't gotten a tap on the shoulder, or a silly remark yet today from a certain friend of his...
"Oh, no." Ethan said out loud to himself.

eznpony: I loved his manly human body! In a brotherly fashion, of course.

Nuke.equestria: We have a perfectly platonic, non-homoerotic relationship.

No one heard him, but it was the only way he could vent his anger towards himself. He just missed seeing Barry as a human for the last time. While this may not be a big deal, considering at least he'd still see him, this was still a life changing event for Barry, and Ethan felt horrible for missing the beginning of it. All he could do was sit and wait for his friend to return.
The inevitable cheering commenced again, after what seemed like centuries for Ethan, as pony Barry trotted down the hallway. His coat was an odd mixture of orange and yellow, making it seem like he might have had a scent like an air freshener.

Vimbert: Ethan wanted to just press his head against Barry and just inhale, take in his scent, in a completely non-gay way.

His brown hair had been almost directly transferred to his mane, even keeping his perpetual bedhead intact.

eznpony: Pony scientists ain’t banging rocks together.

The next thing Ethan noticed was that Barry was a unicorn, and thus would receive training from Twilight sometime today. Ethan pictured Barry attempting magic, and failing horribly, which made him laugh a bit.
"What's so funny? Never seen an attractive pony before?"

eznpony: “Not without a can of bear mace aimed at me.”

Barry had just reached his dorm room door, and was sitting next to Ethan.

Anonymous: "I'm going to sit here silently until you notice me. You never notice me. What does Fluttershy have that I don't?"

Anon13: Two X chromosomes.

eznpony: Believable characterization (in the show, that is).

Nuke.equestria: A personality.

Ethan hadn't noticed Barry's presence,

Pemberton: Which explains why he knew that Barry was a unicorn.

RingmasterJ5: Wait...what?

and jumped a bit at the sight of him, "No, and I still haven't."

eznpony: “Fluttershy’s a dog, maaan!”

They both laughed, then Ethan asked for what seemed like the umpteenth time this week, "How does it feel?"
"I knew you were going to ask me this." Barry said. Ethan still had trouble putting Barry's voice into the pony's mouth,

eznpony: He didn’t have any of those Little Mermaid clam things handy.

but it seemed to fit the look nicely, "It's...new, I'll give ya that. Walking is easier than it looks, but still takes some getting used to. I feel like I'm a midget with four legs, with how short I am now."
"A midget with four legs, and a horn." Ethan corrected Barry.

Anonymous: And a tail. And a mane. And a snout. And giant eyes. And from the way they're describing it, still with two hands.

eznpony: Probably a new “designer model” pony body for discriminating customers.

Anon13: Damn it, everyone forgets the pancreas.

"Have you used it yet?"
Barry looked straight up at his forehead, where the orange appendage stared right back at him.

RingmasterJ5: “Oh shit, that’s not a horn!”

"Not yet. I'd like to, though."
"Try opening that guy's door." Ethan suggested, pointing to a door across the room.
Barry concentrated. Much more than Ethan had ever seen him concentrate on anything, really.

Anon13: Which explains so much about his high school grades.

His horn began to glow a little, lighting up the area around him. The doorknob of the door Ethan suggested began turning slowly,

Nuke.equestria: Barry turned the doorknob on the knobless door.

soFreeKey: They must hand out these practice knobs to new unicorns.

as if it was struggling to open. Suddenly, the door thrust itself open, and slammed against the adjacent wall as it opened. Barry panted heavily, and numerous people clapped and cheered and patted him on the back in congratulations.

eznpony: The force is strong with this one.

Anon13: You just strained yourself doing something that took no effort as a human! Species change FTW!

Anonymous: Congratulations! You've shown that you have very little control over your new abilities!

*******
"Are you sure you want to commit to this?"
"Yes, I'm absolutely sure. I'm confident in his abilities."
Twilight Sparkle looked confidently into the princess's eyes. In all of her years following Celestia, she had never been this willing in her life.

Anon13: No, this is not a clopfic!

She stood her ground before her teacher, who was sitting sternly in her massive throne. While Twilight was almost like a daughter to her, this was a serious discussion, and they treated it as such. Celestia fidgeted in her chair as she thought the plan over.
"This is not normal for a ponification camp, you know. Normally they have to spend another week there to learn how to be a pony,

Anonymous: Lesson one: Being. If you can read this, you are probably doing it right. We will quiz you after recess.

even after the transformation. Why do you want to pull this unicorn out so soon?"
"I think he's much more in touch with his magic than most unicorns I've seen go through this camp. He can already move objects, and control the strength of the magic used, to an extent. I think I should take him...for lack of better saying, under my wing...because we could use him to our advantage."

eznpony: “Think of all the doors we could open!”

Princess Celestia thought for a minute, then surrendered, "Alright. You can bring him. But...what about the other one? Surely you don't want him to come here as a human, do you?"
"Oh, no. I have plans for him. You'll see." Twilight responded.

Nuke.equestria: Twirling her mustache, and laughing evilly.

"I hope you know, I don't like it when you hide things from me." Celestia replied sternly.
"Don't worry, Princess. My intentions are anything but bad. It's just I...haven't really planned what to do with him yet." Twilight said, embarrassed at her lack of organization.

Nuke.equestria: Her plans are... not to have any plans. Brilliant!

"Well, be sure to get him here safely.

Anonymous: You said "Don't worry." You now have my full and total trust in this thing you've told me nothing about.

We don't want any humans running around Equestria willy-nilly like this. Make sure he's a pony when the time comes for him to be."
"Of course."
*******
Ethan couldn't help but be a little sad. He knew this was a good thing for Barry, and to an extent, Earth, but he couldn't shake the fact he'll never see human Barry again.

Anonymous: My friend just went through a permanent change in look and species, and now I might never see him in the same way again. Sadface.

eznpony: This is obviously more traumatic for Ethan, and we should give him our full support.

Anon13: I'd call it more traumatic for the reader...

There were certain things in his mind that made human Barry unique that they can't replicate in a pony. Barry's choice in clothing, for instance. Last year, Barry was infamous for going to the prom in nothing but gym shorts and a Led Zeppelin T-shirt. His girlfriend was mortified,

Pemberton. The most unrealistic character thus far.

Vimbert: Is that what he’s calling his left hand now?

eznpony: *hoof

to say the least. However, Ethan had to embrace this new look for Barry,

eznpony: (enticing as the prom one had been)

and he was glad that at least he kept his personality.

At dinner that afternoon, Barry sat next to Ethan at their usual table closest to the garbage can.

eznpony: Just in case they wanted seconds.

Barry visibly had some difficulty sitting in his new quadrupedal form, but an Earth pony next to him helped him to sit up straight. It looked awkward a first, but Barry seemed to get more comfortable as time went on.
"First pony meal. You ready?" Ethan teased Barry, who was staring nervously at the hay fries before him.

Nuke.equestria: These ponies really need to expand their culinary horizons. Are hay fries and flower sandwiches the best they can do? Why is everyone in a rush to ponify?

Barry gulped loudly, and silently lifted the bundle of hay with his magic. Moving it towards his mouth, Barry took a small nibble, just enough to get the taste out of it. Suddenly, Barry's eyes widened.
"...Why..." Barry said, shaking in his seat.
"Barry? You alright?"
"Why...do I like this so much?!"

Vimbert: They lace the hay with drugs for your first week or so free of charge. After you’re nice and addicted, BAM! Monthly payments.

And Barry kept eating the hay, visibly enjoying it.
Ethan gagged a bit, and resumed eating his beef jerky.

nuke.equestria: Invisibly enjoying it.

Anonymous: Made from the good citizens of Wiscownsin who had generously donated their bodies to feed the humans.

The loudspeaker turned on with a start and caught the attention of the entire lunchroom. Humans and ponies stared up at the speaker near the doorway to wait for it's message.
"Err, howdy there, ev'ryone." The speaker began in a noticeable southern drawl, "Now how does Pinkie do this again? Oh, right. Can Ethan Mc...McCullugg, please come to the pony-transformification room? I think it's yer turn, or somethin'. Thanks."

Nuke.equestria: Sorry, that was supposed to be Ethan McCulluggg. With 3 g's.

Barry elbowed Ethan as hard as he could with his front hoof.

Anon13: Elbowed with his hoof? Did he then headbutt him with his flank? Damn, I need to learn anatomy better...

Ethan was frozen for at least thirty seconds before slowly getting up. Every single thing with eyes was using them to stare right at Ethan at that moment.

Anon13: Including some of the "Chinese food".

It was as if Ethan were naked right now. It was his worst nightmare.

Anonymous: Soon, he'll be naked then, and it'll be a dream come true.

There was no cheering.

eznpony: Only rocks.

Usually these announcements are made in the mornings, and for one to happen this late is very odd. Ethan walked quickly out of the room, so as to avoid anymore unnecessary attention. The lunchroom's conversations started up again as soon as he left.
Everyone (and everypony) was staring at Ethan as he walked down the empty hallways and into the atrium, where the small, unnoticeable door to the ponification room was visible next to the receptionist's desk. The door was labeled "AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL ONLY". Ethan could only assume he was 'authorized' enough to go in, so he did.

Vimbert: Only to be torn to shreds by the guards on the other side.

On the immediate other side of the door was a bright pink earth pony with an equally pink curly mane. She seemed to have a perpetual smile on her face.

soFreeKey: Ethan had been watching her sleep.

"SHHH! This way!" She whispered. Ethan could recognize the voice from somewhere, but he couldn't put his finger on it. As they walked down the dark, claustrophobic hallway, Ethan got more and more curious as to what was going to happen. He had already come to terms with the fact that these will be his last moments as a human, but he still needed some reassurance that he'll be safe, and it won't be a risky procedure.
"Um..." he began, almost sounding like Fluttershy.
"I said "SHH"! We have to be quiiieeet!" The pink pony replied immediately, startling Ethan.
"Can you at least tell me where we're going?" Ethan persisted.
"To the pony room, silly! Where else would we be going?"

eznpony: Yeah Ethan, that was pretty retarded, even for you.

Ethan soon realized she was right. The pony pushed open the knobless door to reveal what looked eerily like a doctor's office. There was a small, cushioned bench with sterile paper on it, and a desk opposite the bench with numerous doctor's accoutrements laid out in a very neat fashion. A pony-sized, clean doctor's robe was draped on the hanger on the door. The silence in the room was ominous.
"Wait here." The pony said, sounding like she was in some sort of infiltration mission. Ethan obeyed, and sat quietly on the bench. Thankfully, it wasn't long before the doctor came from the door next to the desk. The doctor was a unicorn mare with flowing violet-blue hair and a light-gray coat. She looked very well-groomed and clean.
"Right. Let's get this over with. I have a salon appointment at 7 that I simply cannot miss." Before Ethan could speak, the pony continued, "I'm Rarity, and I will be your ponificator today. Are you feeling any stress at this moment?"

Nuke.equestria: Instead of a one off character, Rarity is now a doctor. Not enough room in the budget?

Anonymous: Redheart and Colgate were busy doing other things in other fics, and could not make the filming at the time.

Anon13: Lucky bastards.

Ethan, taking the cue, started talking, "Err, no. I'm a little nervous, but..."
"Oh, darling, that's normal. There's nothing to worry about. This will be quick and painless, and it'll be over before you can say 'fabulous'!"

Pemberton: “Fabulous,” a word that Ethan had been described by for many a year.

Rarity laughed at her own joke,

eznpony: I think the author needs to get a better understanding of this word “joke”.

Vimbert: “What is this thing you call ‘humor’?”

Nuke.equestria: You see, when a man and a woman really love each other...

then began to use her magic to summon some doctors tools to her side. She began looking into Ethan's eyes, ears, mouth, and (oddly enough) his nose with a light, and started making awkward small talk.
"So, you are being ponificated awfully late. Any idea why, Ethan?"
"Uh, well, no. I was just called down here during dinner. I thought these things usually happen in the mornings."
"They do. I'm not even sure myself why you are here. But, alas, here you are."

Anon13: This whole species-changing thing is SUCH a bother.

Rarity put the tools down and retrieved a paper cup filled with a purple, viscous liquid, and a syringe. Ethan cringed at the sight of the needle, as he was deathly afraid of them.
Rarity got uncomfortably close to Ethan. "All right, now lay down on the bench, and drink this." She said, handing him the cup gently.

Anonymous: She then walked about on two legs, holding the needle in her hands and measuring how much goop she'd need to ponify him.

"What is it?"
"It's a sedative to help you sleep. Think of it as anesthesia in a cup. It will make this whole process so much easier for both of us, trust me."
Ethan nervously took a gulp of the liquid. It tasted like grape jelly, and was about as goopy, but he soon emptied the cup. He could already feel the sedative kicking in as he set the cup down on the table nearby and laid his head on the bench. Rarity walked up to him and lightly prodded the needle into his upper arm. Ethan didn't feel a thing, and a few seconds later, he was unconscious.

Vimbert: YOU GONNA GET RAPED.

Chapter 5: In Which Something Else Happens

eznpony: We’re not even bothering with this stuff anymore.

Grass. He was laying in grass.

Anonymous: Six feet inside, to be exact.

He could feel the cold, damp dirt on his back,

eznpony: And also the grass, in case you forgot that was there too.

and his face was being tickled by the soft breeze. Ethan opened his eyes to nothing, realizing it was the dead of night, and he was still human. What had happened, he had no idea what. All he knew was that he wasn't a pony, and he was nowhere near the camp.

Nuke.equestria: Haha! My escape plan had worked!

Anon13: "I am not a pony, I am a FREE MAN!"

He rose to investigate.
There was a highway nearby, with cars zipping past. The once-soft breeze now felt alot stronger when Ethan stood on his two feet, and he almost fell a few times while trying to walk. The sedative Rarity had given him

eznpony: That, and the other things she’d done.

was probably still affecting his movement, he suspected, and walked deeper into the grass.
As he plunged deeper into the grass, Ethan could hear voices echoing. He wasn't totally sure whose voices they were, but they sounded familiar. They were calling his name, but not in the cliche mysterious, spooky, ghost-sounding way; in an urgent, rushed, and even scared way.

Nuke.equestria: So, in the other cliched manner?

Ethan felt like he needed to come after these voices, as they grew louder as he ran deeper into the now waist-high grass.
"ETHAN! WAKE UP!"
Ethan felt a hard slap to his face as he woke up from the dream. His eyes shot open and he looked around. He was in a huge library, with books lining every wall, and the ceilings reaching higher than any library he had ever seen. A familiar purple pony was looking at him, annoyed, but worried.
"Oh, thank Celestia, you're awake!" Twilight said, relieved that Ethan was alive.

eznpony: “We have a pretty low success rate. It’s surprising how many people still go for it.”

The unicorn trotted to her desk across the expansive main room.
"Wha...? Where am I, Twilight?" Ethan mumbled. His voice sounded slurred, as if he had been on novocaine from the dentist's office.

eznpony: Not a doctor’s office this time? The plot thickens.

"You're in my library. I've brought you to Equestria."

Anonymous: Twilight Sparkle: In addition to being a grad student under Princess Celestia, she's working as librarian, human center receptionist, and teacher for newly unicornified humans to pay off student loans.

eznpony: Unicorns truly are the master race.

After hearing that, Ethan drew his own conclusions as to what had happened to him.

eznpony: And made a mental note to lock himself in the bathroom to contemplate it further.

He struggled to raise his head, and look at the body that he now had.
He had a light navy blue coat, with a blonde tail to match his mane. Again, his mane was almost identical to his hair as a human, and had kept it's light blonde hue.

eznpony: No, really?

Anonymous: Blonde on navy? Rarity would not approve.

eznpony: “So garish!”

The next thing he noticed was his wings, which opened at Ethan's will

eznpony: Even though they were lying in a pool of blood on the other side of the room.

as he stared at them, mesmerized. Twilight walked back to the bed Ethan was laying on, and started poking him in different random places.

eznpony: “A pony is touching me! A girl is touching me! My life is complete!”

"Well, the ponification seemed to have worked like a charm." Twilight said astutely.
"Why am I here?

eznpony: The transformation has brought out a more philosophical side of our dear Ethan.

Shouldn't I be back at the camp, or something?"
"I'll explain in a minute, I need to wait for the others to get here." She responded. Twilight sounded a little rushed at this point, as if she really didn't want to talk right now.
Ethan could faintly hear snoring in another room, but he paid no attention to it, assuming it was another roomie of Twilight's. He got up slowly, landing on his stomach in the process. He put one hoof on the ground, then another. Soon he was standing, albeit very rigidly, afraid to move. The standing was very easy to get used to,

Nuke.equestria: The falling on the other hand...

and Ethan compared it to learning to skate or ride a bike in his head.

Anon13: Which hopefully will go much better than the time he tried to skateboard in his rib cage.

Walking was a different story. Having four legs to worry about now was the biggest difficulty, and he sometimes forgot to move one of the legs the first few steps he took. However, learning to walk was a breeze after a few minutes of pacing around the library.
Twilight looked back at Ethan and noticed he was finally walking. She nodded with approval, "Don't try flying yet. I don't want you knocking over any books. Spike just cleaned up." She warned him, before returning to the big book laid out on her desk.
Ethan, kind of distraught that he can't fly yet,

eznpony: Hard as it was to tell with all these tense changes.

resumed walking around the library. Suddenly, Ethan and Twilight heard a light tapping on the door, much too quiet to be a knock. If it had not been deathly silent in the room,

Nuke.equestria: Twilight's library doubles as a funeral home.

they would not have heard it. Twilight trotted over to the door and opened it softly.

Nuke.equestria: It didn't like it rough, unlike those other doors.

Fluttershy came in nervously, then noticed that Twilight and Ethan were the only ones around, and was a little relieved.
"Oh, um...hello, Twilight. Who is this pony?"
"That's Ethan, remember?" Twilight said, hinting at something Ethan couldn't make heads or tails about.
"Oh, I see it now! I'm sorry, the last time I saw him, he was human...Ethan, how is it being a pony?"

Anonymous: How is it having to relearn all the basic motor functions you developed at an age you were too young to remember?

"It's...odd. I'm getting used to it, though."
"Good! That's wonderful." Fluttershy seemed much more comfortable knowing the pony was Ethan.

eznpony: Her good buddy from less than a day ago.

"Do you know when the others are coming over?"
"I think they're all coming in a group. Rainbow Dash is probably going to come here first, because she's so fast." Fluttershy said matter-of-factly.
After a short pause, Fluttershy looked off into the distance, then focused on Ethan's wings, "Oh! You're a pegasus?"

Vimbert: Derpy, did you disguise yourself as Fluttershy again?

"Yeah, I guess I am." Ethan said, almost boastfully.

eznpony: “That means we can date!” “Really?” “No.”

"That's great! We should fly sometime...oh, I mean...if you're free...um..." Then Fluttershy let out a little squeek.

Pemberton: This author once again displays his mastery in the field of subtle romance.

eznpony: “Oh darn, now I have to catch that naughty squeek again.”

Nuke.equestria: Remember kids, all you need for true love is one awkward conversation.

The door knocked again,

Vimbert: I will free myself from this prison. No longer will I be stuck between two worlds, never truly outside of or within the library. I, the door, shall be... free.

breaking the increasingly awkward silence between the two ponies. The door opened, then four other ponies trotted in one by one. Ethan recognized three of them from the camp, but the fourth was a complete mystery,

eznpony: Wrapped in an enigma.

Nuke.equestria: And served with a light garnish.

and the look on his face made it obvious. The fourth pony, an orange earth pony with a straight blonde mane and a cowboy hat, walked up to Ethan, firmly gripped his hoof and shook it.
"No need to be confused, mister. I'm

eznpony: - The Horse With No Name -

Applejack. You must be Ethan. Pleasure to make your acquaintance." The pony said, and Ethan finally realized who she was.
"Oh! You're the one who called me down during dinner on the speaker!" Ethan said.
"Yessir. Pinkie Pie normally does that stuff, but she was helping Rarity prep the pony-transformin' doohicky, so I had to do it. Glad to finally meet you."

eznpony: “Now I can snap that photo for the sex offender registry!”

The rainbow-maned pegasus flew up to Ethan, seeming to prefer flying than walking, and stared at Ethan's wings.
"Awesome! You're a pegasus, too! I should totally teach you how to fly, I could show you all of my awesome flying tricks!"
Twilight got up from her desk and turned on the lights in the library, "Now, now, Rainbow Dash.

eznpony: “Don’t get too close, he might still have some human cells in him. Their evil is contagious, you know?”

Let's not rush our new friend. Everyone take a seat while I wake Spike up."
As the six ponies quietly found the closest chairs and took a seat near Twilight's desk, they could hear a rather annoyed Twilight waking up what Ethan assumed was Spike from upstairs.
"Spike...Spike...SPIKE!" Twilight said loudly, and a thud was heard.
"Hunh? I'm up, I'm up...jeez..." A second voice replied groggily.

Anon13: Ethan then realized how rich he could get re-inventing the alarm clock.

"Ethan's here, we're going to do the thing."
"The thing?" Spike asked, dumbfounded.

Anon13: With the stuff? For the guy?

Twilight let out a heavy sigh, "The mission briefing."
"Oh! That thing! Why didn't you just say so? I'll be right down."
Twilight came down the ladder, and a purple and green baby dragon followed,

eznpony: And then Spike came down and kicked his lookalike out of the house.

holding a pillow in one arm, and his nightcap in another.

Anon13: Which in his case meant tequila.

Spike took a seat next to Ethan, and Twilight returned to her desk, shuffling a few papers before beginning.
"Alright, I'm sure you all know why we're here."
A silence followed this statement, only to be broken by Pinkie Pie.
"Oh! Oh! I love guessing games! Uhhh...are we here to have a tea party? No! Are we here to...eat cupcakes and tell spooky stories? Waitwaitwait! Are we here to-"
Applejack muffled Pinkie's speech by putting her hoof in Pinkie's mouth until she shut up.

eznpony: “Codsarnit Pinkie, stop biting!”

"Go on, Twilight." Applejack said, before removing the hoof.
"Thank you. Well, that was the answer I was expecting, anyway.

eznpony: “We ARE going to have a tea party and make Ethan into cupcakes!”

Vimbert: Best. Ending. EVER.

I haven't informed anyone about what we're doing today except Spike."

Anonymous: Twilight Sparkle’s master plan involves no one actually knowing what the plan is. Not even the ones involved. Especially not the ones involved.

Twilight then retrieved a map of the world from her desk, and presented it to the ponies, much like she did at the seminar when Ethan first met her, "Now, we all know that the humans are trying to get their people turned into ponies, so they can move in with us here in Equestria." She pointed to the small island adjacent to the east coast of the United States, "Does anyone know why?"

Anonymous: Equestria is now Long Island.

"Sure I do!" Rainbow Dash blurted out, "It's because they didn't know how to control their greedy, fat butts from getting too greedy and fat for their own good, and now they're gonna dump all of the people over here!"

Vimbert: So, first Equestria was over-crowded, and now it needs more ponies? WAIT, clearly Ethan has entered an alternate universe!

Rainbow then looked at Ethan, who was a little shocked, "Er, present company excluded, of course."
"It's fine, Rainbow Dash. I know us humans have trouble controlling their stubborn pride.

Pemberton: The same pride that might cause me to label my entire species as evil and hold myself in higher regard.

All they want is more of everything. More money, more food, more industry and pollution.

Vimbert: Elect me. I’ll give you more of what you want: Pollution!

There's no reason behind it but blind greed and hatred."

Vimbert: I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN ONE OF YOU ON THE INSIDE. Let us kill the inferior humans!

"Exactly, Ethan. Very well put."

ezpony: Your bigotry warms my kind and perfect heart.

Twilight added, "And that's why they want this happening. Now, there's nothing wrong with turning into a pony. You lose that 'human nature' that keeps you greedy and selfish,

Vimbert: My little racist, my little racist, AHHHH~

I used to wonder what prejudice could be, (My little racist)

Until filthy humans shared it with me...

and you become more carefree and friendly. Ethan and Barry would understand this more than anypony here, since they were humans only yesterday."

Anonymous: And of course, being turned into ponies instantly removes one’s “human nature.”

"So, what is our problem with them? Can't we just simply let them come here? I see nothing wrong with that." Rarity said, genuinely curious.
"Well, no one is volunteering to be ponified.

Vimbert: Except for the people that are.

People are too afraid to abandon their fleshy ape-bodies to live the pony life.

Anon13: OK, Twilight? YOU SUCK AT DIPLOMACY. LET SOMEONE ELSE DO THIS.

They feel like the process in itself is way too risky to give a shot, even though tests have been made over the past ten years to confirm to the public that the process is completely harmless."

exnpony: “It’s not because thumbs rock and there’s anyone who WANTS to be a human, not at all.”

Nuke.equestria: You poor deluded fool. We'd have nothing if it weren't for ponies. They wisely sealed themselves way so that we would learn to cope with disease, famine, and pollution. If they hadn't kept their magic from us, we wouldn't have the overpopulated, trash ridden utopia we do today.

"So, how is this bad for us?" Rainbow queried, "Let them stay in that manure-hole they live in, and we'll just hang out with all of the cool new ponies

eznpony: Rarity is trying to be hip with today’s fresh youth lingo trends.

RingmasterJ5: Uhh, don’t you mean Rainbow?

Anon9: Derp. This is what happens when you read this story too long, kids.

comin' in!"
"That's the problem. They don't want to stay on their, quote, 'manure hole'.

GelidEnmity: But I’ve heard Manure Hole has a vacancy!

They want to live in Equestria, without going through the effort of becoming a pony, and abandoning their pride."
Pinkie Pie piped up, "But what's so bad about that? Human bodies are icky and big and ugly

Anon13: Especially Ethan's!

and...and mean! Humans are mean!"
"Well, they are." Ethan said, "But you have to put things in the humans' perspective. Lush, green fields perfect for farming? Nice neighbors? Weather always under control? Think of the money they could rake in from selling houses in Equestria!"

Anonymous: Think of the money the ponies could rake in from selling houses to humans in Equestria!

The other ponies looked at Ethan with a look of disdain.

eznpony: KILL.

Vimbert: We wish.

"Oh! I think I got a little too into that, I'm sorry. That's not what I think, it's what they think!"
"He is right.

Anonymous: He's right, because he—a teenage boy who doesn't know what he wants to do in the next fifteen minutes, let alone his life—is the best candidate to speak for the other eight billion humans.

And that's exactly what the humans plan on doing. They want to move into Equestria, human form and all,

eznpony: So I guess someone doesn’t like them HiE fics...

and ruin the sanctity and peace-of-mind that this land has come to embrace over the last century!"

soFreeKey: Don’t get me started on the other centuries...

Twilight

eznpony: *Blaze

was clearly getting riled up about this conversation.
"Woah, woah there, sugarcube." Applejack said, attempting to calm Twilight down, "Isn't there some kinda magic force field thingy protecting Equestria from the humans?"

eznpony: “Please continue to shower us with your exposition!”

Twilight took a few breaths, regaining her composure, "Yes, Applejack. But the technology the humans have made over the last few decades may be able to counteract the magic surrounding the land. Think about it, if they can turn humans into ponies, they can get humans here no problem."

Nuke.equestria: Because all of humanity wants to move to a rinky-dink island with no indoor plumbing.

Anonymous: And because the ponies want to actively help the humans do so.

Ethan could hear the collective gulp the other ponies made, including him.

Anonymous: Collective gulp! So dramatic!

Finally, he mustered up the strength to break the silence in the room.
"So, why am I here?"
"I'm glad you asked, Ethan. You're here because you know the ways of the humans. You know how they think. You

eznpony: And countless other humans-turned-ponies,

can get into their heads in ways that us ponies just wouldn't be able to."
"What about Barry? Should he be here?"
"He already heard all of this. In fact, he helped me bring you here. At the moment, he's in Whitetail Wood practicing his magic abilities. I brought him not only because he's very competent in magic for a pony, let alone a former human, but because I felt like you needed a friend to accompany you. Another human."

eznpony: “You guys can kick puppies together, or whatever it is humans do for fun.”

Ethan couldn't help but feel emotionally charged

GelidEnmity: His emotional battery was running low.

from that reasoning. But he was still confused as to what his job was.

GelidEnmity: He got a JOB!?

"Do you have a plan in mind? How will we go about stopping the humans if we don't know when they will come after us?"

Anon13: And please don't be concerned that I'm abandoning the species I was born into after just a good talking to. I'll be loyal to you, no problem!

"Well, I haven't come up with an exact plan yet, but I think what we should worry about now is you getting your pony legs.

eznpony: Out of that chest in the corner.

Spend tomorrow learning the ropes of being a pony, and a pegasus at that.

eznpony: And then the next day you can learn to be a pony instead of screwing around with ropes.

Rainbow Dash, I'll leave Ethan with you to teach him how to fly..."
"Can I help, too?"
Everypony in the room turned to look at Fluttershy in disbelief.

Anonymous: Ethan emits a reality distortion field that draws anyone he has interest in to him. In a week, he will have half of Ponyville in his harem, and they will declare him savior of Equestria for no good reason.

"Um, I mean, if it's o-okay with Ethan, that is...um..."
"It's fine, Fluttershy. You can help Rainbow teach me how to fly." Ethan said reassuringly.
"Oh, okay." Fluttershy said, with more confidence.

After a short silence, Ethan got up from his chair dramatically.

Anonymous: In slow motion, almost falling over but diving into a roll.

"Let's do this."

eznpony: Let’s MAKE this happen.

Pinkie Pie got up in a similar fashion, "Oh, boy! Here we go!"
TO BE CONTINUED
Um, I mean...if you don’t mind...

Vimbert: I do, actually.

Chapter 6: The Effects of ADHD on Equines

Vimbert: Oh, praise be. Finally we’ll move to the true main character of this piece: Pinkie Pie!

Ethan and Rainbow Dash trotted out to the open field the next day to begin Ethan's pegasus training.

eznpony: Lesson 1: A pegasus’s proper place in society is above the filthy earth ponies, but slightly below the elite unicorn master race.

Ethan, still getting used to walking,

GelidEnmity: After getting his lazy ass outta that office chair in front of a computer screen...

let alone using his wings at all, was still apprehensive.
"Oh, jeez." Ethan said out loud. He looked at his wings, twitching at the thought of flying, then looking up at the clear sky above them. He could feel the pit in his stomach growing more and more upset with him, the more he thought about flying.
"So, you ready for your first lesson on flying?" Rainbow said, seeing the fear in Ethan's eyes.
"Uh, y-yeah. S-sure." Talking about it didn't seem to help the situation at all, much to Ethan's dismay. Fluttershy not being there for moral support didn't help either, since she had to run off and care for her baby animals.
"Okay, to start things off, open your wings. You kinda need them open in order to fly, you see."

eznpony: ”It’s a pretty advanced technique, but I think you’re ready!”

Rainbow said, pretending to be her least favorite flight school instructor in the process.

Anonymous: She will leer at Ethan as he’s showering off after gym class.

Vimbert: Wait, I thought that one was Dash’s FAVORITE instructor?

Ethan stared at his wings as they instinctively opened, showing their full feathered glory. He looked at Rainbow with a toothy smile, now a little more confident he won't crash.
"Good. Now, this next part is hard to explain." Rainbow thought for a second. "Just start running as fast as you can

Anon13: Then throw yourself at the ground, and miss!

, flap those wings of yours,

GelidEnmity: flap flap flap

and jump. Honestly, that's as simple as I can put it."
Seeing Ethan's fearful look returning, Rainbow decided to tease the new pegasus. "Hey, you ain't nervous, are ya?"
"N-no! Not at all! It'll be like r-riding a b-bike!" Ethan stammered back, pulling off the most fake-sounding laugh Rainbow had ever heard.
Rainbow Dash put her hooves on the sides of her head, massaging her temples, "This is going to be a long day..."

*******

If Twilight read another word from one of her books, she was pretty sure she would explode.

eznpony: Because, as we all know, Twilight hates reading. This is a fact.

Anonymous: Fact: If the number of words Twilight reads a day surpasses a certain value, they exert too much pressure on Twilight, causing her to burst.

Spending all of last night reading up on humans seemed to have put her mind up in a bunch, and her bed seemed to beckon to her like a muffin to Derpy.
Twilight closed The Egghead's Guide to Primates

Anon13: Subtitle: Equines Uber Alles

and piled it up with the other books to her right. Seeing the desk this empty was a rare sight, so she decided to cease the opportunity by putting her head down on it in frustration, drawing an audible groan as

Vimbert: Twilight enjoys modern art in her free time.

she did so.
Spike walked in, very much awake, having returned from his morning stroll to

eznpony: Moar like back from, amirite? Spike’s da man, and we all know it.

Rarity's boutique.
"Is something wrong, Twilight?" Spike asked, more curious than concerned.
"Ugh. I can't read anymore." Twilight replied from the desk bluntly.

eznpony: “Not now that I’ve found modern art, my true calling!”

Spike gasped, "What?! This is inconceivable!

Anonymous: It really is.

Sound the alarm! Call a hospital!" He shouted, before falling into a heap of laughter. Twilight got up from her seat and magiked

eznpony: Today I learnt that “magicked” is actually a word. “Magiked”, however...

Spike up to a standing position again and waited for him to finish.
"Yeah, yeah, I know. But listen, Spike. This reading is integral to the safety of the pony race. I need to put as much effort as I can to helping Equestria."
"I still don't see the problem here. Humans don't seem that bad to me. Those two guys seem nice."
"They are, Spike. But the people we're up against aren't."
"And who are they?"
"I...I'm not sure. I know that it isn't just all humans. It doesn't seem right."
"But, that's what it seemed like you were saying to everyone last night. You were pretty excited about it, too."
"That was just to get people riled up. I was tired, I didn't know what I was saying."
Spike could see Twilight was looking for excuses. "Are you sure?"

eznpony: “Nah, just kiddin’. Humans are scum!”

Twilight surrendered, and gave a heavy sigh. "I don't know, Spike. That job at the camp really got me thinking. With the amount of people willing to just out and abandon their former lives like that, you can't help but feel bad for them, you know?"

eznpony: “We can’t all be born right.”

"I...think I know what you're saying."
"I mean...humans aren't all bad. Some just need to be pointed in the right direction,

eznpony: “...to a ponification camp!” “Hi-five!”

is all. Whatever that direction is, I'm not sure. But I think I need some time to think about this on my own."

A loud, heavy object slammed into the frame of the library. The crash shook the door open, revealing a disoriented Ethan laying near the doorstep. He wobbled to get up.

eznpony: All the cool kids are doing it these days.

"Did I do it?" Ethan shouted, clearly very dizzy.
"Almost! Just work on the steering!" Rainbow Dash shouted back, holding back laughter.

eznpony: “No Laughter! Don’t kill him! His blood is mine!”

"Got it!" He replied, and flew off.
Spike walked over to the door to shut it, but was interrupted by a distressed Rarity who galloped up to the doorway faster than either of them have seen the unicorn gallop in their lives. She looked frazzled and annoyed, but at the same time very worried.
"I've lost Barry!" She shrieked, before collapsing onto the library floor.

eznpony: Overcome with joy.

"What?!" Twilight said in disbelief. "What happened?"
Ethan, hearing the distressed Rarity from outside, galloped inside to listen in.
Rarity regained her composure, "Well, we were practicing magic near my boutique, and I had mentioned how simply horrifying the Everfree Forest can be. I told him not to go there, because it was filled with horrid, disgusting creatures,

Pemberton: LIKE THOSE GOD-AWFUL AVARICE-INFLICTED HUMANS.

and it's far too dangerous for a beginner unicorn such as himself. And then...and then..."
"Then what?" Twilight said, desperate for an answer.
"Then he ran into the forest!" Rarity said, having difficulty comprehending the situation at hand. "He said something about 'fighting all of the cool monsters in there', and just...stormed off! He was rather rude about it, too!"
Ethan chimed in. "'Cool monsters'? That definitely sounds like something Barry would enjoy. He loves putting his life at risk like that."

Pemberton: Like that time he walked through New Orleans in full Ku Klux Klan regalia.

He then turned to Twilight. "What's so dangerous about this forest?"
"Everything. The creatures in there are unimaginably violent and dangerous, and the forest itself is so dark and big, it's incredibly easy to get lost in."

GelidEnmity: *chuckles*

Before anyone could say anything else, the group set off into the Everfree Forest. They didn't want to waste any time, because another minute wasted could be another mile deep Barry could be in the forest.
The forest, compared to the other sights and sounds of Equestria he had seen, was very different. The plant life was overgrown and unkempt, and seemed to want to block off the easiest ways out of the forest. There also was a perpetual fog around the area, and no matter how bright and sunny it was outside the forest, it was dark and spooky inside.

Anon13: Which is why the ponies knew it by another name: Home of Cliches.

Twilight, Rarity, and Spike were on foot, trudging through the thorny bushes and tall grass, while Rainbow Dash and Ethan stayed in the air. Ethan was just barely keeping up, but he seemed to be getting the hang of flying.
Ethan, for one, was elated.

eznpony: Barry was finally getting what he deserved for denying their love.
Nuke.equestria: Normal brotherly love.

While hovering carefully above the ground, flapping his wings slowly like Rainbow showed him, he pictured the potential things he could be doing with these wings. He can soar through the clouds, and travel anywhere faster than most anything else. Ethan loved this feeling of freedom flowing through him, but he was still iffy about the lack of thumbs. Just something else to get used to, he thought.

"GUYS! CHECK THIS OUT!"

GelidEnmity: “...I found this weird balloon on the ground!”

The group immediately heard the enthusiastic shouting of a certain unicorn coming a short distance ahead of them, and they ran towards the noise.
Barry was standing near a tall, endlessly steep cliff,

Nuke.equestria: You get an endlessly steep cliff by taking a normally steep one and dividing by zero.

and using his magic to fire sparks into the air.
"Look at what I can do! Now when those weirdo animals come after me, I can zap them with this magic stuff! Isn't this awesome?"
"Barry, what are you doing?! Let's get out of here before you get yourself killed!" Twilight said, sounding like an overprotective mother.
"But isn't this cool?" Barry said, totally oblivious. Every sentence he said sounded like famous last words to Ethan, and the thought of Barry falling to his death made him cringe.

Vimbert: They hadn’t even consummated their forbidden love yet!
Nuke.equestria: Forbidden Manly love.

Soon, his visions came to a reality. Barry fired a particularly large bolt of magic onto a nearby tree, causing two massive branches to fall from it. The bigger of the two hit Rainbow Dash, pinning her to the ground.

Vimbert: Oh, how goddamned convenient.

The other hit Barry, whacking him off the cliff.

Anon13: Fortunately he recovered quickly, since he'd spent years whacking off.

Ethan's mind was racing. He just learned to fly an hour ago. Does he have the kind of skill needed to save his friend from dying?

Vimbert: He shouldn’t.

Can he still save him in time?

Vimbert: Probably.

What if he doesn't save him?

Vimbert: Won’t happen, not in THIS story.
Nuke.equestria: But we can dream.

What will happen then? Ethan looked to his new friends quickly, but they were watching Barry falling down

Vimbert: “Should we help him?” “Nah.”

the seemingly bottomless ravine, and didn't notice Rainbow Dash at all. Everything seemed to be happening in slow motion. Barry falling, Rainbow Dash struggling to get out from under the branch pinning her down, and Ethan just standing there, watching his friend fall to his doom, all because he wasn't there for him in the first place...
What happened next was a blur. He felt like he wasn't in control of his body anymore,

eznpony: At least Blaze can admit to his authorial puppeteering.

and the only thing that kept him going was his gut. Ethan hopped off the edge of the cliff and spread his wings. Soaring like a professional would, Ethan put his hooves at his sides, like a bullet,

eznpony: Bullets always put their hooves at their sides.

and shot down to Barry. At the speed he was going, he was sure he couldn't have possibly been able to grab his friend in time, but somehow he did, catching him just before he hit the ground below. As he carefully flew back up, friend in tow, he realized that they both had been screaming the entire time. Ethan was just as afraid for his friend's life as Barry himself was. The ponies cheered as the hyperventilating

eznpony: Screaming is soooo half a second ago.

pegasus carried his friend to safety in the grass.
"I...I d-did it!" Ethan finally said, taking short, staggered breaths. He set Barry onto the ground.
Barry slowly opened his eyes and looked up at his savior.

Vimbert: Their eyes met. It was magical... it was special. Ethan had to stop himself from taking the adorably vulnerable Barry right then and there.

"You alright, buddy?" Ethan said nonchalantly.
"...I can be such an idiot sometimes." Barry joked.

Pemberton: “Take me, Ethan.”

Twilight and Rarity worked together to magik the branch off of Rainbow Dash, who looked particularly relieved to finally be able to move. She then looked at Ethan with the biggest smile he's seen her give him all day.
"You know, I thought you were pathetic when you were learning to fly this morning."
"I thought so. I'm still pathetic,

Vimbert: Well, at least he’s honest.

I just got lucky." Ethan said humbly.

Pemberton: AND HE’S HUMBLE, TOO. PRAISE BE TO SAINT ETHAN.

"No! Don't say that! Listen, you have the potential to be a great flier, you just need some practice."
"I'm sure. Thanks for teaching me, Rainbow."
Twilight trotted up to the two pegasi with a smile,

eznpony: “You guys want this smile? I’m not doing anything with it.”

"Alright, everypony. We need to get back soon. It's getting late, and I don't want to get attacked by the Everfree Forest's nighttime creatures."

As Twilight and the gang trotted back, Ethan couldn't help but realize how much more peaceful it was in Equestria. Living 17 years in the hustle and bustle of a suburban ghetto he called home, he wasn't used to the hushed silence that fell upon Ponyville when night time started setting in. The environment around them was much cleaner, and it felt like one of the few places Ethan had known of that he wasn't afraid to drink the tap water. In town, the ponies were talking calmly about the events of the day, making idle chit-chat with their friends, and there wasn't a frown in sight. While some may see it as inhuman, Ethan saw it as perfect.

eznpony: The drugs hadn’t worn off yet.

Barry could see Ethan drifting off into space, as he always did. "Earth to Ethan! Do you read?" He said, putting his hooves up to his mouth to put a walkie-talkie effect on his voice.
Ethan didn't reply. He was too busy staring at the moon.

Vimbert: DAT CRATER.

*******

Princess Luna sat at her balcony, concentrating on raising the moon with her magic. As the moon casually listed it's way

Nuke.equestria: Man, is that moon wasted!

into the sky to begin the night, Princess Celestia watched as her younger sister performed her duties as she had done many nights before.
"Another job well done, Luna."
"Thanks, sister. I'm glad you like it." Luna said, proud of her work.
"I love your nights. No matter how many times I had raised the moon, I could never have done it quite like you did."

eznpony: But that’s probably because you were weighing it down. A thousand years and you couldn’t lose any of that baby fat?”

"I think the same way with your days. Whenever I see you raise the sun in the mornings, I could never imagine me doing your job the way you do it. Your days are perfect."
Celestia smiled. Suddenly, breaking the silence between them, the door to the balcony opened with a start to a castle guard.

Anon13: Two other doors opened, one with the middle to a castle guard, and one with the end to a castle guard. (Big guard.)

"Princess Celestia, there is a visitor from the United States. She says that talking to you now is urgent."
"The United States? How did they get into Equestria?" Celestia said, remembering the magical border separating the humans from the ponies.
"She didn't. She wishes to communicate through magic." The guard replied.
The princess paused, only to think about what to say, "Very well. I will talk to her. Thank you." And sent the guard away.

GelidEnmity: “Ah, now to stare at pictures of the Princess that I just HAPPENED to find in her closet.”

Luna looked up at Celestia with a nervous look on her face. "You are going to talk to the humans?"

eznpony: “I wasn’t aware they could speak.”

"I have to. I think I know what she wants now."

Using the magic emanating from her magnificent horn,

Pemberton: I MEAN THIS HORN IS NICE, FOLKS.

Celestia formed a glowing blue ball in the center of the balcony, glowing with a magical aura.

eznpony: She’s so magical, she made it glow twice.

After a few seconds, an image appeared on the other side, acting much like a television being turned on. The figure on the other end of the line was an imposing female human.

eznpony:Ethan's mom?

Her features were hard to make out

eznpony: with, as they were on a screen.

, and it was as if the lights were turned down on purpose for the sake of her identity being revealed.

eznpony: "Turn up the lights! I can't let my identity be revealed!"

"I thought I told you not to call from this number anymore." Celestia greeted the figure, half-joking.

eznpony: Not even half, bro.

"Yeah, well, I just couldn't resist." The figure replied, in a strikingly un-feminine voice.

eznpony: Yep, Ethan's mom alright.

It sounded very dry, cold, and strict, but also very sinister.

eznpony: The voice in which I'm saying this sounds very sarcastic, but also quite incredulous, with a bit quizzicality thrown in for measure.

"What do you want?" Celestia said immediately.
"Listen, Princess. This ponification stuff isn't going to last forever.

eznpony: “They'll all turn back when the clock strikes midnight!”

I know you Equestrians started that whole campaign, but not everyone wants to be a pony."
"Okay." Celestia said, taken a little aback by the simplicity of the solution, "I never said they had to be a pony.

eznpony: "We've got a zebra system set up as well, but that hasn't really caught on."

Let them stay where they are."
"I think you misunderstand, Princess. We still want in. We just don't want to be ponies. I mean, four legs? No fingers? Who wants that?"
Celestia could tell that the figure had better reasons than that. "You've already done enough damage to the Equestrians, why must you be so persistent?"
"Because

eznpony: "we're all EEEEEVIL! Haven't you been reading the story?"

, the human world is dying. We can't go on the way we are now. And the only way we can is to move into your place for a while."

Anon13: Dude, can humanity crash on your ouch?
Vimbert: We're totally good for half the rent once the band starts getting some gigs again.

"What makes you think we'll greet you so easily like that? Your mixed messages a couple years ago

eznpony: "...broke my heart, Ethan's mom."

made me believe that all humans are evil, and now most of Equestria believes that for a fact." Celestia lowered her guard, remembering her stupidity

eznpony: "Why did I ever believe you loved me?! It was all a lie!"

, "I know better now, and that's why I opened the ponification camps. So that the supporters of ponykind can finally be with their brethren in Equestria."
"Ah, but your ponies still think we're bad. That is quite a conundrum. That would mean they wouldn't like us invading your territory unannounced like this."

Nuke.equestria: That's why we're announcing it.

A silence fell between the two. Celestia thought about what the figure had just said. Would she invade? How would she do it? Can we fight back?
The figure reached for something off-camera, "We'll discuss this later." And the transmission ended with static, the blue aura faded away. Celestia gave a heavy sigh and turned to the silent Luna, still stunned from what she saw.

"...now what, sister?"

GelidEnmity: “...You’re adopted.”
Nuke.equestria: Shut up! That's not true!

Luna said nervously.
"I don't know, Luna."
While Celestia looked like she just wanted to end the conversation there, Luna still had more questions. "Why is she so hurtful to us? Why does she have to be this way?"

eznpony: "I told her I'm not into that kind of thing!"

Celestia turned away from her glassy-eyed sister,

Nuke.equestria: It always bothered her, the way Luna's glass eyes rolled about.

looking for the right words to say. Turning towards the door, she left the room solemnly, leaving Luna to tend to the moon. Celestia had a lot to think about.

Chapter 7: The Thick Plottens

Pemberton: AND THE 7 CHAPTTERS.
Vimbert: I... what?

The rain fell hard the next day.

eznpony: It was standing in for the sun, who decided to take a break from beating down on everyone.

Pegasi ponies had scheduled the storm, and the citizens of Ponyville were more than ready for the torrent. Twilight sat at her desk, as she always did, skimming through a book about human nature. Spike noticed this, and walked up to her.
"More about the humans? Are you ever not reading about them?" Spike said, starting to get annoyed at his friend's constant research.
"Oh, Spike, calm down. What's so bad about it? I'm just...curious is all."

Vimbert: Twilight carefully hid her copy of “Hot Human Studs” under her actual research material.
Nuke.equestria: What are you talking about? That WAS her actual research material!
Vimbert: Pornception.

The dragon looked at the pile of books next to Twilight's desk, then gave her a bewildered look, "There can't be that many books about one species. At least, not any species I've seen."
"Exactly, Spike. You should have came with me to the camp, you would have learned alot. Human history is very interesting, indeed."
Spike leaned over to look at the book that Twilight was looking at, The Second World War - A Guide. He noticed a grainy, black-and-white picture of a rather greasy, mean-looking human holding his arm straight out, as if he was giving some form of salute.

Anon13: There, can we call Godwin's Law on this fic and end it here?

"One thing I have noticed," Twilight continued, "was that humans seemed to have much more battles and conflicts in their time than the Equestrians have had."
"Well, it just shows how mean they can be." Spike pointed out.
"Yes, but also...how mean they don't need to be." Twilight added, drifting into her thoughts halfway through saying it.

eznpony: Profound stuff, Blaze.
Nuke.equestria: Philosorapter would be proud.

Ethan was sitting on his guest bed, staring out at the rainy day through his second floor window. The rain reminded him of home, and of how he likes taking walks on rainy days. Today, however, it would be a trot, and that's what kept him inside.

eznpony: What kind of freak would take a trot on a rainy day?

Despite his heroic efforts the other day,

Vimbert: Which had left Barry quite sore in uncomfortable places.

and his successful flying lessons, he couldn't shake off the fact that he wasn't a human anymore.

eznpony: Despite?

He loved his new friends, and he was glad Barry was along for the ride, but he missed his human friends. His classmates. His family. He wondered where they were, and if they had even been ponified yet. All of these thoughts were rushing in his head at once, and taking the cue, he decided to take a nap. Slumping over on his bed with a muffled thud, and resting his head on the soft pillow, Ethan fell asleep instantly.

*******

"BUURRRP!!"

GelidEnmity: “Sorry! I didn’t mean to eat your porn stash!”

Ethan shot up from his bed, now hovering above it with his wings, and looked around to see where the loud belch had come from.
Barry, apparently having arrived during Ethan's slumber, was laughing his flank off, "Good out, Spike!"

eznpony: "What? 'Good out'. I'm telling you, it'll totally be thing."

He shouted, congratulating the dragon, who was now holding a scroll in his previously empty hands.
"Twilight! It's a letter from Princess Celestia!" Spike said excitedly as the unicorn rose from her desk to where Spike had been standing. Ethan flew down to join them, touching down next to Barry.
Spike cleared his throat, and read from the scroll.

My faithful student Twilight,

It would seem that Equestria is on the brink of an attack from the humans. I plan to come to your library in Ponyville to we can discuss this further, because I'm sure you and your friends must have many questions about the task at hand. No need to reply, I will be there before you know it.

~Princess Celestia

Immediately after finishing the letter, Twilight got into her authoritative mode. She stood up straighter, and she seemed much more serious.

GelidEnmity: SRS FKN BSNS.

"Barry, I need you to get everypony else and come back here in 20 minutes. Ethan, stay here, and help Spike and I clean up. This may be a last-minute, informal visit, but that doesn't mean we can greet the Princess in a dirty library."

eznpony: "She'd have my head!"

Barry stormed out the door, quick as a flash. He may be reckless, Ethan thought, but he's reliable given the circumstances, I guess.

Nuke.equestria: What a vote of confidence.

Ethan soon began picking up the heavy books, and flying them into appropriate shelves. The bookshelves seemed to have been labeled pretty obviously, so organizing them was easier than it had looked for him.
"Twilight?" Ethan asked from across the room.
"Yeah, Ethan? Is something wrong?" Twilight could hear the nervousness in his voice.
"No, no. I was just wondering something..." Ethan searched for the proper words to say, without trying to sound offending. "From the sound of things, you're the Princess's prized pupil, right?"
"Well, I wouldn't say that..." Twilight blushed,

Anon13: It's not like it's my ENTIRE REASON FOR BEING or anything...
eznpony: “Our relationship is a little more... intimate.”

"But she counts on me to help her research the magic of friendship."
"Right, right. What I'm trying to say is..." Ethan now noticed that Twilight is paying full attention to him, "Is the Princess nice?"
Twilight laughed a little, "Oh, yeah. Of course she is. You don't need to worry at all about that. She'll greet you with open hooves."
"Okay, good. Sorry if that sounded stupid." Ethan said, picking up The Human Anthology and putting it in it's place.

Pemberton: The muddy ground, because humans are pigs.

"No, you're entitled to ask that. You haven't met the Princess yet. You've only been in Equestria a couple days."
Ethan was a little surprised, to say the least. It had seemed like weeks since he was called down to the ponification room, and given that purple fluid that afternoon.

Anon13: Purple haze... all in my brain...

It was amazing how much he had learned, and how much he had done in the past few days. He had probably done more as a pony in a few days than he had done in a few weeks as a human. Somehow, Ethan felt achieved because of that.

eznpony: ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: Ethan

As soon as Twilight had put Broadway Musicals of the 1940s in its place under 'Human Culture', the door knocked.

Vimbert: The door just wants to come in, you cruel bastards!

Twilight looked at Ethan curiously, and Ethan returned the look. Twilight said, "Barry...wouldn't knock, would he?"
"No. I wonder who it is?" Ethan paced himself and trotted to the door. The only other noise besides his hoofsteps was the rain rapping

GelidEnmity: Come on! The rain has some sick beats!

against the windows, and that only made the suspense worse for him.
On the other end of the doorway was a rain-soaked white mare. Her mane was cotton-candy pink, much like Pinkie Pie's, but this mare's coat was a very pale white, much like a ghost's.
"C-can I come in?" The mare said, in the most innocent, adorable voice Ethan had ever heard. Twilight shoved Ethan out of the way,

Nuke.equestria: The proper place for any non-unicorn.

staring at the mare with a bewildered look on her face.
"Sure! Of course you can! Come in, have a seat!" Twilight said happily, but almost fake-sounding.
The mare trotted in slowly. "Th-thank you, miss..."

Vimbert: “Call me... Notlestia.”

And she sat down quietly at the table in the corner. Ethan was still confused as ever, but soon paid no attention, because the door burst open again seconds later.

"WE'RE BACK!" Barry shouted over the pouring rain, startling everypony already present, especially the new mare. The excitable unicorn trotted in confidently, with Pinkie Pie, Rarity, and Applejack following, all soaked from the rain. Rarity was in a fashionable purple raincoat, and she seemed pleased that she didn't get as wet as the other ponies. Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash flew in through the upstairs window.
The moment that the ponies gathered in the main room of the library, they all began bowing in the general direction of Ethan. Ethan looked behind him, and noticed that the mare from earlier had disappeared, and had been replaced by a magnificently large pony with a multi-colored wavy mane.

Vimbert: Wait, really? Could this author BE much lazier?

Her coat was the same color, but her head was adorned with a massive unicorn horn, and two intimidating pegasus wings were on her side. Noticing the crown, Ethan assumed that this was Princess Celestia, and awkwardly bowed with the others.

eznpony: And the point of her arriving in disguise was...?
Anon13: You're assuming there's a point to any part of this fic?
eznpony: Good point.

"Hello, everypony."
Twilight approached the Princess, who was nearly twice her height, and spoke. "Princess Celestia, this is Ethan and Barry," she said as she gestured to the two timid ponies looking at her wide-eyed, "They're the humans I wanted to help us."

nuke.equestria: Even as a pony, Ethan didn't fit in.

"Well, it's very nice to finally meet you two. Welcome to Equestria." Celestia said, greeting Ethan and Barry in a very motherly, amicable way. Now a little less nervous, Barry stammered for a greeting. "H-hi, your majesty."
"Please, just call me Princess, or Celestia. A friend of Twilight Sparkle's is a friend of mine."

GelidEnmity: “HAHA JOKE’S ON YOU, I HAVE NO FRIENDS!”

Twilight giggled at Barry, then turned back to Celestia. "They've already met my friends, and we've agreed to go on with our plan."
"And that is...?" Applejack chimed in.
"That's why the Princess is here. We need to discuss what to do."

Anon13: So, the plan is to come up with a plan? Shouldn't you do some planning first, so you can better plan out coming up with a plan?

"Well, hang on, Twilight. There is something I need to mention before we go any further." Celestia said, a little less imposing and authoritative than expected.
"What's that, Princess?" Twilight asked.
"Listen. We can't just go on living thinking all humans are bad."

Anon13: When did we land in an Afterschool Special?

"Why not? I don't see the problem with that at all!" Rainbow arrogantly put in, only to be elbowed in the side by Applejack.
"I understand your sentiments, Rainbow Dash, but it simply isn't true. Humans are normally very kind people, and these two here are the prime examples of it."
Everypony looked over at Ethan and Barry, who were blushing at all of the positive attention.

Pemberton: God knows that’s something new for them.

"I supported the construction of the Conversion Bureaus, or 'ponification camps', as they are sometimes called, because I wanted humans to see the world through our eyes, and to help them get out of their dying world. It's clear that the human society simply cannot go on the way it is now, and that's why we encourage the integration."

eznpony: "Summarily: only self-loathing humans who want to be ponies are good people."
Nuke.equestria: Also, we can't solve our problems without the ponies’ help.

"So, who has a problem with it?" Rainbow asked, a little more concerned after hearing the other side of the story.
"That's who we're up against. They call themselves the Human Liberation Front, and believe solely in the survival of the human race.

eznpony: Those bastards!

They formed when we started the ponification campaign, as a way to prevent the humans from moving to Equestria."
Twilight suddenly turned to Ethan. "Ethan, did you know anything about this? Surely the humans had been talking about it before you left."
Ethan remembered reading about this in the paper he had clipped out mentioning the camps. "...the Human Liberation Front refuses to give up hope in the human race,

Nuke.equestria: The losers.

even though the American human population as dropped 30% since the opening of the ponification camps two years ago..."
"I read about it a little in the weeks before I went to the camp. They threatened to bomb the Conversion Bureau in Wisconsin once, but I'm sure it was just an empty threat. I know you ponies probably don't get the news we do, but it was a serious crisis for the pony supporters in the area."
"Oh, yeah! I remember that!" Barry said, apparently proud he recalled the event, "That was a serious fiasco. I was vacationing near there during spring break

Anon13: OK, seriously, who does spring break in Wisconsin?
Vimbert: Barry led a very deprived childhood.

, and the townspeople were going mad with

Vimbert: SCIENCE!
eznpony: Human evilness!

protests on the streets."

"Er, Princess," Applejack said, changing the subject, "So when ya said last year that all the humans were bein' bad,

GelidEnmity: Cue the sexy lingerie!

was that just a load of hooey?"
"Well, yes, Applejack." Celestia replied, "The boss of the HLF had told me that, and I quote, 'the ponies have the entire human race to deal with'." She used hoof-quotes to emphasize the comment, "I mistook this as humans being 100% anti-pony, and announced this to you ponyfolk. I had learned since then that , and I apologize for any confusion."

eznpony: “... and for any human murders I may or may not have committed.”
Nuke.equestria: Princess Celestia has to be the most gullible person ever.

"Oh, it's fine, Princess." Fluttershy added, "We know how nice humans are.

Nuke.equestria: Wait! When did this happen?
eznpony: “Not nice at all!”

There are a lot of wonderful new ponies moving in, and they are so kind to us..."
"I'm going to have to agree with Fluttershy on this one." Rarity said, "I have a few new helpers working for me at the boutique now, and I simply could not go on without them."
Rainbow Dash surrendered her former views, "It's just...it's hard to imagine such nice ponies can come from where humans come from."
"Well, Rainbow, I don't think you should be one to talk. Walk a mile in a human's shoes, and you'll see why some are so cynical and mean all the time."

GelidEnmity: “Ow...Damn sand!”

Ethan said, being oddly protective. Even Rainbow was surprised from Ethan's sudden defensive manner.
"I guess you're right, Ethan." Rainbow said.

"So, what do we do to stop this, Human-uh, whatever thingy?" Pinkie Pie asked Princess Celestia.
"I was just getting to that. Ponies are very pacifist,

GelidEnmity: Ha! That’s a laugh.

as you all know, so we will not be fighting back. We will begin with defending our territory. I want to strengthen the magical barrier around Equestria that has kept it from humans for so long. The magic has been worn from decades of being there, and it's time we update the system. I want you ponies to look for the book that holds the spells we need to strengthen the shield."
"I guess it's not in the library..." Twilight joked.
"No, it's not. You will need to go to The Ruins of the Ancient Pony Sisters, and search there. The spells should be in a book of forbidden magic hidden deep in the ruins themselves.

eznpony: Magic so forbidden we use it all the time!
Nuke.equestria: What good would forbidden magic be if you never used it?

I will give you a couple of days to prepare, but only a couple of days.

Vimbert: “As for me, I’ll be far too busy eating cake and laughing at peasants to help. Toodles!”

The HLF's attack could happen at any time."
"Got it." Twilight replied bluntly. And with that, the Princess teleported away in a flash of blinding magic.
Pinkie Pie shook with excitement, before beginning to jump around the room, "YAY! ADVENTURE!"
"Listen up, everypony! Only pack what you absolutely need. This will be a much harder trek than we are used to, and we need to pack lightly to survive.

eznpony: "That extra toothbrush COULD kill you."

Spend these next couple of days resting up, you'll need plenty of energy."
The other ponies began to leave, including Barry. Twilight then tapped Barry on his back.
"Barry? Where have you been staying the past couple of days?"
"Oh, I've been staying at Fluttershy's.

Anon13: Bow chicka bow bow...

Why?"
"I will need you to come over tomorrow. I need to teach you some advanced magic, and fast. Lessons begin as soon as you get up tomorrow."
"Alright, alright." Barry said, pretending to sound nonchalant about the ordeal, but was actually very ecstatic.

Ethan had flown up to his bed, which was still as messy as he left it. The sky was pitch black now, but the rain pattered on the window incessantly. Liking the white noise while he slept, Ethan waited for everypony to leave, then drifted softly into a deep slumber.

Chapter 8: Not Sure If Want

Pemberton: Change that “not sure if” to “do not” and you’ve got yourself a deal.

The clock was ticking. After getting up at 6am and trudging to his bus stop on the cold Monday morning, Ethan just didn't want to put up with school anymore.

eznpony: ~Monday, Monday! Gotta be emo on Monday!~

United States History wasn't his strong suit, but he still passed it somehow, even if it was the first class of the day. Barely staying awake, he stared at the teacher in a daze. The textbook on his desk was open to a random page, and the paper he was given was filled with random doodles,

GelidEnmity: That just SCREAMED “Phallic imagery”.

but from a distance, Ethan looked like he was doing something, and that's all that mattered.
"Ethan, can you tell me what the name of that slave was?"
Ethan shot up from his head-leaning-on-hand position. He hadn't heard what the teacher was talking about, and the teacher knew that.
"Uh...uh..." Ethan thumbed through his textbook frantically. Suddenly, he felt a light tap on his back.
"Hey, it's Dred Scott, dumbass."

Pemberton: I bet Blaze was real proud that he remembered something from 8th grade social studies.

The voice behind him whispered.
"D-Dred Scott?" Ethan said out loud to the teacher.
"Right." The teacher replied, defeated.

Nuke.equestria: That happened a lot.
eznpony: “My one weakness: students who learn!”

"Now, in 1857..."
As the teacher continued his lecture, Ethan decided to turn around and thank the classmate that helped him through that sticky situation. Behind him, was what made him realize he was dreaming.
"Ethan," Twilight Sparkle asked the human staring at her, "Do you have a pencil I can borrow?"

GelidEnmity: “...So I can stab your eyes out?”

*******

"AH!" Ethan awoke with a start.

GelidEnmity: “Aww, I wet the bed again!”

He was startled not at the fact Twilight was his classmate, but that he was still human in his dream.

eznpony: Naturally.

It was weird being a human again.

Anon13: Then again, for him, it was kinda weird being a human before...

Ethan felt like he had already gotten used to the new equine body he was given. Looking outside and noticing the morning sun shining through his window, Ethan trotted downstairs.
The second Ethan climbed down the ladder from his room, a book came careening towards him. Ducking out of fear, the book crashed into a nearby chair, which fell. The book had come from Barry, who was practicing magic with Twilight in the main room.

eznpony: "Let's move on. Maybe you can try teach books to duck again later," said Twilight.

"Good morning, sleepyhead! What kept you in there so late?"

GelidEnmity: That’s why Ethan is forever known as, “The Handyman”.

Twilight said, indicating the clock, which read 11:49am.
"Oh, nothing. Just had a weird dream, is all." Ethan replied, with the images from the dream flashing through his head when he looked at the familiar purple unicorn.
"Alright. You can tell me about it later.

eznpony: "Although on second thought, rather don't. And stop staring at me like that!"

I'm busy teaching your friend here some magic that can help us through the Everfree Forest."
"...so you're flinging books?" Ethan asked, still a little thrown off from the book earlier.
"Well, these are just for practice. With the right training, Barry could use any nearby object as a weapon. It won't be enough to inflict too much pain, but just enough to hold off any creatures we run into there."

Hearing Twilight's voice made Ethan think about what she had said in the dream. She said 'dumbass'. To Ethan's recollection, he hadn't heard a single pony swear once in his life. Sure, he's heard his human friends spout out more curse words than a drunk sailor, but ponies never seemed to stoop that low. Ethan was never one to talk like that often, but recently he hasn't even felt the urge. The word 'ass' sounds foreign to him; like he had never heard the word before in his life.

eznpony: "The conditioning worked!"

"Oh! Ethan, I need you to do something for me." Twilight said, turning away from her student, and snapping Ethan back into reality.
"Sure, okay. What do you want me to do?"
"I need you to go to Rarity's boutique and check in on the order I placed for raincoats. I heard the weather in the Everfree Forest gets pretty feisty

Vimbert: The weather can do things that would make your hooves curl.

this time of year, and we can never be too prepared for a storm."
"Yeah, okay. Err, where is the boutique?"

GelidEnmity: “I wanna feel pretty!”

Ethan asked. He hadn't realized until now he didn't really walk around town too much in his stay in Ponyville.
"It's just outside the marketplace, next to the cafe. You can't miss it."
"Yeah, it's the fru-fruiest

Pemberton: Barry: Taking the phrase “trying too hard” to new heights.

building in town!" Barry chimed in.
"Hush, you. Here's 20 bits, in case she wants to be paid up front." Then Twilight shoved a hoof-ful of gold coins into a little bag, and Ethan placed it under his wing.
"Alrighty. I'll get going, then." Ethan announced, and headed for the door.

The streets of Ponyville were as packed as ever. Even though he was used to going to New York City with his family on occasion, Ethan still couldn't help but look around at the hustle and bustle of the afternoon rush. Ponies were mingling with their friends, shopping at the grocery stands, and playing on the streets, each and every one of them with a warm and welcoming smile on their face.
eznpony: A lesser man than Ethan might be thoroughly creeped out.
Anon13: o/~ Where everybody knows your mane... o/~

Ethan had to smile himself, despite him just getting out of bed not a half hour ago, and all of this concentrated happiness seemed to have been passed on to him.
Passing by the cafe, Ethan heard a small gasp from a table nearby. Turning around with a start, he noticed Fluttershy sitting at the outdoor restaurant alone, eating a plate of hay fries.

Anon13: Which would seem to be the only thing ponies eat, going by this fic.
eznpony: And I thought humans were supposed to be the ones with “horrible health habits”.

Upon Ethan glancing at her, Fluttershy squeaked louder, and attempted to hide her face for a second. Surrendering to the attention, she finally calmed down.
"Oh, um...hi, Ethan." She mumbled, just audible for Ethan to hear it.

eznpony: "Please stop following me."

"Hi there, Fluttershy. What's going on?"
"Nothing, I guess...how has your day been?"
"Pretty good so far."

Anon13: "Just preparing to abandon my birth species entirely to fend off a war for survival. No big."

Ethan said, surprising himself with his optimism, "I'm just getting Twilight's order of raincoats from Rarity's place."
"Oh, that sounds like fun...well, I'm sure you're busy, so I won't bother you any longer..." She seemed to be a little sad that Ethan didn't have much time to talk to him.

eznpony: ... he told himself.
RingmasterJ5: Hermaphroshy! Shyvestite!
eznpony: Transflutter!
Anon13: Fluttershy wished, again, that she had the confidence to tell Ethan to go (bleep) himself.

"Okay then. I'll talk to you later, Fluttershy!" Ethan said as he trotted away. Perking up at the sound of Ethan saying her name, Fluttershy waved 'goodbye' back, and went back to her eating.
After looking back to where he was walking, Ethan concentrated on the task at hand. Barry was certainly right when he said that the Carousel Boutique was 'fru-fru'. The lavish pink and lavender colored building towered over the other assorted shops that dotted the village streets, and, 20 bits still in tow, Ethan walked hesitantly up the pathway to the door.

Suddenly, a sharp pain. Nothing that he had felt yet as a pony. The back of his head was throbbing like it had just been kicked

eznpony: Phew, a few inches toward the front of his head and this could have been an OC alicorn fic.

, and Ethan fell like a scared goat. With only enough energy to feel where he had been hit, Ethan looked around for what had hit him.
Ponyville was in panic mode, with the ponies that were just having fun and enjoying themselves screaming in terror and hiding in the nearest buildings.

eznpony: "Sometimes, it's really fun to be scared!"

Everything went black,

eznpony: As the Rolling Stones had just been ponified.

and the last thing Ethan heard before passing out was a shrill scream from nearby...

*******

He was on a swing. Swinging higher and higher, kicking his legs in the air, and soon he jumped off. Instead of hitting the ground, though, he sprouted wings, and soon he was a pegasus. Flying high into the clouds, he felt total bliss...

"Ethan? Ethan, are you okay?"
Ethan woke up.

Nuke.equestria: Dammit!
eznpony: At least we escape the terrible dreams for now.
Anon13: In favor of the terrible non-dreams?
eznpony: I like to count my blessings.

Opening his eyes, Fluttershy was looking back at him, her concerned face almost completely obscuring his view of where he was. Ethan was laying in a very comfortable bed, and the sound of chirping birds and other assorted animal noises was heard outside the window nearby.
"Oh, thank goodness! You're okay. Um, do you want anything?"
"Some water would be nice, I guess." Ethan said. He tried to move his head, but the back of his head stung as he moved it, and he cringed in pain.
"No no, don't move. I'll get it for you. Just wait here and get some rest..." Fluttershy said, motherly. Then she trotted quietly downstairs, leaving Ethan alone with his thoughts for a few moments.
It had happened again. Ethan had another dream where he was human. Why was this happening to him? Is his subconscious regretting becoming a pony? Is his human nature somehow still making it's way out, and trying to communicate to him through his dreams?

Nuke.equestria: Ethan, a man trapped in a pony, trapped in a man, trapped in pony!
eznpony: “I’ve always been a man in a pony trapped in a man’s body, and now I’m taking steps to correct that.”
Anon13: Ow. My brain.

Or was he just slipped some bad muffins?

Vimbert: THESE ARE SOME REALLY GOOD BLUEBERRIES, MAN.

Before Ethan could dwell on these questions any longer,

Nuke.equestria: Good Lord! We wouldn't want that!

Twilight rushed into the room, looking very concerned.
"Ohmygosh! Ethan, is everything okay? Fluttershy told me what happened, and--"
"It's fine. Really. I just got hit in the head pretty hard. By what, I don't know, but I'm alive, and I think that's all that matters."
Twilight calmed down

eznpony: "We'll get him next time..."

, "Well, I appreciate the optimism, Ethan, but somepony told me you were attacked by a creature in the Everfree Forest!"
"What? I wasn't even in there! Ouch!" Ethan had rose from the bed too quickly, and his head injury acted up again. He laid back down, resting his head on the soft pillow.
"It must have been a creature from the forest, then. Nothing outside of that place ever comes close to causing that kind of damage to somepony. But what could a creature that dangerous be doing outside of the forest like this? In broad daylight, even!"
"Well, we'll investigate that later.

Anon13: Yeah, I'm sure an unexplained HEAD INJURY can wait...

I have a question, actually." Seeing Twilight turn to him in interest, Ethan continued, "It's...kinda related to this, but at the same time, it's not."

Vimbert: Speech skill: Ethan does not have it.

Twilight seemed a little confused, but still interested, "Okay...what is it?"
"Well, every night since I got here, I've been having these weird dreams. In the dreams, I'm a human again. But ponies somehow get into the dream. I-it's hard to describe..." Ethan gave up explaining, and assumed Twilight gave up trying to understand him.
Twilight, however, knew what he was talking about. At first, she looked worried and curious, but soon switched to reassuring and calm. "Just don't worry about it for right now. Your body is

eznpony: not ready.

probably just getting used to being a pony, and having trouble adapting."
"I...guess that makes sense." Ethan said, as Fluttershy came in with a cup of tea for Twilight, and water for Ethan.
"I'm sorry...was I interrupting anything?"
"No, Fluttershy." Twilight said to the pegasus, "Now let's give Ethan some time alone to rest his head. He should be fine for tomorrow."

But Ethan couldn't sleep.

GelidEnmity: He realized at the last moment that his fly had been down the whole day.

He had too many things to think about right now.

Chapter 9: The Morning Shift

GelidEnmity: At McDonalds.
Nuke.equestria: Mmmm.... Meat shaped animal products.
eznpony: Made of reeeal plastic!
Anon13: What exactly would fake plastic be?
eznpony: The stuff our competitors use.

"Good morning, everyone. Today is Saturday, May 14. The lunch today is macaroni and cheese for humans, and the ponies will have the daffodil special.

Vimbert: No hay fries?

Would a Mr. James Fredrikson please report to the ponifiation room

RingmasterJ5: The ponifiation room? Sounds shady.

to be ponified? This has been Rainbow Dash, have a great day."

Rainbow Dash took her hoof off the button to turn on the intercom microphone. The various clamoring noises of the humans in the dorms downstairs started immediately, and the noise didn't help with the pegasus's early morning headache. She massaged her temples and turned around on the swivel chair she was sitting on. Rarity was there, looking at Rainbow oddly.
"What? What did I do?" Rainbow asked impatiently.
"You could have been a little more...I don't know, enthusiastic with the announcement readings, couldn't you?"
"Well, Pinkie Pie normally does them, but she's out working at Sugarcube Corner!

Nuke.equestria: Does the mane six run all of the Conversion Bureaus?

What do you expect, an award-winning performance from me? Jeez..."
"Okay, I'm sorry I asked." Rarity replied, feeling insulted.
"...I'm sorry." Rainbow said, as politely as she could, "I just really didn't want to come in today. I mean, we're about to go on an epic journey! Why would we still have to work one more day?"
"Listen, Miss Hooves said that the interns filling in for us will be coming in tomorrow. Can't you just sit through this one shift without going off in a huff for once?"
"Miss Hooves can't even see in one direction at once! Why trust her?"

eznpony: "Her disability makes her almost as bad as a human!"

"Because she is our boss, Rainbow Dash." Rarity said bluntly. "Now, if you will excuse me, I have a human to ponify."

Vimbert: I mean abuse. I mean ponify.

And she strutted out of the office.
Rainbow Dash drew a heavy sigh, then slurped from the grape Slushee on her desk. If there was one job she hated the most, it was working in the main office. Sitting at a desk and answering calls all day is a nightmare for her, and training the pegasi can't possibly be awesome without her there. Cloudkicker can only teach the humans so much about flying, and Rainbow believed that under her wing, those humans will soon become the best fliers in all of Equestria...second to her, of course.

Nuke.equestria: Of course.

Having been stuck in her grumpy thoughts, Rainbow had not heard Applejack walking in, carrying her saddlebags to begin her day.
"Howdy there, sugarcube." Applejack greeted Rainbow. "Is somethin' the matter?"
"Oh, nothing, AJ. I'm just tired, is all."
"The desk work gettin' too boring for ya?"
"...a little." Rainbow reluctantly replied.
Applejack laughed a little, then put her bags down on her chair. Taking a thermos of apple juice out of the front pocket, she took one quick sip, then put it down on the desk with her mouth.
"So, what do you secretaries do for fun around here?

GelidEnmity: Our boss.

"Play with this doohickey mostly."

GelidEnmity: ...no comment.

Applejack replied, pointing at the computer on her desk. Rainbow looked at her own, confused. After some thought about how a pony could possibly operate such a contraption, she turned back to Applejack, having thought this question out for some time.
"So, what do you think of Ethan, AJ?"

GelidEnmity: “Well, he’s kind of a douche, but...”

Rainbow asked awkwardly.
"I suppose he's an alright pony. Why do ya ask?"
"Well...I've been thinking."

Anon13: Huh, I thought I smelled smoke.

"Have ya?"
"Yeah. About what Princess Celestia said about humans not all being evil. I mean, Ethan and Barry seem kinda cool...are all humans like that?"

Pemberton: No, not all humans are douches, Rainbow.

"...I don't think so." Applejack replied, a little afraid to get into this kind of conversation. She knew about Rainbow's tendencies to jump to conclusions about humans, and was well aware of what she might be getting into by answering.
"Then how am I supposed to know that Ethan and Barry won't turn on us, or something? Am I just supposed to assume they're nice guys?"

eznpony: Why would you assume THAT?

"No, not at all. It's okay to have suspicions about somepony you know.

Anon13: Soon to be a letter to Celestia, right there.

Just keep being nice to 'em, and you'll find out soon enough if they can be trusted."
"...do you trust them?"
"Well, Twilight brought 'em here, and she thinks they're fine, so I think they are actually good ponies. Yeah, I trust 'em. I actually heard that Twilight has known Barry for a while now."

Nuke.equestria: If you know what I mean.

Rainbow was very unsure of herself right now. In the past couple of days, her opinion about humans has been turned upside down. She doesn't know who to believe anymore.
"I-it's just so...weird to see such nice ponies come from such a mean creature like a human."
"That's the thing, sugarcube. Not all of 'em are as mean as you think they are. We just got a bad first impression, is all. I'm sure there's a whole bushel of great humans out there who'd just love to meet

eznpony: "Oops, I mean love to be!"

ponies like you."
"Do you think so...?"
"I know so."
"...thanks, Applejack. You've really helped me think about this."
"Anytime, hun."

Applejack turned in her chair and began hitting the buttons on the keyboard. Rainbow inspected her own computer, looking back and forth between her hooves and the small keys on the keyboard.
"So, can you tell me how to work this thing?"
"Sure can.” She replied, trotting over to Rainbow’s desk and hitting the big green button on the modem, “Ya see, it's all in the hoof."
"Well, I've figured out that much already. I see all of these humans working these things with their fingers, and I don't see how us ponies can do it without magic."
"That's why mostly unicorns run these things, but I've been workin' on a way to get these to run for us non-magic folk, too.

Anon13: "I dabble in Mad Science on the side."

You shouldn't use it too much, though. I hear humans put bad stuff on it sometimes."
"I've heard about that, too. I hope this thing can keep that kind of stuff from showing up."

Pemberton: "Hey AJ, I just found this thing called 'redtube', I'm gonna check it out."

Rainbow said as the computer booted up. "Oh, and AJ?"
"Yeah?"
"What's a Facebook?"

Chapter 10: Wing It

GelidEnmity: Just like the author did with this fic.

There was a warmth on Ethan's right hind leg

Vimbert: "Barry, I told you... not tonight. I have a headache."
Nuke.equestria: A Manly head... oh, never mind.

that he didn't feel when he went to sleep that night. Sitting up on the bed, Ethan saw a small bunny laying on the sheets, sleeping soundly. He couldn't help but let out an audible "Aww" at the sight of this, and thankfully, that didn't wake the bunny.
Ethan was still in Fluttershy's cottage, having decided to stay the night there. He originally suggested sleeping on the couch downstairs, but Fluttershy insisted Ethan take her bed,

Vimbert: When Fluttershy wears the pants, you know something has gone either horribly wrong or horribly right.

because he needs the comfort for his head. Her bed was indeed, very comfortable, and the fluffy layers of warm comforters draped on the full-size mattress didn't seem to bother Ethan too much, despite the summer-like weather outside.
Just as soon as Ethan had fully awoken, Fluttershy entered with a steaming cup of tea.

eznpony: Fluttershy is my favourite horse. She is the perfect woman, and knows her place in society. She is Jesus in disguise.

"Oh, goodness! I didn't know you would be awake so early..."
"Yeah, neither did I."
Fluttershy glanced at Ethan, then noticed the bunny on his leg. "Looks like Angel found a friend while you were sleeping."

eznpony: "He must have hid the body under your bed."

"I guess so."
The yellow pegasus put the cup of tea down next to the bed. "How are you feeling?"
"A little better. My head doesn't hurt to much anymore. This bed is very comfy." Ethan said, bouncing a little.
"Oh, that's good."
"When are we leaving? Aren't we supposed to go on that adventure today?"
"Um, yes. I think so. We have to go to the library at seven, I think."
Ethan looked at the wooden clock on the bedroom wall, which read 6:32. That explained why the sun hadn't come up yet. Angel awoke with a start once Ethan moved his leg. The bunny quietly groaned, then ran downstairs. After a short pause, Fluttershy spoke up.
"Well, um, we should get going then, shouldn't we?"
"Sounds good. Let's go."

Nuke.equestria: They then had a rather awkward lovemaking session, leaving both embarrassed and unsatisfied.

Walking in the early morning, Ethan noticed how quiet the town could get, compared to how loud it was when he was walking through the market the other day. The morning chill, coupled with the calm breeze that blew through the trees in the Everfree Forest next to Fluttershy's house, set the mood for things to come. Ethan thought of it as the calm before the storm, even though he had no idea what the storm would be, if any.

Vimbert: "What is this thing you call 'storm'?"
Nuke.equestria: You see, when a man and a woman really love each other...

Looking for Barry was one thing;

Vimbert: ...as they could rely on Ethan's gaydar

they were lucky they didn't run into any creatures back there. This is different. They will be in the deepest part of the forest, where they will be sure to run into...Ethan had no idea, but he was sure it'd be dangerous.
Noticing how crushingly awkward Fluttershy looked walking next to him, Ethan attempted to start a conversation,

Vimbert: and failed miserably.

"So, what do you think of the humans?"
"I think that th-the ones that are trying to, um, attack Equestria are very mean, and they sh-shouldn't be like that to us." Fluttershy responded, getting visibly more uncomfortable as she pictured this, "But you and Barry are very nice...I'm glad to have met you two."

ezpony: "You will make excellent virgin sacrifices."

"Well, thanks. I appreciate that." Ethan replied warmly, and Fluttershy blushed noticeably. Ethan didn't notice it, because he had turned away, realizing that they had already arrived at Twilight's library.
Remembering last time Fluttershy knocked on the door, Ethan decided to do so, firmly and loudly. Answering the door was Pinkie Pie, looking four times as awake as either of them combined.

Vimbert: Either of them combined with... what exactly?

"Hiya, you two! Glad to see you can make it!" Pinkie greeted the ponies, flashing a massive grin.
"Oh, good morning, Pinkie Pie..." Fluttershy responded kindly.
"Hi, Pinkie." Ethan said. He hadn't really gotten very well acquainted with the pink mare, and only remembers her a little, from when they were going to the ponification room. The voice was very recognizable, though.
"How’re ya doing, Ethan? It's great to see you all...ponied up!

Vimbert: At least the author got her awful puns right.
Nuke.equestria: Don't encourage him.

Hahahaa!" Pinkie said, laughing at her own joke as the two walked in, much more awake than when they were walking over there. Twilight was the only other pony inside

eznpony: ... everyone else in the room was human.

, who was sitting at her reading desk as usual.
"Good morning, Ethan! Is your head okay?"
"Yes, much better, thanks."
"Great. We're leaving soon, but settle in while we wait for the others to arrive." And with that, Twilight returned to her reading, and the two ponies sat at the table in the corner.

Almost immediately after they had sat down, Applejack arrived, with a small yellow filly following eagerly behind her.

Anon13: Contract says the kid's in every episode.

AJ looked noticeably more awake than the others, but definitely not as awake as Pinkie Pie.

Nuke.equestria: On a scale of 1 to 10, AJ was a 7.5.
eznpony: Which, incidentally, was exactly what Ethan was thinking just then, in reference to another scale.

"G'morning, y'all. Hope ya don't mind, Twi, but Apple Bloom here said she wanted to come with us." Applejack said, gesturing toward the filly.
"Please, Twilight? Can I go? I wanna see if I can find my special talent in the forest!" Apple Bloom begged to the purple pony, giving the most irresistibly adorable puppy-dog eyes.

eznpony: "Do you know what a death cutie mark would look like?"

"Of course, Apple Bloom. Just don't get into too much trouble. The forest is very dangerous."

Nuke.equestria: Exactly the place for hyper-active fillies.
eznpony: Mortal peril and fatal injuries build character.

"I know. Don't worry none, Twilight. I'll be fine." Apple Bloom said confidently, sounding like she was trying to sound more mature than she was.
"Where's Rainbow Dash? Wasn't she with you at the Bureau yesterday?"
"Yeah, she said she might be a bit late, but I still figured she'd come by earlier than me. That's a might odd..." Applejack said, trailing off as she wondered where Dash might be.
"Okay. I just hope she doesn't take too long. We need to leave soon." Twilight replied as she closed the book on her desk and put it in the pile. "I need to wake up Spike and Barry, so I might be a bit."
Rarity arrived a few minutes later, donning an azure sun hat and matching saddle bags.
"Sorry I'm late, but I couldn't find the tiara that went with this bag. That's when I found this darling hat, and I thought 'I simply must wear this!'. So I did." Rarity explained quickly,

Nuke.equestria: Stating self-evident facts.
eznpony: While wearing a darling hat.

almost sounding like Pinkie Pie with how excited she was.
"Fascinatin'." Applejack said dully, growing impatient waiting. "When's Dash gettin' here? I wanna get this over with."
As if on cue, Rainbow Dash flew in as fast as she could through the open upstairs window. After catching her breath, she touched down on the floor next to Applejack.
"Ms. Hooves kept me until late last night, so I overslept...I swear, she's out to get me sometimes!"

eznpony: "Typical for someone with her condition, really."

"She isn't out to get me!" Pinkie chirped, as she pranced up to Dash happily, "Well, maybe because I get her muffins every week, but I don't think that'd have anything to do with what I do at work! OH! One time, she called me down to her office, and she said 'Muffins!', and then I said 'Okay!', and then we..."

eznpony: "...did all kinds of things I promised not to reveal."

Losing track of the story, Ethan gave up trying to listen to Pinkie. Then, he turned his attention to Twilight, who was coming down from upstairs with a half-asleep Spike on her back, and a equally as half-asleep Barry coming

Vimbert: I... no, it's too easy.
eznpony: I admire their sleepiness co-ordination. Must’ve taken some planning.

down behind her. Spike mumbled something, and flopped down on the floor. Barry, for once, didn't say anything. He was probably too tired to care about anything right now.
"Good, good, everypony's here. Now we can go."
"Really? That's awfully blunt of you." Rarity asked, as surprised as the rest of the group at Twilight's sudden change of pace. "No lecture about what not to do in the forest? No silly presentation on the dreadful creatures we might encounter?"
"Nope. I think we've all frequented the forest enough

Vimbert: Yep. Go in the Everfree Forest once and you're an expert, right Barry and Ethan?
eznpony: Been there once, been there a thousand times. It’s all the same, cliffs, manticores, trees, ruins...

to know where to go by now."
"Aw yeah! That's what I like to hear! Let's go!" Rainbow barked enthusiastically, and started for the door.

Walking down the same pathway as earlier bored Ethan,

Vimbert: All this beautiful scenery that I couldn't shut up about before now bores me! Show me something else, canon peasants, for I am a self-insert!

since they had to go past Fluttershy's house to get to the forest. Suddenly, Apple Bloom caught up with Ethan, now trotting side-by-side with him.
"So you used to be one a'those hoo-mans?" Apple Bloom asked nervously, as if she was talking to an alien.

eznpony: "Do y'all really eat ponies?"
Nuke.equestria: I still do.
eznpony: “You should try it.” “Nah, last time I did that it made everyone mad.”
RingmasterJ5: “And I didn’t get my cannibalism cutie mark!”

"’Humans.’" Ethan corrected the filly, laughing, "And yeah, I was a human about a week ago."
"Wow! What's it like? Is it any different than bein' a pony?" The little pony queried, really interested in learning about his home species.

Nuke.equestria: He's just vacationing as a pony.
eznpony: Got a pretty good timeshare deal on a pegasus body. He’s gotta share it, sure, but that’s fine.

"Oh, definitely. It's way different." Ethan said, then thought about how to go about describing a human to a pony. It was much harder than he thought. "Well, you walk on two legs, first of all. And you have these weird thingies on the ends of your front hooves called 'fingers'. They help you grab stuff easier, but they look weird."

eznpony: "And you do all these evil things with them all the time because of your dirty, wicked human nature!"

"I'd like to see a human close up. They must be a might big in person..." Apple Bloom said.

Vimbert: Twilight has some “reference materials” you should consult on that.

"Compared to ponies, yeah. I'm probably about half the height I was when I was a human."
"They must be pretty darn big then." She said, clearly intimidated.
Applejack trotted up next to her little sister. "I'm sorry, is my sis botherin' ya, Ethan?"
"No, no, not at all. I'm enjoying myself."

Pemberton: Because the implication "I'm enjoying myself with your little sister" isn't creepy in the slightest.

Ethan replied.
"We're here, everypony!" Twilight called out from the front of the nine-pony cavalcade.

This entrance was different from the entrance they had used to look for Barry. Gone are the wide, spacious pathways of the main forest entryway, and the group was greeted by a slightly more tangled path to the temple. Instead of dirt and sand, the ponies were trotting on the forest floor, riddled with tangled grass and tree roots poking up at any chance they get, tripping up the non-fliers quite a few times. Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, and Ethan flew above the pack, but not too high, so they don't leave anypony behind. Rainbow had insisted on attempting to look above the trees to find the temple from above, but was only greeted with a dark cloud of smog, which blanketed the forest in a neverending night.
"It's a concentrated magical force field." Twilight explained to the others, "It's also the reason the plants and animals behave so strangely here."
"Well, it's not so strange to Ethan and I."

eznpony: "Earth's got magical dark forcefields everywhere!"

Barry pointed out, "Plants always grow, and animals most of the time live on their own. The only animals we keep as pets are dogs and cats. Oh, and birds...and hamsters..."
As Barry continued rattling off the names of the aisles of the local pet shop,

Nuke.equestria: Prattling on like the idiot he was.

the group pressed on through the forest. Yet again, no dangerous creatures seemed to cross their path, and if any were seen, they ignored the group, and went about their business quietly.

eznpony: Except for the manticore stockbroker, who was shouting "SELL! SELL!" quite loudly.

Ethan had never thought he'd see a manticore in person, let alone one that just sheepishly walked across the path, not noticing the tasty ponies trotting out in the open.

soFreeKey: You monster! Manticores are vegans!

After crossing a wide, but shallow river, the ponies came across an old temple. Automatically assuming this was what they were looking for, Ethan inspected the ancient structure as he entered it with the others. The interior seemed just like the rest of the forest,

Vimbert: except not, because it was a BUILDING.

mostly because the plantlife has made a home out of some of the less-traveled rooms

eznpony: The plants were big on Robert Frost.

, riddling former bedrooms with overgrown vines and trees. The main room upstairs consisted of six glowing gems of different shapes, each color-coded and sitting on a large, out-of-reach pedestal.

Vimbert: That's all the room consists of? No walls, floors, or ceiling? That's a crappy room.

Barry, Twilight and her friends seemed to recognize the gems

eznpony: Barry and Twi go all the way back to the pilot! Man, his jewfro SOLD Friendship is Magic to me.

, but Ethan and Apple Bloom were clueless.
"Here we are, everypony." Twilight announced after gazing at the gems, and capturing the group's attention. "We need to inspect every room we can, but be careful. This temple wasn't built yesterday. Remember, we're looking for an old spell book."

Nuke.equestria: Any old book will do.
eznpony: One spell is as good as any other. Wouldn’t want to be spellist!

"Just think of an older version of any book Twilight would read." Spike explained, semi-jokingly. "Full of pictures and cool shapes and stuff."

Vimbert: And art. Lots of modern art.

"...right. We'll meet back here in an hour."
"BREAK!!" Pinkie belted out, like a football player before the big game,

Anon13: Ponies know football?
eznpony: To be fair, this is Pinkie.

and with that, the ponies split up. Applejack, Apple Bloom, and Rainbow Dash went down the east hallway; Fluttershy, Twilight, and Rarity went down the west wing, and Ethan, Barry, Pinkie Pie, and Spike went downstairs.

"Thanks for letting me come with you guys. I was getting kind of tired of sticking to Twilight all day."

Anon13: Arrgh! Too... damn... easy!

Spike said to the three as they walked down the long stairway a second time.
"No probs, Spike."

Pemberton: "Thanks, Ethan! Hey, could you do me another favor and never say that again?"

Ethan replied calmly, "You need to hang out with us more often. Us guys gotta stick together."

eznpony: "Isn't that right, Barry?" Ethan said through gritted teeth.
Nuke.equestria: Barry didn't notice as he was still listing off every single animal that could be a pet.

"Yeah!" Pinkie shouted from the back of the pack, cuing strange looks all around, then a huge laugh from them all that echoed through the cavernous hallway. Eventually, the gang went into the biggest, easiest-to-navigate room, and began to turn it upside down.

eznpony: "Hnnnnng. Yo Pinkie, a little help with this wall, please!"

Oddly enough, it was the pantry.

eznpony: Yeah... no.

"Why would they need a pantry in a temple?" Spike asked the others.
"I thought you knew, Spike!" Barry replied from the other side of the room, laughing as he looked in a closet.

Nuke.equestria: That stuff in that closet, hilarious.
eznpony: I find Barry and Ethan rather more sad than hilarious, personally.

"Maybe the pony-monks get hungry, and go down here to bake their pineapple upside-down cake!" Pinkie chirped, licking her lips at the thought of the treat.
Then they heard a thud.

Vimbert: "WHY WON'T YOU DIE?"

It shook the temple, sending a few things in other rooms falling, and a table had almost collapsed underneath Spike, who was looking in a bread box.

eznpony: “Nope, that thud didn't come from in here."

"D-did you guys hear that bump?" Spike stammered.
"How that bump made me jump!"

eznpony: What?
Anon13: Author channeling Dr. Seuss.

Pinkie replied, apparently not phased at all by the sudden noise.
"Let's go check it out." Ethan said, with a sudden confidence that even surprised himself. The gang began to run down the hall.
"HEY!" Spike called out to Ethan before he left the room, "A little help?"
"Oh. Sure, buddy." Ethan said, allowing Spike to hop on his back. The extra weight was a little hard

eznpony: “Oh, Spike!”
Anon13: I told you, it's not a clopfic!
eznpony: The implications are still there.

to get used to, but he eventually caught up with Pinkie and Barry outside.

Scarily, nobody else was outside but the four of them. It was as if they were the only ones that heard the noise, but none of them could deny that it was a real thud.

Vimbert: Not one of those “poser” thuds.
Moving objects and crumbling temple does not a fake noise make.
"What made that noise? It was coming from out here..." Spike questioned, but soon got his answer. A pitch-black unicorn with fire-truck red

Vimbert: It's official: no matter what else this character does, I cannot take him or her seriously just because of that description.
Pemberton: Hey, this is a serious villain; not as tough as the Reese's peanut butter cup orange-colored alicorn that comes later, but still.

eyes came out from the shadows of the edge of the forest, and shot a spark of magic at the dragon, sending him to the ground a few feet away.
"Ethan and Pinkie Pie, go tend to Spike! I'll fend this thing off." Barry shouted, trying his best to sound like an action hero. Using his newly-taught magic, Barry shot off three medium-sized fireballs, which the black pony dodged seamlessly.

Nuke.equestria: I dodge with seams.
eznpony: It lends your actions that raw authenticity that’s so hard to come by these days.

The shadow-pony fired back with a purple lightning spell. It looked painless

eznpony: Makes sense.
Anon13: because we all know lightning just tickles.

, but Barry dodged it anyway, not letting his guard down yet.
Ethan got to Spike first, with Pinkie following close behind. The dragon sat up on his feet, massaging a burn mark on the side of his head.
"Omigosh! Are you okay, Spikey?" Pinkie said, in a concerned manner, but still retaining her Pinkie-ness.

eznpony: Masterful characterization right here.

"Yeah, yeah. I just feel like I was kicked really hard in the head--OUCH!" Spike yelped in pain as he tried to stand, and sat back down on the ground.
"Just stay here and rest your head..." Ethan said, spacing out a little watching his best friend fight the dark pony.
Suddenly, as he was about to slip back into reality,

Nuke.equestria: Now, we wouldn't want that.

Ethan felt something on his head. It hurt, but only a little. It felt like a human hand was grabbing onto his forehead, and giving him the Vulcan "mind-meld" from Star Trek.

eznpony: He squeed in fanboyish glee and whipped out his autograph book.

He couldn't move, but he could see the source of the "grabbing" was the dark pony, who had cast a purple lightning spell directed at him.

eznpony: Not the other dark pony, of course.

Everything went in slow motion, and eventually, Ethan passed out. He didn't feel himself hit the cold forest floor, though. He felt soft, wet grass, and a cool summer breeze...

eznpony: It’s over? I was looking forward to seeing that orange Reese's peanut butter cup-colored pony.
eznpony: Tsk, tsk, killing the digital rainforests.
Anon13: Well, several pages of this would be better than the actual story.

Chapter 11 - Where the Heart Isn't

"WEE! This swing is fun!"
"Pinkie, cut it out! I'm trying to wake up Ethan!"
"But it can fit two! Spike, come swing with me!"
"Not now, Pinkie...ouch..."

Ethan opened his eyes. Barry was looking right at him, and flashed a smile as soon as he woke up.
"Good morning, sunshine."
"Wh..where ar' wee?" Ethan mumbled, still very dazed from the spell.
"Oh, I think you know..."

eznpony: "You DO love me after all! Have we eloped?"

Slowly getting up on all fours, Ethan looked around. They were in a fenced-off grassy area, with a massive tree covering the immediate area with it's branches. Turning around, Ethan saw a two-story, sky-blue house, and a concrete patio with the swing that Pinkie Pie was on. Widening his eyes at the immediate sight, Ethan looked at Barry in disbelief.
They were in Ethan's backyard.
"WHAT?! H-how?! When? Why?" Ethan babbled in distress, clinging for an answer somewhere.
"Woah, woah...eeeasy there, cowboy." Barry said, soothing the savage, confused beast. “Spike and I have it all figured out.”
The dragon stood up and walked to the panicked pony, clearing his throat. "That black pony Barry was fighting cast a 'Memory Transportation Spell', which brought us to the first location you thought of when he cast it.

eznpony: Where can I get me one of those?

Um, Ethan, what were you thinking at the time?"
"Well, I was watching Barry battle the shadow-unicorn, and I thought about how far we've gone.

Anon13: Because it's always good to indulge in a little reminiscing when you're FIGHTING FOR YOUR LIFE.

And I remembered when we used to play in my backyard all the time as kids. I guess that explains why we're here now."
"Aww, that's adorable!"

eznpony: "You weren't even scared for your friend! You're shaping up to be quite the psychopath, young pony!"
vimbert: "It's like you used to be one of those filthy humans or something!"

Pinkie said, getting off the swing and bouncing over to the group.
"So, what do we do now?" Barry asked, turning to his friend.
"We should look around. Find a way back to Equestria. But, let's go inside first. We all need some rest."

eznpony: "It's not like our friends are worried about us or anything!"

"Good idea. If the rest of the gang in the forest didn't find the book, then they would be looking for us." Barry replied.
"And I'm sure Twi and Rarity can fend off the shadow-pony, if they run into it." Spike added. "They're much more experienced in magic than Barry. Er, no offense."
"None taken. Let's go inside."
After a quick tour of the house, Ethan sent the others to bed. Pinkie slept on the couch in the basement, Barry and Spike slept on the couches in the living room, and Ethan slept in his old bed. Barry fell asleep the second he touched the couch, but thankfully, Spike was there to help open doors for the finger-impaired.

Pemberton: SLOW DOWN THERE, SPIKE. OPENING DOORS IS BARRY'S JOB.

Ethan fell into his bed, and fell right to sleep.

He was all alone in a snowy field. The night was cloudy, but it wasn't too cold. Suddenly, a yellow pony with a blue snout popped up from under the snow and looked at him. Ethan tried to interact

eznpony: That is not a recognized verb. Please enter a different command
Nuke.equestria: "Open pony's mouth." The pony bites your hand. Ouch!

, but the pony simply popped back down the hole, like a gopher. Soon, the pony was popping up all over the place, making Ethan laugh so hard he fell to the ground. Before getting up again, the pony finally came out from its holes and trotted up to the human looking at it. Next thing Ethan knew he was face-to-face with this strange pony, both not blinking. The pony opened its mouth to speak.
"You're a strange one, aren't you?"

"WAKE UUUP! WAKE UP, EVERYBODY!"

eznpony: Aww, I was just dreaming about this being a better fic!

Pinkie's shrieking sent the others flying out of their beds and onto the floor. After some grogginess, despite only having been asleep for a couple of hours, the group finally got back outside and sat in the front yard. The weather was as cloudy and humid as it had been earlier, but it was getting noticeably darker.
"That's, uh, quite the dream, Ethan." Barry said to him, as he finished recounting the vision to the others.

eznpony: "I'm glad it wasn't about me this time."

"I should tell Twilight about it. She always likes these kinds of dreams." Spike suggested.
"Maybe the yellow pony just wanted to build a snowpony with you!

Anon13: Is that a euphemism?
eznpony: Remove “snow”.

I know I'd build a snowpony if I had that much snow!" Pinkie said.
"Er, while that does sound like fun, I think we need to find something to do right now." Ethan said, "We need to find a way to get back to Ponyville, and fast."
"But how can we get to Equestria?" Spike asked. "It's thousands of miles away, and the barrier is soon to be under attack by those Liberation Front cronies!"
"...The Bureau!" Barry shouted out of nowhere

eznpony: Twilight had taught him some quantum ventriloquism magic.

, "We can go to the Conversion Bureau and get them to transport us there! They do it to the new ponies all the time!"
"Well, yeah, but how do we get there without my car?" Ethan added, indicating his hooves, "I can't possibly drive it with these things, and I think Spike here would need a booster seat to get to the drivers seat, let alone drive the dang thing."
"Yeah, I don't think I can operate one of those things. Way to big and metal. Pretty...scary lookin'." Spike said, looking at the beat-up car in the driveway.
Ethan turned to Barry, and Barry turned to Ethan. "Who do we know that can drive?"
After a short pause, they both came up with the answer at the same time.
"Jimmy."
"Jimmy?" Spike asked.
"Yeah. It's a long shot, since he's not a big fan of us ponies, and I quote, 'trotting around like they own the place'."

Pemberton: Which may or may not have something to do with the way we constantly spit on and degrade humanity.
eznpony: Nah, I think it’s just in his spiteful human nature.

"He doesn't understand our motives, but he can drive." Ethan said, thinking while he talked, "I'm sure he'll understand if we talk to him a little."

eznpony: People usually do in these situations.

Barry gave Ethan a look

vimbert: that screamed "Take me, you magnificent beast", but they had a job to do.

, and Ethan corrected himself. "Okay, if we talk to him a lot. He's pretty stubborn."

eznpony: But he'll see the light eventually.

"Let's go to his house already! I'm getting excited!" Pinkie barked.

Jimmy's house was a little bigger than Ethan's, but it only had one floor, and a garage. The muffled sound of guitar shredding

Nuke.equestria: I love those combination guitar/paper shredders.
eznpony: So useful for getting rid of all those guitars that are always cluttering up the place.

came from an open window, which Pinkie heard and began miming holding a guitar and playing it. Ethan nervously walked up the path to the doorway, with the others following, just as nervous.

Vimbert: Can you feel the intensity? No? Oh good, I was worried it was just me.

"Remember, everyone. Play it cool."

Anon13: Try not to be a total pony when talking to the blatant speciesist.

Barry whispered from behind Ethan, "Don't make it seem like we're going to the land of sunshine and rainbows to save magical talking horses."

eznpony: Yeah, pretend it’s a land of darkness and pain, and you’re saving wicked metal hoofbeasts.

"...but we are. In fact, we're doing exactly what you just said.” Spike said blankly.
“Yeah, but I don’t want him to know that. He’s a little...apprehensive about our kind.”
“Hey! What do you mean, ‘our kind’?” Pinkie jokingly added,

Nuke.equestria: “You’re not one of us.”
eznpony: “I meant closet homosexuals.”

before being viciously shushed by the other three.
Spike hopped onto Ethan’s back and rang the doorbell. The second the ‘DING-DONG’ rang through the house, the shredding ceased, and footsteps drew closer and closer to the door.
If Ethan were human, Jimmy would be a little shorter than him. He sported a pair of glasses, and a few pimples on his face. His hair was in a jew-fro similar to Barry’s,

Pemberton: For those of you who are uneducated, the jew-fro is a staple of human culture and is not to be taken lightly.
Vimbert: Just like the Runza.

but shorter and black. He was a little pudgy around the midsection, but could still get away with being ‘svelte’. He wore basketball shorts, and a baggy band shirt with an incomprehensible metal band’s name on it, and a gruesome picture of a monkey cutting its head open with a scalpel.
Jimmy looked down at the ponies (and dragon), all a little intimidated,

eznpony: By his tough guy jewfro, no doubt.

with Ethan and Barry the only ones fake-smiling. He let out a heavy sigh.
“You have got to be kidding me.”

eznpony: That’s what I told the author after I read this fic!

DIDJA MISS ME?
STAY TUNED FOR PART 5 - COMING SOONER

eznpony: LIES. Sweet, beautiful lies.
Pemberton: So what if I write a terrible story and upload it to EqD? Do I get a hivemind fanbase and multiple threads in my honor, too?
Vimbert: I think a certain alicorn-centric story which shall not be named beat you to the punch.
Pemberton: God DAMN IT.
Anon13: "Dear Princess Celestia: Today I learned, friends don't let friends write drunk."

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