The tension broken, the group returned to their places around the table.

"Well, I think we had some very nice talks tonight about, um. Fucking," Fluttershy said.

Rarity pressed a pastern to her forehead. "Great stars. Rainbow's language is contagious."

"I wish it were, Rary," Dash said. "You need to loosen up. You're never going to fit a stallion's cock up your ass while you've got that stick lodged there."

Rarity rolled her eyes. "Now there's the Rainbow Dash we all know and tolerate. How many more spells until she's sober, Twilight?"

"I'm feeling a lot more clear-headed, actually." Dash grinned. "You're just so much fun to tweak."

"Speaking of fun," Twilight interrupted, shifting uncomfortably, "I think Fluttershy was right. We were having a great time earlier answering Dash's question, weren't we? Maybe we could talk about that again."

"Why, Twilight," Rarity said, "thank you for your noble efforts to protect me from Rainbow's fountain of unrefined crudity — wholly unnecessary though they are. My dignity is a fortress like unto the gleaming walls of Canterlot. This little barbarian is digging a mud pit outside and pretending that she is crossing the moat."

"That's the spirit, princess froo-froo."

Applejack chuckled. "As much fun as it is having a front seat to your siege warfare … Twilight does bring up an interestin' point. Namely, we were all gonna hear about whether she'd rut Princess Celestia back before Dash got worked up."

Twilight blinked. Her muzzle spread into a half-grin, half-grimace. "I … walked right into that one, didn't I?"

"Yeppers!" Pinkie said. "So spill!"

"Um," Twilight stalled, heat rising back to her cheeks.

"You know," Dash observed, "I think she might actually not. Look at her face. Anypony who has to think that hard about such an ultimate specimen of marehood clearly has some other things going on."

"Plus what she said earlier about the Moona Lisa," Applejack added.

"That's actually kinda cool," Dash said, smiling. "I mean, finding somepony who wouldn't do Celestia. I bet even ol' Rary here would fuck her without thinking twice."

"If the Living Sun herself did me the honor of requesting I save Equestria by making love to her? I couldn't possibly imagine such a situation outside of your twisted hypothetical mind, Rainbow, but you are correct."

"Really?" Twilight stammered. "Is that the question? If she asked me?"

"Would it make a difference?"

"Somehow it does seem more likely," Applejack mused. "I mean, in a 'my faithful student, I gotta ask ya something, desperate times for desperate measures' kinda way."

"Well, of course, I couldn't refuse any request from the Princess," Twilight said, relieved.

"Oh," Dash said.

"'Oh'?"

Dash shrugged and sat up. "No offense, Twi, but Pinkie was right. It's more interesting talking about the ponies we wouldn't fuck. Otherwise it's just like —" she waved a hoof in the air — "'Oh, Spitfire, squee, she's so hot, would you do her?' 'Yes, 'cause she's so hot!' 'Well, I'm glad that's decided!' At that point saving the world is just an excuse."

"Yeah, but saving the world is such a big thing I'm beginning to think Pinkie's got the right idea," Twilight countered. "Take out the obvious ones like foals and family members and it's just about, 'is this pony so gross that I'd let Equestria get destroyed rather than rut them?' There really isn't anypony who's that bad."

"That sounds like a challenge," Dash said, putting her forehooves together and cracking her pastern joints.

"Uh-huh," Twilight said dubiously.

"The Great and Powerful Trixie."

"Pffft. Come on, Dash. Insufferable as she was when she came to town for that show, I pity her, not hate her."

"Yeah, but you just know she'd spend the entire rest of her life bragging about how she had saved the world, singlehoofedly, by conquering the Element of Magic. Within weeks the entire nation would be laughing behind your back at how 'painfully vanilla' you … um, I mean, your friend … is. You'd have to live with that forever."

Twilight's eyelid twitched. "Yeah, well," she said, voice level. "You know what? If that's the price of saving the world, I guess I'd take it. Besides, she's harmless. Nopony would take her seriously."

"Prince Blueblood, then," AJ interjected.

Rarity winced. "Oh, Applejack. Must you?"

"Sorry, Rares. I ain't trying to pick on you, I really ain't. But think about it. He's like Trixie times a hundred — a pile'a manure without any better qualities. He'd take all the credit after, and since he's royalty everypony would take him serious. Even worse —" she leaned forward — "I reckon he'd be a lousy rut."

Twilight grimaced. "Yeah. Ew. But … to save the world? I'd do it. I'd hate myself, but I'd do it."

"I believe there would only be one appropriate response to that scenario," Rarity said evenly. "If I might humbly quote the words of a learnéd sage —" she cleared her throat and spoke with artificial roughness — "I'd do that thunderfucking prat, and the instant I was done I'd buck him in the face."

"Whoo!" Dash yelled, eyes lighting up, stamping her hinds on the floor. The others joined in for a round of applause.

"That, Rare?" Applejack said, laughing. "That was beautiful."

"I'm glad I wasn't drinking," Twilight said.

"Oooooh," Pinkie said, giving Rarity a manic grin. "I might have to extend the swears-for-kisses rule."

Rarity smiled back sweetly. "No thank you, darling."

Fluttershy — who had been waiting with an open-mouthed smile for a chance to speak — widened her eyes at that exchange, smile wavering. She swallowed, then hazarded, "Um, Pinkie, if that's okay with you, I think maybe you should anyway?"

"Nopers!" Pinkie said cheerfully. "She doesn't want to, so we won't, and that just means we'll find other games to play where everypony has fun!"

"Oh," Fluttershy said, backing away to the side table. "Okay." She glanced around it for supplies.

"Geez, so even Blueblood, huh?" Dash said, tapping a hoof to her chin. Her eyes lit up. "Okay. Try this one on. Discord."

Rarity raised an eyebrow. "Discord … which is to say, entombed-in-a-statue-for-another-thousand-years Discord?"

"Considering your ladyboner for huge chunks of rock," Dash said with a sly grin, "I guess the answer would be easy for you, huh."

Rarity's eyes narrowed. "Ha, ha. I was merely attempting to point out that, were Discord to be released a second time from his imprisonment, I should think we would have larger issues to deal with."

Applejack's face twisted up in disgust. "No we wouldn't — we're talking about ruttin' to save the world. Haybales, considerin' the way Discord works, if he did get out I reckon this is the most likely question anypony's asked all night."

"That is a scary question," Twilight said. "I presume by the nature of the question that the Elements of Harmony have already been ruled out." She frowned. "I don't know that we could trust him."

"If it's just one of his tricks, then you can say no with a clear conscience," Dash said. "Boring. So let's say we know somehow it's on the level. Celestia vouches for him, or there's some ancient prophecy, or something."

"Ugh," Twilight said, shifting to cross her hinds. "Well … at least there's saving the world. There's that."

"And all you have to do is let him tap you," Dash said, a grin spreading across her muzzle as she watched Twilight squirm. "Let him blow a full load of dragon spunk —"

"For heavens' sakes, Dash!" Rarity said.

"Feel all the little Discordlets swimming through your insides —"

"Dash," Applejack interrupted firmly, "you can stop right there."

"I don't care how painful the Stone Cold Sober charm is, Twilight," Rarity muttered. "Please feel free to cast it on her … oh, now."

"I would do it," Fluttershy said. "For Equestria."

The others turned to where she was standing at the side table, the jug of salt water and the last dregs of the moonshine close at hoof, holding a shotglass full of golden liquid.

"He's not so scary," Fluttershy continued. "I think he was really just lonely. If he escaped his statue and wanted to … to fuck me … maybe doing it would show him that he doesn't have to be so mean to everypony just to be liked."

"I'd do him, too!" Pinkie chimed in. "He was the most fun bad guy we ever defeated. He was all about fun." She sighed dreamily. "I would do him in a second. He would be the best at rutting ever."

Rarity's face widened into a comical grimace. "Twilight," she said tightly. "I stand corrected. It's not a sobriety spell we need, it's an 'erase this entire conversation from our brains and let us never speak of it again' spell."

"I don't think such a thing exists," Twilight said, matching Rarity's expression. She levitated her half-full mug over, drained it, and slammed it down on the side table. "Starting tomorrow, I will take it as a personal mission to invent whatever new school of magic will allow me to create one."

Dash giggled. "Well, until then, will you at least tell us whether you'd fuck him?"

"If I ain't interrupting," Applejack said, waggling a hoof, "lemme be the first to say no. Honestly, even if somepony else was the one makin' the promise about saving Equestria, I just couldn't trust him. Folks like him, even if they're tellin' the complete truth, got a way of twisting it around. Maybe it saves Equestria that one time, but who's ta say what the ruttin' would do after? Maybe it lets him take over my brain, or breaks my link to my Element, and then the next time Equestria's in trouble I ain't there to help." She crossed her fores decisively. "Sorry, but if it came down to that, I'd just find some other way."

Twilight bit her lip. "Ugh. I don't know. That's a good point, but … I think I still would. I'd have to. A guarantee of saving the world just means too much." She sighed. "I'd feel like I was making a bad decision. I'm sure I'd regret it. But I'd have to try."

Rarity shook her head. "I will disagree, in the strongest possible terms. To give in to base rutting with Discord … Discord, of all foes … would go against every principle of love which I believe. It would be such a gross violation of sanctity of the act that I fail utterly to see how there could be any redemptive power in it. If it were somehow to, quote, 'save', end quote, Equestria, then the world which it saves would not be one worth redeeming."

"Huh," Twilight said. "So that's four to two. You're right, Rainbow, that was morbidly fascinating, to disagree like that."

"Four to …?" Dash said, raising an eyebrow. "Wait, you think I'd do him?"

"You … wouldn't?" Twilight said.

"Oh, fuck no. I'm with Rary on this one." Dash smirked. "Like she said, gross. Come on, you'd seriously let him stuff you with little Discordlets? I'd find some other way to kick his butt."

"I must say, Rainbow," Rarity muttered, "it is no easy task to transform even agreeing with you into such a degrading act, but somehow, you have done it."

Applejack walked back over to the table, took her mug of cider in both hooves, and straddled her chair, leaning her chest against its back. "I don't know whether Dash and Rare agreeing shocks me more, or the fact that even Discord half of us would see fit to rut. Ain't there anybody that all of us can agree goes too far?"

"Given Pinkie Pie's philosophy," Twilight said, "I wouldn't hold out much hope for that."

"The dictionary makers might have to come up with a whole new word for her," Dash said. "Like, Pinkiesexual."

"Omnisexual," Pinkie and Twilight chorused. "But that works too!" Pinkie added.

"Everypony but Pinkie, then," Applejack said.

"Queen Chrysalis," Twilight said without hesitation.

"I'm afraid not," Rarity said just as decisively.

"Rarity?" Twilight asked, her muzzle dropping open. "What. You? After what she did to my brother?"

"Ooooh," Dash said. "This I've gotta hear."

Rarity levitated her mug of cider over from the main table and sipped delicately. "I would not dare to fault you for taking her attack personally, Twilight," she said, "but before judging the rest of us please do attempt to consider the matter objectively. The changeling queen feeds on love, yes?" She tilted her head. "True love. She, more than any other villain we have ever faced — more than any pony in this room, perhaps even more than Celestia herself — understands the power of love. If she were to desire to make love to me, and our efforts were to save the world … it would be the most consummate expression of that power that the world should ever be witness to. It would be like — no, beyond — the bliss and unity we felt while activating the Elements of Harmony. To say no to that would be madness."

"She'd …" Twilight was speechless. "She'd feed on that love! Feed on you!"

"And you would walk away having saved the world," Rarity said, tilting her mug to check the liquid level. "Who gets the better end of that bargain?"

"Yeah, you know, Twi, I'd do it too," Dash said. "She could be anypony you wanted. If there's a single pony in the world that you'd fuck to save it, you've got her. I really don't see the downside."

"You'd …" Twilight trailed off, staring at Dash pleadingly. She suddenly whipped her head away, gritting her teeth. "I don't believe this. I don't believe I'm hearing this."

"Twilight," Rarity said, touching a hoof lightly to her shoulder, "please."

Twilight took a tightly controlled breath. "I'm sorry. I just wasn't expecting my friends to … this is freaking me out a little." She levitated her chair over to her spot near the couch, sat heavily, and let out a long sigh. "I … actually, I think I need to hear this. What about the rest of you? Is it just me? Am I overreacting?"

"I'd rut her too," Applejack said. "I'm sorry if it hurts to hear, Twi, but like Dash said, if we're in a position where we have a choice an' yes saves the world, I'm havin' a hard time figurin' what would be so bad." She swallowed some cider. "At the weddin' none of us got a choice, what with her invading Equestria an' all."

Twilight nodded. "Yeah. That's fair, I guess. And of course Pinkie would …"

The others followed Twilight's gaze as she trailed off. Pinkie was sitting on the arm of the couch, staring into space, curiously subdued.

"Pinkie?"

The earth pony glanced at Twilight, eyes widening in wonder. "Ohmigosh. Twilight. I just realized something … Rarity was right."

"About?" Rarity asked.

"There is somepony I wouldn't do!" Pinkie said, voice hushed. "I thought about it and thought about it, but I wouldn't actually rut Queenie Meanie. Because, ew."

"Pinkie," Dash said, raising her eyebrows, "could you say that again when I'm halfway through a drink? Because, um, seriously?"

Pinkie shoved a mug of moonshine into Dash's hooves from out of nowhere. "Okay!"

Dash blinked and lowered the mug. "Figure of speech, balloons. But seriously! You'd do every pony in the world, but not the thing that could turn into any of them? I don't get it."

Pinkie fidgeted. "Dashie … it didn't matter what she zapped herself into, 'cause I know what she actually looks like, and I wouldn't be able to rut with her without thinking …" Her body twitched. "She's all full of holes in places where holes aren't supposed to be, and that just gives me the jibblie-wibblies, and I wouldn't even be able to touch her mare bits without thinking of mare bits with holes in them and what if she turned into a stallion and I had to have something with holes going inside me and —" Pinkie let out a burp, eyes unfocusing, face flushing pale red. "Oooooh. I can't think about it any more. It's making my stomach go all upside down …"

At the side table, Fluttershy stared into her shotglass, scrunched up her mouth, downed the Liquid Courage in a single gulp, and walked forward. "There, there," she soothed, pulling Pinkie into a hug from behind, curling a wing gently around her, stroking a hoof through her puffy mane. "It's okay, Pinkie. You don't have to think about scary mare parts. She doesn't have any holes in her bits."

"Yeah," Twilight said, glancing behind her and pulling a book off the wall. "That wouldn't make any biological sense."

Pinkie blinked, refocusing on her friend's gentle touch. She smiled and leaned back into the hug. "Aww, thanks, Fluttershy. You're good at calming jibblies."

"Am I?" Fluttershy said, a light blush shading her cheeks to match her hair. "Thank you. I … I like making my friends feel better."

Pinkie wriggled, rotating to bring the hug face-to-face with Fluttershy, and rubbed her nose to the pegasus', face crinkling into a smile. "So what about you? Would you do her?"

Fluttershy smiled, rubbing a rear hoof against the side of the sofa, wings quivering, taking short little breaths as she stared down her nose straight into Pinkie's eyes. "I … squeak." She opened and closed her mouth, swallowing, recovering her voice. "I would … would, fuck … Chrysalis."

Pinkie beamed at Fluttershy. "Awww! That's super sweet of you."

"Um," Fluttershy said, her smile growing brittle, cheeks' color deepening to crimson.

"Well," Applejack said, "That makes four —"

"Again," Fluttershy blurted out. "I mean."

"Pfffbtbttt!" Dash doubled over, coughing up moonshine, half-full mug splashing to the floor.

Even the clock in the kitchen seemed to stop ticking for several moments, leaving just the staccato of Dash's coughs to break the silence.

The book in Twilight's horngrip slowly closed. "What."