Dear Princess Celestia,

Sorry if the arrival of this letter wakes you, but this is very urgent. Earlier this evening, there was an explosion in the Everfree Forest. Naturally, the other Element Bearers and I went to investigate, because really, is anypony else going to? Sometimes I think that we’re the only ponies in this town who get anything done.

Regardless, long story short, we found that the source of the explosion: a unicorn stallion scientist by the name of Doctor Insano. He said that the explosion was caused by one of his teleportation experiments gone awry. The concept fascinates me, to be honest. Unicorns can learn teleportation spells, of course, but what if it could be done through machines like he claims it can? It would revolutionize travel and communication as we know it!

Sorry, rambling again. Anyway, this Insano stallion claimed to be from the desert, so I assumed he was from the south. He was pretty tight lipped about the specifics of his origins, however, like what city he’s from or his birthday. He also speaks in this odd dialect; it’s hard to put into words. The most glaring thing I’ve noticed is that he pronounces the B-word with an F. At least, I assume that’s what he’s trying to say; “fuck” and “fucking” are nonsense words otherwise. Regardless, not only is he supremely suspicious, but he shows signs of both megalomania and regular mania, along with a willingness to kill if given provocation.

All of that would be cause for concern on its own. However, he is apparently an avid inventor, and his technology is unlike anything I have ever seen before. For one, he wears a pair of odd goggles that not only shoots something that he calls a death ray (I’ve seen it in action, and it does as the name suggests) but also hook into his nervous system and allow him to see. He is apparently totally blind naturally, you see. He also has an anti-magic field generator the size of a grapefruit that floats without any readily apparent means of propulsion, and a device which detects and measures homosexuality. He can also store his inventions through means I have yet to discern. He just looks at them, they disassemble before his eyes, and the parts just vanish into thin air.

It may sound crazy, but I swear to you every word of this is true. His inventions are so advanced that they don’t obey the laws of physics or logic as we know them. I don’t know who he is, but I think he may be a very serious threat. I’ve never heard of this colt before; if you have, please provide me any information on him that you have. I have a feeling our lives are about to get a little more insane.

Your faithful student,

Twilight Sparkle

P.S.: Spike here. She left this out of the letter, but she totally came to terms with the fact that she’s a filly fooler tonight. This gaydar thing that this Insano guy invented apparently picked her out and forced her to confess in front of all her friends. Tell Princess Luna that she owes us both a hundred bits, each.

It was dark. Of course it was dark – Insano was motherfucking blind. His other senses worked, though, and at much higher capacity than they naturally would thanks to his implants. He could hear footsteps going through the hall outside, or hoofsteps, he supposed, given the planet’s dominant species. He could smell cleaning products and copious amounts of disinfectant. He took small comfort in the fact the stench of death wasn’t in the mix. He could feel his restraints digging into where his ankles and wrists should have been, and tightly wound gauze around his head. None of it got his mind off of the fact he couldn’t see.

The darkness felt familiar, like he had come home. But “home” was a four letter word, and he treated it as such. He hated it. He never wanted to go back there again. Yet there he was, trapped in the cloying void without light or color. Trapped behind his own useless, broken eyes.

The scientist snarled and struggled against his bonds, only to get the same result he’d gotten on every other attempt: jack shit.

“Goddamn harlots,” he cursed to himself. “I’ll pour cleaning products down their fucking throats until they belch fumes out both ends from the chemical reactions.”

His eyes twitched behind their gauze coverings with every tick and tock of the clock. Every one was a grain of sand slipping through his grasp, a single second gone that he could have been spending doing something productive, or at the very least entertainingly destructive.

“Now now, Insano, calm down,” he coaxed himself. “How to pass the time… I guess I could review the facts so far. Fact number one: I’m apparently now a motherfucking unicorn.” He sighed and banged the back of his head against his pillow. “This list is off to a great start.”

He shook his head and continued. “Fact number two: This world’s dominant sentient species is equine in nature. Three varieties seen thus far: normal equines, pegasi, and unicorns. Fact number three: Unicorns can use magic. Conclusion drawn from facts one and three: I should also be able to cast magic.”

He paused and closed his eyes, taking in a deep breath. He organized the insanity in his mind into the most dangerous thing a psychopath could possibly have: focus. The madness didn’t cease to be madness; he just directed the cacophony into a discordant symphony of tamed chaos. He felt a tingling in his horn, and heard the same soft humming he heard coming from the purple unicorn mare’s horn when she used her levitation ability. He was quickly drained, though; the tingling faded away and the humming died, leaving him breathless.

“Apparently these powers are like a muscle: if not exercised, they will weaken and be more taxing to use,” he panted. “I’ll have to find a way to practice at a later date.”

He let himself rest for a few moments to catch his breath before continuing to think aloud. “Fact number four: I am in some village called Ponyville. Conclusion: the founders had the imaginations of soggy cardboard, and I doubt their descendents are much better. Fact number five: inhabitants refer to someone called ‘Celestia’ in the place where someone like me would use God. Fact number six: this Celestia is also apparently a princess. Conclusion drawn from facts five and six: they worship this Princess Celestia as a deity of some sort. Further conclusion: this nation, whatever it is, is ruled by a theocratic monarchy to some capacity. Pfeh, just my luck I ended up in a country with the single most anti-science form of government imaginable.” He paused as a thought struck him. “Though that doesn’t explain why they would worship the princess and not the queen or king… most unusual; I’ll need to do research later.”

His brainstorming session came to a screeching halt when he heard hoofsteps outside his door right before it opened. “You won’t be doing any research for a few days, I’m afraid,” came the voice of that one mare. Nurse Tenderheart, if he remembered right.

“Give me back my goggles, you bitch,” he snarled, pulling once more against his restraints.

“Do you really think that an attitude like that is going to convince me to give you back your weapons?” she asked as her hoofsteps came next to his bed.

“I don’t give a fuck, flying or otherwise, about my weapons,” he spat. “I just want to see again. I hate the dark. I hate being blind. I hate being fucking defective!”

He pulled harder at his bonds, rattling his gurney as the nurse stood silently by his side. He kept snarling and cursing at her until his rage and his energy ebbed once more, leaving him motionless aside from his panting.

“You are not defective,” Tenderheart said softly, pity obvious in her voice. Pity. Another four letter word.

“I don’t need your fucking pity,” he growled. “You sound like my goddamn mother, both you and your whore of a sister. Fuck, everyone I’ve met today sounds like that useless old hag.”

“How so?” the nurse asked. He heard the soft thump of flesh against tile; apparently she sat down.

“Oh no, you’re not getting me to open up about my feelings or some shit. Take your pity and shove it up your ass.” He spat in her general direction, hoping that it hit her right in the eye.

He heard her foreleg wipe across her face as she said, “Huh, I didn’t think I’d hear that old racial slur against donkeys in this day and age.”

“Racial slur against–” He groaned and banged his head against his pillow. “Of fucking course it is. Why wouldn’t it be?”

Silence fell between the two like a wall. He waited and waited for the soft clack of hooves to signal her departure, but it didn’t come.

“The hell do you want?” he mumbled.

“I was hoping to calm you down a bit, at the very least so you didn’t want to kill anypony anymore,” Tenderheart admitted.

“Well, you did a fan-fucking-tastic job,” he said. “You only made me want to kill you more than ever.”

“Why? Because I brought up your mother?” she asked. “She sounds like a nice mare.”

“My mother was a fucking harpy!” he shrieked. “Always toadying about, telling me that my defect was no big deal and that I was just fine the way I was while at the same time thinking I needed help with goddamn everything. She was a stupid bitch and if there is a hell, I hope her soul is rotting in it.”

“That was a bit foolish of her; you seem very capable,” she said.

“Damn right I am,” Insano scoffed. “I’m a genius. Yet because of these goddamn useless eyes of mine, she always thought I was weak and needed protecting from the big bad world outside. Everyone did.”

“Even your father?” she asked.

“He wasn’t as bad, but he still treated me like I was a fragile little snowflake or some other such shit,” he admitted.

“So you built those goggles to get rid of your defect,” she reasoned.

He chuckled. “Yes, I did. I overcame my defect through the power of my mind and the might of science! I can engineer away any weakness or flaw if I set my mind to it, and one of these days I will achieve perfection.”

“Perfection? That’s a mighty lofty goal, doctor,” she said, her tone impressed instead of condescending like he expected.

“If there’s anyone in this wide, wide universe who will attain it, it sure as hell is going to be me,” he said, a wicked grin crossing his lips.

“I have no doubt of that, Doctor Insano. Now, if you don’t mind, I have other patients to attend to.” The soft clack of hooves on tile started and the door opened since he no longer was waiting of it. He tuned his ears in and heard Tenderheart speaking to somebody else. “I think I’ve calmed him down a bit, sis. He’s all yours.”

“Clever bitch,” he mumbled under his breath as the full weight of what he’d divulged hit him. He couldn’t help but smile a bit, however. “Damn clever.”

The door opened again along with the sound of clacking hooves, though this time it was also accompanied by the sound of wheels. “Well, if it isn’t my favorite troublemaker. Enjoying the sedatives, doctor?” Nurse Redheart asked as she pulled up next to him.

“You’re lucky I’m still weakened, or I’d introduce you to a world where pain is God and I am pope,” he grumbled.

“Yeah, that’s nice,” she dismissed. “I’ve been in contact with hospitals all across Equestria trying to find your medical records, Doctor Insano. And funnily enough, your name doesn’t come up in any of them. I even asked the clinic in Appleoosa, since Miss Sparkle said that you claimed to be from down south, and they’d never heard of you. Don’t you think that’s odd?”

“I never said which desert I was from; that girl just assumed it was the one to the south,” Insano corrected.

“And I must say,” she continued, “it was pretty hard looking for your records when I couldn’t even tell them if you were legally a mare or a stallion.”

“I’m male, you stupid bitch,” he growled.

“See, the clitoris I can plainly see between your legs right now somewhat puts that into doubt,” Redheart deadpanned.

The scientist struggled against his bonds anew, his jaw snapping in the nurse’s general direction as if he had a realistic chance of biting her throat out. “I. Am. A. Man!” he shrieked.

“I see,” she said calmly. “Gender dysphoria. I take it you haven’t seen anypony to get the change done yet?”

“All surgical techniques available are a load of hack job bullshit, quite frankly,” he snarled. “I’ll perform it myself once I can perfect it!”

“No need to be so hostile,” she assured. “Equestrians tend to be very accepting of transsexuals, though I admit female-to-male isn’t that common.”

Insano only gave a scowl in response.

“All the same, no medical records for you anywhere here in Equestria. Not even a birth certificate,” Redheart said. “Quite frankly, doctor, that means you’re an illegal alien.”

“Then give me back my goggles and deport me,” he spat. “Just as long as I get my sight back, I don’t give a damn.”

“Luckily for you, Equestria does not deport aliens,” she explained smugly. “All immigrants, whether they go through the system first or not, are fully allowed to become citizens. However, before I can let you leave this room, I need to get you properly vaccinated to preserve the herd immunity. You’re a doctor, I’m sure you understand.”

The mare clapped her hooves together twice and Insano’s bonds shifted under him. The colt squirmed as he felt himself being lifted up in the air and flipped onto his front. “Wh-what the fuck?!”

“Enchanted gurney,” she said. “Makes it so we don’t have to actually come near problem patients like you to flip them over.” There was a clatter on a metal tray. “Now, hold your pasty plot still; this is going to sting, and we’ve got a lot of shots to get through.”

“I’ll get you back for this!” he snarled as he squirmed against his restraints, which only tightened.

“Oh, don’t be like that,” she cooed. “This’ll hurt me a lot more than it’ll hurt you.”

It didn’t. Next Chapter: Insert Witicism Here, For I Can't Think of One Estimated time remaining: 3 Hours, 24 Minutes