The Wrong Equestria

By Silvertie

From Equestria, with Pears

The alleyway was a quiet, tidy and clean affair. Not like those filthy alleyways you found in places like Manehattan, no sir.

Clean Sweeps, a blue unicorn custodian clad in equally blue coveralls, looked at his work and took appropriate pride in it. A nice, clean alleyway. Not a flagstone out of place, no paint where it shouldn’t be. As befitting of the glorious, moonlit mountain-city that was Canterlot. A thin fog filled the streets, making the night one worthy of Her moon.

A point of pure light appeared before him, hovering in the air, and he blinked. He took a breath, and tasted...

“Pears?” he asked the air. “I like pears.”

There was a flash of light, and two shapes that were definitely not pears materialized before him. He stumbled backwards, and fell over into the street as he struggled to clear his vision.

The two shapes swam into focus, and he blinked.

“By the moon,” he muttered. “Twilight... Sparkle? The Twilight Sparkle?”

A purple unicorn got up, and shook her head. “Ugh. Yes. I am Twilight Sparkle.”

“Wow.” Sweeps patted himself down, and thanked his lucky stars when he found a pencil and paper. “Hey, Miss Sparkle, could you, like, sign this for me? It’d mean a lot to me.”

Twilight shook her head, and looked at him confused. “Uh, okay?”

The unicorn took the proffered pencil and paper, and after squinting at the paper in the light of the moon, scratched out a signature across it. Sweeps seemed on the verge of containing himself.

“It’s so great that you’re signing this,” he enthused. “A signature from a bona-fide national hero! Wow!”

“Uh, you’re welcome?” Twilight seemed confused as she handed the signed paper and pencil back. “Do you want Applejack’s signature as well? She’s probably more famous than me.”

“Apple-who?” Sweeps carefully folded the signature and tucked it away inside his overalls. “What brings you to Canterlot today, Miss Sparkle? Shouldn’t you be in Stalliongrad?”

This got a surprised snort from Twilight as she helped the orange Applejack up. “What? Why in Equestria would I be in Stalliongrad for?”

It was Sweeps’ turn to be confused. “Aren’t... aren’t you participating in the Bicentennial Winter Olympics this year? Like you always have, for the last three in a row? I heard you’re looking to flesh out your collection of gold medals, secure another four or five for your collection, get one for every year you’ve been alive.”

“Huh?” Twilight wasn’t following. “I’m nineteen. That... I don’t know a lot about the Winter Olympics, to tell you the truth, but nineteen medals in four olympiads, even bicentennial, sounds... really hard!”

“Hard?” Applejack coughed, trying to clear the taste of pears out of her mouth. “Try “impossible”, sugarcube. Y’all would have to compete in and win gold in at least five different disciplines. Most of ‘em don’t blend too good, so by becoming good at one, you lose ground in the other. ‘less you’re some sort of athletic legend that can somehow master five disciplines without losing touch in any of ‘em.”

“”Impossible is nothing!”” recited Sweeps, excitedly. “That’s what you said, Twilight! Remember? After you got your tenth medal, and everyone was calling you a cheater, saying it was impossible for somepony so young to do what you were doing?”

“I did?” Twilight shook her head.

“She did?” Applejack adjusted her hat in surprise.

“You did!” Sweeps repeated, looking at Twilight strangely. “Are... are you sure you’re okay? Have you hit your head?”

“Uh,” Twilight rolled her eyes. “Let’s say I have hit my head. Where are we?”

“Canterlot, Miss!” Sweeps said, proudly. “Capital of Equestria, home to the Queen of the Night herself, Nightmare Moon!”

Applejack and Twilight both coughed simultaneously, and dug a hoof in their ears in perfect synchronization.

“Queen of the what?!” Twilight exclaimed.

“Nightmare Moon?!” Applejack wheezed.

“That’s her,” Sweeps said, visibly concerned now. “I really think I should take you both to the hospital... something’s wrong, you’re not well. You must be suffering from some really, really bad amnesia...”

“Uh uh,” Applejack said, shaking her head. “No way. Nightmare Moon? Ah thought we dealt with that, Twi?”

“I don’t know what’s going on,” Twilight said, quietly. “We must have... somehow pushed our way into another Equestria, one where... Nightmare Moon won.”

“Consarnit, Twi,” Applejack stamped a hoof irritably. “Ah told you, this was a bad idea. But no, y’all just had to go and use those gems, and now here we are!”

“Alright, alright,” Twilight closed her eyes. “You can give me the “I told you so” lecture later, when we’re back in our world.”

“Your world?” Sweeps asked. “You mean... you’re not Twilight Sparkle, champion athlete?”

“Champion athlete?” Applejack snorted. “Ha! Ah’d pay good coin to see Twi qualify as any sort of athlete, let alone champion!”

“Hey!” Twilight frowned.

“Face it, sugarcube. You ain’t the most athletic of folks. Kinda like a pony-shaped marshmallow, only purple.”

Twilight frowned a little more, but conceded the point. Sweeps, for his part, blinked and examined the pony he’d mistaken for his personal hero. His face fell as he realized that the Twilight before him had little to no muscle definition, and that this was, in fact, not his Twilight. He looked like a foal who’d been told that Puddinghat wasn’t real and didn’t come down the chimney on hearth’s warming eve.

“Oh no,” Twilight reached out a hoof. “Are you okay? You’re crying.”

“Get away from me, impostor!” Sweeps cried out, batting the hoof aside with a burst of magic, before turning and running off into the night, his hooves on the flagstones rapidly echoing away, along with the echoes of his sobs.

Twilight slowly lowered her hoof, and looked hurt. Applejack looked out into the shadows, and tutted.

“Such a sensitive guy. Come on, Twi. Let’s git us some answers.”

~~~~~~~

The statue before them was tall. Twilight recalled it always being such, the Fountain of Celestia being a national landmark, along with the mountain city itself, the castle, and the Statue of Friendship, out Manehattan way.

Only, now the statue was not of Celestia, but somepony else. Somepony that had almost doomed Equestria twice before.

Nightmare Moon. Her visage had been well captured in the statue, and to be fair, without her armor, she did look like a proper queen - the slitted eyes and fangs hadn’t changed, though.

Twilight and Applejack looked up at the statue in disbelief, and looked around the plaza. Twilight knew it as the Solar Plaza; one of two, it sat on the exact opposite side of the castle from the Lunar Plaza.

“If this is now the Lunar Plaza,” Twilight muttered. “Then what’s at the other plaza?”

Applejack shrugged, uneasy. “Ah don’t know. How about we talk less about it and just go look?”

The two nodded, and slunk off down the streets of Canterlot, headed for the other plaza, Twilight leading the way. Applejack took the time to note the decor and theme of the buildings.

“Hey, Twi. Something seems really off. Ah remember that a lot of buildings in Canterlot used to have, like, pictures of the sun up top.” Applejack nodded at the top of the nearest building, where a mosaic was crowned with a carved cresent moon. “Now it’s all moons and purple.”

“Well, Nightmare Moon is in control,” Twilight said. “I don’t even know how that happened. Did I never go to Ponyville in this world? Was I out being... athletic?”

“Nah,” Applejack shook her head. “It ain’t that. These buildings... that statue... they’re all way older than us, Twi. Ah’m sure of it.”

The implications hit Twilight. “So... Nightmare Moon was never locked away in the first place?”

“Sounds an awful lot like it,” Applejack said.

Twilight steeled herself as she rounded another corner; up ahead was the plaza, concealed in the fog. “Well, we had better prepare for a fight, then.”

The ex-Lunar Plaza loomed out of the shadows, a tall statue cresting the fountain here; whereas the Celestia and Nightmare Moon fountains were designed to spout water from their horns, this statue seemed expressly built for being a fountain you simply could not take seriously, the individual depicted spouting water from perpetually puckered lips.

“Discord?!” Twilight exclaimed, sitting down heavily. “Not him, too!”

Applejack frowned. “Now, Twi, don’t go gettin’ all worked up, perhaps this is jus’ him in statue form. Ah’d think there’d be a little more chaos in the air, if he was free, and this place is just too tidy and neat. No way he’s free again.”

“Oh,” Twilight shook her head. “I hope you’re right, Applejack.”

There was a flap of wings on the air, and the two looked up. High in the sky, the moon shone down, full and luminescent. Framed by the moon, a quartet of winged individuals with bat-like wings slowly descended, and the two mares saw four pairs of yellow, slitted eyes regarding them, the glowing eyes marking the descent of the purple-armored individuals.

“Night Guard,” Twilight breathed, magic pulsing into her horn as she readied it for a spell. “I thought they were all disbanded after Celestia and Nightmare Moon fought!”

“Twilight Sparkle,” one of the Night Guard boomed, carefully using a dialed-down version of the Royal Canterlot Voice to ensure he was heard. “And Jappleack! Stay right where you are, do not move!”

“That’s “Applejack”!” corrected the farmpony, glaring up into the sky.

“Sorry, Applejack,” repeated the Night Guard, quieter now that he was drawing closer. “You two are being taken into custody by order of the Queen. Please don’t do anything silly like run or hit us, we don’t have time for that. And I don’t like getting hit, it hurts.”

“Miss Sparkle,” another guard said, cautiously. “Please warm down your horn. Somepony might get hurt.”

“You expect us to just... let you take us prisoner?” Twilight asked, wary.

The guards stopped descending, hovering at just above roof height, and quickly conferred in hurried whispers. Applejack and Twilight looked at each other, and back up at the guard, determined to give a good account of themselves.

“There, uh,” The first guard said. “There seems to be a misunderstanding. You’re not being arrested, you haven’t committed any crimes. You’re being taken into custody so we can escort you to the Queen.”

“So you can arrest us,” guessed Applejack.

“What? No!” The first guard was now gesticulating emphatically. “We are taking you,” the guard pointed at the two mares, as if talking to somepony slow, “to see the Queen. It is dark, you are probably cold, we have hot chocolate and blankets, and the Queen would like to have a word with you as soon as possible. Now, please, stop pointing that horn at us. You’re scaring poor Yarn.”

“Am not,” retorted the second guard. “Sarge, don’t say that.”

Twilight looked at Applejack. “What do you think?”

Applejack frowned. “There ain’t no way this can be on the level. And yet... Ah think he’s tellin’ the truth as he knows it. As far as he knows, he ain’t here to arrest us.”

“Can we trust him?”

Applejack shrugged. “You’re the one with the fancy teleport spell, Twi.”

Twilight looked back up at the expectant Night Guard, and let the magic fade from her horn.

“Very well,” she said, drawing as much dignity as she could. “Take us to your Queen.”

~~~~~~~

The chariot touched down at the palace steps, and the door swung open. Divesting themselves (somewhat reluctantly) of the (admittedly very warm and comfy) moon-monogrammed blankets and sipping hot drinks from thermos mugs, Twilight and Applejack emerged, escorted by the four Night Guard who had found them.

“Ah admit,” Applejack said, placing her cup back inside the chariot next to her folded blanket, empty, “That was some mighty fine hot cocoa.”

“It is, isn’t it?” The lead Night Guard said, nodding. “It’s a real treat after a patrol, it really is. Probably the best perk - the special Nightmare Brand cocoa and coffee, can’t find it anywhere else. The Queen knows how to look after her guard.”

“It’s why I do this job,” the second guard, Yarn, said. “Free coffee, and it’s as black as the armpit of the moon in an eclipse.”

“Ah’m pretty sure I don’t know what Queen y’all are talking about,” Applejack confessed, as they passed into the main hall of the castle, moon-themed regalia decorating the walls and windows liberally, to go with the rich, velvet-purple carpet that muffled their hooffalls. “Last mare I knew that called herself Queen of the night wasn’t exactly a nice pony.”

“Oh, the Queen sometimes gets a little upset,” Yarn agreed. “She can be really nasty when she’s upset. But that’s usually only around budgeting time, because she has to deal with the Cabinet Minister, and truth be told, I don’t blame her. The guy’s too much, I could never work with him.”

“Gotta be a madpony to work with the Cabinet,” muttered the Guard Sargeant. “If you aren’t... you’ll be one soon enough. Here we are.”

The party came to a halt outside two tall doors. The doors to the throne room, and just like everything else, they were different. Where Twilight remembered suns, depictions of sunlight, all done in gold; here was only pictures of moons, depictions of moonlight, embellished in the same purple-ish steel that armored the Night Guard.

Yarn stepped forward, and pushed the doors open with a creak. Within, the throne room was lined by statues and busts on pillars depicting heroes long past, well lit by torches and braziers of magical flame, with two more Night Guard standing to attention at the foot of the stairs that rose up to the thone above.

Sitting in the chair, chin resting on a hoof with a tiara of pure darkness atop her head, was the one alicorn goddess that Twilight and Applejack had hoped never to see again.

“Nightmare Moon,” the Guard Sergeant boomed loudly. “My Queen. We have brought you the two ponies you wished to see.”

“Very good,” the dark queen nodded. “You may go now, Sergeant. Same for you, two,” she said, addressing the guards at the foot of her throne. “Close the doors behind you, please. Twilight Sparkle, Applejack. Please step forward.”

Twilight and Applejack swallowed nervously, and did as they were bade, the Night Guard leaving their sides and bowing out of the room and closing the doors with a soft click behind them. The two guards at the foot of the stairs showed a little more class, throwing salutes to their Queen, before vanishing from the room in twin snaps of darkness, leaving only black smoke behind. Moonlight shone through the windows onto the cobblestoned floor of the throne room, stained glass images of fantastic beasts and villainous creatures being laid low by a single dark figure.

Nightmare Moon got up, and after rolling a hoof to restore circulation, descended the steps to meet them, timing it just right so that they were both standing at the foot of the stairs.

“So,” Nightmare Moon said. “Twilight Sparkle. Applejack. Twilight Sparkle, I know. You should be in Stalliongrad, preparing for the Games.”

“So I’ve been told,” Twilight said. “And I would be. If I was the Twilight Sparkle you’re talking about.”

“And clearly, you are not,” Nightmare Moon sighed. “I don’t need this. I really don’t. Somepony’s playing tricks on me, and I’m hoping like hay that it’s not who I think it is. Please tell me you’re a changeling. At least then, I can vent my rage by yelling at that two-timing witch, Chrysalis, for not keeping her swarm under control like we agreed.”

“I’m, uh, not a changeling,” Twilight said, uncertain. “And I’m sure I’m not some sort of prank.”

“Hmm,” Nightmare Moon tapped her chin. “He could have made you not self-aware. That’d be just like him.” Nightmare Moon turned to Applejack. “Who are you?”

“Applejack’s my name,” the farmpony said. “Sweet Apple Acres, just outside Ponyville.”

“Hmm...” Nightmare Moon closed her eyes in thought. “Never heard of it. Which just tells me more and more that you’re not from this world.”

“So...?” Twilight pressed.

“Well,” Nightmare Moon sighed. “We’ll send you back, of course. Only, I don’t know how. I know somepony who probably does know, but...” The queen closed her eyes, and took a deep breath. “Shining.”

“Yes, my Queen?” a male voice suddenly said, and Twilight and Applejack jumped in surprise as a cowled pony stepped out of the Queen’s shadow, his cowl casting so many shadows of his own that it was impossible to see inside the hood.

“Please take a message to the Cabinet Minister,” she said. “I would like him to come to the Throne Room as soon as possible, please.”

“As you wish, my Queen,” the cowled pony nodded. He walked towards the main doors, pausing next to Twilight. “Twilight Sparkle?”

“Yes?” Twilight asked. “Shining? Is... is that you?”

The cowled pony tilted his head, and the shadows lessened enough to reveal a familiar face hiding under them. “It is indeed,” Shining Armor said. “Since you recognize me, I can only guess that you do, in fact, have a brother in your world. I have... one question.”

“A question?” Twilight nodded. “Sure.”

Shining cleared his throat. “In your world, do I... have I ever found... a special somepony? I don’t need a name, I just need a yes or no.”

“What?” Twilight shook her head in confusion, caught out by the question. “Uh, yeah. You- I mean, other you - got married a few months ago.”

“Oh,” Shining seemed to relax. “Well, if he can find his special somepony, I’m sure I can. One day.”

“Shining?” Nightmare Moon said, pointedly. “Sometime soon, please. The night might be eternal, but it’s not getting any younger.”

“Right, sorry, my Queen.” Shining nodded to the Queen, and spared Twilight one last look. “Thanks, Twily.”

“Anytime, BBBFF.”

Shining smiled, and Twilight thought she saw the vaguest hint of a blush as the stallion trotted away, and with a puff of shadow, disintegrated and vanished.

Twilight shook her head. “That was weird.”

Applejack put a hoof up. “Nightmare Moon?”

“Yes, Applejack?” The queen sighed.

“Got a question. Why are you in charge ‘round here?”

“Because,” Nightmare Moon said, “I’m the only one fit to rule, right now. It’s been that way ever since Celestia decided to get snooty and... well. We had a falling out, and now I rule Equestria in eternal night.”

“You’re not doing much to make yourself not sound like the Dark Queen we know,” Twilight said.

“Oh?” Nightmare Moon looked at Twilight. “What is other me like?”

“Well,” Twilight tilted her head. “Other you is kinda evil. Sort of. We used the elements of Harmony to remove the evil influence and free Princess Luna.”

“Luna,” Nightmare Moon breathed. “Haven’t heard that name in centuries.”

“You’re Princess Luna, right?” Applejack guessed.

Nightmare Moon nodded. “That’s quite right. I am. But when I sat on the thone, I could no longer be a Princess. I needed to be a figure that commanded obedience through fear and respect, and nopony took me seriously when I called myself Queen Luna. What did other me do to be so evil?”

“She, uh,” Twilight coughed. “She raised the moon and refused to ever let the sun rise again.”

Nightmare Moon snorted. “Oh Me, the other me’s a moron.”

“What?” Applejack asked.

“The moon,” Nightmare Moon pointed out the window. “You can’t just raise that and never set it again, Me almighty. Crops’ll die. Bad for the country.”

“But,” Twilight pointed out. “You just said the night was eternal, didn’t you?”

“Not by choice,” Nightmare Moon said. “It’s not my fault I can’t get the sun to cooperate. And I can’t set the moon and leave nothing in the sky, that’s even worse. Total darkness! Nothing gets done! Instead, I just make the moon brighter or dimmer as needed. Speaking of which, if you’ll excuse me...”

Nightmare Moon walked over to the window, and looked up at the moon. With a pulse of magic through her horn, the dark alicorn focused on the moon. Like a lamp, the moon began to glow even brighter, sterile white light building rapidly, until all of Canterlot and beyond was brightly lit. Admittedly, in the false moon-sunlight, it was like everything was under a cold, white lamp,  but it was light. Enough to see quite comfortably by, at any rate.

As the new light washed through the windows, Twilight blinked and shook her head. Everything was so surreal. At this point, even Discord couldn’t make things more weird.

The doors to the throne room flew open with a bang and a fanfare of kazoos, confetti heralding the individuals on the other side. With a series of mismatched steps, a tall individual walked into the room, and Twilight decided that things might just get a little weirder.

Discord stood tall and confident, somehow fitting his mismatched body into a suit that was just as mismatched, made from enough different suits to give anypony a fashion headache. The Draconequus god of Chaos was flanked by a pair of ponies who were wearing equally agonizing suits, albeit more uniform. One of them was a yellow-pinstripe-suited purple pony blowing raspberries with one forehoof, and clutching a folder of paper to her chest with the other, while floating in the air thanks to a propeller cap. The other was a lighter blue unicorn clad in what looked like a plaid suit, simply making strange noises and frothing ever so slightly as she ground her teeth together and did her best to stand still, a small pile of paperwork stuffed into saddlebags that were strapped to her back with a six-point harness. A pot of ink was strapped to her head like a helmet.

“Ah,” Nightmare Moon said. “Cabinet Minister. I... see you’ve brought some of your Cabinet with you.”

“My dear Nightie,” Discord said breezily. “You know as well as I do that I am not the Cabinet alone. The cabinet is a close-knit team of ponies, and if you have something to say to me, you can say it to all of them. Well, you could, if the others didn’t have work to be doing. Screwloose and Screwball here won the game of Twister, so they got to come along.”

Twilight closed her eyes and kneaded her forehead with a hoof. “This is...”

“Unbelievable,” Applejack breathed. “Discord’s in charge of bureaucracy?”

“I... guess it makes sense,” Twilight admitted. “Sort of.”

The two had a brief moment where they visualized what kind of red tape or mayhem actually went on in the guts of this Equestria’s government, and shuddered as one. Truly, it would be a realm of madness best left undelved.

“Don’t call me “Nightie”,” groused Nightmare Moon. “And I wanted to ask you a question.”

“Ask away, Queenie!” Discord said, whipping out a quill and paper, dunking the quill in the pot of ink strapped to Screwloose’s head.

“These two,” Nightmare Moon said, indicating Twilight and Applejack, “Are not of this world. We need to send them back to where they came from. Any ideas?”

“Hmm,” Discord actually paused for a moment. “You two look familiar. Like, really familiar.”

“Uh, apple farmer from Ponyville?” Applejack asked.

“Hmm, no,” Discord rubbed his chin. “I’m thinking... pear.”

“What is it with pears?” Applejack asked, irritated.

“Pears are delicious!” Discord said, rearing up to his full height and producing one from a pocket to a sudden fanfare and glow of light. “And look! So funny looking! It’s weird!” Discord lowered his head. “Not like you, purple one. You still look really familiar. Without pear.”

“Uh,” Twilight pondered. “I’m... told the Twilight Sparkle in this world is a famous athlete?”

“Ah!” Discord clapped a claw and paw together excitedly. “I remember now! I gave you a medal to go with all your other medals! Made of banananium!”

“Banana... nium?” Twilight was starting to get a headache. “I don’t even want to know.”

“Of course not! Honk!” Discord slithered through the air to Nightmare Moon, who looked like she might be suffering like Twilight was. “So, Nightie-”

“Don’t.”

“-my little Moonie-”

“You’re pushing it, Discord.”

“-fine, Nightmare Moon,” Discord gave the four other ponies in the room a look as he rolled his eyes, “get a load of this mare” all but written over his face. (It literally was written on a sign hovering behind and above the pair, however.) “I have a solution. There are six crystals. Very pretty. Rainbow colors, except indigo, because who cares about indigo, right? Anyway. Six gems. Resonate ‘em, put a piece of fruit in the middle of the circle, and away they go! I’m thinking... an apple might send ‘em back where they belong.”

“Right,” Nightmare Moon seemed relieved, having gotten a straight answer for once. “So, where are the gems?”

“Scattered across the land in six deathtrap dungeons!” Discord proclaimed, waving his arms for a moment, before pausing. “Wait, no, tell a lie. Cabinet Minister of Custard, where are they?”

Screwball stopped blowing raspberries. “One moment!” She spun, and with an almost feral motion, dropped her own dossier and pounced on Screwloose’s back, standing with all the sturdiness of a mountain goat as she rifled through the saddlebags, even as the pony beneath her began to run and jump around the room at high speed, the pottle of ink on her head jerking and threatening to spill, but still not actually spilling a drop of ink.

Of course, Nightmare Moon and Twilight didn’t know that, and the Dark Queen and Order Enthusiast cringed violently, repeatedly for thirty seconds straight.

The show came to an abrupt end as Screwball thrust a triumphant hoof into the air, a piece of paper spit-licked to it.

“Got it!” Screwball crowed. “Six points to Hydrador!”

“King me!” lamented Screwloose, walking slowly back to where she’d started.

“What did we just see?” Applejack asked, somewhat shellshocked.

“Government,” sighed Nightmare Moon. “This is how the Cabinet works. Trust me. I don’t know exactly how it works, or what rules they play by, but it does. Ponies get paid on time, civil services are maintained, and turnaround on paperwork is usually half a day, plus mailing time.”

Discord reached over to the piece of paper that Screwball was waving around with an impossibly long arm, and plucked it out of her hoof, bringing it to his face, which suddenly sported oversized reading glasses with ludicrously ornate frames, diamond-studded wings framing the Draconeqqus’ mismatched eyes as he read it.

“Okay!” Discord snapped his fingers, and the piece of paper exploded into frogs. “The gems are all in one place, that’s the good news!”

“And what’s the bad news?” Applejack asked.

“The bad news?” Discord chuckled. “They’re with Celestia, in Celestia’s Citadel, deep within the Everfree Forest! Isn’t that a hoot?”

“C- Celestia?” Twilight did a double-take. “You mean to tell me Celestia is alive and free in this world?”

“Yes,” Nightmare Moon said. “Although we don’t exactly see eye-to- eye. I leave her alone, and she leaves me and mine alone. What did you expect?”

“Honestly?” Twilight gave the Queen a look. “Either she was evil for some reason, turned into a statue, or locked in the sun.”

“How horrid,” Discord said. “Being a statue? That’d be just... eugh.” The Cabinet Minister shook his head. “Imagine if your flank got itchy? Nightmaaare.”

“Ahem,” the Queen said.

“Yes?”

“Never mind.” The Queen closed her eyes for a moment, taking a deep breath. “Okay. So. Everfree Forest. Closest town, Ponyville. I’ll have my Guard take you there promptly.”

“What?” Twilight blinked. “You’re just letting us go like that?”

“Well, yeah,” Nightmare Moon rolled her eyes. “Honestly. I have a nation to run, I can’t foalsit you. I’m already foalsitting the demented stallion-foals we call “the nobility”.”

“Good point,” Twilight said, looking at the Cabinet, who seemed to have abandoned the conversation for a game of tag around the throne room. Nightmare Moon’s eyes went wide as the procession suddenly decided that “through six sets of armor on stands” was where it needed to go, and the room was filled with the sounds of rattling armor on flagstones as the exhibits were destroyed by the rampaging trio of government officials on their way out the door.

Nightmare Moon just walked back over to the steps, and sat down with a huff, eyelid twitching.

“Uh, good luck, Queen,” Applejack hazarded, to a tired look from Nightmare Moon.

“Thanks. Now get going, please, and tell the first Guard you see that the Queen would like a coffee, the usual, a jug of orange juice, a bagel, and some Aspirin.” The queen sighed. “It’s going to be a long day.”