Clop It!

by PrettyMonster

Chapters

• I
• II
• III
• IV
• V
• VI

I

Clop It!

By PrettyMonster

Twilight Sparkle awoke to find her head throbbing in misery.  Fearing for the state of her mouth, she attempted to reclaim her tongue with a cursory probe.  Nothing happened.  No amount of effort could peel the dried-up sponge occupying her throat off the lifeless roof of her mouth.  

A blurry star sat in the center of her vision in open defiance of her firmly clenched eyelids.  Opening them was unthinkable; it would only expose her sensitive pupils to more terrible, burning light. If a hangover felt like this, she couldn’t imagine why anypony ever drank.  

Shoving that thought into the back of her mind, Twilight gradually realized she was lying awkwardly on a cold wooden floor. She put all of her efforts into remembering why.

The day had started off wonderfully enough. Princess Celestia was coming to Ponyville on a casual visit! Twilight had spent nearly a month putting together a casual royal welcome, which meant preparing for every contingency. She had been ready for anything.

Nothing had gone wrong. No matter-eating swarms, no Fluttershy picking the wrong day to abduct the royal pet, just Twilight and her friends having the times of their lives with their wonderful ruler.

But what had happened after that?

Her heart sank into the pit of her stomach when she realized that she had no answer to that question. For a month she’d been dreaming and planning that morning to the point where she had excluded all her other interests, and now the memories for which she yearned were gone.

It was the day she had hoped to tell her Princess everything. She might not have gone through with it in the end; after all, she hadn’t the last time, or the time before. But now she’d never know.

Her memories seemed to cut off sometime in the morning, so Twilight focused on finding the exact moment at which her recollections stopped, and perhaps discover why her memory seemed foggy. If nothing else, it would delay opening her eyes for another few moments.

Let's see...

She remembered waking up. After that had come the morning rituals accompanied by a light breakfast, in order to save room for brunch with the Princess. She had then consulted her checklist to remind her which sub-checklists she was supposed to consult, and then consulted each of them to review the preparations she had already completed the night before.

If only she could start every day of her life that way.

Then Celestia had arrived, and everypony in town had crowded around to greet her. Twilight had gotten so sidetracked upon gazing at that radiant beacon of perfection that they were nearly ten seconds behind schedule by the time she recovered.

She hadn’t cared.

As a group, Twilight and her friends had chatted and walked with the Princess to Le Gourmet De Prance. Twilight had already booked a reservation, double-booked a reservation, and called in every day for the past month to confirm both of her reservations so she knew a table would be waiting for them. Even though the establishment was usually deserted in the morning, it never hurt to be prepared.

After they were seated, Princess Celestia had ordered tea for the group. She remembered blowing on it to cool it down, taking her first sip, and then feeling extremely...drowsy? The world had swirled and darkened, and that was her final moment of consciousness until now.

That’s when everything clicked for her.

She had been ponynapped. Princess Celestia had likely been ponynapped as well, no doubt the primary target of the attack. She was suddenly very glad that she hadn’t opened her eyes, as her only hope now lay in that her abductors wouldn’t realize she was conscious. She had, perhaps, one chance to surprise them, escape, and rescue Celestia. The two of them could then aid the rest of her friends, if they had also been targeted by the attack.

Already, Twilight could imagine how the two would bond over the countless scenarios of danger and excitement, growing close in ways that they, in their respective roles as teacher and student, never could. Just as Twilight’s thoughts returned to the familiar debate of whether she and the princess should first make love under a freezing waterfall, or in the royal bedchamber atop a mattress sprinkled with rose petals, her abductor made its presence known.

A hoof rested on her shoulder, a sure prelude to some thug or minion hefting her over brawny shoulders to carry her elsewhere. It would be a perfect, yet fleeting, opportunity for Twilight to overpower her captor and free herself. She held her breath, waiting for her imminent abduction,  but the hoof did not grip her body.  Instead, it slid along her barrel, fondling her skin until it rested on her flank. Then it began to creep towards her haunches.

Her captor wasn’t taking her anywhere.

A muzzle pressed itself against her own. Adrenaline, fueled by shock and disgust, powered through her body. Twilight abandoned her plan of waiting for the right moment to strike. She was going to make her stand right here, right now. Win or lose, there was no bucking way that some lackey would take her maidenhood when it had, for years, been reserved for another special pony.

After all, one day Celestia would finally open her eyes, see what they had together, and throw Twilight Sparkle to the ground and ravish her. Celestia willing (or very willing as the case may be), Twilight would either see that day as a virgin or a corpse.

Given the choices, remaining a virgin sounded much less creepy.

Twilight opened her eyes and immediately screamed.

“AAAHHHHHHHHH,” replied Fluttershy. Her wings and hooves were tangled with Twilight in a yellow and purple mess.

They both tried to break away at the same time, which only made their position even more compromising as Fluttershy slid forward onto Twilight’s back. At last Twilight seized Fluttershy in a telekinetic field, jerked her away, and then respectfully deposited the pegasus in front of her.

Twilight’s cheeks were flushed and her mouth hung half-open. “Fluttershy!  WHAT. THE. HAY?!”

Fluttershy crouched down and hid beneath her mane, managing to blush even redder than Twilight. “Oh my, I’m so very sorry, I really didn’t mean that, it’s just that I didn’t know you were sleeping next to me, and sometimes when I’m in bed with somepony else I get... just a teeny bit grabby.”

“Grabby?” asked Twilight, looking shocked and enraged. “Fluttershy, your tongue was halfway down my throat!”

“I’m so sorry Twilight, but I also get tongy. Umm... that’s perfectly normal, isn’t it?” squeaked Fluttershy. “You’ve probably read that in a book somewhere?”

Twilight blinked. “As it happens, I researched sleepwalking and unusual nocturnal behavior during the six years that I suffered from it, and I can tell you with absolute certainty that tongy isn’t a word.”

“It’s not? Well, I was just trying to put it concisely, Twilight.  How are you supposed to describe it when a mare gets a little too adventurous with her tongue? Com-completely by accident, of course.”

“Well, maybe nobody has needed a word like that, because nobody has orally violated their close friend often enough to need one!” huffed the lilac unicorn.

Fluttershy raised her head up and frowned. Though usually a timid mare, she could always tap into a reservoir of assertiveness when she needed it.

“Look, Twilight,” she said flatly, “can you stop for just one second to think about how I might feel about all this? I mean, if I really wanted to, I think I could do just a teeny bit better. Not that I, umm... don’t think you’re...nice...”

“You could...what?” Alarm bells blazed through the unicorn’s mind. “What’s that supposed to—”

“You heard her!” interrupted by Rainbow Dash, who had awoken after being disturbed by the quarrel and now stood protectively before Fluttershy. “So whatever’s got a twist on your horn, just lay off it OK?” It was only then that Dash began to examine her surroundings. Twilight did so as well, curiosity replacing her shock and eager as she to see just where they were.

There wasn’t much to see. The floor was polished mahogany, illuminated by the high-powered lamp, which acted as a spotlight overhead. The bright light revealed that all of her friends were accounted for, and in various states of consciousness.  She saw Rarity half-asleep and murmuring.  Lying beside her was Applejack, cradling the white unicorn and using her stetson hat to fan the unicorn.  Pinkie was...

On closer examination, Twilight didn’t see or hear Pinkie Pie anywhere. Normally, the sugar-coated mare was noticeable even from outer space. Just as her reeling mind wrapped around this worrisome fact, another light came on. It revealed Pinkie Pie, as well as one of two ponies that made Pinkie easy to ignore just by her presence.

Princess Celestia.

“Hello, my little ponies,” the Princess said, each word gentle and comforting.

“Princess!” cried everypony but Rarity, who was still on her back and muttered something along the lines of  ‘Prenshush.’

Twilight rushed over to Celestia’s side and began nuzzling her chest (one of the few platonic areas she could reach on the huge goddess). She moved around her, showering affection on the royal alicorn even as she inspected every inch of the powerful mare’s toned physique. She stood on her hind legs and unfurled Celestia’s wing with her hooves, inspecting each feather.

“Are you alright?” she demanded. “Did they hurt you? Oh, if they hurt you I swear I am going to buck them to the moon myself!”

“Woah there, bronco,” said Applejack, clamping onto Twilight’s neck with her mouth and dragging her gently away as if she were a kitten. “I don’t know what sort of ‘they’ you’re referring to, but if you’re thinkin’ we’ve been ponynapped, then I don’t need ta know how ta count ta see that it don’t add up. And do you mind simmering down a bit? I ain’t worked out what kinda setting we’re in exactly, but a lil royal dec...dac—”

“Decorum.”

“Thanks, Fluttershy. A little decorum wouldn’t hurt.” Applejack turned to the alicorn. “Now Princess, can ya tell us exactly what’s goin’ on?”

Princess Celestia nodded. “You’ve been ponynapped.”

“What?!”

“As I thought,” said Twilight, unable to contain her smugness.

“By me,” finished Celestia.

“What?!”

Rainbow Dash stepped forward beside Applejack.  “Princess, why would you ponynap us?”

Twilight nodded as well. “If you needed us for something then you could have asked, Princess. I mean, you know that I’d do anything for you right?” Celestia raised a brow at this. “We,” the flustered unicorn corrected quickly, “I think I can speak for all of us here when I say that we’d do anything for you. I mean, whisking us away like this without our consent, it almost makes it seem like you’re planning on doing something naughty, Princess.” Twilight blushed and giggled. “Which is ludicrous, of course, since I know you’d never do anything of that nature. Not to say that I’d be totally opposed to the idea on the off chance you were...”

Princess Celestia cleared her throat and interrupted Twilight’s ramblings. “I apologize for the unorthodox method of bringing you all together, but after Princess Luna’s visit to your village on Nightmare Night, we both began to suspect, and have recently confirmed a suspicion. Each of you needs to undergo treatment at once.”

At this Pinkie began hopping around with joy. “Yippee! I love treats!”

“Treated as in ‘treatment,’ Pinkie Pie. It’s the kind of treat you’re not going to like.”

Pinkie landed and tilted her head in confusion. “Huh? Why wouldn’t I like a treat?”


“Now hold yer apples,” said Applejack, lifting her head up high. “If what you’re implying is that any of us are sick, then I’m proud to inform you that I’m as hale as a Honeycrisp tree, thanks for askin’.  Now, if that’s all, I’ll just be headin’ back to-”

“No, no, I wouldn’t say that any of you are sick, per se. That would be too harsh. I’d just suggest that you girls are at a stage in your lives where it is easy to be confused about your values and direction. You are susceptible to certain influences that I fear put you at risk of failing in your duties as the Elements of Harmony. As your Princess, I’m taking it upon myself to personally see to your counseling.”

Applejack looked from Rainbow to Twilight, both of whom just shrugged at her. “What in tarnation’s that supposed ta mean?” She asked, turning back to the Princess.

“Means shthinksh wegey.” Everypony turned to Rarity. Applejack moved to help her rise, but Rarity touched her hoof to Applejack’s mouth and pushed her back. “Water,” she breathed, standing under her own power.

Princess Celestia turned a faucet on in the darkness and levitated a glass to Rarity. She splashed it on her face, wetting her mane.

“Mirror.”

Complying with the request again, Celestia levitated a small hoof mirror to the unicorn. “Much obliged, your majesty. Now, comb, mouthwash, liner, and eyelash curlers please.”

Applejack let out a snort of exasperation even as Celestia produced each requested object.  “Land sakes!  You’re already fit enough ta talk, so tell us what you were tryin’ ta say!”

“I was tending to a fashion emergency,” lectured Rarity, fussing over her hair as she studied her reflection in the mirror. “I cannot go the whole day with ponynap hair, now can I? But I apologize for keeping you waiting, darling. As I was saying, Princess Celestia is suggesting that we are all filly-foolers.”

“WHAT?!” cried everypony, except for Pinkie, who instead leapt into the air and shouted “YIPPEE!”

“Umm, Rarity, don’t you think you’re jumping to conclusions?”
 said Fluttershy

“No, she’s right,” interjected Celestia.  “I’m never sure whether or not I should just be direct in these situations.”  Celestia’s horn glowed and the lights flickered on, revealing that they were in a well-furnished office sized for an alicorn. The walls were decorated with cheerful, yet ominous, posters of colts and fillies holding hooves, skipping around, and otherwise engaging in innocuous activities as the stern caricatures of Celestia and Luna loomed over them.  Many were emblazoned with catchphrases such as 'Stay on the Straight!’ and ‘Cuddling is for Colts - NOT Stallions.’

“I know,” said Rarity with a glum sigh, “because I’ve heard those words before.  Back when I first came to... ‘Straight Camp.’”

Everypony gasped, except for Pinkie who bounced up in joy again. “We’re going to camp together? This is going to be so much fun!”

“No Pinkie,” said Rarity with a mixture of apology and apathy. “It’s not the kind of camp you’re going to like.”

Pinkie looked at Rarity as though she were crazy. “Why wouldn’t I like camp?!”

Fluttershy approached the Princess humbly and bowed once more. “Princess, I hope you don’t mind, but I’m finding all this a little confusing. I mean, even if I were a filly-fooler, that wouldn’t be a problem, would it? Haven’t you taught everypony that love is beautiful and should never be shunned, no matter what form it takes?”

“That’s right, Fluttershy, and I’m very glad you thought to point that out. Love is a beautiful thing, no matter what form it takes. Mare, stallion, or even a non-pony—the joining of two souls should be embraced by the entire community, and is one of the most joyous signs of harmony throughout the land.”

Rarity cleared her throat. “Then why, exactly, are you taking an interest in the matter?”

“Because the Elements of Harmony don’t work for fags,” the Princess answered bluntly. “I’ve got to set each of you straight or Equestria is doomed.”

Everypony gasped.

Twilight looked very much like she wanted to say something, so of course she did. “Princess. Don’t think that I’m disputing your expertise on the magic of friendship, but I’ve researched it very thoroughly as well, and I’m pretty sure that what you’re saying is complete—”

“So,” said the Princess, expertly cutting Twilight off. “Shall I show you around?”

Rainbow Dash immediately did a wing-assisted leap that placed her upon the desk, puffing out her chest and glaring at the princess. “Hold on one moment. You’ve got to prove it!”

Celestia smiled quizzically. “Prove what, Rainbow Dash?”

“The whole reason why we’re here is because you’re saying we play on the all-filly team. But what if I told you that I’m straight?”

Pinkie Pie and Rarity giggled, while the others tried to keep straight faces with mixed success.  Only Celestia was able to maintain absolute serenity.

“I’m serious!” Rainbow’s gaze flattened.  “Prove I’m gay, or I’m leaving.”

Celestia replied demurely, but with a subtle warning in her voice. “Are you sure this is a path you wish to fly down, Rainbow Dash? The consequences could be difficult to bear.”

Dash looked the ruler of Equestria dead in the eye. “Do your worst.”

Celestia sighed, as if to say ‘this is going to hurt me a lot more than it’s going to hurt you,’ and trotted around the desk, opening a middle drawer with her magic. She beckoned the group of friends closer as she produced a photograph and revealed it to her audience.

It was a picture of Rainbow Dash lying on top of the welcome sign at the entrance to Ponyville.  She was giving the camera an enticing stare while holding a bunch of grapes in her hoof, flashing her teeth, as her preparation to take the first delicate nibble was frozen in time.  In contrast to her typical rough appearance, Rainbow’s mane and hooves were expertly manicured and polished, and she was wearing a hot pink swimsuit.

There was a caption beneath the photo. Ponyville: Gay Capital of Equestria.

Rainbow Dash contemplated the flyer for a few moments, the color draining from her face.  She tried to speak a few times but only half-formed words came out. Eventually her head drooped and she slunk away, shamefaced. “Featherweight...” she whispered hoarsely as a tear fell to the floor. “H-he...said...THAT IT WAS A CALENDAR SHOOT!” At that she lost all semblance of control, and Applejack gave her a tight hug to comfort her as she bawled. “I just wanted to be Miss April,” she murmured sadly against her friend’s embrace.

“Well,” said Celestia somberly after Dash had been given some time to calm down. “As much as it pained me to do that, the evidence was conclusive. Does anypony else care to challenge their sexual status?”

“Actually,” said Twilight, “your evidence doesn’t really-”

Celestia cleared her throat with a note of authority.  “As inconclusive as my evidence was, the petitioner no longer wishes to dispute her status.  Anypony else?”

Pinkie hopped forward, oblivious to her friends’ reluctance. “Ooh ooh! Pick me! Me me me!”

Celestia looked thoughtfully at Pinkie. “Hmm, this might be a challenge.  I don’t believe I brought any evidence suggesting that you’re gay, Pinkie Pie.”

Pinkie grinned. “Of course I am, silly!”

Twilight cleared her throat nervously. “She’s using the word in the modern sense Pinkie, not the archaic.”

“Yep! This Pinkie’s a homosexual!”

Celestia leaned in until her snout was inches away from Pinkie’s, a devious smile unleashed on her lips. “Prove it.”

Without hesitation, Pinkie bounced over to Fluttershy, seized her hooves, and kissed her full on the lips. Fluttershy’s wings shot out in an instant, though her eyes widened and she pulled away as soon as she had recovered from the initial shock.

“Ooh my,” Fluttershy said weakly. “You taste like bubblegum and also umm... that was tongy.”

Twilight’s eye twitched at that last word, while Rainbow Dash recovered from her melancholy long enough to wrap a protective hoof around Fluttershy and give Pinkie a simmering glare.

Celestia, her gentle expression the same as always, seemed oblivious to the tension. “I think that’s settled, then. Who do we have next? How about...Rarity?”

A terrified smile quivered on Rarity’s face, and she furiously began shaking her head, but Celestia was having none of it. The imposing alicorn whipped out yet another piece of parchment from her desk, unfolding it and presenting it to the group.

It was a sketch of a corset and one-piece skirt. The margins around the drawing were dotted with scribbles of hearts and apples, and the notations made little secret about which details of the female pony anatomy the clothing’s designer wanted to emphasize in every lurid detail.

“Ah don’t get it... shouldn’ that piece have a bottom?”

“Wow, those garters are flankless!” Pinkie bounced with excitement.

“Oh... oh my!” Fluttershy covered her eyes with her hooves, though it was rather obvious that she was peeking.

Rarity’s face flushed red with fury, and she tried to snatch the design away with her own magic; however the princess’s mystical grip wouldn’t budge in the slightest. “Princess!” she cried. “This is an outrage! I demand to know who revealed my private work to you!”

“That would be teeellliiing,” sang Celestia, while tucking the sketch back in the desk. Then she coughed loudly—a strange gesture, since her divine lungs were free of imperfection—and whispered even louder, “Sweetie Belle.”

“That. Foal. Is. Dead,” growled Rarity, stalking back and forth while Celestia’s eyes roamed over the rest of the group, selecting her next victim.

“And how about sweet little Fluttershy?” asked the Princess, stepping toward the quivering pegasus. Fluttershy backed up until she smacked against the wall; the princess’s advance left her cornered. “Do you have anything that you would like to admit, dear?”

“Oh, no your majesty! I mean, if that’s alright. I can certainly understand why everypony else is here, but maybe you abducted me just a teeny-tiny bit too hastily? As it happens, I’m already as straight as an ironing board. I think I’d like to go home now...”

“I noticed your wings did a little salute when Pinkie kissed you, hmm? What was that all about?”

“Oh, that was nothing, Princess. See, when you drugged me and deposited my unconscious body on the floor, I was sort of lying on my wing and got a cramp. And right when Pinkie kissed me, it sort of woke up from when it had fallen asleep, so I decided to give them an innocent little stretch to make sure there wasn’t another cramp later.”

“A cramp, you say? Will you be alright, Fluttershy? I can have a medical professional look them over, if you want. Your safety is of the highest priority while you’re here.”

“Thank you very much, Your Majesty, but I’m sure I’ll be fine. I wasn’t injured at all, and nothing like that will happen again.”

Celestia nodded. “You are certain that it will not happen again?”

“Absolutely, Your Majesty.”

Celestia continued nodding; then, without warning, she seized Fluttershy and kissed her full on the lips. Fluttershy’s friends could only stare in shock as Celestia continued the kiss, forcing Fluttershy’s wings straight into the air once again. This continued long after Celestia’s point had been made, before she finally dropped Fluttershy back onto the floor. Slow to recover, Fluttershy wobbled and tried to pull her wings back down, growing more and more frantic as they refused to budge. Celestia trotted back to her desk with a swagger, tail swishing in obvious excitement.

The moment they had recovered from the sheer audacity of Celestia’s assault, Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash were on the scene.

“Princess!” challenged Rainbow with fiery indignation. “How could you just jump on her like that?!  Fluttershy’s feelings are very delicate, and she deserves better than to be toyed with!”



“Fluttershy!” said Twilight sternly. “I expected better from you. How could you just sway there like a vixen and tempt our pure, innocent Princess to jump on you like that?! I think that, as our ruler, she deserves at least a modicum of respect!”

“Oh Rainbow, I didn’t mind, really! She, umm...tasted like coconut, and that’s my favorite ice cream. Well...now it is, funny, I don’t remember liking it much before...but anyway, I don’t mind if she didn’t.”

Celestia looked like the cat who had eaten the canary. “I don’t mind either. Given that she didn’t have prior written permission to grace my lips, I think that offense carries at least a dungeon sentence. But don’t worry, she’s pardoned.”

Twilight’s frown vanished and she looked over at Fluttershy, biting her lip. “So... mint coconut or classic coconut?”

“Oh. Definitely mint. Maybe even more mint than coconut, come to think of it...”

A tear ran down Twilight’s cheek as she listened to Fluttershy. “To think the heaven that’s graced your lips. I may never know such glory, but at least I can touch the lips that touched the lips—”  As Twilight leaned forward to a now-cowering Fluttershy, Rainbow doubled back and yanked the unicorn away.

“No more kissing Fluttershy!” the light blue mare decreed, depositing Twilight back amongst the group of bewildered friends.

That seemed to pull the unicorn back into the realm of sanity. Twilight steeled herself and resolved to confront, head-on, the moment she had been dreading. Clearing her throat, she addressed Celestia.  “Well, if we’re going to do this, then I’ll go next. I mean, if you didn’t already know about me, I guess you do now. All I can do is hope you realize that, as naive as I was, I had the best-”

“Applejack,” said Celestia crisply and with pointed obliviousness, rolling out another piece of parchment.  “Can you tell me what this number is?” Unlike all the other pieces of ‘evidence,’ this was merely a scrap with the number ‘314’ written on it.

“No I can’t Your Majesty,” said Applejack proudly.  “I got four hooves and I’ve never needed to count higher. But if you’re tryin’ to muddle the issue with yer fancy numbers, let me say right now that I am not gay in the slightest.” She glanced at her friends sheepishly. “Not that there’s anythin’ wrong with that.”

“Well,” said Celestia amiably. “Let me refresh your memory then. This is the number of showers you took with your all-mare hoofball team in your days at Bale University.”

Everypony gasped.

“Per term,” Celestia added with a touch of somberness.

“Now hold on,” retorted Applejack angrily. “However many showers I took or didn’t, there ain’t nothin’ filly-foolin’ about that. Mah teammates were mah fellow warriors, and we were perfectly comfortable gittin’ sweaty an’ muddy together to take our minds off school an’ hardships. And furthermore, it’s perfectly natural ta begin an’ end a session of hard play with a cleansin’ group shower. We trained together, we fought together, we were equals!”

Rarity scrunched her brow in confusion. “But...three-hundred and fourteen? Per term? That would scarcely give you any time to play the game, darling!”

“Rarity, you take yer fancy equations and leave them outta this conversation. All they ever produce are lies!” Applejack gulped and ran her hoof across the ground.  “Though now that you mention it, it does seem we took one or two more than was strictly necessary.”

Twilight cleared her throat. “I think the bigger question is, how did Applejack graduate from Bale if she never even learned how to count?!”

“She had a sports scholarship,” sang Pinkie, bouncing around with every word. Twilight grumbled in response but didn’t dispute the point.

“Now that that’s taken care of,” said Celestia, “shall I show you around camp?”

Twilight tensed her miserable shoulders and cleared her throat, trying to harden herself for what was to come. She did not wonder what a condemned mare walking over Equestria’s border to a permanent exile felt like. She was that mare.

“Princess...” she said hoarsely. “Aren’t you forgetting something?”

Celestia tossed a side-glance Twilight. “What could that be, my faithful student?” Everypony else stared at the princess as though she were blind, crazy, or both.

“Well you... showed us... why... everypony needs to be here. Everypony except me. Aren’t you going to pull out some proof concerning my orientation too?”

Celestia looked shocked. “Twilight, are you suggesting that you’re also gay?”

Twilight looked at the ground, fighting back tears. “That’s why you brought me here, isn’t it? Because you...err...might have reason to believe...that I’m in love with another mare?”

Celestia almost laughed, but when she saw the hard time Twilight was enduring, she rushed over and enveloped the unicorn in a beautiful white wing. “Oh, Twilight. You’ve got nothing to be ashamed of!”

Twilight’s eyes widened, and she stared up at Celestia, trembling. “Really?” The seeds of hope took root in her voice.

Celestia nodded. “Absolutely. I’ve known you since you were a filly, Twilight. I practically raised you myself, and I daresay I did a decent job of it too. You’re a smart, capable, and well-adjusted heterosexual mare, and I couldn’t be more proud of you.”

“What?! I mean...but...why did you drug me, then?!”

Celestia kissed Twilight on the brow, causing her to shiver. “Is that what this is all about? The reason you’re here is because having a straight assistant to provide an example for your friends is going to be essential for the curative process! I didn’t drug you on purpose. You did see me wink at you and tilt my head, right? That means ‘don’t drink the tea, it’s poisoned.’ Then I looked to your left to let you know you were to keep it to yourself.”

Twilight looked completely bewildered. “You, um... I don’t remember you ever teaching me that, Princess.”

“That’s funny, your friend Pinkie Pie noticed immediately.”

Seemingly out of nowhere, Pinkie sprouted up between Twilight and Celestia’s loose embrace with a wild grin on her face. “Yep! I got to ride shotgun!”

Rarity looked aghast.  “You mean you weren’t drugged? Then why did you go along with it?!”

“And miss out on camp? I can’t wait for the tour!”

“Speaking of which,” said Celestia, “we’d better get started before it gets too dark.”

“Now hold yer apples, Princess!” said Applejack, trotting in front of Celestia with a stubborn gleam in her eye. “Flimsy evidence or no, you’re askin’ us to put an entire week of our life on hold just to go through yer harebrained therapy session. I’m sorry, but not even royalty can do that with no advance notice!”

Everypony began talking at once.

“Good heavens, that reminds me! I’ve been invited to Canterlot for Lord Fancypants’s latest soiree! I was going to show all his guests my autumn fashion line! I simply can’t pass up an opportunity like that!”



“And in case y’all have forgotten, I’ve got a buckin’ farm to run! It ain’t the kinda thing thatchya can just up an’ leave without some preparation!”


“I’ve got to look after Spike!  Does he even know where I am?”

“There’s a Wonderbolts tryout in two days! I’ve been training all summer for it!”

“And who’s going to take care of my animals?”

“Maybe I should’ve had the drugged tea. Was it tasty?”

Celestia straightened up and cleared her throat, silencing everypony. “I understand your concerns, and I assure you I’ve attended to them. Fluttershy, my own royal fauna specialists are staying at your cottage as we speak, making sure your animals are being tended to.  Applejack, I’ve contacted your old hoofball team and asked them to help out at the farm in your absence.  Several of them were available and delighted to help. That will be especially important with your brother’s—Big Macintosh’s—absence.  Rarity, unfortunately Lord Fancypants’s party will have to be rescheduled; I can hardly imagine that it can go forth without the host.  Likewise, the Wonderbolts tryout will have to be suspended while the team searches for their missing teammate, Soarin’.  Twilight, there’s no need to worry about Spike, since he’s not at the library anymore.  And Pinkie, of course not, the tea was horrible as usual.  And if you’re curious, which I suppose you aren’t, I did inform the Cakes of the situation and got one of the royal guards to fill in at the bakery for your absence.”

There was silence as the girls tried to process this bizarre slab of information. Twilight spoke first.

“Princess Celestia, you’re not saying you don’t like tea are you?”

Rainbow Dash cleared her throat. “I think the bigger question is, what exactly happened to Spike, Soarin’, Fancypants, and Big Macintosh?”

“Don’t forget Shining Armor, Rainbow Dash,” said Celestia. “He’s missing too.”

“And Shining Armor. Is this all related?”

“I’m glad you asked! It just so happens that I’ve also abducted the gentlecolts, and dragon, in question so that they can begin their straight therapy too.”

“Wha-huh?! My brother isn’t gay! He’s happily married to your niece!”

Celestia coughed and muttered “Beard!” very loudly.

“Excuse me, Princess?”

“Sorry Twilight. I just have a habit of saying the word beard whenever somepony mentions a stallion who obviously married to conceal his homosexuality.”

“As interesting as this is,” said Rarity sourly, “for what purpose could you possibly have to victimize these fine stallions, and poor helpless Spikey-Wikey too?  You told us that our treatment was specifically to ensure we’d remain in tune with the Elements of Harmony, and that there’s nothing wrong with variant sexual lifestyles besides that!”

“And it is. And there isn’t. For mares, anyway. Gay stallions go to ‘Pony Hell,’ Rarity. In my wisdom as Princess, I decreed this long ago.”



“Right,” muttered Rarity sarcastically. “‘Pony Hell.’ Makes perfect sense.”

“Don’t worry, little ponies. I can’t oversee their treatment personally, since even with Twilight’s help, my time will have to be devoted to you completely.  And I can’t allow you to visit them just yet. Because of the well-documented effectiveness of my treatment, any one of you might suddenly become heterosexual at any moment, and if it happens in the presence of a stallion...” she giggled girlishly. “I wouldn’t want something to happen that you might later regret.  Nonetheless, I’ve sought out the foremost expert in the field of pseudo-scientific conversion therapy, so rest assured that the boys are in capable hooves.”

*****

One by one, they groaned and rose. The powerful, ruggedly handsome red earth pony. The sleek, agile Wonderbolt. The dashing, sophisticated white unicorn. The tall and determined guard pony. And the chubby little purple-and-green baby dragon.

“Wh...where are we?” asked Soarin’ in confusion. They seemed to be in a tiny clearing in the middle of a night-darkened forest. They could barely see anything in front of them. The wind whispered ominously through the trees.

“Land’s sake,” said Fancypants, squinting into the gloom. “If I didn’t know better, I’d say that we’ve all been drugged and dumped, unattended, in the midst of an untamed forest!”

“Eeeyup,” agreed Big Macintosh somberly. A twig snapped in the distance.

“Wh-what’s going on? Did anypony else hear that?” Spike was shivering, so Big Macintosh gave him a quiet look, patting the dragon on the top of his spines. It seemed to calm him down a little.

Shining Armor’s steely gaze ran across the perimeter of the clearing. “I hate to say it, fellas, but there’s pretty much only one explanation for this. One of my bosses is pranking me again, and decided to drag all of you into it.”

The rustling of the undergrowth grew louder, and seemed to be coming nearby. Spike jumped when he noticed. The others looked nervous as well. “Sh-should we be... frightened?”

“Oh buck yes,” said Shining Armor wryly. “But we’ll probably be fine once she’s had her fun.” He cleared his throat. “Alright, Princess Celestia! Or Princess Luna! You got us good, now come out and rib us like you’ve been dying to!”

There was no response. They heard heavy hoofsteps and the loud snapping of bushes that could only come from a massive creature.

“Alright,” said Shining with a frown. “Not even they would go this far. I’m beginning to think we could actually be in danger. Everypony, get behind me!”

Fancypants and Spike both seemed happy to do just that, but Soarin’ stepped to Shining Armor’s side with a devil-may-care grin. “I think it’s do or die, guard. And when you’re a Wonderbolt, you always do!”

Big Mac stepped to Shining Armor’s other side, a determined look on his face. “Eeyup.”

The crashing sound grew closer and more frantic. The three brave stallions prepared themselves for whatever ghoulish devices the forest might have to throw at them.  Soon they could see the barest silhouette of a horned and bestial monstrosity, larger than any of them.

Steeling themselves, the three stood their ground.

With a terrible rumble, the beast spoke.

“Iron Will has a plan...TO MAKE YOU A MAN!”

*****

The tour was brief enough, though few of the ponies paid any attention to it, either trapped within their own murky thoughts, or, in Pinkie’s case, trying to capture fireflies. Princess Celestia suggested that they all go to bed early to get the drugs out of their system, and retired back to her office with Twilight in tow.

“I’m afraid there was a little mix up at the delivery service,” Celestia explained, after they had prepared for their slumber. “I ordered a bed for you, but it never came. In the end, I decided not to complain about it, since my bed is easily big enough for both of us.”



“Wha- really?!” Twilight’s mouth lit up with delight, but then she forcibly swallowed her enthusiasm. “Princess, I wouldn’t want to impose on you. We’re both grown mares now... and we need our privacy.”

“Oh, nonsense, Twilight! Remember when I used to read to you to in my bedroom when you were a filly, and you’d doze off in bed with me? Give an old mare a bit of nostalgia, at least until we get this sorted out.”

“Haha, yes Princess, of course.” Twilight giggled rather nervously, and skittishly approached the bed, right up until Celestia nudged her in. In another moment she felt the Princess’s heavy mass beside her, while strong hooves embraced her and brought her to rest against a snowy white chest.

“I should warn you though, recently I’ve gotten a bit grabby in my sleep.”

In the next moment, Twilight felt the Princess’s heated breath against her ear, sending a chill down her back despite the incredible warmth.  “And tongy.”

Twilight flinched.

The night was sleepless and awkward for exactly one pony.

II

The pre-dawn was cold enough to chill a pony’s bones.

Rainbow Dash landed on the cabin’s roof and was shocked when she almost slipped off of the iced surface. Tossing one last snort at the frosted slope, she glided to the earth where nothing would betray her hooves. As she floated down along the cottage wall, she sought to peek in through the foggy window at her friends, who were no doubt sleeping soundly through the predawn. She couldn’t see them through the misted window.

Finding her way back to the shed behind the cabin, Rainbow Dash returned to the large supply of firewood. The logs were thrice Dash’s length and too cumbersome to be brought in easily, but the pegasus didn’t care as she seized the topmost one off the stack. Months of rivalry with Applejack had served her well, easing the strain of dragging the heavy length across the sludge and dirt. Though her strength prevailed, her hooves could only grip vaguely at its surface, and without all four legs on the ground, her pulling power was reduced. More than once her cargo slipped out of her grasp.

Few pegasi could boast Rainbow Dash’s fitness. She was barely panting when she got the huge log to the fireplace.

Once she was done congratulating herself on being awesome, she realized the log would never fit into the pit.

Her breathing was growing heavy when she finished pulling the log back to the shed and shoving it onto a worktable. Still she was confident that she could have repeated the feat several times before needing a rest.

A little exercise would only help her. She was determined that her friends wake to the warmth of a fire, and not from the noise of her work.

Staring at the log, she focused her inner chi and found balance and peace in her surroundings. Few would believe that brash and boisterous Rainbow Dash would have mastered the structured and focused art of Karate. It was however, a necessary contrast from her frantic and fast-paced life that she cherished.

Her body and mind met and concurred that she was ready. Faster than the eye could blink, her hoof slammed down on the waiting log.

Her flesh went numb from the impact. Rainbow could only enjoy the lack of sensation for a moment before it was replaced with pain.

“Oww,” she whimpered. A tear fell down her cheek.

The log had barely been dented.

Her frustration at her failure came with the relief that nopony else would witness her shame. There was nothing left to do but crawl back into her bed before anypony else awoke, and pretend she had never gotten out of bed.

When she turned to leave she noticed the wood axe hanging on the inside of the door.

Twenty minutes and an aching mouth later, Rainbow was carrying a manageable load of firewood back into the cabin on her back. It was secured with a thick rope, which she had scavenged from within the shed, once she had remembered that paying attention can be helpful.

She brought her prize to the fireplace in the common room and stacked it in a neat rectangle in the middle of the pit.

She flitted back to a chair and sat, waiting.

After a few minutes she began tapping a hoof on the floor.

She didn’t have to do this. The familiar joy of sleeping in past noon was loads better than working her hooves raw to kickstart a fire. Working the weather of Equestria meant a life of flying amidst the freezing clouds and even resting her haunches on them, never wearing more than her own fur coat. She didn’t get cold.

Her friends weren’t nearly as radical as Rainbow Dash. Fluttershy in particular was a wuss. They needed her.

Rainbow toiled for her friends. She didn’t need their gratitude. She just didn’t want them to get cold.

She eventually returned to the fireplace, scooped up the chopped logs, and rearranged them. They now leaned against each other in a pyramid-like structure. Dash returned to her chair and watched them impatiently.

She decided to try stacking them in a pony shape. As she returned to the fireplace to undo her work, Fluttershy spoke from behind her.

“Oh, good morning Rainbow Dash. I didn’t expect you of all ponies to be up this early.  But I’m really glad you are.”

Still focused on her work, Rainbow didn’t turn around.

Fluttershy began nuzzling her shoulder, which caused the pony-shaped stack of wood to collapse just as it was nearly complete.

“Are you making a fire for everypony? Oh Rainbow that’s so thoughtful of you. I think that’s the best thing about you, you’re always looking out for your friends.”

Rainbow cleared her throat grumpily.

“Oh no, am I bothering you? I’m so sorry, I’ll just let you work and we can talk when you’re done. If you want to, I mean.”

Rainbow Dash completed the stack for the third time and returned to her place, leaving the chair for Fluttershy. The other pony ignored it in favor of snuggling up against Rainbow.

“I was worried we wouldn’t get any time to ourselves,” said Fluttershy, adding a pleasant purr to her meek voice. “Not that I don’t like spending time with everypony else, of course, but all this business about us being ponynapped is so disconcerting. I can’t even pretend to understand why the princess is doing this.  You don’t think she’ll break us up, do you?”

“Nah,” said Rainbow gruffly. “To do that she’d need the royal guard, Princess Luna, and the Wonderbolts.  And it still wouldn’t work.”

Fluttershy giggled. “When you say it like that, I believe it. We’ll just fake it until she lets us go I guess.” She leaned her head against Dash’s shoulder. “It’s going to be hard pretending though, even if it’s only in front of her.”

“Uh-huh,” agreed Rainbow Dash, who was still fixated on the fireplace.

She felt Fluttershy’s muzzle against her neck and touched her yellow face. Fluttershy let out an agreeable murmur, but her face was soon nudged away. Dash scooted away and resumed her vigil on the listless pile of wood, not seeing the hurt look on Fluttershy’s face.

“Do you want to umm... go flying later?” Fluttershy asked through obvious hesitation.

“Nah,” grunted Rainbow Dash. “I’d rather train on my own.”

“Sorry, you already told me that. Still, maybe we could umm... spend some together later? Maybe?”

“What would we do?”

“Well... we could go on a nature walk and make friends with all the cute little animals.  I’ve never been in these woods before, and I’d feel much safer if you were there to protect me.”

“Don’t you still have that restraining order or something?”

“Oh that’s right. It won’t expire for another two months, and that’s assuming the Bunny Coalition can’t get it renewed.”  After Fluttershy’s misbehavior at the Gala, the woodland creatures in the royal gardens had brought a suit against her in royal court. Though they were successful in completely disbarring the pegasus from animal stewardship, Princess Celestia had intervened and amended the court’s ruling so that the Element of Kindness could at least continue her practice within Ponyville limits.

“Well, maybe just a romantic walk then?”

“I’d rather fly,” said Rainbow Dash, still not looking at her.

“Well,” said Fluttershy, in what began in a seductive tone. “We could always find some time alone and then umm...” At that point her squeaking had become so quiet that she was completely inaudible.

“What was that Shy?”

“It’s okay if you’re not ready, and we haven’t really discussed this before, but since we’ve been dating two months now, I was wondering if you were thinking about...” Again Fluttershy couldn’t bring herself to finish her sentence in a way that left anypony with a chance of comprehending it.

“Fluttershy can this wait? I don’t want to miss the fire igniting.”

“Sorry Rainbow! We can talk about that later... or maybe never, never’s always... wait, what?”

“Any idea how long it usually takes? I’ve probably got time for a nap if it’s going to be more than an hour.”

Fluttershy started laughing. Rainbow turned and shot her a glare.

“Oh Rainbow, I know I shouldn’t laugh but that’s not how you start a fire! I’m so sorry.”

Rainbow smirked and looked back to the wood with complete assurance. “Of course it is! You get enough dry wood in one place, and wait until the lightning hits it, either manually or through wild weather. Every year we fly over to Whitetail with a cloud and hit it with lightning to keep the overgrowth down. I spent a half hour in the air making sure the conditions were right, now I’ve just got to let whatever enchantments the unicorns put on this chimney do the work and attract that lightning.”

“Yes Rainbow,” said Fluttershy calming down and affixing a soothing tone. “You’re very well educated and a great weather pony. But Cloudsdale University is like most sky academies in that its science courses don’t teach students about ground-based phenomena. It’s getting to be a problem in our economy now that weather ponies are finding themselves unable to transfer their skills to other careers.”

Jerking her gaze away from the firepit, Rainbow Dash stared at Fluttershy, completely bewildered. “Ground... based phenomena?”

Standing up, Fluttershy approached a supply closet and pulled out a tin with a red label and a book of matches. Opening it up she scooped out a pulpy substance and began smearing it onto the firewood. “This is amadou,” she said. “It’s a natural flammable made from fungus.”

“Wha?”

“See, just put a little on the top, and then you can light it.” She plucked a match from the book. “This is a match.”

“Wha?!”

“Just strike it against the book like so...” Fluttershy followed her own instructions and lit the match with one stroke. “And here you’ve got a nice teeny little fire. Now, see what happens when you toss it in the pit.”

Fluttershy tossed the match atop the wooden pile and watched it burst into flame.

Rainbow was momentarily speechless. “That. Was. Awesome!” was all she could say at last.

Fluttershy trotted over to Rainbow Dash and closed her eyes, leaning ever so subtly forward. Rainbow began leaning forward as well, but at the sound of hooves coming down the staircase she abruptly shoved Fluttershy away, looking everywhere but at her feathered counterpart.

“And here I thought I’d be the first pony up,” said Applejack as she entered from the communal bedroom. “What are y’all up to?”

“Nothing!” Rainbow looked away with a frown. “Well I was trying to start a fire for everypony but then Fluttershy—”

“Rainbow started a fire for everypony! She’s so thoughtful, isn’t she?”

“Hah!  Good goin’ Dash.”  She trotted up to the blue pegasus and patted her roughly on the back.  “And here ah thought Shy was the only pegasus with her hooves on the floor.  We’ll make a ground-pounder out of you yet!”

“Hah, well you know me. I’m basically a genius. Besides, who needs a degree when you’re The Dash? Fires come begging to be started.”

“Modest too,” Applejack added with a chuckle. “How ‘bout I make this mornin’ complete with a lil’ breakfast?”

“BREAKFAST!” came the roar from the top of the stairs.

Before Applejack had time to react, a pink blur zipped down the stairs, and the ghaling contrails snatched the hat clear off her head. As it drifted down, Pinkie Pie paused, rewound, and swiped the stetson out thin air, placing it on her own head.

“Which one of you said food?” demanded Pinkie Pie with Applejack’s stetson perched loosely atop her poofy mane.

Applejack snatched her hat back and smiled. “C’mon, let’s go assess our pantry situation. Seein’ as you’re the only one besides me who knows how to cook, y’may as well help.”

*****

Having no place in the kitchen, Rainbow Dash let the others work their magic. Pinkie stirred up some batter while Applejack heated a griddle over the open blaze, and in no time at all the two served everypony with a heaping plate of blueberry flapjacks.

“Soup's on!” Applejack shouted up the stairs. “Git yer little white flank down here or Pinkie’s gittin’ yer share!”

Eventually, the calls managed to rouse Rarity. The mirror from afternoon floated before her, capturing her attention as she came down the stairs. “Can you not reheat them for me, dear?  I’m doing what I can, but looking fabulous with such limited supplies is difficult even for me!”

“Ain’t got the facilities,” announced Applejack cheerfully. “Eat up, and let me or Pinkie know if you want seconds.”

Rainbow Dash and the others sat down to eat, but their contented silence fell into a peculiar unease.

Rainbow cleared her throat. “So what’s the buckin’ deal anyway? The Elements of Harmony don’t work for queers? They’ve worked fine so far!”

“Well, the matter is rather simple when you really think about it,” said Rarity as she cut her pancakes into delicate little squares. “Our Princess is a politician. And we as the Elements of Harmony are tools. The six of us would be perfect pawns for an interlocked scheme of arranged marriages... but we have to become acceptable brides first, don’t we?”

“Oh no Rarity! you can’t be serious!” Fluttershy looked horrified.

“I know, that’s like six parties! That’s got to be the best news since I heard we were going to camp!”

“Sounds pretty dastardly... if that were what this is really about. The Princess is just tryin’ to get me to admit I’m gay! And it ain’t gonna work! Soon as I find the right stallion, I’m marryin’ who I choose!”

“She’s probably trying to get her revenge for Philomena— I did say that I was sorry, didn’t I?”

Rainbow Dash cleared her throat. “Nah, I’ve got a pretty good idea of what’s really going on.”

Everypony quieted down to listen to her.

“See, I’ve heard some strange rumors that I never really put much weight on. But now that we’re here it’s kind of obvious.”

The room seemed to darken as Rainbow Dash brandished her most intimidating grin.

“Princess Celestia—” here she paused “—is actually a great big futa, and she’s jealous of our adorable lesbian relationships, and how they threaten her gigantic—”

“Rainbow! Not in front of Pinkie!”

“Sorry Rare.”

Fluttershy’s wings, meanwhile, betrayed their owner and crept to an upright position. She blushed as she glanced back at them, but nopony was paying her any attention.

“So what about you Pinkie Pie?” Rainbow smirked. “I bet you’ve got some crazy theory about why Celestia’s doing all this.”

“I’ll tell you later. Right now I want to hear Twilight’s theory.”

“Oh come on. Twilight’s not going to badmouth the Princess. Right now she’s probably trying to convince herself that she’s straight and doesn’t have that crush she’s been harboring forever, just because the princess said so. If Celestia asked her student to wipe her royal flank, she’d probably ask permission to use her tongue.”

At that point Rainbow Dash noticed that Pinkie’s hoof had been pointing behind her ever since she spoke. Dash turned around.

Twilight Sparkle stood at the doorway, eyes misted over with tears.

“You’re right Rainbow Dash,” she said weakly. “I do have a lot of respect for the Princess. After everything she’s done, and everything she’s taught all of us, I can’t imagine thinking of her in any other light. Just like I can’t... can’t imagine how you all could sit here and say those things about her.”

“Ah c’mon Twilight, we’re all feelin’ a little—”

In a blast of purple magic, Twilight vanished.

“Horseapples,” spat Applejack. Rarity had already covered Pinkie’s ears in anticipation of the vulgarity.

In another moment Twilight had teleported back into the living room. “I almost forgot, I came here to tell you that when you’ve finished breakfast, Celestia has asked everypony to come to the group therapy cabin for our first session.” Before anypony could respond the unicorn had vanished once more.

“Alright,” said Applejack with a sigh. “Guess we’d better get these dishes clean and then we can—”

POOF. Twilight appeared again. “By the way Rainbow Dash, she’s not a futa. I used to sleep in her bed when I was a filly, and once I got curious and checked.”

Rainbow Dash blinked. And there it was.

“Twilight would ya just—”

SWOOF.

Sadly, the five remaining friends cleaned up and began filing out the door. Rainbow Dash was last, and once outside she found Applejack waiting for her against a backdrop of frozen wheat fields.

“We can’t take this sittin’ down Dash. I don’t know what the Princess is up to, but she’s driving us apart. Twi’s never gonna go against anythin’ she says, and it’s tearin’ her up inside. Plain as day.”

“I’m not gonna take it Applejack. I’m gonna get to the bottom of this.”

“What do we do?”

*****

Their meeting place was a clearing outside the recreation center with a great oak for shade. Despite the chill of autumn, Celestia’s presence gave the clearing the fresh warmth of spring. And despite the dim light of day, the night seemed just around the corner as Dash joined the circle.

Both princesses awaited Dash and her friends.

“I do not think I need to introduce Princess Luna,” said Celestia after everypony had gathered on the grass before her, “but redundancy is the first obstacle towards democratic reform! Joining us for today’s therapy will be the co-ruler of Equestria, Thyme’s most influential mare of the year, Equesire’s third sexiest mare alive, me being first and second, and retired night-spawned menace to civilization. Of course I like to call her ‘little sis.’”

Luna, who had been waiting to speak and staring severely ahead, opened her mouth, but was interrupted by Celestia.

“And because I wish to foster a close group mentality between us, you may call her that as well. Even though it makes no sense.”

“Hiya little sis,” said Pinkie, jumping to a sitting position from where she had been rolling around in the grass.

“GREETINGS PINKIE PIE,” said Luna, her attention converging on the pink pony. She crouched down to level their heights and spoke in a booming whisper. “Though if we might be so bold, we prefer you refer to us as—”

“The reason I called Luna here,” spoke Celestia above the blizzard, shooting a warning look at Luna. “Is to deliver and explain the use of a set of devices that will greatly aid in your treatment. Yes Twilight?”

Twilight returned her hoof to the ground. “Can we just call her Princess Luna?”

“If you must. Do you wish to proceed, little sis?”

Luna scowled and retrieved a mid-sized, unmarked box from behind the oak tree. Opening it, she brought out six identical objects that hovered towards each of them on wings of magic.  Rainbow gripped one of them in her hooves and looked it over. It was about seven or eight inches in length, with a thin metal body that tapered to a gentle point on one end. The other end had a rubber handle with a switch and various settings.

Looking up, Rainbow noticed Rarity staring at the princesses in shock and disbelief. “No.  No.  You’re not seriously going to-”

“THESE ARE THE ROYAL RE-SEXUALIZATION GADGETS!” boomed Luna. “They are completely safe, highly effective, and yours to keep! Instructions on their use are as follows...” Luna trailed off, staring in disbelief at Pinkie.

Pinkie had already switched hers on, and from the loud buzzing emanating from the object it seemed she was utilizing the highest setting.  Wielding it in her mouth she leapt upon Rarity and poked in her in the neck with the tip of the makeshift weapon, causing the unicorn to yelp loudly.

Rarity shot back a glare that could have shattered a magic force field.

“It. Is. On.” Rarity declared, and levitated her own metal rod into the air.

A quick defensive slash skillfully parried Pinkie’s next strike. Seeing Rarity’s swift checkmate, Pinkie took a step back, and raised her weapon in a toned Kenjutsu pose. Where she had learned it, Rainbow had no idea. Nevertheless, Rarity leaned forward in response, posing her blade above her head in a classic Poste di Falcone.

An active duel had erupted between the two. The two ponies stood on opposite planes of existence; one hung in uncharacteristic stillness, while her counterpart contained her emotions within an alabaster shell.

And then one of them lunged.

Rarity moved with precision, graceful curves tracing each of her motions. The two masters disappeared beneath a blur of pink and alabaster flashes. But Rarity’s timed strokes were no match for Pinkie’s wild and reckless abandon.

Soon Rarity was helpless and lying on her stomach, as Pinkie used the humming object to put gentle yet firm pressure on her withers.

Rarity cascaded into giggles. “Ooh Pinkie Pie! I surrender I surrender!” Pinkie turned off her device and began climbing off of Rarity, only to receive a cold look. “That didn’t mean stop,” clarified the unicorn.  Pinkie again dove onto Rarity’s back, and rolled her blade down the unicorn’s length, eliciting a long moan in response.

Rainbow and the others tried hard looking everywhere but into each others eyes. Fluttershy slapped her wings down.

Luna and Celestia seemed unfazed, yet keenly interested. Their speech had been interrupted, the pegasus recalled.

Rainbow turned her gaze back to the action. It didn’t matter.

“Bravo,” said Luna, her stony expression collapsing into a warm smile. “Your friends Pinkie and Rarity have expertly divined the purpose of this device.  Observe most carefully how they use these toys to engage in friendly, platonic play during which all homosexual thoughts are forgotten. PINKIE, WHEN YOU ARE FINISHED WITH HER I DESIRE A TURN!”

“Of course,” continued Celestia. “You do not require a partner to use the re-sexualization gadget. In fact, its primary purpose is... when you’re alone...” Celestia leaned closer to her audience. “Listen very carefully my ponies. The next time you feel attracted to another mare, and nopony is around to help distract you from it, I want you to keep those thoughts in your head and focus on them. As you do so, turn the gadget on to whatever setting you’re comfortable with, and apply it to the area most affected until those confusing and disturbing feelings are replaced with an utmost satisfaction.”

Twilight was taking notes and glanced up from her scroll. “Princess, what do you mean by the ‘area most affected?’

Celestia gave her student a sly smile. “You’ll understand when the time comes.”

Applejack, meanwhile, was turning her re-sexualization gadget about in her hooves, squinting at it from different angles. “Say Princess, how does this contraption work anyway? Is it gonna hurt?”

Celestia shook her head. “Of course not Applejack. While the original device applied a mild shock to achieve deterrence, Luna and I made it clear to the development teams that a product that caused pain or even discomfort wasn’t acceptable. We’ve done extensive research, both personally and among test groups of stallions and mares alike facing the very issues that you confront today. Each participant have reported immense relief after a two-week test period. It turns out that a mild pleasurable sensation can be even more effective than an electric-aversion device.”

Then Princess Celestia leaned towards Applejack and winked. “Of course, if you’ve experimented with all the settings and feel like you still need something with that little extra kick, come see me in my office. I still have the original shock-inducing prototypes.”

“So why did you give me one?” asked Twilight nervously.

Celestia sighed. “Twilight, your friends are all fags. It’s only a matter of time until they try to turn you too, and you’ll need something to defend yourself.”

“So what should I do... use it to try to beat them off? Of me?”

“Only with their consent Twilight.”

The others were snickering, but Rainbow Dash felt the blood heating in her chest as she stalked up to confront Princess Celestia.

“Hold it Princess! Why do you keep saying that? I expected better than homophobic slurs from the pony I’m trusting to rule this nation!”

“What Rainbow Dash? Oh... did you think I was... no no no, I was using that word in the archaic sense, not the modern. I would never use slang in front of my sister, it frightens her.”

“What kind of bucking logic is-”

“Attention everypony,” interrupted Celestia. “I have a grave announcement. Our intelligence reports suggest that although Queen Chrysalis and her minions were blasted into the sky, they have recently reassembled for another attack.”

Keen on the conversation, Luna raised her head. “BECAUSE SOMEPONY THOUGHT THAT SCATTERING A BUNCH OF CHANGELINGS ACROSS THE LAND WHERE THEY COULDN’T BE TRACKED AND COULD EASILY RE-INFILTRATE EQUESTRIAN SOCIETY WAS THE BEST WAY TO HANDLE THE SITUATION.” She lowered her head again with a sigh of pleasure. Both Rarity and Pinkie Pie were on her back now, driving their throbbing gadgets into her taut muscles.

“Well, I did dock Shining Armor’s pay and Princess Cadence’s royal stipend, and they’re both very sorry that they dealt with the threat in a way that didn’t actually mitigate it. But that doesn’t change the facts. Little ponies, your therapy can’t be rushed and I know the rehabilitation process takes time. But when Chrysalis pops up again, and it could be any day now, I’d really, really like there to be a great, big, heterosexual beam of magical rainbow power with which to hit her in the face.”

Celestia’s wings spread out. “No pressure though.  Anyway, I must take care of some affairs of state. Luna and Twilight are in charge until I get back. Farewell, my little ponies.”

In a streak of glorious light, Princess Celestia flew away. Rainbow lost sight of her in a mere second.

Rainbow Dash held up her resexualization gadget and waved it incredulously at her friends. “Girls, is it just me or is this whole thing really, really gay?”

Pinkie and Rarity looked up from where they were massaging Luna, and everypony save Twilight and Luna affirmed.

“Still,” said Applejack, tucking the device into her mane, “I’ll just hang on to this anyhow.  I’ve got a feelin’ that it has heterosexual applications as well.”

“No no Rainbow Dash, you don’t understand! The point of these exercises is to make us straight!” Twilight galloped about her friends and looked at each of them with increasing worry. As Twilight approached Rainbow Dash, the pegasus noticed the dark circles underneath her friend’s eyes.

“Uhh, Twilight, did you sleep okay last night?”

“Twilight, we’re all with you. And we’ll go along with what the Princess wants, seein’ as how we ain’t got much choice. But you’ve got to admit that it seems like the princess isn’t bein’ level with us!”

“Umm... did she say anything to you Twilight? You’re the one closest to her... if you want to talk about what’s going on,” said Fluttershy.

Twilight grinned. It was all teeth and no humor. “You don’t understand girls. None of you understand! The princess is not lying... sometimes she works in elusive ways, but it’s all true.”

She began pacing back and forth, consulting her notes. Her combed mane fell out of place and became unhinged. “Let’s see, uh, she must mean that, er, if we don’t all become heterosexual... then the Elements will turn us into bundles of sticks! No one’s documented extended exposure to them—who knows what will happen? But Celestia knows. She’s never wrong!”

Pinkie leaned over and whispered to Rarity. “Is Twilight gonna use mind control on everypony again?”

Rarity nodded grimly.

“Twilight!” Applejack said, putting a firm hoof on her shoulder. “Listen to yourself for a minute! We all respect Princess Celestia, but that don’t mean we shouldn’ question her behavior when it’s called for.”

Twilight shivered. “Of course you can’t question The Princess!  She’s The Princess! In the time it’s taking us to have this argument, we could all have had three heterosexual experiences instead!”

Twilight crawled over to Luna, grinning awfully with bulging eyes. “You can back me up, can’t you, Princess Luna? Nopony can argue with The Princess . . .”

“TWILIGHT SPARKLE,” said Luna with quiet ice. “QUELL THY RAMBLING AT ONCE. There are two princesses.”  Rarity and Pinkie ceased their massage and watched in horror. Luna turned their gaze on them. “That did not mean stop,” she said, her voice much kinder.

Twilight gulped and fell on her rump as she backed away from Luna. Still, she kept grinning. Alright, fine. Guess I’m all alone. I thought it might come to this. So I devised a spell to make us all straight, myself included. It’s the only way to save Equestria!”

Rainbow Dash stepped forward and confronted her friend. “Stop it Twilight!  You can’t turn to mind control every time you have a problem!”

“Of course I can, Rainbow Dash,” Twilight said cheerfully as she began to froth at the mouth.  “Mind control is the solution to everything!  Hold still girls, this might sting a little!”

Twilight’s horn flashed a blinding purple, arcing out in bolts of magic that overcame vision and encroached on sanity and will.  Rainbow tried to flee but found that she couldn’t. For the briefest moment she felt an unstoppable force battering her conscious, and then—

“Haha, no,” said Luna without an ounce of humor in her voice.

In another moment the midnight goddess’s horn shone with the void of midnight, spreading icy, cackling shadows outward to lap up Twilight’s powerful magic and make rude slurping noises. The pressure stopped, and Rainbow Dash immediately felt blessed with relief.  Once no trace of Twilight’s power was left, the horde of animate shades rushed back towards it’s mistress, leaping into the princess’s horn and mane.

Twilight wavered on her hooves, visibly weakened by the summary negation of her power. “Why’d you make me stop, Princess?” she asked, still with that mad grin. “Did I do the spell wrong? Let me try again, I’ll get it right this time, I promise.”

Luna stood up.

Pinkie and Rarity both had the good sense to hop down.

The midnight sovereign sauntered over to Twilight, overpowering gaze locked on the stunned student. She stopped perhaps a foot away. While the small unicorn seemed very much as though she wanted to make eye contact, she apparently wasn’t able to visually locate Luna.

“Twilight,” said Luna quietly.

“Yehuh?”

“THIS!”

Luna seized Twilight up roughly and closed her eyes as she kissed the unicorn roughly on the lips.  After a few moments, she pulled away, deposited Twilight back on the ground, and swallowed.

“Mmm.... shthat, red wine I taste? Has a snare to it...” Twilight concluded her statement by falling onto her back, gasping weakly, and then drooling in the grass as her eyes fell closed.

“Oh no!” screamed Pinkie Pie, jumping about hysterically. “Luna killed Twilight with her sexiness!”

Rainbow Dash rushed over to her fallen friend, barely keeping her own composure.  She knelt down beside the prone unicorn and found that while unconscious, the unicorn breathed normally.

She looked up and found her face inches away from the imposing Princess Luna.

“TWILIGHT SHALL RECOVER,” announced Luna. “BIG SIS ALWAYS DID WONDER WHY WE LACE OUR LIPSTICK WITH A SEDATIVE. THE STYLE FADED IN THE FIRST CENTURY, YOU SEE. IF SHE ONLY SAW HOW MANY CRISES HAVE BEEN AVERTED IN THIS WAY.”

Luna lifted Twilight and deposited the unconscious unicorn on her back.

“Luna,” said Rainbow Dash as the princess began to leave the group. “How about you tell us what’s going on?”

“No comment,” replied Luna. Rainbow had a feeling the night princess was smiling, though she was faced away.  

Luna began walking away again, but she stopped. “By the way,” she said, voice—comparatively—soft but perfectly clear. “Please don’t blame Twilight for her actions. It seems to me that a lack of sleep has affected her judgement.  WE HAVE EXPERIENCED IT MANY TIMES OURSELF. Big sis mentioned something about her bed failing to be delivered?”

“Oh, don’t worry about it,” said Fluttershy with a wave. “We’re used to this by now.”

“I see. REGARDLESS, SLEEP DEPRIVATION IS NO CAVALIER MATTER. My sister will not object if we place your friend in her bed, especially when she isn’t using it. WE WILL ENSURE HER SLEEP IS RESTFUL, AND ENTRUST THE REST OF YOU WITH YOUR OWN MATTERS UNTIL CELESTIA RETURNS.”

With Luna gone, Rainbow Dash pulled Applejack close.

“It’s time to get to the bottom of this,” she murmured.

“Ah’m worried about Twilight.”

“I am, too. If we’re going to help her, we need answers.”

“Ooh umm... are you two plotting clandestine activities? C-can I maybe... help out?”

Rainbow looked up, recognizing Fluttershy’s voice.

“Stay here,” Dash said, motioning for Applejack to walk with her. “You’d only slow us down.”

Applejack glared at Rainbow Dash, then flashed the crestfallen Fluttershy a tender look. “Why don’t you go check on Twi? Make sure she gets enough sleep and all.”

“Oh. Yes, I can do that.” Fluttershy brightened up a little. “She’ll be so embarrassed when she wakes up and finds out she went temporarily insane again. I’m sure she’ll like it if somepony else is there to talk with her.”

*****

“Rainbow, I ain’t one to tell you how to run yer mare, but what’s the deal between you and Shy?”

The two friends were creeping through the rustling woods, staying low to the underbrush.  There was a perfectly good path leading from their side of the camp to that of the stallion’s, but they had agreed to avoid open ground during their covert operation.

“Me and Shy?  Eh, we’re fine.”

“Rainbow, don’t just brush it off.  She tells me she’s gettin’ sexually aggressive in her sleep again.  I think she’s starved for attention!”

“Oh yeah, that’s true.  But don’t worry, we solved that problem.  We sleep in different beds now.”

“Dash!”

“What?  C’mon, Applejack, I’m not into that mushy stuff.  Just because she’s my marefriend doesn’t mean I have to spend every second making out with her.”

“Fine.  At least promise me you’ll talk to her about it.  Promise me you’ll keep her happy.”

“Uh-huh, I promise.  You worry too much, she’s fine.”

Applejack didn’t seem particularly satisfied but she failed to press the issue as she pulled aside a low hanging branch and she and Dash stepped into open ground.

In order to get answers, they had agreed they would need to make contact with those that they had specifically been forbidden from coming into contact with—the males in the camp.  Now they had arrived at their destination.

The buildings were arranged differently, but the basic functions seemed to be identical. The office was locked when they tried to enter it. A dormitory attracted their attention next, but they found empty. Next to that stood a shower and supply shed that they had ignored.

At last they came to the recreation room. They heard voices inside and slowed their pace.

“Princess Celestia never told us who their therapist is,” whispered Applejack.  “We’d better be careful.”

Rainbow snorted. “When you put it that way, it makes me want to just barge in! But we’re here for information, so let’s try and eavesdrop.”

They found a small ground-floor window and leaned their forelegs on the sill.  Inside the occupants were all seated with their backs to the two spying mares.  On a couch sat Iron Will with Spike and Big Macintosh.  Soarin, Shining Armor, and Lord Fancypants had recliners to themselves.

The boy’s attentions were locked on a flaring television. Everypony was drinking apple cider from cans, save for Spike who drank orange juice.

“That’s corruption of a minor,” whispered Applejack harshly. “How’s that poor boy supposed to grow up to be a gigantic rampagin’ monster without any apples in his diet?!”

“Quiet! Listen!”

“See,” said Soarin pointing at the screen. “The issue’s not with Quicksilver’s style. Her turns are a bit on the mechanical side, but her moves are exceedingly precise and original. I think the aerobatics community recognizes her unique contribution. What you’re actually seeing is the Trottingham judge hosing her to pave the way for his home team’s champion.”

“Eeyup,” said Big Macintosh somberly.

“She was cool!” said Spike. “I would have given her a ten.”

“Seems a crass and unwise strategy. After all,” said Fancypants slyly, “will the other judges not remember the slight when Trottingham’s own White Polish takes the stage?”

Iron Will chuckled. “I think we’ll find out soon.  Oh hey!  It’s the hundred yard air dash!  This is where we see Rapidshot strut her stuff!”

Shining Armor leaned in to watch, his drink forgotten. “Oh yeah. Your teammate, right Soarin? The announcers have been touting that this race is going to be between her and Fast Draw of Appleloosa. Is there anything to that?”

Soarin rolled his eyes and shook her head. “Not even a contest. I’ve seen that girl train. She does it like she’s bucking apples. Wham. Wham.  Wham. Until she’s dead on her hooves from exhaustion. She’s gonna be spent before the race even begins. What you’ve got to look for is Silk Glove from Neighpon. Nopony’s really seen him in action yet, because he’s only just entered his prime. I’m excited to see what he’s got.”

The dialogue drew to a close as the race started. Rapidshot was off in a blur, her sleek and rippling muscles powering a perfect wing technique. Fast Draw matched her for sixty yards before petering out and falling into sixth. Silk Glove was nose to nose with Rapidshot until they were ten yards away from the finish line, when Rapidshot put in a burst of speed to claim first, followed by an unknown from Prance named Breezyheart, who had also pushed past Silk Glove and left the Neighponese racer to finish third.

The ponies in the room all politely stomped their hooves on the ground. Spike’s cheer was subdued.

Iron Will spun around and glared at them, the blood veins in his eyes pulsing. Nopony dared to breathe.

Iron Will sighed, seized his cider and guzzled it down. Then he let out a brutal belch, smashed the empty can against his powerful brow, and threw the ruined piece of tin behind the couch.

“When your team wins the race... SMASH A CAN ON YOUR FACE!”

Five different belches followed his command, and in another moment five crushed tin cans were flung onto the floor.

“Good work everypony,” said Iron Will, calming down. “We’ll clean up when we’re done.”

*****

Once the coverage began cycling through re-runs, the viewers dispersed. Rainbow Dash and Applejack retreated from the window to talk freely.

“Alright,” said Applejack flatly. “What the buck did we just see?”

“I don’t know. But did you see how Soarin knew his stuff? He was so cool!”

“Uhuh.”

“Oh man, I want him to watch me fly so he can tell me what Olymponians I can beat!”

“Keep it in yer britches cowgirl. What do we do from here, Dash?”

“Uhh... okay. Wait until your brother’s alone and get in touch with him. Find out what he knows, figure out a way to keep in touch with him.”

“I doubt he’ll’ve figured out much at this point. What about you?”

“Me? I guess I’ll just go with y—”

Rainbow cut herself off as she saw Soarin flying overhead. He circled around the recreation center once, caught her eye, grinned wickedly and fled in a burst of speed.

“Mission accepted.  See ya back at base, Applejack.”

Applejack said something in reply, but Rainbow Dash couldn’t hear it as she launched into the air, aiming her lithe body at the clouds. The ground became a canvass she could look down upon in the unlikely event that she grew bored of the splendors of the sky, dots and shapes that no longer drew relevance to her new world.

Soarin was waiting for her on a cloud big enough for only one pony. She hovered before him.

“What do you know,” she demanded without pleasantry.

“Hey, Rainbow Dash! I’ll tell you,” he said as he carelessly examined his hoof, “but I’ve got to do my runs first. See ya!”

He took off at breakneck speed. Rainbow followed without hesitation.

Over and under clouds they went. When Soarin would do a sharp turn or a barrel roll, Rainbow would mimic his flashy and unnecessary maneuvering as a point of pride. Catching him would be a poor prize indeed if he ended up looking more radical than she did during the chase.

Soon Rainbow began to fear that she would lose. While Soarin didn’t have her stamina or ability to accelerate, his top speed was far more than she had ever managed outside of a Sonic Rainboom. Just as she was steeling herself to perform one, she realized something.

Soarin wasn’t working the winds. He had been a professional athlete all his life and trained almost entirely in environmentally static courses. He didn’t know the tricks of the weatherponies’ trade.

On her ascent she had discovered a gradual, yet high-paced, downdraft. Now, she slowed down and swerved to claim it. As she slowed down as much as she dared risk, Soarin’s shape grew further and further away until he was little more than a dot.

She caught it just in time, above him at a gradual decline that led to a perfect intercept. He could have ruined her plan simply by changing course or finding his own draft.

But he didn’t.

She pumped her wings to pick up the speed until she was moving faster than even Soarin, heart fluttering with the sweetest of joy. He tried to pick up the pace again, but it was no use—she had tired him out. Soon she was right on top of him, and in another moment she had crashed into him and knocked him out of the sky. She had chosen the moment to pounce with fine precision, and the maneuver ended with both of them colliding into the safety of a massive cloud bank.

Her body was pressed tightly against his. She could feel their sweat mingling, and her chest grew uncomfortably hot. They were both still panting from the exertion.

“Whew. Haven’t been worked like that since my Advanced Flight course. Great to see you again Dash. Had a question?”

“What the hay is going on with the princess?”

Soarin blinked and then laughed. “Oh, you mean this? I guess this might have caught you off guard, seeing as you’re not from Canterlot. The ‘Bolts are one of her favorite targets though. Princess Celestia is... how do I put this? Sometimes, she’s a very silly pony.”

Rainbow Dash laughed in disbelief, but then she scrunched her brow when Soarin only grinned up at her. “Princess Celestia? She’s not, like... no... you’re kidding, right?”

Soarin shook his head. “I’ll tell you about the last thing she did. This was maybe a week after Princess Luna returned to us. She spent days flitting around our locker room telling us how lonely Luna was and how she hadn’t had any ‘games’ for a thousand years and, yes, she was being that suggestive.”

“Dwuh?! She set the whole team up with her sister?!”

“Listen, listen. It culminated with her dressing the whole team in socks and lacy panties, myself included, and hauling us to Luna’s bedchamber. Ya know what happened then?”

“Wh-what happened then?”

“We played chess with Princess Luna. All five of us against her. Celestia spent the whole time giggling in the background. Luna won.”

“I thought chess was a two-player game?”

“Well, they played chess differently back in Luna’s day.”

“So you didn’t actually-”

“Sleep with Luna? Well, I didn’t. Spitfire says she did, but I couldn’t tell with the piñatas everywhere.”

“Huh?”

“They played chess really differently back in Luna’s day.”

Rainbow Dash thought for a bit. “So what you’re telling me is this whole thing is one big prank?”

Soarin laughed. “What did you think it was, Dash? Didn’t the whole premise seem a little bit ridiculous to you?”

Dash laughed awkwardly. “Oh yeah... right. But why are you sticking around, then? Don’t you have better things to do?”

Soarin calmed down and shook his head. “I could leave. But I love the princess. Everypony does. She’s got the weight of the world on her shoulders, and yet she makes it look easy to bring peace and harmony throughout Equestria. So what if she wants this to bring a little joy to her life? She can have it. I won’t even hesitate to play along for her sake.”

“I hear ya, man.  Besides, I could never ruin another ponies prank.  That would be so not cool.”

“Anyway, Dash,” said Soarin, shifting beneath her weight. “It’s not Celestia that’s keeping me here right now. It’s you.”

“Oh! Whoops! Sorry, I’ll just—”

Soarin kissed her. Her tired wings rose a tiny bit away from their folds. She felt a brief jolt of electricity as their lips met, before she pulled away in shock.

“Soarin!  What are you doing?! I’m a lesbian! I’ve got a marefriend!”

Soarin’s eyes bugged and he squirmed beneath her in a brief state of panic. “Oh buck Dash, I’m sorry! I’m so sorry. Look, I just...I don’t know, I totally misread your signals here. Of course, that wouldn’t have been a problem if I had just asked first, but that would have been the smart thing to do. Dash, look, I just want to be your friend. I’m not some panting pervert, I swear I just got carried away there, and I’d really like it if you could pretend that never happened.”

 Rainbow did nothing but stare at the stallion beneath her. He tried to get up but Rainbow was still weighing him down.  His build was perfectly optimized for speed, which meant he was actually rather small. Dash was less blessed, and had about ten or fifteen pounds of muscle on him.

“Uhh...Dash? Don’t you want to let me up now?”

“That didn’t mean stop,” she said, pressing her lips against his once more.

III

“Let’s see,” said Pinkie Pie, squinting at the chalkboard. Her gaze roamed from a crude picture of Celestia with a huge grin on her face to one of an infatuated Twilight surrounded by hearts popping like bubbles. She connected the two images by drawing an arrow with her chalk.

“We’ve got Celestia and Twilight. Or if you want to shorten it, ‘Twilestia.’ And then...” As Pinkie continued, she gestured to two more crude sketches. One was a bored Rainbow Dash, and the other depicted an upright, disembodied wing. “Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy have been going out for a couple months now. Hence the codename: RainbowShy.”

Pinkie Pie spun around to meet her audience. “Any questions?”

The recreation room was almost empty. The only one watching Pinkie was Princess Luna.

“Do you seek a lover of your own? Tell me Pinkie Pie, what do you find attractive in a mare?”

“An up-beat personality! Good question, glad to see you’ve been paying attention! Now... where was I?”

She returned to the blackboard with a nod, motioning to images of Applejack and Rarity. “I only have two left to confirm. If what I fear is true... then it’s a disaster.”

“Pinkie...” said Luna, rising to her hooves. “Does it worry you that your friends have begun to mature?”

“Of course! I’ve got to do something before they decide I’m too foalish for them!”

“Endurance is the mark of true friendship. Yours is a precious bond. We suggest not to trouble yourself with this.”

“Don’t trouble?” Don’t trouble?!" Pinkie leapt up to Luna and took ahold of her face, staring deep into her eyes. She thought she saw shapeless forms moving in the princess’s eldritch irises, so she made a silly face hoping something would come out and play. Luna looked frightened, shivering and was blushing, but Pinkie couldn’t imagine why.

“Did you know that last week, Gummy and I were the only ones to show up to Pony-Pet Play Day? Do you know it’s been over a week since I’ve had any fun with any of them? Do you know how long it’s been since there was,” she gasped, “a party?”

Pinkie spun away from Luna and stood on her hind legs. “Two months! It was the Rainbow-Dash-got-a-girlfriend party!”

Luna remained motionless, staring at Pinkie with the weight of ages. “Is that not normal enough?”

“And do you see them now? I thought finally we could all have fun at camp together, but nopony is having any fun!”

Luna sighed and approached her on the side, the princess’s tall frame leaning lightly against her side. “It’s time for your morning assembly with your friends. We will speak of this later.”

*****

Soon the recreation room was filled with all of Pinkie’s friends, the princesses included. As soon as they had settled in, Celestia began the lesson of the second day.

“Despite its obvious disadvantages,” said Celestia as she stood before them, “being a heterosexual mare can be very enjoyable. One of the best things a straight mare can have is a beautiful friendship without any of the sexual tension.”

“Excuse me,” said Pinkie Pie as she tilted her head and frowned, “but we don’t really have any problems with that.”

“Umm... yeah,” said Fluttershy softly. “We’re really just ordinary friends.”

“Heck,” said Applejack, “Ah don’t even think the subject’s ever come up ‘til now.”

Surprise briefly graced Princess Celestia’s features. “So you’ve never spontaneously decided to make out? Not even once in a while?”

“Nope,” answered Applejack somberly.

“You never feel each other up while you’re sleeping?”

“Definitely not on purpose,” said Fluttershy, eyes lowered as she blushed.

“Well what do you do?”

“We like to go on picnics,” said Twilight.

“And have parties!” cried Pinkie Pie, whipping out a noisemaker and blowing it for emphasis.

“And ya know, we help out each other with work, go to town events, and just sorta hang out,” said Applejack. “Really, it’s great, ah don’ see what the trouble is.”

“We haven’t done that stuff in a while,” muttered Pinkie Pie. She hadn’t intended for anypony to hear her, but Twilight had.

“Sure we have,” said Twilight perkily as she levitated her planner before her. “Take a look. Just last week I... no... then I was touching up my shrine to Celestia. But before then... we had to cancel because of Rainbow’s date with ‘Shy... and uhh... here Rarity was being sulky...” she sighed and closed her book. “Well, it doesn’t matter, I’m sure we’ll get back on track in no time.”

Celestia struck each of them with a look. “You are six of the most beautiful mares of your generation (that are not rulers of Equestria), you spend all your time with each other, and nothing of... interest happens on the side?”

“Nah, not really,” said Rainbow Dash.

“By me,” said Celestia in astonishment. “You’re all doing it wrong!”

“How?” asked Pinkie Pie.

“That isn’t the subject of today’s session. Instead Twilight and I will demonstrate how to conduct a platonic and normal friendship between two mares, even though that is what you have all apparently wasted all these months together doing. Twilight, would you assist me in this role play?”

“R-role play? But princess, shouldn’t we... oh, yes, ROLE PLAY! Of course.”

“Thank you Twilight. The scenario is this: You are walking down the street of Ponyville having completed your morning errands, when you bump into your dear friend, played by me. Your schedule is pretty clear, so you offer to spend some time with me. Go!”

“Why hello Princess Celestia,” said Twilight, in character. “I was just coming back from the market. After I drop these things off at the library, would you like to go out of town and pick some wildflowers?”

“Well,” said Celestia deviously, “there is one flower I’ve always wanted to pick.” With that, Twilight was lifted off the air with the princess’s magic. “And it seems I don’t even have to go anywhere to pluck it.” Leaning in, Celestia ran her teeth along Twilight’s neck as the unicorn flushed and went limp.

At the last moment, Celestia pulled away and dumped the unicorn on the floor. “Does anypony else want a demonstration?”

Pinkie Pie saw Twilight glaring at them from behind Celestia, and she and her friends all shook their heads as one.

“As you wish. However I hope that this has demonstrated my point. You see, little ponies, I’ve been a heterosexual for a long time. And that means that it is alright if I cheat. And I want that for you as well. I want you to be so secure in your heteronormal lives that you can make out with your friends without feeling any doubt for the righteous path you have chosen.”

“So,” Applejack hesitated, “are we gonna do exercises to help us feel secure about ourselves?”

“If by that you mean that you are all going to make out with each other, then yes.”

Pinkie began eyeing her friends, but noticed several of them balking.

Princess Celestia smiled. “This exercise is optional of course, if any of you are not comfortable with it. But I for one would certainly like to see you bond in such a close manner. It would truly warm my heart. Take the day to decide whether or not you want to participate, and if so with whom. Twilight and I will be about the campus if you have any questions, or if you cannot find another partner.”

That seemed to conclude the morning. Pinkie Pie saw Rarity and Applejack heading off together, and decided it was time to verify her suspicions once and for all. It took only moments for her to zip off and change into her spy-suit and night vision goggles. The goggles were useless during the day, but still an essential part of the costume.

*****

They led her to a picnic table by the lake. Lake Crystal? Pinkie hadn’t wondered where they were until now, but perhaps Ponyville wasn’t so far away after all. Climbing atop a branch in a nearby tree, Pinkie began watching her targets. Just as she saw the two leaning toward each other, a large dark head lowered itself into her field of vision.

Pinkie opened her mouth in preparation to shriek, but a hoof clamped over her face before she could make a noise.

“Will you be quiet, or must we kiss you?”

Pinkie shook her head and Luna released her, though the princess looked disappointed. Did she like knocking ponies unconscious?

“Observing your friends I see,” noted Luna in a silky whisper that Pinkie could feel through her bones.

The princess took a seat next to Pinkie.

“Nah, I’m spying on them,” said Pinkie. “Like I was saying before, it’s essential that I discover whether or not they’re involved in a romance or not!”

Luna lifted her chin and turned her eyes on Rarity and Applejack. Pinkie did the same thing.

They were locked in a vital embrace, kissing each other passionately.

“This seems somehow relevant to my investigation,” murmured Pinkie as her eyes looked for a hiding space that would bring her closer to the heated pair.

However she was foiled by the shadows along Luna’s mane that spread and dragged her away, releasing her next to the princess where they couldn’t be seen by their prey.

“On the contrary, it seems they deserve some privacy,” said Luna.

Soon Rarity and Applejack were passing their place of concealment.

“Thanks for lettin’ me blow off some steam, Rare. Ya still umm... feelin’ okay about this arrangement?”

“Absolutely,” said Rarity, not looking at her.

“Good, real good. I don’ want you feelin’ bad or nothin’, but what I really need is a coltfriend. This deal’s just for practice, seein’ as I’m straight.”

“Right. Applejack, you do know what ‘straight’ means, right?”

“A ‘course!”

“Good, do me a favor and never ask anypony about it or look it up in dictionaries.”

“Ah that’s no trouble. Granny Smith always says if anypony needs a dictionary, they’re usin’ too many syllables in the first place. Then when I asked what a syllable was she sent me to mah room. Haven’t looked it up ta this day.”

Applejack trotted off, leaving Rarity alone. She sniffed away a tear and moved over to buck a tree, connecting her hoof to the bark in a dainty little tap that wouldn’t risk a chip.

Pinkie observed Rarity carefully. “I think I need a second opinion? Are they in a relationship?”

“Do you not wish to talk to her?” Luna turned away from Rarity’s distress and bore her gaze into Pinkie.

“Nah,” said Pinkie, staring right back with hardly a blink. “I think she’s sad about something, I don’t want to bother her with this now.”

“I see,” said Luna, expression growing curious. “Then I suppose we shall speak with Rarity. But first, a confession.”

Luna looked away, lips curled tightly. “I must admit I sought you out, not to interfere with this mission of yours, but to... this never gets easy. Pinkie, your friends have each woven themselves into strange webs. Joining them will not do anypony good, but if you are truly curious about what tale two mares can weave together then... I myself have found myself growing attracted to you, and if you wished we could perhaps spend some time together, and learn more about each other.”

Pinkie smiled apologetically. “Sorry Luna, but if everyponie’s caught in a web, I’ve got to help them. Twilight’s secretly afraid of spiders, and Rainbow Dash hates it when her wings get sticky! We’ll have to tell tales later”

“No, what I meant—”

“And anyway,” cried Pinkie as she dashed off. “I’ve got romance to do!”

*****

“He needs this,” said Iron Will hoarsely as he hunched beside Lord Fancypants.

“I must admit,” said Fancypants to the minotaur, “I am not certain that I am entirely comfortable with this exercise.”

The others were all there, watching the exchange in silence. Spike was crouched before Fancypants, waiting patiently.

Iron Will sighed and rose to his full height. “Do you want to help Spike or not? He may go his entire life without ever understanding what this is about, if not for your actions!”

Fancypants grumbled but gave in. “Fine, but let us not take this in a way it wasn’t meant to be construed, Sir Spike. Are we understood? There are no hard feelings whatever the outcome.”

With a hoof, Fancypants reached towards the dragon and touched him on the shoulder.

“Poke.”

Fancypants reached out again, this time tapping Spike’s rounded belly. “Poke again.”

He continued harassing the baby dragon in the most oblique way possible. “Are you not annoyed, Sir Spike?”

Iron Will held up a hand and nodded. “Alright, that should be adequate. Spike, how do you feel?”

“Uhh... largely nonplussed,” said Spike, staring up at Iron Will.

“No Spike! That stallion was poking you against your will! Are you just going to take it?!”

“Y-yeah, I kind of was.”

“Wrong answer. How would you describe his actions?”

“Kinda weird?”

“He was being a PAIN Spike. Are you just going to let him do whatever he wants?”

“Maybe I could go somewhere else?”

Iron Will put a hand on his face and sighed. “Does Iron Will need to say it again?”

“I...” Spike looked at the ground. “Uhh... yeah. I need you to say it again.”

“It’s fine Spike, you did well.” Iron Will stepped over to a black tarp upon a white sheet, turning to the entire group.

“When someponies being a pain..."

He seized a fistful of the dark material and dramatically wrenched it away. Underneath were rifles, semi-automatic and fully automatic pistols, revolvers, and shotguns, all in many different sizes and makes.

“...BEGIN A MILITARY CAMPAIGN!”

"Each weapon has been lovingly calibrated to fire balls of messy paint," said Iron Will.

Nothing else needed to be said. Iron Will and the boys began donning their protective gear, choosing their weapons, and sorting themselves into teams.

*****

As Pinkie bounced towards the Princess’s office, she caught a glimpse of white out of the corner of her eye. When she turned to look, she decided the form receding into the deeper forest had to be Princess Celestia and immediately gave chase.

Pinkie’s agility was sublime; she leapt over thick growth and weaved around trees without losing any speed. The princess could maneuver just as well, and though she stayed close to ground level, she didn’t shy from using her impressive wings for assistance. Anypony else would have concluded she had no chance of catching up, but Pinkie was a believer of positive thinking.

She need only keep trying.

Her persistence paid off. Though far away, she could see the princess slowing. Pinkie broke into an all-out gallop, zipping past trees as she drew closer. Ahead the princess moved barely at a canter.

By the time she realized that Celestia had come to a complete stop, Pinkie no longer had any control over her speed. Her chase ended abruptly when her face smashed into the hardest substance known to ponykind: Princess Celestia’s flank.

Her vision wobbled and divided into many images as the shock of the impact reverberated through her body. Pinkie vaguely became aware of the princess looking back at her and smiling cheekily.

“Oh my, I did not see you there. If you insist, worshipping hours do not begin until midnight, at my office. Though I do not blame you for wanting to start early.”

While Pinkie reeled, the princess took off again. There was nothing for her to do but recover and try to get her target back in sight.

*****

“This is Bravo Llama Alpha Maribelle, do you have a visual Flying Sierra?” barked Iron Will on his radio as he trekked through the thickest part of the forest.

“I’m uhh... I’m actually right here,” said Soarin as he alit in the brush beside Fancypants.

“Well yeah, you are, Iron Will just...” Iron Will fidgeted as Soarin waited for a reply. “Iron Will likes using the radio better, y’know?”

Soarin sighed and spoke into his radio. “Just got back from the run ‘Maribelle.’ Caught a glimpse of red and then retreated as ordered. It had to be Big Mac. Enemy is en route to a defensive location at coordinates 111, 47 NW.”

Iron Will nodded and hefted up a light anti-tank paint gun in both hands. “Good. After your scout’s made a pass, PUT A CAP IN THEIR—”

*****

On the other side of the clearing, Spike lowered a pair of binoculars. “Soarin landed,” he reported.

Shining Armor nodded, his glowing horn fading to its normal hue. “My tracer spell is complete. I’ve got them pinpointed, and it looks like they just started moving. Ready Big Mac?”

“Eeyup,” said Big Mac as he hefted a long barrel paint-shotgun in both hooves.

The two teams set out on a course to intercept each other, their eyes alert and their nerves high. When they were no more than ten meters from clashing, both opposing teams spotted a bright pastel color moving out in the open.

There is a split in between the time the primitive mind processes danger, and the rational mind can analyze it. In that moment, each soldier heard a voice in their transmitters.

“Fire,” said that regal female voice.

And in the next moment, Pinkie Pie was obliterated.

*****

Without any real warning, Pinkie Pie’s search for Princess Celestia was interrupted when she found herself being splattered with all manner of prismatic, high-velocity glop.

“All players, hold fire!” with all the paint in her eye, Pinkie couldn’t see where the rumbling voice had come from.

“We’ve got a civilian in the theatre.”

“Pinkie! Are you okay?”

Then the air grew warm and she felt a large presence land nearby. Pinkie wiped the paint from her eye so she could see again, and found herself facing Princess Celestia.

“Pinkie Pie,” said the princess, “if you want to play with the boys, you really need the proper protection.” She nodded towards the assembled teams, whose members were wearing protective visors and thick vests.

Celestia’s horn began to glow and a white towel materialized into existence, which she offered to the splattered pony.

Pinkie brought the towel up to her face and dragged it along her snout and brow. She immediately felt a thick residue fixing itself on her coat. When she turned, confused, back to the princess, Celestia offered a mirror to the earth pony.

Her face was covered in white, gooey bleach. Celestia could no longer contain her giggles and simply let them loose. Not to be outdone, Pinkie quickly joined in on the laughter.

As soon as Celestia’s guard was down, Pinkie threw the bleach-soaked towel directly into the royal’s face. It had no effect on the princess’s pure white coat, but she took the assault in stride and simply laughed harder.

“Princess,” said Pinkie as they wound down. “I need to speak to you about something very important. Also, I need a shower.”

Celestia nodded calmly as she withdrew the last of her mirth into herself. “See to your shower first, Pinkie Pie. When you finish I shall be in my office.”

*****

The princess’s office had become covered with books since Pinkie’s last visit. Their disorganized stacks formed a labyrinth through the room, but none managed to eclipse Celestia’s tall and majestic form behind her desk.

Pinkie leapt over several piles of books in her attempt to reach the desk as quickly as possible. She had managed to remove the paint covering her body, but the bleach had washed the pink on her face into a discolored grey.

“So,” said Celestia, setting aside a thick and untitled tome. “I understand you wish to speak with me about something.”

“Yep,” said Pinkie, barely able to form spaces between her words. “I need the ultimate cosmic power over reality itself!”

“I see,” said Celestia, unfazed at the request. Slowly, she began to grin. “Perhaps you need to give Rainbow Dash another chase? Or does somepony need to learn about the importance of keeping promises?”

“Oh no,” said Pinkie, barely able to keep the hysteria from her voice. “This time it’s serious! You see, I need to get all my friends together and—”

Celestia silenced Pinkie with a delicate raise of her hoof. “Pinkie, I need no explanation for what you plan to do with your untold power. Just do nothing with it that I would not.”

Celestia’s horn began to glow, and Pinkie was greeted with the familiar sensation of incredible might. Once again reality itself would be forced to lower its head and become Pinkie’s brood mare.

Pinkie leapt behind a narrow stack of books and vanished entirely. In another moment her head lowered from... not the ceiling, but something. Any attempts to look up to see what her body was suspended from forced her eyes to slide away, blurring her vision and muddling her thoughts.

She looked at Celestia in the eye from her upside-down position, their faces inches apart. “Great,” she chirped. “Looks like it’s working perfectly!”

She reached over to Celestia’s mane and pulled out a disembodied blob of pink color, which she added to her own muzzle. The damage the bleach had done to her coat was now gone.

Pinkie’s face vanished back into whatever untold ethers that contained her, and in another moment she emerged from behind the desk where Celestia sat, her arrival heralded by a disembodied warp sound.

“Then it appears as though you are all set,” said Celestia warmly. “Off you go, and do not be shy about asking if your powers should wane again. Teehee!”

“Thanks! See ya later, princessgator!” Remembering her ultimate purpose, Pinkie darted out of the office.

With Pinkie gone, Twilight emerged from the clutter, levitating a book in front of her face. She looked up at Celestia.

“Was that Pinkie Pie?”

“Indeed it was Twilight Sparkle.”

“What were the two of you talking about?”

“Wonderful news in fact. You see, Pinkie Pie wanted to let me know that the therapy has done its job and she is ready to identify herself as a heterosexual! Are you as proud of her as I am?”

*****

Pinkie found Rainbow Dash in the showers, watching the water splash against the acrylic floor. As she approached, she felt stray flecks of cold liquid speckling her face. Only after Pinkie had reached up and switched the faucet off did Rainbow react to her presence.

Eventually Rainbow looked up and met Pinkie’s gaze. “Hey Pinkie,” she said softly. “Was just takin’ a shower.”

“You could catch a cold that way,” said Pinkie. “And then you’d miss out on all the fun we’re having at camp!”

“Didn’t notice the hot water had run out,” said Rainbow as she watched the last of the liquid trickle down the drain. “Can I talk to you about something serious?”


“Ooh, serious? Me first, me first! See, you’re all my special friends, but I’ve always thought you were my extra special friend, and I didn’t even know it for the longest time until that one time when Gilda came to Ponyville and took up all of your time, so like then I realized that I wanted you all for myself and I was jealous because I’m actually in love with you!”

Rainbow Dash didn’t seem to hear. It quickly occurred to Pinkie that she had been talking too fast.

“You’ve got to keep this a secret Pinkie. If you tell anypony, it’s going to wreck me.”

Straightening up, Pinkie mimed zipping her mouth closed, then locking it, and then building two structures, putting the imaginary key in one of them, and then furiously writing.

“What’s that mean?”

“Well duh! First I zipped my mouth shut and locked it, then I built a mysterious underground bunker with no apparent purpose and maximum security, letting young ponies and daredevils attempt to infiltrate it without success for decades, while simultaneously leaking information to conspiracy theorists and fringe cultists about the location and origins of the key so that when they reported their findings mainstream society would discount them without question. And the whole time the key was really just in a security deposit box in a bank in canterlot, where no one ever suspected! Uhh... isn’t that what you do when you want to hide something?”

“Usually I just toss it in the back of my closet or something.”

“Woah, good idea! I’m gonna try that next time!”

Rainbow scraped the floor with her hoof. “I think uhh... I think Princess Celestia turned me straight.”

Pinkie laughed. “Oh silly, don’t worry about that. She’s just messin’ around with us.”

Rainbow Dash leapt forward and seized Pinkie, eyes wild. “That’s what I thought at first too. There was no way I was buying all those horseapples coming out of her mouth. But this place... it must have changed me somehow. I... kissed Soarin.”

“A lot?”

Rainbow’s cheeks flushed. “Yeah, a lot. I don’t even know what came over me! One moment I felt his sleek, toned, stallion body pressed against mine, and our sweat was mingling and the whole thing was totally disgusting, and then all the sudden I felt all hot and before I even knew what was happening I was totally kissing him. I think I would have even gone farther, but I had mentioned that I had a marefriend so he stopped me.”

“So, is he going to be your special somepony now?”

“Wh- no! I’ve got to talk to Fluttershy, somehow I’ve got to find the words that- agh, who am I kidding?! There are no words. I’ve got to handle this without her, keep her from getting hurt. Maybe I can find some unicorn in Canterlot to break whatever spell is on me.”

“We could just make out,” said Pinkie.

Rainbow stared deadpan at the earth pony.

“You know, remember that one time when we forgot our friendships and everything that made us happy, and Twilight used that memory spell that didn’t really cure us, but reminded us of all the happy times we had together and let us break the curse on our own.”

“Yeah but, the problem isn’t with me forgetting how awesome I—”

“Well, if we kissed a bunch and got all romancy-wancy then maybe it would help remind you how much you like being a lesbian and break the curse you’re under!”

Rainbow turned away and sighed.

“I think it’s our best option,” she said when she spoke at last.

*****

Pinkie found Applejack in the kitchen of their boardings, making sandwiches with mechanical efficiency and heaping them onto a plate. The cowpony hummed a little tune as she worked.

“Help yourself to some vittles,” she said without turning around to look at Pinkie. “All ah ask is that ya take ‘em outside for a picnic, I don’t want you gettin’ crumbs everywhere, bein’ that I’ll be the one cleanin’ ‘em up.”

“Actually Applejack, I’m not hungry,” said Pinkie.

Applejack paused as she stacked lettuce atop bread, but only for a moment. She resumed the task, and after she completed the sandwich she set aside her spreading knife and placed the rest of the ingredients in storage. “Get that pitcher,” she said, glancing at a clear jug filled with lemonade on the counter. She grabbed the plate of sandwiches and carried them to the living room, placing them on the table where the others would be sure to find them.

Pinkie followed along with the jug’s handle in her mouth, and set it beside the plate.

Applejack nodded towards the sandwiches. “Ah reckon even Rainbow can fix somethin’ up if this ain’t enough for everypony. So, not hungry? That means it’s important, huh?”

Pinkie nodded.

“Alright, spill it.”

“Well Applejack, I’ve always admired you as a pony—”

“Nope.”

“Applejack?”

“Nope, I ain’t gonna lend you money. It ain’t my call to make, Big Mac’s the only one in our family who’s delved into the unknowable arcana known as ‘interest rates.’ Ya gotta go through him.”

“It’s not about money, but that might be a good way to pay for Gummy’s dental operation now that you mention it.”

“What’s he need a dental operation for? Your gator don’t have teeth.”

“Yeah, turns out that’s considered a terminal illness among large carnivorous reptiles. Who would have thought? But that’s not what I need to talk to you about!”

“It ain’t? Shoot. Sorry, that’s just what most ponies want when they preempt an allegedly important talk with a compliment. Was just tryin’ to save us both time. Why don’t you start over?”

“Well Applejack, I’ve always admired you as a pony. You’re strong, dependable, and pretty much the exact opposite of a silly-filly like me! And you’re all my best friends, but with me and you I always wondered if ‘we’ could be something more. I wondered if you would ever want to be my special somepony.”

Applejack opened her mouth but said nothing.

Pinkie leaned in. “Is this the part where we kiss?”

Applejack jerked back and shook her head. “No! I mean... shucks, hear me out.”

She took a deep breath. “First of all, yer timin’ ain’t so great. I’ve got this... thing I don’t rightly have a label for with Rarity. And ah ain’t even gay, it just started when I wanted some practice with kissin’ and she offered to help. But sometimes ah think ya just meet a mare and it doesn’t matter who ya are, because you’ll just fall for her. That’s true of her, and that’s true of how I feel about you Pinkie. You’re gorgeous, you liven up each of my days every day, and I’m awfully fond of ya.”

“So do we kiss now?”

“Hold on a sec! Whatever happens between us, ah still love her. Can ya even deal with that?”

Pinkie thought about it for a moment, but no longer. “Yep,” she said, and leaned towards Applejack, who stopped her with a hoof.

“Hey,” said Pinkie, pulling Applejack’s hoof down. “Why don’t we bring her in on this? We can be Rarijack Pie!”

Applejack chuckled and shook her head. “Ah don’t think she’d care much for that idea. And the truth is, she got here first. So... I gotta put her first. But I can’t give her what she wants from me, even with you out of the picture. So what I’m gonna do is, I’m gonna tie things up with her, and maybe it’ll take a few weeks, or even a few months, and if you’re still interested by then, you can just let me know.”

“But I wanna kiss and be your special somepony and have fun and parties!”

“If you want it badly enough, you’re just gonna have to wait for it.”

“Can we at least date in the meantime?”

“Pinkie—”

“We can have a friend date! Isn’t it alright if we’re just friends?”

“I guess.”

“Tonight by the river?”

“No kissing?”


“Okie-smokey! Since it’s just a friend date, can I invite the others?”

*****

Pinkie spotted Fluttershy near the cabin, talking to somepony. She turned her head around, looking at the rest of the glade. There wasn’t anypony else there.

The conversation grew audible as Pinkie drew closer.

“Oh my Mr. Bluejay. I hope he didn’t get too upset.”

The bird in question threw his wings up in frustration, and rattled out a staccato whistle.

Fluttershy threw some more seeds onto the ground. “Goodness! Is he alright?”

“Did you want to feed the birds too, Pinkie?”

“Sure, and there’s something I wanted to talk about.”

“Of course, I’m listening.”

“I like you.”

Fluttershy froze. “I... like you too Pinkie. You’re a wonderful friend, and I’m always grateful to have you...”

“Great! So will you be my special somepony?”

Fluttershy’s hoof stilled and her bag of seeds lie forgotten. The birds, the clearing, the pegasus; All grew still.

Pinkie’s tail shook with anticipation. “Because I’ve always felt like we might have something special Fluttershy. You’re so kind and sweet, and you make my heart all fluttery-wuttery! And I want to know if you feel the same way, and if so, then maybe we can be marefriends!”

Fluttershy looked away. “If I said yes, would it make you happy?”

“It would make me super-duper happy!”

“Then yes.”

“Yippy!” Pinkie pounced and squeezed Fluttershy in a big hug. She felt her friend rub softly against her.

“I guess it’s for the best,” said Fluttershy staring at the ground. “I’ve been trying so hard to make Rainbow happy, but nothing I do is good enough. So if I can just make you happy, then that’s alright.”

“How many times should we go on dates?”

Pinkie heard Fluttershy’s hoof dragging across the ground. “Twice a month?”

“How about twice a week? What do you want your pet name to be?”

“Um—”

“Flutter-wutters! It’s so sappy it’s perfect!”

“Yeah...”

“What’s my pet name going to be?”

“Can I get back to you—?”

“Princess Gloomdread the third! I love it!”

“What—”

“But be sure to come up with a new one every day. Don’t worry, you’re doing great so far.” Pinkie reached out and gave fluttershy’s pale cheeks a squeeze.

“...Thanks.”

“Our first date can be a picnic by the riverside! Oh, unless you want to do something else! I’ve heard that the two most important things in a relationship are communication and compromise!”

“...A Picnic sounds...nice.”

“Yippee!” Pinkie shoved Fluttershy away and leapt into the air. “Compromise is fun and easy!” she cried.

*****

The mirror’s surface contained the most beautiful mare Pinkie’s eyes had ever laid eyes on.

Trapped within the full-body mirror stood Rarity, running a comb through her gleaming mane. At the same time, the unicorn's perfect lashes curled from each tease of the eyelash separator. The mascara brush floated nearby, awaiting its turn to paint her eyelids the color of tulips.

The tools hovered about the alabaster reflection with surgical precision, sculpting perfection.

Her thoughts poured like a torrent through her brain and dashed themselves against her mouth again and again, eager to form into words and find Rarity’s ears. To do anything but heap praise and devotion upon the flawless unicorn was unthinkable.

“Rarity...” she breathed. She couldn’t manage another word.

With her magic, Rarity ran a comb through her gleaming mane. At the same time the unicorn’s eyelash separator was just finishing its work, leaving her lashes plumped and ready for the mascara brush to swoop in and do its job.

Pinkie’s eyes, beyond her own volition, drifted down Rarity’s sleek barrel and along her svelte flank, eyes resting at her dock where her expertly curled tail lay. Pinkie spent a moment taking in the view before reluctantly dragging her vision back to Rarity’s large eyes where she found only indifference. In another moment Rarity returned her focus completely to the task at hand, and Pinkie could not find her reflection in those cerulean eyes.

“You were saying...?” said Rarity, long after the silence had become awkward.

The dam broke.

“I was just saying that I’ve always admired you Rarity, even if we’re really different from each other. And wow, are we ever! I mean you’re absolutely gorgeous; I know no one would say it to my face but I’m kind of a plainy Jany! But it’s the inside that I find the most beautiful. You’re so giving and caring of others, not to mention sophisticated!”

“I’m not going to—”

“It’s not about money! I want you to be my very special—”

“Pinkie...”

“Somepony. Oh gee, I don’t even know if you like mares, but I already feel like you’ve captured my heart! You’re like the white mare of my dreams, the diamond of my eye, and if you feel the same way, even a little—”

“Pinkie!”

“Then I hope you can find it somewhere in your heart to just give us a chance! Even if it’s only one date!”

“Pinkie Pie, I—”

“And if you do give us a chance, we should start with two dates a week. Don’t worry your pretty little head, we can always work our way up to a date every single day. And Pinkie Pie-eye will do for today, but if in the future you could put a teeny-weeny bit more effort into my pet names, that’d be great! Oh, and since dressmaking’s your thing, my measurements are—”

“I already know your measurements but—”

—but expect the flank to get wider in the future, I’m a growing girl! Cider season is coming up and Applejack promised me lots of apple cupcakes. They’re just like regular cupcakes, but with apples. We should name one of our foals after an apple! Like Big Macintosh— No wait! That’s already taken. On the other hand, if we have any fillies, I’d like to name them after our friends but if they’re colts—”

“PINKIE PIE!”

Pinkie Pie blinked. Rarity had set aside her facial products and was staring intently into the earth ponies eyes.

“Don’t shout!” shouted Pinkie, her own eyes peeled wide. “Remember, communication is the most important part of a relationship!”

“Pinkie, I diet.”

The chill did not crawl through Pinkie’s bones. It bounded. “You diet... once in a while?”

“As a matter of fact, I am dieting right now.”

Pinkie’s eyes ran over Rarity’s body again as her heart quickened. Her barrel was narrow indeed. As Rarity shifted her weight Pinkie Pie could have sworn that she had glimpsed a bit of rib. She studied Rarity’s snow white flank. Svelte didn’t seem an appropriate term for it any longer. Bony was much more fitting.

Pinkie briefly considered breaking out into laughter, and then decided it wouldn’t help.

“Wow... that was super-silly of me! Hey, I’ve got an idea. Could you be a pal and very quickly forget everything I just said? Because I don’t think we’d work together at all, ha ha...”

“Pinkie,” said Rarity warmly, “I’m very flattered that you thought of me in that way... for all of fifteen seconds, but I think the two of us work just marvelously as friends.” She pulled Pinkie’s shoulders into a warm embrace only to retreat when Pinkie’s muscles stiffened beneath her hooves.

“What’s the matter darling?”

“Diet cooties..” whispered Pinkie.

“Those aren’t real. They’re probably something you made up on the spot.”

Pinkie pressed her snout against Rarity’s and their eyes very nearly touched. “That’s never been proven,” she hissed.

*****

As Pinkie doubled back to the office, Twilight and Princess Celestia had just walked out the door. She hailed the two and bounded over.

“So in the end,” said Celestia, “it was fortunate indeed that I had ratified and in part rejected Starswirl’s law of temporal immutability before Discord’s arrival. And that’s the story of how Luna became a mare.”

“That is... absolutely fascinating,” said Twilight before she spoke to Pinkie Pie. “Oh, Pinkie Pie. You sure weren’t gone long. Did you forget something?”

“Duh,” said Pinkie with a cheerful snort. “I totally forgot that I needed to tell you something super duper important Twilight!”

Celestia raised a brow and her ephemeral grin vanished. She stepped closer to Pinkie and lowered her voice. “Pinkie Pie, I hope you aren’t planning on—”

“Don’t worry,” said Pinkie with full sincerity. “I won’t do anything to Twilight that you wouldn’t.”

Twilight stepped closer as well. “Huh?” Nopony answered her.

Celestia continued to stare at Pinkie in silence, and then smiled again. “Something urgent has come up in Canterlot. Luna has already left for the city, and now I must follow. Until one of us returns I am leaving Twilight in charge.”

Twilight nodded. “I”ll keep things under wraps, no problem.”

Celestia gave Twilight’s brow a little nuzzle, but to Pinkie it seemed there wasn’t very much heart in it. And in another moment the princess spread her wings and was airborne.

“Thank goodness you’re here,” said Twilight when they were alone. “I know there was something you wanted to talk to me about... but can it wait? I actually need your help.”

Pinkie thought about it for a moment and found no objection. “Sure it can wait, what do you need?”


Twilight grinned. “Really? You’re not just bursting to tell me everything right away? Well if you’re sure...”

“It’s fine, you go first!”

“I want to talk to my brother, can you help me sneak over to the boy’s side?” She glanced down at her bare skin. “Can you get us costumes for this?”


Pinkie was already wearing her spysuit. In her hooves she offered a spare suit fitted perfectly for Twilight.

“Great! Although black nylon isn’t really what we need in the daytime.”

Pinkie procured a green paint brush from her mane and colored each of their garments with a camouflage pattern in mere seconds.

“...Right. Let’s go.”

Being limited by the abilities of a mortal pony, it took Twilight a lot longer to change. Pinkie helped fit the sleek uniform around the pony’s purple form, and then they headed off.

They took the open trail to the other side where rumor placed the male camp, frequently stopping to make use of cover. Pinkie took the lead, vanishing behind hoof-width trees and blinking over meters of open ground in microseconds. Twilight did her best, but did not have the ability to distort space and time. Furthermore, she was slightly less graceful.

When they arrived they found no one. Pinkie Pie mentioned the paintball game and so they concealed themselves and waited. Neither spoke in the meantime: Twilight was too intent on watching for the arrival of her brother, and Pinkie knew better than to make noise during a shadow operation.

Eventually their patience paid off and they heard the males filing back. Iron Will led from the front, his fur and protective armor splattered in paint. The rest were similarly abused.

“Hit the showers,” said the minotaur and the group began to disperse.

“I’ve got to get his attention,” murmured Twilight from Pinkie’s left. The unicorn’s horn glowed to life, and then shot a brilliant flare into the air.

Everypony turned to look.

“Oh no, everyone saw it!” hissed Twilight.

“I say what was that?” asked Fancypants.

“Iron Will isn’t sure. Hang on, we’d better—”

“It’s fine,” said Shining Armor abruptly. “That’s my sister’s magic, I taught her that spell in case she ever got lost and needed my help.”

“Oh,” said Iron Will, relaxing. “So what, she’s just—”

“Yeah, she’s probably hiding in the bushes over here. Can I take care of this?”

“Of course! We’ll be in the lounge when you’re done.”

While the others left, Shining Armor lifted Spike up with a bout of telekinesis and tossed the little dragon on his back. Then he trotted towards Pinkie and Twilight’s vantage point.

“Twilight!” Spike leapt off Shining’s back and gave Twilight a hug around the neck, receiving a nuzzle in turn.

“Hey, Twiley, what’s up?” Shining Armor tussled his sister’s mane.

“I haven’t seen you since the wedding! Is your new life working out? I haven’t even seen your new house.”

Pinkie perked at that. “House-warming party?”

Shining Armor smiled sheepishly. “It’s kind of old news now.”

“Aww.”

“Big brother,” said Twilight, eyes wide and lips slightly curled. “What’s going on? Why aren’t you with your wife? Why are you here with that monster? What’s going on with your marriage?”

Shining Armor raised a brow. “Cadence is fine. Iron Will’s a decent guy.”

“Yeah!” said Spike excitedly. “He lets me burp when we’re watching the television!”

Twilight spun to Spike and gasped. “He what?!”

“I think his fragile innocence will find some way to survive,” said Shining Armor.

“Right.” Twilight, pulled the worried look away from her face. “I guess... the princess wasn’t telling the truth after all. But why would she say those things? She told me you were gay and going to pony hell!”

Shining Armor looked aside, his gaze briefly assessing Pinkie before stopping on Spike. “Hit the showers bud.”

“But I barely got the chance to visit with Twilight!”

“She’ll be back tomorrow. Nothing’s happening to her.”


“I guess so...” Spike shrugged it off and waddled away.

“Should I go too?” asked Pinkie.

“Oh not at all,” said Shining Armor quickly. “I find in these situations it helps to have an off-the-wall, unfazeable pony nearby to lighten the mood and act as a calming influence.” He smiled quickly at Pinkie before looking back at Twilight and clearing his throat. “I... thought you knew.”

“Knew what?”

“That I was gay.”

Twilight’s lips trembled. Her eyes narrowed. And then a tear fell from her eye. “How could you? How could you possibly do this to her? To me?!”

Twilight turned and began to run away, lighting her horn even as she did. Her body began to fade as her teleportation progressed, but Shining Armor’s own magic had a grip on her long before she could flash away. Abruptly a clear cube of force surrounded her, forcing her back into solid existence.

Twilight turned and glared at Shining Armor as the cube disappeared. “How dare you cancel my teleportation?” She tried again but this time Armor tackled her and forced her into the dirt.

“What’s the big deal?” he asked between a gasp for air. “You’re gay too!”

“That doesn’t matter! I’m not living a lie in some sham marriage that’s going to break your wife’s heart and send you to pony hell!”

Slowly Shining Armor let her up. “She knows,” he said taking a deep breath.

“You’re lying,” Twilight quietly said as she wiped at her eyes. “Why would she go through with it?”

“Let me put it—”

“Why,” said Twilight speaking over him, “would she dedicate her entire life to propping up some coward who’s too ashamed to just admit what he is?! Don’t you think I’ve had to face hate and discrimination? I didn’t like it, but I did face it!”

Pinkie watched the sibling’s emotions escalate with ever growing horror. Abruptly she recalled the reason she had been asked to stay. Slipping through the bonds of space, she popped up between the two and looped her forelegs around both their shoulders.

“Hey Shiny,” she said.

Shining Armor blinked. “Uhh... what is it Pinkie?”

“How am I doing as a calming influence? Do I need to step it up a notch?”

A snort escaped Shining Armor despite the stallion’s best attempts to hold it back. Even Twilight grinned briefly before slaying it.

“You’re doing just fine,” he said.  Then he looked at Twilight and frowned. “This is for her benefit Twilight, not mine.”

“What does—”

“Hear me out for five seconds! Princess Cadence is a matchmaker. She lives for it. She helps lovers reconcile, parents bond with their children, foals and adults make best friends, and the only reason she does it is because she wants to see other ponies smile.”

Shining Armor paused and took a breath, as if daring Twilight to interrupt. She didn’t.

“She’s a beautiful mare, and all the time, sometimes several times a day, ponies ask her out to breakfast, lunch, dinner, coffee, walks in the park. And she turns them down. She says she can’t give them what they want from her. The only love she needs for herself is the love of friendship and family. But she’s had to crush them every time. More mares and stallions than she can count. And every time she does it, her own heart breaks.

“So I suggested the arrangement. She was worried about tying me down at first, but in all honesty, I’m already married to my uniform. I’m not giving up all that much. Maybe one day one of our situations will change and we’ll have to rethink this, but I don’t see it happening anytime soon.”

Twilight blinked a few times and sat on her haunches. “But... that time you beat Chrysalis...”

“Yeah? You saved Equestria through the love you had for five mares that you had barely known for a day. I had an advantage, I’ve known Princess Cadence for much longer than that.” Shining Armor got a goofy grin on his face. “And, heh, sorry to sound sappy but I think I love her more than I could ever love another stallion.”

“And on your wedding night...”

“We baked brownies and watched Mill and Race.”

“Oh. I...” Twilight was crying again. “I can’t believe I thought the worst of you.”

Shining lay his neck atop Twilight’s and calmed her down. “Shh, listen Twilight. I know it’s weird. I don’t even expect you to understand all of it at once. But if you take anything out of this at all, then let it be this: There are a lot of ponies in this world. Your mind is so organized and analytical, and you want to figure everypony out. But there are things you haven’t yet gotten. You don’t understand everything about me. And you don’t understand everything about Princess Celestia either.”

“What do you mean?” Twilight said in a hushed voice.

“You think I’m going to pony hell?”


Twilight looked away “No, I don’t. Princess Celestia told me you were though, so I must be wrong.”

“When you come across a new fact, didn’t she teach you to verify it independently of the source whenever possible?”

“Of course. But I’m not just going to go against her!”

“Loyalty is a commendable trait. But you’re falling into an old habit Twilight. I never tried to hide who I was from you. But you insisted on seeing me as some knightly prince destined to sweep the princess off her hooves. There’s more to me than that. You keep looking at ponies and seeing what you want. Honestly, it’s one of your more endearing traits. But sometimes it keeps you from seeing what you need to see.”

Twilight said nothing.

“Think about it. Listen,” he looked over his paint-stained fur. “I’d like to hit the showers. Catch you later?”

“Sure.” Twilight gave her brother a peck on the cheek and he left.

Twilight and Pinkie began the journey back to their camp, not speaking until they were back on the path.

“Thanks for being here with me,” she said at last. “I wish you hadn’t seen us fight but... it was better than having to face him alone, oddly enough.”

Pinkie wondered if now was a good time to confess her feelings. Surely there wasn’t a bad time to confess them, but even she felt this was an awkward segue.

“Hey,” said Twilight glancing over at her. “I forgot in all the excitement that you wanted to tell me something.”

That was all the invitation Pinkie Pie needed. “I want to be your special somepony,” she said cheerfully.

Twilight stopped and stared at her. “Huh?”

“I don’t just love you,” she said, looking Twilight in the eye. “I’m in love with you!”

“I had no idea,” said Twilight, mouth hanging open. “I mean I thought when you kissed Fluttershy—”

“I was thinking of you when I kissed her!” That was true. She was thinking of Twilight, and Rarity, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, and Fluttershy. And whether or not Fluttershy’s tongue tasted more like bananas or caramel.

Twilight flushed immediately. “R-really? I’ve never really thought of you in that way.”

Pinkie Pie grinned from ear to ear. “So can we date? Please?”

Twilight looked away. “I’ve been carrying a torch for Princess Celestia as long as I can remember.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. And if this keeps up, I have a feeling I’m going to die alone. I’ve thought about what Shining Armor told me. There are so many different kinds of love. And all I’ve been doing is holding on to a foal’s dream with fantasies about the princess. She’s my teacher, and I will always be her student. And that’s a beautiful thing. I’m done wasting away hoping to change our relationship into something that it’s not.”

Pinkie Pie felt Twilight’s flank and shoulder brushing against hers. “It’s too early to say if I can feel the same way about you, Pinkie Pie. But I think I owe it to both of us to give you a chance. So we’ll... see how this goes?” Twilight giggled. “I’ve never gone out with another pony before. You’ll have to tell me what you want to do.”

******

“Watch this!” cried Dash as she did a forward flip in the air followed by a perfect loop.

“That’s great Dashie, do it again!” Pinkie squealed and clapped her hooves.

Dashie did not.

"...Rainbow?"

Dash squinted off into the distance and then landed by Pinkie’s side. “Uhh... Pinkie Pie? I thought I saw something really weird over that hill. It looked like a mare who looks just like you...”

Pinkie leaned forward. "Really?"

"Yeah. She had her forearms around—"

“Applejack? Are you okay?” asked Pinkie.

“Ah’m fine sugarcube, head’s just a bit muddled is all.”

They trotted along in silence, coming down from the crest of a hill towards the nearby riverbed. The water distorted theri reflections, and Applejack spoke first.

"To tell ya the truth," she said, as she watched her watery counterpart, "I am a bit concerned about Dash and—"

“Fluttershy? You’re not talking very much,” said Pinkie, leaning over and giving the pegasus’s neck a nuzzle as they stood up.

“Sorry Pinkie. I guess I’m just worried that we haven’t seen very much of—”

“Twilight!” called Rarity as she galloped over to Pinkie and her new girlfriend. “There you are, thank goodness! I don’t mean to alarm you, but a few hours ago I was talking with Pinkie Pie and I just realized what she told me. It really should have set off more of a warning and... and... Twilight?”

Twilight wasn’t looking at her. She was looking at Applejack, who was walking down the riverside with Pinkie Pie, and Fluttershy, who was also walking towards them in the opposite direction with Pinkie Pie, and Rainbow Dash, who was peeking up from a tall bed of grass where she was just kissing Pinkie Pie.

“Surprise!” said Pinkie Pie beside Twilight.

“Oh sweet Celestia,” whispered Rarity. “I’m too late.”

They all gathered together, looking at Pinkie Pie’s various incarnations. Pinkie realized that she was the only one smiling. Didn’t they understand?

Pinkie Pie pulled her chart out of nowhere. “See, I just realized that with Fluttershy and Dashie together, and the rest too, I was the only one left out! But you girls are my best friends and I know you’d never want to leave me out on purpose, so I—”

“So ya what?” said Applejack, voice thick and fierce. “Just told me whatever ya please?”

“Umm, Applejack,” murmured Fluttershy, stepping away from her Pinkie Pie and towards Pinkie Pie. “I don’t think—”


“Not now Shy!” Applejack choked back a sob. “I gotta be somewhere else right now.” Applejack kicked off to a gallop and ran up the incline leading back to camp.

“Wait,” whispered Fluttershy.

Pinkie Pie felt her shoulders going numb. What was Applejack angry about? Didn’t she want to be friends anymore? She wanted to run after her to find out what the problem was, but hesitated in fear of what else her orange friend might say.

“Girls,” she said weakly. “Why is she—”

Rainbow Dash was in her face in an instant. “What the hay were you doing with Fluttershy anyway? I thought I could trust you.”

Dashie was angry. Too angry. Pinkie closed her eyes so she wouldn’t have to see. Her space-distortion doubles faded away without the cheer and positive energy she needed to ignore the natural laws that said such things were impossible. Even with her eyes closed she could still hear her friends voices, speaking all at once.

“Pinkie Pie, am I to understand that you were,” Rarity cleared her throat, “two-timing our friends? I should hardly have to explain to you that such behavior is unacceptable for a lady.”

Pinkie folded all four of her legs beneath her, trying to shrink into nothing.

“And what have I told you about the superposition principle? It only applies to electrons! Ponies can’t exist in more than one place at a time!”

“I was counting on you to help me out of a bind, and then you go and—”

“STOP IT! CAN’T YOU SEE SHE DOESN’T EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT SHE DID WAS WRONG?”

Everypony stopped. Pinkie opened one eye to see who had spoken. It was Fluttershy.

“Actually,” said Twilight. “I really don’t understand what she did either. I mean not even a unicorn spell can allow a pony to exist in four—”

“Twilight...”

“Not what you meant. Sorry!”

“What I mean,” Fluttershy said as Pinkie felt her wing falling over her back, “Is that I think it would be more productive if you maybe just explained to her how she upset you and why she shouldn’t do that anymore. If you feel like it.”

Pinkie felt a soft snout brushing against her closed eyes, wiping away the tears that were forming. “There there,” cooed Fluttershy. “Your friends didn’t mean to scare you.”

Pinkie felt a separate pair of hooves around her back. Then a second set, followed almost immediately by a third.

“We’re sorry we overreacted,” said Twilight. “Let’s go back to the dorm and discuss this.”

“Where’s Applejack?” asked Pinkie, finally gaining the nerve to speak. “I don’t want to lose her as a friend forever.”

“You won’t,” said Rainbow Dash, giving Pinkie’s head a rub. “She just needs a chance to cool down and understand what happened.”

“I’ll track her down,” said Rarity, and galloped off.

The rest of the group began the walk back to the lodging house. Pinkie stuck close to Fluttershy, trotting in silence under the comfort of her warm wing.

“Fluttershy,” announced Rainbow Dash abruptly, trying not to choke. “I cheated on you.”

“Umm... yes, I know. So did I. I’m awfully sorry about that...”

“Not that,” said Rainbow Dash. “Yesterday afternoon I met up with Soarin. I wasn’t even thinking about what I was doing, I just kissed him.”

It took Fluttershy a while to reply. “I’m sorry,” she said at last.

“Fluttershy? No, I’m the one that needs to apologize!”

Fluttershy shook her head. “You’re the Element of Loyalty. I know you would have never done that if I wasn’t such a terrible girlfriend. I’ll try harder if you’re still interested Rainbow Dash. And if you’re not, that’s okay too.”

“It’s not you,” said Dash, biting her lip.

Fluttershy had no response.

When they arrived at the cabin a tea kettle was already whistling out a jet of steam. As Pinkie took a seat on a wool blanket and waited, Twilight removed the boiling water from the heat and floated out six cups and accompanied by bags of orange spice.

“What have I done,” the purple unicorn moaned out loud suddenly as she prepared the mixtures. “My heart belongs to the princess, how could I have given up so easily?”

The door opened, and they were joined by Rarity and Applejack. The latter sat across from Pinkie on her own blanket. Twilight was the last one to join the circle, after serving everypony a cup.

Nopony spoke for several moments, waiting for their drinks to cool and sipping them experimentally. Pinkie’s eyes wandered over each of her friends. None of them were paying any particular attention to her.

None of them were smiling.

Pinkie realized that she liked them better when they were all shouting at her. She became aware of a growing weariness.

“Alright,” said Rarity breaking the silence. “Applejack would like to explain why she feels upset. Is that okay Pinkie?”

Pinkie took a long drink and nodded, blinking the fatigue away.

“Good,” said Rarity, stacking her own empty cup with the others and setting them aside. “Whenever you’re ready Applejack.”

Applejack took a quick swig of her drink. “Pinkie,” she said very calmly.


“Yes Applejack?”

“Ah think somepony drugged the tea.”

“Oh wow, you’re right...” Pinkie managed before she slumped to the ground and allowed sleep to subdue her.

IV

Months later, Rarity still thought about Big Macintosh and Caramel.

It had happened on the way to Sweet Apple Acres, when a flushed Caramel had shouted over a shoulder-high fence to a nearly mute but ever indomitable Big Macintosh. Rarity could had hardly ignored the bellowing.

“Now you listen here Big Macintosh!” cried the brown colt furiously. “You... you...”

And at that point he broke down.

“You were right about everything! I owed you five bits and I should have paid it back when ya asked!”

“Eeyup.”

Caramel tore a small pouch from his saddlebag and threw it at Big Macintosh’s hooves.

“Here ya go,” he said tearfully. “Ah don’t care about the money, I just don’t want to fight about it anymore!”

“Eeeyup.”

And then, to Rarity’s amazement, they embraced.

“Ah don’t believe it,” said a grey-bearded worker as he carried a bale of hay past Rarity’s left. “That was the worst fight they ever had. I’m just glad it’s all over with and we can git back to normal.”

The rancher was gone before Rarity thought to ask about that statement.

That was the worst fight they ever had?

That was the low point of Big Macintosh’s friendships?

At that point, Rarity seriously considered switching to stallions. The temptation would return to her every so often in moments of weakness. Why not don a hoofball cap, stick hayseed in her mouth, and just be one of the boys?

Yes it would destroy nearly very all of her sensibilities. But on the other hoof, she pondered as she lay semi-conscious in the company of her drugged thoughts, how many times in a week did Big Macintosh have to wake up in a drugged stupor after finding the tea was spiked?

Stallions had it easy, she decided as she gradually became aware of the cool wooden floor pressing against her face.

Rarity struggled to awake. No good, her stubborn eyes remained shut tight, trapping her in that dreamless realm between sleep and alertness.

Very well, such are the consequences of a fragile constitution. A lady can’t exert herself too often after all. She relaxed and tried to recall what had happened, paying no mind to the slow departure of her consciousness.

A medical procedure?

No, that didn’t seem right.

A blow to the head?

Troubling, and best not to dwell upon.

Pinkie Pie?

Once again, Pinkie Pie was the usual suspect for a reason. Yes, that was how it all began.

What was it this time? Rarity recalled her friends sitting in that room, all those troubles and unhappiness that they thought they had so masterfully concealed laid bare. And all because of Pinkie’s random acts of romance, bless the poor dear.

Everypony’s troubles, that is, except her own.

A burst of stars danced across Rarity’s vision and her head spun. As she struggled to recollect her thoughts, she thought about her conversation with Luna.

*****

“We could not help but notice your distress,” said Luna, stepping into the clearing where Rarity sat.

Rarity hastily wiped the dripping mascara from her face and stood up, bowing humbly. The presence of royalty demanded certain observances, and a lady did not ignore them.

“I didn’t mean to disturb you princess!” Rarity was never quite comfortable with royalty. While her own conduct would of course be impeccable, a royal could by contrast do whatever they pleased without causing offense. That massage Luna had requested yesterday being the case in point.

“Please,” said Luna, “talk to me. We are the guardian of all our subjects dreams, and we would not have you upset while you slumber.”

Rarity glanced around the field. “It doesn’t feel like I’m sleeping, princess.”

“You are not. But you will be.”

Rarity blinked but did not question the odd statement. Princess Luna could be afforded her eccentricities.

“It’s about... well, I suppose you saw enough to know what it was about.”

“A mare.”

“Yes darnit a mare. She’s the one for me; I know it, she knows it, and if only she weren’t so stubborn then that would be all there is to it!”

“How do you know which is the one for you?”

‘“Why it’s the simplest thing ever. You take the one who is kind, honorable and strong, and then you polish away all the rough edges.” Rarity lifted a hoof and briefly mimed wiping at a surface.

“The problem is perhaps money? As we recall, earth ponies are a clannish sort and would need considerable bribes to mix unicorn blood into their lines. If your own family cannot secure the marriage, we would be happy to step in with veiled threats and additional gifts.”

Rarity blanched. “Oh no no, that wouldn’t do at all your Majesty! These days the old tribe lines are rather blurry.”

“Then we shall gift you with our poison lipstick. Put her under as it were, and she can easily be moved to where she cannot easily return home and must rely on you.”

Rarity’s jaw dropped. She knew Luna had trouble adjusting, but it was hard to imagine that there was ever a time when such a suggestion would have been acceptable. She began to stammer out some half-formed criticism to express her objection, when Luna interrupted her by blowing a raspberry.

Calming inwardly, Rarity rolled her eyes. “Good one your majesty,” she said dryly.

 “Thank you fair Rarity. Now would you care to discuss this?”

“Your majesty, I don’t wish to offend but I don’t know if this is a situation that a... princess could relate to.”

“Pinkie Pie.”

Rarity glanced to her left and then her right. “Your majesty, we don’t invoke her name carelessly, it has been known to summon her.”

Luna’s voice softened and went up an octave. “Ever since my return, my big sister has been coaxing me into social gatherings and telling me to make friends. And I do my best to connect to ponies but I fear I have... limited social resources. My work only rarely requires interaction with others and now I fear I simply can’t connect with them.”

Rarity looked at Luna and for the first time really saw her. The princess of the night had a frightening demeanor, muscles tensed and perpetually frowning. She reminded Rarity of a dress just a size too small. Awkward, stiff, and prone to tear in one careless movement.

“But that silly mare’s exuberance warms my old heart. If only that smile could be my armor, then all of Canterlot would hold no fears for me.”

Rarity stepped closer and looked up into Luna’s distant eyes. “Have you told her this?”

“I attempted to, yes. I don’t think she quite understood me.”

“It can take more than once with her, especially if she’s distracted. And she’s almost always distracted. You’re going to have to be direct. Use language she understands. Tell her: ‘Will you be my special somepony?’”

Luna tilted her head. “Special in what manner?”

“That’s a typical saying in this day and age. A declaration of romantic interest.”

Rarity’s heart leapt into her throat as Luna seized her and crushed her against her bosom. It took her a moment to recognize the gesture as one of affection.

“Thank you fair Rarity. It is so hard to keep up with the times.”

Rarity faked a laugh and a smile, and struggled out of Luna’s grasp. “Don’t mention it, good luck with that!”

Luna lowered her head and looked Rarity right in the eye. “Is turnabout not fair play in this modern era?”

Rarity’s eyes narrowed. “You’re good.”

Luna sat on her haunches and waited.

“She won’t...” Rarity’s face tightened. “She won’t acknowledge our relationship. She’s happy enough to take my kisses, but then she says she’s just playing, or practicing, or whatever ridiculous excuse muddles its way into that thick skull! I just... I want a chance to put her on a pedestal. To wipe the dirt off her face and see what lies underneath. And then have her lift me up and put me on that same pedestal, like I know only she can.”

Luna nodded. “You understand, you have to take it away from her.”

“Pardon?”

“Force her to make a choice. Let her lose you, and see what she does to get you back.”

“Oh, I know. That’s why I’m leaving for Canterlot.”

“A bit drastic, perhaps?”

Rarity shook her head. “It’s for me, really. Canterlot is the city of my dreams. Just one extended visit made me happier than I’ve ever been in my life, and to live there? I finally have a chance, and I can’t turn it down.”

“And your friends?”

“I haven’t told them yet. It... it’s going to be hard to break the news. I’m not even planning on leaving Ponyville forever, just enough time to set up a second Carousel Boutique and find a worthy apprentice to carry on in my name. I’ll be back in a few months... or a year or two... at most.”

“It’s a lonely decision, fair Rarity.”

“I can do it if Applejack is with me. And if not... I’ll probably need some time away anyway.”

“Might I suggest a pact between us?”

Rarity blinked.

“For good or for ill, we will make our confessions to the ones we desire. When it is done we will either celebrate our success or console our failure. And if fate should be so cruel, then perhaps we will do both.”

“I think I’d like that,” said Rarity with a faint flush.

Luna leaned forward, offering her dark-glowing horn to Rarity. Recognizing the gesture, Rarity put some magic into her own horn and tapped it against the princess’s. She felt a brief jolt of pleasure she hadn’t expected, and then nothing.

*****

Rarity awoke to the sound of voices. The shifting mass of a blurry, murmuring crowd briefly revealed her friends, but they vanished before she could be sure of what she had seen.

A hoof shook Rarity’s shoulder, and her eyes flickered open.

It was that powerful, sweaty, beautiful mare standing over her. “Rise n’ shine Rarity. Princess Celestia’s got somethin’ to tell us.”

“S’that so...” mumbled Rarity, her head still muddled by the drugged mixture.

The recreation area wasn’t immediately recognizable with so many ponies in it. Familiar faces from both Ponyville and Canterlot filled Rarity’s view, chatting fervently to each other as Princess Celestia made her way through the mob and towards a clear area.

It took Rarity a moment to notice Twilight Sparkle trailing behind the royal unicorn.

“Attention, my little ponies,” said Celestia. The crowd instantly silenced. “I fear that I have made a grave error, constructing this Straight Camp and forcing our beloved champions to attend. Let us now do away with this nonsense and instead celebrate our culture of love and benevolence, and do so until the dawn breaks!”

The crowd cheered and Rarity felt Applejack throwing a forearm around her. “Isn’t that great Rare? Listen, the way Ah’ve been treating you wasn’t right. Truth is, my heart’s been yours for a long time. Ah was just scared to tell ya how I felt. Ah hope ya can forgive me. Ah’m ready ta be yer special somepony, if ya still want it.”

Rarity looked back at Applejack. Her head was clearing and her vision was much better now. Something seemed off. Rarity glanced left and right, under the watchful eyes of Applejack. Despite being near the perimeter of the room, she felt like the center of attention. In the span of a few seconds she caught a half-dozen discreet glances, no doubt thought unnoticed by her watchers. The gnawing chill in her stomach did wonders to perk her up.

“Rarity?” asked Applejack tentatively. “Is there a problem?”

“A problem?” Rarity put on a false grin and plucked Applejack’s hoof from her shoulder. “Where do I begin? Your coat is off-color, you’ve got an extra freckle right... here” Rarity gave Applejack’s cheek a brush to indicate it, “the apples on your Cutie Mark form an inverse triangle, your mane is about six inches too short and...” Rarity paused to breathe, and took the opportunity to reach behind ‘Applejack’s’ ear and rub it. Her hoof squeaked sharply against the earth pony’s coat.

“Applejack never cleans behind her ears.”

Applejack blinked, and stepped back. “C’mon Rares, that’s crazy talk! Ah just want to make you happy.”

Rarity sighed. “I suppose I can appreciate the effort, darling. And you do the accent well, I must say.”

She looked the second-rate duplicate over and felt her vision clouding with rage. Here this imposter stood, its very existence spitting in the eye of the one thing Applejack stood for above everything else: Honesty.

“But this isn’t a story. And I already know I don’t get a happy ending.”

She concentrated on her horn and brought out the magic simmering within. Once it began to glow a healthy light blue, she let loose and blasted ‘Applejack’ with her best cancellation spell. Her aim was true and the spell quickly did its work, stripping away orange fur and solid muscles and replacing them with a black carapace and spindly, swiss-cheese insect legs.

Rarity didn’t wait for the creature to recover. She began firing indiscriminately into the crowd, getting Bon Bon in the head as she backed away, nailing Fleur De Lis as she turned to face her with a stupid blink, and then turning her aim upward to blast Soarin’s underbelly, the shock of the impact forcing him to make a clumsy landing even as he reverted into the form of a changeling.

When a precision shot struck Derpy Hooves as she hid behind a chair, the grey pegasus became Fluttershy. That shocked Rarity into ceasing her assault.

She shoved through the crowd and to the staggered pegasus’s side. “Darling,” she moaned as she helped her friend to her hooves, “I’m so sorry. I had no idea that was you!”

“It was my fault Lyra,” said Fluttershy, her voice barely above a whimper. “I shouldn’t have gotten in the way of your spell like that.”

Rarity blinked slowly. “Lyra?”

 Before Fluttershy could answer, Twilight broke through the crowd. “We’re in the presence of a Changeling Queen. I did research on their species after the wedding. The most powerful changelings can also alter the appearance of their victims!”

Rarity nodded hastily. “What do we do?”

“Well, your spells seem to be doing a great job so far, but in a big crowd like this, you need to cast a wide area modification to get everypony at once.”

“So, advanced magic?”

Twilight nodded happily.

Rarity just stared at her.

After a moment Twilight had the good grace to look sheepish. “Right, one wide area dispel, coming right up!”

The crowd watched her in silence, including the few changelings Rarity had managed to reveal.

Twilight began the spell, but stopped before it could be completed. “Oh, before I begin, everypony please brace yourselves, you might feel a little impact from this. That is if any of my friends are in there. For those of you who are creepy changelings, I don’t really care if you get jostled around a little.”

The crowd continued to wait.

Twilight’s horn began to glow a strong magenta, and her eyes turned a brilliant white. A shockwave of magic exploded from the little unicorn’s body, washing over the horde of ponies and exposing them for changelings. Some of the simmering, shifting forms didn’t become changelings. Time Turner by the watercooler became Applejack, Berry Punch backing against the wall morphed into Pinkie Pie, and against the monochrome of changeling flesh in the crowd, Rainbow Dash suddenly stood out with ease.

The kinetic force wasn’t as bad as Twilight had warned: she truly was a skilled magic-user. Having braced themselves properly, the ponies in the crowd quickly pushed through the masses of changelings as they picked themselves up off their hooves. In a few moments, the six were joined again.

There were nearly a hundred changelings in the room. Rarity never relished a fight, but this one did not look particularly winnable. She turned her attention on the biggest threat in the room - Queen Chrysalis, formerly posing as Princess Celestia.

Everypony remained silence, each side seeming to be waiting for the other to make a move.

“This isn’t what it looks like,” Queen Chrysalis said at last.

Pinkie Pie burst out into laughter. “Isn’t what it looks like?” she squealed between giggles. “Get it? They’re changelings!”

“It’s not funny,” said Rarity sourly.

Twilight Sparkle stepped forward. “Is that so Chrysalis?” she spat through gritted teeth. “Because to me it looks like you had yourself disguised as Princess Celestia and kidnapped me and my friends!”

Queen Chrysalis looked away and sucked in air nervously. “Well... yes. That is what it looks like. But I only did it because I knew you would never give me the time of day otherwise.”

“You’re right,” said Twilight coldly. “Come on girls, let’s go find Princess Celestia. You’ll be hearing from the Elements of Harmony soon, Chrysalis!”

Rarity looked toward the double door leading outside. The changelings in the way had begun hissing and fluttering their wings in agitation. She wouldn’t go against Twilight’s decision. If this was their last stand, Celestia have mercy.

“Let them go,” said Chrysalis.

A few glanced her way but none of them moved.

“I said now!” snarled the queen.

At once they scattered and a path to the door was clear.

Twilight made it five steps and then stopped, Rarity following cautiously. They began to move again, and got a few more steps before Twilight turned to Chrysalis with a scowl.

“What are you up to?”

Chrysalis slunk towards them, a terrible grace to her malformed body. “I’m glad you asked,” she said, purring out the words. “I want one thing to be clear. I’m not here for payback. I won’t spill your blood. When I led my children here, I didn’t know who I would find. I just let my nose guide me to the biggest heap of misery and sorrow in your entire realm. And what do I see? The Elements of Harmony! I might find this amusing, but as it happens I’m in a grave situation.”

“Don’t think you can divide us Chrysalis!”

“Divide you? Oh no no,” said Chrysalis, lowering her voice to a husky growl. “I want to unite you. Beneath me.”

Twilight blanched. “Excuse me?”

“Let me be clearer. I want to be... inside you.”

Twilight snorted. “Ahah! You want to manipulate us psychologically until you’re inside our head and all our innermost secrets are laid bare to you!”

Chrysalis blinked, looked away, and then smiled coyly. “I can assure you, it’s much less complicated than that.”

Rarity kept her eyes on the changeling queen as she moved intimately closer, her perverse gaze dragging along each of them. Queen Chrysalis glanced over her shoulder to her followers. “Let them see,” she barked.

The swarm parted to make way for a dozen of the largest changelings, pushing and pulling along two dozen other changelings. At first Rarity thought they were prisoners, but as she watched them move she realized that the smaller creatures were struggling to stand, and leaning on their comrades for support.

“They’re starving,” said Chrysalis in a tone devoid of emotion. “And they’re my responsibility.

“Now, your previous experiences with my people are what we call an offensive union. That’s a procedure where we incapacitate a pony with loved ones and replace them with ourselves, in order to feed.”

“Like you fed on my brother!” spat Twilight.

Chrysalis’ lips pulled back into a sneer. “Of course, begrudge me the deceit of one pony while ignoring your own sins. I don’t suppose you recall the pesticide wars?”

Twilight Sparkle raised a brow. “My history lessons never mentioned anything like that...” she said uncertainly.

“They wouldn’t. Suffice to say you aren’t as blameless in our enmity as you think. But the truth is, offensive unions are rare and only authorized with my permission; a permission that for many reasons I will no longer be granting. Much more common is the symbiotic union. This is where we scout out a pony who is troubled by love. The grieving widower, the unlucky best friend, the jilted lover. And we give them what they can never have.

“In fact,” said Chrysalis. “I’ve thought of a little saying. Once you go changeling, you... hrmm. Actually now that I think of it, that’s as far as we’ve gotten. We changelings have many skills, but rhyming is not one of them.”

“Ooh! I know!” cried Pinkie Pie, raising her hoove. “How about ‘Once you go change, you’re free on the range!”

Chrysalis wrinkled her snout and then sighed. “That’s... that’s going to have to do until we can think of something better. Thanks, I guess.”

“You’re welcome!”

“Pinkie,” said Twilight in an assertive murmur. “Stop helping her!”

“Oh, sorry!”

The towering queen began circling them like a timber wolf. “So perhaps you see what I’m getting at. My offer is not so evil. Nothing will be taken from you that you will not eventually get back.”

Her voice seemed to encompass the entire room and seep through Rarity’s bones like a viscous slime. “Abandon this painful reality. Together we can replace it with an illusion more to your liking. It’s so very rare for a pony to find happiness on their own. Almost impossible really. It’s not so wrong to accept a little help, is it?”

“Get lost!” screamed Rainbow Dash.

“No way, no bucking how!” roared Applejack.

“Absolutely not!” said Rarity.

“Out of the question!” said Twilight Sparkle.

“Okay,” said Fluttershy.

“Then it’s settled,” said Twilight with no small amount of satisfaction. “We’re not going to fall– what? Fluttershy?”

Fluttershy bowed her head as she stepped forward to awkwardly face the ponies. “I’m so sorry,” she said with wide, pleading eyes. “I really don’t feel good about going against the group like this. But..” she bit her lip as she looked over the malnourished changelings. “I can’t let a starving creature go hungry. Please just... don’t ask me to do that.”

“Fluttershy, darling!” Rarity cried out. “You simply mustn’t listen to her. Yes, perhaps they genuinely do need help, and if that’s the case then it’s all the more important we leave now and find Princess Celestia. Surely she’ll be able to help them without putting anypony in danger!”

“Listen to her,” urged Twilight.

Fluttershy wouldn’t meet Rarity’s eyes. “I’m very sorry, but I can’t let them suffer. I hope you aren’t too mad at me.”

Trembling, the pegasus approached the changeling matriarch. “Is umm... is it okay if I can have Rainbow Dash?”

Rarity heard an anguished mewl and a thump behind her. She turned to see Rainbow Dash on the floor, having lost the will to stand on her own four legs. Her mouth hung open and her eyes were distended and moist.

Rainbow looked as though she were too shocked to cry, and Rarity could not keep her gaze on that carefree and fearless friend of hers.

“You’ve chosen well Fluttershy,” whispered Chrysalis. “And you’re doing a service to my children that I will not overlook.” The queen glanced back to her changelings with a nod, raising a prickled hoof to pick one out of the group. “Step forward, you. You belong to her now— Fluttershy has already dictated what she desires.”

On shaking legs, one of the changelings stumbled out of the crowd. Its weary, green eyes told more than all the dirt, grime, and soot that littered each of the swiss-cheese holes puncturing its skin. It gave Fluttershy a smile full of fang.

Fluttershy opened her mouth, but before she could speak the Changeling began to flicker and strobe, disappearing behind a curtain of static haze. A blue pegasus emerged from the transformation, her cyan coat and powerful wings a match vis-a-vis with the dismayed, real Rainbow Dash staring mouth wide-opened behind Fluttershy.

It didn’t last.

The blue melted away into black, the feathered wings crumbled into insectoid appendages, and the form shimmered and evaporated back into a fledgling, whimpering Changeling. Only the green eyes remained.

Chrysalis rushed to the weakling’s side.

The creature let out a grateful cry and fell, resting fully against its queen.

With tenderness that astounded Rarity, the monarch leaned down and touched her horn against its brow. The changeling glowed green and then became Rainbow Dash again, this time for good.

“There we are,” said Chrysalis as she gently guided ‘Rainbow Dash’ over to Fluttershy. “Your good friend Rainbow Dash. Is there anything you want to say to her?”

Fluttershy smiled hesitantly. “Hello Rainbow Dash. Do you want to go for a walk with me?”

“Yeah, I guess so,” said the changeling with a smile. It leaned against Fluttershy, relying heavily on her for support as the two headed for the door.

“That settles it,” said Pinkie Pie. “It’s time for a party!”

“No... Pinkie, we’re leaving.” The resolve had been drained from Twilight’s voice. Her gaze hadn’t yet moved from the door where Fluttershy had left.

“Aww, I really wanted you to be there too,” said Pinkie. She bounced over to Queen Chrysalis. “Oh well! Can I get Twilight Sparkle, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Applejack, Fluttershy, and ohh... Vinyl Scratch on music?”

“Absolutely,” said Chrysalis.

“Pinkie,” said Rarity in a near-whine. “Not you too.”

Pinkie turned solemnly to the group. “Now look. I don’t think Queen Chrysalis can really be that bad with a line like ‘This isn’t what it looks like,’” Pinkie giggled once more at the recitation of the joke. “But you’re still my friends. If you really want to go grab the Elements of Harmony and hit Queen Chrysalis with them, then I am totally on board with that. But until then, somepony should stay behind and look after Fluttershy. And while I’m looking after Fluttershy, then I might as well party!”

Queen Chrysalis selected a half-dozen changelings that obediently morphed in accordance with Pinkie Pie’s specifications. One conga-line out of the room later, and they were down to four.

Rainbow Dash struggled to rise. “Uhh... Twilight?”

“Yes Rainbow Dash?” Twilight was staring at the floor. Her voice was completely listless.

“You’ve all been really great y’know... not rubbing it in my face or anything. But there’s no need to pretend that I didn’t buck up... because... I really bucked up. I don’t think I can do that whole Loyalty thing anymore, and I don’t want to just pretend that nothing’s wrong all the way up until it becomes time to activate them and have the magic fizzle out. So... while you go and find a new Bearer would you really mind if I just chilled here and hung out with these guys?” She gestured to the changelings.

“Huh? Oh y-yeah, sure Rainbow, you do wh-what you need to do.” Twilight gave Rainbow Dash a weak smile.

“Rainbow!” said Rarity, trying but failing to keep the desperation out of her voice. “You never give up!”

“Hey it’s cool,” said Rainbow, looking guiltily away. “I mean, we can still be friends and everything, I’d never give that up. I just... I just need some time to gather my thoughts and everything. Like a vacation, y’know?”

Queen Chrysalis stepped towards Twilight Sparkle, ignoring Rainbow Dash for the moment. “You’re not as united as you believed, my little pony. But it’s not as if your friends have abandoned you. All they’ve done is made the correct decision; a decision you can make too.

“So... are there any dreams of yours I can make come true? Don’t answer that, I already know. I can taste your emotions, and see the shape of your desire.” Chrysalis’s body melted away to be replaced with that of a larger white pony, with radiant wings and an elegant horn. “How would you like to be happy, My Faithful Student?”

Twilight looked up at Chrysalis, her mouth forming into an ’O’. She blinked.

And then slowly, her mouth crept up into a smile.

Rarity didn’t even bother to protest. She turned to the last pony she had on her side, and the one she could always count on. That insufferably stubborn, painfully witless, freakishly strong, gorgeous, dependable, and completely indomitable mare.

She didn’t see what she expected.

Nowhere was the smoldering anger that Rarity wanted to see in Applejack’s eyes. Absent were the tensed muscles that demanded to be put into action. Gone was the solid posture that made her seem invincible.

Rarity searched desperately for a mirror of her own resolve and determination to act. She found nothing.

Rarity had seen enough.

“Rarity, what about yourself? You needn’t hide your desires either.” The awful voice was behind her, creeping seductively along her shoulder. It sounded no better even though it perfectly matched the voice of the princess. “Is that a cowboy hat I can see? The smell of dust and apples, and a strong back? You can have it all, Rarity.”

Rarity scowled. “I already know I won’t get a happy ending.”

Holding her head up high and closing her eyes, Rarity walked straight up to the door Fluttershy had vanished through. Spinning, she gave the door a buck that sent it cracking open. That mare would have been impressed, but Rarity didn’t know if she was even looking. With the night now exposed to her, Rarity plunged into it and broke into a gallop.

She couldn’t see where she was going. She was in grave danger of catching her hoof in a pothole and breaking a leg, or tripping over an obstacle and killing herself. Instead of dwelling on the danger, she inhaled and picked up as much speed as she could.

She dared a glance behind her. She couldn’t see or hear anything. Abruptly she screeched to a halt and looked carefully around.

Rarity was alone in the woods, on one of the camp paths. The changelings hadn’t even made a token effort to pursue her.

What was she doing? She couldn’t even say that her friends were wrong, they were hurting inside, just as she was. They might have been able to hide it from the world a little while longer if that blessed rascal Pinkie Pie hadn’t opened up the doors and shoved everything out into the open, but Pinkie Pie wasn’t the cause of all this.

Nor could Chrysalis really be blamed. Her desire to care for her children seemed legitimate enough, even if she couldn’t be trusted.

Rarity's heavy hoofsteps slowed, and then fell into silence. She restarted her trek, and stopped once more. Turning her head, she cast a look over her shoulder, and turned around. Sighing, she took a few steps back to the recreation center and Chrysalis.

She glanced back and forth, torn between the dark unknown of the woods that lay before her and the comfort of Applejack that lay behind her.

She wanted that mare. Wanted her kisses, her reassurances, and her acceptance. She wanted that mare to say ‘Yes Rarity, we will go to Canterlot together. And I’ll love you and take care of you until the day you die, like a prince does for his princess.’

But there was a paradox here. She had fallen in love with the paragon of honesty, and anything an imposter said would be a lie. A changeling substitute might work for any other lover, but not Applejack.

She wondered at that look she had shared with Applejack moments before she had fled. Surely she had misinterpreted it? Perhaps even now Applejack had regained her senses, only to wonder why her Rarity had fled the field of battle.

Or perhaps she had understood the look perfectly, and Applejack’s pain was plain for all to see.

She couldn’t waste time pondering it any longer. Rarity already had a plan.

With a simple light spell, Rarity’s horn emitted a gentle glow. Wielding her weapon against the dark, she retraced her steps until she arrived at Princess Celestia’s cabin.

“Your highness?” she asked from outside, not daring to raise her voice. The changelings may not have attacked her tonight, but they had been violent before, and she feared that they were simply waiting until she was alone to ambush her.

There was no response, so Rarity crept up to the door. As she raised a hoof to knock, her mind filled with visions of the noise reverberating through the entire forest, summoning waves of hissing and chittering enemies. Fear defeated her manners. This breech of etiquette would have to be forgiven just this once.

Uninvited, Rarity entered the building.

Her magic gave her more than enough illumination. There were books everywhere, stacked haphazardly and lying half-open. Rarity was dismayed at the mess but not surprised, she knew it was inevitable of any dwelling that Twilight lived in without Spike to look after her.

“Princess Celestia?” asked Rarity hopefully.

No answer. Rarity’s hope that this was going to be easy faded.

After ensuring that she was alone, Rarity began searching for a blank scroll and some ink. If she could get those items and find Spike elsewhere in the camp, then she could get a message to Princess Celestia.

When she got to the bedroom, she found the bed unmade and thoroughly unkempt. She didn’t really have time, but she spent a moment to fluff the pillows and straighten out the sheets and blankets anyway. Honestly, couldn’t Twilight at least try to be a little bit neat in the presence of royalty? To say nothing of the princess herself leaving her bed in such a state!

A plain wooden box poked out from beneath the bed. It might have been a container for parchment. Rarity pulled it free and opened it.

It turned out it was a jewelry box. Five pendants surrounded a beautiful diadem with a starburst symbol. The butterflies, the balloons, the apples... all were all present.

Rarity looked up. “Well, that was convenient,” she said to nopony in particular. She retrieved the diamond shape and pulled it over her neck. That done, she scavenged the office until she found a saddlebag to store the remaining elements.

The glow of her pale blue light lulled Rarity away from her panic as she stepped out, and the cool weight of the pendant against her breast imbued her with a new resolve. Seeing the elements would remind the others of what they stood for, and band them together once more. Even the changelings might benefit from the power of Harmony, as Princess Luna had all those months ago.

She decided to start with the recreation center, where she hoped to find Twilight Sparkle. Having the unicorn at her side would relieve her of the burden of decision-making and give her a powerful ally.

After all, she would almost certainly have to confront Chrysalis again. Rarity squeezed the element briefly, and quickened her pace.

A pair of changelings flanked the entrance. The light of her horn caught their attention immediately, but they simply watched Rarity from their post. Acting as though she had every right to be there, Rarity went directly to the door and opened it. She was not challenged.

Inside, changelings milled around the desks and equipment. A few had taken out board games and stared at the pieces in confusion, tossing them at the board, or pointlessly stacking them up. Alien heads turned as the unicorn trotted through the open doorway, and their eyes followed her progress through the room. Rarity heard the occasional chatter, and thought it possessed a hopeful tune.

From a side room came voices.

Rarity followed them to their source, coming before a red-paneled door with a dark frame.

The voices were distinct now.

“I suppose it was when you came of age that I first realized my love for you, my Faithful Student. You had learned each of my lessons without fail and grown into a mare that I was proud to have raised.”

Rarity blinked. Could Twilight really be... no... it was too much.

“Oh Princess, you’re making me blush!”

Or not. No matter what was going on in that room, Rarity’s blush was certainly fiercer.

Rarity pushed open the door.

‘Princess Celestia’ ignored her entrance. Twilight lay curled beneath her wing, pressed snugly against the imposter’s barrel. She glanced up at Rarity, but then closed her eyes and rested her head against the princess’s shoulder.

Chrysalis addressed her without looking up. “Speak with the guards about your desire, Rarity,” said Chrysalis, her voice a peaceable moan. “I am... otherwise preoccupied.”

“My desire is to see my friends happy and you defeated!”

“Your scent tells me you’re lying,” said Chrysalis carelessly.  “Tell them anyway. None of them can imitate the form of Queen Chrysalis, but they’re all excellent improvisers. They’ll think of something.”

“Trouble is, I want it to actually happen.”

“That could be a problem, we don’t deal in real events.”

Rarity gritted her teeth and ignored the sovereign. “Twilight,” she pleaded, trotting closer to the two. “You don’t really want this. It’s no better than a painting, sure you can admire it, but art only imitates life.”

At last, Twilight opened her eyes. “Have you ever wanted something you could never have, Rarity?”

“Absolutely.”

“More than life itself?”

Rarity thought of Applejack. “Of course,” she said.

“Then how do you deal with the pain? How can you spend your entire life ignoring your desire?”

“Well...” said Rarity, stalling for time. “One simply searches for other reasons to live...”

“Why search?” interjected Chrysalis. “Twilight Sparkle can already have her heart’s desire with me, her teacher and lover. The only thing she doesn’t want is a so-called friend trying to interfere with the happiness she has finally attained.”

“Silence!” screeched Rarity as the room flashed green. “One’s desires and one’s needs are two separate things, and the first must not interfere with the second! It sickens me how you have seduced my friends in the moment where they’re most vulnerable and broken, playing on their sympathies and heartbreaks like... like... a... where am I?”

Crickets chirped in response to Rarity. A rabbit stared up at the curious creature that had shimmered into existence before it. She was alone again in the dark woods.

Teleported! Chrysalis has teleported me!

Rarity huffed in frustration and stamped her hooves into the uncaring earth. It had been a good rant, and Twilight hadn’t even heard it.

Chrysalis was not only powerful but clever. If she injured or mistreated Rarity it would surely rally the others, but by simply teleporting her away against her will she was now out of sight and mind.

Rarity realized that she was lost. Transported far from any familiar path, she scanned the dense foliage for a trail, a road, a sign— anything. A glimmer of lights twinkled in the distance, but they seemed so far away. Too far away: Rarity was no hiker. She expected to exhaust herself before she got back.

Still, she had to start somewhere. Eyeing a rough patch of grass that resembled a withered trail— if you could call it that —Rarity sighed, and began her journey.

Every step taken lay heavy with self-doubt and the beginnings of despair. Her plan had failed. She would not reach Spike in time and had no way of communicating with either of the princesses. Taking care not to trip over a sharp branch, Rarity shook her head. Chrysalis was probably ]too powerful to overcome anyway.

Coming to a stop beside a tree, Rarity hesitated. Reaching into her bag, she pulled out the starburst tiara with a shaking hoof.

“Maybe...”

There in her hooves lay the greatest source of power in all of Equestria. Celestia herself had referred to it as the most powerful magic— when used alongside the other Elements. But it didn’t belong to her. Without the special attunement that Twilight Sparkle possessed, Rarity just had a pretty piece of jewelry.

Which meant there was no harm in trying.

She levitated the artifact atop her head. As the frail metal graced her brow, Rarity tingled at the contact. It began in her skull and sank through to her bones.

Rarity gasped upon seeing the world in perfect clarity for the first time. Every spectrum that fell beyond the reach of pony eyes, laid bare to see. The chilling night could no longer hide the forest’s path. She saw for the first time the unseen fibers connecting Magic with Generosity.

The ley lines of Equestria were bare before her, reacting to her subtle movements and fleeting thoughts. Her dreams could be made reality. Her desires were her will.

She could do this. She could win. She could look fabulous doing it.

Summoning a full length mirror from her house in Ponyville, Rarity ran a panicked eye up and down her reflection. The damages weren’t as bad as she had feared, but she still wouldn’t want to be seen in public, much less rescuing Equestria. Her mane was matted, there was dirt on her tail, her coat had been scruffed, and it looked like— Rarity leaned forward and scrunched her face —yes! She had chipped a hoof.

Well it was nothing a little all-powerful magic couldn't fix, was it?

Rarity pulled a hairbrush from the aethers, and breathed life into the red-wine woodwork. Buzzing into action, the brush at once began its work, running a tender touch through her silken mane.

Rarity melted as her hair lined into perfection. If only she had time for a little more pampering.

Well, maybe just a bit more . . .

A portal shimmered into existence beside her and a swarm of manicure products emerged. Her servants hovered and whizzed about her sculpture-like frame, tending to her damaged ego. A simple wave of the hoof and the nail filer dove for her hooves. Another thought, and the gloss’ shimmering surface began spreading across her coat.

Perfect. She wondered if she could get the princess to loan the Element of Magic to her again when this was all over. Strictly for professional occasions, of course. Perhaps she could even get a matching purse for it... On the other hand, she might never need to carry a purse around ever again.

She took a few precious moments to admire herself, then dismissed the mirror. Her friends couldn’t wait any longer.

Rarity had merely to think about where she would rather be, and she was shunted through space and back into the vicinity of the camp

Opening her eyes, Rarity blinked, and remembered to breathe.

I am still alive. The teleportation had worked! That crazy unicorn had a point, this was the way to travel.

Chrysalis remained in the recreation center but Rarity decided against immediately returning. It meant that Twilight would have to be rescued last, yes, but it also bought time to ensure everypony was safe and accounted for before the changelings discovered her plans.

That left the matter of finding them. If the blaring music and flashes of light coming from the dormitory were any indication, she had an idea.

Approaching the front door, Rarity knocked, but could hardly hear her own noise over the blare of music.

She reached again to knock, but stopped.It was ridiculous. She could teleport now. Doors no longer held any meaning to her.

Still, magic was no reason to ignore manners. “Yoo-hoo! It’s Rarity! May I come in?”

Finally the door opened and Rarity was face to face with... Rarity.

“Does this ever get awkward?” Rarity asked.

“You have no idea,” replied the double while stepping aside to allow Rarity through.

“I would have never applied so much mascara by the way,” she said with a sniff as she examined the chaos of one of Pinkie’s parties.

It seemed that the invitations had gone farther than just her close friends and Vinyl Scratch. Not only was half of Ponyville packed into the room, but several undisguised changelings could be spotted mixed in with the revelry.

Pinkie found her first. As Rarity tip-toed around a Fluttershy getting cider funneled down her throat, the earth pony popped up in front of her. Rarity couldn't be sure but it almost looked as though Pinkie had just emerged from a flower pot.

“Oh hey real Rarity! Did you meet everypony yet? Fake Berry Punch is over there with Fake Cloud Kicker, and those two changelings in the corner are Deceit and Denial.”

Rarity waved her hoof in an inquisitive circle. “Shouldn’t they be uhh... changed?”

Pinkie Pie’s eyes widened. “No! I told some of them to stay in their normal form. I know the changelings are our mortal enemies, but I don’t want my new friends to think I don’t accept them for who they are!”

Pinkie glanced to the side at ‘Fluttershy,’ who busied herself in making out with ‘Thunderlane.’ She glared and stalked over to the two.

“Ahem! I went over this before! Fluttershy is way too shy to just jump on everyone she meets!” She spun to ‘Thunderlane.’ “And you’re gay!”

“Sorry,” the two said as one and slunk off to vanish into the crowd.

“I’m so glad you decided to join us,” said Pinkie Pie, with her attention back on Rarity. “Making all these new friends is super fun, but it’s going to be even funner with one of my old friends! Ooh, have you met fake Rarity yet? You can talk fashion with each other!”

Rarity surveyed the chaos of the party. The droves of dancing ponies, the spilled drinks littering the floor, the dull, pounding music— it all made a foreboding sense to Rarity, but she needed confirmation. Impossible as it seemed, she needed some way to wring some sense out of Pinkie Pie.

Drawing upon those half-formed desires, the Element of Magic came to life, and placed the spell Rarity needed into her mind. Before she fully understood what had happened, the magic was cast. Her vision blurred and shifted as she left the real world to enter the mind of Pinkie Pie.

She appeared in a ballroom, no, a ballroom full of chickens. Octavia led the orchestra— all chickens disguised as, yes, chickens —in a somber classical, so brilliant in composure that Rarity had a hard time believing she had found it here, of all places.

A paradox lay beneath her hooves. The floor did not seem to be built out of solid mass but rather an infinite medley of swirling spirals that supported her quite well, yet it brought such dizziness that she could hardly stand.  The walls weren't much better, lined with balloons and streamers combining into a tasteless color clash that could have only been selected by Pinkie Pie.

Seeking an exit, Rarity froze in place at the sight of the two sole occupants of the dance floor: Nightmare Moon and Discord. The pair performed a masterful Lindy Hop across the floor, their strange bodies pressed close together.

“Your forehooves move masterfully, my dear,” Discord whispered to his partner as the two swung past Rarity.

She decided the ceiling might be a better place to rest her tired eyes. This proved to be a mistake, since overhead millions of unblinking eyeballs stared back at her.

Rarity shrieked and retreated her attention back to the relative safety of the dancers.

A bell began chiming.

“It’s fun o’clock!” cried a dismayed Discord, seizing a mute Nightmare Moon and pointing to some unseen exit. “Let’s get out of here!”

What? Rarity looked around in confusion as everypony, even the chickens, packed away their instruments—or in the case of Discord, Nightmare Moon— and ran away.

“Wait...” she cried, desperately trying to get anyone’s attention. “I need to find Pinkie’s memories! Where am I? How do I get out of here?”

An ominous rumble was the only reply.

Almost too afraid to look, Rarity turned, slowly, anticipating anything and everything. Her eyes did not disappoint.

A horde of thousands of Pinkie Pie’s stampeded towards her, eyes wild with excitement. “FUN!” they chanted in desynchronization as they charged. “FUN! FUN! FUN!”

“Oh sweet Celestia.”

Seeing this final checkmate, Rarity knew it was the end. She would perish here, buried beneath an avalanche of pink flesh and party hats. Chrysalis would win, and Equestria laid bare before her nefarious plans, whatever they may be.

Rarity removed her brooch and stared down at the Element that had damned her to this fate. The necklace, with its purple crystal, winked back at her.

Some help you were!

As if in answer, a rope ladder fell down beside Rarity. Without thinking she grabbed it and was tugged away just as the tidal wave of ponies rolled past underneath her.

Higher and higher she rose, above the avalanche of ponies below and towards a break in the ceiling above. A single beam of light shone from the opening, and the rope pulled her towards it. A pink hoof reached out from beyond and beckoned for her cooperation.

Rarity groped for the arm and seized it; her rescuer pulled her to solid ground.

“Whew! That was a close one!” The speaker, Pinkie Pie dressed in a train conductor’s uniform, removed her hat and wiped away the sweat.

Looking around, Rarity saw machinery everywhere. Numerous pipes spiraled about, shuddering and emitting bursts of steam. Dials, valves, levers, and not one thing in a sensible position to anything else in the room.

“What was that?” demanded a panicked Rarity of her rescuer. “WHAT WAS THAAAAT?”

“You should have warned me you were visiting,” said Pinkie Pie as she trotted over to a huge lever and seized it with both hooves. She grunted and pulled it with all of her might, and eventually it reluctantly budged and moved to its other setting.

Pinkie Pie pointed at a quivering meter on the wall, its red indicator moving from ‘fun time’ to ‘be nice to the visitors in my head’ even as Rarity observed it.

“There,” said Pinkie Pie, puffing up her chest and smiling. “You should be able to visit the rest of my brain now without getting driven loopy.”

“Thanks,” said Rarity, her breath coming in better now. “But all I need are your memories.”

“Down the hall and to your left,” said Pinkie, pointing at a door behind a massive engine.

Rarity took a step in the direction and stopped. A tremor ran through her body as she recalled her brush with disaster in the ballroom.

“Don’t worry!” said Pinkie, pushing her forward and opening the door. “It’s smooth sailing from here, and your Auntie Pinkie’s watching out for you. And if you do run into any more trouble, just give a giggle!”

Rarity did giggle. “Of course, you’re right,” she said as she walked through the door, emerging into a memory devoid of color and emotion.

Pinkie opened the door for her and without further delay, Rarity stepped through the threshold.

Pinkie Pie bounced down the streets of Ponyville, heading straight towards Golden Oaks Library. Her hoof thundered on the door.

No response.

Eventually she grew bored of waiting and barged in, and found Spike brushing the shelves with a feather duster. He glanced at Pinkie Pie with a sigh. “She’s upstairs.”

“Thanks Spike,” said Pinkie.

Darting up to the second floor, she found Twilight in her bedroom tossing clothes about in a panic. A pair of lacy white panties briefly fell atop Pinkie’s face, concealing her vision. She brushed them off and approached Twilight just as the unicorn spun around to head back to the closet.

The two collided.

“Oh, thank goodness you’re here Pinkie,” said Twilight, only now noticing that she wasn’t alone. “I got word that Princess Celestia might have a little free time in her schedule, so I’m riding up to Canterlot to see her.” She levitated two nondescript dresses in front of Pinkie, one blue and the other black. “Which of these do you like better? I need to say ‘I’m not a slut, but I am willing to sleep with you.’”

“Uhh...” Pinkie’s brow scrunched as her hoof pointed to one then the other.

“No no, I’m moving too soon! Look, I’ll just go au naturel again. It’s not suggestive, but it lets her see what she can have. Thanks Pinkie!”

With that Twilight bounded out the library, seizing Spike on the way out of the door.

Leaving the library herself, Pinkie resumed wandering the town. When she arrived at the park she found the top of Rainbow Dash’s mane hiding behind a low floating cloud.

“Dashie!” she cried in joy. “What’s up?”

Rainbow Dash cautiously peeked up from her cloud cover and then glided to the ground beside Pinkie. “Oh, y’know,” she said, looking around nervously. “Just hangin’.”

“Cool! Do you want to hang with me?”

Rainbow Dash’s eyes lit up. “Oh, that’d be great! Fluttershy keeps pestering me to hang out with her and it’s driving me nuts! C’mon, let’s go, we’ll do whatever you want.”

“Hello Rainbow Dash,” called Fluttershy from across the park. “I’m so glad I found you. I was worried I was going to miss our weekly date and then you’d be upset with me.”

“Darnit!” said Rainbow Dash, quietly enough so that only Pinkie could hear. “I can never get any ME time!” She looked up and smiled weakly at Fluttershy, trotting off to meet her.

“Oh well,” said Pinkie Pie. “I guess I can always see if Applejack needs help on her farm.”

When she stepped onto the grounds of Sweet Apple Acres, she already heard the screaming. It sharpened when the farmhouse came into sight.

“Well since we’re just friends, I guess I’ll just see you the next time I see the rest of my friends!” shrieked Rarity.

“Fine!” cried Applejack, storming out of the house. “Ah’ll look forward ta seein’ ya then, with the rest of my good friends!”

Blinded by her tears, Rarity knocked Pinkie onto her flank without noticing, and galloped off of the premises.

“Confound that mare! She’s just gotta take the plain and simple words out of my mouth and twist ‘em into somethin’ she can whine about!”

Spotting Pinkie, Applejack forcibly calmed herself. “Sorry Pinks. This ain’t a good time.” The door slammed shut as Applejack retreated inside. Applejack didn’t want to play today. Nopony did.

Pinkie would have to show up for work after all.

As the earth pony walked down the empty road back to Sugarcube Corner, she found a rock and began kicking it with a soft sigh. “How come everypony’s having fun except me?” she said quietly.

Though the music and voices still raged, Rarity could barely hear them as her mind returned to the physical world. She and Pinkie were sitting on a love-seat together, Rarity staring at Pinkie, and Pinkie staring at the ground. Her poofy mane had deflated into a long, stringy cut.

“I want you to know,” said Pinkie, “That I’m not mad at anyone or anything. I’ve learned my lesson. I’m not going to get upset about being all alone, because things... things’ll probably turn around.”

“Oh Pinkie, dear.” Rarity gently rested her chin on Pinkie’s shoulder.

“Maybe you know?” said Pinkie helplessly. “Why don’t any of you want to be my friend anymore? Why is all of this happening without me?”

“Pinkie,” said Rarity soothingly. “I can’t speak for the others. But I am certain that they will tell you the same thing that I will. Nopony meant to exclude you. Nopony is having fun without you.”

Rarity chose her words carefully, trying to make Pinkie understand something that she herself had no business explaining. “It’s a strange time, when we’re no longer foals but only barely adults. We’re all told what mistakes not to make, and yet we go and make them anyway. That is the folly of young love.”

She clasped her hoof over Pinkie’s own. “We’re hurting Pinkie. All of us. I was so absorbed into my own wounds, that I didn’t notice the pain everypony else was in until tonight.

“I want to make things better Pinkie. Will you help me?”

Pinkie bravely looked into Rarity’s eyes. “Can things go back to the way they were?”

“I don’t know,” Rarity answered. “I don’t think so. But they can get better. I believe that much at least.”

“Can we spend time together again?”

A pang of guilt shot into Rarity’s stomach.

“Of course,” she said, putting on a mask of warmth. “In fact, I was just thinking that I need to move some furniture, and I could use an energetic earth pony to help me out.”

She felt her lungs compress as two pink forearms wrapped around her chest and squeezed fiercely.

Wriggling free, Rarity grasped for her saddlebag and barely managed to retrieve the balloon pendant despite the best efforts of the pink ball of affection.

“They’ll understand how you feel if you talk to them,” said Rarity. “And if they don’t listen, then I’ll make sure they do. But right now they need our help. Can I count on you Pinkie Pie?”

“Ab-super-duperlutely!” Pinkie seized her Element and pulled it over her head. “I’m with you all the way Rarity! Just tell me what you need to do.”

Rarity nodded and stood up from the cushions. “I don’t want Queen Chrysalis to know what we’re up to,” she whispered to Pinkie as the party raged around them. “So let’s split up and look for the others. Can you signal me somehow if you find them?”

“You got it,” cried Pinkie, leaping up. “Hey guys, I’ve gotta go do something really important that I can’t tell you about, so while I’m gone... party on! Hey wow, that rhymed!”

“What rhymes with orange though?” asked Pinkie with a scrunched brow as she vanished through the door.

With Pinkie gone, two of the changelings immediately sighed in relief.

“Sheesh,” said one as it immediately transformed into a pony. “I didn’t want to hurt her feelings, but I felt so naked like that.”

The other changelings who weren’t already in pony form muttered their agreements as they transformed. One near Rarity stopped sucking in its gut.

Rarity gave the changelings a nervous smile as she wove around them. Few seemed interested in staying now that Pinkie had departed, others stared longingly at Rarity, but most were already streaming out the door.

Finally the swarm thinned enough for Rarity to leave without stepping on any hooves.

But when the door opened, the night sky was not waiting to greet Rarity.

Instead of a blackened a field of stars, the polished sheen of oakwood panelling winked back at her, along with a bartender.

A sports bar. She was standing in a clean and well-polished sports bar.

Rarity looked behind her, trying to find the lodge again. No door, or any other indication of how she had gotten in. Just an entryway leading to another room.

How did I let myself be caught in a tavern of all places? The scandal!

Admittedly, the posh establishment was decorated just enough to barely meet her standards.

Was this a memory? She thought back in an attempt to recall when she had come to be here. She puzzled the situation from every angle. Eventually, she came to a decision.

She was already here. It wouldn’t hurt to have a drink.

The barkeep seemed completely nondescript, a point Rarity gave in his favor. As he watched her approach, he filled a mug up with cider and placed it on the bar to await her.

Rarity gazed down at the mug, a cracked ceramic affair. Even the thought that her perfect lips would have to touch that hardened mud was enough to summon the fainting couch. But then again, she had just emerged from the darkest depths of Pinkie Pie’s mind.

The cider suddenly looked very appetizing. She would have a single drink and then leave. Why not? A busy night lay ahead of her.

She brought the mixture to her lips and sipped. The hard, tangy beverage reminded her of Applejack.

Ten minutes later, Rarity could not be certain how three empty mugs of hard cider had ended up in front of her. She could only be certain that she did not feel buzzed in the slightest.

She slid one of the three mugs forward. “Another round, sir.”

“Ma’am, I’m not sure—”

“I’ll tell you when I’ve had enough!” she slurred her speech deliberately. She may as well act the part.

The nondescript bartender cleared his throat. “I’m not sure how you think you’re going to pay for this. After all, you have no bits.”

Rarity blinked, taken completely off guard. The matter of paying for the drinks had not even crossed her mind. “Oh well... I seem to have left all my bits at home, but if you could send me a bill then—”

The bartender interrupted her with a chuckle. “I was only teasing you Rarity. Of course you don’t have to pay.”

Of course. Just as well, she could use a few more rounds. Seeing into Pinkie’s memory had reminded her of the fight she had with Applejack over a month ago, and she decided not to leave until she had forgotten about it.

She could not remember the subject of their disagreement, only that it had been resolved as each one had been before, and each one would be afterwards: With their ‘relationship’ returning to the status quo, and neither side getting what they wanted out of the other.

Rarity wanted commitment. She could only guess what Applejack desired.

She slammed her face onto the bar, trying to purge her mind of all images of that hot, sweaty farmer.

“Mares,” she moaned.

“Tell us about it.”

Rarity looked up. Sitting on the stool beside her was a tall, dark and gorgeous unicorn with a pair of breathtaking wings folded at her side. Her hard eyes flickered over Rarity as she brought a stirred margarita to her lips.

“Oh,” said Rarity. “Hello. Do you often frequent this establishment?”

“More than you know.”

“This is my first time personally. I don’t normally drink, but I must say this place is almost serviceable. I just don’t quite understand how I got here.”

“We are puzzled about the matter ourselves, Rarity. We rarely intervene in hallucinations, but we are curious about your debilitated state.”

“If you must know, I have had quite a bit to drink.”

“In your imagination, yes. But something would have had to trigger your mental withdrawal to begin with. Tell me, have you sampled any mushrooms that you could not identify?”

“Now just one moment, what gives you the—”

The moon shone through the window and laid the unicorn’s lunar cutie mark bare. Rarity abruptly realized who she was talking to.

Luna offered her a confident smile.

“No,” said Rarity quietly. “No mushrooms.”

“Can you think of anything unusual that occurred tonight?”

“Oh yes, I saw how Pinkie Pie’s mind works.”

“We remember. That was in truth your first departure from reality.” Luna smirked. “Honestly, an orchestra all wearing chicken suits?”

Rarity laughed. “I know, I can’t pretend I’ll ever understand that brain of hers.”

Luna blinked. “Hers? Neigh! You were never there. That utterly mundane dreamscape was conjured from your own imagination, Rarity. If you truly had  ventured into the mind of Pinkie Pie, the experience would have left a much greater impact.

“Are you sure? That certainly seemed rather out there.”

“We are. We visit those dreams every night...” Luna looked away and sighed.

“Then none of it was real? But that last bit... I’m sure that I saw events that really happened, through the mind of Pinkie Pie!”

“Tis possible. I noticed you travelling from your own dreamscape to another, much to my amazement.”

Luna took a breath and lowered her gaze to the bar. “I wish to know... does she think about... about me at all?”

Rarity put her hoof against Luna’s shoulder. “I only saw one memory, so I can’t answer that properly. But no, there weren’t any thoughts of you. I’m sorry.”

Luna’s lip tightened as she nodded. “That is neither here nor now. What prompted you to enter Pinkie Pie’s mind? And how were you able to cast such a mighty spell?”

“Well you see... Queen Chrysalis has my friends—”

Luna stood up. “SHE’S THERE AT THE CAMP?!”

The vocal impact sent Rarity’s mane in disarray.

Luna began to pace irritably, only to stop almost immediately and return her attention to Rarity. “We apologize. Continue please.”

“She made this offer to my friends, to use her people to fulfill all those desires they thought they could never have. And the crazy thing is that they accepted! I’m wandering around, all on my own, trying to figure out how their spirits got to be so low and fix all this!”

Luna nodded. “That explains the mind probe spell.”

“I never would have been able to cast it without the Element of Magic. As for the hallucinations, I can only imagine that whatever dreadful substance Chrysalis used to knock us out in the first place is to blame... Princess? Princess Luna?”

Luna stood absolutely still, except for the quivering of her lip. Gazing into the princess’s eldritch eyes, Rarity decided that she had never been as terrified of the monarch as she was now.

“You put it on?”

“Yes,” said Rarity, reaching up to give the tiara on her brow a gentle tap. “Surely you must have recognized—”

“I COULD NOT SEE IT BECAUSE YOU WERE NOT THINKING OF IT YOU FOAL!”

“A thousand apologies Your Majesty! If I’ve misappropriated royal property in some way—”

“HEAR ME CAREFULLY,” Luna spoke with nothing more than a hiss, but her words seemed to travel to Rarity’s ears from galaxies away, gathering the frost from galactic winds before finally settling their chill into her ear drums.

Luna had Rarity’s complete attention.

“HAS CHRYSALIS THREATENED OR HARMED ANYPONY?”

“No.” Rarity’s response was immediate. The villain’s lack of aggression had been conspicuous.

“GOOD. YOU WILL TAKE THAT RELIC FROM YOUR BROW AT ONCE.”

“But Your Highness! It’s simply too useful to abandon just yet! I can use this to help everypony!”

Luna’s muscles strained as she seemed to forcefully restrain her demeanor. “Neigh! It is no toy you have resolved to wield Rarity. Years of training must be undergone to withstand that device’s immense power.”

“Err... maybe I’m a natural?”

“Typically, no problem will be obvious itself at first. The rush of power granted by the Element of Magic obscures the energy it begins to consume. After the initial rush, the wielder will begin to hallucinate, becoming more and more disconnected with reality as Magic drains them. This will continue until you have nothing left, Rarity. You will die.”

Rarity reeled and stammered. “They’re... dangerous?! But Princess Celestia trusts us with these... things!”

“My big sister trusts you only with what you are capable of managing safely.”

“I... okay... what if I just took it off... and then put it back on only when I needed another mind probe?”

“Take it off, yes. But leave it off, fair Rarity! The drain is most severe the instant you don the crown! Your plan would only lay you low thrice as fast.”

Rarity stood up. “Then I guess I don’t have very much time.”

Luna moved faster than the eye could perceive to block Rarity’s path. “What drives you to this suicide?”

Rarity looked at the ground. “They’re my friends, Your Highness. I cannot bear to watch them suffer.”

“How much greater will their suffering be when they bury you?”

“They’re my friends, Your Highness. I cannot bear to watch them suffer.”

“YOU HAVEN’T A PRAYER AT SUCCESS.”

“I’ve already succeeded,” snapped Rarity, her patience at an end. “Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to go see if I can do it again.”

Luna’s horn exploded with force. Her eyes filled with pure, silvery moonlight as she conjured a beam of unearthly glow to blast open the ceiling. Above them, the full moon shone ominously into the shattered building.

Luna attacked their surroundings again. Everything she struck dissolved into ethereal liquid, which in turn dispersed into fading gas. Soon there was nothing left but blinding moonlight. No tavern. No ground. No sky. Only Rarity and her all-powerful liege.

Rarity felt the urge to run but could only take two panicked, stumbling steps before falling back on her flank. “HAVE YOU GONE MAD? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”

Around the corners of her vision, the moonlight gradually began to fade away and return Rarity’s surroundings to her. She discovered that she and Luna were both outside the bunkhouse, where the changeling party was still wrapping up.

“Helping you,” said Luna, taking a deep, shuddering breath as the glow faded from her horn. “May my sister forgive me, I am going to help you.”

Rarity couldn’t think of a reply. A ‘thank you’ seemed foolish at this point.

 “As you can see,” said Luna, still ragged from her efforts, “I have dispersed your hallucinations so that you may interact with the real world once more. For now I shall keep you on the threshold of a dreamlike state, so we can communicate despite the vast distance between us.”

“I am... I am so—”

“Save it.”

“Ah! Of course.”

Unsure of her next move, Rarity found the path from the bunkhouse and began walking.

“Hold a moment Rarity,” said Luna as she trotted beside her. The princess raised her gaze to the heavens. “Why is it that unicorns never think to turn their gaze up?”

Rarity looked to the sky and saw Rainbow Dash flying with three others. “Should have figured Rainbow Dash’s head would be in the clouds,” she said with a light chuckle. She waited for a response, but Luna only rolled her eyes.

“Everyone’s a critic,” said Rarity and drew upon the power of Magic. A dull ache grew at the base of her horn.

“I will keep watch over you from the shadows between dreams,” said Luna, melding into the background of midnight until only her voice remained. “Do not hesitate to ask for help.”

Rarity bowed her head. “I will, Princess.”

A sparkling pair of gossamer wings sprouted from Rarity’s sides and she wasted no time in taking to the air.

She found Rainbow Dash flying high into the air against a dark field of stars. The speed of her twists and dives caused the dim lights of midnight to skip off her wing and trail auroras through the sky. Rarity might have thought the show to be Luna’s work if her powerful vision didn’t show her otherwise.

Fortunately Rainbow had seen her too, and zipped down to meet her.

“Hey Rare, how’s it flyin’?” cried Dash as she sped by the unicorn. And then Rainbow Dash was behind her and speeding away. “If you think you can catch up on a pair of conjured wings, you’ve got another thing comin’!”

Three ponies in Wonderbolt outfits trailed after Rainbow. Rarity knew they were famous fliers, but their names escaped her at the moment.

“Wow, our new Captain’s awesome!” said one.

“I know! She’s got it it all; speed, attitude, and pizazz!”

Rarity gaped at the Wonderbolts. “Rainbow... you didn’t.”

Rainbow Dash smirked. “Yep, I did. Pretty sweet huh?”

One of the changelings, disguised as a stallion with blue hair, echoed the statement. “Yep! Pretty sweet!”

Rarity would never catch up to her friend long enough to do what she had to. None of the powerful magic at her disposal could match Rainbow Dash’s speed.

Even so, Rarity was not helpless. She knew a certain trick that would work on a stallion every time... and it would work on Rainbow Dash.

“Oh no!” she shouted in Rainbow Dash’s direction. “My magic’s failing!”

Rainbow Dash did a sharp U-turn and her distant form grew closer. “Huh? What’d ya say?”

Certain that her friend’s attention was on her, Rarity dismissed her wings and allowed herself to plummet straight toward the ground. She didn’t spare the theatrical flailing, or the blood-curdling scream.

It wasn’t even ten seconds before a powerful set of forearms scooped up Rarity, and two light blue wings beat against the air current to lift her up. Rarity instinctively clung to Rainbow Dash’s firm chest, and heard her labored but strong breath.

“Sheesh Rarity! You almost scared me half to death!” Rainbow spared Rarity an admonishing glance before returning her attention to the air ahead of her. “What are you doing up here anyway?”

“Nothing much really,” said Rarity idly. “Rainbow Dash there’s always something I’ve wondered about pegasus. Is it true that if a pegasus were to fall asleep during flight, they’d fall straight to the ground?”

Rainbow Dash’s laughter beat softly upon Rarity’s body. “Oh man, is that what you unicorns tell each other? Of course not! Our magic is way too powerful for that. It rarely ever happens, but if a pegasus were to fall asleep in flight, their wings would work on automatic and glide them to the ground. I’d only be in danger if I got injured in midair, or if I was flying really fast.”

“Okay, just wondering!” Rarity summoned her magic into a glow and pressed her horn against Rainbow Dash’s brow. Once more her vision blurred and faded, as both she and Rainbow Dash lost consciousness to retreat into the pegasus’s psyche.

Rainbow Dash moved through the campus of Cloudsdale University as though she owned it, and she certainly dressed the part. A tight leather jacket clung to her barrel and forearms, adorned with lines of steel studs. In contrast to the unkempt look that she would later wear, her mane was shaven on both sides, with the center left spiked up in an arrogant mohawk. Asymmetrical piercings glinted across her face, one on her eyebrow, two on the left side of her nose, and four on her lips.

A gorgeous cloud fountain poured water vapor into the air as Rainbow circled around it. On the other side, a bespectacled colt reading a book looked up to greet his fellow pegasus.

“Oh hey Rainbow!”

“Hey Blue Skies,” said Rainbow with a grin. “Studying for midterms?”

“Yep, how about you? Done anything homosexual lately?”

“Oh yeah, I was jus... bwhuh?”

Blue Skies had already returned to reading. Rainbow stared at him a moment longer before continuing her journey.

As Rainbow passed the science building, April Showers and Blossomforth emerged and waved at her.

“Hey Rainbow Dash, how’s it going?” asked Blossomforth.

“Want to have a threesome with us?” asked April Showers through a fit of giggles.

Rainbow froze in place, staring at the pair. “No... thank you?”

“Suit yourself!” cried Blossomforth as the two flew off.

Rainbow frowned and began grumbling as she approached the student center.

The doors to the center flew open and the pegasus Cinnamon Swirl burst out.

“Oh wow, it’s Rainbow Dash!” cried Cinnamon.

“Haha, that’s right,” said Rainbow Dash with the start of a grin.

“I hear you’re the gayest thing since gay flew to gayville!”

Rainbow Dash’s head began to droop. “Don’t you mean awesome?”

“Nope,” said Cinnamon Swirl and trotted away.

Rainbow Dash picked up her pace in a huff and entered the student center, where Cloud Kicker waited for her outside the business office.

“Rainbow!” cried Cloud Kicker. “I”m so glad you’re here, I was afraid you were going to stand me up!”

“Are you kidding?” said Rainbow as Cloud Kicker rose and fell in line with her. “These astrology courses are ridiculous! I was just looking for an easy A so I could devote more time to the flight team, but Professor Hoofstrom’s such a hardass! If I don’t do well on this constellation project, I’m going to be in trouble.”

“Haha, yeah!” said Cloud Kicker nervously. “I know, he is way too strict isn’t he? Oh wow, we’re agreeing about something! We’ve got so much in common!”

“I guess so,” said Rainbow Dash, leading them outside.

“So where did you want to study? Are we going to need the library, because otherwise I know some quiet, beautiful places around campus where we could get to know each other... through study! Studying is fun!”

Rainbow Dash gestured to the dormitory building. “Let’s do it in my room, that’s where my project is anyway.”

Cloud Kicker’s eyes bulged out. “Your room?! Oh wow... I guess... I guess that’s fine! Sure, let’s go to your room!”

“Uhh... yeah,” said Rainbow Dash, giving her partner a flat look. “That’s what I said.”

When they reached the dorm room Rainbow Dash gave it a brief knock, and then entered after a bare moment of waiting for a response. She waved Cloud Kicker in and unceremoniously dumped the contents of her backpack on the desk.

“Shouldn’t we put a sock on the doorknob or something?” asked Cloud Kicker from the doorway.

“Why would we do that?”

“So your roommate doesn’t walk in on us?”

“Don’t worry about her, she’s really quiet. If she came by we probably wouldn’t even notice.”

Cloud Kicker sat on the bed, her hind legs rubbing nervously against each other.

“So I’ve got the basic formulas down,” said Rainbow as she shuffled through a few papers. “But some of Celestia’s more advanced star patterns are really stumping me. Do you want to help me through this worksheet and then we can quiz each other?”

“Actually Rainbow... I’m really nervous here. If it’s all the same to you, can we just get down to business?”

Rainbow Dash picked up a stack of papers and slapped it against the desk. “I am getting down to business.”

“You don’t have to pretend. I know your reputation; you brought me up here because you want to sleep with me.”

Rainbow Dash did a double take. “What? No I don’t!”

Cloud Kicker’s eyes began to water. “What do you mean? What did you bring me up here for?”

“So you could help me with my astronomy homework!” cried Rainbow Dash, beginning to rile.

“I’M NOT PRETTY ANYMORE!” screamed Cloud Kicker as she burst into tears.

“What does that have to do with anything? I don’t pay attention to that kind of crap!”

As Cloud Kicker continued bawling Rainbow desperately switched to a gentler tactic. “I mean... I’m sure you... are though?”

“No I’m not,” whimpered Cloud Kicker. “Half the mares in this school say they’ve slept with you, so why am I the only one you don’t want?”

“Half the mares— look Cloud Kicker, I don’t care what anypony says. I’m a virgin alright?”

“STOP LYING TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER!” with a fresh torrent of sobs, Cloud Kicker rushed to the window of the dorm and leapt out, flying away.

Rainbow Dash scowled and flopped onto her bed. “Sheesh! Is every mare in this school crazy? Whose gonna help me with my astrology homework now?”

Rainbow stared at the ceiling in silence as the minutes ticked away. Eventually a soft knock came at the doorway.

“Come in,” said Rainbow Dash without moving. “It’s your room too.”

The door gradually creaked open and Fluttershy ducked nervously inside. “Umm, I know. I heard fighting though, I didn’t want to walk in on you if you were fighting. Is... everything alright?”

“No,” said Rainbow Dash bitterly. “Cloud Kicker promised to help me study but then she just flipped out and abandoned me for no reason.”

“Oh... that wasn’t very nice of her. Umm... would you like me to help you out instead?”

“You? You’re working on a veterinary degree, there’s not much crossover with meteorology.”

Fluttershy smiled. “That’s true, but I’ve been tutoring students for extra bits. Astronomy tutors are actually in high demand, so I took it as an elective last semester.”

“That’d be great! I don’t know what I’d do without you ‘Shy.”

“Hopefully you’ll never have to find out,” said Fluttershy with a giggle. She went to her own side of the room and retrieved her quiz cards while Rainbow Dash set up the star charts she had drawn in preparation.

“So Fluttershy...” said Rainbow Dash, squinting as she taped a sheet of paper to the wall.

“Hmm?”

Rainbow Dash shoved some textbooks off of her desk. “I think I might be gay.”

Fluttershy said nothing, but her wings began to perk up.

*****

Rarity and Rainbow Dash lay pressed together in a bed of pine needles, having landed safely during the vision.

“Those were really the days,” said Rainbow Dash softly. “Fluttershy always made a big deal out of it when I stood up to the snobs and bullies for her, but the whole time it was really her looking after me.”

Rainbow closed her eyes to prevent the tears from falling. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me Rarity. She was the one pony I wanted to protect from all harm. The heart of Loyalty that carried me so far was inspired by her. And now she’s having somepony pose as me just so I can’t hurt her again.”

Giving Rarity’s shoulder a squeeze, Rainbow stood up. “She’s better off without me Rarity. You all are.”

Rarity stood up too, the cogs in her mind sparking as they ground against each other. “Rainbow Dash,” she said gently. “I would like to try an experiment if that’s alright with you.”

Rainbow Dash tilted her head, bewildered. “Are you coming on to me?”

“No Rainbow Dash, not that kind of experiment! I’m just going to show you some images, and you are going to tell me how they make you feel. Simple, really.”

“Uhh... yeah,” said Dash, lips pursed. “Sounds easy.”

As Rarity concentrated on her magic, an ache appeared on her brow and trickled numbly up her horn. She refused to consider the implications.

The spell burst from her horn. The misty night coalesced in front of them, forming into an image. 

A summer day lay beyond the screen. The sun reflected on the surface of a swimming pool, causing the water to glimmer.

On the far side of the pool, Spitfire stood at the deep end in her Wonderbolt costume. With breathtaking torpor she slid out of the colored leather and plunged nude into the sparkling depths. A leisurely backstroke brought her closer to where Rarity and Rainbow Dash watched in silence— right up against the magic screen. The pegasus then climbed the steps leading from the shallow end, her yellow form dripping copiously as she emerged.

Spitfire shook, spraying water everywhere.

“Oh wow,” she said breathily, her eyes half-lidded. “That made me all wet.” She strode over to a plastic lounging chair and lay down on her back, writhing on the rubber surface.

“Hey,” she murmured. “Could you grab that bottle of lotion and lather it all over me? Make sure not to miss a single inch.”

The image faded from the screen, and Rarity turned to watch Rainbow Dash expectantly.

“Well?” she asked when Rainbow drew out the silence.

Rainbow Dash shrugged. “Well what?”

“How did watching that make you feel?”

“Oh! Well personally I kinda hate it when my wings get wet... so I guess I can identify with her?”

Rarity nodded clinically. “Very good. Now, I have another image to show you.”

The screen came to life again, a sharp rapping ringing through the air before the image finally came into focus.

Big Macintosh slammed a hammer into a wooden fence, driving down a nail. With each whack, his powerful form tightened sharply. The sweat of his neck muscles glistened as they strained with effort.

Soon the hammer fell from his mouth. He gave it a long glance, and then turned to look over his shoulder.

“Whoops, dropped my hammer,” he said with a salacious grin. “Better pick it up, huh?” He winked and then returned to the task, his iron-forged haunch thrusting up in the air as he bent to retrieve the tool.

Rarity dismissed the image and the screen. “And... there,” she said, turning to look at Rainbow Dash expectantly. “How did that make you feel?”

“Sorry Rare,” said Rainbow Dash, her wings stiff and upright. “Didn’t feel anything at all.”

Rarity kept a neutral expression. “Mmm-hmm. Could you look behind yourself for one moment?”

Rainbow glanced over her shoulder and got a face full of feather.

“By Celestia’s mythological phallus,” she said, eyes bulging as she turned to stare at Rarity. “This means... this means...”

“Yes?” asked Rarity gently, prompting Rainbow to continue with gestures of encouragement.

“I must want to have sex with you Rarity!”

Rarity covered her eyes with her hoof.

“I’m so sorry... it’s alright if you’re as disgusted as I am, but I swear this isn’t why I became friends with you. I never spent all day staring at your flank, and I didn’t save your life up in Cloudsdale just for gratitude sex, and I swear I’ve never lost myself in daydreams of wrapping my lips around your pert little horn and—”

“Rainbow! Please!”

“Oh geez, sorry! I kind of lost it there for a second. But you know, it all makes sense in a kind of sick, perverted way. I’m a rampaging, sex-addicted monster! I’d probably do anything with a pulse! Wouldn’t even matter if it was a pony, maybe—”

“Rainbow! Would you get ahold of yourself for one moment?”

Rainbow shut up, though she was still fidgeting.

Rarity took a deep breath and tried again. “If you’ll recall, your excitement occurred when you viewed my second showing, no? I doubt very much it had anything to do with me.”

“Huh? Yeah...” Rainbow’s brow scrunched in thought. “Yeah!” She thought some more. “So what you’re saying is... I might be... slightly... bi-curious?”

Rarity decided then she would need a direct approach.

“Rainbow Dash... when was it that you first came to identify yourself as a lesbian?”

“Well you know, in college. You saw most of it, everypony pointed out that I’ve got a rainbow mane, and I’m told I have a raspy voice, plus I like sports. I never really noticed because I was too busy studying and training and being awesome, but once everyone else started mentioning it I just sort of... caught on.”

Rarity trotted over to Rainbow Dash and sat down before her. “So you based your identity on what everypony else told you?”

“Umm... yeah? Doesn’t everyone do that?”

Rarity closed her eyes gracefully. “I’m sorry Rainbow Dash,” she whispered. “Maybe part of it or even most of it was simply based on what you told me yourself, but I can’t say that I never made any judgements based solely on your appearance.”

Rainbow Dash fidgeted. “Umm... I don’t quite understand what you’re talking about... but I feel like it’s just out of reach... and it’s really important.”

Rarity opened her eyes again and stared. “Then think Rainbow Dash. Forget everything you’ve heard any pony ever say. Think about what your heart truly tells you about colts and fillies.”

Something in Rarity’s voice must have made Rainbow Dash listen, because the pegasus sat down and stared up at the sky.

Neither spoke for several moments.

“I don’t believe it,” said Rainbow Dash at last, voice weak and filled with awe.

Rarity said nothing.

“My whole life, I’ve just let everypony else decide what I am. That’s not what an awesome pony does. An awesome pony decides on her own, and then makes every other pony want to be just like her.

“I’m straight, Rarity. I’ve always been straight.”

Rarity laid her neck to rest on Rainbow Dash’s shoulder and felt her friend’s forearms on her barrel.

She felt around in her saddlebag until her telekinetic aura grazed jagged metal. Pulling out her prize, she offered the Element of Loyalty to Rainbow Dash.

“Ready to start being awesome again? We need you Rainbow Dash.”

Rainbow took the offering without hesitation. “How could I have even thought about leaving things the way they are now? I don’t know how to quit because I’ve never done it before. Maybe Fluttershy can’t forgive me, I wouldn’t blame her if she didn’t. But this... this changes everything. She has to know.”

“Do you want me to tell her?”

Rainbow shook her head firmly. “Nah. She needs to hear this from me. I owe it to her.”

Rarity pulled away with a nod, but Rainbow only let go reluctantly. “Rare?”

“Yes Rainbow Dash?”

“Thanks for pulling me out of my funk. I think we’re gonna be friends forever.”

Rarity felt a pang of guilt. Of course Rainbow Dash. Until I abandon you in three weeks.

Despite her heartache and exhaustion, she smiled. “Now I have a plan but I need you to lay low for now so Queen Chrysalis doesn’t get suspicious. Can you meet me at Celestia’s office while I round everypony up?”

Rainbow bit her lip. “Uhh... are you sure you don’t want me to do it? No offense Rarity, but you don’t look so good.”

Rarity tapped the tiara. “I have to use this to find out what’s wrong. Don’t worry, I’m just coming down with a tiny little sniffle.”

Rainbow Dash glanced at the Element of Magic but made no comment, simply taking it in stride. “If you say so. Don’t push yourself though.”

“Of course not. Au revoir!”

Rarity waited for Rainbow Dash to finish her goodbyes and fly away.

Truthfully her friend’s assessment had been right on the mark. Her stomach churned with vague nausea, and her horn felt dull and powerless. Normally she would have been in bed hours ago, and her heavy eyes begged to be allowed shut.

A quick nap then? She hated herself for even thinking it, but even as her mind rejected the idea, her forelegs began curling up on the soft and the inviting grass as though of their own free will.

Across from her she saw Lyra at a confectionary table, chomping so loudly that the sound of gnashing teeth rang against her ears.

“Excuse me,” said Rarity, letting her annoyance show. “I am trying to sleep here, as you can see.”

The unicorn lifted both her forehooves up, and from the tips sprouted long, flexible fingers.

Rarity shrieked.

Lyra used her new hands to pluck cupcakes off of the table. “Behold Rarity! With two hands I can eat twice the cupcakes!”

Then the flesh of Lyra’s torso began to twist and turn, and four ape-like arms complete with their own hands sprouted from it. “But with six hands, I can do so much more!” The fleshy manipulators reached for more cupcakes.

Rarity shrieked louder and stumbled to her hooves, scrambling away from the unfortunate sight.

A blast of moonlight hit the confectionary stand and the apparition faded away.

“Keeping you in a sound state of mind grows more difficult,” said a deep voice from behind her.

Rarity turned to greet Princess Luna. A dark blue hoof was offered to Rarity, and she took it and pulled herself up.

“Oh thank you,” said Rarity tenderly. “I lost myself for a moment there.”

“I cannot allow you to close your eyes, Rarity. If you do, they will not open again.”

“I see.” Rarity began trotting along. “I suppose I shall have to hurry. How much time do I have left?”

“Long enough to lie down and die I should think.” Luna’s voice gained a presence that threatened to knock Rarity off of her hooves. “DO YOU NOT HEAR ME YOU STUBBORN MULE?”

Rarity ducked her head and resumed walking. “I apologize. My work isn’t finished yet.”

“Please, fair Rarity. You have already done more than anypony could expect. The fortitude of your untrained will is stronger than I thought possible. But you cannot go on. I can feel the connection to your psyche fading. I fear it may already be too late.”

The softening of Luna’s voice made Rarity freeze in her place—briefly. A moment later, she had resumed her pace.

“Rarity... I don’t want to lose you. Will you force me to beg?”

Rarity stopped and turned to Luna with a pained smile. “Not on my behalf. Please, never beg on my behalf.”

“What drives you on? Do you think you’re proving a point?”

“Of course not. I just... want them to have one last thing to remember me by, before I go.”

A glimmer caught her eye. She briefly glanced down at Generosity, reflecting in the moonlight.

Rarity took a few steps, and stumbled.

Luna gasped.

“I just tripped,” lied Rarity as she hastened back to her trot. “It’s no big deal.”

“Do not waste your breath.”

“Luna—”

“Truly you must not. I feel you growing weaker every time you speak.”

Rarity clammed up.

“I can’t physically restrain you when naught but my spirit resides here. My sister is already on her way. I can only hope you regain your senses before she arrives.”

Luna became one with the shadows and vanished.

Ahead, Rarity saw an exploding sunburst lighting up the sky. Fireworks. That could only be one of Pinkie Pie’s signals. She had met one of their friends.

Could it be Applejack?

Rarity found enough strength to run.

The underbrush tangled with her hooves, and though she stumbled she never lost control of the gallop. When she lost her balance she only moved faster, and when she couldn’t be graceful, she made do with desperation.

She didn’t know how far she had run or how far she could keep going, but when she heard the voices of Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash she slowed down. Hearing more, she decided it wasn’t quite Rainbow Dash. The changeling evidently couldn’t perfect that boyish yet feminine quality that was unique to the real pegasus.

“It’s so nice watching the fireworks with you,” said Fluttershy. “It seems like it’s been forever since we would just hang out like this, as friends.”

“Hah, don’t tell me you’re worried ‘Shy. You know I’ll be there for you whenever you need me.”

“I’m so lucky to have you.”

Approaching them from around the bend, Rarity saw the two lying in the grass, looking at the night sky. The fireworks had run out, but neither seemed to mind.

Applejack wasn’t here. With shame, Rarity felt her relief. Did Applejack ask for a simulacrum of Rarity? And if she hadn’t, then who?

Both ponies looked up at her, and then returned their attention to the sky.

“Mind if I join you?” Rarity whispered.

“Not at all,” said Fluttershy. “In fact I hoped you would. Dash and I are having such a nice time, and if you joined us well... that’d be nice!” She giggled.

Rarity sat close to Fluttershy, not touching her, but near enough to feel her friend’s intense warmth. Too intense. She was burning up just sitting next to Fluttershy.

Fluttershy glanced quizzically over at Rarity, her expression melding into a frown. She reached out and touched Rarity’s shoulder, and then gasped at the contact and pulled her friend closer.

“You’re so cold,” said Fluttershy. “Do you need a blanket?”

“Do you have one?”

“No, sorry.” Fluttershy instead draped a wing across Rarity’s back.

Rarity smiled weakly, her head lolling about on her neck as she clumsily aimed her horn at her pegasus companion.

“Gotcha,” she murmured.

“Huh?” said Fluttershy, more curious than alarmed.

Rarity wound up her magic, expecting the familiar tickle in her horn. Seconds passed as the blue glow gathered at the base of forehead, and...

Nothing.

The spell died within her without as much as a sputter.

She had reached into the depths of herself and found nothing. It might have been like being an earth pony, if earth ponies experienced the world in shades of agony.

“You’re shivering Rarity,” said Fluttershy, bothering Rarity’s neck with an insistent muzzle. “I think we need to get you inside.”

Rarity said nothing. A reply seemed too difficult, and would not get her what she needed.

She glanced down at Generosity. It still reflected against the stars, so bright that it blinded her. She looked away immediately.

As her vision returned, Rarity fixed a vacant stare on Fluttershy. A bead of sweat rolled down her moistened neck and fell to the earth. Each breath she took was a battle of wills, and every exhale brought her nearer to her final breath.

She looked into Fluttershy’s eyes. There was enough concern and affection in them to drown in.

When she tried the spell again, it worked.

Fluttershy was in the midst of her orderly cottage, wrapping a gift. A silk pillow from Prance, stuffed with Gryphon feathers. Rarity’s birthday gift.

That would have been a little over two months ago.

Fluttershy’s work was interrupted by a knock on the door, loud and rapidly fired. She started, then struggled to peel the tape off of her hooves. Another knock came as she finally freed herself.

“I’m on my way,” said Fluttershy, too quietly for the words to have any hope of reaching the visitor beyond the door.

She needn’t have bothered, as at that point Rainbow Dash lost patience and invited herself inside.

“I thought you must be out,” said Rainbow Dash when she spotted Fluttershy. “I was about to leave a note on your table.”

“Sorry, I was just in the middle of preparing Rarity’s birthday gift, and I didn’t expect a visitor.”

Fluttershy led Rainbow back to her work area and showed her the half-wrapped pillow.

“It’s stuffed with griffon feather,” she explained with a touch of pride.

“Cool! I didn’t know what to get her myself, so I just got what any pony would want - two mid-row tickets to next weeks Wonderbolt’s exhibition race! You think she’ll like ‘em?”

Fluttershy nodded at once. “Of course she will.”

“Okay good, I just hope she picks me to go with, I don’t know of anypony else with adequate Wonderbolt trivia to make sure she gets the best possible viewing experience. Plus those tickets were expensive.”

Turning her back on her host, Rainbow Dash wandered toward the kitchen. “I sprinted all the way here, can I have a glass of water?”

“Absolutely, make yourself at home.”

Fluttershy returned her attention to wrapping the gift.

Rainbow Dash called to her from the kitchen. “Hey, you’ve got lemonade in your fridge, can I have that instead?”

Fluttershy rolled her eyes, but she was grinning. “Yes you may,” she said, her soft voice somehow managing to carry to the next room. “There’s not much left, so don’t worry about drinking it all. And if you want a snack I’ve got crackers in the cupboard.”

“I know,” said Rainbow Dash, her words muffled as she chewed. “I found ‘em. Hey, you wanna be my marefriend?”

Fluttershy blinked and rubbed at her eyes.

Rainbow Dash trotted back to the living room with Fluttershy, sipping a plastic cup as she walked.

“Uhh, Rainbow, I couldn’t hear what you said while you were chewing and—”

“I asked if you wanted to be my marefriend.”

“So you did say that,” mumbled Fluttershy. She began hiding within the safety of her bangs.

“It’s no big deal if you aren’t interested,” said Rainbow Dash, frowning and backing up. “You know what? Forget about it, I’ll ask Pinkie instead. See ya around!” She placed her glass sideways on the table, where it leaked a few drops onto the surface.

“Oh no, I didn’t mean... it’s just... Rainbow... this is so very sudden. I didn’t realize you felt this way about me.”

“Well... sure I do. I never thought about it until lately, but whenever I’ve been at work, the other girls have been talking about their relationships. Nothing but stallions and mares the whole lunch break. And that’s not something I can talk about because I only ever dated that one time so I’ve... been lying.”

Rainbow Dash hung her head. “I’m their boss, but if they knew the truth they’d think I was just a little kid. How degrading is that?”

Fluttershy sighed and aligned herself with Rainbow Dash so that their shoulders were bumping. “How you choose to live your personal life is nothing to be ashamed of Rainbow. If that’s all this is about, maybe we could talk to some of the others and see about setting you up on a date?”

Rainbow Dash shook her head. “I— no. It has to be you Fluttershy. I wasn’t even serious about asking Pinkie Pie. You’re really the only one I could see myself getting together with. The way I see it, we’ve been friends almost our whole lives, and I’ve always been there to protect you. And I can see myself just doing that for the rest of my life. If you want, anyway.”

Fluttershy took a deep breath. “So... if I said yes, would it make you happy?”

Rarity leaned against Fluttershy, too weary to stand. The pegasus supported her weight without complaint or even acknowledgement.

“It didn’t make her happy,” said Fluttershy. “All of you are my best friends but Rainbow Dash... she was my first friend. And no matter what I try to do, she’s just not interested in me anymore. It never used to be this way Rarity. She used to always find time for me. She never avoided me in public. If anypony tried to make her feel ashamed of me, she’d just say that I was cool or awesome. Even if I really was being dorky, she never seemed to mind.”

Rarity opened her mouth but hesitated as she searched for the right words.

“I just don’t understand it Rarity. She asked me for this. She told me it would make her happy. And so I agreed, because anything is worth seeing her smile. So how did it go so wrong? What did I do so that she doesn’t even like me anymore?”

“Stop it.”

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to dump all my problems on you like that when you’re not feeling well.”

“It has nothing to do with that. Fluttershy, dearest. How could you put all the blame on yourself? And how could you say that Rainbow Dash doesn’t like you?”

“I didn’t mean—”

“I spoke with her,” said Rarity. “I promised not to say anything more than that... but I will say that she has something important to say to you, and she’s just as confused as you are. She wants her friend back, Fluttershy.”

“I’ve always been there for her.”

“Fluttershy, she just saw you choose a changeling over her. I think that broke something inside of her.”

“What? Oh no no no I just... what? She didn’t think that... oh dear, it must have looked like I was rejecting her! I wasn’t rejecting her!” She glanced at ‘Rainbow Dash.’ “I just saw those poor changelings in need and knew I had to do something. I knew that if one of them looked like Rainbow Dash, then I wouldn’t have any difficulty at all loving it. I didn’t mean... but she must think it meant I didn’t want to be her friend anymore! This is terrible.”

“She’ll understand,” managed Rarity. Her voice was growing weak now. “She just needs to hear everything that you told me.”

“Of course. I can’t let things stay like this between us. I don’t know what I was thinking.” Her gaze turned to the disguised changeling. “Are you alright? Are you going to need anymore love?”

The changeling Dash wiped a tear from its eye. “I don’t... I want you and her to be happy, Fluttershy. But maybe... five more minutes and I won’t be so weak?”

Fluttershy nodded. “Alright, five more minutes. And then we’re going to have to get you somewhere safe.”

Rarity stood up, legs wobbling. Fluttershy was at her side in an instant.

“And what about you Rarity? Are you going to be alright?”

Rarity faked a convincing laugh. “Of course Fluttershy, nothing’s the matter with me.”

“That’s not true Rarity. I can see that you’re very sick. Do you need us to walk you inside? We could wrap you in blankets and make you some hot vegetable soup.”

“That can wait Fluttershy! I still need to connect with Twilight and Applejack, and then we’ll have to figure out what on Equestria to do with Queen Chrysalis!”

Fluttershy’s eyes narrowed, threatening a stare. “No. You are not fighting a battle in your current state. You’re going to lie down and sit this one out.”

“Don’t be ridiculous, it’s just a bit of a chill, I can hardly feel it.”

“Rarity.”

Rarity sighed. “Fine, you’re right. It isn’t a big deal, but I suppose I will have to rest and be sure not to infect anypony else. I’ll leave you to meet with Pinkie Pie and Rainbow at the office. I’ll be in the bunk if anypony wants to check on me.”

“Are you sure you’ll make it there alright on your own?”

“Absolutely! See? I can barely feel it.”

Rarity made a show of holding her head up high and trotting off with ease. Somehow she managed to keep the facade up until she was out of Fluttershy’s sight.

Not a minute too soon. She stumbled. Her weak and fever-cold body no longer cared to support her. Rejecting the insubordination of her muscles, she trotted through the pain.

It wasn’t much of a trot. Her gait couldn’t even be called a walk. Through her pain she would pull her leg off the ground, letting it shake and wobble. Then, with a whimper of pain, she lunged forward. The same laborious process with her other three limbs, and she had completed a step.

The tiara seemed to be pouring liquid hot power into her skull.

“It is over eleven hundred yards to the recreation center,” said Luna with a detached expression. She was standing on the side of the path ahead of Rarity. “At your rate of movement, it will take you over an hour to arrive.”

“Don’t muddle this issue with your mathematics,” hissed Rarity.

“Can you endure for that long, Rarity? Can you even endure the next five minutes?”

“I can and I will.”

“There is a noble strength in realizing your own limitations, Rarity.” Luna vanished as Rarity passed her, only to appear again further ahead on the path. “Many ponies go through their entire life without being blessed by this wisdom. And that is fine. BUT YOU DO NOT HAVE THAT LUXURY. THIS IS YOUR FINAL CHANCE TO SUBMIT TO THE LIMITS OF YOUR MORTAL FORM.”

Rarity didn’t bother to respond. Her mind was made up. If she gave a gift to a friend, then she gave a gift to all five of her friends. Anything less would just be selfish.

“Rarity,” Luna’s voice lowered to a vulnerably soft octave. “You have a family.”

“Don’t you think I know that?” said Rarity, and as she opened her mouth she had to spit out something thick and coppery. “Of course I have a family, AND TONIGHT THEY NEED MY HELP!”

Her frustration at Luna’s interference carried too high a price. As Rarity tried to take another step, she spilled forward like jelly and collapsed on the dirt road.

From somewhere, she heard Luna screaming.

“It’s fine,” she rasped. Tears of pain flowed from her eyes as she tried to pick herself up. “I’ll be fine.”

Halfway to her hooves she fell down again. She decided to rest a bit, and her tortured limbs developed a calming numbness. An improvement.

The second time she tried, she got back on her hooves.

“Stop... please...”

“Is there dirt on my coat?” mumbled Rarity, struggling to remember who she was speaking to. “It must be terrible having to look at a lady... with dirt on her coat.”

She made it seven more steps before she was lying on the ground again.

“Rarity... I can’t watch this... I don’t...”

“It’s fine... I got back up before... I can do it again.” She struggled with her failing muscles, managing to rise halfway before stabbing anguish ripped through her joints and forced her back down on the ground.

She tried to rise again, fully aware that her efforts would be useless. Her body didn’t so much as respond to her command.

“Alright, so I can’t get up again.”

“Do you still feel pain?”

Rarity blinked. The pain was gone. The numbness in her legs had spread throughout her entire body.

“I don’t. That’s... good, right?”

“No fair Rarity, that is a dire sign. You must take the tiara off now. You have perhaps a minute, perhaps much less.”

Right, the Tiara. In her focus to reach her destination she had forgotten all about it.

It wasn’t doing her any good now anyway.

She lifted a shaking forearm. Her hoof rose about six inches from the ground before falling again. When she tried again it didn’t respond at all. It might have been a block of wood for all she felt connected to it.

She allowed herself to collapse to her side, her head resting against the earth.

The Tiara fell from her brow and landed in the grass.

“Ah, see?” she whispered. “It’s off now. It’ll all be fine.”

She felt Luna’s weighty presence kneeling beside her.

“You are doing well, Rarity. Help is closer than you realize. All you have to do is keep your eyes open.

Rarity began to close her eyes. “I really wish I could do that.”

“Rarity, don’t close your eyes. Do not close your eyes.”

She kept her eyes half open for a moment longer. “Tell them...”

“Rarity.”

“Tell them... I’m sorry... I couldn’t give them anything more.”

She closed her eyes and let the darkness flood. Luna was saying something, very loudly, but very far away, but whatever her words they couldn’t possibly matter now.

She had never been afraid of meeting her end. Only of the pain she might experience when that end came. In that regard, tonight was a blessing. Rarity felt no pain at all, just something all around her that was warm, and soft, and safe.

“WE ARE GOING TO SLEEP WITH APPLEJACK!”

Rarity opened one eye.

“Really?” she said sourly.

“Yes indeed. We have always harbored a secret lust for the strong farmer. WITH YOU OUT OF THE WAY WE SEE NO REASON NOT TO BOB FOR HER LIKE AN APPLE.”

“No... I mean... I’m lying here dying... and I only just manage to say the last words I’ve always wanted to... and you’ve got to end it on that note? Really?”

“I can’t see how your say matters. You were just about to close your eyes and pass on, why should you care?”

“Princess Luna you are... the most horrible pony ever.”

Luna’s wing fell across her back. “Tis true, fair Rarity. We have no need to keep up appearances any longer. It’s not like you’re going to tell anypony.”

Rarity felt vertigo and darkness assault her vision. She pushed it back. “Well maybe I’ll stay alive just to spite you!”

“YOU WOULD DO THAT? FOR US? WE ARE FLATTERED, FAIR RARITY!”

Rarity looked Luna over weakly. Her vision would not focus and all she could see was a blur.

“I think I shall plunge the world into eternal night too. Without you to stop me it should work this time.”

“Something... I always... wondered about that.”

“Yes?”

“Without the sun, Equestria would get very cold, wouldn’t it? Did you have some way to keep ponies alive to appreciate your night, or was the plan just to have us all freeze to death out of spite?”

“Oh... well...” Luna made a big show of hemming and hawing.

“We never really thought that through,” she confessed at last.

“Worst... pony... ever...”  Rarity rasped. Her eyes drifted shut again.

She could feel Luna licking her. It didn’t matter. She was too tired to care or even wonder why.

A long run over her snout. Then another across her lips.

Rarity opened her eyes again. “You’re not... going to... let me have any dignity in this... are you?”

Luna blinked. “You’re still alive?!” Her face was aghast. “Our apologies, fair Rarity. We will resume molesting you once you are properly deceased.”

“Really.”

“Indeed, we would be loathe to see a mare as gorgeous as yourself be buried a virgin.”

Rarity was silent for a long moment. Luna shifted in and out of clarity.

“You... think I’m gorgeous?”

“That was not quite the key point of my statement.”

“I know but... the rest was just trash that you didn’t mean. That part... was an interesting detail.”

“Who is to say what I do or do not mean?”

“You didn’t mean any of that because you’re a good pony.”

“Nonsense, I am a wicked mare of the moon.”

“Hah!” Rarity reached up and touched Luna’s cheek. “I don’t think many ponies would notice your blush against that dark blue coat. But I do. The signs are subtle, but there for anypony to read. You’re making yourself uncomfortable. All just to make me too angry to die.”

Luna’s gaze lowered. “Am I that easy to read?”

“Like a book.” Rarity tried to breathe and for one panicked moment couldn’t find her lungs. She choked, Luna’s eyes widened in concern, and then suddenly air was rasping out of her mouth again.

“You’re... quite unlike any pony of the court. Quite unlike your sister too.”

“One thousand years ago we were the paragon of class and fashion.”

“Oh princess, you still are. You’re that... noble gentlepony of old that every mare claims is gone these days. But here you are. Don’t... ever... change...”

Rarity fell to her side and began convulsing. Her heart was beating erratically, and then blood drained from her body and it wasn’t beating at all. With no control over her neck, her fading vision forced her to stare passively up at the night sky.

bright... so bright... I wonder... how many stars there are....

She couldn’t count them. The glare of starlight was blinding her.

The view became obscured by Luna’s leaning face. Their horns touched.

“Rarity. It’s too late for you to die.”

From the princess’s horn came incomparable power. Blood flew through Rarity’s limbs once more. Her heart began pumping steadily. In an instant, she was whole.

“What...” she coughed. “What happened?”

“It took a thousand years for the stars to aid in my escape. Now that I’m back on Equestria, they aid me considerably more often.”

Rarity crawled to her hooves, shocked at how easily she could move.

“I simply needed time to prepare that subtle leap through space. Thank you for holding out long enough. The stars move slowly. Now, I was only given an instant to be by your side in body. But you are by no means well, so—”

Luna blushed and recoiled back as Rarity nuzzled her. “Thank you. On this night, on this task, you were just the friend I needed, Princess Luna.”

The Element of Magic still lie where it had fallen from her skull. Rarity scooped it up with her nose and dropped it back on her head.

“Rarity!” protested Luna in shock.

This time Rarity knew what to look for. Beneath the rush of power she could feel the pain of the Element draining her.

“What are you doing? After all that has happened, surely you do not still intend to die to save your friends!”

“Of course not,” said Rarity, hooves falling steadily on the road. “That would be ridiculous. I’m going to live and save them.”

V

“Have you ever had your wings preened by someone you loved?” asked Twilight as she bent to do the very task. It was hardly a chore; Princess Celestia’s wings were breathtaking just to look at. She would wet a feather, then tenderly run her hoof along it until it ran straight, slowly but surely transforming the two delicate limbs into a bounty of perfect symmetry.

The princess purred at the attention. “You must understand,” she breathed in between her hisses of encouragement, “I am old, my faithful student. All that a mortal may experience, I have. I have loved and lost, Twilight Sparkle. Time and time again, without ever having let the pain sour me to the pleasure.”

Twilight nodded and leaned forward from her position atop the princess, kissing the base of her swan-like neck. “That doesn’t bother me. I mean... no one’s ever heard of you with anypony, but once I got old enough to think about it, I thought for sure you would have a well... y’know, history.”

“Hmm,” Celestia purred. “Still, perhaps not the most comfortable subject in our young relationship?”

As Twilight worked to straighten a stubborn secondary, it broke off and fluttered to the ground. Twilight tensed, but Celestia hadn’t even appeared to notice.

“No! I mean... I wouldn’t want to make you uncomfortable. I understand that, as the ruler of our nation, some things will only come out with time, and others might not come out at all. But... it wouldn’t bother me to hear about the... others.” She was gushing at this point. “I just... I just want to know everything there is to know about you!”

Celestia arched her neck to the side to meet Twilight’s eye. “It’s rare to find a young pony so open-minded. I must admit that I’m pleased to hear this. Very well... the first was Carnation, and I will say she was the first I tucked away in my memory, the first worth remembering. I was very young then, and that earth pony would put a flower in my mane and then kiss me on the cheek or lips. It was a simple gesture, one since repeated by many lovers.” Celestia sighed. “But on those sunny days, in the fields where we met, she made me feel like the only mare in the world.

“And then there was Stormy Night...”

“A stallion?”

Celestia grinned. “Yes Twilight, a stallion. When you live as long as I have... certain things begin to fade. I discovered that one’s sexual preference is one of the first things to go. He was... not a guardspony, that would not have been proper, but those were the days before guardsponies, and he filled the role of their predecessors. This was before I had established my... before I had established Equestria. He had lost somepony very precious to him, and even now I’m not sure I truly filled the void in his heart. But I thought I did at the time.

“Silver Belle... I remember her most for having such an exquisite taste... velvety and innocent...”

“Sorry to interrupt but...”

“Hmm?”

“You’re breaking character again.”

Celestia let out a groan. “No I’m not!”

“Yes you are, you were just talking about your own romantic history.”

“How would you even know?”

Twilight leaned over and knocked a strain of drool hanging from Celestia’s mouth. “Somehow I just can’t imagine Princess Celestia talking about the taste of her past lover’s emotions and drooling about it.”

“Well it’s not like I actually know these details about her... I just... I just figured it would be more convincing if I drew on my own experiences instead of making up random facts. Sorry if it’s not perfect!”

“So... did any of them preen your feathers?” asked Twilight, shameful of Celestia’s hurt look and wanting to return to the original subject.

“Huh? Oh yes, my paramours. A few I think. It’s a good feeling, that touch. I have the servants tend to my wings of course, but it’s not the same.”

“She knew their names,” Twilight blurted out before she could stop herself.

“Excuse me?”

“Princess Celestia... never referred to her employees like that. There were well over one-thousand ponies working in the palace and she knew each one of them by name.”

Chrysalis’s flesh seemed to cool beneath Twilight’s hooves. The monarch rolled to the side, sending Twilight tumbling off of her back and into a nest of pillows. As she picked herself up, her eyes met the unfeeling stare of her teacher, and she knew she had hurt the changeling once again.

“Perhaps you could give me a few names,” said Chrysalis softly. “I could make it more realistic for you.”

Twilight had no response. She was denied the chance to extricate herself from that situation when the door burst open.

“Twilight!” shouted Rarity, stumbling in.

The white unicorn looked terrible. Her eyes were sunken pits, her mouth half-open and chattering. Her legs still supported her firmly, but there was every hint that they couldn’t stay firm for long.

And that wasn’t the worst by half.

“Your coat!” cried Twilight in despair, leaving Chrysalis to tend to her friend. “It’s... it’s dirty!” It was unthinkable for Rarity to let dirt remain in her coat for even a second. No matter the gravity of the errand or the distance from her home, she would always abandon her current task just to ensure she remained spotless.

Rarity’s mane was even more important to her than her coat, and if anything it was in even worse condition. Stringy and covered with dirt, it was neither groomed nor pretty. Its radiant purple hue could not be made out, and through its dread tangles, it was only barely possible to see the dull glint of—

Twilight might have let her heart stop beating, if it were up to her.

“Where did you teleport her,” she said, her whisper liquid and tranquil. “How far did you teleport her?” Though Twilight’s eyes belonged only to Rarity, there could be no doubt who she addressed.

“Twilight,” said Rarity panting. “Sorry I’m in... such disrepair. Had to borrow... your element... there was no other pony to...”

“Help us,” said Twilight, feeling the guilt burning down her throat.

“Twilight,” said Chrysalis, her voice a perfect match for Celestia’s. “Let’s not jump to any conclusions here. Yes she may have had to march quite a ways, and I’m not quite sure how she made it here this fast, but I assure you the damage isn’t beyond repair.”

“This is... I don’t think this is going to work, Queen Chrysalis.”

Queen Chrysalis lowered her voice. “I am the only way you can have her.”

Twilight Sparkle shook her head. “On the day she left me in Ponyville, my mentor told me that I should always be there for my friends. She told me it was my job to look out for them. To protect them. And you're just keeping me from doing that.”

“Look,” said Queen Chrysalis, melding back into her natural form and approaching Twilight from behind. “These changeling-pony relationships are always rocky for the first week or two, we just need—”

“WE JUST NEED SOME SPACE!”

Spinning her neck around, Twilight let out a rapid-fire spell that struck Chrysalis directly in the chest, afflicting her with a forced teleportation that would land her... Twilight hadn’t specified where. She had only made sure that it would be far away.

When Twilight turned back to tend to Rarity, she found that her friend had closed ten feet between them, bloodshot eyes pressed almost against Twilight’s face.

“Gotcha!” cried Rarity triumphantly as she fired off her own spell, pulling both of them deep into the recesses of Twilight Sparkles mind.

The crowd of ponies buzzed with excitement. The street was sprawling with unicorns and earth ponies as far as the eye could see, most smiling, a few frowning, and all raptly staring at the steps leading up to the makeshift platform.

Overlooking the stage was the Hoofington Monument, a towering mountain that had long ago been commissioned to show the faces of the four most important ponies in Equestrian history, as identified by the scholar Ciphered Note.

The first face could easily be recognized by anypony; Princess Celestia had been the sovereign since the dawn of time, some claimed.

The other three faces were also Princess Celestia.

Atop the stage, a large white banner with ornate letters had been draped for all to see, reading:

PRINCESS CELESTIA HATES FAGS

Soon the princess of the hour herself arrived, trotting calmly on the stage with a guard trailing alongside either of her sculpted hips. She paused, turning her back on the crowd to regard the monument.

“You know,” she said after she turned to face the crowd. “I never really wanted all four of those faces to be mine, or even one of them. I believe it was two centuries ago that somepony decided the first of April would be ‘Princess Celestia’ day. Most of the statues and portraits had already been built before anypony thought to consult me about it.”

She nodded up toward the banner. “But that isn’t why we’re here today, is it? Let’s start with the questions.”

The press ponies near the front all began shouting at once. Princess Celestia lifted a hoof and selected one.

“Thank you princess,” said a white-speckled young pony with serious eyes. “This is intrepid reporter Breaking News, with the question that I believe is on everypony’s mind. Why exactly do you hate fags so much?”

“Because it has been scientifically proven that they cause heart disease, lung cancer, and ultimately death! Even ponies breathing in second-hand smoke can suffer these terrible health effects. Many athlete ponies have been promoting the supposed positive effects of smoking, and now I fear for their credibility, their health, and their ability to continue performing.

“I did not want to act until I was certain my researchers were correct, but the data can no longer be disputed. And so, after crying many beautiful princess tears, I used the Elements of Harmony to banish fags from the land forever.”

“Yay!” cried a pair of colts in the front row, before embracing each other and passionately locking lips.

Princess Celestia spared a moment to smile at the lovers before turning back to the anxious newscasters. “Third row, green coat?”

“Thank you Princess,” said an obese pony. “While your judgement does seem sound, I think the ponies of Equestria are concerned about the long-term economic effects of your decision, compounded with the cost of treating nicotine addicts...”

Deep within the throngs, Twilight Sparkle sat through the press interview with her governess Obstructive Justice. Twilight couldn’t have been more than seven or eight years old, while her guardian was aged well over ten times that number.

“Aren’t you lucky my little Twilight?” asked the old mare with a twinkling smile. “You get to watch the princess protect everypony from those smelly old cigarettes. Most girls your age would sure be jealous that you get to be here! Isn’t she pretty?” Justice turned her gaze on the monarch with a wistful sigh.

“Yep!” said Twilight eagerly. “She’s very pretty, and she’s the best pony ever!” The filly frowned pensively. “I think she mispronounced athlete though, there isn’t a third syllable.”

Twilight never saw the hoof until after it had slammed into her face. One moment she couldn’t be happier, enjoying a fine summer day and the hypnotically attractive words of Equestria’s monarch, the next her snout was numb with excruciating pain.

“Wh-why did you...” Twilight was still too shocked to cry, but only for the moment it took for her brain to process events and send her bawling like an infant.

On the stage, Celestia stopped talking and looked directly at the two. “Excuse me,” she said abruptly, hopping down and pushing the closest ponies aside without a second thought. “Press Release will answer your remaining questions.”

As Celestia made her way through the crowd, her guards forcing aside anypony too slow to duck out of her way, a sunglassed mare in a sharp suit took her place and began calling on the jabbering press.

“Ya wanna know why you little brat?!” spat Justice, oblivious to the princess’s advance. “Because I’m tired of your generation picking apart everything the princess does! Back in my day, ponies knew their place. We knew everything the princess does is right. She’s the only thing keeping this great country from getting picked apart by the griffons and the dogs. She’s perfect. Do you hear that, you ungrateful little horseapple? Perfect!”

“I’m sorry!” wailed Twilight, failing to control the torrent of tears. “I’ll never say she made a mistake again, she’s perfect!”

As Twilight opened her eyes, she became aware of a warm weight on her hip, and her own hoof gently massaging Rarity’s troubled and sweat-damp brow.

Rarity’s eyes were closed and her breath came slow and steady; Twilight was certain she was asleep until she spoke up.

“Your memory ended rather abruptly. What happened next?”

“You know,” said Twilight, scooping up the Element of Magic and absently turning it with her mind, “I have no idea. I remember going with Princess Celestia on many trips like that; and I remember Obstructive Justice taking care of me the first few months under the princess’s tutelage. I liked her well enough, but one day she disappeared and Princess Celestia started looking after me herself. She never gave me an answer when I asked what happened to my old governess.”

“I can’t believe that brute would lay a hoof on you!”

Twilight squeezed the relaxed unicorn’s shoulder. “Don’t raise your voice Rarity, you’re in a very fragile state right now and I don’t want you excited. You know though... it doesn’t even matter to me anymore. I hope the princess wasn’t too hard on her.”

“That’s generous of you, Twilight.”

As Twilight concentrated on ministering to Rarity’s forehead, she recognized her technique from a medical textbook describing how to treat a unicorn drained of magic.

“What were you thinking? Don’t you realize that putting that on without the proper training exposes you to some very serious risks?”

“I had an idea I suppose.”

“How long did you have it on?”

“I put it on shortly after I last saw you. Why?”

Twilight’s eyes widened in concern. “Rarity that... that was nearly an hour ago. With that much exposure I’m surprised you’re conscious at all!”

“I didn’t really think it would work when I tried it.”

“Why not?”

“Well... magic is your element, isn’t it? I don’t see how I could have used it.”

“Rarity... you aren’t just connected to one element. You’re connected to all of the elements.”

“How do you mean, dearest?”

“Can you really say that your entire life you’ve never performed an act of kindness? Stayed true to a friend? How about laughed? You don’t have to answer that Rarity, I’ve seen you do all of those things. Generosity isn’t your only virtue. It just happens to be the amulet you’re best suited for. There’s not really any good reason to mix things up... and a lot of reasons not to, as I’m sure you realize now. But it is possible.”

Rarity turned so that she was looking up at Twilight. “Did it help you?”

“Hmm?”

“I cast that spell so we could learn why you chose Chrysalis. But truth be told, I’m still a teensy bit lost here. How do you feel about your mentor?”

Twilight briefly paused in her massage to give a shrug that Rarity couldn’t see.

“It’s like a weight off my shoulder.”

“Is that so dear?”

“Yes! Do you know how long I’ve put myself through misery over this? I thought she was unapproachable! I thought I would never be good enough! I wanted Chrysalis to make an imperfect copy just so I could feel comfortable with her! But she pronounced athlete wrong! She does make mistakes! Maybe I’m not out of her league!”

“I’m happy for you, darling.”

“Thank you.”

Rarity began struggling to her feet. “We really should go find Applejack and the others, you know. I think... I think I’m ready to go.”

Placing her hooves on her friend’s back, Twilight guided her back down. “Rarity... no. I don’t want you injuring yourself further.”

“You don’t understand, I’ve come so far. I’ve already met with Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, and Rainbow Dash. They’re all ready to end this.”

“Aren’t you forgetting someone?”

“No, I got Fluttershy.”

“Really,” said Twilight with a smirk. “And during all that time, you never realized how much danger you were in?”

“Actually the danger was revealed to me early on.”

“I see... and you still didn’t quit? You never thought you might need to stop and let some other pony handle it?”

“There was no one else Twilight... I was alone!”

“And I’m very sorry for that. I should never have let things go that far. But all the same... I need to know what drove you so far. What gave you such little value for yourself.” Twilight concentrated on a spell and brought out the glow in her horn.

“Twilight,” pleaded Rarity, crawling weakly away. “A lady needs her secrets.”

Twilight stood and caught her easily. “I’d feel guilty about this, if you hadn’t done the same thing to me.”

The element of Magic was lying on the pillowed floor. Twilight left it there for the moment. For something as simple as a memory search spell, it would have been overkill.

The decorations of Daisy Doo’s Cafe in Canterlot were exactly how Rarity professed to have liked them: gleaming. Crystal chandeliers caught and reflected the sunlight of the warm summer, while the polished tables and countertop did no less.

“Oh please, you’re making me blush!” cried Rarity, emitting that high-class noble laugh that came as naturally to her as breathing.

“But it is the truth,” said Fancypants, keeping his cool. “You are a talent seen but once in a century. Hoity Toity, Photo Finish, Sapphire Shores, all recognized this in one manner or another, and went far out of their way to visit you in Ponyville.”

“Stop,” said Rarity, batting her lashes and flailing a hoof.

“But for each of those celebrities, with the time and money to go out of their way just to visit you, there are a thousand or more ponies with no such means. Rarity, you could pave your way to greatness in any city in Equestria. Los Pegasus, Trottingham, Neighpon, even Saddle Arabia if you’ve the taste for the exotic. If you were however, to choose to set up a second shop in my home city of Canterlot, I would be willing to fund you with a start-up loan of no less than one-hundred thousand bits, and my own business expertise should you require it.”

“Canterlot!” cried Rarity, and then, when it had processed, “One-hundred thousand bits!” she put a forearm up to her hoof and swooned.

“Think about it,” said Fancypants, reflecting only genteel calm back at Rarity’s dramatics.

“Oh no,” said Rarity sitting up. “Thank you so much for the offer! But there’s nothing to think about, I could never repay such a loan! My special talent is finding gemstones and then finding works of art to insert them into— my own, namely. Some of these gems are priceless, it’s true. But every one I find sooner or later finds a place in my work. There has never been an exception. I don’t sell them... it would be a betrayal of their fabulous potential!”

Fancypants inclined his head. “I understand completely. Rarity, a year in Canterlot and you’ll have made three, four, even five times that loan in gross profit. My instincts tell me so, and I am a wealthy pony because my instincts are never wrong. So if by some unforeseeable tragedy you should lose that money without recouping it in profits, you will owe me nothing. You can go the rest of your life without that debt ever being collected.

“If I am right, which I am, I only ask for a return of my loan plus fifteen percent within one year of your arrival in Canterlot.”

“You’re... you’re too generous.”

Fancypants lowered his gaze, smiling widely. “High praise coming from you, my lady.”

“You know...” said Rarity, looking away. “Ever since I was a little filly, I’ve been envious of Canterlot. The glamour. The sophistication. I have always dreamed of living there.”

“Yet you don’t seem so excited.”

Remembering her lonely smoothie, Rarity stirred it with her straw. “Some dreams we give up for a reason. I have a family in Ponyville. And there are of course my friends.”

Fancypants tapped the table, frowning. “You mentioned a sister and parents, if I recall correctly? Do they depend on you financially?”

“No.”

“Rarity... I’m not sensing that this is a dream you’ve given up. Something tells me that you’re looking for a reason to say yes.”

Rarity took a sip of her drink and looked away.

Fancypants peered closer at her, then blinked.

“Ah hah. A matter of the heart, I can see it as plain as day. May I ask...?”

Rarity paused. “Her name is Applejack.”

“Well, could you not bring her with you?”

Rarity closed her eyes and opened them. “I don’t know. I hope so.”

Fancypants nodded. “Alright. I understand. Why don’t you give me your answer at the soiree I’m having next month?”

Rarity began to nod her head, but shook it instead. “No I... have an answer now.”

Fancypants raised a brow.

“Even though I would dearly love for her to come... even if she doesn’t, I still want this. A mare must do some things for herself. The answer is yes, my friend.”

Reeling from the shock, Rarity sat up under her own strength now, though still leaning against cushions.

“I just wanted everyone to have a gift to remember me by. If I were to leave—when I leave—then I needed some appropriate way to say farewell.”

“Rarity...”

“I’m sorry!”

“Why?”

“We won’t be such close friends anymore, Twilight. We can’t, not with the distance.”

Twilight closed the distance to Rarity, pulled by her own heart. Feeling that desperate chill within her chest, she wrapped her forearms around the despondent unicorn, filling herself with the heat of the mare’s body.

“Don’t be so stupid,” she whispered.

“Manners!”

“I’m sorry, but that’s just ridiculous. I’m so happy for the opportunity that you’ve been given. And Canterlot is only a few hours away by train. I’m going to visit you. A lot.”

“You... you mean it?”

Twilight could feel Rarity’s warm tears dripping onto her shoulder. “Of course silly.”

“Twilight... what I said about wanting to leave a gift... that was a lie! Those weren’t my thoughts... even when death faced me, all I could think about was myself. How grateful everyone would be, how much attention I would get. How if I died, no one would ever forgot me for as long as they lived.”

Twilight leaned back to stare into Rarity’s tearful eyes. Her friend’s lips quivered. She bopped her on the snout with a hoof.

“I don’t believe that for a minute Rarity.”

Rarity offered no resistance when Twilight tugged her saddlebag off from around her shoulder. On the way to the door, she plucked up the Element of Magic and placed it on her head.

That familiar power tried to surge within her, but Twilight expected it. She forbade it from overwhelming and obliterating her, and instead diverted its magic to five gold chokers and their bearers. Through space she sensed them and with Magic she could reunite them.

“Just Applejack then, right? I’ll go find her and then round everyone up. You stay here where it’s safe, and just take it easy.”

Rarity followed her to the door. “I’m coming with you,” she declared.

Twilight shook her head. “You’re a lot weaker than you think and you need attention I’m not qualified to give you. You’re sitting this one out.”

“You need me if we’re going to defeat Chrysalis anywaaay!” Rarity looked like she would whine if the point was forced.

“She’s not more important than your safety Rarity. If we have to let her go, I can accept that.”

Rarity looked like she would throw a fit, but instead she swallowed. Her eyes gained an earnest and determined quality that Twilight found impossible to resist.

“Twilight... I have to see her. I have to see what images she asked Chrysalis for. I saved her for last because I couldn’t bear to know, but now... please Twilight. Please.”

Twilight sighed and approached Rarity, giving her shoulder a squeeze. She focused her horn and raised the other unicorn off the ground, laying her friend upon her own lavender back. The unicorn was too heavy for her to carry without exhausting herself, so she kept her telekinesis active and her load light.

All the changelings had disappeared by the time they returned to the main room of the recreation center. The only sign that they had been present was the jostled furniture and a few abandoned board games.

Stepping outside into the night, Twilight felt the cool air on her coat and realized just how stifling the warmth of Queen Chrysalis’s white wings had been.

Finding Applejack took nothing more than allowing Harmony to work. The elements wanted to be together, and naturally sought each other out. Through practice and mastery of the subtle cues of magic, Twilight Sparkle could find Honesty and the last pony who had wielded it as easily as she felt the midnight winds brushing against her fur.

Twilight had expected to find Applejack in the presence of changelings, and indeed there were two ponies with her. Twilight hesitated in order to better make them out.

They were earth ponies, a male and a female, much older than Twilight. The mare had strong, taut muscles running cross her jawline and grey coat, proudly wearing Applejack’s cowpony hat while the younger mare sat complacently beside her, bareheaded. The stallion had a yellowish coat and an unruly mane, and occasionally knelt down to chew at the grass.

In the dim light Twilight could make out apple cutie marks. As far as she knew, Applejack already had an excellent relationship with all her family members. Had she fought with these relatives recently?

Feeling Rarity stirring on her back, Twilight stopped trotting.

“Who are they?” she asked her prone friend.

There was no reply, and Twilight for a moment thought that Rarity had no answer. And when the reply did come, Twilight couldn’t make sense of it at first.

“They’re her parents,” Rarity whispered.

Twilight had visited Sweet Apple Acres on countless occasions. She had never met Applejack’s parents or heard anyone mention them. So why would Applejack suddenly want them to show up—

Twilight rarely prevented her mouth from getting ahead of her thoughts. She was intensely grateful that this time she had.

Anxiety made her hooves quiver as she approached. She no longer knew that she was doing the right thing. A hurried, panicked voice inside her told her to leave and not return.

“Hey there Twi...” said Applejack as she gazed up at the night sky. “That you?” She peeked back over her blonde mane and met Twilight’s eye, before nodding to herself.

“And you too Rare. Was worried about you after ya ran off like that.”

“Applejack...” Applejack silenced Twilight with a hoof.

“Now I don’t wanna hear it, Alright? Every day, I gotta find somethin’ new in order to keep goin’. Yesterday it was makin’ sandwiches for y’all, just like ma did for me an’ ‘Bloom. And tonight well... tonight was unusual so it ended up bein’ this.”

Twilight sat down. She felt like she should say something. She couldn’t.

“It’s kind of a relief really. I always knew nothin’ could bring ‘em back. But sittin’ here like this, like the three of us used ta on beautiful nights, with two strangers... it really makes it sink in. Nothin’ll ever be the same again.”

She looked back at Twilight. “Is Rarity awake? What happened t’her?”

“Mm, I’m awake.” Twilight felt Rarity’s vocal cords vibrating against her spine.

Twilight made sure Rarity was secure on her back before leaning in to Applejack’s ear. “She’s been running around all night with the Element of Magic, trying to convince everyone to fight. Don’t stress her out too much it... it almost cost her her life.”

“What?! Rarity! What have you been playin’ at?”

“Just trying to help, darling.”

“S’that so.” Applejack walked around Twilight to look Rarity in the eye. Twilight tried to turn her head to watch, but her vision was blocked by Rarity’s dangling forelimb.

“Before you go pullin’ a stunt like that again,” Applejack hissed, “You take a second and you think about who yer leavin’ behind!”

Rarity began crying. “I’m sorry. Please don’t be mad.”

“Dangit, I ain’t mad at ya! I’m just scared! Shucks, gimme that varmint Twilight.”

Before Twilight could help in the transition, Applejack dragged Rarity off of her back and laid her down on broad earth pony shoulders. Twilight released her telekinesis, and Applejack didn’t so much as shift her weight.

Applejack took one last look at her parents. “Ever since that day, I’ve been in charge of holdin’ everything together in the family. Ah don’t know how it got decided it ought to be me, or why, and some days I don’ particularly like it. But the thing I got to say to you Rarity, ain’t about complainin’.”

Applejack took a deep breath and closed her eyes. “Ah didn’ know how to carry on. Ah still don’t know how to carry on. Ah thought in four years it wouldn’ hurt so much, but it never gets easier. The pain gets duller, but the wound’s still deep as it ever were. So I just tried to remember everythin’ they taught me... and when it comes to things they didn’t teach, ah just have to improvise.”

She waved a hoof over the pony couple silently watching her. “Like gettin’ married and startin’ a family. They never talked t’me about that... not once. So ah just thought ah’d do like they did, find some sturdy stallion like mah father, and have a colt and a filly or two. Even when I realized I was different, ah just lied and said I was straight... cause I wanted ta be like them... have a piece of them.

“But I learned somethin’ tonight Rarity, somethin’ I didn’ know the last time you saw me. Watching these two wearin’ faces that ain’t theirs, that hurts. Not even bein’ able to buck ‘em for it because they didn’ do anything except what I asked ‘em to, that hurts even more. It probably feels kinda like bein’ kissed by another mare and then hearin’ her tell ya she’s straight.”

The changelings glanced at each other, forelegs fidgeting uneasily.

“Ah’m sorry Rarity. Ah’m sorry I hurt you. Ah’m sorry ah left you fightin’ alone even though ah knew ya were countin’ on me to stick with ya to the end. But that’s all finished.”

Rarity only clung tighter to Applejack’s strong back.

Applejack reached up and plucked her hat off of the grey mare. “This is mah hat. And those aren’t yer faces.”

The changelings blinked, glanced at each other uneasily, and then hesitated.

“AH SAID GIT YA LOUSY CURS! AH DON’T NEED TA LOOK AT YA ANYMORE!”

They didn’t need to be told again. The now-shed disguises unveiled raw terror on their insect faces, as one the two changelings skittered into the darkness.

Applejack looked aside to Twilight. “Ya got somethin’ of mine too Twi’.”

Stunned into inaction, Twilight could only gape at Applejack until the earth pony spoke again.

“The Element? So we can close this business up?”

“Oh! Sorry I was just...”

“It’s okay,” said Applejack gently. Twilight fished Honesty out of her saddlebags and levitated it around her friend’s neck.

“Hey, there you guys are!” Twilight looked up with a start. It was Rainbow Dash’s voice.

The pegasus came into sight and landed on the hill before them. “Pinkie and Fluttershy are back at the center. All the changelings are gone. What are you three doing out here?”

Applejack shrugged, causing Rarity to rise and fall on her back. “Jus’ enjoyin’ a starry night.”

“Well there’s no time for that, let’s meet up so we can finally lick Chrysalis!”

“Of course,” said Twilight, feeling her spirit rise. “Lead the way Rainbow Dash.”

When Twilight and the others returned, Pinkie Pie had to hug everyone, including Rainbow Dash who had only been gone briefly, and Fluttershy who hadn’t even left.

Fluttershy noticed Rarity’s state of recovery and had to find her a blanket, which turned into a petty squabble when Rarity insisted that a tan and grey blanket wouldn’t match her mane.

Everything felt absurdly normal. It took Twilight a second to remember that the tingling warmth in her heart only meant that everything would be alright.

Twilight took that feeling and let it fuel her magic. She sought out Chrysalis not with hatred in her heart, but full of love for the princess that counted on her for this duty, and her friends who would not let her do it alone.

A shimmering mirror appeared in the air before her as her horn glowed. It showed an image of the changeling swarm in mid-flight, Queen Chrysalis in the center of the mass. Her friends gathered around her to watch.

“What are they doing?” asked Rainbow Dash.

“It looks like they’re... leaving,” said Twilight with a frown.

“Should we just let them go? They didn’t hurt anyone,” said Fluttershy.

“We really can’t, unfortunately. Chrysalis will just show up later to cause more trouble.”

Pinkie stood on her hind legs. “We’re gonna have to run really fast if we want to catch up to them!”

“No need,” said Twilight with a humble smile. “I’ll just bring them here. Let’s form up in front of the exit so they can’t get away again.”

No one hesitated at her instructions. Twilight looked over her friends to make certain the Elements were on their breasts and the spirit of Harmony was strong. Then she cast a powerful reverse teleportation spell made possible only by the Elements, reaching far into the night to where Chrysalis and her minions fled.

The magic latched tightly on to Twilight’s many targets. She felt brief resistance from Chrysalis, and then nothing as the large room filled with sparkling purple energy, out of which nearly one hundred confused changelings popped out.

Unlike her minions, Chrysalis wasted no time in a daze. She spun furiously on Twilight and her five friends.

“What is the meaning of this?” the queen demanded. “You’ve already given my people adequate love to survive, for which I am grateful. But you have each foolishly chosen to reject your own happiness, and I have no more time for you.”

“You’re wrong Chrysalis!” cried Twilight, floating into the air as the power of Harmony awoke. “We will find happiness through reality! All that we reject are your lies!”

“We’ll get there no matter how painful it gets!” said Applejack, rising up to Twilight’s left.

“We’ll discover ourselves!” said Rainbow Dash, floating on Twilight’s right.

“We’ll do it with friends!” said Pinkie Pie, also rising behind Twilight.

“And no matter what—”

Twilight would never learn how Fluttershy intended to finish her sentence, for at that exact moment the door behind them disintegrated into a thousand splinters, and the sheer kinetic energy behind the destruction tumbled over countless desks, bookshelves, and flung hundreds of loose filing papers into the air, slamming into every corner and furniture. 

Twilight and her five friends went flying with the debris. 

Mid-flight, Twilight’s tiara flew off her head and disappeared in the mass of changeling flesh. The mighty spell that had been near completion fizzled and died with an undignified pop.

Looking up in a stupor, Twilight squirmed halfway out of the mass of changelings she had been flung into as she tried to see what in Equestria had happened.

Beyond the ruined doorframe stood a horned and musclebound apparition. Its feral eyes gleamed in the night. A reptilian menace lay coiled atop its shoulder, tasting the air with a forked tongue. With a start, Twilight realized she was looking at Spike.

“When somepony kidnaps your mare...

“IT’S TIME TO GROW A PAIR!”

“Of horns!” added Spike cheerfully. He was wearing a plastic viking helmet. The minotaur did not need a helmet since he was already equipped with a pair.

“What... what’s going on?” mumbled Twilight.

“Is that... Iron Will?” Fluttershy asked from somewhere beneath a pile of changelings.

Without further ado, Iron Will charged into the room, blazing away with a pair of fully automatic machine pistols that spewed multi-colored globules onto the changeling swarm. Hanging on to the dubious safety of two massive shoulders, Spike reached into a bag and began chucking balloons into the crowd, where they exploded in more paint, like grenades.

Trailing behind that unstoppable duo, Shining Armor, Big Macintosh, and Soarin filed into the room and began firing at will, clearing out stragglers that Iron Will left in his devastating wake. Each were wearing horned helmets just like Spike.

Big Mac wielded a double barrel paint shotgun. Two wide blasts collided into the tightly packed changelings, and then he was left with the lengthy process of reloading with his hooves. While the mighty stallion fiddled with the gun, three changelings cautiously approached him, muscles tensing.

Big Mac looked up and frowned. “Eenope.”

The changelings exchanged glances and then backed away from their opponent, patiently waiting to be shot in the head.

As Soarin wildly fired his assault paint rifle, he flipped through the air and strafed the crowd. After emptying his clip, he landed beside Rainbow Dash and pulled her free from a pile of changelings he had tagged with his gun.

“You okay?” he asked.

“Yeah,” she said, cheeks turning red.

The crackle of his earpiece could be heard by the entire room. “Pardon me, Soarin? Could you open the leftmost window on the north wall?”

Soarin turned his gaze away from Rainbow, clearly annoyed. “Can this wait? I’m kind of in the middle of something here Fancypants.”

“Oh no doubt. But as remarkable as this scoped paint rifle is, I simply can’t contribute to this battle until I have an open window. I believe this duty was assigned to you in our strategy brief.”

Soarin rolled his eyes and then flew over the mob of changelings to open up a window. No sooner did he clear it than a high velocity round of paint fly through and explode into a hapless changeling, coating it entirely in paint.

“Happy now?”

“Quite.”

“Radio silence!” cried Iron Will as changelings sailed away from his rampage.

In the rear, Shining Armor fired off a rifle similar to Soarin’s, clearing a path toward Twilight. As he drew closer, one of the changelings that he had blasted simply stared blinking at him.

Shining Armor stopped and gave the changeling a petulant look.

“Err... I shot you?”

“Yeah, I know,” said the changeling, looking confused. “Why did you do that?”

“It doesn’t matter why, I shot you okay? You’re out.”

“Oh, sorry.” The changeling carefully lay down and put its limbs up in the air. Shining Armor nodded his approval and finished his journey to Twilight Sparkle.

“You alright Twiley?” he flashed that winning smile and helped her to her feet.

“What’s going on?!”

“We’re rescuing you of course!”

“No you don’t—”

“ARMOR!” bellowed Iron Will. “It’s time, get over here!”

“One sec!” said Shining Armor, galloping over to close ranks with the minotaur.

Iron Will set down Spike, who waddled over to Twilight and her gathering group of friends. Then he and Shining Armor charged into the thick of the crowd, heading straight toward Queen Chrysalis.

“Stop them!” cried the changeling monarch. Her shapeshifter loyalists recovered from their shock and scrambled to defend Chrysalis, but not even an organized defense could slow them down for long. As the minotaur and the guardsmen drew nearer, Chrysalis grew desperate enough to attack them with her own magic. Bolts of sickly green energy shaped like spear-points headed straight toward Iron Will, but Shining Armor had prepared for this and erected a purple shield that harmlessly deflected the blasts.

In just a few seconds, Iron Will loomed over the queen. The mighty twin pistols tried to fire one last time, but two empty clicks signaled that the clips had finally run dry. Improvising at break-neck speed, the rampaging beast hurled the weapons through the air where they smacked solidly against the last two changeling guards standing, bowling both of them over. With raptor-like speed, he then pulled a sawed off paint shotgun with pistol grip from a sheath at his belt, aiming the harmless weapon scant inches from Queen Chrysalis’s fanged face.

“Please don’t,” cried Chrysalis, sobbing in terror. “You’ll mess up my hair! And my poor people... there could be lead in that paint!”

“Don’t be ridiculous!” roared Iron Will. “I’m not a barbarian!”

“Still, it’s going to be so much work to clean everyone up,” said Chrysalis as she surveyed the moaning wreckage of her paint-splattered horde. “They’re going to expect me to do it you know, I swear these drones are like five year olds.”

The pair descended into heavy bickering, with Iron Will at one point shouting and pointing to his now empty plastic gun. Neither of them noticed Twilight and her friends shambling to their feet.

“You know,” said Twilight as the last of her friends had picked themselves up, “we could probably blast her right now while they’re bickering.”

Rainbow Dash shook her head, chin lifted. “Sorry Twilight, but no. I’m willing to be the Element of Loyalty again, but there’s no way I’m going to defeat a villain this pathetic with so many ponies watching. I’d never live it down!”

“I’m with Rainbow Dash,” added Fluttershy. “I’d feel bad about defeating her when she’s having such a hard time. I might umm... help her clean up though? That’s kind of like a victory for us?”

Twilight sighed and nodded, sitting back to watch the queen quivering under minotaur gunpoint. “Alright. Point well-taken.” She gestured to the scene with a hoof. “This... this is our victory. I’m just going to do my best to appreciate it.”

“You brought this on yourself Chrysalis!” Iron Will was saying. “Let those mares go right now, or face the consequences!”

“They’ve always been free to go,” protested Chrysalis. “I didn’t do anything wrong.”

Iron Will raised a brow but lowered his gun. “Really? Well, Iron Will would hate to think this whole thing was a misunderstanding...”

Shining Armor ducked in between the changeling monarch and Iron Will, looking fervently up at the hulking beast. “Hey! Wait a minute, this isn’t what we agreed on! This is the best opportunity I’ve ever had to capture Chrysalis, but I need your help Iron Will! You can’t listen to her lies!”

Iron Will pursed his lip, stalking back and forth. “Armor. What did Iron Will tell everypony when we first repurposed our therapy group into a vigilante hit squad?”

“That doesn’t matter! Don’t you understand—”

“WHAT DID IRON WILL SAY, ARMOR?”

Shining Armor sighed and took a deep breath. “Before you kick down the door...”

“MAKE SURE YOU’RE ON THE RIGHT FLOOR!” finished Iron Will. “Look Armor, you’re not thinking clearly. All you’ve got on your mind is vengeance, and until you’ve paid your debt in blood, you won’t stop and think about who else might get hurt. You were just like me, ten years ago, when my wife was killed...”

Shining Armor’s jaw dropped. “Your wife was killed?! I... I had no idea... I’m so...”

Iron Will blinked in confusion. “Wife? Uhh... no... I never had a wife. Sorry, it’s just that our conversation started to remind me of this old cop movie I saw. Got me confused for a second.”

Shining Armor’s eyes rolled upward in annoyance, an expression that Twilight had copied from a young age.

“Alright Iron Will, you can talk to her. I still have to bring her in when you’re done, so just watch her closely.”

Iron Will nodded briskly to Chrysalis. “Alright, you were claiming to be innocent?”

“Yes,” said Chrysalis sadly. “I didn’t want to hurt anypony, I just needed to feed my children.”

“And what does this involve?”

“We feed off the love emotions of thinking creatures, usually ponies. But it doesn’t hurt them! Do you think you can run out of anger, or happiness? Of course you can’t, you draw on more whenever the need arises. Sure we can put our subjects in a fog if we’re feeling nasty, but it’s strictly optional and even then the effects are temporary.”

Iron Will glanced back at Twilight and the others. “Is this true? You were willing participants in this?”

“It’s true,” said Twilight with a dismissive shrug. “We tried it out and well... we decided it’s not for us.”

“No way!” said Soarin, approaching Iron Will. “I scouted ahead just like you told me, and I saw all sorts of freaky magic going on in this building.”

“That was us,” said Twilight in annoyance. “We were just about to use the Elements of Harmony before SOMEPONY burst in and knocked us all over the room!”

“The Elements?!” Shining Armor’s eyes light up. “Oh, right, right. You can still do that! We’ll get out of your way!”

“No can do, big bro,” said Twilight. “You ruined our buzz.”

“Yep,” said Rainbow Dash, looking away. “Buzz is officially killed.”

“So tell me more about this feeding,” continued Iron Will after shooting a glare at the interrupting ponies.

“It’s an ancient changeling tradition. We appear before a pony as the creature they desire most, and offer to take their place and bond with them for life. As their queen, it’s my duty to ensure that my children find these bonds and don’t go hungry. I thought for sure these six miserable mares would be a perfect fit... but I was rejected!”

Iron Will nodded slowly. “Your majesty, Iron Will thinks you have a completely viable product to sell here. The only thing standing in your way is the delivery. You can’t just stalk ponies in the night in the hopes that they’re your customers.”

Chrysalis tilted her head. “We... can’t?”

“Before I continue, on a scale of one to ten, how well stocked is the changeling treasury?”

Chrysalis scoffed. “Are you kidding?! Our pony lovers constantly shower us with bits and valuables. We don’t even have any use for it as a collectivist society, so we just keep it all in a gigantic heap of treasure back at the nest. I don’t know what to do about it, we’re running out of room!”

Iron Will inclined his head, completely calm. “Queen Chrysalis, Iron Will would be honored to be your head marketing agent.”

Chrysalis stared at the minotaur wide-eyed. “Wh-what do you mean?”

“I mean advertisement, customer support, slogans! I’ve got one already.” Iron Will cleared his throat. “When life’s hung you to dry... GIVE A CHANGELING A TRY!”

Chrysalis gasped. “That’s amazing!”

Iron Will grinned and chuckled. “I get that reaction a lot.”

Queen Chrysalis laughed and batted a hoof in the minotaur’s direction. “Oh you!”

Twilight Sparkle was beside the two at this point. “Excuse me,” she said nervously.

Iron Will looked down at her with a frown. “What is it, tiny mare?”

Twilight stood up straighter. “You guys... you guys can’t do that!”

Chrysalis raised a brow. “Twilight, it was fun for all of an hour, but I think we both need to move on.” Her green eyes appraised Iron Will. “Apparently I’m dating minotaurs now.”

Iron Will blinked, did a double take, and subtly stepped away from Queen Chrysalis.

“That’s not what I meant,” said Twilight with a scowl. She turned to Iron Will. “That’s the changeling queen you’re addressing. She’s royalty! You can’t just... walk up to her and offer to form an intimate business relationship!”

“Err... intimate?” Iron Will peered down at Chrysalis, nose wrinkling.

“Mmm-hmm,” said Chrysalis with a contented little purr. “I think intimate is the perfect word here.”

Twilight spun to Chrysalis. “And you! You’re a Queen for goodness’ sake! Where’s your sense of dignity?!”

Chrysalis sighed and knelt down to look Twilight in the eye. “Twilight Sparkle. I would usually never do this, since it’s just going to make it harder for me to manipulate you in the future. But given how soundly you rejected me, I don’t think that matters anymore.

“The truth is, I don’t see myself as a changeling queen. I see myself as a pony.”

“Huh?”

“Is it really so shocking?”

“No I mean... I’ve read up on your species, and you’re definitely not a pony.” Twilight cleared her throat and recited. “Despite their standard quadruped bearing, the Morphos Decepticus shares more in common with the humble insect. Possessing a rugged chitinous exoskeleton, the species perpetrates themselves by relying on the queen, who can lay an average of ten-thousand eggs every—”

“Hey!” cried Queen Chrysalis. “That’s personal information!”

“Sorry,” said Twilight, blushing and clamming up.

“Don’t confuse the matter with your fancy biology. I’ve got four hooves and I trot, so as far as I can see I’m some kind of pony. But that’s not the point. The point is I have feelings Twilight. I have failings. And I even have desire. Sometimes being at the top of the social ladder makes all of that harder. But it doesn’t make it go away.”

“Wow...” said Twilight quietly. “I never thought of you that way.”

“It doesn’t matter what you think of me you dolt!” cried Chrysalis. “Your issue is that you’ve never thought of Princess Celestia that way. That’s why you don’t have her. That’s why you’re lonely.”

“Yep,” said Shining Armor. “That’s what I was kind of trying to tell you yesterday Twiley. Maybe I should have just come out and said it.”

He shot a glare at Queen Chrysalis. “You’re still an evil witch.”

“Yeah?” said Queen Chrysalis, feigning indifference. “What are you gonna do about it?”

“Take you in,” said Shining Armor as his horn lit up. With a magenta glow, a set of shackles clamped around Chrysalis’s legs. She tested them with a grunt, but the bindings held.

Shining Armor began marching Queen Chrysalis to the door.

Iron Will followed. “It’ll be alright Chrysalis. My brother’s a lawyer, he can help you.”

“Not against war crimes,” said Shining Armor, a touch smug. “I’m afraid you’re going to have to have your marketing meetings in the Canterlot dungeons. And don’t try anything, I’ve already summoned the rest of the guard, they shouldn’t be far away at this point.”

Chrysalis cooperated sullenly, slowly moving to the doorway as the conjured chains dragged on the ground. The few drones left standing and free of paint moved to help her, but she waved them away.

“You can’t possibly comprehend what a huge mistake you’re making, guardspony,” she hissed. “If you had any sense, you’d release me right now while you still have that shiny little uniform of yours.”

“Don’t think threats are going to sway me Chrysalis,” said Shining Armor sternly. “You can’t possibly understand how much I’ve burned for this moment. My nights have been haunted with visions of changelings. My days blurred by your sneering face. Where is she? What is she doing? Will my wife and sister be safe as long as she’s free? And now you’re under my power. You get to see what it’s like to be scared and helpless. And this long nightmare has finally come to—”

The entire north wall disintegrated into splinters as Princesses Celestia and Luna smashed through it. The force of their arrival sent both Shining Armor and Iron Will tumbling into the throngs of changelings, but Queen Chrysalis had chosen just that moment to crouch down and brace herself for the overpowering impact.

“Good morning everypony!” cried Princess Celestia joyously, a sliver of sunlight following her through the massive hole she and her sister had left in the wall. “I hope nopony has been picking on Queen Chrysalis while I was gone!” Her long white horn activated, and Celestia dismissed Queen Chrysalis’s manacles.

Luna, for her part, said nothing; after breaching the wall she had gone directly to Rarity, casting several spells and fussing over the unicorn.

Shining Armor picked himself up immediately and galloped back to Celestia’s side. “I’m so glad you’re here, princess,” he said, ignoring everything he had just seen and heard. “I’ve just successfully taken Queen Chrysalis into custody. I was going to bring her back to Canterlot, and I could certainly use your assistance!”

“No,” said Celestia.

“I managed to get into contact with my guards,” Shining Armor continued. “They’re en route to our location as we speak.”

“I know,” said Princess Celestia. “I noticed them on my way and sent them back.”

Shining Armor took a step back. He looked at the now free Chrysalis for the first time. “Your Majesty,” he whispered. “What’s going on?”

“Luna and I have just finished ratifying a peace treaty between Equestria and the Changeling Hive. It took a long time and Queen Chrysalis told me she had to take care of her people, so I let her go do that. I didn’t realize it would bring her here of all places!”

She studied Queen Chrysalis’s form. “Of course I intended to announce this, but I felt like it could wait. They didn’t hurt you, did they?”

Queen Chrysalis sulked. “They were going to use the Elements of Harmony on me!”

Princess Celestia raised a brow crossly and turned to Twilight Sparkle. “Is this true? Were you girls using the Elements of Harmony without my permission?”

Recovering from the shock of Princess Celestia’s arrival, Twilight looked at the mare she thought she loved. She remembered that little filly cowering and stammering in front of the most powerful being in the kingdom, living in fear of disappointment. And now, even with Celestia’s disapproving eyes, that filly was gone. Twilight couldn’t find her anywhere.

“Princess,” said Twilight Sparkle quietly. “You told us to use the Elements of Harmony on Chrysalis.”

Celestia blinked. “I did?”

“If I remember correctly,” said Twilight pointedly. “Your words were: ‘When Chrysalis pops up again, and it could be any day now, I’d really, really like there to be a great, big, heterosexual beam of magical rainbow power with which to hit her in the face.’ Sound familiar?”

“Hmm.” Celestia finally nodded. “Alright. I suppose given that I did say that, I can see how you might have mistakenly come to the conclusion that I wanted you to use the Elements of Harmony on Queen Chrysalis.”

“Well how else were we supposed to interpret that?!”

“That’s not the point. The point is this is clearly Shining Armor’s fault.”

Shining Armor raised his neck in surprise. “What? Hey! You ordered me to take Queen Chrysalis into captivity the day after the wedding!”

Celestia turned to the guardpony, staring imperiously down at him. “That’s true Shining Armor. And I also rescinded that order tonight. The letter is on your desk.”

“And I never got a chance to read it, since you ponynapped me!”

Celestia sighed wearily and rolled her eyes. “Shining Armor, I’ve been ponynapping you on the first of every month for the last three years. If you haven’t developed a forwarding system for your mail in all this time, then I think your competence needs to be called into question.”

Shining Armor squinted and lowered his gaze. “The first of every month? Let’s see... April... June... no, hold on! You ponynapped me on October 31st too!”

Luna looked up from Rarity. “That was us. You know how much we like to celebrate Nightmare Night.”

“Oh yeah... so I guess... I should have gotten your order.”

Princess Celestia nodded. “You should have. I can forgive you for your lapse this time, though of course I will have to dock your pay.”

Shining Armor sighed and bit his lip. “It doesn’t matter. I wouldn’t have followed your order even if I had gotten it.”

Celestia watched him in silence, letting him continue.

“Princess. I don’t think I could dream up a more difficult pony to work for than you. And now that your sister’s in the mix, it’s only gotten harder. But never once have I regretted my decision to serve you. Until now anyway.”

Shining Armor motioned to Queen Chrysalis. “She tried to kill my wife and sister. She brainwashed me and turned me into a drooling idiot. I realize that you’re doing what you think is best but... I can’t forgive her for that, and I can’t go on working for you.”

Queen Chrysalis huffed. “You’ve got me all wrong, Shining Armor. I wasn’t going to kill either of them.”

Shining Armor frowned. “You weren’t?”

“Of course not! They were two juicy sacks of love waiting for my people to sinks their fangs into, I’m not just going to let that go to waste! And the boost of power I could get from absorbing Cadence’s emotions? Yes please!”

Shining Armor looked away. “Yeah, that uhh... that really doesn’t help at all.”

“Wasn’t supposed to,” said Queen Chrysalis, smirking.

“Shining Armor,” said Princess Celestia with all the weight of her formal bearing. “You may leave my service if you so choose.”

“Thank you, your majesty.”

“Or...” said Princess Celestia, reaching into her mane with twinkling eyes. “You could follow my next order and set up a system to monitor the movements and activities of Queen Chrysalis and every changeling in her power.” She nodded to the wreckage of the recreation center. “We wouldn’t want something like this happening again, would we?”

Shining Armor stepped forward, and the princess gave him a glowing orb and a scroll. He levitated the objects before him and examined them, eyes slowly widening.

“Is this...?”

“The descriptions and magical signatures of every changeling in existence? Yes it is.”

Shining Armor looked over the orb and scroll one last time, before his gaze fell on Queen Chrysalis. The steel in his eyes must have pierced the changeling, because she flinched.

Shining Armor tucked the objects away. “My proposal will be on your desk in three days, your majesty.”

Celestia turned away with a nod. “With that settled, I don’t see any reason why we shouldn’t continue—”

“Excuse me princess?” asked Twilight, raising her head to bring her voice closer to Celestia.

“Yes Twilight?”

Twilight cleared her throat and hesitated. She had questioned the lessons of her teacher many times in the past, but always with the underlying assumption that Celestia would be proven right, and whatever questions she had would only lay the framework of her next lesson. What if the princess was embarrassed by her challenge? How would it change their relationship?

She was standing on a solid wooden floor, but she couldn’t shake the feeling that it might collapse from under her at any moment.

“If Queen Chrysalis is surrendering, shouldn’t she be forced to give up her power? She tried to conquer Canterlot after all.”

Celestia nodded easily. “That was one of our key demands during the opening negotiations, but as we grew to understand the political realities of the changelings, we realized that what we were asking was impossible.”

“Why?”

“It’s very simple,” interjected Queen Chrysalis. “I have to be in charge because I’m the biggest changeling.”

Twilight stammered, eyes twitching with rage at the illogical statement. She opened her mouth, struggling to find words for just the right censure.

Princess Celestia leaned down and smiled widely at Twilight Sparkle. “Was there something you wanted to say, my faithful student?”

Twilight Sparkle looked up at Princess Celestia, the largest pony in Equestria.

“No,” said Twilight, face deflating into a sheepish smile. “That seems like a perfectly fine explanation to me.”

“Good. Now, we’ve all had a pretty exciting night, so I’d like everyone to go to bed and we’ll resume our therapy—”

“There’s more though!” said Twilight. “She snuck into camp and attacked us!”

“That wasn’t an attack! I merely offered a mutually beneficial arrangement, as the treaty I signed fully supports.”

“True,” said Princess Celestia, gaze locking on Chrysalis. “Though I’m sure Queen Chrysalis will refrain from making this offer on these six mares again, as a personal favor to me.”

Chrysalis gulped.

“There’s more to it,” said Twilight, pacing and dragging her hoof once across the ground. “She drugged us and brought us to the recreation center!”

Princess Celestia sighed. “Look Twilight, if I punished ponies every time they drugged you and your friends, it wouldn’t look very good when I did it myself, now would it?”

“Well, what about how she disguised herself as you?”

Princess Celestia raised a brow in response, and turned back to Chrysalis. “Did she now?”

Chrysalis shook her head hastily. “It wasn’t like that Princess! I only took the form your disciple desired, there was no deception involved!”

“That’s not true! You were in her form from the very beginning, before we knew it was you!”

The mood in the air seemed to change as Celestia and Luna’s eyes narrowed.

“Mmm,” said Princess Celestia humorlessly, stalking over to Chrysalis. “That’s really funny to hear. You’re the only changeling powerful enough to take the form of me or my sister, yes?”

“Indeed,” said Luna, patting Rarity on the shoulder and then moving in. “We were quite adamant that the understanding between our people would be null and void were you to ever disguise yourself as royalty.”

Chrysalis cowered, backing up. “My children were nearly dead, I was desperate!”

Celestia and Luna’s eyes met, and the latter nodded. Celestia raised a hoof.

Chrysalis closed her eyes, whimpering. “Please great princess, spare me!”

The hoof came down on flesh, cracking like the roar of thunder. It detonated on Queen Chrysalis’s bony flank, immediately leaving a large welt.

Chrysalis’s eyes flew open. A tear ran down them. “That... hurt...” she gasped.

“I know it did,” Princess Celestia said soothingly, smoothing out the changeling monarch’s stringy hair. “But if it makes you feel any better, I really, really enjoyed that.”

“That doesn’t help,” sulked Queen Chrysalis.

“It wasn’t supposed to,” said Celestia.

“ARE YOU GOING TO ASK US TO KISS IT, OR WILL YOU PERHAPS REMEMBER YOUR QUEENLY DIGNITY?”

“No, that’s alright.” Queen Chrysalis limped away, and her drones immediately rushed to tend to her.

“If she had asked I would have...” said Celestia, before shrugging and turning back to Twilight and her friends. “Bed time then?”

“Actually,” said Twilight as her friends began to gather around her. “There’s something I have to tell you, princess. And everyone really.”

She took a deep breath, feeling her heart flutter. “I just need a few minutes to prepare.”

Princess Celestia tilted her head, but at last nodded. “If you feel it’s important, Twilight Sparkle, then I trust you.” The great white diarch trotted away, Luna following after sparing a glance at Rarity.

Rarity was at Twilight’s side, looking healthy as ever. “Are you sure you want to do this in front of everyone?” she whispered.

“I’m going to do what I should have done when we first came here. I’m going to put an end to this Straight Camp.”

Rarity glanced toward the retreating princess, then back at Twilight. “I meant... you and her...?”

Twilight sighed. “Yeah. I know what you meant.”

VI

Twilight Sparkle had never felt so reluctant to speak in front of so many ponies.

Most of them weren’t ponies of course. Queen Chrysalis had ordered her changelings to transform into ponies for effect, and thus Twilight was treated to more than one-hundred eyes staring at her, judging her, and expecting her to perform.

It hardly mattered. The only pony whose eyes she really saw were Princess Celestia’s.

With the recreation center ruined, Twilight had chosen a gentle incline outside where her audience could gather on the grass. The early sun rose at her back, and her preparations had all been abandoned. Trotting as slowly as she dared, Twilight climbed the hill to stand before the crowd.

Twilight fumbled briefly with her notes before discarding them and clearing her throat.

“I thought I was going to treat you all to a two hour seminar on how magical forces, such as the Elements of Harmony, are blind to the various mental characteristics of their wielders.” She chuckled nervously. “But since most of you aren’t science ponies, I wouldn’t want to bore you. Unless you’d prefer...?”

She let her sentence hang as a question, and received only dead silence in response. Frantically she looked to the princess, who raised a hoof and beckoned for her to continue.

She did.

“Then I thought I could use tonight’s events as evidence to support the theory that the Elements do not in fact rely on any heteronormal quality in their users, given that I know for a fact that many of the ponies who did successfully use it are bisexual or lesbian... such as... m-myself.”

She stopped then, thinking she had said all she needed to say. Bracing herself for an explosion of outrage, yet hoping for any obscure sign of approval she could divine from Celestia, she looked at her mentor again.

Celestia’s face was fully attentive but otherwise blank. Twilight could learn nothing from it.

Eventually she forced herself to make eye contact with others in the crowd. “But that... that wouldn’t do either. Even if I’m not speaking to science ponies, I am still a student of magic. And one of the first things I learned is that an isolated event does not imply a trend. So just recounting what happened on one night wouldn’t do either.”

In the crowd, she found her friends. Rainbow Dash looked bored. Pinkie was losing a race with her own tail. Rarity met her eyes and gave her an encouraging smile.

She saw Applejack, who had lost so much, and Fluttershy, who was so much braver than she.

When Twilight spoke again, she felt no fear.

“The only thing that needs to be said is this: My friends are five of the most special ponies I’ve ever known. Everything I have now, I owe to them, and they’ve never asked for anything in return. I wouldn’t change anything about them. And I won’t let anyone else do it either.”

She held her head up high and took a deep breath to banish the terror that threatened to resurface. “There is no purpose for anypony to be here. You can all go home now.”

The entire forest stilled. Silence dominated the air, except for Pinkie Pie who imitated the sound of a cricket chirping.

Princess Celestia’s hooves clopped against the ground as she climbed Twilight’s hill. Each impact with the earth drowned out the sound of Twilight’s pounding heart.

Twilight stepped back to give the princess room, as she addressed the crowd.

“Twilight is absolutely right,” Celestia said, the hint of a grin appearing on her cheeks. “Whatever was I thinking, ponynapping everyone like that? I suppose I’ve been a very silly princess! Teehee!”

And with that, the crowd burst into laughter, even the changelings, who looked like they didn’t quite understand the joke.

Twilight’s jaw dropped. “H-hey wait!” she said, waving her hooves in front of the crowd. All that earned her was more laughter.

“No, you don’t understand, this is very serious!”

“Twilight...” said Applejack, coming down from her guffaws. “That’s just the thing. None of this is  serious. Now ah would have liked it better if we hadn’t taken three days and nights to get to the punchline, but since it is our princess, ah reckon she can have a little leeway there.”

“Hold it,” said Fancypants, looking up at Iron Will. “What was the point of all this anyway?”

Iron Will folded his arms, looking over the stallions in his group. “It’s very simple,” he explained. “Your princess came to Iron Will with a story about a bunch of stallions surrounded by some very special mares. Having all those girls around made these guys into some great ponies, but she was worried that they never really had any time to hang out, let loose, and do a bunch of guy stuff. And so Iron Will was given an immense pouch filled with bits, and a solemn mission he vowed to complete.”

Soarin raised a brow. “So it was all for money?”

Iron Will’s eyes widened. “No! Well... sort of, but Iron Will really did enjoy hanging out with you guys. Maybe we could get together again sometime?”

“Eeyup,” said Big Macintosh.

“Could probably clear my schedule,” said Shining Armor.

Iron Will let out a sigh of relief. “Good. Iron Will values his heterosexual friends.”

Shining Armor raised a brow.

“You’re alright too Armor.”

Fist and hoof bumped gently together.

“THY TRAIN IS JUST A HIKE AWAY,” said Luna, also stepping up the hill and pointing east with a hoof. “OR FOR THOSE WHO PREFER NOT TO WALK, WE SHALL SUMMON ROYAL CHARIOTS.”

Twilight’s friends began to leave as individuals. Fluttershy crept away from the crowd and was soon lost, while a determined Rainbow Dash left to track her down. Applejack and Rarity were doing everything in their power to avoid looking at each other, and soon only Pinkie was left.

“Aren’t you coming, Twilight?” asked Pinkie when Twilight didn’t follow.

“I’ll catch up with you girls later,” said Twilight hastily.

The changelings reverted to their natural forms and took to the air, except for Queen Chrysalis, who remained grounded and left with Iron Will.

Soon only Twilight and the two princesses remained, along with Spike.

Spike waddled up the hill. “Twilight, am I am homosexual?”

Twilight felt her heart racing as she hesitantly opened her mouth, but Princess Celestia cut in before she could speak.

“Of course not Spike, you are a dragon.”

“Oh. Well yeah, I knew that.” Spike left with a grin on his face, and Twilight breathed out a sigh of relief.

“Sister.”

“Go on Luna,” said Celestia, giving her counterpart a nuzzle. “Go to her. Just remember, if you truly want her, you will need to make sacrifices.”

Luna nodded, and took to the air like a shadow.

Twilight sat down. “It’s just me and you now.”

Celestia sat beside her, and lifted her wing. Twilight had long since become familiar with its downy feel across her back.

After a moment of hesitation, the wing returned untouched to Celestia’s side.

“About what I said... you’re not upset that I went against you, are you?”

“No Twilight, I’m not.”

“And you know... even though it’s simplest just to say I’m a lesbian, I don’t really consider myself one. There’s only one mare I’ve ever had romantic feelings toward. And that is... you. I know that you love me like a student... maybe even a daughter, and I wish I could just feel the same way... but I don’t. There’s just no other pony I’ve felt so much joy just learning with. I want... I want to be with you.”

“Yes Twilight,” said Celestia gently. “I know how you feel.”

“You... you knew?!” Twilight tried to continue but felt as though she couldn’t breathe.

“I don’t understand, Princess,” said Twilight at last. “Why did you put all of us through that? You knew that the reasons you gave for bringing us here were wrong. Somepony who knows as much about magic as you would have to. Was it really all a big joke like Applejack said?”

“The short story is yes. It was all a joke Twilight.”

Twilight nodded shakily. “And the long story?”

“Well to start, I feel the same way. Not for nearly as long as you have, but long enough. But deep down in my heart, I knew I could not be sure if your love was for me, or just for the pony you imagined me to be. I couldn’t pursue you without dispelling that doubt.”

“I have to admit Princess, I’ve never seen that side of you before.”

“You’ve seen the palace Celestia. The Celestia who addresses crowds, and must be brave and wise and pretty. More than that, you’ve been brought up among the palace ponies. There is this belief amongst them, that over the years I’ve simply been forced to allow them to keep. The belief that I am perfect and can make no error. I can accept that belief in my subjects. But not in my lover.”

“Couldn’t you have just... told me that you like to play jokes?”

“Twilight, I tried. I set you aside and I listed for you every activity that I have done in my spare time for the last six months.”

“What? I don’t remember that...”

“You wouldn’t, because as soon I was done you used a memory-erase spell to wipe the meeting from your head.”

Twilight jumped to her feet. “But I don’t even know a memory-erase spell!”

“Well, that incident made me decide you weren’t ready to use memory-erase spells responsibly, so I used a memory-erase spell to remove your memory of me teaching you memory-erase spells.”

“Oh. So you did this just to show me that you’re not perfect?”

“I needed you to do exactly what you did. I needed you to stand up in front of a group of ponies and tell them that I was wrong.”

Twilight looked down. “I’ve been avoiding the most important issue here.”

Celestia bowed her head briefly. “Go on.”

“If this was all about me and you, then why did you bring my friends into it?”

Celestia stared up at the blue sky. “In the end, we know if we did right or wrong by the results of our actions. Your question is my question as well Twilight. I need to see the results.”

Princess Celestia’s horn began to glow, and her power took the form of a glowing screen. Twilight began to make out an image of Fluttershy.

“Shall we watch together, my faithful student?”

*****

“Hey ‘Shy! Wait up!”

Rainbow Dash needn’t have made the request. Plodding along like an earth pony, Fluttershy had no hope of outpacing her fellow pegasus.

Fluttershy stopped walking and turned to Rainbow with a quiet smile.

“Hello Rainbow Dash. Did you want to walk with me?”

“Wanted to talk with you.”

Fluttershy nodded. “I’m glad. I need to talk with you too Rainbow.”

“Yeah well, me first. Turns out I’m straight.”

Fluttershy leaned forward to hear better. “Hmm? Excuse me?”

“I’m straight Fluttershy. I like stallions. Guys. I want to be their girlfriend or whatever.”

Fluttershy burst into tears.

Rainbow’s jaw dropped. The only pony that she would agree to sit through a butterfly migration with was miserable, and the pegasus had no idea how to respond.

“‘Shy!” Rainbow Dash said desperately. “Please don’t cry! It’s not your fault I swear! Someponies are just wired differently, no one can change it!”

Fluttershy tried to respond but could force no coherence through her bawling, and Rainbow Dash finally had no other option but to take her friend in her arms and cuddle her.

Eventually Fluttershy reclaimed her voice. “Oh Rainbow I’m... I’m... I’m not crying... because... of what you... think. I’m just... such a terrible friend... to you...”

Rainbow Dash laid her head on top of Fluttershy’s. “Don’t say that ‘Shy. I’ve never had a better friend than you.”

“You don’t... you don’t... understand.” Fluttershy swallowed and raised her eyes up to stare at Rainbow Dash. “I think a part of me always knew you were straight, but I never said anything. Back in college... the other students... oh Rainbow, they were so horrible to you! They spread all those rumors about the mares you slept with, and came up with whatever wild stories crossed their mind. I... I knew that I was supposed to say something, and stop them. But I never stood up for you. I was just... too shy! I hate myself for being so shy! So I just stood there and listened to them talk... and one day I guess I started believing their stories .”

Rainbow Dash fondled her friend’s mane. A part of her knew how uncool she must look right now, but she didn’t mind. It helped that nopony else could see.

“Shy. Why are you putting all this on yourself? I’m the one they were targeting. I should have stopped them myself. But I believed their stories too! It’s kind of funny when you think about it.”

Fluttershy giggled, but tears anew streamed down her face. “Rainbow... whenever anypony caused a problem for me, you never let them get away with it. Not even once. I just wish that... I could have done that for you once, when you needed me to.”

Rainbow nodded. “I know. But it’s okay that you didn’t. Just being who you are... that’s enough to make me want to be your friend.”

“Really?”

Rainbow untangled herself from Fluttershy and put her hooves on her shoulders. “Of course! I think you’re amazing. And umm... you didn’t let me finish. Sheesh, me being straight wasn’t even the important part!”

“Oh! I’m so sorry, please continue.”

Rainbow Dash closed her eyes and took a deep breath, steeling herself. “When I discovered myself last night, it made me realize something. Fluttershy, I’ve been a terrible marefriend to you. And it’s not because I like guys. It’s because I wasn’t focusing on the important part. I got together with you because I figured I was a lesbian and I should have a girlfriend. But I should have gotten together with you... because I care about you.”

Fluttershy’s eyes bulged open. “Rainbow?”

“I do. Maybe I’ll never understand it, maybe I’ll never know if I can ‘lean that way,’ but Fluttershy... I’m sorry I treated you so badly. For these last two months, I wasn’t even worthy of being called your friend. But... if you can forgive me... and you want to try again... I think it could actually work.”

Fluttershy closed her eyes and, when she opened them again, she was smiling.

“Rainbow Dash, there’s something you need to know.”

“Yeah?”

“I’m asexual.”

“... Are you coming on to me?”

Fluttershy giggled. “No Rainbow. Asexual. One word. Even though I’m attracted to mares and stallions, I don’t want a romantic relationship. I have my animals to take care of, my friends to love, and a gigantic library of pornography in my basement. And that’s all I’ll ever need.”

“Fluttershy... I never...”

“I didn’t mean to hide it from anypony, it just never came up.”

“Then... why did you agree in the first place?”

Fluttershy looked down. “I just thought... that since I would never have a special somepony anyway, it would be worth it to make you happy. It was a terrible decision. Not because it put me in a relationship with you that I didn’t want, but because it made you more miserable than I’ve ever seen you in my life. Don’t make that mistake Rainbow Dash. Don’t try to do something just because you think you need to make me happy. All I’ve ever wanted is for you to be happy. If I can have that, then I promise that I’ll be happy too.”

Unable to stop herself, Rainbow Dash leaned forward and kissed Fluttershy fully on the lips. Fluttershy leaned forward and returned the kiss, with no hesitation, and with just as much chastity as Rainbow had intended.

“I love ya ‘Shy,” Rainbow Dash murmured as she pulled away.

*****

“Ya wanted to talk?”

Applejack sat off the side of the path, giving Rarity her full attention. The breeze picked up strands of her blond that crept out from beneath her hat, blowing across her eyes.

Rarity did not in fact want to talk. At that very moment, she wanted to catch her train and forget that she had ever considered herself worthy of this mare.

“It’s alright Rare,” said Applejack gently. “Whatever you got to say, I’ll listen.”

Sitting on her hindquarters, Rarity couldn’t meet her friends gaze.

“I’m going to Canterlot,” she said at last.

Applejack’s face was a blank. “You usually don’t make that trip for another two weeks.”

“I mean for good, Applejack. I’m going to set up a larger shop to expand my business. I’d like to set up a summer home there for vacations, and leave an apprentice to take over things while I’m in Ponyville for the other three seasons but... it could be a while before I get there.”

Applejack nodded solemnly. “It’ll be hard work.”

“I... I want you there with me.”

“Yeah, I s’pose you do. Can’t do it though.”

Rarity bit her lip. The torment the Element of Magic had torn her through was nothing compared to heartbreak. And even so, she had expected it to be so much worse than it was.

“I... I suppose I knew you were going to say that. I... I can’t believe the way I used to think about you. I wanted to polish you up and wipe the dirt from your face. But that’s Sweet Apple Acre’s dirt. It’s just as much a part of you as anything else.”

Applejack tenderly put a hoof on Rarity’s shoulder. The unicorn went stiff, but when Applejack threatened to take the hoof away, she held it there simply by staring into the other mare’s eyes.

“Rare,” said Applejack quietly. “You got to understand, I’d really, really like to. Mostly because all I’ve done so far is treat you wrong. And I wish I had a chance to start over and treat ya right. But...”

“Your family. They’re more important.”

“No.”

Rarity blinked. “Excuse me?”

“Rarity, you’re family too. Blood’s one thing, but after what we’ve been through together... that’s just as strong.”

“Then why won’t you just... be with me?”

“There is one difference: Granny, ‘Bloom, even Mac. They all need me. You don’t. I know that in Canterlot, or wherever else in Equestria, you’re gonna be just fine. You’re talented, brilliant, determined. And you’re even gonna find that special somepony that’ll put a smile on yer face every day for the rest of your life. Even... even if it isn’t gonna be me.”

Rarity felt her eyes grow wet and blinked. “You could... ask me to stay.”

“What would happen if ya did stay? You’d just end up regretting it. Yer shop in Ponyville’s fine, but it’s not what you want it to be. Yer life isn’t what you want it to be. Would you move in with me and be a farmer?”

Rarity tittered. She couldn’t help herself.

“Exactly,” said Applejack, and it was settled.

“I’ll... I’ll always wonder what might have been.”

“Me too. But what I’ve got right now is more than enough. I got a friend as passionate and driven as I am. And whenever I want to visit her, she’ll just be a train ride away.”

*****

“We have found you Pinkie Pie.”

Pinkie Pie blinked up from her seat at the train station and smiled at the midnight princess. “Were we playing hide and seek?”

“No.”

“Because if we were, you’ve got to count to one-hundred and give me warning! And Twilight says I have to hide within the bounds of space-time, otherwise it’s cheating. I don’t see why they don’t just look for me there, since they know where I’m going to be hiding. But the point is, I can’t play right now, I’m waiting for my friends.”

“May I wait with you, Pinkie?”

“Sure!” Pinkie gestured to a perfectly reasonable spot on the bench much smaller than the princess. For whatever reason, Luna chose the floor of the boarding ramp instead.

“I think I’ve got things squared away with almost everypony,” said Pinkie softly. “But I never got a chance to apologize to Applejack.”

“Apologize for what?”

“I thought relationships were just a game. But they’re important, Princess Luna. I think they’re almost important as friendships. And the scary thing is, there’s a bunch of rules you’ve got to follow, and no one tells you what they are!”

“That... that is a very apt summary, actually.”

“I upset her because I broke the rules. I haven’t really figured out what the problem is yet. I just know... I’ve got a lot of learning to do.”

“Pinkie... there’s something I must tell you.”

Pinkie looked up at her, serious and attentive. Luna swallowed as their eyes met.

“You have wonderful friends, Pinkie Pie. They will help you through this. I know it.”

Pinkie felt herself grinning. “You know what, I think you’re right!”

Luna nodded. “Good. I am... glad we had this talk.”

“And I’ve got you too, Lunie!”

Princess Luna gasped. “L-lunie?!”

“Sure! I’ve hardly seen you at all since you ponied up and stopped being that Black Snootie! But we’ve finally got a chance to get to know each other and be friends! Do you want to come to my birthday party? And Gummy’s birthday party? And Gummy’s after-birthday party? And do you want to stand in Fluttershy’s cottage with the lights out on her birthday, and when she comes home late at night shout ‘surprise’ in your loudest voice? And then afterwards, if she winds up in the emergency room for some reason, we can all go visit her and take pictures around her while she’s sleeping! I’ve always wanted to throw a surprise party for her!”

Luna took a deep breath. “We will put in certain appearances when our schedule allows.”

“Great! We’re going to have so much fun, just wait!”

Pinkie had begun bouncing before she even realized it. Dimly she became aware of Luna looking past her.

“Applejack has arrived. You wished to speak with her, yes?”

Spinning around, Pinkie saw that Applejack had indeed climbed atop the platform. With a blur of speed she interposed herself before the farmer and screeched to a halt.

Applejack smiled wanly, looking distracted. “Heya Pinkie. Gonna be ridin’ back with me?”

“Yeah! But I needed to catch you alone first.”

“For what?”

“About last night..”

Applejack took a deep breath and nodded. “Yeah. So much went on that it seems like ages ago. Hey Pinkie...”

“I’m sorry! I’m really sorry! I thought I could just be everyponies marefriend and it would be fun but I was wrong and it hurt your feelings and I don’t know how to make it better but—”

“Stop right there, Pinkie.”

Pinkie stopped.

Applejack chuckled. “I was just about to apologize to you, you know? The fact is that feelin’s were running high and the way I reacted was just way too overblown. Maybe some other pony would have deserved a tellin’ out for that, but you? You’re wild and free and I never know what to expect from you. And I value that. When I’m pushin’ through the same repetitive chores yet again, sometimes yer the only thing that can really brighten up my day. And you did make the wrong call this time, but every other time you’ve been wacky and spontaneous, the only thing that’s resulted from it is fun. I don’t want you to even think about changin’.”

“That’s great!” Pinkie cried, scooping Applejack up and squeezing her as hard as she could. “Because I wasn’t thinking about changing either! After all I don’t have that kind of power, since I’m not a changeling. But maybe I’ll ask the princess about it next time she recharges me, because it sounds like it could be fun.”

Applejack squirmed out of Pinkie’s iron embrace and gently pushed her away, wheezing. “Easy there cowgirl,” she said hoarsely. “I do need to breathe. Now what was that about the... ya know what, forget it. I was just thinkin’ we haven’t had any quality time together for a while. Now, given that we all missed out on sleep last night, except for that period where we were all unconscious, why don’t you come over to my place for a midday sleepover. When you wake up, there’ll be a home cooked meal waitin’ for ya.”

“Wow!” said Pinkie, so excited she didn’t even think she wanted to sleep. “That’d be great!”

“C...can I come too? I mean... only if you have room for another guest.”

Pinkie turned to the sound of Fluttershy’s voice, and saw the pegasus right behind her. The earth pony immediately dove in to nuzzle her friend’s nose.

“Sure, why not?” said Applejack, throwing her forearms around both Pinkie and Fluttershy. “These are gonna be the best years of our lives girls. It’s time to start livin’ them.”

“You betcha!” cried Pinkie. “Hey, can Luna sleep over too?”

But when she looked around the platform for the princess, Luna was gone.

“—And we’ll put my face on the posters and billboards,” said Iron Will as he stepped up the platform.

Queen Chrysalis followed him, listening raptly. “Shouldn’t we use pictures of changelings for advertisements?” she asked.

Iron Will looked Chrysalis over and shook his head firmly. “Trust me,” he said tapping his cheek. “This face? Sells products.”

“I can see why,” breathed Chrysalis, coiling her lithe form around the minotaur.

Iron Will stepped back. “Listen,” he said with a frown. “I didn’t want to offend you, but I do want to keep our relationship professional. I like guys after all.”

Chrysalis blinked. “You like guys, huh?”

“Well yeah.”

The changeling smiled. “Then you’re going to love me.”

Iron Will raised a brow, but now looked more intrigued than reluctant, and when Chrysalis nuzzled up against him, he wrapped a burly arm across her back.

*****

“You know...” said Twilight as the viewing came to a halt. “I had some pretty strong hints that everything wasn’t alright over the last couple days. But I’m just so shocked... at how bad it was... but even more, how long it went on without me even noticing.”

Celestia met Twilight’s eyes with a wry smile. “Perhaps you were distracted by a certain white-coated royal?”

Twilight ducked her head. “So you really did know all along.”

“And maybe now you see what I intended with all of this? Twilight, the Elements were fracturing. I had to act.”

“I see that now but... Princess. Setting up this elaborate scenario and then just... making fun of it. Was that really the best way to help us through our relationship issues?”

“Of course it wasn’t, Twilight Sparkle,” said Celestia, looking away with a timidity that Twilight had never before seen. “It was just the funniest way.”

“What?!”

“It all started when I was speaking with my little sister about how to bring you around. We quickly decided we would need something patently ridiculous to catch your attention. We amused each other, thinking of the strangest and most humorous things imaginable, and then... well I took the most ridiculous idea we had, and—”

“Straight Camp?”

“No Twilight. It still wasn’t ridiculous enough. I took that idea, and used my powerful princess magic to make it even more ridiculous! The spell erased the original idea from my head, leaving something so absurd that it would have taken a group of foolish and dim-witted ape-people to even begin to think it was serious!”

“Wow...”

“Come to think of it, I’m probably being too hard on hypothetical, barely-sentient ape creatures. Surely even they wouldn’t have thought this a sound idea.”

Twilight stood up, feeling her muscles tense. She stared at the princess straight in the eye. “And yet you went ahead with it.”

Celestia wouldn’t meet her gaze. “Twilight... I think I did realize that I would be going too far. But... it didn’t really matter. The truth about me is, when I’m pranking ponies, I’m never able to restrain myself. I’ve learned many things in my thousands of years, but never, ever, have I learned when to quit.”

“And this time, my friends got caught in the crossfire!” growled Twilight, stalking around her mentor.

Celestia pawed glumly at the ground. “Yes Twilight, I suppose they did.”

“You call my friends fags, you abduct them from their homes and jobs, you spend days taunting them with absurd nonsense, and now here you stand, confessing your love to me like none of that happened!”

“Twilight, I—”

“I’m not done yet!” cried Twilight. “I haven’t even gotten to the worst part.” She stalked up to Celestia, her snout inches away. “Do you know what the worst part is?” she spat.

Celestia closed her eyes as tears formed on the lenses. “I suppose I’m about to find out,” she said quietly.

“I am SO bucking attracted to you right now.”

In Twilight’s mind, she seized Princess Celestia with unrestrained passion and locked their lips together.

In reality, she tried this. She really honestly tried. But as their faces grew closer and closer, she couldn’t stop from thinking that this was the princess that she was about to kiss, and she hadn’t even asked permission, and as one, her brain froze as her body locked up.

Celestia stared expectantly at her.

“I’m umm... gonna... k-kiss you now, isthatokay?” Staring at the ground, Twilight felt her face turn to flame.

A hoof lifted her chin until her eyes were once more level with Celestia’s. Her mentor’s eyes were still misty but her smile was kinder than it had ever been.

Their lips met. She tried to bring back the anger she felt, but Princess Celestia’s passion was like a tidal wave. The force resisting her assault carved away her wrath, leaving a gentle nuzzle as blissful as the evening tide.

Twilight pulled away, her eyes misting as she stared up at the pony she loved. “It’s true then,” she breathed. “You really do feel the same way.”

Celestia smiled gently. “Was there ever any doubt?”

“I... I never really thought I’d be so lucky. Princess... I mean... Celestia. I really am angry about what you did but... I can forgive you. Everything turned out alright, didn’t it?” Twilight chuckled. “And if I’m being honest it was... actually pretty funny.”

Celestia’s smile widened. “You think so?”

Twilight narrowed her eyes. “Yes. Never do it again.”

“Deal.”

“I see now that I don’t know you as well as I thought I did but... that just makes me want to be closer to you. I want to be with you. I want to understand you better.” Twilight’s enthusiasm flowed over. “I want to know everything about you, Princess!”

Celestia laughed and unfurled her wing to pull Twilight in. “Oh Twilight. No, you really don’t.”

“Almost everything?” asked Twilight hopefully.

“We’ll see.”

“How about I start with just one question. When did you first decide that you loved me?”

Celestia tilted her head. “You don’t know, Twilight Sparkle? Long ago, I lost something more precious to me than anything the world. And then my student, without being asked, without requesting anything in return, and without even any real hope of success, returned it to me. When Luna returned to my side, what else could I do but fall in love with you?”

*****

“You don’t really have to escort me all the way to Ponyville your majesty,” said Rarity, as she sat atop the cloud drifiting lazily toward their destination. “I would have been fine on the train.”

High above the earth, they could still see the fading moon and stars amidst the early morning sunrise.

Luna’s cloud-walking spell held her unicorn companion aloft.

“Your condition is still delicate, fair Rarity. I would continue to monitor you, for a little while at least. Besides, I will not have you forget our pact.”

“Of course. We’ve both done it, correct?”

“Shall I go first?” asked Luna to Rarity.

“I think I’d like to,” said Rarity after she had time to think.

Luna waited and gave her friend her full attention.

“She said... IT’S NOT YOU IT’S ME!”

Luna draped a wing around her and gave her the chance to calm down.

“So that line is still in use,” said Luna softly. “I’m sorry things didn’t go as you had hoped.”

Awkwardly, Luna prepared to remove her wing from Rarity, but at that moment the unicorn rested her head against Luna’s shoulder, stopping her.

“What about you?” murmured Rarity. “Surely proposing to Pinkie was as easy as... pie.”

“It would have been, I think,” admitted Luna. “But I have abandoned my quest. She understands so little, and yet strives for so much. To burden her with my foalish crush... would not be fair.”

“Are you certain?”

“Yes. I think I only saw in her what I wanted to. I should know better.”

“I should know better too! I just keep thinking about that conversation with you yesterday... and how stupid I must have sounded during it. What did I say? Take somepony who is kind and strong, and polish away the rough edges? All I did was try to turn her into something she wasn’t.”

Luna leaned in to Rarity’s ear. “Don’t call yourself stupid.”

“Oh... okay.”

“I think perhaps pressure clouded my judgement, fair Rarity. The Hearts and Hooves Day Royal Dance in Canterlot is coming up in a month, and big sister has been very insistent that I arrive with escort.”

“Surely finding one wouldn’t be difficult for you.”

“Oh no, that would be trivial. But... Rarity.” Luna pulled away and turned to face the smaller pony. “Surely one of your beauty understands that even when you always have numerous options, you may still lack the one you want.”

Rarity inclined her head. “Of course.”

“With that in mind, I would request your presence by my side for the dance.”

Rarity’s eyes widened. “Oh your majesty, I absolutely love such events! But... I wouldn’t want to give anypony the wrong idea about us.”

Luna felt her face flushing and looked away. “No. I would rather hope instead they were given the right one.”

Luna felt a hoof over her own.

“So... you felt that too,” whispered Rarity.

“Was there ever any doubt? Rarity, after seeing your drive and selflessness... I think it made me fall in love.”

“Me? Luna, the way you stood by my side even though you didn’t agree with me, the way you kept me awake, kept me from breaking I... how did you...”

“I had an incredible pony to motivate me.”

“If you want me to say I’m over her... that I’m not still in pain... I can’t. But my decision’s been made. I want to move on. And I think I can find a story where I get a happy ending. I’ll do it. I’ll accompany you, Luna.”

Luna nodded solemnly and then cleared her throat. “THEN ALLOW US TO OFFICIALLY DECLARE OUR ROMANTIC INTEREST IN YOU. WE WILL SEND A MISSIVE TO YOUR PARENTS SEEKING THEIR APPROVAL, AND HENCEFORTH WE SHALL NOT APPEAR IN PUBLIC TOGETHER WITHOUT MUTUALLY AGREED UPON ESCORTS TO ENSURE OUR RESPECTIVE PURITIES.”

The Royal Canterlot Voice nearly knocked Rarity off the edge of the cloud. She scrambled to regain her purchase and flashed Luna a sheepish smile.

“The sentiment is sweet, darling, but just a tad archaic perhaps?”

Rarity sat directly before Luna, looking up expectantly.

“Of course, you went over this with me.” Luna ran a hoof nervously through her mane. “Will you be my special somepony?”

Rarity closed her eyes, smiling. “I will. But I had something else in mind.”

It occurred to Luna that Rarity’s face was close to hers. If Luna hadn’t been so much taller, they’d only be inches away.

“Ahh, that. A popular display of affection, even one-thousand years ago. But a risky one as well. If one were to kiss a mare in view of others, then the risk of dishonoring her would be great.”

“There’s no one here princess. My honor is in your hooves.”

Luna leaned down so that their eyes were level. “I will never dishonor you,” she promised firmly.

Their lips met. Luna could feel the pain behind them, and feared she had acted too hastily and without giving the object of her affection a chance to heal. But just as she started to pull away, a forearm wrapped around her neck and pulled her closer. Her doubts washed away. Luna reminded herself of the strength she had already witnessed. Her little Rarity was a fighter, and if this was a mistake, it was one Luna would gladly make again.

Eventually however, Rarity did pull away, face flushed and eyes dilated. “Princess Luna? You did... take off... your...”

“OH NO!”

Rarity’s eyes rolled back and she collapsed, foaming at the mouth. Luna stared down at the unicorn’s prone form in stunned silence.

“Big sister... she told us we would have to... to make sacrifices...” breathed Luna in disbelief.

“BUT WE NEVER IMAGINED SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT YOU, POISON LIPSTICK!”

Luna’s eyes moistened as she levitated Rarity’s antidote out of her mane. “Farewell old friend,” she lamented as she wiped her lips free of the taint. “We had a good run of it together.”

*****

Rainbow Dash squinted as she heard a cry of lament from a cloud not far in the distance, but then shrugged and turned back to Soarin.

“So anyway, that’s the story of how I found out I was straight. Pretty weird, huh?”

Soarin barked out a nervous laugh. “Weird? Dash that was... that was amazing. I can’t believe you went through all that while I was playing paintball and burping.”

“Ehh... I took down the Mare in the Moon once. In comparison, this whole thing was kinda lame.”

“Nothing fazes you, does it. So are you and Fluttershy going to be okay?”

“Definitely! ‘Shy’s amazing. I think sometimes the most important pony in your life isn’t your sister or your parents or even your husband. It’s your friend. And you’re nothing but lucky that it ended up that way. But... there’s still the thing about me and you.”

“Yeah. I uhh... I might have gotten carried away back there...”

“Nah, it was me that was pushing it. I just... don’t want you to get the wrong idea. I’ve already proven how terrible a girlfriend I make. There’s not much point revisiting it. Plus, I’ve got my training to occupy me. And I’ve got five amazing friends that are way too emotionally dependent. They're gonna need me, definitely.”

“Uh-huh. I kinda figured, but listen, maybe when we’re in the area we could hang out or—”

“That’s not really what I was getting at. Look Soarin, there’s a part of my life that I’ve never really addressed, and here... with you... I feel like I’ve got a chance to reclaim it.”

“You mean...”

Dash felt herself blushing as she nodded.

“Ah, man.” Soarin ran a hoof through his mane. “You’ve got to understand, I’m just not that kind of stallion. Just because I’m famous doesn’t mean I go around having flings with mares.”

“Yeah... I figured you—”

Soarin shrugged. “But what the heck. You’re one amazing lady, Rainbow Dash. For you I’ll make an exception.”

He trotted toward her and leaned in. “You mentioned you’ve never done this before, so do you want me to go easy or...”

Rainbow Dash’s eyes narrowed. “Soarin. You don’t know me at all.” She stared him down with all the steel her eyes could muster. “I’m going to rock you. Like a hurricane.”

*****

A hurricane of a size never before seen by anypony threatened to consume Ponyville.

“Are you zoomed in?” asked Breaking News to her camerapony as the destructive maelstrom approached. Rain fell from the sky and hammered against their coats.

The videographer nodded.

“Good,” said Breaking News. “Count me off.”

Breaking News cleared her throat, and began when the signal was given.

“This is intrepid reporter Breaking News, on the scene and bringing you the latest updates on the storm in Ponyville.” She had to raise her voice over the howl of the gale. “As you can see, the mysterious and sudden storm has not changed course as the pegasi hoped, and will collide with Ponyville in less than an hour. The death toll is certain to be catostrophic, as there has been no time to evacuate. And whatever survivors remain will find themselves homeless and impoverished. For you viewers, I will remain, covering every moment of this tragic and harrowing event.”

Turning to look back at the hurricane, Breaking News saw two bedraggled ponies approaching the town. As soon as she recognized their faces, the newspony gestured for the camera to zoom in on them.

“We have here two soaking ponies that are no doubt evaluating the threat. I see here Soarin of the Wonderbolts, and the Element of Loyalty herself, Rainbow Dash. Your intrepid reporter will now interview them.”

Breaking News jogged up to the pair, waving a hoof in the pouring rain. “Excuse me! Soarin and Rainbow Dash? May I have a moment of your time?”

They both ignored her, huddled together and giggling uncontrollably.

“Buck Dash... when you said that, I didn’t think you’d really create a hurricane... how is that even possible?”

Rainbow snickered. “I’m the Dash. When I say I’ll do something, I’ll do it.”

“Excuse me!” Breaking News tried again. “Would either of you care to comment on the hurricane about to destroy Ponyville?”

“Huh?” said Soarin, staring in disbelief at Breaking News.

Dash looked over her shoulder. “Uhh... it’s still here.”

Soarin glanced at Dash, jaw dropping. “What?”

“Look! It didn’t dissipate like it was supposed to!”

Soarin turned around, saw the hurricane, and stumbled away from it in surprise.

“I don’t believe it! It got bigger!”

“We’ve got to take care of this Soarin.”

“Yeah, I know I know, I’ve just gotta... dammit! Without the rest of the team?! I just don’t know what I can do.”

Rainbow Dash rolled her shoulders. “You’ve got me Soarin. We started it, we can finish it.”

Soarin took a deep breath and nodded. “It’s gonna be rough Dash with just the two of us, but you’re right. We’ve got to try. Dash... it’s entirely likely that neither of us will come out of this alive. If I don’t get a chance to later, I just want to let you know that...”

“Wait, false alarm! It's fading.”

Breaking News also looked to where Rainbow Dash was indicating. The hurricane, abruptly losing its strength, suddenly collapsed in a gush, spilling water harmlessly onto the plain it had been rampaging over.

Soarin dropped to all four knees. “Oh thank Celestia. I didn’t want to die in my own sex hurricane.”

Rainbow Dash pulled him up. “Stop being such a wuss, I would have protected you. Hey, now that that’s all over with, I’m gonna go get coffee and some fags, you want to come?”

Soarin tilted his head. “Fags? Princess Celestia banished all those from Equestria about ten years ago.”

Rainbow snorted. “No, I mean fags! As in bundles of sticks! All this rain’s makin’ me cold, I’m gonna start a fire.”

“Oh, I see what you’re saying! Why didn’t you say anything earlier, when we passed about a dozen lightning clouds? I could have grabbed one for you.”

“Because,” said Rainbow Dash confidently. “We don’t need lightning to start a fire.”

“That’s... that’s just crazy talk!”

“Oh man, you’re gonna get blown away by what I’ve got to show you.”

“Hold on please!” said Breaking News firmly.

Rainbow Dash glanced back at the reporter. “Did you want coffee too?”

“No thank you, I’m fine. What I want is for you to explain your comments that seemingly indicated you and Soarin are the perpetrators of this attack on Equestria.”

“An attack? Well I wouldn’t say attack, it was more like...”

Soarin tugged at Rainbow Dash’s shoulder and leaned into her ear, “Dash! What do we do? If word of this spreads, my career’s finished! I didn’t mean anypony harm!”

“It’s cool,” hissed Dash. “Just shut up, I got this.”

“You were saying?” prompted Breaking News.

“Err... yeah well...” Rainbow Dash’s eyes wandered around frantically. “Funny story.... you see...”

“I’m all ears.”

“Uh-huh... cool... err...” suddenly Rainbow Dash’s eyes landed on something behind Breaking News and relief washed over her guilty face.

“Derpy did it,” she insisted, pointing behind Breaking News.

“Huh?” The reporter turned to look over her shoulder at a blond pegasus trotting blissfully down one of Ponyville’s streets.

“All her fault! Anyway, gotta go, thanks for interviewing us!” Rainbow Dash seized Soarin and practically carried him as she scurried off.

Breaking News returned her focus to the camera. “That explanation was rather suspect. As your intrepid reporter, I now go to investigate the accused and bring the truth of this matter to light!”

The pegasus stopped when Breaking News confronted her. Her eyes were misaligned, yet she yet she bore a wide smile, full of naive optimism. “Hello.”

“Greetings,” said Breaking News curiously. “You are Derpy, correct?”

“Yep, that’s right!”

“Sources indicate that you were the perpetrator of the terrible storm that nearly destroyed Ponyville. Do you have any comment?”

“Oh right, that...” Derpy looked to where the storm had been, blinking in confusion. “Well...”

“Yes?”

“I just don’t know what went wrong!”

Grinning, Derpy reached into her saddlebag and produced a muffin. “Would you like one?” she asked Breaking News.

The reporter shook her head and backed up, indicating for her crewpony to zoom the camera in on Derpy’s cheerful visage.

“She shows not a hint of remorse for her actions,” Breaking News told her audience. “What you see before you, is a mare worse than Bitler!”

*****

“I’ve got something to confess,” Twilight Sparkle said as she and Celestia rose from the hill.

“Of course.” Celestia kept walking, but turned her attention from the path ahead to watch Twilight.

“I umm... I always wanted... to save myself for you...”

Celestia began to look uncomfortable. “Okay.”

“But... I always  thought... I’d never have you anyway...”

Celestia stopped and gently pressed her mouth against the top of Twilight Sparkle’s head. “Twilight...”

Twilight jerked away before she could fully feel the pressure of Celestia’s lips.

“I slept with Queen Chrysalis!”

Celestia sighed and shook her head. “Twilight, I think everypony has had sex with Queen Chrysalis.”

She stepped away and raised a hoof. “Someponies have sex with Queen Chrysalis when they take the last cookie for themselves, even though they know very well some other pony was looking forward to it.”

She held her head up, lips pursed in deep thought. “And for other ponies, having sex with Queen Chrysalis is cheating on your taxes, even though your business is doing well and you don’t need to.”

The princess turned back to Twilight. “Even I’ve had sex with Queen Chrysalis. It was two nights ago. Negotiations were stalling, everypony had had too much to drink, she was giving me bedroom eyes, and well... one thing led to another! Teehee!”

When Celestia leaned forward to kiss Twilight’s brow again, the unicorn allowed it.

“The truth is, it’s not about who you have sex with. It’s about who you love.”

“You’re... your right princess!” Twilight got a goofy grin on her face and orbited a few times around her mentor. “Oh wow, you’re teaching me about relationships! It’s exactly how I imagined!”

Just as soon as she started, Twilight stopped bouncing and looked at the ground. “Umm... I did kind of err... want an... exclusive relationship though.”

Celestia laughed and leaned in, touching their noses. “Oh Twilight, of course we can—”

Suddenly Celestia pulled away with a pensive frown, looking over Twilight. “Er... I mean... Twilight, would you consider flank slapping to be a breach of exclusivity?”

Twilight tilted her head. “Huh? Err... how long a session are we talking about?”

Celestia shook her head. “We’re not talking about sessions. We’re talking about just walking along, minding our own business, and then...” With blinding speed, Princess Celestia’s hoof swung around and left its stinging kiss on Twilight’s rear.

Twilight yelped.

“Made you squeal!” cried Celestia. “Teehee!”

“P-princess! I... umm... to answer your question... I guess maybe I ought to be bothered by that... but I’m not.”

Celestia pressed her nose against Twilight’s delicately. “Oh Twilight, of course we can have an exclusive relationship.” The princess batted her lashes and then abruptly spun away. “Thank you for being understanding about this. The problem is that it’s in my contract with the maid’s guild. They’ll go on strike if I don’t smack them on the rear every so often.”

“They... make you do that?”

Celestia nodded solemnly. “It isn’t easy to be the first and second sexiest mare alive. But it is fun!”

“Ehh... speaking of... those activities...”

“Mm-hmm.”

“Well, I’ve certainly thought about it a lot... and now I can finally get your opinion! Should  we do it on the royal bedchamber amidst rose petals, or beneath a freezing waterfall?”

“Twilight?”

“Or maybe even on the moon? We could consult Princess Luna if you don’t know enough about the moon, and even if you do, I’m sure she’d have some insight to offer. I mean... I’m sure we’ll do it on the moon sooner or later, I’m just not sure if it’s where we should—”

Twilight stopped as she felt Princess Celestia’s hoof on her lip.

“Twilight. I hate to disappoint you, but I’m not going to one-night you.”

“You’re... you’re not?”

“I’m not.”

“But... you did it with Chrysalis and...”

“I hate screwed her because I was bored Twilight. You I’m in love with. Which is why I want to let it happen naturally, and above all, make sure I don’t hurt you. Does that sound okay?”

“Yes of course I...” Twilight breathed out a sigh. “Yes. That’s better than okay, princess.”

“Good. But Twilight... while we’re on the subject, there’s always been this fantasy I’ve had about what our first date would be like. If you’ll hear me out...”

Princess Celestia leaned in and whispered something in Twilight’s ear.

The unicorn’s jaw dropped.

*****

“This is intrepid reporter Breaking News, bringing you the latest update on the... Crisis In Canterlot!” As Breaking News spoke, she postured and pointed at spots in the air, knowing that during editing they would make flaming words appear for dramatization.

“We have almost no information on the disaster currently unfolding, so I go now live to the scene, to see what I can discover.”

A squad of guards rushed past Breaking News and barged into the throne room. Nopony was paying any attention, so she slipped in afterwards.

The audience chamber was a disaster area. Guards and government officials scrambled back and forth, hastily consulting with each other, and in some cases, running around in circles.

A hole had been blown into the wall. Floating in the center of the breech was Twilight Sparkle, wearing a lacy black suit and monocle.

Charging in from the side room, Princess Celestia confronted her student.

“Twilight Sparkle! What is the meaning of all this?”

“I’ve merely come to claim what belongs to me!” cried Twilight Sparkle. “You! Enjoy your princess, little ponies, for she will be your last! From this day forth she will be mine... FOREVER!”

“Twilight, stop this nonsense immeeek!” Celestia failed to finish her sentence when Twilight surrounded her with a purple glow and lifted her off her feet.

Shining Armor and a squadron of guards burst into the room. “Princess, I got here as soon as you... Twilight?! What do you think you’re doing?”

“Payback! She sends me on a quest to defeat her sister without telling me! She gives me two tickets to the Gala even though she knew darn well I needed seven! I’ve had enough! Now she’s going to Pony Joe’s with me... FOR AS LONG AS I WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH HER!”

“What’s next Twilight,” gasped Celestia. “The world?”

“OF COURSE!”

Shining Armor shook his head and approached his sister. “Princess, please don’t be too hard on my sister for this. She’s not really a bad pony she just gets... obsessive from time to time.”

Grunting with effort, Shining Armor cancelled Twilight’s telekinesis with a burst of his own. She fell to the ground, reeling, and Shining Armor was on her in an instant, gripping her in a headlock.

“Got her! Now Princess, why don’t I just take her back to my—”

Princess Celestia’s horn glowed as she blasted Shining Armor with a beam of pure white magic, sending him flying against the wall.

“Whoops!” cried Celestia. “Looks like she’s too strong for you!”

Shining Armor picked himself up, groaning. “That... THAT WAS YOU!”

“The princess’s student is too powerful!” cried a pegasus recruit. “We can’t beat her!” He rushed toward the breach in the wall and flung himself through it, where he almost certainly wouldn’t fall to his death.

“That’s right!” screamed Twilight as she lifted Celestia again. “I’m INVINCIBLE!”

Breaking News spoke hastily into the camera. “The royal guard is clearly losing the battle against Celestia’s wayward student, if this keeps up, we can surely expect—”

“WE WILL SAVE YOU, SISTER!”

Luna’s voice was so powerful that the sonic force alone knocked the door off its hinges, clearing a path for the midnight diarch to burst into the room.

“Princess Luna!” cried Shining Armor in relief. “You can put a stop to this! Please don’t be too hard on my sister, it’s pretty obvious who put her up to—”

“NEIGH! WE SHALL REND HER SOUL FROM HER BODY AND SEND HER LIFELESS HUSK TO THE MOON!”

“Another princess to add to my collection,” shrieked Twilight in glee. “Lieutenant Rarity, deal with the threat! Capture her and she’s yours!”

“Cooooomiiing,” said a high-pitched voice, and through the breech came a white unicorn sporting butterfly wings and an elaborately lacy gothic dress.

“YOU DARE STAND IN OUR WAY?” cried Luna, her words blasting several guards off their feet.

“Err... yes,” said Rarity. She began casting a spell and then shot what looked like a foal’s prestidigitation at Princess Luna’s chest.

Luna stared at Rarity for several seconds, not reacting visibly in any way. Then she flung herself on her back and flailed her legs about in the air. “DREADFUL! WE ARE DEFEATED MOST EASILY!”

Shining Armor’s jaw dropped. “Princess Luna? N-no!” C’mon, get back up!”

“EEK! WE ARE DEFENSELESS!”

Shining Armor snorted in fury. “I’ve seen you atomize star systems with your magic!”

“Yes Shining Armor. It is true that physically she is no match for us. Nonetheless, she has overpowered us with her charm and feminine grace!”

“I have that effect on ponies,” said Rarity sympathetically, patting Shining Armor on the shoulder as she trotted past him. “Now that you’re under my power princess, will you take me to Pony Joe’s as well?”

“We... we have no choice... we must obey.”

“Splendid!”

Shining Armor buried his face in his hooves.

“Oh the Equinity!” cried Breaking News, addressing thousands of viewers. “Both of our Princesses are defeated, along with the entire Royal Guard! There is no longer any hope for Equestria whatsoever!”

“Shining Armor...” gasped Princess Celestia weakly. “Before we are cruelly wrested away from our ponies forever... there is one last thing... we must say...”

Shining Armor stared at Celestia with a look of utter apathy. “What,” he seethed.

“I am afraid that I must dock your pay.”

“We are forced to dock your pay as well, Shining Armor,” said Princess Luna as she set Rarity on her back, “for your failure to protect us in our hour of need. THE DOCKING HAS BEEN DOUBLED.”

“Yeah, whatever,” said Shining Armor through gritted teeth. “I’ll just be here, figuring out how to clean up the mess you made of the palace. Again. Enjoy your dates...”

And with that the princesses were gone, each carrying a unicorn on their backs.

Only then did Shining Armor notice Breaking News.

“Oh for the love of... is that tabloid rat back again?! Get her out of here right now!”

“This is the network you first heard it on,” cried Breaking News, struggling to remain in the view of her camera as two burly guardsponies seized her. “It hardly needs to be said after what you just saw! Equestria is doomed!”