Confessions of an Immortal Time Lord

Confessions of an Immortal Time Lord

***

I am a jerk.

No, really. I am the worst pony... Time Lord... being I've ever met. And I have met many. I have seen things. Unpleasant, terrifying, mind-breaking, soul-shattering things.

I have seen whole civilizations break apart. I stood and watched them fall.

I have seen parents kill their own children only to save them from impending torture. I stood and watched  them do it.

I have seen so many apocalypses that I have long lost count. I stood and watched worlds end.

I have seen the darkest sides of people, and ponies, and other species. I stood and watched them unleash those sides to their full potential.

I have seen countless sacrifices which I knew would turn out to be useless. I never interrupted them.

I have witnessed the darkest things that the universe had to offer. I never interrupted the flow of things.

There were times when I couldn't help.

There were times when I could.

There were times whe my actions could change things for the better.

All I ever did was to stand in the shade of my blue box and watch.

I watched and watched and watched like a goddamn contemplator.

All those times I actually did something? Drops of water in the ocean of darkness. Drops of dirty, corrupted water.

I hid my pain behind sarcasm and fake silliness. With a smile, I soldiered on to countless adventures, only to satisfy my curiosity. I joked through tears and went away.

Sometimes I think if leaving everything behind is my special talent. Maybe it is my destiny?

When I felt that the pillars supporting everything I held dear were starting to crumble, I walked away. I never watched them fall.

When I saw despair and heard cries for help, my help, I just pretended to have missed them... and I walked away.

I walked away because I am a coward. As long as I can remember, I have always been afraid. I put on a brave face and saved a few people, only to lie to myself that I was a hero. That I was useful. That I had a purpose. A purpose, which, in reality, I never had.

Most of all, I was afraid of dying. I still am.

I am not sure whether I am dead or alive right now... I mean, it's dark, and I can't see anything... or feel anything. But I still can communicate with you, right?

I had begun to write all of this... just to confess. I lied.

There is a danger that is approaching Equestria.

I couldn't have stopped it even if I wanted to.

Nopony can.

I am a hyppocrite. I am confessing all of this not to gain your approval, or forgiveness... I do not deserve forgiveness.

You know, they say that Time Lords can reincarnate only a given number of times? I don't know of a Time Lord who has ever lived all of their lives. Most Time Lods simply refuse to reincarnate in the end. My friend, my only true friend, Master, had refused to live on.

Now I can see why.

Guilt.

Bone-shattering, mind-squeezing, soul-corrupting, overwhelming guilt.

We could have done better. We could all have done better.

I could have done better.

I... I have used all of my lives, it seems.

I am afraid.

I am still afraid more than you can imagine.

I am not brave.

I am not noble.

I am not generous.

I am not kind.

I am not loyal.

I am not honest.

My laughter is a mask to hide my fears.

And by no means am I magical.

I am a species that have been geanted immense power.

A foal playing with a nuclear bomb.

A blind pony with a loaded rifle.

Most of the good I've seen has come from ponies surrounding me.

Rarity has been generous in my stead.

Fluttershy has been kind in my stead.

Rainbow Dash has been loyal in my stead.

Applejack has been honest in my stead.

Pinkie has laughed for me.

Twilight has been... my friend. Of all the things I regret, the heaviest burden is denying her the opportunity to travel with me. She has done a lot good to me. I never fully repaid her.

I am sorry.

I am sorry for everything I has done. But much more so I am sorry for everything I have not done. For everything I could have done.

I have spent my lives living for the pleasure of mine and my companions.

I could have done better.

But I didn't.

You already know why I am bringing this up. Yes, I have nothing more to share. Well, I have, but I won't. Some of my stories aren't crucial; the others are too hard to bear, even for me.

You know how hard it is to put words to paper?

...Although I'm not sure that I am writing anything right now.

Maybe, just maybe, I am going insane. Maybe I have been insane all the time.

I will finish my last confessions soon. And... well, that will be all.

I guess that sharing my guilt makes it easier for me to bear myself. Or at least I keep telling myself so.

I will finish my confessions. I will seal my fate. And then I will stand on the brink of the darkened abyss. Maybe, just maybe I will finally have the courage to take a step. A real step. A step that will matter.

And then...

...Allons-y?

***

Author's note.

This is the shortest, yet the most emotional interlude I've written. You heard the Doctor. The story will be over soon. The two incomplete story arcs will be finished, the early chapters will be edited... and then I'll have to say farewell to the Time Pony I have grown so attached to.

If you are still with me, thank you. Thank you for reading. Thank you for your comments. I hope I dished out a nice story. Finishing it will be just as much a pleasure as starting it, and as writing it.

Peace.