Confessions of an Immortal Time Lord

Order of Chaos

***

Good day. This is the Doctor. I mean, the Doctor from the present. I mean, from the future. I mean, from the future relative to the events descried before. (I think that makes sense...)

Guess what? Here's another interlude for you! I know you love them! Or you probably don't.

One way or another, you'll have to read further. This time, I won't be tiring you with especially long and tangled philosophical matters.

This is just a story of how I met it. How I met him.

The absolute ruler of the Universe. Chaos.

Discord.

***

He appeared out of nowhere, like he had always done. I would find out about it later; now, I was walking through Canterlot Gardens, back to the present, mentally contemplating what I had done. It had been merely a day since I had left Luna on the Moon - or, so it seemed to me. In reality, and not without help of my TARDIS, it had been over a thousand years.

Luna was back. She was happy. Celestia was happy. They embraced me and let me in, they gave me shelter and comfort, forgiving me for whatever I had done.

Then why did I feel sadness beneath? Why were my eyes teary and why was there a lump in my throat, which prevented me from gulping?

I looked around, admiring the sculptures of the past. There were mares and stallions, colts and fillies, dragons and griffins. Perfect work of perfect sculptors of the past. There was one statue, however, that drew my attention. I approached it and stared at it for a while.

Discord.

I had heard stories about him. About it. The God of Chaos - master of entropy, king of randomness... The ruler of the greatest force in the Universe. The ruler of chaos.

I gulped, for I was afraid even to meet his statue face to face, not to mention he could probably still see me throw his stone prison. Or feel me, which would be even worse.

But I was so broken, so shattered.

"I did a bad thing," I said suddenly, addressing the statue. My words were simple and they sounded like the words of a colt who was apologising before his mother. But my sin was simple as well - not only had I left Luna alone for a millennium, but I had also wiped clean all memories that could make her imprisonment at least slightly more bearable, if not better.

Discord didn't answer. The statue was silent. But my brain was working for two now. It was as if I were possessed by a spirit, only by my iwn device and by my own will.

Your will? And how do you know what you want? the voice wondered. It felt strange: it was as if somepony... someone else was speaking, but still I knew it was me.

"I..." I looked at the statue and sighed. "I don't know any more," I said aloud.

Does it really matter?

"Huh?" My ears perked up and I eyed the statue cautiously. "What do you mean - does it matter? I let down a friend, and a close one."

Yes, you did. But my point is - does it matter?

"I..." I stammered, not knowing what to say. "I think it does... I... I did something bad. Something irreversible. Something that brought sadness and pain." I thought my reasoning was solid.

Sure, in the sense that you ponies understand sadness and pain... the voice (all right, now I know it was Discord; I just didn't know how he had got into my head) whispered, elaborating. But you are a Time Lord. You know that if you hadn't done this in this Universe, you would have done it in another universe. And vice versa.

I gulped and nodded in understanding. Sure, for every action taken there is an action untaken; and the other way round.

"But... I feel bad about it..." I said with a sigh, confessing my feelings to the stone statue.

Do you really feel bad? Or you think that you feel bad?

I pondered for a moment. "I... feel bad," I concluded. "I blame myself for it."

How can you be sure of it? Maybe you think that you feel bad but in reality, objectively... Discord stopped for a second to put emphasis on what he was going to say next, ...you may feel happy? Or angry? How can you know?

Now I really felt angry. "Because I feel it, that's how! And I know!"

Oh, really? You think you know the objective? See, you think you know the objective. But in reality, you may either know it or not. Or both. And maybe somewhere... you really know it. Or you think you do. Or both. Or neither.

"Stop it!" I grabbed my head with my hooves.

Oh, why should I? I almost felt Discord laughing inside my head. I can tell much more about reality!

"You're talking about reality?" I replied, looking at the statue grimly. "How can you know that you know reality?"

Now the voice really laughed. I know that I know! Or I don't. Or both. Or I think that I know. Or I'm just telling you all of this to play with your mind. Or mine. Or all of this. Or none. Discord laughed again. Not that I care. Or I do. Who knows?

I groaned in mental pain. A headache was slowly approaching me. "Then all of it doesn't matter?" I asked.

I don't know. Or maybe I do, Or maybe I just don't know that I do. Maybe all of it matters. Maybe not. Maybe both.

I rose to my hooves. "But if I deicide that it matters?" I wondered.

And how can you know if you've decided? Maybe it just seems to you that you've decided? Maybe the objective works in such a way in this Universe that you simply haven't decided on anything? Or even haven't thought that you decided, or thought about thinking and so on? Or it works differently. Chaos, you know? he chuckled.

I felt determination burning inside me. "In this case, may it be right or wrong, real or not, existent or non-existent..." I looked up, trying to read Discord's eyes. "I'll still be helping ponies. And people. And everyone who needs my help."

I clenched my teeth. "Because I am a Time Lord. And even though you are right, I will find my meaning in all of this. And, to begin with, I will go to Luna and give her a big, honest hug. Right now."

There was silence in my head for a while.

I see. Well, do as you may. Just remember that nothing really matters.

I sighed, despite my determination.

"I know." I shook my head. "I know better. I'm a Time Lord, after all. Somehow, everything happens and nothing happens. At the same time."

I gulped and pondered for a moment.

"I know that if I don't do something, I still do. And if I do something, I don't. While in some universes, I'm proud that I've done something in this very universe, I'm ashamed of the same thing in others. While here it's different for me to comprehend... or it seems so..." I thought about it a bit. "...or I think that it seems so - or some other crazy thing - it may be easy somewhere else."

I turned my back on the statue.

"But you know what? I do what I think is right." I looked at the God of chaos. "If that is what I think."

I began trotting away, feeling as bad I had felt some time ago.

Time Lord? I felt the voice in my head ask again, very quietly, for I was increasing the distance between the statue and myself.

I stopped for a second.

If you want to talk, you can always come to me.

I nodded silently.

Somehow, I had just developed the meaning of my life. No, not found it but developed it myself.

I will live to live.

Help to help.

Do to do.

"I will," I said and, with that, trotted towards the castle. I still had a hug to give.

***

Author's note.

Never in my life would I have thought that I could sum up the chapter in one word.

And that word is

Mind-fuckery.

Peace.