Confessions of an Immortal Time Lord

When the Time Lords Broke Free (Part 1)

***

Have I ever told you how much I love randomness? Randomness is the key to success. The Universe works in most chaotic ways, so do I. So do all Time Lords. Which reminds me...

I love randomness to a certain extent. When you wake up in an unknown time and space, on an unknown planet, without being sure what physical form you've taken recently, that's one kind of randomness. When you open your eyes and see yourself on the edge of the roof of a fifteen-storey building, that's another kind of randomness, the one I do not love.

Unfortunately, that morning was the one of those mornings when I woke up exactly on the roof of a fifteen-storey building, on the very edge. As a courageous pony who always takes pride in his bravery, I did what any manly stallion would do in such a situation.

I screamed on the top of my lungs in an extremely high-pitched tone, which instantly reminded me of the infamous Cutie Mark Crusaders Opera Singers (YAY!). I felt my hooves (Wow, I'm still a pony! Cool! Ponies are cool!) pointlessly try to grab at the slick surface of the steel roof. I was inevitably sliding down and the only thing that could save me right now was-

"Hang on!" a voice appeared from nowhere, its owner grabbing me by the hoof as I fell down. losing my grasp on the edge.

When I opened my eyes, which I'd squinted in fear (Yes, we Time Lords do fear things occasionally), I saw a very familiar pony standing above me, looking into my eyes.

I looked around, only to see that I was lying on the floor of a big flying thing that seemed to me like a huge airship made of finest sailcloth and copper.

How does that thing even fly? I wondered, looking over the vehicle. Several steam motors were struggling to work properly, the digits on the manometers going off-scale.

"Pinkie? Do you care to explain?" I shouted as I looked at the familiar pink pony, whom I'd met the very day before in Ponyville. "And what's with the strange disguise? Another party in planning?" I wondered as I looked over Pinkie. She was wearing a really bizarre top hat and a peculiar brown garment, which was elaborately decorated and looked quite expensive.

"Beg your pardon?" she asked with a frown. "Do you not like my outfit?" She seemed genuinely offended. "And, by the way, my name is Pinkamena. Miss Pinkamena, if you may," she concluded disapprovingly.

I immediately realised that my wonderful TARDIS had taken me to a different parallel universe. Not that it didn't happen every few weeks or so... Let's just say I wasn't surprised in the slightest. So I proceeded with the only question that would make sense in such a situation:

"Where in Equestria am I?"

"Equestria?" Pinkie asked, tilting her head. "Just who are you, falling from the sky like that and asking about the country that ceased to exist long ago?"

Ceased... to exist?...

It seemed that I was indeed in a parallel universe, and Pinkie surely wasn't Pinkie, and neither were her friends (who also happened to be my friends), and they didn't know me at all, and Equestria was no more...

In such situations, I usually boarded my TARDIS and travelled back to sweet Ponyville where I could relax in the familiar atmosphere with the ponies I knew (and which knew me)... until some crazy stuff happened, that is.

I'm getting old, aren't I?..

*Sigh*

Anyway, I would've acted in the exact same way, if it weren't for one thing. One little thing that could be left unnoticed if it weren't so important.

I didn't know even the slightest location of my TARDIS.

And I was in a strange metal airship above a strange place with a strange pony (who apparently was an alternate-universe Pinkie Pie) staring at me as if I had just offended her clothes...

Oh, wait, I totally did.

"The Doctor. Do call me Doctor," I replied, getting up and shaking Pinkie's hoof. "As for now... Where am I?"

Pinkie humphed and shook her head.

"I've enough doctors round here..." she grunted. Then, her frown turned into a grin - not into the brand Pinkie grin, beaming and happy, but into an evil, sinister grin of a maniac blessed with money and power.

"Take a look..." she said, opening the heavy brass jalousie.

I looked out of the illuminator.

"...at my patrimony, so to speak..." she continued.

An enormous city appeared before my eyes. Tall skyscrapers spread themselves all around the place. Steam vehicles, both the flying ones and those resembling cars and trains, moved to and fro in the hectic pace of life. Most of the ponies I was able to see from this height were dressed as ridiculously as Pinkie, just maybe not in such expensive garments. Steam was covering almost all of the sky and the ground, coming out of all devices and vehicles that could be seen.

"The Smile Empire!" Pinkie finally exclaimed.

"The Smile... Empire?" I weakly repeated, gazing at the steam-covered metropolis.

Now that was definitely interesting. My fatigue vanished in an instant. Pinkie Pie, the Emperor? I mean, the Empress. However... if it's Pinkie Pie we're talking about, she can be an Emperor too...

"Yes, my Empire," the pink earth pony confirmed with a proud smile.

I looked at her regal face and shook my head.

"Pinkie... You were so much better as a professional party-thrower..." I grunted.

"What are you even talking about?" she replied with a disdainful frown. "Besides... I still expect you to pay back for my saving your life. I prefer bits, if it is bits you have."

I raised my brow and huffed.

"Isn't life-saving something ponies do for free?" I wondered curiously. "For getting the respect of the society and a feeling of achievement and stuff?"

"Not in this world, Doctor," Pinkie said with a smile.

She was so right. Not in this world. Or, better to say, not in this parallel universe.

"Well, you see, I'm quite short of money, heh..." I said quietly, scratching the back of my head with an uneasy smile. If I ever had some experience, it told me that such situations always change for the worse.

And damned I be if they did not.

"Oh, that's fine! Rarity would love to have another slave at her factory!" Pinkie cooed cheerfully, waving her hoof in the air.

"Another... what?" I asked and staggered back, estimating whether I would die completely or only partially if I fell from such a height. "Is slavery even legal around here?"

"Well, so long as I am the one making laws here..." Pinkie pondered for a moment. "But we tend to call slaves 'wage labourers’ now. So you'll be a wage labourer for Rarity!" she concluded.

"Oh, that's great..." I mumbled, backing to the door of the airship. "I'd love to..." I reached the bronze knob with a hoof and turned it.

"Later!" I shouted, jumping out of the flying vehicle, into the unknown.

***

For a moment, I thought I would die. No, really. Falling from such a height was more than enough to make a good, well-baked Time-Lord-flavoured cake.

I chuckled in mid-air. For those who're immortal dying is pretty fun, actually. It's like closing your eyes and waking up in another dimension. Or something. I don't know for sure - ask Master, he'd told me.

"Hey! Watch where you're going!"

I felt a pair of hooves grab me and hold tight. A bit too tight to my liking, I'd say. Nevertheless, those wonderful hooves carried me towards the solid ground. As soon as my hooves touched the ground, I fell on my knees and kissed it in a very strange fashion.

Brass?

I felt brass on my lips as I kissed the ground, and that made me jerk up and look around. The ground was made of bronze.

The cyan pegasus that had saved me looked at me suspiciously, her gaze asking me, What the hay are you doing?

I proceeded to hug the mare.

"Rainbow Dash! I'm so happy you saved me!" I exclaimed, feeling her rainbow-coloured mane tickle my nose.

The cyan pony backed off at once, sending a cold glare towards me.

"Who are you? Where do you know my real name from?" she hissed angrily. "One of Pinkie's agents, huh?" she said a little louder.

"Oh, so they do call her Pinkie!" i exclaimed in a victorious tone. It's always great to know you were right, isn't it?

"Who. Are. You." the mare hissed as she took three firm steps towards me, emphasising each word, never breaking the gaze.

"The name's Doctor, a Time Lord by occupation," I replied, trying to enchant Rainbow Dash with my brand Charming And Disabling Time Lord's Smile [TM]. To no avail, as usual. I'd thought that maybe - just maybe, since we were in a parallel universe and all - she would react to it. Unfortunately, she was still fully lesbian. Either that or my tricks didn't work in this universe. Or on mares. Or anypony.

Now that I think about it, they never worked...

"And what kind of occupation is that?" She smirked, still on guard.

"Well, not to brag, but I travel through Time and Space and save universes... That kind of stuff, you know?" I said nonchalantly.

"Oh, really?" Rainbow asked with a grin. "You expect me to believe that?"

I maintained a non-amused expression.

"Of course not, Rainbow Dash, the fastest flyer in all of Equestria, the only pegasus who's ever performed a Sonic Rainboom... Twice," I said, trying to hit the sweet spot.

The cyan mare shrugged.

Damn it, wrong universe... No sonic rainbooms here or whatsoever...

I sighed.

"Also, you're gay."

Rainbow Dash gasped.

"How'd you know?"

I smiled.

Bulls-eye.

***

Next on the Confessions!

~~~

"But what makes you so special?"

"I am the last pegasus left in this world."

~~~

"I slept with her to gain information, nothing more!"

"But you enjoyed it?"

"One more word and I'm gonna kick you in the face."

"Got it. ...Oh, wait, it's two words already."