Hey there, Bobby; how are you this fine evening?

How am I? You nearly choked me to death! I had to put on icepack on my neck all night!

At least that's better than where you usually put it.

Ha ha, very funny.

Was that sarcasm? Or are you just happy to see me?

I'm never happy to see you.

Aw, someone's in a bad mood. Maybe a smile would make you feel better?

Whoa, whoa, whoa! No need to break out the Joker Gas! I'm really happy to see you!

But you don't seem happy. And that smile is clearly only shown out of fear.

Well, happiness is like peeing in you pants - everyone can see it, but only you can feel its warmth.

And they say my metaphors suck.

Then what are you writing down?

Um... nothing! Just a story (and not that pure gold you just told me).

What type of story, Mr. J?

A ship fic between Rainbow ass and Butterfly ass.

Wait, you're writing a romance?

Just because I'm a crazy clown criminal doesn't mean I don't enjoy writing about the finer things in life.

And those finer things are a romance story between two ponies from a show made for six year old girls?

Says the guy who sleeps with a Rainbow Dash doll.

That is a lie!

I have pictures.

Dammit! How many times have I told you not to take photos of me when I'm asleep?

Twenty seven times, but who's counting? Now here's a picture of you cuddling up with little ol' Dashie. And here's one of you sucking your thumb. And here's one of you-

MESSAGE HAS BEEN CUT OFF

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!" Twilight yelled, zipping down the empty hallways of the palace. Her hooves worked like an engine, pushing her faster and faster as she navigated the large palace in search for the only help in a situation like this. And that help just happened to be her big brother.

Turning around a corner, she finally spotted her exhausted looking brother talking to a couple of pegasus guards. "Shiiiiiiining!" she screamed, tackling him to the ground.

"The hell, Twilight! What happened?" he hollered, trying in vain to haul her off of his body.

"The Joker! He escaped!" she cried, her eyes scanning the hallways in anxious worry.

"That's impossible! I just sent a new batch of guards to watch over the dungeon. There's no way he could have-"

"Captain!" called a young unicorn guard, panting continuously. "I just got *huff* word that *huff* the Joker escaped!"

Shining pushed his frantic sister off himself and grabbed the guard by his shoulders. "What do you mean he escaped?"

The guard finally got his breath back and said, "The guards you sent to refresh the others discovered the previous guards unconscious in one of the dungeon cells. The Joker's own cell was unoccupied."

Shining shoved the guard out of the way and screamed obscenities of such vulgar quality that both the guards in the room and his own sister blushed. Turning back to the pegasus guards he was speaking to earlier, he said, "I want the entire palace on lockdown! I don't want so much as a fly out of here until that freak is back in his cell!"

"But Shining, the Joker isn't in the palace," interrupted Twilight, who was scratching her neck vigorously.

"What do you mean he isn't in the bloody palace?"

Twilight levitated the scroll that was on her bed to Shining, who snatched with his own magic and began to read it with furrowed brows. "Bloody hell," Shining whispered, crumbling up the scroll. After taking a moment to breathe deeply, he spoke, "Okay, this is bad. Really bad."

The calmness in his voice was unsettling, like the gray clouds before a storm. "What I want to happen right now is every available guard off his ass and on a flying chariot to Ponyville immediately," he said to the remaining guard ponies.

The pegasi just stared blankly at their leader, confused considerably by the turn of events. "What are you idiots waiting for?" Shining barked. "A freaking invitation? Get moving!"

They nervously saluted and left, fearful of their short tempered Captain. Twilight hesitantly approached her brother, who had a fiery determination in his eyes. "Shining, are you okay?" she asked, scratching now at her mane.

Shining shook his head. "No Twilight, I'm not. I've been going eighteen hours now without rest, and I had to deal with the Joker's mess. Now he escapes and is doing who knows what. Damn, it's just too much sometimes."

Twilight wrapped her hoof around her brother and gave him a loving hug. "I know Shining. We just need to stay strong."

"Thanks Twily," Shining said, returning the hug to his sister. After a couple of seconds, Shining asked, "Twilight, why do you keep on scratching yourself?"

"Oh, the Joker poured itching powder on my bed."

Shining slowly removed Twilight's hooves from his neck and discreetly scooted down several feet from his sister without making eye contact. An awkward silence hung uncomfortably over them.

It was at that moment a rather loud noise could be heard from outside the palace. "What the hell?" Shining blurted out, running to the nearest window overlooking Canterlot. Smoke started billowing in the sky as fires blazed near the edge of the city. The heart of the smoke suddenly lit up, a great ball of blight flames streaking in the air as the booming sound of an explosion followed suit. Shining's mouth hung open is shock, along with Twilight and several guard ponies scattered throughout the palace.

"W-what is going on?" Twilight asked, not expecting an answer.

"Captain! Captain Armor!" a voice shouted down the hall. The voice was revealed as an earth pony guard, who sprinted to the flabbergasted Shining. "Captain Armor, who have an emergency on our hooves!"

Shining shook his head to clear his overworked mind. "Yeah, I guessed that from the fire," Shining said sarcastically. Usually he wasn't this stingy with his fellow guards, but lack of sleep and constant concern over Celestia's condition has left him bitter. "How did it start?"

"We're not sure, sir. Reports said an explosion may have set it off."

"The Joker. Damn, I should've guessed. This must be a distraction so we won't go to Ponyville."

"But Shining, you have to go! Who knows what the Joker has already done?" Twilight desperately pleaded with her brother.

"Don't worry Twily," Shining said, rubbing his sister's head, before jerking his hoof back when he remembered the itching powder covering Twilight's mane. "I still have plenty of troops to spare to deal with that maniac."

"Um, sir, we still have a small problem," intervened the nervous guard.

Arching an eyebrow questionably, Shining asked the guard, "And that would be?"

"It's just that the building currently on fire right now is... the fireworks factory," replied the guard.

An ear splitting explosion followed immediately after the guard's words, the aftershocks from the blast shaking the very foundation of the palace itself. An inferno of multiple sparkling colors now rested in the center of the blaze, with brightly colored fireballs soaring in the air, scattering across the city. It seemed that the fire would not stop, and already it was consuming the shops and houses nearby.

All in all, it was a pretty good distraction.

"Oh, what a marvelous evening!" chortled the Joker, as he strolled down a shadow-ridden alley. "Smoke in the air, fires brightening the night sky, and the screams of the innocent. Why, it reminds me of home!"

The Joker was walking at a brisk pace, his destination still unknown to himself. He did know for certain that he was going to Ponyville, that charming little town those ponies always blabbered on about. Reaching it, however, was still a mystery.

His escape from the palace was easy enough. All he did was sneak through the odd assortment of statues in the royal gardens. Once he was clear of those weird stone statues, he made a beeline for the closest side road leading out of the palace. It was strange really, a place once bustling with party goers only hours ago was now resembling a deserted ghost town more than a palace.

Luckily for him, the palace grounds was abandoned of any stray passerby or guard patrols. Looked like the destruction from his short rampage through Canterlot has everypony busy, cowering in fear, or otherwise occupied. A perfect time as any for a not-so-grand escape.

The moment he passed the unguarded gates that separated the palace from Canterlot, he slinked in the familiar environment of an abandoned alley way. His time in Gotham has perfected his art of traveling in the shadows, the elegant buildings providing plenty of cover to sneak around in.

The Joker soon made his way to the edge of the city, taking care to avoid the decimated block of charred buildings he created only hours before. "Those pesky ponies are still buzzing around," he said to himself, noticing yet another pegasus patrol flying overhead. "I need a new change in scenery. But how to get there?"

His answer was soon revealed around the alleyway corner, where the distant call of a train whistle announced the location of a train station. Leading out to the city was the Canterlot Train Station, where locomotives would transport all manner of supplies and even ponies to the capital city. And it just happened to be the perfect getaway vehicle.

"Wait a second," the Joker said to himself, right before running hellbent to the nearest locomotive. "I can't have those party pooper guards ruining all my fun before it begins. What I need is a distraction."

He pondered, while humming to himself. His eyes traveled along the row of warehouses along the border of the city. What caught his eye put a devilishly demented grin on his white face. "Perfect," he whispered to himself, taking in the large sign proclaiming 'Canterlot Fireworks.'

Walking over to the warehouse, he opened it with a well placed kick. The door revealed only darkness, with a slight chemical odor coming from within. Reaching into one of his oversized pockets, he pulled out a bundle of dynamite with a kitchen timer attached to it. "Let's see, I need enough time to get everything set up before Sprinkles and her friends get there," he said, rotating the timer. "Ah, there we go. About six hours is all I need to get the party in full swing."

He chucked the dynamite far into the darkness of the warehouse, then he closed it as he made his way back to the train about to depart. "What a shame I won't be able to see the firework show now. But I'm sure they'll enjoy it," he said, laughing madly as he climbed aboard the last cart just as the train took off.

With the wind running through his dark green hair, his laughter picked up two fold. "Get ready Ponyville! The Joker's coming to town! And I'm going tear it apart! Muhahahahahahahahahaha!"

"I want everypony putting that fire out now!" shouted Shining, as countless guard ponies poured out of the palace. "Pegasi in the clouds and start some rainstorms! The remaining earth and unicorn guards are to evacuate all the citizens in the area! Move, move, move!"

"Shining, what about Ponyville?" Twilight asked.

"Twilight, I don't have time for that!" he yelled, just as another explosion caused the palace to tremble. "If I don't get that fire out, then all of Canterlot will burn to the ground!"

Tears appeared in Twilight's eyes, but Shining took no notice. Just then the booming voice of the Princess of the Night could be heard. "WHAT IS THE MEANING OF ALL THIS NOISE?"

"The Joker escaped, he started a fire, and now Canterlot is in danger of going up in flames," Shining calmly replied.

"W-what?" Luna asked, her voice dropping down to her normal tone. "Why hasn't anyone done anything?"

"That's what I'm trying to do. Half the guards are too exhausted or injured from the last fire, and now we have this one to deal with," Just as his sentence ended the fire erupted again, a great ball of colorful flames flying through the air and landing on a tall tower in the city. "Where are those pegasi?" Shining hollered at the departing guards.

"Captain, I may be of service," Luna said.

"Out of the question, Princess. You already depleted most of your magic healing your sister and extinguishing the last fire."

"That wasn't a question, Captain," Luna spoke, an icy edge in her words.

"And here's the answer for you! Celestia's out of commission, so if you can't bring up the sun in a couple of hours, then we'll be worse off than we are now!" It was only now that Shining realized that he just back talked the Princess. Luna's eyes bulged out and her mouth was agape. She was about to chew off Shining's head when she realized that he was right. With no sun the citizens of Equestria might panic, creating more chaos then any fire can cause.

"Very well, Captain. I shall rest up for the approaching dawn." She left, not before glaring at Shining on her way out. The Captain of the Royal Guards gulped, knowing that he was definitely going to pay later.

Quiet sobs brought his attention to his sister. Turning to several milling pegasi who were preparing a thundercloud assault on the inferno, he said, "Cloudspinner, Fleethoof, I want you two to prepare a chariot, on the double. You're to go to Ponyville when Twilight is ready," Both guards saluted and took off.

Going back to his sister, he nudged her off her rump with his nose, not caring about getting itching powder on himself. "Come on, Twily, don't want to keep Ponyville waiting."

The tears stopped flowing from Twilight's face and hope beamed in her eyes. "You got it Shining! I'll get the girls and we'll stop the Joker!"

Twilight got on her hooves and galloped off, not before Shining shouted to her, "I'll send reinforcements as soon as possible! Be careful!" Shining was extremely uncomfortable sending his sister to take care of that dangerous maniac, but the two guards he sent with her were all he could afford to lend. He had to hope that her previous battles with Nightmare Moon, Discord, and Chrysalis would be enough to prepare her. But a sickening feeling in the pit of his stomach wouldn't be put to rest.

"Well, that was painful," remarked the Joker, after leaping off a running train and tumbling in dirt and grass for a couple of seconds. Brushing off any remaining dust and grass bits from his already tattered suit, he took in the sight of the long awaited town of Ponyville on the small hill he was on just outside the village.

The town wasn't very large, only housing a couple dozen dwellings and buildings. The houses were simple timber frame structures, with old timely thatched roofs. The buildings were of similar form, except many had actual roofs not made out of hay. It seemed that the only building with more than three stories was the town hall, although he could spot a house that appeared to be made out of clouds hanging high in the sky. All in all, it was the typical quant little country town often times featured on postcards.

"This is it?" he asked himself, scratching his head. "This little run down, third world, medieval rip off shit hole is where those nitwits live? Talk about no taste."

"Even the air is awful! Not a scent of gasoline or cat piss! Do these people have any sense of smell?" the Joker said to himself. "And where's the smog in the air? The sun's not even up and I can still see the stars!"

Horrible settings aside, he still had a job to do. To pull off the biggest party ever, he had to prepare. Giving one more disgusted glance at the stupidly cozy village, he made his way to the dirt path leading to the town. He jumped off the train near the outskirts of town when he realized that the train wasn't pulling in near Ponyville. A minor setback, but he figured he had ample time to deploy his diabolical plan.

As he took his time strolling down the hill observing the late night sky above him, a sign caught his eye. On closer inspection it was a wooden direction sign, pointing to Ponyville in the distance. It was inscribed in brightly painted letters.

Welcome to Ponyville: The Happiest Town In Equestria

Population: 1,000 Residents

"Oh, this will never do," the Joker said, retrieving a piece of red chalk from his pocket. He scrawled on it for a couple of seconds, and after deeming it appropriate smiled wickedly. Turning back to the small town, he withdrew a ginormous hammer from his coat and began to twirl it between his fingers. "You know what Ponyville, I think we're going to have a smashing time! Bahahahahahahahhaha!"

Welcome to PonyIdiotville: The HappStupidiest Town in Equestriadumb

Population: 1,000 0 Residents Alive

Who said evil can't be immature?