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Just Joking

by RainbowBob

Chapter 6: Chapter 6: Breaking Out With A Plan

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You slimy weasel!

Actually, I'm a sponge.

Hey, I'm the only one who makes jokes around here! And this one isn't funny!

What is it now?

Just when things were going my way, you shove me in the slammer! And by a frickin' pony!

Princess Luna is technically an alicorn.

I don't care if she's the fucking tooth fairy! No two bit colorful horse can ever beat the Joker!

Well, people seem to like the story so far. Over two thousand views and one hundred likes.

You've got to be kidding me. Hey, idiots reading this story! What's wrong with you guys? Are your lives really so boring that you read shitty fanfiction just to pass the time?

Joker, these people are your fans. I'm pretty sure the only reason they're reading this is because of you.

Oh, in that case read this story or else I'll stab you in your throat!

Can't you go five minutes without stabbing someone?

Of course I can! Four minutes ago I beat this homeless guy to death with his own dismembered limbs!

That's not what I meant-

And now I'm shoving this puppy down an orphan's throat!

You have a problem.

In that case, let me use math to solve it! Time to go pummel my first grade teacher with this algebra book!

Why do I even bother with you anymore?

Because you love me!

Please stop hugging me.

Shh, shh. Don't speak.

I *cough* can't breathe...

So now you can't talk! Problem solved!


Five minutes. That was how long it took the Joker to break out of his cuffs and cell. Not his most impressive time, but okay none the less. Compared to Arkham the dungeon was a walk in the park.

After picking the locks of his cuffs with a lockpick he keeps hidden in his sleeve (a very useful item in the path of crime), he easily got out of his cell by simply spray some acid on the rusty locks. Out of his cell, he still had the job of getting out of the dungeon.

Climbing merrily up the steps two at a time, he stopped and listened intently behind the thick oak doors.

"Can you believe that Joker chump, thinking he could take on the Princesses?" said a rather loud mouthed guard.

"Yeah, but didn't he poison Celestia or somethin'?" asked a clearly empty skulled one.

A hard smack could be heard. "Shut up you nitwit! If the other guards heard you say that, we'd be in trouble! The Princess is fine and that's all we need to know."

The dumb guard grumbled, but soon settled into the monotonous schedule of guard duty.

"Ha, duty," the Joker silently whispered, a perverted smile playing on his face.

Bringing his sharp loafer back, he kicked the doors squarely in the middle. The doors bucked open from the force of the hit, the two guard ponies stumbling backwards to avid the swinging oak entranceway. Suddenly both the guards felt a constricting grip around their necks, and were lifted in the air. The psychotically grinning Joker laughed madly at their pathetic attempts to dislodge his hands.

"While I appreciate the wonderful job you two dolts are doing, your assistance is no longer required. Why don't you take a break?" The Joker brought both of hands together in a clap, the guards' helmets crashing into each other into a loud ring like a bell. Both guards slumped down to the ground, unconscious with huge bruises they'd definitely feel in the morning.

The Joker heaved their unconscious bodies over his shoulder, having had a long amount of practice in this field. Descending the dungeon steps yet again, he threw both of their bodies in the nearest cell he could find. However, he noticed how displaced they were on the floor.

"Oh, this will never do. Gotta make sure you two are comfortable," he kicked one of the guards on his back and hauled the other one on top the other. Now both guards' faces were touching each other, their lips locked together in sleep and their bodies placed in... inappropriate positions. That's right folks, immaturity has a name, and it's name is the Joker.

Stifling a giggle, the Joker departed the dungeon and sneaked across the halls of the palace, avoiding guard patrols and servants. Luckily for the Joker, the guards were busy with the job of cleaning up his rampage through the city and the servants were occupied with the influx of terrified royals. It was truly the perfect time for a getaway.

Having stayed in the palace for a couple of days, the Joker had mapped out its entire layout inside his mind. You know, for situations such as this. But an escape would have to wait. The Joker had some more important things to deal with. Such as spying!

Finally arriving at the infirmary that was holding the paralyzed Celestia, the Joker snuck up to the door and opened it slightly to peek at the occupants of the room.

Celestia was sleeping on the bed, her terror stricken eyes finally closed and her mad grin relaxed. A heart monitor beeped continuously, while several other machines showed several other functions in her body. Princess Luna swayed on her hooves next to her sister, sweat lathering her fur and her horn glowing dimly. Twilight Sparkle and her brother Shining stood off to the side, both looking tired beyond belief.

"Princess, you have to rest. Celestia wouldn't want you exhausted like this," Twilight told Luna.

Luna shook her head tiredly. "I cannot, Twilight; my sister depends on me."

Shining took that moment to interrupt. "But Equestria depends on you Princess. We are in a time of great calamity right now; the citizens of Equestria need you!"

"You are right, Captain," Luna said. "Equestria needs a leader right now, and I shall take that responsibility. I need to know of any reports that have happened since the mishap at the Gala."

"Right away Princess!" Shining unrolled a scroll. "So far no deaths have been reported, although several injuries from citizens on the streets and third degree burns from pegasi guards have been noted. Fire damage on an entire block of Canterlot has been put out, and all ponies were evacuated from the area."

"Also on that point," Twilight cut in. "All party goers of the Gala have vacated the ballroom and none of the gas has leaked. Unicorn guards have constructed a temporary shield around the bombs' vicinity to keep in any gas that might be released. I will then accompany several other bomb disarming experts to get rid of the bombs immediately."

"You know how to disarm bombs?" Shining asked.

"Took a summer course on the subject. Always knew that it would come in handy."

"Thank you both," Luna said, fatigue nearly making her topple over. "Now I need to help with the injured."

Shining ran to her side before she tumbled, balancing her tall frame with his own. "But Princess, you nearly used up all your magic on healing Celestia! You can't keep on going like this."

"Like you said Captain, someone needs to lead us through this difficult time. I will do everything in my power to protect my citizens and guards, whether you want me to or not."

Shining definitely couldn't argue with the Princess, so he helped her to the door where she was able to find the strength to stand up on her hooves again. Gazing at her prone sister for a couple of seconds, she left through the door, the Joker hiding behind the door's dark shadow.

Twilight went up to Celestia and rested her head on her fallen teacher, sighing heavily. Shining stood next to her, and eventually coughed to break the silence. "Um, Twily, I think it would be best for you to-"

"No, Shining!" Twilight snapped to her brother. "I will not go back to Ponyville. I have a duty to the Princess as the Element of Magic. I won't fail her now... or ever again,"

"But Twilight, what about Spike?"

"He'll be fine," she responded. "He won't expect me until tomorrow afternoon. Hopefully by then I'll be back to explain this terrible event further with him. Until then, I have highly toxic bombs to disarm."

Shining knew better than to argue with his sister. In fact, he found that it was utterly useless to argue with a mare when she puts her mind to something. You would have guessed he'd find this out soon enough married, but some stallions take a little longer than others to realize the stubbornness of females.

Twilight left, but Shining remained, determined to stand by his leader's side all night. The Joker was briefly tempted with the idea of going in there and finishing off both ponies. Shining's magic was all but useless, and Celestia couldn't do much in the state she was in. It would be easy enough to slaughter both them in no time flat. He reached into his pocket and began to withdraw his favorite neck slicing switchblade.

"No, no, not yet," the Joker whispered to himself, releasing his grasp on his razor sharp weapon. "I have something special planned for those two. For now, Twilight and her friends will have to do. And I know the perfect place for this crackpot revenge scheme."

The Joker creeped down the empty halls, his destination already in mind. Soon enough he was there, the chambers of Twilight Sparkle herself. Always useful to figure out where one of of the victi- *ahem* ponies' rooms are.

Quickly picking the lock with ease, he entered the purple unicorn's private abode. It was exceptionally furnished, a room even a noble would gush at. Marble walls and floors, a plump and comfortable looking bed, golden chandelier, a wondrous view of Canterlot through the balcony, not to mention the five star bathroom with a steam shower. It truly was a room fit for a Princess, or at least her prized student.

With a devious laugh he skipped inside, making his way to her desk. On it were all means for a scholar to have a rocking good time; books, scrolls, and quills galore were laid before him. But he had a particular set of items in mind. Snatching an unused scroll and a freshly dipped quill, he began to scrawl a message, his writing exaggerated with each flourish of the quill. Finished, he tip toed to Twilight's bed, even though no one was sleeping in it tonight.

He placed the scroll gently on the pillow where the unicorn would usually rest her head, so it would certainly catch her eye if she was to enter her chambers. Chuckling with a child like glee, the Joker said to the empty room, "Oh, so much fun I have planned for today. So much fun! Hahahahahahahahahahha!"


"Ugh! I swear if I ever get my hooves on the Joker, I'll make him wish he'd come to our world in a dragon's lair instead!" Twilight complained, finally entering her room for much needed sleep after six hours of never ending work. Work that was the cause of a certain big mouthed clown.

It wasn't bad enough she had to disarm dozens of bombs in one night, but without her magic the process was even more monotonous and difficult. Add that with the fact she had to wear an extremely uncomfortable gas mask at all times and have a mob of guards watching her every move. A hellish evening for sure.

She didn't bother to fix her ruined mane, or take a much needed shower, or even remove her sweat stained Gala dress (Rarity will definitely freak about the laundry for this one). She beelined for her bed and dive bombed in it's soft plush fabric. When her head hit her pillow, however, she felt the familiar texture of paper instead.

Lifting her weary noggin, she examined the scroll attached to her face.

Dear Sparkle Butt,

I had a wonderful time at the Gala. The ponies, the music, and not to mention my ill gotten loot. Real shame that the evening had to end so quickly, but I would be delighted to attend next year. Anyway, I know you're a busy mare and all, so I'll cut to the chase. I recently broke out of the dungeon, which you should probably check on because the two guards I stuck in there are having rough and wild sex as we speak. Who knew you ponies had such an extraordinary vocabulary for the word ass. But back onto the matter on hand. Now that I'm out, I plan on having a party of my own, and what better place than Ponyville? After all, you all live there and have so many nice things to say about it. So when you get this letter hurry up for the hoedown! It will be at the library, so don't be late. I just know Spike will be so disappointed if you didn't show up.



Your delightful nemesis,

The Joker


PS: I took the liberty of spreading some itching powder on your bed. Enjoy!

Next Chapter: Chapter 7: A Party Would Be Delightful: Part 1 Estimated time remaining: 1 Hour, 32 Minutes
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