Deadpool Vs. Equestria

Issue #1

Welcome To Equestria

Part 1

Tutorial

This is written as his reaction happens. Any and all interruptions Deadpool gives me is beyond my control. My narrative may become argumentative.

He is prone to schizophrenic voices. [This signifies the cranial entity he calls the Yellow Box] {While this is the White box.}

__________________________________________

New York.

It's a relatively okay place to live.

No, really.

Sure, it's big. And it's scary. And those skyscrapers make you wanna climb up and jump off them simply because the feeling of falling is fun. Well, I wouldn't know, I haven't tried it.

Anyway. You would see a lot of interesting things if you existed in the New York we know of. Lemme put it this way... if you're reading this right now, there is no way in hell or Tartarus you can get to the New York I'm talking about.

{They can dream, Harold.}

Shaddap. And don't call me Harold.

The citizens of this city could catch sight of Spider-Man swinging through the city. Seems to me, he's the ideal hero. But not for this story, no. The Human Torch could be seen flying about too. But meh. Same case with Iron Man. And Cap doesn't even fly or do the THWIP THWIP.

No. Our hero today, is not a hero, but he is the only one for this story. Because it was only today he could comprehend the phenomenon that is... Bronyism.

Now, sure. Peter Parker had gotten minorly dragged into it. But as Spider-Man, he ignored those urges until the important time. With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility. No lolligagging. ...Skyrim memories proceeding into brain... LEAVE. I HAVE A CROSSB- no, I won't go there. I'll just rephrase that. No procrastinating. Better.

Johnny Storm isn't even allowed on the internet for now. He accidentally melted a computer. Iron Man thinks it's weird... and we don't even know if Captain America even gets on the internet.

Our hero for today... is none other... than Wade Wilson... better known as... Deadpool. I know what you're thinking. "But he kills people! Who says he won't kill ponies either!?"

[You raise a fairly good point, hypothetical bludgeoning of the brain. Here's a thought... SHUT UP.]

You shut up. Anyway. This is because of a certain dare he was forced to partake in.

You see, his friend, Jack Hammer, better known as Weasel, is a closet brony. And today, Wade walked in on him watching Dragonshy. Deadpool guffawed at his apparent new level of girliness, and Weasel deflected his claims, and dared him to watch an episode, or else he would torture him with a Dubstep Dishwasher for many years to come. And now I know what you're thinking again, and I won't even bother quoting you. You're wondering why Wade won't kill Weasel, as he easily could. Well, that idea had crossed his mind. Then, he remembered Weasel is an important member of his group of bros. Should one member kill another, they must walk around New York City in a tutu, and then, after accomplishing this, must spend the rest of their life trying to get eaten by a land-shark. Deadpool had no choice, but to accept.

Today, Deadpool had taken measures to ensure he would win this dare. He strapped himself to a chair, and ate the key. It tasted good, for some reason. Then again, he did place it in a taco first. He then realized he couldn't start the episode because his arms were still strapped in. He had Weasel put on an episode for him. He put on Feeling Pinkie Keen. Deadpool watched it. He was most surprised indeed.

The eponymous character, Pinkie Pie, is a pink Earth-Pony, who seems to treat the laws of physics as if they were willing slaves and asked for a butt-kicking. It's like watching a realistic cartoon. And it was actually kinda funny. Deadpool admired her ability to abuse the forth wall of the cartoon. And the twitches, and the doozies, and the spontaneous combustions from nerds raging. It was all glorious.

Now that the episode had ended, he was now trying to escape. The chair wasn't nailed to the ground, so he was able to stand up. However, he had difficulty moving about. He fell three times. First, he had to use his legs to get up. Which took approximately 30 seconds. He fell over two more times, and he used his teleportation mechanism hidden in his belt to help him up. He thought of his falling over, combined with his patience for life, as Lives. He now had one life left, until he gave up on humanity entirely.

After a bunch of trying hard, he managed to open the door.

Unfortunately, he wasn't aware of any plans Weasel might have. You see, the genius had gotten a bunch of spare parts, and had finally completed a portal. It wasn't just any portal. It was a portal to Equestria. He didn't like how New York had turned out, and so wanted to get out. But he bought cells that made it a one-way-trip deal. He couldn't go back unless there were more cells over in Equestria. He was leaving all his cells at home for this. Unfortunately for him, however, Deadpool came running out the door, still strapped to the chair, tripping over and somersaulting through the portal. The last trace of him left was the empty, still strapped, locked, and useful-only-for-sitting chair.

{Weasel would be happy to know that his portal to Equestria was being used as a fan-fic plot device for our hero.}

No. he wouldn't. But he'd be happy to know that it at least worked. Deadpool fell through the portal. At first, he found himself inside a big ball of wibbly wobbly, timey wimey... stuff. Then, it turned into a tunnel of wibbly wobbly timey wimey stuff. Then, he was booted into another direction, and was experiencing a Rainbow Road effect like the one from 2001: A Space Odyssey. Eventually, he fell through a portal opening on the other side, and fell out of consciousness.

-----

And now we're up to speed.

[FINALLY. YOU TAKE TOO LONG.]

Au contraire, yellow box. My chapters used to be over 2000 words long. Now, they are under that, and over 1000. I want to be over 9000 words.

{No you can't. No you shouldn't. Don't even try.}

I CAN DREAM, HAROLD.

{Don't call me Shirley.}

Wha- ...Never mind. Let's get back to the story.

-----

Deadpool woke up to the sound of birds singing and crickets chirping. He opened his eyes. He looked around the place. This looked a bit too familiar to him.

"And flash animated, author."

Yes, I know. Do you know what it is?

"It's not Equestria, is it?"

No, it's World of Warcraft.

"FFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-"

I'm just kidding.

"Wa- WHAT!? You mean I'm actually in a kid's show right now!?"

Yes.

"But... I'm rated T for teen! And my video game is probably gonna be rated M! This doesn't work in a kid's show!"

Calm down. The cartoon you saw would be like a fictional representation of them. Out here, it's far more realistic.

"You mean... there's no Pinkie Pie breaking the 4th wall?"

There is, bu-

"That's not realistic at all."

I... shut up. Go to Ponyville.

"No."

Do you want me to write untrue things about you? Because in this fan-fic, what I write, I-

"Fine, I'll get on with the story, provided you don't do this throughout the entire story okay!? Seriously, our interactions are probably gonna be hated by the audience... So... what now..."

Deadpool looked around some more. He tried to stand up on his hind legs, but then, he felt pain in his back.

"It hurts to stand. And my arms don't feel right... what is up with tha-"

He took a look at his new appendages. His arms had turned to forelegs. He was still wearing his costume, and he had his weapons... but... he was a horse. Worse... a pony. He blinked a moment. He looked at around, and saw a marking on the flank part of his costume. What his Cutie Mark looked like, was a yellow speech bubble.

[You have a nice flank.]

Deadpool didn't respond to his migraine-inducing voice.

{Hey, champ, you oka-}

Deadpool suddenly erupted into a bunch of screaming and began running around in circles madly, in panic.

[Well, look at what you did, White Box, you made him hysterical.]

{You're the one hitting on him.}

[I... shut up.]

{No.}

Deadpool eventually got bored of running in circles, but not in screaming like a girl.

"HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYY!" He screamed hysterically, as he heard me.

As I was saying, he got bored of running in circles, and so ran towards Ponyville, still screaming. When he reached it, it looked exactly as it did on the show. Too peaceful, a lot of colourful buildings, and...

Suddenly, Pinkie Pie.

"Hi there, screaming funny guy! I'm Pinkie Pie! And you're new here! I know you're new here, because I know everypony in Ponyville, and I mean EVERYpony in Ponyville, and I haven't seen you before which means you're new! Although, I guess another way of showing you're new is by taking into account the fact that you were running around, screaming while the author practically broke your brain, which I definitely did not talk about just now and you should ignore! Hey, you know what this calls for? A PARTY!

Deadpool stared at her momentarily, unsure what to think of this. He then spoke one word...

"Rosebud..."

And jumped in the air, to land on his side, effectively knocking himself unconscious.

To be continued in the next issue!

{Hey, Writer, are you sure it was a good idea to gain total control over this fan-fic by killing off the direc-}

You've said enough. I'm leaving you now.