“Annie, hand me the funnel.” I said, preparing to refill the antifreeze in one of our offroaders; they were essentially model-t esque cars, imported with certain improvements to make them better at traversing the jungle roads.

“Okay, Mamma.” She said, rummaging through the supply trunk. It’d been a few days since our first day here, and sometime before noon was the deadline to head out; so at six in the morning, I was hungover, making sure all the fluids were good. “Why do we have to add so many liquids?” She asked, and a throb from my headache made me quite thankful we were parked in a dockside warehouse.

“This antifreeze here is to keep the engine from melting through the floor.” I explained frankly as I topped off the coolant. That done, I set the tin off to the side, preparing to crawl underneath. “Get down here, you might learn a thing or three… Oh, and grab me the ten-mil and hold the flashlight.”

“Got it, Ma!” She enthused, practically sliding on her belly to get to me- despite the pain my head was in, I couldn’t help but smile.

“This here is the flywheel housing-” I pointed to the part, and she shined the light at it. “It’s what lets your engine run when you’re not moving, otherwise you’d have to start the thing at every red light!” While not entirely accurate, it’s a close enough explanation. “It’s like a big yo-yo; its spinning is what keeps it stable!”

Annie oooh’d in wonder as I continued- “But anyways, you see these two caps? The one above the other?” Using the 10-mil wrench I unscrewed the top one, and not a drop of oil came out. “You always unscrew this one first- if you unscrew it and oil starts pissing out everywhere, you overfilled it.” Moving on and unscrewing the bottom one revealed that while it did have oil, it was pretty close to the same color as a dehydrated piss. I closed the cap, deciding to top it off anyway.

“You can tell by the color that this oil is near the middle of its life… However, I’m gonna top it off anyway.” I pointed to the oil can, and Anastasia ran towards the workbench as I got up… slower than I would’ve liked to.

“Th… Thu-thanks.” I said, leaning against the fender out of breath; I think being under the car just knocked the wind out of me. I powered on, though- using a tin oil can, I topped it off… I don’t know if it’s a good idea to mix old oil with new oil, but these cars were built like tanks.
It was quite barebones- but it had a closed roof, fifteen inches of ground clearance, a horn, and two fans on the dashboard being as close to a mobile air conditioning as we’re gonna get. While the black paint was chipped in some places revealing the wood paneling, it was like an old gun; the wear to the finish adds character…

And boy, were these cars full of character. Our envoy of Zebra navigators would be driving in front of us, while zebra cars behind us carried luggage and supplies. Due to the more advanced nature of the jungle civilizations, there was a… considerable but still not very high population density; in other words, small villages often stockpiled a few barrels of fuel, as those with cars here often had wealth… and if a rich fucker stops in town for gas, they can charge however much they like.

As for the other cars in our convoy, aside from the one Emmie and Sinan would drive, they looked more like trucks- all open topped with a flat bed, covered in supplies and luggage and already strapped down.

“One more thing I wanted to check, Annie.” I said to her, lifting the driver's seat up. A wooden dipstick was lazily thrown atop the tank, probably rattling like a motherfucker as the car drove in here. “The fu- It’s not even stock!” I yelled, exasperated as I beheld a flat wooden stick with a fill-line marked lazily with marker.

Jesus Christ, those guns are just fucked when they get here. I refilled the fuel, feeling annoyed at all this shit.

Thunk!

The seat finally closed, I stopped to take a breath… and mentally prepared myself to do the same inspection as our other car, being driven by Sinan.

“Mamma?” Annie asked innocently, hopping up onto the cushioned front seat. “Are we almost done?” She yawned adorably, “I’m tired, still!” Despite my overall annoyance at everything right now… I couldn’t help but smirk.

“Oh, alright. You got the gist of it anyway.” I scooped her into a hug and smooched her forehead… then realizing my hands were covered in grease and oil as soon as they started transferring handprints to Annie’s white fur. “Ah, shit…” I muttered as Annie hung off my neck. “Eh, we’ll need to get showers before we leave, anyway.”

Anastasia just laughed, rolling herself up into a ball for a nap… I can’t blame the girl- I was the exact same way growing up; like that time I turned in a massive bounty and took a nap immediately afterwards. Heh… The fuck was I thinking?

Wanting to get the hard shit out of the way immediately, I crawled beneath the car… only to realize the 10-mil was missing.

Fuckin’ dammit all.

---

“Le-Leona… room… assassins!” Was Celestia’s last delirious utterance before falling into a trance-like sleep. While the heartbeat monitor beeped to the rhythm of her vital signs, Luna stood by her bedside, still in her pink bathrobe; holding her sister’s hoof like it was the most precious treasure on Equus.

While the mid-afternoon sun filtered through the dusty window of her sister’s bedroom, she couldn’t help but wonder how things got this way… but deep down, she knew.

A long time ago, she used her vast pools of magic from the Sun to tear and hold open a hole in the ozone layer to make way for her sister’s counter-offense from the Stars… A plan that, in the end, never succeeded in its main goal.

She sniffed, holding back shudders with each breath. “Dear sister…” her voice cracked feebly, and Luna steeled her nerves. “I can help you…” Her swelling eyes couldn’t take it anymore- and when she blinked, errant tears fell down her cheeks. “Make you better…”

Unable to keep herself together, she quietly sobbed into her sister’s shoulder. Even after an hour or two passed by, long after her tears had begun to feel dehydrating, fear left her glued to her sister’s side. Everytime she tried to leave, her mind would play tricks on her; it’d force scenarios into her mind’s palace of her re-entering the room, only to hear a thin-trebled beeeeeep.

The door swung open, revealing Celestia’s private doctor; A yellow-cream colored unicorn stallion with brown hair and a lab coat trailed a cart behind him. She didn’t even look him in the eyes, instead opting to move towards the window when she heard the door. She flung it open and leaned against the sill; aside from hiding the fact that her eyes probably looked red and her face was soaked, she had little interest in watching the Doc check and replace all the fluid bags and… waste tubes.

“Doctor Horse.” She intoned, relishing the feeling of a cool breeze on her tear-soaked face. “How is her condition?” She spoke clearly and cooly, taking immense effort to hold her pain inside.

“She’ll make a full recovery, eventually.” He said, rummaging around with who knows what. “Until then, I recommend regular, frequent check-ins to monitor her progress.” Luna nodded along, barely listening to the particulars. “I’ll leave instructions for her private nurses; they’re going to administer and monitor her dosages, from now on.” He explained, packing all his tools back into the cart. Luna turned around, and watched as he started to wheel the cart out.

“That won’t be necessary, Dr. Horse. One of the maids will deal with that for you.” She said, unable to avoid glancing at the vials the doc had been prescribing. He smirked, nodding.

“Thank you, Princess Luna.” He said, finally bowing before her… half-assedly.

“Let us walk and talk.” She said, gesturing for him to follow. She gave him a wide grin- “I got something, as a token of our appreciation.” The doctor nodded with an approving grin, having to trot to keep up with Luna’s pace.

“You really don’t-” But he was interrupted.

“But we insist!” She exclaimed with a warm, motherly giggle. “After all- ‘tis bad luck to refuse a gift from your Princesses!” She playfully slapped him on the back. “We’re heading to the garage… you ever driven a real, griffon-made Ben’s before?”

His eyes widened in gleeful shock! In keeping up appearances, he had to stop himself from running ahead… but made sure to leave a small lead so he could go down first.

“I have not… but I have driven an Equestrian made car or two, before.” He spoke with a sly tone, trying to hide his internal excitement.

“You’re gonna love it.” Luna said, following him down the last few steps that led to the garage. “Really- it’s a genuine thank you for all you’ve done.”

He giddily stepped through the wooden door into the darkness. Luna used her magic to hit the light switch… the Doctor then noticed something was off.

“You tried to murder my sister, ye hedge-borne, foppish, WANDOUGHT!”

PopBANG! Her pistol, based off the recently invented “caplock” design, had a small hangfire due to sub-par gunpowder… or perhaps some moisture got in the percussion cap tunnel.

The garage was empty; the well-swept concrete floor had a drain in the center; and of all the various tools and maintenance supplies lining the walls, what stood out the most was the magilectric bandsaw and garbage bags.

The hangfire gave the doctor a precious few extra nanoseconds to rethink his life choices before a round bullet punched through the back of his skull, shattering his jaw as it traveled through. His mouth flopped open as his dying body helplessly kicked and flailed- Luna sincerely hoped he was still conscious as he lay there dying.

She snorted, a signature look of smug superiority on her face. A dirty foldable deck chair hung on the wall- Using her magic she unfolded it, lazily using her hoof to dust off the seat. Leaning back with a sigh, her magic reached into the pocket of her pink bathrobe, pulling out a small metal tube; enchanted with preserving spells, the obscenely expensive cigar inside should be as fresh as it was the last time she smoked it.

Her magic lit it, too- and within just a few seconds, she was puffing on a ludicrously expensive cigar while waiting for some prick to die. Before she forgot, though- her magic stuffed a couple trash bags into her pocket.

She watched the doctor- that snake. That vile degenerate got her sister hooked on drugs for kickbacks from pharmaceutical companies. Her rage burned inside of her- coupled with the fact that the only reason she slept in so long, was because of some whistleblower’s pamphlet detailing how major pharmaceuticals preyed on addiction for steady revenue.

While she technically didn’t find any evidence that it was on purpose, the checks from the company behind Ketalor still arrived the same. And they’re not the only ones!

These whistleblower pamphlets are rare and subservient to the Rule of the Crown… but she couldn’t deny their usefulness… despite the civil unrest it’s caused.

Finally, the doctor’s spasms started decreasing slowly.

Getting up with a sigh, she walked to the outside-door, cigar still in her mouth.

Clang, Clang, Clang!

The garage door rolled up as soon as she knocked, one guard already saluting, and the other saluting when the door was up.

“Take care of this.” She commanded, and the two bowed respectfully. “He was maidenless; his disappearance can be chalked up to… ponynapping, I suppose.” She shrugged, already having a million and one things on her plate to deal with. As she walked back towards the main entrance, “Have one of your fellow guardsmen firmly remind everypony that what happens here, is to not be heard of. Not. A. Soul.”

They yes-ma’am’d her as she walked back towards her own bedroom. Her magic scooped up a large wad of pillows, blankets, and anything that’d be soft; unfortunately the chair in her sister’s room had to be taken away, as blood from the injection sight left an indelible stain on the main beanbag.

She felt immense relief when she heard the rhythmic beeping of the vital reader; wordlessly, she started building up the wad of pillows and blankets into a makeshift bed of her own.

Historically, Luna has been known as the Sword of Equestria, while Celestia is the historical Shield. In her most depressive moods, she’d call herself the “Cowardly Garrote.” But even in the hardest times, her sister was there for her… even when a demon in Luna’s brain didn’t want her to be.

Right now, however? She was the janitor of Equestria; working unseen in the background to get this fucking mess cleaned up.

She needed to bring the new specialist in and catch them up to speed. She needed somepony to stand in for Celestia at Blueblood’s funeral, for public appearances. There’d need to be an addiction specialist she could trust.

But the first thing she chose to clean were the vials of poison scattered about; she figured that’d be a good start as she started piling them into a trash bag.

---

I… I missed roads. Sincerely.

The first leg of our journey involved trying to drive out of the crowded city where the people seemingly have NO FUCKING SITUATIONAL AWARENESS!

AWOOOOOGA!

“MOVE IT, PRICK!” I yelled at one guy who just barely dodged my fender, flipping him off. “YOU DON’T HEAR THE BIG FUCKIN MOTOR ROLLING AT YA!?”

Etcetera Etcetera. This was America-tier city design and I wasn’t sure if I liked it. At least the population density will decrease towards the forest…

OH WAIT! NO ONE LIVES OUT HERE BECAUSE THESE ROADS ARE SHIT!

I was white-knuckling the wheel traveling through and over those ruts… or ravines, depending on who you ask. Many of them were soft, with mud pooling in them.

“When you’re offroading, Anastasia-” I started explaining to her, interrupting her laughter and cries for More hills! “You gotta keep your thumbs out, like this!” I said, demonstrating holding the wheel with my thumbs out.

Talking to Annie made me hate this driving experience a little less. “Otherwise, if you hit a rock and the wheel jerks, your thumbs’ll go with it!”

“That’d probably hurt!” She responded over the sounds of the engine, and I snorted.

“It’d definitely tickle, at least.” Seeing a long, flat-ish stretch of mud-road in front of me, I sighed and ruffled Annie’s feathers. “Can we talk about something?” I asked, and she huh?’d.

I nervously shifted. “The other night when I came home, you… wanted to tell me something?” I was still a little unsure; all I knew is if I didn’t talk to her about the other night, then he would tell Dee that I’m an out of control drunkard.

His words, not mine.

Eyes locked on the road, I could only glance at Annie- only to see her shift nervously.

“I really wish you wouldn’t drink so much.”

…

“That fuck, did he put you up to this shit?” Just what I fucking needed on top of everything else today.

Annie pouted.

“Anastasia, tell me the truth. Did your uncle tell you to say that?” I spoke firmly, and she pouted.

“Every time you go out and drink, you ignore the rest of us!” My knuckles gripped the steering wheel uncomfortably hard. “You’d rather sit by the pool and drink than play with me!” My claws started tearing the leather wheel cover.

“I get sore! I work all the fucking time!” I defended with a perfectly valid reason, “Believe me, when you get to my age, you get pain in joints you didn’t even know existed! And I’m only turning 33 next month!”

“Uncle Em said you were acting exactly like his nasty, alcoholic mom!”

My right hand flew off the steering wheel, backhand aiming for Anastasia’s cheek… but I choked, my flat hand straining in midair, my knuckles slowly closing back up.

“I hit a weird bump. Steering wheel got my thumb a little.” I said, mimicking shaking the pain off. I took a deep breath.

“I’m sorry, baby.” I said, wrapping my arm around her back and ruffling her feathers. “You’re the greatest thing to happen to me. I… I’m hurting you with my drinking, I admit.” With a sigh and a genuine smile, I leaned over and kissed her on the forehead. “I’ll cut back, alright?”

While my hand was rubbing her feathers, she grabbed and hugged my arm, cheek rubbing against it. “Thanks, Mamma.”

A look around told one that the sun was going down- and soon would conclude the first night of traveling. We’d be stopping in some village to refuel and stay at the inn for the night.

“You’re the bestest in the world, Mamma!” I smirked, feeling tears of j- “Mommy says you’d lose a lot more weight if you quit drinking, too!” pain. Tears of pain.

“Really? She said that?” I asked, voice cracking faintly. Children can be… brutally honest, I’ve found.

“Yeah! She says you’d look and feel better!” She laughed, nuzzling my fat fucking arm. “But I don’t get what she means. You look fine, and you’re really soft!” I forced myself to laugh, since the most hurtful thing anyone’s ever told me was framed as a joke.

“Thank you, baby.” Without a second afterthought, “Why don’t you look out the window for a bit? Enjoy the jungle, we won’t be here forever!”

“Okay, Mamma!” She practically bounced in her seat, craning her back to look out the window.

She didn’t mean it. She did not fucking mean it like that. I fucking refused to believe that. Admittedly, I’ve let myself go in these past few years- but I’m not fucking fat!

When we got to the village that night, you better fucking believe I was throwing shots back the moment I put Annie to bed. I’ll refrain from drinking during daylight hours- but after? Fuck it, with how much shit I’m dealing with, I at least need it to help me sleep.

---

“Good morning, Sister!” Luna sing-songed; she was quite happy, as her sister had only woken up last night- briefly at that.

“You… you bring my meds?” She muttered from under the covers, seemingly having no energy. “I needed it…for sleep.” Her voice was soft, almost like it hurt to talk.

“I threw it all away.” She responded simply, and Celestia shot up out of bed!

“Preposterous!” She seethed, voice rough like gravel. “Where is my doctor!?”

“His license was… revoked. Then we replaced him with somepony who can actually help you.” Celestia attempted to get out of bed- but a series of sharp pains all over shut that down. She winced, slowly getting back into bed to mope.

“Sister.” Luna spoke sternly, and Celestia’s back stiffened. “I know it’s hard right now, but I promise- it only gets easier from here on out.” Luna pressed a hoof to her sister’s, the two of them locking eyes; and the look of her sister smiling with that look on her face…

Despite not having her medicine, she couldn’t help but feel a sense of genuine joy.

“The good news is, the doctors seem to think that the side-effects are mainly psychological- I’ll make sure to check in as much as possible.” She kissed her sister on the forehead. “The PA system is active, and the specialist should be arriving in a bit. Alright?”

Celestia nodded slowly, throat too sore to even speak. Thankfully the pain wasn’t too bad, today- plus, there was a pitcher of water on the nightstand.

“Try and rest up, sister. Everything will be alright.” The door shut slowly, and Celestia used her magic to remove the covers the moment she heard the latch click.

Straight to the dresser, the one with the large mirror on it… and she beheld in horror the lack of any of her medicine.

“Where…” She grumbled, throwing the drawers open; getting desperate, she dumped them out to rummage through the mess of drawer-nonsense. She could count the individual strands on the carpet from how hard she was looking, but no matter what- not a single vial remained.

“No no no…” She muttered, throwing open her closet drawer, lifting her mattress, even the desk-drawers weren’t safe. “Gaaah!” She groaned in utter annoyance, dropping everything at once in a huff.

The pain in her throat had gotten unbearable- so she grabbed the pitcher and sloppily poured it down her throat, seemingly unaware of the volumes of water splashing all over her…

Something on her desk caught her eye- an envelope, still sealed.

For The Best Sister In The World! With a heart drawn on in red ink.

In grieving for the loss of the one thing that made life bearable, she crumbled the letter up; it was tossed into a nondescript corner, and she flopped onto bed.

“Sh… sh’l’d… shoulda died.” She muttered to herself, feeling like her life was meaningless; after all, there could be no-one she could relate to. She was a goddess. She was larger than life. She was a worthless fucking junkie, in her eyes. She knew it, everypony else knew it…

But if only she knew how wrong she was… at least about the no-one to relate to, thing.

I have a discord server for this fic out now!! It'd be real cool if u joined :333

Two in a row, I'm on a roll!

You know it's gonna be a good chapter when you're doing research on Model-T's and ketamine withdrawal...

As always, thanks so much for reading! Likes and comments are greatly appreciated!