>be me
>Get writers block
>Fuck around on FimFiction
>Notice that other Spiderman fic is featured
>Fuck no
>Starts writing

Oh hey, guys, I'd really appreciate if you checked out the first chapter of the remastered edition of Haylo: A New World. I mean, I can understand if that's not your thing, but I put a lot of effort into it, so I'd appreciate it if you checked it out.

Our hero drove through the Manehattan streets, the golden sun slowly setting behind him as dodged and weaved through the heavy street traffic.

"Reluctantly crouched at the starting line, engines pumping and thumping in time. The green light flashes, the flags go up. Churning and burning, they yearn for the cup," Spiderman said to himself out of no where as he suddenly hung a right, cutting off a bus full of orphans and causing it to swerve and crash, then explode violently for no reason.

"What was that, Spid-"

"They deftly maneuver and muscle for rank, fuel burning fast on an empty tank. Reckless and wild, they pour through the turns. Their prowess is potent and secretly stearn," our hero sang, interrupting the ninja mare sitting beside him, "As they speed through the finish, the flags go down. The fans get up and they get out of town. The arena is empty except for one man, still driving and striving as fast as he can. The sun has gone down and the moon has come up, and long ago somebody left with the cup. But he's driving and striving and hugging the turns. And thinking of someone for whom he still burns."

The sounds of sirens coming from behind caught the attention of our hero and his companion. A police patrol car sped up to catch up with him, it's sirens blaring as the officer inside screamed for them to pull over. Instead of doing so, our hero accelerated and drifted around a corner. The cop accelerated as well, managing to stay behind our hero's camaro.

"He's going the distance," Cheerilee sang, catching onto what our hero was doing, "He's going for speed. She's all alone in her time of need. Because he's racing and pacing and plotting the course, he's fighting and biting and riding on his horse... he's going the distance."

Our hero handed his MP7 over to the mare sitting beside him with a handful of mags, which she took and climbed into the back. She smashed out the rear window, before bringing the submachine gun up to bear and opening fire, focusing her fire on the patrol cars front wheels. The 4.6x30mm rounds easily shredded the car's front tires. Our hero turned another corner, and the patrol car attempted to follow, only to fail to turn and crash into a packed cafe.

"Shit!" Cheerilee exclaimed.

"Don't worry, they were hipsters. Lawl." our hero responded, before going back to his song, "No trophy, no flowers, no flashbulbs, no wine, he's haunted by something he cannot define. Bowel-shaking earthquakes of doubt and remorse, assail him, impale him with monster-truck force. In his mind, he's still driving, still making the grade. She's hoping in time that her memories will fade. Cause he's racing and pacing and plotting the course, he's fighting and biting and riding on his horse. The sun has gone down and the moon has come up, and long ago somebody left with the cup. But he's striving and driving and hugging the turns. And thinking of someone for whom he still burns."

Two more squad cars appeared out of no where and trailed our hero's vehicle, their sirens and speakers blaring as they raced through the streets. One cop leaned out of the passenger side window, aiming his carbine at the fleeing camaro. Cheerilee shifted and aimed at this pony, firing a single round at him and catching him in the arm. He flinched and dropped his carbine as he reached for his wound, before sitting back down in the passenger seat.

"Cause he's racing and pacing and plotting the course," our hero sang, "he's fighting and biting and riding on his horse. The sun has gone down and the moon has come up, and long ago somebody left with the cup. But he's striving and driving and hugging the turns. And thinking of someone for whom he still burns."

Cheerilee shifted her aim and opened fire, destroying the first car's engine block and causing the squad car's engine to sputter and die in a cloud of smoke. The now dead squad car went out of control, cutting off the squad car behind it, causing it to swerve to the left to evade the other car.

"Cause he's going the distance," Cheerilee sang as she took aim and opened fire, hitting the other squad car in the now exposed rear tire, causing the tire to shred and the squad car to flip, "He's going for speed. She's all alone in her time of need."

"Because he's racing and pacing and plotting the course," Spiderman sang, "He's fighting and biting and riding on his horse. He's racing and pacing and plotting the course, he's fighting and biting and riding on his horse. He's going the distance. He's going for speed. He's going the distance."

Our hero hung a right and turned into a dark alley, before turning off his camaro. Several screeching police cars passed by, unaware that they had just passed Spiderman's camaro.

"Are we good?" Cheerilee inquired.

"Like I give a fuck." our hero answered.

After a few moments, Spiderman turned one the ignition. The engine roared to life as our hero slowly drove out of the alleyway and onto the street, away from where the cops were going.

"What now? Lawl." our hero said.

"We could go see a movie?" the teacher suggested.

"We could."

A half an hour later, our hero and his bootylicious ninja companion found themselves inside a cinema. After much debate and no fucks given, the two decided on seeing the latest Daring Do movie.

The two took their seats as the movie began, showing Daring Do in the middle of a firefight with a bunch of Neo-Nazi terrorists. There was a close up of her booty as she popped up from her cover and opened fire, taking out a couple of the Nazi's before falling back behind cover to reload.

"Does Daring have a booty?" our hero asked to the stallion sitting beside him.

"She doooooooooooooooooooooooo." he responded.

The mare on the screen slid a new magazine into her sidearm, took a breath, and run out of cover, firing wildly at the Nazi's firing at her. One went down, followed by another, but the rest returned fire. Daring Do galloped faster, doing her best to escape, only to catch a bullet in the side. She screamed out in pain as she collapsed. The mare held her side and glanced up, spying two Neo-Nazi's walking her way. Daring Do brought up her firearm and fired, catching one of the stallions by surprise and easily dropping him. Before the other one could get to cover, the adventurer took him down with a single headshot.

Satisfied that her enemies were all dead, she dropped her sidearm and held her bleeding side. She moaned with pain, her moans being drowned out by the sounds of a churches bell. The camera panned out, revealing that she was just outside an old victorian church.

Guitars started playing in the background as the song "For Whom the Bell Tolls" by Metallica began to play. The camera returned to Daring Do, whom attempted to rise off the ground, only to collapse once more. The mare rolled onto her back, looking up at the blue, cloudless sky above her.

Moments of her life, including scenes from the previous movies and the books, flashed by as the song played. The filly version of Daring Do playing with what appeared to be her mother and father. Her father in a hospital bed, flatlining. Her mother lying limp in a bed, an empty bottle and some spilled pills beside her. The young filly, dirty and grimy, sleeping in a box as it rained outside. A stallion passed by this box and glanced inside, beckoning the filly outside and taking her home with him. This was followed by various scenes of him taking care of her, eventually leading up to her receiving the hat that she was always wearing.

"How did I get here, you might ask?" Daring Do's voice spoke up as the song concluded, "well, that's a bit of a long story. But every story has a beginning, so why don't we start there?"

Since the writer is too lazy to write out a two hour film, here's a brief summary. Daring Do was treasure hunting in Neighsia when she runs into some Neo-Nazi's looking to find the key to invincibility. After a short firefight and car chase through various shitty 3rd world country villages, the adventurer boards an airplane and returns to Equestria and visits her adoptive father, where it's revealed he was kidnapped. After raiding the local Neo-Nazi headquarters with some of her buddies in the Equestrian military, she finds out her adoptive father was taken to Germane. She then travels to Germane to find her adoptive father and uncovers a secret Germane plot to fund the Neo-Nazi's research and use whatever they find to go to war with Equestria. She manages to get a hold of Empress Luna, who launches an invasion of Germane for their treachery. After an amphibious landing and a giant battle between the Neo-Nazi Germane military and the Equestrian Marines, Daring Do discovers the location of her adoptive father and rescues him with the support of an Equestrian special operations team. They go in, guns blazing, rescue Daring Do's father, and stop the Neo-Nazi's plot to unlock the power of invincibility. As they flee the area, Daring Do gets separated from the others in an ambush, where she is chased down outside a church and drawn into a gunfight. The opening scene repeats, and it returns to Daring Do staring up at the sky, taking one last look at the sky before she dies, as it's likely the last time she will.

The doors of the church opened, and a lone priest walked out.

"Sweet Celestia..." he muttered, looking at the carnage. He walked among the corpses, breathing small prayers for each passed soul. As he reached the last stallion, he heard a low moan of pain. He glanced to his left and spotted a bleeding Daring Do, a gaping hole in her side.

The priest galloped over to her and examined the bullet wound.

"You are a very lucky mare," the priest said, "the bullet went all the way through, and it appears it didn't hit anything vital..."

The sound of a helicopter passing overhead caused the priest to look up. Equestrian special forces, clad in their black uniforms, rappelled out of the helicopter and secured the perimeter. Another helicopter dived towards the church ground and hovered just above the ground, allowing Daring Do's adoptive father to disembark from it. He ran over to the adventurer with a medical team hot on his flank.

"Daring Do!" he exclaimed in shock, seeing her injuries.

"She'll be fine, she just needs to be stabilized." the priest said.

As the medics went to work, the camera panned out, showing the entire churchyard, with ponies frantically running about and helicopters hovering over, before the screen slowly faded to black and the credits began to play.

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! MORE EXPLOSIONS AND BOOTY!" our hero shouted at the scream.

Several shouts of agreement rang out from the crowd.

"Spiderman, what the fuck are you doing? Are you trying to incite a riot?" Cheerilee asked.

"Yeah lawl."

Our hero stood up and activated his super strength, ripping his chair away from the floor and throwing it at the movie screen.

'Ey... you ever noticed whenever someone throws a chair… a brawl shoots off?' Riley from the Boondock's words echoed through our heroes head, 'I bet you don't even have to hit nobody with the chair. And niggas would still start wilding out.'

As the chair collided with the movie screen, the ponies in the room started going nuts. Several fights broke out and women and children screamed and fleed. Our hero and his ninja companion punched out a pair of burly stallions and walked past a making out lesbian couple as they walked out the theater.

"Well... that went to shit rather quickly..." Cheerilee commented as they walked towards Spiderman's camaro, looking over her shoulder and watching as police in riot gear charged into the theater. The sound of fighting and gunfire soon spilled out of the cinema.

"I know. Shit was so cash. Lawl." our hero said, hopping into the car. Cheerilee hopped into the passenger side seconds later and looked at him, a serious look on her face.

"Spiderman... I need you to drive me somewhere."

"Where to?" he asked.

"Manehattan General." she responded, her voice taking a solemn turn.

Spiderman drove through the city, the song 'Drive' by REM spilling out of the camaro's speaker system.

"Smack, crack, bushwhacked, tie another one to your racks, baby," Spiderman sang along, "Hey kids, rock and roll, nobody tells you where to go, baby."

"What if I ride, what if you walk?" Cheerilee sang, "What if you rock around the clock? Tick-tock, tick-tock, what if you did, what if you walk? What if you tried to get off, baby?"

The hospital was in sight now. Our hero hung a right and drove into the hospital parking lot. After several minutes of searching, Spiderman came across a suitable parking space and parked there. Cheerilee opened her door and exited the camaro. Our hero followed suit.

Cheerilee turned to him. "You don't have to come in, you know."

He shrugged, showing he just didn't give a fuck.

"Alright then, come along." the mare said.

The two entered the hospital, Spiderman walking over to the waiting room while Cheerilee made her way over to the front desk.

"Hi, I'm here to visit Shifting Shadows." Cheerilee said, doing her best to be as cheerful as possible. She failed.

"Hmm... give me a moment," the attendant said as she turned her attention to the computer in front of her. She typed in some information and read the info she got backed, before glancing back up at the teacher, "he's on floor four, room fifteen. Do you need an escort?"

"No, thank you. I think I'll be fine." the teacher said, turning away from the front desk and making her way over to where Spiderman was sitting, whom was talking to some stallion.

"Spidey, come-"

"Hold up, let me finish this conversation," he said, shooting his hand out at the mare, before turning back to the stallion, "so what happened next? Lawl."

"So, there I was, covered in bitch, and the next thing I know, BAM! Flash Sentry comes in and steals ALL OF THEM! You'd think that after fucking both my mom and sister, it'd be enough. But no. He's gotta take my bitches as well," the stallion said.

"Sucks bro." Spiderman said.

"Come on Spidey, we need to go." Cheerilee prompted.

"Lawl k. See yah bro. Look me up if you're ever in Ponyville," our hero said to the stallion.

"Right on, bro. You were certainly right about dat booty."

"Unf!" our hero unfed.

"Unf!" the stallion responded.

"Unnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnf!"

"Peace bro." the stallion said, waving good bye as the two entered the nearby elevator. Cheerilee pressed the button for the fourth floor as our hero hummed along to the elevator music like the idiot he was. The elevator quickly ascended to the fourth floor, the door opening with a chime.

The two exited the elevator, and the teacher lead the way down the hall. After walking past a dozen or so doors, the two stopped in front of a door marked with a fifteen.with big, black numbers.

"Here we are..." Cheerilee said, taking in a breath and pushing in the door.

The room was what you could expect from a hospital room. A plain white room, a shitty old tv, and a heavy smelt of disinfectants.

In the corner of the room was a bed occupied by an old, graying stallion.

Cheerilee stood in the doorway in silence for several moments, which seemed to last an eternity.

Slowly, the body in the bed shifted and faced the doorway. It now became apparent to our hero that this stallion was no regular pony, but one of those bat ponies he saw hanging around Luna.

Badass.

"Cheerilee..." he croaked.

"Dad..."

A small smile spread across his snout. "Come closer, daughter." he said.

The teacher stepped closer to the bed as our hero leaned against the farthest wall, fiddling with his dick as he watched the two.

"It's been so long since I've laid eyes on you... you look so much like your mother. It's a shame you had to leave the clan behind to fulfill your destiny... I missed my time with you," he said, wiping away a tear forming in his eye, "How is the young one? What is his name... Squeak or something...?"

"He's fine, dad. Despite his shenanigans, he is doing quite well in school."

Her father smiled. "That's good... it's a shame I will not ever be able to see him again."

It was at this moment that the aged stallion noticed the nano-suit wearing superhero, wanking sneakily.

"So... the prophecy has come true. I didn't think I'd live to see the day..." Cheerilee's father droned on, examining the human, "when the oracle told us our kind's savior would not be a pony, but a human, I thought her insane. But here he is, the chosen one, standing before me. My heart swells with pride knowing that you were the one chosen to find him, Cheerilee."

The stallion coughed violently, causing painful convulsions to shake his body. A little bit of blood rolled down his cheek.

"You would have made your mother so proud, Cheerilee. You've made me proud."

With great effort, Shifting Shadows rose from the bed and embraced his daughter.

"I know I haven't said this enough in the past... but I love you, daughter. I know you will fulfill your destiny."

"I love you too... dad..."

Her father leaned back and lay down on his bed, before looking over at Spiderman. "Take care of my daughter, alright...? Think you can do that?"

"Lawl maybe. I dunno." our hero answered.

The stallion smiled and relaxed as his heartbeat dropped and flatlined. Cheerilee stood there in silence, looking at her father's corpse. She did not weep, nor mourn. She merely stood there in silence.

After what seemed like an eternity, Cheerilee reached up to her father's face and slowly closed his eyes.

"I'll see you on the other side, father." she said, before slowly rounding on our hero, "Let's go back to Ponyville."

"Lawl k."

It was a long drive back to Ponyville. No one spoke, and silence reigned over the car, only to be overthrown in a violent coup d'etat when our hero turned on the radio and started to listen to some REM. It had to be around midnight when our hero pulled up to Cheerilee's house.

"Thank's for coming along, Spiderman... it really means a lot to me." Cheerilee said, smiling sadly at him.

"Ain't nothing but a G thang, lawl." our hero responded.

The teacher began to climb out of the car, but paused and turned towards Spiderman. "Could you stay the night, Spidey? I'd really appreciate the company."

UNF! DA BOOTY BECKONS YOU INTO HER HOME FOR A NIGHT OF DEBAUCHERY.

"I am the bone to your sword." our hero said, turning off his camaro and climbing out of it.

The two walked up to the front door together, Cheerilee reaching into her saddlebags and fumbling with her keys. She found her house key and inserted it into the door knob, before twisting and unlocking the door.

She pushed the door open, and found only darkness beyond the doorway. She trotted in, Spiderman following close behind, as she placed her on a nearby counter and turned on the lights.

"PIRATE ATTACK!" two voices exclaimed in unison.

Cheerilee flinched and reached into her saddle bags, pulling out a large combat knife. Spiderman struck a pose and extended his vibroblades. Two figures jumped over the couch, one large and one small. Cheerilee took aim at the larger one and threw her knife at the figures head.

"Eeep!" the larger one squeaked.

"Mum! Stop!"

Cheerilee shook herself out of trance and noticed that standing before her was Pinkie Pie, whom now had a combat knife tangled in her cotton candy like mane, and Pipsqueak, both dressed up like pirates.

"Mum?" Spiderman asked.

"WHAT A TWIST!" M. Night Shyamalan exclaimed, popping out of nowhere. Everypony stared at the strange Indian, whom slowly backed out of the house and closed the door behind him.

After the shitty horror director left, everyone in the room did their best to forget what just happened and go back to the previous subject.

"Yes... Spiderman, I have a son." Cheerilee answered.

"Wait, Spiderman is here?" the young colt asked, pulling up the two eyepatches he was wearing for double pirate power and examining his surroundings, before spotting the red and blue nano-suit wearing faggot. He quickly sprinted up to him and latched onto one of his legs, "Well slap my arse and call me Margaret Thatcher, it really is Spiderman!"

"Lawl sup?" our hero asked, before turning to Cheerilee, "does that make you a milf?"

"Hmm... no, I adopted him," the teacher said, watching the small colt hang onto the human's leg, "He was one of many orphans caused by the Ninja Pirate war. Most died due to hunger and sickness. Pip was lucky enough for me to get to him before death did."

"Did you enjoy your trip, Miss Cheerilee?" Pinkie Pie inquired, digging the knife out of her mane and hoofing it over to the other mare.

"Yes, I guess you could say so," she answered without emotion, "I'll drop off your payment tomorrow. Have a good evening, Pinkie Pie."

"Okie dokie!" she said with a smile, before moonwalking out of the house.

"I like that mare. She should get more chapters. Lawl." our hero said, looking at the readers with a glare.

"Yeah, Pinkie Pie's a nice mare. A bit on the crazy side, but a nice mare... I'm going to go tuck Pipsqueak in. Make yourself at home, Spiderman." the mare said.

"Lawl k." Spiderman said, hopping onto the nearby couch. Cheerilee signaled Pip to follow her. As the two left the room, our hero got up from the couch.

He looked to the left, then the right, then went behind the couch and whipped out his dong.

"Sneaky wank lawl." our hero said as he started jerking it.

Ten minutes later, Cheerilee kissed Pipsqueak good night and walked out into the living room. There on the couch sat Spiderman, his mask removed and sweating heavily.

"Spiderman, why are you so sweaty?" she inquired.

"I popped a molly, lawl."

The teacher rolled her eyes before jumping up on the couch, lying beside our hero and leaning against him.

"I like where this is going." our hero commented. The mare didn't respond.

The two sat there in silence, the only thing breaking the silence was their breathing and the sounds of crickets trying to get laid outside.

'You go, bros. Get some hot cricket ass.' our hero thought to himself.

Spiderman continued to listen to the crickets try desperately not to get friendzoned, until he heard a new sound drown out the sounds of the chirping crickets.

The sound of a light sobbing.

Our hero glanced down and noticed that Cheerilee was now quietly sobbing into his nano-suit. Getting her delicious tears all over his suit. But Spiderman didn't give a fuck about his Spidey Suit™. Da booty was in pain.

Though everything in his being told him not to, he wrapped his arms around the mare and embraced her, patting her back slightly.

"He's gone... Spiderman. My father, my mentor, the person who was always there for me, he's gone. I'll never see him again."

Our hero had no words of comfort. A man who gave no fucks could not do so. It went against what he stood for.

Unless...

As the mare continued to sob and babbled incoherently to herself, our hero reached into his non-existant pockets and pulled out a shiny, star shaped object.

"Cheerilee..." he said lowly, getting her attention.

She sniffled and looked up at our hero. He patted her head, and handed her the object.

"I found exactly one fuck... it is my gift to you," he stated.

The mare stopped crying and examined the fuck in awe, before looking back at our hero with a raised brow. "...wait... I thought you gave Fluttershy your one and only fuck?"

This time, it was Spiderman's turn to roll his eyes. "I stole it back when she chose the lizard over me. Lawl."

Cheerilee smiled, wiping away her tears and she tightly embraced our hero.

"T-thank you..." she whispered.

Shortly after, the mare fell asleep on our hero, snoring lightly. Not wanting to disturb her, Spiderman embraced her and leaned his head against hers, closing his eyes as he drifted off to sleep.

It looks like you've unlocked something...

Good job, you've got your first waifu.

What, do you want a fucking reward or something? Do I look like a fucking charity case?! GET A JOB!

Anyways, time to vote!

WHAT WILL OUR HERO DO NEXT TIME?!

()Go out clubbing with the talking velociraptor gentleman and Lyra (LYRA UNLOCKED ONCE MORE)

()Help Discord become a friend of justice

()Fight in a gladiator tournament with Ms. Cheerilee

()Take Luna to a Dethklok concert, you've heard she's secretly a metalhead

()...go on an awkward date with Rainbow Dash

()There’s a new mall. Let’s go exploring with Rarity and your pet raptor

()Go to the new bar in town with Twilight and get drunk

()Bake with Pinkie Pie. Acquire money and pot brownies

()Smoke weed with Applejack and help her take down some rival dealers

()Play video games with Spike

()Teach Fluffles the meaning of friendship

()Teach Fluttershy how to french kiss THEN GET FRIENDZONED BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T DO THIS FIRST

()Volunteer at a cripple pony school with Fluttershy and attempt to score

()Take the CMC and Luna skydiving. What could possibly go wrong?