60's Era Spiderman goes to Equestria

by MnM

First published 3rd of October, 2012

And he fucks up everything

*Criticism, negative or positive, and comments are encouraged*

One day, 60's Era Spiderman accidentally swings into a portal and finds himself permanently stuck in Equestria. But does he give a fuck? Hell no! Did you forget who we are talking about?

The Arrival

Spiderman dodged and weaved through the maze of tall skyscrapers, doing his best to escape the giant dragon that was chasing him. The reason why the dragon was chasing him, however, escaped our hero. And quite frankly, Spiderman didn't give much of a fuck either.

"Fuck you!" Spiderman shouted back at the dragon, before dodging another wall of flame. He flipped the dragon the bird and cursed at him once more. This angered the dragon greatly, causing the dragon to soar past Spiderman and break his web, sending him plummeting towards the ground far below. Spiderman attempted to shoot out another stream of spiderweb to save himself from plummeting to his death, but found it was all in vain upon discovering something.

Spiderman had forgot how to shot web.

"How do I shot web?!" Spiderman demanded, hoping maybe God would hear him and save his spider ass.

Meanwhile, in heaven, Chuck Norris watched as Spiderman plummeted towards the streets of Badly Animated New York City, a no doubt unfortunate death for our hero.

"How do I shot web?!" Spiderman demanded.

"Lawl I dunno." Chuck Norris responded.

However, that day, Chuck Norris was in a good mood. His son, Black Jesus, had done a good job spreading the word of Old Spice in an alternate universe, so Chuck Norris decided to just say 'what the fuck' and save Spiderman's spider ass.

Spiderman continued to plummet towards the ground at terminal velocity. He knew how it would end for him, for Spiderman had seen the aftermath of people jumping off Badly Drawn New York City's many high rises. All that would be left was a liquid mixture of skin and bodily fluids, as well as some body parts that managed to survive the fall and the remnants of the person's clothes. It was never a pretty sight, but as far as everyone knew, it was a quick and painless death. Not that Spiderman gave a fuck about whether his death was painless or not.

All that Spiderman cared about was the fact he wouldn't be able to fuck Mary Jane anymore. And he wouldn't be able to pleasure trees, and molest Billy anymore.

All in all, Spiderman's life was a good run.

"I guess it's just time to resign to my fate." Spiderman stated, "god damn, how could I forget to shot web at a time like this?"

Suddenly, a small black hole appeared below Spiderman. Before our hero could even blink, he was sucked into it.

Spiderman awoke in what looked like a small village from the 18th century, surrounded by small modest homes and cottages. Sadly for our hero, the buildings were not nearly tall enough for Spiderman to use for swinging around town. Due to this, Spiderman was pretty much grounded.

Upon realizing this, Spiderman sat on the ground and pouted. "This is bullshit," he began to say, "you can't ground Spiderman."

After a few minutes of pouting, our hero finally got over himself and decided to look around. For the first time since his arrival, he noticed that he was not alone. In fact, he was surrounded by pastel colored horses.

"Hay." Spiderman said, before chuckling to himself upon realizing the little pun he said. Because, you know, horses eat hay.

"Hello." one of the horses, a lavender horse with what looked like an erection sticking out of its mane greeted tentatively.

Spiderman blinked and stared at the purple pony. Did she just talk?

"Fuck, I'm high." Spiderman stated coolly, before getting up off the ground.

"Are you lost?" the purple horse with an erection growing out its head asked.

Spiderman regarded the small horse for a second, before putting his hand right in her (guessing by the sound of its voice, it was obviously a girl) and saying, "fuck your hockey game."

The purple horse looked at our hero like he was crazy. "What hockey game?" she asked, confused.

"Lawl I don't know." he responded, "ooga booga where da white wimmin at?"

"...white wimmin?" the horse asked, even more confused, "I think you should come with me."

"Are you a cop?" Spiderman asked, pointing accusingly at the purple horse.

"What? No!" the purple horse responded.

But our hero did not believe her. She smelt like a pig. "Fuck da police!" Spiderman proclaimed, before running away from the talking purple horse. But before he could escape, he felt himself lifted off the ground by some unknown force.

"What is this fuckery?!" Spiderman demanded, as he floated back over the purple horse.

"Would you mind toning down on the language? There are foals around." the purple horse asked, pointing to a group of what Spiderman guessed were horse children.

"Yeah? Well, look up in the sky!" Spiderman shouted, pointing up in the air. The purple horse looked in the direction Spiderman was pointing, but saw nothing.

"There's nothing there." the purple horse pointed out, confused.

"Huh, that's odd. I swear I saw the fuck I gave floating up around in that area." Spiderman stated.

The purple horses jaw dropped. "Stop with the language, for Celestia's sake!"

"Who's Celestia? Is she hot?" Spiderman asked.

The purple horse blushed. "Well... I-I guess so."

Suddenly, Spiderman reached into his spandex pants and started rubbing himself. "Lol sneaky wank."

This earned gasps of shock from the surrounding ponies. Hell, a few ponies barfed, and one even fainted. But our hero didn't give a fuck about that.

Tired of Spiderman's behavior, the purple horse teleported him and herself out of town. After reorienting himself, our hero found himself outside of a small cottage, that smelt of a mixture of animal food and feces.

"What a dump." Spiderman commented. The purple horse rolled her eyes and started knocking her right hoof on the cottages door.

"Fluttershy? It's Twilight! Mind opening up? I have someone I want you to meet." 'Twilight' called out, trying to get the attention of this 'Fluttershy'. Probably some crazy forever alone animal lover from the smell of the place. Spiderman had smelt ghettos that smelt nicer.

Finally, the door slowly creaked open, revealing a small butter yellow horse with a pink mane, small wings, and a tattoo of three pink butterflies on its ass.

"Hello Twilight... who's your friend?" the horse that Spiderman guessed was 'Fluttershy' asked.

Just a stupid animal

"...would you like to come inside?" Fluttershy asked timidly, opening the door all the way for her guests.

"I don't give a fuck." Spiderman said, walking past the yellow pegasus. Twilight stood frozen in shock. Nopony ever curses around Fluttershy. Even Gilda held her foul tongue around the timid butter yellow pegasus. However, what shocked Twilight even more was the fact Fluttershy didn't seem bothered in the slightest by his language.

"Fluttershy? Are you alright?" Twilight asked.

"Oh... I'm fine Twilight." Fluttershy answered.

"Are you sure? You don't seem bothered at all by that creatures harsh language." Twilight stated.

"Oh, I don't mind at all. He's just another stupid animal. He doesn't know any better." Fluttershy said, "would you like to come in as well, Twilight? I was just making some tea."

"Sure, why not?" Twilight said with a shrug, before the two ponies started making their way inside the cottage.

Our hero sat on a tiny little couch, doing his best not to vomit due to the overwhelming smell of piss and shit. Seriously, it smelt worse than sewer in there. Spidey smelt rotting corpses that smelt better than this cottage.

Suddenly, this little white bunny comes out of no where and starts kicking his shin.

"Fuck off." Spiderman said to the little asshole bunny. The asshole bunny stopped kicking him, but looked up at him and glared at him, before flipping him the bird.

This, of course, really pissed off our hero. No one, not even cute little asshole bunnies, flipped him the bird. So Spiderman held out his arm and shot web at the little asshole, sending the white bunny flying across the room. While he struggled to free himself from his binds, the yellow pegasus with butterflies on her ass and the purple horse with an erection sticking out of her mane walked into the room.

"Hello..." the pegasus said gingerly.

"Hay." our hero responded. Of course, our hero really just wanted to tell her to fuck off, but he found the little yellow pegasus kind of cute. That, and she had some sweet tats.

"Do you have a name...?" she asked, trotting up to our hero and sitting down beside him on the tiny couch.

"I like where this is going." Spiderman commented. Twilight's mouth dropped, and Fluttershy, in her innocence, merely giggled.

"Is that your name? How strange." Fluttershy commented.

"What? No, my name is Spiderman." our hero answered.

"Oh! I see, because of the webs on... your... I'm sorry, but that clothes or skin?" Fluttershy inquired, poking at our hero's leotard.

"It's my spidey outfit lawl." Spiderman answered.

"What's lawl mean?" the purple erection horse, also known as Twilight, asked.

"Lawl I dunno." Spiderman responded, throwing his hands up in a shrug.

"But that doesn't even make any sense!" Twilight exclaimed. In response, Spiderman started digging for his non-existent pockets.

"What are you looking for?" Fluttershy asked.

"I'm searching for a fuck to give." Spiderman answered. Much to Twilight's shock, Fluttershy started cracking up at this.

"Nope. Damn. That fuck I was going to give you has disappeared, Purple." Spiderman apologized, sending Fluttershy into hysterics. She actually fell off the couch and started rolling around on the shit stained and piss covered floor, laughing her fucking head off.

"Fluttershy... are you okay?" Twilight asked, getting quite concerned for her friends mental health.

Fluttershy continued laughing hysterically for a few moments, but quickly wound down and hid behind her mane, embarrassed by her sudden and unusual outburst. "Oh... I'm sorry Twilight..." she squeaked.

Our hero smiled to himself as he gazed at the small yellow pegasus. Despite her shyness, she obviously has the potential to be quite the non-fuck-giver (Spiderman knew that didn't make any sense, but fuck you, he's Spiderman). All she needed was... a little chaos.

As if on cue, the door opened inwards, despite the fact it opened outwards, and in walked a weird creature. That's really all Spiderman could say to describe said creature, because his body layout didn't make much sense to our hero. It's head was vaguely horse-like, with a deer antler and goat horn. It had the right arm of a lion, the left claw of an eagle, the right leg of a lizard, and the left leg of a goat. It also had a bat's right wing, a pegasus' left wing, a horse's mane and a dragon's tail with a white tail tuft. He also had a body similar to a snake.

"Discord!" Twilight spat out, her horn glowing as she prepared an offensive spell to take down the draconequus. Fluttershy ran for cover, while Spiderman sat on the couch and watched, not giving a fuck.

"Please, Twilight Sparkle, put that thing away. You could shoot someponies eye out with that." Discord said, with a mischievous smile.

Oh fuck, it's Friday!

"What are you doing here, Discord?!" Twilight Sparkle demanded, disengaging her offensive spell. "Aren't you supposed to be imprisoned in the Canterlot Gardens?"

"Well, I was, up until your friend over here appeared." Discord stated, before teleporting behind our hero, who was busy not giving a fuck. "His appearance in this world has caused just enough chaos to free me from my stone tomb."

"Meh." Spiderman muttered.

"It's Spiderman, isn't it?" Discord asked, teleporting into the seat beside him.

"Fuck you, I'm Spiderman." our hero answered, flipping Discord the bird.

"Just as I thought. So, Spiderman, do you know what day it is?" Discord asked.

"Does it look like I give a fuck?" Spiderman responded, pulling a bottle of water out of his non-existent pockets and taking a big drink out of it.

"It's Friday, Spiderman." Discord stated.

Spiderman's eyes shot open as he spat out the water that was filling his mouth, before jumping up off the couch. "Oh no! I forgot to get down on Friday!"

Our hero's reaction sent both Discord and Fluttershy into a hysterical fit of laughter. In Twilight's expert judgement, it actually appeared that FLUTTERSHY was out laughing Discord. Yeah... you read that right.

After a while, Discord wound down and teleported next to Twilight. "See that?" Discord asked, motioning to Fluttershy, who was still in hysterics. "That's Spidey's style of chaos."

"So... it makes Fluttershy less shy?" Twilight inquired.

A toothy grin spread across the disembodiment of Chaos' face. "You shall see, Twilight. It will be very interesting to watch." he said, before disappearing with a bright flash. Seconds later, there was loud knock at the door. Noticing Fluttershy was, amazingly, still rolling around on the floor laughing, Twilight made her way over to the door. Upon opening it, it flew open and slammed into Twilight's face.

In walked a mint horse with an erection sticking out of vibrant powder blue mane, staring at our hero with crazed golden eyes.

"Huuuuuuuuuuuman..." she muttered, her mouth frothing.

"Hay." Spiderman said, getting into a sexy pose. "Draw me like one of your french girls."

Meanwhile, Chuck Norris watched from above, quite amused by Spiderman's antics. Chuck Norris was sure that his decision to send Spiderman to Equestria was the right one. I mean, he was God, after all. God doesn't make fucking mistakes.

"It's good to be God." Chuck Norris mused, as he sat back in extremely comfortable chair and relaxed.

Fluttershy held in her laughter long enough to look up and notice the crazed unicorn. She looked much like Twilight that one time she could not find something to report on in her letter to Princess Celestia. What a mess that was.

Speaking of Princess Celestia, where was she? The disembodiment of chaos has escaped, and there was an alien visitor in her home. A good leader like her would have responded to this turn of events already. Right?

Meanwhile, Princess Celestia overlooked the courtyard in front of the Canterlot Castle, where a large crowd of angry ponies, tired of Princess Celestia’s horrible leadership and her huge, fat ass, were marching towards the gates. These ponies were led by her younger sister, Princess Luna.

As Princess Celestia watched, one of the few Royal Guards that have not abandoned the Solar Princess to join Princess Luna in her rebellion rushed in.

“Princess Celestia, what are we to do?” the guard asked, cradling his ceremonial spear nervously.

A heavy sigh of defeat escaped the princesses lips as she turn towards the guard. “Let them eat cake,” she answered, “let them eat cake.”

“But there is no cake.” the guard answered.

“So the cake...” the princess began.

“The cake was a lie, princess.” the guard finished for her, right as the castles doors were busted in, and a hundred angry ponies, led by an extremely pissed alicorn, rushed inside, killing anypony that stood in their path.

“Oh... hello Lyra...” Fluttershy squeaked, hiding behind her mane, once again embarrassed by sudden outburst.

“Huuuuuuuuuuuman...” Lyra repeated, making her way over to our hero.

Spiderman didn't seem to mind the crazed pony. “Hay... you guys... you wanna get down on Friday with me...?” Spiderman asked, a grin spreading across his face under his mask.

“Get down?” Twilight asked, who may be suffering from a concussion.

“Hang out. What, are you stupid?” Spiderman asked, earning an angry glare from the purple horse.

“How dare you?! I'm one of the smartest ponies in this town!” Twilight responded.

“One... fuck you, I'm Spiderman. Two... you're a fucking horse. And three, I doubt you are the smartest. Fluttershy seems smarter than you.”

Before Twilight could say anymore, Lyra shook herself out of her crazed state and perked up. "Hey guys! Let's play ignore Twilight!" she exclaimed.

"I'm up for that. Fuck you purple." Spiderman stated, throwing up his middle finger and thrusting his arm straight out towards Twilight, before turning to Fluttershy, "now you."

Fluttershy shrugged and shoved her hoof up into Twilight's face. "Um... fuck you Twilight." she said, before Lyra and Spiderman cheered.

"Come on, let's go get down!" Spiderman exclaimed. Truly, the only time Spiderman actually gave a fuck about anything is when he was getting down on Friday.

"Woo hoo!" Lyra cheered, skipping merrily out the door.

"...yay..." Fluttershy squeaked as she and Spiderman walked out the door, leaving behind a very confused Twilight.

LOOK AT HIM AND LAUGH!

Our hero and the mint horse with an erection sticking out of its mane sat on a bench in the park, with Fluttershy asleep on their laps.

"My faggot detector is off the charts." Spiderman commented as a stallion with a vibrant pink mane walked by. He glared at our hero over his shoulder before moving on.

"Tell me about where you're from, Spiderman." Lyra stated, pulling out a notepad and a pen to jot down notes with.

"It sucks and is badly animated. Not like I give a fuck." our hero responded.

"Fascinating." Lyra commented, jotting down a few notes.

"There were always these fucking faggots trying to stop me from getting laid too. I would keep telling them... 'fuck off, I'm fucking Mary Jane', but did they listen? Fuck no. They kept on attacking me when I was trying to bang Mary Jane."

"Who's Mary Jane?" Lyra inquired.

"Some ho I banged every so often. I would always have to save her stupid ass from these assholes, whom would set obvious traps for her, and of course, in her stupidity, she would fall for them and get captured. And then I would come in, whoop their asses, and save her, and then she would repay my bravery in sex." Spiderman responded.

"Was it worth it?" Lyra asked.

"Hell no. I've banged trees that bang better than her." Spiderman answered.

"Have you actually banged a tree?" Lyra inquired.

"Fuck off Hitler I'm trying to pleasure tree." Spiderman screeched at his boss, as he attempted to pleasure a tree.

"For the last time, I'm not Hitler!" John Jameson exclaimed.

"Lawl I don't give a fuck." our hero said, continuing to pleasure the tree.

"Yeah. And damn, that tree was tight." our hero said.

"I'd like to be a tree..." Fluttershy muttered sleepily.

"I like where this is going." Spiderman commented.

“Dear Celestia, that suit is just so...” someone began to say in an elegant, fancy voice, “horrid.”

Spiderman turned his head to spot a white horse with an erection sticking out of its fancy purple mane, staring at him like he was some sort of monster.

“Lawl I don't give a fuck.” our hero stated, flipping the white horse off.

The horse gasped. “Such language!” she said, aghast.

Suddenly, Fluttershy's eyes shot open and she looked up at the horse. “Oh... hi Rarity...” she said, before a little cute yawn escaped her lips.

“Fluttershy, what are you doing with this beast?!” this so called 'Rarity' demanded, glaring suspiciously at Spiderman.

“Oh... he's a really nice guy once you get to know him... and he's really fucking funny too...” Fluttershy cooed, lying her head back in our heroes lap.

Rarity mouth dropped, shocked at the sudden vulgarity of her usually timid friend. The most vulgar thing she had ever heard the timid butter yellow pegasus say was 'I don't give a flying feather', which was typically used by ponies who did not feel comfortable dropping the infamous 'F bomb'. Not even Applejack, who wasn't above using most swear words, didn't dare utter the 'F bomb'.

“What have you done with my friend?!” Rarity demanded, rushing forward and pushing her snout against Spiderman's masked face.

“Lawl I dunno.” our hero responded.

Rarity suddenly felt a deep fear inside of her. She glanced down at Fluttershy, who was staring intensely up at her. Fluttershy jumped up and pushed Rarity away from our hero.

“HOW DARE YOU?!” Fluttershy demanded angrily, her angry voice rivaling the Royal Canterlot Voice, “HE IS MY FRIEND! I DON'T INSULT THE VARIOUS STALLIONS YOU FUCK ON A NIGHTLY BASIS!”

Rarity felt ashamed off herself and felt her cheeks redden. “Fluttershy!” she gasped, “how could you say that?”

But Fluttershy wasn't finished. “YOU CALL MY FRIEND A BEAST AND INSULT THE WAY HE DRESSES, WHEN HE IS BY FAR ONE OF THE NICEST CREATURES I HAVE EVER MET IN MY LIFE.”

The fact that Spiderman was just described as nice almost made our hero give a fuck. Almost.

“Woah dude!” Lyra exclaimed.

“NOW APOLOGIZE!” Fluttershy screeched, her intense glare growing more intense by the second.

Rarity squeaked, almost fearful of her formally timid friend. She then glanced up at our hero, who was looking down at her.

“I'm sorry, Mr...?” Rarity had no idea what his name was.

“Spiderman.” our hero answered.

“Thank you. I apologize, Mr Spiderman.”

“It's cool.” Spiderman said, not really giving a fuck, “you wanna get down on Friday with us?”

"Get down, you say?" Rarity asked, before examining the watch to her right forehoof. It was 4:31. "I have not gotten down in... well years, you see. Yes... I would be delighted to get down with you today, Mr. Spiderman."

Lyra and Fluttershy cheered, while Spiderman sat there, not giving a fuck. Rarity stood there with an awkward smile on her face.

"Do you wish to go into town, Mr. Spiderman?" Rarity asked.

Our hero shrugged. "Why dafuq not?" he asked, getting up

Meanwhile, Twilight Sparkle lay in her bed, clopping to a sexy picture of the late Princess Celestia.

"Well, here we are!" Rarity exclaimed, as she, Spiderman, and the other two horses stood in front of a large club, "the hippest club in all of Ponyville!"

"What's it called?" Spiderman asked.

"The Mare's Lair." Rarity responded.

"Hmm... seems legit..." our hero commented, before he started to make his way inside, the three mares trailing right behind him.

"Stop right there!" someone shouted. Spiderman turned around to see a large, muscular horse glaring at him, wearing a black shirt labelled 'security' in big bold letters. It was a fucking bouncer. And boy, did Spiderman hate bouncers. "Your names aren't on the list."

"Lawl I don't give a fuck." Spiderman said, turning back around and making his way towards the club. The bouncer rushed forward and attempted to tackle our hero, but Spiderman's spider senses alerted him of the danger. He stepped to the side and tripped the bouncer, causing the bouncer so tumble and fall to ground.

Spiderman started cackling like a hyena. "Look at him! Look at him and laugh!" he bellowed. His laughter was joined by the laughter of Lyra and Fluttershy, as well as various other horses nearby. Rarity stood and watched, not wanting to laugh at the bouncers misfortune, but soon found herself pointing and laughing at the bouncer.

"Come on everybody! Let's go inside!" Lyra shouted.

"Bout fucking time! I really to get down." Spiderman stated, as he and three mares walked inside.

The club can't handle me right now

Two in one day? Oh you shouldn't have, oh you shouldn't have!

I mean, MarineMarksman, you really shouldn't have!

-Average fan reaction to two chapters in one day

When our hero entered the club, his ear drums were nearly blown out by the sheer volume of the music at the club. Not like he gave a fuck.

"Oh wow! This place is awesome!" Fluttershy over the music, "why haven't I come here before?"

"Because, darling, you haven't had the heart to come here before." Rarity said, walking past the other three members of the group and making her way over to the dance floor.

"Oh... oh yeah." Fluttershy said, rushing to catch up with her white friend.

"Come on you two! Let's, how they say... 'hit the dance floor'!" Rarity called back to Spiderman and Lyra, who were busy taking in the place.

"Lol k." Spiderman said, as he and Lyra rushed to catch up with Fluttershy and Rarity.

Meanwhile, Twilight Sparkle orgasmed and got out of her bed, walking down the stairs as silently as possible, in an attempt not to wake up her pet dragon/assistant/brother/adoptive son/slave Spike, who was sleeping beside her bed. In reality, Spike was awake the whole time, watching Twilight clop. It was very exciting for the young dragon.

But, that doesn't matter. What matters is what Twilight is doing.

Twilight carefully tossed on a stylish, yet revealing black dress and put on some high horse shoes. She had a mission for that night.

"It's time to finally get laid." the book nerd stated, before making her way out the door and walking in the direction of Sugarcube Corner.

"We can dance if we want to!" Spiderman sang, dancing around like a goofball.

"We can leave your friends behind!" Lyra chimed in.

"'Cause your friends don't dance and if they don't dance-" Spiderman sang.

"We'll they're no friends of mine!" Lyra finished for our hero.

"Looks like you too are having fun!" Rarity shouted, dancing her way over to the two.

"Fucking A! The club can't even handle me right now lawl." Spiderman exclaimed, continuing to dance in a very... unique way. Quite frankly, our hero looked rather retarded at the moment. But that's okay, because he CAN, in fact, count to potato.

"Mmm... quite..." Rarity stated, "say, why don't we get a few drinks?"

Our hero shrugged. "Why the fuck not?" he asked.

Twilight anxiously walked up to the entrance of the Sugarcube Corner and knocked on the door loudly. The door flew open automatically, and there stood Pinkie Pie, dressed in a dress almost exactly like Twilight's, but bright red color.

"Hey Twilight! You gonna go get laid too?" Pinkie Pie asked, walking out of the little quaint bakery and letting the door close behind her.

"Um... yeah..." Twilight answered, her cheeks turning a deep scarlet.

"Well, come on! Let's go clubbing!" Pinkie Pie exclaimed, skipping away merrily. Twilight shrugged and rushed to follow her friend.

"I'll take a pint of vodka." Spiderman said to the bartender, earning him a strange look from the colt.

"Don't you mean a shot, sir?" the bartender asked.

"No, a fucking pint. And don't water it down, for fucks sake." our hero stated.

"Sir, I don't think that's good for your health." the bartender stated.

"Look in my hand and tell me what you see." Spiderman instructed, extended his arm out to the bartender and holding out his palm.

"There is nothing, sir." the bartender answered.

"Look closer. The fuck I give is supposed to be in my palm." our hero stated.

The bartender examined Spiderman's hand once more. "Nope, still nothing." he said.

"Exactly. There is no fuck, because I never gave a fuck. Now get me my pint of fucking vodka!" Spiderman shouted.

"Very good sir. And for you miss?"

"A vodka cranberry, darling." Rarity stated, as Spiderman noticed that she had taken a seat beside him. He looked around for Fluttershy and Lyra, but found they were no where in sight.

"Hay." Spiderman said.

"Hello." Rarity answered awkwardly.

The two sat there in awkward silence for what seemed like forever. I know, ridiculous isn't it? Spiderman going more than thirty seconds without running his fucking mouth. This even surprises us, the writers of this fic.

Anyway, after a few long awkward moments, Rarity decided to break the ice. "Listen, I am terribly sorry for how rash I acted this afternoon. I had no right to insult you or the way you dress, and wasn't in any position to insult anyone anyway. I'm really sorry, Mr. Spiderman. I hope we can put aside all this and become friends."

"Enjoy liver cancer, sir." the bartender said, sliding a pint of straight vodka in front of our hero, then sliding a vodka cranberry over to Rarity. Rarity took a tiny sip from her drink, while Spiderman drank down the entire pint of vodka in one go.

No, seriously, Spiderman just downed a WHOLE FUCKING PINT of STRAIGHT VODKA. And guess what? He wasn't effected in the slightest. It only made him A LITTLE tipsy.

"Wanna kiss and make up?" Spiderman asked.

Rarity smiled and slammed down her vodka cranberry. "Well... now that you mention it."

Spiderman lay beside the now sleeping form of Rarity, whom fell into deep sleep after Spiderman rutted her brains out. According to Fluttershy's little rant, Rarity supposedly slept with various different males every week, but damn, her pussy was really fucking tight. It was like she was still a virgin.

Wait...

"Rarity...?" Spiderman asked.

"Mmhmm...?" she answered sleepily.

"Are you a virgin." Spiderman inquired.

"Mmm... not anymore darling..." Rarity muttered sleepily, before falling back asleep. Our hero sighed and looked up at the sky, where he had a feeling someone was observing him.

What's that smell?

[Authors Note - That feel when you can't download the Medal of Honor multiplayer demo for some reason.]

"Lawl I'll call you later." Spiderman said with his fingers crossed as he rolled out of Rarity's bed.

"But I never gave you my number." Rarity pointed out, sitting up in her bed.

"I don't give a fuck lawl." our hero said, before jumping out the nearest window. As Spiderman plummeted from the second floor of the Carousel Boutique, he extended his right arm out and shot a long stream of web out of it. The web shot across the street and attached to a building across the street, allowing our hero to swing down to the street below safely. This little show of epicness elicited cheers of excitement from anyone that witnessed it.

"Woo hoo!" a gray horse with wings and really fucked up eyes cheered, before falling over clumsily.

"Lol you stupid or something?" our hero asked the mare with the fucked up eyes.

"No, I have a disorder known as-"

"I don't give a fuck." Spiderman said, before swinging away.

"Oh... okay then!" the fucked up mare said.

As Spiderman swung away from the boutique, he heard someone calling after him. He looked down and spotted Lyra down below him.

"Spiderman! Get down here!" she called to our hero. Spiderman shrugged and cut his web, sending him plummeting to the ground below. He tucked and rolled safely in front of the mint colored horse.

"Hey Spiderman." Lyra chirped happily, beaming at our hero.

"Hay." Spiderman responded, jumping up to his feet and dusting off his Spidey outfit.

"What's up?" Lyra asked.

"Not much. Busy not giving a fuck. I was going to go find purple erection and go fuck with her." our hero responded.

"Don't you mean Twilight?" Lyra inquired.

"I guess lawl." Spiderman said, "wanna cum?"

"Would I!" Lyra exclaimed, squeeing happily.

Twilight was reading a book on the ancient history of the alicorns when there was a loud knock at the door.

"I wonder who that could be..." Twilight said to herself, looking at her watch. It was still very early in the morning. She shrugged and made her way over to the door, but upon opening it, Twilight came face to face with our hero, Spiderman.

"Hay." he greeted.

"Ahhh!" she screeched in surprise.

"Why are you so surprised?" Spiderman asked, "you know I drop by every Friday afternoon."

"But... today's Saturday, and you arrived in Ponyville just yesterday!" Twilight pointed out.

"Lawl I don't give a fuck." Spiderman said, earning a facehoof from Twilight Sparkle.

"Ugh... do you want to come in or something?" Twilight asked.

"I go where ever I please, purple." our hero said, pushing aside Twilight and walking inside the library, followed closely by Lyra.

"Hi Twilight!" Lyra chirped happily, waving at her as she walked past her.

"Hi Ly- SPIDERMAN WHAT THE BUCK ARE YOU DOING?!" Twilight demanded.

"Hold on," Spiderman said as he squat over the book Twilight was reading, "I'm taking a shit."

Twilight watched in horror as a long solid mass of feces fell out of our heroes asshole and plopped on the book.

"WHAT THE HELL?!" Twilight screeched in horror.

"That'll be twenty-four bits." Spiderman said, extended his palm out towards the purple horse.

"But you took a dump on my book..." Twilight pointed out.

Spiderman ignored her. "Well... pay the Spiderman!" he ordered.

Twilight sighed. "Will you leave if I pay you?" she asked.

"Yeah lawl." Spiderman answered. Reluctantly, Twilight picked up her purse with her telekinesis and levitated it over to her. Before she could even blink, Spiderman reached his hand inside of her purse and fished out a handful of bits.

"Kthnxbai." Spiderman said as he jumped out the nearest window. Twilight growled (yes, she literally growled from pure frustration and anger) and glanced over at Lyra. She stood there for a couple seconds, smiling sheepishly, before sprinting out of the library, leaving behind a small cloud of dust.

"Ugh... what's that smell?!" Spike demanded, as he made his way down the stairs. He looked around the room, then glanced at the shattered window, and then saw the history book that was covered in shit. "Twilight! What the buck?! Have you been snorting sugar with Pinkie Pie again?"

Twilight groaned and facehoofed. "I'm going out, okay Spike? Clean this up, will ya?"

"Sure thing, master." Spike said sarcastically, before making his way back upstairs to fetch his cleaning supplies. Twilight sighed and fitted her saddle bag onto her flanks, shoving her purse inside of one of the saddle bags many compartments, and making her way outside, slamming the door as hard as she could behind her.

You want fries with that?!

[See the new romance tag? Gonna start shipping the fuck out of a few ponies and non ponies eventually.]

"So, where are we going now?" Lyra asked, trotting beside our hero as they walked down the street.

"Lawl I dunno." Spiderman answered.

"Wanna get some lunch with that money you got from Twilight?" the mint colored mare asked.

Our hero shrugged. "Why the fuck not?"

While Lyra and Spiderman started walking down the street, where the nearest Mcdonalds was (yes, Equestria has Mcdonalds; it also has Walmart's and Denny's... I don't know how), Discord watched high above in the clouds, snickering at our heroes antics.

"This is just perfect!" Discord said to himself, snickering uncontrollably. Ever since he left Fluttershy's cottage, he has been observing Spiderman. He even watched as he rutted that whores brains out. Discord hated to admit it, but the human was doing almost as good of a job as he would when causing chaos, even if Spiderman caused chaos in a more... subtle manner.

Suddenly, Discord's attention was pulled away from our hero when he felt something land on the cloud he was lounging around on. The embodiment of chaos looked over his shoulder and spotted Queen Chrysalis, the former leader of the changelings. After her failure in Canterlot, she was overthrown and exiled, left to roam the Earth alone without purpose.

Until now.

"Ah, young Chrysalis! It's a pleasure to meet you, my Queen." Discord said, before grasping one of the Queens forehooves and kissing it gingerly.

"The pleasure is all mine. Your escapades against the ponies have truly served as an inspiration for my own." Chrysalis said, pulling her hoof away from the draconequus,

Discord smiled mischievously. "Well, I certainly enjoyed watching your drones practically wipe out the Equestrian Royal Guard without breaking a sweat from my stone imprisonment. Though, I must say, the fact that a group of six teenage mares without any combat training managed to take out over a hundred of your drone in hoof-to-hoof combat is quite surprising." Discord stated.

A low chuckle escaped the changelings lips. "It surprised me as well. Doesn't make much sense, does it?"

"No, not at all. Stupid writers." Discord commented, as the two villains shared a knowing glance.

"Anyways... I got your little... telepathic message yesterday, Discord. You said you had an offer." Chrysalis stated.

"That I did. But, I am not ready to tell you about it yet, my Queen. For now, I think we could both use each others company. Besides, I think you'll enjoy observing this human far more than my little offer." Discord said, motioning the changeling to take a seat beside him. Reluctantly, the Queen scooted over to the draconequus's side and looked up the side of the cloud, which was floating only about fifteen feet off the ground.

"A little low, don't you think?" the Queen commented.

"Shhhh girl," Discord said in what we know as a stereotypical black accent, "they can't see us."

"How do you know?" she asked.

"Magic." the draconequus responded with a casual roll of the eyes.

Chrysalis decided to drop the topic and examine what the cloud was floating over. Under the cloud was a pony that she recognized as one of the bridesmaids at the wedding, named Lyra if she remembered correctly. Walking with her, however, was a strange bipedal creature, with either red skin or clothing. She really couldn't tell.

"What am I looking at, Discord?" Chrysalis asked.

"That, my young Queen, is a human named Spiderman. He has super powers." Discord responded.

"What kind of superpowers?" the Queen asked.

"Spider powers." Discord answered.

"That's stupid."

"Tell me about it."

While Queen Chrysalis and Discord observed from above, Spiderman and Lyra walked into Ponyville's Mcdonalds, blissfully ignorant of the fact that they were being watched.

Spiderman walked up to the register was and looked at the menu. Same shit as back home.

"I'll take a big mac." Spiderman said to the colt manning the register.

"YOU WANT FRIES WITH THAT?!" the colt manning the register asked eagerly. To our hero, he appeared to be on something. Likely a mixture of crack cocaine and crystal meth.

"Ew. No. God no. Your fries suck." our hero said.

"Well fuck you too sir! How about you ma'am?" the colt manning the register asked the mint colored unicorn.

"I'll take some of them chicken nug-"

"YOU WANT FRIES WITH THAT?!" the colt manning the register asked once again, interrupting our heroes companion. Angered by the fact that someone else was being a dick to his friends (because only Spiderman can be a dick to his friends), our hero stepped forward and shot web at the colts mouth, effectively shutting him up. He then took the receipt and slammed the bits in front of the register.

Like a boss.

In the back corner of the Mcdonalds, Discord and Queen Chrysalis sat at one of the booths, wearing very elaborate disguises (not really; it was painfully obvious who they were, but no one really give a flying fuck about them).

"You see?" Discord asked, "the way he does things just has a subtle chaotic nature to it. Overtime, he can literally change the personality of pony. In one day, he changed Fluttershy from a shy, timid pussy to an outgoing lover of fun, who could probably rival Pinkie Pie in acts of randomness at the moment."

"I see." Chrysalis said, before levitating an uneaten burger away from an unsuspecting pony and pulling it over to her, ungracefully taking a bite out of it. She looked at the burger for a couple seconds, before looking back at Discord, who was fiddling with a strange device.

"What's that?" the Queen asked.

"Oh, this?" Discord asked, motioning to the strange contraption, "it's something called an MP3 player. I stole it from the human universe the last time I was free."

"Oh?" This got the Queen very curious. "What does it do?"

"Put this in your ear and find out." Discord instructed, holding out a pair of what looked like earmuffs to the changeling. Reluctantly, she picked it over her telekinesis and placed it over her ears. The moment she places the earmuff like contraption over her ears, a song began to play.

"What is this?" Chrysalis asked.

"'The Boss' by someone named James Brown. I must admit, he is by far one of my favorite human artists." Discord responded, humming along to the tune.

"I like it." the changeling mused, moving her body every so slightly to the songs rhythm.

"I know you do." Discord stated, sitting back in his chair and relaxing.

Look at this faggot

Spiderman and Lyra took a seat at one of the many empty tables inside the Mcdonalds, placing their food in between them. Our hero unwrapped his burger and tossed the wrapper on the floor. He then looked his burger for a few seconds, then pulled off his mask and took a big bite out of it. Our hero chewed on it for a seconds, before spitting it out.

"Fucking tofu!" Spiderman exclaimed as he threw his shitty tofu big mac across the restaurant, "tastes like my shit!"

"What were you expecting, Spidey?" Lyra asked, "you have to special order meat here."

"Now let me tell you why that's bullshit!" Spiderman said.

However, before Spiderman could enlighten us on how Mcdonalds not serving meat in a place where most customers are vegetarians, multiple Royal Guard pegasi crashed through the restaurants windows. They charged up towards our hero, pointing what looked like old school semi automatic rifles at him. A white horse with an erection sticking out of his helmet and wearing colorful purple armor trotted into the Mcdonalds and marched over to where our hero and his mint colored companion were sitting.

"Put your hands up!" the horse ordered, pointing his rifle straight at our heroes face.

"No, you faggot." he answered.

"But I have a gun!" the horse pointed out.

"Too bad lawl." Spiderman said, before turning to Lyra, "look at this faggot! Pointing his gay ass rifle at me. For the love of God, stop being such a faggot!"

The horses eye twitched and he fired a shot in the air. "I will blow your bloody brains out."

"Watch out! We got a bad ass over here!" Spiderman said, before extending his arm out towards the horses gun and shooting a stream of web into its barrel, rendering it useless.

But the horse didn't know this. "That's it!" he shouted, somehow pulling the trigger on the rifle. Of course, it didn't work, as the clog in the barrel caused the barrel to explode in a rather comedic fashion, like in a fucking Loony Tunes cartoon.

"CAPTAIN SHINING ARMOR! WHAT THE BUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?!" an extremely loud voice bellowed. The voice was so loud, it literally caused the restaurants windows to shatter. The voice also caused all the Guards in the room to drop their rifles and drop to the ground, bowing. In through the entrance walked a tall, dark blue horse with a long horn and large wings. Her mane seemed to be a strange aura instead of hair, and she had a large tattoo of the moon and stars on her ass. She also wore a necklace and crown.

'She must be black.' our hero thought.

"Captain Shining Armor, I am extremely disappointed in you. What the buck do you think you are doing? We make first contact with a new, friendly sentient species, and your first reaction is to point a gun at it?! Are you bucking- no, are you FUCKING insane?!" the blue horse demanded.

"But-" this Shining Armor began to protest.

"Shut the fuck up, Captain! I know damn well my sister made you Captain simply because you were involved with my cousin. You lack any leadership skill or experience at all. You're fucking demoted!" the blue horse exclaimed, before bitch slapping the former Captain, sending him flying across the restaurant and into a wall. The blue horse then turned towards our hero and sighed heavily.

"I am sorry you had to see that." she apologized.

"It's cool lawl." Spiderman said, waving it off.

"Well, still, I shouldn't have lost my temper like that." the blue horse stated.

"No, that was fucking awesome. Do it again lawl." our hero encouraged.

The horse chuckled lightly. "Sorry, but no." she said.

"Fuck..." Spiderman said, disappointed.

"Well, anyways..." the blue horse began awkwardly, "I'm Princess Luna, the ruler of the nation of Equestria."

"What happened to Celestia?" Lyra asked.

"Um..." Luna began awkwardly.

"Oh yes!" Celestia screeched in pleasure as the Guard whipped her once more.

"What the fuck?! You're not supposed to enjoy this!" the Guard shouted, whipping her over and over again with all his strength, eliciting a moan from the overthrown princess every time she was whipped.

"What do you expect, Guard? Someone in your position must know what my tastes are." Celestia pointed out.

The Guard pondered on this for a couple of seconds. "Well, shit." he said.

"Now that I think about it... my sister is probably enjoying her punishment." Luna mused.

"Sounds kinky." Spiderman said.

"You have no idea." Luna said, "I never got your name."

"His name is Spiderman, Princess." Lyra said.

"Ah! Well, Mr. Spiderman, I would be honored if you could accompany to dinner at the palace tomorrow." the Princess stated.

"You guys have vindaloo curry?" Spiderman asked.

"We have everything." Luna answered.

"Fucking sweet." our hero said.

"Well, I'll see you around, Mr. Spiderman." Luna said, turning around and making her way towards the exit. However, she stopped and turned towards where Queen Chrysalis and Discord were sitting, who were doing their best to hide from the Princess. They were failing epically.

"Ah! It's good to see you two." the Princess said, making her way over to the table.

"What do you want?" Queen Chrysalis hissed.

"I want to bury the hatchet." Luna stated, earning confused looks from both Discord and Chrysalis.

"What do you mean?" Discord asked, "we're both villains to you ponies."

"Villains to Celestia, Discord, but not to me." Luna pointed out. "You will find you two are very much welcome in Equestria now that Celestia has been overthrown and I am now in charge. Due to my secret hate of my sister, I had much respect for your attack on Canterlot, Chrysalis. And Discord, you really didn't do anything wrong in the first place. I would like to invite you two to dine with me and Spiderman tomorrow."

"Ooo! A double date? I like where this is going." Discord said.

"Who said anything about a date, dumbass?" Chrysalis hissed, slugging the draconequus in the shoulder before turning back to the Princess, "we'll be there. There better not be any trouble waiting for us, Luna."

"Oh please, you give me too much credit, Chrysalis. You two would be dead already if I wanted you two gone." Luna stated.

"She does raise a good point." Discord pointed out.

"Fine. See you there, Princess." Queen Chrysalis said.

"Oh, you will. Just a word of advice; you two should probably dress fancy. Good bye, my old enemies." Luna said, before making her way out of the Mcdonalds.

Boats and ho's without the boats

The sun had just finished setting behind the mountain the city of Canterlot was built into as Spiderman arrived at the palaces front gate. With him were Rarity, Fluttershy, and Lyra, who were all dressed in fancy gowns of varying colors, while our hero was dressed in his Spidey outfit, because he doesn't give a fuck about dressing in fancy attire.

You may be asking yourself why our hero has the mares with him. Well, let's just say our hero doesn't go anywhere without his ho's.

"Bitches and hoes are like new clothes," Spiderman and Fluttershy (you read that right) sang together in perfect harmony, "once you bought em, you wish you never got em."

"Fluttershy, wherever did you hear such a dreadful song?" Rarity asked.

"The zebra's that live in the dirty part of Ponyville listen to it all the time." Fluttershy answered innocently.

"Oh... why yes, of course." Rarity said awkwardly, as they approached the Guard waiting for them at the front gate.

"Halt! What is your business here?" the Guard asked.

"Lawl I dunno." Spiderman responded, earning a strange look from the Guard.

"Listen, I need to know why-"

"God dammit, Guard! Just let them in!" Luna called from the palace.

"Yes ma'am!" he shouted back, before waving the group in. Spiderman and Fluttershy flipped him the bird and the four walked in through the front gates together.

Meanwhile, in the palace, Discord was rolling around on the floor, laughing his ass off. No literally, his ass flew off of his body, and was flying around the room like it had a mind of its own.

"Did you see that?!" Discord demanded from Chrysalis and Luna, who were looking at him strangely, "Fluttershy just flipped off that guard! Fucking priceless!"

While Discord continued to laugh hysterically, Chrysalis and the princess turned to each other.

"I still can't believe we wore the same dress..." Luna mused. Indeed, both the changeling and the alicorn were wearing the same exactly black dress.

"You planned this, didn't you?" Chrysalis asked, glaring at the princess.

"Bitch please!" Luna said, waving off the changeling queen, "you give me WAY too much credit."

"Hay." Spiderman said as he walked into the room with the other mares.

"Eyyyy Spidey." Discord greeted, flashing our hero the double thumbs up. In return, Spiderman extended two middles fingers his way, sending Fluttershy and Discord into hysterics.

Suddenly, Spiderman reached into his non-existent pocket and pulled out a strange device out of it. The device started beeping like crazy.

"Oh shit..." Spiderman muttered.

"What is it?" Lyra asked.

"My faggot detector is off the charts." Spiderman answered, sending everyone in the room (save for Chrysalis, who is a stuck up bitch, and Rarity, who is too 'refined' to laugh over such a crude joke) into hysterics.

As most of the horses in the rooms laughed their flanks off, a horse wearing a chefs hat walked into the room.

"The food is ready." the chef said, before leaving the room as fast as he appeared.

"So, this mobster comes out of no where and just punches me out, while he was singing a song." Spiderman said, causing everyone at the table to laugh, "the lyrics went something like, 'you've been hit by, you've been struck by a smooth criminal.'"

"So what did you do, Spidey?" Discord asked.

"Yes, please do tell." Rarity pleaded. Everyone was interested in our heroes story. Hell, even Chrysalis gave a fuck for once.

"What did I do?" Spiderman asked, "I kicked him in the balls. Then I said, 'here are your options: fuck you, I'm Spiderman!', before throwing him out the window."

"That's a clever one, Spidey. Here are your options: Fuck you, I'm Discord!" Discord said, causing everyone at the table to laugh.

However, our hero wasn't pleased. He was about to tell Discord to kindly fuck off, but he felt a burning sensation in his gut. He immediately knew what was wrong.

"Gotta dash!" Spiderman called out, jumping up on the table and running across it, knocking a bunch of plates onto the floor and into the air, before swinging across the room with his web. Suddenly, the bottom of his Spidey suit ripped open, before hot diarrhea spewed all over the room, luckily not hitting any of the other dinner guests.

The reactions to this were mixed: Rarity fainted out of pure disgust, Lyra sat there with a 'wut' expression on her face, Luna and Chrysalis both gagged and looked away, and Discord and Fluttershy fell out of their chairs, laughing.

Spiderman ran out of the room and around the corner. He leaned against the wall, doubling over from the pain.

"Oh God why did I order the vindaloo curry?" Spiderman asked himself.

Fuck I'm high

Luna yawned as she and Spiderman walked out of the princesses bed chambers and into the dining hall, which was still being cleaned up after Spiderman shat all over it. The head of the palaces janitorial team told the princess that the clean up would be done by the end of the day, but the smell would stay around for weeks.

"Lawl I shouldn't have ate that vindoola curry." Spiderman said as they walked through the shit covered dining hall.

"Yes... it would appear that it has caused the perfect... shitstorm." Luna said, before putting on a pair of sunglasses.

"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!" someone shouted from another room.

"What was that?" Spiderman asked. He may not give a fuck about anything, but he did get curious.

"You do not want to know." Luna responded as the two walked into the kitchen, which was untouched by Spiderman's shitstorm, "let's bake some brownies."

"Pot brownies?" Spiderman asked hopefully.

"No... we do not have cannabis in the palace. But..." Luna began to say as she turned around to face our hero with a mischievous smirk on her face, "I do know a place where we can get some."

It was a hot summer afternoon, so hot that it would like be unbearable for the average pony. But, it wasn't nearly too hot for an athletic pony like Applejack. Applejack trotted up to an apple tree and turned around, before bucking it with all her strength, causing the apples hidden upon its branches to fall out of the tree and land in the buckets below.

She walked away from the tree and overlooked the southern orchard. She had been bucking for the past two hours, and she was already done with today's work. Well, she didn't do all the work. Actually, that was the only tree she bucked. The zebras that "agreed" to work their for their lives handled most of the work.

"Greetings, fair Applejack." someone from behind the orange horse greeted. Applejack turned around and spotted Princess Luna standing there with a tall bi-pedal creature wearing a red and blue spandex suit. How did Applejack know it was spandex, you might ask? Let's just say she has had enough encounters with Princess Celestia to know what spandex looks like.

"Well howdy der Princess," Applejack responded, "who's yer friend?"

"Oh, he's Spiderman. Don't worry, he's cool." Luna promised.

"Hay." Spiderman greeted.

Applejack stared at him strangely for a couple seconds. "Ya sure he ain't wearing a wire?" Applejack asked.

"Yeah... pretty sure..." Luna said awkwardly, before deciding to change the subject, "how's the crop going?"

"Better than ever, princess. In fact, apple production is up seventy two percent!" the orange horse proclaimed proudly.

"Um... Applejack... I don't mean that crop." the princess said in a low whisper. Luna knew damn well that the local police department had been investigating the Apple family for years, as Celestia knew of their cannabis crop. Sadly, they never found any proof, but they still watch the farm. The investigation would soon come to an end, as Luna was making plans to legalize marijuana, since the only reason it was made illegal because Celestia hated the smell of marijuana, much to Luna's dismay.

"Oh, you mean our... 'special' apples, right?" Applejack asked in a low whisper.

"That's right... we want some of the famous Apple family 'special brownies'." Luna whispered.

The orange horse looked around shiftily. "Ya'll sure neither of ya'll are wearing a wire?" she asked.

"Yes, I'm fucking sure we aren't wearing a wire." Luna said, facehoofing.

"Aight, I believe ya. I'll whip up a batch our best 'special brownies'. Just follow me to the Apple family homestead."

"Holy fuck I am high..." Spiderman said as he, Applejack, and Luna sat on top of a skyscraper in Manehatton. For some reason, Luna decided to teleport them there not even half an hour after the trio ingested the pot brownies Applejack had baked for them. The brownies had some strong shit in them. Hell, our hero swore he saw a car flying by.

"This is some good shit, Applejack." Luna commented, stuffing another pot brownie in her mouth.

"Only da best for ya... Princess..." Applejack responded, "fuck I'm high, let's bake some apples."

"We already did." Luna pointed out, snickering.

"Oh yeah. Celestia damn I'm high as fuck." Applejack said, snickering along with the princess.

A day in the city

Our hero smiled to himself as he swung among the rooftops of Manehattan. It was just like the skyscrapers back home.

"Spiderman!" Luna called to our hero as she flew beside him, carrying Applejack on her back.

"Lawl yeah?!" he responded.

"What are you swinging from?!" the princess asked.

Spiderman looked up and noticed his webs were just shooting into thin air. "Lawl I don't know." he responded.

"Dude, Ah'm fucking starving!" Applejack shouted.

"You got the munchies, dear Applejack?" Luna asked.

"Yeah. Ah got the fuckin munchies." Applejack responded.

"Let's get some Mcdonalds lawl." our hero suggested.

Discord sighed deeply as he turned Ponyville's water supply into chocolate milk, hoping it would piss someone off.

The loud cheer from the town arose from the nearby town, completely shutting down the embodiment of chaos' hopes and dreams.

"Are my eyes deceiving me? You don't have your stupid grin on your face? My Blarg, it must be some miracle." Chrysalis mused, smirking at the draconequus. However, her attempt to get a rise out of him failed epically.

"Meh." Discord said, facing away from the changeling.

The former queen rolled her eyes as a green flame surrounded her. The flames subsided, revealing a perfect clone of the Element of Honesty, Applejack. "What's da matter sugarcube?" 'Applejack' asked.

Discord turned towards the doppelganger with a small smile on his face. "Its..." he began, but he decided to hold his tongue in the end.

'Applejack' giggled slightly as she was once more surrounded by green flames. When the flames subsided, the Applejack clone was replaced by a clone of Twilight Sparkle. "Oh Discord, you don't have to hide your feelings from me." 'Twilight' said, lying beside the embodiment of chaos.

Yet another heavy sigh escaped Discords lips. "For the first time ever... I think I'm bored of causing chaos." Discord said.

"What?" 'Twilight' asked, before she morphed back into Queen Chrysalis.

"I'm bored of causing chaos." Discord repeated, "ever since Celestia was overthrown, and Luna accepted us with open hooves, I haven't been able to get anypony to react to any of my pranks. Hell, they actually embrace it! They're loving my chaos."

"But I thought you would enjoy the ponies of Equestria loving your chaos." Chrysalis said.

"No! I crave the negative reactions! But now... nopony is reacting. There is literally no point in my existence now." Discord said, pouting.

Discords eyes shot open as she felt something wrap around his waste. He glanced down to spot a pair of black hole filled legs wrapped around his waste. The draconequus couldn't believe his eyes. The literal definition of heartless bitch was HUGGING him. It was rather touching.

"There is more to life than chaos, Discord." Chrysalis said, her cheeks turning a bright pink as she pulled away from him, "I didn't give up on my life when my throne was stolen from me. I moved on, trying to live life as best I could. Did it turn out good. Hell no! I have been miserable for the past three months. I was lonely, and hungry, and tired. But I didn't give up, and I am proud of that."

"I see..." Discord said.

"Discord, I must admit, I really hate to see you in this state. I wish to help you, because you have helped me." Chrysalis said.

"How did I help you?" Discord asked with a raised eyebrow.

The changeling queen sighed. "Let's just say, I was rather close to death when you contacted me. If it wasn't for you, I would be dead right now." she admitted.

Discord remained silent. He merely stared at her with a blank expression on his face.

But the former queen didn't feel like waiting around for him to talk. "We need to help each other find new purposes in life, as you no longer enjoy causing chaos, and I no longer enjoy feeding off the love of unsuspecting ponies. What do you say?" she asked in surprisingly eager tone.

A small smile spread across the draconequus lips. "I think... I think I can agree to that."

The queen beamed, making a cute squeaking noise somehow as she hugged Discord as tightly as possible.

"HAH! GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!" Spiderman shouted a couple of meterosexual's walking out of Mcdonalds.

"What are you doing, Spiderman?" Princess Luna asked.

"Lawl I dunno. Let's get some fucking burgers." Spiderman said as he and the two mare accompanying him walked into the Mcdonalds.

This chapter makes me moist

“So what are we gonna do?” Discord asked, as he and Chrysalis hovered high above Ponyville, dropping water balloons on the towns inhabitants. Chrysalis honestly hated taking part in such immature activities, but she wanted Discord to feel better. Besides, she loved causing the ponies misery and suffering.

“Oh shit, I'm fucking wet!” someone, who sounded like Fluttershy, but Chrysalis couldn't be sure, called out angrily as a water balloon hit home. This sent Discord into hysterics, much like his old self.

“I don't know. Perhaps it's just that these ponies are used to your chaos. Maybe we should go somewhere else.” Chrysalis suggested, using her telekinesis to drop three more water balloons. The balloons dropped at terminal speed, exploding violently as they hit the ground, sending ponies scattering.

“Ah! What an excellent idea, my dear queen.” Discord complemented, before teleporting in front of her and taking her in his arms, hugging her tightly like she was a teddy bear, “I know the perfect place where we could go!”

“Where?” she asked weakly, barely holding back a screech of pain, as Discords hug was crushing her ribcage.

“Shhhh! It's a surprise. Close your eyes, dear!” Discord instructed. The changeling rolled her eyes before closing her eyelids shut.

After a few seconds, Discord instructed her to open her eyes. Her eyelids fluttered open, and she found herself hovering a clustered group of hundreds of skyscrapers, apartment buildings, and other buildings.

“Where are we?” Chrysalis asked, managing to squirm her way out of Discords grasp.

“Where are you, you ask? Why we are in Manehattan, of course!” Discord proclaimed.

Spiderman fled the Mcdonalds, fearing that the mob would be after him for striking down the cashier for asking him, “WOULD YOU LIKE FRIES WITH THAT, BITCH?!” But our hero was sure that even the mob that owned the Mcdonalds would agree their fries taste like absolute shit.

“Why the fuck did you do that?!” Princess Luna demanded as she and Applejack galloped after Spiderman.

“Lawl I dunno!” Spiderman shouted back, and he extended his arm out and shot a stream of web out of it. The web shot across the street and attached to a nearby apartment building, allowing the Spiderman to swing across the street and up into the air. He detached from his web and shot into the sky, landing on top of the apartment building. Seconds later, Luna landed beside him, with Applejack lying on her back.

"What do ya think ya are doin, Spidey?!" Applejack demanded as she hopped down from Luna's back, "ya can't just goin around hittin ponies like that!"

"Nigga, you can't tell me what to do. I'm Spiderman!" Spiderman retorted.

"Oh yeah, well-"

"Hold up!" Spiderman called out, "my spidey senses are tingling." Seconds after saying this, Spiderman rushed over to the edge of the building and looked over the edge. In the alley, there was what our hero guessed was a teenaged female horse surrounded by a group of rough looking stallions dressed in black.

Our hero glanced to his right and noticed Applejack looking down as well.

"Do you see this shit, Applejack?" Spiderman asked.

"Eeyup." Applejack responded with a disgusted scowl.

"We must do something!" Luna proclaimed.

"Ya'll don't say?!" Applejack stated sarcastically, earning a glare from the princess.

"...alright, here's the plan. We-"

"Alright guys, let's do this! Leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeroooooooooooooooooooooy Jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeenkiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiins!" Spiderman bellowed at the top of his lungs as he jumped off the top of his roof.

"Oh mah Celestia he just jumped in." Applejack stated.

"STICK TO THE PLAN! STICK TO THE PLAN!" Luna shouted down at Spiderman. Before Luna could say anything, Applejack jumped onto Luna's back.

"Go!" Applejack bellowed. Luna nodded and jumped off the roof, gliding down after Spiderman.

"Celestia dammit Spiderman... Celestia dammit! Spiderman, you are so stupid!" Luna shouted as they fell down towards the ground together.

"At least I got the chicken lawl." Spiderman said, as they landed in front of the rough looking horses approaching the lone teenager.

"Hay."

More humans?! Are you fucking kidding me?!

The rough looking horses glanced at each other, then glanced back at the rather random trio. The sudden appearance of their nations leader was stunning enough, but the Element of Honesty as well as a tall, bi-pedal creature with red and blue skin? It left the horses in an utter state of confusion.

"I'm bout to buck ya'll up something fierce!" Applejack growled at them, her strong leg muscles bulging as she prepared to fight. The Princess began charging up a magic missile, while Spiderman got in a weird karate pose.

"I'm Jackie Chan lawl!" our hero exclaimed.

"LEAVE! NOW!" the princess bellowed, utilizing her Royal Canterlot Voice™ to its full effect. She hoped that it would scare off these ruffians, so she and her companions wouldn't have to beat them into submission.

Luckily, the ruffians got the message and scattered, leaving the trio and a visibly shaken mare. While Princess Luna took care of the mare, Applejack turned towards our hero. "Who's Jackie Chan?" she asked.

"Lawl I dunno." Spiderman said with a shrug, pulling off his mask and biting into a burger he snatched on his way out of the McDonalds. Luckily, it wasn't shitty tofu.

"Well, what now?" Applejack asked, as Princess Luna rejoined them.

Our hero scratched his chin. "Princess, may I ask a favor of you?" he asked.

"Sure. Why not?" Princess Luna asked. Spiderman smiled as he finished off his burger, tossed aside its wrapper, and placed his mask back over his head.

Discord and Chrysalis walked into their brand new high scale penthouse, which they had recently bought for 15,000 bits (the equivalent 150,000 American dollars). The owner of the building was a little suspicious of the former villains at first, but after a little water boarding, he agreed to let them stay.

"Did you see that colt squirm?" Chrysalis said, cackling evilly.

"Yes. It was quite... satisfying." Discord said, "sometimes, I miss being evil."

Chrysalis nodded and examined the bare living room. "We could use some furniture." she said.

"Already ahead of you, my queen." Discord said, snapping his fingers. The moment he snapped his fingers, the entire living room became fully furnished.

Only...

"Discord... mind explaining why you put all the furniture on the ceiling?" the former queen asked.

"Oh, you know, I just love a little... chaos." Discord said, floating up to one of the couches attached to the ceiling and lying down on it, despite the fact it completely broke the laws of physics.

"Discord?" Chrysalis asked.

"Yeah?"

"You had one job. You had one job... ONE JOB! And you fucked it up. Why?" Chrysalis asked, glaring at the draconequus.

"Because, my dear Chrysalis, fucking up is chaotic. Don't you agree?" Discord asked.

The Changeling rolled her eyes and grinned at him seductively. "Please Discord, put the furniture where it belongs. I'll do anything..."

Discord scratched his chin thoughtfully. "Anything, you say?" he asked.

"Mhmm." she responded with a sly smile.

The Scout sprinted across the rooftop and leaped through the air, landing effortlessly on another rooftop before continuing to sprint away, cradling the RED Teams intelligence in his arms. He glanced over his shoulder and noticed a RED Sniper pointing his rifle directly at him.

“Gotchya you wanker!” the Sniper shouted, before his sniper rifle discharged. The scout closed his eyes, waiting for his imminent death. Sure, he would come back to life in a few seconds, but being dead sucked.

However, death never came. The Scout opened his eyes to find a shield made of badly animated webs in front of him.

“Hay.” a familiar voice said from behind him. The Scout turned around and spotted 60's Era Spiderman standing there, with a purple portal swirling behind him.

“Yo Spidey!” the Scout greeted, before slapping the superhero some skin, “how's the only RED I'll ever tolerate doing today?”

“Oh, you know, just hanging.” Spiderman said with a casual shrug, “hey man, I got some ho's on the other end of this portal looking for some fun. You want in?”

The Scout glanced down at the briefcase he was cradling in his arms, before looking over the edge of the roof he and our hero were standing on. There sat a BLU Engineer, casually watching as his sentries ripped apart any RED that dared step in front of them.

“Yo! Heads up!” the Scout shouted to him, before dropping the RED intelligence down from the roof, narrowly missing the Engineers head. The Engineer appeared surprised at first as he looked up and spotted the Scout.

The Engineer smiled. “Thank ya kindly partner!” he shouted up to the Scout, picking up the RED intelligence and running off with it.

The Scout turned back to our hero. “Alright, let's go.” he said.

“Lawl k.” our hero said, as he and the Scout jumped through the portal.

“Oh! My chaos senses are tingling!” Discord announced as he and Chrysalis jumped up and down in a giant bounce castle that the embodiment of chaos put on top of the building they were staying in.

“What does that mean?” Chrysalis asked.

“It means something chaotic was just introduced into this world." Discord answered, before doing a backflip and climbing out of the bounce castle. "Come on, let's go get some dinner. I'm starved."

Chrysalis smiled. "I couldn't agree more." she said.

This is me... not givin' a fuck

[Authors Note - Sorry about the late chapter. I went on leave and spent a few days doing research in a mental asylum, as I have a new idea for a story.]

The BLU Scout shook his head rapidly as he and our hero stepped out of the portal.

“Ah! God damn!” the Scout exclaimed, falling to his knees and pressing his palms against the side of his head as he screamed out in pain, “God damn, that hurts!”

“Lawl you'll live.” Spiderman said.

The Scout opened his eyes and looked up at the two horses standing over him. “Yo, are these our rides?” the Scout asked.

“Ah beg yer pardon?” Applejack asked, glaring at the scrawny Bostonian. Luna blushed heavily, while Spiderman fell back, laughing his ass off.

“Woah! Talking horses! Fuckin sweet, man.” the Scout exclaimed.

“Who are you calling a horse!?” Luna demanded.

“But you are a horse.” Spiderman pointed out.

“How dare ya call the princess a horse! Who do ya think ya are?!” Applejack demanded, pushing our hero back.

“I'm Spiderman. Fuck you." Spiderman said, flipping the cowpony the bird.

Applejack jumped forward and attempted to pounce on our hero, but found herself stopped midair, surrounded by a dark blue aura.

"Dear Applejack, is that really how you should treat a friend for speaking his mind? Remember, Equestria is now a free nation, as we no longer have to deal with Celestia's tyrannical rule."

"Merica'!" the Scout chirped

"That's what's up." Spiderman said.

"Now, how about we ditch the city, and head back to Ponyville?" Luna suggested.

"Lawl k." Spiderman said, shrugging. Upon hearing this, Luna summoned a portal and ran through it, immediately followed the our hero, the Scout, and Applejack.

"Have you ever experienced the feeling of too much chaos in the world, my queen?" Discord asked, as he and the former changeling queen sat in a fancy cafe across the street from their penthouse.

"No, I can't say I have. In fact, I don't think anyone has. You're the only one here who can detect levels of chaos, you dumbass." Chrysalis hissed, before taking a large bite out of her club sandwich.

Discord rolled his eyes at the young Changeling. No, I'm not joking. The fucking Embodiment of Chaos just rolled his eyes at Chrysalis. The world must really be in chaos right now. "Well, it's like the equivalent of having a really bad headache."

"Oh? Do you think sex could cure it like a real headache?" Chrysalis asked, doing her best bedroom eyes.

"...to quote my dear friend Spiderman... I like where this is going." Discord said.

“Woah man, check out that horse!” the Scout exclaimed, pointing at a Pegasus with a rainbow mane flying around in the air.

“Pony.” Luna corrected.

“Whatever.” the Scout said, waving off the princess, which really rustled the Lunar Princesses jimmies.

“Think she's a lesbian? Not like I give a fuck.” Spiderman asked.

“Nah, Rainbow ain't a lesbian. Trust me, Ah've tried to get with er'.” Applejack stated, her cheeks turning a light shade of pink.

“Dat's hot.” our hero commented.

“I wanna find out.” the Scout said, before turning his attention back to this 'Rainbow', “Yo Skittles!”

“Who are ya callin Skittles?!” Rainbow demanded, looking down and spotting a strange, scrawny bi-pedal creature standing there, looking up at her.

“I am! You got a problem with that?!” the Scout asked. This really rustled the rainbow ponies jimmies.

“Yeah I got a problem with that!” Rainbow shouted angrily, diving down towards the scout and stopping inches from his face, before shoving her snout against his nose, “you want to fight about it?!”

The Scout simply laughed. “I don't even know where to start with you! Do you even know who you are talkin' to?” he asked.

"Wha-"

"D-do you have any idea- ANY idea who I am?" the Scout asked.

“No, I-”

"Basically,kind of a big deal.” the Scout stated nonchalantly, “and buddy... I hurt people. I'm like a force of nature, and you if you were where I was from, you'd be dead.”

The Pegasus continued hovering in front of the BLU, glaring daggers at him. Suddenly, her features lightened and she landed in front of the Scout. “You're pretty chill, dude.” she said,

“You too, Skittles. Yo, I got a question for ya.” the Scout stated, extended a clenched fist out to the pony. After a few seconds, the pony got the gist of what he wanted and bumped her hoof into his fist. Yes, this is the first brohoof/brofist between a human and a pony ever in history.

“Alright, shoot.” Rainbow said.

“Um... do you taste like rainbow?” the Scout asked her.

“What?” she asked, looking around suspiciously before leaning in to whisper in the Scout's ear, “did Applejack put you up to this?”

“No, I just wanna taste the rainbow. You know, like in the freakin commercials.” the Scout said in an innocent voice.

“TASTE THE RAINBOW.” a deep voice rumbled in the distance.

While the Scout and Rainbow talked, our hero managed to sneak away from the ponies and his friends and made his way to Fluttershy's cottage.

"Lawl takin' back my story." Spiderman said, creeping his way up the dirt road leading to Fluttershy's cottage.

“Time for num nums, Angel.” Fluttershy said, timidly scooting a bowl of assorted fruits and vegetables in front of the snow white rabbit. He glared at the yellow Pegasus, the glanced down at the food, and then stick his tongue out, pushing the meal away as his face turned an unnatural shade of green.

“Oh..., please eat it Angel. Please? For me?” Fluttershy pleaded, her eyes glistening with tears. However, the little asshole slapped her across the face and kicked the bowl over, spilling the assorted vegetables and fruits all over the floor.

Then, Fluttershy's eye twitched. She stomped her hoof on the floor hard enough to make the ground shake as she looked down at the little snow white rabbit with an angry glare. “Alright, you little shit. You don't want to eat the food I slave over to cook for you? Then you need to get the fuck out of my house. Right now, you little asshole!”

Angel stood there with a face that expressed that he pretty much didn't give a fuck as he promptly flipped the butter yellow Pegasus the finger.

In response, Fluttershy ran past the bunny and opened the door, before running back in front of the bunny and picked up a bright orange combat shotgun that was leaning up against the wall, before aiming it at Angel. “You want to play that way? OKAY! Say hello to my little friend!” she exclaimed, cocking the shotgun and pulling back the trigger. The shotgun discharged, and a beanbag round shot out right at the rabbit, hitting him square in the head and sending him flying out of the cottage. He continued to fly, before crashing into the ground beside our hero, Spiderman.

“Lawl he dead.” Spiderman mused, as kicking the bunnies corpse aside and making his way up to Fluttershy's cottage. Fluttershy sat on her couch, loading a fresh beanbag round into her shotgun.

“Hay.” Spiderman greeted.

“Oh!” Fluttershy squeaked, before leaning her beanbag shotgun up against the couch, “well hello, Spiderman.”

“He dead lawl.” Spiderman stated, taking a seat beside the butter yellow Pegasus.

“Oh, I know... lawl...” Fluttershy said with a timid smile

“He was a little asshole.” our hero said.

“Um... no shit Sherclop.” he said, as she lay her head on our heroes lap, sighing contently.

“I like where this is going.” Spiderman said.

“Me too.” Fluttershy stated.

“That's what's up.”

The Infamous Fuck

Spiderman sat on Fluttershy's couch, with the butter yellow pegasus that our hero has become so fond of lying in his lap. The only thing bad about the moment was the fact that the couch, like the rest of the house, was covered in bird shit and rabbit droppings. It also smelt of fermented piss and moldy cheese. The fact the now tainted pegasus could live in this shithole was beyond our hero.

"Fluttershy?" our hero asked.

"Yes...?" she responded, glancing up at him.

"I have something for you." Spiderman said. Fluttershy smiled and sat up as our hero started to dig through his Spidey suits non-existent pockets. Finally, he pulled something out and placed it on the coffee table in front of them.

"Old Spice?" she asked, confused.

"Oh lawl, that's not it." our hero said, as he continued his search. Finally, he found what he was looking for. He pulled it out of his pocket and presented it to the butter yellow pegasus.

"I found exactly one fuck," Spiderman said, holding out the shimmering, star shaped object to Fluttershy, "it is my gift to you."

Fluttershy gasped, her cheeks turning a deep shade of crimson. She knew damn well that what our hero just did was like the equivalent of a stallion asking a mare to marry him.

"Oh... my..." Fluttershy squeaked.

"And then, all the readers thought that Chrysalis and Discord banged! But in reality, they have not banged at all! At least, not yet!" Pinkie Pie exclaimed to Twilight, who glared at her pink friend with the intensity of a thousand suns.

"Pinkie, I honestly-"

"Then, Spidey goes to another DIMENSION and picks up his buddy, the Scout!" Pinkie went on, ignoring Twilight.

"Pinkie?" Twilight asked.

"Yes?" Pinkie Pie responded.

"What are you doing?"

"Explaining this fanfiction to you."

"Pinkie?"

"Yes Twilight?"

"Stop."

"Okay." Pinkie Pie said, deflating for a second, before returning to her old, joyous self. "Hey Twilight, Applejack sent me some of her 'special' brownies yesterday. You want some?"

Twilight watched with a disgusted look as the pink party pony reached into her vagina (you read that right), dug around in it for a few seconds, then pulled out a small bag containing a dozen or so brownies.

"Umm..." Twilight said, barely holding back her vomit, "no thanks."

"Okay!" Pinkie Pie chirped happily as she opened her mouth wide enough to make Issac Neuton have a fit, before emptying the bag of pot brownies that probably smelt heavily of Pinkie Pie's stinky cunt into her mouth.

It was at the moment, Twilight emptied the contents of her stomach on the floor.

"wut," said everyone who just finished reading that part.

"Woooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaah! Another human!" Lyra exclaimed upon spotting Rainbow Dash and the Scout hanging out in the town center, who were casually sitting back and talking over a couple of bottles of Dos Equis. Dos Equis, officially sponsored by the Wonderbolts and BLU Team.

"Yo wassup?" the Scout asked as the mint green unicorn approached him and his companion with the rainbow mane.

"When did you get here?" Lyra asked, taking a seat beside the two blue individuals.

"Earlier today. Spidey brought me." the Scout said, "Yo, do you know if Skittles here tastes like rainbow?"

"Oh! That's my cue." Chuck Norris said, still watching the chaos Spiderman was creating in Ponyville. He took a deep breath and shouted, "TASTE THE RAINBOW," at the top of his lungs. His voice was so powerful, it caused earthquakes and avalanches. Hell, it actually caused a fucking mountain to crumble.

All thanks to the power of Old Spice Odor Blocker.

"Um... like rainbow?" Lyra asked, confused by what the Scout was trying to get at.

"You know, like skittles. The candy?" the Scout pointed out.

"Umm... what are skittles?" Rainbow Dash asked.

The BLU Scout remained silent for a few moments, staring blankly at the two ponies. "Wait... are you telling me you guys don't have skittles here?" he asked.

The two ponies shook their heads no.

"Unfreakinbelievable!" the Scout exclaimed in shock.

Time to drink my own piss

Shortly after le sexy time...

For the first time ever in history, Spiderman did not flee the house of some floozy who agreed to let him bang her, and in one occasion not to ever be spoken of, him. For this time, Spiderman actually gave a fuck about the female he gave a fuck to (if you catch my drift).

Of course, the overwhelming stench of animal shit and fermenting piss made our hero want to flee the cottage of his beloved, but he couldn't find himself able to. His feelings for Fluttershy were too powerful to-

"Lawl fuck that." Spiderman said, climbing out of Fluttershy's bed.

But-

"Fuck you, narrator." our hero said, flipping the narrator the bird before jumping out the window.

All the while, Fluttershy sat up in her bed, confused by what just unfolded.

"Um... what the fuck?" she asked no one in particular as she climbed out of her bed and walked into her bathroom. After fixing up her hair and taking a pregnancy test (the thing she pissed on was strangely shaped like Bear Grylls head), she climbed down the steps and made her way out the door, where our hero was waiting.

"Hay." Spiderman greeted.

"Oh... um... hey." Fluttershy responded with squee. Spiderman wasn't really sure how she made that noise for just smiling, but our hero honestly didn't give a fuck.

"So what now?" our hero asked.

"Um..." Fluttershy began as she thought about what to say, "we should... um... *mutter* *mutter*."

"Lolwut?" our hero asked.

"We should... um... rob a bank." Fluttershy said with yet another squee.

"I like where this is going." Spiderman commented, as the butter yellow pegasus pulled an AK-47 seemingly out of no where and handed it to our hero. She then pulled out an identical AK out of her anal cavities (it smelt like horse shit) and slammed a magazine into it.

"Let's do this." Fluttershy said.

"I still can't believe everyone thinks we're having sex." Discord commented, as he poked a finger through one of the many holes in Chrysalis's leg.

"Well... you are technically fingerbanging me." Chrysalis pointed out, her cheeks a deep crimson as she bit down on her bottom lip.

"No... I'm sticking a finger your thing." Discord said, rolling his eyes at her ignorance.

"Well, actually Discord, in my culture, doing something like this is fingerbanging." Chrysalis said, "our holes are actually... very sensitive."

"Yeah well- wait... then who are the ones typically fingerbanging you in your society?" Discord asked, glancing down at the former Queen's hooves.

"Well, Discord, allow me to give you a bit of a history lesson." Chrysalis began, "After your imprisonment, Celestia decided that the rest of your species, despite their peaceful nature, were also dangerous. So she went to war with your entire species, sending her soldiers all over the globe to kill off your species. After witnessing this, my mother, who was the Queen before me, decided to step in and try to stop Celestia's genocide. Sadly, our drones were no match for her elite Solar Infantry, and she then decided to try to wipe out the changelings as well."

A single tear ran down Chrysalis's cheek. "I was merely ten years old when my mother was slaughtered without mercy by a team of Solar Commandos. I was made queen shortly after that. I held such anger, such hate for ponykind in general, and wanted nothing more to hunt down Celestia and cut her throat open, but my mother would have wanted me to continue her efforts to save her species."

"So I decided that to save both of our species, we had to gather together and go underground, where Celestia's Solar Infantry would hold no power. Not soon after, our cultures began to combine with each other, and interspecies relations began to pop up. And at some point, my younger sister, Princess Syphilis, fell in love with a young draconequus, who was named Disco. So, one night, he decided that it might be interesting to try fingerbanging the holes in her hooves. Apparently, it was a very... pleasurable experience for my sister, and word of the act spread quickly. And now, a draconequus fingerbanging his changeling lover is a very normal thing for a couple to do."

"Oh. Well I see." Discord said, still moving his finger around inside of the hole. Suddenly, the disembodiment of chaos's eyes lit up with realization.

"Did you say Disco?" Discord asked excitedly.

"Yeah. Why?" Chrysalis asked, doing her best not to moan.

A wide, toothy grin spread across Discord's face. "Disco is my cousin. He, not unlike myself, is a very powerful draconequus."

"Oh? Well, you are the mortal representation of chaos. What is Disco the representation of?" Chrysalis asked, confused by the sudden change in events.

"Disco is what my species know as the Element of Funk. God damn, did that guy know how to dance. The fact that he chose your sister over the many hot females of our species is beyond me." Discord explained, scratching his beard.

Chrysalis felt offended by this, and was about to defend her sister's honor when Discord suddenly inched closer to her and looked closely at her face, examining it like a detective would examine a clue. "Actually... if your sister looks anything like you do, I could see why he chose her over our females."

"Oh... um... well, thank you for the compliment." Chrysalis said, her lips pursed into a small smile.

"It isn't a problem. Now, I must ask, what happened to them?" Discord inquired.

The former Changeling queen scratched her chin with one of her hole filled hooves. "They moved to Equestria shortly after Luna returned and convinced Celestia to end her genocidal efforts. I believe they now own a very successful club called 'Studio 69' here in Manehattan." Chrysalis answered.

"Hey Chryalis?" Discord inquired, pulling his finger out of her hole, much to her dismay.

"What?" she asked, annoyed that her pleasure had been brought to an end.

"Want to go to the disco?" he asked.

Fuck, I'm running out of chapter names

"So what are skittles, anyways?" Rainbow Dash asked the BLU Scout, who was still in shock over the fact that the world he was stuck on lacked his favorite candy.

"They're like M&M's, only fruit flavored instead of chocolate. They also are covered with a thin, but hard sugar layer with the letter S on it. They're freakin awesome, man." the Scout explained.

"Sounds good." Lyra commented as she licked her lips.

"Alright... I just have one more question." said the pegasus with the rainbow mane.

"And that is?" the scout inquired.

"What are M&M's?" Rainbow Dash asked.

The BLU Scout facepalmed and groaned in frustration. "This is going to be a long day." he muttered.

The doors of the First National Bank of Canterlot burst open as Fluttershy and our hero charged into the room, equipped with AK-47's. The ponies inside the bank all looked at the couple in shock.

"Put your hooves up in the air!" Fluttershy shouted at the rich snooty ponies as she fired a volley of 7.62's into the air, "I mean... if you're alright with that."

Some of the rich snooty ponies started laughing at the pathetic excuse for a bank robber. In response, Fluttershy trained her AK on the rich assholes and unloaded her magazine on them.

"Fucking rich assholes..." Fluttershy spat, glaring at the other rich ponies, who were now cowering in fear, staring in shock at the corpses of their fellow upperclasspones and the Element of Kindness.

Suddenly, a white pony with an erection sticking out of its long golden mane stood up and started walking up to the yellow pony. "You wouldn't dare shoot a prince. You would be hunted to down and hung."

Fluttershy smiled, as she stared down the prince she recognized as Prince Blueblood. "You're wrong. For one, everypony hates you. And two..."

Fluttershy pulled back the trigger, putting a 7.62 in the prince's head. "I would shoot you either way." she said, before turning her AK on the other rich ponies and unloading on them, killing each and every one of them in seconds.

Not giving a fuck about Fluttershy obviously having a raging hard on for randomly killing ponies, Spiderman waltzed his way over to the closest teller and pointed his AK at her, eliciting a blood curdling scream from her.

"Lawl hi." Spiderman greeted.

"H-hi." the teller responded shakily.

"The money." our hero ordered simply.

"O-okay..." the teller said, before pressing the silent alarm and walking over the vault. Spiderman followed her closely, watching as she entered in the password (it was '1234') and opened the vault.

"Thanks, I guess lawl." Spiderman said, before bringing the butt of his AK down on the head of the mare, knocking her out cold.

As Discord and Chrysalis stepped through the entrance of Studio 69, their eardrums were assaulted by a remix of Blondie's 'Rapture' playing at full blast. It was loud enough to almost make the couple's eardrums rupture.

"Holy shit, that's loud!" Chrysalis exclaimed in shock. Discord merely rolled his eyes and waved the former Changeling queen to follow him.

Chrysalis shrugged her wings and followed the draconequus, who was making his way towards a door that was labelled 'management.'

There stood a large, muscular stallion with a handlebar mustache and a swastika tattooed on his arm. "What the fuck do you want?" he asked in a macho voice.

"I'm looking for my brother Disco." Discord said.

The bouncer glared at the disembodiment of chaos. "I ain't ever heard of no brother. Get the fuck out of here." he said, shoving away the draconequus. Before the bouncer and Discord could even blink, Chrysalis rushed forward and shoved the bouncer against the door, putting a combat knife up against his throat.

"Do that again! I dare you!" Chrysalis hissed as she watched the blade start to dig into the stallion's throat, "I'll spill your blood on the dance floor if you touch him one more time!"

"Alright, alright, calm down girl!" the bouncer exclaimed.

"Now you're going to go up there and fetch his brother for him! You got it, you little bitch?!" the Changeling demanded, glaring daggers into the stallion's soul, before dropping him on the ground. The stallion scrambled to his hooves and ran through the door he was standing guard in front of.

A few minutes later, the door opened to reveal a draconequus dressed in a white tuxedo. He also had a jewel encrusted cane, a white top hat, and funky rainbow colored glasses.

"Discord, cousin! Where have you been?!" he asked in a heavily accented voice that sounded strangely like Roman from Grand Theft Auto IV, "It's been centuries!"

"I was imprisoned by Celestia, remember cousin?" Discord asked.

"Oh yes. And I see you are with the Queen! Ha! I guess we really are going to be banging sisters together, like we always talked about all those years ago, eh cousin?!" Disco asked, slugging his cousin in the shoulder.

Discord glanced over at Chrysalis, who's cheeks were now a deep shade of crimson.

"I think these sisters are a bit above group sex, Disco." Discord pointed out.

"Oh. That is a shame." Disco said, shaking his head before opened the door all the way and waving the two former villains through the door, "come in! Join me and my dear Syphilis for a drink."

"I'm down." Discord said with a shrug, as he and Chrysalis pushed their way past the Element of Disco.

Discord, cousin, let's go bowling!

[Short chapter, because fuck you guys. I don't give a fuck. Lawl.]

The loud blaring music instantly dampened as Disco closed the door behind him, though the music's beat was still hearable.

"Princess, we got guests!" Disco shouted upstairs as he, Discord, and Chrysalis made there way up the stairs.

"Who is it?!" a feminine voice shouted back from up the stairs.

"It's a surprise, my pretty little flower!" Disco shouted back.

"Pretty little flower?" Discord asked with a smirk.

"We all have pet names for our lover, cousin. I remember your pet name for that Eris chick. Very cheesy, much cheesier than 'my pretty little flower'."

A goofy grin spread across Discord's face. "Let's not go into the past in front of current company." he said, motioning to the former queen that was behind them.

A hearty laugh escaped Disco's lips. "Suit yourself, cousin!"

As the trio finished climbing the surprisingly tall stairwell, they turned the corner and walked into Disco's pad, a well funished room that overlooked the entire club, complete with a bar, high quality leather furniture, multiple trippy paintings, and a queen sized bed. Sitting at the bar was a Changeling much like Queen Chrysalis, but slightly smaller and light blue mane color.

"So who is it, darlin- Chrysalis?!" the princess exclaimed in shock upon spotting her older sister. Chrysalis soon found herself tackled to the floor by her younger sister, who was sporting a shit eating grin as she looked down at her.

"In the words of my friend Spiderman... I like where this is going." Discord said, earning a glare from Chrysalis and confused glances from Disco and Syphilis.

"Who's Spiderman?" Princess Syphilis asked.

"You have friends?" inquired Disco.

Discord ignored Disco's question and opted to answer the princesses's question. "Spiderman is a human with spider powers, who-"

"Hold on? Spider powers?" the Changeling princess asked.

"Yes. Spider powers." Discord answered.

"That's fucking stupid." Syphilis said.

"That's what I said." commented Chrysalis.

"Tell me something I don't know, princess." Discord said with a roll of his eyes, "anyways, Spiderman is pretty much causing more chaos than I ever had, but in a more subtle manner."

"How so?" Disco asked, now intrigued by this 'Spiderman'.

"Are you familiar with the Element of Kindness, cousin?" asked Discord.

"Of course. As the Element of Funk, I must be familiar with all the other elements. All two hundred and sixty nine of them." Disco said.

"Then you are aware of how much of a timid pussy the Element of Kindness is, right?" Discord inquired.

"Who isn't?" sneered Chrysalis.

Disco ignored her. "Yeah, I'm aware of how much of a fuckin pussy she is. Where are you going with this, cousin?" he asked.

"In one day, Spiderman's mere presence around her turned her from the timid pussy we know her as into a vulgar, outgoing party maniac, who doesn't give a fuck about anything. I witnessed her singing a song about bitches, hoes, and clothes, and flipping off a Royal Guard. He literally changes a ponies personality, and as far as I can tell, it's permanent."

"That's pretty legit." Syphilis commented.

"It is." Discord agreed, "now, how about that drink?"

Meanwhile, Chuck Norris sat upon his golden throne up in heaven, watching the Chappelle Show.

"Fuck yo coach, nigga, fuck yo coach!" exclaimed Rick James as he jumped up and down on a couch, ruining it with his dirty shoes.

"Man... black people are so funny..." Chuck Norris commented.

"I got the money lawl!" Spiderman called out to Fluttershy as he walked out of the vault, a duffel bag filled with golden bits stapped over his back.

"...yay..." Fluttershy cheered, as she put a bullet into the final snooty rich pony, who was just insulting Fluttershy's choice of ski mask only seconds ago.

Literally, all of these snooty rich ponies died because they don't know a thing about self-moderation. They can't keep their fucking snooty mouths shut.

"Lawl they all dead." commented Spiderman as he and Fluttershy made their way out of the bank...

...only to get tackled by four Royal Guards, beaten to a pulp, pepper sprayed, and tased repeatedly.

And Spiderman didn't give a single fuck.

Meanwhile, Gaston's dick gave out after popping five viagras.

It wasn't my idea!

Our hero awoke to find himself in a cold, dirty cell, accompanied by a beaten and battered Fluttershy, who was sniveling in the corner, curled up a ball.

Spiderman would say it was cute, but quite honestly, he didn't give much of a fuck what was cute and what wasn't.

"Nobody knows the trouble I've seen," Spiderman sang in an unusually deep voice, which got Fluttershy's attention, causing her the peak her head up and look at our hero, "Nobody knows but Jesus..."

"Who's Jesus?" Fluttershy asked in her innocence.

"Err..." Spiderman began to answer, thinking back to his misadventures with Black Jesus.

"Charge!" Swiper the Fox exclaimed as he rushed forward, shouldering his MP5 and firing off a burst into the closest enemy diamond dog, as it attempted to blow Swiper's brains out. Two members of the 101st Pegasi Division landed beside him, shouldering their SCAR's and unloading on the diamond dogs that were surrounding them.

It was the final stand of the Equestrian forces in Manehattan, as Black Jesus, 60's Era Spiderman, and Swiper the Fox led the remnants of the 101st Pegasi Division and the 1st Lunar Marine Unit in a valiant fight against an army of griffons and diamond dogs.

Only, they were hopelessly outnumbered, outgunned, and were completely surrounded.

"What are we gonna do?!" a nearby Marine asked our hero, as they sat in a trench together.

"Lawl I dunno, and I don't give a fuck." Spiderman said, as he climbed out of the trench and swung over to where Black Jesus was, who was charging at a group of griffons with his trademark weapon in hand, a Covenant energy sword. The griffons trained their rifles on him and fired everything they could at the messiah, but, thanks to the power of Old Spice, Black Jesus was practically bullet proof. As he closed the distance, Black Jesus went to work, slicing and dicing through the enemies, until the last corpse fell to the ground in a bloodied heap.

"Lawl do it again." Spiderman commented.

Black Jesus turned towards our hero and smiled wearily. "Hello, my friend."

"Hay." our hero responded.

Black Jesus sighed and looked down the street that they were standing on, where a fierce battle was raging between a few squads of the 101st Pegasi Division and what appeared to be an entire battalion of diamond dogs. "My friend, these are trying times that we live in."

"No shit sherclop." Spiderman commented.

Black Jesus ignored our hero. "I do know we will be victorious in the end, but to win, we must get help from other sources. Spiderman, I want you to go back to Badly Animated New York City and gain the friendship of your enemies, so they will agree to help us."

"Lawl k." Spiderman said.

With a snap of his fingers, a large portal opened up in front of our hero. "Go through the portal, my friend. The fate of Equestria rests in your hands." the messiah said.

"Lawl I don't give a fuck." Spiderman said, before he swooshed into the portal.

After a few moments, Black Jesus heard someone walking up behind him. He turned around and spotted Princess Luna standing there, clad in the Equestrian military's standard uniform, carbine in hoof.

"Do you really think he'll succeed?" she asked.

"No." Black Jesus said with a sigh, "but it better if we have him out of our hair. Now come on, those dogs won't kill themselves."

"Great." the princess said, as she and Black Jesus started sprinting down the street, where the 101st Pegasi Division was awaiting some much needed backup.

"Black Jesus is the son of God. And he is my friend." Spiderman answered, as he pulled his Old Spice Champion out of his non-existent pockets and pulled off his Spidey suit's top, showing off his awe inspiring 8 pack abs. He then applied the Champion to his armpits, then drew a cross on his chest using the Old Spice.

"He taught me, as well as many others, to believe on our smelf, as well as each other and in the power of Old Spice." Spiderman went on as he threw his Spidey suit's top back on, "truly, he is the greatest man to ever exist."

"Really?" Fluttershy asked in awe.

"Lawl I dunno." Spiderman answered.

Suddenly, the door leading to the dungeon (that's what Spiderman guessed he was in; not like he gave a fuck, though) creaked open as a familiar Royal Guard walked in.

This familiar Royal Guard walked up towards the cell and smacked our hero in the face.

"What the hell?! It was HER idea... not mine!" our hero exclaimed, as Fluttershy just looked sadly up at the Guard.

"Shut up!" the Guard spat angrily, "Because of you, I've been demoted to a measly Guard."

"Wait... I know I've seen you before... you're that faggot at the Mcdonalds! Who got slapped the fuck out by Luna!"

"I'm not a faggot! I've got a wife!" Shining Armor shouted at our hero angrily.

"Lawl it's time to come out of the closet, faggot." our hero said.

Shining Armor's eye twitched as he pulled a revolver out of its holster and put it to Spiderman's head. "That's it! I'm going to fucking kill you!"

"Oh look! This faggot thinks he's tough shit!" Spiderman exclaimed.

As Shining Armor began to pull back on the trigger, he felt the gun ripped from his grasp. He looked towards the door and found a very pissed off Princess Luna standing in the doorway, aiming his gun at him.

"You're fired." she said, before putting a bullet in his head.

Aw shit nigga!

*BANG*

Spiderman and Fluttershy watched as the faggot Royal Guard named Shining Armor fell to the ground, a large hole in his head.

Fluttershy, despite the fact she just mowed down about two dozen ponies without mercy, was horrified.

Our hero, on the other hand, had the exact opposite reaction.

"Do that again, lawl." Spiderman said as Luna made her way over to the cell door and threw it open with her magic.

"I would love to, Spiderman, but I can't kill the same pony twice." Luna said as she tossed the revolver away and made room for our hero and his butter yellow pegasus friend.

"Do it anyways." Spiderman said as he and Fluttershy walked out of the cell. Fluttershy was still in shock, her face without any emotion whatsoever.

"Are you alright, dear Fluttershy?" Luna inquired.

"Um... I don't give a fuck." Fluttershy answered as she trotted over to Shining Armor's body and stole his wallet.

"So, besides hanging out with this Spiderman character, how have you been, cousin?" Disco asked as he finished rolling up a blunt, before lighting it and putting it up to his lips. He inhaled deeply before exhaling, blowing smoke in Syphilis's face. This elicited a giggle and a cough from the Changeling princess.

"Oh, you know, causing chaos, fingerbanging Chrysalis's things," he said, before glancing over at the former Changeling queen, whose face was literally red with a mixture of embarrassment and anger, "same shit, different day."

"Sounds like a lot of fun. We should go bowling sometime, cousin." Disco suggested.

"Not until we find a new way of life." Chrysalis said, glaring at Discord.

"Oh?" Syphilis said.

"Well... since Spiderman is pretty much doing Discord's job for him, and I've been overthrown and exiled from my kingdom, we need to find a new direction in life."

Disco and Syphilis shared a quick glance before Disco leaned forward, holding his half smoken blunt out to Chrysalis and Discord.

"You see this blunt?" he asked.

"Yeah." Discord said.

"The weed in this is some good shit. I grow it myself, and sell it for about 200 bits a pound." Disco said as he passed it over to his cousin, whom promptly puffed on it a few times for passing it back, "I could use a couple of sellers, cousin. What do you say?"

"I'd prefer not to, Disco. I had my experience with the drug game. It's not fun." the disembodiment said with a shrug as he downed the rest of martini.

"Well... I do have another job you two could do..." Disco said as he scratched his bearded chin, "do either of you know how to handle a gun?"

Meanwhile, Twilight Sparkle and Applejack passed a blunt back and forth, getting higher and higher by the minute.

"Fuck, this is some good shit. Thanks for sharing this with me, Applejack." Twilight said with a smile.

"No problem sugarcube." Applejack responded as she passed the blunt back to Twilight, whom puffed away at it happily.

"Ah hah!"

The Scout grasped a small plastic bag and ripped it out of his backpack, showing it to Lyra and Rainbow Dash. Inside were hundreds of Skittles, just begging to be eaten.

"What are they?" Lyra asked.

"These are Skittles," the BLU Scout answer as he poured some into his hand and gave a few to his two pony companions, "I always have some in my rucksack in case of an emergency."

The two ponies glanced at each other before popping the candy into their mouths. Seconds later, their eyes popped open as they experienced a fruity flavor explosion in their mouth.

"Holy shit! That's amazing!" Lyra exclaimed.

"I hope I do taste like this!" Rainbow Dash exclaimed loudly, earning strange glances from the ponies in the surrounding area.

"Yo, this is gettin boring, we should go do something." the Scout said as he put his Skittles back in his rucksack.

"Like what?" Lyra asked.

"I don't know. What's there to do around here?" the Scout asked.

"Prank ponies." Rainbow Dash answered.

The Scout blinked. "Did you say prank?" he inquired.

"Yeah. Why?" Dash asked, suddenly kind of unsure of herself.

"Fuckin sweet! Let's do this!" the BLU Scout exclaimed.

LET ME SEE YOUR WARFACE! (End of Act I)

"One thousand and two..." Twilight Sparkle grunted as she did yet another push up, her muscles bulging and her coat completely drenched in sweat, "one thousand and three... one thousand and four..."

"Hey Twilight?" Spike called out to the suddenly athletic booknerd as he made his way into the room from the kitchen, "I was wondering if you... Twilight? Why are you doing push ups?"

"I don't know, Spike." the lavender unicorn responded as she stood up and wiped the sweat off her face with a towel, "this morning I had this urge to get off my flank and do something."

"Even after you went off and smoked pot with Applejack?" Spike asked.

"Mhmm." Twilight responded with a nod as she made her way into the kitchen, grabbing an empty glass with her telekinesis, filling it with water, and bringing it to her lips, downing it in a matter of seconds. She repeated this process several times in an attempt to quench her thirst. After getting bored of repeating this process, Twilight climbed onto the kitchen counter and lay down on her back as she leaned her head back in the sink, allowing the sink water to cascade into her mouth, as well getting her mane completely soaked.

Spike got a raging erection from this, since wet manes really turns him the fuck on, and decided to hide his shame and make his way out of the kitchen unnoticed, where he sneak up the top floor of the library and rub one out.

"Sneaky wank lawl." Spiderman said as he swooced in through an open window, scaring Twilight and causing her to hit her head on the faucet above her head.

"My eye!" Twilight screeched in pain.

"I'm sorry lawl." He wasn't. Spiderman really couldn't give two fucks.

Twilight groaned. "It's okay..."

"Lawl k." our hero said, before pulling his Android (60's Era Spiderman doesn't give a fuck about the fact the Android came out fifty or so years later, and he certainly didn't give a fuck about Apple) out of one of non-existent pockets and checked the time and day. It was 4:31 PM, and it was Sunday.

"Let's go get down." Spiderman said.

"But it isn't Friday." Twilight protested.

"Lawl I don't give a fuck. Meet you there." our hero responded before leaping out of a window, shattering it into a million pieces.

Twilight Sparkle, however, had previous engagements. As much as she would like to get down and get fucked, she couldn't exactly cancel her plans. After quickly drying off, Twilight packed her saddlebags, awkwardly walked in on Spike rubbing one out when she attempting say good bye, and trotted out the door.

The purple unicorn trotted up the street with pep in her step, her saddlebags bouncing up and down as she made her way up the street.

Suddenly, a cyan pegasus with a rainbow mane screeched overhead and dropped a bucket of water on Twilight's head, completely drenching the purple unicorn. A scowl spread across Twilight's maw as she looked up and spotted Rainbow Dash hovering above her, laughing her ass off. Tired of her shit, Twilight grabbed Rainbow Dash by her tail using her telekinesis and pulled her to the ground, before pouncing on her and shoving her face in the dirt.

"I'm tired of your shit, Dash! I got somewhere to go, and now, because of your bullshit, I have to go dry off again!" Twilight screeched.

"Dear Celestia Twilight... what's got you such in a hurry?" Rainbow Dash asked as she tried to squirm out of the Element of Magic's grasp.

"If you really must know," Twilight said as she activated a spell that dried her drenched coat and mane in a matter of seconds, "I enlisted in the Marines."

"Twilight, a glass of water please?" Rainbow requested. Twilight shrugs and summoned a glass of water for the cyan pegasus. Rainbow Dash grasped the glass with her hoof (don't ask how, you fucker) and took a quick swig of it, before spitting the water in Twilight's face.

"WHAT?!" Rainbow Dash exclaimed in shock.

Author's Notes:

Sorry about the shit, short chapter. I'm rather sick at the moment. Aight, peace.

-Liam

New Years Special Part One

Spiderman waltzed his way down the street in a goofy manner. Sure, his goofy walking style earned him a lot of stares, but he didn't give a fuck.

"Yo, Spidey, eat a dick!" somepony shouted.

"Lawl no you." Spiderman countered as he continued to walk down the street. Suddenly, there was a bright light, blinding our hero.

Our hero blinked, and he found himself in a huge ball room, surround by various humans, ponies, and other creatures. There was even a few man sized penguins wearing clothing for some reason.

"Hello!" one of the mentioned penguins greeted as it waddled over to him.

"Dafuq is this?" 60's Era Spiderman asked.

"Oh, this is the MarineMarksman New Years party, where the characters of anything written by MarineMarksman get together and party." the penguin responded.

"And what the fuck are you supposed to be?" our hero asked.

I'm Dj." Dj responded.

"Lawl gay." Spiderman said before walking away from the penguin and joining Luna on the other side of the room.

"Hello, fair Spiderman." Luna greeted, smiling at the superhero.

"Hay." Spiderman responded.

"Enjoying the party?" the princess asked.

"No. It fucking sucks." Spiderman responded.

"Well, why don't you go around and mingle? Someone you get along with must be here." the midnight alicorn suggested.

"Lawl k." Spiderman said as he walked away from her.

Author's Notes:

Part two will be released tomorrow. I'm sick, I'm tired, and I want to go watch the balls drop.

Have a happy New Years.

-Liam

New Years Special Part Two

"So what happened with you guys?" the recently dishonorably discharged Shining Armor asked his counterparts.

"I was discharged by Celestia because I attacked a bunch of bucking human soldiers." one Shining Armor grumbled.

"Oh jeez, I wish I was that lucky." another Shining Armor stated, "I disintegrated in a nuclear blast, along with many of my soldiers."

"Hey, at least you don't have deal with getting shot at by bucking droids 24/7." a third Shining Armor stated.

"At least you guys didn't get demoted, then fired by Princess Luna." the first Shining Armor stated.

"Damn. You're right, that is worst than dying." the Old Spice Guys invade Equestria's Shining Armor stated sarcastically.

"Hey, bite me. At least you died a fucking hero." 60's Era Spiderman goes to Equestria's Shining Armor spat venomously.

"Lawl sup faggot." Spiderman said as he walked up to the group of Shining Armors.

"Oh great. This asshole..." the unicorn from the 60's Era Spiderman goes to Equestria universe grumbled.

"Say that to my face faggot. Fight me irl. Do you even lift?" Spiderman inquired.

"I do indeed lift." Shining Armor responded.

"You dun lift. You're a faggot." Spiderman said, before walking away.

"Who was that guy?" one of the Shining Armor's asked.

"Don't ask." the Shining Armor from the 60's Era Spiderman goes to Equestria universe grunted.

"Don't tell, am I right fellas?" another one of the Shining Armor's completed in a flamboyant voice.

"Lawl, fuck this party. It sucks." Spiderman said to Discord.

"Mhmm. I hear ya." Discord agreed, "Let's get the fuck out of here."

"Lawl k." Spiderman said, pulling a bundle of dynamite out of one of his non-existent pockets, lighting it, and tossing it in the middle of the crowd. Before it detonated, Discord teleported himself, Spiderman, and all the characters from their story out of the room.

Author's Notes:

Oh look, OP didn't deliver. Boo fucking hoo.

I'm back! (Beginning of Act II)

With Liam being a bitch and Chad no where to be seen, I felt like it was time to step up. And considering the fact this is one of our more popular stories and most heavily requested ones, I'll be updating it from now on. I'm still a bit rusty, as I haven't written stuff like this since I originally started writing this story (where I eventually let Liam take over), but I'll get better.

-Will

It had been months since the New Years incident and the disappearance of 60's Era Spiderman from Equestria. Nopony had seen any trace of him, much to the dismay of many. In the aftermath of his disappearance, Princess Luna had finally legalized marijuana, and Fluttershy became one known to not give out fucks. Twilight joined the Marine Corps, Rarity revealed that she was an underground wrestler, Rainbow Dash took over things in the library, Applejack started selling weed with her apples, and Pinkie...

Pinkie Pie is just Pinkie Pie.

Fluttershy laid prone under a tree, flipping through the latest copy of 'How Not To Give A Fuck Monthly' as she let out a loud, bored sigh. It's been several months since 60's Era Spiderman disappeared during the New Years party. Ever since then, Fluttershy's life has been unusually dull. But, she honestly didn't give a fuck.

"Oh look... Shady is dropping with a new album this summer..." Fluttershy commented.

"How lovely."

She turned the page.

In a nearby tree, a familiar badly animated red and blue spaz hid among the leaves and branches. "That bitch stole my How Not To Give a Fuck Monthly..." our hero mumbled, before nodding in approval, "I have taught her well."

Our hero extended out his arm and jumped out of his tree, preparing to swing over to the tree Fluttershy was under. However, there was an obstacle.

Once again, our hero forgot how to shot web.

"Lawl how do I shot web?" Spiderman asked no one in particular, before falling face first into the ground.

As soon as she heard the thud, Fluttershy sat up, putting her magazine aside, and looking for the source of the noise. Upon spotting the badly animated hero lying in the dirt, she rose to her hooves and quickly made her way over to the infamous giver of no fucks.

"Guess who's back?" Spiderman asked, looking up from the dirt.

"Shady's back?"

"No, Spidey's back."

"Musical number?"

"Musical number."

With the disappearance of 60's Era Spiderman, life in Ponyville returned to normal... well, as normal as things can get around that town. Applejack trotted through the town center, her big brother following eagerly with their apple and hash cart hitched to him. As they set up shop and ponies started to gather around, eager to roll up a joint and eat a few apples to quench their munchies, Applejack took in a deep breath of Equestria's pollution-free air and smiled, looking off into the distance.

Then, she spotted it. Or them. Two figures on the horizon, one a small, yellow pony, and the other a tall human dressed in a red and blue spandex suit.

And they were singing.

"...two trailer park girls go round the outside, round the outside, round the outside..."

AJ blinked, as the words started to get louder and more audible as the pair entered the town center.

"Two trailer park girls go round the outside, round the outside, round the outside!" the two sang together, before approaching the orange apple salespony/drug dealer.

"Guess who's back?" Fluttershy asked the orange Earth pony.

"Back again." Spiderman threw in.

"Ah dunno. Who?" Applejack inquired.

"Shady's back!" our hero answered.

"Tell a friend." Fluttershy said with a wink.

"Guess who's back... guess who's back... guess who's back... guess who's back... guess who's back... guess who's back..." everypony in the immediate area started to sing together.

"I've created a monster," 60's Era Spiderman sang, "'cause nobody wants to see Marshall no more."

"They want Shady!" Fluttershy threw in.

"I'm chopped liver," Spiderman said. "Well if you want Shady, this is what I'll give ya: A little bit of weed mixed with some hard liquor, some vodka that'll jumpstart my heart quicker than a shock when I get shocked at the hospital by the doctor when I'm not cooperating when I'm rocking the table while he's operating."

"Hey!" Pinkie shouted, popping out of a nearby tree trunk.

"You waited this long now stop debating 'cause I'm back," Fluttershy began to sing, "I'm on the rag and ovulating. I know that you got a job Ms. Cheney but your husband's heart problem's complicating."

"So the FCC won't let me be or let me be me so let me see," Pinkie began to sing, shaking her flank like crazy, "they tried to shut me down on MTV but it feels so empty without me."

"So come on dip, bum on your lips fuck that," our hero sang, "cum on your lips and some on your tits and get ready, 'cause this shit's about to get heavy. I just settled all my lawsuits."

"Fuck YOU DEBBIE!" Fluttershy proclaimed, shaking her hoof in the air in a mock one fingered salute.

"Now this looks like a job for me so everybody just follow me," everypony sang, "'Cause we need a little controversy, 'Cause it feels so empty without me."

"I said!" Pinkie called out.

"This looks like a job for me so everybody just follow me," everypony continued to sing, "'Cause we need a little controversy, 'Cause it feels so empty without me."

"Little hellions kids feeling rebellious, embarrassed, their parents still listen to Elvis." Spiderman chanted, "they start feeling like prisoners, helpless, 'til someone comes along on a mission and yells 'bitch'!"

"A visionary, vision is scary, could start a revolution," Fluttershy sang, "polluting the air waves a rebel so just let me revel and bask, in the fact that I got everyone kissing my ass and it's a disaster such a catastrophe for you to see so damn much of my ass you ask for me?"

"Well I'm back!" Pinkie proclaimed.

"Fix your bent antennae tune it in and then I'm gonna enter in and up under your skin like a splinter," Fluttershy continued, "The center of attention back for the winter. I'm interesting, the best thing since wrestling. Infesting in your kids ears and nesting."

"Testing, 'Attention Please'," Spiderman whispered into Big Mac's ear, earning an angry stare from the red stallion before our hero jumped away, dancing in his "special" way, "feel the tension soon as someone mentions me here's my 10 cents my 2 cents is free. A nuisance, who sent, you sent for me?"

"Now this looks like a job for me so everybody just follow me," everypony in the general area sang, "'Cause we need a little controversy, 'Cause it feels so empty without me."

"I said!" Pinkie called out.

"This looks like a job for me so everybody just follow me," everypony continued to sing, "'Cause we need a little controversy, 'Cause it feels so empty without me."

Suddenly, the earth started to shake violently. Everypony faced the source of the disturbance to find Iron Will racing towards them. He jumped up high into the air, landing beside our hero and his waifu.

"A tisk-it a task-it," he began to sing, "I'll go tit for tat with anybody who's talking this shit, that shit. Chris Kirkpatrick you can get your ass kicked worse than them little Limp Bizkit bastards, and Moby you can get stomped by Obie, you 36 year old bald headed fag blow me!"

"You don't know me," Pinkie Pie proclaimed, stepping forward, "you're too old let go its over, nobody listens to techno!

"Now let's go," Spiderman exclaimed, "just give me the signal I'll be there with a whole list full of new insults. I've been dope, suspenseful with a pencil ever since Prince turned himself into a symbol."

"But sometimes the shit just seems, everybody only wants to discuss me," Rarity sang, suddenly entering the fray, "So this must mean I'm disgusting, but its just me I'm just obscene.

"Though I'm not the first king of controversy," Iron Will continued, "I am the worst thing since Elvis Presley, to do Black Music so selfishly and use it to get myself wealthy."

"Hey!" Pinkie exclaimed.

"There's a concept that works," Rarity sang, "20 million other white rappers emerge but no matter how many fish in the sea it'd be so empty without me."

"Now this looks like a job for me so everybody just follow me," everypony sang, "'Cause we need a little controversy, 'Cause it feels so empty without me."

"I said!" Pinkie called out.

"This looks like a job for me so everybody just follow me," everypony continued to sing, "'Cause we need a little controversy, 'Cause it feels so empty without me."

And then, almost as suddenly as the music number started, everypony stopped, glanced around, and quickly left the area.

Applejack blinked.

"What in tarnation...?"

Since Spiderman left, Discord and Chrysalis have made a name for themselves by becoming some of the best hitponies... or whatever the fuck they qualified for, in Equestria. With all the money they could ever need, they were now set for life, and they have decided to leave their life of assassinations and urban warfare behind for some much needed lulz.

Discord and Chrysalis sat on top of cloud high above the Manehattan high rises. In between them sat a bucket filled to the brim with piss filled water balloons.

"So, my dear queen," Discord said as he carefully plucked a balloon from the bucket and held it over the edge, "welcome to retirement."

The balloon slipped away from his paws, dropping down towards the ground at high speeds and bursting over a crowd of business ponies.

"What the fuck?!" one of them proclaimed.

"What's that smell?" another inquired.

"Jarate!" a foreign businesspony proclaimed.

"Ah... piss!" his partner groaned.

"So far, I'm loving this. Being free from my duties as queen and a hitpony. It's truly exhilarating." the former Changeling queen responded with a toothy grin, "but what should we do with this newly found freedom?"

"Hush, my dear." Discord said, shushing the Changeling, "we'll get to that later. In the meantime... let's ruin some asshole's day."

Of Weed and Apples

After their little musical number, Spiderman and Fluttershy made their way over to Applejack's apple/weed cart.

"Howdy Spidey. Howdy Shy." Applejack greeted, "can Ah interest ya in some weed?"

Suddenly, Pinkie Pie popped out of Fluttershy's asshole and fell out facefirst onto the ground. After picking herself off the ground and shrugging off some shit particles she picked up from Flutter's ass, she turned towards Applejack. "Weed? Did you say weed?"

AJ looked at the pink party pony strangely, before writing it off as typical Pinkie shit, "why yes, Ah did."

Pinkie's eye twitched. "Weed?! WEED?! WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED!!! WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED!!!" she chanted as she ran down the street at speeds the would make Rainbow Dash look like a piece of shit.

"...what in tarnation?" Applejack muttered, before turning her attention back to her customers. "So do ya'll want some weed or not?"

"Lawl sure." Spiderman said, digging into his non-existent pockets for something.

"What are ya lookin for?" Applejack inquired.

"A fuck to give," our hero responded, before removing his hands from his non-existent pockets and shrugs, "it appears I don't have a single fuck to give out."

"Err... it's complimentary."

"I don't give a fuck." Spidey said, picking up an apple from the stand and pegging AJ in the head with it, before picking up a sack filled with hash and apples and running away from the scene.

Applejack groaned and rubbed the spot that apple connected with, before glaring at Fluttershy. The yellow pegasus stood there awkwardly for a few seconds, before disappearing in a cloud of dust.

"Discord, what the fuck?!"

Discord looked down, spotting the cause of his queen's reaction. There, standing on end, was a massive erection, "Ooo! Would you look at that chaos erection?"

"Chaos erection?"

"Whenever something truly chaotic enters this universe, I get off on it."

"Gross."

"What do you think got me turned to stone in the first place? Being evil? No. My boy popped up when I was having tea with the princesses."

The former Changeling queen giggled slightly. "That's funny."

"No it's not."

Suddenly, a jet screeched overhead, it's occupant jumping out and deploying his chute, floating down by the pair. The two former villian's looked and saw it was a Mexican busboy.

"Es kinda funny."

Lance Corporal Twilight Sparkle peered down the scope of her sniper rifle, balancing the semi-automatic rifle in between her hooves. On the other end of her scope stood a pair of diamond dogs, their spears set aside as they shot the shit without a care in the world.

"Take the shot." her spotter prompted.

The Lance Corporal nodded, adjusting her aim to compensate for wind and bullet drop. Setting the crosshairs just slightly above the first dog's head, she took a deep breath and fired.

The 7.62 round exited the sniper rifle's barrel at high speeds, quickly closing the distance and passing in and out through the dog's head. The other dog turned in time to see his comrade fall to the ground, his blood covering the nearby ground. As he went for his spear, he heard a distant boom, like thunder, before Twilight's second round passed through his neck, severing his carotid artery.

Twilight watched with an expressionless face as the diamond dog fell to the ground, quickly bleeding to death. She had seen this many times before ever since she enlisted several months prior, and she had long ago stopped giving a fuck.

"Our job here's done. Let's get out of here before the main assault starts." her spotter said, rising to her hooves and holding her carbine at the ready. The purple uniform nodded, quickly disassembling her sniper rifle with her magic and packing it away in it's case. After slinging the case over her back and pulling out her own carbine, she signaled her spotter to lead the way of there. Her spotted nodded, as the two quickly left the area.

"Spiderman, Spiderman," Fluttershy and 60's Era Spiderman sang together in perfect harmony, "Trolls like no other spider can!"

Lyra heard the singing and spotted the duo making their way up the street. She quickly galloped over them and joined in. "Never gives a single fuck!" she sang.

"Need his help?" Fluttershy asked.

"You're shit outta luck!" Spiderman declared.

"Look Out!" they sang together, "Here comes the Spiderman!"

Fluttershy and Lyra giggled as Spiderman puffed on his joint, before discarding it and crushing it under his foot.

"I injected five whole marijuana's!" our hero declared.

"Implying I give a fuck." Fluttershy said with a shrug, as they continued their way down the street towards the library.

Back for the hundreth time

Authors note: Finally back. Now with more lulz. Several more chapters after this (I wrote a lot when I was offline), I’ll start allowing you, the readers, to start choosing where the story goes. Props to Bromont for his Katawa Broujo threads on /a/, which, after spending a day reading them, inspired me to not only get back into writing.

It was the beginning of a new day, the sun slowly rising over Canterlot and basking Ponyville in it’s warm, yellow rays.

Sunlight flooded in through Fluttershy’s window. The butter yellow pegasus stirred and sat up, groaning as the dawn of a new day disrupted her pleasant dream.

After rubbing the sand out of her eyes and smacking her lips, she made her way over to the window.

“FUCK YOU SUN!” she bellowed, before angrily shutting the blinds. She made her way into her bathroom, popping some pills into her mouth and drowning them down with some vodka. Technically, this was a very dangerous thing to do, as stated on the bottle, but Fluttershy didn’t give a fuck what some neckbeard scientists had to say.

Her wake up ritual complete, Fluttershy made her way down the kitchen, threw open the refrigerator door, and pulled out some leftover mcdonalds. Tossing her breakfast onto the table, she made her way into the living room, where our hero, 60’s Era Spiderman, was sound asleep.

“Wake up Spiderman...” she cooed.

No response.

Fluttershy glared at the sleeping hero. “WAKE UP YOU FUCKING SACK OF SHIT!”

“Lawl no.”

“Please?”

“Fuck off.”

The buttermilk yellow pegasus snorted in anger. She quickly retrieved her breakfast from the kitchen and plopped down on top of our hero, flipping on the television.

“OH SHIT IS THAT FUCKING HOUSE?!” Spiderman exclaimed as he jumped up, suddenly wide awake, staring intently at the TV.

“Um... yeah?”

“It’s not lupus lawl.”

“It’s never fucking lupus.” the pegasus agreed.

After finishing up the leftover mcdonalds in the fridge and watching several hours of House M.D., Fluttershy kicked open her front door and rolled outside, our hero loping along behind her.

After kicking the rotting corpse of Angel back and forth, the two grew bored and made their way into town. It was Thursday, so Applejack would have her freshest products on sale.

“Yo yo, Applejack, what’s good my zigga?” Fluttershy greeted, slapping the orange cowpony some hoof and pulling her into a sisterly embrace.

“Not much, not much. That yellow hush ya’ll were for is in.”

“Fuck yeah. What about the banana kush?”

“Only the best for you, Flutters,” Applejack said, hoofing over the weed and a basket full of various different kinds of apples, “That’ll be 250 bits.”

A large grin spread across the pegasus’s face as she produced the bits, hoofing it over to the orange apple and drug dealer.

After quickly counting the golden bits and ensuring they were not counterfeit, Applejack looked up at the two with a smile. “Ya’ll have a good one now.”

“Lawl k.” Spiderman said as the two walked away from the cart. Fluttershy walked over to a nearby building a leaned up against it, skillfully wrapping two blunts and handing one over to our hero.

Lighting up their blunts, the two smoked as they made their way down the street. After several minutes of walking and smoking, Fluttershy opened up her bit purse and looked inside.

“AWW SHIT BALLS!” she screeched in horror.

“What?”

“I’m out of bits.”

“Let’s go rob a liquor store, lawl.”

“I’m down.” Fluttershy said, reaching into her saddlebags and producing a .357 magnum, a glock, and A FUCKING GRENADE LAUNCHER.

“OH SHIT YOU’RE HARDCORE.” 60’s Era Spiderman proclaimed.

“I know.” Fluttershy agreed with a slight giggle, “Let’s go get Pinkie. She always loves a good robbing.”

Pinkie Pie leaned down, snorting up a line of neatly cut Colombian cocaine with a strawberry twizzler. Her head rocketed back in ecstasy, her mane growing poofier and her smile growing larger.

She turned around and turned on her CD player, which started to blast “Cocaine” by Eric Clopton.

It was a slow day in the Sugar Cube Corner, allowing Pinkie to do practically anything she wanted.

A bell rang out as the front door opened and some patrons walked in. Pinkie Pie quickly wiped away some excess coke away from her nose and bounced up to the front counter.

“Hi, welcome to the- oh, hey you guys!” she greeted Fluttershy and our hero as they walked up to the front counter.

“What’s up, Stanky Pink?” Fluttershy asked, pulling the pink Earth pony into a sisterly embrace and slapping her on the back effectionately.

“Not much! Just my usual slow day routine!” she said with a ridiculous grin.

“I see. I’m a bit low on bits-”

“No, I have nothing to spare.” Pinkie interupted.

“Lawl Jews.” Spiderman said.

Fluttershy glared at the two. “We’re going to rob the liquor store across town. You in?”

“Sounds like fun!” Pinkie Pie declared, “just let me get ready.”

Fifteen minutes later, our hero found himself walking into the liquor store with Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy in tow, all three of the decked out in sunglasses and trenchcoats. They looked like they came out of the fucking Matrix.

As Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy ran off to get some coors, mountain dew, doritos, and microwave burritos, 60’s Era Spiderman examined his surroundings. At the front counter was a Saddle Arabian immigrant named fatass or Paco or some shit like that. He probably had a bomb strapped to his chest and was waiting for the perfect moment to blow up Applejack’s Weed and Apple Farm™.

Examining the liquor stores coffee and donuts was a cop. Upon noticing our hero glancing at him, the cop gave him a cheery wave and turned his attention back to the donuts and coffee.

*SLAM*

Spiderman looked up to see that Pinkie and Fluttershy have finished picking out their shit and dropped it on the counter all at once. He quickly made his way over to them.

“Pinkie! My close friend and ally! How are you my friend?” the clerk asked.

Pinkie turned to Fluttershy. “Take the shit to that truck outside.”

She nodded and slide everything into her saddlebags, and began to make her way out of the liquor store.

“Hey slow your roll chief. You guys gotta pay for that first.” Mr. Durka called out.

Fluttershy stopped at the front and glanced over her shoulder.

“Relax, Osama! You know I’m good for it!” Pinkie said.

“Hey guys, you know the rules. No exceptions. Bits only.” Osama Bin Hidin’ said.

Pinkie glanced over at the cop, who was now approaching the line with coffee and donuts in hoof. He noticed her glancing at him and gave her a kind smile.

“LOOK! He’s got a weapon!” Pinkie declared, pulling a SMG out from under her trench coat and aimed it at Paco.

The cop behind Pinkie dropped his coffee and donuts and pulled out his own gun, pointing it at Spidey and the pink party pony.

“Woah, wait a minute now!” Fluttershy said, advancing towards the clerk, her glock in hoof, “Put the gun down.”

“Gun? What gun? I’m not holding a gun. Guys, it’s me. Pinkie, your landlord helped me build this store!”

Pinkie looked back at the cop aiming his gun at her and her friends, before turning back to Aladdin. “I DON’T KNOW YOU, MOTHER FUCKER! NOW, PUT THE GUN DOWN, PUT IT DOWN!”

“There is no gun! Look!” Saddam Hussein shouted.

“DROP THE WEAPON!” Fluttershy screeched.

“I-I, I don’t see a weapon!” the cop said, trembling nervously.

“I am not holding a weapon,” he pleaded, closing his eyes and looking away, “I AM NOT HOLDING A WEAPON!”

“OFFICER, THIS MOTHERFUCKER GOT A GUN POINTED AT YOU! DO YOU WANT TO DIE?!” Fluttershy exclaimed.

“WHAT?!”

“DO-YOU-WANT-TO-DIE?!” She repeated.

“I DON’T HAVE A GUN!” the clerk screeched in fear.

“HE DOES HAVE A GUN, TRUST ME! THE ABSENCE OF EVIDENCE IS NOT THE EVIDENCE OF ABSENCE!” Pinkie Pie shouted.

“I-I DON’T SEE A GUN!” The cop responded.

“Man, fuck this shit!” Fluttershy said as she turned her glock on the cop, “Whose side you on? Mine, or this muthafucker who’s obviously of terrorist descent?”

After pondering for a second, the cop turned his gun onto the clerk, “Wait... I think I can see the gun now!”

“GOOD!” Pinkie declared as she jumped onto the counter, “NOW WE ALL SEE THE WEAPON! NOW YOU HAND OVER THAT WEAPON ON THE COUNT OF THREE, OR I SWEAR TO ALL MIGHTY CELESTIA, I’LL BLOW YOUR FUCKIN’ HEAD OFF! ONE!”

“I CAN’T GIVE YOU A WEAPON I’M NOT HOLDING!” Obama pleaded, “YOU’RE THINKING OF THE ZEBRA SHOP, NORTH OF HERE!”

“TWO!”

“Is he... still holding it?!” the cop asked shakily.

“TIMES UP!”

The clerk ducked under the counter as Spidey, Pinkie, and Fluttershy opened fire on him all at once. A nearby storage closet flung open, and three Saddle Arabians dressed like ninjas or some shit opened fire on the trio with their AK’s. The three ran for cover, as the cop was caught in the crossfire and sent flying to the ground.

Spidey and Fluttershy scrambled towards the back of the store as Pinkie laid down covering fire, sending the four haji’s diving for cover. Once Pinkie got to cover, they popped up once more and opened fire on the back of the store. Spidey leaned out of cover and fired off the rest of the ammo in his magnum, managing to his one of the Saddle Arabians in the shoulder and the chest.

“Lawl I’m out of ammo.” Spidey said. Pinkie Pie reached into her saddlebags and tossed him an AKS. Our hero quickly unfolded the stock of it and held it to his chest as he peaked around the corner, looking at the cop.

“Hey, what’syerface.”

“My name’s Buck.”

"Buck, you’re going to die, lawl.”

“I don’t think I’m dying.”

“You’re full of shit, lawl.”

“Actually, I think I’ll gonna make it,” he said as he started to rise off the ground.

“You hear that, you sweaty camel fucking bastards?! Bucky ain’t dead! Bucky says, bring it on!” Pinkie Pie said as she rounded the corner and opened fire, “BRING IT!”

The Men That Stare At Camels returned fire with renewed vigor, sending Pinkie diving for cover and once again hitting Officer Buck, knocking him to the ground.

Hours later, a reporter stood outside of the liquor store, reporting on a firefight between police and Equestrian patriots and Saddle Arabian terrorists.

“And here they come now.” the reporter said as they dragged the Saddle Arabians out of the liquor store. They were followed by Spiderman, Fluttershy, and Pinkie, their guns at their side and bottles of mountain dew in hoof (and hand).

Fluttershy looked around at the dozens of cops, reporters, and average joes standing, watching them.

“DAFUQ YA’LL LOOKING AT?!” she demanded.

After a moments pause, the crowd surrounding the gas station began to cheer for the trio.

“Let’s paaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarty!” Pinkie declared, holding a 24 pack of coors and tossing it into the crowd, before charging in. Fluttershy and Spiderman stood there, watching as everything went to shit.

“You gonna go party?” Fluttershy asked.

“Nah. I only get down on Friday, lawl.” Spidey answered.

“Me neither. Let’s head home and watch some Power Rangers.”

“Shit is so cash.”

The two started to skip away, singing as they went.

“GO GO POWER RANGERS!”

“GO GO POWER RANGERS!”

“GO GO POWER RANGERS!”

“MIGHTY MORPHIN POWER RANGERS!” they sang together happily.

They spent the rest of the night watching Power Rangers and smoking yellow kush.

That green Power Ranger is one awesome mother fucker.

Author's Notes:

No one uses these lawl

ZOMBIES! EVERYWHERE!

Everything was quiet. Nothing stirred, not even a mouse. Well, technically that isn’t true. Eminem was going around murdering people as he sung his song, 3 AM.

But that’s a story for another time.

Spiderman snored loudly on the couch, his snores reverberating through the cottage.

Suddenly, our hero awoke, rising up with a gasp as he rolled off the couch.

“ZOMBIES! ZOMBIES EVERYWHERE!” he screeched as he waved his hands about in the air.

Spiderman then collapsed on the ground and started to spasm violently.

As Spiderman did what a Spiderman does, Fluttershy made her way downstairs with a cute yawn. She examined our hero for a few seconds as he rolled about on the floor. She was pretty sure he would be foaming at the mouth if she could see under his mask, but it was just a guess.

“Spiderman, what the fuck are you doing?”

“THE ZOMBIES ARE COMING!” he screeched, arching his back as he did so.

“What good will this do?” Fluttershy asked with a raised brow.

“This dance will summon Bruce Campbell to Equestria to kick some zombie ass!” he responded.

“Dude, Bruce Campbell is fucking god tier!” Fluttershy declared.

“Lawl I know.”

Meanwhile, in the Old Spice Guys Invade Equestria universe, Bruce Campbell lay in bed with his pony bride, Rarity, as he flipped through a book. A badass book. Or something.

Suddenly, his Galaxy x6 (a badass experimental smartphone with over 9000 gigabytes) vibrated. He put aside his book and looked at the text.

60’s Era Spiderman is attempting to summon you.

Will you answer the call?

Text yes to teleport to his current location, or text no to tell him to go fuck himself.

“Eh.” Bruce said as he tossed his phone aside and turned his attention back to his book, “I’ll get to that.”

“Eventually.”

“Any minute now!” Spiderman said, waiting expectantly for Bruce Campbell to show up.

Fluttershy looked at our hero disbelievingly.

Spiderman glanced down at his watch.

“Any second- fuck it, let’s go smoke some weed.” Spiderman said, throwing his watch to the ground, which exploded on impact.

“Now you’re talking.” Fluttershy said.

Meanwhile, in the Ponyville cemetery, something was happening.

No, someone didn’t set us up the bomb. The dead were rising.

The ground shook as various dead ponies and pets climbed to the surface.

“Ploooooooooooot...” the zombies moaned, as the slowly advanced towards the nearest settlement, which happened to be Fluttershy’s cottage.

On a nearby hill sat Old Stallion Jenkins, a bottle of whiskey in hoof.

“I need to lay off the sauce...” he commented as he watched the undead army advance towards Ponyville.

As our hero and Fluttershy finished off their shared joint, there was a loud knock at the front door. The two glanced at each other as Spidey got up and opened the door.

“Bruce?” he asked.

“Nooooooooooope! Chuck Testa!” Chuck Testa said.

“...”

“...”

“...”

“...”

“Get the fuck out of here.”

“Okay. See yah Spidey.” he said as he turned around and started to walk away. Out of nowhere, a zombie tackled Chuck Testa to the ground, biting down into his neck and ripping a large chunk of his flesh out of his neck.

“Fucking sweet lawl.” our hero commented, getting the zombie’s attention. The zombie rose off of Chuck Testa’s still writhing body and started advancing towards our hero. Seeing this danger, Spiderman extended his wrist and aimed it at the zombie.

“Oh shit, I forgot how to shot web.”

“Plooooooooooooooooot...” the zombie moaned.

Spiderman looked over his shoulder. “Fluttershy, how do I shot web?!”

“Spiderman, close the fucking door!” Fluttershy shouted at our hero.

“Oh right lawl.” he said as he slammed the door in the zombie’s face, who proceeded to start banging on the door in an attempt to break in.

“So, what now?” Fluttershy asked.

“Lawl I dunno.”

“Shouldn’t we baracading shit?”

“Who gives a fuck lawl.” Spidey said as he made his way over to the couch and flipped on the television. After flipping through the channels, our hero settled on watching House M.D.

“Spidey, what are you doing?”

“Starting my morning out right,” 60’s Era Spiderman responded as he shot off a quick text.

Bruce Campbell walked into the kitchen and went straight the fridge, grabbing some eggs, bread, hash browns, and vegetarian sausage. Using the power of Old Spice, he turned his random assortment of food into a five star meal. He quickly distributed food between two plates and carried them to the living room, where Rarity was waiting patiently.

“Good morning, darling.” she greeted.

“Morning.” he responded, planting a kiss on her cheek and placing a plate in front of her, before making his way over to his seat.

As he stabbed into one of his sausages and brought up to his mouth, his x6 vibrated.

“God dammit...” he muttered as he placed his fork down and fished his phone out his pocket and checked the message.

lawl zombies and house come on over

-love spidey

Zombies. House. That’s the only right way to start the morning.

The x6 vibrated once again.

oh and they got chuck testa lawl it was badass

“That sucks,” Bruce commented as he rose from his chair and started to walk to the basement.

“Darling? Where are you going?” Rarity inquired.

“I’m going to go save Spiderman’s ass.” Bruce responded, “Also, Chuck Testa is dead.”

“Oh no!”

“Oh yeah!” that kool-aid guy said as he crashed through a wall. Bruce glared at the kool-aid guy, before picking up a nearby paperweight and throwing it at the kool-aid guy, causing him to crack and shatter.

Satisfied with his revenge, Bruce continued his journey down to the basement. In his basement was his study and library, as well as an armory. Making his way to the armory, Bruce Campbell looked over his collection.

Briefly considering taking his boomstick from the Evil Dead series, Bruce decided that it likely lacked the firepower to take on an army of zombies.

Then, he remembered something.

The latest addition to his collection.

Bruce Campbell quickly grabbed it and several boxes of shells, then texted yes in response to his earlier alert.

“It’s lupus.” the TV blasted. Spiderman had earlier turned the TV way the fuck up to drown out the sound of zombies banging on the cottages walls, windows, and doors.

Suddenly, a portal formed in front of the TV and out walked Bruce Campbell. His left arm was replaced by a chainsaw, and in his right arm, he carried an AA-12 automatic shotgun.

“Down in front!” Spiderman called out.

“Spidey.”

“Bruce Campbell.”

“I heard you got a zombie problem.”

“Lawl yeah.”

“Let’s go take care of it, shall we?”

“Lawl k.”

Outside waited an army of zombies, milling about waiting for something living to show up or trying to break into the cottage to get to living inside.

*CRASH*

The zombies turned around to see Bruce Campbell kick down the front door of Fluttershy’s cottage, his chainsaw and AA-12 at the ready. Following him were Fluttershy and our hero, both armed with M4’s.

“GET SOME!” Bruce called out as he opened fire, unleashing a barrage of destruction against the zombies. Zombies after zombie fell as Bruce’s explosive rounds sent them flying, with Fluttershy and Spiderman shooting down any stragglers.

“Watch out Bruce!” Fluttershy called out.

“Plooooooooooooooot!” a zombie cried as it pounced at Bruce Campbell.

“DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODGEEEEEEEEEEE!!!” Spiderman called out.

Bruce quickly dived and rolled out of the way, then kicked the zombie in the side with all his strength, knocking it over on it’s side. Before the zombie could rise and attack, Bruce was on top of it. With a quick slash of his chainsaw, the zombie’s head was separated from it’s body.

“Disgusting.” Bruce Campbell commented as he kicked the still moving head into the distance.

“Fore!” Fluttershy called out, watching it disappear into the distance.

“Is that all?” Bruce asked.

“Lawl no.”

“That was only round one. We must go to the cemetery and stop whatever is causing the dead to rise.” Fluttershy said, as she tied a red bandana over her head.

“Let’s go to work, then.” Bruce said.

As they approached the cemetery, they found that somepony had already beat them there.

There stood Twilight Sparkle, clad in her digital woodland uniform and armed with an M16, mowing wave after wave of zombies, with the help of several other Marines. Judging by the bodies surrounding them, they used to be part of a much larger force.

But not anymore.

“Twilight?” Fluttershy asked as they approached the Marine fireline.

“Fluttershy?! What the fuck are you doing here?!” Twilight demanded.

“What the fuck am I doing here?! What the fuck are you doing here?!” she responded.

“What, you don’t think that Luna wouldn’t notice the dead are rising?” Twilight asked retorically as she adjusted her helmet into a more comfortable position, “My team was deployed here to put down this threat to Equestria before it did any serious damage. Sadly, we came unprepared. We only barely survived the last wave.”

“Lawl sucks to be you.”

Before Twilight could unleash a fierce can of whoopass upon our hero, Fluttershy stepped up to the plate. “Bruce Campbell here is here to stop the zombies. He knows what to do.”

The purple unicorn blinked and looked up at chainsaw wielding man as if this is the first time she saw him. “Dude... you’re fucking god tier.”

“So I’ve heard.” he responded.

“So, ladies, you gonna stand around here waiting to become some zombie’s lunch, or are you going to join in an epic quest to stop the zombie menace from taking over Equestria?” Fluttershy asked, striking a pose.

“Sounds like some party. Let’s go Marines!” Twiley called out to the survivors.

The trio, now accompanied by Twilight Sparkle and eight other Marines, marched their way into the cemetery.

It was quiet.

Too quiet.

“GOD THIS IS SO FUCKING CLICHE!” one of the Marines whined, before a giant zombie tackled him. As the Marine screamed in terror, the zombie used it’s massive strength and ripped the Marine in half.

“TANK!” Twilight called out. Several of the Marines charged up and opened fire on the giant beast. In response, the tank threw the two halves of the corpse at the Marines, then jumped up in the air and landed on them, crushing them.

By now, other zombies started to come out of the woodwork and slowly started advancing towards our savior’s position.

“Shore Leave, take that fucker to town!” Twilight ordered.

“Yes Lieutenant!” “Shore Leave” responded, unslinging an AT4 from his back and balancing it over his shoulder.

“FIRE IN THE HOLE!” Twilight called out to the others as Shore Leave unleashed his ordnance on the steroids addicted zombie, blowing it into millions of a pieces.

“Marines, hold the line! Fluttershy, take Spiderman and Bruce Campbell and FINISH THIS FIGHT!” Twilight shouted.

The Marines went back to back, covering all fields of fire as the trio separated from them and charged towards the center of the cemetery, where Bruce said the source was supposed to be.

Suddenly, as the zombies started to chase after them, the MJOLNIR Mix started to play out of fucking nowhere. The epic guitar riffs inspired the trio to ran faster, slashing and shooting as they went.

Suddenly, a challenger appears! Another tank jumps in front of the trio and starts to bring it’s fists down on them.

“DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODGE!!!!!” Fluttershy screeched.

“Lawl k.” Spiderman said as they all rolled out of the way, narrowly escaping their deaths. Fluttershy and Spiderman continued to run, yet Bruce stood defiant in the fact of death.

“Go on! You guys know what to do. I’ll hold off these fuckers.”

“Have fun dying! Lawl.” Spiderman called over his shoulder as he and Fluttershy continued to run.

Eventually, our hero and his companion reached the center of the cemetery. As they stood there, gasping for breath, they observed what awaited them.

In front of them was a large cave in. The cave in had a dark aura, and seemed to be glowing a light green.

“Let’s get this over with.” Fluttershy said, as she cautiously approached the cave in.

“Lawl k.” Spiderman responded, following her and just not giving a fuck in general.

Author's Notes:

I'm going on vacation, so I'm not sure when I'll post the next chapter.

Epic Quest Time Lulz (Part One)

As Fluttershy and our hero travelled deeper into the depths of the cave, the air started to grow more humid and hot. It stank of evil. And sweat and shame.

As they continued their descent into the cavern, they soon come across a stream of lava flowing in between where they were and where the needed to be. After some examination, our hero spotted a bridge that went across the stream.

As they approached the bridge, a voice called out to them. “Halt!” the voice cried.

“You can’t tell me what to do! I’m Batman!” Spiderman shouted at the source of the voice.

“No you aren’t, you dumbass.” Fluttershy pointed out.

“Oh yeah lawl.”

A lone figure stepped out of the shadows, revealing himself to the couple.

“Keanu Reeves?” Fluttershy asked.

“Sup?” he asked.

“The Matrix has you lawl.” Spiderman said. Real nigga talk.

“Alright, so, to cross this cavern, you both must answer three questions,” said the chosen one.

“Lawl k.”

Keanu turned to the butter yellow Pegasus. “What is your name?” he asked.

“Fluttershy.”

“What is your quest?”

“I don’t give a fuck.”

“If you wake up in the middle of the night and go into the living room, and see your TV floating away, what do you do?”

“Shout ‘freeze zigger!’”

“Good job, you get to cross,” The One said before turning to our hero, “What is your name?”

“Spiderman.”

“What is your quest?”

“I dunno lawl.”

“What’s President Obama’s middle name?”

“Trick question. Monkey’s don’t have middle names.”

“Good job. You get a treat.” Keanu Reeves said as he tossed a dog bone to our hero, pegging him in the forehead. However, he didn’t give a fuck. Because he’s Spiderman.

“Let’s go,” the yellow Pegasus said.

“Lawl k.”

“Wait.”

The two turned back to Keanu, who casually floated over to them. “Take me with you.”

“Why?”

“It’s much more dangerous up ahead, you’ll need all the help you can get,” he said.

“Besides… this gig pays well, but it’s pretty boring.”

After a moment’s thought, Fluttershy shrugged. “Sure, whatever.”

Neo put on a pair of sunglasses. “Bitchin.”

Bruce Campbell quickly slid out of the way, narrowly dodging the tank’s ram, before quickly picking himself up. Slinging his AA-12 over his shoulder, Bruce revved up his chainsaw arm and shifted into a combat stance.

The tank turned around and noticed that it’s foe still stood and charged at him once again. This time, Bruce didn’t dodge. As the gargantuan beast closed the distance between the two, Bruce slashed through it’s left arm and kicked the beast hard enough to knock it over.

Before it could rise once more, Bruce was on top of it. He made quick work of the beast, severing it’s last remaining arm before taking off it’s head, kicking the dismembered head away from the body like it was a weapon.

Satisfied the creature was once again dead, Bruce Campbell stepped back and admired his work.

But this break didn’t last long, as the moans of the undead filled the air, reminding him of his current situation, as well as the mission at hand.

Picking up his discarded AA-12 and checking it for ammo, Bruce readied himself for another onslaught.

And he waited…

And waited...

Minutes later, Bruce realized that he still hasn’t fallen under attack.

Then, gunshots in distance reminded him of the Marines that stayed behind to save him and his two compatriots some time. Realizing that they needed him more than Spidey and Fluttershy probably did, Bruce started running in their direction.

On the other side of the cavern, Spiderman and Fluttershy, now accompanied by Keanu Reeves, discovered a large, metal door. With the press of a button, the door slid open, allowing the trio to enter.

“This is the laboratory that the virus originated from. The people in charge of this facility are former Nazi scientists who were forced to work for the Soviet Union who ended up helping Saddam Hussein build WMD and ended up working in Guatameno Bay, and would like nothing more destroy Equestria. In fact, that’s what they are trying to do.”

“Brutal lawl.” Spiderman commented.

“But since you’re working for them, doesn’t that make you evil?” Fluttershy asked.

“Money’s money. Besides, I don’t judge you for smoking pot.” Keanu responded.

“There is a big difference smoking pot and helping evil scientists develop a virus to kill millions,” the yellow Pegasus retorted.

“Frankly, I don’t give a fuck.”

The trio continued down the passage, their footsteps echoing down the narrow hallway. Their pace quickened as they neared the light at the end of the tunnel.

Finally, they exited the tunnel, revealing two large canyons. One had two bases directly across from each other, and the other was a much larger gulch, with two bases on each end of the gulch. In each canyon, one base would be the color red, and the other would be colored blue.

“These outposts are called Battle Canyon and Blood Gulch. Originally, they worked together to protect the lab from anyone who didn’t properly answer my riddles, or just pissed me off. However, word around the office is the inhabitants of Battle Canyon got bored with the drills between their red and blue squads and went after the inhabitants of Blood Gulch. The soldiers in Blood Gulch have been pushed back to the blue base in the east end of Blood Gulch, so most of the guarding duties are taken care of by the guys in Battle Canyon, so be ready for a fight,” Keanu explained as they approached the wall separating the passageway and the two canyons, “We have a few options for getting past these guys. We can either kill everyone, help one of the sides overcome the other, or try to broker a peace between-“

“No.” Spiderman said.

“Pardon?”

“Peace sucks lawl.”

Keanu shrugged. “This is your journey, guys, so make up your mind. I recommend helping one of the sides, at least. They’ll likely help you in the next challenge for helping them.”

“Helping the guys in Blood Gulch seems like more of a challenge.” Fluttershy said.

“Work sucks.” Spiderman commented.

“Spidey, helping the guys in Blood Gulch involves lots of action and explosions.”

“Oh sweet lawl.”

“Alright, if we’re helping the Purples-“

“The what?” Fluttershy interjected.

“The guys in Battle Canyon call the guys in Blood Gulch the Purples. The guys in Battle Canyon are called the Zealots, because of their crazy religion based around their flag.” Keanu explained.

“Sounds like a fun bunch.” Fluttershy said.

“They can be… occasionally… let’s get this show on the road. Just follow my lead, and we should be fine,” The One said.

Epic Quest Time Lulz (Part Two)

As the trio approached the wall, a voice called out from the fortifications above.

“HALT! WHO GOES THERE?!” A whiney, nasally voice called out.

“Relax xxx1337haxor69xxx, it’s just me. Got some visitors who are going to check out the facilities.” Keanu responded.

“OH YEAH?! WHY DIDN’T WE HEAR ABOUT TI?!” xxx1337haxor69xxx shouted back.

“Must have been some failure in communication. I’ll let the boss know that he should double check next time. But if you don’t let me and my guests in, it will be your ass.”

After a moment’s pause, the gateway to the canyons slowly opened up for the trio. “ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT! DON’T MAKE ME REGRET THIS!”

“No problem. Have a good day.”

“IT’S ALWAYS FUCKING DAY HERE!”

“Don’t worry! The techs are working on that.” Keanu said as the trio walked through the gateway. They came across two paths. One had a sign that said Battle Canyon outpost. The other path’s sign was partially destroyed and was vandalized, but upon examination, part of Blood Gulch can be made out. It also appears someone scribbled down ‘purple sux’ in crayon on the sign.

After Spiderman pushed over the partially destroyed lunch and disposed of his lunch on it for great justice, the trio made their way into the canyon known as Blood Gulch.

One by one, Marine after Marine fell in a swarm of bodies, their flesh being ripped away from their bones as the Marine screamed for mercy. Now, only two were left. Twilight Sparkle and Corporal Red Shirt.

Twilight held a cool face, despite the situation at hand. Completely surrounded, constantly under attack, and completely outnumbered with no reinforcements.

Firing off the last of her magazine into the face of a walker who was getting too close for comfort, the Lieutenant slung her rifle and pulled out her ka-bar and her sidearm. She quickly put two rounds in a zombies head, then stabbed another in the temple. After bucking another zombie in the chest, she quickly let the empty magazine fall out of her M16 and replaced it with a fresh one.

A bloodcurdling scream rang out, silencing all the moans and cries of the undead of a couple seconds. Twilight looked over her shoulder to see Red Shirt fall to the ground with a walker biting into his neck. She switched to semi and put a round in Red Shirt’s head before turning her rifle back on the zombies and getting back to work.

It seemed like for every walker that fell, ten would take it’s place. With no Marines left to back her up, and the fact that she was hopelessly outmanned and surrounded, her situation looked bleak.

She wasn’t letting those beasts get her. If she was going out, she was going out on her own terms.

Twilight backed up against a wall and went to work, putting down as many zombies as she could.

*click*

She was out of ammo.

Dropping her M16 and sliding to the ground, she pulled out her sidearm and put it to her head.

Her imminent self-termination was interrupted by the sound of rolling thunder. Twilight looked up to see Bruce Campbell emerging from the miles of tombstones surrounding her, his AA-12 blasting away, cutting down the zombie hoard with a storm of explosive rounds.

Twilight rose off the ground and brought up her sidearm, emptying the rest of her clip into the herd of walkers making their way towards their new prey. When it clicked empty, she let the empty clip fall to the ground before she slammed a fresh clip inside of it, sliding it into her holster, and picking up a fallen Marine’s M4.

Firing in quick, controlled bursts, Twilight slowly advanced towards the dwindling hoard. Her fire combined with the overwhelming firepower of Bruce’s AA-12 made quick work of the walkers, decimating their numbers and finally finishing them off.

After the last zombie fell, half of it’s head blown off, the Lieutenant made her way over to Bruce Campbell, swapping her nearly spent magazine with a fresh one.

“Thanks for the back-up. Wasn’t looking forward to becoming a member of the hoard,” Twilight said.

“Don’t mention it.”

“I just did.”

“Whatever. I saw a structure due north of here we could hole up in. We probably have enough time to gather weapons and ammo and get over there before the next wave of walkers show up,” said Twilight.

“Good. Let’s get to work.”

The path that the trio walked down opened up, revealing a large gulch to them. A few meters away, our hero spotted the former red base and the Zealot fire line. In the distance, he could see the current Purple base, with what looked like a giant scorpion rolling around the base.

‘Kickass,’ our hero thought to himself.

The trio made their way past the Zealot fire line, their movements being tracked by a nearby tank. Someone with a really squeaky voice called out “DEAD MAN WALKING” as they entered no man’s land.

As they approached the Purple base, the giant scorpion, which ended up behind another tank, made it’s way over to them, it’s giant cannon aimed directly at them.

“Hello. You have five seconds to state your business or you will be destroyed,” a female voice from the tank said.

“Stand down Sheila, it’s just me,” Keanu Reeves said, “Just showing some new people the facility.”

“Oh! Hello Neo. I wasn’t expecting you to be visiting. The director didn’t say anything about any tours.”

“There was a glitch in the system,” he explained.

“Oh. Alright. Then go on right ahead. Just don’t touch anything.” Sheila said as she rolled on, continuing her patrol.

The trio continued towards the base. As they entered, they found themselves looking down the barrel of a battle rifle, held by a soldier clad in black armor.

“What’s the password?” she asked.

“Password lawl.” Spiderman said.

The black soldier glanced over the mismatching trio. “Either you’re really stupid, or you are our reinforcements.”

“It’s a mixture of both.” Fluttershy said with a shrug.

“Lawl yeah.”

“Talking ponies, huh? Now I really have seen everything. I thought you were just the idiot’s pet or something.”

Fluttershy glared at armor clad soldier, but held her tongue.

“Anyways, go on ahead. Talk to the red guy named Sarge. He’s the one with the shotgun,” she said, waving on the trio as she slung her rifle and leaned up against a nearby wall.

Keanu Reeves shrugged and continued into the base’s main room, Fluttershy and our hero in tow. There, standing over detailed maps of both Blood Gulch and Battle Canyon, was a red guy with a shotgun slung over his shoulder. A soldier in brown armor stood in the corner, his finger hovering over his assault rifle’s trigger. Another soldier in maroon armor stood over the red soldier, watching him intently.

“You Sarge?” Keanu Reeves asked.

“Who wants to know?” he asked with a Southern accent as he faced them.

“Your reinforcements,” the One responded.

“I ask for reinforcements two weeks ago, and Command sends me a guy in a red and blue spandex suit, a guy straight out of the Matrix, and a fucking pony? Is this some kind of fucking joke?”

“Lawl nope,” our hero said.

Sarge’s shoulders slumped as he let out a frustrated groan. “I hope you’re better than nothing, though you certainly don’t look it. The crew quarters are downstairs. It’s a bit cramped, but I don’t want to hear any bitching. Get some armor and some better weapons. We attack in two hours. Simmons, show the newbies to their quarters and set them up.”

“Yes sir!” Simmons responded before waving to the trio to follow him, “Come on, let’s go get you suited up.”

Oh wait...

"Wake up, Spiderman..." Fluttershy said, nudging our hero gently.

Our hero stirred in his sleep and sat up, looking over at the Pegasus. "WHERE ARE THE ZOMBIES?!" he demanded.

"Zombies? There aren't any-"

"ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!" our hero demanded.

"I'm sorry, what-"

"I NEED MORE TP FOR MY BUNGHOLE!" Spiderman exclaimed, jumping up from the couch and launching himself out a nearby window, leaving a startled Pegasus behind.

"WHAT THE FUCK?!" she screamed.

Le Fin

Author's Notes:

I forgot where I was going with that storyline lulz.

More Spiderman coming soon.

If a black guy does magic, is it black magic?

Our hero sat on the couch that has been his bed for the past couple months, a can of Red Bull in one hand and a can of Coors in the other. Beside him was Fluttershy, lying on her back with her head resting on 60’s Era Spiderman’s lap.

“Hit me," Fluttershy ordered.

Spiderman nodded, pouring a mixture of beer and energy drink into the yellow pone's mouth. Once it was filled, she closed her mouth and swallowed like a good girl.

“That hit the spot.” she said, turning her attention back to the TV. WWE Monday Night Raw was on. Fluttershy started watching it with our hero shortly after he gave her the single fuck he’d ever give. She, like Spiderman, would sit back and let a mixture of Red Bull and Coors pour down her hroat as she watched sweaty men duke it out in a choreographed match.

While it sounded mad gay at first, the yellow pegasus had to admit that it was entertaining.

“I will stop you, Mistress Mystery!” Hulk Hogan shouted at a familiar alabaster unicorn, whom was dressed in what could pass as a BDSM outfit and a Guy Fawkes mask.

“Nay, Mr. Hogan! This is the end of the supremacy of humanity in WWE. Now, the ponies shall rule this!” Rarity, or Mistress Mystery, retorted.

“God dammit, you fucking ponies took Sergeant Slaughter’s job!” Hogan growled, causing the crowd to gasp.

“They took his job?" someone in the crowd asked.

"THEY TOOKER JOB!" another person shouted back

"DEY TOOKER JEERRRBBB!"

"DERKA DUURRRRRR!”

“I’m gonna kick your ass!” someone shouted out.

“A NEW CHALLENGER APPEARS!” the announcer called out as a cloaked figure swung down from the roof and landed in between the two. The cloaked figure removed his garb and reveaedl a certain propane salesman.

“It’s Hank Hill, assistant manager at Strickland Propane!” someone in the crowd shouted out.

“I can’t allow you ponies to keep taking American jobs! It’s causing taxes to rise, and that’s a propane in my ass!” he shouted, rearing back and kicking Rarity in the fucking face.

“Ow! Don’t you know it’s impolite to hit a lady?!” she screeched, rising from the ground.

“You’re a fucking horse, not a lady. I’m gonna kick your ass!” Hank Hill tore his shirt open and revealed his muscular chest, causing the crowd to erupt into cheers.

“But what’s this?” the announcer asked.“IT’S EL DRAGON PURPURA!”

Spike, wearing a luchador mask, climbed into the ring, armed with a folded chair. He sprinted up behind Hank and hit him in the back with it, knocking the assistant manager down to the ground. Before the baby dragon could strike once more, Hulk Hogan charged forward and punted him straight into Rarity, sending both flying.

“This is getting intense,” Fluttershy commented.

“Lawl, I know. It kicks ass,” Spiderman said.

An hour later, Hulk Hogan stood over a crushed and beaten Spike, flexing his muscles for the crowds. Hank and Rarity both lay defeated besides him, covered in dirt, blood, and bruises.

“Watch out, Hulk!” someone called out. Rarity rose off the ground and blasted him with her magic, sending him flying out of the ring. Rarity launched up into the air and crashed into him, pinning him. Hulk struggled, but wasn’t able to escape the pin before the ref finished his countdown.

Rarity won.

“Well, that was a good match,” Fluttershy said.

“Lawl 'k,” Spiderman said, not giving a fuck as he opened up another can of Coors and downed it in one go. Fluttershy quickly followed his example.

Spiderman isn’t the best role model.

“So, what now?” the yellow pegasus asked.

The pathetic excuse for a superhero scratched his chin as he thought. “Let’s experiment with black magic,” he finally said.

“Kick ass.”

*knock knock*

Twilight looked away from the M16 that she was cleaning and looked towards the door before stealing a quick glance at her watch

2230.

The Marine groaned, grumbling to herself angrily as she rose off the couch and stomped over to the front door. Upon opening it, she spotted a familiar yellow pegasus and a faggot in red and blue spandex.

“What do you want?” she asked.

“We’re going to experiment with black magic,” the Element of Not Giving a Fuck answered.

Twilight’s ears perked up at this. “Really?”

“Yeah, lawl,” our hero said.

A small smile spread across the Marine’s face. “Then come on in.”

The pair made their way inside as Twilight rushed over to a nearby bookcase, removing an old tome with her magic and tossing it carelessly on the floor.

“What shall we do first?” Twiilight asked, sitting in front of the book and opening it. Fluttershy and our hero sat beside her.

“Um...” Fluttershy began.

“Penis enlargement!” Spiderman shouted out, interrupting the pegasus.

“Let’s do it,” the purple unicorn said, flipping through the tome. "RAINBOW DASH! Get down here!”

“Yes...?” the rainbow-haired librarian asked cautiously as she descended the stairwell.

“Come down here and help us. We need to test something," Twilight replied.

The light-cerulean pegasus shrugged and descended the stairs, walking up to the trio and taking a seat beside the Marine.

While Twilight tried to find a page on penis enlargement, Spiderman decided to make use of his time and do what a Spiderman does.

He turned away from the three mares, reached into his bottoms, and started stealthily fapping.

“...Spiderman...?” Fluttershy asked, noticing this.

“Sneaky wank, lawl,"” he said.

Fluttershy ignored the Spiderman, turning her attention back to Twilight. She continued flipping through her tome before stopping about halfway through the old book “Ah hah! Penis enlargement!” Twilight exclaimed. After a few moments of reading, she turned on the oblivious librarian seated next to her, her horn glowing with a black aura.

Rainbow Dash glanced over, noticing this. “TWILIGHT, WHAT THE FUCK?!” she demanded angrily, “DON’T POINT THAT AT ME!”

It was too late. The spell activated as Rainbow Dash was hit by a blast of magic, sending her flying across the room and into a wall. As she sat there, stunned by the impact, a small bump started to grow on her forehead. At first, it appeared to just be an injury caused by the pegasus crashing into the wall. However, the bump continued to grow and started to morph into a tube-like shape.

“No way.” Twilight's eye twitched.

A fully-erect five-foot cock had sprouted out of the librarian’s head. She glanced up to see why her head was suddenly so heavy and screeched at the sight of the giant pecker growing out of her forehead, before the
weight of the cock caused her to fall face-first into the ground.

“That’s fucking hilarious!” Fluttershy exclaimed. She and our hero went into hysterics, falling over each other as they laughed to their hearts' content. A small chuckle escaped the purple unicorn's mouth before she too joined them in their hysterics.

“Get it off!” Rainbow Dash cried.

“No, no, this is too precious!” Twilight slammed her hooves on the floor as she continued to laugh.

“Quit playing!” the librarian protested., pouting.

“...Fine.” Twilight took a breath and regained her composure before sneaking a peek at the book. “It says that it should wear off in a minute or two if accidentally inflicted on something that does not have a penis... and to seek immediate medical attention if it last more than four hours.”

“Great," Dash grumbled.

“Cheer up, at least you can brag about how you make Big Mac look like Pipsqueak,” Fluttershy said, smirking as she patted the librarian on the back.

“You’re not helping...” Rainbow Dash mumbled under her breath.

“I don’t give a fuck,” Fluttershy said, before turning back to Twilight. “What next?”

“Summoning?” the unicorn suggested.

“I can dig it, lawl," Spiderman said.

“Ready?” Rainbow Dash asked, watching as Spiderman and Fluttershy kicked the massive dong that grew out of her forehead and fell off minutes later back and forth.

“Ready.” Twilight nodded as she finished creating the summoning circle, which a small smiley face drawn with the blood of our hero. Why he did it, no one knows. Probably thought he was going to score.

“Alright Spidey, do your stuff,” Fluttershy ordered.

“Lawl k,” he replied, walking over to the summoning circle. He bit his thumb, running his blood across the “contract”, that would make whatever arose from the summoning circle serve our hero.

“Say the magic words, Spidey,” Twilight prompted.

“Summoning justu!” our hero exclaimed, forming the boar, dog, bird, monkey, and ram signs with his hand and placing his hand on the summoning circle. “Believe it, lawl.”

The ground shook violently as a cloud of smoke appeared over the summoning circle. The sound of nails or claws tapping against the floor impatiently filled the air. Moments later, the smoke faded away, evealing what our hero had summoned.

It was a tall, slender reptilian, sporting a black top hat and what appeared to be a scouter. On his lips was a neatly trimmed mustache, similar to Joseph Stalin’s mustache. The creature grinned, revealing a set of large and extremely sharp teeth.

It was a fucking velociraptor. They summoned a fucking velociraptor.

“Kick ass,” Fluttershy commented.

The raptor walked towards our hero and genuflected before him. “Are you my master?” he asked, sounding exactly like Nigel Thornberry.

“Probably, lawl,” Spiderman responded in his usual fashion.

“Smashing! My name is--”

“Your name is Fluffles,” our hero stated.

“Sir Lance the--wait, what?”

“Your--name--is--Fluffles,” Spiderman repeated.

“That’s not my name,” the velociraptor said, frowning.

Our hero shrugged.

“Whatever,” the raptor said. “Since you have summoned me, it is my duty to serve you until the contract is void.”

“Bitchin’.”

“Now, what shall I do for you?” he asked.

“I dunno, lawl. Let’s drink some beer.”

Fluffles raised a brow. “I’m a velociraptor with an unmatched magical and hand-to-hand combat ability, and you want to drink beer with you?”

“Sure, lawl,” our hero responded.

“Why not?” Fluttershy interjected.

The raptor shrugged. “Basically every master I had used me as their personal assassin. To be honest, this is the first time I’ve been asked to simply... what’s the word they are using now a days... chill, is it?”

“Bummer,” Rainbow Dash commented, watching the raptor with fascination.

“You’re my bro, Fluffles. Lawl. Now, brofist me and pop open a beer,” Spiderman prompted, opening up a can of Coors and extending his fist out to the velociraptor.

“I’m your... bro?” asked Fluffles.

Our hero nodded.

Fluffles the gentlemanly raptor smiled, bumping his claw against our hero’s outstretched hand. “Bully!”

Le fin.

A day in Cunterlot (End of Act II)

60’s Era Spiderman swung from high rise to high rise, having finally remembered how to shot web. There were no ponies. There were no dragons chasing him and trying to make a quick meal out of him. No cockblocking super villains. Nothing.

Our hero didn’t particularly care. He was getting laid. Today.

“SPIDERMAN!” Lex Luther (because fuck you, that’s why) called out, “I’M GOING TO BLOW UP THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING.”

“I don’t give a fuck. Lawl.” Our hero retorted as he continued to swing through Badly Animated New York City.

Minutes later, he found himself outside Mary Jane’s apartment. After rapping his knuckles on the door, it opened, revealing the red head in some revealing white lingerie, a lit blunt hanging loosely from her fingers.

“Lawl hi.” Spiderman said.

“Hey.” She said, waving our hero inside.

“Sweet.” He commented as he made his way inside.

Our hero made his way over to a nearby couch and sat on it, turning on the TV and switching to House M.D.

Because there are only three good things in this world: Weed, sex, and House.

Mary Jane sat beside our hero, undoing his pants and leaning down slightly. “You’re getting some fuck.” She said.

“Bitchin’.” Our hero said.

Getting a blowjob while watching House? How much better could this get?

“Oh, and there’s some weed and Dr. Pepper on the table. It’s all yours.” The red head said, motioning to the coffee table in front our hero.

Alright, now his life was complete. And nothing could ruin this moment-

“SPIDERMAN!” Fluttershy shouted right in our hero’s ear, “WAKE THE FUCK UP.”

Spiderman groaned. “Fuck off yellow hush. I’m trying get laid.”

“Piss off. Power Rangers are on.” She said, pushing our hero off the couch and hopping onto it, flipping on her TV and changing it to Power Rangers.

“Go go Power Rangers!” the show’s theme blasted from the yellow Pegasus’s surround sound speaker system.

Realizing that it was hopeless and he wouldn’t be able to experience the best dream ever, Spiderman sat beside the diminutive yellow pony. Fluttershy tossed our hero a can of Mountain Dew, which he caught like a boss and popped open.

“That green ranger sure can kick some ass.” Fluttershy commented.

“Lawl yeah.” Our hero responded, finishing off the can in one go.

“So, what’s on the agenda today?” the yellow Pegasus asked after watching several minutes of multi-colored teenagers kicking ass with cheap explosions going off every other second.

“Huffing paint?” Spiderman asked.

“No, we did that yesterday.”

“Oh yeah, lawl.”

After several minutes of thinking, Fluttershy’s head popped up. “Let’s go fuck up Canterlot.”

“Bitchin’.”

As Fluttershy and Spiderman made their way to the front door, Fluffles, whom was sleeping on a mattress beside our hero, poked his head up and looked their way.

“Do you wish for me to join you?” he asked.

“It’s not necessary.” Fluttershy replied.

“Very well then. I shall stay here and watch House.” the raptor replied, hopping onto the couch and turning on the TV.

“It’s not lupus.” our hero said.

“It never is,” the gentlemanly reptile responded with a sigh, “farewell, my friends!”

“Dunna nuna nuna nuna nuna nuna Batman!” Spiderman exclaimed as he raced through the Canterlot mane gates and kicked a random noble as hard as he could in his testicles.

“WHAT THE FUCK?!” the noble shouted, falling to the ground and clutching his groin, writhing in pain.

“FUCK YOU I’M BATMAN.” our hero said, kicking the noble in the stomach.

“Um... you’re Spiderman.” Fluttershy reminded our hero.

“Oh yeah lawl.”

“Come on, let’s go fuck with those guards who can’t do anything but just stand there.” Fluttershy said.

The pair made their way towards the palace, our hero kicking a few more nobles in the sack for the hell of it. As they looked up at the palace towering over them, Fluttershy spotted one of the famous Royal Guards, known for their unmatched discipline and being able to stand around for hours on end without moving.

This was going to be fun.

“Come on, Spidey.” Fluttershy prompted.

“Lawl k.” our hero said, pulling a Red Bull out of Fluttershy’s saddlebags and downing it in seconds.

“Sup faggot?” the diminutive yellow pegasus asked the Guard as she walked up to him, our hero in tow.

He didn’t respond.

“Not talking? Your mom didn’t make a lot of noise either, after I killed her and raped her rotting corpse.” Fluttershy said.

The guard blinked, but still didn’t speak.

Fluttershy scratched her chin. “Spiderman, execute maneuver whiskey tango foxtrot six.”

“Go go gadget dick!” Spiderman exclaimed, pulling out his cock and bitch slapping the guard with it.

Still nothing.

“I said six, not eight, Spidey.” Fluttershy said.

“Oh yeah, lawl.” he responded, watching as the yellow pegasus next to him walked next to the guard and lifted up her leg.

The two nodded to each other, before they simultaneously started pissing in the guard’s face.

“OW! FUCK! IT’S IN MY FUCKING EYES! I THINK I’VE GONE BLIND!” the guard finally spoke up, screeching in pain.

“Lawl faggot.” our hero said as they walked away from the guard. Fluttershy turned and ran towards the guard, bucking him in the dick with all her strength and catching up our hero.

“Spiderman, Fluttershy!” a regal voice called out.

The two looked up in the sky to see Princess- wait, no- Empress Luna glide down to them and land beside them.

“Good to see some bros here. Everypony in Canterlot are assholes. I would have them all killed if I didn’t make billions off them.” the empress said, extended her hoof at to the two. They immediately bumped their fist/hoof against it.

“Luna, my nigga, how are you?” Fluttershy asked.

“All is good in the neighborhood, my friend.” Luna responded, “Let’s go get some fucking waffles and catch up.”

“Fuck yeah!” Spiderman proclaimed.

“WE DEMAND WAFFLES!” Empress Luna declared as she, 60’s Era Spiderman, and the Element of Not Giving a Fuck entered the Canterlot Wafflehouse.

The hostess walked up to the empress, shaking like Japan in the 21st Century and looking like she was about to shit herself. “G-good evening, e-empress. C-choose any s-s-seat you want.”

Spiderman walked past the hostess and his companions and approached the table near the center of the room, where a group of nobles were eating.

“What do you want, peasant?” one dared ask our hero.

Spiderman pulled out his cock and aimed it at the group of nobles.

The jaws of the nobles gathered at the table immediately dropped.

“Get out.” our hero prompted.

“We’ll do no such thing!” another noble spoke up.

Our hero cocked his cock. “GTFO!” he shouted.

“Oh shit nigga, I think he’s serious.” the original noble said, prompting him and his companions to abandon their seats and got the fuck out of the Wafflehouse as quickly as possible.

Laughing at the faggy rich ponies, the trio quickly took their seats, Spiderman knocking their dishes onto the floor and folding his hands on the table.

“Good job, Spidey.” Luna complemented.

Spiderman shrugged.

After a few ponies swept away the broken dishes away from the table, shooting our hero dirty looks, a preppy looking pony with a nice flank made her way over to the table. “Hi! I’m Cotton Candy, and I’ll be your waitress today!” she said with a bright smile.

“Waffles, pls.” Luna said.

“Fuck yeah.” Fluttershy said, “Let’s get some waffles up in this bitch.”

“Three orders of waffles coming right up!” the waitress said, turning a 180 and walking away.

“So Spiderman... may I ask you a question?” Luna asked.

“What?”

“...do you not give a fuck, still?” she asked.

Our hero took a deep breath and stared deeply at the empress. “A lot of people ask me... am I afraid of death?”

Luna looked at him with a sort of ‘what the fuck’ face.

“Hell yeah I’m afraid of death. I don’t wanna die yet.” he went on.

“...what does this have to do with anything?” the empress asked Fluttershy. She responded with a shrug.

“A lot of people think that I worship the devil. That I do all types of retarded shit.”

“...but you do.” Fluttershy interjected. Our hero didn’t respond to this.

“Look, I can’t change the way I think. I can’t change the way I am,” he continued, “But if I offended you, good. Because I still don’t give a fuck.”

“...I guess that answers my inquiry.” Luna said. She could tell he was smirking at her under that mask.

Suddenly, the doors of the Wafflehouse flung open, and in crept Fluffles the gentlemanly velociraptor. He looked around and spotted the trio sitting in the center of the restaurant and quickly moonwalked his way over to them.

“Sup?” our hero asked him.

“Well, I was strolling through the streets and spotted that castle in the distance," he said, taking a seat and pointing to the palace out the window, "so I decided to go check it out to see if there were any free maidens around, and I spotted you three making your way into this establishment."

"I GOT YOUR FUCKING WAFFLES! HERP DERP!" a half-retarded stallion announced as slammed a plate with dozens of waffles into the middle of the table. The waitress then set out some plates before the four and walked away.

"Waffles?" the raptor asked, picking up his fork and stabbing the top waffle, before bringing it up to his face and scanning it with his scouter. After curiously sniffing it, he shrugged and took a large bite out of it.

"Not bad," he said, tossing the half-eaten waffle aside (which exploded on impact with the ground off-screen), "what's in it?"

"It's got waffle in them lawl." our hero responded.

"...you fucking liar."

Our hero, his gentlemanly talking velociraptor companion, and the two mares accompanying him sat there shooting the shit and eating waffles all day long. By the time they left, night had already fallen. As much as Spiderman wanted to continue screwing around and kicking rich assholes in the dick, it was getting late.

Luna left that party son after they left the Wafflehouse, and after kicking a few more ponies in the balls, our hero, Fluffles, and Fluttershy made their way back to the yellow pegasus's cottage on the edge of Ponyville.

As Spiderman settled in his bed/couch for the night, he wondered to himself what he would do tomorrow.

That's up for the reader to decide. Sucks to be him.

Choose what our hero will do in the next chapter:

()Go out clubbing with the talking velociraptor gentleman and Lyra

()Go chill with Discord and his bitch

()Go to the new bar in town with Twilight and get drunk

()Troll the everlasting shit out of Rainbow Dash the hot librarian

()Bake with Pinkie Pie. Acquire money and pot brownies

()Torture Celestia with Luna for teh lulz

()Read the Poop That Took a Pee to the children down at the Ponyville Schoolhouse

()Smoke weed with Applejack and help her take down some rival dealers

()Play video games with Spike

()Teach Fluffles the meaning of friendship

()Teach Fluttershy how to french kiss

()Volunteer at a cripple pony school with Fluttershy and attempt to score

If you don't get it, check out the author's notes.

Author's Notes:

From now on, what happens in the next chapter will be decided by the readers. At the end of the previous chapter, there will be a series of options for the readers to choose from. A day or two later, the votes will be tallied and I'll use the option chosen to write a new chapter. Each main character has an option available. If a character's option is chosen, his/her option will be replaced by his next option. Once all the character's options are maxed out, the story ending will be released.

Certain choices will also unlock addition story arcs.

Also, this is the end of the first season. Meaning I'm taking a week break. So fill free to vote to your heart's desire.

I still don't give a fuck (Beginning of Act III)

"Meh." Spiderman said, "I don't give a fuck."

And so our hero slept there all day and night for a week, before deciding that he should go do something.

And what is that?

Find out next chapter.

Author's Notes:

Psst... choosing more than one option just makes your vote worthless.

How a nigga in spandex not gonna like BDSM?

...fuck it.

Our hero sat up in his "bed" and grabbed the remote, switched on the telly, and brought up the On Demand menu.

While he flipped through the hundreds of movies available to him free of charge because Spiderman threatened to detonate a bomb in the cable company's headquarters if they didn't give him free cable, a cute yawn broke the morning silence.

60's Era Spiderman shot a quick glance to the yellow pegasus making her way downstairs, sending a small nod her way.

"Hay." he greeted.

A newly awaken gentlemanly raptor giggle snorted from below. "Hay is for horses, ole' chap." he said.

"Sup homies?" the Element of Not Giving a Fuck responded as she made her way to the kitchen, flung the fridge door open and grabbed a McHot Dog and a mountain dew, before making her way over to our hero's couch and plopping down beside him.

"Not giving a fuck." Spiderman responded, before pounding his fist against the yellow ponies hoof.

"Let's watch that Judge Dredd movie." Fluttershy said as she ate her hotdog in a very seductive manner.

"The most recent one?" Fluffles asked.

"Nah man. The one with Sylvester Stallone. It's so bad it's good." the yellow pegasus answered.

"Bitchin'."

"Bully!"

"I AM THE LAW!" Dredd shouted at Rico.

"LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW!" Rico shouted back.

Our hero and Fluttershy looked at each other. "LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW!!!" they shouted at each other.

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door.

"Fluffles." our hero prompted.

"On it." he said, running over the door.

After a few moments, the raptor called out. "IT'S A NIGGA IN A PURPLE SUIT!"

"OH SHIT!" Spiderman shouted, rolling under a table and hiding.

The raptor walked in with Empress Luna and looked at our hero, before cracking up.

"That's too precious!" the raptor said, balling over and rolling around the floor, laughing his ass off.

An amused smile crept onto the empresses lips. "Indeed."

Our hero crawled out from under the table and bitch slapped the laughing raptor. "Sup?" he asked the empress.

"I'm going to smoke weed and drink mountain dew while I torture my sister because we eviscerate her tomorrow in the name of the law." she responded.

"THE LAW?!" Spiderman asked.

"THE LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW!" the blue alicorn responded.

"LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW!"

"LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW!"

"LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW!"

"ARE YOU A FRIEND OF JUSTICE, SPIDERMAN?!" the empress asked.

"Bitch, I might be."

"Then would you like to join me?" she asked.

"I don't give a fuck lawl."

The empress looked at him confusedly.

"That means yes." Fluttershy said.

"Oh. Come along then, Spidey!" she said.

"Lawl k." he said as he followed her outside.

As the door closed behind them, Fluffles the talking gentlemanly raptor turned towards the Element of Not Giving a Fuck. "So what do we do now, ole' chap?"

"Nigga, we gonna get our game on." she said. She hopped off the couch and opened a nearby cabinet, and, with a twinkle in her eye, pulled out a Jenga box.

"Smashing!" Fluffles exclaimed.

A half an hour later, our hero found himself in Empress Luna's room, expertly rolling two blunts and handing one to the empress and taking the other one for himself.

"Thank you very much." she said, lighting it and taking a nice long drag of it, holding it in for around twenty to thirty seconds, then letting it all out.

"Sharing is caring lawl." our hero said, watching the empress go. Taking this a challenge, our hero lit up his blunt and took an equally long drag, then holding it in for a full four hundred and twenty seconds. Impossible? You do remember this guy drank an entire pint of straight vodka like twenty chapters ago, right?

"Impressive," Luna commented with a light giggle as our hero let it all out.

"Meh. I've done better." our hero said, "Wu-Tang Clan ain't nothing to fuck with."

"Quite right." the blue alicorn responded.

There was a small knock at the door.

"Who is it?" Luna asked.

The door opened, revealing a Royal Guard. He was clad in all black and wore a blue plate carrier, which was the new standard look for the Royal Guards.

"Empress, the prisoner is ready." the guard said.

"Excellent. Are you ready, Spiderman?" the blue alicorn asked.

"My body is ready." he responded.

"Great. Lead the way, guard."

Fluttershy very carefully removed a jenga stick from the tower and placed it aside.

This was it.

The tower stood for another five seconds, before falling apart like the White House's Benghazi story.

"Bully! I win!"

"Hacks! I demand a rematch!" Fluttershy called out.

The couple quickly reassembled the jenga tower.

"Ladies first." Fluffles said.

"Why thank you." she said with a smile, before pulling out a piece of the tower.

Seconds later, it failed just like Fukashima's nuclear reactors, crashing to the floor like house's during Hurricane Katrina.

"BULLSHIT!" Fluttershy screeched.

"Haha!" the raptor laughed.

"FUCK YOU!" Fluttershy shouted as she tackled the velociraptor to the ground.

"Here she is." their guide said, opening a large blast door and revealing a large chamber. Inside it lay a dirty and beaten white alicorn, tied to the ground with heavy chains.

Slowly, her head lifted towards the open door way, her large soulless eyes penetrating through the darkness.

The guard, whom was visibly unnerved, quickly made his exit.

The white alicorn blinked, staring at the empress. "Hello, sister." she greeted.

"Hello, Celestia." the blue alicorn responded.

Her eyes turned to our hero. Seconds later, her soulless gaze turned into one of hunger, and her voice turned to a more mischievous and lustful tone. "Who's your friend?" she asked.

"I'm Rick James, bitch. Lawl." our hero responded.

"He's Spiderman." Luna said.

"Oooooooooooooo~! Lil' Luna has a coltfriend? Whatever, I'll just fuck him like every other colt you've-"

The empress walked forward and promptly bitch slapped the white alicorn, the force behind the blow managing the knock out a few of her teeth.

"Oh snap!" Spiderman exclaimed.

"You shut your whore mouth!" Luna shouted in the smug white alicorn's face, before kicking her in the side, eliciting a moan of both pain and pleasure from the white alicorn.

"Yes! Harder!" Celestia squealed, before coughing violently. Some blood splattered onto the floor below.

"Yay! Violence!" Spiderman exclaimed, kicking the former princess in the face, dislocating her jaw and sending several of her teeth flying.

"Hahahahaha!" the white alicorn laughed with her eyes closed. Upon finishing her laugh, her eyes opened, and stream of tears rolled down her cheeks. Her eyes no longer looked hungry or lustful... but rather pathetic, sad, and tired.

A shaky white hoof dipped into the pool of blood forming below her and started writing on a dry spot in the nearby floor.

Once she finished, the two could make out the words 'kill me' in the blood.

Luna's face turned to a neutral expression as she started at these words. "A few months before you showed up, a demon spirit known as the Anti-Spice showed up in Equestria and possessed my sister. She used to be the kindest pony in Equestria... but once she was possessed, she turned into a vile dictator who had an unquenchable thirst for sex and molestation. The people soon revolted with the assistance of most of our military and me."

She slowly approached the crying, white alicorn and lifted her chin up, staring into her sad eyes. "What you are now seeing is the true Celestia. We would get rid of the demon... but as we learned, the only way to kill it is to kill the host. Otherwise, it'll go off and oppress somepony else. Celestia and I have always been firm believers in the saying 'the needs of many outweigh the needs of the few.'"

The empress reached under her long cloak and produced a handgun, putting it to her sister's head.

"I'm sorry, sister." she said, sniffling. "I will always love you."

The white alicorns lips moved, mouthing the words 'thank you'.

*BANG*

"YOU BITCH!"

"I'LL KILL YOU!"

The raptor and the yellow pegasus rolled around the floor, both desperately trying to pin the other down and gain dominance. Neither of them were truly serious about this, as if it were an actual fight, the gentlemanly raptor could easily tear the yellow pegasus to shreds, and the Element of Not Giving a Fuck could have simply reached for the handgun taped to the bottom of the table and busted a cap into the reptiles ass.

After a few more more of wrestling, Fluttershy managed to pin the raptor to the floor.

"Good show, ole' chap. Jolly good show." the raptor complemented.

"Mhmm." Fluttershy said, before her face turned into one of curiousity, "Say Fluffles... do raptors even have penis's?"

"Hmm... in my home dimension, me and my kind do." the raptor responded, looking up at the yellow pegasus confusedly.

"So you have a penis?"

"Correct."

"Good."

Before Fluffles the talking gentlemanly raptor could even ask what the pegasus meant by this, she leaned down and pressed her soft lips against his scaly lips, silencing him.

By the time our hero returned to Fluttershy's cottage, it was already dark. His head light from the smoking and drinking after Luna executed her own sister, he opened the door and made his way over to his bed/couch and plopped down on it.

"So, how was it?" Fluffles asked from his doggie bed beside the couch.

"She killed her sister then we smoked pot. Not like I give a fuck. Just an average day for me. Lawl." he answered.

"Bully!"

The two lay there in silence, staring up at the ceiling above.

"I fucked your best friend!" the raptor blurted out.

"WHAT?!"

CHOOSE YOUR PATH, WARRIOR!

()Go out clubbing with the talking velociraptor gentleman and Lyra

()Go chill with Discord and his bitch

()Go to the new bar in town with Twilight and get drunk

()Troll the everlasting shit out of Rainbow Dash the hot librarian

()Bake with Pinkie Pie. Acquire money and pot brownies

()Read the Poop That Took a Pee to the children down at the Ponyville Schoolhouse

()Smoke weed with Applejack and help her take down some rival dealers

()Play video games with Spike

()Teach Fluffles the meaning of friendship

()Teach Fluttershy how to french kiss THEN GET FRIENDZONED BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T DO THIS FIRST

()Volunteer at a cripple pony school with Fluttershy and attempt to score

The Poop That Took a Pee, narrated by a faggot in spandex

The sun slowly rose of the town of Ponyville, the sun's rays flooding in through the windows of Fluttershy's cottage. As the rays touched our hero's face, he lurched forward and aimed his arms at the window, putting one of those fingers on each hand up.

"Fuck you, Sun!" he exclaimed,

He quickly rose up off his couch/bed and quickly snorted a line of cocaine from the nearby table, then opened up a can of red bull, quickly mixed it up with some Mountain Dew, and downed it in one go.

"HELL YEAH! YOU PARTY HARD OLE' CHAP!" the newly awaken gentlemanly raptor exclaimed.

"FUCK YEAH! IT'S THE ONLY WAY!"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP, I'M TRYING TO SLEEP!" Fluttershy shouted from upstairs.

"Lawl k." Spiderman said, getting up from his bed/couch and making his way into the kitchen. He opened up the kitchen and pulled out a leftover breakfast burrito Spiderman had made using a pancake as a tortilla. Don't try this shit at home, kids. It'll give you a heart attack.

By the time 60's Era Spiderman started to dig into his pancake breakfast burrito and Fluffles got started on a bowl of cheerios, a visibly pissed off Fluttershy made her way into the kitchen, a bottle of whiskey in hoof.

"Morning sunshine," Fluffles greeted.

"Eat a dick lizard," she responded, taking a swig of her whiskey and tossing it across the room, the bottle exploding offscreen.

"We gotta a bleeder lawl." Spiderman said.

Fluttershy sat at the dining room table beside her two companions and pouted in a manner that would turn the meanest person into Mr. Rogers and likely give them diabeetus in the process. "Am not!" she said, "I just wanted to sleep in today."

"Lawl like I give a fuck." our hero said, finishing off his burrito.

Before Fluttershy could tell him when he could shove his lack of fucks, there was a knock at the door.

"Fluttershy, could you-" Fluffles began to ask.

"I'm on break. I'm in the union. I don't do shit for nobody." Fluttershy said.

"Meh." Spiderman said, rising from his seat and making his way over to front door.

"Moshi moshi!" he said as he opened the door. There stood a carise earth pony with a pink mane and an ass tattoo with three flowers. And dayum, she had a booty.

"Oh, hello Mr. Spiderman." the bootylicious mare greeted with a smile.

"Hay." he responded.

"My name is Cheerlee, and I teach at the schoolhouse down the road. My students have idolized you since you and your friends took out those terrorists, and I was wondering if you could come in and read to them."

"I can't read lawl." he lied.

"Oh please, Mr. Spiderman? You can read anything to them that you want."

Our looked behind her and got a good look at her booty.

UNF!

"Anything?" he asked.

"Yes. Anything." she responded.

"Lawl k." he said.

"Oh thank you! You don't know how much this means to me- I mean will mean to the children. Stop by anytime!" she said as she turned around and trotted away.

As our hero closed the door, his raptor bro appeared from behind him. "Do she got a booty, ole' chap?"

"She doooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo." Spiderman responded.

Around noon, our hero arrived on the scene with his raptor companion in tow and book in hand. It was apparently lunch time for the schoolchildren, as most were out frolicing about.

"Woah! Is that Spiderman!?" one of the kids asked to the others in the general area.

"Of course it is. Who else dresses and walks like that? Who let you out of the retard classroom anyways?" another kid responded.

"I dunno durrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr." the original kid responded.

"Spiderman! Over here!" a familiar voice called out.

Spiderman looked around like a fucktard before spotting a familiar teacher heading over to them from the playground area.

"My word. She does have a booty." Fluffles exclaimed in shock, his jaw dropping at the sight of that bootylicious booty.

"Unf." Spiderman said, biting his bottom lip and putting on a pair of sunglasses. Where did he get it? Well, the smell would be a pretty good hint.

"I'm so glad you decided to show, Spiderman. Who's your friend?" she asked

"He's Fluffles." our hero responded.

"Fluffles? But he's a dragon." Cheerilee said, looking at the faggot dressed in red and blue spandex with a perplexed expression.

"Well, actually, I'm a velociraptor," the raptor spoke up, "and my name isn't Fluffles, it's Sir-"

"Fluffles." Spiderman said, interrupting the gentlemanly raptor.

"A thousand curses upon you, Spiderman!" Fluffles said, aiming his arms at the "superhero" and bringing up one finger on each claw.

"Like I give a fuck lawl."

"So, what book did you bring?" the teacher asked, reaching for the book. Spiderman immediately did a double backflip and shot his hand out in a stop motion.

"He wants it to be a surprise." Spiderman's raptor bro said.

"Oh... well, I guess that's fun, right? I'm sure your choice won't disappoint."

After that, Cheerilee escorted the human and the talking velociraptor to the teacher's lounge, where the two chilled and drank coffee while they waited for the bootylicious teacher to get the class ready and come get them. After a few minutes, a pink haired mare poked her head through the door.

"Mr. Spiderman, are you ready?" she inquired.

"My body is ready." our hero responded as he and his talking velociraptor companion rose from their seats and followed the teacher out the door. Several moments later, our hero found himself outside of a closed door. The sounds of battle children talking, shouting, and laughing emanated from inside the room.

"I'll be just a moment." she said with a smile as she opened the door and made her way in.

"Class! Quiet down!" the teacher called out.

The noise quickly died down and the children turned their attention to the teacher.

"Today, we have a very special guest. He will be reading a book of his choice to you. I'm sure you'll enjoy it."

"Booooooooooooooooooooooooooooooriiiiiiiiiiiiiiing!" a pony sporting a diamond tiara exclaimed, preforming a fake yawn.

"BITCH, SAY THAT AGAIN AND I'LL GO IN THERE AND SNAP YOUR FUCKING NECK!" Spiderman bellowed from outside the classroom. The smug filly suddenly appeared like she was going to shit herself.

Cheerilee smiled meekly. "Class, introducing our guest reader for the day, Spiderman!"

Music started playing out of fucking no where as Spiderman moonwalked into the room and did a spin before the class, clutching his groin.

"Hee hee!" he exclaimed.

"WOAH!"

"IT'S SPIDERMAN!"

"Miss Cheerilee, Ah think Diamond Tiara just shit herself."

"IS THAT A DRAGON?!"

"For the last time, I'm not a dragon, I'm a velociraptor!" Fluffles exclaimed as he walked in and stood beside our hero, who struck a heroic pose.

"This my nigga, Fluffles. Everyone say hi Fluffles." Spiderman said.

"Hi Fluffles." the class, save for one student who smelt of shit, greeted. Fluffles bowed before the class.

"Hi kids! Do you like violence?" our hero inquired.

"Yeah yeah yeah." the kids responded.

"Wanna see me stick Nine Inch Nails through each one of my eyelids?"

"Uh-huh!"

"Wanna copy me and do exactly like I did?" (

"Yeah yeah!"

"Try 'cid and get fucked up worse that my life is?"

"Huh?" the kids all asked in unison. Cheerilee's eye twitched.

"Errr... Spiderman..."

"Oh right, lawl." our hero said, as he pulled a fold out out of fucking no where and extended it with a single shake. He sat down in it and opened up his book.

"I'm going to read the Poop That Took a Pee to you. Lawl." our hero said.

"Chapter one..." he began.

"Douglas had to poop, his butt was all stinky because he had to poop so badly. There was a gross woman named Rebecca who was sunbathing all naked and she was fat. Douglas walked up to her and said, 'I need to poop'."

"'Okay', Rebecca replied, 'I like poop'. Douglas squatted down over the fat sunbathing lady and went poop. The poop sat there on Rebecca's boobs, looking like a weiner."

'"Why are we here?'", Douglas cried as poop came out his weiner in a long thin strip, it was weiner-poop, which is the grossest poop of all. The peepee got on the woman's leg and she screamed, pooping out her boobs. And so when the pee got mixed with the poop it smelled like a butt."

"And the poop and the pee lived happily ever after." our hero said as he slammed the book shut and pegged a sleeping diamond tiara wearing filly in the head. "THE END! Lawl."

Everyone in the room, save from a diamond tiara wearing bitch whom was suffering from head trauma, clapped and cheered for our hero. As he struck a pose, the bell ringed, signalling the end of school.

"See you all tomorrow, class! Dismissed!" Cheerilee said. The class cheered, packed up, and trampled the diamond tiara wearing brat as they raced out of the room.

The bootylicious teacher turned to our hero. "I had my doubts in the beginning... and that book was quite disgusting, but I'm happy with how it turned out. Would you mind coming to help out every so often?" she asked.

Spiderman stole a quick peak at her booty. Unf! DAT ASS!

"Lawl k." he said.

"Great! I'll come get you if I ever need anything from you."

"K." he said, before turning to his dino companion, "Let's bounce."

So the two left and went home, then spent the rest of the day watching House and Power Rangers with Fluttershy, with plenty of beer, mountain dew, and pizza.

CHOOSE YOUR PATH, WATCHER OF GIRLY PONIES!

()Go out clubbing with the talking velociraptor gentleman and Lyra

()Go chill with Discord and his bitch

()Go to the new bar in town with Twilight and get drunk

()Troll the everlasting shit out of Rainbow Dash the hot librarian

()Bake with Pinkie Pie. Acquire money and pot brownies

()Smoke weed with Luna then play some Haylo with her (LUNA TIER 2 UNLOCKED)

()Smoke weed with Applejack and help her take down some rival dealers

()Play video games with Spike

()Teach Fluffles the meaning of friendship

()Teach Fluttershy how to french kiss THEN GET FRIENDZONED BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T DO THIS FIRST

()Volunteer at a cripple pony school with Fluttershy and attempt to score

PSA #1: Your vote counts!

"Hi, I'm Pinkie Pie!" Pinkie Pie said excitedly as she waved violently at the camera.

"And I'm Sir- ...er... Fluffles!" Fluffles said with a casual wave.

"And we're here with an important PSA!" the pink party pony said, leaning down and snorting up a long line of cocaine. "I LOVE COCAINE!"

"Indeed we are, Pinkie Pie. As you may have noticed, MarineMarksman has recently unveiled a voting system to choose where the story goes from here on out. He has over eighty chapters planned-"

"Wait just a minute! Did you say eight chapters?!" Pinkie Pie inquired.

"Eighty chapters." the raptor confirmed.

"Eighty chapters?" Pinkie inquired again, obviously not believing him.

"Yes, eighty chapters."

"Eighty?"

"Yes, eighty..." he repeated, getting sick of this shit.

"Eighty...?"

The raptor turned to the pink pony and bared his teeth at her. "I'll get you, and I'll make it look like a bloody accident."

Pinkie Pie zipped (literally) her lips tight and winked at him.

"As I was saying, MarineMarksman has over eighty chapters planned for the rest of this story. However, some of these might not be used. Some of these might be altered." the raptor continued.

"Why's that?" Pinkie asked.

"Because of how you vote." Fluffles answered. "When you people vote for a certain option, it will effect other options. For example, since you chose torturing Celestia with Luna, you can no longer advance your relationship with Fluttershy beyond friends with benefits because she is now in a relationship with me. The plot for Fluttershy has now been updated, the original options having been replaced with friend ones. You can no longer do a Fluttershy ending either."

"Sucks bro." the pink pony said.

"Not for me. But it does indeed suck for the readers. If you continue to advance the plot of a female character's storyline, Spiderman may eventually develop a romantic relationship with her. Your relationship with her could end other paths too, though Spiderman will likely have a minor harem of women by the time MarineMarksman gets to the finale."

"But Fluffles, what about the male character options?" Pinkie Pie asked.

"The storylines of male and other characters that you won't be shipped with, such as the cutie mark crusaders (coming soon), may help advance the plots of other characters. For instance, hanging out with Spike will not only advance your broship with him, but will also get Rainbow Dash and possible other characters to like you more for being a "good" role model."

"Spiderman, a good role model? That's impossible!" Pinkie Pie cried.

"You're not just wrong, you're stupid." Fluffles said.

"Now just wait a minute-"

"And you're ugly, just like your mom."

"...did you just call my mother ugly?"

"Shut up!" the raptor hissed. "I mean it, I will end you!"

"But-"

As the raptor pounced upon the pink pony, Spiderman flipped the channel for Fox, where a new episode of House was playing.

"Lawl. It's never lupus." he said.

Author's Notes:

VOTE EVERYONE VOTE!

See the last chapter (The Poop That Took a Pee, narrated by a faggot in spandex) for the options.

Of Libraries and Dildos

After a morning with nothing interesting to report, our hero found himself with Fluttershy and Fluffles watching TV on in the living room. There was a Burn Notice marathon on-

-Unf-

-And he intended on watching it.

Then, suddenly, Burn Notice turned off, and the face of some filthy noble came up on the screen. "Hello there, I'm the president of TV, and I'm here with an important message for you, the viewers."

"WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT?!" Spiderman demanded.

"Child obesity rates have skyrocketed in the past. Here's a picture of one of these many obese foals."

As he said this, his face momentarily replaced by a picture of an extremely fat kid.

"I mean, look at him," the president of TV said as his face reappeared, "he's such a disgusting fat fuck. Tell me you would look at him and say, damn, that kid needs to lose some fucking weight."

"So, in the interest of forcing your fat asses to go outside and get some fucking exercise, I'm cutting all networks until obesity rates rise. Internet in Equestria has also been cut off."

Then the president was replaced by a smiley face, with the message 'go outside and get some exercise you fat fucks' displayed over the smile face.

"HOLY SHIT!" Fluttershy exclaimed.

"WHAT THE FUCK?!" our hero demanded.

Fluttershy picked up the remote and started flipping through channels.

"It's all the same! What the hell- oh wait, I found some- oh, that's that stupid Oprah channel. Guess we're fucked." Fluttershy said.

"What now? Lawl." our hero asked.

"You could go read a book." his raptor companion suggested.

"I can't read lawl."

"...you just read the Poop That Took a Pee to some schoolchildren yesterday, you dipshit." Fluttershy said, glancing at our hero strangely.

Our hero held out his hands to the yellow pegasus. "What do you see in this hand?"

"Nothing." she responded.

"Huh, that's funny. I thought I had a fuck there. Oh wait! That's right! I don't give a fuck! Lawl." our hero said.

Books weren't fun. They were boring as fuck. Except for porno mags. Those were the shit. However, all this talk of reading gave our hero a great idea for what he could do till the TV returned either later in the chapter or next chapter.

The town's librarian, Rainbow Dash, was ignorant of the fact that the president of television decided to temporarily shut down every single television network. She rarely watched television. She preferred the feel of a book in her hooves and using her imagination. Besides, even if she did watch TV, she was only just getting up from another long night of reading.

With a cute yawn, she rolled out of her bed and ran into the nearby bathroom. After relieving herself, she made her way into the shower.

Flinching under the temporary torrent of freezing cold water, she smiled warmly as the water began to heat up. Her messy bed mane quickly fell to her shoulders as it gradually more and more drenched.

"I'm walking on sunshine~" she sang as she applied shampoo to her mane, "Wooooooah~"

"I'm walking on sunshine~" Twilight sang along with her as she joined the rainbow maned librarian in the shower, "Wooooooooooooooah~"

"Twilight? What are you doing?" Rainbow Dash inquired, shrinking slightly and covering herself unnecessarily.

"Saving some damn water. My military pension pays the bills." the Marine officer responded as she applied Old Spice body wash, a gift of Spidermans, to her body.

The librarian shrugged it off and awkwardly went back to showering.

"Psst... hey..." a voice whispered from above the two.

"Don't drop the soap..."

"AHH!" the two shouted in surprise and turned around to see Spiderman hanging from the ceiling.

"Hay. Lawl." he greeted.

"SPIDERMAN?! WHAT THE FUCK?!" Twilight bellowed at the Spiderman.

"Trololololol~" he sang as he swung out of the room.

"Ugh..." Rainbow Dash groaned.

"Meh. Celestia did that all the time." Twilight stated as rinsed off and got out of the shower.

After drying off and tying her mane up into a neat bun, Rainbow Dash cautiously exited the bathroom and walked towards her nightstand to grab her-

!

"Twilight?!" she called out.

"Yeah?!" she responded from downstairs.

"Have you seen my glasses?!" she inquired.

"They should be where you left them! I'm heading out! Peace!" she shouted. She heard the front door slam close seconds later.

"...laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawl..." she heard some lawl from underneath her bed.

"Spiderman...?" she asked cautiously as she peaked under the bed.

There was nothing there.

"HEY, RAINBOW DASH!" someone shouted from above.

"Huh?!" she exclaimed in surprise as she glanced up, spotting our hero hanging from the ceiling with a familiar looking run down cardboard box.

"I FOUND YOUR BOX OF COCKS!" he said as he opened it, causing a couple dozen dildos in a variety of sizes and colors to rain down on the rainbow maned pegasus.

The rainbow maned pegasus continued to stare up at our hero, before slowly turning her gaze to the sea of dildos surrounding her.

"Lawl I got you." Spiderman said.

There was no response from the light cerulean pegasus.

"Lawl. Jew mad, Rainbow Dash?" he asked.

The librarian sniffled. A single tear ran down her cheek and fell to the floor.

Suddenly, the rainbow maned pegasus bolted out of the room, crying hysterically.

"Lawl she mad." Spiderman said.

As our hero fell to the floor and casually kicked a few of the dildos around, our hero felt something unfamiliar in his heart. Something he had never felt before. It made him feel sick to his stomach.

"Aw shit... trolls remorse." our hero said.

Our hero stealthily made his way down the stairs and climbed on top of a bookcase unseen. Nearby sat Spike, whom was playing Modern Warfare 3 like a filthy casual.

"Psst... Spike..." our hero whispered.

"Huh?" he asked, pausing his game and glancing up, "Oh, hey Spiderman."

"Where's Rainbow Dash?" he asked.

"Down in the basement. I think I heard her crying. Can't be too sure, she was pretty fast."

"Lawl k." Spiderman said as climbed down from the bookcase, "and Spike?"

"Hmm?" he asked, unpausing his game and continuing to play it.

"Get off that casual shit and either get some pussy or play some Halo or Battlefield. SMH." he said as he made his way down to the basement. He slowly descended into the dark and damp basement, which was filled with ancient and dust covered computers and scientific devices.

In the farthest corner of the room sat Rainbow Dash, curled up in a ball and facing the wall, crying lightly.

Spiderman prayed to Black Jesus that she didn't turn into a witch.

Climbing up the wall, our hero positioned himself over the crying librarian and slowly but stealthily started to descend towards his oblivious prey.

However, instead of sucker punching her for being a pussy like he was originally planning to as he descended the basement stairs, he placed his palm behind her head and gently started to scratch behind her ears.

She immediately tensed up.

"Relax. I'm not going to rape you. Lawl." he said as he continued to scratch behind ears.

"Fuck off Spider-"

"FUCK YOU, I'M BATMAN!" he shouted.

"What-"

Spiderman used his spare hand to start rubbing at the pegasus's tummy.

"Stop! That tickles!" she protested, squirming under his touch.

"I don't give a fuck lawl."

After a few moments, our hero tired himself out and fell to the floor like a retard, then picked himself up and sat against the wall beside the cerulean pegasus.

"I like where this is going." our hero commented.

Rainbow Dash rolled his eyes at him. "Why are you down here?"

"I dunno lawl. Trolls remorse, I guess."

"You sure? You're sort of an asshole."

The two sat in silence for several minutes, though each passing second felt like an eternity. The only thing that could be heard was their breathing.

"I'm not getting an apology, am I?"

"Lawl no." our hero responded.

"I guess I can live with this." Rainbow Dash said with a shrug.

After a few moments, Spiderman rose from his seated position. "If you ever tell anyone about this..."

"I'll fucking kill you."

Rainbow Dash could tell he was serious, so she nodded in assent.

That night, the president of television lay in his bed, satisfied with what he had done today. Even if all that happened was outrage and several riots that resulted in dozens of deaths, Equestria would learn that what he did today was for the good of-

"Hello there, ole' chap." he heard someone say. Seconds later, he felt the barrel of a gun get pressed up against his head.

"Don't scream, or talk. Or I will kill you." he said.

"You will turn the TV networks back on, or I'll come back. And rip your dick off and feed it to your dog."

The gun's barrel was removed from the president's head and he heard the window open. He glanced up to see a dragon dressed like Batmane leering back at him.

"I kill all your guards, by the way. It's a pity you'll need to replace them. Good day." the dragon said as he jumped out of the window and landed on the roof of a nearby house.

CHOOSE YOUR PATH, PONY FUCKER!

()Go out clubbing with the talking velociraptor gentleman and Lyra

()Go chill with Discord and his bitch

()Go to the new bar in town with Twilight and get drunk

()Bake with Pinkie Pie. Acquire money and pot brownies

()Smoke weed with Luna then play some Haylo with her

()Smoke weed with Applejack and help her take down some rival dealers

()Play video games with Spike

()Teach Fluffles the meaning of friendship

()Teach Fluttershy how to french kiss THEN GET FRIENDZONED BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T DO THIS FIRST

()Volunteer at a cripple pony school with Fluttershy and attempt to score

()Take the CMC and Luna skydiving. What could possibly go wrong? (CMC STORYLINE UNLOCKED)

()Teach Sex Ed at the Ponyville Schoolhouse with the help of your gentlemanly talking velociraptor companion (SCHOOLHOUSE TIER 2 UNLOCKED)

BILLY MAYS MINUTE #1 (Relationship updates)

"HI BILLY MAYS HERE WITH THE BILLY MAYS MINUTE. I HAVE BEEN PLACED IN CHARGE OF UPDATING THE READERS ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP STATUS'S WITH CURRENT CHARACTERS. LET'S GET STARTED." Billy Mays stated.

"YOUR RELATIONSHIP STATUS WITH FLUTTERSHY HAS BEEN MAXED OUT, AND YOU HAVE BEEN FRIENDZONED BY HER. TURNS OUT SHE LIKES LIZARD DICK. THAT SUCKS, BRO."

"YOUR RELATIONSHIP STATUS WITH LUNA HAS IMPROVED. SHE CONSIDERS YOU ONE OF THE ONLY LIVING BEINGS SHE CAN CALL A FRIEND. KEEP IT UP, AND SHE MIGHT THAT SPIDEY DICK!"

"YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH CHEERILEE HAS IMPROVED. KEEP IT UP, AND YOU MIGHT JUST GET THAT BOOTY."

"YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH RAINBOW DASH HAS IMPROVED DRAMATICALLY EVER SINCE YOU GOT THAT CASE OF TROLLS REMORSE. I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT I'D PERSONALLY WANT TO HAVE A HOT, GEEKY, AND PROBABLY KINKY AS FUCK LIBRARIAN CRAVING THE DICK."

"YOUR STANDING WITH FLUFFLES IS ONLY SLIGHTLY BETTER THAN NEUTRAL. HE'S A BRO, AND HE'S YOUR SERVANT. THAT'S AS FAR AS IT GOES."

"EVERYONE ELSE IS ABOUT NEUTRAL. WANT TO MAKE IT BETTER? VOTE. REMEMBER CERTAIN CHOICES MAY CAUSE NEGATIVE EFFECTS ON OTHER RELATIONSHIPS, AS WELL AS POSITIVE ONES. CHOOSE WISELY."

"ALSO, INTRODUCING THE 60'S ERA SPIDERMAN GOES TO EQUESTRIA SEASON 1 BOXSET. IT INCLUDES EVERY SINGLE SPIDERMAN EPISODE AND WILL MAKE YOUR LIFE COMPLETE. ACT NOW AND WE'LL THROW IN THE OLD SPICE GUYS INVADE EQUESTRIA ON TOP OF IT. ALL FOR ONLY 19.95! ACT NOW!"

The Rise of the Booty

Our hero, Fluttershy, and his talking gentlemanly velociraptor companion, Fluffles, sat a top the town hall. Unlike usual, they weren't just chilling up top, they had a mission.

"Target spotted." Fluttershy said.

"Get ready, ole' chap." Fluffles said to Spiderman.

"Lawl k." our hero responded. He leaned over the edge and watched the approaching pony. It was some rich asshole, likely from Canterlot. Spiderman hated rich assholes. They stole his first born child and killed his second wife.

-Wait, that's not right.

"I don't give a fuck lawl." our hero said as he dropped a condom filled with mayonnaise over the edge of the roof. It dropped quickly and struck the noble right in the face, coating his face and his expensive clothing in a thick layer of mayo.

"WHAT THE FUCK?!" he shouted. "Come down here, you ruffians! I'm going to kick your sorry flanks!"

"Lawl k." our hero said as he jumped down from the roof and kicked the noble square in the balls with enough impact to send him flying into a nearby wall.

"Ugh..." the noble groaned in pain.

Spiderman raced forward without missing a beat and started pummeling the living shit out of him, as Fight the Power by Public Enemy started playing in the background.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mcbFJAcuomI

As the song finished, our hero kneeled beside the beaten, rich asshole, and whispered into his ear. "You're my bitch now, lawl."

As Spiderman walked away from the fallen noble, he spotted a familiar pink maned teacher coming his way.

And then he saw the booty.

UNF!

"Hello Spiderman!" Cheerilee greeted our hero.

"Hay. Lawl." he responded.

"Hey, could I ask you a personal favor...?" she asked.

"I am the bone of your sword." Spiderman responded.

"You're- um, what?"

"Nothing, lawl."

"Anyways... I'm supposed to be teaching the kids Sex Ed-"

"Giggity." our hero threw in.

Cheerilee ignored this. "The kids really didn't listen to me... just sat there and giggled. Would you mind coming in to teach them?"

The teacher gave him the biggest, cutest puppy eyes. This would affect anyone, save for Spiderman. All he cared for was da booty.

UNF!

“Lawl k.”

“Are you sure? It’ll be over a few days and I don’t want to be a bother…”

“I don’t give a fuck lawl.” Our hero said.

“Oh thank you so much, Spiderman!” the teacher cried as she lurched forward and latched onto him in a grateful hug. After a few seconds, she realized what she was doing and let him go, apologizing profusely. Our hero waved it off. He was able to cop a feel of that booty when she hugged him.

UNNNNF!

“I shall come as well.” Fluffles said as he and Fluttershy walked up. “I have a teaching degree from Bitchin’ Reptiles University.”

After a few moments of blank stares from the mares and Spiderman looking everywhere but him like a fucking moron, Fluffles spoke up again. “It’s the most prestigious university in the universe I am from.”

“Bitchin’.” Fluttershy commented.

“Quite.”

“Well, anyways, I’ll see you tomorrow, Mr. Spiderman.” She said with a smile as she walked off.

“Damn, dat booty.” Spiderman commented as he watched her go.

“That ass is indeed cash.” His velociraptor companion commented.

The next day, Spiderman and Fluffles rose early in the morning and watched hardcore pornography in preparation for today’s lesson. Around noon, they left the cottage and started to make their way into town.

“Is it gay to watch porn with your bro?” Fluffles asked as they approached the schoolhouse.

“As long as the balls don’t touch lawl.” Our hero responded.

Waiting by the school’s border fence was Rainbow Dash, a wagon filled with books covered up by a tarp beside her. Upon spotting Spiderman approaching, she let out a sigh of relief and smiled at them, waving at them happily.

“I thought you were pulling a prank on me when you told me to come here with these type of books, Spiderman. I’m glad my gut is a lying asshole.” She said.

“Lawl k.” our hero said as he grabbed the wagon and pulled it behind him as he continued towards the schoolhouse, his faithful gentlemanly raptor companion trailing behind, “bye!”

“Bye Spiderman! Stop by anytime if you want to… read… or something…” she said, before grumbling cutely to herself, “…way to fuck that up, RD.”

“Alright class, today, we’re going to try learning Sex Ed again.” Cheerilee announced.

The laughing, giggling, and snorting of children filled the room, not allowing the pink haired teacher to speak for several minutes, much to her dismay.

“However, this time, I won’t be teaching. May I introduce our guest teachers, Mr. Spiderman and Sir Fluffles!”

Our hero and his companion entered the room and both struck a pose. The students erupted in to applause, cheers, and whistles, save for one diamond tiara wearing bitch, whom a yellow filly sporting a pink bow like a baws punched her in fucking mouth for being a cunt.

“WHO’S READY TO LEARN ABOUT HOW CHILDREN ARE MADE?!” Spiderman asked excitedly.

“Me!”

“OOO! OOO! ME! ME!”

“MY BODY IS READY, SPIDERMAN!”

“Damn! Diamond Tiara got knocked the fuck out!”

“I think they’re ready, Spiderman.”

“Lawl k.” our hero said as made his way over to the pile of Sex Ed tapes sitting on Cheerilee’s desk, “you see these?”

The class nodded.

“They’re no good. They suck ass. Lawl.” Our hero said as he passed the tapes out, then passed out hammers to each of the students.

“SMASH THE FUCK OUT OF THEM!” he prompted.

The children quickly smashed the Sex Ed tapes to itty bitty pieces. Cheerilee’s jaw dropped.

“NOW THROW EVERYTHING AT THAT CUNT WITH THE DIAMOND TIARA AND GET READY TO FUCKING LEARN!”

Before the rich bitch could protest, she found herself showered with the pieces of VCR tapes and hammers. One struck her in temple and knocked her out.

“I’M GOING TO TELL YOU EVERYTHING THOSE TAPES WOULD TELL YOU IN A LOT LESS TIME, THEN WE GET TO THE FUN SHIT. K?!” Spiderman asked.

The class, save for a knocked out diamond tiara that a white unicorn was drawing a penis on, nodded in assent.

“Lawl k. Take notes. So when a daddy and mommy love each other very much, they fuck each other’s brains out. Then, the sperm of the male, which is this white shit that tastes like salt and smells like bleach that comes out of the penis, goes into the females body and fertilizes an egg. Then nine months later, you get a crying, shitting scumbag who won’t let you get any sleep, eventually grow up into carefree kids like yourselves, then will end up resenting their parents for no fucking reason. Any questions?”

The class shook their heads no. That’s good. That means he wasn’t dealing with a bunch of dipshits.

“Lawl k. Fluffles, pass out the books to the class.”

The raptor nodded, passing out the books out the class, being sure to drop one book on the diamond tiara wearing cunt.

“Mr. Spiderman? What kinda book is this?” the filly whom was either speaking with a pirate or Southern accent asked.

“Lawl I dunno.” He responded.

Fluffles slapped him upside the head.

“Ow! Ow! Stop oppressing me!” Spiderman cried like a feminist.

The two bros chuckled for a few seconds at their antics, before turning their attention back to the kiss.

“This… is the Karma Sutra. It’s time for you little fuckers to learn how to learn how to make babies.”

It took a few hours, but the class managed to finish the entire book. After Fluffles explained the last page to the class, the bell rang, signaling the end of classes for the day.

“Good job, class Now you know the birds and the bees.” Fluffles said.

“GTFO!” Spiderman said, pointing the door.

The class quickly filed out of the room, save for diamond tiara sporting bitch that was still knocked out. Fluffles quickly moved in, marker in claw, to draw more penises’s on her.

While he did this, Cheerilee rose from her desk and approached our hero. “While your methods aren’t exactly orthodox, I must praise their effectiveness. Those videos take days to go over, and most of the times, it just goes right over the kid’s heads because of how boring and scientific those videos are. This time, I think the kids actually got it.”

“Lawl k.” he said as he started to turn towards the door. Ms. Cheerilee quickly blocked his path.

“I’m not finished!” she said.

“K.”

The teacher bit her bottom lip and blushed hotly. She suddenly seemed quite unsure of herself. “While this isn’t really exactly professional… and kind of goes against everything I believe in… Spiderman, would you like to join me for dinner this evening?”

DAMN.

THE TEACHER WITH DA BOOTY FIT FOR A QUEEN JUST ASKED YOU OUT.

UNF! UNF! UNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNF!

WUT DO?!

()Fuck yeah! Take that hot piece of booty out on the town!

Or... go home and...

()Go out clubbing with the talking velociraptor gentleman and Lyra

()Go chill with Discord and his bitch

()Go to the new bar in town with Twilight and get drunk

()Bake with Pinkie Pie. Acquire money and pot brownies

()Smoke weed with Luna then play some Haylo with her

()Smoke weed with Applejack and help her take down some rival dealers

()Play video games with Spike

()Teach Fluffles the meaning of friendship

()Teach Fluttershy how to french kiss THEN GET FRIENDZONED BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T DO THIS FIRST

()Volunteer at a cripple pony school with Fluttershy and attempt to score

()Take the CMC and Luna skydiving. What could possibly go wrong?

()Do your bro Spike a solid and help RD for the day while he has a threesome with cheerleaders (RD TIER TWO UNLOCKED)

Da Bootyman

Dat booty. Dat delicious booty.

UNF!

UNF!

UNNNNNNNNNNNF!

Spiderman couldn't say no to da booty. No man could. A booty like had more influence than alcohol over a man.

“Lawl k.” our hero responded.

“…is that a yes?” Cheerilee asked meekly.

Spiderman nodded like a fucking retard in response.

The pink haired mare let out a sigh of relief. “Thank goodness.”

“I’m going to go home, Spiderman. I’ll leave you two to it. Have a good evening, ole’ chap.” Fluffles said as he finished his masterpiece, leaving the diamond tiara wearing bitch covered head to hoof in dicks.

As the two watched the raptor stalk out of the room, Cheerilee glanced at the knocked out student. “Diamond Tiara has treated everypony like absolute crap for the past couple years. I’ve done what I could, but it’s never enough. But ever since you showed up, everypony has started standing up to her. I’d probably be fired for saying this… but thank you for treating her like she deserves to be treated.”

“She’s a cunt lawl.” our hero said.

After a moments hesitation, Cheerilee nodded. “I’m going to finish up some grades and paperwork real quick. Do you mind hanging around?”

“Lawl no.” Spiderman responded as he shot a web at the ceiling and hung upside down. Cheerilee giggled cutely at his antics, before going back to her desk.

For the next couple hours, Cheerilee worked through her paperwork as quickly as she possibly could. While he waited, our hero crawled around on the walls and ceilings, as well a coating Diamond Tiara in thick coat of web. She’d be in for quite a surprise when she woke up. Eventually, the bitch woke up and simply walked out like nothing happened, the heavy webbing not restricting her movements.

Still worth it, though.

Cheerilee smiled as she signed her name on the last piece of paperwork. She quickly put away the papers in her desk and looked up.

Only to come face to face with Spiderman, whom was hanging down from the ceiling.

“Lawl hi sempai.” our hero greeted.

The mare giggled nervously. “Hello there, Spiderman.”

“Desu?” he asked.

“AIDs.” she confirmed.

Satisfied, Spiderman cut off his web, did a triple backflip, and landed on his feet.

“I’m ready to go, Mr. Spiderman.” the teacher said.

“Bitchin’.” Spiderman commented.

As the two exited the school, Cheerilee glanced up at our hero. “You know, ordinarily I’d hook a hoof through yours… but you’re a bit tall.” She commented with a playful giggle.

“It’s all good. Lawl.” our hero said, shrugging it off.

Cheerilee shook her head as they continued. “No… no… it’s just kind of a tradition.”

After a few seconds, her face lit up with realization. A short moment later, our hero noticed the teacher walk a few paces ahead of him, then felt something soft and fluffy making it’s way through his arm.

He looked down, noticing that Cheerilee’s tail had hooked it’s way through his arm. He also didn’t give a fuck that he was pretty sure that’s not how a horse’s tail worked.

His eyes continued it’s journey downwards, catching a raw, up close peak at that god-like booty.

“H-hey! Eyes up, mister! Not on the first date~” she said with a tone both cheerful and playful, her cheeks turning a dark crimson.

“Lawl k.” our hero said.

The two trekked on, the sun setting behind them. By the time they reached the town, the sun had fallen and the moon had risen, basking the town in it’s glow.

“Beautiful night.” The pink haired mare commented, a smile spreading across her muzzle as she watched the night sky above. Spiderman glanced up and scanned the night sky. Unlike the night sky above Badly Drawn New York City, the night sky here wasn’t disturbed by the large cities light pollution. There were millions of stars, sitting there and twinkling, dwarfed by the planet’s single moon.

Our hero merely nodded in agreement. One who doesn’t give a fuck like him doesn’t simply gaze upon something and call it beautiful.

Minutes later, Cheerilee stopped outside an unusually fancy restaurant in downtown Ponyville. Pulling him by the arm with her tail, she lead him up to the building, Spiderman stepped forward and pulled open the door the mare.

He opened that bitch a door.

Bitches loved doors being opened for them.

The pink haired mare smiled gratefully. “Thank you very much, Spiderman.”

Fuck yeah!

“Lawl no problem.” he said as they made their way inside.

The host examined the mismatched couple and snorted like a conceited prick. Spiderman made a note to jump him later.

“Hi, welcome to Fancy Pant’s Italian. How many will we be serving this evening?” he asked, doing his best to put on a smile.

He fucked up. Horribly. Spiderman was gonna choke a bitch.

“Two. Please.” Cheerilee responded.

The host quickly escorted the two to a table way in the back of the restaurant. He quickly placed a couple of menus on the table then left them, grumbling angrily to himself.

“Rood.” Spiderman commented.

Cheerilee rolled her eyes. “Don’t worry about it, Spidey. One bad host isn't going to ruin the evening.”

The two sat there in silence, looking at the menus.

“What are you going to get, Spiderman?” she asked, putting her menu down and gazing over at our hero.

“Lawl I dunno.” He responded.

After a few moments, she asked again. “How about now?”

“It’s a surprise lawl.” Our hero responded.

Cheerlee shrugged. “Whatever you say, Spidey.”

Half an hour later, their food arrived. No words were exchanged as they went to work on their meals. Cheerilee ate her food in an elegant and slow fashion, like the lady she was. Spiderman, on the otherhand, wolfed it down like his food was going to rise and make a break for it.

Eventually, however, both of them finished.

“So Spiderman… besides reading to children, teaching Sex Ed, and fighting terrorists, what else do you do?” Cheerilee asked.

"I do whatever the hell a Spiderman does. That's how I roll. Lawl." our hero responded.

"So what does a Spiderman do, then?"

"Lawl, I dunno." Spiderman shrugged. "Chill with my homies. Watch House M.D. Smoke some dank kush with Empress Luna-"

"Wait, you know the empress? And you smoke weed with her?" Cheerilee's jaw almost dropped to the floor.

"Know her? Yeah, I guess you could say that. Lawl." he said, his mind flashing to that one time he was invited to eat dinner at the palace, ate vindaloo curry and shit it all over the place, then fucked the then princess.

"SPIDERMAN?! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!" Luna demanded, looking back at the human positioning himself behind her.

"I'm sticking it in the pooper." he answered plainly.

"WHAT?!"

"I'M STICKING IT IN THE POOPER!" he shouted as he slammed his erect cock in dat full moonhole.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Spiderman...?" Cheerilee asked.

"Lawl sorry." our hero said, realizing he was spacing out.

Before they could continue their conversation, their waiter appeared by their side. "Will you be paying in bits or credit?"

"Do you accept fucks?" our hero asked.

"No, we do not, sir." the waiter responded, his eye twitching slightly.

"Good, because I don't got any. Fuck you. Here's your money, tip included," Spiderman said, reaching into his non-existant pockets and placing a handful of bits on the table.

Both Cheerilee's and the waiters draws dropped. "Thank you very much, sir!" he said gratefully, grabbing the bits and placing them in a pouch in his vest.

"Eat a dick. Lawl." our hero said. The waiter nodded and moved on.

"Spiderman, where'd you get all that money?" Cheerilee asked.

"It's not easy being cheesy... lawl...." Spiderman responded.

After that, our hero and his date exited the restaurant. They were a little slow getting out, as Spiderman jumped the host in the restroom, shanked him, then left his bleeding body behind.

As they started to walk away from the building, Cheerilee once more latched onto our hero with her tail.

"Mind walking home with me?" she asked.

"I don't give a fuck." he responded.

"I'm sorry, what?" she asked.

"Sure lawl." he responded.

Cheerilee shrugged off his initial response, a sign of a good catch. Also, did I mention da booty on this one?

UNF! UNF!

UNNNNNNNNNNNNNNF!

"Here we are!" Cheerilee announced.

"Huh? Sorry lawl. Faded thoughts idk." our hero responded, hitting the side of head.

"Well, it's been fun, Spiderman. We should do it again!" she said, grinning as she released her tail from our hero's arm.

"Lawl no."

"W-what?"

"Jk lawl. I troll hard." Spiderman said.

"Meanie." the teacher said, pouting playfully.

"Don't give me trolls remorse. K? K. Lawl." our hero said.

Suddenly, the mare lurched forward, planting her front hooves on our hero's chest as she stood on her back legs. She lifted Spiderman's mask with her teeth, revealing the rugged manliness underneath, and placing a small, but deep kiss on our hero's lip.

Spiderman took this chance to cop a feel of da booty. She didn't protest.

After a few moments, she retreated and fell back down to the floor, her cheeks burning a hot crimson. "I-I'll see you around, Spidey~" she sang playfully.

She entered her house, and turned around to face our hero. "Thank you, again. For both your help and this evening. HAve a good evening, Spiderman."

As she closed the door behind her, our hero pushed his hands into his pants and retreated into the bushes.

"Sneaky wank lawl."

CHOOSE YOUR PATH, HIGHLANDER!

()Go out clubbing with the talking velociraptor gentleman and Lyra

()Go chill with Discord and his bitch

()Go to the new bar in town with Twilight and get drunk

()Bake with Pinkie Pie. Acquire money and pot brownies

()Smoke weed with Luna then play some Haylo with her

()Smoke weed with Applejack and help her take down some rival dealers

()Play video games with Spike

()Teach Fluffles the meaning of friendship

()Teach Fluttershy how to french kiss THEN GET FRIENDZONED BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T DO THIS FIRST

()Volunteer at a cripple pony school with Fluttershy and attempt to score

()Take the CMC and Luna skydiving. What could possibly go wrong?

()Do your bro Spike a solid and help RD for the day while he has a threesome with cheerleaders (RD TIER TWO UNLOCKED)

I can't read lawl

There was someone slamming on the door, waking our hero from his pleasant slumber and booty filled dreams.

"FUCK YOU!" our hero shouted at the door.

"Bro, open the door before I burn your fucking house down." Spike said from the other side.

Spiderman groaned. Today was going to be a long one.

He rose from the couch and made his way to the front door. Upon opening it, he spotted Spike standing their dressed up like a fucking pimp.

It kind of suited him, our hero had to admit.

"WHAT'S REALLY GOOD, NIGGA?!" our hero inquired.

"Not much. Not much." the purple dragon said.

"What the fuck do you want?" he asked.

"Bro, you fucked my crush almost a year ago. I almost had that tight alabaster pussy."

"Don't hate the player, hate the game. Lawl." our hero said.

"Deez nuts, Spidey. I got a threesome with cheerleaders to attend, and you're going to help Rainbow Dash out today so I can attend it. Or else."

"Or else...?"

"Or else we can get into some real gangsta shit." Spike answered.

"Lawl k."

Rainbow Dash arose from her slumber with a small yawn, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes as she rolled out of bed. She grabbed her glasses and made her way into the shower, this time making sure to lock the door behind her, as she entered the shower. Five minutes later, she was out, to avoid Twilight chewing her out for wasting water. She quickly dried off, tied her mane up into a bun, put on her glasses, and left the bathroom.

"Watch me swooce right in!" the rainbow maned librarian heard someone call out from inside.

"SWOOCE!" Spiderman screeched as he jumped through the open bedroom window.

"SPIDERMAN?!" Rainbow Dash exclaimed in shock.

"IT'S SPIDEY TIME!" he said, hopping erratically towards the librarian.

"NO SPIDERMAN, NO!" the librarian cried, curling up into a ball to defend herself from whatever attack he was about to unleash.

Instead, she felt him place his palm a top her head.

"That'll do pig, that'll do. Lawl." he said.

"What are you doing here, Spiderman?" she asked, rising off the ground and dusting herself off.

"Lawl I dunno."

"Oh."

"Yeah. Lawl."

"..."

"=D"

"What was that?" she asked.

"I dunno lawl."

The mare looked at the superhero like he was some kind of idiot, because, you know, he kind of is, and decided to say fuck it and head downstairs.

"LOOK I'M HELPFUL!" Spiderman declared.

"SPIDERMAN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" Rainbow Dash demanded.

"I DUNNO LAWL!" he responded as he pushed over the bookcase in front of him. It toppled over and crashed into another bookcase. A donino effect started, and soon, every bookcase in the room had fallen over, much to the dismay of Rainbow Dash.

"Let's get some fucking pancakes! Lawl." our hero stated.

"Being me is suffering..." Rainbow Dash commented.

Minutes later, the two found themselves inside of the Sugar Cube Corner, both with a towering stack of pancakes in front of them. Shortly after our hero decided to play dominoes with the libraries bookcases, Twilight kicked them out and promised to kick some serious ass if they showed up before Spike came back and cleaned up the mess.

Sucks to be him.

As our hero went to work on his pancakes, Rainbow Dash rose from her seat. "H-hey Spiderman...? I think I'm gonna go." she said.

Our hero paused for a couple seconds. "Lawl k." he responded, before going back to eating his pancakes.

Rainbow Dash smiled slightly before leaving the building. She walked down the street for a block then hung a right, deciding to go through a dark alley that you know shit will go down in for the sake of cutting time.

About halfway through the alley, she heard a noise behind. The librarian turned around, and spotted a faggot sporting an obey snapback standing there. In the shadows were about eight or nine other faggots.

Rainbow Dash did the only sensible thing anyone could do in that situation.

She laughed at them.

"HAHAHA! OH GOD! YOU GUYS LOOK LIKE A BUNCH OF FAGGOTS. DO PONYKIND A FAVOR AND KILL YOURSELVES!"

"You can crush me but you can't crush my swag!" a zebra wearing a Bulls snapback said, charging at the librarian.

*BANG*

The swagfag fell to the ground, dead, a bullet wound in his side. His flood started to pool out onto the ground surrounding him.

"YOU CAN'T FLIM FLAM THE ZIM ZAM!" some cried.

From out of the shadows stepped out Spiderman, carrying a 9mm and wearing a George Zimmerman mask.

"A'yo what the-"

*BANG*

"HA! HA! HA!" Spiderman laughed, firing off a shot with each ha. Eventually, all of the swagfags lay on the ground, dead, surrounded by a pool of their own blood.

"Lawl." our hero commented.

"Spiderman?" she asked.

"Yeah?"

"Thanks."

"I don't give a fuck lawl."

After a few moments, the two made their way out of the alleyway, only to run straight into Rarity and Applejack's big brother, Big Macintosh if our hero remembered correctly. Not like he gave a fuck, of course.

"Oh hai der." our hero greeted.

"Spiderman? Oh it is has simply been too long! How have you been, darling? Everything going okay?" she asked.

"Pimpin' ain't easy." Spiderman answered coolly.

"Ah! And you're with Rainbow Dash. How's the library, sweetie?"

"A bit of a warzone at the moment." she responded, motioning to our hero. Rarity nodded, confirming she got the message.

"Well, it's been nice seeing you two. I'd love to stay and chat, but we got a date. Isn't that right, Big Mac?" she inquired.

"Eeyup." he responded.

"Bye, you two~" the alabaster unicorn sang as she and the giant red stallion walked away.

Rainbow Dash watched them go, her face deforming into a frown. "Lucky her..." she commented.

Before our hero could say anything or do anything retarded, Rainbow Dash looked over her shoulder at him. "Hey Spidey...?"

"Lawl what?"

"Thanks, again, really." she said with a smile.

"Lawl no biggie. Because Biggie Smalls is dead. Lawl."

Rainbow Dash smiled, hovering up to our hero and placing a small peck on his nose.

"See you around, superhero~" she said with a bright blush, before flying off at speeds never witnessed before.

Damn.

"It's raining bitches. Lawl." our hero commented.

CHOOSE YOUR PATH, CHOSEN ONE!

()Go out clubbing with the talking velociraptor gentleman and Lyra

()Go chill with Discord and his bitch

()Go to the new bar in town with Twilight and get drunk

()Bake with Pinkie Pie. Acquire money and pot brownies

()Smoke weed with Luna then play some Haylo with her

()Smoke weed with Applejack and help her take down some rival dealers

()Play video games with Spike

()Teach Fluffles the meaning of friendship

()Teach Fluttershy how to french kiss THEN GET FRIENDZONED BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T DO THIS FIRST

()Volunteer at a cripple pony school with Fluttershy and attempt to score

()Take the CMC and Luna skydiving. What could possibly go wrong?

()Go to the school dance and teach them how to party, as well as spend time with the one with da booty (SCHOOLHOUSE TIER 3 UNLOCKED)

()Fight in a gladiator tournament with Ms. Cheerilee (CHEERILEE ROUTE UNLOCKED)

()Help Rarity design a kickass new Spidey suit and get sum fuk (FORGOTTEN RARITY ROUTE UNLOCKED; MY BAD)

The Booty Strikes Back

Spiderman slowly awoke as the sun’s morning rays flooded through the nearby window, covering his face with the sun’s warmth.

“Sun nigga, you gay.” our hero commented as he rose.up from his couch and wandered into the kitchen. He snatched a couple poptarts and a can of Hawaiian and sat up at the dining room table.

“OM NOM NOM.” Spiderman said as he went to work, nibbling the poptart down to nothing like a chipmunk, then drowned it down with some of his Hawaiian punch.

As he finished off his breakfast, Fluffles made his way into the kitchen and grabbed some leftover steak from the fridge, set it on a plate, and joined our hero at the dining room table.

“Sup?” our hero inquired.

“Not much, ole’ chap. Today seems like a good day.” the raptor responded, as began to cut his streak into bite size pieces.

“Lawl no today is gonna suck.” the faggot in spandex commented.

“Spiderman, please. I think I’m going for a run in the park and scare children for Fluttershy’s amusement.”

“Oh my, that would be amazing!” Fluttershy commented as she walked into the room. She slapped our hero some skin/hoof and gave his gentlemanly raptor companion a quick hug and a kiss.

“Ew. Ya’ll niggas gay. Lawl.” our hero commented as he watched their shows of affection.

Suddenly, Spiderman’s dick stuck up on end, pointing in the direction of the door.

“My booty senses are throbbing!” our hero declared. He rushed over to the door and opened it, revealing a startled Cheerilee who was about to knock.

“Oh!” she cried in surprise, “Hello, Spiderman.”

Our hero glanced over at that booty. UNF! He was going to get a piece of that grade A booty if it was the last thing he did. It was pure perfection.

“Hay. Lawl.” he responded.

“May I come in?” she asked.

“I don’t give a fuck lawl.” he said.

“Err…”

“That’s means yes!” both Fluttershy and Fluffles called from inside the cottage.

“Oh. I’ll never get used to your sense of humor of yours, Spiderman.” she said with a timid smile.

“It’s all good. Lawl.” our hero said, making room for the bootylicious teacher. She smiled gratefully to our hero and squeezed on through.

Our hero caught a peak of that booty. Dat booty stared back at him with the force of a thousand suns. UNF!

As she walked into the cottage, she looked around and spotted Fluttershy and Fluffles, who have since moved to the couch and were watching Power Rangers.

“Good morning, Fluffles and Fluttershy.” she greeted.

“Good morning, Ms. Cheerilee.” Fluffles responded.

“What’s up?” Fluttershy asked.

“Oh, not much. Just here to ask Spiderman a favor.” the teacher answered.

“You are the boner in my pants.” Spiderman said, genuflecting before the bootylicious teacher.

“I-I’m sorry?” she asked, confused.

“Nothing. Lawl. What’s up?” he asked, rising off the ground

“Well, the school’s Spring Fling dance is tonight, and all of the parent chaperones are attending some orgy at Studio 69.”

“An orgy? Kickass. Lawl.” our hero responded.

The teacher looked at him strangely.

“Anyways… I was wondering… would you mind coming along with me and helping out?” she inquired. “It would mean so much to me~”

“Hmm…” On one hand, there was an orgy he could crash, where all the pussy he could ever want awaited. But on the other hand… there was a chance to get closer to da booty…

Booty.

Orgy.

Booty.

Orgy.

Fuck it. It was obvious which is better.

“Sure lawl.” he responded.

“You will?” she asked, a smile rivaling Pinkie Pie’s spreading across her muzzle.

“Yeah, why not? Lawl.” our hero asked rhetorically.

The pink haired mare lurched forward and wrapped her hooves around his midsection and squeezing the fuck out of him. “OH THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU~”

Our hero hugged the mare back, getting a quick feel of her booty. If Cheerilee noticed, she did not mind.

“Oh, and one more thing.” she said she released our hero.

“What?”

“Can I watch some Power Rangers with you guys? That green ranger is a grade A badass.”

After a few moments, our hero opened his mouth to speak. “You’re some prime waifu material, I tell you hwat. Lawl.”

After several hours of watching Power Rangers, followed by some House. Eventually, Fluttershy and Fluffles went out to play Frisbee with their mouths, leaving Cheerilee and Spiderman on their own.

However, before our hero could put the moves onto her, both of their watches started to beep.

“Oh, would you look at the time.” the pink haired mare called out as she pulled a joint “Do you got a light?”

“Lawl yeah.” Spiderman said, looking at his watch. It’s way four twenty. Time to blaze it. Our hero lit the teacher’s blunt for her, then expertly rolled up a blunt of his own and lit it.

After ten minutes of blazing, the two left the cottage. They skipped together down the dirt road leading into town. As their highs wore off, they slowed down and walked side by side.

Our hero felt Cheerilee’s fluffy take work it’s way through his arm as they wandered into town, it’s softness and fluffyness instantly giving him a major hard on.

“Unf…”

“What was that?” Cheerilee asked.

“Nothing lawl.” he responded.

The two walked in silence through the town. The mismatched couple earned a few glances, but most ponies paid them no mind. They weren't exactly the strangest couple in town.

Speaking of which…

“Yo yo, Spidey!” Discord exclaimed as he and Chrysalis walked up to the two, “Slap me some skin, compadre!”

Our hero slapped the draconeques some skin and brofisted him.

“My my, if it isn’t Ms. Cheerilee. I haven’t seen you since your students set me free. Supposed I owe you for that. But, that’s for another day. What are you doing with my friend dress in spandex here?”

“Well.. I.. uh…” she stuttered, a light blush spreading across her cheeks, kicking at the dirt awkwardly with her hoof.

“HNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNG!” Discord exclaimed, holding his heart as fell to the ground and started rolling around, pretending to have a heart attack.

“Well, isn’t that precious?” Chrysalis commented in a particularly cold manner.

“Spiderman, you pimp,” the lord of chaos said as he rose off the ground and dusted himself off, “You’re dating the teach?”

“Yeah lawl.” our hero responded.

“Good on you,” Discord said, patting our hero on the back, “well, as much as I’d love to stay and chat, we must get going.”

“We got some… chaos… to do.” Chrysalis explained.

“Yup. We need to chill sometime, buddy. See yah, Spidey.” the lord of chaos said as he and his hoe continued on their way.

As they disappeared from sight, Cheerilee turned towards our hero. “You know Discord and Queen Chrysalis as well?”

“Lawl yeah.” our hero answered.

“Well, you certainly get around.” the teacher said with a giggle.

Eventually, the couple found themselves outside the Ponyville Schoolhouse. The school had been decorated the previous day by the students. Our hero had a hard on for slavery and the breaking of labor laws.

"The students will be here any minute now. I'm gonna head on in and make sure everything is ready. Why don't you stay here and greet the students?"

"Lawl k."

The teacher flashed our hero a grateful smile, before making her way inside.

Slowly, kids started to show up and make their way inside. Our hero would slap each and every kid that entered some skin. The kids were pretty chill. If it wasn't for the fact he'd be arrested for it, he'd probably hang out with them beyond helping out at school.

Suddenly, a limousine screeched up to the school. The door opened, and out hopped the rich bitch with the diamond tiara.

"Out of my way!" she shouted at a few ponies in her way as she approached the school entrance. As she reached the door, our hero quickly blocked her path.

"Out of my way, peasant!" she shouted at him.

"Name?" our hero inquired.

"I'm sorry?" she asked.

"You're not on the list. Lawl." Spiderman said.

"But-"

"GTFO!" he said, stepping forward and punting her, sending her flying into her limo. She slowly slid down against the limo then fell flat on her face. She coughed violently, blood leaking out of her mouth and dripping onto the ground below.

The nearby children erupted in a golf clap. Our hero bowed before them.

Eventually, Spiderman was told to come inside and help keep the ponies in check.

That's not his job.

His job is to keep parties alive.

"WATCH ME SWOOCE RIGHT IN!" everypony inside of the auditorium heard our hero shout, just prior to him swoocing in through one of the auditoriums windows.

"SWOOCE!" he declared as he rolled and sprung up to his feet.

The nearby children erupted into applause and cheers.

"Walk into the club like what up I got a big cock. Lawl." our hero said.

Suddenly, our hero's eared was blasted by some of the worst music of all time. Lil Wayne. Nicki Minaj. Rebecca Black. Justin Bieber. Usher. Taylor Swift. And more.

"AW HELL NAW!" our hero said. He made his way over the DJ and punched him the fuck out for his shitty taste in music, then dug into his non-existant pockets and produced his Andriod. He hooked it up to the music system and turned on the music.

"Oh. My. God. Becky, look at her butt, it is so big." some bitch, who ironically sounded a lot like a diamond tiara wearing bitch at the school, said over the speaker system, scoffing every other word, "It is so big. She looks like, one of those rap guys' girlfriends. But, you know, who understands those rap guys? They only talk to her, because, she looks like a total prostitute, 'kay? I mean, her butt, is just so big. I can't believe it's just so round, it's like, out there, I mean - gross. Look! She's just so ... black!"

Spiderman jumped down and raced towards the middle of the dance floor and started singing along to the song.

"I like big butts and I can not lie

You other brothers can't deny

That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist

And a round thing in your face

You get sprung, wanna pull out your tough

'Cause you notice that butt was stuffed

Deep in the jeans she's wearing

I'm hooked and I can't stop staring

Oh baby, I wanna get with you

And take your picture

My homeboys tried to warn me

But that butt you got makes me so horny."

Cheerilee smiled and started to dance around to the song. Our hero quickly made his way over to her and started dancing with her like a moron.

"Ooh, Rump-o'-smooth-skin

You say you wanna get in my Benz?

Well, use me, use me

'Cause you ain't that average groupie

I've seen them dancin'

To hell with romancin'

She's sweat, wet,

Got it goin' like a turbo 'Vette

I'm tired of magazines

Sayin' flat butts are the thing

Take the average black man and ask him that

She gotta pack much back."

"So, fellas!" he called out to the nearby colts.

"Yeah!" they responded.

"Fellas!"

"Yeah!"

"Has your girlfriend got the butt?"

"Hell yeah!"

"Tell 'em to shake it!"

"Shake it!"

"Shake it!"

"Shake it!"

"Shake that healthy butt!" Spiderman declared, turning his attention back to Cheerilee, "Baby got back!"

"LA face with Oakland booty!" a random colt dressed like a pirate called out.

"Baby got back!" Spiderman shouted out.

Our hero twirled behind the pink maned teacher and focused on her booty.

"I like 'em round, and big

And when I'm throwin' a gig

I just can't help myself, I'm actin' like an animal

Now here's my scandal

I wanna get you home

And ugh, double-up, ugh, ugh

I ain't talkin' bout Playboy

'Cause silicone parts are made for toys

I want 'em real thick and juicy

So find that juicy double

Mix-a-Lot's in trouble

Beggin' for a piece of that bubble

So I'm lookin' at rock videos

Knock-kneeded bimbos walkin' like hoes

You can have them bimbos

I'll keep my women like Flo Jo

A word to the thick soul sisters, I wanna get with ya

I won't cuss or hit ya

But I gotta be straight when I say I wanna *fuck*

Till the break of dawn

Baby got it goin' on

A lot of simps won't like this song

'Cause them punks like to hit it and quit it

And I'd rather stay and play

'Cause I'm long, and I'm strong

And I'm down to get the friction on."

Our hero turned his attention away from his waifu and looked towards the nearby fillies.

"So, ladies!" our hero called out.

"Yeah!" they responded.

"Ladies!"

"Yeah!"

"If you wanna roll in my Mercedes-"

"Yeah!"

"-Then turn around! Stick it out! Even white boys got to shout baby got back!"

Our hero turned back to Cheerilee, who flashed him a quick smile.

"Baby got back!

Yeah, baby ... when it comes to females, Cosmo ain't got nothin'

to do with my selection. 36-24-36? Ha ha, only if she's 5'3."

The two of them made their way to the center of the dance floor and started to shake it like Saigon.

"So your girlfriend rolls a Honda, playin' workout tapes by Fonda

But Fonda ain't got a motor in the back of her Honda

My anaconda don't want none

Unless you've got buns, hun

You can do side bends or sit-ups,

But please don't lose that butt

Some brothers wanna play that "hard" role

And tell you that the butt ain't gold

So they toss it and leave it

And I pull up quick to retrieve it

So Cosmo says you're fat

Well I ain't down with that!

'Cause your waist is small and your curves are kickin'

And I'm thinkin' bout stickin'

To the beanpole dames in the magazines:

You ain't it, Miss Thing!

Give me a sister, I can't resist her

Red beans and rice didn't miss her

Some knucklehead tried to dis

'Cause his girls are on my list

He had game but he chose to hit 'em

And I pull up quick to get wit 'em

So ladies, if the butt is round,

And you want a triple X throw down,

Dial 1-900-MIXALOT

And kick them nasty thoughts

Baby got back!"

Everyone gathered around the center and began singing together.

"Little in the middle but she got much back!

Little in the middle but she got much back!

Little in the middle but she got much back!

Little in the middle but she got much back!"

As the song ended and was replaced by As The World Turns by Eminem, Cheerilee leaned up against Spiderman, her mane and coat soaked with perspiration. She wiped some sweat off her forehead with her right forehoof and smiled up at our hero.

"I think I'm going to get some punch. Care to join me?" she asked.

"Lawl k."

The two slowly made their way through the surrounding army of dancing fillies and colts, Cheerilee leaning up against our hero for support. Spiderman had the feeling that if a feminist read this chapter, she'd cry oppression because of Cheerilee's need for support.

"Lawl feminazi scum." our hero said under his breath.

"What was that?" the pink maned teacher inquired.

"Nothing lawl."

The couple found themselves at the punch table several moments later, where the single fat fucks were hanging out, casually sipping at punch and watching couple dance with jealous eyes.

It was time to do them a favor.

"Cheerilee, look over there!" Spiderman exclaimed, pointing across the room.

"Huh?!" she exclaimed, looking where our hero had pointed. While she was distracted, Spiderman reached into his non-existant pockets and pulled out a bottle of vodka, then poured it into the punch and mixed it before anypony was any the wiser.

"Lawl. Sorry, I though I saw Cthulhu."

"Oh..."

The teacher shrugged and poured herself a glass of punch and drank it down like it was nothing.

"Huh..."

"What? Lawl."

"Somepony beat me to spiking the punch..."

An hour later, most of the colts and fillies had left. Only a few stragglers from Ms. Cheerilee's class remained, casually drinking the spiked punch and talking about how they were smelling colors.

Suddenly, In Your Eyes by Peter Gabriel started to play over the stereo system. The remaining children smiled to each other, paired up and started slow dancing. Even the remaining fatsos got some action.

Our hero heard someone clear their throat behind him.

"Spiderman...? May I have this dance?" Cheerilee asked, looking up at our hero

"Lawl k." our hero responded.

The teacher smiled, wrapping her tail around his right arm and leading him towards the center of the dance floor. As they reached the center, Cheerilee reared up and leaned against our hero, wrapping her hooves around his neck.

Cheerilee rested her head on Spiderman's shoulder as they rocked back and forth to the melody of the song.

"You know... I didn't exactly get a chance to go to prom." Cheerilee said.

"Hmm?"

"Nopony would've given a nerd like me the time of the day, let alone ask me out to prom."

But... dat booty...

"That sucks lawl." our hero responded.

The mare buried her face into our hero's neck. He felt his neck dampen. "Thank you, Spiderman."

"It's not biggie. Lawl."

Because Biggie is- (the writer was then killed by the ghost of Biggie Smalls before he could finish his joke).

As the song came to an end, Cheerilee looked into our hero's eyes, her eyes glistening with tears of happiness as she leaned forward and pulled up his mask with her teeth, before planting a gentle kiss on his lips.

"No... you have no idea how much this means to me." Cheerilee said as she broke the kiss.

Later that night, Spiderman stared at the ceiling as he lay on his bed, thinking about the past day. Da booty, the dance, the musical number, and that kiss.

UNF! UNF! UNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNF! It was too much to handle.

He reached into his spidey suit and started jerking off.

"Everyone's off getting laid... and I'm just lying here, masturbating. Lawl."

Beside him, Fluffles wished dearly for his own room.

CHOOSE YOUR PATH, WAIFU STEALER!

()Go out clubbing with the talking velociraptor gentleman and Lyra

()Go chill with Discord and his bitch

()Go to the new bar in town with Twilight and get drunk

()Bake with Pinkie Pie. Acquire money and pot brownies

()Smoke weed with Luna then play some Haylo with her

()Smoke weed with Applejack and help her take down some rival dealers

()Play video games with Spike

()Teach Fluffles the meaning of friendship

()Teach Fluttershy how to french kiss THEN GET FRIENDZONED BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T DO THIS FIRST

()Volunteer at a cripple pony school with Fluttershy and attempt to score

()Take the CMC and Luna skydiving. What could possibly go wrong?

()Fight in a gladiator tournament with Ms. Cheerilee

()Help Rarity design a kickass new Spidey suit and get sum fuk

()Take Rainbow Dash to the club and help her get over herself (RAINBOW DASH TIER THREE UNLOCKED)