Our hero sat on the couch that has been his bed for the past couple months, a can of Red Bull in one hand and a can of Coors in the other. Beside him was Fluttershy, lying on her back with her head resting on 60’s Era Spiderman’s lap.

“Hit me," Fluttershy ordered.

Spiderman nodded, pouring a mixture of beer and energy drink into the yellow pone's mouth. Once it was filled, she closed her mouth and swallowed like a good girl.

“That hit the spot.” she said, turning her attention back to the TV. WWE Monday Night Raw was on. Fluttershy started watching it with our hero shortly after he gave her the single fuck he’d ever give. She, like Spiderman, would sit back and let a mixture of Red Bull and Coors pour down her hroat as she watched sweaty men duke it out in a choreographed match.

While it sounded mad gay at first, the yellow pegasus had to admit that it was entertaining.

“I will stop you, Mistress Mystery!” Hulk Hogan shouted at a familiar alabaster unicorn, whom was dressed in what could pass as a BDSM outfit and a Guy Fawkes mask.

“Nay, Mr. Hogan! This is the end of the supremacy of humanity in WWE. Now, the ponies shall rule this!” Rarity, or Mistress Mystery, retorted.

“God dammit, you fucking ponies took Sergeant Slaughter’s job!” Hogan growled, causing the crowd to gasp.

“They took his job?" someone in the crowd asked.

"THEY TOOKER JOB!" another person shouted back

"DEY TOOKER JEERRRBBB!"

"DERKA DUURRRRRR!”

“I’m gonna kick your ass!” someone shouted out.

“A NEW CHALLENGER APPEARS!” the announcer called out as a cloaked figure swung down from the roof and landed in between the two. The cloaked figure removed his garb and reveaedl a certain propane salesman.

“It’s Hank Hill, assistant manager at Strickland Propane!” someone in the crowd shouted out.

“I can’t allow you ponies to keep taking American jobs! It’s causing taxes to rise, and that’s a propane in my ass!” he shouted, rearing back and kicking Rarity in the fucking face.

“Ow! Don’t you know it’s impolite to hit a lady?!” she screeched, rising from the ground.

“You’re a fucking horse, not a lady. I’m gonna kick your ass!” Hank Hill tore his shirt open and revealed his muscular chest, causing the crowd to erupt into cheers.

“But what’s this?” the announcer asked.“IT’S EL DRAGON PURPURA!”

Spike, wearing a luchador mask, climbed into the ring, armed with a folded chair. He sprinted up behind Hank and hit him in the back with it, knocking the assistant manager down to the ground. Before the baby dragon could strike once more, Hulk Hogan charged forward and punted him straight into Rarity, sending both flying.

“This is getting intense,” Fluttershy commented.

“Lawl, I know. It kicks ass,” Spiderman said.

An hour later, Hulk Hogan stood over a crushed and beaten Spike, flexing his muscles for the crowds. Hank and Rarity both lay defeated besides him, covered in dirt, blood, and bruises.

“Watch out, Hulk!” someone called out. Rarity rose off the ground and blasted him with her magic, sending him flying out of the ring. Rarity launched up into the air and crashed into him, pinning him. Hulk struggled, but wasn’t able to escape the pin before the ref finished his countdown.

Rarity won.

“Well, that was a good match,” Fluttershy said.

“Lawl 'k,” Spiderman said, not giving a fuck as he opened up another can of Coors and downed it in one go. Fluttershy quickly followed his example.

Spiderman isn’t the best role model.

“So, what now?” the yellow pegasus asked.

The pathetic excuse for a superhero scratched his chin as he thought. “Let’s experiment with black magic,” he finally said.

“Kick ass.”

*knock knock*

Twilight looked away from the M16 that she was cleaning and looked towards the door before stealing a quick glance at her watch

2230.

The Marine groaned, grumbling to herself angrily as she rose off the couch and stomped over to the front door. Upon opening it, she spotted a familiar yellow pegasus and a faggot in red and blue spandex.

“What do you want?” she asked.

“We’re going to experiment with black magic,” the Element of Not Giving a Fuck answered.

Twilight’s ears perked up at this. “Really?”

“Yeah, lawl,” our hero said.

A small smile spread across the Marine’s face. “Then come on in.”

The pair made their way inside as Twilight rushed over to a nearby bookcase, removing an old tome with her magic and tossing it carelessly on the floor.

“What shall we do first?” Twiilight asked, sitting in front of the book and opening it. Fluttershy and our hero sat beside her.

“Um...” Fluttershy began.

“Penis enlargement!” Spiderman shouted out, interrupting the pegasus.

“Let’s do it,” the purple unicorn said, flipping through the tome. "RAINBOW DASH! Get down here!”

“Yes...?” the rainbow-haired librarian asked cautiously as she descended the stairwell.

“Come down here and help us. We need to test something," Twilight replied.

The light-cerulean pegasus shrugged and descended the stairs, walking up to the trio and taking a seat beside the Marine.

While Twilight tried to find a page on penis enlargement, Spiderman decided to make use of his time and do what a Spiderman does.

He turned away from the three mares, reached into his bottoms, and started stealthily fapping.

“...Spiderman...?” Fluttershy asked, noticing this.

“Sneaky wank, lawl,"” he said.

Fluttershy ignored the Spiderman, turning her attention back to Twilight. She continued flipping through her tome before stopping about halfway through the old book “Ah hah! Penis enlargement!” Twilight exclaimed. After a few moments of reading, she turned on the oblivious librarian seated next to her, her horn glowing with a black aura.

Rainbow Dash glanced over, noticing this. “TWILIGHT, WHAT THE FUCK?!” she demanded angrily, “DON’T POINT THAT AT ME!”

It was too late. The spell activated as Rainbow Dash was hit by a blast of magic, sending her flying across the room and into a wall. As she sat there, stunned by the impact, a small bump started to grow on her forehead. At first, it appeared to just be an injury caused by the pegasus crashing into the wall. However, the bump continued to grow and started to morph into a tube-like shape.

“No way.” Twilight's eye twitched.

A fully-erect five-foot cock had sprouted out of the librarian’s head. She glanced up to see why her head was suddenly so heavy and screeched at the sight of the giant pecker growing out of her forehead, before the
weight of the cock caused her to fall face-first into the ground.

“That’s fucking hilarious!” Fluttershy exclaimed. She and our hero went into hysterics, falling over each other as they laughed to their hearts' content. A small chuckle escaped the purple unicorn's mouth before she too joined them in their hysterics.

“Get it off!” Rainbow Dash cried.

“No, no, this is too precious!” Twilight slammed her hooves on the floor as she continued to laugh.

“Quit playing!” the librarian protested., pouting.

“...Fine.” Twilight took a breath and regained her composure before sneaking a peek at the book. “It says that it should wear off in a minute or two if accidentally inflicted on something that does not have a penis... and to seek immediate medical attention if it last more than four hours.”

“Great," Dash grumbled.

“Cheer up, at least you can brag about how you make Big Mac look like Pipsqueak,” Fluttershy said, smirking as she patted the librarian on the back.

“You’re not helping...” Rainbow Dash mumbled under her breath.

“I don’t give a fuck,” Fluttershy said, before turning back to Twilight. “What next?”

“Summoning?” the unicorn suggested.

“I can dig it, lawl," Spiderman said.

“Ready?” Rainbow Dash asked, watching as Spiderman and Fluttershy kicked the massive dong that grew out of her forehead and fell off minutes later back and forth.

“Ready.” Twilight nodded as she finished creating the summoning circle, which a small smiley face drawn with the blood of our hero. Why he did it, no one knows. Probably thought he was going to score.

“Alright Spidey, do your stuff,” Fluttershy ordered.

“Lawl k,” he replied, walking over to the summoning circle. He bit his thumb, running his blood across the “contract”, that would make whatever arose from the summoning circle serve our hero.

“Say the magic words, Spidey,” Twilight prompted.

“Summoning justu!” our hero exclaimed, forming the boar, dog, bird, monkey, and ram signs with his hand and placing his hand on the summoning circle. “Believe it, lawl.”

The ground shook violently as a cloud of smoke appeared over the summoning circle. The sound of nails or claws tapping against the floor impatiently filled the air. Moments later, the smoke faded away, evealing what our hero had summoned.

It was a tall, slender reptilian, sporting a black top hat and what appeared to be a scouter. On his lips was a neatly trimmed mustache, similar to Joseph Stalin’s mustache. The creature grinned, revealing a set of large and extremely sharp teeth.

It was a fucking velociraptor. They summoned a fucking velociraptor.

“Kick ass,” Fluttershy commented.

The raptor walked towards our hero and genuflected before him. “Are you my master?” he asked, sounding exactly like Nigel Thornberry.

“Probably, lawl,” Spiderman responded in his usual fashion.

“Smashing! My name is--”

“Your name is Fluffles,” our hero stated.

“Sir Lance the--wait, what?”

“Your--name--is--Fluffles,” Spiderman repeated.

“That’s not my name,” the velociraptor said, frowning.

Our hero shrugged.

“Whatever,” the raptor said. “Since you have summoned me, it is my duty to serve you until the contract is void.”

“Bitchin’.”

“Now, what shall I do for you?” he asked.

“I dunno, lawl. Let’s drink some beer.”

Fluffles raised a brow. “I’m a velociraptor with an unmatched magical and hand-to-hand combat ability, and you want to drink beer with you?”

“Sure, lawl,” our hero responded.

“Why not?” Fluttershy interjected.

The raptor shrugged. “Basically every master I had used me as their personal assassin. To be honest, this is the first time I’ve been asked to simply... what’s the word they are using now a days... chill, is it?”

“Bummer,” Rainbow Dash commented, watching the raptor with fascination.

“You’re my bro, Fluffles. Lawl. Now, brofist me and pop open a beer,” Spiderman prompted, opening up a can of Coors and extending his fist out to the velociraptor.

“I’m your... bro?” asked Fluffles.

Our hero nodded.

Fluffles the gentlemanly raptor smiled, bumping his claw against our hero’s outstretched hand. “Bully!”

Le fin.