60's Era Spiderman goes to Equestria

by MnM

First published 3rd of October, 2012

And he fucks up everything

*Criticism, negative or positive, and comments are encouraged*

One day, 60's Era Spiderman accidentally swings into a portal and finds himself permanently stuck in Equestria. But does he give a fuck? Hell no! Did you forget who we are talking about?

The Arrival

Spiderman dodged and weaved through the maze of tall skyscrapers, doing his best to escape the giant dragon that was chasing him. The reason why the dragon was chasing him, however, escaped our hero. And quite frankly, Spiderman didn't give much of a fuck either.

"Fuck you!" Spiderman shouted back at the dragon, before dodging another wall of flame. He flipped the dragon the bird and cursed at him once more. This angered the dragon greatly, causing the dragon to soar past Spiderman and break his web, sending him plummeting towards the ground far below. Spiderman attempted to shoot out another stream of spiderweb to save himself from plummeting to his death, but found it was all in vain upon discovering something.

Spiderman had forgot how to shot web.

"How do I shot web?!" Spiderman demanded, hoping maybe God would hear him and save his spider ass.

Meanwhile, in heaven, Chuck Norris watched as Spiderman plummeted towards the streets of Badly Animated New York City, a no doubt unfortunate death for our hero.

"How do I shot web?!" Spiderman demanded.

"Lawl I dunno." Chuck Norris responded.

However, that day, Chuck Norris was in a good mood. His son, Black Jesus, had done a good job spreading the word of Old Spice in an alternate universe, so Chuck Norris decided to just say 'what the fuck' and save Spiderman's spider ass.

Spiderman continued to plummet towards the ground at terminal velocity. He knew how it would end for him, for Spiderman had seen the aftermath of people jumping off Badly Drawn New York City's many high rises. All that would be left was a liquid mixture of skin and bodily fluids, as well as some body parts that managed to survive the fall and the remnants of the person's clothes. It was never a pretty sight, but as far as everyone knew, it was a quick and painless death. Not that Spiderman gave a fuck about whether his death was painless or not.

All that Spiderman cared about was the fact he wouldn't be able to fuck Mary Jane anymore. And he wouldn't be able to pleasure trees, and molest Billy anymore.

All in all, Spiderman's life was a good run.

"I guess it's just time to resign to my fate." Spiderman stated, "god damn, how could I forget to shot web at a time like this?"

Suddenly, a small black hole appeared below Spiderman. Before our hero could even blink, he was sucked into it.

Spiderman awoke in what looked like a small village from the 18th century, surrounded by small modest homes and cottages. Sadly for our hero, the buildings were not nearly tall enough for Spiderman to use for swinging around town. Due to this, Spiderman was pretty much grounded.

Upon realizing this, Spiderman sat on the ground and pouted. "This is bullshit," he began to say, "you can't ground Spiderman."

After a few minutes of pouting, our hero finally got over himself and decided to look around. For the first time since his arrival, he noticed that he was not alone. In fact, he was surrounded by pastel colored horses.

"Hay." Spiderman said, before chuckling to himself upon realizing the little pun he said. Because, you know, horses eat hay.

"Hello." one of the horses, a lavender horse with what looked like an erection sticking out of its mane greeted tentatively.

Spiderman blinked and stared at the purple pony. Did she just talk?

"Fuck, I'm high." Spiderman stated coolly, before getting up off the ground.

"Are you lost?" the purple horse with an erection growing out its head asked.

Spiderman regarded the small horse for a second, before putting his hand right in her (guessing by the sound of its voice, it was obviously a girl) and saying, "fuck your hockey game."

The purple horse looked at our hero like he was crazy. "What hockey game?" she asked, confused.

"Lawl I don't know." he responded, "ooga booga where da white wimmin at?"

"...white wimmin?" the horse asked, even more confused, "I think you should come with me."

"Are you a cop?" Spiderman asked, pointing accusingly at the purple horse.

"What? No!" the purple horse responded.

But our hero did not believe her. She smelt like a pig. "Fuck da police!" Spiderman proclaimed, before running away from the talking purple horse. But before he could escape, he felt himself lifted off the ground by some unknown force.

"What is this fuckery?!" Spiderman demanded, as he floated back over the purple horse.

"Would you mind toning down on the language? There are foals around." the purple horse asked, pointing to a group of what Spiderman guessed were horse children.

"Yeah? Well, look up in the sky!" Spiderman shouted, pointing up in the air. The purple horse looked in the direction Spiderman was pointing, but saw nothing.

"There's nothing there." the purple horse pointed out, confused.

"Huh, that's odd. I swear I saw the fuck I gave floating up around in that area." Spiderman stated.

The purple horses jaw dropped. "Stop with the language, for Celestia's sake!"

"Who's Celestia? Is she hot?" Spiderman asked.

The purple horse blushed. "Well... I-I guess so."

Suddenly, Spiderman reached into his spandex pants and started rubbing himself. "Lol sneaky wank."

This earned gasps of shock from the surrounding ponies. Hell, a few ponies barfed, and one even fainted. But our hero didn't give a fuck about that.

Tired of Spiderman's behavior, the purple horse teleported him and herself out of town. After reorienting himself, our hero found himself outside of a small cottage, that smelt of a mixture of animal food and feces.

"What a dump." Spiderman commented. The purple horse rolled her eyes and started knocking her right hoof on the cottages door.

"Fluttershy? It's Twilight! Mind opening up? I have someone I want you to meet." 'Twilight' called out, trying to get the attention of this 'Fluttershy'. Probably some crazy forever alone animal lover from the smell of the place. Spiderman had smelt ghettos that smelt nicer.

Finally, the door slowly creaked open, revealing a small butter yellow horse with a pink mane, small wings, and a tattoo of three pink butterflies on its ass.

"Hello Twilight... who's your friend?" the horse that Spiderman guessed was 'Fluttershy' asked.

Just a stupid animal

"...would you like to come inside?" Fluttershy asked timidly, opening the door all the way for her guests.

"I don't give a fuck." Spiderman said, walking past the yellow pegasus. Twilight stood frozen in shock. Nopony ever curses around Fluttershy. Even Gilda held her foul tongue around the timid butter yellow pegasus. However, what shocked Twilight even more was the fact Fluttershy didn't seem bothered in the slightest by his language.

"Fluttershy? Are you alright?" Twilight asked.

"Oh... I'm fine Twilight." Fluttershy answered.

"Are you sure? You don't seem bothered at all by that creatures harsh language." Twilight stated.

"Oh, I don't mind at all. He's just another stupid animal. He doesn't know any better." Fluttershy said, "would you like to come in as well, Twilight? I was just making some tea."

"Sure, why not?" Twilight said with a shrug, before the two ponies started making their way inside the cottage.

Our hero sat on a tiny little couch, doing his best not to vomit due to the overwhelming smell of piss and shit. Seriously, it smelt worse than sewer in there. Spidey smelt rotting corpses that smelt better than this cottage.

Suddenly, this little white bunny comes out of no where and starts kicking his shin.

"Fuck off." Spiderman said to the little asshole bunny. The asshole bunny stopped kicking him, but looked up at him and glared at him, before flipping him the bird.

This, of course, really pissed off our hero. No one, not even cute little asshole bunnies, flipped him the bird. So Spiderman held out his arm and shot web at the little asshole, sending the white bunny flying across the room. While he struggled to free himself from his binds, the yellow pegasus with butterflies on her ass and the purple horse with an erection sticking out of her mane walked into the room.

"Hello..." the pegasus said gingerly.

"Hay." our hero responded. Of course, our hero really just wanted to tell her to fuck off, but he found the little yellow pegasus kind of cute. That, and she had some sweet tats.

"Do you have a name...?" she asked, trotting up to our hero and sitting down beside him on the tiny couch.

"I like where this is going." Spiderman commented. Twilight's mouth dropped, and Fluttershy, in her innocence, merely giggled.

"Is that your name? How strange." Fluttershy commented.

"What? No, my name is Spiderman." our hero answered.

"Oh! I see, because of the webs on... your... I'm sorry, but that clothes or skin?" Fluttershy inquired, poking at our hero's leotard.

"It's my spidey outfit lawl." Spiderman answered.

"What's lawl mean?" the purple erection horse, also known as Twilight, asked.

"Lawl I dunno." Spiderman responded, throwing his hands up in a shrug.

"But that doesn't even make any sense!" Twilight exclaimed. In response, Spiderman started digging for his non-existent pockets.

"What are you looking for?" Fluttershy asked.

"I'm searching for a fuck to give." Spiderman answered. Much to Twilight's shock, Fluttershy started cracking up at this.

"Nope. Damn. That fuck I was going to give you has disappeared, Purple." Spiderman apologized, sending Fluttershy into hysterics. She actually fell off the couch and started rolling around on the shit stained and piss covered floor, laughing her fucking head off.

"Fluttershy... are you okay?" Twilight asked, getting quite concerned for her friends mental health.

Fluttershy continued laughing hysterically for a few moments, but quickly wound down and hid behind her mane, embarrassed by her sudden and unusual outburst. "Oh... I'm sorry Twilight..." she squeaked.

Our hero smiled to himself as he gazed at the small yellow pegasus. Despite her shyness, she obviously has the potential to be quite the non-fuck-giver (Spiderman knew that didn't make any sense, but fuck you, he's Spiderman). All she needed was... a little chaos.

As if on cue, the door opened inwards, despite the fact it opened outwards, and in walked a weird creature. That's really all Spiderman could say to describe said creature, because his body layout didn't make much sense to our hero. It's head was vaguely horse-like, with a deer antler and goat horn. It had the right arm of a lion, the left claw of an eagle, the right leg of a lizard, and the left leg of a goat. It also had a bat's right wing, a pegasus' left wing, a horse's mane and a dragon's tail with a white tail tuft. He also had a body similar to a snake.

"Discord!" Twilight spat out, her horn glowing as she prepared an offensive spell to take down the draconequus. Fluttershy ran for cover, while Spiderman sat on the couch and watched, not giving a fuck.

"Please, Twilight Sparkle, put that thing away. You could shoot someponies eye out with that." Discord said, with a mischievous smile.

Oh fuck, it's Friday!

"What are you doing here, Discord?!" Twilight Sparkle demanded, disengaging her offensive spell. "Aren't you supposed to be imprisoned in the Canterlot Gardens?"

"Well, I was, up until your friend over here appeared." Discord stated, before teleporting behind our hero, who was busy not giving a fuck. "His appearance in this world has caused just enough chaos to free me from my stone tomb."

"Meh." Spiderman muttered.

"It's Spiderman, isn't it?" Discord asked, teleporting into the seat beside him.

"Fuck you, I'm Spiderman." our hero answered, flipping Discord the bird.

"Just as I thought. So, Spiderman, do you know what day it is?" Discord asked.

"Does it look like I give a fuck?" Spiderman responded, pulling a bottle of water out of his non-existent pockets and taking a big drink out of it.

"It's Friday, Spiderman." Discord stated.

Spiderman's eyes shot open as he spat out the water that was filling his mouth, before jumping up off the couch. "Oh no! I forgot to get down on Friday!"

Our hero's reaction sent both Discord and Fluttershy into a hysterical fit of laughter. In Twilight's expert judgement, it actually appeared that FLUTTERSHY was out laughing Discord. Yeah... you read that right.

After a while, Discord wound down and teleported next to Twilight. "See that?" Discord asked, motioning to Fluttershy, who was still in hysterics. "That's Spidey's style of chaos."

"So... it makes Fluttershy less shy?" Twilight inquired.

A toothy grin spread across the disembodiment of Chaos' face. "You shall see, Twilight. It will be very interesting to watch." he said, before disappearing with a bright flash. Seconds later, there was loud knock at the door. Noticing Fluttershy was, amazingly, still rolling around on the floor laughing, Twilight made her way over to the door. Upon opening it, it flew open and slammed into Twilight's face.

In walked a mint horse with an erection sticking out of vibrant powder blue mane, staring at our hero with crazed golden eyes.

"Huuuuuuuuuuuman..." she muttered, her mouth frothing.

"Hay." Spiderman said, getting into a sexy pose. "Draw me like one of your french girls."

Meanwhile, Chuck Norris watched from above, quite amused by Spiderman's antics. Chuck Norris was sure that his decision to send Spiderman to Equestria was the right one. I mean, he was God, after all. God doesn't make fucking mistakes.

"It's good to be God." Chuck Norris mused, as he sat back in extremely comfortable chair and relaxed.

Fluttershy held in her laughter long enough to look up and notice the crazed unicorn. She looked much like Twilight that one time she could not find something to report on in her letter to Princess Celestia. What a mess that was.

Speaking of Princess Celestia, where was she? The disembodiment of chaos has escaped, and there was an alien visitor in her home. A good leader like her would have responded to this turn of events already. Right?

Meanwhile, Princess Celestia overlooked the courtyard in front of the Canterlot Castle, where a large crowd of angry ponies, tired of Princess Celestia’s horrible leadership and her huge, fat ass, were marching towards the gates. These ponies were led by her younger sister, Princess Luna.

As Princess Celestia watched, one of the few Royal Guards that have not abandoned the Solar Princess to join Princess Luna in her rebellion rushed in.

“Princess Celestia, what are we to do?” the guard asked, cradling his ceremonial spear nervously.

A heavy sigh of defeat escaped the princesses lips as she turn towards the guard. “Let them eat cake,” she answered, “let them eat cake.”

“But there is no cake.” the guard answered.

“So the cake...” the princess began.

“The cake was a lie, princess.” the guard finished for her, right as the castles doors were busted in, and a hundred angry ponies, led by an extremely pissed alicorn, rushed inside, killing anypony that stood in their path.

“Oh... hello Lyra...” Fluttershy squeaked, hiding behind her mane, once again embarrassed by sudden outburst.

“Huuuuuuuuuuuman...” Lyra repeated, making her way over to our hero.

Spiderman didn't seem to mind the crazed pony. “Hay... you guys... you wanna get down on Friday with me...?” Spiderman asked, a grin spreading across his face under his mask.

“Get down?” Twilight asked, who may be suffering from a concussion.

“Hang out. What, are you stupid?” Spiderman asked, earning an angry glare from the purple horse.

“How dare you?! I'm one of the smartest ponies in this town!” Twilight responded.

“One... fuck you, I'm Spiderman. Two... you're a fucking horse. And three, I doubt you are the smartest. Fluttershy seems smarter than you.”

Before Twilight could say anymore, Lyra shook herself out of her crazed state and perked up. "Hey guys! Let's play ignore Twilight!" she exclaimed.

"I'm up for that. Fuck you purple." Spiderman stated, throwing up his middle finger and thrusting his arm straight out towards Twilight, before turning to Fluttershy, "now you."

Fluttershy shrugged and shoved her hoof up into Twilight's face. "Um... fuck you Twilight." she said, before Lyra and Spiderman cheered.

"Come on, let's go get down!" Spiderman exclaimed. Truly, the only time Spiderman actually gave a fuck about anything is when he was getting down on Friday.

"Woo hoo!" Lyra cheered, skipping merrily out the door.

"...yay..." Fluttershy squeaked as she and Spiderman walked out the door, leaving behind a very confused Twilight.

LOOK AT HIM AND LAUGH!

Our hero and the mint horse with an erection sticking out of its mane sat on a bench in the park, with Fluttershy asleep on their laps.

"My faggot detector is off the charts." Spiderman commented as a stallion with a vibrant pink mane walked by. He glared at our hero over his shoulder before moving on.

"Tell me about where you're from, Spiderman." Lyra stated, pulling out a notepad and a pen to jot down notes with.

"It sucks and is badly animated. Not like I give a fuck." our hero responded.

"Fascinating." Lyra commented, jotting down a few notes.

"There were always these fucking faggots trying to stop me from getting laid too. I would keep telling them... 'fuck off, I'm fucking Mary Jane', but did they listen? Fuck no. They kept on attacking me when I was trying to bang Mary Jane."

"Who's Mary Jane?" Lyra inquired.

"Some ho I banged every so often. I would always have to save her stupid ass from these assholes, whom would set obvious traps for her, and of course, in her stupidity, she would fall for them and get captured. And then I would come in, whoop their asses, and save her, and then she would repay my bravery in sex." Spiderman responded.

"Was it worth it?" Lyra asked.

"Hell no. I've banged trees that bang better than her." Spiderman answered.

"Have you actually banged a tree?" Lyra inquired.

"Fuck off Hitler I'm trying to pleasure tree." Spiderman screeched at his boss, as he attempted to pleasure a tree.

"For the last time, I'm not Hitler!" John Jameson exclaimed.

"Lawl I don't give a fuck." our hero said, continuing to pleasure the tree.

"Yeah. And damn, that tree was tight." our hero said.

"I'd like to be a tree..." Fluttershy muttered sleepily.

"I like where this is going." Spiderman commented.

“Dear Celestia, that suit is just so...” someone began to say in an elegant, fancy voice, “horrid.”

Spiderman turned his head to spot a white horse with an erection sticking out of its fancy purple mane, staring at him like he was some sort of monster.

“Lawl I don't give a fuck.” our hero stated, flipping the white horse off.

The horse gasped. “Such language!” she said, aghast.

Suddenly, Fluttershy's eyes shot open and she looked up at the horse. “Oh... hi Rarity...” she said, before a little cute yawn escaped her lips.

“Fluttershy, what are you doing with this beast?!” this so called 'Rarity' demanded, glaring suspiciously at Spiderman.

“Oh... he's a really nice guy once you get to know him... and he's really fucking funny too...” Fluttershy cooed, lying her head back in our heroes lap.

Rarity mouth dropped, shocked at the sudden vulgarity of her usually timid friend. The most vulgar thing she had ever heard the timid butter yellow pegasus say was 'I don't give a flying feather', which was typically used by ponies who did not feel comfortable dropping the infamous 'F bomb'. Not even Applejack, who wasn't above using most swear words, didn't dare utter the 'F bomb'.

“What have you done with my friend?!” Rarity demanded, rushing forward and pushing her snout against Spiderman's masked face.

“Lawl I dunno.” our hero responded.

Rarity suddenly felt a deep fear inside of her. She glanced down at Fluttershy, who was staring intensely up at her. Fluttershy jumped up and pushed Rarity away from our hero.

“HOW DARE YOU?!” Fluttershy demanded angrily, her angry voice rivaling the Royal Canterlot Voice, “HE IS MY FRIEND! I DON'T INSULT THE VARIOUS STALLIONS YOU FUCK ON A NIGHTLY BASIS!”

Rarity felt ashamed off herself and felt her cheeks redden. “Fluttershy!” she gasped, “how could you say that?”

But Fluttershy wasn't finished. “YOU CALL MY FRIEND A BEAST AND INSULT THE WAY HE DRESSES, WHEN HE IS BY FAR ONE OF THE NICEST CREATURES I HAVE EVER MET IN MY LIFE.”

The fact that Spiderman was just described as nice almost made our hero give a fuck. Almost.

“Woah dude!” Lyra exclaimed.

“NOW APOLOGIZE!” Fluttershy screeched, her intense glare growing more intense by the second.

Rarity squeaked, almost fearful of her formally timid friend. She then glanced up at our hero, who was looking down at her.

“I'm sorry, Mr...?” Rarity had no idea what his name was.

“Spiderman.” our hero answered.

“Thank you. I apologize, Mr Spiderman.”

“It's cool.” Spiderman said, not really giving a fuck, “you wanna get down on Friday with us?”

"Get down, you say?" Rarity asked, before examining the watch to her right forehoof. It was 4:31. "I have not gotten down in... well years, you see. Yes... I would be delighted to get down with you today, Mr. Spiderman."

Lyra and Fluttershy cheered, while Spiderman sat there, not giving a fuck. Rarity stood there with an awkward smile on her face.

"Do you wish to go into town, Mr. Spiderman?" Rarity asked.

Our hero shrugged. "Why dafuq not?" he asked, getting up

Meanwhile, Twilight Sparkle lay in her bed, clopping to a sexy picture of the late Princess Celestia.

"Well, here we are!" Rarity exclaimed, as she, Spiderman, and the other two horses stood in front of a large club, "the hippest club in all of Ponyville!"

"What's it called?" Spiderman asked.

"The Mare's Lair." Rarity responded.

"Hmm... seems legit..." our hero commented, before he started to make his way inside, the three mares trailing right behind him.

"Stop right there!" someone shouted. Spiderman turned around to see a large, muscular horse glaring at him, wearing a black shirt labelled 'security' in big bold letters. It was a fucking bouncer. And boy, did Spiderman hate bouncers. "Your names aren't on the list."

"Lawl I don't give a fuck." Spiderman said, turning back around and making his way towards the club. The bouncer rushed forward and attempted to tackle our hero, but Spiderman's spider senses alerted him of the danger. He stepped to the side and tripped the bouncer, causing the bouncer so tumble and fall to ground.

Spiderman started cackling like a hyena. "Look at him! Look at him and laugh!" he bellowed. His laughter was joined by the laughter of Lyra and Fluttershy, as well as various other horses nearby. Rarity stood and watched, not wanting to laugh at the bouncers misfortune, but soon found herself pointing and laughing at the bouncer.

"Come on everybody! Let's go inside!" Lyra shouted.

"Bout fucking time! I really to get down." Spiderman stated, as he and three mares walked inside.

The club can't handle me right now

Two in one day? Oh you shouldn't have, oh you shouldn't have!

I mean, MarineMarksman, you really shouldn't have!

-Average fan reaction to two chapters in one day

When our hero entered the club, his ear drums were nearly blown out by the sheer volume of the music at the club. Not like he gave a fuck.

"Oh wow! This place is awesome!" Fluttershy over the music, "why haven't I come here before?"

"Because, darling, you haven't had the heart to come here before." Rarity said, walking past the other three members of the group and making her way over to the dance floor.

"Oh... oh yeah." Fluttershy said, rushing to catch up with her white friend.

"Come on you two! Let's, how they say... 'hit the dance floor'!" Rarity called back to Spiderman and Lyra, who were busy taking in the place.

"Lol k." Spiderman said, as he and Lyra rushed to catch up with Fluttershy and Rarity.

Meanwhile, Twilight Sparkle orgasmed and got out of her bed, walking down the stairs as silently as possible, in an attempt not to wake up her pet dragon/assistant/brother/adoptive son/slave Spike, who was sleeping beside her bed. In reality, Spike was awake the whole time, watching Twilight clop. It was very exciting for the young dragon.

But, that doesn't matter. What matters is what Twilight is doing.

Twilight carefully tossed on a stylish, yet revealing black dress and put on some high horse shoes. She had a mission for that night.

"It's time to finally get laid." the book nerd stated, before making her way out the door and walking in the direction of Sugarcube Corner.

"We can dance if we want to!" Spiderman sang, dancing around like a goofball.

"We can leave your friends behind!" Lyra chimed in.

"'Cause your friends don't dance and if they don't dance-" Spiderman sang.

"We'll they're no friends of mine!" Lyra finished for our hero.

"Looks like you too are having fun!" Rarity shouted, dancing her way over to the two.

"Fucking A! The club can't even handle me right now lawl." Spiderman exclaimed, continuing to dance in a very... unique way. Quite frankly, our hero looked rather retarded at the moment. But that's okay, because he CAN, in fact, count to potato.

"Mmm... quite..." Rarity stated, "say, why don't we get a few drinks?"

Our hero shrugged. "Why the fuck not?" he asked.

Twilight anxiously walked up to the entrance of the Sugarcube Corner and knocked on the door loudly. The door flew open automatically, and there stood Pinkie Pie, dressed in a dress almost exactly like Twilight's, but bright red color.

"Hey Twilight! You gonna go get laid too?" Pinkie Pie asked, walking out of the little quaint bakery and letting the door close behind her.

"Um... yeah..." Twilight answered, her cheeks turning a deep scarlet.

"Well, come on! Let's go clubbing!" Pinkie Pie exclaimed, skipping away merrily. Twilight shrugged and rushed to follow her friend.

"I'll take a pint of vodka." Spiderman said to the bartender, earning him a strange look from the colt.

"Don't you mean a shot, sir?" the bartender asked.

"No, a fucking pint. And don't water it down, for fucks sake." our hero stated.

"Sir, I don't think that's good for your health." the bartender stated.

"Look in my hand and tell me what you see." Spiderman instructed, extended his arm out to the bartender and holding out his palm.

"There is nothing, sir." the bartender answered.

"Look closer. The fuck I give is supposed to be in my palm." our hero stated.

The bartender examined Spiderman's hand once more. "Nope, still nothing." he said.

"Exactly. There is no fuck, because I never gave a fuck. Now get me my pint of fucking vodka!" Spiderman shouted.

"Very good sir. And for you miss?"

"A vodka cranberry, darling." Rarity stated, as Spiderman noticed that she had taken a seat beside him. He looked around for Fluttershy and Lyra, but found they were no where in sight.

"Hay." Spiderman said.

"Hello." Rarity answered awkwardly.

The two sat there in awkward silence for what seemed like forever. I know, ridiculous isn't it? Spiderman going more than thirty seconds without running his fucking mouth. This even surprises us, the writers of this fic.

Anyway, after a few long awkward moments, Rarity decided to break the ice. "Listen, I am terribly sorry for how rash I acted this afternoon. I had no right to insult you or the way you dress, and wasn't in any position to insult anyone anyway. I'm really sorry, Mr. Spiderman. I hope we can put aside all this and become friends."

"Enjoy liver cancer, sir." the bartender said, sliding a pint of straight vodka in front of our hero, then sliding a vodka cranberry over to Rarity. Rarity took a tiny sip from her drink, while Spiderman drank down the entire pint of vodka in one go.

No, seriously, Spiderman just downed a WHOLE FUCKING PINT of STRAIGHT VODKA. And guess what? He wasn't effected in the slightest. It only made him A LITTLE tipsy.

"Wanna kiss and make up?" Spiderman asked.

Rarity smiled and slammed down her vodka cranberry. "Well... now that you mention it."

Spiderman lay beside the now sleeping form of Rarity, whom fell into deep sleep after Spiderman rutted her brains out. According to Fluttershy's little rant, Rarity supposedly slept with various different males every week, but damn, her pussy was really fucking tight. It was like she was still a virgin.

Wait...

"Rarity...?" Spiderman asked.

"Mmhmm...?" she answered sleepily.

"Are you a virgin." Spiderman inquired.

"Mmm... not anymore darling..." Rarity muttered sleepily, before falling back asleep. Our hero sighed and looked up at the sky, where he had a feeling someone was observing him.

What's that smell?

[Authors Note - That feel when you can't download the Medal of Honor multiplayer demo for some reason.]

"Lawl I'll call you later." Spiderman said with his fingers crossed as he rolled out of Rarity's bed.

"But I never gave you my number." Rarity pointed out, sitting up in her bed.

"I don't give a fuck lawl." our hero said, before jumping out the nearest window. As Spiderman plummeted from the second floor of the Carousel Boutique, he extended his right arm out and shot a long stream of web out of it. The web shot across the street and attached to a building across the street, allowing our hero to swing down to the street below safely. This little show of epicness elicited cheers of excitement from anyone that witnessed it.

"Woo hoo!" a gray horse with wings and really fucked up eyes cheered, before falling over clumsily.

"Lol you stupid or something?" our hero asked the mare with the fucked up eyes.

"No, I have a disorder known as-"

"I don't give a fuck." Spiderman said, before swinging away.

"Oh... okay then!" the fucked up mare said.

As Spiderman swung away from the boutique, he heard someone calling after him. He looked down and spotted Lyra down below him.

"Spiderman! Get down here!" she called to our hero. Spiderman shrugged and cut his web, sending him plummeting to the ground below. He tucked and rolled safely in front of the mint colored horse.

"Hey Spiderman." Lyra chirped happily, beaming at our hero.

"Hay." Spiderman responded, jumping up to his feet and dusting off his Spidey outfit.

"What's up?" Lyra asked.

"Not much. Busy not giving a fuck. I was going to go find purple erection and go fuck with her." our hero responded.

"Don't you mean Twilight?" Lyra inquired.

"I guess lawl." Spiderman said, "wanna cum?"

"Would I!" Lyra exclaimed, squeeing happily.

Twilight was reading a book on the ancient history of the alicorns when there was a loud knock at the door.

"I wonder who that could be..." Twilight said to herself, looking at her watch. It was still very early in the morning. She shrugged and made her way over to the door, but upon opening it, Twilight came face to face with our hero, Spiderman.

"Hay." he greeted.

"Ahhh!" she screeched in surprise.

"Why are you so surprised?" Spiderman asked, "you know I drop by every Friday afternoon."

"But... today's Saturday, and you arrived in Ponyville just yesterday!" Twilight pointed out.

"Lawl I don't give a fuck." Spiderman said, earning a facehoof from Twilight Sparkle.

"Ugh... do you want to come in or something?" Twilight asked.

"I go where ever I please, purple." our hero said, pushing aside Twilight and walking inside the library, followed closely by Lyra.

"Hi Twilight!" Lyra chirped happily, waving at her as she walked past her.

"Hi Ly- SPIDERMAN WHAT THE BUCK ARE YOU DOING?!" Twilight demanded.

"Hold on," Spiderman said as he squat over the book Twilight was reading, "I'm taking a shit."

Twilight watched in horror as a long solid mass of feces fell out of our heroes asshole and plopped on the book.

"WHAT THE HELL?!" Twilight screeched in horror.

"That'll be twenty-four bits." Spiderman said, extended his palm out towards the purple horse.

"But you took a dump on my book..." Twilight pointed out.

Spiderman ignored her. "Well... pay the Spiderman!" he ordered.

Twilight sighed. "Will you leave if I pay you?" she asked.

"Yeah lawl." Spiderman answered. Reluctantly, Twilight picked up her purse with her telekinesis and levitated it over to her. Before she could even blink, Spiderman reached his hand inside of her purse and fished out a handful of bits.

"Kthnxbai." Spiderman said as he jumped out the nearest window. Twilight growled (yes, she literally growled from pure frustration and anger) and glanced over at Lyra. She stood there for a couple seconds, smiling sheepishly, before sprinting out of the library, leaving behind a small cloud of dust.

"Ugh... what's that smell?!" Spike demanded, as he made his way down the stairs. He looked around the room, then glanced at the shattered window, and then saw the history book that was covered in shit. "Twilight! What the buck?! Have you been snorting sugar with Pinkie Pie again?"

Twilight groaned and facehoofed. "I'm going out, okay Spike? Clean this up, will ya?"

"Sure thing, master." Spike said sarcastically, before making his way back upstairs to fetch his cleaning supplies. Twilight sighed and fitted her saddle bag onto her flanks, shoving her purse inside of one of the saddle bags many compartments, and making her way outside, slamming the door as hard as she could behind her.

You want fries with that?!

[See the new romance tag? Gonna start shipping the fuck out of a few ponies and non ponies eventually.]

"So, where are we going now?" Lyra asked, trotting beside our hero as they walked down the street.

"Lawl I dunno." Spiderman answered.

"Wanna get some lunch with that money you got from Twilight?" the mint colored mare asked.

Our hero shrugged. "Why the fuck not?"

While Lyra and Spiderman started walking down the street, where the nearest Mcdonalds was (yes, Equestria has Mcdonalds; it also has Walmart's and Denny's... I don't know how), Discord watched high above in the clouds, snickering at our heroes antics.

"This is just perfect!" Discord said to himself, snickering uncontrollably. Ever since he left Fluttershy's cottage, he has been observing Spiderman. He even watched as he rutted that whores brains out. Discord hated to admit it, but the human was doing almost as good of a job as he would when causing chaos, even if Spiderman caused chaos in a more... subtle manner.

Suddenly, Discord's attention was pulled away from our hero when he felt something land on the cloud he was lounging around on. The embodiment of chaos looked over his shoulder and spotted Queen Chrysalis, the former leader of the changelings. After her failure in Canterlot, she was overthrown and exiled, left to roam the Earth alone without purpose.

Until now.

"Ah, young Chrysalis! It's a pleasure to meet you, my Queen." Discord said, before grasping one of the Queens forehooves and kissing it gingerly.

"The pleasure is all mine. Your escapades against the ponies have truly served as an inspiration for my own." Chrysalis said, pulling her hoof away from the draconequus,

Discord smiled mischievously. "Well, I certainly enjoyed watching your drones practically wipe out the Equestrian Royal Guard without breaking a sweat from my stone imprisonment. Though, I must say, the fact that a group of six teenage mares without any combat training managed to take out over a hundred of your drone in hoof-to-hoof combat is quite surprising." Discord stated.

A low chuckle escaped the changelings lips. "It surprised me as well. Doesn't make much sense, does it?"

"No, not at all. Stupid writers." Discord commented, as the two villains shared a knowing glance.

"Anyways... I got your little... telepathic message yesterday, Discord. You said you had an offer." Chrysalis stated.

"That I did. But, I am not ready to tell you about it yet, my Queen. For now, I think we could both use each others company. Besides, I think you'll enjoy observing this human far more than my little offer." Discord said, motioning the changeling to take a seat beside him. Reluctantly, the Queen scooted over to the draconequus's side and looked up the side of the cloud, which was floating only about fifteen feet off the ground.

"A little low, don't you think?" the Queen commented.

"Shhhh girl," Discord said in what we know as a stereotypical black accent, "they can't see us."

"How do you know?" she asked.

"Magic." the draconequus responded with a casual roll of the eyes.

Chrysalis decided to drop the topic and examine what the cloud was floating over. Under the cloud was a pony that she recognized as one of the bridesmaids at the wedding, named Lyra if she remembered correctly. Walking with her, however, was a strange bipedal creature, with either red skin or clothing. She really couldn't tell.

"What am I looking at, Discord?" Chrysalis asked.

"That, my young Queen, is a human named Spiderman. He has super powers." Discord responded.

"What kind of superpowers?" the Queen asked.

"Spider powers." Discord answered.

"That's stupid."

"Tell me about it."

While Queen Chrysalis and Discord observed from above, Spiderman and Lyra walked into Ponyville's Mcdonalds, blissfully ignorant of the fact that they were being watched.

Spiderman walked up to the register was and looked at the menu. Same shit as back home.

"I'll take a big mac." Spiderman said to the colt manning the register.

"YOU WANT FRIES WITH THAT?!" the colt manning the register asked eagerly. To our hero, he appeared to be on something. Likely a mixture of crack cocaine and crystal meth.

"Ew. No. God no. Your fries suck." our hero said.

"Well fuck you too sir! How about you ma'am?" the colt manning the register asked the mint colored unicorn.

"I'll take some of them chicken nug-"

"YOU WANT FRIES WITH THAT?!" the colt manning the register asked once again, interrupting our heroes companion. Angered by the fact that someone else was being a dick to his friends (because only Spiderman can be a dick to his friends), our hero stepped forward and shot web at the colts mouth, effectively shutting him up. He then took the receipt and slammed the bits in front of the register.

Like a boss.

In the back corner of the Mcdonalds, Discord and Queen Chrysalis sat at one of the booths, wearing very elaborate disguises (not really; it was painfully obvious who they were, but no one really give a flying fuck about them).

"You see?" Discord asked, "the way he does things just has a subtle chaotic nature to it. Overtime, he can literally change the personality of pony. In one day, he changed Fluttershy from a shy, timid pussy to an outgoing lover of fun, who could probably rival Pinkie Pie in acts of randomness at the moment."

"I see." Chrysalis said, before levitating an uneaten burger away from an unsuspecting pony and pulling it over to her, ungracefully taking a bite out of it. She looked at the burger for a couple seconds, before looking back at Discord, who was fiddling with a strange device.

"What's that?" the Queen asked.

"Oh, this?" Discord asked, motioning to the strange contraption, "it's something called an MP3 player. I stole it from the human universe the last time I was free."

"Oh?" This got the Queen very curious. "What does it do?"

"Put this in your ear and find out." Discord instructed, holding out a pair of what looked like earmuffs to the changeling. Reluctantly, she picked it over her telekinesis and placed it over her ears. The moment she places the earmuff like contraption over her ears, a song began to play.

"What is this?" Chrysalis asked.

"'The Boss' by someone named James Brown. I must admit, he is by far one of my favorite human artists." Discord responded, humming along to the tune.

"I like it." the changeling mused, moving her body every so slightly to the songs rhythm.

"I know you do." Discord stated, sitting back in his chair and relaxing.

Look at this faggot

Spiderman and Lyra took a seat at one of the many empty tables inside the Mcdonalds, placing their food in between them. Our hero unwrapped his burger and tossed the wrapper on the floor. He then looked his burger for a few seconds, then pulled off his mask and took a big bite out of it. Our hero chewed on it for a seconds, before spitting it out.

"Fucking tofu!" Spiderman exclaimed as he threw his shitty tofu big mac across the restaurant, "tastes like my shit!"

"What were you expecting, Spidey?" Lyra asked, "you have to special order meat here."

"Now let me tell you why that's bullshit!" Spiderman said.

However, before Spiderman could enlighten us on how Mcdonalds not serving meat in a place where most customers are vegetarians, multiple Royal Guard pegasi crashed through the restaurants windows. They charged up towards our hero, pointing what looked like old school semi automatic rifles at him. A white horse with an erection sticking out of his helmet and wearing colorful purple armor trotted into the Mcdonalds and marched over to where our hero and his mint colored companion were sitting.

"Put your hands up!" the horse ordered, pointing his rifle straight at our heroes face.

"No, you faggot." he answered.

"But I have a gun!" the horse pointed out.

"Too bad lawl." Spiderman said, before turning to Lyra, "look at this faggot! Pointing his gay ass rifle at me. For the love of God, stop being such a faggot!"

The horses eye twitched and he fired a shot in the air. "I will blow your bloody brains out."

"Watch out! We got a bad ass over here!" Spiderman said, before extending his arm out towards the horses gun and shooting a stream of web into its barrel, rendering it useless.

But the horse didn't know this. "That's it!" he shouted, somehow pulling the trigger on the rifle. Of course, it didn't work, as the clog in the barrel caused the barrel to explode in a rather comedic fashion, like in a fucking Loony Tunes cartoon.

"CAPTAIN SHINING ARMOR! WHAT THE BUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?!" an extremely loud voice bellowed. The voice was so loud, it literally caused the restaurants windows to shatter. The voice also caused all the Guards in the room to drop their rifles and drop to the ground, bowing. In through the entrance walked a tall, dark blue horse with a long horn and large wings. Her mane seemed to be a strange aura instead of hair, and she had a large tattoo of the moon and stars on her ass. She also wore a necklace and crown.

'She must be black.' our hero thought.

"Captain Shining Armor, I am extremely disappointed in you. What the buck do you think you are doing? We make first contact with a new, friendly sentient species, and your first reaction is to point a gun at it?! Are you bucking- no, are you FUCKING insane?!" the blue horse demanded.

"But-" this Shining Armor began to protest.

"Shut the fuck up, Captain! I know damn well my sister made you Captain simply because you were involved with my cousin. You lack any leadership skill or experience at all. You're fucking demoted!" the blue horse exclaimed, before bitch slapping the former Captain, sending him flying across the restaurant and into a wall. The blue horse then turned towards our hero and sighed heavily.

"I am sorry you had to see that." she apologized.

"It's cool lawl." Spiderman said, waving it off.

"Well, still, I shouldn't have lost my temper like that." the blue horse stated.

"No, that was fucking awesome. Do it again lawl." our hero encouraged.

The horse chuckled lightly. "Sorry, but no." she said.

"Fuck..." Spiderman said, disappointed.

"Well, anyways..." the blue horse began awkwardly, "I'm Princess Luna, the ruler of the nation of Equestria."

"What happened to Celestia?" Lyra asked.

"Um..." Luna began awkwardly.

"Oh yes!" Celestia screeched in pleasure as the Guard whipped her once more.

"What the fuck?! You're not supposed to enjoy this!" the Guard shouted, whipping her over and over again with all his strength, eliciting a moan from the overthrown princess every time she was whipped.

"What do you expect, Guard? Someone in your position must know what my tastes are." Celestia pointed out.

The Guard pondered on this for a couple of seconds. "Well, shit." he said.

"Now that I think about it... my sister is probably enjoying her punishment." Luna mused.

"Sounds kinky." Spiderman said.

"You have no idea." Luna said, "I never got your name."

"His name is Spiderman, Princess." Lyra said.

"Ah! Well, Mr. Spiderman, I would be honored if you could accompany to dinner at the palace tomorrow." the Princess stated.

"You guys have vindaloo curry?" Spiderman asked.

"We have everything." Luna answered.

"Fucking sweet." our hero said.

"Well, I'll see you around, Mr. Spiderman." Luna said, turning around and making her way towards the exit. However, she stopped and turned towards where Queen Chrysalis and Discord were sitting, who were doing their best to hide from the Princess. They were failing epically.

"Ah! It's good to see you two." the Princess said, making her way over to the table.

"What do you want?" Queen Chrysalis hissed.

"I want to bury the hatchet." Luna stated, earning confused looks from both Discord and Chrysalis.

"What do you mean?" Discord asked, "we're both villains to you ponies."

"Villains to Celestia, Discord, but not to me." Luna pointed out. "You will find you two are very much welcome in Equestria now that Celestia has been overthrown and I am now in charge. Due to my secret hate of my sister, I had much respect for your attack on Canterlot, Chrysalis. And Discord, you really didn't do anything wrong in the first place. I would like to invite you two to dine with me and Spiderman tomorrow."

"Ooo! A double date? I like where this is going." Discord said.

"Who said anything about a date, dumbass?" Chrysalis hissed, slugging the draconequus in the shoulder before turning back to the Princess, "we'll be there. There better not be any trouble waiting for us, Luna."

"Oh please, you give me too much credit, Chrysalis. You two would be dead already if I wanted you two gone." Luna stated.

"She does raise a good point." Discord pointed out.

"Fine. See you there, Princess." Queen Chrysalis said.

"Oh, you will. Just a word of advice; you two should probably dress fancy. Good bye, my old enemies." Luna said, before making her way out of the Mcdonalds.

Boats and ho's without the boats

The sun had just finished setting behind the mountain the city of Canterlot was built into as Spiderman arrived at the palaces front gate. With him were Rarity, Fluttershy, and Lyra, who were all dressed in fancy gowns of varying colors, while our hero was dressed in his Spidey outfit, because he doesn't give a fuck about dressing in fancy attire.

You may be asking yourself why our hero has the mares with him. Well, let's just say our hero doesn't go anywhere without his ho's.

"Bitches and hoes are like new clothes," Spiderman and Fluttershy (you read that right) sang together in perfect harmony, "once you bought em, you wish you never got em."

"Fluttershy, wherever did you hear such a dreadful song?" Rarity asked.

"The zebra's that live in the dirty part of Ponyville listen to it all the time." Fluttershy answered innocently.

"Oh... why yes, of course." Rarity said awkwardly, as they approached the Guard waiting for them at the front gate.

"Halt! What is your business here?" the Guard asked.

"Lawl I dunno." Spiderman responded, earning a strange look from the Guard.

"Listen, I need to know why-"

"God dammit, Guard! Just let them in!" Luna called from the palace.

"Yes ma'am!" he shouted back, before waving the group in. Spiderman and Fluttershy flipped him the bird and the four walked in through the front gates together.

Meanwhile, in the palace, Discord was rolling around on the floor, laughing his ass off. No literally, his ass flew off of his body, and was flying around the room like it had a mind of its own.

"Did you see that?!" Discord demanded from Chrysalis and Luna, who were looking at him strangely, "Fluttershy just flipped off that guard! Fucking priceless!"

While Discord continued to laugh hysterically, Chrysalis and the princess turned to each other.

"I still can't believe we wore the same dress..." Luna mused. Indeed, both the changeling and the alicorn were wearing the same exactly black dress.

"You planned this, didn't you?" Chrysalis asked, glaring at the princess.

"Bitch please!" Luna said, waving off the changeling queen, "you give me WAY too much credit."

"Hay." Spiderman said as he walked into the room with the other mares.

"Eyyyy Spidey." Discord greeted, flashing our hero the double thumbs up. In return, Spiderman extended two middles fingers his way, sending Fluttershy and Discord into hysterics.

Suddenly, Spiderman reached into his non-existent pocket and pulled out a strange device out of it. The device started beeping like crazy.

"Oh shit..." Spiderman muttered.

"What is it?" Lyra asked.

"My faggot detector is off the charts." Spiderman answered, sending everyone in the room (save for Chrysalis, who is a stuck up bitch, and Rarity, who is too 'refined' to laugh over such a crude joke) into hysterics.

As most of the horses in the rooms laughed their flanks off, a horse wearing a chefs hat walked into the room.

"The food is ready." the chef said, before leaving the room as fast as he appeared.

"So, this mobster comes out of no where and just punches me out, while he was singing a song." Spiderman said, causing everyone at the table to laugh, "the lyrics went something like, 'you've been hit by, you've been struck by a smooth criminal.'"

"So what did you do, Spidey?" Discord asked.

"Yes, please do tell." Rarity pleaded. Everyone was interested in our heroes story. Hell, even Chrysalis gave a fuck for once.

"What did I do?" Spiderman asked, "I kicked him in the balls. Then I said, 'here are your options: fuck you, I'm Spiderman!', before throwing him out the window."

"That's a clever one, Spidey. Here are your options: Fuck you, I'm Discord!" Discord said, causing everyone at the table to laugh.

However, our hero wasn't pleased. He was about to tell Discord to kindly fuck off, but he felt a burning sensation in his gut. He immediately knew what was wrong.

"Gotta dash!" Spiderman called out, jumping up on the table and running across it, knocking a bunch of plates onto the floor and into the air, before swinging across the room with his web. Suddenly, the bottom of his Spidey suit ripped open, before hot diarrhea spewed all over the room, luckily not hitting any of the other dinner guests.

The reactions to this were mixed: Rarity fainted out of pure disgust, Lyra sat there with a 'wut' expression on her face, Luna and Chrysalis both gagged and looked away, and Discord and Fluttershy fell out of their chairs, laughing.

Spiderman ran out of the room and around the corner. He leaned against the wall, doubling over from the pain.

"Oh God why did I order the vindaloo curry?" Spiderman asked himself.

Fuck I'm high

Luna yawned as she and Spiderman walked out of the princesses bed chambers and into the dining hall, which was still being cleaned up after Spiderman shat all over it. The head of the palaces janitorial team told the princess that the clean up would be done by the end of the day, but the smell would stay around for weeks.

"Lawl I shouldn't have ate that vindoola curry." Spiderman said as they walked through the shit covered dining hall.

"Yes... it would appear that it has caused the perfect... shitstorm." Luna said, before putting on a pair of sunglasses.

"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!" someone shouted from another room.

"What was that?" Spiderman asked. He may not give a fuck about anything, but he did get curious.

"You do not want to know." Luna responded as the two walked into the kitchen, which was untouched by Spiderman's shitstorm, "let's bake some brownies."

"Pot brownies?" Spiderman asked hopefully.

"No... we do not have cannabis in the palace. But..." Luna began to say as she turned around to face our hero with a mischievous smirk on her face, "I do know a place where we can get some."

It was a hot summer afternoon, so hot that it would like be unbearable for the average pony. But, it wasn't nearly too hot for an athletic pony like Applejack. Applejack trotted up to an apple tree and turned around, before bucking it with all her strength, causing the apples hidden upon its branches to fall out of the tree and land in the buckets below.

She walked away from the tree and overlooked the southern orchard. She had been bucking for the past two hours, and she was already done with today's work. Well, she didn't do all the work. Actually, that was the only tree she bucked. The zebras that "agreed" to work their for their lives handled most of the work.

"Greetings, fair Applejack." someone from behind the orange horse greeted. Applejack turned around and spotted Princess Luna standing there with a tall bi-pedal creature wearing a red and blue spandex suit. How did Applejack know it was spandex, you might ask? Let's just say she has had enough encounters with Princess Celestia to know what spandex looks like.

"Well howdy der Princess," Applejack responded, "who's yer friend?"

"Oh, he's Spiderman. Don't worry, he's cool." Luna promised.

"Hay." Spiderman greeted.

Applejack stared at him strangely for a couple seconds. "Ya sure he ain't wearing a wire?" Applejack asked.

"Yeah... pretty sure..." Luna said awkwardly, before deciding to change the subject, "how's the crop going?"

"Better than ever, princess. In fact, apple production is up seventy two percent!" the orange horse proclaimed proudly.

"Um... Applejack... I don't mean that crop." the princess said in a low whisper. Luna knew damn well that the local police department had been investigating the Apple family for years, as Celestia knew of their cannabis crop. Sadly, they never found any proof, but they still watch the farm. The investigation would soon come to an end, as Luna was making plans to legalize marijuana, since the only reason it was made illegal because Celestia hated the smell of marijuana, much to Luna's dismay.

"Oh, you mean our... 'special' apples, right?" Applejack asked in a low whisper.

"That's right... we want some of the famous Apple family 'special brownies'." Luna whispered.

The orange horse looked around shiftily. "Ya'll sure neither of ya'll are wearing a wire?" she asked.

"Yes, I'm fucking sure we aren't wearing a wire." Luna said, facehoofing.

"Aight, I believe ya. I'll whip up a batch our best 'special brownies'. Just follow me to the Apple family homestead."

"Holy fuck I am high..." Spiderman said as he, Applejack, and Luna sat on top of a skyscraper in Manehatton. For some reason, Luna decided to teleport them there not even half an hour after the trio ingested the pot brownies Applejack had baked for them. The brownies had some strong shit in them. Hell, our hero swore he saw a car flying by.

"This is some good shit, Applejack." Luna commented, stuffing another pot brownie in her mouth.

"Only da best for ya... Princess..." Applejack responded, "fuck I'm high, let's bake some apples."

"We already did." Luna pointed out, snickering.

"Oh yeah. Celestia damn I'm high as fuck." Applejack said, snickering along with the princess.

A day in the city

Our hero smiled to himself as he swung among the rooftops of Manehattan. It was just like the skyscrapers back home.

"Spiderman!" Luna called to our hero as she flew beside him, carrying Applejack on her back.

"Lawl yeah?!" he responded.

"What are you swinging from?!" the princess asked.

Spiderman looked up and noticed his webs were just shooting into thin air. "Lawl I don't know." he responded.

"Dude, Ah'm fucking starving!" Applejack shouted.

"You got the munchies, dear Applejack?" Luna asked.

"Yeah. Ah got the fuckin munchies." Applejack responded.

"Let's get some Mcdonalds lawl." our hero suggested.

Discord sighed deeply as he turned Ponyville's water supply into chocolate milk, hoping it would piss someone off.

The loud cheer from the town arose from the nearby town, completely shutting down the embodiment of chaos' hopes and dreams.

"Are my eyes deceiving me? You don't have your stupid grin on your face? My Blarg, it must be some miracle." Chrysalis mused, smirking at the draconequus. However, her attempt to get a rise out of him failed epically.

"Meh." Discord said, facing away from the changeling.

The former queen rolled her eyes as a green flame surrounded her. The flames subsided, revealing a perfect clone of the Element of Honesty, Applejack. "What's da matter sugarcube?" 'Applejack' asked.

Discord turned towards the doppelganger with a small smile on his face. "Its..." he began, but he decided to hold his tongue in the end.

'Applejack' giggled slightly as she was once more surrounded by green flames. When the flames subsided, the Applejack clone was replaced by a clone of Twilight Sparkle. "Oh Discord, you don't have to hide your feelings from me." 'Twilight' said, lying beside the embodiment of chaos.

Yet another heavy sigh escaped Discords lips. "For the first time ever... I think I'm bored of causing chaos." Discord said.

"What?" 'Twilight' asked, before she morphed back into Queen Chrysalis.

"I'm bored of causing chaos." Discord repeated, "ever since Celestia was overthrown, and Luna accepted us with open hooves, I haven't been able to get anypony to react to any of my pranks. Hell, they actually embrace it! They're loving my chaos."

"But I thought you would enjoy the ponies of Equestria loving your chaos." Chrysalis said.

"No! I crave the negative reactions! But now... nopony is reacting. There is literally no point in my existence now." Discord said, pouting.

Discords eyes shot open as she felt something wrap around his waste. He glanced down to spot a pair of black hole filled legs wrapped around his waste. The draconequus couldn't believe his eyes. The literal definition of heartless bitch was HUGGING him. It was rather touching.

"There is more to life than chaos, Discord." Chrysalis said, her cheeks turning a bright pink as she pulled away from him, "I didn't give up on my life when my throne was stolen from me. I moved on, trying to live life as best I could. Did it turn out good. Hell no! I have been miserable for the past three months. I was lonely, and hungry, and tired. But I didn't give up, and I am proud of that."

"I see..." Discord said.

"Discord, I must admit, I really hate to see you in this state. I wish to help you, because you have helped me." Chrysalis said.

"How did I help you?" Discord asked with a raised eyebrow.

The changeling queen sighed. "Let's just say, I was rather close to death when you contacted me. If it wasn't for you, I would be dead right now." she admitted.

Discord remained silent. He merely stared at her with a blank expression on his face.

But the former queen didn't feel like waiting around for him to talk. "We need to help each other find new purposes in life, as you no longer enjoy causing chaos, and I no longer enjoy feeding off the love of unsuspecting ponies. What do you say?" she asked in surprisingly eager tone.

A small smile spread across the draconequus lips. "I think... I think I can agree to that."

The queen beamed, making a cute squeaking noise somehow as she hugged Discord as tightly as possible.

"HAH! GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!" Spiderman shouted a couple of meterosexual's walking out of Mcdonalds.

"What are you doing, Spiderman?" Princess Luna asked.

"Lawl I dunno. Let's get some fucking burgers." Spiderman said as he and the two mare accompanying him walked into the Mcdonalds.

This chapter makes me moist

“So what are we gonna do?” Discord asked, as he and Chrysalis hovered high above Ponyville, dropping water balloons on the towns inhabitants. Chrysalis honestly hated taking part in such immature activities, but she wanted Discord to feel better. Besides, she loved causing the ponies misery and suffering.

“Oh shit, I'm fucking wet!” someone, who sounded like Fluttershy, but Chrysalis couldn't be sure, called out angrily as a water balloon hit home. This sent Discord into hysterics, much like his old self.

“I don't know. Perhaps it's just that these ponies are used to your chaos. Maybe we should go somewhere else.” Chrysalis suggested, using her telekinesis to drop three more water balloons. The balloons dropped at terminal speed, exploding violently as they hit the ground, sending ponies scattering.

“Ah! What an excellent idea, my dear queen.” Discord complemented, before teleporting in front of her and taking her in his arms, hugging her tightly like she was a teddy bear, “I know the perfect place where we could go!”

“Where?” she asked weakly, barely holding back a screech of pain, as Discords hug was crushing her ribcage.

“Shhhh! It's a surprise. Close your eyes, dear!” Discord instructed. The changeling rolled her eyes before closing her eyelids shut.

After a few seconds, Discord instructed her to open her eyes. Her eyelids fluttered open, and she found herself hovering a clustered group of hundreds of skyscrapers, apartment buildings, and other buildings.

“Where are we?” Chrysalis asked, managing to squirm her way out of Discords grasp.

“Where are you, you ask? Why we are in Manehattan, of course!” Discord proclaimed.

Spiderman fled the Mcdonalds, fearing that the mob would be after him for striking down the cashier for asking him, “WOULD YOU LIKE FRIES WITH THAT, BITCH?!” But our hero was sure that even the mob that owned the Mcdonalds would agree their fries taste like absolute shit.

“Why the fuck did you do that?!” Princess Luna demanded as she and Applejack galloped after Spiderman.

“Lawl I dunno!” Spiderman shouted back, and he extended his arm out and shot a stream of web out of it. The web shot across the street and attached to a nearby apartment building, allowing the Spiderman to swing across the street and up into the air. He detached from his web and shot into the sky, landing on top of the apartment building. Seconds later, Luna landed beside him, with Applejack lying on her back.

"What do ya think ya are doin, Spidey?!" Applejack demanded as she hopped down from Luna's back, "ya can't just goin around hittin ponies like that!"

"Nigga, you can't tell me what to do. I'm Spiderman!" Spiderman retorted.

"Oh yeah, well-"

"Hold up!" Spiderman called out, "my spidey senses are tingling." Seconds after saying this, Spiderman rushed over to the edge of the building and looked over the edge. In the alley, there was what our hero guessed was a teenaged female horse surrounded by a group of rough looking stallions dressed in black.

Our hero glanced to his right and noticed Applejack looking down as well.

"Do you see this shit, Applejack?" Spiderman asked.

"Eeyup." Applejack responded with a disgusted scowl.

"We must do something!" Luna proclaimed.

"Ya'll don't say?!" Applejack stated sarcastically, earning a glare from the princess.

"...alright, here's the plan. We-"

"Alright guys, let's do this! Leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeroooooooooooooooooooooy Jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeenkiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiins!" Spiderman bellowed at the top of his lungs as he jumped off the top of his roof.

"Oh mah Celestia he just jumped in." Applejack stated.

"STICK TO THE PLAN! STICK TO THE PLAN!" Luna shouted down at Spiderman. Before Luna could say anything, Applejack jumped onto Luna's back.

"Go!" Applejack bellowed. Luna nodded and jumped off the roof, gliding down after Spiderman.

"Celestia dammit Spiderman... Celestia dammit! Spiderman, you are so stupid!" Luna shouted as they fell down towards the ground together.

"At least I got the chicken lawl." Spiderman said, as they landed in front of the rough looking horses approaching the lone teenager.

"Hay."

More humans?! Are you fucking kidding me?!

The rough looking horses glanced at each other, then glanced back at the rather random trio. The sudden appearance of their nations leader was stunning enough, but the Element of Honesty as well as a tall, bi-pedal creature with red and blue skin? It left the horses in an utter state of confusion.

"I'm bout to buck ya'll up something fierce!" Applejack growled at them, her strong leg muscles bulging as she prepared to fight. The Princess began charging up a magic missile, while Spiderman got in a weird karate pose.

"I'm Jackie Chan lawl!" our hero exclaimed.

"LEAVE! NOW!" the princess bellowed, utilizing her Royal Canterlot Voice™ to its full effect. She hoped that it would scare off these ruffians, so she and her companions wouldn't have to beat them into submission.

Luckily, the ruffians got the message and scattered, leaving the trio and a visibly shaken mare. While Princess Luna took care of the mare, Applejack turned towards our hero. "Who's Jackie Chan?" she asked.

"Lawl I dunno." Spiderman said with a shrug, pulling off his mask and biting into a burger he snatched on his way out of the McDonalds. Luckily, it wasn't shitty tofu.

"Well, what now?" Applejack asked, as Princess Luna rejoined them.

Our hero scratched his chin. "Princess, may I ask a favor of you?" he asked.

"Sure. Why not?" Princess Luna asked. Spiderman smiled as he finished off his burger, tossed aside its wrapper, and placed his mask back over his head.

Discord and Chrysalis walked into their brand new high scale penthouse, which they had recently bought for 15,000 bits (the equivalent 150,000 American dollars). The owner of the building was a little suspicious of the former villains at first, but after a little water boarding, he agreed to let them stay.

"Did you see that colt squirm?" Chrysalis said, cackling evilly.

"Yes. It was quite... satisfying." Discord said, "sometimes, I miss being evil."

Chrysalis nodded and examined the bare living room. "We could use some furniture." she said.

"Already ahead of you, my queen." Discord said, snapping his fingers. The moment he snapped his fingers, the entire living room became fully furnished.

Only...

"Discord... mind explaining why you put all the furniture on the ceiling?" the former queen asked.

"Oh, you know, I just love a little... chaos." Discord said, floating up to one of the couches attached to the ceiling and lying down on it, despite the fact it completely broke the laws of physics.

"Discord?" Chrysalis asked.

"Yeah?"

"You had one job. You had one job... ONE JOB! And you fucked it up. Why?" Chrysalis asked, glaring at the draconequus.

"Because, my dear Chrysalis, fucking up is chaotic. Don't you agree?" Discord asked.

The Changeling rolled her eyes and grinned at him seductively. "Please Discord, put the furniture where it belongs. I'll do anything..."

Discord scratched his chin thoughtfully. "Anything, you say?" he asked.

"Mhmm." she responded with a sly smile.

The Scout sprinted across the rooftop and leaped through the air, landing effortlessly on another rooftop before continuing to sprint away, cradling the RED Teams intelligence in his arms. He glanced over his shoulder and noticed a RED Sniper pointing his rifle directly at him.

“Gotchya you wanker!” the Sniper shouted, before his sniper rifle discharged. The scout closed his eyes, waiting for his imminent death. Sure, he would come back to life in a few seconds, but being dead sucked.

However, death never came. The Scout opened his eyes to find a shield made of badly animated webs in front of him.

“Hay.” a familiar voice said from behind him. The Scout turned around and spotted 60's Era Spiderman standing there, with a purple portal swirling behind him.

“Yo Spidey!” the Scout greeted, before slapping the superhero some skin, “how's the only RED I'll ever tolerate doing today?”

“Oh, you know, just hanging.” Spiderman said with a casual shrug, “hey man, I got some ho's on the other end of this portal looking for some fun. You want in?”

The Scout glanced down at the briefcase he was cradling in his arms, before looking over the edge of the roof he and our hero were standing on. There sat a BLU Engineer, casually watching as his sentries ripped apart any RED that dared step in front of them.

“Yo! Heads up!” the Scout shouted to him, before dropping the RED intelligence down from the roof, narrowly missing the Engineers head. The Engineer appeared surprised at first as he looked up and spotted the Scout.

The Engineer smiled. “Thank ya kindly partner!” he shouted up to the Scout, picking up the RED intelligence and running off with it.

The Scout turned back to our hero. “Alright, let's go.” he said.

“Lawl k.” our hero said, as he and the Scout jumped through the portal.

“Oh! My chaos senses are tingling!” Discord announced as he and Chrysalis jumped up and down in a giant bounce castle that the embodiment of chaos put on top of the building they were staying in.

“What does that mean?” Chrysalis asked.

“It means something chaotic was just introduced into this world." Discord answered, before doing a backflip and climbing out of the bounce castle. "Come on, let's go get some dinner. I'm starved."

Chrysalis smiled. "I couldn't agree more." she said.

This is me... not givin' a fuck

[Authors Note - Sorry about the late chapter. I went on leave and spent a few days doing research in a mental asylum, as I have a new idea for a story.]

The BLU Scout shook his head rapidly as he and our hero stepped out of the portal.

“Ah! God damn!” the Scout exclaimed, falling to his knees and pressing his palms against the side of his head as he screamed out in pain, “God damn, that hurts!”

“Lawl you'll live.” Spiderman said.

The Scout opened his eyes and looked up at the two horses standing over him. “Yo, are these our rides?” the Scout asked.

“Ah beg yer pardon?” Applejack asked, glaring at the scrawny Bostonian. Luna blushed heavily, while Spiderman fell back, laughing his ass off.

“Woah! Talking horses! Fuckin sweet, man.” the Scout exclaimed.

“Who are you calling a horse!?” Luna demanded.

“But you are a horse.” Spiderman pointed out.

“How dare ya call the princess a horse! Who do ya think ya are?!” Applejack demanded, pushing our hero back.

“I'm Spiderman. Fuck you." Spiderman said, flipping the cowpony the bird.

Applejack jumped forward and attempted to pounce on our hero, but found herself stopped midair, surrounded by a dark blue aura.

"Dear Applejack, is that really how you should treat a friend for speaking his mind? Remember, Equestria is now a free nation, as we no longer have to deal with Celestia's tyrannical rule."

"Merica'!" the Scout chirped

"That's what's up." Spiderman said.

"Now, how about we ditch the city, and head back to Ponyville?" Luna suggested.

"Lawl k." Spiderman said, shrugging. Upon hearing this, Luna summoned a portal and ran through it, immediately followed the our hero, the Scout, and Applejack.

"Have you ever experienced the feeling of too much chaos in the world, my queen?" Discord asked, as he and the former changeling queen sat in a fancy cafe across the street from their penthouse.

"No, I can't say I have. In fact, I don't think anyone has. You're the only one here who can detect levels of chaos, you dumbass." Chrysalis hissed, before taking a large bite out of her club sandwich.

Discord rolled his eyes at the young Changeling. No, I'm not joking. The fucking Embodiment of Chaos just rolled his eyes at Chrysalis. The world must really be in chaos right now. "Well, it's like the equivalent of having a really bad headache."

"Oh? Do you think sex could cure it like a real headache?" Chrysalis asked, doing her best bedroom eyes.

"...to quote my dear friend Spiderman... I like where this is going." Discord said.

“Woah man, check out that horse!” the Scout exclaimed, pointing at a Pegasus with a rainbow mane flying around in the air.

“Pony.” Luna corrected.

“Whatever.” the Scout said, waving off the princess, which really rustled the Lunar Princesses jimmies.

“Think she's a lesbian? Not like I give a fuck.” Spiderman asked.

“Nah, Rainbow ain't a lesbian. Trust me, Ah've tried to get with er'.” Applejack stated, her cheeks turning a light shade of pink.

“Dat's hot.” our hero commented.

“I wanna find out.” the Scout said, before turning his attention back to this 'Rainbow', “Yo Skittles!”

“Who are ya callin Skittles?!” Rainbow demanded, looking down and spotting a strange, scrawny bi-pedal creature standing there, looking up at her.

“I am! You got a problem with that?!” the Scout asked. This really rustled the rainbow ponies jimmies.

“Yeah I got a problem with that!” Rainbow shouted angrily, diving down towards the scout and stopping inches from his face, before shoving her snout against his nose, “you want to fight about it?!”

The Scout simply laughed. “I don't even know where to start with you! Do you even know who you are talkin' to?” he asked.

"Wha-"

"D-do you have any idea- ANY idea who I am?" the Scout asked.

“No, I-”

"Basically,kind of a big deal.” the Scout stated nonchalantly, “and buddy... I hurt people. I'm like a force of nature, and you if you were where I was from, you'd be dead.”

The Pegasus continued hovering in front of the BLU, glaring daggers at him. Suddenly, her features lightened and she landed in front of the Scout. “You're pretty chill, dude.” she said,

“You too, Skittles. Yo, I got a question for ya.” the Scout stated, extended a clenched fist out to the pony. After a few seconds, the pony got the gist of what he wanted and bumped her hoof into his fist. Yes, this is the first brohoof/brofist between a human and a pony ever in history.

“Alright, shoot.” Rainbow said.

“Um... do you taste like rainbow?” the Scout asked her.

“What?” she asked, looking around suspiciously before leaning in to whisper in the Scout's ear, “did Applejack put you up to this?”

“No, I just wanna taste the rainbow. You know, like in the freakin commercials.” the Scout said in an innocent voice.

“TASTE THE RAINBOW.” a deep voice rumbled in the distance.

While the Scout and Rainbow talked, our hero managed to sneak away from the ponies and his friends and made his way to Fluttershy's cottage.

"Lawl takin' back my story." Spiderman said, creeping his way up the dirt road leading to Fluttershy's cottage.

“Time for num nums, Angel.” Fluttershy said, timidly scooting a bowl of assorted fruits and vegetables in front of the snow white rabbit. He glared at the yellow Pegasus, the glanced down at the food, and then stick his tongue out, pushing the meal away as his face turned an unnatural shade of green.

“Oh..., please eat it Angel. Please? For me?” Fluttershy pleaded, her eyes glistening with tears. However, the little asshole slapped her across the face and kicked the bowl over, spilling the assorted vegetables and fruits all over the floor.

Then, Fluttershy's eye twitched. She stomped her hoof on the floor hard enough to make the ground shake as she looked down at the little snow white rabbit with an angry glare. “Alright, you little shit. You don't want to eat the food I slave over to cook for you? Then you need to get the fuck out of my house. Right now, you little asshole!”

Angel stood there with a face that expressed that he pretty much didn't give a fuck as he promptly flipped the butter yellow Pegasus the finger.

In response, Fluttershy ran past the bunny and opened the door, before running back in front of the bunny and picked up a bright orange combat shotgun that was leaning up against the wall, before aiming it at Angel. “You want to play that way? OKAY! Say hello to my little friend!” she exclaimed, cocking the shotgun and pulling back the trigger. The shotgun discharged, and a beanbag round shot out right at the rabbit, hitting him square in the head and sending him flying out of the cottage. He continued to fly, before crashing into the ground beside our hero, Spiderman.

“Lawl he dead.” Spiderman mused, as kicking the bunnies corpse aside and making his way up to Fluttershy's cottage. Fluttershy sat on her couch, loading a fresh beanbag round into her shotgun.

“Hay.” Spiderman greeted.

“Oh!” Fluttershy squeaked, before leaning her beanbag shotgun up against the couch, “well hello, Spiderman.”

“He dead lawl.” Spiderman stated, taking a seat beside the butter yellow Pegasus.

“Oh, I know... lawl...” Fluttershy said with a timid smile

“He was a little asshole.” our hero said.

“Um... no shit Sherclop.” he said, as she lay her head on our heroes lap, sighing contently.

“I like where this is going.” Spiderman said.

“Me too.” Fluttershy stated.

“That's what's up.”

The Infamous Fuck

Spiderman sat on Fluttershy's couch, with the butter yellow pegasus that our hero has become so fond of lying in his lap. The only thing bad about the moment was the fact that the couch, like the rest of the house, was covered in bird shit and rabbit droppings. It also smelt of fermented piss and moldy cheese. The fact the now tainted pegasus could live in this shithole was beyond our hero.

"Fluttershy?" our hero asked.

"Yes...?" she responded, glancing up at him.

"I have something for you." Spiderman said. Fluttershy smiled and sat up as our hero started to dig through his Spidey suits non-existent pockets. Finally, he pulled something out and placed it on the coffee table in front of them.

"Old Spice?" she asked, confused.

"Oh lawl, that's not it." our hero said, as he continued his search. Finally, he found what he was looking for. He pulled it out of his pocket and presented it to the butter yellow pegasus.

"I found exactly one fuck," Spiderman said, holding out the shimmering, star shaped object to Fluttershy, "it is my gift to you."

Fluttershy gasped, her cheeks turning a deep shade of crimson. She knew damn well that what our hero just did was like the equivalent of a stallion asking a mare to marry him.

"Oh... my..." Fluttershy squeaked.

"And then, all the readers thought that Chrysalis and Discord banged! But in reality, they have not banged at all! At least, not yet!" Pinkie Pie exclaimed to Twilight, who glared at her pink friend with the intensity of a thousand suns.

"Pinkie, I honestly-"

"Then, Spidey goes to another DIMENSION and picks up his buddy, the Scout!" Pinkie went on, ignoring Twilight.

"Pinkie?" Twilight asked.

"Yes?" Pinkie Pie responded.

"What are you doing?"

"Explaining this fanfiction to you."

"Pinkie?"

"Yes Twilight?"

"Stop."

"Okay." Pinkie Pie said, deflating for a second, before returning to her old, joyous self. "Hey Twilight, Applejack sent me some of her 'special' brownies yesterday. You want some?"

Twilight watched with a disgusted look as the pink party pony reached into her vagina (you read that right), dug around in it for a few seconds, then pulled out a small bag containing a dozen or so brownies.

"Umm..." Twilight said, barely holding back her vomit, "no thanks."

"Okay!" Pinkie Pie chirped happily as she opened her mouth wide enough to make Issac Neuton have a fit, before emptying the bag of pot brownies that probably smelt heavily of Pinkie Pie's stinky cunt into her mouth.

It was at the moment, Twilight emptied the contents of her stomach on the floor.

"wut," said everyone who just finished reading that part.

"Woooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaah! Another human!" Lyra exclaimed upon spotting Rainbow Dash and the Scout hanging out in the town center, who were casually sitting back and talking over a couple of bottles of Dos Equis. Dos Equis, officially sponsored by the Wonderbolts and BLU Team.

"Yo wassup?" the Scout asked as the mint green unicorn approached him and his companion with the rainbow mane.

"When did you get here?" Lyra asked, taking a seat beside the two blue individuals.

"Earlier today. Spidey brought me." the Scout said, "Yo, do you know if Skittles here tastes like rainbow?"

"Oh! That's my cue." Chuck Norris said, still watching the chaos Spiderman was creating in Ponyville. He took a deep breath and shouted, "TASTE THE RAINBOW," at the top of his lungs. His voice was so powerful, it caused earthquakes and avalanches. Hell, it actually caused a fucking mountain to crumble.

All thanks to the power of Old Spice Odor Blocker.

"Um... like rainbow?" Lyra asked, confused by what the Scout was trying to get at.

"You know, like skittles. The candy?" the Scout pointed out.

"Umm... what are skittles?" Rainbow Dash asked.

The BLU Scout remained silent for a few moments, staring blankly at the two ponies. "Wait... are you telling me you guys don't have skittles here?" he asked.

The two ponies shook their heads no.

"Unfreakinbelievable!" the Scout exclaimed in shock.

Time to drink my own piss

Shortly after le sexy time...

For the first time ever in history, Spiderman did not flee the house of some floozy who agreed to let him bang her, and in one occasion not to ever be spoken of, him. For this time, Spiderman actually gave a fuck about the female he gave a fuck to (if you catch my drift).

Of course, the overwhelming stench of animal shit and fermenting piss made our hero want to flee the cottage of his beloved, but he couldn't find himself able to. His feelings for Fluttershy were too powerful to-

"Lawl fuck that." Spiderman said, climbing out of Fluttershy's bed.

But-

"Fuck you, narrator." our hero said, flipping the narrator the bird before jumping out the window.

All the while, Fluttershy sat up in her bed, confused by what just unfolded.

"Um... what the fuck?" she asked no one in particular as she climbed out of her bed and walked into her bathroom. After fixing up her hair and taking a pregnancy test (the thing she pissed on was strangely shaped like Bear Grylls head), she climbed down the steps and made her way out the door, where our hero was waiting.

"Hay." Spiderman greeted.

"Oh... um... hey." Fluttershy responded with squee. Spiderman wasn't really sure how she made that noise for just smiling, but our hero honestly didn't give a fuck.

"So what now?" our hero asked.

"Um..." Fluttershy began as she thought about what to say, "we should... um... *mutter* *mutter*."

"Lolwut?" our hero asked.

"We should... um... rob a bank." Fluttershy said with yet another squee.

"I like where this is going." Spiderman commented, as the butter yellow pegasus pulled an AK-47 seemingly out of no where and handed it to our hero. She then pulled out an identical AK out of her anal cavities (it smelt like horse shit) and slammed a magazine into it.

"Let's do this." Fluttershy said.

"I still can't believe everyone thinks we're having sex." Discord commented, as he poked a finger through one of the many holes in Chrysalis's leg.

"Well... you are technically fingerbanging me." Chrysalis pointed out, her cheeks a deep crimson as she bit down on her bottom lip.

"No... I'm sticking a finger your thing." Discord said, rolling his eyes at her ignorance.

"Well, actually Discord, in my culture, doing something like this is fingerbanging." Chrysalis said, "our holes are actually... very sensitive."

"Yeah well- wait... then who are the ones typically fingerbanging you in your society?" Discord asked, glancing down at the former Queen's hooves.

"Well, Discord, allow me to give you a bit of a history lesson." Chrysalis began, "After your imprisonment, Celestia decided that the rest of your species, despite their peaceful nature, were also dangerous. So she went to war with your entire species, sending her soldiers all over the globe to kill off your species. After witnessing this, my mother, who was the Queen before me, decided to step in and try to stop Celestia's genocide. Sadly, our drones were no match for her elite Solar Infantry, and she then decided to try to wipe out the changelings as well."

A single tear ran down Chrysalis's cheek. "I was merely ten years old when my mother was slaughtered without mercy by a team of Solar Commandos. I was made queen shortly after that. I held such anger, such hate for ponykind in general, and wanted nothing more to hunt down Celestia and cut her throat open, but my mother would have wanted me to continue her efforts to save her species."

"So I decided that to save both of our species, we had to gather together and go underground, where Celestia's Solar Infantry would hold no power. Not soon after, our cultures began to combine with each other, and interspecies relations began to pop up. And at some point, my younger sister, Princess Syphilis, fell in love with a young draconequus, who was named Disco. So, one night, he decided that it might be interesting to try fingerbanging the holes in her hooves. Apparently, it was a very... pleasurable experience for my sister, and word of the act spread quickly. And now, a draconequus fingerbanging his changeling lover is a very normal thing for a couple to do."

"Oh. Well I see." Discord said, still moving his finger around inside of the hole. Suddenly, the disembodiment of chaos's eyes lit up with realization.

"Did you say Disco?" Discord asked excitedly.

"Yeah. Why?" Chrysalis asked, doing her best not to moan.

A wide, toothy grin spread across Discord's face. "Disco is my cousin. He, not unlike myself, is a very powerful draconequus."

"Oh? Well, you are the mortal representation of chaos. What is Disco the representation of?" Chrysalis asked, confused by the sudden change in events.

"Disco is what my species know as the Element of Funk. God damn, did that guy know how to dance. The fact that he chose your sister over the many hot females of our species is beyond me." Discord explained, scratching his beard.

Chrysalis felt offended by this, and was about to defend her sister's honor when Discord suddenly inched closer to her and looked closely at her face, examining it like a detective would examine a clue. "Actually... if your sister looks anything like you do, I could see why he chose her over our females."

"Oh... um... well, thank you for the compliment." Chrysalis said, her lips pursed into a small smile.

"It isn't a problem. Now, I must ask, what happened to them?" Discord inquired.

The former Changeling queen scratched her chin with one of her hole filled hooves. "They moved to Equestria shortly after Luna returned and convinced Celestia to end her genocidal efforts. I believe they now own a very successful club called 'Studio 69' here in Manehattan." Chrysalis answered.

"Hey Chryalis?" Discord inquired, pulling his finger out of her hole, much to her dismay.

"What?" she asked, annoyed that her pleasure had been brought to an end.

"Want to go to the disco?" he asked.

Fuck, I'm running out of chapter names

"So what are skittles, anyways?" Rainbow Dash asked the BLU Scout, who was still in shock over the fact that the world he was stuck on lacked his favorite candy.

"They're like M&M's, only fruit flavored instead of chocolate. They also are covered with a thin, but hard sugar layer with the letter S on it. They're freakin awesome, man." the Scout explained.

"Sounds good." Lyra commented as she licked her lips.

"Alright... I just have one more question." said the pegasus with the rainbow mane.

"And that is?" the scout inquired.

"What are M&M's?" Rainbow Dash asked.

The BLU Scout facepalmed and groaned in frustration. "This is going to be a long day." he muttered.

The doors of the First National Bank of Canterlot burst open as Fluttershy and our hero charged into the room, equipped with AK-47's. The ponies inside the bank all looked at the couple in shock.

"Put your hooves up in the air!" Fluttershy shouted at the rich snooty ponies as she fired a volley of 7.62's into the air, "I mean... if you're alright with that."

Some of the rich snooty ponies started laughing at the pathetic excuse for a bank robber. In response, Fluttershy trained her AK on the rich assholes and unloaded her magazine on them.

"Fucking rich assholes..." Fluttershy spat, glaring at the other rich ponies, who were now cowering in fear, staring in shock at the corpses of their fellow upperclasspones and the Element of Kindness.

Suddenly, a white pony with an erection sticking out of its long golden mane stood up and started walking up to the yellow pony. "You wouldn't dare shoot a prince. You would be hunted to down and hung."

Fluttershy smiled, as she stared down the prince she recognized as Prince Blueblood. "You're wrong. For one, everypony hates you. And two..."

Fluttershy pulled back the trigger, putting a 7.62 in the prince's head. "I would shoot you either way." she said, before turning her AK on the other rich ponies and unloading on them, killing each and every one of them in seconds.

Not giving a fuck about Fluttershy obviously having a raging hard on for randomly killing ponies, Spiderman waltzed his way over to the closest teller and pointed his AK at her, eliciting a blood curdling scream from her.

"Lawl hi." Spiderman greeted.

"H-hi." the teller responded shakily.

"The money." our hero ordered simply.

"O-okay..." the teller said, before pressing the silent alarm and walking over the vault. Spiderman followed her closely, watching as she entered in the password (it was '1234') and opened the vault.

"Thanks, I guess lawl." Spiderman said, before bringing the butt of his AK down on the head of the mare, knocking her out cold.

As Discord and Chrysalis stepped through the entrance of Studio 69, their eardrums were assaulted by a remix of Blondie's 'Rapture' playing at full blast. It was loud enough to almost make the couple's eardrums rupture.

"Holy shit, that's loud!" Chrysalis exclaimed in shock. Discord merely rolled his eyes and waved the former Changeling queen to follow him.

Chrysalis shrugged her wings and followed the draconequus, who was making his way towards a door that was labelled 'management.'

There stood a large, muscular stallion with a handlebar mustache and a swastika tattooed on his arm. "What the fuck do you want?" he asked in a macho voice.

"I'm looking for my brother Disco." Discord said.

The bouncer glared at the disembodiment of chaos. "I ain't ever heard of no brother. Get the fuck out of here." he said, shoving away the draconequus. Before the bouncer and Discord could even blink, Chrysalis rushed forward and shoved the bouncer against the door, putting a combat knife up against his throat.

"Do that again! I dare you!" Chrysalis hissed as she watched the blade start to dig into the stallion's throat, "I'll spill your blood on the dance floor if you touch him one more time!"

"Alright, alright, calm down girl!" the bouncer exclaimed.

"Now you're going to go up there and fetch his brother for him! You got it, you little bitch?!" the Changeling demanded, glaring daggers into the stallion's soul, before dropping him on the ground. The stallion scrambled to his hooves and ran through the door he was standing guard in front of.

A few minutes later, the door opened to reveal a draconequus dressed in a white tuxedo. He also had a jewel encrusted cane, a white top hat, and funky rainbow colored glasses.

"Discord, cousin! Where have you been?!" he asked in a heavily accented voice that sounded strangely like Roman from Grand Theft Auto IV, "It's been centuries!"

"I was imprisoned by Celestia, remember cousin?" Discord asked.

"Oh yes. And I see you are with the Queen! Ha! I guess we really are going to be banging sisters together, like we always talked about all those years ago, eh cousin?!" Disco asked, slugging his cousin in the shoulder.

Discord glanced over at Chrysalis, who's cheeks were now a deep shade of crimson.

"I think these sisters are a bit above group sex, Disco." Discord pointed out.

"Oh. That is a shame." Disco said, shaking his head before opened the door all the way and waving the two former villains through the door, "come in! Join me and my dear Syphilis for a drink."

"I'm down." Discord said with a shrug, as he and Chrysalis pushed their way past the Element of Disco.

Discord, cousin, let's go bowling!

[Short chapter, because fuck you guys. I don't give a fuck. Lawl.]

The loud blaring music instantly dampened as Disco closed the door behind him, though the music's beat was still hearable.

"Princess, we got guests!" Disco shouted upstairs as he, Discord, and Chrysalis made there way up the stairs.

"Who is it?!" a feminine voice shouted back from up the stairs.

"It's a surprise, my pretty little flower!" Disco shouted back.

"Pretty little flower?" Discord asked with a smirk.

"We all have pet names for our lover, cousin. I remember your pet name for that Eris chick. Very cheesy, much cheesier than 'my pretty little flower'."

A goofy grin spread across Discord's face. "Let's not go into the past in front of current company." he said, motioning to the former queen that was behind them.

A hearty laugh escaped Disco's lips. "Suit yourself, cousin!"

As the trio finished climbing the surprisingly tall stairwell, they turned the corner and walked into Disco's pad, a well funished room that overlooked the entire club, complete with a bar, high quality leather furniture, multiple trippy paintings, and a queen sized bed. Sitting at the bar was a Changeling much like Queen Chrysalis, but slightly smaller and light blue mane color.

"So who is it, darlin- Chrysalis?!" the princess exclaimed in shock upon spotting her older sister. Chrysalis soon found herself tackled to the floor by her younger sister, who was sporting a shit eating grin as she looked down at her.

"In the words of my friend Spiderman... I like where this is going." Discord said, earning a glare from Chrysalis and confused glances from Disco and Syphilis.

"Who's Spiderman?" Princess Syphilis asked.

"You have friends?" inquired Disco.

Discord ignored Disco's question and opted to answer the princesses's question. "Spiderman is a human with spider powers, who-"

"Hold on? Spider powers?" the Changeling princess asked.

"Yes. Spider powers." Discord answered.

"That's fucking stupid." Syphilis said.

"That's what I said." commented Chrysalis.

"Tell me something I don't know, princess." Discord said with a roll of his eyes, "anyways, Spiderman is pretty much causing more chaos than I ever had, but in a more subtle manner."

"How so?" Disco asked, now intrigued by this 'Spiderman'.

"Are you familiar with the Element of Kindness, cousin?" asked Discord.

"Of course. As the Element of Funk, I must be familiar with all the other elements. All two hundred and sixty nine of them." Disco said.

"Then you are aware of how much of a timid pussy the Element of Kindness is, right?" Discord inquired.

"Who isn't?" sneered Chrysalis.

Disco ignored her. "Yeah, I'm aware of how much of a fuckin pussy she is. Where are you going with this, cousin?" he asked.

"In one day, Spiderman's mere presence around her turned her from the timid pussy we know her as into a vulgar, outgoing party maniac, who doesn't give a fuck about anything. I witnessed her singing a song about bitches, hoes, and clothes, and flipping off a Royal Guard. He literally changes a ponies personality, and as far as I can tell, it's permanent."

"That's pretty legit." Syphilis commented.

"It is." Discord agreed, "now, how about that drink?"

Meanwhile, Chuck Norris sat upon his golden throne up in heaven, watching the Chappelle Show.

"Fuck yo coach, nigga, fuck yo coach!" exclaimed Rick James as he jumped up and down on a couch, ruining it with his dirty shoes.

"Man... black people are so funny..." Chuck Norris commented.

"I got the money lawl!" Spiderman called out to Fluttershy as he walked out of the vault, a duffel bag filled with golden bits stapped over his back.

"...yay..." Fluttershy cheered, as she put a bullet into the final snooty rich pony, who was just insulting Fluttershy's choice of ski mask only seconds ago.

Literally, all of these snooty rich ponies died because they don't know a thing about self-moderation. They can't keep their fucking snooty mouths shut.

"Lawl they all dead." commented Spiderman as he and Fluttershy made their way out of the bank...

...only to get tackled by four Royal Guards, beaten to a pulp, pepper sprayed, and tased repeatedly.

And Spiderman didn't give a single fuck.

Meanwhile, Gaston's dick gave out after popping five viagras.

It wasn't my idea!

Our hero awoke to find himself in a cold, dirty cell, accompanied by a beaten and battered Fluttershy, who was sniveling in the corner, curled up a ball.

Spiderman would say it was cute, but quite honestly, he didn't give much of a fuck what was cute and what wasn't.

"Nobody knows the trouble I've seen," Spiderman sang in an unusually deep voice, which got Fluttershy's attention, causing her the peak her head up and look at our hero, "Nobody knows but Jesus..."

"Who's Jesus?" Fluttershy asked in her innocence.

"Err..." Spiderman began to answer, thinking back to his misadventures with Black Jesus.

"Charge!" Swiper the Fox exclaimed as he rushed forward, shouldering his MP5 and firing off a burst into the closest enemy diamond dog, as it attempted to blow Swiper's brains out. Two members of the 101st Pegasi Division landed beside him, shouldering their SCAR's and unloading on the diamond dogs that were surrounding them.

It was the final stand of the Equestrian forces in Manehattan, as Black Jesus, 60's Era Spiderman, and Swiper the Fox led the remnants of the 101st Pegasi Division and the 1st Lunar Marine Unit in a valiant fight against an army of griffons and diamond dogs.

Only, they were hopelessly outnumbered, outgunned, and were completely surrounded.

"What are we gonna do?!" a nearby Marine asked our hero, as they sat in a trench together.

"Lawl I dunno, and I don't give a fuck." Spiderman said, as he climbed out of the trench and swung over to where Black Jesus was, who was charging at a group of griffons with his trademark weapon in hand, a Covenant energy sword. The griffons trained their rifles on him and fired everything they could at the messiah, but, thanks to the power of Old Spice, Black Jesus was practically bullet proof. As he closed the distance, Black Jesus went to work, slicing and dicing through the enemies, until the last corpse fell to the ground in a bloodied heap.

"Lawl do it again." Spiderman commented.

Black Jesus turned towards our hero and smiled wearily. "Hello, my friend."

"Hay." our hero responded.

Black Jesus sighed and looked down the street that they were standing on, where a fierce battle was raging between a few squads of the 101st Pegasi Division and what appeared to be an entire battalion of diamond dogs. "My friend, these are trying times that we live in."

"No shit sherclop." Spiderman commented.

Black Jesus ignored our hero. "I do know we will be victorious in the end, but to win, we must get help from other sources. Spiderman, I want you to go back to Badly Animated New York City and gain the friendship of your enemies, so they will agree to help us."

"Lawl k." Spiderman said.

With a snap of his fingers, a large portal opened up in front of our hero. "Go through the portal, my friend. The fate of Equestria rests in your hands." the messiah said.

"Lawl I don't give a fuck." Spiderman said, before he swooshed into the portal.

After a few moments, Black Jesus heard someone walking up behind him. He turned around and spotted Princess Luna standing there, clad in the Equestrian military's standard uniform, carbine in hoof.

"Do you really think he'll succeed?" she asked.

"No." Black Jesus said with a sigh, "but it better if we have him out of our hair. Now come on, those dogs won't kill themselves."

"Great." the princess said, as she and Black Jesus started sprinting down the street, where the 101st Pegasi Division was awaiting some much needed backup.

"Black Jesus is the son of God. And he is my friend." Spiderman answered, as he pulled his Old Spice Champion out of his non-existent pockets and pulled off his Spidey suit's top, showing off his awe inspiring 8 pack abs. He then applied the Champion to his armpits, then drew a cross on his chest using the Old Spice.

"He taught me, as well as many others, to believe on our smelf, as well as each other and in the power of Old Spice." Spiderman went on as he threw his Spidey suit's top back on, "truly, he is the greatest man to ever exist."

"Really?" Fluttershy asked in awe.

"Lawl I dunno." Spiderman answered.

Suddenly, the door leading to the dungeon (that's what Spiderman guessed he was in; not like he gave a fuck, though) creaked open as a familiar Royal Guard walked in.

This familiar Royal Guard walked up towards the cell and smacked our hero in the face.

"What the hell?! It was HER idea... not mine!" our hero exclaimed, as Fluttershy just looked sadly up at the Guard.

"Shut up!" the Guard spat angrily, "Because of you, I've been demoted to a measly Guard."

"Wait... I know I've seen you before... you're that faggot at the Mcdonalds! Who got slapped the fuck out by Luna!"

"I'm not a faggot! I've got a wife!" Shining Armor shouted at our hero angrily.

"Lawl it's time to come out of the closet, faggot." our hero said.

Shining Armor's eye twitched as he pulled a revolver out of its holster and put it to Spiderman's head. "That's it! I'm going to fucking kill you!"

"Oh look! This faggot thinks he's tough shit!" Spiderman exclaimed.

As Shining Armor began to pull back on the trigger, he felt the gun ripped from his grasp. He looked towards the door and found a very pissed off Princess Luna standing in the doorway, aiming his gun at him.

"You're fired." she said, before putting a bullet in his head.

Aw shit nigga!

*BANG*

Spiderman and Fluttershy watched as the faggot Royal Guard named Shining Armor fell to the ground, a large hole in his head.

Fluttershy, despite the fact she just mowed down about two dozen ponies without mercy, was horrified.

Our hero, on the other hand, had the exact opposite reaction.

"Do that again, lawl." Spiderman said as Luna made her way over to the cell door and threw it open with her magic.

"I would love to, Spiderman, but I can't kill the same pony twice." Luna said as she tossed the revolver away and made room for our hero and his butter yellow pegasus friend.

"Do it anyways." Spiderman said as he and Fluttershy walked out of the cell. Fluttershy was still in shock, her face without any emotion whatsoever.

"Are you alright, dear Fluttershy?" Luna inquired.

"Um... I don't give a fuck." Fluttershy answered as she trotted over to Shining Armor's body and stole his wallet.

"So, besides hanging out with this Spiderman character, how have you been, cousin?" Disco asked as he finished rolling up a blunt, before lighting it and putting it up to his lips. He inhaled deeply before exhaling, blowing smoke in Syphilis's face. This elicited a giggle and a cough from the Changeling princess.

"Oh, you know, causing chaos, fingerbanging Chrysalis's things," he said, before glancing over at the former Changeling queen, whose face was literally red with a mixture of embarrassment and anger, "same shit, different day."

"Sounds like a lot of fun. We should go bowling sometime, cousin." Disco suggested.

"Not until we find a new way of life." Chrysalis said, glaring at Discord.

"Oh?" Syphilis said.

"Well... since Spiderman is pretty much doing Discord's job for him, and I've been overthrown and exiled from my kingdom, we need to find a new direction in life."

Disco and Syphilis shared a quick glance before Disco leaned forward, holding his half smoken blunt out to Chrysalis and Discord.

"You see this blunt?" he asked.

"Yeah." Discord said.

"The weed in this is some good shit. I grow it myself, and sell it for about 200 bits a pound." Disco said as he passed it over to his cousin, whom promptly puffed on it a few times for passing it back, "I could use a couple of sellers, cousin. What do you say?"

"I'd prefer not to, Disco. I had my experience with the drug game. It's not fun." the disembodiment said with a shrug as he downed the rest of martini.

"Well... I do have another job you two could do..." Disco said as he scratched his bearded chin, "do either of you know how to handle a gun?"

Meanwhile, Twilight Sparkle and Applejack passed a blunt back and forth, getting higher and higher by the minute.

"Fuck, this is some good shit. Thanks for sharing this with me, Applejack." Twilight said with a smile.

"No problem sugarcube." Applejack responded as she passed the blunt back to Twilight, whom puffed away at it happily.

"Ah hah!"

The Scout grasped a small plastic bag and ripped it out of his backpack, showing it to Lyra and Rainbow Dash. Inside were hundreds of Skittles, just begging to be eaten.

"What are they?" Lyra asked.

"These are Skittles," the BLU Scout answer as he poured some into his hand and gave a few to his two pony companions, "I always have some in my rucksack in case of an emergency."

The two ponies glanced at each other before popping the candy into their mouths. Seconds later, their eyes popped open as they experienced a fruity flavor explosion in their mouth.

"Holy shit! That's amazing!" Lyra exclaimed.

"I hope I do taste like this!" Rainbow Dash exclaimed loudly, earning strange glances from the ponies in the surrounding area.

"Yo, this is gettin boring, we should go do something." the Scout said as he put his Skittles back in his rucksack.

"Like what?" Lyra asked.

"I don't know. What's there to do around here?" the Scout asked.

"Prank ponies." Rainbow Dash answered.

The Scout blinked. "Did you say prank?" he inquired.

"Yeah. Why?" Dash asked, suddenly kind of unsure of herself.

"Fuckin sweet! Let's do this!" the BLU Scout exclaimed.

LET ME SEE YOUR WARFACE! (End of Act I)

"One thousand and two..." Twilight Sparkle grunted as she did yet another push up, her muscles bulging and her coat completely drenched in sweat, "one thousand and three... one thousand and four..."

"Hey Twilight?" Spike called out to the suddenly athletic booknerd as he made his way into the room from the kitchen, "I was wondering if you... Twilight? Why are you doing push ups?"

"I don't know, Spike." the lavender unicorn responded as she stood up and wiped the sweat off her face with a towel, "this morning I had this urge to get off my flank and do something."

"Even after you went off and smoked pot with Applejack?" Spike asked.

"Mhmm." Twilight responded with a nod as she made her way into the kitchen, grabbing an empty glass with her telekinesis, filling it with water, and bringing it to her lips, downing it in a matter of seconds. She repeated this process several times in an attempt to quench her thirst. After getting bored of repeating this process, Twilight climbed onto the kitchen counter and lay down on her back as she leaned her head back in the sink, allowing the sink water to cascade into her mouth, as well getting her mane completely soaked.

Spike got a raging erection from this, since wet manes really turns him the fuck on, and decided to hide his shame and make his way out of the kitchen unnoticed, where he sneak up the top floor of the library and rub one out.

"Sneaky wank lawl." Spiderman said as he swooced in through an open window, scaring Twilight and causing her to hit her head on the faucet above her head.

"My eye!" Twilight screeched in pain.

"I'm sorry lawl." He wasn't. Spiderman really couldn't give two fucks.

Twilight groaned. "It's okay..."

"Lawl k." our hero said, before pulling his Android (60's Era Spiderman doesn't give a fuck about the fact the Android came out fifty or so years later, and he certainly didn't give a fuck about Apple) out of one of non-existent pockets and checked the time and day. It was 4:31 PM, and it was Sunday.

"Let's go get down." Spiderman said.

"But it isn't Friday." Twilight protested.

"Lawl I don't give a fuck. Meet you there." our hero responded before leaping out of a window, shattering it into a million pieces.

Twilight Sparkle, however, had previous engagements. As much as she would like to get down and get fucked, she couldn't exactly cancel her plans. After quickly drying off, Twilight packed her saddlebags, awkwardly walked in on Spike rubbing one out when she attempting say good bye, and trotted out the door.

The purple unicorn trotted up the street with pep in her step, her saddlebags bouncing up and down as she made her way up the street.

Suddenly, a cyan pegasus with a rainbow mane screeched overhead and dropped a bucket of water on Twilight's head, completely drenching the purple unicorn. A scowl spread across Twilight's maw as she looked up and spotted Rainbow Dash hovering above her, laughing her ass off. Tired of her shit, Twilight grabbed Rainbow Dash by her tail using her telekinesis and pulled her to the ground, before pouncing on her and shoving her face in the dirt.

"I'm tired of your shit, Dash! I got somewhere to go, and now, because of your bullshit, I have to go dry off again!" Twilight screeched.

"Dear Celestia Twilight... what's got you such in a hurry?" Rainbow Dash asked as she tried to squirm out of the Element of Magic's grasp.

"If you really must know," Twilight said as she activated a spell that dried her drenched coat and mane in a matter of seconds, "I enlisted in the Marines."

"Twilight, a glass of water please?" Rainbow requested. Twilight shrugs and summoned a glass of water for the cyan pegasus. Rainbow Dash grasped the glass with her hoof (don't ask how, you fucker) and took a quick swig of it, before spitting the water in Twilight's face.

"WHAT?!" Rainbow Dash exclaimed in shock.

Author's Notes:

Sorry about the shit, short chapter. I'm rather sick at the moment. Aight, peace.

-Liam

New Years Special Part One

Spiderman waltzed his way down the street in a goofy manner. Sure, his goofy walking style earned him a lot of stares, but he didn't give a fuck.

"Yo, Spidey, eat a dick!" somepony shouted.

"Lawl no you." Spiderman countered as he continued to walk down the street. Suddenly, there was a bright light, blinding our hero.

Our hero blinked, and he found himself in a huge ball room, surround by various humans, ponies, and other creatures. There was even a few man sized penguins wearing clothing for some reason.

"Hello!" one of the mentioned penguins greeted as it waddled over to him.

"Dafuq is this?" 60's Era Spiderman asked.

"Oh, this is the MarineMarksman New Years party, where the characters of anything written by MarineMarksman get together and party." the penguin responded.

"And what the fuck are you supposed to be?" our hero asked.

I'm Dj." Dj responded.

"Lawl gay." Spiderman said before walking away from the penguin and joining Luna on the other side of the room.

"Hello, fair Spiderman." Luna greeted, smiling at the superhero.

"Hay." Spiderman responded.

"Enjoying the party?" the princess asked.

"No. It fucking sucks." Spiderman responded.

"Well, why don't you go around and mingle? Someone you get along with must be here." the midnight alicorn suggested.

"Lawl k." Spiderman said as he walked away from her.

Author's Notes:

Part two will be released tomorrow. I'm sick, I'm tired, and I want to go watch the balls drop.

Have a happy New Years.

-Liam

New Years Special Part Two

"So what happened with you guys?" the recently dishonorably discharged Shining Armor asked his counterparts.

"I was discharged by Celestia because I attacked a bunch of bucking human soldiers." one Shining Armor grumbled.

"Oh jeez, I wish I was that lucky." another Shining Armor stated, "I disintegrated in a nuclear blast, along with many of my soldiers."

"Hey, at least you don't have deal with getting shot at by bucking droids 24/7." a third Shining Armor stated.

"At least you guys didn't get demoted, then fired by Princess Luna." the first Shining Armor stated.

"Damn. You're right, that is worst than dying." the Old Spice Guys invade Equestria's Shining Armor stated sarcastically.

"Hey, bite me. At least you died a fucking hero." 60's Era Spiderman goes to Equestria's Shining Armor spat venomously.

"Lawl sup faggot." Spiderman said as he walked up to the group of Shining Armors.

"Oh great. This asshole..." the unicorn from the 60's Era Spiderman goes to Equestria universe grumbled.

"Say that to my face faggot. Fight me irl. Do you even lift?" Spiderman inquired.

"I do indeed lift." Shining Armor responded.

"You dun lift. You're a faggot." Spiderman said, before walking away.

"Who was that guy?" one of the Shining Armor's asked.

"Don't ask." the Shining Armor from the 60's Era Spiderman goes to Equestria universe grunted.

"Don't tell, am I right fellas?" another one of the Shining Armor's completed in a flamboyant voice.

"Lawl, fuck this party. It sucks." Spiderman said to Discord.

"Mhmm. I hear ya." Discord agreed, "Let's get the fuck out of here."

"Lawl k." Spiderman said, pulling a bundle of dynamite out of one of his non-existent pockets, lighting it, and tossing it in the middle of the crowd. Before it detonated, Discord teleported himself, Spiderman, and all the characters from their story out of the room.

Author's Notes:

Oh look, OP didn't deliver. Boo fucking hoo.

I'm back! (Beginning of Act II)

With Liam being a bitch and Chad no where to be seen, I felt like it was time to step up. And considering the fact this is one of our more popular stories and most heavily requested ones, I'll be updating it from now on. I'm still a bit rusty, as I haven't written stuff like this since I originally started writing this story (where I eventually let Liam take over), but I'll get better.

-Will

It had been months since the New Years incident and the disappearance of 60's Era Spiderman from Equestria. Nopony had seen any trace of him, much to the dismay of many. In the aftermath of his disappearance, Princess Luna had finally legalized marijuana, and Fluttershy became one known to not give out fucks. Twilight joined the Marine Corps, Rarity revealed that she was an underground wrestler, Rainbow Dash took over things in the library, Applejack started selling weed with her apples, and Pinkie...

Pinkie Pie is just Pinkie Pie.

Fluttershy laid prone under a tree, flipping through the latest copy of 'How Not To Give A Fuck Monthly' as she let out a loud, bored sigh. It's been several months since 60's Era Spiderman disappeared during the New Years party. Ever since then, Fluttershy's life has been unusually dull. But, she honestly didn't give a fuck.

"Oh look... Shady is dropping with a new album this summer..." Fluttershy commented.

"How lovely."

She turned the page.

In a nearby tree, a familiar badly animated red and blue spaz hid among the leaves and branches. "That bitch stole my How Not To Give a Fuck Monthly..." our hero mumbled, before nodding in approval, "I have taught her well."

Our hero extended out his arm and jumped out of his tree, preparing to swing over to the tree Fluttershy was under. However, there was an obstacle.

Once again, our hero forgot how to shot web.

"Lawl how do I shot web?" Spiderman asked no one in particular, before falling face first into the ground.

As soon as she heard the thud, Fluttershy sat up, putting her magazine aside, and looking for the source of the noise. Upon spotting the badly animated hero lying in the dirt, she rose to her hooves and quickly made her way over to the infamous giver of no fucks.

"Guess who's back?" Spiderman asked, looking up from the dirt.

"Shady's back?"

"No, Spidey's back."

"Musical number?"

"Musical number."

With the disappearance of 60's Era Spiderman, life in Ponyville returned to normal... well, as normal as things can get around that town. Applejack trotted through the town center, her big brother following eagerly with their apple and hash cart hitched to him. As they set up shop and ponies started to gather around, eager to roll up a joint and eat a few apples to quench their munchies, Applejack took in a deep breath of Equestria's pollution-free air and smiled, looking off into the distance.

Then, she spotted it. Or them. Two figures on the horizon, one a small, yellow pony, and the other a tall human dressed in a red and blue spandex suit.

And they were singing.

"...two trailer park girls go round the outside, round the outside, round the outside..."

AJ blinked, as the words started to get louder and more audible as the pair entered the town center.

"Two trailer park girls go round the outside, round the outside, round the outside!" the two sang together, before approaching the orange apple salespony/drug dealer.

"Guess who's back?" Fluttershy asked the orange Earth pony.

"Back again." Spiderman threw in.

"Ah dunno. Who?" Applejack inquired.

"Shady's back!" our hero answered.

"Tell a friend." Fluttershy said with a wink.

"Guess who's back... guess who's back... guess who's back... guess who's back... guess who's back... guess who's back..." everypony in the immediate area started to sing together.

"I've created a monster," 60's Era Spiderman sang, "'cause nobody wants to see Marshall no more."

"They want Shady!" Fluttershy threw in.

"I'm chopped liver," Spiderman said. "Well if you want Shady, this is what I'll give ya: A little bit of weed mixed with some hard liquor, some vodka that'll jumpstart my heart quicker than a shock when I get shocked at the hospital by the doctor when I'm not cooperating when I'm rocking the table while he's operating."

"Hey!" Pinkie shouted, popping out of a nearby tree trunk.

"You waited this long now stop debating 'cause I'm back," Fluttershy began to sing, "I'm on the rag and ovulating. I know that you got a job Ms. Cheney but your husband's heart problem's complicating."

"So the FCC won't let me be or let me be me so let me see," Pinkie began to sing, shaking her flank like crazy, "they tried to shut me down on MTV but it feels so empty without me."

"So come on dip, bum on your lips fuck that," our hero sang, "cum on your lips and some on your tits and get ready, 'cause this shit's about to get heavy. I just settled all my lawsuits."

"Fuck YOU DEBBIE!" Fluttershy proclaimed, shaking her hoof in the air in a mock one fingered salute.

"Now this looks like a job for me so everybody just follow me," everypony sang, "'Cause we need a little controversy, 'Cause it feels so empty without me."

"I said!" Pinkie called out.

"This looks like a job for me so everybody just follow me," everypony continued to sing, "'Cause we need a little controversy, 'Cause it feels so empty without me."

"Little hellions kids feeling rebellious, embarrassed, their parents still listen to Elvis." Spiderman chanted, "they start feeling like prisoners, helpless, 'til someone comes along on a mission and yells 'bitch'!"

"A visionary, vision is scary, could start a revolution," Fluttershy sang, "polluting the air waves a rebel so just let me revel and bask, in the fact that I got everyone kissing my ass and it's a disaster such a catastrophe for you to see so damn much of my ass you ask for me?"

"Well I'm back!" Pinkie proclaimed.

"Fix your bent antennae tune it in and then I'm gonna enter in and up under your skin like a splinter," Fluttershy continued, "The center of attention back for the winter. I'm interesting, the best thing since wrestling. Infesting in your kids ears and nesting."

"Testing, 'Attention Please'," Spiderman whispered into Big Mac's ear, earning an angry stare from the red stallion before our hero jumped away, dancing in his "special" way, "feel the tension soon as someone mentions me here's my 10 cents my 2 cents is free. A nuisance, who sent, you sent for me?"

"Now this looks like a job for me so everybody just follow me," everypony in the general area sang, "'Cause we need a little controversy, 'Cause it feels so empty without me."

"I said!" Pinkie called out.

"This looks like a job for me so everybody just follow me," everypony continued to sing, "'Cause we need a little controversy, 'Cause it feels so empty without me."

Suddenly, the earth started to shake violently. Everypony faced the source of the disturbance to find Iron Will racing towards them. He jumped up high into the air, landing beside our hero and his waifu.

"A tisk-it a task-it," he began to sing, "I'll go tit for tat with anybody who's talking this shit, that shit. Chris Kirkpatrick you can get your ass kicked worse than them little Limp Bizkit bastards, and Moby you can get stomped by Obie, you 36 year old bald headed fag blow me!"

"You don't know me," Pinkie Pie proclaimed, stepping forward, "you're too old let go its over, nobody listens to techno!

"Now let's go," Spiderman exclaimed, "just give me the signal I'll be there with a whole list full of new insults. I've been dope, suspenseful with a pencil ever since Prince turned himself into a symbol."

"But sometimes the shit just seems, everybody only wants to discuss me," Rarity sang, suddenly entering the fray, "So this must mean I'm disgusting, but its just me I'm just obscene.

"Though I'm not the first king of controversy," Iron Will continued, "I am the worst thing since Elvis Presley, to do Black Music so selfishly and use it to get myself wealthy."

"Hey!" Pinkie exclaimed.

"There's a concept that works," Rarity sang, "20 million other white rappers emerge but no matter how many fish in the sea it'd be so empty without me."

"Now this looks like a job for me so everybody just follow me," everypony sang, "'Cause we need a little controversy, 'Cause it feels so empty without me."

"I said!" Pinkie called out.

"This looks like a job for me so everybody just follow me," everypony continued to sing, "'Cause we need a little controversy, 'Cause it feels so empty without me."

And then, almost as suddenly as the music number started, everypony stopped, glanced around, and quickly left the area.

Applejack blinked.

"What in tarnation...?"

Since Spiderman left, Discord and Chrysalis have made a name for themselves by becoming some of the best hitponies... or whatever the fuck they qualified for, in Equestria. With all the money they could ever need, they were now set for life, and they have decided to leave their life of assassinations and urban warfare behind for some much needed lulz.

Discord and Chrysalis sat on top of cloud high above the Manehattan high rises. In between them sat a bucket filled to the brim with piss filled water balloons.

"So, my dear queen," Discord said as he carefully plucked a balloon from the bucket and held it over the edge, "welcome to retirement."

The balloon slipped away from his paws, dropping down towards the ground at high speeds and bursting over a crowd of business ponies.

"What the fuck?!" one of them proclaimed.

"What's that smell?" another inquired.

"Jarate!" a foreign businesspony proclaimed.

"Ah... piss!" his partner groaned.

"So far, I'm loving this. Being free from my duties as queen and a hitpony. It's truly exhilarating." the former Changeling queen responded with a toothy grin, "but what should we do with this newly found freedom?"

"Hush, my dear." Discord said, shushing the Changeling, "we'll get to that later. In the meantime... let's ruin some asshole's day."

Of Weed and Apples

After their little musical number, Spiderman and Fluttershy made their way over to Applejack's apple/weed cart.

"Howdy Spidey. Howdy Shy." Applejack greeted, "can Ah interest ya in some weed?"

Suddenly, Pinkie Pie popped out of Fluttershy's asshole and fell out facefirst onto the ground. After picking herself off the ground and shrugging off some shit particles she picked up from Flutter's ass, she turned towards Applejack. "Weed? Did you say weed?"

AJ looked at the pink party pony strangely, before writing it off as typical Pinkie shit, "why yes, Ah did."

Pinkie's eye twitched. "Weed?! WEED?! WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED!!! WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED!!!" she chanted as she ran down the street at speeds the would make Rainbow Dash look like a piece of shit.

"...what in tarnation?" Applejack muttered, before turning her attention back to her customers. "So do ya'll want some weed or not?"

"Lawl sure." Spiderman said, digging into his non-existent pockets for something.

"What are ya lookin for?" Applejack inquired.

"A fuck to give," our hero responded, before removing his hands from his non-existent pockets and shrugs, "it appears I don't have a single fuck to give out."

"Err... it's complimentary."

"I don't give a fuck." Spidey said, picking up an apple from the stand and pegging AJ in the head with it, before picking up a sack filled with hash and apples and running away from the scene.

Applejack groaned and rubbed the spot that apple connected with, before glaring at Fluttershy. The yellow pegasus stood there awkwardly for a few seconds, before disappearing in a cloud of dust.

"Discord, what the fuck?!"

Discord looked down, spotting the cause of his queen's reaction. There, standing on end, was a massive erection, "Ooo! Would you look at that chaos erection?"

"Chaos erection?"

"Whenever something truly chaotic enters this universe, I get off on it."

"Gross."

"What do you think got me turned to stone in the first place? Being evil? No. My boy popped up when I was having tea with the princesses."

The former Changeling queen giggled slightly. "That's funny."

"No it's not."

Suddenly, a jet screeched overhead, it's occupant jumping out and deploying his chute, floating down by the pair. The two former villian's looked and saw it was a Mexican busboy.

"Es kinda funny."

Lance Corporal Twilight Sparkle peered down the scope of her sniper rifle, balancing the semi-automatic rifle in between her hooves. On the other end of her scope stood a pair of diamond dogs, their spears set aside as they shot the shit without a care in the world.

"Take the shot." her spotter prompted.

The Lance Corporal nodded, adjusting her aim to compensate for wind and bullet drop. Setting the crosshairs just slightly above the first dog's head, she took a deep breath and fired.

The 7.62 round exited the sniper rifle's barrel at high speeds, quickly closing the distance and passing in and out through the dog's head. The other dog turned in time to see his comrade fall to the ground, his blood covering the nearby ground. As he went for his spear, he heard a distant boom, like thunder, before Twilight's second round passed through his neck, severing his carotid artery.

Twilight watched with an expressionless face as the diamond dog fell to the ground, quickly bleeding to death. She had seen this many times before ever since she enlisted several months prior, and she had long ago stopped giving a fuck.

"Our job here's done. Let's get out of here before the main assault starts." her spotter said, rising to her hooves and holding her carbine at the ready. The purple uniform nodded, quickly disassembling her sniper rifle with her magic and packing it away in it's case. After slinging the case over her back and pulling out her own carbine, she signaled her spotter to lead the way of there. Her spotted nodded, as the two quickly left the area.

"Spiderman, Spiderman," Fluttershy and 60's Era Spiderman sang together in perfect harmony, "Trolls like no other spider can!"

Lyra heard the singing and spotted the duo making their way up the street. She quickly galloped over them and joined in. "Never gives a single fuck!" she sang.

"Need his help?" Fluttershy asked.

"You're shit outta luck!" Spiderman declared.

"Look Out!" they sang together, "Here comes the Spiderman!"

Fluttershy and Lyra giggled as Spiderman puffed on his joint, before discarding it and crushing it under his foot.

"I injected five whole marijuana's!" our hero declared.

"Implying I give a fuck." Fluttershy said with a shrug, as they continued their way down the street towards the library.

Back for the hundreth time

Authors note: Finally back. Now with more lulz. Several more chapters after this (I wrote a lot when I was offline), I’ll start allowing you, the readers, to start choosing where the story goes. Props to Bromont for his Katawa Broujo threads on /a/, which, after spending a day reading them, inspired me to not only get back into writing.

It was the beginning of a new day, the sun slowly rising over Canterlot and basking Ponyville in it’s warm, yellow rays.

Sunlight flooded in through Fluttershy’s window. The butter yellow pegasus stirred and sat up, groaning as the dawn of a new day disrupted her pleasant dream.

After rubbing the sand out of her eyes and smacking her lips, she made her way over to the window.

“FUCK YOU SUN!” she bellowed, before angrily shutting the blinds. She made her way into her bathroom, popping some pills into her mouth and drowning them down with some vodka. Technically, this was a very dangerous thing to do, as stated on the bottle, but Fluttershy didn’t give a fuck what some neckbeard scientists had to say.

Her wake up ritual complete, Fluttershy made her way down the kitchen, threw open the refrigerator door, and pulled out some leftover mcdonalds. Tossing her breakfast onto the table, she made her way into the living room, where our hero, 60’s Era Spiderman, was sound asleep.

“Wake up Spiderman...” she cooed.

No response.

Fluttershy glared at the sleeping hero. “WAKE UP YOU FUCKING SACK OF SHIT!”

“Lawl no.”

“Please?”

“Fuck off.”

The buttermilk yellow pegasus snorted in anger. She quickly retrieved her breakfast from the kitchen and plopped down on top of our hero, flipping on the television.

“OH SHIT IS THAT FUCKING HOUSE?!” Spiderman exclaimed as he jumped up, suddenly wide awake, staring intently at the TV.

“Um... yeah?”

“It’s not lupus lawl.”

“It’s never fucking lupus.” the pegasus agreed.

After finishing up the leftover mcdonalds in the fridge and watching several hours of House M.D., Fluttershy kicked open her front door and rolled outside, our hero loping along behind her.

After kicking the rotting corpse of Angel back and forth, the two grew bored and made their way into town. It was Thursday, so Applejack would have her freshest products on sale.

“Yo yo, Applejack, what’s good my zigga?” Fluttershy greeted, slapping the orange cowpony some hoof and pulling her into a sisterly embrace.

“Not much, not much. That yellow hush ya’ll were for is in.”

“Fuck yeah. What about the banana kush?”

“Only the best for you, Flutters,” Applejack said, hoofing over the weed and a basket full of various different kinds of apples, “That’ll be 250 bits.”

A large grin spread across the pegasus’s face as she produced the bits, hoofing it over to the orange apple and drug dealer.

After quickly counting the golden bits and ensuring they were not counterfeit, Applejack looked up at the two with a smile. “Ya’ll have a good one now.”

“Lawl k.” Spiderman said as the two walked away from the cart. Fluttershy walked over to a nearby building a leaned up against it, skillfully wrapping two blunts and handing one over to our hero.

Lighting up their blunts, the two smoked as they made their way down the street. After several minutes of walking and smoking, Fluttershy opened up her bit purse and looked inside.

“AWW SHIT BALLS!” she screeched in horror.

“What?”

“I’m out of bits.”

“Let’s go rob a liquor store, lawl.”

“I’m down.” Fluttershy said, reaching into her saddlebags and producing a .357 magnum, a glock, and A FUCKING GRENADE LAUNCHER.

“OH SHIT YOU’RE HARDCORE.” 60’s Era Spiderman proclaimed.

“I know.” Fluttershy agreed with a slight giggle, “Let’s go get Pinkie. She always loves a good robbing.”

Pinkie Pie leaned down, snorting up a line of neatly cut Colombian cocaine with a strawberry twizzler. Her head rocketed back in ecstasy, her mane growing poofier and her smile growing larger.

She turned around and turned on her CD player, which started to blast “Cocaine” by Eric Clopton.

It was a slow day in the Sugar Cube Corner, allowing Pinkie to do practically anything she wanted.

A bell rang out as the front door opened and some patrons walked in. Pinkie Pie quickly wiped away some excess coke away from her nose and bounced up to the front counter.

“Hi, welcome to the- oh, hey you guys!” she greeted Fluttershy and our hero as they walked up to the front counter.

“What’s up, Stanky Pink?” Fluttershy asked, pulling the pink Earth pony into a sisterly embrace and slapping her on the back effectionately.

“Not much! Just my usual slow day routine!” she said with a ridiculous grin.

“I see. I’m a bit low on bits-”

“No, I have nothing to spare.” Pinkie interupted.

“Lawl Jews.” Spiderman said.

Fluttershy glared at the two. “We’re going to rob the liquor store across town. You in?”

“Sounds like fun!” Pinkie Pie declared, “just let me get ready.”

Fifteen minutes later, our hero found himself walking into the liquor store with Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy in tow, all three of the decked out in sunglasses and trenchcoats. They looked like they came out of the fucking Matrix.

As Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy ran off to get some coors, mountain dew, doritos, and microwave burritos, 60’s Era Spiderman examined his surroundings. At the front counter was a Saddle Arabian immigrant named fatass or Paco or some shit like that. He probably had a bomb strapped to his chest and was waiting for the perfect moment to blow up Applejack’s Weed and Apple Farm™.

Examining the liquor stores coffee and donuts was a cop. Upon noticing our hero glancing at him, the cop gave him a cheery wave and turned his attention back to the donuts and coffee.

*SLAM*

Spiderman looked up to see that Pinkie and Fluttershy have finished picking out their shit and dropped it on the counter all at once. He quickly made his way over to them.

“Pinkie! My close friend and ally! How are you my friend?” the clerk asked.

Pinkie turned to Fluttershy. “Take the shit to that truck outside.”

She nodded and slide everything into her saddlebags, and began to make her way out of the liquor store.

“Hey slow your roll chief. You guys gotta pay for that first.” Mr. Durka called out.

Fluttershy stopped at the front and glanced over her shoulder.

“Relax, Osama! You know I’m good for it!” Pinkie said.

“Hey guys, you know the rules. No exceptions. Bits only.” Osama Bin Hidin’ said.

Pinkie glanced over at the cop, who was now approaching the line with coffee and donuts in hoof. He noticed her glancing at him and gave her a kind smile.

“LOOK! He’s got a weapon!” Pinkie declared, pulling a SMG out from under her trench coat and aimed it at Paco.

The cop behind Pinkie dropped his coffee and donuts and pulled out his own gun, pointing it at Spidey and the pink party pony.

“Woah, wait a minute now!” Fluttershy said, advancing towards the clerk, her glock in hoof, “Put the gun down.”

“Gun? What gun? I’m not holding a gun. Guys, it’s me. Pinkie, your landlord helped me build this store!”

Pinkie looked back at the cop aiming his gun at her and her friends, before turning back to Aladdin. “I DON’T KNOW YOU, MOTHER FUCKER! NOW, PUT THE GUN DOWN, PUT IT DOWN!”

“There is no gun! Look!” Saddam Hussein shouted.

“DROP THE WEAPON!” Fluttershy screeched.

“I-I, I don’t see a weapon!” the cop said, trembling nervously.

“I am not holding a weapon,” he pleaded, closing his eyes and looking away, “I AM NOT HOLDING A WEAPON!”

“OFFICER, THIS MOTHERFUCKER GOT A GUN POINTED AT YOU! DO YOU WANT TO DIE?!” Fluttershy exclaimed.

“WHAT?!”

“DO-YOU-WANT-TO-DIE?!” She repeated.

“I DON’T HAVE A GUN!” the clerk screeched in fear.

“HE DOES HAVE A GUN, TRUST ME! THE ABSENCE OF EVIDENCE IS NOT THE EVIDENCE OF ABSENCE!” Pinkie Pie shouted.

“I-I DON’T SEE A GUN!” The cop responded.

“Man, fuck this shit!” Fluttershy said as she turned her glock on the cop, “Whose side you on? Mine, or this muthafucker who’s obviously of terrorist descent?”

After pondering for a second, the cop turned his gun onto the clerk, “Wait... I think I can see the gun now!”

“GOOD!” Pinkie declared as she jumped onto the counter, “NOW WE ALL SEE THE WEAPON! NOW YOU HAND OVER THAT WEAPON ON THE COUNT OF THREE, OR I SWEAR TO ALL MIGHTY CELESTIA, I’LL BLOW YOUR FUCKIN’ HEAD OFF! ONE!”

“I CAN’T GIVE YOU A WEAPON I’M NOT HOLDING!” Obama pleaded, “YOU’RE THINKING OF THE ZEBRA SHOP, NORTH OF HERE!”

“TWO!”

“Is he... still holding it?!” the cop asked shakily.

“TIMES UP!”

The clerk ducked under the counter as Spidey, Pinkie, and Fluttershy opened fire on him all at once. A nearby storage closet flung open, and three Saddle Arabians dressed like ninjas or some shit opened fire on the trio with their AK’s. The three ran for cover, as the cop was caught in the crossfire and sent flying to the ground.

Spidey and Fluttershy scrambled towards the back of the store as Pinkie laid down covering fire, sending the four haji’s diving for cover. Once Pinkie got to cover, they popped up once more and opened fire on the back of the store. Spidey leaned out of cover and fired off the rest of the ammo in his magnum, managing to his one of the Saddle Arabians in the shoulder and the chest.

“Lawl I’m out of ammo.” Spidey said. Pinkie Pie reached into her saddlebags and tossed him an AKS. Our hero quickly unfolded the stock of it and held it to his chest as he peaked around the corner, looking at the cop.

“Hey, what’syerface.”

“My name’s Buck.”

"Buck, you’re going to die, lawl.”

“I don’t think I’m dying.”

“You’re full of shit, lawl.”

“Actually, I think I’ll gonna make it,” he said as he started to rise off the ground.

“You hear that, you sweaty camel fucking bastards?! Bucky ain’t dead! Bucky says, bring it on!” Pinkie Pie said as she rounded the corner and opened fire, “BRING IT!”

The Men That Stare At Camels returned fire with renewed vigor, sending Pinkie diving for cover and once again hitting Officer Buck, knocking him to the ground.

Hours later, a reporter stood outside of the liquor store, reporting on a firefight between police and Equestrian patriots and Saddle Arabian terrorists.

“And here they come now.” the reporter said as they dragged the Saddle Arabians out of the liquor store. They were followed by Spiderman, Fluttershy, and Pinkie, their guns at their side and bottles of mountain dew in hoof (and hand).

Fluttershy looked around at the dozens of cops, reporters, and average joes standing, watching them.

“DAFUQ YA’LL LOOKING AT?!” she demanded.

After a moments pause, the crowd surrounding the gas station began to cheer for the trio.

“Let’s paaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarty!” Pinkie declared, holding a 24 pack of coors and tossing it into the crowd, before charging in. Fluttershy and Spiderman stood there, watching as everything went to shit.

“You gonna go party?” Fluttershy asked.

“Nah. I only get down on Friday, lawl.” Spidey answered.

“Me neither. Let’s head home and watch some Power Rangers.”

“Shit is so cash.”

The two started to skip away, singing as they went.

“GO GO POWER RANGERS!”

“GO GO POWER RANGERS!”

“GO GO POWER RANGERS!”

“MIGHTY MORPHIN POWER RANGERS!” they sang together happily.

They spent the rest of the night watching Power Rangers and smoking yellow kush.

That green Power Ranger is one awesome mother fucker.

Author's Notes:

No one uses these lawl

ZOMBIES! EVERYWHERE!

Everything was quiet. Nothing stirred, not even a mouse. Well, technically that isn’t true. Eminem was going around murdering people as he sung his song, 3 AM.

But that’s a story for another time.

Spiderman snored loudly on the couch, his snores reverberating through the cottage.

Suddenly, our hero awoke, rising up with a gasp as he rolled off the couch.

“ZOMBIES! ZOMBIES EVERYWHERE!” he screeched as he waved his hands about in the air.

Spiderman then collapsed on the ground and started to spasm violently.

As Spiderman did what a Spiderman does, Fluttershy made her way downstairs with a cute yawn. She examined our hero for a few seconds as he rolled about on the floor. She was pretty sure he would be foaming at the mouth if she could see under his mask, but it was just a guess.

“Spiderman, what the fuck are you doing?”

“THE ZOMBIES ARE COMING!” he screeched, arching his back as he did so.

“What good will this do?” Fluttershy asked with a raised brow.

“This dance will summon Bruce Campbell to Equestria to kick some zombie ass!” he responded.

“Dude, Bruce Campbell is fucking god tier!” Fluttershy declared.

“Lawl I know.”

Meanwhile, in the Old Spice Guys Invade Equestria universe, Bruce Campbell lay in bed with his pony bride, Rarity, as he flipped through a book. A badass book. Or something.

Suddenly, his Galaxy x6 (a badass experimental smartphone with over 9000 gigabytes) vibrated. He put aside his book and looked at the text.

60’s Era Spiderman is attempting to summon you.

Will you answer the call?

Text yes to teleport to his current location, or text no to tell him to go fuck himself.

“Eh.” Bruce said as he tossed his phone aside and turned his attention back to his book, “I’ll get to that.”

“Eventually.”

“Any minute now!” Spiderman said, waiting expectantly for Bruce Campbell to show up.

Fluttershy looked at our hero disbelievingly.

Spiderman glanced down at his watch.

“Any second- fuck it, let’s go smoke some weed.” Spiderman said, throwing his watch to the ground, which exploded on impact.

“Now you’re talking.” Fluttershy said.

Meanwhile, in the Ponyville cemetery, something was happening.

No, someone didn’t set us up the bomb. The dead were rising.

The ground shook as various dead ponies and pets climbed to the surface.

“Ploooooooooooot...” the zombies moaned, as the slowly advanced towards the nearest settlement, which happened to be Fluttershy’s cottage.

On a nearby hill sat Old Stallion Jenkins, a bottle of whiskey in hoof.

“I need to lay off the sauce...” he commented as he watched the undead army advance towards Ponyville.

As our hero and Fluttershy finished off their shared joint, there was a loud knock at the front door. The two glanced at each other as Spidey got up and opened the door.

“Bruce?” he asked.

“Nooooooooooope! Chuck Testa!” Chuck Testa said.

“...”

“...”

“...”

“...”

“Get the fuck out of here.”

“Okay. See yah Spidey.” he said as he turned around and started to walk away. Out of nowhere, a zombie tackled Chuck Testa to the ground, biting down into his neck and ripping a large chunk of his flesh out of his neck.

“Fucking sweet lawl.” our hero commented, getting the zombie’s attention. The zombie rose off of Chuck Testa’s still writhing body and started advancing towards our hero. Seeing this danger, Spiderman extended his wrist and aimed it at the zombie.

“Oh shit, I forgot how to shot web.”

“Plooooooooooooooooot...” the zombie moaned.

Spiderman looked over his shoulder. “Fluttershy, how do I shot web?!”

“Spiderman, close the fucking door!” Fluttershy shouted at our hero.

“Oh right lawl.” he said as he slammed the door in the zombie’s face, who proceeded to start banging on the door in an attempt to break in.

“So, what now?” Fluttershy asked.

“Lawl I dunno.”

“Shouldn’t we baracading shit?”

“Who gives a fuck lawl.” Spidey said as he made his way over to the couch and flipped on the television. After flipping through the channels, our hero settled on watching House M.D.

“Spidey, what are you doing?”

“Starting my morning out right,” 60’s Era Spiderman responded as he shot off a quick text.

Bruce Campbell walked into the kitchen and went straight the fridge, grabbing some eggs, bread, hash browns, and vegetarian sausage. Using the power of Old Spice, he turned his random assortment of food into a five star meal. He quickly distributed food between two plates and carried them to the living room, where Rarity was waiting patiently.

“Good morning, darling.” she greeted.

“Morning.” he responded, planting a kiss on her cheek and placing a plate in front of her, before making his way over to his seat.

As he stabbed into one of his sausages and brought up to his mouth, his x6 vibrated.

“God dammit...” he muttered as he placed his fork down and fished his phone out his pocket and checked the message.

lawl zombies and house come on over

-love spidey

Zombies. House. That’s the only right way to start the morning.

The x6 vibrated once again.

oh and they got chuck testa lawl it was badass

“That sucks,” Bruce commented as he rose from his chair and started to walk to the basement.

“Darling? Where are you going?” Rarity inquired.

“I’m going to go save Spiderman’s ass.” Bruce responded, “Also, Chuck Testa is dead.”

“Oh no!”

“Oh yeah!” that kool-aid guy said as he crashed through a wall. Bruce glared at the kool-aid guy, before picking up a nearby paperweight and throwing it at the kool-aid guy, causing him to crack and shatter.

Satisfied with his revenge, Bruce continued his journey down to the basement. In his basement was his study and library, as well as an armory. Making his way to the armory, Bruce Campbell looked over his collection.

Briefly considering taking his boomstick from the Evil Dead series, Bruce decided that it likely lacked the firepower to take on an army of zombies.

Then, he remembered something.

The latest addition to his collection.

Bruce Campbell quickly grabbed it and several boxes of shells, then texted yes in response to his earlier alert.

“It’s lupus.” the TV blasted. Spiderman had earlier turned the TV way the fuck up to drown out the sound of zombies banging on the cottages walls, windows, and doors.

Suddenly, a portal formed in front of the TV and out walked Bruce Campbell. His left arm was replaced by a chainsaw, and in his right arm, he carried an AA-12 automatic shotgun.

“Down in front!” Spiderman called out.

“Spidey.”

“Bruce Campbell.”

“I heard you got a zombie problem.”

“Lawl yeah.”

“Let’s go take care of it, shall we?”

“Lawl k.”

Outside waited an army of zombies, milling about waiting for something living to show up or trying to break into the cottage to get to living inside.

*CRASH*

The zombies turned around to see Bruce Campbell kick down the front door of Fluttershy’s cottage, his chainsaw and AA-12 at the ready. Following him were Fluttershy and our hero, both armed with M4’s.

“GET SOME!” Bruce called out as he opened fire, unleashing a barrage of destruction against the zombies. Zombies after zombie fell as Bruce’s explosive rounds sent them flying, with Fluttershy and Spiderman shooting down any stragglers.

“Watch out Bruce!” Fluttershy called out.

“Plooooooooooooooot!” a zombie cried as it pounced at Bruce Campbell.

“DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODGEEEEEEEEEEE!!!” Spiderman called out.

Bruce quickly dived and rolled out of the way, then kicked the zombie in the side with all his strength, knocking it over on it’s side. Before the zombie could rise and attack, Bruce was on top of it. With a quick slash of his chainsaw, the zombie’s head was separated from it’s body.

“Disgusting.” Bruce Campbell commented as he kicked the still moving head into the distance.

“Fore!” Fluttershy called out, watching it disappear into the distance.

“Is that all?” Bruce asked.

“Lawl no.”

“That was only round one. We must go to the cemetery and stop whatever is causing the dead to rise.” Fluttershy said, as she tied a red bandana over her head.

“Let’s go to work, then.” Bruce said.

As they approached the cemetery, they found that somepony had already beat them there.

There stood Twilight Sparkle, clad in her digital woodland uniform and armed with an M16, mowing wave after wave of zombies, with the help of several other Marines. Judging by the bodies surrounding them, they used to be part of a much larger force.

But not anymore.

“Twilight?” Fluttershy asked as they approached the Marine fireline.

“Fluttershy?! What the fuck are you doing here?!” Twilight demanded.

“What the fuck am I doing here?! What the fuck are you doing here?!” she responded.

“What, you don’t think that Luna wouldn’t notice the dead are rising?” Twilight asked retorically as she adjusted her helmet into a more comfortable position, “My team was deployed here to put down this threat to Equestria before it did any serious damage. Sadly, we came unprepared. We only barely survived the last wave.”

“Lawl sucks to be you.”

Before Twilight could unleash a fierce can of whoopass upon our hero, Fluttershy stepped up to the plate. “Bruce Campbell here is here to stop the zombies. He knows what to do.”

The purple unicorn blinked and looked up at chainsaw wielding man as if this is the first time she saw him. “Dude... you’re fucking god tier.”

“So I’ve heard.” he responded.

“So, ladies, you gonna stand around here waiting to become some zombie’s lunch, or are you going to join in an epic quest to stop the zombie menace from taking over Equestria?” Fluttershy asked, striking a pose.

“Sounds like some party. Let’s go Marines!” Twiley called out to the survivors.

The trio, now accompanied by Twilight Sparkle and eight other Marines, marched their way into the cemetery.

It was quiet.

Too quiet.

“GOD THIS IS SO FUCKING CLICHE!” one of the Marines whined, before a giant zombie tackled him. As the Marine screamed in terror, the zombie used it’s massive strength and ripped the Marine in half.

“TANK!” Twilight called out. Several of the Marines charged up and opened fire on the giant beast. In response, the tank threw the two halves of the corpse at the Marines, then jumped up in the air and landed on them, crushing them.

By now, other zombies started to come out of the woodwork and slowly started advancing towards our savior’s position.

“Shore Leave, take that fucker to town!” Twilight ordered.

“Yes Lieutenant!” “Shore Leave” responded, unslinging an AT4 from his back and balancing it over his shoulder.

“FIRE IN THE HOLE!” Twilight called out to the others as Shore Leave unleashed his ordnance on the steroids addicted zombie, blowing it into millions of a pieces.

“Marines, hold the line! Fluttershy, take Spiderman and Bruce Campbell and FINISH THIS FIGHT!” Twilight shouted.

The Marines went back to back, covering all fields of fire as the trio separated from them and charged towards the center of the cemetery, where Bruce said the source was supposed to be.

Suddenly, as the zombies started to chase after them, the MJOLNIR Mix started to play out of fucking nowhere. The epic guitar riffs inspired the trio to ran faster, slashing and shooting as they went.

Suddenly, a challenger appears! Another tank jumps in front of the trio and starts to bring it’s fists down on them.

“DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODGE!!!!!” Fluttershy screeched.

“Lawl k.” Spiderman said as they all rolled out of the way, narrowly escaping their deaths. Fluttershy and Spiderman continued to run, yet Bruce stood defiant in the fact of death.

“Go on! You guys know what to do. I’ll hold off these fuckers.”

“Have fun dying! Lawl.” Spiderman called over his shoulder as he and Fluttershy continued to run.

Eventually, our hero and his companion reached the center of the cemetery. As they stood there, gasping for breath, they observed what awaited them.

In front of them was a large cave in. The cave in had a dark aura, and seemed to be glowing a light green.

“Let’s get this over with.” Fluttershy said, as she cautiously approached the cave in.

“Lawl k.” Spiderman responded, following her and just not giving a fuck in general.

Author's Notes:

I'm going on vacation, so I'm not sure when I'll post the next chapter.

Epic Quest Time Lulz (Part One)

As Fluttershy and our hero travelled deeper into the depths of the cave, the air started to grow more humid and hot. It stank of evil. And sweat and shame.

As they continued their descent into the cavern, they soon come across a stream of lava flowing in between where they were and where the needed to be. After some examination, our hero spotted a bridge that went across the stream.

As they approached the bridge, a voice called out to them. “Halt!” the voice cried.

“You can’t tell me what to do! I’m Batman!” Spiderman shouted at the source of the voice.

“No you aren’t, you dumbass.” Fluttershy pointed out.

“Oh yeah lawl.”

A lone figure stepped out of the shadows, revealing himself to the couple.

“Keanu Reeves?” Fluttershy asked.

“Sup?” he asked.

“The Matrix has you lawl.” Spiderman said. Real nigga talk.

“Alright, so, to cross this cavern, you both must answer three questions,” said the chosen one.

“Lawl k.”

Keanu turned to the butter yellow Pegasus. “What is your name?” he asked.

“Fluttershy.”

“What is your quest?”

“I don’t give a fuck.”

“If you wake up in the middle of the night and go into the living room, and see your TV floating away, what do you do?”

“Shout ‘freeze zigger!’”

“Good job, you get to cross,” The One said before turning to our hero, “What is your name?”

“Spiderman.”

“What is your quest?”

“I dunno lawl.”

“What’s President Obama’s middle name?”

“Trick question. Monkey’s don’t have middle names.”

“Good job. You get a treat.” Keanu Reeves said as he tossed a dog bone to our hero, pegging him in the forehead. However, he didn’t give a fuck. Because he’s Spiderman.

“Let’s go,” the yellow Pegasus said.

“Lawl k.”

“Wait.”

The two turned back to Keanu, who casually floated over to them. “Take me with you.”

“Why?”

“It’s much more dangerous up ahead, you’ll need all the help you can get,” he said.

“Besides… this gig pays well, but it’s pretty boring.”

After a moment’s thought, Fluttershy shrugged. “Sure, whatever.”

Neo put on a pair of sunglasses. “Bitchin.”

Bruce Campbell quickly slid out of the way, narrowly dodging the tank’s ram, before quickly picking himself up. Slinging his AA-12 over his shoulder, Bruce revved up his chainsaw arm and shifted into a combat stance.

The tank turned around and noticed that it’s foe still stood and charged at him once again. This time, Bruce didn’t dodge. As the gargantuan beast closed the distance between the two, Bruce slashed through it’s left arm and kicked the beast hard enough to knock it over.

Before it could rise once more, Bruce was on top of it. He made quick work of the beast, severing it’s last remaining arm before taking off it’s head, kicking the dismembered head away from the body like it was a weapon.

Satisfied the creature was once again dead, Bruce Campbell stepped back and admired his work.

But this break didn’t last long, as the moans of the undead filled the air, reminding him of his current situation, as well as the mission at hand.

Picking up his discarded AA-12 and checking it for ammo, Bruce readied himself for another onslaught.

And he waited…

And waited...

Minutes later, Bruce realized that he still hasn’t fallen under attack.

Then, gunshots in distance reminded him of the Marines that stayed behind to save him and his two compatriots some time. Realizing that they needed him more than Spidey and Fluttershy probably did, Bruce started running in their direction.

On the other side of the cavern, Spiderman and Fluttershy, now accompanied by Keanu Reeves, discovered a large, metal door. With the press of a button, the door slid open, allowing the trio to enter.

“This is the laboratory that the virus originated from. The people in charge of this facility are former Nazi scientists who were forced to work for the Soviet Union who ended up helping Saddam Hussein build WMD and ended up working in Guatameno Bay, and would like nothing more destroy Equestria. In fact, that’s what they are trying to do.”

“Brutal lawl.” Spiderman commented.

“But since you’re working for them, doesn’t that make you evil?” Fluttershy asked.

“Money’s money. Besides, I don’t judge you for smoking pot.” Keanu responded.

“There is a big difference smoking pot and helping evil scientists develop a virus to kill millions,” the yellow Pegasus retorted.

“Frankly, I don’t give a fuck.”

The trio continued down the passage, their footsteps echoing down the narrow hallway. Their pace quickened as they neared the light at the end of the tunnel.

Finally, they exited the tunnel, revealing two large canyons. One had two bases directly across from each other, and the other was a much larger gulch, with two bases on each end of the gulch. In each canyon, one base would be the color red, and the other would be colored blue.

“These outposts are called Battle Canyon and Blood Gulch. Originally, they worked together to protect the lab from anyone who didn’t properly answer my riddles, or just pissed me off. However, word around the office is the inhabitants of Battle Canyon got bored with the drills between their red and blue squads and went after the inhabitants of Blood Gulch. The soldiers in Blood Gulch have been pushed back to the blue base in the east end of Blood Gulch, so most of the guarding duties are taken care of by the guys in Battle Canyon, so be ready for a fight,” Keanu explained as they approached the wall separating the passageway and the two canyons, “We have a few options for getting past these guys. We can either kill everyone, help one of the sides overcome the other, or try to broker a peace between-“

“No.” Spiderman said.

“Pardon?”

“Peace sucks lawl.”

Keanu shrugged. “This is your journey, guys, so make up your mind. I recommend helping one of the sides, at least. They’ll likely help you in the next challenge for helping them.”

“Helping the guys in Blood Gulch seems like more of a challenge.” Fluttershy said.

“Work sucks.” Spiderman commented.

“Spidey, helping the guys in Blood Gulch involves lots of action and explosions.”

“Oh sweet lawl.”

“Alright, if we’re helping the Purples-“

“The what?” Fluttershy interjected.

“The guys in Battle Canyon call the guys in Blood Gulch the Purples. The guys in Battle Canyon are called the Zealots, because of their crazy religion based around their flag.” Keanu explained.

“Sounds like a fun bunch.” Fluttershy said.

“They can be… occasionally… let’s get this show on the road. Just follow my lead, and we should be fine,” The One said.

Epic Quest Time Lulz (Part Two)

As the trio approached the wall, a voice called out from the fortifications above.

“HALT! WHO GOES THERE?!” A whiney, nasally voice called out.

“Relax xxx1337haxor69xxx, it’s just me. Got some visitors who are going to check out the facilities.” Keanu responded.

“OH YEAH?! WHY DIDN’T WE HEAR ABOUT TI?!” xxx1337haxor69xxx shouted back.

“Must have been some failure in communication. I’ll let the boss know that he should double check next time. But if you don’t let me and my guests in, it will be your ass.”

After a moment’s pause, the gateway to the canyons slowly opened up for the trio. “ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT! DON’T MAKE ME REGRET THIS!”

“No problem. Have a good day.”

“IT’S ALWAYS FUCKING DAY HERE!”

“Don’t worry! The techs are working on that.” Keanu said as the trio walked through the gateway. They came across two paths. One had a sign that said Battle Canyon outpost. The other path’s sign was partially destroyed and was vandalized, but upon examination, part of Blood Gulch can be made out. It also appears someone scribbled down ‘purple sux’ in crayon on the sign.

After Spiderman pushed over the partially destroyed lunch and disposed of his lunch on it for great justice, the trio made their way into the canyon known as Blood Gulch.

One by one, Marine after Marine fell in a swarm of bodies, their flesh being ripped away from their bones as the Marine screamed for mercy. Now, only two were left. Twilight Sparkle and Corporal Red Shirt.

Twilight held a cool face, despite the situation at hand. Completely surrounded, constantly under attack, and completely outnumbered with no reinforcements.

Firing off the last of her magazine into the face of a walker who was getting too close for comfort, the Lieutenant slung her rifle and pulled out her ka-bar and her sidearm. She quickly put two rounds in a zombies head, then stabbed another in the temple. After bucking another zombie in the chest, she quickly let the empty magazine fall out of her M16 and replaced it with a fresh one.

A bloodcurdling scream rang out, silencing all the moans and cries of the undead of a couple seconds. Twilight looked over her shoulder to see Red Shirt fall to the ground with a walker biting into his neck. She switched to semi and put a round in Red Shirt’s head before turning her rifle back on the zombies and getting back to work.

It seemed like for every walker that fell, ten would take it’s place. With no Marines left to back her up, and the fact that she was hopelessly outmanned and surrounded, her situation looked bleak.

She wasn’t letting those beasts get her. If she was going out, she was going out on her own terms.

Twilight backed up against a wall and went to work, putting down as many zombies as she could.

*click*

She was out of ammo.

Dropping her M16 and sliding to the ground, she pulled out her sidearm and put it to her head.

Her imminent self-termination was interrupted by the sound of rolling thunder. Twilight looked up to see Bruce Campbell emerging from the miles of tombstones surrounding her, his AA-12 blasting away, cutting down the zombie hoard with a storm of explosive rounds.

Twilight rose off the ground and brought up her sidearm, emptying the rest of her clip into the herd of walkers making their way towards their new prey. When it clicked empty, she let the empty clip fall to the ground before she slammed a fresh clip inside of it, sliding it into her holster, and picking up a fallen Marine’s M4.

Firing in quick, controlled bursts, Twilight slowly advanced towards the dwindling hoard. Her fire combined with the overwhelming firepower of Bruce’s AA-12 made quick work of the walkers, decimating their numbers and finally finishing them off.

After the last zombie fell, half of it’s head blown off, the Lieutenant made her way over to Bruce Campbell, swapping her nearly spent magazine with a fresh one.

“Thanks for the back-up. Wasn’t looking forward to becoming a member of the hoard,” Twilight said.

“Don’t mention it.”

“I just did.”

“Whatever. I saw a structure due north of here we could hole up in. We probably have enough time to gather weapons and ammo and get over there before the next wave of walkers show up,” said Twilight.

“Good. Let’s get to work.”

The path that the trio walked down opened up, revealing a large gulch to them. A few meters away, our hero spotted the former red base and the Zealot fire line. In the distance, he could see the current Purple base, with what looked like a giant scorpion rolling around the base.

‘Kickass,’ our hero thought to himself.

The trio made their way past the Zealot fire line, their movements being tracked by a nearby tank. Someone with a really squeaky voice called out “DEAD MAN WALKING” as they entered no man’s land.

As they approached the Purple base, the giant scorpion, which ended up behind another tank, made it’s way over to them, it’s giant cannon aimed directly at them.

“Hello. You have five seconds to state your business or you will be destroyed,” a female voice from the tank said.

“Stand down Sheila, it’s just me,” Keanu Reeves said, “Just showing some new people the facility.”

“Oh! Hello Neo. I wasn’t expecting you to be visiting. The director didn’t say anything about any tours.”

“There was a glitch in the system,” he explained.

“Oh. Alright. Then go on right ahead. Just don’t touch anything.” Sheila said as she rolled on, continuing her patrol.

The trio continued towards the base. As they entered, they found themselves looking down the barrel of a battle rifle, held by a soldier clad in black armor.

“What’s the password?” she asked.

“Password lawl.” Spiderman said.

The black soldier glanced over the mismatching trio. “Either you’re really stupid, or you are our reinforcements.”

“It’s a mixture of both.” Fluttershy said with a shrug.

“Lawl yeah.”

“Talking ponies, huh? Now I really have seen everything. I thought you were just the idiot’s pet or something.”

Fluttershy glared at armor clad soldier, but held her tongue.

“Anyways, go on ahead. Talk to the red guy named Sarge. He’s the one with the shotgun,” she said, waving on the trio as she slung her rifle and leaned up against a nearby wall.

Keanu Reeves shrugged and continued into the base’s main room, Fluttershy and our hero in tow. There, standing over detailed maps of both Blood Gulch and Battle Canyon, was a red guy with a shotgun slung over his shoulder. A soldier in brown armor stood in the corner, his finger hovering over his assault rifle’s trigger. Another soldier in maroon armor stood over the red soldier, watching him intently.

“You Sarge?” Keanu Reeves asked.

“Who wants to know?” he asked with a Southern accent as he faced them.

“Your reinforcements,” the One responded.

“I ask for reinforcements two weeks ago, and Command sends me a guy in a red and blue spandex suit, a guy straight out of the Matrix, and a fucking pony? Is this some kind of fucking joke?”

“Lawl nope,” our hero said.

Sarge’s shoulders slumped as he let out a frustrated groan. “I hope you’re better than nothing, though you certainly don’t look it. The crew quarters are downstairs. It’s a bit cramped, but I don’t want to hear any bitching. Get some armor and some better weapons. We attack in two hours. Simmons, show the newbies to their quarters and set them up.”

“Yes sir!” Simmons responded before waving to the trio to follow him, “Come on, let’s go get you suited up.”

Oh wait...

"Wake up, Spiderman..." Fluttershy said, nudging our hero gently.

Our hero stirred in his sleep and sat up, looking over at the Pegasus. "WHERE ARE THE ZOMBIES?!" he demanded.

"Zombies? There aren't any-"

"ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!" our hero demanded.

"I'm sorry, what-"

"I NEED MORE TP FOR MY BUNGHOLE!" Spiderman exclaimed, jumping up from the couch and launching himself out a nearby window, leaving a startled Pegasus behind.

"WHAT THE FUCK?!" she screamed.

Le Fin

Author's Notes:

I forgot where I was going with that storyline lulz.

More Spiderman coming soon.

If a black guy does magic, is it black magic?

Our hero sat on the couch that has been his bed for the past couple months, a can of Red Bull in one hand and a can of Coors in the other. Beside him was Fluttershy, lying on her back with her head resting on 60’s Era Spiderman’s lap.

“Hit me," Fluttershy ordered.

Spiderman nodded, pouring a mixture of beer and energy drink into the yellow pone's mouth. Once it was filled, she closed her mouth and swallowed like a good girl.

“That hit the spot.” she said, turning her attention back to the TV. WWE Monday Night Raw was on. Fluttershy started watching it with our hero shortly after he gave her the single fuck he’d ever give. She, like Spiderman, would sit back and let a mixture of Red Bull and Coors pour down her hroat as she watched sweaty men duke it out in a choreographed match.

While it sounded mad gay at first, the yellow pegasus had to admit that it was entertaining.

“I will stop you, Mistress Mystery!” Hulk Hogan shouted at a familiar alabaster unicorn, whom was dressed in what could pass as a BDSM outfit and a Guy Fawkes mask.

“Nay, Mr. Hogan! This is the end of the supremacy of humanity in WWE. Now, the ponies shall rule this!” Rarity, or Mistress Mystery, retorted.

“God dammit, you fucking ponies took Sergeant Slaughter’s job!” Hogan growled, causing the crowd to gasp.

“They took his job?" someone in the crowd asked.

"THEY TOOKER JOB!" another person shouted back

"DEY TOOKER JEERRRBBB!"

"DERKA DUURRRRRR!”

“I’m gonna kick your ass!” someone shouted out.

“A NEW CHALLENGER APPEARS!” the announcer called out as a cloaked figure swung down from the roof and landed in between the two. The cloaked figure removed his garb and reveaedl a certain propane salesman.

“It’s Hank Hill, assistant manager at Strickland Propane!” someone in the crowd shouted out.

“I can’t allow you ponies to keep taking American jobs! It’s causing taxes to rise, and that’s a propane in my ass!” he shouted, rearing back and kicking Rarity in the fucking face.

“Ow! Don’t you know it’s impolite to hit a lady?!” she screeched, rising from the ground.

“You’re a fucking horse, not a lady. I’m gonna kick your ass!” Hank Hill tore his shirt open and revealed his muscular chest, causing the crowd to erupt into cheers.

“But what’s this?” the announcer asked.“IT’S EL DRAGON PURPURA!”

Spike, wearing a luchador mask, climbed into the ring, armed with a folded chair. He sprinted up behind Hank and hit him in the back with it, knocking the assistant manager down to the ground. Before the baby dragon could strike once more, Hulk Hogan charged forward and punted him straight into Rarity, sending both flying.

“This is getting intense,” Fluttershy commented.

“Lawl, I know. It kicks ass,” Spiderman said.

An hour later, Hulk Hogan stood over a crushed and beaten Spike, flexing his muscles for the crowds. Hank and Rarity both lay defeated besides him, covered in dirt, blood, and bruises.

“Watch out, Hulk!” someone called out. Rarity rose off the ground and blasted him with her magic, sending him flying out of the ring. Rarity launched up into the air and crashed into him, pinning him. Hulk struggled, but wasn’t able to escape the pin before the ref finished his countdown.

Rarity won.

“Well, that was a good match,” Fluttershy said.

“Lawl 'k,” Spiderman said, not giving a fuck as he opened up another can of Coors and downed it in one go. Fluttershy quickly followed his example.

Spiderman isn’t the best role model.

“So, what now?” the yellow pegasus asked.

The pathetic excuse for a superhero scratched his chin as he thought. “Let’s experiment with black magic,” he finally said.

“Kick ass.”

*knock knock*

Twilight looked away from the M16 that she was cleaning and looked towards the door before stealing a quick glance at her watch

2230.

The Marine groaned, grumbling to herself angrily as she rose off the couch and stomped over to the front door. Upon opening it, she spotted a familiar yellow pegasus and a faggot in red and blue spandex.

“What do you want?” she asked.

“We’re going to experiment with black magic,” the Element of Not Giving a Fuck answered.

Twilight’s ears perked up at this. “Really?”

“Yeah, lawl,” our hero said.

A small smile spread across the Marine’s face. “Then come on in.”

The pair made their way inside as Twilight rushed over to a nearby bookcase, removing an old tome with her magic and tossing it carelessly on the floor.

“What shall we do first?” Twiilight asked, sitting in front of the book and opening it. Fluttershy and our hero sat beside her.

“Um...” Fluttershy began.

“Penis enlargement!” Spiderman shouted out, interrupting the pegasus.

“Let’s do it,” the purple unicorn said, flipping through the tome. "RAINBOW DASH! Get down here!”

“Yes...?” the rainbow-haired librarian asked cautiously as she descended the stairwell.

“Come down here and help us. We need to test something," Twilight replied.

The light-cerulean pegasus shrugged and descended the stairs, walking up to the trio and taking a seat beside the Marine.

While Twilight tried to find a page on penis enlargement, Spiderman decided to make use of his time and do what a Spiderman does.

He turned away from the three mares, reached into his bottoms, and started stealthily fapping.

“...Spiderman...?” Fluttershy asked, noticing this.

“Sneaky wank, lawl,"” he said.

Fluttershy ignored the Spiderman, turning her attention back to Twilight. She continued flipping through her tome before stopping about halfway through the old book “Ah hah! Penis enlargement!” Twilight exclaimed. After a few moments of reading, she turned on the oblivious librarian seated next to her, her horn glowing with a black aura.

Rainbow Dash glanced over, noticing this. “TWILIGHT, WHAT THE FUCK?!” she demanded angrily, “DON’T POINT THAT AT ME!”

It was too late. The spell activated as Rainbow Dash was hit by a blast of magic, sending her flying across the room and into a wall. As she sat there, stunned by the impact, a small bump started to grow on her forehead. At first, it appeared to just be an injury caused by the pegasus crashing into the wall. However, the bump continued to grow and started to morph into a tube-like shape.

“No way.” Twilight's eye twitched.

A fully-erect five-foot cock had sprouted out of the librarian’s head. She glanced up to see why her head was suddenly so heavy and screeched at the sight of the giant pecker growing out of her forehead, before the
weight of the cock caused her to fall face-first into the ground.

“That’s fucking hilarious!” Fluttershy exclaimed. She and our hero went into hysterics, falling over each other as they laughed to their hearts' content. A small chuckle escaped the purple unicorn's mouth before she too joined them in their hysterics.

“Get it off!” Rainbow Dash cried.

“No, no, this is too precious!” Twilight slammed her hooves on the floor as she continued to laugh.

“Quit playing!” the librarian protested., pouting.

“...Fine.” Twilight took a breath and regained her composure before sneaking a peek at the book. “It says that it should wear off in a minute or two if accidentally inflicted on something that does not have a penis... and to seek immediate medical attention if it last more than four hours.”

“Great," Dash grumbled.

“Cheer up, at least you can brag about how you make Big Mac look like Pipsqueak,” Fluttershy said, smirking as she patted the librarian on the back.

“You’re not helping...” Rainbow Dash mumbled under her breath.

“I don’t give a fuck,” Fluttershy said, before turning back to Twilight. “What next?”

“Summoning?” the unicorn suggested.

“I can dig it, lawl," Spiderman said.

“Ready?” Rainbow Dash asked, watching as Spiderman and Fluttershy kicked the massive dong that grew out of her forehead and fell off minutes later back and forth.

“Ready.” Twilight nodded as she finished creating the summoning circle, which a small smiley face drawn with the blood of our hero. Why he did it, no one knows. Probably thought he was going to score.

“Alright Spidey, do your stuff,” Fluttershy ordered.

“Lawl k,” he replied, walking over to the summoning circle. He bit his thumb, running his blood across the “contract”, that would make whatever arose from the summoning circle serve our hero.

“Say the magic words, Spidey,” Twilight prompted.

“Summoning justu!” our hero exclaimed, forming the boar, dog, bird, monkey, and ram signs with his hand and placing his hand on the summoning circle. “Believe it, lawl.”

The ground shook violently as a cloud of smoke appeared over the summoning circle. The sound of nails or claws tapping against the floor impatiently filled the air. Moments later, the smoke faded away, evealing what our hero had summoned.

It was a tall, slender reptilian, sporting a black top hat and what appeared to be a scouter. On his lips was a neatly trimmed mustache, similar to Joseph Stalin’s mustache. The creature grinned, revealing a set of large and extremely sharp teeth.

It was a fucking velociraptor. They summoned a fucking velociraptor.

“Kick ass,” Fluttershy commented.

The raptor walked towards our hero and genuflected before him. “Are you my master?” he asked, sounding exactly like Nigel Thornberry.

“Probably, lawl,” Spiderman responded in his usual fashion.

“Smashing! My name is--”

“Your name is Fluffles,” our hero stated.

“Sir Lance the--wait, what?”

“Your--name--is--Fluffles,” Spiderman repeated.

“That’s not my name,” the velociraptor said, frowning.

Our hero shrugged.

“Whatever,” the raptor said. “Since you have summoned me, it is my duty to serve you until the contract is void.”

“Bitchin’.”

“Now, what shall I do for you?” he asked.

“I dunno, lawl. Let’s drink some beer.”

Fluffles raised a brow. “I’m a velociraptor with an unmatched magical and hand-to-hand combat ability, and you want to drink beer with you?”

“Sure, lawl,” our hero responded.

“Why not?” Fluttershy interjected.

The raptor shrugged. “Basically every master I had used me as their personal assassin. To be honest, this is the first time I’ve been asked to simply... what’s the word they are using now a days... chill, is it?”

“Bummer,” Rainbow Dash commented, watching the raptor with fascination.

“You’re my bro, Fluffles. Lawl. Now, brofist me and pop open a beer,” Spiderman prompted, opening up a can of Coors and extending his fist out to the velociraptor.

“I’m your... bro?” asked Fluffles.

Our hero nodded.

Fluffles the gentlemanly raptor smiled, bumping his claw against our hero’s outstretched hand. “Bully!”

Le fin.

A day in Cunterlot (End of Act II)

60’s Era Spiderman swung from high rise to high rise, having finally remembered how to shot web. There were no ponies. There were no dragons chasing him and trying to make a quick meal out of him. No cockblocking super villains. Nothing.

Our hero didn’t particularly care. He was getting laid. Today.

“SPIDERMAN!” Lex Luther (because fuck you, that’s why) called out, “I’M GOING TO BLOW UP THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING.”

“I don’t give a fuck. Lawl.” Our hero retorted as he continued to swing through Badly Animated New York City.

Minutes later, he found himself outside Mary Jane’s apartment. After rapping his knuckles on the door, it opened, revealing the red head in some revealing white lingerie, a lit blunt hanging loosely from her fingers.

“Lawl hi.” Spiderman said.

“Hey.” She said, waving our hero inside.

“Sweet.” He commented as he made his way inside.

Our hero made his way over to a nearby couch and sat on it, turning on the TV and switching to House M.D.

Because there are only three good things in this world: Weed, sex, and House.

Mary Jane sat beside our hero, undoing his pants and leaning down slightly. “You’re getting some fuck.” She said.

“Bitchin’.” Our hero said.

Getting a blowjob while watching House? How much better could this get?

“Oh, and there’s some weed and Dr. Pepper on the table. It’s all yours.” The red head said, motioning to the coffee table in front our hero.

Alright, now his life was complete. And nothing could ruin this moment-

“SPIDERMAN!” Fluttershy shouted right in our hero’s ear, “WAKE THE FUCK UP.”

Spiderman groaned. “Fuck off yellow hush. I’m trying get laid.”

“Piss off. Power Rangers are on.” She said, pushing our hero off the couch and hopping onto it, flipping on her TV and changing it to Power Rangers.

“Go go Power Rangers!” the show’s theme blasted from the yellow Pegasus’s surround sound speaker system.

Realizing that it was hopeless and he wouldn’t be able to experience the best dream ever, Spiderman sat beside the diminutive yellow pony. Fluttershy tossed our hero a can of Mountain Dew, which he caught like a boss and popped open.

“That green ranger sure can kick some ass.” Fluttershy commented.

“Lawl yeah.” Our hero responded, finishing off the can in one go.

“So, what’s on the agenda today?” the yellow Pegasus asked after watching several minutes of multi-colored teenagers kicking ass with cheap explosions going off every other second.

“Huffing paint?” Spiderman asked.

“No, we did that yesterday.”

“Oh yeah, lawl.”

After several minutes of thinking, Fluttershy’s head popped up. “Let’s go fuck up Canterlot.”

“Bitchin’.”

As Fluttershy and Spiderman made their way to the front door, Fluffles, whom was sleeping on a mattress beside our hero, poked his head up and looked their way.

“Do you wish for me to join you?” he asked.

“It’s not necessary.” Fluttershy replied.

“Very well then. I shall stay here and watch House.” the raptor replied, hopping onto the couch and turning on the TV.

“It’s not lupus.” our hero said.

“It never is,” the gentlemanly reptile responded with a sigh, “farewell, my friends!”

“Dunna nuna nuna nuna nuna nuna Batman!” Spiderman exclaimed as he raced through the Canterlot mane gates and kicked a random noble as hard as he could in his testicles.

“WHAT THE FUCK?!” the noble shouted, falling to the ground and clutching his groin, writhing in pain.

“FUCK YOU I’M BATMAN.” our hero said, kicking the noble in the stomach.

“Um... you’re Spiderman.” Fluttershy reminded our hero.

“Oh yeah lawl.”

“Come on, let’s go fuck with those guards who can’t do anything but just stand there.” Fluttershy said.

The pair made their way towards the palace, our hero kicking a few more nobles in the sack for the hell of it. As they looked up at the palace towering over them, Fluttershy spotted one of the famous Royal Guards, known for their unmatched discipline and being able to stand around for hours on end without moving.

This was going to be fun.

“Come on, Spidey.” Fluttershy prompted.

“Lawl k.” our hero said, pulling a Red Bull out of Fluttershy’s saddlebags and downing it in seconds.

“Sup faggot?” the diminutive yellow pegasus asked the Guard as she walked up to him, our hero in tow.

He didn’t respond.

“Not talking? Your mom didn’t make a lot of noise either, after I killed her and raped her rotting corpse.” Fluttershy said.

The guard blinked, but still didn’t speak.

Fluttershy scratched her chin. “Spiderman, execute maneuver whiskey tango foxtrot six.”

“Go go gadget dick!” Spiderman exclaimed, pulling out his cock and bitch slapping the guard with it.

Still nothing.

“I said six, not eight, Spidey.” Fluttershy said.

“Oh yeah, lawl.” he responded, watching as the yellow pegasus next to him walked next to the guard and lifted up her leg.

The two nodded to each other, before they simultaneously started pissing in the guard’s face.

“OW! FUCK! IT’S IN MY FUCKING EYES! I THINK I’VE GONE BLIND!” the guard finally spoke up, screeching in pain.

“Lawl faggot.” our hero said as they walked away from the guard. Fluttershy turned and ran towards the guard, bucking him in the dick with all her strength and catching up our hero.

“Spiderman, Fluttershy!” a regal voice called out.

The two looked up in the sky to see Princess- wait, no- Empress Luna glide down to them and land beside them.

“Good to see some bros here. Everypony in Canterlot are assholes. I would have them all killed if I didn’t make billions off them.” the empress said, extended her hoof at to the two. They immediately bumped their fist/hoof against it.

“Luna, my nigga, how are you?” Fluttershy asked.

“All is good in the neighborhood, my friend.” Luna responded, “Let’s go get some fucking waffles and catch up.”

“Fuck yeah!” Spiderman proclaimed.

“WE DEMAND WAFFLES!” Empress Luna declared as she, 60’s Era Spiderman, and the Element of Not Giving a Fuck entered the Canterlot Wafflehouse.

The hostess walked up to the empress, shaking like Japan in the 21st Century and looking like she was about to shit herself. “G-good evening, e-empress. C-choose any s-s-seat you want.”

Spiderman walked past the hostess and his companions and approached the table near the center of the room, where a group of nobles were eating.

“What do you want, peasant?” one dared ask our hero.

Spiderman pulled out his cock and aimed it at the group of nobles.

The jaws of the nobles gathered at the table immediately dropped.

“Get out.” our hero prompted.

“We’ll do no such thing!” another noble spoke up.

Our hero cocked his cock. “GTFO!” he shouted.

“Oh shit nigga, I think he’s serious.” the original noble said, prompting him and his companions to abandon their seats and got the fuck out of the Wafflehouse as quickly as possible.

Laughing at the faggy rich ponies, the trio quickly took their seats, Spiderman knocking their dishes onto the floor and folding his hands on the table.

“Good job, Spidey.” Luna complemented.

Spiderman shrugged.

After a few ponies swept away the broken dishes away from the table, shooting our hero dirty looks, a preppy looking pony with a nice flank made her way over to the table. “Hi! I’m Cotton Candy, and I’ll be your waitress today!” she said with a bright smile.

“Waffles, pls.” Luna said.

“Fuck yeah.” Fluttershy said, “Let’s get some waffles up in this bitch.”

“Three orders of waffles coming right up!” the waitress said, turning a 180 and walking away.

“So Spiderman... may I ask you a question?” Luna asked.

“What?”

“...do you not give a fuck, still?” she asked.

Our hero took a deep breath and stared deeply at the empress. “A lot of people ask me... am I afraid of death?”

Luna looked at him with a sort of ‘what the fuck’ face.

“Hell yeah I’m afraid of death. I don’t wanna die yet.” he went on.

“...what does this have to do with anything?” the empress asked Fluttershy. She responded with a shrug.

“A lot of people think that I worship the devil. That I do all types of retarded shit.”

“...but you do.” Fluttershy interjected. Our hero didn’t respond to this.

“Look, I can’t change the way I think. I can’t change the way I am,” he continued, “But if I offended you, good. Because I still don’t give a fuck.”

“...I guess that answers my inquiry.” Luna said. She could tell he was smirking at her under that mask.

Suddenly, the doors of the Wafflehouse flung open, and in crept Fluffles the gentlemanly velociraptor. He looked around and spotted the trio sitting in the center of the restaurant and quickly moonwalked his way over to them.

“Sup?” our hero asked him.

“Well, I was strolling through the streets and spotted that castle in the distance," he said, taking a seat and pointing to the palace out the window, "so I decided to go check it out to see if there were any free maidens around, and I spotted you three making your way into this establishment."

"I GOT YOUR FUCKING WAFFLES! HERP DERP!" a half-retarded stallion announced as slammed a plate with dozens of waffles into the middle of the table. The waitress then set out some plates before the four and walked away.

"Waffles?" the raptor asked, picking up his fork and stabbing the top waffle, before bringing it up to his face and scanning it with his scouter. After curiously sniffing it, he shrugged and took a large bite out of it.

"Not bad," he said, tossing the half-eaten waffle aside (which exploded on impact with the ground off-screen), "what's in it?"

"It's got waffle in them lawl." our hero responded.

"...you fucking liar."

Our hero, his gentlemanly talking velociraptor companion, and the two mares accompanying him sat there shooting the shit and eating waffles all day long. By the time they left, night had already fallen. As much as Spiderman wanted to continue screwing around and kicking rich assholes in the dick, it was getting late.

Luna left that party son after they left the Wafflehouse, and after kicking a few more ponies in the balls, our hero, Fluffles, and Fluttershy made their way back to the yellow pegasus's cottage on the edge of Ponyville.

As Spiderman settled in his bed/couch for the night, he wondered to himself what he would do tomorrow.

That's up for the reader to decide. Sucks to be him.

Choose what our hero will do in the next chapter:

()Go out clubbing with the talking velociraptor gentleman and Lyra

()Go chill with Discord and his bitch

()Go to the new bar in town with Twilight and get drunk

()Troll the everlasting shit out of Rainbow Dash the hot librarian

()Bake with Pinkie Pie. Acquire money and pot brownies

()Torture Celestia with Luna for teh lulz

()Read the Poop That Took a Pee to the children down at the Ponyville Schoolhouse

()Smoke weed with Applejack and help her take down some rival dealers

()Play video games with Spike

()Teach Fluffles the meaning of friendship

()Teach Fluttershy how to french kiss

()Volunteer at a cripple pony school with Fluttershy and attempt to score

If you don't get it, check out the author's notes.

Author's Notes:

From now on, what happens in the next chapter will be decided by the readers. At the end of the previous chapter, there will be a series of options for the readers to choose from. A day or two later, the votes will be tallied and I'll use the option chosen to write a new chapter. Each main character has an option available. If a character's option is chosen, his/her option will be replaced by his next option. Once all the character's options are maxed out, the story ending will be released.

Certain choices will also unlock addition story arcs.

Also, this is the end of the first season. Meaning I'm taking a week break. So fill free to vote to your heart's desire.

I still don't give a fuck (Beginning of Act III)

"Meh." Spiderman said, "I don't give a fuck."

And so our hero slept there all day and night for a week, before deciding that he should go do something.

And what is that?

Find out next chapter.

Author's Notes:

Psst... choosing more than one option just makes your vote worthless.

How a nigga in spandex not gonna like BDSM?

...fuck it.

Our hero sat up in his "bed" and grabbed the remote, switched on the telly, and brought up the On Demand menu.

While he flipped through the hundreds of movies available to him free of charge because Spiderman threatened to detonate a bomb in the cable company's headquarters if they didn't give him free cable, a cute yawn broke the morning silence.

60's Era Spiderman shot a quick glance to the yellow pegasus making her way downstairs, sending a small nod her way.

"Hay." he greeted.

A newly awaken gentlemanly raptor giggle snorted from below. "Hay is for horses, ole' chap." he said.

"Sup homies?" the Element of Not Giving a Fuck responded as she made her way to the kitchen, flung the fridge door open and grabbed a McHot Dog and a mountain dew, before making her way over to our hero's couch and plopping down beside him.

"Not giving a fuck." Spiderman responded, before pounding his fist against the yellow ponies hoof.

"Let's watch that Judge Dredd movie." Fluttershy said as she ate her hotdog in a very seductive manner.

"The most recent one?" Fluffles asked.

"Nah man. The one with Sylvester Stallone. It's so bad it's good." the yellow pegasus answered.

"Bitchin'."

"Bully!"

"I AM THE LAW!" Dredd shouted at Rico.

"LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW!" Rico shouted back.

Our hero and Fluttershy looked at each other. "LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW!!!" they shouted at each other.

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door.

"Fluffles." our hero prompted.

"On it." he said, running over the door.

After a few moments, the raptor called out. "IT'S A NIGGA IN A PURPLE SUIT!"

"OH SHIT!" Spiderman shouted, rolling under a table and hiding.

The raptor walked in with Empress Luna and looked at our hero, before cracking up.

"That's too precious!" the raptor said, balling over and rolling around the floor, laughing his ass off.

An amused smile crept onto the empresses lips. "Indeed."

Our hero crawled out from under the table and bitch slapped the laughing raptor. "Sup?" he asked the empress.

"I'm going to smoke weed and drink mountain dew while I torture my sister because we eviscerate her tomorrow in the name of the law." she responded.

"THE LAW?!" Spiderman asked.

"THE LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW!" the blue alicorn responded.

"LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW!"

"LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW!"

"LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW!"

"ARE YOU A FRIEND OF JUSTICE, SPIDERMAN?!" the empress asked.

"Bitch, I might be."

"Then would you like to join me?" she asked.

"I don't give a fuck lawl."

The empress looked at him confusedly.

"That means yes." Fluttershy said.

"Oh. Come along then, Spidey!" she said.

"Lawl k." he said as he followed her outside.

As the door closed behind them, Fluffles the talking gentlemanly raptor turned towards the Element of Not Giving a Fuck. "So what do we do now, ole' chap?"

"Nigga, we gonna get our game on." she said. She hopped off the couch and opened a nearby cabinet, and, with a twinkle in her eye, pulled out a Jenga box.

"Smashing!" Fluffles exclaimed.

A half an hour later, our hero found himself in Empress Luna's room, expertly rolling two blunts and handing one to the empress and taking the other one for himself.

"Thank you very much." she said, lighting it and taking a nice long drag of it, holding it in for around twenty to thirty seconds, then letting it all out.

"Sharing is caring lawl." our hero said, watching the empress go. Taking this a challenge, our hero lit up his blunt and took an equally long drag, then holding it in for a full four hundred and twenty seconds. Impossible? You do remember this guy drank an entire pint of straight vodka like twenty chapters ago, right?

"Impressive," Luna commented with a light giggle as our hero let it all out.

"Meh. I've done better." our hero said, "Wu-Tang Clan ain't nothing to fuck with."

"Quite right." the blue alicorn responded.

There was a small knock at the door.

"Who is it?" Luna asked.

The door opened, revealing a Royal Guard. He was clad in all black and wore a blue plate carrier, which was the new standard look for the Royal Guards.

"Empress, the prisoner is ready." the guard said.

"Excellent. Are you ready, Spiderman?" the blue alicorn asked.

"My body is ready." he responded.

"Great. Lead the way, guard."

Fluttershy very carefully removed a jenga stick from the tower and placed it aside.

This was it.

The tower stood for another five seconds, before falling apart like the White House's Benghazi story.

"Bully! I win!"

"Hacks! I demand a rematch!" Fluttershy called out.

The couple quickly reassembled the jenga tower.

"Ladies first." Fluffles said.

"Why thank you." she said with a smile, before pulling out a piece of the tower.

Seconds later, it failed just like Fukashima's nuclear reactors, crashing to the floor like house's during Hurricane Katrina.

"BULLSHIT!" Fluttershy screeched.

"Haha!" the raptor laughed.

"FUCK YOU!" Fluttershy shouted as she tackled the velociraptor to the ground.

"Here she is." their guide said, opening a large blast door and revealing a large chamber. Inside it lay a dirty and beaten white alicorn, tied to the ground with heavy chains.

Slowly, her head lifted towards the open door way, her large soulless eyes penetrating through the darkness.

The guard, whom was visibly unnerved, quickly made his exit.

The white alicorn blinked, staring at the empress. "Hello, sister." she greeted.

"Hello, Celestia." the blue alicorn responded.

Her eyes turned to our hero. Seconds later, her soulless gaze turned into one of hunger, and her voice turned to a more mischievous and lustful tone. "Who's your friend?" she asked.

"I'm Rick James, bitch. Lawl." our hero responded.

"He's Spiderman." Luna said.

"Oooooooooooooo~! Lil' Luna has a coltfriend? Whatever, I'll just fuck him like every other colt you've-"

The empress walked forward and promptly bitch slapped the white alicorn, the force behind the blow managing the knock out a few of her teeth.

"Oh snap!" Spiderman exclaimed.

"You shut your whore mouth!" Luna shouted in the smug white alicorn's face, before kicking her in the side, eliciting a moan of both pain and pleasure from the white alicorn.

"Yes! Harder!" Celestia squealed, before coughing violently. Some blood splattered onto the floor below.

"Yay! Violence!" Spiderman exclaimed, kicking the former princess in the face, dislocating her jaw and sending several of her teeth flying.

"Hahahahaha!" the white alicorn laughed with her eyes closed. Upon finishing her laugh, her eyes opened, and stream of tears rolled down her cheeks. Her eyes no longer looked hungry or lustful... but rather pathetic, sad, and tired.

A shaky white hoof dipped into the pool of blood forming below her and started writing on a dry spot in the nearby floor.

Once she finished, the two could make out the words 'kill me' in the blood.

Luna's face turned to a neutral expression as she started at these words. "A few months before you showed up, a demon spirit known as the Anti-Spice showed up in Equestria and possessed my sister. She used to be the kindest pony in Equestria... but once she was possessed, she turned into a vile dictator who had an unquenchable thirst for sex and molestation. The people soon revolted with the assistance of most of our military and me."

She slowly approached the crying, white alicorn and lifted her chin up, staring into her sad eyes. "What you are now seeing is the true Celestia. We would get rid of the demon... but as we learned, the only way to kill it is to kill the host. Otherwise, it'll go off and oppress somepony else. Celestia and I have always been firm believers in the saying 'the needs of many outweigh the needs of the few.'"

The empress reached under her long cloak and produced a handgun, putting it to her sister's head.

"I'm sorry, sister." she said, sniffling. "I will always love you."

The white alicorns lips moved, mouthing the words 'thank you'.

*BANG*

"YOU BITCH!"

"I'LL KILL YOU!"

The raptor and the yellow pegasus rolled around the floor, both desperately trying to pin the other down and gain dominance. Neither of them were truly serious about this, as if it were an actual fight, the gentlemanly raptor could easily tear the yellow pegasus to shreds, and the Element of Not Giving a Fuck could have simply reached for the handgun taped to the bottom of the table and busted a cap into the reptiles ass.

After a few more more of wrestling, Fluttershy managed to pin the raptor to the floor.

"Good show, ole' chap. Jolly good show." the raptor complemented.

"Mhmm." Fluttershy said, before her face turned into one of curiousity, "Say Fluffles... do raptors even have penis's?"

"Hmm... in my home dimension, me and my kind do." the raptor responded, looking up at the yellow pegasus confusedly.

"So you have a penis?"

"Correct."

"Good."

Before Fluffles the talking gentlemanly raptor could even ask what the pegasus meant by this, she leaned down and pressed her soft lips against his scaly lips, silencing him.

By the time our hero returned to Fluttershy's cottage, it was already dark. His head light from the smoking and drinking after Luna executed her own sister, he opened the door and made his way over to his bed/couch and plopped down on it.

"So, how was it?" Fluffles asked from his doggie bed beside the couch.

"She killed her sister then we smoked pot. Not like I give a fuck. Just an average day for me. Lawl." he answered.

"Bully!"

The two lay there in silence, staring up at the ceiling above.

"I fucked your best friend!" the raptor blurted out.

"WHAT?!"

CHOOSE YOUR PATH, WARRIOR!

()Go out clubbing with the talking velociraptor gentleman and Lyra

()Go chill with Discord and his bitch

()Go to the new bar in town with Twilight and get drunk

()Troll the everlasting shit out of Rainbow Dash the hot librarian

()Bake with Pinkie Pie. Acquire money and pot brownies

()Read the Poop That Took a Pee to the children down at the Ponyville Schoolhouse

()Smoke weed with Applejack and help her take down some rival dealers

()Play video games with Spike

()Teach Fluffles the meaning of friendship

()Teach Fluttershy how to french kiss THEN GET FRIENDZONED BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T DO THIS FIRST

()Volunteer at a cripple pony school with Fluttershy and attempt to score

The Poop That Took a Pee, narrated by a faggot in spandex

The sun slowly rose of the town of Ponyville, the sun's rays flooding in through the windows of Fluttershy's cottage. As the rays touched our hero's face, he lurched forward and aimed his arms at the window, putting one of those fingers on each hand up.

"Fuck you, Sun!" he exclaimed,

He quickly rose up off his couch/bed and quickly snorted a line of cocaine from the nearby table, then opened up a can of red bull, quickly mixed it up with some Mountain Dew, and downed it in one go.

"HELL YEAH! YOU PARTY HARD OLE' CHAP!" the newly awaken gentlemanly raptor exclaimed.

"FUCK YEAH! IT'S THE ONLY WAY!"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP, I'M TRYING TO SLEEP!" Fluttershy shouted from upstairs.

"Lawl k." Spiderman said, getting up from his bed/couch and making his way into the kitchen. He opened up the kitchen and pulled out a leftover breakfast burrito Spiderman had made using a pancake as a tortilla. Don't try this shit at home, kids. It'll give you a heart attack.

By the time 60's Era Spiderman started to dig into his pancake breakfast burrito and Fluffles got started on a bowl of cheerios, a visibly pissed off Fluttershy made her way into the kitchen, a bottle of whiskey in hoof.

"Morning sunshine," Fluffles greeted.

"Eat a dick lizard," she responded, taking a swig of her whiskey and tossing it across the room, the bottle exploding offscreen.

"We gotta a bleeder lawl." Spiderman said.

Fluttershy sat at the dining room table beside her two companions and pouted in a manner that would turn the meanest person into Mr. Rogers and likely give them diabeetus in the process. "Am not!" she said, "I just wanted to sleep in today."

"Lawl like I give a fuck." our hero said, finishing off his burrito.

Before Fluttershy could tell him when he could shove his lack of fucks, there was a knock at the door.

"Fluttershy, could you-" Fluffles began to ask.

"I'm on break. I'm in the union. I don't do shit for nobody." Fluttershy said.

"Meh." Spiderman said, rising from his seat and making his way over to front door.

"Moshi moshi!" he said as he opened the door. There stood a carise earth pony with a pink mane and an ass tattoo with three flowers. And dayum, she had a booty.

"Oh, hello Mr. Spiderman." the bootylicious mare greeted with a smile.

"Hay." he responded.

"My name is Cheerlee, and I teach at the schoolhouse down the road. My students have idolized you since you and your friends took out those terrorists, and I was wondering if you could come in and read to them."

"I can't read lawl." he lied.

"Oh please, Mr. Spiderman? You can read anything to them that you want."

Our looked behind her and got a good look at her booty.

UNF!

"Anything?" he asked.

"Yes. Anything." she responded.

"Lawl k." he said.

"Oh thank you! You don't know how much this means to me- I mean will mean to the children. Stop by anytime!" she said as she turned around and trotted away.

As our hero closed the door, his raptor bro appeared from behind him. "Do she got a booty, ole' chap?"

"She doooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo." Spiderman responded.

Around noon, our hero arrived on the scene with his raptor companion in tow and book in hand. It was apparently lunch time for the schoolchildren, as most were out frolicing about.

"Woah! Is that Spiderman!?" one of the kids asked to the others in the general area.

"Of course it is. Who else dresses and walks like that? Who let you out of the retard classroom anyways?" another kid responded.

"I dunno durrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr." the original kid responded.

"Spiderman! Over here!" a familiar voice called out.

Spiderman looked around like a fucktard before spotting a familiar teacher heading over to them from the playground area.

"My word. She does have a booty." Fluffles exclaimed in shock, his jaw dropping at the sight of that bootylicious booty.

"Unf." Spiderman said, biting his bottom lip and putting on a pair of sunglasses. Where did he get it? Well, the smell would be a pretty good hint.

"I'm so glad you decided to show, Spiderman. Who's your friend?" she asked

"He's Fluffles." our hero responded.

"Fluffles? But he's a dragon." Cheerilee said, looking at the faggot dressed in red and blue spandex with a perplexed expression.

"Well, actually, I'm a velociraptor," the raptor spoke up, "and my name isn't Fluffles, it's Sir-"

"Fluffles." Spiderman said, interrupting the gentlemanly raptor.

"A thousand curses upon you, Spiderman!" Fluffles said, aiming his arms at the "superhero" and bringing up one finger on each claw.

"Like I give a fuck lawl."

"So, what book did you bring?" the teacher asked, reaching for the book. Spiderman immediately did a double backflip and shot his hand out in a stop motion.

"He wants it to be a surprise." Spiderman's raptor bro said.

"Oh... well, I guess that's fun, right? I'm sure your choice won't disappoint."

After that, Cheerilee escorted the human and the talking velociraptor to the teacher's lounge, where the two chilled and drank coffee while they waited for the bootylicious teacher to get the class ready and come get them. After a few minutes, a pink haired mare poked her head through the door.

"Mr. Spiderman, are you ready?" she inquired.

"My body is ready." our hero responded as he and his talking velociraptor companion rose from their seats and followed the teacher out the door. Several moments later, our hero found himself outside of a closed door. The sounds of battle children talking, shouting, and laughing emanated from inside the room.

"I'll be just a moment." she said with a smile as she opened the door and made her way in.

"Class! Quiet down!" the teacher called out.

The noise quickly died down and the children turned their attention to the teacher.

"Today, we have a very special guest. He will be reading a book of his choice to you. I'm sure you'll enjoy it."

"Booooooooooooooooooooooooooooooriiiiiiiiiiiiiiing!" a pony sporting a diamond tiara exclaimed, preforming a fake yawn.

"BITCH, SAY THAT AGAIN AND I'LL GO IN THERE AND SNAP YOUR FUCKING NECK!" Spiderman bellowed from outside the classroom. The smug filly suddenly appeared like she was going to shit herself.

Cheerilee smiled meekly. "Class, introducing our guest reader for the day, Spiderman!"

Music started playing out of fucking no where as Spiderman moonwalked into the room and did a spin before the class, clutching his groin.

"Hee hee!" he exclaimed.

"WOAH!"

"IT'S SPIDERMAN!"

"Miss Cheerilee, Ah think Diamond Tiara just shit herself."

"IS THAT A DRAGON?!"

"For the last time, I'm not a dragon, I'm a velociraptor!" Fluffles exclaimed as he walked in and stood beside our hero, who struck a heroic pose.

"This my nigga, Fluffles. Everyone say hi Fluffles." Spiderman said.

"Hi Fluffles." the class, save for one student who smelt of shit, greeted. Fluffles bowed before the class.

"Hi kids! Do you like violence?" our hero inquired.

"Yeah yeah yeah." the kids responded.

"Wanna see me stick Nine Inch Nails through each one of my eyelids?"

"Uh-huh!"

"Wanna copy me and do exactly like I did?" (

"Yeah yeah!"

"Try 'cid and get fucked up worse that my life is?"

"Huh?" the kids all asked in unison. Cheerilee's eye twitched.

"Errr... Spiderman..."

"Oh right, lawl." our hero said, as he pulled a fold out out of fucking no where and extended it with a single shake. He sat down in it and opened up his book.

"I'm going to read the Poop That Took a Pee to you. Lawl." our hero said.

"Chapter one..." he began.

"Douglas had to poop, his butt was all stinky because he had to poop so badly. There was a gross woman named Rebecca who was sunbathing all naked and she was fat. Douglas walked up to her and said, 'I need to poop'."

"'Okay', Rebecca replied, 'I like poop'. Douglas squatted down over the fat sunbathing lady and went poop. The poop sat there on Rebecca's boobs, looking like a weiner."

'"Why are we here?'", Douglas cried as poop came out his weiner in a long thin strip, it was weiner-poop, which is the grossest poop of all. The peepee got on the woman's leg and she screamed, pooping out her boobs. And so when the pee got mixed with the poop it smelled like a butt."

"And the poop and the pee lived happily ever after." our hero said as he slammed the book shut and pegged a sleeping diamond tiara wearing filly in the head. "THE END! Lawl."

Everyone in the room, save from a diamond tiara wearing bitch whom was suffering from head trauma, clapped and cheered for our hero. As he struck a pose, the bell ringed, signalling the end of school.

"See you all tomorrow, class! Dismissed!" Cheerilee said. The class cheered, packed up, and trampled the diamond tiara wearing brat as they raced out of the room.

The bootylicious teacher turned to our hero. "I had my doubts in the beginning... and that book was quite disgusting, but I'm happy with how it turned out. Would you mind coming to help out every so often?" she asked.

Spiderman stole a quick peak at her booty. Unf! DAT ASS!

"Lawl k." he said.

"Great! I'll come get you if I ever need anything from you."

"K." he said, before turning to his dino companion, "Let's bounce."

So the two left and went home, then spent the rest of the day watching House and Power Rangers with Fluttershy, with plenty of beer, mountain dew, and pizza.

CHOOSE YOUR PATH, WATCHER OF GIRLY PONIES!

()Go out clubbing with the talking velociraptor gentleman and Lyra

()Go chill with Discord and his bitch

()Go to the new bar in town with Twilight and get drunk

()Troll the everlasting shit out of Rainbow Dash the hot librarian

()Bake with Pinkie Pie. Acquire money and pot brownies

()Smoke weed with Luna then play some Haylo with her (LUNA TIER 2 UNLOCKED)

()Smoke weed with Applejack and help her take down some rival dealers

()Play video games with Spike

()Teach Fluffles the meaning of friendship

()Teach Fluttershy how to french kiss THEN GET FRIENDZONED BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T DO THIS FIRST

()Volunteer at a cripple pony school with Fluttershy and attempt to score

PSA #1: Your vote counts!

"Hi, I'm Pinkie Pie!" Pinkie Pie said excitedly as she waved violently at the camera.

"And I'm Sir- ...er... Fluffles!" Fluffles said with a casual wave.

"And we're here with an important PSA!" the pink party pony said, leaning down and snorting up a long line of cocaine. "I LOVE COCAINE!"

"Indeed we are, Pinkie Pie. As you may have noticed, MarineMarksman has recently unveiled a voting system to choose where the story goes from here on out. He has over eighty chapters planned-"

"Wait just a minute! Did you say eight chapters?!" Pinkie Pie inquired.

"Eighty chapters." the raptor confirmed.

"Eighty chapters?" Pinkie inquired again, obviously not believing him.

"Yes, eighty chapters."

"Eighty?"

"Yes, eighty..." he repeated, getting sick of this shit.

"Eighty...?"

The raptor turned to the pink pony and bared his teeth at her. "I'll get you, and I'll make it look like a bloody accident."

Pinkie Pie zipped (literally) her lips tight and winked at him.

"As I was saying, MarineMarksman has over eighty chapters planned for the rest of this story. However, some of these might not be used. Some of these might be altered." the raptor continued.

"Why's that?" Pinkie asked.

"Because of how you vote." Fluffles answered. "When you people vote for a certain option, it will effect other options. For example, since you chose torturing Celestia with Luna, you can no longer advance your relationship with Fluttershy beyond friends with benefits because she is now in a relationship with me. The plot for Fluttershy has now been updated, the original options having been replaced with friend ones. You can no longer do a Fluttershy ending either."

"Sucks bro." the pink pony said.

"Not for me. But it does indeed suck for the readers. If you continue to advance the plot of a female character's storyline, Spiderman may eventually develop a romantic relationship with her. Your relationship with her could end other paths too, though Spiderman will likely have a minor harem of women by the time MarineMarksman gets to the finale."

"But Fluffles, what about the male character options?" Pinkie Pie asked.

"The storylines of male and other characters that you won't be shipped with, such as the cutie mark crusaders (coming soon), may help advance the plots of other characters. For instance, hanging out with Spike will not only advance your broship with him, but will also get Rainbow Dash and possible other characters to like you more for being a "good" role model."

"Spiderman, a good role model? That's impossible!" Pinkie Pie cried.

"You're not just wrong, you're stupid." Fluffles said.

"Now just wait a minute-"

"And you're ugly, just like your mom."

"...did you just call my mother ugly?"

"Shut up!" the raptor hissed. "I mean it, I will end you!"

"But-"

As the raptor pounced upon the pink pony, Spiderman flipped the channel for Fox, where a new episode of House was playing.

"Lawl. It's never lupus." he said.

Author's Notes:

VOTE EVERYONE VOTE!

See the last chapter (The Poop That Took a Pee, narrated by a faggot in spandex) for the options.

Of Libraries and Dildos

After a morning with nothing interesting to report, our hero found himself with Fluttershy and Fluffles watching TV on in the living room. There was a Burn Notice marathon on-

-Unf-

-And he intended on watching it.

Then, suddenly, Burn Notice turned off, and the face of some filthy noble came up on the screen. "Hello there, I'm the president of TV, and I'm here with an important message for you, the viewers."

"WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT?!" Spiderman demanded.

"Child obesity rates have skyrocketed in the past. Here's a picture of one of these many obese foals."

As he said this, his face momentarily replaced by a picture of an extremely fat kid.

"I mean, look at him," the president of TV said as his face reappeared, "he's such a disgusting fat fuck. Tell me you would look at him and say, damn, that kid needs to lose some fucking weight."

"So, in the interest of forcing your fat asses to go outside and get some fucking exercise, I'm cutting all networks until obesity rates rise. Internet in Equestria has also been cut off."

Then the president was replaced by a smiley face, with the message 'go outside and get some exercise you fat fucks' displayed over the smile face.

"HOLY SHIT!" Fluttershy exclaimed.

"WHAT THE FUCK?!" our hero demanded.

Fluttershy picked up the remote and started flipping through channels.

"It's all the same! What the hell- oh wait, I found some- oh, that's that stupid Oprah channel. Guess we're fucked." Fluttershy said.

"What now? Lawl." our hero asked.

"You could go read a book." his raptor companion suggested.

"I can't read lawl."

"...you just read the Poop That Took a Pee to some schoolchildren yesterday, you dipshit." Fluttershy said, glancing at our hero strangely.

Our hero held out his hands to the yellow pegasus. "What do you see in this hand?"

"Nothing." she responded.

"Huh, that's funny. I thought I had a fuck there. Oh wait! That's right! I don't give a fuck! Lawl." our hero said.

Books weren't fun. They were boring as fuck. Except for porno mags. Those were the shit. However, all this talk of reading gave our hero a great idea for what he could do till the TV returned either later in the chapter or next chapter.

The town's librarian, Rainbow Dash, was ignorant of the fact that the president of television decided to temporarily shut down every single television network. She rarely watched television. She preferred the feel of a book in her hooves and using her imagination. Besides, even if she did watch TV, she was only just getting up from another long night of reading.

With a cute yawn, she rolled out of her bed and ran into the nearby bathroom. After relieving herself, she made her way into the shower.

Flinching under the temporary torrent of freezing cold water, she smiled warmly as the water began to heat up. Her messy bed mane quickly fell to her shoulders as it gradually more and more drenched.

"I'm walking on sunshine~" she sang as she applied shampoo to her mane, "Wooooooah~"

"I'm walking on sunshine~" Twilight sang along with her as she joined the rainbow maned librarian in the shower, "Wooooooooooooooah~"

"Twilight? What are you doing?" Rainbow Dash inquired, shrinking slightly and covering herself unnecessarily.

"Saving some damn water. My military pension pays the bills." the Marine officer responded as she applied Old Spice body wash, a gift of Spidermans, to her body.

The librarian shrugged it off and awkwardly went back to showering.

"Psst... hey..." a voice whispered from above the two.

"Don't drop the soap..."

"AHH!" the two shouted in surprise and turned around to see Spiderman hanging from the ceiling.

"Hay. Lawl." he greeted.

"SPIDERMAN?! WHAT THE FUCK?!" Twilight bellowed at the Spiderman.

"Trololololol~" he sang as he swung out of the room.

"Ugh..." Rainbow Dash groaned.

"Meh. Celestia did that all the time." Twilight stated as rinsed off and got out of the shower.

After drying off and tying her mane up into a neat bun, Rainbow Dash cautiously exited the bathroom and walked towards her nightstand to grab her-

!

"Twilight?!" she called out.

"Yeah?!" she responded from downstairs.

"Have you seen my glasses?!" she inquired.

"They should be where you left them! I'm heading out! Peace!" she shouted. She heard the front door slam close seconds later.

"...laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawl..." she heard some lawl from underneath her bed.

"Spiderman...?" she asked cautiously as she peaked under the bed.

There was nothing there.

"HEY, RAINBOW DASH!" someone shouted from above.

"Huh?!" she exclaimed in surprise as she glanced up, spotting our hero hanging from the ceiling with a familiar looking run down cardboard box.

"I FOUND YOUR BOX OF COCKS!" he said as he opened it, causing a couple dozen dildos in a variety of sizes and colors to rain down on the rainbow maned pegasus.

The rainbow maned pegasus continued to stare up at our hero, before slowly turning her gaze to the sea of dildos surrounding her.

"Lawl I got you." Spiderman said.

There was no response from the light cerulean pegasus.

"Lawl. Jew mad, Rainbow Dash?" he asked.

The librarian sniffled. A single tear ran down her cheek and fell to the floor.

Suddenly, the rainbow maned pegasus bolted out of the room, crying hysterically.

"Lawl she mad." Spiderman said.

As our hero fell to the floor and casually kicked a few of the dildos around, our hero felt something unfamiliar in his heart. Something he had never felt before. It made him feel sick to his stomach.

"Aw shit... trolls remorse." our hero said.

Our hero stealthily made his way down the stairs and climbed on top of a bookcase unseen. Nearby sat Spike, whom was playing Modern Warfare 3 like a filthy casual.

"Psst... Spike..." our hero whispered.

"Huh?" he asked, pausing his game and glancing up, "Oh, hey Spiderman."

"Where's Rainbow Dash?" he asked.

"Down in the basement. I think I heard her crying. Can't be too sure, she was pretty fast."

"Lawl k." Spiderman said as climbed down from the bookcase, "and Spike?"

"Hmm?" he asked, unpausing his game and continuing to play it.

"Get off that casual shit and either get some pussy or play some Halo or Battlefield. SMH." he said as he made his way down to the basement. He slowly descended into the dark and damp basement, which was filled with ancient and dust covered computers and scientific devices.

In the farthest corner of the room sat Rainbow Dash, curled up in a ball and facing the wall, crying lightly.

Spiderman prayed to Black Jesus that she didn't turn into a witch.

Climbing up the wall, our hero positioned himself over the crying librarian and slowly but stealthily started to descend towards his oblivious prey.

However, instead of sucker punching her for being a pussy like he was originally planning to as he descended the basement stairs, he placed his palm behind her head and gently started to scratch behind her ears.

She immediately tensed up.

"Relax. I'm not going to rape you. Lawl." he said as he continued to scratch behind ears.

"Fuck off Spider-"

"FUCK YOU, I'M BATMAN!" he shouted.

"What-"

Spiderman used his spare hand to start rubbing at the pegasus's tummy.

"Stop! That tickles!" she protested, squirming under his touch.

"I don't give a fuck lawl."

After a few moments, our hero tired himself out and fell to the floor like a retard, then picked himself up and sat against the wall beside the cerulean pegasus.

"I like where this is going." our hero commented.

Rainbow Dash rolled his eyes at him. "Why are you down here?"

"I dunno lawl. Trolls remorse, I guess."

"You sure? You're sort of an asshole."

The two sat in silence for several minutes, though each passing second felt like an eternity. The only thing that could be heard was their breathing.

"I'm not getting an apology, am I?"

"Lawl no." our hero responded.

"I guess I can live with this." Rainbow Dash said with a shrug.

After a few moments, Spiderman rose from his seated position. "If you ever tell anyone about this..."

"I'll fucking kill you."

Rainbow Dash could tell he was serious, so she nodded in assent.

That night, the president of television lay in his bed, satisfied with what he had done today. Even if all that happened was outrage and several riots that resulted in dozens of deaths, Equestria would learn that what he did today was for the good of-

"Hello there, ole' chap." he heard someone say. Seconds later, he felt the barrel of a gun get pressed up against his head.

"Don't scream, or talk. Or I will kill you." he said.

"You will turn the TV networks back on, or I'll come back. And rip your dick off and feed it to your dog."

The gun's barrel was removed from the president's head and he heard the window open. He glanced up to see a dragon dressed like Batmane leering back at him.

"I kill all your guards, by the way. It's a pity you'll need to replace them. Good day." the dragon said as he jumped out of the window and landed on the roof of a nearby house.

CHOOSE YOUR PATH, PONY FUCKER!

()Go out clubbing with the talking velociraptor gentleman and Lyra

()Go chill with Discord and his bitch

()Go to the new bar in town with Twilight and get drunk

()Bake with Pinkie Pie. Acquire money and pot brownies

()Smoke weed with Luna then play some Haylo with her

()Smoke weed with Applejack and help her take down some rival dealers

()Play video games with Spike

()Teach Fluffles the meaning of friendship

()Teach Fluttershy how to french kiss THEN GET FRIENDZONED BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T DO THIS FIRST

()Volunteer at a cripple pony school with Fluttershy and attempt to score

()Take the CMC and Luna skydiving. What could possibly go wrong? (CMC STORYLINE UNLOCKED)

()Teach Sex Ed at the Ponyville Schoolhouse with the help of your gentlemanly talking velociraptor companion (SCHOOLHOUSE TIER 2 UNLOCKED)

BILLY MAYS MINUTE #1 (Relationship updates)

"HI BILLY MAYS HERE WITH THE BILLY MAYS MINUTE. I HAVE BEEN PLACED IN CHARGE OF UPDATING THE READERS ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP STATUS'S WITH CURRENT CHARACTERS. LET'S GET STARTED." Billy Mays stated.

"YOUR RELATIONSHIP STATUS WITH FLUTTERSHY HAS BEEN MAXED OUT, AND YOU HAVE BEEN FRIENDZONED BY HER. TURNS OUT SHE LIKES LIZARD DICK. THAT SUCKS, BRO."

"YOUR RELATIONSHIP STATUS WITH LUNA HAS IMPROVED. SHE CONSIDERS YOU ONE OF THE ONLY LIVING BEINGS SHE CAN CALL A FRIEND. KEEP IT UP, AND SHE MIGHT THAT SPIDEY DICK!"

"YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH CHEERILEE HAS IMPROVED. KEEP IT UP, AND YOU MIGHT JUST GET THAT BOOTY."

"YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH RAINBOW DASH HAS IMPROVED DRAMATICALLY EVER SINCE YOU GOT THAT CASE OF TROLLS REMORSE. I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT I'D PERSONALLY WANT TO HAVE A HOT, GEEKY, AND PROBABLY KINKY AS FUCK LIBRARIAN CRAVING THE DICK."

"YOUR STANDING WITH FLUFFLES IS ONLY SLIGHTLY BETTER THAN NEUTRAL. HE'S A BRO, AND HE'S YOUR SERVANT. THAT'S AS FAR AS IT GOES."

"EVERYONE ELSE IS ABOUT NEUTRAL. WANT TO MAKE IT BETTER? VOTE. REMEMBER CERTAIN CHOICES MAY CAUSE NEGATIVE EFFECTS ON OTHER RELATIONSHIPS, AS WELL AS POSITIVE ONES. CHOOSE WISELY."

"ALSO, INTRODUCING THE 60'S ERA SPIDERMAN GOES TO EQUESTRIA SEASON 1 BOXSET. IT INCLUDES EVERY SINGLE SPIDERMAN EPISODE AND WILL MAKE YOUR LIFE COMPLETE. ACT NOW AND WE'LL THROW IN THE OLD SPICE GUYS INVADE EQUESTRIA ON TOP OF IT. ALL FOR ONLY 19.95! ACT NOW!"

The Rise of the Booty

Our hero, Fluttershy, and his talking gentlemanly velociraptor companion, Fluffles, sat a top the town hall. Unlike usual, they weren't just chilling up top, they had a mission.

"Target spotted." Fluttershy said.

"Get ready, ole' chap." Fluffles said to Spiderman.

"Lawl k." our hero responded. He leaned over the edge and watched the approaching pony. It was some rich asshole, likely from Canterlot. Spiderman hated rich assholes. They stole his first born child and killed his second wife.

-Wait, that's not right.

"I don't give a fuck lawl." our hero said as he dropped a condom filled with mayonnaise over the edge of the roof. It dropped quickly and struck the noble right in the face, coating his face and his expensive clothing in a thick layer of mayo.

"WHAT THE FUCK?!" he shouted. "Come down here, you ruffians! I'm going to kick your sorry flanks!"

"Lawl k." our hero said as he jumped down from the roof and kicked the noble square in the balls with enough impact to send him flying into a nearby wall.

"Ugh..." the noble groaned in pain.

Spiderman raced forward without missing a beat and started pummeling the living shit out of him, as Fight the Power by Public Enemy started playing in the background.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mcbFJAcuomI

As the song finished, our hero kneeled beside the beaten, rich asshole, and whispered into his ear. "You're my bitch now, lawl."

As Spiderman walked away from the fallen noble, he spotted a familiar pink maned teacher coming his way.

And then he saw the booty.

UNF!

"Hello Spiderman!" Cheerilee greeted our hero.

"Hay. Lawl." he responded.

"Hey, could I ask you a personal favor...?" she asked.

"I am the bone of your sword." Spiderman responded.

"You're- um, what?"

"Nothing, lawl."

"Anyways... I'm supposed to be teaching the kids Sex Ed-"

"Giggity." our hero threw in.

Cheerilee ignored this. "The kids really didn't listen to me... just sat there and giggled. Would you mind coming in to teach them?"

The teacher gave him the biggest, cutest puppy eyes. This would affect anyone, save for Spiderman. All he cared for was da booty.

UNF!

“Lawl k.”

“Are you sure? It’ll be over a few days and I don’t want to be a bother…”

“I don’t give a fuck lawl.” Our hero said.

“Oh thank you so much, Spiderman!” the teacher cried as she lurched forward and latched onto him in a grateful hug. After a few seconds, she realized what she was doing and let him go, apologizing profusely. Our hero waved it off. He was able to cop a feel of that booty when she hugged him.

UNNNNF!

“I shall come as well.” Fluffles said as he and Fluttershy walked up. “I have a teaching degree from Bitchin’ Reptiles University.”

After a few moments of blank stares from the mares and Spiderman looking everywhere but him like a fucking moron, Fluffles spoke up again. “It’s the most prestigious university in the universe I am from.”

“Bitchin’.” Fluttershy commented.

“Quite.”

“Well, anyways, I’ll see you tomorrow, Mr. Spiderman.” She said with a smile as she walked off.

“Damn, dat booty.” Spiderman commented as he watched her go.

“That ass is indeed cash.” His velociraptor companion commented.

The next day, Spiderman and Fluffles rose early in the morning and watched hardcore pornography in preparation for today’s lesson. Around noon, they left the cottage and started to make their way into town.

“Is it gay to watch porn with your bro?” Fluffles asked as they approached the schoolhouse.

“As long as the balls don’t touch lawl.” Our hero responded.

Waiting by the school’s border fence was Rainbow Dash, a wagon filled with books covered up by a tarp beside her. Upon spotting Spiderman approaching, she let out a sigh of relief and smiled at them, waving at them happily.

“I thought you were pulling a prank on me when you told me to come here with these type of books, Spiderman. I’m glad my gut is a lying asshole.” She said.

“Lawl k.” our hero said as he grabbed the wagon and pulled it behind him as he continued towards the schoolhouse, his faithful gentlemanly raptor companion trailing behind, “bye!”

“Bye Spiderman! Stop by anytime if you want to… read… or something…” she said, before grumbling cutely to herself, “…way to fuck that up, RD.”

“Alright class, today, we’re going to try learning Sex Ed again.” Cheerilee announced.

The laughing, giggling, and snorting of children filled the room, not allowing the pink haired teacher to speak for several minutes, much to her dismay.

“However, this time, I won’t be teaching. May I introduce our guest teachers, Mr. Spiderman and Sir Fluffles!”

Our hero and his companion entered the room and both struck a pose. The students erupted in to applause, cheers, and whistles, save for one diamond tiara wearing bitch, whom a yellow filly sporting a pink bow like a baws punched her in fucking mouth for being a cunt.

“WHO’S READY TO LEARN ABOUT HOW CHILDREN ARE MADE?!” Spiderman asked excitedly.

“Me!”

“OOO! OOO! ME! ME!”

“MY BODY IS READY, SPIDERMAN!”

“Damn! Diamond Tiara got knocked the fuck out!”

“I think they’re ready, Spiderman.”

“Lawl k.” our hero said as made his way over to the pile of Sex Ed tapes sitting on Cheerilee’s desk, “you see these?”

The class nodded.

“They’re no good. They suck ass. Lawl.” Our hero said as he passed the tapes out, then passed out hammers to each of the students.

“SMASH THE FUCK OUT OF THEM!” he prompted.

The children quickly smashed the Sex Ed tapes to itty bitty pieces. Cheerilee’s jaw dropped.

“NOW THROW EVERYTHING AT THAT CUNT WITH THE DIAMOND TIARA AND GET READY TO FUCKING LEARN!”

Before the rich bitch could protest, she found herself showered with the pieces of VCR tapes and hammers. One struck her in temple and knocked her out.

“I’M GOING TO TELL YOU EVERYTHING THOSE TAPES WOULD TELL YOU IN A LOT LESS TIME, THEN WE GET TO THE FUN SHIT. K?!” Spiderman asked.

The class, save for a knocked out diamond tiara that a white unicorn was drawing a penis on, nodded in assent.

“Lawl k. Take notes. So when a daddy and mommy love each other very much, they fuck each other’s brains out. Then, the sperm of the male, which is this white shit that tastes like salt and smells like bleach that comes out of the penis, goes into the females body and fertilizes an egg. Then nine months later, you get a crying, shitting scumbag who won’t let you get any sleep, eventually grow up into carefree kids like yourselves, then will end up resenting their parents for no fucking reason. Any questions?”

The class shook their heads no. That’s good. That means he wasn’t dealing with a bunch of dipshits.

“Lawl k. Fluffles, pass out the books to the class.”

The raptor nodded, passing out the books out the class, being sure to drop one book on the diamond tiara wearing cunt.

“Mr. Spiderman? What kinda book is this?” the filly whom was either speaking with a pirate or Southern accent asked.

“Lawl I dunno.” He responded.

Fluffles slapped him upside the head.

“Ow! Ow! Stop oppressing me!” Spiderman cried like a feminist.

The two bros chuckled for a few seconds at their antics, before turning their attention back to the kiss.

“This… is the Karma Sutra. It’s time for you little fuckers to learn how to learn how to make babies.”

It took a few hours, but the class managed to finish the entire book. After Fluffles explained the last page to the class, the bell rang, signaling the end of classes for the day.

“Good job, class Now you know the birds and the bees.” Fluffles said.

“GTFO!” Spiderman said, pointing the door.

The class quickly filed out of the room, save for diamond tiara sporting bitch that was still knocked out. Fluffles quickly moved in, marker in claw, to draw more penises’s on her.

While he did this, Cheerilee rose from her desk and approached our hero. “While your methods aren’t exactly orthodox, I must praise their effectiveness. Those videos take days to go over, and most of the times, it just goes right over the kid’s heads because of how boring and scientific those videos are. This time, I think the kids actually got it.”

“Lawl k.” he said as he started to turn towards the door. Ms. Cheerilee quickly blocked his path.

“I’m not finished!” she said.

“K.”

The teacher bit her bottom lip and blushed hotly. She suddenly seemed quite unsure of herself. “While this isn’t really exactly professional… and kind of goes against everything I believe in… Spiderman, would you like to join me for dinner this evening?”

DAMN.

THE TEACHER WITH DA BOOTY FIT FOR A QUEEN JUST ASKED YOU OUT.

UNF! UNF! UNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNF!

WUT DO?!

()Fuck yeah! Take that hot piece of booty out on the town!

Or... go home and...

()Go out clubbing with the talking velociraptor gentleman and Lyra

()Go chill with Discord and his bitch

()Go to the new bar in town with Twilight and get drunk

()Bake with Pinkie Pie. Acquire money and pot brownies

()Smoke weed with Luna then play some Haylo with her

()Smoke weed with Applejack and help her take down some rival dealers

()Play video games with Spike

()Teach Fluffles the meaning of friendship

()Teach Fluttershy how to french kiss THEN GET FRIENDZONED BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T DO THIS FIRST

()Volunteer at a cripple pony school with Fluttershy and attempt to score

()Take the CMC and Luna skydiving. What could possibly go wrong?

()Do your bro Spike a solid and help RD for the day while he has a threesome with cheerleaders (RD TIER TWO UNLOCKED)

Da Bootyman

Dat booty. Dat delicious booty.

UNF!

UNF!

UNNNNNNNNNNNF!

Spiderman couldn't say no to da booty. No man could. A booty like had more influence than alcohol over a man.

“Lawl k.” our hero responded.

“…is that a yes?” Cheerilee asked meekly.

Spiderman nodded like a fucking retard in response.

The pink haired mare let out a sigh of relief. “Thank goodness.”

“I’m going to go home, Spiderman. I’ll leave you two to it. Have a good evening, ole’ chap.” Fluffles said as he finished his masterpiece, leaving the diamond tiara wearing bitch covered head to hoof in dicks.

As the two watched the raptor stalk out of the room, Cheerilee glanced at the knocked out student. “Diamond Tiara has treated everypony like absolute crap for the past couple years. I’ve done what I could, but it’s never enough. But ever since you showed up, everypony has started standing up to her. I’d probably be fired for saying this… but thank you for treating her like she deserves to be treated.”

“She’s a cunt lawl.” our hero said.

After a moments hesitation, Cheerilee nodded. “I’m going to finish up some grades and paperwork real quick. Do you mind hanging around?”

“Lawl no.” Spiderman responded as he shot a web at the ceiling and hung upside down. Cheerilee giggled cutely at his antics, before going back to her desk.

For the next couple hours, Cheerilee worked through her paperwork as quickly as she possibly could. While he waited, our hero crawled around on the walls and ceilings, as well a coating Diamond Tiara in thick coat of web. She’d be in for quite a surprise when she woke up. Eventually, the bitch woke up and simply walked out like nothing happened, the heavy webbing not restricting her movements.

Still worth it, though.

Cheerilee smiled as she signed her name on the last piece of paperwork. She quickly put away the papers in her desk and looked up.

Only to come face to face with Spiderman, whom was hanging down from the ceiling.

“Lawl hi sempai.” our hero greeted.

The mare giggled nervously. “Hello there, Spiderman.”

“Desu?” he asked.

“AIDs.” she confirmed.

Satisfied, Spiderman cut off his web, did a triple backflip, and landed on his feet.

“I’m ready to go, Mr. Spiderman.” the teacher said.

“Bitchin’.” Spiderman commented.

As the two exited the school, Cheerilee glanced up at our hero. “You know, ordinarily I’d hook a hoof through yours… but you’re a bit tall.” She commented with a playful giggle.

“It’s all good. Lawl.” our hero said, shrugging it off.

Cheerilee shook her head as they continued. “No… no… it’s just kind of a tradition.”

After a few seconds, her face lit up with realization. A short moment later, our hero noticed the teacher walk a few paces ahead of him, then felt something soft and fluffy making it’s way through his arm.

He looked down, noticing that Cheerilee’s tail had hooked it’s way through his arm. He also didn’t give a fuck that he was pretty sure that’s not how a horse’s tail worked.

His eyes continued it’s journey downwards, catching a raw, up close peak at that god-like booty.

“H-hey! Eyes up, mister! Not on the first date~” she said with a tone both cheerful and playful, her cheeks turning a dark crimson.

“Lawl k.” our hero said.

The two trekked on, the sun setting behind them. By the time they reached the town, the sun had fallen and the moon had risen, basking the town in it’s glow.

“Beautiful night.” The pink haired mare commented, a smile spreading across her muzzle as she watched the night sky above. Spiderman glanced up and scanned the night sky. Unlike the night sky above Badly Drawn New York City, the night sky here wasn’t disturbed by the large cities light pollution. There were millions of stars, sitting there and twinkling, dwarfed by the planet’s single moon.

Our hero merely nodded in agreement. One who doesn’t give a fuck like him doesn’t simply gaze upon something and call it beautiful.

Minutes later, Cheerilee stopped outside an unusually fancy restaurant in downtown Ponyville. Pulling him by the arm with her tail, she lead him up to the building, Spiderman stepped forward and pulled open the door the mare.

He opened that bitch a door.

Bitches loved doors being opened for them.

The pink haired mare smiled gratefully. “Thank you very much, Spiderman.”

Fuck yeah!

“Lawl no problem.” he said as they made their way inside.

The host examined the mismatched couple and snorted like a conceited prick. Spiderman made a note to jump him later.

“Hi, welcome to Fancy Pant’s Italian. How many will we be serving this evening?” he asked, doing his best to put on a smile.

He fucked up. Horribly. Spiderman was gonna choke a bitch.

“Two. Please.” Cheerilee responded.

The host quickly escorted the two to a table way in the back of the restaurant. He quickly placed a couple of menus on the table then left them, grumbling angrily to himself.

“Rood.” Spiderman commented.

Cheerilee rolled her eyes. “Don’t worry about it, Spidey. One bad host isn't going to ruin the evening.”

The two sat there in silence, looking at the menus.

“What are you going to get, Spiderman?” she asked, putting her menu down and gazing over at our hero.

“Lawl I dunno.” He responded.

After a few moments, she asked again. “How about now?”

“It’s a surprise lawl.” Our hero responded.

Cheerlee shrugged. “Whatever you say, Spidey.”

Half an hour later, their food arrived. No words were exchanged as they went to work on their meals. Cheerilee ate her food in an elegant and slow fashion, like the lady she was. Spiderman, on the otherhand, wolfed it down like his food was going to rise and make a break for it.

Eventually, however, both of them finished.

“So Spiderman… besides reading to children, teaching Sex Ed, and fighting terrorists, what else do you do?” Cheerilee asked.

"I do whatever the hell a Spiderman does. That's how I roll. Lawl." our hero responded.

"So what does a Spiderman do, then?"

"Lawl, I dunno." Spiderman shrugged. "Chill with my homies. Watch House M.D. Smoke some dank kush with Empress Luna-"

"Wait, you know the empress? And you smoke weed with her?" Cheerilee's jaw almost dropped to the floor.

"Know her? Yeah, I guess you could say that. Lawl." he said, his mind flashing to that one time he was invited to eat dinner at the palace, ate vindaloo curry and shit it all over the place, then fucked the then princess.

"SPIDERMAN?! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!" Luna demanded, looking back at the human positioning himself behind her.

"I'm sticking it in the pooper." he answered plainly.

"WHAT?!"

"I'M STICKING IT IN THE POOPER!" he shouted as he slammed his erect cock in dat full moonhole.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Spiderman...?" Cheerilee asked.

"Lawl sorry." our hero said, realizing he was spacing out.

Before they could continue their conversation, their waiter appeared by their side. "Will you be paying in bits or credit?"

"Do you accept fucks?" our hero asked.

"No, we do not, sir." the waiter responded, his eye twitching slightly.

"Good, because I don't got any. Fuck you. Here's your money, tip included," Spiderman said, reaching into his non-existant pockets and placing a handful of bits on the table.

Both Cheerilee's and the waiters draws dropped. "Thank you very much, sir!" he said gratefully, grabbing the bits and placing them in a pouch in his vest.

"Eat a dick. Lawl." our hero said. The waiter nodded and moved on.

"Spiderman, where'd you get all that money?" Cheerilee asked.

"It's not easy being cheesy... lawl...." Spiderman responded.

After that, our hero and his date exited the restaurant. They were a little slow getting out, as Spiderman jumped the host in the restroom, shanked him, then left his bleeding body behind.

As they started to walk away from the building, Cheerilee once more latched onto our hero with her tail.

"Mind walking home with me?" she asked.

"I don't give a fuck." he responded.

"I'm sorry, what?" she asked.

"Sure lawl." he responded.

Cheerilee shrugged off his initial response, a sign of a good catch. Also, did I mention da booty on this one?

UNF! UNF!

UNNNNNNNNNNNNNNF!

"Here we are!" Cheerilee announced.

"Huh? Sorry lawl. Faded thoughts idk." our hero responded, hitting the side of head.

"Well, it's been fun, Spiderman. We should do it again!" she said, grinning as she released her tail from our hero's arm.

"Lawl no."

"W-what?"

"Jk lawl. I troll hard." Spiderman said.

"Meanie." the teacher said, pouting playfully.

"Don't give me trolls remorse. K? K. Lawl." our hero said.

Suddenly, the mare lurched forward, planting her front hooves on our hero's chest as she stood on her back legs. She lifted Spiderman's mask with her teeth, revealing the rugged manliness underneath, and placing a small, but deep kiss on our hero's lip.

Spiderman took this chance to cop a feel of da booty. She didn't protest.

After a few moments, she retreated and fell back down to the floor, her cheeks burning a hot crimson. "I-I'll see you around, Spidey~" she sang playfully.

She entered her house, and turned around to face our hero. "Thank you, again. For both your help and this evening. HAve a good evening, Spiderman."

As she closed the door behind her, our hero pushed his hands into his pants and retreated into the bushes.

"Sneaky wank lawl."

CHOOSE YOUR PATH, HIGHLANDER!

()Go out clubbing with the talking velociraptor gentleman and Lyra

()Go chill with Discord and his bitch

()Go to the new bar in town with Twilight and get drunk

()Bake with Pinkie Pie. Acquire money and pot brownies

()Smoke weed with Luna then play some Haylo with her

()Smoke weed with Applejack and help her take down some rival dealers

()Play video games with Spike

()Teach Fluffles the meaning of friendship

()Teach Fluttershy how to french kiss THEN GET FRIENDZONED BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T DO THIS FIRST

()Volunteer at a cripple pony school with Fluttershy and attempt to score

()Take the CMC and Luna skydiving. What could possibly go wrong?

()Do your bro Spike a solid and help RD for the day while he has a threesome with cheerleaders (RD TIER TWO UNLOCKED)

I can't read lawl

There was someone slamming on the door, waking our hero from his pleasant slumber and booty filled dreams.

"FUCK YOU!" our hero shouted at the door.

"Bro, open the door before I burn your fucking house down." Spike said from the other side.

Spiderman groaned. Today was going to be a long one.

He rose from the couch and made his way to the front door. Upon opening it, he spotted Spike standing their dressed up like a fucking pimp.

It kind of suited him, our hero had to admit.

"WHAT'S REALLY GOOD, NIGGA?!" our hero inquired.

"Not much. Not much." the purple dragon said.

"What the fuck do you want?" he asked.

"Bro, you fucked my crush almost a year ago. I almost had that tight alabaster pussy."

"Don't hate the player, hate the game. Lawl." our hero said.

"Deez nuts, Spidey. I got a threesome with cheerleaders to attend, and you're going to help Rainbow Dash out today so I can attend it. Or else."

"Or else...?"

"Or else we can get into some real gangsta shit." Spike answered.

"Lawl k."

Rainbow Dash arose from her slumber with a small yawn, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes as she rolled out of bed. She grabbed her glasses and made her way into the shower, this time making sure to lock the door behind her, as she entered the shower. Five minutes later, she was out, to avoid Twilight chewing her out for wasting water. She quickly dried off, tied her mane up into a bun, put on her glasses, and left the bathroom.

"Watch me swooce right in!" the rainbow maned librarian heard someone call out from inside.

"SWOOCE!" Spiderman screeched as he jumped through the open bedroom window.

"SPIDERMAN?!" Rainbow Dash exclaimed in shock.

"IT'S SPIDEY TIME!" he said, hopping erratically towards the librarian.

"NO SPIDERMAN, NO!" the librarian cried, curling up into a ball to defend herself from whatever attack he was about to unleash.

Instead, she felt him place his palm a top her head.

"That'll do pig, that'll do. Lawl." he said.

"What are you doing here, Spiderman?" she asked, rising off the ground and dusting herself off.

"Lawl I dunno."

"Oh."

"Yeah. Lawl."

"..."

"=D"

"What was that?" she asked.

"I dunno lawl."

The mare looked at the superhero like he was some kind of idiot, because, you know, he kind of is, and decided to say fuck it and head downstairs.

"LOOK I'M HELPFUL!" Spiderman declared.

"SPIDERMAN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" Rainbow Dash demanded.

"I DUNNO LAWL!" he responded as he pushed over the bookcase in front of him. It toppled over and crashed into another bookcase. A donino effect started, and soon, every bookcase in the room had fallen over, much to the dismay of Rainbow Dash.

"Let's get some fucking pancakes! Lawl." our hero stated.

"Being me is suffering..." Rainbow Dash commented.

Minutes later, the two found themselves inside of the Sugar Cube Corner, both with a towering stack of pancakes in front of them. Shortly after our hero decided to play dominoes with the libraries bookcases, Twilight kicked them out and promised to kick some serious ass if they showed up before Spike came back and cleaned up the mess.

Sucks to be him.

As our hero went to work on his pancakes, Rainbow Dash rose from her seat. "H-hey Spiderman...? I think I'm gonna go." she said.

Our hero paused for a couple seconds. "Lawl k." he responded, before going back to eating his pancakes.

Rainbow Dash smiled slightly before leaving the building. She walked down the street for a block then hung a right, deciding to go through a dark alley that you know shit will go down in for the sake of cutting time.

About halfway through the alley, she heard a noise behind. The librarian turned around, and spotted a faggot sporting an obey snapback standing there. In the shadows were about eight or nine other faggots.

Rainbow Dash did the only sensible thing anyone could do in that situation.

She laughed at them.

"HAHAHA! OH GOD! YOU GUYS LOOK LIKE A BUNCH OF FAGGOTS. DO PONYKIND A FAVOR AND KILL YOURSELVES!"

"You can crush me but you can't crush my swag!" a zebra wearing a Bulls snapback said, charging at the librarian.

*BANG*

The swagfag fell to the ground, dead, a bullet wound in his side. His flood started to pool out onto the ground surrounding him.

"YOU CAN'T FLIM FLAM THE ZIM ZAM!" some cried.

From out of the shadows stepped out Spiderman, carrying a 9mm and wearing a George Zimmerman mask.

"A'yo what the-"

*BANG*

"HA! HA! HA!" Spiderman laughed, firing off a shot with each ha. Eventually, all of the swagfags lay on the ground, dead, surrounded by a pool of their own blood.

"Lawl." our hero commented.

"Spiderman?" she asked.

"Yeah?"

"Thanks."

"I don't give a fuck lawl."

After a few moments, the two made their way out of the alleyway, only to run straight into Rarity and Applejack's big brother, Big Macintosh if our hero remembered correctly. Not like he gave a fuck, of course.

"Oh hai der." our hero greeted.

"Spiderman? Oh it is has simply been too long! How have you been, darling? Everything going okay?" she asked.

"Pimpin' ain't easy." Spiderman answered coolly.

"Ah! And you're with Rainbow Dash. How's the library, sweetie?"

"A bit of a warzone at the moment." she responded, motioning to our hero. Rarity nodded, confirming she got the message.

"Well, it's been nice seeing you two. I'd love to stay and chat, but we got a date. Isn't that right, Big Mac?" she inquired.

"Eeyup." he responded.

"Bye, you two~" the alabaster unicorn sang as she and the giant red stallion walked away.

Rainbow Dash watched them go, her face deforming into a frown. "Lucky her..." she commented.

Before our hero could say anything or do anything retarded, Rainbow Dash looked over her shoulder at him. "Hey Spidey...?"

"Lawl what?"

"Thanks, again, really." she said with a smile.

"Lawl no biggie. Because Biggie Smalls is dead. Lawl."

Rainbow Dash smiled, hovering up to our hero and placing a small peck on his nose.

"See you around, superhero~" she said with a bright blush, before flying off at speeds never witnessed before.

Damn.

"It's raining bitches. Lawl." our hero commented.

CHOOSE YOUR PATH, CHOSEN ONE!

()Go out clubbing with the talking velociraptor gentleman and Lyra

()Go chill with Discord and his bitch

()Go to the new bar in town with Twilight and get drunk

()Bake with Pinkie Pie. Acquire money and pot brownies

()Smoke weed with Luna then play some Haylo with her

()Smoke weed with Applejack and help her take down some rival dealers

()Play video games with Spike

()Teach Fluffles the meaning of friendship

()Teach Fluttershy how to french kiss THEN GET FRIENDZONED BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T DO THIS FIRST

()Volunteer at a cripple pony school with Fluttershy and attempt to score

()Take the CMC and Luna skydiving. What could possibly go wrong?

()Go to the school dance and teach them how to party, as well as spend time with the one with da booty (SCHOOLHOUSE TIER 3 UNLOCKED)

()Fight in a gladiator tournament with Ms. Cheerilee (CHEERILEE ROUTE UNLOCKED)

()Help Rarity design a kickass new Spidey suit and get sum fuk (FORGOTTEN RARITY ROUTE UNLOCKED; MY BAD)

The Booty Strikes Back

Spiderman slowly awoke as the sun’s morning rays flooded through the nearby window, covering his face with the sun’s warmth.

“Sun nigga, you gay.” our hero commented as he rose.up from his couch and wandered into the kitchen. He snatched a couple poptarts and a can of Hawaiian and sat up at the dining room table.

“OM NOM NOM.” Spiderman said as he went to work, nibbling the poptart down to nothing like a chipmunk, then drowned it down with some of his Hawaiian punch.

As he finished off his breakfast, Fluffles made his way into the kitchen and grabbed some leftover steak from the fridge, set it on a plate, and joined our hero at the dining room table.

“Sup?” our hero inquired.

“Not much, ole’ chap. Today seems like a good day.” the raptor responded, as began to cut his streak into bite size pieces.

“Lawl no today is gonna suck.” the faggot in spandex commented.

“Spiderman, please. I think I’m going for a run in the park and scare children for Fluttershy’s amusement.”

“Oh my, that would be amazing!” Fluttershy commented as she walked into the room. She slapped our hero some skin/hoof and gave his gentlemanly raptor companion a quick hug and a kiss.

“Ew. Ya’ll niggas gay. Lawl.” our hero commented as he watched their shows of affection.

Suddenly, Spiderman’s dick stuck up on end, pointing in the direction of the door.

“My booty senses are throbbing!” our hero declared. He rushed over to the door and opened it, revealing a startled Cheerilee who was about to knock.

“Oh!” she cried in surprise, “Hello, Spiderman.”

Our hero glanced over at that booty. UNF! He was going to get a piece of that grade A booty if it was the last thing he did. It was pure perfection.

“Hay. Lawl.” he responded.

“May I come in?” she asked.

“I don’t give a fuck lawl.” he said.

“Err…”

“That’s means yes!” both Fluttershy and Fluffles called from inside the cottage.

“Oh. I’ll never get used to your sense of humor of yours, Spiderman.” she said with a timid smile.

“It’s all good. Lawl.” our hero said, making room for the bootylicious teacher. She smiled gratefully to our hero and squeezed on through.

Our hero caught a peak of that booty. Dat booty stared back at him with the force of a thousand suns. UNF!

As she walked into the cottage, she looked around and spotted Fluttershy and Fluffles, who have since moved to the couch and were watching Power Rangers.

“Good morning, Fluffles and Fluttershy.” she greeted.

“Good morning, Ms. Cheerilee.” Fluffles responded.

“What’s up?” Fluttershy asked.

“Oh, not much. Just here to ask Spiderman a favor.” the teacher answered.

“You are the boner in my pants.” Spiderman said, genuflecting before the bootylicious teacher.

“I-I’m sorry?” she asked, confused.

“Nothing. Lawl. What’s up?” he asked, rising off the ground

“Well, the school’s Spring Fling dance is tonight, and all of the parent chaperones are attending some orgy at Studio 69.”

“An orgy? Kickass. Lawl.” our hero responded.

The teacher looked at him strangely.

“Anyways… I was wondering… would you mind coming along with me and helping out?” she inquired. “It would mean so much to me~”

“Hmm…” On one hand, there was an orgy he could crash, where all the pussy he could ever want awaited. But on the other hand… there was a chance to get closer to da booty…

Booty.

Orgy.

Booty.

Orgy.

Fuck it. It was obvious which is better.

“Sure lawl.” he responded.

“You will?” she asked, a smile rivaling Pinkie Pie’s spreading across her muzzle.

“Yeah, why not? Lawl.” our hero asked rhetorically.

The pink haired mare lurched forward and wrapped her hooves around his midsection and squeezing the fuck out of him. “OH THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU~”

Our hero hugged the mare back, getting a quick feel of her booty. If Cheerilee noticed, she did not mind.

“Oh, and one more thing.” she said she released our hero.

“What?”

“Can I watch some Power Rangers with you guys? That green ranger is a grade A badass.”

After a few moments, our hero opened his mouth to speak. “You’re some prime waifu material, I tell you hwat. Lawl.”

After several hours of watching Power Rangers, followed by some House. Eventually, Fluttershy and Fluffles went out to play Frisbee with their mouths, leaving Cheerilee and Spiderman on their own.

However, before our hero could put the moves onto her, both of their watches started to beep.

“Oh, would you look at the time.” the pink haired mare called out as she pulled a joint “Do you got a light?”

“Lawl yeah.” Spiderman said, looking at his watch. It’s way four twenty. Time to blaze it. Our hero lit the teacher’s blunt for her, then expertly rolled up a blunt of his own and lit it.

After ten minutes of blazing, the two left the cottage. They skipped together down the dirt road leading into town. As their highs wore off, they slowed down and walked side by side.

Our hero felt Cheerilee’s fluffy take work it’s way through his arm as they wandered into town, it’s softness and fluffyness instantly giving him a major hard on.

“Unf…”

“What was that?” Cheerilee asked.

“Nothing lawl.” he responded.

The two walked in silence through the town. The mismatched couple earned a few glances, but most ponies paid them no mind. They weren't exactly the strangest couple in town.

Speaking of which…

“Yo yo, Spidey!” Discord exclaimed as he and Chrysalis walked up to the two, “Slap me some skin, compadre!”

Our hero slapped the draconeques some skin and brofisted him.

“My my, if it isn’t Ms. Cheerilee. I haven’t seen you since your students set me free. Supposed I owe you for that. But, that’s for another day. What are you doing with my friend dress in spandex here?”

“Well.. I.. uh…” she stuttered, a light blush spreading across her cheeks, kicking at the dirt awkwardly with her hoof.

“HNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNG!” Discord exclaimed, holding his heart as fell to the ground and started rolling around, pretending to have a heart attack.

“Well, isn’t that precious?” Chrysalis commented in a particularly cold manner.

“Spiderman, you pimp,” the lord of chaos said as he rose off the ground and dusted himself off, “You’re dating the teach?”

“Yeah lawl.” our hero responded.

“Good on you,” Discord said, patting our hero on the back, “well, as much as I’d love to stay and chat, we must get going.”

“We got some… chaos… to do.” Chrysalis explained.

“Yup. We need to chill sometime, buddy. See yah, Spidey.” the lord of chaos said as he and his hoe continued on their way.

As they disappeared from sight, Cheerilee turned towards our hero. “You know Discord and Queen Chrysalis as well?”

“Lawl yeah.” our hero answered.

“Well, you certainly get around.” the teacher said with a giggle.

Eventually, the couple found themselves outside the Ponyville Schoolhouse. The school had been decorated the previous day by the students. Our hero had a hard on for slavery and the breaking of labor laws.

"The students will be here any minute now. I'm gonna head on in and make sure everything is ready. Why don't you stay here and greet the students?"

"Lawl k."

The teacher flashed our hero a grateful smile, before making her way inside.

Slowly, kids started to show up and make their way inside. Our hero would slap each and every kid that entered some skin. The kids were pretty chill. If it wasn't for the fact he'd be arrested for it, he'd probably hang out with them beyond helping out at school.

Suddenly, a limousine screeched up to the school. The door opened, and out hopped the rich bitch with the diamond tiara.

"Out of my way!" she shouted at a few ponies in her way as she approached the school entrance. As she reached the door, our hero quickly blocked her path.

"Out of my way, peasant!" she shouted at him.

"Name?" our hero inquired.

"I'm sorry?" she asked.

"You're not on the list. Lawl." Spiderman said.

"But-"

"GTFO!" he said, stepping forward and punting her, sending her flying into her limo. She slowly slid down against the limo then fell flat on her face. She coughed violently, blood leaking out of her mouth and dripping onto the ground below.

The nearby children erupted in a golf clap. Our hero bowed before them.

Eventually, Spiderman was told to come inside and help keep the ponies in check.

That's not his job.

His job is to keep parties alive.

"WATCH ME SWOOCE RIGHT IN!" everypony inside of the auditorium heard our hero shout, just prior to him swoocing in through one of the auditoriums windows.

"SWOOCE!" he declared as he rolled and sprung up to his feet.

The nearby children erupted into applause and cheers.

"Walk into the club like what up I got a big cock. Lawl." our hero said.

Suddenly, our hero's eared was blasted by some of the worst music of all time. Lil Wayne. Nicki Minaj. Rebecca Black. Justin Bieber. Usher. Taylor Swift. And more.

"AW HELL NAW!" our hero said. He made his way over the DJ and punched him the fuck out for his shitty taste in music, then dug into his non-existant pockets and produced his Andriod. He hooked it up to the music system and turned on the music.

"Oh. My. God. Becky, look at her butt, it is so big." some bitch, who ironically sounded a lot like a diamond tiara wearing bitch at the school, said over the speaker system, scoffing every other word, "It is so big. She looks like, one of those rap guys' girlfriends. But, you know, who understands those rap guys? They only talk to her, because, she looks like a total prostitute, 'kay? I mean, her butt, is just so big. I can't believe it's just so round, it's like, out there, I mean - gross. Look! She's just so ... black!"

Spiderman jumped down and raced towards the middle of the dance floor and started singing along to the song.

"I like big butts and I can not lie

You other brothers can't deny

That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist

And a round thing in your face

You get sprung, wanna pull out your tough

'Cause you notice that butt was stuffed

Deep in the jeans she's wearing

I'm hooked and I can't stop staring

Oh baby, I wanna get with you

And take your picture

My homeboys tried to warn me

But that butt you got makes me so horny."

Cheerilee smiled and started to dance around to the song. Our hero quickly made his way over to her and started dancing with her like a moron.

"Ooh, Rump-o'-smooth-skin

You say you wanna get in my Benz?

Well, use me, use me

'Cause you ain't that average groupie

I've seen them dancin'

To hell with romancin'

She's sweat, wet,

Got it goin' like a turbo 'Vette

I'm tired of magazines

Sayin' flat butts are the thing

Take the average black man and ask him that

She gotta pack much back."

"So, fellas!" he called out to the nearby colts.

"Yeah!" they responded.

"Fellas!"

"Yeah!"

"Has your girlfriend got the butt?"

"Hell yeah!"

"Tell 'em to shake it!"

"Shake it!"

"Shake it!"

"Shake it!"

"Shake that healthy butt!" Spiderman declared, turning his attention back to Cheerilee, "Baby got back!"

"LA face with Oakland booty!" a random colt dressed like a pirate called out.

"Baby got back!" Spiderman shouted out.

Our hero twirled behind the pink maned teacher and focused on her booty.

"I like 'em round, and big

And when I'm throwin' a gig

I just can't help myself, I'm actin' like an animal

Now here's my scandal

I wanna get you home

And ugh, double-up, ugh, ugh

I ain't talkin' bout Playboy

'Cause silicone parts are made for toys

I want 'em real thick and juicy

So find that juicy double

Mix-a-Lot's in trouble

Beggin' for a piece of that bubble

So I'm lookin' at rock videos

Knock-kneeded bimbos walkin' like hoes

You can have them bimbos

I'll keep my women like Flo Jo

A word to the thick soul sisters, I wanna get with ya

I won't cuss or hit ya

But I gotta be straight when I say I wanna *fuck*

Till the break of dawn

Baby got it goin' on

A lot of simps won't like this song

'Cause them punks like to hit it and quit it

And I'd rather stay and play

'Cause I'm long, and I'm strong

And I'm down to get the friction on."

Our hero turned his attention away from his waifu and looked towards the nearby fillies.

"So, ladies!" our hero called out.

"Yeah!" they responded.

"Ladies!"

"Yeah!"

"If you wanna roll in my Mercedes-"

"Yeah!"

"-Then turn around! Stick it out! Even white boys got to shout baby got back!"

Our hero turned back to Cheerilee, who flashed him a quick smile.

"Baby got back!

Yeah, baby ... when it comes to females, Cosmo ain't got nothin'

to do with my selection. 36-24-36? Ha ha, only if she's 5'3."

The two of them made their way to the center of the dance floor and started to shake it like Saigon.

"So your girlfriend rolls a Honda, playin' workout tapes by Fonda

But Fonda ain't got a motor in the back of her Honda

My anaconda don't want none

Unless you've got buns, hun

You can do side bends or sit-ups,

But please don't lose that butt

Some brothers wanna play that "hard" role

And tell you that the butt ain't gold

So they toss it and leave it

And I pull up quick to retrieve it

So Cosmo says you're fat

Well I ain't down with that!

'Cause your waist is small and your curves are kickin'

And I'm thinkin' bout stickin'

To the beanpole dames in the magazines:

You ain't it, Miss Thing!

Give me a sister, I can't resist her

Red beans and rice didn't miss her

Some knucklehead tried to dis

'Cause his girls are on my list

He had game but he chose to hit 'em

And I pull up quick to get wit 'em

So ladies, if the butt is round,

And you want a triple X throw down,

Dial 1-900-MIXALOT

And kick them nasty thoughts

Baby got back!"

Everyone gathered around the center and began singing together.

"Little in the middle but she got much back!

Little in the middle but she got much back!

Little in the middle but she got much back!

Little in the middle but she got much back!"

As the song ended and was replaced by As The World Turns by Eminem, Cheerilee leaned up against Spiderman, her mane and coat soaked with perspiration. She wiped some sweat off her forehead with her right forehoof and smiled up at our hero.

"I think I'm going to get some punch. Care to join me?" she asked.

"Lawl k."

The two slowly made their way through the surrounding army of dancing fillies and colts, Cheerilee leaning up against our hero for support. Spiderman had the feeling that if a feminist read this chapter, she'd cry oppression because of Cheerilee's need for support.

"Lawl feminazi scum." our hero said under his breath.

"What was that?" the pink maned teacher inquired.

"Nothing lawl."

The couple found themselves at the punch table several moments later, where the single fat fucks were hanging out, casually sipping at punch and watching couple dance with jealous eyes.

It was time to do them a favor.

"Cheerilee, look over there!" Spiderman exclaimed, pointing across the room.

"Huh?!" she exclaimed, looking where our hero had pointed. While she was distracted, Spiderman reached into his non-existant pockets and pulled out a bottle of vodka, then poured it into the punch and mixed it before anypony was any the wiser.

"Lawl. Sorry, I though I saw Cthulhu."

"Oh..."

The teacher shrugged and poured herself a glass of punch and drank it down like it was nothing.

"Huh..."

"What? Lawl."

"Somepony beat me to spiking the punch..."

An hour later, most of the colts and fillies had left. Only a few stragglers from Ms. Cheerilee's class remained, casually drinking the spiked punch and talking about how they were smelling colors.

Suddenly, In Your Eyes by Peter Gabriel started to play over the stereo system. The remaining children smiled to each other, paired up and started slow dancing. Even the remaining fatsos got some action.

Our hero heard someone clear their throat behind him.

"Spiderman...? May I have this dance?" Cheerilee asked, looking up at our hero

"Lawl k." our hero responded.

The teacher smiled, wrapping her tail around his right arm and leading him towards the center of the dance floor. As they reached the center, Cheerilee reared up and leaned against our hero, wrapping her hooves around his neck.

Cheerilee rested her head on Spiderman's shoulder as they rocked back and forth to the melody of the song.

"You know... I didn't exactly get a chance to go to prom." Cheerilee said.

"Hmm?"

"Nopony would've given a nerd like me the time of the day, let alone ask me out to prom."

But... dat booty...

"That sucks lawl." our hero responded.

The mare buried her face into our hero's neck. He felt his neck dampen. "Thank you, Spiderman."

"It's not biggie. Lawl."

Because Biggie is- (the writer was then killed by the ghost of Biggie Smalls before he could finish his joke).

As the song came to an end, Cheerilee looked into our hero's eyes, her eyes glistening with tears of happiness as she leaned forward and pulled up his mask with her teeth, before planting a gentle kiss on his lips.

"No... you have no idea how much this means to me." Cheerilee said as she broke the kiss.

Later that night, Spiderman stared at the ceiling as he lay on his bed, thinking about the past day. Da booty, the dance, the musical number, and that kiss.

UNF! UNF! UNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNF! It was too much to handle.

He reached into his spidey suit and started jerking off.

"Everyone's off getting laid... and I'm just lying here, masturbating. Lawl."

Beside him, Fluffles wished dearly for his own room.

CHOOSE YOUR PATH, WAIFU STEALER!

()Go out clubbing with the talking velociraptor gentleman and Lyra

()Go chill with Discord and his bitch

()Go to the new bar in town with Twilight and get drunk

()Bake with Pinkie Pie. Acquire money and pot brownies

()Smoke weed with Luna then play some Haylo with her

()Smoke weed with Applejack and help her take down some rival dealers

()Play video games with Spike

()Teach Fluffles the meaning of friendship

()Teach Fluttershy how to french kiss THEN GET FRIENDZONED BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T DO THIS FIRST

()Volunteer at a cripple pony school with Fluttershy and attempt to score

()Take the CMC and Luna skydiving. What could possibly go wrong?

()Fight in a gladiator tournament with Ms. Cheerilee

()Help Rarity design a kickass new Spidey suit and get sum fuk

()Take Rainbow Dash to the club and help her get over herself (RAINBOW DASH TIER THREE UNLOCKED)

PSA #2: How Shit Works

"Hi, my name's Twilight Sparkle." Twilight greeted, waving at the camera.

"And I'm Fluffles, apparently, and we're here for another PSA." Fluffles said, flashing the camera a thumbs up.

"Since we've introduced the readers choice feature into the story, it has since become very popular. It shows how many active readers this story still has, and it keeps the writers inspired to keep going. Good for you." the Marine Lieutenant said.

"However... there is a bit of a predicament."

"We fear you guys do not fully grasp the fact that you're choices will effect other storylines."

"You see, if things keep going the way they are, you will not have a harem. You'll only have Cheerilee. And while she may have a booty-"

"She dooooooooooooooooo!" Twilight interjected.

"-choosing her over and over again will lead to you just being able to have Cheerilee as a romantic option. Which is great for those of you who love Cheerilee. You automatically unlock the waifu tier and gain extra storyline and you get the Cheerilee ending."

"Not to mention, waifu points extend to the sequel." the purple unicorn threw in.

"Also, consider the following. Once you finish with all the Cheerilee chapters, you're done with her until the end of the story. Wouldn't it be wiser to space out a favored character, or perhaps save the best for the end?"

"Real nigga talk."

"Anyways, we'll leave it at that. Next chapter, consider the consequences of choosing the same storyline over and over again. Because you're about to receive another friend zoning."

"That's no good."

Walk into the club like what up I got a big cock

Take Rainbow Dash to the club.
Seriously guys, lets get a few ponies in our harem. There will be time for teh bootay later.

QUICK! WE NEED TO ADD RD TO THE HAREM!

Oh, we can't have that, Spidey needs a harem, not just one waifu
You have to spread the word on that since no one (including myself) knew the implications.
I thought it was like how Skyrim works where you can choose one quest then go back for the others.
Oh no, What have we done

Sorry Cheerilee lovers, but this time...

No booty.

Sort of.

-Love, Will

Rainbow Dash slowly opened her eyes, the suns rays breaking through her shattered window-

Wait, that’s not right.

“WHERE’S THE JOKER?!” Spiderman demanded as pounced upon the newly awaken mare.

“W-what? Spiderman, what are you doing?!”

“FUCK YOU I’M BATMAN!” our hero screeched as he jumped up and down on the bed like a semi-retarded baboon, waving his arms about in the air like he just don’t care. Which he doesn’t. Spiderman doesn’t give a fuck.

“What the heck! What’s wrong with you, Spiderman?!” she demanded, angry at his intrusion.

“Lawl I dunno.” he answered truthfully. Real nigga talk.

The rainbow maned pony ignored the hero, rising out of bed and running to the bathroom. Five minutes later, she left the room, her messy bed mane tied up in a neat bun.

“So, Spiderman, why are you here?” the librarian asked as she grabbed her glasses and put it on.

“I’m here to help you get over yourself. Lawl.” our hero responded.

“G-get over myself?”

“You can be a bit of an uptight cunt at times," a new voice answered.

Rainbow Dash glanced around for the source of the voice and found Twilight standing behind her.

“But-“

“No buts.” Twilight interrupted.

“Yeah. Lawl. This ain’t a Cheerilee chapter.” Spiderman said.

UNF! Dat booty. Dat ass is just like cash. UNF! UNNNNNNNNNNF!

“What’s a Cheerilee cha-“

“I dunno. Lawl.” our hero said, interrupting the rainbow maned librarian.

“That’s not important. What is important is helping you.” Twilight said.

“But I don’t want any help! I like being who I am!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed.

“Tough shit.”

Spiderman and Twilight walked into the Salt Lick, the town’s only bar. Every other bar that opened up in town would mysteriously burn down. Spiderman wasn’t a detective or anything, because he was simply too stupid to figure out anything beyond getting lucky every so often, but he had a feeling that the bar keep’s connections with the Equestrian Mafia played a role in it.

Oh well. Black Jack, the owner of the bar, was a pretty cool guy. Eh burns down the competition and isn’t afraid of anything.

The two regulars were soon followed by a reluctant rainbow maned Pegasus, who did her best to hide behind her two companions.

“Spidey! Twilight! My two favorite regulars!” Black Jack exclaimed as he spotted the two regulars. “What can I get you two?”

“A pint of your finest.” Twilight answered.

“Give me that nearly full bottle of Stoli. Lawl.” Spiderman said.

The bar keep nodded, filling a pint glass to the brim with some special imported brand of beer that only somepony with an officer’s salary would be able to get on a regular basis, then grabbed a bottle of Stoli and placed it in front of the two.

“Watch me drink this shit in ten seconds flat. Lawl.” our hero said.

“Spiderman, I don’t think that’s very safe…” Rainbow Dash commented.

“Implying I give a fuck.” our hero responded as brought the bottle up to his lips and started chugging. Ten seconds later, the bottle’s contents were now gone, traveling towards our hero’s impossibly strong liver.

The ponies currently inside the bar erupted into a golf clap, as if they've seen this a million times before. Rainbow Dash’s jaw dropped.

Our hero hiccupped. And that was the end of it.

“That’s a good burn. Lawl.” our hero commented.

“That’s not possible. No mortal being can handle that alcohol. Their liver would implode!”

“Hey, Rainbow Dash?” Spiderman asked.

“Huh?”

“I got something for you. Lawl.” he said, digging into his non-existent pockets. Finally, he pulls his hands out and extended them out to the librarian.

There was nothing in his hands.

“Spiderman, there is nothing there.” Rainbow Dash said.

“What? I swear I had a fuck there for you. Oh wait, silly me! I forget I don’t give a fuck. Lawl.” Spiderman said, balling his hands into fist and keeping only two fingers up. But not the pinkies or the thumbs, nor the pointer or the ring fingers, but the fingers you put up when someone pisses you off beyond belief. The fingers you put up when you need to let someone knows you just don’t give a fuck.

“I’ve found it’s best not to question his ability to drink.” Black Jack commented, “The only time I’ve seen Spiderman tipsy is the only time he completely cleaned me out of all my vodka and most of my whisky. I made thousands on ponies betting on when he would die.”

“Holla holla get capita. Dolla dolla bill ya’ll. Lawl.” Spiderman commented.

“So, what are you two doing here anyways?” Black Jack inquired. “It’s not like I don’t appreciate you guys coming in. It always brightens my day to see you two come in. But it’s a bit early for ya.”

“Lawl I dunno.”

“We’re here to get my friend Rainbow Dash to stop being an uppity cunt. I thought we could get her a little wasted then go to the club.” Twilight answered.

“I-I’m not an uppity cunt!” the rainbow maned mare exclaimed.

“See? She’s in denial. We’re hoping a night on the town will help her get over herself.”

“…Rainbow Dash… Rainbow Dash… I know that name. Weren’t you the winner of the Young Fliers competition and a Wonderbolt?” the bar keep asked.

“…yeah.” she answered.

“Whatever happened to that?” Black Jack asked.

“I dunno, to be honest.” Rainbow Dash responded with a shrug. “One day I was the top of my element, and next I know, Twilight goes off and enlists, and I decide to be the town’s new librarian. As weird as it is, all my other friends changed as well.”

“Oh?” Black Jack inquired, filling up a pint for the mare and pushing it in front of her. She flashed him a grateful smile and took the pint, gingerly taking a sip from it.

“Yeah. Twilight went from booknerd to this badass Marine. Rarity is a WWE superstar. Applejack is a drug dealer now. Fluttershy went the Element of Kindness to the Element of Not Giving a Fuck. The only pony who really hasn’t changed much is Pinkie Pie. She’s just only slightly more crazy now.”

“Funny how life works, huh?”

“Mhmm.”

“Lawl I fucked up all of your lives.”

Five hours and multiple pints of beer, two ponies drunkenly stumbled beside our hero as they made their way to the club.

“Hey Spidey!”

Spiderman looked all over the fucking place for the source of the voice like a God damn moron until he spotted Lyra standing directly in front of him, accompanied by a texting mare with candy on her ass.

“Hay. Lawl.”

“What are you up to? I haven’t seen you in ages.”

“Lawl I dunno. Stuff.”

“We’re going to the club.” Twilight answered.

“But… it’s not Friday… it’s Sunday. I thought Spiderman only got down on Friday’s.”

“Friday, Friday, gotta get down on Friday~” Spiderman sang to himself.

“Eh, whatever. Who am I to question his antics." Suddenly, the green unicorns face lit up. "Oh! Spiderman, I want to introduce you to my marefriend, Bon-Bon.”

Le friend zone face.

“Sup?” Spiderman asked the candy assed mare.

“I’m texting my dog.” she answered.

“Lawl k.”

“Me and Bon-Bon got plans, but me and you should totally hang. I’ll free Friday, if you’re looking to get down.”

“Maybe. Lawl I dunno.”

“Alright. See yah, Spidey!” she said, waving at our hero as she and her marefriend continued on her way.

Damn. No human obsessed green unicorn waifu. That feel when friend zoned.

Oh well. Maybe she’ll let him watch them make out.

As Spiderman and his two companions approached the entrance of the club, a large stallion wearing a black shirt that said SECURITY on it stepped in the way of them.

“I can tell you right now man, you ain’t getting in with that ripped up spandex on.”

Spiderman stared into the bouncer’s eyes, before glancing down and sliding between his legs, kicking him in the dick with all his strength.

A yelp of pain escaped his lips as he fell to the ground, writhing in pain.

“Lawl fuck you. No one fucks with the Spidey suit.”

“To be fair, darling, it is kind of ruined.”

A new challenger appeared before the superhero. Rarity walked up to our hero and examined his Spidey suit closely.

“Your Spidey suit is ripped, stained, dirty, and smelly. It looks like it hasn’t washed in months.”

“It hasn’t. Lawl.”

Rarity nodded. “While it’s not exactly my career anymore, fashion is still a bit of a hobby. If you come in tomorrow, I could whip you up a new Spidey suit that will put the current one to shame. What do you say?”

“Lawl maybe.”

Rarity smiled. “I suppose that’s the best answer I’ll get out of you. You guys go have your fun. If you need me, I’ll be in the VIP section snorting lines.”

The alabaster unicorn ran off as our hero delivered another kick to the bouncers stomach. After he had his fill of ass kicking, he joined his two companions and walked into the club.

As they entered, their ears were assaulted by the song Detachable Penis. Sometimes Spiderman wished he had a detachable penis. It sounded like that could be handy. But knowing him, he’d lose it and end up having to use a strap on the rest of his life. No es bueno.

“Walk into the club like what up I got a big cock! Lawl.” our hero exclaimed as he made his way onto the dance floor. Once he reached the center, he started tap dancing to the song like fucking Happy Feet, much to the amusement of the surrounding ponies, causing them to erupt into applause and cheers. Rainbow Dash and Twilight managed to catch up with Spiderman and joined in the applause.

The song ended, and was replaced by a personal favorite of our hero. Safety dance.

“LET’S GET DANGEROUS!” he declared as he started dancing like a fucking moron as the song started up.

“We can dance when we want to~” he sang, looking over to Rainbow Dash to sing along.

“…we can leave your friends behind?” the librarian failed epically.

“Because if they don’t dance~”

“They’re no friends of mine~” Rainbow Dash sang along.

“Now you’re getting it. Lawl.” our hero commented.

The two finished singing along to song and sang and danced to several of the next songs. Some Queen and Depeche Mode, then some Eminem to top it all off. Rainbow Dash really let loose and almost matched the craziness of Spiderman.

Almost.

Eventually, the two tired out and retreated to the VIP section, where Rarity and Twilight waited.

“Hay lawl.” he greeted as he and Rainbow took a seat on the couch opposite of theirs.

“Hello there, Spiderman, Rainbow Dash.” Rarity greeted.

“Looks like you were working up quite the sweat.” Twilight commented.

“You bet!” the rainbow maned mare exclaimed excitedly, untying her hair and shaking it loose, letting it fall down in a sweaty mess. “I got to admit, this has been pretty fun.”

“Lawl told you it would work.”

“Dammit.” the purple unicorn growled, hoofing over a handful of bits.

“Wait, you guys betted on me having a good time?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“I didn’t think you had it in you, truth be told.” Twilight said with a shrug

“I see. Well… I guess I should thank you for believing in me, Spidey.” she said with a pleasant smile.

“Lawl don’t mention it.”

Eventually, Twilight and Rarity went home, Rarity encouraging our hero to stop by tomorrow so she could design a new suit for him. Spiderman honestly didn’t know if he should go over. A new Spidey suit would be nice… but it truly wasn’t necessary.

Spiderman thought this over and he and Rainbow Dash left the club. Our hero took a second to kick the replacement bouncer in the balls for being a douchebag, much to the amusement of Rainbow Dash and the nearby ponies.

“Hey Spiderman?” Rainbow Dash spoke up as the two started their journey to the library.

“Yo?”

“Thank you. For tonight and all. Even though you can annoying at times, you’re a pretty good friend.” she said, smiling at our hero.

Ouch. Dat friend zone.

“Hey… uh… I was wondering…” Rainbow Dash began.

“Yes, I was love to have an orgy with you and your friends.” our hero said.

“W-what?”

“Nothing, continue. Lawl.” Spiderman said.

“I was wondering if you would… I dunno… maybe… um…”

HNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNG. She’s so adorable and a major dork. Adorkable, if you will.

“Go out?” Spiderman finished for her.

“YES! I mean… y-yeah, if you want.”

Her cuteness only made our hero’s penis harder.

“Lawl k. Sometime soon.”

“You promise?” Rainbow Dash asked, pouting cutely.

“Yeah lawl.”

“Great! See you then.” she said. After a moments hesitation, she lifted off the ground and placed a quick peck onto our hero’s cheek, then flew off at top speeds.

CHOOSE YOUR PATH, MASTER OF USED TISSUES

()Go pay Rarity a visit and get a new bitchin' Spidey suit (RECOMMENDED)

()Show Two Girls, One Cup to the school children and provide commentary with the help of Applejack (SCHOOLHOUSE TIER FOUR UNLOCKED)

()Go out clubbing with the talking velociraptor gentleman and Lyra (UNLOCKED AGAIN IN FIVE CHAPTERS)

()Go chill with Discord and his bitch

()Go to the new bar in town with Twilight and get drunk

()Bake with Pinkie Pie. Acquire money and pot brownies

()Smoke weed with Luna then play some Haylo with her

()Smoke weed with Applejack and help her take down some rival dealers

()Play video games with Spike

()Teach Fluffles the meaning of friendship

()Teach Fluttershy how to french kiss THEN GET FRIENDZONED BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T DO THIS FIRST

()Volunteer at a cripple pony school with Fluttershy and attempt to score

()Take the CMC and Luna skydiving. What could possibly go wrong?

()Fight in a gladiator tournament with Ms. Cheerilee

Bitch I be stylin on you

*RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIP*

"OH SHIT!" Spiderman exclaimed.

"I see London, I see Prance, I see Spiderman's floppy and limp cock~" Fluttershy sang.

"Lawl." Upon making his way out the front door, our hero got his spidey suit caught in the door. Due to inferior Chinese stitching and years upon years of misuse, his suit ripped apart, revealing his massive cock to the world.

"Spiderman, I do not believe it's wise to go out like that." Fluffles advised.

"I don't give a fuck lawl." he said as he continued on, his Spidey suit continuing to fall apart until only his mask remained. As he made his way into town, there were gasps of shock and cries of terror.

"My word! It's huge!" one mare exclaimed.

"Mommy, there's a giant snake between his legs!" an innocent filly said.

"That ain't no snake." a zigger exclaimed.

"Who said you could talk to ponies, boy?" one of Applejack's cousins asked.

As the ponies in the immediate area turned their attention to the zebra, our hero quickly moved on. Eventually, he found himself outside of Rarity's boutique. He quickly walked up to the door and slammed on the door.

"Coming~" Rarity's voice sang from inside. Our hero heard the clippity-clop of Rarity's hoofsteps as she approached the front door. He heard several locks get unlocked before the door lurched open, revealing an alabaster unicorn.

"Hello Spide- MY WORD IT'S BIGGER THAN BIG MAC'S DICK!" she exclaimed in shock upon noticing Spiderman's enormous Spidey dick hanging limply in between his legs.

"Lawl hi." our hero greeted.

"GET IN HERE!" she ordered.

"Lawl k." he said, walking inside of the boutique. The alabaster unicorn slammed the door behind him.

"What happened?! Where's your Spidey suit?!" Rarity demanded.

"I like to feel the breeze between my knees!" our hero exclaimed, striking a pose.

"Indeed... shall we begin?"

"Lawl k."

Rarity waved to the hero to follow her as she walked upstairs.

Instead, our hero ran back outside and swooced through the upstairs window, which was open much to his dismay.

"You certainly know how to make an entrance, Spiderman." Rarity commented, picking up our hero and a ruler with her telekenesis.

"I know lawl." he said as Rarity placed him on a stand and carefully did his measurements. After writing down his measurements in a nearby notepad, she made her way over to the drawing table.

"Spiderman, I'll be a couple hours. Why don't you go find something to make yourself useful?" Rarity asked.

"No. Fuck you." our hero said, as he starting to make his way out of the room.

"Wait!" the unicorn shouted.

Before our hero could tell her to fuck off, he felt something soft and warm get wrapped around his body. He looked down and found that a robe had been wrapped around him.

"My little sister is out there. While I do not mind at all watching you strut around here naked, I don't want to expose her to such things." Rarity explained.

"Lawl I don't give a flying fuck." our hero said, opening his robe and exposing his manhood to Rarity, before closing it and skipping out of the room.

Downstairs, our hero spotted a newly awaken filly munching on a bowl of cereal. She was just as white as Rarity, and had a curly purple and pink mane, as well as a tail to match.

"Om nom nom." she said as she ate her cereal like a dog.

"Aye girl." Spiderman greeted.

The filly damn near choked on her cereal. "S-Spiderman?" she managed to get out, her jaw dropping in shock.

"Lawl hi." our hero said, taking a seat beside the filly.

"W-what are y-you doing here?"

"Lawl I dunno." he answered.

"Oh..."

Sweetie Belle went back to eating her cereal, though she would occasionally peak back up at our hero like a curious puppy. Let's just hope curiosity doesn't kill the dog this time around.

Wait, that's not-

"Hey Spiderman?" Sweetie Belle asked as she finished off her cereal.

"Yo."

"Do you want to play with me...?" she asked, giving our hero some major puppy eyes.

"HNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNG!" Spiderman exclaimed, clutching his heart as he fell out of his chair, rolling around on the floor like a fucking idiot, pretending to have a heart attack.

"SPIDERMAN?!" she exclaimed in shock.

Our hero rose off the ground. "K. What did you have in mind? Lawl."

"...wanna play some Haylo 2?"

Haylo 2... the imported name for Halo 2. Kickass.

"Fuck yeah."

After several hours of playing split screen co-op and slayer with Sweetie Belle, Rarity descended the staircase and stood in front of the TV, looking full of herself like she accomplished something.

That bitch.

"DOWN IN FRONT!" Spiderman exclaimed.

"Spiderman, the game can wait, your new suit is ready." Rarity said.

"Bitchin'. Lawl." our hero said.

Sweetie Belle paused the game as our hero rose off the couch they had been sitting on and followed the alabaster unicorn upstairs. The small unicorn filly watched the superhero go, then unpaused the game once he disappeared from sight, killing Spidey's AFK character over and over again.

"You snooze you lose." the filly commented, t-bagging our hero's character.

Meanwhile, upstairs, Rarity skipped her way over to something draped in a white sheet.

"Are you ready to see perfection, Spiderman?" Rarity asked.

"No."

"..."

"..."

"...now?"

"Nope. Lawl."

"How about no."

"Nah."

"NOW?!"

"Lawl k."

Rarity rolled her eyes and activated her horn, lifting the sheet up and revealing the Spidey Suit 2.0 that was hidden underneath.

"Behold! The fruits of my labor."

"Looks different." our hero commented.

"Indeed it does. That's because it's what is known of a nanosuit. It's a little something I crafted with the help of magic, hard work, and a pinch of stolen alien technology."

"Bitchin'."

"This suit will increase your strength and speed by at least two hundred and fifty percent. It has the ability to withstand anything from a simple punch to multiple impacts from a rocket launcher. It has a built in AI that will help you in everything from everyday tasks to heated combat. It will also overtime enhance your penis size up to one hundred and twenty five percent, perfect for oppressing feminists by beating them down to ground for their own stupidity."

"Lawl."

"Now, as for your new mask. Your new mask is crafted with the same material as your suit, though it is much lighter to allow for ventilation and easy removal. It has infrared, night, and x-ray vision, as well as the most advanced translation software available to ponykind. It also has the ability to form any drink you desire from the moisture in the air and serve it to your through a small, extendable straw built into the mask."

"Kickass lawl."

"Oh! And one more thing. I was able to recreate the scents of that Old Spice body wash you gave me and enchanted it so it could smell like Old Spice permanently. You can change what type of Old Spice it will smell like at will."

Our hero's mind turned to Black Jesus's robe, which had the exact same enchantment.

He was going to be so fucking jealous.

A single tear rolled down our hero's cheek, caused by the sheer beauty of the Spidey Suit 2.0. "By the Spice..."

That afternoon in Ponyville was so tranquil, so peaceful. Everypony was out playing and having fun. Birds sang and chirped happily as they flew around. Ponyville's gangs got together and chilled instead of blasting each other like usual. The unicorns sipped tea with party liquor drinking zebras.

Nothing could ruin-

"GOTTA GO FAST!"

Out of nowhere came 60's Era Spiderman, suited up in his nanosuit as he charged through the Ponyville downtown at speeds of sixty nine miles per hour.

As two rival gangs initiated a gang truce, our hero trampled over a hugging pair of rival gang members.

"Oh shit. Lawl."

"Yo homie, what the fuck you think you're doing?!" a gang member demanded, pulling out his handgun and aiming it at the nanosuit wearing hero. The two nearby gangs followed his example.

"Lawl I dunno."

"KILL THIS MOTHER FUCKER."

As the gangs opened fire, our hero activated his suit's armor mode. The suit easily absorbed the hail of bullets sent his way.

Soon, the bullets stopped coming, as the gangbangers ran out of ammo.

"My turn lawl."

Our hero produced a handful grenades, activated them, and threw them in all directions.

"GOTTA GO FAST!" he declared as he sprinted out of there at top speeds, moments before the grenades detonated and wiped out the two gangs.

"Top lel." our hero commented.

CHOOSE YOUR PATH, SUPERHERO!

()Fight in a gladiator tournament with Ms. Cheerilee

()Show Two Girls, One Cup to the school children and provide commentary with the help of Applejack

()...go on an awkward date with Rainbow Dash(RAINBOW DASH TIER FOUR UNLOCKED)

()Go out clubbing with the talking velociraptor gentleman and Lyra (UNLOCKED AGAIN IN FOUR CHAPTERS)

()Go chill with Discord and his bitch

()Go to the new bar in town with Twilight and get drunk

()Bake with Pinkie Pie. Acquire money and pot brownies

()Smoke weed with Luna then play some Haylo with her

()Smoke weed with Applejack and help her take down some rival dealers

()Play video games with Spike

()Teach Fluffles the meaning of friendship

()Teach Fluttershy how to french kiss THEN GET FRIENDZONED BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T DO THIS FIRST

()Volunteer at a cripple pony school with Fluttershy and attempt to score

()Take the CMC and Luna skydiving. What could possibly go wrong?

BILLY MAYS MINUTE 2: ELECTRIC FUCKING BUNGALOO

"HI BILLY MAYS HERE WITH THE BILLY MAYS MINUTE. IT'S TIME TALK ABOUT YOUR BROS AND THOSE HOT MARES YOU FIND YOURSELF SURROUNDED BY. WHO WANTS YOUR COCK?! WHO FRIENDZONED YOU?! LET'S FIND THE FUCK OUT!"

"CHEERILEE DIGS YOUR SHIT. WHICH IS GOOD. HAVE YOU SEEN THAT BOOTY?! UNF! I HAD TO STARE AT THAT BOOTY AFTER SEEING MILEY CYRUS'S ASS. DAMN. SHE'S GOT NOTHING GOING ON FOR HER. BILLY RAY CYRUS MUST BE FUCKING DISAPPOINTED. ANYWAYS, YOU KEEP IT UP, AND YOU'LL GET DAT BOOTY!"

"RAINBOW DASH IS CRUSHING HARD ON YOU. DAMN. THAT LIBRARIAN IS FUCKING HOT. SHE'S NO CHEERILEE, BUT DAMN, DON'T LET THAT GO AWAY."

"YOU'VE BEEN FRIENDZONED BY LYRA SINCE THE LAST BILLY MAYS MINUTE, AND YOU'RE PRETTY CLOSE WITH A FEW OTHER PONIES. THAT'S A FUCKING SHAME. OH WELL."

"YOU'RE STILL FRIENDZONED BY FLUTTERSHY, AND FLUFFLES IS STILL YOUR BRO. HURRAY."

"YOUR SPIDEY SUIT HAS GRANT YOU SUPER STRENGTH, SUPER SPEED, SUPER ENDURANCE, STEALTH, AND THE ABILITY TO CONSUME RED BULL, MOUNTAIN DEW, AND PARTY LIQUOR ANYWHERE YOU ARE. YOU'RE JUST LIKE THAT GUY FROM CRYSIS. I'M WILLING TO BET THE AVENGERS WILL REGRET NOT INVITING YOU, AND THOSE FUCKING TEENAGE MUTATED TURTLES WHO PRACTICE MARTIAL ARTS WILL REGRET KICKING YOU OUT OF THE AVENGERS 2. THIS WILL HELP YOU GREATLY IN COMBAT, SUCH AS THE UPCOMING GLADIATOR FIGHT WITH CHEERILEE BY YOUR SIDE. OH YEAH! YOU GUYS SHOULD TOTALLY FUCKING DO THAT!"

"A LOT OF PONIES AND OTHER MAGICAL TALKING CREATURES ARE FEELING LEFT OUT. PERHAPS YOU SHOULD STOP LEAVING THEM AT TIER ONE. I DUNNO. JUST MY ADVICE. I DON'T GIVE A SHIT."

"NOW GET OUT THERE AND FUCKING VOTE." Billy Mays said, before picking up a handgun and shooting out the camera.

Of Haylo and Swapping Feces

"Peasant scum." Prince Blueblood said, spitting in some random homeless ponies face for no reason other than his own personal enjoyment. It was good being royalty. Being able to get away with anything. Not have any responsibilities other than making other feel bad.

"Ahhh... life is-"

"BEEP BEEP FAGGOT!" someone screeched. As the prince glanced around for the source of the shouting, he was knocked to the ground by a large, bi-pedal creature in a red suit. On his chest was a symbol of a spider. It was fucking 60's Era Spiderman. What a pleb.

"HOW DARE YOU!? DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!" Blueblood demanded.

"A faggot." Spiderman answered.

"THAT'S IT, I CHALLENGE YOU TO A DUEL!"

"Please, for the love of God, stop being a faggot." our hero begged.

The princes eye twitched, before he unsheathed his sword and lunged towards our hero. Spiderman just stood there, not giving a fuck as Blueblood quickly closed the distance between the two and swung.

"IT'S TIME TO D-D-D-D-D-DUEL!"

Our hero grabbed the sword's blade midair and squeezed, causing it to shatter due to our hero's unmatched strength.

As the noble stared up at our hero in shock, mouth agape, our hero picked him up by the tail and brought the nobles face up to his. "My turn lawl." our hero said.

Spiderman threw the noble to the ground, grabbed his tail, and started the drag him towards the palace. Everypony in Canterlot watched our hero dragged the prince, who was begging for mercy, throughout the city. He passed by the guards manning the palace's entrance and waved cheerfully to them.

"HELP ME YOU MORONS!" Blueblood shouted at the guards.

"Should we do something?" the younger one asked his senior.

"Nah. Whatever Spiderman does to that prick, he probably deserves."

"Oorah."

Our hero continued through the palace, the staff and guards looking on as Spiderman dragged him up to the highest point of the palace, Luna's observatory. Nopony wants to do anything, because of how much of a douche Blueblood was. A few ever cheered our hero on.

"Hay Luna." our hero greeted as he kicked down the door of the observatory and dragged the prince in behind him.

"SPIDERMAN?! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" Luna demanded.

"Lawl I dunno." he answered, dragging Blueblood out to the balcony. He let the stallion go momentarily, allowing the prince to attempt to escape. However, before he could move an inch, the hero grabbed him his neck and held him over the edge.

"You sorry?" our hero asked.

"YES! YES! I'M SORRY! I'LL CHANGE MY WAYS! I'LL BECOME A PONIES PRINCE! HAVE MERCY!"

"Implying I give a fuck." our hero said, pulling a grenade from his utility belt and shoving it down the nobles throat, then tossing him up in the air and kicking him in his testicles as hard as he could, sending the prince flying. Seconds later, the grenade detonated inside of him, and Blueblood's blood and guts rained down on the ponies below.

Everypony in Canterlot cheered for our hero.

Our hero turned around, and ran straight into the empress of the night.

"Spiderman, are you crazy?" the empress asked.

"Bitch, I might be."

"You should knock first. Even mares got to clop every so often."

Our hero made a clicking noise with his mouth. "Niiiiiiice~"

"Well, while you're here, Spidey, would you like to play some Halo?" Luna asked.

"Fuck yeah. Let's do this shit."

"FUCK YOU! YOU FUCKING ROCKET WHORE!"

Luna's Spartan fell to the ground after being consumed by a rocket's fiery explosion.

"Get wrecked." Spiderman commented, his Spartan running up to the fallen empresses Spartan's corpse and t-bagging the shit out of her.

"Woah! Is that a chick?!" someone asked.

"Yeah, and she has a bigger dick than you." Luna answered as she ran forward and grabbed the spartan laser.

"IMA CHARGIN MY LASER!" she explained as she unleashed the spartan lasers high powered laser beam on a helpless mongoose, scoring a double kill.

Suddenly, the xbox, TV, and all the lights went off.

"Oh fuck."

"Lolwut."

"Power outage."

"Oh..." Spiderman said, "well this sucks."

Before Luna could do anything, Spiderman chucked the controller at the wall and turned to her. "LET'S GO FAST!"

"W-WHAT?!"

"GOTTA GO FAST!" our hero exclaimed, activating his superspeed and jumping out the window.

Later that morning, our hero found himself in the Sweet Apple Acres. He didn't know how he got there, he just ended up there. Randomly. Fucking writers.

"Howdy Spidey, haven't seen you in a while." Applejack greeted as she approached our hero. The two bumped their fists and hooves together in a display of camaraderie, before exchanging a quick hug. After this, Applejack handed our hero a blunt and lit it for him.

"I've been out chasing da booty. Lawl. Sorry." our hero said as he took a long drag of his joint, held it in for a bit, then let it all out.

"...what? Mah booty not good enough for ya, Spidey?" Applejack asked, playfully flashing our hero her well toned behind.

UNF! LOOK AT DAT BOOTY! SHOW ME DA BOOTY! GIMME DA BOOTY! I WANT DA BOOTY! BACK UP DA BOOTY! I NEED DA BOOTY! I LIKE DA BOOTY! AH, WHAT A BOOTY! I CRAVE DA BOOTY!

"Spiderman...? Is there something wrong, sugarcube?"

"Sorry, booty moment. Lawl." our hero responded.

"SPIDERMAN!" a familiar voice called out.

Our hero and Applejack turned towards the source of the voice to spot a certain bootilicious teacher running towards them. They say that Spidermans pants grew three sizes that moment.

"Unf." was all our hero could get out.

The teacher screeched to a halt in front of the two, out of breath from her run. After taking a few moments to regain her composure, she put on a big smile and cleared her throat. "Spiderman, I request your assistance."

"Ballin'."

"Well... not really... the kids just really want to see you again. Would you mind doing something fun with them?"

"Only if I can bring my homie Applejack."

"Yay! Ah can be in something for once!" Applejack exclaimed happily, jumping for joy.

"Lawl. Poor background pony."

"Sure, she can come along. See you two after lunch." Cheerilee said, walking away from the two and giving a hero a good view of her booty.

UNF! DAT ASS!

"Shall we, Spiderman?" Applejack asked.

"Lawl k."

The lunch bell was just ringing as our hero and his orange country mare companion entered. The children rushed in past them, a few sending cheerful greetings to Spiderman. As usual, Applejack didn't get any love, much to her disappointment.

Being Applejack is suffering.

A few minutes later, the two found themselves outside Cheerilee's classroom.

"You ready?" our hero asked.

"Yeah."

"Remember, no Russian."

"W-what?"

Our hero produced a handgun out of fucking no where. "LET'S DO THIS SHIT!"

"SPIDERMAN WHAT THE FUCK?!" Applejack exclaimed.

Spiderman kicked open the classroom door, waving his gun around. Cheerilee's mouth dropped in shock as the kids screamed in fear.

"LEROOOOOOOOOOOOY JENKIIIIIIIIIIINS!" he exclaimed as he pulled the trigger and an endless stream of water squirted out. He continued to wave it around, get all of the kids wet and completely drenching that diamond tiara wearing bitch.

"BY THE EMPRESS!" Cheerilee exclaimed in shock, "Spiderman, I thought you snapped or something... you gave me quite the scare."

She pouted at our hero in an unbelievably cute manner, almost giving our hero a heart attack.

"Lawl sorry." Spiderman apologized, before turning to the kids, "HEY KIDS!"

"Hey Spiderman!" the kids responded.

"Today, we're going to watch a little video. And me and my friend Applejack are going to provide commentary. Sound good!?"

"YEAH!" the kids responded.

"Bitchin'. Lawl. Applejack, put that shit in and play it."

The orange farm pony nodded, taking the tape and stuffing it into the nearby VCR. Our hero swore he heard the VCR moan upon insertion, but realized that was absurd.

A beautiful piano melody began to play as the video started up, revealing two qt 3.14s making out with each other.

Our hero made a clicking sound. "Niiiiiiiiiiice~"

Applejack lit a blunt and began blazing it, watching the video progress.

"Oh boy! Here it comes! Lawl." our hero exclaimed.

One of the girls squatted over a cup, and a long stream of shit fell out of her asshole, filling the cup to the brim.

"EEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!" the kids exclaimed.

"That's bigger than anything I could shit. Lawl."

"I once took a shit so big that it filled the entire toilet, I SHIT YOU NOT!" Applejack said.

"Awesome. Lawl."

The video continued, the girl who took a shit in the cup picking up the cup and down the entire thing of shit. She then leaned towards to the other girl and pushed the shit into her mouth.

"DEAR LUNA WHAT THE FUCK?!" Sweetie Belle exclaimed.

"Lawl this is hot." our hero said, rubbing at his groin.

"Spiderman, what are you doing?" Applejack asked.

"Not so sneaky wank lawl."

After several minutes of shit swapping, the video ended, and our hero turned towards the class.

"WHO WANTS CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM?!" he asked.

In unison, the children vomited.

CHOOSE YOUR PATH, WARRIOR!

()There’s a new mall. Let’s go exploring with Rarity and your pet raptor (RARITY TIER TWO UNLOCKED)

()Fight in a gladiator tournament with Ms. Cheerilee

()Go out clubbing with the talking velociraptor gentleman and Lyra (UNLOCKED AGAIN IN FIVE CHAPTERS)

()Go chill with Discord and his bitch

()Go to the new bar in town with Twilight and get drunk

()Bake with Pinkie Pie. Acquire money and pot brownies

()Smoke weed with Luna then play some Haylo with her

()Smoke weed with Applejack and help her take down some rival dealers

()Play video games with Spike

()Teach Fluffles the meaning of friendship

()Teach Fluttershy how to french kiss THEN GET FRIENDZONED BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T DO THIS FIRST

()Volunteer at a cripple pony school with Fluttershy and attempt to score

()Take the CMC and Luna skydiving. What could possibly go wrong?

Author's Notes:

Note: I never actually watched 2 girls 1 cup. My apologies if I fucked up.

You can't Flim Flam the Zim Zam (politically incorrect version)

I know ya'll are expecting Spiderman, but recently, my story was rejected for being too controversial. So, naturally, I'm going to post it here so people can read the politically incorrect version. A new chapter of Spiderman will be released on Sunday. No need to vote this time around, as I already know what I'm writing. Just tell me what you think. If you like it, upvote and favorite when the politically correct version comes out.

Now, I present to you, You can't Flim Flam the Zim Zam.

A loud yawn escaped Twilight Sparkles lips as she awoke from her slumber. She smacked her lips as she rolled out of bed and made her way into her bathroom. She hopped into the shower and turned it on, smiling as a torrent of perfectly warm water drenched her tail to snout. After shampooing her mane and rinsing away the suds, she quickly dried off, brushed her teeth, and did her mane. She glanced at her reflection and stared at her usual mane style.

"Eh... I'm going to try something different." she commented. Grabbing a stray hairband from the bathroom counter, the librarian pulled her long flowing mane back with her telekinesis and wrapped the hairband around it. She looked back at the mirror and looked at her new ponytail from several angles.

Satisfied with her work, the mare raced downstairs and made her way to the kitchen. She put water on the kettle for some tea and opened up the fridge. Feeling too lethargic for cooking, she grabbed some leftover hayfries, put them on a dish, and tossed it inside of the microwave for thirty seconds.

While she waited for her hayfries to warm up, she spotted her number one assistant/slave running downstairs with a sack over her head.

"Good morning Spike." she said.

"NO TIME! GOTTA DASH!" he shouted as he ran out the door and slammed it behind him. She could hear screaming in fear as he ran away from the library.

The purple unicorn shook her head in disappoint as the microwave beeped it was ready. As she brought her hot plate of hayfries over to the dining room table, the tea kettle started to whine. As she made her way back into the kitchen, she made a mental note to invent an insult equating Rarity to a tea kettle for future use. After preparing her cup of tea, she made her way back to the dining room and gobbled down her hayfries and chased it down with a bit of tea.

"Mmmmm..."

After putting her dishes away, she opened the door with her telekinesis and made her way outside.

The sounds of air raid sirens were music to her ears as she watched several ponies running up the street, looks of fear on their face.

"Good morning Fluttershy!" she greeted as she spotted Fluttershy running past the library, followed by dozens of frightened woodland creatures.

"RUN BITCH RUN!" she responded.

"Alright, have a good day, Fluttershy!" she said, waving at the fleeing butter yellow pegasus.

"GOTTA GO FAST!" a flock of special foals exclaimed as they ran past her library.

Twilight walked out into the street and looked in the direction everypony was running away from.

"IT'S HAPPENING!" Ron Paul said as flew by in his Supercongressman costume, "I TRIED TO STOP THIS!"

Ignoring the congressman, the unicorn peered into the distance, spotting a large dust cloud approaching Ponyville, and fast.

She continued to casually sip at her tea as she watched the approaching dust cloud. As it grew closer, she spotted what was causing the dust cloud.

She saw dozens of zebras, as the smell of watermelon, purple drank, and fried chicken filled the air.

"OH SHIT!" Twilight exclaimed, dropping her tea in shock, turning tail, and running.

But one does not simply outrun a zebras. Twilight would have known this if she watched the Olympics more often.

"OOGA BOOGA WHERE DA UNICORNS AT?!" they all chanted.

"THERE'S ONE!" one exclaimed, pointing at the fleeing Twilight.

"OOGA BOOGA THERE BE A UNICORN!" they all chanted, chasing after the fleeing unicorn. Twilight noticed them chasing after her and she cried in terror, trying her best outrun the approaching zebras army. But it was useless, considering Twilight spent most of her time inside reading and these zebras had the endurance and speed of an Kenyan Olympic runner. It wasn't even ten seconds later when Twilight found herself get knocked to the ground. She looked around for some way to escape, but found herself completely surrounded by zebras.

"SOMEPONY! HELP! PLEASE?!" she begged. Everypony in town watched from their home's windows, tears steaming down their faces.

"WE BOSS ZEBRAS NOW. THEY WON'T SAVE YOU!"

The zebra hoard slowly started to approach the lone purple unicorn. She curled up in a ball and started to cry, knowing what was coming.

*BANG*

Everypony stopped what they were doing and looked towards the source of the bang, and spotted a a cloaked figure, a smoking black Kel-Tec PF-9 9mm handgun pointed up in the air.

"WHO YOU BE?! KILL PONY, BANG BANG, WE TOLERANT ZEBRA SOCIETY NOW, SUCK MY DICK MUH FUGGA KILL PONY YO!" one zebra exclaimed.

The cloaked figure threw off his cloak and revealed his identity to everypony. The one, the only. The enemy of thugs. The savior of neighborhood everywhere. George Zimmerman.

"My zimmies have been rustled." George Zimmerman said, bringing up his handgun and opening fire. With each round, a zebra fell to the ground, limp and bleeding. As his gun clicked empty, the zebras charged at him, screaming war cries like the savages they are.

Zimmerman pulled out a machete and charged at the mass of white and black striped thugs, machete raised over his head. As he reached the lead zebra, he brought his machete down on his head, beheading him, before kicking his corpse into the zebra hoard, managing to knock down a few zebras.

One zebra through a punch at the Zim Zam, only to have his hoof cut off and shoved up his ass for his trouble. Zimmerman then picked up the screeching zebra and beat a couple zebras down with it.

"I'm gonna beat a motherfucker with another motherfucker." Zimmerman said, before tossing the zebra he had been using as a club into a nearby wall. As the remaining zebras charged, Zimmerman reloaded his handgun and gunned down the remaining zebras.

However, little did he know, one zebra got away. The zebra hid behind a wall and pulled out his Obama provided cell phone and called his homie.

"YO HOMIES WE NEED BLACK UP. ZIMMERMAN IS KILLING HOMIES LEFT AND RIGHT!" he shouted into the phone. Zimmerman rounded the corner and kicked the zebra down, before shooting him execution style.

Zim Zam picked up the phone and held it up to his face. "I did it in self-defense." he said, before closing the phone and crushing it to dust.

He walked back out into the main street and looked into the distance, spotting the zebras black up incoming. Hundreds of zebras, rushing towards the town in a black and white blob. The smell of watermelon, purple drank, and fried chicken grew much stronger.

"Do not worry, comrade." a new voice said.

Zimmerman turned around and spotted Christopher Dorner, sporting a jetpack and a multishot grenade launcher. "I got your back." Dorner said.

The Zim Zam nodded before shaking Dorner's hand. "I'll watch the neighborhood... you watch the sky." Zimmerman said.

Dorner nodded, before activating his jetpack and flying off. The former Naval officer hovered over the approaching hoard and brought up his grenade launcher. He quickly fired off all six rounds in random areas of the crowd. They detonated one by one, sending zebras flying.

He dropped the spent grenade launcher and pulled out an M249. He dove towards the mass and opened fire, spewing hot lead into the crowd. For each round, one zebra fell. Eventually, the LMG clicked empty, and Dorner tossed it down at the crowd, managing to hit one zebra in the head, killing it through severe head trauma.

Dorner landed beside the Zim Zam, whom stood defiantly at the center of the town with an AA-12. The former LAPD officer nodded to Zimmerman, shrugging off his backpack and bringing up an AR-15.

"Are you ready?" Zimmerman asked.

Dorner nodded. "You can't corner the Dorner."

Together, the two heroes charged at the approaching zebra army, their guns blazing. Zebra after zebra fell under their firepower. All the zebras could do is watch as one by one they fell under the wall of bullets coming their way.

"RELOADING!" Dorner exclaimed, letting his spent magazine drop to the ground before loading a new one into it, before continuing his fire. The Zim Zam's AA-12 clicked empty. He dropped the automatic shotgun and drew his handgun, bringing it up to bear and continuing to fire.

Soon, only one zebra was left. He was recording our two heroes with an Obama provided phone and shaking in fear and the two approached him.

"Wh- who is ya, cra- cracka?" the surviving zebra asked.

"I'm the fucking neighborhood watch." Zimmerman replied, before emptying his handguns entire clip into the zebras chest.

All the ponies in Ponyville cheered for our heroes. Everypony came out of hiding and began to party in celebration of the deaths of hundreds of thugs, thanks to our two heroes, George Zimmerman and Christopher Dorner.

ZImmerman approached Twilight Sparkle, who looked up at him with tear stained eyes.

"T-thank you..." she said.

Zimmerman nodded. "You can't flim flam the Zim Zam."

We need a little chaos up in this bitch

The lack of blind waifus, Cheerilee booty, and AJ booty gives the writers of this fic some feels.

"NANANANANANANANANANANANA BATMAN!" our hero exclaimed as he jumped from rooftop from rooftop, Cheerilee hanging on to his back for dear life.

"BY THE EMPRESS, SPIDERMAN, YOU'RE GOING TO GET US KILLED!" Cheerilee exclaimed.

"I DON'T GIVE A FUCK!" Spiderman shouted back, continuing to jump from rooftop to rooftop with the help of his nanosuit, "I'M BATMAN!"

"Spiderman, you are most certainly not Batman. You're Spiderman." Fluffles, whom was jumping beside him, reminded him.

"I DON'T GIVE A FUCK!" our hero exclaimed, jumping off the roof, doing seven barrel rolls, then landing perfectly on his feet, striking a pose. Several nearby ponies broke out into a golf clap.

Cheerilee hopped off of our heroes back and emptied the contents of her stomach onto the ground.

"Ms. Cheerilee, are you alright?" our heroes talking raptor companion asked the teacher.

"WOOOO!" the teacher exclaimed, "LET'S DO IT AGAIN!"

"HELL YEAH!" Discord shouted, joining the trio.

"Hay lawl." our hero greeted the draconequus.

"Sup?" Discord asked.

"The struggle. Lawl."

"I FEEL YA BROTHER! THE MAN'S CRAMPING ON MY STYLE!" Discord exclaimed like a stereotypical black man.

"Lawl k."

"SPIDERMAN, ARE YOU A FRIEND OF JUSTICE?!" Discord asked.

"Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." our hero responded.

"Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee."

"Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee."

"Would you both kindly shut the fuck up?" Chrysalis asked the two bringers of chaos.

That bitch.

"Lawl k."

"Spiderman, if you are indeed a friend of justice, then you must chill with me." Discord said.

"Baller." our hero commented.

"Then what should we do?" the draconequus asked.

"Hmm..."

"Check out these fresh beats lawl." Our hero said, pulling a boombox out of his ass and placing it in front of him. He opened it, and placed his mixtape inside of it.

As it started up, he faced his small group of companions and struck a pose.

"Now this shit's about to kick off, this party looks wack

Let's take it back to straight hip-hop and start it from scratch

I'm 'bout to bloody this track up, everybody get back

That's why my pen needs a pad cause my rhymes on the ra-hag

Just like I did with addiction I'm 'bout to kick it

Like a magician, critics I turn to crickets

Got 'em still on the fence ready to pick it

But quick get impaled when I tell 'em stick it

So sick I'm looking pale, well that's my pigment

'Bout to go ham, ya bish, shout out to Kendrick

Let's bring it back to that vintage Slim, bitch!

The art of the MCing mixed with da Vinci and MC Ren

And I don't mean Stimpy's friend, bitch

Been Public Enemy since you thought PE was gym, bitch."

Discord slid in beside our hero and started dancing like a moron with him.

"Take your shoes off, let your hair down and-"

Go berserk!" Discord threw in.

"-all night long. Grow your beard out, just weird out and-"

"Go berserk!"

"-all night long!"

"We're gonna rock this house until we knock it down

So turn the volume loud, cause it's mayhem 'til the a.m.

So baby make just like K-Fed and let yourself go, let yourself go

Say fuck it before we kick the bucket

Life's too short to not go for broke

So everybody, everybody-"

"Go berzerk!"

"-shake your body."

Our hero shot up onto the ceiling and attached himself to it, and started dancing like a half-retarded Dale Gribble. Cheerilee, Chrysalis, and Fluffles looked at our hero and the draconequus

"Guess it's just the way that I'm dressed, ain't it?

Khakis pressed, Nike shoes just being fresh laced

So I guess it ain't

Dead after shave of cologne that made him just faint

Plus I just showed up with a coat fresher than wet paint

Sweet love is a chess game, check mate

But girl your body's banging, jump me in, bang bang

Yessiree Bob I was thinking the same thing

So come get on this kids rock, baw wit da baw, dang dang

P-p-p-pow pow chicka wow wow

Catch a cab, I wanna go down, br-bow-bow

Slow it down, throw in the towel, t-t-towel towel

Low it down, I don't know how, how, how, how

At least I know that I don't know

Question is are you bozos smart enough to feel stupid

Hope so, now ho."

Suddenly, there was a bright flash. Upon regaining their vision, everyone saw that Discord had joined our hero on the ceiling and was now moonwalking on it.

"Take your shoes off, let your hair down and-

"Go berserk!"

"-all night long."

"Grow your beard out, just weird out and-"

"Go berserk!"

"-all night long"

"We're gonna rock this house until we knock it down

So turn the volume loud, cause it's mayhem 'til the a.m.

So crank the bass up like crazy and let yourself go, let yourself go

Say fuck it before we kick the bucket

Life's too short to not go for broke

So everybody, everybody-"

"Go berzerk!"

"-get your vials."

"Watch this." Cheerilee said to the changeling queen standing beside her.

The teacher jumped up and bucked our hero off the ceiling.

"RIDER KICK!"

Our hero fell from the ceiling in a heep. Fluffles and Chrysalis collapsed onto each other, laughing their fucking ass off. With a bright flash, Discord joined them, laughing harder than a clown addicted to crystal meth.

As alarms sounded off inside his mask, our hero felt someone, or should I say, somepony, lay a hoof on his shoulder. He looked up and spotted Cheerilee looking down at him with an apologetic smile.

"Sorry..." she apologized.

"It's k lawl." our hero responded, rising off the ground. Seconds later, he was dancing like his usual self again. Cheerilee shrugged and joined him, shaking her booty around.

UNF. DA BOOTY. DAT BOOTY IS PURE PERFECTION. WHY DON'T THE READERS WANTS DA BOOTY LIKE SPIDERMAN DOES?!

UNF.

UNF.

UNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNF.

Our hero did the only thing a man with his IQ, an impressive negative five, could do.

He kept laying down those hot lyrics.

"They say that love is powerful as cough syrup and Styrofoam

All I know is I fell asleep and woke up in that Monte Carlo

With the ugly Kardashian

Lamar, oh sorry yo, we done both set the bar low

Bars hard, drugs hard thought that's the past

But I done did enough codeine to knock Future into tomorrow

And girl I ain't got no money to borrow

But I am tryin' to find a way to get you alone, car note

Oh, Marshall Mathers shouldn’t everybody know

Get the bar soap lathered, came ghost and called Arthur’s Cargo's

Girl you’re fixin' to get your heart broke, don’t be absurd man

You bird brained baby I ain’t called anybody baby since Birdman

Unless you’re a swallow

Word, w-word man you heard, but don’t be discouraged girl

This is your jam, unless you got toe jam."

"Take your shoes off, let your hair down and-"

"Go berserk!" Cheerilee chimed in this time.

"-all night long. Grow your beard out, just weird out and-"

"Go berserk!"

"-all night long."

"We're gonna rock this house until we knock it down

So turn the volume loud, cause it's mayhem 'til the a.m.

So crank the bass up like crazy and let yourself go, let yourself go

Say fuck it before we kick the bucket

Life's too short to not go for broke

So everybody, everybody-"

"Go berzerk!"

"-get your vials."

"Now everyone sing along! Lawl." our hero exclaimed.

And so, besides Chrysalis because she's a cunt, joined in.

"We're gonna rock this house until we knock it down

So turn the volume loud, cause it's mayhem 'til the a.m.

So crank the bass up like crazy and let yourself go, let yourself go

Say fuck it before we kick the bucket

Life's too short to not go for broke

So everybody, everybody-"

"Go berzerk!" Discord sang.

"-get your vials."

As our hero finished his song and everyone did their best to regain their composer, Chrysalis let out a small groan.

"When did this story become a fucking musical?"

Eventually, the small party wound down. Cheerilee and Chrysalis decided to leave the men behind, Cheerilee leaving because there was school tomorrow, and Chrysalis leaving because she's a frigid cunt.

Eh, she's probably chill deep down inside.

"Nah. Lawl." our hero said, shaking his head at the narrator's stupidity.

Fuck you.

"NO FUCK YOU!"

"Spiderman, what are you on about?" Fluffles asked, looking at the superhero with concern as the three walked up the street.

"Nothing lawl." Spiderman responded.

They will never believe you.

"What should I do if Mr. Rogers is haunting me?" our hero blurted out.

"Jack off all day. He'll regret haunting you." Discord said.

"Lawl k."

As the three continued up the street, our hero got an idea as he spotted a mentally retarded gray pegasus with an ass tattoo with bubbles.

"Watch this shit. Lawl." our hero said, leaving the two behind and approaching the pony.

"Hay lawl." our hero greeted.

"Oh! Hello mister!" the tard responded.

"Your name's Drippy, right?"

"Well, actually, it's Derp-"

"I don't give a fuck. You know that drunk bitch?"

"You mean Berry Punch? You bet!"

"She stole your muffins."

"Oh dear." Fluffles commented from the side.

"W-what did you say?" the retard asked, her head turning to the side as her eye twitched.

"She. Stole. Your. Muffins. And she wants to meet you at the town center. Lawl." our hero said.

"ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!" the tard screeched, flying off at top speeds towards the town center.

"Go to the town center! There will be lulz!" our hero shouted to the two as he swung off.

Berry Punch sat inside the Salt Lick, pounding down yet another bottle of vodka. Berry Punch was probably the only living organism that could handle the level of alcohol Spiderman could consume. Legends say that the two once held a drinking contest, and after a week, neither had won.

Suddenly, the Salt Lick's door was kicked in by our hero, who raced up to the drunken mare and struck a pose.

"Tard's stolen your booze lawl!" he exclaimed.

"Oh. Sucks for her." Berry Punch commented, rising from her seat, and pointing her hoof toward the ceiling.

"Up, up, and away!" she exclaimed drunkenly as she flew through the roof.

Our hero tossed a handful of bits at the bar keep and swooced through the entrance, before jumping up to the roof and swinging his way to the town center.

By the time he arrived, the town idiot and town drunk were already going at it. Their yells could be heard all the way from Cunterlot as they flung accusations at each other. Our hero quickly joined his two bros, who were busy munching on a bag of popcorn and sipping chocolate milk.

"Did I miss anything?" our hero inquired.

"Hardly. The best is yet to come." Fluffles answered.

As he said this, both of the mares eyes started to glow red as they blabbered incoherently in an uncontrollable rage.

"And here... we... go..." Discord said in a perfect Joker voice.

Suddenly, lasers started shooting out of their eyes, hitting everything by the two mares. Their incoherent retard babbling continued as they ran around, shooting lasers all over the place.

"Haha! Alright! Another laser show!" an overhyped backround pony exclaimed before getting hit in the face by a laser, killing her instantly. Another overhyped backround pony standing next to her screamed out in shock moments before getting hit in the face.

"Lawl kickass." Spiderman commented, the three's plot armor blocking every single laser coming their way.

As the fighting reached it's peak, the two charged at each other, lasers firing at a faster pace than an uzi at an Easter drive by. The two tackled each other, rolling around on the ground, lasers still shooting out of their eyes.

"FINISH HER!" our hero exclaimed.

However, something unexpected happened.

The two started making out.

"Dammit!" Discord shouted.

"Kill her! Lawl." our hero exclaimed.

"Well... that ruins the fun... sort of... doesn't it?" Fluffles asked.

"Eh, at least those two overhyped musician background ponies are dead now. Good riddance." Discord said with a shrug.

"Yeah lawl."

"Well, fellas, it's been good, but I'm going to go home. Peace bros." Discord said. After giving our hero and his talking raptor companion a brofist, the draconequus teleported away, leaving behind two bros, a making out drunkie/retard couple, and a destroyed village.

CHOOSE YOUR PATH, COMRADE!

()Fight in a gladiator tournament with Ms. Cheerilee

()Take Luna to a Dethklok concert, you've heard she's secretly a metalhead (LUNA TIER THREE UNLOCKED)

()Teach the school children the wonders of solving your problems through violence by having them beat the living shit out of Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon (SCHOOLHOUSE TIER FIVE UNLOCKED)

()...go on an awkward date with Rainbow Dash

()There’s a new mall. Let’s go exploring with Rarity and your pet raptor

()Go out clubbing with the talking velociraptor gentleman and Lyra (UNLOCKED AGAIN IN TWO CHAPTERS)

()Go to the new bar in town with Twilight and get drunk

()Bake with Pinkie Pie. Acquire money and pot brownies

()Smoke weed with Applejack and help her take down some rival dealers

()Play video games with Spike

()Teach Fluffles the meaning of friendship

()Teach Fluttershy how to french kiss THEN GET FRIENDZONED BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T DO THIS FIRST

()Volunteer at a cripple pony school with Fluttershy and attempt to score

()Take the CMC and Luna skydiving. What could possibly go wrong?

Being Diamond Tiara is suffering

Please stop voting with more than one options. It makes your vote worthless and makes it more difficult to tally your votes. Sorry guys. Thank you for understanding.

Our hero awoke to the sound of something slamming on the front door with the force of a thousand suns.

"Lizard, get the-"

Oh wait. He went upstairs after our hero fapped for about five hours straight, much to the disgust of the narrator.

"Lawl."

Our hero groaned and rose off the couch, before stomping his way over to the front door. He flung it open, revealing a pair of ponies wearing matching white t-shirts and red ties.

"Wut dafuq."

"Hi, would you like to hear the word of our lord and savior Celestia?" one asked.

"OH SHIT IT'S THE IRS!"

"What-"

Before the Celestia Witnesses could even blink, our hero produced his rock hard erection to the two and swung, beating one the door knockers to the ground with a caved in skull.

"DEAR CELESTIA!"

The surviving Celestia Witness turned to run, but our hero was too quick for him. He lunged forward and impaled the door knocker in a manner that would make Vlad the Impaler shed a tear of joy.

As the Celestia Witness breathed his last breath, our hero let the body hit the floor and turned back towards the house.

"Fluffles, got some fresh meat! Lawl."

"Oh boy!" Fluffles said, running past our hero as Spiderman his way back inside.

"WHAT THE FUCK?!"

No fucks were given that day.

Our hero sat on the couch, leaning back against it as he watched the Chappelle Show.

"I'm Rick James bitch." Rick James said on the TV.

"Lawl. Black people are so funny." our hero said, taking a drink of his Mountain Dew.

Suddenly, there was a knock on the door. Our hero groaned, expecting the IRS sent a tactical tax collection team to take his well earned cash.

Instead, he was greeted with the sight of a certain bootylicious teacher.

"Hello, Mr. Spiderman." Cheerilee greeted with a smile.

"Oh hai der." our hero responded.

"Spiderman, can I- is that the Chappelle Show?"

"Yeee. Lawl." our hero responded.

"Nice. May I join you?"

"Why the fuck not?"

The teacher squeed as she pushed past our hero, our hero catching a glimpse of da booty as she raced past him.

UNF!

UNF!

UNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNF!

DAT BOOTY IS PERFECTION!

UNF!

The mare took a seat on our heroes couch/bed, watching the Chappelle Show intently. Our hero jumped up in the air, did a couple flips, and landed beside the teacher. Cheerilee smiled at his antics, and leaned into our heroes side.

"I like where this is going." he commented.

A small giggle escaped the teachers lips, before her face turned solemn. "Spiderman, I must ask you a favor."

"Lawl k."

"You see... my favor was diagnosed with cancer... and the doctors gave him to the end of the week."

"Sucks."

Cheerilee nodded. "I must travel to Manehattan to visit him... but... I don't have a substitute. So, would you mind coming in to teach? Or maybe take them out on a field trip? I don't know. Just do whatever you want with them."

"Lawl k."

The teacher perked up. "So, you'll do it?"

"Sure, why not? Not like I give a fuck or anything." Spiderman stated.

A grin spread across the mares face as she lurched forward, embracing our hero in a tight bear hug.

"THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU~"

After the obligatory booty feel, Cheerilee backed away, smiling gratefully at our hero.

"I'll stop by after class once I finish packing. Good luck, Spidey."

She placed a small kiss on his cheek before rising from the couch. As made her way towards the door, she paused and turned towards our hero. "You know, we should really do more stuff other than you just coming to school."

"Blame the voters lawl."

"W-what?"

"Nothing. Top lel." our hero said.

Cheerilee giggled. "Alright, see yah Spidey."

"Bye lawl."

The bell rang, signalling the end of lunch time for the foals at the Ponyville Schoolhouse. The foals threw away their trash and put away their toys before filing into the schoolhouse under the watchful eyes of several teachers and yard duties.

Cheerilee's students filed into their classroom and took their seats, turning towards their friends and continuing their lunchtime conversations.

Satisfied that the kids were distracted, our hero took this moment to reveal himself.

He climbed out from under Ms. Cheerilee's desk and flung it over, causing all the schoolchildren to jump and turn towards the front of the classroom.

"SURPRISE MOTHERFUCKERS."

Everypony in the room, save for a certain diamond tiara sporting bitch, perked up and cheered for our hero. Even the bitches bottom bitch, who was born with a silver spoon shoved deep into her ass, cheered.

"Lawl. Sup?" he asked.

"Hello Mr. Spiderman." the class greeted.

"Do you like violence?!" our hero inquired.

"Yeah yeah yeah!"

"Wanna see me stick Nine Inch Nails through each one of my eyelids?"

"Uh-huh!"

"What's a nail?" an oblivious moron asked.

"Wanna copy me and do exactly like I did?"

"Yeah yeah!"

"Didn't he already do this?" Captain Obvious asked.

"Try 'cid and get fucked up worse that my life is?"

"Huh?"

"My brain's dead weight, I'm trying to get my head straight, but I can't figure out which Spice Girl I want to impregnate."

"Ummmmmmm..." Diamond Bitch tried to speak up, only to get bitch slapped by a certain drug dealers little sister.

"And Fluttershy said-"

The classroom door flung open, and in walked the butter yellow Pegasus, who pointing an accusing hoof at our hero. "Spiderman, you a basehead!"

"Uh-uhhh!" Spiderman retorted.

"So why's your face red? Man you wasted."

"Well since age twelve, I've felt like I'm someone else, cause I hung my original self from the top bunk with a belt. Got pissed off and ripped Pamela Lee's tits off and smacked her so hard I knocked her clothes backwards like Kris Kross. I smoke a fat pound of grass and fall on my ass faster than a fat bitch who sat down too fast."

"C'mere slut!" Spiderman said, pulling Fluttershy over to him.

"Spidey, wait a minute, that's my mare bro!"

"I don't give a fuck, God sent me to piss the world off!"

"Hi, my name is-"

"What?" one of the kids asked.

"My name is-"

"Who?" another asked.

Our hero produced a turntable and scratched it. "Spiderman!"

"Hi, my name is-"

"What?"

"My name is-"

"Who?"

"STOP THIS PONYSHIT!" somepony shouted, interrupting our hero.

Everypony turned to see Diamond Shit standing on top of her desk, fuming mad.

"ARE YOU ALL RETARDED OR SOMETHING?! JUST LETTING THIS MORON COME IN HERE AND ACT STUPID?! AND YOU GUYS ENJOY IT?! I'M SURROUNDED BY IDIOTS. THE RETARDS WHO RIDE THE SHORT BUS ARE SMARTER THAN YOU."

Everypony in the room glared at her. The diamond tiara wearing bitch became uneasy under their stares.

Under his mask, our heroes eye twitched. No one fucked with his random musical numbers.

"You know you fucked up, right?" our hero asked, walking towards the fillies desk.

"Well class... looks like we won't be singing and going to a destruction derby like I planned. No, we're going to do something much more fun. We're going to put this bitch in her place. Lawl." our hero said.

"No... please..."

"WHO HERE HATES THIS BITCH THE MOST?!" Spiderman asked, producing a mace

A silver hoof raised in the air. Diamond Tiara's mouth dropped.

"S-silver Spoon?" she stuttered.

"WE HAVE A WINNER!" Spiderman declared, handing the mace to the silver filly.

"W-why?!" Diamond Tiara demanded.

"PRISON RULES BITCH!" Silver Spoon exclaimed, swinging the mace at filly.

"YOU TRAITOROUS BITCH!" Diamond Tiara exclaimed before Silver Spoon gutted her, knocking her to the ground in a bloody mess. The other foals, tired of her shit and thirst for revenge, quickly set upon the bitch, kicking and pummeling her mercilessly. Silver Spoon put down her mace and acquired Diamond Bitches tiara and put it on her head, before skipping back to her seat with a smile on her face.

"Shouldn't we stop them?" Fluffles asked, still there with Fluttershy from the musical number.

"Nah... bitch had it coming. Lawl."

"Now, remember kids, if the cops ask what happened to Diamond Tiara, blame the zebra." Spiderman reminded the kids, right before the bell ringed.

"Class is dismissed! If you tell anyone what happened today, I'll kill you! Lawl."

As the class filed out, talking excitedly amongst each other, a new pony entered the room.

"Well, I'm shocked to see everything is... well... sort of in one piece." Cheerilee said, glancing at her tipped over desk with a curious eye.

"Sorry lawl." our hero said.

"Eh, don't worry about it. It happens at least three times a month." the teacher responded.

"Lawl k."

Cheerilee smiled, walking up to our hero and wrapping her hooves around his waist. "Thanks for helping out, it means a lot to me."

"Eh, it's not like a give a fuck or anything." our hero said with a shrug.

"Riiiiiiiiight." she said, winking at our hero.

SHE KNOWS. NOW I GOTTA KILL A-

"Um, Spiderman, I would like to ask you something."

"Lawl k."

"Well... I was wondering if you would like to come along to Manehattan with me. I know it's sudden, so I wouldn't mind much if you said no. But it'd be nice to have your company... especially at night.

DING! DING! DING! DING! WE GOTTA A WINNER!

"Hmm..."

WHAT WILL IT BE THIS TIME?!

()Go to Manehattan with the teacher with da booty (CHEERILEE BONUS CHAPTER UNLOCKED, ONE AND ONLY OPPORTUNITY TO GO, REALLY FUCKING THINK ABOUT THIS)

()Help Discord become a friend of justice (DISCORD TIER TWO UNLOCKED)

()Fight in a gladiator tournament with Ms. Cheerilee

()Take Luna to a Dethklok concert, you've heard she's secretly a metalhead

()...go on an awkward date with Rainbow Dash

()There’s a new mall. Let’s go exploring with Rarity and your pet raptor

()Go out clubbing with the talking velociraptor gentleman and Lyra (UNLOCKED AGAIN IN ONE CHAPTER)

()Go to the new bar in town with Twilight and get drunk

()Bake with Pinkie Pie. Acquire money and pot brownies

()Smoke weed with Applejack and help her take down some rival dealers

()Play video games with Spike

()Teach Fluffles the meaning of friendship

()Teach Fluttershy how to french kiss THEN GET FRIENDZONED BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T DO THIS FIRST

()Volunteer at a cripple pony school with Fluttershy and attempt to score

()Take the CMC and Luna skydiving. What could possibly go wrong?

Intermission #1

The writer needs to pay attention to another fic for a few days. However, I will release a couple intermissions that are random as fuck, since those are easy to do.

Our hero lay on his couch/bed, watching the game. He leaned over and picked up his can of Budweiser off the coffee table and took a sip of it, before placing it back down and continuing to watch the game.

Suddenly, the phone rang. Spiderman leaned over and picked it up, holding it up to his ear.

"Hay." our hero greeted.

"Heyo. Sup?" Lyra asked on the other line.

"Nothin' B. Watchin the game, having a bud. Lawl. How about jew?" our hero inquired.

"Nothin'. Watchin the game, having a bud." she responded.

A certain butter yellow pegasus poked her head over the couch and looked at our hero.

"True... true..."

"WAZZUP?!" Fluttershy blurted out.

"WUZZUUUUUUUP?!" our hero exclaimed.

"Yo, who's that?" Lyra asked.

"Yo! Go pick up the phone!" Spiderman ordered.

Fluttershy nodded, running off and picking up the other phone, holding it up to her ear.

"Hello?"

"WAZZUUUUUUUUUUUUUP?!" Lyra asked.

"WAZZUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP?!" the pegasus responded.

"WUZZUUUUUUUUUP?!" our hero exclaimed.

"Yo, where's Bonny?" Fluttershy asked.

"YO BON BON!" Lyra shouted.

Seconds later, someone else picked up. "Yo?" Bon Bon asked.

"WAZZUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP?!" Fluttershy asked.

"WAZZUP?!" Bon Bon asked.

"WAZZUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP?!" Lyra threw in.

"WUZZUUUUUUUUUP?!" our hero exclaimed.

The phone clicked as Bon-Bon hung up, and Fluttershy hung up after that.

"...so what's up, B? Lawl." our hero asked.

"Watching the game, having a bud." Lyra responded.

"True... true..." our hero said.

Suddenly, the door was kicked off it's hinges, revealing the pulped and bloodied mess that used to be that diamond bitch.

"Hold up, I'm gonna have to call you back." our hero said, hanging up the phone before turning his attention to the filly, "WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT?!"

The filly smirked, pulling back a zipper hidden in her mane. Her skin peeled away, revealing a crab.

Our hero grunted, flinching at the fear inducing sight as he activated his codec.

"Para-medic..." he said.

"Spiderman? What's wrong?" Cheerilee answered.

"I've encountered some kind of demon... I-I don't think I'm going to come out of here alive." our hero said.

"Spidey, are you feeling alright?"

"Fuck no. Lawl. I feel like I ate that vindaloo curry again."

"Spiderman, calm down, it's not a demon, it's just a crab." Cheerilee assured our hero.

"A what?!"

"A cra-"

"BY THE SPICE! It's looking right at me..."

"Spidey-"

"SWEET BLACK BABY JESUS, IT'S GETTING CLOSER!"

"Spiderman, listen!"

"It'll tear me to shreds."

"Spidey, your nanosuit has knuckle plated vibro blades, right?" Cheerilee asked.

"Yeah, but-"

"All you need to do is stab it. Once you've killed the crab, you'll get a food ration that you can eat later to restore stamina after your fap sessions."

"ARE YOU INSANE?!" our hero demanded. "A blade is useless against those massive claws. They could rip a tank apart! By the Spice!"

"Spiderman, snap out of it!" Cheerilee exclaimed, frustrated with our hero. "There are more pressing matters at hand. You have to find and destroy the Feminist queen."

"BUT THE DEMON?!"

"SPIDERMAN, WILL YOU JUST SHUT THE HELL UP AND STAB IT ALREADY?!"

All our hero could hear is her heavy breathing. It gave him a massive erection. He turned to the crab and activated his vibro blades, which ejected from inside his armor.

"Errg... it's moving so fast..."

After a few seconds, Spiderman spotted his opportunity.

"BUST A MOVE!" our hero exclaimed, jabbing at the crab.

However, the crab caught the vibroblade with his claw.

"AH... GODDAMMIT?!" our hero exclaimed, seconds before the crab squeezed and broke his vibro blade.

Our hero grunted, punching at crab. The crab dodged his punches and jumped on his arm. Our hero stabbed at the crab, which jumped out of the way, resulting in him stabbing himself with his broken vibro blade.

It jumped on his back as he fell onto the floor.

"Grrrraaaa... CRAB BATTLE!" our hero grunted, looking back at the crab hanging on his back. It climbed up on his shoulder, and our hero stabbed at it. However, it jumped to the ground, and our hero ended up stabbing himself yet again.

The crab turned around and raised it's claws up in the air in a challenge.

"Okay... let's do this mother fucker!"

It walked back and forth, as our hero tracked it with his broken vibro blades.

"Ah yeah... you want-"

Our hero lurched forward, stabbing at the crab. It jumped backward, and our hero hit his head on the wall.

"Cr... ah... CRAB BATTLE!!!" our hero grunted in pain. The crab walked forward and jabbed at his right eye, knocking the eye of it's socket. Our hero lurched back, howling in pain.

He coughed up some blood, and looked at his shoulder, where the crab was sitting.

"OH DEAR BLACK JESUS!"

"SPIDERMAN! SPIDEY, WHAT'S GOING ON?!" the bootylicious teacher asked.

"EYAAA! CRAB BATTLE!" our hero responded.

"Spiderman, you're not making any sense!" Cheerilee exclaimed.

Like he ever made any sense, am I right guys?

I'll shut up now.

"AH... IT'S GOT ME! AW... SONUVABITCH! ACK... erg... era... ferr... CRAB BATTLE!!"

"What the hell?!" Cheerilee demanded. "Spiderman, stab it!"

"Ah... I can't... I broke my blade!"

"WHAT?! Spidey, that's impossible!" the teacher exclaimed in disbelief.

"AH! Arg... crab... it broke... IT BROKE MY KNIFE! ACK! ERR! CRAB BATTLE!"

"STOP SAYING THAT!" Cheerilee exclaimed.

"RAA! CRAB BATTLE!" our hero shouted out, "HRRRYYYAAAA!"

"What the hell is going on?!" Cheerilee demanded.

"CRAB BATTLE!" our hero shouted.

"STOP SAYING THAT!" Cheerilee shouted.

The crab moved in for the final killing blow. However, something jumped into the room and charged at the two. Before our hero could blink his remaining eye, the crab was knocked off him, and a certainly gentlemanly raptor stood over the crab. Fluffles brought his foot down on the crab, squishing it like a bug.

"FLUFFLES?!" our hero exclaimed in shock.

"What?" he asked.

"Since when are you a badass?"

"Spiderman, I'm a member of the elite Raptor Special Forces Group with thousands of years of combat experience. I have knowledge in multiple martial arts and have an almost unmatched knowledge of offensive and defensive spells. The only reason why no one knows this is because the readers never choose my options, so we don't go on any wacky adventures and kickass together."

"Oh... lawl. Let's go get a drink. " our hero said, popping his eye back in it's socket. The two walked out of the cottage, leaving behind a butter yellow pegasus, who confused beyond belief.

"WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED?!" she demanded no one in particular.

Intermission #2

A noise from downstairs startled Fluttershy out of her slumber, much to her annoyance.

"Fucking Spiderman..." she grumbled, rising from her bed. She walked into the bathroom and snorted some Prozac, before drinking down some red bull.

As she descended the stairs, she came across a sight that shook her to her very core.

Dozens of Spidermans, in various shapes, sizes, and suits.

"WHAT HAPPENED?!" she demanded.

"Spidey Con. Lawl." our hero responded.

"Lawl." every Spiderman lawled.

A loud yawn got all of the Spiderman's attention as a sleep gentlemanly raptor descended the staircase, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. He smacked his lips as he stopped and took in the scene before him.

"What..."

"Spidey Con." Fluttershy explained.

"Lawl." all the Spidermans lawled.

"...it's too early for this shit." Fluffles stated, walking past Fluttershy and the Spidermen and heading to the kitchen.

"Lawl hi." about five or so Spiderman's hanging in the kitchen greeted.

The gentlemanly raptor grumbled his greetings as he grabbed some leftover steak. He made a quick snack out of it before exiting the kitchen and making his way to front door.

"I have a feeling that everything is going to go horribly wrong today, so I'll see you guys tomorrow." Fluffles said.

"Lawl bye." all the Spidermen said in unison.

The raptor tipped his top hat to them, before promptly getting the fuck out of there.

Once the raptor left, all the Spidermen turned towards Fluttershy.

"Umm..." she said uncomfortably.

"What now?" one Spiderman asked.

"Sodomy." another answered.

"Lawl nope." the first one answered.

"Forming voltron?" a third one asked.

"Let's save that for next year." a fourth one answered.

"Musical number?"

"Lawl. Too many of those."

"I GOT IT!" the real Spiderman exclaimed.

"What?" a short, chubby Spiderman asked.

"Let's invade that shitty town!" our hero said.

"Lawl." the Spidermen said in agreement.

They all filed out of the cabin, leaving behind a confused Fluttershy. Reluctantly, she followed the Spidermen, expecting that whatever they did would be fucking hilarious.

It was a beautiful day in Ponyville. The birds were singing, children were playing, the adults peacefully went about their errands, and one lucky joe got a blowjob in the Mcdonalds parking lot.

"Beautiful day, isn't it?" Rainbow Dash asked Applejack as she walked up to her Weed and Apples Cart™.

"Ya betcha flank it's a beautiful day. What can ah do for ya, Dash?" she inquired.

"I could use an apple. What do you got?"

"Everything." Applejack responded plainly.

"Oh... I'll take a granny smith, then."

Applejack smirked, and held over her grandma to the librarian.

"Do you think my hunger is some kind of fucking game?" the rainbow maned pegasus asked, dropping the old pony on the ground.

"Maybe."

Before any other words could be exchanged between the two, they spotted a familiar raptor running towards them.

"Fluffles...?" Rainbow Dash asked in confusion.

"RUN BITCH RUN!" he exclaimed at them as he passed them, "IT'S HAPPENING!"

"What was that all about?" Applejack asked, confused.

"Look!" the librarian exclaimed, pointing in the distance.

Approaching them was a mass of red and blue.

"Holy shit... I'm out!" Rainbow Dash exclaimed, dashing away dashingly.

Applejack's eyes widen as they came closer. She was able to make out what they were.

An army of Spidermen.

However, her eyes didn't widen with horror or shock. They widened with joy.

The average Spiderman consumed more weed than any of her customers do in year in one day.

This many Spidermen is good for business.

"Lawl lawl lawl lawl lawl lawl lawl~" they all chanted as they marched into town. The local detachment of the Royal Guard arrived on the scene and charged at the Spiderman, swords in hoof. However, the Spidermen dog piled the guards and beat them to death in a matter of seconds. Nearby ponies and vendors gasped and screamed in horror before fleeing with their tails between their legs.

They all surrounded Applejack's cart, and before she could even blink, all her weed and apples was gone, replaced by a gigantic pile of bits.

"Oy vey. Such a good goy." she said, hooking the cart up to her and getting the fuck out of there.

The Spidermen in unison rolled up their joints and puffed that shit. It didn't really do much for them, consider that Spiderman doesn't get drunk or high easily, but it did make them feel good. Real good.

"Let's go fuck up some more shit!" a fat, fedora wearing Spiderman who wore a shirt over his suit that said 'In this moment, I am euphoric, not because of any phony god's blessing, but because I am enlightened by my intelligence' spoke up.

The neckbeard Spiderman then received a kick to the nuts from the true Spiderman, whom proclaimed, "NO NECKBEARDS ALLOWED!"

The rest of the Spidermen ran up and started kicking the living shit out of the neckbeard, while our hero did a victory dance.

As the neckbeard breathed his final breath, a random Spiderman spoke out. "What now?" he asked.

"There is a Feminist rally on the other end of town. We're going to wipe them out in the name of justice!" our hero declared.

"Lawl." the other Spidermen lawled in agreement.

"Lawl." our hero said.

The Spidermen marched up the street, their footsteps echoing throughout the town. Minutes later, the Feminist rally came into sight.

"LOOK! IT'S TEH PATRIARCHY!" one Feminazi exclaimed.

"STOP STARE RAPING ME!" another exclaimed.

"Top lel." our hero said as the Spidermen broke out into a run, charging at the Feminists.

"OPPRESSION!" one cried before getting knocked the fuck out by the short, chubby Spiderman.

"RAPE!" another snarled before getting her face bashed by a baseball bat.

"I'M BEING OBJECTIFIED!" a third one snarled before getting shanked.

"CHECK YOUR PRIVILEGE!" a fourth one screamed into our heroes face.

"Lawl no." he responded, before smashing her face in with his super-strength.

The Spidermen continued their rampage, completely wiping out the Feminist scum, while all they could do is bitch about how life isn't fair in a society where men and women are basically equal, except for in courts, where women always win no matter what and men always get fucked over.

"Remember folks," our hero said, "hide feminist threads, ignore feminist posts, and do not reply to feminist posters. And you have a problem with that, just remember..."

"...I just don't give a fuck."

Author's Notes:

And on that day, every feminist readers MarineMarksman hadn't already lost threw their arms up in defeat, unliked and unfavorited his stories, and unfollewed him.

And no one gave a shit.

The Booty Menace Part One

I'm sorry about the lack of updates. School's picking up, and I've been finding less and less time to write. On top of that, I've been sick, and I just got out of a depression that was preventing me from writing.

I also do not have as much motivation to write this as usual. This typically means I need to spend a day or so reading Katawa Broujo and the other works of the writefag known as Bromont, as this typically improves my writing when it comes to these stories.

I'll try to update this more regularly... but just bear with me, okay?

-Will

"You sure you're going to be fine going to Manehattan without us, ole' chap? I've heard it can be a rough place." our hero's gentlemanly raptor companion asked, walking besides our hero, Fluttershy, and Ms. Cheerilee as they made their way towards the train station. When our hero came home to pack a few things for the trip, they had insisted on seeing him off.

"Lawl yeah."

"But Spiderman, it's-"

Our hero shoved his hand into Fluttershy's, interrupting her. "Fuck your hockey game."

The yellow pegasus paused and blinked in confusion, before continuing to follow her friends.

"All aboard!" the conductor exclaimed as the four approached the train.

"Come on, Spidey!" Cheerilee shouted to our hero as she ran on board.

"Good bye, Spiderman." the raptor said, "see you when you get back."

"We'll miss you." Fluttershy said.

Our hero turned to them and looked down upon them. "Like I give a fuck." he said.

And with that, he waved, and climbed on board the train just as it started to chug away from the platform. A window rolled down, and out shot a blue and red arm, one finger aimed at Fluttershy and Fluffles.

"He truly doesn't give a fuck, does he?" Fluffles asked.

"Nope." the yellow pegasus replied.

Our hero slept through the majority of the trip to Manehattan, though he pause his nap to pull the emergency brakes a few times for teh lulz.

The train screeched to a halt, causing Cheerilee to look up from her book and glance out the window. The train had stopped just outside of the city without any apparent reasons.

"This is your conductor," the conductor said over the train's PA system, "due to the government shut down, the Rape Train Express cannot deliver you to your final destination. If you are angry with the government shutdown, please tune to channel nine later this week to watch Empress Luna kill those responsible for the shutdown on live TV."

Everypony in the train groaned as the rose from their seats, some bitching about conservative nobles, and some bitching about the liberal nobles. But we knew the truth. They were all the same.

Cheerilee gently nudged our hero in an attempt to wake him.

"No dad... I don't want surprise the neighbor boy with buttsecks for your amusement... lawl." our hero said sleepily.

The mare rolled her eyes, shoving him roughly. "Spiderman, wake up."

"...mmm... nigga I don't have your Oasis album..."

She glared at our hero, before smirking as an idea crossed her mind. "SPIDERMAN LOOK, BOOTY!" she said, pointing out the window.

"WHERE?!" our hero said, lurching up from his seat and punching out the window, poking his head out of it and looking around erratically for da booty.

All the while, Cheerilee packed up her items, watching him with an amused grin. "No booty, Spidey. But we do have hoof it to the city. The government is being incompetent again."

"Lawl k."

"Quit your whining, Spiderman." Cheerille prompted.

"Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut my feet hurt, I can't shot web, and on top of it all, I got blue balls." our hero complained.

Cheerilee rounded on our hero and stared him down. She reached into her saddlebags, much to 60's Era Spiderman's curiously, and pulled out a pair of sunglasses.

After putting them on, she looked into our heroes eyes and said, "Deal with it."

"Lawl k."

Satisfied, Cheerilee turned away from our hero and continued on. As she turned around, our hero caught a peak at da glorious booty.

UNF!

UNF!

UNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNF!

"Mirin da booty." Spiderman said quietly to himself.

"What was that?" Cheerilee asked.

"Nothing lawl."

Eventually, the couple found themselves hills above the city, where the cities wealthy lived. They found themselves surrounded by large mansions and luxury apartments. The wealthy in the area watched the pair suspiciously, doing their best to maintain a distance. Spiderman probably would have went on an ass kicking spree, but he didn't know if Cheerilee would appreciate it.

Like he gave a fuck.

As Spiderman prepared to charge at the nearest pony who looked at him strangely, Cheerilee stopped and turned towards a fancy ass mansion.

"Wait, your family is rich?" our hero inquired.

"Hmmm... oh! No! I won this place in a poker match. It's my summer home." the teacher said casually as she made way up the steps. Doing his best not to shit bricks, our hero quickly followed her. She placed her bags beside her and unlocked the door, before picking her bags up once more and stepping inside, Spiderman right behind her.

The house smelt of stale air and was modestly decorated. Our hero placed his things down by the door and jumped on the couch, switching on the TV.

He flipped through the channels and decided on watching Sonic X.

"Gotta go fast." our hero said.

"You're too slow!" Sonic teased.

"Shit." Spiderman said, knowing the blue hedgehog was right.

"I'm going to get take a nap, then we can go out and do something. Okay, Spidey?" Cheerilee inquired.

"Yup." our hero replied, not giving a fuck as he flipped the channel to House MD.

Untitled voting chapter for The Booty Menace

After several hours, Cheerilee rejoined our hero after a pleasant power nap. She found him on the couch, watching Burn Notice.

"Ooooo! Burn Notice!" she exclaimed happily, jumping over the couch, doing a flip, and landing beside our hero.

"Are you a ninja?" Spiderman asked.

"Let's not start asking questions. Somebody might get hurt." the teacher/ninja said with a smirk.

"Lawl k."

"I love this show. Bruce Campbell is god-tier." Cheerilee said.

After a few moments of watching the latest adventures of Michael Westen and Bruce Campbell's character 60's Era Spiderman didn't remember the name of, the mare beside him spoke.

"So Spidey... what do you want to do today."

"HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!"

Guess what, people?

We're voting on a chapter we've already voted on.

VOTECEPTION!

Also, I'm giving you guys the ability to vote on two things, what Spiderman and da big booty bitch do during the day and what they do during the evening.

Let the voting begin!

Day:

() Go kick Hoof, the creator of Ponychan, square in the balls for banning you for posting Spiderman

() Go on a romantic picnic lunch at the beach. Fighting pirates and robots might be involved.

() Take Cheerilee around the city with the help of your web.

() Steal a car and drive around with Cheerilee. Shenangins will ensue. The second most voted choice may also happen if this wins.

() Fight crime with Cheerilee.

Night:

() Pry Cheerilee about her being a ninja. Shenanigans will likely ensue

() Go to a movie. Attempt to acquire da booty.

() Go to Studio 69 and bug Discord's cousin about bowling.

() Attempt to prove Sonic wrong by going fast.

() Go home. Watch more Burn Notice and the Big Lebowski.

The Booty Menace Part Two

Our hero flipped to the next channel. Spongebob was on, and for some reason, he was a neckbeard.

"Lawl what the fuck." our hero said.

"Let's go to Disneyland!" NeckSponge said to his fat pink retard friend, Patrick.

"Nah, I wanna go fuck with Squidwards penis nose."

Spiderman turned the TV off and shook his head. "That show has gone so downhill... lawl."

"So... Spidey... what are we gonna do?" Cheerilee asked.

"Lawl I dunno." our hero responded.

"Y-you don't?"

"No, I lied." he said, picking up the mare and placing her on his back before standing up. Cheerilee latched onto him, wrapping her hooves tightly around his neck as our hero walked out of the house and slammed the door behind him. He walked out into the middle of the street and struck a pose, earning strange looks from the nearby ponies.

"Errr... Spiderman... what are you doing?"

"Proving Sonic wrong."

"Wha-"

"GOTTA GO FAST!" our hero exclaimed as he lurched forward, activating his nanosuit's super-speed and zooming through the streets at the speed of sound, leaving behind a trail of Cheerilee's breakfast and confused ponies.

Suddenly, our hero screeched to a halt in the middle of a busy street and quickly crab walked over to the sidewalk. Cheerilee dismounted off his back and promptly emptied the rest of the contents of her stomach onto the ground.

After spitting some of the taste out of her mouth and wiping away the bile at the corners of her mouth, she turned to our hero. "WOO! THAT WAS AWESOME! LET'S DO IT AGAIN!"

"No! My Spidey senses are tingling." our hero said, pointing down at his massive erection.

"Spiderman, what the-"

"SHHHHHHHH! IT'S GOING TO LEAD US SOMEWHERE. LAWL."

Our hero raced forward, following his tingling boner, a reluctant Cheerilee following close behind. His tingling boner would act just like a GPS unit, twisting right or left when our hero needed to turn and staying completely straight when he was going in the right direction.

Finally, his tingling boner went limp as he reached his destination.

Before him, the greatest stallion in Equestria stood, surrounded by beautiful mares. He was known by many nicknames, but his true name was Flash Sentry, Savior of the Universe.

Parked not ten feet away from him was his custom painted camaro.

His tingling boner kind of twitched in the cars direction.

"Spiderman, what is it?" Cheerilee asked.

"Free car lawl." our hero responded, walking up to the camaro. He glanced around suspiciously, before breaking open the window.

"SPIDERMAN, WHAT THE HE-"

"Hey, you, freeze!" a nearby cop shouted, drawing his sidearm and running towards him. Flash Sentry also noticed his car was getting stolen, and started making his way through the wall of stolen waifus to get to him.

"I'm the only thief here! Get away from my car!" the waifu thief exclaimed.

"Get on the ground!" the cop shouted.

"Everyone do the dinosaur!" our hero shouted.

Everypony stopped in their tracks, and did as they said. Our hero grabbed the teacher who had joined the crowd in doing the dinosaur, before throwing her inside the car and jumping in. After quickly hotwiring it, he slammed his foot down on pedal. The camaro raced forward and took down the street.

"I'LL STEAL YOUR WAIFU FOR THIS!" Flash Sentry yelled after them, before continuing to do the dinosaur.

"Get's me everytime..." he commented to himself.

After getting the camaro painted a matte black, getting the shattered window replaced, getting a sick ass spoiler, and some custom bumpers that made the camaro look like it came straight out of Fast and the Furious, our hero drove through the busy streets of Manehattan.

"Spiderman, can I ask you a question?" the mare in the passenger seat inquired.

"Lawl k."

"...what was that thing you were doing with your penis."

He looked at the mare and tilted his head quizzically. "You mean when I wank off or my Spidey sense?"

Cheerilee rolled her eyes. "...I know how the penis works. I'm curious about your Spidey senses."

"Hold up, let me call my nigga to explain this. Lawl." Spiderman said.

"Don't you mean my zigga?" she asked.

Our hero removed his one hand from the steering wheel and shoved it in Cheerilee's face. "Fuck your ho-"

"SPIDERMAN, KEEP YOUR HAND ON THE STEERING WHEEL!" she exclaimed in shock.

"JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL!" our hero exclaimed.

"I don't know how to drive, bro." a voice said in the back of his head.

"JESUS DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO DRIVE!" Spiderman exclaimed.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"

Just second before they crashed into a parked car, our hero grabbed the wheel and swerved to the right.

"Haha that was some awesome shit. Lawl." our hero said to the mare who sat beside him, who rolled down the window and puked out the last bile left in her stomach.

"Ugh... can we get something to eat or something... I think I need some gas for the tank," Cheerilee said, "some sprite might make me feel better as well."

"Lawl k."

After some shopping, our hero and his female companion peacefully made their way to Central Park with a couple bags full of goodies.

Not really.

"SPIDERMAN, WHAT THE HELL?!" Cheerilee exclaimed in shock, desperately clinging onto her grocery bags.

"I JUST DON'T GIVE A FUCK!" Spiderman shouted out the window, his speaker system blaring as he kept one hand on the steering wheel and another out the window with one finger up, doing donuts in the grass beside the lake. After a few more minutes of doing this, our hero turned off the camaro's engine and climbed out. Cheerilee also did so, gagging as if she was about to vomit, however her empty stomach prevented her from doing so.

"R-remind me to n-never go to an a-amusement p-park with you, S-spidey." the mare managed to say.

"Lawl k."

He walked around the car to her side as she shook off the nausea. She leaned forward and reached in to grab the grocery bags with her teeth. As she did this, our hero snuck a peak at dat perfect postier.

UNF!

DAT BOOTY FINE! DAT BOOTY PERFECTION!

Our hero bit his bottom lip and put on a pair of sunglasses. "Do she have a booty?" our hero whispered to himself.

"She dooooooooooooooooooooooooo..." he answered himself.

"Did you say something, Spidey?" she said through a mouthful of grocery bags.

"Lawl mouthful." our hero laughed at the narrators expense.

"What...?" Cheerilee asked, confusedly as she placed the grocery bags on the grass.

"Nothing lawl."

Cheerilee shrugged, growing used to his shenanigans. She opened up one of the bags and tossed our hero a BLT, before grabbing her daisy sub sandwich.

Our hero placed his sandwich aside and carefully worked his digits under his mask. With an audible hiss, he removed it from his face and placed it on his lap, before digging into his BLT.

The mare sitting beside him stop nibbling on her sub and looked at hero, shocked.

He noticed her staring at him and turned to her, his head tilting quizzically. "What... is there something on my face...?" our hero inquired.

Cheerilee blinked, then giggled. "No, Spidey. This is just the first time I've seen you without your mask on," she said, taking him in. Instead of fur like most creatures in Equestria, Spiderman had peachy white skin. Though, he did appear to have some five o'clock shadow, and also had a small brown mane. He looked weird and exotic, even more so than when he had his mask on, but he was handsome, in her opinion. His features reminded her of someone in her past, someone she was glad was long gone.

"First time I took it off in front of a pony, to be honest. Lawl," he said, interrupting the mares train of thought.

"Why do you have even wear clothes?" Cheerilee inquired, "Nopony but nobles and the wealthy wears clothes, and you're certainly neither of those."

"Bullshit. I get plenty of money from Luna. Lawl." our hero said.

"That still doesn't answer my question."

"Don't get me wrong, I like to feel the breeze between my knees," Spiderman said, reminiscing about his crossdressing adventures in Badly Drawn New York City, "but, well, my cock doesn't exactly retract in between my legs like a stallion's does."

Cheerilee's cheeks flustered as she looked away in embarrassment. "O-oh, I-I see."

DAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWW.

"I got a question. Lawl."

"What is it?" she asked, glad that the subject has been changed.

"Are you a ninja?" our hero asked with a raised brow.

"What, no-"

"ARE YOU?!" Spiderman exclaimed.

"Spidey, a lady's got to have her secrets. Besides, somepony could get hurt if-"

"STOP BULLSHITTING! Lawl."

"FINE! I'M A NINJA! I SNEAK AROUND IN THE SHADOWS, FIGHT ROBOTS, SAMURAI, AND PIRATES WITH A KATANA, AND HOP FROM ROOF TOP FROM ROOF TOP FOR THE HELL OF IT! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?!" she demanded.

"I sure am, lass." a voice from behind said.

Cheerilee's blood ran cold. She knew that voice.

It couldn't be...

Slowly, the mare looked over her shoulder, and spotted a pirate standing over her, a sword held limply in his hoof.

"Captain Morgan..." she managed to say.

"Aye, lass."

"What are you doing here?" the teacher who also happened to be a ninja asked, "Equestria belongs to the ninja. You have no business here."

"That's just not true, lass. I do indeed have business here in Equestria. I'm here to settle some old scores. Your clan caused me a lot of trouble in the past." Captain Morgan said.

"The Ninja Pirate war is long over, Captain." Cheerilee said.

"It's never over, Cheerilee. It'll never be over. I'd say good bye to your friend... you and your humans. You must have a thing for them."

"You bastard."

"Good bye, Miss Cheerilee." he said, tightening his grip on his swords handle as he swung downwards at the mare. She closed her eyes, and waited for her inevitable death.

It never came.

The ninja opened her eyes and looked up to find Spiderman standing over her, holding the swords blade in his hand.

"Hmm... what are you doing, sticking up for a pony? You're a human, a Pirate by blood. You dare protect a ninja?" Captain Morgan asked.

"Yes." our hero responded.

"Why?"

"Because I just don't give a fuck."

"That, and he is from an alternate dimension." Cheerilee threw in.

Our hero activated his nano-suit's superstrength and squeezed on the sword's blade, causing it to shatter, before he used his spare hand to grab the pirate by the collar and toss him into the nearby lake.

After several seconds of being under water, he surfaced and swam to shore. "I expected a fight... good thing I came prepared. ROBOT PIRATES! ATTACK!" he ordered.

From the surrounding area came dozens of robot pirates, their swords raised over their head as they wailed a war cry. Our hero drew the MP7 strapped to his leg and crouched as he brought it up to his shoulder. Seconds later, he opened fire, riddling the closest robot pirates with bullets with a few quick bursts.

Cheerilee shook off the shock of seeing her old nemesis and realized that they were under attack, and that Spiderman was the only one trying to defend her. Thinking quickly, she bit down on her tounge and drew blood. She then brought her hoof up to her mouth and spat some blood onto it.

"Gǒu díkè sī," she said under breath in ancient Neighsian. Seconds later, she became surrounded in a smoke screen. As the smoke disappeared, Cheerilee stepped forward, now in full ninja battle garb, a katana balanced delicately in her hooves. She stood up on her two back hooves, years of strenuous ninja training kicking in as she sprinted forward, slashing a robot pirate that was about to get the drop on our hero in half.

"You know, I wasn't expecting to ever touch this sword again after I went to college and became a teacher." Cheerilee said to our hero, raising her katana over her head and slashing downwards at a charging robot, cutting it cleanly in half.

"I was expecting to get laid today, but you don't see me complaining. Lawl." our hero said, rider kicking a robot that got too close for comfort and mowing down another. He turned his weapon on the next one, only to have it click empty. He dropped his MP7 to his side and extended his suit's vibroblades, before charging into the fray. Cheerilee followed his lead, slashing at any robot that crossed her path.

"Swish!" our hero exclaimed as he slashed across a robots face.

"Swish!" he repeated as he did this again.

"STAB!" he shouted as he stabbed his vibroblades through the robots face and power kicked it away from him, causing the robots carcass to violently explode seconds later.

"You know, you're having a lot of fun for someone who could easily get killed at any moment now." Cheerilee said to him, cutting a robot in half and delivering a roundhouse kick to another one.

"Like I give a fuck." Spiderman said.

Slowly but surely, the pair swished and stabbed robot pirate after robot pirate until only one was left. It stood there, being stared down by our her and his ninja companion.

It turned tail and ran, a little bit of motor oil running down it's metallic legs.

The two turned towards the lake where Captain Morgan was once standing, only to find a small piece of paper.

Our hero walked over to it and picked it up. He quickly read over it, and turned to the mare waiting eagarly to hear what it said.

"I can't read. Lawl." he said.

Cheerilee rolled her eyes and took the paper from him.

"It says... that we need to get our priorities in check and probably take out the evil mastermind instead of the goons first... and that this isn't over."

"Bitchin'." Spiderman said.

Cheerilee sighed. "Can we... like... go somewhere and do something? I need to get out of here."

"Lawl k."

The Booty Menace Part Three

>be me
>Get writers block
>Fuck around on FimFiction
>Notice that other Spiderman fic is featured
>Fuck no
>Starts writing

Oh hey, guys, I'd really appreciate if you checked out the first chapter of the remastered edition of Haylo: A New World. I mean, I can understand if that's not your thing, but I put a lot of effort into it, so I'd appreciate it if you checked it out.

Our hero drove through the Manehattan streets, the golden sun slowly setting behind him as dodged and weaved through the heavy street traffic.

"Reluctantly crouched at the starting line, engines pumping and thumping in time. The green light flashes, the flags go up. Churning and burning, they yearn for the cup," Spiderman said to himself out of no where as he suddenly hung a right, cutting off a bus full of orphans and causing it to swerve and crash, then explode violently for no reason.

"What was that, Spid-"

"They deftly maneuver and muscle for rank, fuel burning fast on an empty tank. Reckless and wild, they pour through the turns. Their prowess is potent and secretly stearn," our hero sang, interrupting the ninja mare sitting beside him, "As they speed through the finish, the flags go down. The fans get up and they get out of town. The arena is empty except for one man, still driving and striving as fast as he can. The sun has gone down and the moon has come up, and long ago somebody left with the cup. But he's driving and striving and hugging the turns. And thinking of someone for whom he still burns."

The sounds of sirens coming from behind caught the attention of our hero and his companion. A police patrol car sped up to catch up with him, it's sirens blaring as the officer inside screamed for them to pull over. Instead of doing so, our hero accelerated and drifted around a corner. The cop accelerated as well, managing to stay behind our hero's camaro.

"He's going the distance," Cheerilee sang, catching onto what our hero was doing, "He's going for speed. She's all alone in her time of need. Because he's racing and pacing and plotting the course, he's fighting and biting and riding on his horse... he's going the distance."

Our hero handed his MP7 over to the mare sitting beside him with a handful of mags, which she took and climbed into the back. She smashed out the rear window, before bringing the submachine gun up to bear and opening fire, focusing her fire on the patrol cars front wheels. The 4.6x30mm rounds easily shredded the car's front tires. Our hero turned another corner, and the patrol car attempted to follow, only to fail to turn and crash into a packed cafe.

"Shit!" Cheerilee exclaimed.

"Don't worry, they were hipsters. Lawl." our hero responded, before going back to his song, "No trophy, no flowers, no flashbulbs, no wine, he's haunted by something he cannot define. Bowel-shaking earthquakes of doubt and remorse, assail him, impale him with monster-truck force. In his mind, he's still driving, still making the grade. She's hoping in time that her memories will fade. Cause he's racing and pacing and plotting the course, he's fighting and biting and riding on his horse. The sun has gone down and the moon has come up, and long ago somebody left with the cup. But he's striving and driving and hugging the turns. And thinking of someone for whom he still burns."

Two more squad cars appeared out of no where and trailed our hero's vehicle, their sirens and speakers blaring as they raced through the streets. One cop leaned out of the passenger side window, aiming his carbine at the fleeing camaro. Cheerilee shifted and aimed at this pony, firing a single round at him and catching him in the arm. He flinched and dropped his carbine as he reached for his wound, before sitting back down in the passenger seat.

"Cause he's racing and pacing and plotting the course," our hero sang, "he's fighting and biting and riding on his horse. The sun has gone down and the moon has come up, and long ago somebody left with the cup. But he's striving and driving and hugging the turns. And thinking of someone for whom he still burns."

Cheerilee shifted her aim and opened fire, destroying the first car's engine block and causing the squad car's engine to sputter and die in a cloud of smoke. The now dead squad car went out of control, cutting off the squad car behind it, causing it to swerve to the left to evade the other car.

"Cause he's going the distance," Cheerilee sang as she took aim and opened fire, hitting the other squad car in the now exposed rear tire, causing the tire to shred and the squad car to flip, "He's going for speed. She's all alone in her time of need."

"Because he's racing and pacing and plotting the course," Spiderman sang, "He's fighting and biting and riding on his horse. He's racing and pacing and plotting the course, he's fighting and biting and riding on his horse. He's going the distance. He's going for speed. He's going the distance."

Our hero hung a right and turned into a dark alley, before turning off his camaro. Several screeching police cars passed by, unaware that they had just passed Spiderman's camaro.

"Are we good?" Cheerilee inquired.

"Like I give a fuck." our hero answered.

After a few moments, Spiderman turned one the ignition. The engine roared to life as our hero slowly drove out of the alleyway and onto the street, away from where the cops were going.

"What now? Lawl." our hero said.

"We could go see a movie?" the teacher suggested.

"We could."

A half an hour later, our hero and his bootylicious ninja companion found themselves inside a cinema. After much debate and no fucks given, the two decided on seeing the latest Daring Do movie.

The two took their seats as the movie began, showing Daring Do in the middle of a firefight with a bunch of Neo-Nazi terrorists. There was a close up of her booty as she popped up from her cover and opened fire, taking out a couple of the Nazi's before falling back behind cover to reload.

"Does Daring have a booty?" our hero asked to the stallion sitting beside him.

"She doooooooooooooooooooooooo." he responded.

The mare on the screen slid a new magazine into her sidearm, took a breath, and run out of cover, firing wildly at the Nazi's firing at her. One went down, followed by another, but the rest returned fire. Daring Do galloped faster, doing her best to escape, only to catch a bullet in the side. She screamed out in pain as she collapsed. The mare held her side and glanced up, spying two Neo-Nazi's walking her way. Daring Do brought up her firearm and fired, catching one of the stallions by surprise and easily dropping him. Before the other one could get to cover, the adventurer took him down with a single headshot.

Satisfied that her enemies were all dead, she dropped her sidearm and held her bleeding side. She moaned with pain, her moans being drowned out by the sounds of a churches bell. The camera panned out, revealing that she was just outside an old victorian church.

Guitars started playing in the background as the song "For Whom the Bell Tolls" by Metallica began to play. The camera returned to Daring Do, whom attempted to rise off the ground, only to collapse once more. The mare rolled onto her back, looking up at the blue, cloudless sky above her.

Moments of her life, including scenes from the previous movies and the books, flashed by as the song played. The filly version of Daring Do playing with what appeared to be her mother and father. Her father in a hospital bed, flatlining. Her mother lying limp in a bed, an empty bottle and some spilled pills beside her. The young filly, dirty and grimy, sleeping in a box as it rained outside. A stallion passed by this box and glanced inside, beckoning the filly outside and taking her home with him. This was followed by various scenes of him taking care of her, eventually leading up to her receiving the hat that she was always wearing.

"How did I get here, you might ask?" Daring Do's voice spoke up as the song concluded, "well, that's a bit of a long story. But every story has a beginning, so why don't we start there?"

Since the writer is too lazy to write out a two hour film, here's a brief summary. Daring Do was treasure hunting in Neighsia when she runs into some Neo-Nazi's looking to find the key to invincibility. After a short firefight and car chase through various shitty 3rd world country villages, the adventurer boards an airplane and returns to Equestria and visits her adoptive father, where it's revealed he was kidnapped. After raiding the local Neo-Nazi headquarters with some of her buddies in the Equestrian military, she finds out her adoptive father was taken to Germane. She then travels to Germane to find her adoptive father and uncovers a secret Germane plot to fund the Neo-Nazi's research and use whatever they find to go to war with Equestria. She manages to get a hold of Empress Luna, who launches an invasion of Germane for their treachery. After an amphibious landing and a giant battle between the Neo-Nazi Germane military and the Equestrian Marines, Daring Do discovers the location of her adoptive father and rescues him with the support of an Equestrian special operations team. They go in, guns blazing, rescue Daring Do's father, and stop the Neo-Nazi's plot to unlock the power of invincibility. As they flee the area, Daring Do gets separated from the others in an ambush, where she is chased down outside a church and drawn into a gunfight. The opening scene repeats, and it returns to Daring Do staring up at the sky, taking one last look at the sky before she dies, as it's likely the last time she will.

The doors of the church opened, and a lone priest walked out.

"Sweet Celestia..." he muttered, looking at the carnage. He walked among the corpses, breathing small prayers for each passed soul. As he reached the last stallion, he heard a low moan of pain. He glanced to his left and spotted a bleeding Daring Do, a gaping hole in her side.

The priest galloped over to her and examined the bullet wound.

"You are a very lucky mare," the priest said, "the bullet went all the way through, and it appears it didn't hit anything vital..."

The sound of a helicopter passing overhead caused the priest to look up. Equestrian special forces, clad in their black uniforms, rappelled out of the helicopter and secured the perimeter. Another helicopter dived towards the church ground and hovered just above the ground, allowing Daring Do's adoptive father to disembark from it. He ran over to the adventurer with a medical team hot on his flank.

"Daring Do!" he exclaimed in shock, seeing her injuries.

"She'll be fine, she just needs to be stabilized." the priest said.

As the medics went to work, the camera panned out, showing the entire churchyard, with ponies frantically running about and helicopters hovering over, before the screen slowly faded to black and the credits began to play.

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! MORE EXPLOSIONS AND BOOTY!" our hero shouted at the scream.

Several shouts of agreement rang out from the crowd.

"Spiderman, what the fuck are you doing? Are you trying to incite a riot?" Cheerilee asked.

"Yeah lawl."

Our hero stood up and activated his super strength, ripping his chair away from the floor and throwing it at the movie screen.

'Ey... you ever noticed whenever someone throws a chair… a brawl shoots off?' Riley from the Boondock's words echoed through our heroes head, 'I bet you don't even have to hit nobody with the chair. And niggas would still start wilding out.'

As the chair collided with the movie screen, the ponies in the room started going nuts. Several fights broke out and women and children screamed and fleed. Our hero and his ninja companion punched out a pair of burly stallions and walked past a making out lesbian couple as they walked out the theater.

"Well... that went to shit rather quickly..." Cheerilee commented as they walked towards Spiderman's camaro, looking over her shoulder and watching as police in riot gear charged into the theater. The sound of fighting and gunfire soon spilled out of the cinema.

"I know. Shit was so cash. Lawl." our hero said, hopping into the car. Cheerilee hopped into the passenger side seconds later and looked at him, a serious look on her face.

"Spiderman... I need you to drive me somewhere."

"Where to?" he asked.

"Manehattan General." she responded, her voice taking a solemn turn.

Spiderman drove through the city, the song 'Drive' by REM spilling out of the camaro's speaker system.

"Smack, crack, bushwhacked, tie another one to your racks, baby," Spiderman sang along, "Hey kids, rock and roll, nobody tells you where to go, baby."

"What if I ride, what if you walk?" Cheerilee sang, "What if you rock around the clock? Tick-tock, tick-tock, what if you did, what if you walk? What if you tried to get off, baby?"

The hospital was in sight now. Our hero hung a right and drove into the hospital parking lot. After several minutes of searching, Spiderman came across a suitable parking space and parked there. Cheerilee opened her door and exited the camaro. Our hero followed suit.

Cheerilee turned to him. "You don't have to come in, you know."

He shrugged, showing he just didn't give a fuck.

"Alright then, come along." the mare said.

The two entered the hospital, Spiderman walking over to the waiting room while Cheerilee made her way over to the front desk.

"Hi, I'm here to visit Shifting Shadows." Cheerilee said, doing her best to be as cheerful as possible. She failed.

"Hmm... give me a moment," the attendant said as she turned her attention to the computer in front of her. She typed in some information and read the info she got backed, before glancing back up at the teacher, "he's on floor four, room fifteen. Do you need an escort?"

"No, thank you. I think I'll be fine." the teacher said, turning away from the front desk and making her way over to where Spiderman was sitting, whom was talking to some stallion.

"Spidey, come-"

"Hold up, let me finish this conversation," he said, shooting his hand out at the mare, before turning back to the stallion, "so what happened next? Lawl."

"So, there I was, covered in bitch, and the next thing I know, BAM! Flash Sentry comes in and steals ALL OF THEM! You'd think that after fucking both my mom and sister, it'd be enough. But no. He's gotta take my bitches as well," the stallion said.

"Sucks bro." Spiderman said.

"Come on Spidey, we need to go." Cheerilee prompted.

"Lawl k. See yah bro. Look me up if you're ever in Ponyville," our hero said to the stallion.

"Right on, bro. You were certainly right about dat booty."

"Unf!" our hero unfed.

"Unf!" the stallion responded.

"Unnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnf!"

"Peace bro." the stallion said, waving good bye as the two entered the nearby elevator. Cheerilee pressed the button for the fourth floor as our hero hummed along to the elevator music like the idiot he was. The elevator quickly ascended to the fourth floor, the door opening with a chime.

The two exited the elevator, and the teacher lead the way down the hall. After walking past a dozen or so doors, the two stopped in front of a door marked with a fifteen.with big, black numbers.

"Here we are..." Cheerilee said, taking in a breath and pushing in the door.

The room was what you could expect from a hospital room. A plain white room, a shitty old tv, and a heavy smelt of disinfectants.

In the corner of the room was a bed occupied by an old, graying stallion.

Cheerilee stood in the doorway in silence for several moments, which seemed to last an eternity.

Slowly, the body in the bed shifted and faced the doorway. It now became apparent to our hero that this stallion was no regular pony, but one of those bat ponies he saw hanging around Luna.

Badass.

"Cheerilee..." he croaked.

"Dad..."

A small smile spread across his snout. "Come closer, daughter." he said.

The teacher stepped closer to the bed as our hero leaned against the farthest wall, fiddling with his dick as he watched the two.

"It's been so long since I've laid eyes on you... you look so much like your mother. It's a shame you had to leave the clan behind to fulfill your destiny... I missed my time with you," he said, wiping away a tear forming in his eye, "How is the young one? What is his name... Squeak or something...?"

"He's fine, dad. Despite his shenanigans, he is doing quite well in school."

Her father smiled. "That's good... it's a shame I will not ever be able to see him again."

It was at this moment that the aged stallion noticed the nano-suit wearing superhero, wanking sneakily.

"So... the prophecy has come true. I didn't think I'd live to see the day..." Cheerilee's father droned on, examining the human, "when the oracle told us our kind's savior would not be a pony, but a human, I thought her insane. But here he is, the chosen one, standing before me. My heart swells with pride knowing that you were the one chosen to find him, Cheerilee."

The stallion coughed violently, causing painful convulsions to shake his body. A little bit of blood rolled down his cheek.

"You would have made your mother so proud, Cheerilee. You've made me proud."

With great effort, Shifting Shadows rose from the bed and embraced his daughter.

"I know I haven't said this enough in the past... but I love you, daughter. I know you will fulfill your destiny."

"I love you too... dad..."

Her father leaned back and lay down on his bed, before looking over at Spiderman. "Take care of my daughter, alright...? Think you can do that?"

"Lawl maybe. I dunno." our hero answered.

The stallion smiled and relaxed as his heartbeat dropped and flatlined. Cheerilee stood there in silence, looking at her father's corpse. She did not weep, nor mourn. She merely stood there in silence.

After what seemed like an eternity, Cheerilee reached up to her father's face and slowly closed his eyes.

"I'll see you on the other side, father." she said, before slowly rounding on our hero, "Let's go back to Ponyville."

"Lawl k."

It was a long drive back to Ponyville. No one spoke, and silence reigned over the car, only to be overthrown in a violent coup d'etat when our hero turned on the radio and started to listen to some REM. It had to be around midnight when our hero pulled up to Cheerilee's house.

"Thank's for coming along, Spiderman... it really means a lot to me." Cheerilee said, smiling sadly at him.

"Ain't nothing but a G thang, lawl." our hero responded.

The teacher began to climb out of the car, but paused and turned towards Spiderman. "Could you stay the night, Spidey? I'd really appreciate the company."

UNF! DA BOOTY BECKONS YOU INTO HER HOME FOR A NIGHT OF DEBAUCHERY.

"I am the bone to your sword." our hero said, turning off his camaro and climbing out of it.

The two walked up to the front door together, Cheerilee reaching into her saddlebags and fumbling with her keys. She found her house key and inserted it into the door knob, before twisting and unlocking the door.

She pushed the door open, and found only darkness beyond the doorway. She trotted in, Spiderman following close behind, as she placed her on a nearby counter and turned on the lights.

"PIRATE ATTACK!" two voices exclaimed in unison.

Cheerilee flinched and reached into her saddle bags, pulling out a large combat knife. Spiderman struck a pose and extended his vibroblades. Two figures jumped over the couch, one large and one small. Cheerilee took aim at the larger one and threw her knife at the figures head.

"Eeep!" the larger one squeaked.

"Mum! Stop!"

Cheerilee shook herself out of trance and noticed that standing before her was Pinkie Pie, whom now had a combat knife tangled in her cotton candy like mane, and Pipsqueak, both dressed up like pirates.

"Mum?" Spiderman asked.

"WHAT A TWIST!" M. Night Shyamalan exclaimed, popping out of nowhere. Everypony stared at the strange Indian, whom slowly backed out of the house and closed the door behind him.

After the shitty horror director left, everyone in the room did their best to forget what just happened and go back to the previous subject.

"Yes... Spiderman, I have a son." Cheerilee answered.

"Wait, Spiderman is here?" the young colt asked, pulling up the two eyepatches he was wearing for double pirate power and examining his surroundings, before spotting the red and blue nano-suit wearing faggot. He quickly sprinted up to him and latched onto one of his legs, "Well slap my arse and call me Margaret Thatcher, it really is Spiderman!"

"Lawl sup?" our hero asked, before turning to Cheerilee, "does that make you a milf?"

"Hmm... no, I adopted him," the teacher said, watching the small colt hang onto the human's leg, "He was one of many orphans caused by the Ninja Pirate war. Most died due to hunger and sickness. Pip was lucky enough for me to get to him before death did."

"Did you enjoy your trip, Miss Cheerilee?" Pinkie Pie inquired, digging the knife out of her mane and hoofing it over to the other mare.

"Yes, I guess you could say so," she answered without emotion, "I'll drop off your payment tomorrow. Have a good evening, Pinkie Pie."

"Okie dokie!" she said with a smile, before moonwalking out of the house.

"I like that mare. She should get more chapters. Lawl." our hero said, looking at the readers with a glare.

"Yeah, Pinkie Pie's a nice mare. A bit on the crazy side, but a nice mare... I'm going to go tuck Pipsqueak in. Make yourself at home, Spiderman." the mare said.

"Lawl k." Spiderman said, hopping onto the nearby couch. Cheerilee signaled Pip to follow her. As the two left the room, our hero got up from the couch.

He looked to the left, then the right, then went behind the couch and whipped out his dong.

"Sneaky wank lawl." our hero said as he started jerking it.

Ten minutes later, Cheerilee kissed Pipsqueak good night and walked out into the living room. There on the couch sat Spiderman, his mask removed and sweating heavily.

"Spiderman, why are you so sweaty?" she inquired.

"I popped a molly, lawl."

The teacher rolled her eyes before jumping up on the couch, lying beside our hero and leaning against him.

"I like where this is going." our hero commented. The mare didn't respond.

The two sat there in silence, the only thing breaking the silence was their breathing and the sounds of crickets trying to get laid outside.

'You go, bros. Get some hot cricket ass.' our hero thought to himself.

Spiderman continued to listen to the crickets try desperately not to get friendzoned, until he heard a new sound drown out the sounds of the chirping crickets.

The sound of a light sobbing.

Our hero glanced down and noticed that Cheerilee was now quietly sobbing into his nano-suit. Getting her delicious tears all over his suit. But Spiderman didn't give a fuck about his Spidey Suit™. Da booty was in pain.

Though everything in his being told him not to, he wrapped his arms around the mare and embraced her, patting her back slightly.

"He's gone... Spiderman. My father, my mentor, the person who was always there for me, he's gone. I'll never see him again."

Our hero had no words of comfort. A man who gave no fucks could not do so. It went against what he stood for.

Unless...

As the mare continued to sob and babbled incoherently to herself, our hero reached into his non-existant pockets and pulled out a shiny, star shaped object.

"Cheerilee..." he said lowly, getting her attention.

She sniffled and looked up at our hero. He patted her head, and handed her the object.

"I found exactly one fuck... it is my gift to you," he stated.

The mare stopped crying and examined the fuck in awe, before looking back at our hero with a raised brow. "...wait... I thought you gave Fluttershy your one and only fuck?"

This time, it was Spiderman's turn to roll his eyes. "I stole it back when she chose the lizard over me. Lawl."

Cheerilee smiled, wiping away her tears and she tightly embraced our hero.

"T-thank you..." she whispered.

Shortly after, the mare fell asleep on our hero, snoring lightly. Not wanting to disturb her, Spiderman embraced her and leaned his head against hers, closing his eyes as he drifted off to sleep.

It looks like you've unlocked something...

Good job, you've got your first waifu.

What, do you want a fucking reward or something? Do I look like a fucking charity case?! GET A JOB!

Anyways, time to vote!

WHAT WILL OUR HERO DO NEXT TIME?!

()Go out clubbing with the talking velociraptor gentleman and Lyra (LYRA UNLOCKED ONCE MORE)

()Help Discord become a friend of justice

()Fight in a gladiator tournament with Ms. Cheerilee

()Take Luna to a Dethklok concert, you've heard she's secretly a metalhead

()...go on an awkward date with Rainbow Dash

()There’s a new mall. Let’s go exploring with Rarity and your pet raptor

()Go to the new bar in town with Twilight and get drunk

()Bake with Pinkie Pie. Acquire money and pot brownies

()Smoke weed with Applejack and help her take down some rival dealers

()Play video games with Spike

()Teach Fluffles the meaning of friendship

()Teach Fluttershy how to french kiss THEN GET FRIENDZONED BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T DO THIS FIRST

()Volunteer at a cripple pony school with Fluttershy and attempt to score

()Take the CMC and Luna skydiving. What could possibly go wrong?

The Metal Will Never Die

Apologies, guys. I couldn't push out the Rainbow Dash chapter. I'll throw it in once I can figure it out.

Dat automatic advancement tho.

Spiderman awoke as the sun's morning rays fell upon his face, much to his annoyance.

"What the fuck, Sun? I thought we were bros now," our hero said, before turning towards where Cheerilee was the previous night, "Sempai, I'm going to go kick the Sun's- Sempai?"

Da booty was missing.

The thought of dat amazing posterior gave our hero pause, his morning wood pulsing and throbbing at the mental image of it wiggling in his face.

But he couldn't rub one out at that moment, he had a missing waifu on his hands.

"Sempai?" he asked, checking the kitchen.

"Nope, not where she belongs."

He continued to search the house, but found nothing. Not even her butt-pirate adoptive son was anywhere to be seen.

Normally, our hero didn't give a fuck, but then again, he did just give her his one and only fuck. Something that has been taken lightly by everyone he has given it to.

Spiderman walked out of the house- Okay, first he kicked down the door, then he walked around.

"Hi, have you seen my waifu?" Spiderman asked a random colt.

He stopped and turned to our hero. "Do she have a booty?"

"She dooooooooooooooooooo." he responded.

The stallion nodded and pointed over down a nearby alley. "Yeah, she's down there with a true stallion."

"Lawl k."

The stallion continued on his way, whistling to himself, while our hero made his way into the alley. As he started down the alley, he heard an unidentifiable sound deeper into the alley. As he continued deeper, he was reminded of the sound his mother made when he walked in on his mother sleeping with another man.

"Unf." our hero said to himself.

Growing tired of the alley's darkness, he activated his helmet mounted flashlights.

Two ponies appeared in the light, both of whom he recognized.

One was his waifu, and the other was the greatest stallion in Equestria, Flash Sentry, whom was currently banging his waifu.

Flash Sentry's head slowly turned in Spiderman's direction, not letting up on the mare underneath him. With a sinister smile, he spoke. "You stole my car... I stole your waifu."

"Yeah, and he's much more of a man than you, Spiderman." Cheerilee said, before devolving in loud howls and moans.

Our hero put on his fedora and tipped it to the two. "Y-you too."

Spiderman woke up with a start, sweating heavily. He found himself in Cheerilee's living room, on the couch that he and his waifu had fallen asleep on the previous evening.

He glanced to the right and spotted his waifu lying beside him, who was startled awake by our heroes violent awakening.

"Is something wrong, Spidey?" she asked, inching closer to him with a concerned look on her face.

"It was just a nightmare, lawl." he responded.

"What happened?" Cheerilee inquired.

"I... I..."

"Yes...?"

"I wore a fedora... it was horrible," our hero stated.

"Oh... you poor thing..." she cooed, wrapping our hero in a tight bearhug, "I cannot imagine a fate worse than being euphoric."

"I think I had a neckbeard as well."

"Dear Celestia..." she gasped in horror.

"Yeah lawl." our hero said, rising from the couch and making his way to the front door.

"Where are you off to?" the mare still sitting on the couch inquired.

"The pool has aids," our hero said as he put on an afro rig, "it is my duty to close it."

"O-oh... alright," she said, getting up. As she rose from the couch, our hero caught a glimpse of that beyond perfect booty.

UNF!

UNF!

UNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNF!

"THERE'S NO STOPPING DAT BOOTY!" Spiderman exclaimed.

"W-WHAT?!" she exclaimed in shock.

"GOTTA GO FAST!" our hero shouted, before slamming the door behind him.

Cheerilee rolled her eyes. "Why do I even bother with him...?" she asked herself.

"Well... I guess he does have a cute butt." she admitted to herself, her cheeks turning a rosen red.

By the time our hero arrived on the scene, it was too late. The Ponyville community pool was filled with ponies, including mares and children. For all he knew, they were all infected with AIDs.

He couldn't do this on his own.

Our hero quickly threw on a suit and tie over his nano-suit and pulled out his Android, calling a certain Empress.

It rang a few times before the alicorn mare picked up. "Oh hey Spidey, what's up?"

"LUNA, I NEED BLACK UP!"

"...where?"

"PONYVILLE COMMUNITY POOL! WE NEED TO SAVE THE PONIES FROM TEH AIDS!"

"HOLY SHIT, I'M ON MY WAY." the empress on the other end responded just as hysterically as our hero.

Seconds later, there was a bright flash, and Luna and multiple other ponies, all dressed in afros and suits, appeared before Spiderman.

"WE NEED TO STOP TEH AIDS!" our hero exclaimed to the group gathered around him.

"GET IN FORMATION!" Luna ordered.

The ponies and the one Spiderman quickly got in a swastika formation and marched into the pool area.

"POOL'S CLOSED!" our hero shouted, kicking the lifeguard tower, which shattered upon impact and fell over sideways thanks to his nano-suit's super strength.

"THE POOL IS INFECTED WITH AIDS, CITIZENS! YOU MUST EVACUATE!" Luna shouted, using her Royal Canterlot Voice.

Our hero jumped into the pool and started violently throwing the ponies in the pool out of it.

"SPIDERMAN, GET OUT OF THE POOL, YOU'RE GOING TO INFECT YOURSELF!" the alicorn shouted at the human.

"IMPLYING I DON'T HAVE EVERY STD IN EXISTENCE ALREADY!" our hero shouted back, plucking up a pair of screaming colts and throwing them at some fleeing ponies.

"Nigga did you just try to greentext in real life?" some fandom fat chode asked. Our heroes eye twitched, before punting the little faggot out of the pool.

By now, everypony had started to flee from the pool area. Luna and her band of zegras went to work, bucking as many ponies in the stomach as possible to check them for aids. Our hero finished throwing the last pony out of the pool, whom Luna grabbed with her telekinesis and tossed him into the horizon with a hearty laugh.

"That was great!" Luna cheered, flashing Spiderman a giddy smile.

"I know lawl," our hero responded, high fiving (can you even high five a horse?) the mare, before looking around suspicious, "let's go before those racist mods show up."

"Quite."

Shortly after, Luna's band of zegras dispersed, leaving only the alicorn and our hero to walk through the streets of Ponyville together.

"It's a beautiful day," the mare commented,

"Yay," our hero stated afterwards.

The two continued to walk down the street and eventually stopped at a small cafe. They grabbed an outdoor table (more like told the ponies at their table to fuck off) and took their seats.

"Spiderman, I am... saddened... by the lack of time we actually spend together. Have I done something to harm you?" she inquired.

"No. I don't give a fuck, remember? That's like my thing, lawl," he said, "it's the readers fault."

"The readers? Who are the readers?" Luna asked.

"Lawl I dunno," our hero said, flipping the readers the bird, "All I know is, they should vote for other options and get some lulz. And if they want da booty, Applejack seemed pretty willing."

"That orange booty is nice." the empress admitted.

"Thank ya kindly." Applejack said as she passed by the two. She paused, wiggled her booty at our hero, winked at him, then continued on her way.

UNF!

"Doth she hath a glorious booty, dear Spiderman?" Luna inquired.

"She dooooooooooooo."

"Booty and readers aside, we should do more things together."

"Lawl k."

The two sat their in silence for a few moments as our hero thought (I know, 60's Era Spiderman thinking, what a fucking miracle) and Luna glanced about the area, taking in the sites.

As our heroes mind wandered, he remembered overhearing some gossip about the empress seated across from him during his adventures in Manehattan.

Under his mask, Spiderman smiled.

"Do you even metal?" our hero inquired.

"What?" Luna asked.

"I said... do you even metal?" Spiderman repeated.

The empressed looked around the cafe for anything suspicious, before leaning over the table. "What game are you playing, Spiderman?"

"Game...? Lawl. Fuck, I lost the game."

Our hero leaned back and whipped out his Android and navigated his way onto the internet... or the ponynet, as it was known in Equestria. After checking his Ponyhoof and looking at some pictures of cats, he navigated his way to a site called Stubhub and looked around for some concerts.

He glanced up at the alicorn across from him, whom watched him with a look of curiosity. He returned to his task.

"Nice," our hero commented, spotting a Dethklok concert, before noticing something wrong, "Wait, shit, it's sold out."

"What is?" Luna inquired.

"SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! It's a secret." Spiderman said, before scrolling down further. His eyes shot wide open as he spotted one of his favorite bands were playing in Canterlot.

He quickly bought two tickets and put away his phone. He then walked up to the empress, who looked up at him curiously, before he picked her up and fireman carried her out of the cafe.

"SPIDERMAN, UNHAND ME AT ONCE!" Luna demanded, banging her hooves on his back as she tried to wriggle out of his grasp.

"No lawl." our hero said, "gotta go fast."

Spiderman activated his nano-suit's external speakers and began to play the Sonic X theme song on a loop, before activating his super-speed and rushing out of Ponyville at the speed of sound.

It wasn't even half an hour later when our hero passed through the main gates of Canterlot, a blue alicorn still held tightly in his grasp. The nobles of Canterlot watched in a mixture of shock and amusement as Spiderman carried the empress through the city faster than a certain blue hedgehog worshiped by a cult of autistics.

Suddenly, our hero screeched to a complete stop and placed down the empress. The mare stumbled around for a few seconds before emptying the contents of her stomach onto the pavement.

"Here, wash that away with some Dew. Lawl," our hero said, pulling a can out of Mountain Dew out of his ass and handing it to the empress. She took it from him with her telekinesis and smiled gratefully at our hero, before downing it in a single go.

"Ah... much better," she said, before noticing where she was, "the Canterlot Amphitheater...?"

"Yeah lawl," Spiderman said, before producing two tickets.

Luna plucked one of the tickets from our heroes hand and examined it, before looking back at him with excited grin. "Metallica?!" she inquired.

"Yeah lawl," the superhero said.

The empress squeed and hugged our hero tightly. However, seconds later, she pushed away from our hero and looked around, making sure nopony saw her.

"My apologies, Spiderman."

"Ain't nothin but a G' thang lawl," our hero responded.

After making their way into the Amphitheater, our hero quickly ran to the little colts room, leaving the empress to wait for him outside.

While he was inside, she summoned the cloak that she wore on her first Nightmare Night and draped it over her.

The bathroom door opened, and our walked our hero, who struck a pose and showed off his new look to the empress.

"Woah..." she said in awe.

"Bitch I be stylin' on you," Spiderman stated. While he was in the bathroom, our hero had changed his nano-suit's color scheme from it's standard red and blue to a black and dark gray.

"Since when can you do that?" Luna inquired.

"Lawl I dunno."

Luna rolled her eyes. "Come along, Spiderman. We have a concert to catch."

Spiderman and Luna pushed and shoved their way to the front of the amphitheater, where the opening band was just getting finished playing. The lead singer said his good byes to the crowd, whom erupted in cheers as the band walked off stage and stage hands came out to start moving everything out of the way.

"At least we didn't miss any of Metallica," the empress said to our hero.

"Yeah lawl," Spiderman responded.

As our hero opted out of conversation for staring at the booty's of the mare in front of him, the alicorn turned her attention to the metalhead standing next to her, casually sipping away at his beer. "You been to any of their concerts before?"

"Y-you too." the metalhead said, before walking away, spaghetti sloppily leaking out of his asshole.

Luna shrugged and turned to Spiderman. "So, how do you know about Metallica, Spiderman?"

Our hero reluctantly looked away from da booty in front of and turned towards the alicorn. "Lawl wut?"

"Well... I was wondering how you knew about an Equestrian music group."

"Lawl, what are you on? Metallica is-"

Before our hero could continue to speak, the crowd around them erupted into cheers. Luna glanced up to the stage, then broke out into cheers herself. Which, thanks to the ROYAL CANTERLOT VOICE™, put everyone else's cheers to shame.

Spiderman looked up to the stage and saw four ponies walk onto the stage, obviously the pony version of Kirk Hammett, Lars Ulrich, James Hetfield and Robert Trujillo.

"How is everypony tonight?!" James Hetfield asked the crowd, prompting them to erupt into even louder cheers.

"We got a good show for you guys tonight. Let's get this started!"

After an epic two hour concert that the writer was too lazy to write filled with amazing music and headbanging, Luna and Spiderman made their way out of the Canterlot Amphitheater, completely drenched in sweat.

"That was amazing!" the alicorn chirped happily

"I'm still getting over the fact you guys have our bands in pony form lawl," our hero stated.

The two continued their way through the now empty and desolate streets of Canterlot, not a soul in sight except for the occasional patrolling guard or bum getting it on with an old toaster. They walked in silence until they reached the entrance of the Canterlot palace.

The empress glanced over to our hero. "Would you like to stay over tonight, Spiderman? Ponyville is a bit of a long trip."

Spiderman shrugged. "I know give a fuck lawl."

Luna smiled and signaled our hero to follow him. The two entered the palace and walked through it's grand halls, that were just as empty and desolate as the streets outside. After climbing some stairs and some more walking, Spiderman found himself outside of what he assumed to be Luna's bedroom. The blue alicorn opened the door and walked inside, our hero close behind her.

Once inside, our hero closed the door behind him and morphed his suits color scheme back to it's normal red and blue color scheme.

"That is so awesome..." Luna commented.

"I know lawl," Spiderman responded as he passed the mare and hopped into the familiar bed from forty eight chapters ago.

"I'M GONNA STICK IT IN THE POOPER!" our hero exclaimed.

"AGAIN?!" Luna demanded.

"AGAIN!"

"BUT I POOP FROM THERE!" she protested.

"TOO BAD LAWL! I'M GOING IN!"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Spiderman, are you alright?" Luna asked as hopped in beside him.

"Yeah, just memories. Lawl," Spiderman responded.

"Hmm... yes, I wasn't able walk straight for about a week."

"You're welcome."

The mare smiled and laid her head on our heroes chest. "Thanks for taking me to the concert, Spidey. It meant a lot."

"No problem, lawl."

2spoopy4me (Halloween special and end of Act III)

Our hero awoke in a dark alley, surrounded by empty colt .45 cans and heroin needles. He didn't pass out or anything, obviously, he just took a nap.

He quickly rubbed one out and stood up. He took a nice, long swig of whiskey and finished the bottle off, before tossing it aside as he started to make his way out of the alley.

"You know... you shouldn't be in a dark alley all by yourself..." a voice said from above our hero, causing him to stop dead in his tracks.

A dark figure rappelled down from the rooftops and hung in front our hero. She, judging by the sound of her voice, was dressed in all black, making her basically invisible. All that Spiderman could make out was a pair of large, green eyes.

"You can't tell me what to do, I'm batman!" our hero shouted at the mysterious mare.

The dark mare facehoofed, before reaching under her mask and pulling it off, revealing her identity.

"Hi sempai lawl," our hero said to Cheerilee.

Cheerilee rolled her eyes. "You can't let me have any fun, can you?"

"Nope lawl," Spiderman responded.

The ninja mare smiled, pulling up our hero's mask slightly and planting a light kiss upon his lips. It lasted a few moments, before pulling away with a light blush.

"...I swear that's supposed to happen the other way around. Lawl," the nano-suit wearing superhero stated.

"Probably... do you have a costume?" Cheerilee inquired.

"Costume?"

"It's Nightmare Night."

"Dafuq is Nightmare Night?" our hero inquired, "Some sort of Satanic celebration where everyone has orgies in the streets while kids are fed poisoned candy?"

"What? No. It's just some innocent celebration where ponies dress in costumes and eat candy."

"Bitchin'. Give me a second to change lawl," Spiderman said.

The mare turned away from our hero to give him some privacy. She heard some rustling and whisperings about the 'da booty' while she hummed to herself as she waited for Spiderman.

"Lawl done." our hero finally said.

Cheerilee turned around, only to find all that Spiderman was wearing a red bowtie.

"S-spiderman, w-what the hell?!" she stammered.

"It's my costume. Lawl."

"What are you supposed to be?" the mare asked, feeling her cheeks heat up.

"Pee-Wee Herman," our hero said.

Cheerilee facehoofed, before replacing her mask. "L-let's just go, okay?"

"Lawl k."

Our hero and his waifu walked out into the streets of Ponyville, his limp dong dangling loosely between his legs.

"Mum!" a voice with a British accent called out.

Cheerilee immediately jumped onto Spiderman, covering him up with her body.

Pipsqueak trotted up to the two, followed by a certain blue alicorn.

"Yay! Group hug!" the young colt exclaimed, galloping up and hugging our hero's leg while looked at the two with an amused grin.

"Are we interrupting something?" the empress inquired.

"Lawl no."

Spiderman pulled a speedo out of his ass and quickly put it on, allowing the mare latched onto him to slide off without scarring her adoptive son for life.

"Did you get any candy, Pip?" Cheerilee inquired.

"Of course. What kinda casual can't get any candy on Nightmare Night?"

"I like this kid lawl," our hero commented.

"Right, well, I suppose it's to get a move on. It's getting a bit late for you, Pip," the mare said.

"But-"

"No buts, Pip! A young colt must get his rest. Come along!"

Pipsqueak sighed as the mare walked off, before looking to our hero. "I got your back, mate."

"Thanks bro lawl."

The two fist/hoof bumped each other before Pip ran off after his mother, leaving only our hero and Princess Luna.

"So, Spiderman, what-"

"OBLIGATORY SEX SCENE FLASHBACK!" Spiderman shouted.

"OH GOD SPIDERMAN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" the empress demanded in her ROYAL CANTERLOT VOICE™.

"I'm going to stick my pinky in your belly button," our hero responded.

"OH GOD- wait, do ponies even have belly buttons?" Luna inquired, genuinely confused.

"WE'RE GOING TO FIND OUT!"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"...what the hell, Spidey?" the alicorn inquired.

"Sorry, too busy not giving a fuck to give a fuck," Spiderman stated.

The mare facehoofed.

"Hello there, old chap."

Our hero twirled around like a ballerina and struck a pose as he faced the source of the voice, spotting his gentlemanly raptor companion, who was dressed a dragon. He was accompanied by Fluttershy, who was dressed like the green Power Ranger.

"It's been a few chapters since we last had each others company," Fluffles said.

"Yeah lawl."

"We don't hang out enough," Fluttershy threw in.

"Blame the readers, not me. Lawl,"

"Excuses, excuses. I am supposed your servant, not sitting around the house like some sort of house pet," the raptor said.

"Nigga, your name is Fluffles. How do you expect anyone to take you seriously?" Spiderman inquired.

"MY NAME IS-"

"WHAT?!"

"MY NAME IS-"

"WHO?!"

The raptor smirked at our hero, getting what he was going for. "S-s-s-slim Shady."

Our hero walked over to a group of children nearby and cleared his throat. "Excuse me! Can I have the attention of the class for one second?"

"Umm... sure?" one of the kids responded.

"Hi kids! Do you like violence?" Spiderman inquired.

"Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!" they responded.

"Wanna see me stick Nine Inch Nails through each one of my eyelids?"

"Uh-huh!"

"Wanna copy me and do exactly like I did?"

"Yeah yeah!"

"Try 'cid and get fucked up worse that my life is?"

"Huh?" the kids asked in confusion.

"My brain's dead weight, I'm tryin to get my head straight but I can't figure out which Spice Girl I want to impregnate-"

"Ummmm.." one of the kids tried to interrupt.

"And Dr. Dre said-"

"Slim Shady, you a basehead!" Empress Luna said with a pointed hoof.

"Uh-uhhh!" Spiderman protested.

"So why's your face red? Man you wasted!"

"Well since age twelve, I've felt like I'm someone else cause I hung my original self from the top bunk with a belt," our answered, "Got pissed off and ripped Pamela Lee's tits off and smacked her so hard I knocked her clothes backwards like Kris Kross. I smoke a fat pound of grass and fall on my ass faster than a fat bitch who sat down too fast.

"C'mere slut!" Spiderman said to Fluttershy, who immediately blushed and backed away.

"Shady, wait a minute, that's my girl dog!" Fluffles protested.

"I don't give a f**k, God sent me to piss the world off!"

"God dammit, Spider-"

"Hi, my name is-"

"What?"

"My name is-"

"Who?"

"My name is S-s-s-slim Shady."

"Hi, my name is-"

"What?"

"My name is-"

"Who?"

"My name is S-s-s-slim Shady."

Our hero ran up the street with Princess Luna, Fluffles, and Fluttershy in tow as he caught up with Pipsqueak and Cheerilee.

"My English teacher wanted to sex with me in Junior High," Spiderman said.

"Spiderman, what the-"

"Only problem, my teacher was a guy."

"I'm not a-"

"I smacked him in his face with an eraser," our hero said, preparing to smack the teacher before him, but instead opting to smack Cheerilee on her perfect booty.

"S-senpai, not i-in public." the mare protested.

Spiderman ignored her. "I chased him around with a stapler and stapled his nuts to stack of papers."

"Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww..." the ponies around him said.

Our hero continued on, the other ponies reluctantly following him, having nothing better to do other than watching his shenanigans. "Walked in the strip club, had my jacket zipped up. Flashed the bartender, then stuck my dick in the tip cup."

Spiderman walked to Cheerilee's house, where his camaro was still parked. He climbed into it, and the other ponies did their best to squeeze inside. He turned on the car and revved his engines, before accelerating down the street, running down anyone who got in the way. "Extraterrestrial, killin pedestrians, rapin lesbians, in a spaceship, while they screamin at me-"

"LET'S JUST BE FRIENDS!" a pony whom he just ran down shouted after him.

"Ninety-nine percent of my life I was lied to," Spiderman said, "I just found out my mom does more dope than I do."

"Damn!" Fluttershy exclaimed.

"I told her I'd grow up to be a famous rapper, make a record about doin drugs and name it after her."

"Oh thank you!" Spiderman's mother said from the depths of hell.

"You know you blew up when the women rush your stands and try to touch your hands like some screamin Usher fans."

"Aaahhhhhh!" a group of teenage mares screamed in agony as our hero ran them down.

"This guy at White Castle asked for my autograph-"

"Dude, can I get your autograph?" a pegasus asked, hovering outside the camaro's window.

"So I signed it: 'Dear Dave, thanks for the support, ASSHOLE!'" our hero said as he signed his autograph on a notepad, before throwing it in the pegasi's face.

"Hi, my name is-"

"What?"

"My name is-"

"Who?"

"My name is S-s-s-slim Shady."

"Hi, my name is-"

"What?"

"My name is-"

"Who?"

"My name is S-s-s-slim Shady."

"Stop the tape! This kid needs to be locked away!" our hero exclaimed suddenly.

"Get him!" some cops shouted as Spiderman's wanted level increased, though they didn't really bother chasing him.

"Dr. Dre, don't just stand there, OPERATE!" our hero exclaimed, "I'm not ready to leave, it's too scary to die-"

"Fuck that!" Pipsqueak exclaimed, before being bent over and spanked by his adoptive mother.

"I'll have to be carried inside the cemetery and buried alive."

"Huh yup!" Fluttershy said."

"Am I comin or goin? I can barely decide. I just drank a fifth of vodka -- dare me to drive?"

"Go ahead," Empress Luna said.

"Wait, aren't we already-" Cheerilee began to say, before Pipsqueak shushed her.

"All my life I was very deprived, I ain't had a woman in years, and my palms are too hairy to hide."

"Whoops!" Fluffles said.

"Clothes ripped like the Incredible Hulk, I spit when I talk, I'll fuck anything that walks. When I was little I used to get so hungry I would throw fits: HOW YOU GONNA BREAST FEED ME MOM? YOU AIN'T GOT NO TITS!"

"Spiderman... what the fuck are you smoking...?" Luna asked the question everyone was wondering.

"I lay awake and strap myself in the bed, put a bulleproof vest on and shoot myself in the head."

"BANG!" Pip exclaimed, shooting a toy gun at our hero.

I'm steamin mad, and by the way when you see my dad?"

"Yeah?" Fluffles inquired.

"Tell him that I slit his throat, in this dream I had." Spiderman said.

"Hi, my name is-"

"What?"

"My name is-"

"Who?"

"My name is S-s-s-slim Shady."

"Hi, my name is-"

"What?"

"My name is-"

"Who?"

"My name is S-s-s-slim Shady."

The car went silent as our hero finished his song. Spiderman pulled his camaro over in the middle of Ponyville, where the night's festivities were still in full swing. He opened the car and got out, the others quickly following.

"Spiderman, can I present you an inquiry, old chap?" Fluffles asked.

"Lawl k."

"What's it with you and Eminem?"

"It's simple. Me and him both don't give a fuck. Lawl."

"That makes sense," Cheerilee commented, before turning to Pipsqueak, "Alright, now let's go home."

Pip sighed. "Okay..."

"But sempai..." Spiderman moaned.

"I'm sorry, but-"

"I don't give a fuck!" our hero exclaimed, plucking up Pipsqueak from the ground and running away.

The ponies stood there and watched him run off with the colt in confusion.

"...what the fuck just happened?" Cheerilee asked.

"Welcome to my world," Fluttershy said, leaning against the teacher.

"Fluttershy... Spiderman never hangs out with you anymore..."

"I know..." she said sadly, "Fucking voters."

"Cheers mate!" Pipsqueak chirped happily as Spiderman set him down, "The night is too young for bedtime. We must gather more booty."

"Did you just say we need to gather booty? We just ran away from a lot of high quality booty."

"No, Spiderman, I mean like buried treasure."

Our hero looked at the little colt strangely.

"...I'm a pirate."

"Lawl k. Let's jack some shit."

"Now we're talking, mate."

Time Turner, better known as Doctor Whooves for some fucking reason, rose from the couch as he heard somepony knock at the front door, likely more trick or treaters. With a smile, he walked over to the door, grabbed a bowl of candy, and opened the door.

"Trick or- OH SNAP, OVERRATED BACKGROUND PONY!" Pipsqueak exclaimed in shock.

"JESUS CHRIST HOW HORRIFYING!" Spiderman exclaimed, before snapping the poor stallions neck.

The two stood there in silence for a couple moments, before Pip kicked the corpse and spoke up. "GRAB THE STUFF!"

Spiderman grabbed the bowl of candy and quickly fled the scene, the small colt in tow.

After evenly dividing the large candy bowl, our hero and Pipsqueak dug into their haul, ripping their piles of candy like a pair of lions feasting on their fallen prey.

"There you are!" a familiar voice called out. Spiderman glanced up from his haul to see a certain bootylicious mare trotting their way.

"Oh snap! It's the fuzz!" Pip exclaimed.

"Lawl," our hero lawled.

"Come on Pip, it's late. Time to get some sleep... we got a big day ahead of us tomorrow," Cheerilee said.

This piqued the colt's interests. "Big day?"

"Yes, so you need to come with me and stop playing with Spiderman."

"Fine... but can I have some ice cream tomorrow?"

"Perhaps, if you come along."

"Okay mum," the young colt said, before turning to our hero, "bye Spiderman."

"Lawl bye."

As Pip started to walk away, Cheerilee walked up to him. "Though I'm mad you kind of... kidnapped him, I appreciate you taking him out and actually doing stuff with him."

"Eh, it's not like I give a fuck or anything, sempai," our hero said with a shrug.

The mare smiled and placed a small kiss on Spiderman's cheek. "Get some rest tonight, Spiderman. You may need it tomorrow."

"Lawl k."

Our hero stared up at the ceiling above him as his sugar-high slowly died down. For some reason, where alcohol and drugs failed to do anything to him, sugar managed to effect him.

Spiderman glanced over to the raptor sleeping peacefully in the old doge bed beside him. Somewhere, deep down behind the lack of fucks and shits, our hero did kind of feel guilty for not doing anything with him. Shit, who doesn't spend every waking with a fucking talking raptor who sounds like Nigel Thornberry and goes around with a monocle and top hat? Not our hero apparently.

Our hero looked back up at the ceiling above him. Maybe-

Spiderman's view of the ceiling was blocked by the face of a familiar ninja mare. "Come on Spiderman, we must go."

"Why? Lawl."

"It's time to fulfill our destiny's. We must travel to my homelands and train in preparation for the coming journey."

"Lawl k," our hero said, rising from the couch. As he grabbed a few things and threw them in a duffel bag, Spiderman glanced over to his sleeping raptor companion.

"Hmm..."

Fluffles the gentlemanly raptor yawned and smacked his lips as he awoke.

Something was wrong...

The raptor's eyes widened as he realized that he was in a completely different room now. The archetecture was obviously Japanese in nature, and it certainly wasn't the quaint cottage that smelt oddly of fecal matter he fell asleep in. He rose from his bed and rushed out of the room he was in, not even bothering to grab his monocle and top hat.

He slid open the front door and found himself in a winter tundra, on the summit of huge mountain.

"WHAT IN THE NAME OF FUCK?!" Fluffles demanded.

"Lawl," he heard a familiar lawl from behind.

He glanced behind him and spotted his master/bro standing behind him, his mask off as he casually ate away at a carrot. "What's up, doc?" he inquired.

"Spiderman...?"

"Yeah?"

"Why the fuck are we on top of mountain in some sort of ninja village?"

"Because I need to fulfill my destiny as the ninja's Keanu Reeves and since you're my servant and bro, you're coming with me."

"Oh..."

Spiderman went back inside as the gentlemanly raptor took in his view, before realizing what our hero just said. "WHAT THE FUCK?!"

Well guys, that's the end of Act II. Beyond a few training chapters, Act III won't begin until I finish with my other project, the remastering of Haylo: A New World. As usual, I recommend you check it out, as I'm putting a shitload of effort and time into it. I also need to take a break from 60's Era Spiderman so I can get some schoolwork done, as I've been slacking in my homeschooling recently. Unlike 60's Era Spiderman goes to Equestria, I don't need to be constantly working on Haylo: A New World.

I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter. Sorry for being a few hours late for the Halloween special. I had to play parent and take my brother trick or treating.

If you don't actively participate in my random ass blogs or read Haylo: A New World, I'll see you guys when I continue Act III in a month or so.