Psychedelica – Pastel Ponies
A pony story by Joseph Raszagal
As inspired by stuff best kept away from children
Chapter Twenty – The Magical Process of Magical Training... Because Magic

Okay, so I owe Shining a couple of bits. It wasn't really a bet or anything, but he fucking called it when he said that Twilight would be pissed.

Really, really, extra, with sprinkles on top pissed. Maybe add a cherry to that. A very irate cherry with a horn and the power to lift you off of the ground.

Okay, I kind of lost that metaphor, but you got the idea.

It took about two days for her to finally relent, at the very least commending me on sticking to my word and stopping myself at two drinks. I can't say that she was too keen on the idea of me drinking again, but I explained to her the method behind my madness, which seemed to help a little more as well.

But revenge, as they say, is a dish best served often.

And fucking serve it to me she did. While I was still granted permission to go about doing things my own way, I was given a strict warning to stay away from the hard stuff.

Still can't get over the fact that Equestria even has the hard stuff, by the way. I mean, really, ponies snorting angel dust and chasing the purple dragon? A hard pill to swallo~

Oh, for fuck's sake. I'll never be able to escape these puns. I'm doing it without even realizing it.

Ugh, so, getting back on track, the wrath of the purple one. In order to keep me moving in the right direction, Twilight allowed me the freedom to enjoy a nice cold one every so often, but on one condition.

It was time to begin my magical training.

In her words, my extreme magical training. Emphasis on the obvious.

You should have seen the glint in her eyes when she said that too. It was like staring into the endless darkness of a black hole. I was halfway down the street by the time she finished her sentence, but that goddamn teleporting. Shit ain't fair. How am I supposed to compete with Nightstalker from the X-Men?

So, with no avenues of escape available, I surrendered myself to my fate and prepared for the arcane equivalent of boot camp.

“T-Twilight... if I try to h-hold this up any longer... I think I'm gonna h-herniate myself,” I said through gritted teeth as I levitated an entire sofa above my head. “N-not to mention... the whole g-getting squished possibility.”

“Levitation is the most basic and primary spell utilized by unicorns everywhere,” she quipped offhand, not even facing me.

“M-maybe to you, Cap'n... b-but I'm kind of the odd g-guy out,” I huffed back, the large piece of furniture wobbling in my magical grasp. “D-didn't even have... this th-thing when I got here.”

“Bring together your focus and clear your mind,” spoke the zebra as she sipped her tea from her seat across from my lavender drill instructor. “The task at it's core is much less difficult you'll find.”

Yeah, thanks for the tip, Yoda.

And yes, I know I've made that reference before, but 'cmon.

“Alright, I think you've held it up there for long enough,” Twilight eventually snickered, shaking her head. “Take a break and catch your breath. Power and strength training aside, we still have to work on your precision. Delicate use of magic is just as important as moving boulders or fallen trees from the road.”

Lowering the sofa as carefully as I could, I immediately fell backwards onto it and sighed.

“Does that mean I have to go get my guitar again?” I asked, burying myself beneath a comforter. “I'm telling you, Twi, I wasn't even good with that thing back when I had hands. It was a phase.”

“A very useful phase,” she countered, her tone light. “As I recall, I mentioned playing the violin during the slumber party, didn't I? Well, while I couldn't in good faith call myself a musician, practicing with it did wonders for my lessons in telekinetic control.”

“Great, so now I'm going to be an engineer guard guitarist,” I mumbled from inside my cushiony tomb. “We gonna add astronaut to that too? Maybe princess?”

“Princess Jeremy Robin, the first pony to build and then play an electric guitar on the moon!” chirped Pinkie Pie as she bounded into the library.

Digging myself out, I eyed the pink mare and quickly took notice of the tray full of drinks balanced on her back.

“Sarsaparilla?” I asked, my mouth watering.

“Yep!” she replied, hoofing a bottle over to me before joining Twilight and Zecora at their table.

Taking a hearty swig from the bottle, I licked my lips and commented, “Too bad it's not Sunset Sarsaparilla though.”

I should have expected what came next.

“Ha, as if! It's a long walk to Nevada, you know!”

But no... Wha~ How in the... No, no, I can't even~

Cutting off my train of thought, the baker bounced back over to me and asked, “So, how's the wizarding going? Learn how to make mustaches yet?”

“Mustaches,” I deadpanned.

Blushing, my purple mentor answered for me, “Heh, number 25. Unless you're asking Spike, it's not a very useful one.”

“Pfft,” Pinkie scoffed, suddenly wearing a curly mustache of her own, “you just don't get it the way we do.”

Pinkie, I'm not sure that anybody gets anything the way you do.

“Okay, so music time,” I said after downing the rest of my delicious drink. “Try not to make fun of me for accidentally imitating the sounds of a cat screaming, alright?”

“If any skill with the instrument you once had, then I am certain that you will not be that bad,” assured the sagely zebra.

I quirked my eyebrows as high as they could go.

20 minutes later proved that such sages weren't always right. Then again, I'd say it sounded more like a dog growling, but eh, semantics.

Point being, it was bad. Bad bad bad.

“Wow, and I thought my hands were clumsy,” as muttered as I looked down at my old acoustic. “So, um... anyone up for an encore?”

“Actually, why don't you let your Auntie Pinkie Pie take over?” the party planner offered as she hopped over to me.

“Auntie?” I asked.

“You and Fluttershy both, Jeremy,” Twilight snickered as she tossed aside the four pages of musical notations that I had very thoroughly butchered.

“I'll show ya how it's done!” Pinkie cheered, immediately launching into something way, way more familiar than it should have been.

Tapping a hoof lightly against the library's wooden floor, she set up a slow and steady beat, going as far as mouthing out the sound effects that came before the lyrics as well.

“Here come ol' flattop, he come groovin' up slowly,” the baker sang, her normally high pitch brought down to accent the mellow song. “He got joo-joo eyeball, he one holy roller.”

With a wide smile, I sidled up beside her and joined in as soon as I could, “He got hair down to his knee, got to be a joker he just do what he please.”

“What's going on?” Twilight inquired, tilting her head.

Something awesome, Twi.

Just... please, just let it happen. Let me have this.

“He wear no shoeshine, he got toe-jam football,” Pinkie continued, her eyes closed as she rocked her head to the beat. “He got monkey finger, he shoot Coca-Cola – He say 'I know you, you know me', one thing I can tell you is you got to be free!”

Together, the pink pony and I both jumped up and belted, “Come together! Right now! Over me!”

Lack of hands or not, nothing was gonna stop me from thumping out a drum beat against the table. And lo and behold, not a fucking thing did.

Swinging from side to side, Pinkie Pie's mane bobbed like a giant tuft of cotton candy as she sang, “He bag production, he got walrus gumboot, he got Ono sideboard, he one spinal cracker!”

Cutting in, I pulled a spin on my rear hooves and added, “He got feet down below his knee, hold you in his armchair you can feel his disease!”

And again, together, “Come together! Right now! Over me!”

At some point, my two tutors ceased being confused and instead started nodding their heads along as well. Pacing over to Twilight as my pink partner handled the extended chorus, I pulled her into the center of the floor and span her around. Giggling, she shoved me to the side just as my next verse came up, “He rollercoaster, he got early warning, he got muddy water, he one mojo filter! He said one and one and one is three!”

“What's he got?!” Pinkie practically shouted.

Ginning, I replied in tune, “Got to be good lookin' 'cause he's so hard to see!”

“Come together! Right now! Over me!”

Flopping down onto the floor, there was just no way I could hold back the laughter.

Magical training... heh, right.

Turning my head, I saw Pinkie flashing me a sly grin. It didn't take long to put two and two together, especially as she passed the guitar back to me.

“Your turn!” she giggled.

With everyone in the room staring at me, albeit quite a bit more merrily than academically this time, I pushed myself back up and brought my magic to a focus. Biting my lower lip, I dared to strum.

My eyes widened.

Twilight's eyes widened.

Zecora's eyes widened.

Pinkie Pie just kept on smiling.

“See?” the party pony said as she bounced out of the room. “Training's all well and good, but if you're not having any fun with it then you're not going to get anywhere!”

As the energetic mare hopscotched out of view, I turned to Twilight.

“Did I just produce an actual chord?”

“I think so.”

“Did I just produce an actual chord by not trying at all and instead... just screwing around?”

“I think so.”

Stifling a cough, as well as a sizable grin, Zecora quipped, “Though it still seems a tad excess, it would appear that you were not far off with first guitarist and princess.”

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HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?! AM I ON CANDID CAMERA?!

To be continued in Chapter Twenty One – Wherein a Mint Green Mare Busts Down My Door to Demand My Attention...