Psychedelica – Pastel Ponies
A pony story by Joseph Raszagal
As inspired by stuff best kept away from children
Chapter Nineteen – Decisions, Decisions... and a Few More Decisions

Sometimes I feel like I'm in a post-modern art flick. Seriously, man, can all of this stuff actually happen to one guy and his friends? Shit is weird.

To elaborate, I think it's pretty clear by now that bridges and I have kind of a love-hate relationship going on. Mostly hate. The thing is, I wasn't expecting any of that to ever go beyond the merely metaphorical and become fucking real. However, as time has tested and told me, my expectations seem to exist purely to be thrown straight out a fifth story window. During a lightning storm.

Cue scene~

“Are. You. Fucking. Serious?!” I shouted, throwing my hooves up into the air in frustration. “I swear, man, these bastards are fucking following me! I mean, seriously, what the fuck is it with me and bridges these days?!”

Turning to face me and raise an eyebrow, Shining Armor asked, “What are you talking about?”

Pointing at the demolished bridge right in front of us, the bridge that we were supposed to cross in order to get back to the palace, I wrestled down my anger and sighed, “That. That thing. Bridges, dude. They just... they're always... I... dammit, I sound insane right now, don't I?”

“A little,” he chuckled.

Rolling my eyes, I grumbled to myself, “Stupid bridges, you're making me look bad.”

Shrugging, the white stallion stated, “It's not that big a deal. There's more than one path to the palace. All this means is that we'll have to take a slightly longer route.”

“Yeah, I guess,” I replied with a snort. “Sorry about that little episode, by the way.”

Said little episode had actually lasted somewhere around five minutes...

“Again, it's not a big deal,” he laughed. “Just try to get a better handle on your suspension of disbelief next time, not everything in the world is out to annoy you.”

Oh God, now he's doing it too! Enough about the bridges! I mean it, I might join a demolition crew just so I can get a shot at knocking a few down, jeez!

“Look, everybody's got issues, I just seem to broadcast mine all the time,” I groused, tapping at the ground in irritation. “I guess my mental filter that we're all supposed to have in our heads is on the fritz.”

“Or it was never there to begin with,” he snickered, holding a hoof in front of his muzzle.

“Or that.”

“So, it's nice to see you again and all,” Shining Armor began as we navigated our way down the bustling city streets, ponies milling about around us in all directions, “but what really brought you up to Canterlot today? The Princess got your letter and forwarded it to me, but all it actually said was that you'd be showing up in a couple of hours. Anything specific that you wanted to do here?”

Shaking my head to clear it, I stopped and looked the stallion in the eyes, “Uh, yeah, actually. I wanted to ask you something. Something important that I don't want any of the girls to know about yet. It's kind of a secret.”

“Okay, and that secret is?” he questioned just before suddenly shifting tracks. “Wait, no, you know what? Before you answer that, you're not going to just waltz into the Princess' Day Court and interrupt everything again, are you?”

“First off, no, I don't think that's in today's schedule,” I answered smugly. “Second off, political meetings don't need me to facilitate their implosions. They're pretty good at doing that all by themselves.”

Suppressing another laugh, Shining said, “Granted, but back to the subject at hoof. What is it you'd like to ask me?”

As we resumed our pace, I took the lead and guided us over towards a wooden bench next to a secluded little food stand. Taking a seat, I motioned for the Guard Captain to join me and then spent the next minute and a half fidgeting with my hooves. Being an amicable sort, Shining Armor waited patiently for me to dig up the courage necessary for me to explain myself.

“Before I get to that, can I ask you this first? How much free time do you normally get to yourself?” I questioned quietly, almost thankful for all of the metropolitan noise surrounding us.

“Huh? What's that got to do with anything?”

“Plenty, yo. Just... uh... please, answer the question.”

Shrugging again, the stallion licked his lips in concentration and eventually said, “Enough, I guess. I'm here with you right now, aren't I?”

“True, but did Celestia give you the day off because I'd be here?”

Blushing, he turned his head away and admitted, “Heh, caught me, huh?”

“Pretty much what I was thinking. Even though I've been doing great as of late, I get the feeling that she's been pulling as many stings as possible to make me more comfortable.”

Letting out a huff, Shining Armor leaned back into his seat and argued, “Can't say that I can debate that, but still, I'd like to think I get enough personal time. Life as a guard keeps me busy, sure, but it isn't as though I don't have a life outside of commanding the troops. But again, why do you ask?”

“The thing is,” I started... only to steadily drift back into silence as my nerves caught up with me once more.

Looking around in hopes of finding something that could help me calm the fuck down, my eyes eventually fell upon the food stand situated a few scant feet from us. With a dejected sigh, I got back up from my seat and paced over to it, pulling out a few random bits from my saddlebags and browsing the menu. After ordering a daisy sandwich and trading an awkward smile with the vendor's much more genuine one, I planted by butt back down on the bench and took a bite. The flavor was amazing, as I'd come to expect from a majority of pony cuisine, and it did wonders at easing my cluttered mind. After a minute or so of chowing down, I brushed the crumbs off of my lap and returned my focus to the stallion seated next to me.

“Well,” I mumbled, taking in a deep breath to steady myself and collect my thoughts, “I... um... I'd like to sign up.”

Eying me curiously, Shining Armor piqued, “What?”

“I'd like to join the Royal Guard,” I forced myself to elaborate.

That stopped him dead in his tracks.

Slowly, the alabaster stallion sized me up, from my quaking hooves all the way up to my flattened ears. Closing his eyes for a moment, I watched his mental gears spin into motion and silently prayed to myself that I didn't really look as frightened as I certainly felt.

I knew I did, but hey, we can all dream.

“The guard, eh?” he questioned, his smile gentle as his eyes opened back up. “Well, I have to give it to you, I wasn't expecting that one. Are you absolutely sure?”

“I've got plans that would require some time to myself,” I divulged, feeling no less anxious despite the comforting hoof that found its way onto my back, “which is why I asked you what I did first, but yes, I'm sure.”

“Any specific reasons?”

Fidgeting in place, I gulped and answered, “Y-yeah, some. I still have a loaded basket full of problems that I find myself thinking about every now and then, dealing with... a few of the things that I left behind. The things that I can't go back to. It's... sort of hard for me to talk about. In all honesty, I've pretty much been trying to ignore it entirely for a long while now. The whole 'out of sight, out of mind' schtick, you know? I don't even think I've talked with Twilight about it, even though I'm sure she's been meaning to bring the subject back up at some point. I mean, I've been feeling a lot better over these past months, almost perfect even, but I can tell as clear as day that she and the rest of the others are all constantly walking on eggshells whenever they're around me, even if they've been doing a great show of pretending not to be. The word 'almost' back there sums it up completely, really.”

“I'm guessing you're referring to your addiction?” Shining surmised.

Casting my eyes down to the ground, I briefly considered counting the cracks in the pavement before pulling together my courage and continuing, “Exactly. I'd... I'd like to think that I'm better now, but addictions aren't something that can just be cured. That's not how they work. You don't get better all of a sudden, you manage the addiction and fight the urges... all the time.”

“I've dealt with it with a few of the guards under my command before,” he stated softly, giving me a knowing look. “I can't say that I understand the stress or pain of it firsthoof, but I have seen others fight the good fight against it. The word 'struggle' comes to mind.”

“And that's just it!” I blurted out, jumping up and pacing back and forth in front of the stallion. “I know I won't be able to just magically get over it and shove it out of my mind permanently, but... I dunno... I'd like to get the strength to fight it off better. I've been really lucky in that don't have the first clue as to where I could find all of my old crutches, but given enough time I know I'd be able to. And that... that fucking scares me, man. I know that someday I'll be able to locate all of the things that nearly destroyed me, and if I went back to that sort of life, this time it wouldn't just crush me, it'd crush everyone that I care about too. I... I let down someone that really cared about me a long time ago and I don't want to be that guy again, I don't want to do the same thing to Twilight and the rest of the girls. I want guidance, I want~

Stuffing his hoof in my mouth, Shining Armor eyed me fiercely and said, “To be whipped into shape?”

Falling back onto my rump, I sat there in front of the stallion and heaved a heavy sigh.

Looking up at him, I swallowed back what felt like the zillionth lump in my throat and silently nodded.

“Hmm,” he mused aloud, trotting a slow circle around me. “Judging by what I've heard and what you've told me, you're not averse to hard work. You do have a bit of a cursing problem and, judging by all the interactions I've seen you in thus far, you seem to harbor little respect for any form of authority.”

“Um, can I throw in my two cents involving that last one?” I asked, my grin wavering somewhere between forced and super-forced.

“Go ahead.”

“It's... it's not that I hate authority or anything,” I argued, thumping a hoof against my head as I searched for the right words. “I just... I've had a problem with respecting authority that I didn't feel was respectable. I know it sounds like I couldn't give a flying fuck whenever I open my fat mouth and let loose a series of expletives that'd make every grandmother 20 miles away blush, but I don't do it on purpose. I just kind of talk like that. It's not something that I couldn't~ I mean, I can... I can get better about it. Really, I can.”

“Oh, if I have any say in the matter then I'm sure about that.”

Smiling sheepishly, I questioned, “So do you think it'd work?”

“You as a guard, you mean?”

“Yeah,” I replied, my tone unintentionally imploring.

“Honestly, and this isn't me boasting here,” he began, his expression easing up several degrees, “I feel like I've made soldiers out of lesser ponies before, sorts that would have been better off serving time in prison rather than serving the Princesses. I don't see why I couldn't do the same with you.”

I felt my smile growing already, but Shining must have seen it, because his glare very quickly returned.

“But that doesn't mean it would be easy. For either of us. This is a big thing here, Jeremy. If you want to join the guard to toughen yourself up, that's great, but neither I nor any of the mares and stallions serving alongside you will pull any punches. None. And we'll do everything in our power to keep you on track too. You'll toil, you'll hate us sometimes, maybe even all the time, but I can promise that what you're after you will find. You will become stronger, you'll just hate the process necessary in getting there. Do you understand?”

“Crystal clear,” I said as firmly as I could.

“Good, because I don't want there to be any confusion,” the white unicorn finished, chuckling. “Still, I'd like to repeat myself, this is a very big decision. I think... you'd best give it a little more thought, alright?”

Relenting, I offered, “I've given it a lot of that already, but I suppose a little more couldn't hurt.”

“You did say you had some plans laid out, didn't you?” he questioned, smiling. “Are you sure that this wouldn't get in the way?”

“That's why I asked how much time you get to yourself, remember?” I answered, finally pulling myself up off of the ground. “I know boot camp, or whatever you guys call it here, wouldn't leave me with many days to spend futzing around with my shit, but once I made active duty I would, right?”

“Well, yes.”

“Then no, it wouldn't get in the way,” I stated, the fresh feeling of certainty returning. “I can wait a little while to get into gear.”

Taking another moment to stretch, Shining Armor smirked, “This really has spent a lot of time on your mind, hasn't it?”

“Heh, does it show?” I snickered.

“In the best way,” he replied. “So, you ready to resume out trek?”

“Palace, ho!” I declared, taking a stance as though we were readying to run a marathon. “Lead the way, Cap'n!”

To which he responded by breaking out into a full gallop, turning his head back to me long enough to stick his tongue out and shout, “Then get your flank in gear, private!”

Fuck me and my stupid brain, we were in a marathon!

“Get back here, ya cheater!” I yelled back, dashing off to follow him. “Only dirty players take head-starts!”

Now, if there's one thing that I'm really, really good at, it's cardio. If you remember as well as I do, I was a member of the track and field team back during my high school days. I could run like a fucking deer and there were few that could catch me.

Made games of manhunt and tag that much more unfair. Heh.

As a pony... I was even faster. Unfortunately, not quite as fast as a military man.

“W-wow,” gasped Shining, collapsed into a sweaty pile only a foot or so from me, “I didn't think you could keep up like that.”

“You're j-just lucky I'm out of practice,” I replied, my grin no less wide despite my mild urge to vomit. “Besides, AJ's been working me like a mule.”

“Hey, w-watch the racism.”

Oh, crap, that's right.

“S-sorry, euphemism... or m-metaphor... or whatever from my world. Can't think straight right now. Remind me to apologize b-better later.”

“W-will do.”

After a decent while spent recovering from our run, we both managed to pull ourselves back up and locked eyes.

“Gotta say, if you can push me to race like that, you might just make it,” Shining Armor laughed.

Grinning, I retorted, “I'll take whatever compliments I can get, but now that I'm thinking about it~

I looked up at the palace looming over us, gold and marble gleaming in the light.

“I planned this trip out in hopes of telling you what I already did. I just didn't think I'd have the gumption to say it all before we actually got here. Now that we've arrived... I don't really know what to do. You told me to think on it for a little while longer, so... what now? I'll stick to my word and give it some more thought, but we're kind of here already. If I'm not going to be signing some papers for a spot in the army, what should we do now?”

Thumping a hoof against his horn in thought, Shining replied, “Well, usually if I'm off-duty I like visit the pub in the barracks. But, uh, that might not be the best idea given... obvious circumstances.”

“True, can't really argue with tha~

Ding. Lightbulb.

Really, really bright lightbulb.

Wow, why the Hell hadn't this come to me sooner? I mean, back when AJ first chewed out her brother about breaking out that bottle of hooch while I was around, I was pretty nervous. The thing was, I wasn't nervous about the alcohol, I was scared shitless that a murder was about to take place. And since then the girls have drank around me more than a few times, even if only a little bit. Rarity with her wine and champagne, Pinkie and AJ, once the latter was comfortable with it anyway, with their cider.

And I hadn't really been tempted at all. Granted, alcohol wasn't my addiction of choice back on Earth anyway, but addictive personalities can get latched onto just about any substance, doesn't really matter which. Still, this was a gamble that I had to take. I'd just laid my heart bare for this guy, all my worries about the things that I've done and the things that I'm still to this day afraid of.

But living in fear is no fucking way to live. No fucking way at all.

Hello, everyone. My name is Jeremy Robin and I'm an addict.

...

Eh, a recovering one, but an addict all the same.

Setting my jaw firm, I looked at the white stallion and grinned. It was time to face my demons and take back control.

“Let's go,” I said simply. “I could go for a couple drinks.”

Backing up and very nearly stumbling, Shining Armor's eyes widened as he said, “You're... you're kidding, right?”

“Nope. Not in the slightest.”

“A couple drinks could lead to a couple more. And then a couple more after that.”

“But they won't.”

“And you know that how?”

Cracking my neck, I cast my eyes up towards the magnificent palace that I had arrived in, the home of the princesses who thought that my pitiful little life was worth saving.

“You remember what I said back there?” I questioned, my eyes still on the gleaming gold and white building. “Some smacking around in training to be a guard would help a lot, but I don't think that's where I should start if I'm going to deal with this. I need to do it my way, the Jeremy Robin way. I'll have a few drinks, then I'll cut myself off. For the first time, I'll say no.”

“You're sure you can do that?” he asked, his tone uncertain.

Nodding the affirmative, I smirked, “Definitely. I have to if I'm going to stop being so fucking scared of this potentially ruling my life all over again. Besides, you'll be there too, right? You can be my chaperone. If you see me cheating and going for more, pull me out of the bar and beat the shit out of me.”

“I really will, you know,” the Guard Captain stated, a steely edge in his voice. “Twilight cares about you a lot. She wants you to get over this hill, I'm just not sure if this is the right way to go about doing it.”

Staring straight into his eyes, I smiled and assured him, “I'm at the crest of it. Just a little ways to go from there. I... I think I can do it too. I used to never think like that, believe in myself I mean. But things have changed. I've changed. I just need to prove to myself how much I have.”

Closing his eyes, Shining sighed, “If she finds out, she's going to be angry. Very, very angry.”

“Well, duh,” I said with a shrug. “And I fully plan on telling her. I'll take the rage as it comes.”

A small silence settled over the two of us as the alabaster stallion sized me up once again. This time, though, I wasn't nervous. Not in the slightest.

I had it in me. I could do this.

After settling on a grin, apparently Shining Armor agreed.

“Alright then,” he chuckled wryly as he turned towards a different path through the palace gardens, “this way.”

A two drink limit. That's what I had decided upon.

Options, though, they were aplenty.

My first choice was a mug of cider, imported from the Apple Family orchards and everything. A single sip was all it took to understand exactly why Rainbow Dash was such a fan. It was damn hard to detect the alcohol in it at all, the stuff was as sweet as could be. Had I not already known what it was, I would have just made the blind assumption that it was some of the most fucking delicious, completely non-boozeaholic apple juice in the world.

And damn if it didn't deliver the most comfortable, satisfying belch of my life.

“Good, eh?” Shining laughed, enjoying a mug of his own.

“Let's just say that I'm officially a fan.”

“Yeah, you and everypony this side of the Badlands.”

“I have to ask though, I thought this stuff was in high demand and sold out really quick. Judging by Rainbow's story, it's pretty much impossible to get some a single day after their big sale.”

“Guard privileges. For a slightly higher price, we get a whole shipment of their finest. Helps to keep morale up.”

Eh, I could follow that logic. Business and all.

“So, what do you think my second and final swig should be?” I inquired, browsing the fully-stocked shelf behind the bar counter.

Already well into his fourth mug (yeah, some chaperone, right?), the stallion pointed a hoof towards a blood red bottle and grinned.

“It's called Dragon's Blood. Made by the dragons themselves. Not sure why they'd give it a name like that if it's their drink, but then again, there's a lot about dragons that I'm not sure about. If you can stomach a shot of that without coughing, I'll give you 20 bits. After that, you can take the train back to Ponyville with the knowledge that you're a greater stallion than most.”

You challenging me, Shining Armor?

Oh, it's on. Challenge fucking accepted.

“One shot of Dragons Blood!” I called out, slamming a hoof down on the counter for dramatic effect.

That was apparently a secret signal for every guard pony in the building to turn and stare. All eyes, and I mean all of 'em, were officially on me.

The barkeep rolled his own eyes, likely having seen this test of manhood many times before, but strode over, popped open the bottle, and poured me one all the same.

Now, before we get to the drinking, I'd like to tell you what this “liquor” looked like. Exactly like the bottle, pure fucking crimson.

“Jeremy, what have you gotten yourself into?”

Shut up, me. I've already dug my grave, it's time to either lay in it or dance on it like a champ.

Lifting the shotglass, my mind traced its way back to my chugging contest with Applejack. I'd soldiered through that, but there had been some coughing involved in the end. A lot of coughing.

This time I had to poker face my way through the whole shebang.

“To the sun, the moon, and a new start!” I declared, knocking the shot back in one swift go.

OH MY GOD WHO ON EARTH WOULD INVENT THIS WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD DRINK THE EQUIVALENT OF HELLFIRE IN LIQUID FORM WHAT'S THE POINT WHAT'S THE PURPOSE THIS IS JUST RED TORTURE STORED IN A BOTTLE THAT SHOULD HAVE MELTED THE MOMENT IT WAS FILLED!

My eyes watered. My throat burned. Every synapse in my brain fired in rebellion of what I had just ingested.

But despite my face likely have turned every color of the rainbow twice...

...

...

...

I didn't cough.

There was much rejoicing. The barkeep even refunded the bits that Shining used to pay for the drink.

Jeremy Goddamn Robin, bitches. But oh sweet merciful Christ was it going to hurt to pee the next day. I could tell.

To be continued in Chapter Twenty – The Magical Process of Magical Training... Because Magic...

Jeremy: So, this latest chapter has me wondering what I'm going to do with myself. Should I tinker around with my electronics and try to become the next pony Tesla, or should I join the Royal Guard? Maybe do both and stretch myself really thin like I've been planning? Any suggestions, yo?

Joey: Maybe stop being so meta.

Jeremy: Shut up, you know you love it. Besides, this is what you get for throwing Twilight at me after that whole Epic Drinking Time whatever.

Joey: No, that's what you get for being such a whiny little fucker.

Jeremy: Hey, if I'm an expy of you, that makes you the whiny little fucker. Furthermore, that means you've essentially been shipteasing your audience with you and Twilight. Have fun sailing that boat, Skipper.

Joey: *Stunned silence*

Jeremy: Sucks, dunnit?

Joey: *Slams head into desk* Can you please just go away? I don't feel like having an argument right now.

Jeremy: Technically, you're not. Not really, anyway. You're arguing with a character partly based on yourself.

Joey: That is... a very complex thing for me to be thinking about. It's past midnight and I have a lot of Captain in me. Can we just, you know, not have an existential crisis right now?

Jeremy: Eh, alright. Laters, Raz. *Departs while humming the FiM opening theme*

Joey: *Sighs* I'm driving myself insane. I'm driving myself insane with ponies.