“WRYYYYYYYYYYYYY” shouted Captain Lord King Griffon, as he charged at us.

Black Hole jumped forward and clashed his horn against Griffon’s sword. Griffon held his sword with a hand for a moment to punch Black Hole in the face with the other, the force of the impact throwing the alicorn to the air. From there, Black Hole threw a barrage of magic beams, but Griffon covered behind his huge sword, which was wide enough to protect most of his body.

“I am the ultimate badass!” Griffon shouted. “My swag level is off the charts! I will kill you and teabag your corpse! Accelero!”

When he said that, he started moving faster than he should. It was like he was on a video and someone had just pressed fast-forward. In the blink of an eye he had flown the distance between Black Hole and him, and was slashing at him. Black Hole created a protective field around him, as he had no way to block Griffon’s lightning-fast attacks. He can do magic like Drogur?

“Lacero!” shouted Griffon, and his sword sliced Black Hole’s barrier with ease. Black Hole roared as he pushed Griffon away with his gravitational magic before the accelerated griffon could harm him.

I felt the hair on my back stand on end and I jumped to a side, just in time to dodge a huge lightning. I looked up and found Screwball riding a cloud and holding lightning-like spears in both claws, like Zeus in Disney’s Hercules. I used One Piece’s main character’s powers, which turned my body into rubber. That made me immune to the lightning attacks, and I could stretch my arms so much I could punch Screwball from twenty meters away. I flew towards her while she was busy dodging my punches, but I had to retract them when Griffon tried to cut them off. I became ‘normal’ again and pulled my dragonbone hammer from my back. Griffon flew towards me and we clashed our weapons. He was still faster than he should, so I increased my speed to match his own with magic. Black Hole kept Screwball busy while I tried to kill Griffon.

“What are you, Discord’s fat cousin?” he asked, talking as fast as he moved.

“I AM NOT FAT” I shouted back, marking each word with a swing of my weapon.

He was rather good, and soon I found myself struggling to block his attacks. He can’t be better than Emerald Sword, though. I made five swords appear out of thin air and attack him from all sides. As I thought, he didn’t manage to avoid all of them, but the armor was too strong to be pierced by the weapons I used.

“You can’t pierce my leet armor! You need to be at least this awesome to do that,” he taunted raising his left arm at his eye level to show the amount of awesome required.

“Just you wait, I’m going to turn you into Kentucky Fried Chicken!”

I tried to hit him in the head with a horizontal blow from my hammer, but he stopped flapping his wings and my weapon passed over his head. I moved away just in time to avoid having both legs cut by his next attack, his blade passing so close I felt it graze my cheetah leg. I flew away from him and looked for Screwball and Black Hole. I found them exchanging energy attacks below me. This alifaggot sure is helpful. It’s a shame that I could only summon him because Screwball did it and doing so was chaotically unexpected. Griffon started to sing something about a sword, but I was too focused on avoiding his attacks and I don’t remember it.

“Enough with the singing!” I shouted, frustrated because a griffon was beating me. I pulled a shotgun from my back and fired it.

A barrage of spiders of all species and sizes came out of the shotgun’s barrel, all of them landing on Griffon.

“NONONONONONO! GET THEM OFF! GET THEM OFF!“ he screamed. “IGNIS!” A burst of fire surrounded him, setting him ablaze. “EXTINGUO!” the fire died off, revealing a spider-free, but charred griffon.

“You are so dead,” he hissed. “No one messes with my fear of spiders.”

I shrugged and shot him with the shotgun again, but this time it fired pinecones instead of spiders.

“Wat,” we both said, as the pinecones bounced off of Griffon’s armor.

“I was expecting something 20% cooler to come out of it,” I said.

“20% cooler?” Griffon asked, then he grinned. “Hold on a second... Do you like mmmmmmm... bananas?”

No fucking way, Screwball summoned a brony?!

“Yes, but we ain’t finding any bananas-” I said.

“ON THE MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONAAAAA, BEEEYAAATCH!” we shouted in unison.

“SHIT!” Screwball cursed when she heard us.

“Why would a brony like you become evil, forcing me to kill you?” he asked.

“Evil, moi? Do you even know how you came here?”

“Of course I do! I was on my ship, planning how to-” he stopped, as his eyes widened in realization. “Dafuq is this?”

“Dude, there are two possibilities: either you were teleported here by Screwball and mind wiped to attack me, or you are just a fake Griffon made with magic, just like that alicorn down there.”

He stared at Screwball, then at me, then back at Screwball, then he just stood still. Not still as in too shocked to move, but still as in frozen in time. Heck, his wings weren’t moving but he wasn’t falling either. Screwball appeared on his back, frowning.

“You broke him!” she angrily snapped. “That’s not funny! I can’t do the same to Black Hole, he is just too stupid and self-centered to realize he isn’t real! Now I have to fix him!”

I tried to stop her, but she created a protective shield around them. She opened Griffon’s cranium as if it was a box, then she hit his brain with a wrench a few times as I tried to break the shield by hitting it with the hammer. She closed Griffon’s head and dispelled the protective field as soon as she finished with the wrench.

“WRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!” said Griffon, charging again as Screwball turned to face Black Hole, who had just arrived. I blocked his sword with my bear hands.

No, really, I turned my hands into bear heads and held the sword by biting it with both. Griffon tried to release his weapon, but I was stronger.

“Fortis!” he shouted, and I stopped being stronger than him.

He freed his sword from my grip with a strong pull and, using the momentum, did a 360 degrees slash aimed at my torso. My hands back to their original form, I blocked the lethally sharp dragonscale blade with my bone hammer, but the impact made me fly into the distance. If I survive this, Drogur will be so happy when I tell him all these new magic words! I recovered mid-air and charged at him with the hammer held above my head. He lazily moved back to dodge my attack, but as soon as my arms were below my head I breathed fire from point blank range on him. His sword protected him from part of my attack, but the feathers of his only real wing caught on fire.

“Exingmmmph!” I made a zipper close his lips before he could finish the magic word. Well, he was a griffon, so he had a beak instead of lips. However, the cartoon physics of this world allowed said beak to make expressions that were otherwise impossible... Let’s focus on what happened, those details aren’t that important.

Griffon flew to the ground as fast as he could, so he could roll on the floor to put out the fire. I attacked him with laser beams from my eyes while he was too busy to fight back, but his armor protected him from that kind of attack. Even then, I still managed to hit him in an unprotected section of his right leg. And now... For the biggest troll move ever. I charged magic and, when Griffon touched the ground, I turned it into gasoline with a snap of my fingers.

“EXPLOSIOOOOOOOON!” I shouted, but my voice was deafened by the actual explosion.

I saw Screwball teleport over the field of fire and put it out with a huge extinguisher she pulled out of nowhere. I was surprised to find that Griffon had survived, even if he was severely injured. The griffin... I think both terms are correct, right? You can say either griffin, griffon or gryphon and there’s no difference... Right? Well, whatever. The griffin took a small vial from one of the pockets from his belt with a trembling hand and drank its liquid content. That can’t be good. I tried to kill him before whatever he was drinking had an effect on him, but Screwball teleported on my back and started biting me.

“AH! Stop! Why won’t you-AAAH!” I tried to grab her, but she kept on dodging and moving out of reach while she hurted me with her teeth and claws. I teleported away, but I carried her with me so it was useless. Then I changed into a snake, the sudden size change making her fall before she started flapping her wings. I fell for a few meters before changing back to my draconequus form. After that, I flew towards Screwball, wielding the Master Sword itself with my left hand, and a Hylian shield with my right. She parried my vertical slash with a two-handed runeblade. I recognized it, it was Frostmourne, the cursed weapon of the Lich King. I hope this one can’t steal souls like the ‘real’ one. Thanks to the chaos gimmicks, I was able to fight like a master swordsman even though I had never practiced with a weapon when I was a human. Unfortunately, this also applied to Screwball. We fought with ferocity, both with our swords and with magic spells. My shield was destroyed by a particularly strong attack from Screwball after I made her propeller hat fall from her head with an horizontal slash aimed at her head, so I pulled my hammer from its hammerspace. Using the hammer with only one hand was slow and cumbersome, so I dropped the Master Sword after Screwball almost managed to stab me twice because I couldn’t move the hammer fast enough. We fought for a whole minute without interruptions, using both conventional attacks and chaos, until I felt a very powerful magic. We both stopped fighting and turned to face the source of the magical energy. I saw Griffon and Black Hole, both screaming in terrible pain and covered in black fire. The magical fire grew stronger with every passing second. They collapsed roughly at the same time, and when the fire disappeared, nothing remained of the two of them.

“What did just happen?” I asked.

“Tartarus fire,” Screwball said. “It burns magic.”

“Wow. That is some dangerous stuff. How come a griffin could use such a spell?”

“Latin magic can do pretty much everything if you say the right words and have enough magic. What Griffon didn’t know is that he was made of magic, so he started burning as soon as he said the word.”

“So that’s the secret! Only Latin words have power!” I exclaimed. At last I discover how the fuck it works! “Wait, I tried doing Latin magic once and nothing happened.”

“Oh, great, I just told you how Latin magic works. Can we just keep trying to kill each other before I mess up again?” she said, and I turned to face her, as I had been staring at the scorched land where Black Hole and Griffon had died the whole time.

“Isn’t there any other way to solve this? Like, a game or something like that. I’m tired of fighting.”

“Hm...” she stroke her chin while thinking. “Nope.”

I grabbed her with both arms and flew towards the ground, smashing her against it. I summoned a jackhammer and used it on her, but she turned its bit into a spring and it jumped out of my hands. I watched it jump away for a few seconds, and that allowed Screwball to punch me in the stomach and jump away. I need to focus and stop paying attention to such distractions! I took a watermelon from nowhere and ate it whole, then I spat the seeds at Screwball. The seeds came out of my mouth like bullets, but Screwball did a Matrix-like sideways jump and dodged them. She pulled a golden gun from her mane and fired it before touching the ground, but I managed to stop them with Magneto’s mutant powers. She flew to have both hands free and lightning came from her fingertips.

“Again with the lightning?” I managed to ask as I placed a lightning rod in front of me before the pain caused by the attack was too big. Because, you know, lightning travels too fast for me to do anything before it touches me.

My energy reserves had been shrinking since the start of the fight, so I was about to be out of mana. That is why I decided to use them up in a last attempt at defeating Screwball once and for all. I shouted as I focused the remaining energies, like a Dragon Ball character, and I reached reaching the legendary level of super spaghetti 3.

This powerful form was a blatant insult to all the brony fandom. I had become a fat human, with a neckbeard, acne and a long mane made of spaghetti with meatballs. I could smell the stench of doritos and sweat coming out of my body in waves of autistic power, as well as feel the spaghetti coming out of the pockets of my dirty sweatpants. I was wearing a black T-shirt with a crude depiction of Rainbow Dash and the phrase ‘20% cooler’ on it. I was invincible.

“I want to cum inside Rainbow Dash,” I stated.

I teleported behind Screwball and grabbed her by the tail. The contact of my fingers, stained with Doritos nacho cheese, sank into her flesh as if she were made of marshmallows. I grabbed her neck with my right hand while holding her tail with the left one, my mouth salivating with anticipation.

“Get away from me you creepy bastard!” she shouted, and her resistance only made the bulge in my pants grow harder.

“Brushie brushie,” I said, making her shiver with fear and revulsion. “My Twilight Tulpa said a pony needs to have her mane brushed everyday.”

I was about to start brushing her mane while dry-humping her, but then she turned her head 180 degrees, like the girl from The Exorcist, and puked on me.

“You won’t have this candy-vag,” she said with a deep male voice.

I released her, and I prepared myself for a last attack before my transformation ended. I turned the grass around Screwball into vines that trapped her. After that I raised both arms and moved them as I said the magic words for a powerful spell.

“Heed me thou who is darker than dusk
In the name of that which has been buried in the bottomless abyss
Infuse me with power
Let your strength become mine
To wipe them from the face of this earth
To deliver them onto the ultimate doom!
DRAGON SLAVE!”

A great red beam of energy came out of my filthy hands, hitting my still tangled opponent as I became a draconequus again. The magic beam created a cloud of smoke that didn’t let me see Screwball, but I could hear her voice after a few moments, saying the words for another spell.

"Seeping crest of turbidity. Arrogant vessel of lunacy! Boil forth and deny! Grow numb and flicker! Disrupt sleep! Crawling queen of iron! Eternally self-destructing doll of mud! Unite! Repulse! Fill with soil and know your own powerlessness! HADO NUMBER 90: KUROHITSUGI!"

An unfathomable darkness surrounded me, so powerful and terrible I couldn’t even think of a way to counter it. I tried to escape, but the black walls that surrounded me from all sides, sinking me in pure darkness, were impervious to all my attacks. Shortly after the walls finished closing I felt the pain of being stabbed by a thousand spears made of something so evil and horrendous that I felt my very soul being harmed. It lasted for only a second, but by the time it was over I was lying on the floor, bleeding from all my body and struggling to keep myself alive. I watched as Screwball limped towards me. Her right arm was severely damaged, and her body was covered in burn marks.

“Damn it...” she muttered when she reached me. “I don't know where you took that last attack from. You should feel proud of yourself, now I haven’t got enough energy to finish you off,” she stopped talking for ten seconds to regain her breath. “But I still have enough to do something. Daddy doesn’t turn ponies into stone, but I am not daddy and you are not a pony, right?”

She grabbed her own neck with her eagle claw and she pulled her own face off, as if it was a mask, only to reveal a cockatrice face below. As soon as I stared into her brilliant red eyes, I felt a numbing coldness spread from my limbs. The coldness moved towards my head, making me unable to feel anything behind it. No! I have to do something! I can’t let her turn me into stone! I don’t want to end like Angel Bunny in Fallout: Equestria! NOOOOOOOO!

I had no mouth, but I had to scream. I could vaguely see through my petrified eyes, so I watched as she tried to carry me and failed miserably. She surrendered after a few minutes and left me alone, unable to do anything but stare into the dirt (and she had left me facing the ground). Hours passed until Screwball returned, fully healed and in her pony form, and grabbed my by the head. She somehow rose me from the ground and carried me to a small lake. She dropped me into it, and she covered me with the dirt of the bottom to hide me from everypony else. This also had the side effect of blocking my sight, which was the only sense I still had while being a statue.

And that’s how I met your mother. I mean... And that’s how I ended up here, my body turned into stone and my conscience drifting in an endless expanse of nothingness. Keeping track of time is hard, and for all I know I may have spent here a day or a century. I spent some time trying to break free, but nothing worked. Then I started to talk to myself, until I remembered how I had forgotten most of my human life so I began to do this autobiography thing to keep myself busy. I had to stop a few times in the middle of it to unleash some chaos in my mind, turning the nothingness into darkness (which is something completely different) or into Deadlights that turn into spiders and clowns. Now I guess I’ll try to make a copy of myself so I can talk to someone who can actually talk back.

…
...
…

A͡l̢͟rí͟g̨h́͝t,̴ ̷̵t͞h̕at҉ ̶̨́is̸̷͜ ͏my͞ ́s̶̀i͡g̨̢͢n̛a̕l͘͠ to̷ ̴i͘ņ̷̸t҉érv̡̨e҉̧n̸̕e͘͘.̀

Hello, bronies. It’s me, D͚͓͍̋̑͗ͦ̏̄̃͜͡͝ͅi̻̰̲̱͕͉̮̱̙͚̟̝ͮ͗ͪͤͫ̅̒̉̂̊̎̊́̚̚s̴̷̡͓̺̖̱͕̫̈́ͧ̈͂̐̓ͨ͢h̴̛͓͚̝̝̗̹̠͙͔̻͓͑͋ͪͬͪͧ̍̑̾̚͡a̶̵̖̠̗̪̪ͩ̀͋́͢͡r̷̀̔͌̉̀͌͆ͭͯͧ̋ͤ̈͊͊ͤͯ͞͏̴̳͖̤̞̖̬̖̥͎̖̫̭͈̠͠m̍̄ͨͭ̄̿ͣͯ̂̿͆̇̔͛͠͏̸̰͉͖̘̬̩͕̲͕̹͕͇̙̬̱̳͉ǫ̤̗̼̖͚̯̝̖̞͉̰̝͈̭̙̮ͩͧ̏ͫ̆̚̕͟͜ņ̫̥̰̩̘̻͙̝̪͇̫̘̻̌̌̌̅̎ͩ̊͛̾̆ͮ̑̏ͬͣ̓̚͡ͅy̽͗ͦ̃̋͌̋͂̂̈́̄ͦͨͨ̍ͬ͒͟͞͏̛͚̞̼̞̩̥͡, here to save this story from becoming the most boring piece of shit ever. From now on, I will be the narrator, so we are changing to third-person narrative. As you may have guessed, that means that Havoc manages to break free from the stone prison.

Author's Notes:

Yep