I woke up feeling better than I had felt in weeks. I had gotten used to sleep wherever I could rather soon, and some of my forms have scales or thick hide that don’t really notice the difference between rock, dirt and bed, but sometimes I woke up longing for a real bed. To sum it up: I felt happy.

The room was dark, and a quick peek at the window confirmed that the sun had yet to rise. I got up and looked out the window at the sky. I guessed the sunrise wouldn’t happen in at least two hours, so I decided to do something I really wanted to do: have a proper breakfast. I knew it was stupid and risky, but I was decided to do it, so I left the bedroom and changed into diamond dog. I found the kitchen thanks to my powerful sense of smell, which helped me take the correct turn in every intersection without even needing to turn any light on. I stood still a few seconds after I entered the kitchen and turned the magic lights on, as I feared I wouldn’t know what to do without a microwave oven or a fridge. When I overcame the initial shock I noticed two things. One, my skin was no longer crystal-like. Two, the kitchen was too small for such a big place, so it probably wasn’t the kitchen where the palace’s staff prepared the meals for everypony. I changed to draconequus and walked on all fours towards something that looked like a fridge with some gems on top of it. I could feel magic coming from the gems, so I guessed they were the source of power. I opened it and found lots of milk, eggs, many dairy products and a few more things. No meat, not that I expected ponies to have meat, but I have a craving for bacon right now... Hm... Maybe... NO, killing one of the mane six and turning her into bacon is a no-no! It wouldn’t even taste like pork bacon. Casting aside such murderous thoughts, I grabbed a bottle of milk, butter, peach jam and eggs. Grinning like a sex-maniac, I looked all over the place until I found all the ingredients I needed.

Twenty minutes later, I was seated at the table, with the best breakfast in the history of breakfasts made by a draconequus minor in the kitchens of the Crystal Empire’s palace in front of me. I was about to have eggs, french fries, hay bacon strips, toasts, pancakes, a fruit salad, coffee with milk and an orange juice for breakfast. I also found a spare refrigerator gem, so I decided to eat it as a replacement for meat, and I found to my delight that it tasted like ice-cream. While looking for the bread for the toasts I found that somepony had brought it and a newspaper earlier. Probably a few minutes before I arrived, as the bread was still warm. I had made so much of everything I would need at least an hour to eat it all, and I intended to do so. So there I was, sitting at a table, having breakfast while reading the newspaper. I had even taken a napkin, a dish and cutlery instead of eating with my bare hands. The only problem was that the chairs and tables were too small for me, so I was a bit uncomfortable, but trying to shrink myself to solve that would have been a stupid waste of magic.

I was going to eat some hay bacon strips when the door to the kitchen opened, and the mane six, Spike, and the Royal Couple came into the kitchen.

“It smells nice!” exclaimed Spike, who had not seen me yet. “I thought you said nopony had... made... HOLY GUACAMOLE!”

Okay, Havoc, first things first: you are a fucking idiot for not going to another room to have breakfast without being seen. Now play it cool, the more you freak out the more likely is that they will zap you with the Elements of Harmony. I stared at them, who were already staring at me. Nopony dared to break the silence, so I returned my gaze to the newspaper.

“Good morning, everypony,” I said nonchalantly. “I made enough breakfast for all of us, feel free to come and join me.” I used my magic to place extra dishes and cutlery on the table for the newcomers.

“Can we panic now?” Rarity whispered.

“That won’t be necessary,” said Shining. “He’s on our side.”

“Really?” asked the rest of them, save for Fluttershy and Cadance.

“Ugh... It’s too early for this,” the stallion groaned. “Why did you have to be here?”

“Sorry, I didn’t expect you to wake up before the sunrise,” I explained.

“Well, at least you made breakfast,” commented Cadance. “That is a nice gesture.”

“What is going on?!” asked Rainbow Dash. “Why is Discord’s fat cousin here and why are you saying he’s not an enemy?!”

“Hey, I’m not fat! I’m big boned!” No, really, I am not fat! Fat is the last adjective one would use to objectively describe me.

“He saved me from Sombra in the frozen lands,” explained Shining Armor. “He also swore to help us if, for some reason, Sombra had attacked us.”

“Then why didn’t we see him when Sombra was tryin’ to get the Crystal Heart?” asked Applejack.

“I was trapped by the dark crystals inside of a house,” I explained. “Those things are a real annoyance, at least their source is dead. The food will cool down if you don’t come soon.”

“Like hay I’m going to eat something made by you!” exclaimed Rainbow Dash. “You could have poisoned it all!”

I shrugged and resumed reading. A few seconds later Shining, Cadance and Fluttershy took seats at the table. The alicorn’s horn glowed, and a faint blue aura covered all the food for a few seconds.

“The food isn’t poisoned,” she told everypony, then she faced me. “You know, it’s uncouth to raid other ponies’ fridges without permission, and it probably is a crime, if you take into account that this is the Royal Kitchen.”

“I guess you are right. It’s just that I haven’t had a real breakfast in months and I couldn’t resist the chance of having one today. I hope you will forgive me.”

Cadance is going to become best pony at this rate. To think I raged when I learned that Hasbro was going to add her as a third alicorn... Wait, she said that as a joke, right?!

“I have always been proud of my pancakes. However, the batter could be one thousand years old, so be careful.”

“Is that a half-eaten refrigerator gem?” asked Shining, raising an eyebrow.

“Yes, it looked too tasty not to eat it. I am part dragon and part diamond dog, so I can eat them. ...Oh! I hope they aren’t very expensive or rare!”

“Don’t worry about that, I was just curious.”

Those who hadn’t taken a seat at the table were staring at us with the funniest expressions I had seen in quite a lot of time. Twilight, Applejack and Spike were mouth agape, Rainbow Dash was frowning and Rarity had a expression of disgust.

“Fluttershy, I think your friends don’t want to join us for breakfast. What can we do to convince them otherwise? Breakfast is, after all, the most important meal of the day.”

The yellow pegasus whispered something with such a faint voice that I couldn’t understand a single word.

“Please, Fluttershy, you don’t have to be shy around me. We started with the wrong foot, hoof, whatever, what with me making a mess in your house and you *gulp* Staring me... But that’s all in the past and we’re friends now, right?”

“... I guess so?” she muttered, not very convinced.

“I didn’t know you knew each other,” said Shining.

“You never asked.”

“Girls!” called Cadance. “How longer are you planning on standing there with shocked expressions? Please come and take a seat so we can start.”

At last, Twilight moved forward, and the others followed her. When the last of them sat awkwardly at the table, I could finally eat the hay bacon strip I had on my dish. It was a big letdown, as I expected it to be way more tasty.

“I think you should tell us who are you and what are you doing here,” said Twilight, who was the only one who hadn’t fell for the charm of my breakfast and wasn’t eating.

“My name is Prince Havoc, I am an alicorn,” she frowned when I said that. “What, you don’t believe me? Have you ever seen a male alicorn before? This is what we look like, it’s called sexual dimorphism.”

“He’s right, Twilight,” said Cadance. “Draconequi are, in fact, male alicorns.”

Their mouths hit the floor, including Shining’s, as they looked from Cadance to me in bewilderment. She managed to keep her poker face, but I bursted into laughter very soon.

“Princess, you are the best pony I have ever met!” I managed to say between laughs. I laughed so hard that I fell from the chair, and that made me laugh even harder.

I sat back on the chair when I finally managed to stop laughing.

“Okay, okay, let’s get serious,” I said, gasping for air after laughing so much. “My name is Havoc, I am a draconequus minor. That means I’m a cheap version of a real draconequus, so comparing me with Discord is like comparing a normal pony with Princess Celestia. You don’t need to introduce yourselves, I already know your names.. I have been sent to... What was the name of this world again?”

“Equis,” said Twilight.

“I have been sent to Equis with a mission. I don’t know how much can I reveal without getting in trouble, so I will only say that I am Discord’s enemy.”

“Discord? He ain’t no trouble,” said Applejack. “We sent him back to Canterlot’s statue garden.”

“That’s correct, but he can still do a lot of harm from there. He has powerful followers.”

“Who would follow that evil brute?” asked Rarity.

“You would be surprised.”

“What does Discord have to do with the Crystal Empire?” asked Shining Armor.

“Nothing that I know of. My presence here is by mere chance. I have lived for some weeks among the diamond dogs, and then with dragons, I ended up here while travelling South.”

“You lived with the diamond dogs? I would expect them to either try to eat you or worship you as a god, not letting you live with them,” said Shining Armor, surprised.

“I’m a resourceful draconequus, look at this,” I replied, turning into a diamond dog. “I be Garrosh, I good diamond dog!”

Twilight did a spit take, Spike jumped from the chair and Applejack nearly choked on a toast.

“You!” they said at the same time.

“I knew you sounded familiar!” exclaimed Pinkie Pie, who had remained uncharacteristically quiet.

“Yeah, the only of you I haven’t met face to face until now is Rarity.”

“Wait, when did I meet you?” asked Rainbow Dash, so I transformed into Berry Punch.

“I’m never jousting against you again,” I said, then I changed back to avoid wasting energy. “Now I’m going to try the pancak-”

I found that the dish that previously had a mountain of pancakes was now empty. I stared at Pinkie.

“It wasn’t me, I Pinkie Promise!” she said, then I stared at Cadance, who looked from side to side for a few seconds.

“I regret nothing,” she stated, making all of us laugh.

“There’s something I don’t understand,” said Twilight when we calmed down. “Why would you come to Ponyville disguised as a diamond dog instead of a pony? It doesn’t make sense!”

“I didn’t know how to turn into a pony by the time I arrived at Ponyville.”

“And why did you decide to come to Ponyville in the first place?”

“Because I wanted to meet the famous ponies who defeated Nightmare Moon and Discord. I was also planning on establishing myself there, it’s such a chaotic town... A shame I was attacked by Discord’s daughter.”

“Discord’s daughter?!”

“I think I should start from the beginning.”

And so I did. I told them an abridged version of my story, leaving out the details that could be problematic. Instead of saying that I was a human, I said that I had never had a physical body before to explain why I started without knowing how to do so many things. I also omitted the part where I was attacked by Pinkie’s parents, when I fought against Fillidelphia’s police department, and pretty much everything that was too violent or fucked up. When I was done they started asking questions.

“Are you saying that this... Screwball has been living in Ponyville since Discord’s release?” Shining Armor asked.

“Yes. As far as I know, she shares all of my powers, so she probably has interacted with some of you disguised as somepony else. Pretty much like a changeling.”

“What do you propose us to do?” asked Twilight.

“She must be dealt with as soon as possible. She becomes stronger by feeding on the chaos that happens around her, and who knows how long will it take her to become strong enough to release Discord. I think that using the Elements of Harmony against her is the best solution. She won’t appear before you by herself, so we should set an ambush with me as the bait. Her mission is killing me, so she’ll probably attack if I return to Ponyville.”

“We’ll discuss that in detail later,” Shining said. “I want to know more about this diamond dog warren. You mentioned something about them joining Equestria?”

“Yeah, I was surprised when I learned about it. They are willing to free their slaves in exchange for Equestrian protection.” Shining Armor and Cadance looked at each other for a few seconds.

“If I am not mistaken, diamond dogs and crystal ponies were allies a thousand years ago,” explained Cadance. “When Sombra took the power, he conquered Gem Fido and used them as his personal army. Their slaving methods are remnants of that time... Maybe we could make a new alliance if they abandon their evil practices.”

When we were done, Shining Armor told me to follow him to have a private conversation. The icy tone he used made me hesitant, but I decided to comply.

“You are Fillydelphia’s monster,” he stated when we were alone in a separate room.

“What?”

“Don’t play the fool, it won’t work on me. You said you went to Fillydelphia, and that you had to leave because you got in trouble. This happens the same day a creature depicted as a draconequus attacks the town, killing some and hurting many.”

“I had no choice. They tried to kill me first,” I began, and I told him the whole story. How my transformation was broken by a surprise, how I tried to escape, how the police ponies tortured me and said they would send me to Tartarus, which could either mean being sent there or being killed, and how my mind snapped and I lost control.

“The next thing I remember is having a dead pony in my arms and dozens of officers surrounding me. I didn’t know the instinctive part of my brain was strong enough to take full control of my body. I spent the next two months away from civilization, until I was sure that wouldn’t happen again.”

He took a deep breath before talking.

“You saved me from Sombra, and for that I am going to believe that you honestly acted in self-defense and you had no control over the situation. However, you are still a wanted criminal and a dangerous individual following your own hidden agenda, so I don’t want you near my sister and her friends until I can know for sure that I can trust you.”

“And how will you know that?” I asked, tired of the ‘I can’t trust you no matter what you say’ argument.

“I’ll ask Princess Celestia, that usually solves everything.”

“You could skip a step just by asking your little sister. That’s what Celestia does to solve everything nowadays. Nightmare Moon is going to return? Let Twilight handle it. A dragon is going to cover Equestria in smoke? Let Twilight handle it. Discord returns? Let Twil-” I stopped when I noticed the frown on his face. “-OK that was mean and untrue, I am sorry.”

Shining rubbed his temple with one hoof just below the horn. “Princess Celestia will use her magic to send you a letter when she makes a decision. I don’t want to know anything about you until them. Leave, please.”

“I hope you aren’t flushing me out of your life forever,” I said, and in a flash of light I was inside of a huge toilet, being flushed down. “Your wife is very funny, I would hate to neverglglglglgl.”

I surfaced in a river. I was expecting to appear near the Crystal Empire, but the place was covered in grass and trees, so I was neither in the city nor in the frozen lands that surrounded it. I flew out of the water, confused. This wasn’t what I expected. Where the fuck am I? As if on cue, Screwball appeared right in front of me. WAT.

“Welcome back to Ponyville, filthy clopper!” she exclaimed. “A little bird has told me that you revealed our existence to the element bearers! Tsk, tsk, that was a terrible idea.” She floated away when I tried to bite her head off. “Now I have no choice but to kill you right now and move to another town! You are such a bother.”

“But, what about the narrative flow?!” I asked. “You can’t just fight me right now, just after I talked to Shining Armor! I have to return by my own means to Ponyville, maybe gathering some power in the meanwhile, while the tension builds up until we finally meet again and fight.”

“Havoc, what are you doing?” Screwball asked, nervous. “Havoc, stahp, you are going to break the fourth wall and doom all of us!”

“Really?”

“Nope!” she said, then she gave my face a lick.

“When I beat you, I will make a male Rainbow Dash cum inside of you,” I replied, as I attacked her with an enormous dildo.

She blocked it with the infamous Lyra plushie with a special hole in her butt that you can stick your penis in. Said hole made a suction force that was strong enough to drag the dildo out of my hands, only for it to disappear in the dark abyss that was the sex hole. I snapped my fingers and a pair of pants appeared on the plushie, nullifying its power. Screwball’s crotchboobs grew exponentially until they were as big as her torso. The crazy pony landed, her huge tits making cracks on the ground, and she squeezed them in my general direction. A huge tsunami of warm pony milk flew towards me, and I was too confused to think of anything that could protect me from such a disgusting attack, so I teleported above it. As I feared, this gave Screwball part of my energy reserves.

“What’s wrong?” she asked, her tits back to normal size. “Aren’t you feeling creative today? Maybe you have writer’s block?”

I nose-dived towards her, trying to smash her with my dragonbone hammer, but she dodged it with ease. I screwed with physics so I could dive in the ground as if it was water. The underground was like water at night, so my field of vision was reduced to a pair of meters. I propelled myself towards Screwball, who was floating half a meter above the ground level. When I jumped out of the water just below her, I tried to sink my teeth in her tender pony flesh, but I collided against something big instead. I fell on the floor, which was solid to me again, and I saw a ten meters long sailboat in front of me. On the ship was Screwball, wearing a pink pirate costume. She started singing.

“Do what you want, ‘cause a pirate is free, YOU ARE A PIRATE!"

I could feel the chaos energy leaving my body with each word she said, so I interrupted her song by summoning a creature from the darkest pits of Hell, in the body of a dark-haired teenager.

“It's Friday, Friday! Gotta get down on Friday!" she began to sing, the awfulness of her song physically harming Screwball.

Rebecca Black stopped singing when Screwball summoned something much, much worse than her. Wait, I already used this androgynous abomination! How many times will I have to listen to that song?! Rebecca emitted a fangirl shriek and exploded in a fangasm, which covered the area in a watery fluid that I refuse to acknowledge for what it was. I decided I had heard that song enough times, so I decided to counter it before Justina managed to utter more than six words. An asiatic man dressed in a blue suit appeared where in front of me, facing the Beaver.

“Oppa Gangnam Style” he started to sing, as he circled the Queen of the Beavers while doing his dance. This continued for a few minutes, with the dark idol of tweens’ evil song losing power to the holy glory of Gangnam Style, until PSY drew a katana from nowhere and beheaded the enemy of all that is good.

As Justin Bieber’s head fell on the ground, and his body showered Psy with blood, I felt a flow of energy coming to me from Screwball. The most awesome Korean ever disappeared shortly after.

“That's one point for me, my little pony,” I gloated.

She growled and pulled a lightsaber from her mane, which she could somehow wield with her hooves. When she ignited it the blade was pink. I pulled a swordfish with my right hand and a stale baguette with my left hand from behind me.

“I have been waiting for you, Screwball,” I said. “We meet again at last. The circle is now complete. When I left you; I was but the learner; now I am the master.”

“Only a master of faggotry, Havoc.”

We clashed our weapons, my fish and bread able to withstand the lightsaber. She slashed at my legs, and when I blocked the attack with the bread she bucked me in the solar plexus. I retaliated by hitting her with a vertical attack of the swordfish, that made her hit the ground hard. I tried to stab her with the swordfish, but she had fallen face up and she managed to parry with the lightsaber. Then she pulled a crossbow from her mane and fired it against me. The bolt pierced my ent arm, but it was just a bark wound which I barely felt. I attacked with both arms, too fast for Screwball to leave the ground without being hit. At last the cartoon physics that allowed her hoof to hold the saber’s handle like a hand failed, and I could easily disarm her. I dropped the baguette, grabbed her by the throat and stabbed her with the swordfish just below the ribcage, the tip of the “sword” coming out of her body between her clavicle and her scapula.

“Now I am considering barbecuing you, I want to know how roasted pony tastes,” I said, like the psychopath I am.

She stared at me, her spiral-shaped pupils rotating at high speeds. I looked away, having learned my lesson about weird eyes after Fluttershy used ţ̴h̛͘a̢t͟͞ on me. I was expecting her to weaken due to blood loss, as there was a considerable pool of it around her, so I was surprised when I felt a strong grip on my hand. I looked back and found, to my horror, that Screwball was changing into something that was not a pony. Her hooves were slowly becoming claws, sharp teeth were growing on her mouth, as well as horns on her head and mismatched wings on her back. The swordfish exploded in a burst of popcorn, and she forced me to release her by breathing fire on me. I jumped back and spent a few seconds taking all her new features in.

She was some sort of violet draconequus. Her right leg and torso were still pony-shaped, but the rest of her body had changed. Her fore legs had become arms that were like Discord’s: an eagle/griffin/whatever left arm and a lion right arm. Her tail was a dark pink... Discord tail, with the hair on the end of it purple and white like her original tail. Her left leg was that of a purple dragon. She had two wings, a feathery one and a leathery one, and two horns, one with two separate groups of points, like a reindeer antler, and the other pointing forward like Fallout’s deathclaw horns, giving her a demonic appearance. Her face had also changed, with her teeth no longer fitting for an herbivore, her ears pointier and the color of her head and neck coat paler than the rest. She had also grown from having the standard size of mares to being between Luna and Celestia.

“Let me guess: that isn’t even your final form?” I asked.

“What do you think I am, a Final Fantasy villain? Of course this is my final form!”

“Seriously? You only have one transformation? And here I thought you would make a decent final boss,” I snorted with laughter. “Two forms...”

She snapped her eagle claw and an anvil fell on my face, sinking my head in the ground. My neck stretched like rubber as I pulled until I managed to free myself. When I looked back at Screwball’s position, she was aiming a huge machine gun at me. I disguised myself as Han Solo, and the plot armor made all of her bullets miss me. When she ran out of ammo, I turned my back to her, changed from bipedal position to being on all fours, and farted a huge rainbow beam similar to the one caused by the Elements of Harmony. I turned to see how effective the attack had been, only to find that Screwball was unhurt, covering behind a crystal pyramid that had somehow blocked my attack.

“Let’s end this,” she said, and she started to pour energy into a spell.

I guessed she was going to summon another non-chaotic creature to help her fight, so I decided to do it, too. I spent most of my energy reserves on summoning Grand Prince Sephirothas Griffingarion Serenity Truenis Raven Crimsonwing Darkshadow Daisuke Emerentius the Second, but the chaos feedback for summoning such a stupid creature allowed me to recover a good deal of the energy spent.

“Fear not, Equestria!” he exclaimed with his deep, booming, sensual, annoying voice, “for I, Grand Prince Sephirothas Griffingarion Serenity Truenis Raven Crimsonwing Darkshadow Daisuke Emerentius the Second, Black Hole for mortals, Celestia and Luna’s long lost half-brother, have returned from dark space to slay this wretched creature!”

I was expecting to hear Muse playing on the background, as always happened when Black Hole was around, but this time another song could be heard. Screwball had summoned the weirdest griffin I had ever seen. He had brown hair and white feathers like most griffins, with some red feathers around his blue eyes. One of his wings had been replaced with some sort of steampunk robotic wing, and he was carrying a huge sword that, I soon realized, had been made with a single scale of a black dragon. He also wore a polychromatic armor made with the scales of many different dragons.

“Who the fuck is that?” I asked.

“My name is Griffon the griffon,” he said, putting a pair of sunglasses on. “I am captain of a pirate flying laser ship, king of a nation founded by myself, magic-user, Equestrian lord, slayer of dragons, queen of the Andals and the Rhoynar and the First Men, Lord of the Seven Kingdoms, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea and mother of dragons.”

“Yo, Black Hole, that guy is almost as Mary Sueish as you,” I said.

“My wings are still prettier,” the alicorn replied.

“WRYYYYYYYYYYYYY” shouted Griffon, as he charged at us.

Author's Notes:

I want to thank Blackwing for letting me do such a blatant parody of his character, Griffin the griffin.

Update (10-November-2013): OMG, I found there was a missing paragraph! It was still on the google doc so I pasted it on its proper place, but I am surprised no one mentioned it.