((AN: The main character uses past tense to tell the story, but sometimes he uses present to comment the events he describes or say something about his current state. Text in italic represents what he thought right there and then, not what he thinks while narrating.))

I͟ ͠h̸o͞pé ͠t̨h̷i͡s̡ i̸s͠ w̶or̛ki̛ņg. ̵W̡e̡ll,̛ ̡it̨’s͝ ͝n͞o͡t ̛li̸ke I҉ w͢il͜l͝ ͟ever k̢no̢w̵ un͡ļe͠ss ͝I brįn̸g ̨a̶ c͢o͟m̴p͡ųt́e͝r ́he͠r͝e.͘ I̢f yǫù a͜re ͢read̡ing̀ ̶th͝i͝s,̕ ̶yo̷u͡ are pr͘òb̷a͢b͞l͟y̸ ̡a̴ńot̸he̷r̕ b̕r͟o̕n͞y͟ ̕b͢rowsi͢n̨g̵ fi͢mfict͢io҉n͞ o̷r̵ ȩv͞en ̶E̕q̀ue̶st͠ri̸a ̀Da̸i͏l҉y, ͟ḿa̡y҉bè ͏aǹ ͜a̶ut̛h͠o͝r͢ ̀having ̷a͢ bu̴rs̸t҉ o̕f͟ ̷insp͜i͜r̶ąt̵i̸on̷, ̨I̡ ͞ha͠v҉e ̀ǹo ͡ide̶a. Ỳou ͘m҉u͏st ̨kn͝o͝w th͘a̴t ͘I ͞am̕ re͏aļ ҉and͘ ̴t͞h̶ìs ͟i͠s̶ n͠ǫt a͜no͏t̵he̸r st̵u̢pid sto̷r̢y. Wel͞l,̨ y͘o͝u͟ are̸n̨’t̨ ͝goi͢n͠g͝ ̢t͡o b́èli̸eve ͏m̢e, ͝so҉ ͏w̧hy ͝bother̢? ͝I̷ ̸wi̛l҉l̴ j͠ust̷ tell̴ ̕my st̡òry a̢nd ͢ho̶pe ͘i̛t͞ ̸do̧es ąny͜ go͏ơḑ. H͝m.͘.̶.̵ ̀I̢ think̡͘ I'm ̵dǫi̵n̸g ̷it wr̕o̴n͝g.

Yeah, this is more like it.

My memories of my human life have been slowly fading over time. I have forgotten my name, my family, my age, and even how I looked like. What I remember is that I was a brony reading fanfiction on google docs when that little chat on the top right corner started blinking. Curious, I opened it and found that another anon was reading the same story and was asking me about my opinions. We started a conversation which eventually made us forget about the story, and we learned a lot about each other. After a few weeks we started talking to each other on Skype about ponies. This anon was a thirty-something years old woman named Shay Nimrod, which struck me as odd (the age, the name would come later), but I wasn’t one to judge, being a twenty-something fan of My Little Pony myself. She also lived in the same town I did, something I thought was a really lucky coincidence.
One fateful day, she told me that a friend of hers had set up a brony meeting in our town, and she asked me to come, as I had told her that I didn’t know any other brony in person. I agreed to go to the meeting, a decision I would soon regret.

We met at the accorded place, and that’s when I started smelling something fishy. My fellow brony was still the same kind-of-attractive woman I had seen on the photos she shared with me, but her clothing was off. It was as if she had tried to make her clothes as mismatching as possible on purpose.
'OK, she’s a bit weird, that’s kind of expected when dealing with people from the Internet, right?'
I thought as she led me to a building. It was one of those big city buildings which have big and luxurious apartments hidden behind a bland outside. We reached a door and she knocked following an odd pattern. Weeeeird. A young man whose clothes clashed even more than Shay’s opened the door, and introduced himself as Codas Nines. Such a weird name made me think they were using aliases, but I gave it no importance. He guided us to a dark living room where at least ten other people were watching “Return to Harmony” on TV. Codas whispered to me that we would make the introductions after the episode ended.
We watched both episodes without pause. I felt rather awkward, sitting between two men I didn’t know and watching ponies. What if they start clopping or something? I think this wasn’t such a good idea. Near the end of the second episode, one of them asked me in a whisper: “Would you like to go to Equestria?”

“Yeah, why not?” I said, and suddenly I felt a sharp pain between my neck and my shoulder. I tried to get up but my muscles didn't obey my command. I was unconscious before my head hit the floor.

I woke up handcuffed to some kind of altar, surrounded by the other bronies in a strange room. They had apparently splashed all the sorts of paint they could find against the walls. The mix of colors increased the headache I already felt throbbing, sending waves of pain into my head. I had never been so scared before, and I tried to break free with no success.

Ohshitohshitohshitohshit this looks just like a satanic sacrifice ritual. I don’t want to die!!!

“What’s going on?!” I cried, struggling so hard against the handcuffs that I started bleeding.

Then I realized that they were chanting. It wasn’t a chorus in a dead language, or archaic English. In fact, each one sang with his own rhythm and lyrics. It was English, I think, but resembled more what you would hear if you took an old text to speech program, recorded what it said on a scratched CD, and then played it on the radio, only to be heard by someone with interferences. That is why I didn’t understand a single word of what they said. Shay came to me, wielding one of those daggers with a wavy blade, a kris dagger.

“Wait! Please I haven’t done anything, don’t kill me!!!” I screamed in desperation.

“M̵̡̛̻̬͓͔͔̫̼͍̙̻̫̹̭̫̯̿ͦͭ̊͂ͭͨ͛a͇̰̱̙̞̥̯̦̥͉̱̞̒ͤͯ̋̽͋̉ͪ̍̆̑̐̓̚͢͜k̸ͧ̓ͥͪ͆̇ͧͩ͑͑ͥ͆͏̭̳͓̗̘̜̠̳̩̜ͅe̪̲̞͐ͮ͑ͫ̎̊̿ͪ̀͐̐ͥ͊̐͌ͧ̋ͥ̕͢͝͠ ̛̀̌ͨͨ͐̄̇ͧͩ̈̚͏̢̨̠̠̭̘͖͔̘̠͉̼͎̘͝u̶͔̙̼̙͈̯͖͔̰̫̠̦̤͔͓̼̭̽͐͛̓̏̊̍̂̎̿ͬ̎̔͒̏̒̓̄́͘s͕̙͕̦̦̗͇̤̬̮̞͍͇̗̩ͣ̊̽̋̕͝͠ ̵̨̧̧̗̺̫̯͍͉͖̻̖̲͔̫͉̺̖̜̃ͪ̔̎ͨ̈̓̑ͩ̃̓ͧ̒͂̂͌̋̚͟w̿̏̄̋̐҉̣͙͎̮̩̳̩̕͟h̨̨̢̥̯̖̯̦̜ͫ̍͂ͪ̉ͭ̉͑͒ͦ͋̏͂͂̔͑̕̕o̢̾̈́̋͌͛̔͛͑͞͏͕̗̬͉͕̯̝̲̭̼ḷ̴̷͙̦̹ͬ͛̔̈́̉̃ͤ̏ͦͨ́͗̈́́e̛̱̪͍̤͙̫̼̮͚̣̙͚͎ͨ̎̍̽̈ͦ̔ͤ̍͋́ͣ̋̓̎͠ ̊͊̾ͦͫ͝͏͘҉̡͉̮̳̠̦͓̪̪͙̠͕̼̙̳̣̞a͙̮̫̬̯̫̰ͧͥͩ͛̐̇̍͐͛̚͢͡ģ̬̥̩̙̙̜̖̩͙̖̣ͣ̌ͩ̍̚͝a̷̷̙̣̠̥̰̱̳̻̹̣̬͛͗ͧ͆ͦ̃͆̒̄ͣ͂͒̈ͧ̊ͦî̈́̽̿ͧ̉̔ͦ̇̏ͫ̍̓̇̔́͏̶͙͙̠͕̞̖͇̦̪͔͞͡ͅn̴̵͙̤̤̠̞̹̪̜̩̮̫̖̓̔͋͛̄͌̌͒ͬ̀͡!̛̥̭̣̼̘͎̠͙̼̝͉͎͌̆ͪ̓̇ͯ̃ͥ̀̀̈͗ͅ” she screamed as she stabbed me with both hands. Her voice sounded wrong, like it didn't belong to her, like my ears weren't meant to listen to such sound, and it somehow made me feel as much pain as the dagger that pierced my body.

For those who have never experienced it: being stabbed in the heart hurts, and so does dying. I felt like being swallowed by a whirlpool of boiling water with floating rocks as my vision was clouded by darkness. I don’t know how much it lasted, like that time I rode a rollercoaster when I was a child and kept my eyes closed the entire time. I felt almost grateful when I was engulfed in darkness and lost my consciousness.

I woke up again, feeling nothing at first, not even my own heartbeats. A few seconds later my entire body started waking up. First my head, allowing me to open my eyelids and realize I was lying down on my stomach, then my neck and torso. After that my arms, legs, wings and tail. Wait, wings and tail? Of course, when I started feeling my own wings and tail I freaked out and turned my head to the left to have visual confirmation. That was a mistake, as my neck seemed to have grown ten times longer, so it made me drag my head across the dirt in a painful manner, but it allowed me to see my body. The first thing I saw was fur, lots of dark brown fur covering a strong torso. Then wings, a leathery brown wing and a feathered one. The leg I could see from my current position was a huge frog leg. A tail that was like the body of a rattlesnake, rattle included, was attached to the body. I was too shocked to think clearly, and when I tried to cover my eyes with my arm (hoping it was all a bad dream and I could close my eyes until I woke up) something like a tree branch hit me in the face. It was my left arm, which was some kind of wood-like appendage, which even had leaves and long thin branches that moved like fingers. To cap it all, everything was cartoonish, with a freaking OUTLINE.

Loading Brain\reason\understanding.exe
Executing...
...
...
A problem has been detected and your mind has been shutdown to prevent damage to your brain.

For a full minute I stood completely immobile, trying to understand what had happened to me. I remembered the false bronies, the weird ritual and the unbearable pain.

“Please don’t tell me I am in Equestria,” I muttered, then I did a double take as my voice had changed, too.

“Yo dawgs I herd you like cars so we put a car in yo car so you can drive while u drive,” I sounded like Sheogorath! This needs further testing. “I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched c-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain. Time to FIND WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON,” I had even lost my accent! Now I have this ridiculously exaggerated mix of Scottish and Irish accent.

I managed to control my body and sit, confirming that the odd mix of body parts belonged to me. I took a good look at my body. I had the torso of a bear, or something similar, with a lot of brown fur. My left arm was... How to call it? Tree arm? Spriggan arm? Silvary arm? Ent arm? That will work. My right arm, I discovered, was that of a diamond dog. I didn’t know at first that it was indeed that of a diamond dog, as I just saw a strong and long arm that made me think about furries. My left leg still was a frog leg, while my right one was a cheetah leg. I wondered how I was supposed to walk with such mismatching extremities, or if I could even stand in a bipedal position. My rattlesnake tail was behind me, and I had to laugh when I managed to rattle it. Coming out from my back were my two wings, the right one looked like a brown dragon’s wing, while the left one was an owl’s.
The only thing left was my face. I had subconsciously refused to acknowledge the grayish muzzle I could glimpse when I looked down, but now I had to do it for my own sake. Moving my mismatched arms with care I felt my face. I noticed that my ent arm didn’t have sense of touch, so I used just my right arm. I noticed that I had horns, the left one was a bull’s horn, while the right one was something large and odd. After a few seconds I came to the conclusion that it was a moose’s horn. I touched my face, and it felt weird. I had a long muzzle, like a horse or a goat, but I had long and sharp teeth. What the fuck has happened to me?
I also found that I had no genitalia, but I still had anus (don’t ask how I found out). I guessed it was more like a bird’s cloaca, which serves to pee and poo at the same time or something like that. Bleugh.

At this point, I was convinced I was either dreaming or dead. The options I had in mind were that I was:

- Dead. Is this some sort of afterlife?
- Sleeping/unconscious on the altar and about to be sacrificed to some deity.
- Sleeping while the other bronies watch MLP.
- Suffering a coma in a hospital, like that guy in that HiE fanfic I read a long time ago.
- Tripping balls.
- Alive in Equestria as some sort of chimaera creature.

I decided to leave those musings for later and focus on the more immediate problems: learning what I could do with my new body and where I was. First I tried to stand on two legs, it didn’t work. I kept on losing balance, so bipedal position was discarded for the moment. Then I tried magic, but I had no idea how to do it, so I just wasted three minutes thinking very hard about rising a stone. Flying wasn’t viable, either, as my mismatched wings were unable to keep me floating, but I could propel myself a few meters upwards. Walking on my four extremities was an awkward activity, with running fast being totally out of my possibilities. More testing let me know the strength of each of my body parts. All of them were pretty logical, so I won’t lose time describing them. I'll make an exception for the ent arm, which is the oddest part of my body, as it's very strong but fast movements are impossible. It felt really weird, having a part of your body that reacted to your mental orders slower than the others. My senses were pretty much the same I had as a human, or maybe keener.

“Ugh, this body is not noobproof,” I told myself.

I decided that I could try to do magic later, as I had yet to take a good look at my surroundings. I was in some sort of plowed field, with no vegetable life to be seen and some big rocks around. I could see the sun rising on what I assumed was East, as well as a forest in the distance and a few buildings (a house and a silo, to be precise) next to it. There was nothing around that could give me sense of scale, so I didn’t know yet how big I was. I decided to go towards the small house and silo to solve that enigma.
I hadn’t taken more than ten steps towards it when I heard something behind me. I turned back and I saw a gray pony with a mane that screamed "emo" to me peeking from behind one of the rocks. I thought two things at the same time: ‘I really am in Equestria!’ and ‘is that one of Pinkie Pie’s sisters?’

“Uh...” I said in a display of my great social skills and capacity of improvisation, “good morning?”

She suddenly jumped towards me, wielding a freaking pitchfork!

“Begone, foul beast!” she shouted.

I would like to tell you how I outwitted her, or how I made her my friend, or how I defeated her without harming her. However, that was not what really happened.

“Careful there! That thing looks sharp!” I exclaimed, stepping backwards while she advanced towards me. Shit, she means business!

I heard hoofsteps behind me. When I turned back I found three more ponies, which were Pinkie’s unmistakable parents and other sister, wearing more pitchforks and torches.

“Don’t let it escape, Inkie!” shouted the father. SHIT! They really mean business! I have to get out of here!

I propelled myself as high as I could and I glided above Inkie, landing on all fours a few meters behind her like a fat and clumsy cat. Then I ran so slow it was pathetic. They were quickly crossing the distance and soon they would surround me again. I felt a sharp pain in my back, and I saw a pitchfork stuck to my body. Fortunately it was only a flesh wound.

“THAT HURT, FUCKING PONY!” I shouted as I pulled it out and threw it back to them. Great, I just gave them back a weapon so they can throw it again.

Why do I have this stupid, useless body? If I were a cheetah I could escape with no problem. I felt a surge of heat and a strange feeling coming from my right leg as I thought how badly I wanted to be a cheetah. Suddenly I WAS a cheetah, running faster than any other non-flying creature. I sprinted towards the nearest trees, hoping to lose them in the woods.
When I was sure they couldn’t see me thanks to the trees I wished I were a rattlesnake, hoping it would work. It did, so I stopped being a cheetah, and I became a rattlesnake. I could somehow move my new body with total ease, as if I had been born a snake, so I hid in a small hole below a rock. I heard the ponies running past my location, trying to find me. Ten minutes later I heard them again, this time walking back. Being a snake was interesting, what with the ability to taste/see with your tongue and all, but I decided to leave when I was the only one around.

I have been here for less than an hour and I have already been chased off by four ponies that weren't even half my size, I hate the universe. I pushed back such an embarrassing idea and I thought about being a draconequus again, which made me return to the original form. I found that the wound was still there, but I had not noticed it in my other two forms. So, can I transform into anything or what? My right leg turned me into a very small green frog. My torso turned me into a grizzly bear and my left wing into a white owl. I noticed I couldn’t talk when I asked “Who?” and tried to answer “your mum” to myself. Then my right wing turned me into a brown teen dragon, with wings and horns and all of that, which disappointed me because I hoped to become a huge fire breathing adult beast the size of a skyscraper. My horns turned me into a black moose and a dark blue bull, which was another disappointment as I was hoping to become a minotaur.

I decided to leave the tree arm for the last, so my right arm turned me into a diamond dog. I had been walking into the forest as I kept on morphing, so I almost fell into a timely placed river. I saw my own reflection, and I looked pretty much like a mix of gorilla and dog, with a blue tongue and gray fur. I turned back into my main form, and I felt the pain from the wound that had disappeared in all the others form come back. I confirmed what I already suspected: my face was very similar to Discord’s, the main differences were that I lacked his snaggletooth, my goatee and eyebrows were black and my eyes, for what I could see, were like a chimpanzee’s eyes, with a black sclera and amber irises, which looked orange under the sunlight. I added the chimpanzee to the potential list of animals I could become.

I finally became an ent. I was pretty much like those from “the Lord of the Rings”, but smaller. During all the transformations I had experienced great differences in my senses, like the keen sight of the owl, the snake’s taste, and the diamond dog’s smell and hearing. These new levels of perception were impossible to understand with a human mind, but somehow every time I became another creature I felt like I had always been that animal, so I wasn’t clumsy like in the draconequus form. The tree form was the most different, as I could “feel” and understand the chemical language the plants used to communicate with each other in a very primitive level.

I found a way to determine my stature while thinking about trees. I became a bull, as I knew how big they were, then I used my horns to scrap a tree, then I became a draconequus again and stood on two legs next to the marking. I was 2 meters tall or maybe less when standing, with a total length of 3 meters from nose to tail. I finally tried to do the same transformation spell with my head as the objective, but nothing happened. My eyes didn’t make me change, either.

Suddenly, I felt terribly exhausted and breathless. I didn’t know why, but I guessed that all those transformations had taken a toll. I felt worse by the seconds,until I was lying down and fighting against suffocation. What’s happening to me? I was just fine a few seconds ago! Am I dying? Why? A cold numbness took over my body and I knew no more.