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The Harem Noses

by Irrespective

Chapter 5: 5. The Breaking Dawn

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5. The Breaking Dawn

* * * *

Baked Bean awoke the next morning with the increasingly familiar feeling of being eaten. He drew in a long breath as Luna gently nommed his left ear, and to his increasingly not-surprise, he was once again the small spoon in her impromptu evening cuddle session.

But as he slowly let out the breath, he found that his nerves were not as frazzled—and his brain not as scrambled—as he would have expected. Had he really grown comfortable with being Princess Luna’s personal teddy bear after so short a time?

The idea was a bit peculiar to him. To be fair, there was some hind part of his brain that was trying to enjoy what was happening—the part that was in his hind quarters, apparently—but the rest of his head was telling him that there were other explanations for her midnight naps with him.

He couldn’t even begin to fathom what those reasons might be, but there had to be a reason all the same.

Then again, his previous thought was inaccurate, and he could think of a reason. If he was being honest with himself, he supposed that he really was just some sort of comfort item to her, nothing more. She was a thousand years removed from anything and anypony that she had once known, and the only thing in this new world that she could truly identify with was her sister. To her, he was nothing more than a thing to hold while she tried to make sense of this alien place and the incomprehensible advancements that had happened during her absence.

The thought was a bit depressing, and he couldn’t even imagine what it would be like to be in her place. He began to run a hoof up and down the nearest foreleg, and his mind swirled with ideas as he tried to empathize with her.

After a moment, Luna let out a low, rumbling, and contented hum, released his ear, and smacked her lips. There was a small ‘eep!’ when she felt his tender touch, and with a loud pop, she disappeared once again.

“That was weird. Why did she leave?” he asked himself. “Does she think I don’t know about her visits?”

It was the only thing that made sense, so he decided to accept it as the truth for now and to not startle her again. Should she deign to visit once more, he would remain still and allow her to enjoy the comfort of his presence.

A quick glance out the window told him that sunrise would be soon, but perhaps not for another hour or so. The stars could still clearly be seen, and the moon was still high in the sky, but firmly in the west. There was time for him to get more writing done, if he could drag himself out of the elegant silk bliss that was his bed, or he could simply surrender and go back to sleep.

After a bit of debate, he settled on writing, and with some effort, he crawled his way out of bed. He could get some breakfast after sunrise, and maybe he could ask about visiting the royal archives, or where the nearest public library was, at the least.

That, and he still felt like he needed to find some sort of employment. Though the princesses had said he could stay at the palace, there was a limit on how long their hospitality would last, and it didn't seem right to freeload off of their kindness.

Maybe there’s something I could do here at the palace. A janitor, or a weed-puller in the gardens, or something. Bean plunked himself down at the desk and opened his notebook. A worry for later today, I suppose. Let’s see if I can’t fix this introduction of mine.


Baked Bean gasped when an authoritative knock came at his door, and he drew in several deep breaths as he moved to answer. What time was it? He’d gotten lost in one of the deeper plot holes in his story, so it was probably for the best that he be pulled away before it swallowed him up completely.

“Hello?” he said as he opened the door, expecting to find a guard or a staffer.

He really needed to quit assuming that it would be someone so humble and far less royal.

“Good morning, Mister Bean!” Princess Celestia greeted him with a smile that was as bright as her sun. “How are you this morning?”

Baked Bean couldn’t answer for a moment. He was trying to remember how to breathe, and how to keep his legs from turning into jelly. “Um… I was… that is, I slept in Luna… late!” he hastily corrected, his eyes widening in horror. “Late! I slept in late! I was so comfortable that I just couldn’t get out of bed.”

He regretted the lie as soon as it came out, but he feared more what would happen if the Princess of All Equestria found about about his bunkmate.

Celestia gave him a slightly critical look, her smile fading. “Really? How unfortunate. It seems that Luna had a restless evening as well. I do hope there isn’t something amiss.”

Horseapples!

“R-really?” he stammered. “I thought she slept pretty soundly. I mean!” he blurted, his heart jumping into his throat as he realized what he was implying. “She is the Princess of the Night, after all, so she should sleep the best out of anypony, right?” he concluded with a nervous chuckle.

“A reasonable assumption, but I’m afraid that is not the case. Luna was quite troubled by something, but she did not wish to share with me. She made some excuse or another, but even after a thousand years apart, I still can tell when my sister isn’t being completely forthright with me.”

“Do you have any idea what could have caused her problems?”

“I have a fairly educated guess, yes. I will need to keep an eye on her. She may do something rather unpleasant to the lout who has caused her this distress.”

Bean felt his knees begin to buckle. “Oh, raspberries…”

“Are you all right?” Celestia gave him a concerned look. “You are looking rather pale.”

“I, um… I admit I’m not feeling all that great all of a sudden,” he mumbled, while trying not to think of all of the horrific things that Luna—or even worse, Nightmare Moon—might do to him. Like gobbling up his backside, or tying him down to his bed and making good on her previous heir-raising demands.

“Would some breakfast help?” Celestia said thoughtfully, and then she perked up. “I could make my funny face pancakes for you, if you’d like.”

Bean hesitated for a moment. His stomach was quite interested in the idea of breakfast; the deep rumbling of anticipation was almost painful in a way. If he did go with the Princess, he might be able to get more information on what was going on with his unintentional bed warmer, and more specifically, what he could do to keep his backside from being gobbled.

But the most compelling reason was standing right in front of him. One simply did not say ‘no’ to Princess Celestia under any circumstance.

Besides, her pancakes were quite tasty, and he didn’t have to make them.

“That is very kind of you to offer, Your Highness. If it’s not too much trouble, I would enjoy having your pancakes again.”

Princess Celestia’s smile stretched from ear to ear, and her nose twitched slightly. “Wonderful! I was afraid that I would have to dine alone this morning. Just this way, Mister Bean. It will only take me a moment to prepare everything.”

* * * *

“Thank you again, Princess.” Baked Bean paused to suppress a pleased burp, and he patted his slightly swollen stomach. “If you keep feeding me with such delicious food, pretty soon you’ll have to roll me back to my room.”

Princess Celestia let out a light laugh, one that was surprisingly warm and relaxed. Oddly, it didn’t sound anything like her previous laughter. It seemed more like it was her natural, normal laugh; the one that she had to hide for fear of it being too loud, or too harsh, or too energetic.

“I certainly hope that doesn’t happen,” she said with a peaceful grin. “So, what are your plans for the rest of the day?”

“Probably just more writing, I guess. Actually, I was going to ask if it was possible for me to access the royal archives. For research and such,” he added.

“The archives, for the most part, are open to all. I will ask Miss Inkwell to procure a library card for you.” Celestia hesitated, as if a thought had just come to her. “If you don’t mind my asking, what sort of a story are you hoping to write?”

“I’m still working on that, actually. I think I’d like to try writing a fantasy story, maybe.”

“Really?”

Baked Bean, under normal circumstances, was extremely reluctant to talk about his desire to write. His own parents were less than supportive of his desires, to put it mildly, and that fed into a fear that his friends would find his ideas to be rather simple, plain, and boring.

But on a deeper level that he was loath to admit to, even to himself, he was scared that he was not meant to be a writer. If so, that would mean that the one thing that motivated him—the one thing that kept him going when the going got tough and everything in the restaurant imploded on him—was nothing more than a thin dream that would deflate as easily as his souffles.

But as he looked into Celestia’s eyes and took in her earnest, eager expression, he found all of his previous inhibitions melting away like the frost before the sun.

She wasn’t asking him just to be polite, or to make conversation. She honestly and truly wanted to know.

“Well, it’s kinda dumb, really.” Bean found the words spilling out without any effort—or any fear. “My idea was to write about a unicorn who finds himself transported to a strange new world after falling into some kind of interdimensional portal. He’d try to find his way home, of course, but most of the story would be about him helping out the creatures he encounters.”

“Interesting premise,” the Princess said thoughtfully. “What do these creatures look like?”

“I’m still working on that. I want to have something that’s somewhat familiar but still unlike anything ponies have ever seen.” His courage and creativity were gaining steam now, and Celestia’s nods helped to get his train of thought rolling even faster than normal. “I’m thinking of something that stands upright, with claws like a dragon on its unused forelegs. They would have big eyes, small noses, and small ears, so at a glance, you really wouldn’t think of them as a threat. But there would be two groups of them: a bad bunch that are mean and grouchy, and a smaller nice group that are being bullied and persecuted by the others. The unicorn finds out that this world doesn’t have magic, so he uses his to help the nice creatures, but he has to be careful and avoid being caught.”

“How did this unicorn find the portal?” Celestia asked. “Is it just free-floating, or is it tied to something, like a doorway or…” she hesitated with a faint, pained twitch. “Or a mirror, perhaps?”

“A mirror?” Bean rubbed his chin. “I hadn’t thought of that. I guess it could be. Maybe one he finds in the castle of a nearby noble or something."

“A detail to worry about another time, I suppose,” Celestia said, her tone suggesting that she would rather move on from the subject, thank you very much.

Bean caught the implied hint and wisely acted on it. “Yeah. Anyway, I was also thinking that he could travel between worlds as needed, so I could have some scenes with him here in Equestria, trying to convince other ponies that he’s telling the truth and they think he’s gone crazy. But I want all of this to have some reality behind it, so I was hoping to look into how ponies lived back in the Pre-Unification Era.”

“I see.” Celestia now gave him a sly smile. “I imagine it would be useful if you could speak to a pony who was alive at the time.”

“Boy, that be nice,” Bean said with a lingering sigh. “I’d love to hear what it was like. How they dressed, what they did for entertainment, how the laws were set up between the peasants and the nobility. Can you imagine what it would be like to hear the tale of their lives? I’d give my left rear leg just to have ten minutes with them.”

“Fortunately, I believe there is a way for you to get your answers and to keep all of your extremities.”

“Really?” Bean couldn’t keep the surprised excitement out of his voice, even if he’d wanted to. “Do you know some sort of spell that allows ponies to speak to someone in the past? Or do you know how to time travel? It seems like you should avoid…” he trailed off as the obvious hit him in the head like a brick thrown by the world’s strongest hoofball pitcher, and his cheeks suddenly began to burn intensely. “Or I could just ask you,” he finished in a meek, chagrined voice.

And at that moment, Baked Bean witnessed something that he never thought could be possible.

Princess Celestia laughed.

This was not the dainty chuckle that he had heard before, nor was it a polite titter that was gone as soon as it had came.

No, this had to be the most unroyal laugh he had ever heard—not that he’d heard that many, of course. Or any, really. Celestia’s laugh was high pitched, fast, and piercing, almost like she was whinnying in a way, and she was having trouble catching her breath to let out more peals of mirth. She sounded something like a squeaky toy that was being run over by a hundred stampeding ponies, and there was a very good chance she’d let out a few snorts in short order.

Bean could only imagine how many noble ponies would faint in shock if they could see their princess acting in such an uncouth manner, and yet…

He had to admit her laugh was kinda cute, in its own way. It was genuine, heartfelt, and unrestrained.

It was a laugh he could get used to.

“Oh!” Princess Celestia finally got herself under control with a pleased sigh. “Forgive me, Mister Bean. I was not laughing at you. I find it extremely amusing that you had forgotten my age.”

“You do?”

Celestia nodded and dabbed at the tears in the corners of her eyes. “Yes. Most ponies tend to treat my longevity like an extremely valuable and priceless vase that must be handed with the utmost care. It’s rather refreshing to have a pony who sees me as a contemporary.”

“So, you’re not upset?” Bean already knew the answer, but he asked the question anyway.

“Not at all. In fact, I hope you frequently forget my age while you are here.”

Bean scoffed. “I don’t think that’ll be a problem.”

Celestia moved towards the door, but stopped and faced him before exiting the room. “Would you care for a tour of the palace, Mister Bean? There are a few artifacts that I can show you that might help with your story.”

Bean leaned back slightly in shock. “R-really?” he squeaked. “Don’t you have more important things to do?”

Celestia waved a dismissive hoof. “Importance tends to be a rather subjective thing, in my experience. Whatever meetings I had for today can wait, especially given how much resistance I’ve gotten over Luna’s return. A brief respite from their bickering would do me some good, too.”

“What about Princess Luna?” Bean asked with some concern.

“She mentioned that she wished to take a day off, as it were. I admit I may have been a bit overzealous in my efforts to reestablish her titles, office, and positions. I told her to contact me if she needed anything, but I believe she was going to take a brief tour of Canterlot and do some studying on her own. You know, you and she are not all that different in that regard,” she added thoughtfully.

Bean’s rear legs began to wobble again. “Oh, I don’t think we are, really. I mean, I don’t want to call you a liar,” he said with a note of alarm over what he had implied, “but there’s really not that much that’s similar about a Princess and some common idiot who was in the wrong place at the wrong time.”

“You’d be surprised,” Celestia countered with a bob of her eyebrows. “But we can discuss that another time. I think we should start with the mid-Chansenhauer exhibits first, if you did want to take that tour.”

Baked Bean quickly realized the once in a millennium offer that was being dangled in front of him like a succulent carrot on a golden stick, and his nervousness gave way to his curiosity in a heartbeat. “Sure! Who wouldn’t want a personal tour from Princess Celestia? I just need to grab my notebook and pencil first, please.”

Princess Celestia nodded and grinned. “Right this way.”

* * * *

Baked Bean was the most delightful guest that Celestia had entertained in many, many years.

True, he was a nervous bundle of trepidation that was quick to offer profuse apologies at the slightest hint of offense, real or imagined. That was not surprising; most ponies tended to act that way around her, much to her chagrin.

But as he grew more comfortable with her presence—or, hopefully, as he accepted that she was just a pony, like him—his natural curiosity began to show, and slowly he began to ask more questions. Each artifact, no matter the size, age, or shape, was met with surprisingly thoughtful study and inquiry.

The teacher part of Celestia was pleasantly surprised with this and secretly urged him to continue. In his own humble way, he held the same desire to learn that a certain faithful student had shown in her younger years, and with some nudging, Baked Bean could possibly become a Twilight-level pupil.

But the pony part of Celestia appreciated that he was more interested in herself, and not the dusty old trinkets on display. Bean not only asked about the artifacts’ history, but also what Celestia personally remembered about it, and her feelings on, say, having to use the Cleaver of Evil in battle, or how difficult it must have been to resist the siren song of the Alicorn Amulet.

To the Eternal Bringer of Day, it was nice to meet a pony who was interested in her, not the mythos and legends.

And, in his own way, he was innocently cute. He tended to scrunch his nose up when he was deep in thought, and his sea green eyes were flecked with little sparkles, reminding her of calm ocean waves. Even his yellow coat color was pleasing to her eye, though he did lean to the stocky side of the scale. Doubtless, this was because of his profession, but with a little exercise and less sampling of his own cooking, he would trim up quite nicely.

But not too trim. He was far more attractive as he was than stallions who forced themselves through exercise routines and weights to get every single muscle to the exact shape as every other muscle-bound poser. The Royal Guard had very businesslike rear ends, while celebrities had their own artificial rump shapes.

Mister Bean just… was. Rounded enough to be shapely and not boney, yet muscular enough to show his attention to his health.

Celestia rubbed the end of her twitching nose, curious as to why her nostrils had decided to dance right then. Before she could put much thought into the matter, Baked Bean looked up from his notebook and nodded to the Staff of Serendipity before them.

“So why didn’t Star Swirl take this with him?” he asked around the pencil in his mouth. For all of his positive qualities, he did have one negative, and that was that he was chewing on the hapless writing instrument.

Well, nopony was perfect. She would just have to work with him on that nasty little habit. “I wish I knew, honestly. He may have offered some reason, but if he did, I don’t remember what it was.”

“Really? I thought you had a photographic memory.”

“Alas, no,” she said with a long, thoughtful sigh. “My memory is sharp, yes, but it does have its limits. I’m afraid I have forgotten much of what happened in the Pre-Unification Era. Occasionally, I can recall some fleeting bits when I am reminded of an event, but…” she paused for a moment as several unpleasant memories passed before her “there are some things that are best forgotten.”

Baked Bean wisely didn’t press the matter, though he looked like he wanted to. “Do you know what happened to Star Swirl and the Pillars?”

“I never did learn of their ultimate fate. I do wish the old codger would have told me what he was up to; I could have sent some ponies to help them, and it would have given me a place to start my search when they didn’t return. I’ve set dozens of the brightest archeologists and historians on their tail, but they always come back to me with no more information than before. I can only hope…”

Celestia trailed off when she caught sight of four pink hooves poking out from underneath one of the nearby tapestries. If her niece was going to stalk her, she really should just use an invisibility spell.

“Is everything okay?” Bean glanced around, but he did not seem to notice the sneaky princess in her hiding place.

“Yes. Please forgive me. It seems there is a small matter I need to tend to. Give me just a moment, if you would. If you like, you can move on to the Mid Chancenhauer exhibits just around the corner, and I will catch up to you.”

“Oh! Okay. I’d hate to be in the way. I’ll wait there for you.”

“Thank you.” Celestia nodded, but her eyes remained fixated on his tail—and those rather nice flanks—as he moved away.

“Enjoying the view, Aunt Celly?” Cadence teasingly called out.

“I could ask you the same thing, you little sneak.” Celestia gave the younger alicorn a playfully annoyed glance as she emerged. “What are you doing, anyway?”

“Research. Watching Baked Bean as he follows you around has been most interesting. There’s a spark there, just waiting to hit some kindling.”

“Yes, he is an eager student, isn’t he?” Celestia glanced over her shoulder in the direction where he’d left.

“I’m not talking about the history lessons.” Cadence waggled her eyebrows with a smarmy grin. “First Auntie Luna, and now you.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about, nor do I like what you are insinuating.” Celestia stuck her nose in the air. “Mister Bean is a curious pony, and I am satisfying that curiosity.”

“Right,” Cadence drawled, the end of her nose twitching. “His curiosity, or yours?”

The question hit the daytime diarch a little harder than she liked. “Don’t you have something better to do?”

“No,” Cadence replied with a manic grin. “Just pretend like I’m not here and keep doing what you’re doing. I’ll give Mister Bean some pointers later.”

“You leave him alone. He’s nervous enough already.”

“I make no promises.” Cadence slowly backed towards her previous cover. “I’m always watching, Auntie. Always…”

“That mare can be rather creepy at times,” Celestia muttered with an eyeroll before moving to catch up with her guest.

* * * *

“Thank you for showing me around the palace today, Princess.” Baked Bean glanced at the door to his guest room, down to his notebook, and then back up to his charming and gracious host. “It’s going to take me months to process everything you’ve told me.”

“It has been my pleasure,” Princess Celestia replied with a smile that filled Bean with sunlight and peace. “If you have any questions, I will be happy to answer them to the best of my ability. However, my duties call, and I’m sure you would like some dinner before retiring for the evening.”

“Yeah, I should probably get something to eat. I never sleep well on an empty stomach.”

“Do you remember the way to the dining hall?”

Bean tapped his nose. “No, but I can smell my way there. It’s a curse, really.”

“A rather wonderful curse, I would argue. Enjoy your evening, Mister Bean.”

“You as well, Princess. Thanks again.”

Celestia nodded, but oddly, her cheeks held just a hint of pink. She then strode away, leaving Bean to wonder what he’d said to bring out that reaction.

With a shrug, Bean quit before he began, and he moved into his room. He already had enough to think about, given the intense history lesson he’d enjoyed that day.

“You have returned.”

Bean let out a yelp and lept backwards into the door. “Princess Luna!” He tried to offer the proper deference, but his now sore rump scrambled what little thinking ability he had—probably because he’d just injured his brain, given where it seemed to be lately. Of course, it didn’t help that she was perched on his bed like a lion who was about to pounce on its next kill, her front hooves fidgeting in suppressed anticipation.

He settled on stammering out an apology and then retreating quickly as the best course of action. “Good evening! I’m sorry to disturb you. I didn’t realize you’d be in here. I can leave, if you want.”

“You have been with my sister for most of the day, have you not?” Her tone was as cold as midnight, and her eyes shone with a frozen fury that made the hair on Bean’s back stand on end.

“Um, yes? She wanted to show me the historical treasures in the palace.”

Princess Luna’s eyes narrowed. “I am sure that is not what her intentions were.”

“I’m sorry?”

“My sister is…” Luna forcibly bit off her words, and she snorted. “Verwar het. My sister is being a gracious host,” she finished through tightly clenched teeth. “Like always. Forgive me. Even after a thousand years, I still struggle to control my temper.” She stood, and Bean scampered out of the way before he was trampled by her exit. “Forgive my intrusion, Mister Bean, but I have my duties to attend to. Fair eventide.”

And with that, she strode away, leaving the bewildered Bean alone and wondering what was going on between them who brought night and day.

* * * *

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