The Harem Noses
Chapter 4: 4. Perchance to Dream
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“Baked! I need the three treat, now!”
“Right! I just need to…” Baked Bean threw some spices in the stockpot before him, dumped an unpeeled potato into the frying pan, and then turned up the flame on the stovetop as high as it would go. Black smoke immediately sprang from the pan, but he didn’t have time to deal with the disaster, since his sponge cake was soaking up beet juice behind him.
“Baked!” His father appeared in the kitchen, a disappointed scowl on his face. “C’mon! Why can’t you handle this one simple thing?”
“I’ve got it, I’ve got it!” Tears began to flow, but he fought through them to start dicing a carrot. “Let me just get the boomer set, and then I’ll have that three treat ready. Just take me a minute.”
“I don’t know why I bother,” his father huffed. “Honestly. This is beyond ridiculous now.”
“I’m trying,” Baked Bean whispered, his tears mixing with the carrots.
“I hope you’re not muttering again. You know how I feel about that.”
Baked Bean remained silent, and his father left after a moment. He sniffled, wiped his nose with the back of his fetlock, and attempted to blink away the anguish.
It didn’t work.
“Forgive my interruption, but would you like some assistance?”
“Please?” Baked Bean didn’t mean to beg, but at this point, he was desperate for any sort of help. He turned to his mysterious benefactor, but hesitated when his eyes met hers. She looked familiar for some reason, but he could not be certain. Everything seemed so blurred with the cascade of orders pouring in every time he took a breath. He should have been able to remember the light blue mare with a silver-grey mane and distinctive teal eyes, but she didn’t look like anypony who worked at the restaurant. Had he met this pony before?
Maybe she was a new employee? He didn’t have time to consider the possibilities. The smoke from his frying pan was beginning to fill the kitchen, and he gestured vaguely at the mare while rushing over to take care of the issue. “Finish chopping those carrots for me. Then I need you to add them to that stockpot over there.” He groaned, slammed a lid on the open flames, and then leaned in to hold the lid down.
“What are you trying to cook?”
“I have no idea,” he admitted, the flames pushing back with an angry roar. “I’ve twelve different orders going right now, and they’re all mixed up in my head. Maybe this is the five by five, with extra purple…”
“One moment. I wish to try something.” The new pegasus inhaled, as if steeling herself to try something strenuous, crazy, or quite possibly both. She closed her eyes, tilted her head up, and after a moment, she tapped the floor with a forehoof.
In an instant, the entire world changed. All of Baked Bean’s orders were lined up neatly on the warming rack, ready to be served, his cooking station was clean and organized, the floors were swept and mopped, and all of the night’s dishes had been washed and put away.
“How did you…?”
“Baked!” Bean’s father strode in, grabbed several of the ready plates, and smiled. “Good work! Nice to see everything’s been taken care of. Why don’t you head out for the night?”
“Head out? Don’t you need me to get something else prepped?”
“Nope. We’ve got this now. Go do something fun. You deserve it.”
Baked Bean couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He turned to the new employee and gave her a confused look. “What did you do?”
“Me? Why do you think I did something?” she innocently asked.
“My dad has never told me to take a night off. There’s something wrong with him.”
“I see. I must not have tapped into…” she began to mutter under her breath while pacing the kitchen and tapping her chin with a hoof. After a moment, she turned to him again. “But are you displeased with the results? Has my assistance been satisfactory?”
“Uh, I suppose so. I mean, having the kitchen look like this is like a dream come true.”
The blue mare offered a manic grin. “It is?! Huzzah! Come, Baked Bean! We should celebrate. Perhaps you can recommend a good—” Her words suddenly cut off as she opened the back door.
“What’s wrong?”
“It seems I have failed. This world is incomplete.” She motioned to the empty void on the opposite side of the door.
“No, that’s how it always is.” Baked Bean sighed. “Why should there be a world out there when I can’t leave this one?”
“You have never dreamed of anything beyond these walls?”
“There’s no point to it. Dreams are a waste of time; a fanciful illusion that can’t ever be real.”
The mare started to argue the point, but then she sighed and plopped her rear. “Believe me, I understand that all too well.”
“You do?”
She nodded and continued as he sat next to her. “Indeed. For years, I dreamed of bringing the joys of the night to my little ponies; of showing them the wonder and magic that exists in the stillness and the moonlight.”
A dark shadow seemed to pass over her features, and the mare turned away from him. “ But no!” she growled. “All they ever wanted was sunlight and my sister. They could never see my efforts and my designs, because the dark was unknown, untamed. I was untamed. My sister was, and is, a stalwart beacon of hope and tranquility. I am nothing more than a Nightmare. I had dreamed of friendship, a place among my kind. I see now that those were the childish wishes of someone who was blind.”
Baked Bean’s heart sank, and he regretted his words. “Hey, look. Not all dreams are useless. I just said that out of… of frustration, I suppose. Everypony has to have a dream of some sort, or else what motivates them to do anything at all? I mean, just look at what happened here. Maybe we just need to find a new dream, y’know?”
“A new dream?”
“Yeah. Something to strive for, something that motivates us to move forward. I went to the Castle of the Two Sisters with the hope that I could find something to write about, so that was my dream. I still want to try my hoof at writing, so that’s a dream, too. I’m sure you have one as well. We just need to find it.”
“I Your dreams are wholesome and fair.” The mare’s head dropped fractionally lower. “Mine are not.”
“But even in that statement, you admitted to having some.” He pointed out with a small grin.
The new pony thought this over for a moment. “Perhaps you are right. But for now, I believe it is for the best that you forget we had this conversation.”
“Why would I forget this?”
The mare smiled, and Bean felt a thrill of delight run up his spine. She then tapped the floor, and the world went dark.
* * ✶ * *
Baked Bean awoke with a snort, and he groaned as he blinked the rest of his slumber from his eyes. That dream had been pleasant, but to his annoyance, he found that he couldn’t quite remember what had happened. He had been back at his family’s restaurant, but there was also a vague something about dreams and writing.
He wished he could remember, since the residual feelings in his chest were warm and comforting.
With a grunt, Bean rolled over, yawned, and smacked his lips. It took him a moment to realize that he was alone, and another moment more to remember that Princess Luna had snuck into his room last night. Obviously, she had gotten up and left at some point, but he felt an odd emptiness with her absence.
At least he wouldn’t have to explain anything to Celestia today.
A knock at his door interrupted his thoughts, and he called out for the guest to enter as he sat up. It was Celestia’s secretary again, and she straightened her glasses while looking over something on her clipboard.
“Good morning, Mister Bean. I hope I didn’t disturb you.”
“No, I was just getting up.”
“Good. Princess Celestia sends her apologies, but her schedule prevents her from having breakfast with you today. She wanted me to make sure you were taken care of, and to let you know that you’re free to tour any part of the palace. If you need any assistance, just ring the bell. Good day.”
It seemed Miss Inkwell was short on both time and conversation, and she was gone just as quickly as she’d come. Bean inwardly admitted that he would have preferred a more kindly greeting, but he really shouldn’t expect much of that, since he was a rather small goldfish in a very large ocean.
Hospitality aside, Bean did have the singular opportunity to now start his writing career, and the thought cheered him right up. He was convinced that being ignored would do wonders for his inspiration and motivation, so he quickly decided to not squander a single moment. A quick shower, a light meal, and then the rest of the day would be devoted to getting as much writing in as possible.
Baked Bean’s morning passed without interruption.
Baked Bean’s afternoon followed the same pattern.
By sunset, Baked Bean was beginning to feel quite lonely.
He realized that he couldn’t complain, of course. He’d written more that day than he had in his entire life combined, and on his desk sat a fair start to an epic story with dragons, fair unicorn maidens, and a kingdom in need of heroes. It was exactly what he had wanted, after all.
But as he exited his room and made his way down the hallway, he was a bit desperate for somepony to talk to. Being in the restaurant business back home meant that there was never a shortage of ponies to interact with, but a lifetime of upscale cooking meant that he had no idea of what to do with silence, especially when he was smack dab in the middle of it.
Getting used to having so much more personal time was going to be uncomfortable.
Regardless of circumstances, Bean had work to do. This evening, he had decided to observe Princess Celestia and Princess Luna as they tended to their appointed duties. He wanted to ask about gaining access to the royal archives, but at the very least, he’d be able to share a few words with Princess Mi Amore Cadenza and find out what her plans were for studying him. Was she going to sit in his room, watching him write for hours on end as part of her studies? That would be rather boring, but research was boring by default, in his experience.
“Oh! Mister Bean! Good evening. I was just coming to check on you.”
Bean felt the corners of his mouth twitch up with Celestia’s greeting, and he bowed. “Good evening, Princess. I was just stretching my legs. I’ve been cooped up for too long.”
The Princess let out a knowing snort. “I understand that feeling completely. Would you care to accompany me to the sunset? I would like the company, and I’m sure Luna would be delighted to see you as well.”
“I’d be honored to attend. Thank you.” Bean felt a surge of joy when Celestia smiled at him, and he was quick to join at her side. “I presume today was pretty busy for you?”
“A considerable understatement, but yes.” Celestia snorted again, this time in annoyance. “It would seem that… well, let me put it this way. Have you ever heard of an immovable force encountering an unstoppable object?”
He nodded, trying to figure out how that applied to alicorns as she continued.
“I am currently finding out, first-hoof, what would happen in that scenario. The nobility has dug in deeper than I’ve ever seen before, and it’s frustrating me to no end.”
“Really?” he asked. The thought of anypony daring to defy Princess Celestia was almost inconceivable to him. “Why would they want to fight against you? That seems like a really stupid thing to do.”
“Could you come to tomorrow’s meetings and convince them of that?” she asked with a sly grin.
“Um, I don’t think they’ll listen to me if they’re not listening to you,” he noted.
“Unfortunately, I believe you are right. Don’t worry about it, Mister Bean. I’ll sort them all out in time, and they’ll be back to their own petty little schemes soon enough. This isn’t the first time I’ve had to do this, and it won’t be the last.”
“I hope so.”
“How was your day? Were you able to get any writing done?”
Bean glanced up, and to his surprise, he saw an eager expression on Princess Celestia’s face. She wasn’t asking him the question just to be polite, or to make small talk. She was genuinely curious and wanted to know.
“I was able to get some writing in, but I can’t say that it’s good writing. It’s probably a gigantic mess.”
“Perhaps. It may be wise to stop and proofread what you’ve done. It’s always good to step back and review your work from time to time.”
“I’ll be sure to do that, then.”
“If you would like, I wouldn’t mind helping you with the editing process. I do have some experience with writing, after all.”
“Oh, no. Thank you, but I’ll handle it,” he quickly said. There was no way he was going to let Princess Celestia even get a glance at his hen scratching. She had probably invented Ponish all by herself, to say nothing of the fact that she’d treat it like a school assignment and give him an F-minus-minus. “I’m sure you’ve got much better things to do, and a lot of it.”
Celestia gave him a short frown, but then something gave a pleasant twinkle to her eyes. “If you should ever change your mind, the offer will stand. I promise I won’t give it a letter grade.”
“I’ll keep that in mind, thank you.”
“Have you had a chance to talk with my sister yet? I asked her yesterday to speak with you about her dreamwalking, but we both got so busy with paperwork that it might have slipped her mind.”
Bean tried to keep his composure, but his steps faltered for just a moment. Easy, Bean. It’s an innocent question. She doesn’t know about the snuggling. I hope. “I don’t think she has yet, but it’s okay. I’m sure she’ll talk to me when she has the chance.”
“I will remind her, just to be sure.”
“Thank you,” he said, despite his desperate wish for her to forget the whole thing. If Princess Celestia did push, Princess Luna might reveal her sleepover sessions.
Thankfully, the pair arrived at the balcony just at that moment, and Princess Luna was waiting as well. When she saw Bean at Celestia’s side, however, she snorted, and her tail lashed at her haunches.
“Are you all right, Luna?” Celestia asked.
“I am fine. Forgive me. This day has been most vexing, and I was releasing some of my remaining inner tensions.”
“Tomorrow should be better, sister. We are making progress, despite the evidence to the contrary. Just let me handle everything.”
“As always,” Luna muttered. “Are you ready for the moonrise?”
“I am.” Celestia slid the sun out of the sky, then stepped back. “Go ahead, Lulu.”
Luna nodded, turned to the east, and drew in a deep breath. Her horn flared, and with a slight grunt, the moon rose easily into the night sky, with no hint of hesitation or doubt.
What Bean saw, though, was not the celestial orb in the night sky. His eyes had drifted to a certain Royal Rump, but his idle admiration of Luna’s backside was broken up as she performed her duties. Though he couldn’t be quite sure, he thought he had seen a few sparks in her cropped tail, like it had suddenly had a surge of magic diffuse into it before retreating again.
And maybe it had been just a trick of the fading light, but had it begun to flow?
“Very well done, Sister,” Celestia said with a broad smile. “The moon looks magnificent.”
Luna preened with pride. “Thank you, Celly. But where is your niece?” She glanced around, then back to Celestia.
“Engaged in other affairs, I’m afraid. She should be able to join us tomorrow. But for now, I believe we should both retire. It has been a long day,” she concluded with a small yawn.
“May I escort you back to your room, Mister Bean?” Luna asked, with what sounded like a slight note of desperation in her voice, oddly enough. “My sister did mention that you wished to learn about my ability to enter a pony’s dreams.”
That was just about the last thing Bean wanted, but it would be terribly rude to say so. “If you would like to, Princess, but you certainly don’t need to. If you have other things to do…”
“‘Tis but a small thing, and I would enjoy the diversion.”
“Then I would be honored.”
“I’ll see you at sunrise, then.” Celestia gave Luna a brief hug. “Enjoy your evening.”
“You as well, Sister.”
* * ✶ * *
“Have we been down this hallway yet?” Luna huffed in frustration, her glare moving between the identical options at the intersection before her and Bean.
“Twice, I think,” said Bean. “That bronze unicorn bust looks familiar.”
“Irriterende latterligt dumt slot!” Luna furiously roared, her translation spell unable to properly convey her anger. “The pony who designed this infernal castle should be put in the stockade for a year! Why does this ridiculous place need so many hallways?! Does my Sister enjoy wandering around in aimless circles?!”
Images of Nightmare Moon flashed in Bean’s mind, and as he retreated from her, he wondered how long it would take for the Elements of Harmony to purge the Princess once again.
But her anger was quenched as quickly as it had flared, and her ears splayed back in embarrassment and shame. Regret consumed her features, and she offered a contrite grimace. “Forgive me, Mister Bean. I allowed my anger to overwhelm me. Again,” she muttered. “I am in control, and there will be no further outbursts.”
Bean was slow to relax, but not because of disbelief or doubt. His mind was beginning to overflow with questions, but he quickly realized that none of them could be answered unless he got more information from the embarassed and contrite princess before him.
“Hail, Centurion!” Luna called, and the pegasus down the hallway snapped a crisp salute. “Pray, where are the guest chambers for Mister Baked Bean located?”
“Just down that hallway, Your Highness,” the guard replied with a nod in the direction they should go. “Four doors down.”
“Seriously?” Luna snorted, but it was clear her annoyance was aimed at herself. “Come, Baked Bean. I have wasted enough of your time.”
“You haven’t wasted it, Your Highness. It’s been nice being lost with you.”
Luna glanced at him with a confused look as they walked. “Truly?”
“Oh, yeah. If you’re going to be lost, it’s nice to be lost with somepony else instead of by yourself.”
For a moment, Luna looked as if she were going to argue the point. Then the ire burning in her eyes flickered and faded, and Bean could only imagine the pain of being alone for so many centuries.
“I could argue that point, but to do so would be fruitless,” she grumbled.
“No, I really think so,” Bean insisted. “At least this way, I have somepony to talk to.”
The Princess rolled her eyes, but a small smirk emerged from beneath the gloom. “I suppose that is true enough.”
The pair stopped at his door, but Bean was quick to push it open, then step aside. “Please, after you, Princess.”
“Thank you, good sir. It is nice to see that there are still some stallions with some manners.” Luna strode in, then turned as Bean shut the door. “Are you sure you wish to hear about my dream walking? It is rather late, and you must be fatigued.”
“I’m good, and I’d really like to learn more. Maybe I could have one of the characters in my story dream walk too. With your permission, of course,” he added.
“Perhaps.” Luna casually hopped onto the bed, but she looked slightly put out when Bean sat at the desk. She concealed her unease poorly, turning around once on top of the sheets with the delicacy of a pegasus on a snowcloud before settling down and fixing him with an uneasy gaze. “I would like to know more about the story before I give my consent.”
“Soon as I figure that out, I’ll be sure to tell you,” Bean said. “I really have no idea what I’m doing, other than possibly throwing rotten eggs at the wall and seeing if anything sticks. Figuratively,” he added at her confused glance.
“I do not have any experience with writing, so alas, I am unable to assist you in this matter. Unless my presence will stimulate your creative juices, that is.”
Baked Bean really hoped she meant something other than the innuendo he was hearing. “Well, you’re not suppressing them, that’s for sure,” he muttered.
“Now, what would you like to know about dreams?” Luna asked with an eager grin, her front hooves pawing at the bed like a cat at a scratching post. “I admit, it pleases me that you show such a keen interest in my talents.”
“I guess I should start at the beginning. What, exactly, does dream walking entail? Is it exactly what it sounds like?”
“Yes and no. Dream walking is but one component of what I can do, but it is a simple way to describe it. I can manipulate, change, alter, or even outright banish any dream or nightmare, no matter how intense or vivid it may be. Prior to my fall and banishment, I spent most of my time fighting back the frightening images that plagued my little ponies during eventide, but they were legion and varied. I had not sufficient time and energy, most nights, to help guide ponies to pleasant dreams in place of these frights. Perhaps if I had,” she said with a slightly forlorn look.
“Energy?” Bean repeated. “That’s interesting. I guess it makes sense you have to use magic to do all of that, right?”
Luna nodded. “Indeed, but it is an emotional and mental toil, not a physical one. I feel the effects of my work here—” she tapped the center of her chest “—far more than anywhere else.”
“How hard is it to change dreams? Can you only help one or two ponies a night?”
“As I am now, yes. A thousand years ago, I had sufficient power to help many hundred ponies,” she said with pride, but then she shrunk back. “But I do not believe I will regain my former strength. I have proven, without a doubt, that I am untrustworthy and unworthy. I shall be content with what I am, and neither seek nor ask for more.”
Bean wanted to offer something comforting to Luna, but to his dismay, he found that he had no idea what he could say that might be helpful or uplifting. “It must be really hard to enter dreams, then,” he offered, mostly to keep the awkward, silent pause from getting any bigger.
“Not at all. ‘Tis a simple thing to enter a dream. Come, close your eyes. I shall demonstrate for you.”
Bean did as he was asked, and he felt a slight tingle run across the surface of his coat. His eyes flicked open with the sensation, but to his surprise, he found himself now in a large, open meadow, complete with chirping birds, fragrant foliage, and a proud forest on the horizon.
“Wow, that was fast.” He glanced around, then back to Luna, who was seated nearby. “Am I asleep, then?”
“You are, but do not fret. No harm shall come to you. Your physical body is safe in Canterlot as we speak.”
“This is pretty cool. Did you come up with all of this yourself?” he asked.
She gave him a pleased nod.
“Where are we?” he asked.
“Somewhere deep in the Everfree Forest. Or, the Everfree that I remember.” She frowned and took her turn to glance around. “Given what I saw of my old home, and the surrounding environs, I very much doubt this place still exists. The Everfree is… no longer the place of peace and tranquility it was before my corruption.”
“Still, it’s very impressive. And you can make this place whatever you want it to be?”
“Somewhat. I can create and modify anything here, but it is far easier to let the pony who is dreaming dictate what is in the dream.”
“So, wait.” Bean thought this over for a moment. “Are you saying that this is my dream, and that I could make changes if I wanted?”
“I believe the term is lucid dreaming,” Luna said with the faintest hint of happiness beginning to turn the corners of her lips up in a pleased smile. “Try it.”
Bean’s eyes darted back and forth for a moment as he thought, but then his gaze moved to Luna again. “How do I do that?”
“Simply will what you want into being. Your mind will respond to the command.”
With a popping sound, a large plaid blanket appeared under Bean and Luna, followed by a picnic basket, two plates, and a small daisy in an equally small vase. The Princess gave the items a confused look, and she asked the question that was on her mind.
“Interesting. Why have you conjured these items?”
“This seemed like a good place for a picnic,” Bean said with a shrug. “At least, that’s the thought that came to me.”
“Pick nik?”
“An outdoor meal, in essence. You pack up some light snack foods, find a relaxing spot, and just enjoy being outside with friends.”
“I see.” Luna stuck her nose in the basket and rooted around the contents. “Is this a popular pastime?”
“During the summer, yes. Actually, a lot of ponies will stay up late and have stargazing parties. Like this.” Bean blinked a telescope into existence while switching the day to night and adding a few stars in the suddenly dark sky.
Luna sat up quickly, a carrot dangling from her mouth, but a huge smile quickly came with the scenery change. “Truly? This is a favored pastime of ponies in this day and age?”
“Yup. My elementary school had a few of these while I was growing up. I always liked looking up at the night sky, especially after a long day at the restaurant.” Bean’s eyes drifted upward, and he smiled warmly. “The night is always so calm, so clear. I’d sit out on the front porch of my house for hours, sometimes, just looking over the stars and trying to pick out your constellations. This was when I could forget the world and have everything just…”
“And just be,” Luna softly finished for him, her eyes following his gaze. “No demands, no pressures. Just you and the vast expanse.” She paused, but then added, “Please forgive me, but your rendition is not a fair representation of my sky.”
There was a note of pride in her voice, similar to the tone Bean, himself, would take if someone tried to replicate one of his dishes but didn’t put much effort into getting it right. “It is pretty sad, isn’t it? Maybe you can help it out a bit.”
Those were the magic words. Bean fell back in shock and awe as the night sky exploded in a sea of stars and swirls, with every pinprick of light in the proper position and shining as brightly as the moon itself. Bean gasped with delight as he tried to take in the vast spread, but the effort was doomed to failure. Colorful bands of red and green swept in and began to dance along the horizon, their swirling movements stealing his breath away with each twist and turn.
“The Aurora Borealis,” he whispered. “I’ve never seen them in real life before. Salt Lick is too far south. They’re amazing.”
“They have always been one of my favorites,” Luna whispered, so as not to break the mood. “Here in an instant and gone in a flash, but remarkable for the brief time they grace us with their presence.”
Princess and pauper said nothing more, each content to watch the grand display that had been created, and each not wanting to foul the air with words, lest they somehow block their view. For Bean, it was a sublime experience that he doubted he’d ever forget, dream or not, and he ate up the details like a starved pony at an all-you-can-eat buffet, with an almost desperate desire to snap up every little morsel possible. Time became irrelevant, and for what felt like both long hours and mere moments, Bean took everything in.
He was so enraptured that he didn’t notice a dark wing slowly sliding across his shoulders, then down his barrel. There was a tickle of pleasure when he felt himself pulled gently into Luna’s side, but in his overloaded mind, the sensation registered like he had slid under a thick, warm, and downy comforter, and he snuggled into the embrace to more fully enjoy it.
“Bean?” Luna whispered in the stillness. “Does the night not frighten you?”
“Why should it?” he murmured warmly. “There is nothing to fear here.”
He glanced to Luna, and she gave him a smile that held pure joy within it.
And for the rest of that night, Bean and Luna remained together in that moment of complete comfort and perpetual peace.
* * ✶ * *