A Farewell to the Arms, a Welcome to the Hooves

Chapter Two

Stars and Stripes, Emphasis on Stripes

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Let me clarify something. No, it's not connected to your attitude towards bananas. It's about species.

For example, dragons are cool. That's a decision to which I had come through dedicated scrutiny and reading fantasy novels. Dragons can breathe fire and have shitloads of gold and what-not.

Zombies are cool. If playing Fallout had taught me anything, it's the fact that ghouls are amazing beings that have those awesome moves and skills, making everybody envious.

Ponies are cool. I guess that goes without saying, but if you do not belong to the brighter side of the human race, let me outline the basic points for you. Ponies are cute, loving creatures who brighten up your day and make you smile in spite of yourself, whatever your current mood may be.

Damn it, even dolphins are cool, even though they are real! They are just as smart as people - sometimes way smarter than people. And yes, I know ponies are real too. But we're talking about awesome sentient ponies, not some crappy sub-horses.

Zebras are not cool. They are dull, boring creatures who speak in rhyme that would make Shakespeare cringe and shake in fear. They aren't bad; they're just creepy. At least judging by this Zecora.

Now that we've got this issue clear, let me move on with the narration.

As I woke up, after quite a troublesome dream full of biochemistry students trying to poison me with walrus meat (don't ask me... Just don't ask), I immediately realised something was amiss. And I'm not talking about that kind of 'amiss' when you forget to put on your tie or something.

If you have ever been on drugs, you must know that feeling when everything around you looks like an excerpt from a cartoon - colourful, shiny and very unreal. If you haven't been on drugs (good for you!), you will have a difficult time adjusting to what I saw right after opening my eyes.

While the ceiling didn't pique my interest that much, the surroundings certainly did. I found myself in a hut, strange masks and pots of something-or-the-other lying round and about, and countless herbs and... Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute!

I have totally seen this before! Reminiscing all the times I've been high, very high, immensely high, and higher than Everest, I still couldn't get a slightest grip at how this acid-awoken image of a primeval hut had left an imprint on my mind. I rose to my hooves and trotted towards the pot that was royally sitting in the middle of the only room, curiously inspecting a strange green liquid inside. Crucifying my desire to give it an experimental gulp, and burning it on the cross afterwards, I resolved to take a look around. Still, my hooves-

My hooves.

My sweet-satan-fucking-beavers-in-hell hooves!

Now, you are probably familiar with fangasms. I mean, you must have experienced the feeling in some way, like while meeting your idol like Justin Bieber or Skrillex or whatever you youngsters listen to nowadays. Me? Jazz and Classical do the job for me. I'm twenty-eight, for Fuck's sake! ...I wonder if I needed to capitalise that letter.

So, fangasming. The process is quite pleasant, and can be compared to a weekly sex-session with Natalie Portman or Freddie Mercury - whatever way your door swings. As a huge fan of ponies (ImmaponyImmaponyImmaponyImmaponyImmaponyImmaponyImmaponyImmaponyImmaponyYAY!!!), the feeling certainly did not avoid me, as I began jumping all about the hut, yelling happily and breaking some values (nah) as a side dish.

Then, two thoughts occupied my head. (Two at once! I know, right?!)

The first one could be loosely formed as, Oh my fucking God I'm a pony I must be dreaming I'm a pony this is a dream I'm a pony I don't wanna wake up I'm a fucking pony!, while the second delivered the following information, Oh my fucking God I'm really a pony I need to see myself I'm a pony what is my cutie mark I'm a pony I wanna be a unicorn NEED A MIRROR!

Don't get me wrong - I'm no racist. I pretty much appreciate pegasi (because Rainbow Dash) and earth ponies (because Octavia). Just... unicorns can cast magic. Magic, all right? In my discouraging scientifically-outlined life, all I needed was a little bit of magic.

Frantically running around the room and making a laughing-stock of myself in my own eyes (not that I cared, at the moment), I realised that there was no mirror to look into and adore my awesome pony looks! Damn it, what hut doesn't have a mirror, I wonder?

Thinking over the matter (not ceasing my running practice, of course), I decided that, if it was all but a dream, I could easily imagine a mirror and if would appear with a puff or a screech or something. I stopped dead in my tracks and imagined a large rectangular mirror, with wooden mount and whatever usually comes with a standard mirror complectation.

To my surprrise, when I opened my eyes, I found no mirror. Not even a little one, without the mount and what-not. No puffs. No screeches. No magic. I felt cheated by the Dream Fairy.

By the way, it seems that Fairies and I have some sort of misuderstanding. For instance, the Tooth Fairy never brought me money in exchange for my teeth. Stupid Jewish Labourist Fairy. Oh, and I don't mind Jews - I have a Jewish friend, you know! (Always works, that excuse!) The Fairy's cruel betrayal was one of the main reasons as to why I pledged my allegiance to science and gave up on trying to understand religion.

As I made the rusty wheels in my head reel, I came to a conclusion that, though the liquid in the pot - the one in the middle of the room - was green, it still possessed the qualities of all liquids. And one of them was to reflect one's identity on the surface.

Praising myself for knowing the basics of physics, I reached the pot and took a look inside. Good, I could see hooves... and my muzzle... A little peculiar mane... and what the fuck was that?!

Stripes?!

I staggered back and sat down on my bottom, which was actually quite a feat, given the equine anatomy and everything.

I am having the most wonderful dream and I am a fucking zebra?!

Just as I tried to comprehend this fact - I swear I could hear the Dream Fairy's laughter from above! - the door to the hut opened.

I turned my head towards the source of the sound and saw another zebra (another zebra?! Have I really come to terms with the fact I was one?), who was looking at me, wide-eyed.

As my eyes drifted to her flank (don't judge me! I was only searching for the cutie mark, I swear!), I immediately realised where I was. I was in the very hut of Zecora, and the mare in question was standing in the doorway.

I said I didn't much like zebras. But seriously, guys... Zecora? From My Little Pony? Needless to say, I felt another fangasm approaching me as my whole body shook furiously and I jumped to my hooves to greet her.

Just as I ran towards the mare, an expression of sheer bliss on my face, Zecora staggered back a little and slammed the door shut. Right in front of my muzzle.

The blow was so fierce that it sent me flying backwards, my poor head hitting the pot that had just been the substitute for a mirror for me.

And this, ladies and gentlemen, was the moment when shiny stars of confusion entered my brain and I fainted, darkness laying its blanket all over me.