The Disastrous Adventures of Crew-T
by TheMajorTechie
First published
A decidedly unprofessional team of weirdos yoinked out of their comfort zone crashes through fanfic worlds and beyond, leaving a trail of destruction in their wake. Link your story in the comments and see what happens!
What happened to Crews A through S? We don't speak of them.
Read the disclaimer at the very bottom!
A mysterious organization known only as "The CC" emerged mysteriously on a mysterious night with mysterious motives. Their goal? To explore what was never explored before.
The problem? They've sent out nineteen exploration crews, only for each and every one of them to go missing. Also mysteriously, mind you.
And now, with their twentieth attempt in Crew-T, maybe something interesting will finally happen...
A play on the concept behind GMBlackjack's League of Sweetie Belles.
A sidestory to What If...
CONTENT WARNINGS: the complete and utter annihilation of the random tag, OC abuse, and the loss of readers' braincells. Also, the Crackhead Coalition.
Pay me money so I can buy new brain cells.
Submit your story down below with an embed, along with the worst summary you can think of, and I'll consider writing a chapter or two around it! I'll be sure to extract maximum clout out of the resulting garbage-tier horsewords. I can guarantee you that I will judge your story off its cover, yoink said cover and write a chapter knowing absolutely nothing about your fic except for the cover. That is your anti-quality guarantee.
Disclaimer: I may turn down your suggestion for any reason, be it personal or technical.
Meet the Crewmates!
Emily Anderson groaned. Hardly five minutes ago, she was minding her own business, working on assignments for class. Much like what the author of this story should really be doing right now. Now, though?
She sat up, rubbing an eye. This was some kind of... spaceship? No, this looked too advanced to be a mere spaceship. Maybe some kind of holding chamber? A jail, maybe? Though, she hadn't done anything illegal... to her knowledge. And besides, there weren't any bars to be seen, so it probably wasn't a jail.
"Boo."
"Gah!" Emily scooted back from the black and red small horse thing that'd appeared in front of her. "What are you?"
"Name's Butter Knife. I'm an alicorn that you should maybe be afraid of. Listen, bucko, I have no idea where we are, what happened to us, or anything of the sort. When I woke up, there was this weird, disembodied voice shouting over the intercom. Couldn't really tell what was being said, though."
Emily raised a brow.
"You can't understand me, can you?"
"No, no, I absolutely understand you. It's just that the last time I encountered a talking horse, it didn't look anything close to... well, what you look like."
"Mm-hm," Butter Knife turned away. "And next, you're gonna say that you've actually got friends onboard, while I still have to make do alone."
"Emily?" A distant voice echoed down the corridor.
Emily looked up and squinted. "...Lisa?"
"Told ya."
"Emily!" Lisa repeated, running toward her friend. "Man, am I glad to see you! I woke up thinking that I got trapped in a simulation, but it turned out that that simulation was my life, but really it wasn't, and so I thought it was a dream, but it wasn't, and--"
"Okay, okay, geez," Emily nudged her friend away. "I get it. Another run-in with your whole simulation project stuff. Speaking of which, isn't there, like, another one of you or something? One that legitimately put herself in the simulations to escape some sort of trauma instead of dealing with it in a healthy way? I remember vaguely something about that, but I don't know where I remember it from."
"Huh?"
"Nevermind."
"You two blabber more than Ego Boost." Butter Knife grumbled. "You gonna start a podcast together or something, or are we going to actually figure out what's going on? I'm already getting sick of being around you t--"
"Actually," Emily cut in. "A podcast does sound like a pretty neat ide--"
Butter Knife smacked a hoof against the girl's mouth. "SHUT."
A distant crash caught the attention of the three.
Slicey Dicey lowered her hoof. "Oh... oh no... wait, hey narrator, you got my name wrong!"
Not sorry. So anyway, Emily was already in her attack stance, because she has one of those now apparently. Go take a look at Splintershard's cover art. That's what it looks like. Except she doesn't have her wand, 'cause that kinda went boom and disappeared in Splintershard, and at the moment of this chapter being written, she still hasn't gotten another one yet.
Also, Emi's a pony now, because that's also something that happened in Splintershard.
"Wait, what the heck?" Emily stared down at her hooves. "I... what? I thought I was human again?"
Bread Spread, tell Emi what's up.
"Again, it's Butter Knife. You didn't have any issue with it early on, so what gives now?"
Emily looked at Butter Knife weirdly. Now she knows what it must've been like for folks to watch her talk to Starlight.
"Shut up already, narrator. I run the show here."
Alrighty then, you've got the ropes.
"So. Emi, right? That's what you're called?"
Emily looked up from her hooves and nodded.
"You're a pony, Emi. For the sake of continuity with your story. Also, I can talk to the narrator."
"What."
"Nevermind. As for you, Lisa--keep being you. You're like Ego Boost but less annoying. Right now though, I think we all have a bigger problem to deal with."
The distant crashing grew a little louder.
Butter Knife facehoofed. "Oh dear me I hope it isn't Ego Boost..."
Guess what, Slicey Dicey?
"What? Oh... oh no, don't you dare--"
It isn't. It's Sweetie Giraffe!
"AM SENSE THE SMOLNESS." Sweetie Giraffe's voice boomed overhead. "WHERE THE SMOLNESS. MUST DESTROY."
A floating, disembodied hand materialized in front of Sweetie Giraffe, slapping her across the face. "No destroy. Is friends." The hand whispered as it repeatedly smacked the giraffe. "Friends help destroy other smolness maybe."
Sweetie Giraffe's rampage ground to a halt. She leaned over, craning her neck down to the two mares and one human girl. "You is friends. Us destroy smol."
"Ooo...kay?" Lisa reached a hand to Sweetie Giraffe and gave her a headpat, because headpats are good.
As for Lil' Knifey, she was glad that the narrator actually did something useful for once.
"I NEVER SAID THAT."
Butter Knife proceeded to say exactly that.
Butter Knife screamed.
"SCREM BAB LOUD." Sweetie Giraffe glared at the still-screaming Stabb🅱. "CAN DESTROY?"
"NO, YOU WILL NOT DESTROY BUTTER KNIFE, THE MOST FEARED ALICORN IN ALL OF--"
Butter Knife proceeded to burst into flames from Sweetie Giraffe's laser-vision, leaving behind only a pile of ashes.
"I--" Emily backed away from Sweetie Giraffe. "Lisa, I... think you should also get away. Maybe call the police if you can. We just witnessed a freakin' murder."
The pile of ashes burst into flames, reassembling bit by bit into a now-clearly annoyed Butter Knife. She pointed a hoof at Sweetie Giraffe. "Alright, listen up, tall girl, I'm the boss around here."
"Mmmmno, I think I'd be more fitting as the boss," Emily gestured at herself. "I mean, I was tasked with preventing a civil war, and my only real companion through all of it was an annoyed pony stuck in my head."
"AM TALL. IS WILL BE BOSS."
Lisa raised a hand. "I... think maybe we should discuss this later. We still don't know where we are, after all."
"Cardboard box."
Everyone looked at the small, Bluetooth speaker sitting against the wall.
"Welcome to the rest of your lives, nimrods. Press the button to continue."
"What butto--" Emily began before inadvertently tripping on the big red "easy" button sitting on the floor in front of her.
Author's Notes:
Stories ravaged in this chapter:
Leave suggestions for stories down in the comments below! I'm going to try not to re-use stories as much as possible, so don't forget to check what's already been suggested!
There is 1 imposter among us.
Author's Notes:
An extension of the previous chapter. I'ma be crashing through some of my own fics first before I start on anyone else's, so that I get a good number of suggestions built up ahead of time.
In the meantime, have some loose connecting lore or something!
"Welcome to Coalation C," the speaker continued. "I see you have pressed the button."
Lisa raised a brow. "May I ask what the button does?"
"No. Also, your shoe is untied. No worries, however. Your laces have now been replaced with a durable, wear-resistant material hailing from the age of space exploration."
"Really?" Lisa widened her eyes. "I--thank you!"
"Your shoes are now velcro sneakers, you dingus." Margarine deadpanned. "You know that, right?"
Lisa looked down. "Huh. So they are."
The other Lisa tapped Lisa on the shoulder.
Lisa looked up. "Oh dang, there's two of me now. Where'd you come from?"
The other Lisa shrugged. "I'd ask the same, but I'm pretty sure at the moment that this is a simulation. It's got ponies, after all. Only place I know of with interactive ponies is the simulation I built in my teens to run away from my life problems instead of dealing with them in a sane, healthy way."
Lisa blinked. "I... uh, okay? Question, do you know anyone by the name of Emily from your world? Or at least an Emily that you go to school with? From my understanding, we've all been abducted by some mysterious force from our home universes and thrown together in this spaceship-looking place."
"Cardboard box," the Bluetooth speaker repeated.
The other Lisa shook her head. "Don't know anyone by that name. Really the only friend I can clearly remember anything about is Samantha. You have a Samantha in your world, right? Y'know, the one who plays Pinkie Pie the pony as a character, kinda crazy when she feels like it? Theater kid who can't dance because she's just that bad at it?"
Lisa shook her head. "I did meet a Samantha back in third grade, but I don't think we really did very much together. I heard she's a pretty good actress these days, though."
"Are we not going to bring up the fact that there are two Lisas here now?" Emily grumbled. "Also, other Lisa, are you okay?"
"...Yeah, why?"
"The whole running away from your life problems thing. Don't your parents miss you?"
"My parents have been dead for over a decade. I live with Professor Argall and my brother, Tim."
"Ayyyyy," Butter Knife placed her hoof on the other Lisa's shoulder. "Welcome to the dead parents club, Lizzo."
Lisa's eye twitched. "I... you--you lost your parents? And you live with your teacher? What kind of messed-up world do you live in?! And you even got your simulation project to a fully-working state, too! How did you do that so quickly?"
"I mean, I worked on it continuously starting from grade school up into my teenage years, so..."
"Okay, okay, sorry for butting in again--" Emily butt into the conversation again. "--but how old are you?"
The other Lisa looked at Lisa. She raised an arm, pointing at her counterpart. "Older than her, most likely."
"No seriously, how old are you?"
"Twenty-six."
"Ollllld, you're ooooold!" the Bluetooth speaker mocked. "Hey, can someone bring a walker down there for Granny Liz?"
Thousand-degree knife proceeded to punt the speaker across the floor.
"DESTROY?" Sweetie Giraffe raised a hoof above the speaker.
"Yes," the other Lisa nodded. "You may destroy."
"Another question." Emily raised a hand.
"I'm not a teacher, you know."
Emily lowered her hand. "You're taking all of this really well so far. Why are you so calm?"
The other Lisa--
"Okay, narrator, give us a break already," Butter Knife shouted at me, the narrator. "If you keep saying 'Lisa' and 'The other Lisa', then I will personally come to you and beat you with your own keyboard."
Fine. Since the first Lisa knows Emi, she will now be known as Splintershard Lisa, or S-Lisa, for short. The other evidently comes from Pony-Me, so she will be P-Lisa. Better?
"Finally he listens to me," Do Not Put Me in a Toaster grumbled, rolling her eyes. "So. Plisa. You gonna answer?"
Nobody responded, for only Butter Knife knew of these new nicknames.
"You--" she pointed a hoof at the Lisa from Pony-Me. "The author of this story has made the arbitrary decision to officially nickname you Plissa. And you--" she swung her hoof to the Lisa from Splintershard. "--have been nicknamed Slissa."
You added some extra 's'-es there, buddy.
"Because I want to."
Fine. Plissa raised a brow at her forceful nicknaming. "Anyway, I was asked why I was so calm. While I certainly don't have any evidence to prove it is the case, I personally think that this is either a strange dream, or I entered another simulation and forgot why I did so. Either way, this is getting interesting, so I'm going to stick around for as long as I can."
"And another questio--"
"SHUT." Butter Knife jammed her hoof in Emi's mouth. "Enough from you. Do not bother the elder Lisa."
"Seriously, guys," Plissa folded her arms. "I'm not that old."
A walker slid up against her leg.
"I SAID I'M NOT OLD."
"Hey, Butter Knife?"
"Yes?"
Emily pointed behind the mare. "What's that?"
Butter Knife whirled around and punched the imposter square in the face, sending them flying with enough force to go boom and die, leaving only their legs and a big ol' bone sitting on the floor.
Butter Knife sus.