Everyday Life With Guardsmares
Chapter 135
Previous Chapter Next ChapterLily Glamerspear
Specialist Lily Glamerspear -- ‘scratch that, no.’
‘This is the Gala.’
Lily was in and past the gate, not just waiting in the antechamber. She was wearing her Louis Valise dress, not her armor or her artillery greens.
She did have her Centurion's Silver Ram around her neck, so maybe she was Centurion Lily Glamerspear, but that still seemed too formal for the night -- especially with the mood so recently lightened by the hilarious reveal of the uptight and morose Corporal Bound's rambunctious, swashbuckling, peg-legged father.
As Lily’s group of five finished ascending one of the staircases at the back wall, they passed through a gallery-hall and out onto one of the smaller upper terraces, where the party was already in full swing. Standing beside the unicorn, Artemis looked wistfully back down at the doors. No doubt she was thinking of how the group had just made an end-run around Their Royal Majesties' receiving line, but there would always be time for that later. The joint rulers of Equestria would still be receiving guests for another hour or two, before the scheduled festivities really began.
With their corporal leading the way, they collectively came to a halt in a little, semi-private terraced section of the gardens, complete with a few benches and a small bar table -- and, crucially, with a white-jacketed colt ladling out the brightly-colored contents of a punch bowl into wide-brimmed cocktail glasses.
Lily licked her lips, but the drinks would have to wait for the moment, too.
Honour tried to position a tree and a few bushes between herself and the palace doors, as she nestled into the nook. Once she’d settled herself, Lily pounced.
The unicorn cleared her throat and spoke loudly. "So, Honoria..."
That earned Lily an incensed stare, which she returned with a grin. But, in an act of appeasement, she lit up her horn and floated over a round of drinks from the bar-table. Honour frowned, but she took the proffered beverage, and so too did Eb, Sparks, and Anon. Once Lily got a glass of the orange liquor in her hoof as well, she raised it up in salutation.
"...Let's have a toast to your newfound first name!"
Everybody took a drink.
‘Mmm, rum punch.’
Were they serving this as aperitif because of all the sailors present?
With a graceless sniff and wipe of her mouth, the corporal grumbled aloud. "Let's get things straight: My name is Honour. 'Honoria' is my mother's name. I don't know why Leeward always insists on using it for me, too."
Artemis nursed her glass, flexing her wings slightly as if she wanted to say something, but she just looked to Lily, the instigator of both the toast and the investigation into the corporal's designation. Purity was already taking an eager second sip. Aggressive, given how early it was, but Lily knew that the bat could hold her liquor.
"Alright. But seriously though, this is the 'somepony' you didn't want to meet here? Your father, the scene-stealing sailor?"
Honour sighed and nodded her head. "Yeah."
Lily cocked an eyebrow. "And why? Just because he was going to talk everypony's ears off with his sailing stories?"
"That's part of the reason."
The unicorn hung on for the continuation, but when it wasn’t forthcoming, she arched her eyebrows and waved her free forehoof around in circles to draw it out.
Honour still seemed reluctant to say anything, and that's when Artemis burst out. "I thought your father was sweet! I mean, I wasn't going to say 'no' if you really wanted to avoid him, but I still don't understand why we had to leave! I liked his story! And everypony else seemed to like it, too!"
But the corporal remained clammed up, prompting Purity to join in, too. "In effect, I found him most charming in our brief encounter. I might even say that to me he appears to embody one of the properties stereotypical of ponies Equestrian: the animated narration of histories."
She wasn’t really wrong on that front.
Lily picked up where the others left off. "Hey, stereotypes do exist for a reason. All he was missing was launching into a choreographed musical dance about his sailing experiences."
Honour shuddered with revulsion. "He's got one. But he prefers to sing it with at least a dozen of his crew as chorus and backup dancers. I guarantee you: after he breaks up that sailors' tussle, he'll be grabbing mariners for that very purpose."
Sparkshower pawed her free forehoof on Their Majesties' exquisitely-maintained turf. "Aw, I bet it's really fun to watch. Why aren't we there? Isn't this the Gala? Isn't it made for singing and dancing?"
Lily shot her a grin as she finished another sip. "And drinking."
Ebonshield knocked back the rest of her cocktail, but Lily noted that the Royal Engineer hadn't touched his glass beyond that first toast, while everypony else had gotten at least halfway through theirs.
‘Is something the matter?’
Something to check into when Lily was done with the corporal.
Honour turned to Sparkshower with an apologetic frown. "Look, I'm sorry, Artemis. You can go back in if you really want to, at least watching from the top of the staircase, but I just really don't like being around my father."
With a sigh, she swirled her drink a few times and then took another mouthful of it. "I realize he can give off a good first impression. And if I'm being honest, he's a decent singer and a decent dancer, too, even with the leg. But all I can think about when I'm around him is all of the problems he's caused."
That raised a few eyebrows, Lily’s included. "Are you kidding me? What kind of problems could be caused by a colt like that? Friendly, charming, well-spoken -- what's the issue?"
Honour just shook her head. "It's family troubles, Glamerspear. You don't want to hear them."
The unicorn snorted. "Hey, I thought we agreed to be on a first-name basis here."
Shrugging, she set her eyes on another round for herself and for the eager sergeant, lighting up her horn to somewhat aggressively hoist over a fresh pair of full glasses from the drinks table, even as she sent the empties back. The tuxedoed stud serving bar treated the exchange as absolutely nothing out of the ordinary, and duly slipped the dirty glasses down into a tray awaiting its inevitable pickup by a busser, before immediately preparing another two glasses for whomsoever thirsty party guests might wander by.
Eb duly took the proffered drink in hoof as Lily continued. “But if you really want to clam up, I suppose that's your prerogative. I don't have any compunction against talking family stuff, myself. And I still see my dad occasionally, even though I hate his guts. I can't imagine your Mister Leeward Bound is worse than my Mister Lobeline Glamerspear."
Sparkshower suddenly drooped her wings in shock, her ears flattening against her head. "Lily, you don't get along with your father either? I didn't think you could find two ponies in all of Equestria who had problems with their family. But am I the only one among us who loves their parents?"
‘She really does come from a perfect agrarian idyll of a village, doesn't she?’
As with the chat about saltines and salt-licks, the corporal let her down easy. "It's more common than you might think, Artemis, but that doesn't mean it's common. Although it sometimes is more frequent among guardsponies -- joining the Guard is an easy way to get out of a toxic home, after all."
That seemed to reassure the pegasus mare enough to leave her merely concerned instead of outraged, prompting Honour to turn towards the unicorn. "I'm not getting into a who's-got-the-worst-dad argument with you, Lily."
Glamerspear just snorted. "Yeah, 'cause you'd lose. My mom worked double shifts as a nurse to put my three brothers through college, and would have done the same for me if I hadn't joined the Guard instead. Whereas my dad's a chronically-drunken, chronically-unemployed layabout who'd beat anypony who got between him and his bartender or his bottle -- and that 'anypony' included his family members, regardless of age or sex."
Sparkshower gasped. "That's horrible, Lily!"
She nodded. "It sure is. I still think about shoving a spear down his throat every now and then." With an aggressive sniff unworthy of her Louis Valise dress, Lily took a sip of her fresh drink, and the rum cleared her head a bit. "But then I remember: he's not worth it. My brothers and I are all moved out, and he's just a sad old drunk now who's so wrecked his body and brain with hooch that he can barely stand on his own four hooves."
A dull pain set in on her forehead -- she was either taking the alcohol too fast, or maybe it was just too cold and she was getting an ice-cream headache. "I feel bad for mom since she takes care of him by herself, with occasional help from Lavender -- the youngest of my older brothers, who still lives in Manehattan. Even for all his faults, I know mom'd still miss dad if he was gone. And he can't really hurt anypony but himself anymore."
Lily tried to put on a smile and force her way through both the headache and the ugly memories. "And that's my happy family story. Great way to start off the Gala, huh? So what's your beef with the peg-leg, then?"
Honour let out a deep sigh. "Celestia, you always have to put your hoof in it, don't you? All right, I guess if I'm going to ask us to keep avoiding him, I guess I ought to explain why." Shaking her head, she furrowed her brow. "It's not like in your story. Leeward never laid a hoof on me or my mother. Not that he really would have had the chance to, anyways -- he was always out sailing, away for weeks at a time, cruising across the Celestial Sea, and then back on shore in Fillydelphia only for a few days before heading out once more on another voyage. In fact, if you counted up all the time I've actually spent with my own father, it probably doesn't even add up to one whole year."
Lily nodded, starting to get the idea.
"Sometimes I feel like I barely know him, which makes it really awkward when he tries to act all fatherly towards me, like just now. But that's not why I avoid him -- not the only reason, at least." Honour pointed a forehoof at Ebonshield. "You hit the nail on the head when you said he reminded you of Equestrian stereotypes. In fact, he is an Equestrian stereotype. A walking, talking, singing, and dancing Equestrian stereotype. He's always in a good mood, always optimistic about the future, and he always sees the best in everything. He's patriotic, gregarious, musical, and unflinchingly positive about life..."
That didn’t sound bad, just maybe annoying.
Like Lily’s feelings about her nerdy brothers, when she was growing up. She still wasn’t a fan of geeky crap, but she did appreciate the three of them for being there for her when she needed it. And there was no question about loving them as family, either.
The corporal looked around the circle, holding up a forehoof as if testifying. "I know I can be negative at times-"
"That's an understatement."
Honour ignored Lily’s interjection. "-But I like to think I'm just being realistic. Or at least I try to be. And that's the problem with Leeward: reality doesn't mean a thing to him."
Lowering her free hoof, she averted her gaze down towards the ground. "He let me, and more importantly my mother, get away with everything. If she'd frittered away his salary on some scam, leaving us with no new money for clothes or horseshoes and an empty pantry, he didn't want to hear about it, all while hoofing over a fresh purse with his latest salary. If she'd been seen dallying with some other colt while he was out on a cruise, working to bring money in to the family, he didn't care as long as she was in his hooves when he was back on shore. As for me, if I skipped class or got into a fight, instead of setting me straight, he'd just offer up saccharine dreams that I'd sail straight and true the next time he was away."
With a sniffle, she lifted her head back up again. "He isn't a drunkard, and he didn't beat either of us, though sometimes I think it would've been better if he had. He works hard and he's done pretty well for himself, career-wise. He even married above his station: my mother, Honoria Du Rendal, is descended from some old-blood noble family, though she's far removed from any remaining wealth and she's basically never had anything for herself, which is I guess why she kept making frivolous purchases and dumb investments. But he's just such a damned glad-hoofer; he trusts that every problem his family had on shore will sort itself out on its own. I could never get through to him how bad things were with mom running the household in his absence -- and they sometimes got pretty bad. There was a week where my mother sent me out to basically beg for scraps to feed us, because she'd yet again wasted his sailor's pay on some ludicrously obvious fraud investment. And I was only a filly, then. Ponies were always taking advantage of my mother, one way or another, and he didn't care to hear it, let alone lift a hoof to try to put a stop to it. Later, when I started to rebel by skipping out on school and hanging with a tough crowd, he barely reacted at all -- even after my mother raised the alarm about it."
‘Geez.’
Lily’s dad got pretty rough physically, but it sounded like Honour's issues with her dad really got into her head.
That might actually be worse.
The corporal trailed off, and nopony could find anything to say for a moment.
Then their Very Important Pony, the one who wasn’t a pony, looked on sympathetically and spoke up with a pointed question.
"What did he think about your divorce?"
She scoffed. "What divorce? As far as he's concerned, I'm just 'temporarily separated' from my cheating, miscreant ex-husband. Never mind all the paperwork I had to fill out and the meeting with a magistrate to formally terminate the marriage; he thinks all I need to do is give that colt another chance and things will work out in the end."
With a furious glare, the corporal looked up at their VIP. "That's probably what makes me hate being around him the most. Whenever we meet, he inevitably brings the subject of my marriage up, as if we haven't talked about it a million times before. I'm sick and tired of saying 'no' to somepony who I barely know and who never listens to a word I say, unless it's good news." She trailed off once more, and, unable to think of how to properly end her rant, she just looked down at her drink, swirled it around a bit more, then finished it off.
Her problems hitting it off with that slow-playing sergeant from back-home were starting to make a lot more sense. It wasn’t just her once-bitten-twice-shy attitude after her divorce; it was because she had more than just her failed marriage staring back at her from Fillydelphia.
Glamerspear broke the silence. "Your family's a big reason you've kept things slow with that Castlerook character, isn't it?"
Honour sighed, pulling her bottom lip up and flattening her ears. "Yeah. Even though I obviously wouldn't be living with my parents, I still don't really want to be there at all. To be fair, mom's not so bad now; she finally wised up, in her middle age. Me enlisting in the Royal Guard was a real wake-up call to her aspirations of grandeur. And I think my divorce put her own situation -- with a devoted and hard working, if hopelessly idealistic husband -- into perspective. She was sympathetic when my marriage fell apart, and that stopped her continuing own dalliances, too. I don't mind talking with her any more. And at least she was always around, so I actually think of her as my parent."
‘Yeah, yeah, yeah, ramble on.’
‘She's missing the point, though.’
"Okay. And does your Mister Castlerook know that Fillydelphia, and specifically Leeward, is the hangup?"
Honour furrowed her brow. "He was there. For all of it: we used to hang out as foals." A grin appeared on her face. "When I started acting up, I joined him in a small roving gang of youngsters. We were the terror of the neighbourhood, always getting into trouble and scuffles. Nothing major, you understand, just always making pests of ourselves, and feuding with similar groups in adjacent streets. I even spent a few nights in a jail cell, though I was never criminally charged."
‘Pfft, 'terror,' yeah right.’
Glamerspear imagined pissed-off shopkeepers shaking forehooves at retreating foals, and sandlot hoofball games ending with bruises and bumps and mothers wagging their tongues at children about sending them off to live on the other side of Equestria. Ponice dragging off quarrelsome teenagers and chucking them in the drunk tank to 'set them straight.' In Manehattan, real gangs pulled out shanks and left blood on the street. Anyways, she was dodging the question again.
Lily put a forehoof on Honour’s shoulder and leaned in. "Yeah, okay, he was there, mare -- but does he know? Have you told him?"
She swallowed. "I... No. Not really, I guess. It hasn't come up."
‘Well, there's the problem right there.’
Pulling her forehoof off the corporal’s shoulder, Lily threw it up in the air and shook her head. "And that's why the two of you are struggling to get that wagon hitched up. I mean, c'mon, Honour, clear communication is 'Relationships 101.'"
‘And didn't she say he was here from Filly to help guard the Gala?’
Lily slyly raised an eyebrow. "Is he here tonight?"
Honour nodded. "Yeah. His platoon is posted at one of the connecting hallways to the East wing; or it should be, unless they were reassigned at the last minute. They'll be there until the sailors start to file back to the docks."
Lily blew out a whinny. "Well, there's no time like the present. You want to avoid your dad, the other side of the palace sounds like a good place to start."
She frowned. "He's on duty, Lily."
"Yeah, on duty as a guard posted in an empty hallway. They're there to stop guests from trotting off to sneak some hanky-panky in Their Majesties' Personal Suites, and as backup muscle if the sailors get out of hoof. And they're probably bored out of their minds, or will be soon." Lily chuckled and looked around the group. "I mean, let's be honest. Most guard duty is pretty mind-numbing. I'm happy we're the exception, but we are an exception."
Winking at the Royal Engineer, she shot him a smile. "Of course that's all thanks to you, sir."
Anonymous smiled amusedly. "I thought we were supposed to be on a first-name basis here, Miss Glamerspear."
‘Ooh, he put a nice inflection on that.’
‘Still, though, maybe now's a good time to pivot.’
"Sorry, Anon. It's a tough habit to break off duty. But is something else wrong? You've barely touched your drink."
The Royal Engineer lifted up his glass and inspected it. "Oh, this? Ah, I didn't want to get hammered before dancing the Lipizzaner Waltz, that's all." With a smile, he looked down at Sparkshower, who was mid-drink "Even after all our practice, I'm still a little nervous about wrong-footing it. When is the dance, actually?"
Lowering her glass, Artemis licked her lips then smacked them. "It's just before the dining room opens at seven o'clock. That's in about an hour and a half. But don't worry, they'll announce when everypony should head over. More spectators makes for better photos of the dance, after all. And if there aren't enough couples -- er, pairs -- to fill the dance floor, as there usually aren't, then the Masters of the Dance go and pick good-looking twosomes out of the crowd to join in for the rehearsal at least."
Although this whole 'Lipizzaner Waltz' started as a fallback from Sparkshower's disastrous idea of dancing the Maypole with their VIP, Lily had to admire the effort she'd put into it. And it did sound kinda fun. "Seems like they play the dance like a big party game."
Artemis nodded excitedly at her. "Yes, that's what I've heard. Except it's for Lords and Ladies and all sorts of fancy elegant ponies!" As if suddenly remembering her chosen dance partner, she flushed red. "...Er, and for fancy elegant non-ponies, too!"
Anonymous chuckled. "It's all right; I understand the appeal of seeing and being seen in the company of fashionable peers. As I said, I'm excited about it myself."
Lily smirked. "Not as much as your dance partner is, I bet. But her enthusiasm'd be hard to top."
On cue, the giddy pegasus started to bounce up and down a bit, narrowly avoiding spilling her drink. "Oooooh, it's going to be sooooo wonderful! Thinking about it almost makes me forgive us skipping out on Their Majesties' receiving line!"
Honour looked apologetically over at her. "I am sorry about that, Artemis. But there'll be another time when we can greet them tonight, I'm sure."
Lily chimed in in support. "Yeah, it's not like Their Majesties are just going to disappear when the receiving line closes. So don't wear yourself out, there's plenty of party left."
Ebonshield cleared her throat. "Do any of you in fact know the schedule complete for tonight? I am of course, happy merely to be present, but curious also as to what activities await us."
Sparkshower immediately piped up. "There was a placard with times at the bottom of the stairs. The receiving line goes until six, then the waltz is at half past, the dining room opens at seven. After that, the main ballroom opens with formal dances at eight, including the Maypole dance, and then at ten-"
Lily interrupted. "At ten is when things really get started. The fussy old fogeys shuffle off home, the orchestra packs up, the DJ rolls in, the lights dim, the speakers blare, the Maypoles get turned into dancing-poles, and everypony can finally let 'er rip."
The red-robed batpony nodded, the black tassel of her hat swinging to and fro. "Ah, excellent. So I have more than four hours to find for myself a partner for dancing? Bueno."
Honour snorted dismissively, but Anonymous chimed in with praise. "With that striking outfit, Purity, I'm sure you'll have a line of suitors going around the whole ballroom."
Now it was Lily’s turn to snort. "Yeah, and all of 'em struggling to build up the courage to ask a batpony for a dance."
But the sergeant just smiled. "Ah, this is no trouble. If I see that I have admirers, I will simply pick one and make the invitation myself."
Everybody got a chuckle out of that. The really funny thing was, they all knew it was true. There was no doubt about her aggression when it came to finding herself her own partner. And she was getting plenty of looks in the nightclubs earlier in the week, and that was with a plain black bodysuit. If Honour's father hadn't swooped in and stolen the show with his boisterous joviality, she'd have turned every head in the room.
On that subject, Lily turned back towards the corporal. "So? You going to go talk to Mister Castlerook or not? He's only here temporarily, isn't he? He'll be heading back to Filly' in a few days. You don't want to waste that time."
Honour looked up at the Royal Engineer. "I, uhm... We talked about not splitting up the group and leaving our VIP alone, didn't we?"
But Anonymous put up his empty hand. "My concern was about being left completely alone, and I said it half in jest, too. Go, if you like. We can plan to link up again when the Lipizzaner Waltz begins. That's plenty of time to confer with your boyf-, er coltfriend, isn't it?"
Honour turned red to match her dress at his use of that term. "He's not actually-- It's complicated."
Lily nodded. "Yeah, and it's gonna stay complicated until you spill the beans to him."
She still looked a bit hesitant, so Lily lit up her horn and levitated her drink into the air to free up her limbs, then stepped up to their quaternion leader and planted her forehooves on Honour’s shoulders.
"If Fillydelphia is a deal-breaker, tell him, and talk to him about the alternatives." Lily jerked her head over towards Sparkshower, then beckoned her over. "Look at what happened to Artemis -- no offense, Sparks, and sorry to use you as an example -- when she had a communication issue with her colt."
The pegasus one-flapped her way over and Lily switched a forehoof onto her shoulder to bring her into a huddle. "I know I'm not exactly a role model here, but I've seen what happens to friends when they can't get things straight with their colt or mare. Especially recently, ya know?"
Artemis glumly nodded, and eventually, so too did Honour.
Releasing them from the huddle, Lily took a step back and got her drink in hoof once more. The two of them stood there a bit sheepishly, but Purity looked impishly over at her. "You seem tonight to be playing the role of the confidante of the relationships, Lily."
With a casual shrug, the unicorn took the final sip from her glass. "Somepony's got to, or else all five of us will go home from the biggest hook-up event of the year with empty hooves, hearts, and beds."
Eb grinned. "Perhaps you can play also the role of the maker of matches, then. Honour will go and speak to her Castile-rook, and we will stroll around the grounds and the palace and you will indicate to us the colts -- and the mares, for Anónimo -- to whom we should pay the attention particular in the evening, when the dancing modern begins."
‘She's got high expectations.’
But Lily liked a challenge, and she whinnied amusedly. "Oh, I can't pretend to be a guide to Gala society." Zipping her empty glass over to the bar and grabbing a new one, she grinned. "But hey, I might as well try. At least I can tell you who I think has managed to nail their outfits -- besides the five of us, obviously."
That brightened up their spirits, and even Honour polished off her drink and nodded to the group. "Okay. I'll meet you all in the ballroom when they call for the waltz."
Everyone nodded.
"Sounds like a plan." And with that, Lily telekinetically gathered the empty glasses from everypony -- except the Royal Engineer, who was still conservatively nursing his own drink -- and floated them over to the bartender colt with a wink and a blown kiss.
She got a polite reserved nod in acknowledgement, and Honour headed off to the far side of the palace, while the rest of her group set off at a slow walk to see who Lily could find to gossip about.
‘Let's see, a dance partner for Eb; that'll have to be some young stud as outrageously dressed as she was.’
‘For the still-heartbroken Artemis, a demure gentlecolt who'll woo her slowly and gently.’
‘The Royal Engineer?’
Lily didn't actually know his tastes -- maybe that was something to find out. Yes, he knew about tufts and wingboners and horn anteglows, and Honour said he could find a pony attractive now, knowing that he wasn't repulsive, but she had never heard him express any preferences.
For example, what kind of plot did he like? Tight? Something with a little meat? Or even more comprehensive?
How much tuft was enough for him, and was there such a thing as too much?
Did he have a favourite color palette or manestyle?
And then there was species, too -- earth, pegasus, or unicorn?
Lily was a little biased about that choice, of course. There were some other species here, too, if he bent that way. In fact, did her VIP have any more... unusual desires? Docks? Fetlocks? Surely he couldn't actually be into "tackplay," as Sparkshower had suggested.
Well, whatever the case, now was certainly the time for him to explore the variety of shapes and styles on display.
And as for herself?
Lily wasn't so sure on that front. Mailedhoof was out, yes; so, too, was her business of being a saltine. She had resolved to turn her career around, but what about her love-life?
The only firm requirement she could think of right now is that she wanted a colt who respected her. Beyond that, she’d just have to see what the luck of the draw brought her.
Suggested interlude music: Daft Punk - 'Get Lucky', featuring Pharrell Williams and Nile Rodgers [2013]
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5NV6Rdv1a3I
