Dear Twilight Sparkle,

I will assume from the bear traps and claymores that now litter the hallways of the castle that waking up with me snuggling against you in your bed made you really uncomfortable. However, I must say in my defense that this castle is a freezer!

You surely are smart enough to realize that crystal walls do nothing to keep the place warm without the sun, and you don’t even have a miserable chimney.
I bet that the only reason you haven’t frozen to death in your bed is because you share room with a dragon that acts as a living heater. So, either get some proper heating in your tomb of a castle, or don’t complain when sleeping with you is necessary for my survival during this winter.

Your freezing enemy,
Starlight Glimmer.

P.S: I’m serious, I will use your books as kindling if I have to!

P.P.S: I threaten you with the destruction of your personal life and you try to befriend me, but a little bit of personal contact immediately drives you towards attempted murder? Really?
Are you sure I’m the only one with you don’t have unresolved metal issues?

Dear Starlight Glimmer,

I wanted to send you this friendly little letter to inform you of your imminent demise.
You’ve rejected my offer of peace, invaded my personal space, and threatened my books. For this, I will give no quarter. Even if my friends say that I’m taking things too far, I won’t rest until you’re removed from my castle and life, so you better fall in line or leave this place before things really get ugly.

Your judge, jury, and executioner,
Twilight Sparkle.

Dear Starlight Glimmer,

While I do find this whole thing creepy and pointless, since your problem is only with Twilight, I will offer you to cuddle with me if you’re cold, just so things don’t escalate further.
The last thing anypony wants is for you two to start a nuclear arms race.

I can also leave you some warm blankets if you like, along with the hot coco.

Your neutral ally,
Spike

Dear Spike,

Your attempts at peace are useless I refuse to lower myself I must respectfully decline your offer I appreciate the sentiment but I just

Thank you.

Your conflicted enemy,
Starlight Glimmer.

The Vomit-Stained Letter

Dear Twilight [CENSORED],

You massive [CENSORED], you [CENSORED] poisoned my hot coco! What the [CENSORED] is wrong with you! I’ve been throwing up all [CENSORED] morning and I feel like [CENSORED].

I was going to go [CENSORED] easy on you, but this is a declaration of total [CENSORED] war!

When the [CENSORED] day comes, you will regret ever been [CENSORED] born, you massive piece of [CENSORED], [CENSORED], [CENSORED] [CENSORED].

Your [CENSORED] [CENSORED] [CENSORED],
Starlight Glimmer.

Dear Starlight Glimmer,

Due to your more than colorful language, I took the liberty of casting a censoring spell on this and any future letter you or Twilight write.

Your watchful monarch,
Princess Celestia.

PS: I will also have a talk with Twilight about this more than unnecessary action.

Dear princess Celestia,

I’m not apologizing.

Your faithful student,
Twilight Sparkle.

The Chewed Letter

Dear Twilight Sparkle,

I proudly inform you that while you were busy at the Gala, I’ve acquired my own army of minions to help me in my endeavor to destroy your pathetic existence.
I have not only tamed the rock-rats living in the walls of your castle, but I’m in the process of awakening their minds so they become smarter than any help you may gather to defend yourself.
Expect plagues, chewed books, and waking up covered in tiny paws before being bitten by a piranha-like swarm of tiny rodents.

Your skillful enemy,
Starlight Glimmer.

PS: How was the Gala? I never got the opportunity to go to one.

Dear Starlight Glimmer,

I thank you for foolishly making me aware of your plan. I’ve already ordered a large batch of rat poison along with an extensive fumigation of the entire castle so I can finally get rid of you and your poor attempts at revenge.

Your unimpressed foe,
Twilight Sparkle.

PS: Galas are extremely boring, but they have their moments.

Dear Twilight Sparkle,

I heard that you were planning to “get rid” of some rodents in your house. I politely ask you that you don’t go through with this plan, since it would really make me sad and damage our friendship.

Your worried friend,
Fluttershy.

PS: I’m serious Twilight, don’t hurt the little things. I have the Lord of Chaos on my side.