It's been year now since I landed in this bland little plane, and the lack of anything worth doing is getting to me. No hot guys to flirt with, no good books to read, magical research facilities so primitive I would have to single handedly make an entire laboratory from the ground up in order to make any sort of progress on my projects. And it's not like I know how to make the instruments I need, not to mention a lot of the magical ores are absent from this plane. On the plus side, I've made some summoning contracts with some of the milder horrors prowling the edges of nearby void planes. When I do get back home, they'll make good presents to smooth over this latest unannounced leave of absence. The worst part, if any part can be said to be worst, is the upcoming wedding.

Luna and Anon have been getting increasingly unbearable to be around, and now they alternate between getting stressed about the wedding and mind-numbingly lovey-dovey with each other. Celestia isn't much better company. She has retreated into formality, offering sincere if shallow congratulations, and drowning herself in paperwork. I suspect that may be part of why she doesn't delegate as much as I have been taught a ruler should. Working through the loneliness is probably such an ingrained habit that she doesn't notice it anymore. Once again, I am unpleasantly reminded of my mother.

As for myself, I practice my spatial magic in one of the mostly desolate planes and tame my voidborne summons. Does that make me a screwy summon sorceress? I chew on my lip. I hope not, but I've heard stories of elves driven mad on the edge of civilization by the lack of access to the Great Web of Gossip. At least one benefit of being cut off from the mobius rumor mill is that I can wear whatever I want without worrying about how it will impact my reputation. This goes double for the ponies; they merely comment on how glad they are that I am no longer risking overheating. I roll my eyes at the idea that I could be bested by mere heat, but most ponies are genuinely relieved, so I let it pass. Part of me wishes someone, anyone, would actually react to me walking around in lingerie, but so far only Anon glares at me.

Like he is right now, at the quarterly princess meeting. I smirk, jutting my elegant chest out for his "benefit". Luna notices something amiss and pauses in her report on the state of Dreaming.

"Dearest, is something wrong?"

He hisses an answer.

"She's being slutty again!"

Cadance and Luna exchange a glance and roll their eyes. Celestia smirks a little, turning her head slightly so that Anon cannot see her expression. Twilight looks up from her notes.

"Really? She seems sensibly dressed to me."

Anon huffs and resolutely turns away from me.

"Not to me, and not even for where she's from."

Luna frowns.

"She's adapting to Equestrian culture, dearest. Perhaps you could consider following her example a little? I don't like how mares look at your clothes, even if I know it's just your culture."

Anon crosses his arms, not willing to argue against his fiancée, but too stubborn to make such a concession. I nod, my face a perfect mask of concern.

"Your face is quite red, perhaps you should take off your shirt to cool down?"

There is a general murmur of agreement, and Anon actually scrunches. I hadn't thought humans had the necessary anatomy to pull off that expression, but somehow, he manages it. Luna nuzzles his cheek.

"For me?"

At last, he sighs and shucks off his shirt.

"Only because it's you who is asking."

I leer at him.

"Much better."

He glares at me again, and Cadence gives me a flat look.

"El, you've had your fun, stop teasing him."

I adopt a more neutral posture and expression.

"Very well. I believe Luna was reporting on the dream realm?"

Celestial gives me an approving smile, and Luna shrugs.

"Not much more to say, just a slight uptick in nightmares due to a new horror book becoming popular."

Twilight makes a note of that, then straightens in her chair.

"My turn then. With the help of Princess Ellowynelle's expertise,"

I nod graciously in acknowledgement.

"I believe I have found the next crucial step towards finding his home dimension. If we are very careful, we can make a series of time travel loops around the time of Anon's arrival, and get enough readings for a thaumic signature, and maybe even what general direction his home is in."

The human looks interested, but not particularly eager. I can hardly blame him, if I had found a significantly wealthy, powerful, and loving partner here, going home would have a lesser appeal than what otherwise might be. Celestia frowns.

"What happens if something goes wrong?"

Twilight shrugs.

"If we get the sequence wrong, the pressure of a paradox will block any further time travel spells in the vicinity of that event. Worst case scenario is that we only get three readings instead of the scores the plan would allow for."

Celestia looks at me.

"Any other risks you are aware of?"

I shrug.

"I may be biased, having contributed to the plan, but it seems perfectly safe. We'll just be looking through portals, not actually going through. No interference, no anachronisms, should be good."

The princess of the sun nods decisively.

"Then you have my go ahead. Luna?"

She smiles a bit at being included.

"Mine as well. It would be nice to meet the in-laws before hitching to Anon's plow."

All of us stare at the man that shot through the portal, rupturing the spell. He reminds me of a dwarf: burly and short, with calloused hands from his craft. He also swears like a dwarf, so it takes some time for Anon to calm him down and explain things. Seems this Incognito is a sculptor or something and came from a different plane than Anon, but they seem to get along alright. Regardless, he doesn't have much magical potential, so I mentally slot him into the "to be toyed with" category. More interestingly, Cadance detects traces of love magic on him, even if they are rapidly dissipating. Not really useful to me, but interesting nonetheless.

It isn't long before I get bored enough to pay a visit to the newest interplanar castaway. He's in his workshop, chipping away at a block of marble. I lean against the doorframe, arching my back and lifting one leg.

"Would you like some help with that? I have a spell that will turn it into whatever you like."

Incognito doesn't even look up from chiseling.

"I'm not going to have sex with you."

I blink.

"What?"

He grunts.

"Anonymous told me about you. Said you were a huge slut."

I growl. I were looking forward to making a man blush again, but now it's all ruined.

"Of course he did. But you don't really believe him, do you?"

The sculptor snorts.

"I don't need to believe him; I've seen your type before. You care nothing for anyone other than yourself, always taking, never giving. And I want none of that. So once again, I'm not going to have sex with you."

I grit my teeth. He's wrong about me, of course, but the blunt suggestion that he is somehow not interested in me gets under my skin more than I would like to admit.

"Like you would be so lucky. I'm a princess and we have standards, which quite frankly, you don't meet."

With that, I teleport to Twilight's personal library in Canterlot. I select a book at random from her secret stash and settle in for some trashy romance. My irritation gradually fades as I lose myself in a world where a stallion surrenders himself to the powerful mare who deigns to love him. At least the literature on this plane is sensible, even if some of its recent inhabitants are not.

A few weeks later, I am eating breakfast in my favorite armored bikini. I look up at the sense of people approaching me. Anon and Incognito stand before me, shirtless and solemn. I quirk an eyebrow.

"Good morning?"

Synchronized, they raise their right arms to the side, their left arms bent, concealing their faces.

"We're not going to have sex with you!"

They say in chorus. My face is a rictus of rage.

“Shut up! And stop that!"

"Not going to have sex with you!"

Luna, the traitor, is giggling. Celestia strolls in, her mane mussed. She takes one look and shakes her head in amusement.

"It's merely coltish whimsy, Lowyn. Pay them no mind and they'll stop soon enough."

My eye twitches.

"I'd rather banish them to the void and let them choke on nothingness."

Celestia tuts.

"Now now, I know banishing your problems seems like a good idea, but they have a nasty habit of coming back when it's most inconvenient."

She sits down and thanks a waiter for the pancakes he sets before her. At least her arrival distracts the nuisances; Anon nudges Incognito. The sculptor takes a deep breath and walks to Celestia. She pauses at his approach, fork floating in midair. Incognito licks his lips.

"I am furious."

Celestia's brows draw together in concern.

"I'm sorry, what are you-"

He continues.

"I am furious about how perfect a horse you are."

She blinks.

"Thank... you?"

He clenches his fists.

"Your fur looks so soft and silky, yet no one is petting it."

Celestia is beginning to blush.

"Yes?"

Incognito glares at her.

"You've dedicated so much of your life to everyone else's happiness, thinking nothing of your own."

She smiles sheepishly.

"Well, I do have cake from time to time..."

He shakes his head.

"That's not good enough. You need someone to pet you, and tell you how good you are, and give you smooches, and warm your bed at night."

Celestia's face gets redder and redder as he goes on.

"Are you... volunteering?"

Incognito nods.

"If you'll have me."

Celestia's wings slowly extend, her tail lashing.

"Let us discuss this further... in private."

And then they both vanish in a flash of golden light. Meanwhile, Anon has made his way over to Luna's side, and they are nuzzling again. I banish my breakfast with a thought, my appetite ruined. I teleport once more to Twilight's library and bury myself in soothing stories.