"Okay, so where are we going now?" Searing had, after the initial freakout, mostly gotten over the fact that she was breathing in space. The fact that she was stuck in a gaudy, cheap, and clearly used covered wagon that Discord was pulling with a bicycle was more irritating than anything in comparison.

"Somewhere that I like to visit occasionally," Discord said as he rang the bell on the handlebar. "I just need to get to the right section of space."

"Just pick one! It's all empty space and we're between galaxies. Why does it matter?"

"Because of inexplicable and arbitrary reasons. The best kind. Ah, here we are." Discord came to a stop and knocked on the empty space. "Hey, chaos buddy! I brought a friend!"

"Ohohohohohohohohoho!" A high pitched spinning laughter sounded from the other side. "Come on i~n!"

Discord opened the empty space and pulled his unicorn travel buddy out of the wagon and into it. "Here we are. A realm of pure chaos! A realm where the strongest can fall and the weakest could change anything. Perhaps. My chaos buddy lives here, and is one of the strongest in the. . . Well, you can't really call it land, can you?"

"MY EYES!" Searing shouted as she looked at the surroundings, where landscapes melded and broke like clay, where the future affected the past in the present, where absolutely nothing made any sense.

"Audible sigh. Must I do everything?" Discord pulled out an eyedropper and dropped some liquid into Searing's eyes. "That better?"

"What. . . What am I looking at?" Searing shakily asked.

"The Warp, my dear. You'll get used to it soon enough."

A blue humanoid thing suddenly appeared. "Discord! It is so good to see you! Or it isn't. Maybe I'm hungry. Who knows?"

"Hi Tzeentch!" Discord happily greeted with an ocean wave, soaking only the unicorn. "Searing, this is a fellow chaos god. Fellow chaos god, this is Searing Victory."

Tzeentch didn't so much move as he did distort around to look at Searing. "Oooooh! A sapient unicorn! And she's quoting Sly Marbo too!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-"

"Hm, tone's all wrong. Still, A for effort."

"-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-"

"Cut her some slack, buddy," Discord said. "We haven't been here for long."

"-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-"

"Her head's not going to explode, right?" Tzeentch asked. "I'd hate to lose something precious like her."

"-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-"

"Don't worry, amigo," Discord said with an Italian accent. "I already gave her the Gellar eyedrops. She won't be exploding from The Warp by itself anytime soon."

"-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-"

Tzeentch scrutinized the screaming mare. "Good set of lungs on this one. Can you stop her though?"

"If I must." Discord snapped a blindfold over Searing's eyes.

"-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. . . . . . . . That thing's still there, isn't it?" Searing asked as she calmed down a bit.

"Tzeentch is still here."

"But really, what even is 'here' anyways?" the Warp resident asked. "More importantly though; Discord, it's about time we settled the score."

"What score?" Searing asked.

"I agree," Discord said in an uncharacteristically serious tone. "How are we going to do it though?"

Tzeentch giggled? "Why so serious? It's just a children's card game." A deck of cards appeared next to him.

"I take my children's card games very seriously," Discord, sporting some marx glasses, a rainbow afro wig, and a polka dot jacket, seriously said as he produced a similar deck of cards.

"What about me?" Searing asked.

"Get a mecha throne, sit down, and watch," Tzeentch suggested. "Or listen. Or go for a walk. Or don't. Whatever you want, really."

"I. . . I guess I'll just float here."

"Excellent choice!"

"Who goes first, though?" Discord asked.

"Let's get someone else to decide that. Hey, Nurgle!" Searing carefully pulled her blindfold down just a bit, and was rewarded with the sight of a toothy green blob behind a cauldron of something that made her feel sick just looking at it. She quickly put the blindfold back on.

"WhAt Is It NoW, TzEeNtCh?" Nurgle tiredly asked.

"Discord or me. Who goes first in our game?"

"DiScOrD. I hAtE hIm LeSs ThAn YoU." Nurgle noticed Searing. "NiCe UnIcOrN yOu'Ve GoT tHeRe."

"No, Nurgle, she's not yours to play with," Discord said. "That honor belongs exclusively to me."

"Hey!" Searing shouted with righteous indignation.

"Oh. WeLl, FiNe ThEn," Nurgle said as he left. "SeE iF I iNvItE yOu To My NeXt PaRaSiTe PaRtY."

"Well, now that the plague isn't plaguing us anymore, let's play," Tzeentch said as he drew seven cards.

Discord, likewise, drew seven cards. "Hmm. . . I put down an Island first."

Searing suddenly heard waves, smelled tropical fruit, and felt damp sand beneath her hooves. She carefully levitated her blindfold off and saw that she, Discord, and Tzeentch were on an island, complete with attractive beachgoers and shorefront storefronts. "What the. . ." With nothing else to do, she went over to one of the drink bars and got herself a smoothie.

"I'll put one card face down for now, and then the Ace of Hearts." Searing turned at the sound of the summoning and was surprised to see Kamen Rider Chalice standing there. "And with that, I end my turn."

"Aaaaalrighty then." Tzeentch drew a card and snickered(?). "A good one. I'll save it for later. Not!" He put down a blue Reverse card. "I switch your Ace of Hearts over to my side." Chalice disappeared, then reappeared on Tzeentch's side. "Then I'll have him move two green spaces towards you." A card with two green squares was put down and Chalice moved along a squiggly prismatically paved path that was suddenly there. "Now, Discord, do you have any rrrrrrrrolling pins?"

"Go fish."

Tzeentch distorted a shrug. "Oh well." He drew a card. "Okay, your turn."

Discord drew a card. "Hmm. . ."

As Searing sipped her drink, she turned to the bartender. "Hey, what are they playing?"

"Paradox-Billiards-Vostroyan Roulette-Fourth Dimensional-Hypercube-Chess-Strip Poker Electric Boogaloo Part 5: Limited Purple Tomato Edition," the bartender said without missing a beat. "Also known as a children's card game."

"Are they the only ones who play it?"

"There's an emperor, one of his sons, and one of his retainers that also play a version of it. The retainer's even beaten Tzeentch once. Don't know who else plays, though."

"Let's up the ante, Discord," Tzeentch firmly stated as he put a card down some turns later. "We're making it an Ultra Game!"

"Fine by me!" Discord lifted a plate of freshly cooked steaks up into the air. "Loser spends a month in Ultramar!"

A synchronized gasp came from everyone on the beach. "Why is that so bad?" Searing innocently asked.

The bartender answered. "It may not be bad for you, but for them, it's a realm of pure order. The Ultramarines would tear them apart in a week if they showed up in that system."

"That is going to be fun to watch!" Tzeentch proclaimed. "Anyways, that ends my turn."

Discord drew a card. "I play Charmander!" A little orange bipedal lizard with a flame on the tip of its tail came out of a red and white ball on Discord's side. "Now I'll put down a Mountain." As soon as the red card was down, a mountain appeared in the middle of the island, oozing lava and smoke. "Now I will tap both of my lands-" time seemed to pause around Searing as everything went gray. "And I will evolve Charmander to its Mega Charizard X stage." The little orange lizard suddenly became a big, black dragon with blue flames and big claws.

"Hey, you can't just skip the Charmeleon and Charizard stages like that!"

"Check the card." Discord tossed the card to Tzeentch.

"Oooohhhh. Okay." Tzeentch tossed the card back.

"Now I attack your Rider with Dragon Claw!"

"Not so fast!" Tzeentch put down a three star monster, Mysterious Fridge, in its defense position. A normal white fridge appeared in front of Chalice, and as soon as Charizard was close, a bunch of alligators came out to bite down on it.

"I have no idea what's going on," Searing said.

Over an hour and three smoothies later, Searing had, against all odds, gotten bored watching Discord and Tzeentch play their game. The terrain had changed numerous times, a few attacks had gotten through to each player, leaving wounds that were obviously just colored construction paper taped on them, and there was litter all over the place.

"I'll take a mug of. . . Something," the unicorn said. "The good stuff."

"Aye!" The bartender put the requested drink on the bar for her. "Trying to pass out while they keep playing?"

"Nope." Searing chugged the mug's contents. Twenty seconds later, she slammed and broke the empty container on the counter. "I'm going to *hic* oooohhhhhh. . . I'm going to join their game!" Discord and Tzeentch, both with an army of all kinds of things that were completely out of scale with each other (or maybe they weren't?), were so focused on each other, they didn't notice Searing toss their imp bouncer into the ocean.

Searing drew seven cards from a deck that wasn't there a moment ago and looked them over. "I have no idea what I'm doing. . . I'll start with this." She put down a card and caught the chaos players' attention. "I play Armored Paratrooper Battalion!" A bunch of soldiers appeared above the field, dropping grenades into the field and shattering much of the armies. As they landed, they formed a circle, pointing their guns all around. "And a Go To Ultrajail card!" Her soldiers were suddenly in Ultrajail.

"What is she planning?" Tzeentch asked.

"I throw in a bucket of fishing snacks!" The bucket of fishing snacks appeared on the jail, and every enemy with an appetite started scrambling over each other to get to them. "Done."

Discord drew a card. "Well, I think I can work with this. I summon the Negative Event Word Sayers." A television crew with an attractive female host suddenly appeared at the jail, blathering on with all kinds of hateful words and messages. "Hmm. . . Alright. Searing, do you have any anchors that can counter mine? If not, things will be very bad for you."

"VENGEFUL ANCHOR!" Searing threw a card in Discord's direction.

Discord caught the card and looked at it. "This is just a bullseye."

"Dheeeeeeelmiiiiiiise!" The anchor pokemon flew out of the card and into Discord's face with a vengeance. Tzeentch couldn't help but giggle(?) like a maniac as the NEWS crew lost morale, their network's funding having been totally wrecked by the anchor.

"Well played, Searing," Discord said with a slow clap, somehow calm in spite of the attacking anchor.

"I have no idea what I'm doing!" Searing shouted as she totally ignored Tzeentch's turn and drew three cards. "And you, you mollusk, you're getting. . . Uhm. . . This volcano I can't pronounce!"

"I already have five mountains, but thank you," Tzeentch said. "What's your named one done?"

"I don't know! I play TORGUE!"

Mister Torgue High Five Flexington suddenly appeared. "WOOHOO! ADVENTURE! MEEDLY MEEDLY MOW! HEY, POP QUIZ: WHAT EXACTLY IS A VOLCANO? TIME'S UP! IT'S A MOUNTAIN THAT EXPLODES! KABOOM!" All of Tzeetch's volcanoes exploded at once.

"What? Nooooo!" Tzeentch was disappointed. "I was saving those!"

"Now I cast *hic* firing squad!" Searing announced as she lost her balance.

Three men in nice suits walked up to Tzeentch. "You're fired," they calmly said at the same time.

Tzeentch twitched around in irritation. "What? Noooooooo! Why?"

"Failure to show up to work on time, numerous dress code violations, scaring and confusing customers, obvious computer hacking for personal gain, pretending to be management, placing derogatory posters everywhere, and leaving the break room fridge door open."

"Hey, the seal on that door was already bad when I got there!"

"That doesn't matter." With surprising speed, they loaded Tzeentch into a cannon, then fired it.

"I'll get you back for thiiiiiiis!" Tzeentch shouted as he blasted off into The Warp.

Discord took his turn. "I play Automated Car and Reference Material!" The two cards summoned the Tridoron. "What will you do now?"

Searing got back to her hooves. "Seven of Spades!" She threw the card down.

Nothing happened.

They stared at it for a minute longer, and still nothing happened.

Tzeentch suddenly fell back in out of nowhere, Discord serving as the crash pad. "I'm back, little unicorn!"

"Ace of Spades!" Searing shouted as she threw the card at Tzeentch. "Times two!" Another card was thrown at him.

"What's that supposed to do?" Tzeentch waited as nothing happened.

A minute later, and still nothing happened.

Then Shovel Knight fell onto Tzeentch from above, quickly followed by an orange bearded Trolldier wearing a tall orange and white striped hat with a purple aura.

"I win!" Searing happily shouted. "Now both of you can go to Ultramar!"

"What? Nooooooooo!!!" The chaos entities shouted in perfect harmony as the mess disappeared and turned back into normal(?) Warp space.

"Then do something for me!"

"Nope!" Tzeentch noped out of the scene.

"Discord. . ."

Discord nervously tapped his fingers together. "Ummm. . ."

Searing got tired of waiting a few seconds later and decided to start fighting him.

"I hope you're feeling better," Discord said from his full body cast.

"Oh yeah," Searing smugly said as she inspected one of her forehooves.

"Now we just have to wait for me to heal and then we can go."

Discord leapt out of the cast, good as new. "Alright! Onwards, Searing!"

The mare was asleep, and didn't wake up at Discord's proclamation.

"Oh alright." He wrapped her up in a blanket that looked like a tortilla, then teleported away with his Searing Victory Burrito.

Author's Notes:

Children's card games can be so much fun, especially when consistency is thrown out the window.