Author's Notes:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1qzURc7VPF35i59J-OOfGn2uj-YkkIrFWG9Ff7gV9pzc/edit

By the time the sun rose, I had written three plays and started on a dozen others before I realized I didn’t remember enough to write them down correctly. If I ever did get them published, I wouldn’t do it under my name; I’m not a thief. I giggled to myself as I leaned back as far as my wings would let me. I finally have a use for my real name.

I achingly got to my legs and went to the bathroom. Everything in there finished, I started strapping on some more weapons. Busy day. Gotta see Rarity, gotta find where Applejack hid all her booze, got to find Pinkie and Fluttershy and bring them to Chrysalis, got to get tested by Twilight if she ever made the poison, probably have to see Cadance eventually, and I’ll probably have to be there when the love poison is tested with the changelings.

I’m getting too old for this shit. No wonder Celestia is such a troll.

I opened my door, humming a little song, and bumped into an ugly bug-pony that resolved into Doppel when I brushed the crust from my eyes. “My apologies, dear,” I said as I pulled her to her feet. “Looking for me, or do you just enjoy standing outside doors?”

“You seem awfully chipper,” she said harshly. Not a morning person, I suppose. “The queen wants you.”

“Can you take the shape of anything, or does it have to be something alive?”

“What does that have to do with—”

“Because if you could be a walking, talking teddy bear, that would be adorable.”

She looked at me for a moment and saw the goofy grin on my face. She frowned. “That counts as permission.”

A minute later, a walking, talking grizzly bear dragged my giggling form through Chrysalis’s door.

“What is the meaning of this?” Chrysalis demanded. “What did you do to him?”

Doppel changed back to her own form. “He was acting kinda funny. I thought it best he be brought as quickly as possible.”

I pushed myself to my feet and found I couldn’t get the smile off my face. “I think we fucked up by taking that sorrow away. I haven’t felt this good in years. I was up all night writing tragedy, and I feel great!” She looked at me with her glowing green eyes and opened her mouth, but I said, “You know, you really look awesome. Can I t—Holy fuck what is wrong with me?”

“Can you touch what?”

“Your wings. They look—No.” I pulled a dagger out and slashed it across my palm and concentrated on the pain. I felt my mind slowly fall back to calmness. I looked back up to Chrysalis, who was staring at me with concern. “Nice try.”

She glared at me. “This was not my doing, Navarone. I told you that what we tried was untested; I have never taken sorrow before. And if you truly do wish to touch my wings, you will have to get your hand looked at first; I will not have you running blood over any part of my body.”

“Fair enough. I’ll bring Pinkie and Fluttershy by when I can either make time or find them. I’ll try to do one at a time, to spare your sanity.”

“Thank you, Navarone. I don’t suppose I could trouble your mind a bit more?”

“No. The only thing keeping my mind clear right now is the pain; I will not risk doing further damage to my mental state until I know how to control the effects. You should have plenty of food when we test the love poison, whenever we do that. If you want, I can lead Doppel to the library so you can send her to get books whenever you need them.”

Her eyes looked to my hand. “Should you not get that taken care of?”

“It’ll close in a few minutes. Another one of the spells over me deadens physical sensations, and decreases healing times. Sex isn’t as much fun, but I feel a whole lot less pain.”

She grinned at that. “We’ll see about that.” She turned to her maid, who was flipping through one of the books I brought. “Doppel, follow Navarone to the library. I suppose he will tell you what else to do.”

She stood and saluted before trotting to my side.

Chrysalis turned her gaze back to me. “Navarone, try to keep your mind clear. I believe you will be more useful to me with your mind distant.”

“Thanks. I think. Doppel should be back shortly; it isn’t a long walk.” With a nod, we left the room.

“Doesn’t that hurt?” she asked when we started down the hall to the library.

“Yes. Quite a bit. That’s the point.” We stopped in my room to grab a small towel that I wrapped around the hand.

On the way to the library, she said, “I don’t know how you knew the queen liked those terrible romance novels, but that got you a bunch of brownie points with her. And then pretending it was for me? You’re lucky she didn’t take you there on the floor.”

“That would have been awkward.” Especially with Fluttershy right there. And if Luna had walked in? Oh man, both of our heads would have been on pikes. “It’s a good thing you run a tighter ship than that; I can’t imagine you ever letting her get away with something that… naughty.”

She sighed wistfully. “I do try to look after her, but sometimes she’s just such a handful. Royalty can be such a pain.”

I let out a laugh. “Don’t I know it.” I’ve caught Luna and Celestia both giving me looks in relatively public places ever since that damn bet I agreed to.

We were catching looks from the passing servants and glares from the passing guards. After the fifth guard dropped into a fighting stance upon seeing Doppel, I said, “Feel free to turn into any pony you like that isn’t a princess.”

She turned into Blueblood.

“Smartass. You know what I meant.” She turned into a random servant. “Eh, that works. Just no seducing anyone when you aren’t in your regular shape. If you do manage to seduce someone here as your real shape, feel free to change into whatever they want, if they’re into roleplaying or something.”

She smiled. “It’s amazing what you hear when you sit on the wall as a bug. I believe there are a few human fetishists here.”

“Well, that’s not something I needed—or wanted—to hear. Since you don’t actually know what I look like with my pants off, good luck figuring that one out.”

“I have a good imagination; I’ve been doing this a while. Usually I’m the one that infiltrates, but the queen decided to take this matter into her own hooves.”

“Well, just be careful here. Chrysalis is too useful to be banished because you fuck up.”

“You know, as long as you keep feeding me, you’ll never have to worry about it…”

“Are you… blackmailing me?”

“Well when you put it like that, it makes what I’m doing seem wrong! I’m just ensuring I get fed. Is that really so bad?”

“When we get to the library, you can take a few more memories. But you’re not doing that in the hall.” Especially not if she’ll want to turn into whoever she reads from my mind.

“I’ll count the moments…” That’s not creepy or anything.

Luckily for her, we weren’t that far from the library. I led the way in and she gasped. “I’ve never seen so many books!”

“You work here, Rose Dancer,” the librarian said. “Are you feeling okay?”

Doppel grinned and turned back to her real form, causing the librarian to jump and scream. She shushed him. “This is a library, you old bat! You’re supposed to be quiet in here!”

He fainted. “Okay, I’ll admit, that was hilarious,” I said. “Now come on. I don’t want anyone to see you ripping into my mind.”

Unfortunately, Twilight and Taya were in the library and came running at the librarian’s shout. “Nav, what’s wr—oh. It’s you,” Twilight said, glaring at Doppel.

Taya was staring at my hand. “What happened to you?”

“I cut myself shaving. It’s nothing big.”

Twilight looked at my face. “You still have… stubble, I believe you called it.”

“Well yeah, Twilight, it grows back. I mean, it’s hair!”

Doppel giggled. Twilight glared at her. Taya said, “But why were you shaving your hands? I didn’t know hair grew there.”

Only if you’re Catholic. “It’s been a while since I last shaved; I was really out of practice.”

Now Doppel was just outright laughing. Twilight shifted her glare to me.

“You might want to help the librarian,” I said. “He seems kind of out of it right now.”

“Navarone, we need to talk,” Twilight said through grated teeth.

“Can it wait a few minutes? Doppel needs to feed.”

“No. It can’t.”

I shrugged. “Then she can do it here.” I bent down a bit but found that I was being floated off by a purple aura. “I guess not. Doppel, head on back; I think I’m in trouble.” Doppel giggled and shifted back to the maid before trotting away.

Twilight floated me back to the stacks. Taya followed. Without letting me go, Twilight demanded, “Just what do you think you’re doing, Navarone?”

“Right now, I think I’m getting floated around. This is kinda fun; you should try it.” I nodded down to Taya, who picked Twilight up in a light orange aura, causing Twilight to lose concentration and drop me. “It is not fun enough to do it against my will, however.”

“Taya, let me go.” Taya didn’t, but looked up to me. I nodded and Twilight fell to the ground. “Navarone, you are getting way too close to that… that thing! Both of them! Were you actually going to let her feed off your emotions?”

“It would have been Doppel’s second session with me, yeah. Chrysalis has been at my mind three times already. Why?”

Twilight’s eyes seemed to go impossibly wide. “Navarone, they’re brainwashing you! Can’t you see it?”

I clenched my hand and brought it up. “I’m not entirely positive they are. I think my mind is just reacting oddly to the emotions they’re taking; I haven’t thought about some of them in a long time, and having them pull them from my mind is relieving me of stress I long ago forgot I was bearing. I was meaning to talk to Celestia about that today to see if she can see any evidence of mind-rape.”

“Then that’s where we are going.”

“I was planning on seeing Rarity first, actually. And I need to bring Pinkie and Fluttershy by to see Chrysalis; I know Celestia usually doesn’t start seeing people until around noon.”

Twilight’s eyes narrowed. “We are going right now. And you aren’t bringing any of our friends near that monster!”

“Twilight, I think you might be a little bit biased. I mean, she just tried to kill your brother and doom your entire country.”

“Are you even listening to yourself?”

“Oh God no. I tune out just about everything I say because I know I’d slap myself if I ever heard any of it.” Taya giggled.

“What would you do if she tried to kill your sister and take over your world?”

“Twilight, she became my sister. I punched her in the face.” She smiled at that. “If it’ll make you feel better, though, I can push my meeting to Celestia up. But I still need to see the others.”

“They can wait. I can’t lose you to that… thing.”

“Fiiiine. Let’s go.”

We started off, out of the library. After we got out of it, Taya said, “Can I heal your hand?”

I jerked it up. “No. That… That would be a bad idea.”

Twilight looked at me. “Why? What’s wrong?”

“The pain is the only thing keeping me clear-headed. I was in an unbearably good mood earlier, and I had to do something to force my mind open.”

Twilight stopped. “What?”

I grimaced. “I was up all night trying to copy some really famous stories from my world. All of them are tragedies. That, combined with Chrysalis taking some of my old pain, put me in the best mood I’ve been in since the last time I can remember. It was awful… I actually asked to touch Chrysalis’s wings before I decided enough was enough.”

Twilight’s mouth dropped. I looked over to Taya and saw she had a similar reaction. After a moment they looked at each other. I took a step back, further down the hall. They nodded. I took another step. They turned to me with shark-like grins. I turned and bolted and didn’t make three steps before a brown aura surrounded me and stopped me.

I was spun around, left to face two grinning unicorns. “Taya, what are you doing?”

“Making you happy, of course.”

“That is highly unnecessary.”

She shrugged. “You’ll get over it.”

I felt a warmth in my body and my hand stopped throbbing. I tried concentrating deeper but couldn’t feel a thing. Oh shit. The aura around me dropped and I thudded to the ground. The two of them looked at me expectantly.

I swallowed. “Nothing I say and do in the next few hours will ever be mentioned again. I already feel my mind… changing.”

They both giggled. Twilight started walking past me. While she walked past I put my hand on her mane and ran my fingers through it.

“I don’t touch your hair enough… It’s really soft!”

Twilight stared at me. I was busy scooping Taya in my arms and putting her on my back, giving her a piggyback ride of sorts.

When I realized that I was giving a pony a ride instead of a pony giving me a ride, I started giggling.

“Twilight, I think we broke him…”

I said, “Taya, when was the last time you got to be this tall? Oh, when we get to Celestia, you should grab her crown and hold it out of her reach!”

Twilight looked a bit alarmed at that. “I think I underestimated his idea of a good mood.”

“I feel fine, guys,” I said. “Better than I have in a while, actually. My mind feels a bit… off… but otherwise I feel fine.” I looked around and saw we were near a window. I stopped and looked out it. “God, who commissioned that fuck-ugly statue? They should be shot. And that statue should be crushed.”

Twilight looked out the window and gasped. “The princess commissioned that statue, Nav!”

“Well, she has shitty taste. Come on, I want to see how long it takes her to realize her crown is gone. I bet I can distract her by making her notice how long her snout is compared to everypony else’s.”

Twilight squeaked. I looked at her and noticed how brightly she was blushing.

I blinked. “Holy fuck.” I shook my head and tried to concentrate. After a second, I pulled my knife out again and slit my other hand open. I put the knife away and turned to Twilight. “You stop your shit. Now let’s go.” She followed, her tail low. I moved the blood-soaked towel to my other hand. I stopped. “Why is there a filly on my back?”

“Because you put me up here,” Taya said.

“Oh. Well, if you want to come down, just tell me.” I started walking again. “With all the weapons on my back, I can’t imagine it’s really that comfortable.”

“Your wings are really soft,” is all she said.

“Fair enough. Just don’t touch them too much, please.”

“I won’t.”

“Twilight, where will I be able to find Pinkie, Fluttershy, Rarity, and Applejack? After I meet with Celestia, of course.”

“I’ll… I’ll tell you after. If you are brainwashed, I don’t want to risk them.”

“Eh, fair enough. Taya, if I start acting silly again, kick me in the back of the head.”

“Okay!”

“You sounded way too happy about that.” She didn’t answer. “So where are we going, anyway? Where is Celestia usually at this time in the morning?”

“Her private dining hall,” Twilight answered.

“And that is where, exactly?” I heard her sigh as she quickened her step to get in front of me to lead the way. “I’ve never noticed it before, but when you mares start walking, I can totally se—” Taya kicked me in the back of the head, knocking me flat on the ground. “Thank you.” I pushed myself to my knees and saw that Twilight was a shade of red that I didn’t think was possible. I got the rest of the way up. “I think we should walk side by side.”

She didn’t say anything. I started walking and she matched my speed.

“As I already said, nothing I just said or will be saying in the past few hours will ever be held against me. You brought this on yourself.” I pulled my dagger out and drew another slit on the same hand. “I’m going to need more towels.”

Twilight was muttering something. I decided it would be in my best interest to ignore her and try to lose myself in the pain. I was pretty far in, which is why I was a bit surprised when I saw a dark blue monster in front of me. I blinked and saw that it was just Luna.

“Navarone, why are you bleeding?” she asked.

“It’s just that time of the mo—” Taya kicked me in the head again. “Oh come on, that was the normal me!”

Taya just giggled. I’m surrounded by sadistic ponies.

“Here, let me heal you.”

I pulled back, almost going unbalanced because of Taya. “No, that would be a bad idea.”

Luna frowned. “I’m not going to let you bleed in front of me, Nav. Now stop acting like a foal and let me heal you.”

“He’s right, Princess,” Twilight said. “It would be a bad idea to heal him right now.”

Luna looked at her with eyes that should probably have been burning. “Fine. Why, Twilight Sparkle, should I let him bleed?”

Twilight stepped up and whispered something in Luna’s ear. Luna turned bright red, flicked her eyes to me and then to Taya, and then burst out laughing. “If he’s going to do that to ‘Tia I’m definitely going to heal him!” She took a step toward me.

“Taya, sic her!” I bent down a bit so Taya could get a clear line of jump. Luna stopped. Twilight face-hoofed. After a moment, Taya kicked me in the back of the head.

I straightened. “Note to self—Princesses are immune to filly attacks.”

Luna was frowning. “Yes, I see what you mean. There is definitely something wrong with him. Navarone, you do know that notes to one’s self are generally personal and not something to be shared, right?”

“Well, I figured it would help Twilight if she ever had a filly of her own. Or Taya, if she did.”

Luna just shook her head. “Come on, Nav. Celestia is still eating breakfast. I was on my way to bed, but I think this is more important.”

She turned and led the way to a small side door. She opened it and went inside. I heard Celestia say, “Back already? Did you think on my proposal?”

Luna sighed as she stepped in further. “I already told you no. The other two would never agree anyway. Now come in, you three.”

I pushed my way in, ducking extra low so Taya didn’t hit her head. Twilight followed me. “Oh hello Nav. And Taya and Twilight. Wait, why are you bleeding?”

I sighed. “Blah blah blah.” I grabbed Twilight’s mouth with my non-bleeding hand and squeezed it open a few times while saying “Blah blah blah.” I stopped and stood back up. “Blah blah bl—” I reached around and grabbed Taya’s hoof and gently hit myself in the head.

“I see. Well, come forward. I will try to see how much damage Chrysalis did; I told you to be careful with her.” Wow, Celestia is really good. Pinkie would be impressed.

“Twilight, can you get Taya down? I don’t want to bleed on her.” I felt the filly gently ease off my back and I stepped up to Celestia.

“Sit, Nav. This shouldn’t hurt unless I have to push past a guard. And if Chrysalis put a guard in your mind, it’s going to hurt a lot.”

“Before we start, what all are you going to be able to see in there? If you can see my memories, I’ll just take my chances.”

“The only thing I’ll see with this spell is if you are being controlled. If you are, I might have to check some of your most recent memories to know how best to break that control, but I will not go back farther than two days.”

I sat. She moved her horn in close to my head and it started glowing. While she was concentrating, I eyed her crown. I could totally grab it. I looked away but eventually my eyes darted back. It would be so funny, man. I closed my eyes, trying to feel what she was doing. Eventually my eyes opened again and I was left looking at her crown. Just as my hand was lifting up, she pulled back.

“You are fine, Navarone. Chrysalis didn’t d—What are you doing?”

I snatched my hand back down. “Nothing.” I heard Luna and Taya giggling behind me. Celestia opened her mouth but I said, “Are you technically bald?” Her eyes went wide and I heard Twilight gasp. Luna burst out laughing. “I mean, whatever that stuff is made of it isn’t really hair, right?” While Celestia was trying to formulate a response, I looked around the room a bit. “Hey, why are you eating cake for breakfast?”

“Maybe… Maybe I missed something…”

“I feel really good today,” I said. I could feel two halves of my mind fighting. Whatever Chrysalis did, it really screwed up my mind. “No wonder Shining Armor had that goofy grin on his face.” His expression was mostly blank while he was brainwashed, but his smile was hilarious.

“Navarone, look at me,” Celestia said. I turned to her and saw her eyes. “I need permission to go into your mind. I will only look through the past day.”

I pulled the dagger from my belt and set it on the table. “Never discuss a single thing you see with anyone. Including me. See what you need and find the solution and tell me what to do. Those are my terms.” I could feel my mind splitting, the dark side taking control sometimes and the strange new side taking control at others.

“Deal. Close your eyes.” Before I did, I saw Twilight edging closer. She probably wanted to see this magic being used. My eyes slid closed.

I saw an intense light filtering through my eyelids. I heard two gasps and assumed Luna knew what was coming and had her eyes closed as well. And then I saw and heard nothing.

My eyes shot open sometime later. I saw Celestia pacing. Luna had apparently left some time ago. Twilight was gone and Taya was lying on my back. Apparently I fell out of my chair at some point. I pushed myself up a bit to a sitting position and Taya hopped off.

Celestia looked over. “Good, you’re awake. Twilight is combing through records, trying to find evidence of Chrysalis ever coming to Equestria; I don’t remember, but I was in a dark spot back then. Your mind is fine, just shaken up. With what you let her remove, the tumultuous balance you had in your mind was shattered. I suspect from what I was able to tell when I was in there that you will be stable in a day or two. I just have no idea where that will leave you. Now, I would really like to talk to you about some of your memories.”

“You agreed to not discuss them.”

“I did. And that is why I am not going to without your permission.”

“Which you will not get.” I pushed myself up the rest of the way so I was standing. I pulled my knife off the table and slipped it in a sheath. “Do you need me for anything today, or am I free to go about trying to fix the Chrysalis situation?”

“Twilight mentioned that the three fillies here knew how to make the love poison. I believe you know them. They are somewhere in the palace or on its grounds. If you could find them and bring them to the throne room, that would save me time. Then you need to go to talk to Rarity. After that, you are free until the love poison is ready to be tested.”

“Awesome. Come on, Taya. Let’s go find your friends.”

We had to walk past Celestia on the way to the door. When I was right next to her, I felt my hand twitching. “Don’t even think about it,” she warned.

“Taya, how fast can you run?”

“Navarone…”

“Why?”

“CHEESE IT!” I snatched Celestia’s crown and booked it.

I shot out the door and knocked Twilight down as she was walking in with a really old book. “Wha—Is tha—NAVARONE!”

“YOU GET BACK HERE NAVARONE!”

I was already out a window before Celestia’s voice called out the first syllable of my name, giggling the whole time. I knew it was probably really stupid. I flew straight up to try to break any line of sight, though I knew Celestia could bring me right to her if she wanted to. Given that the window I jumped out of was probably too small for her fat ass, she would have to if she really wanted me back. I flew around to the other side of the castle, to where I knew Rarity’s tower was. I went right into the open window and perched on it, peering inside.

She was at one of the mannequins. I stepped in and moved over to her as silently as possible. While her back was still turned, I dropped the crown on her head. “Navarone, what did you just put on me?”

“Promise me you won’t freak out.”

“Oh Celestia, tell me it’s not something icky!” Did she really just say that?

“No, it’s nothing gross. Just… promise me you won’t freak out.”

“I won’t, Navarone. I am a lady, after all.”

I walked over to a table and picked up a hand mirror and brought it back to her. She grabbed it with magic. “Nav… What. Is. That.”

“Celestia’s crown.”

She screamed.

“You’re freaking out, Rarity! You told me you wouldn’t freak out!”

“Oh Celestia… Oh Celestia… Get it off!” I reached out and plucked it off her head.

“Hey, do you know where your sister is?”

She was starting to hyperventilate.

“It’s just a simple question, Rarity, jeez.” She still couldn’t answer. “Fine. I’ll ask Applejack, then. I’ll be back in a few hours to talk about my armor.” I walked back over to the window, still holding the crown.

I had one foot up before she said, “Nav, wait!” And with that I was out, flying toward the door to the kitchens. It didn’t take me long to get there and I waltzed right in like I owned the place. I considered putting the crown on and pretending I did own it, but Celestia was already probably pissed and treason might push her a bit too far.

I saw Applejack in the center of a hubbub of activity. I pushed through the group, trying to conceal the crown as much as I could. I got up to her and said, “Hey AJ, do you know where Applebloom is?”

She didn’t look back, just continued stirring something. “I think she said they were going to the big maze thingy. They wanted to go in when they came here for a field trip a few years back but they were in a bit of a hurry. Why?” She finally turned around.

“Celestia wants to see them for a moment. Hey, what’s wrong?”

She was staring at the thing in my hands. “Nav, Imma ask you this once: Is that the princess’s crown?”

“Yeah. Why?”

Her mouth dropped open. I waited for a moment but she didn’t say anything. I shrugged and started leaving. I got to the door leading outside when Rarity burst in another door that leads to the palace. I pushed the door open as Rarity and Applejack both said, “Nav, wait!” I was out the door and into the air.

I’m having way too much fun with this. I flew over to the massive maze that seems to appear only when you’re looking for it. On the way, I ran into Rainbow Dash. “Hey Nav! I don’t see you up here that much. Where you headed?”

“The maze. Hey RD, you’re arrogant and egotistic, right?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I’m under the influence of some kind of mind-fuckery right now and I really can’t find any fucks to give. Do you know anyone here with a camera?”

“Pinkie always has something like that lying around. Why?”

“I have an idea for the most kickass picture ever. Where’s Pinkie?”

Rainbow Dash pointed straight down at a pretty large stage. “Somewhere down there.”

“Convenient. Come on.” We started going down.

It didn’t take us long to find Pinkie. Thankfully, Rainbow Dash never asked what it was we were doing and she never noticed that there was a crown in my hand.

“Oh, hey N—” She broke off with a massive intake of air that took me a second to realize was a gasp. “WHEREDIDYOUGETPRINCESSCELESTIA’SCROWN!”

“From her head, duh. You got a camera?”

Rainbow Dash stared at me, her mouth gaping. Pinkie reached behind her and pulled a camera from… somewhere. I reached over to Rainbow Dash and plopped the crown on her head. Unfortunately, it was made for the head of a unicorn—a much larger unicorn—and it sort of sank down on Rainbow’s head.

“Now strike a pose, Dashie!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed, holding up the camera.

“Navarone, I’m all for pranks, but this… This is probably illegal! We could get in trouble for this!”

“Remember that mind-fuckery I mentioned earlier? I find myself wanting to care about this, but I just can’t right now; I’m having too much fun. Now come on before we get caught.”

Pinkie Pie’s camera flashed and she giggled. “It’s too late to go back now, Dashie. Now let’s make it worth it!”

“Oh Celestia, I can’t believe I’m doing this…” Rainbow Dash muttered. With that said, she struck a very victorious pose. A few minutes later, Pinkie ran out of film. Rainbow Dash was much more into it, now. “None of those pictures ever get out, Pinkie,” she warned, still wearing the crown. “If anypony ever finds out about this, we’re all going straight to the dungeons.”

“Don’t worry about it!” Pinkie said. “I’ll just show a few friends! What’s the worst that could happen?”

Rainbow Dash was about to retort when we all heard galloping. We looked up and saw Applejack, Twilight, and Rarity running for us.

I snatched the crown. “Gotta jet. Good luck.” I jumped into the air.

I heard Pinkie behind me saying, “Hey girls, want to see some pictures?”

Twilight screamed, “YOU COME BACK HERE NAVARONE!” I was already too far away for either her or Rarity to get me. I am so going to pony hell for this.

I went straight to the maze, this time. I flew over it and saw the girls somewhere in the middle. I landed in it, right next to them.

“Hey Nav. Whatcha doin’?” Applebloom asked.

I waved the hand that didn’t have the crown. “Oh, you know. Running from royal guards and Twilight. Hey, you girls want to do me a favor?”

“What do you need?” Sweetie Belle asked.

“Drop this off in the royal throne room,” I said, dropping the crown on Sweetie Belle’s head.

Scootaloo and Applebloom gasped. Sweetie Belle looked up, trying to figure out what was on her head. “What is it?” she asked.

“Celestia’s crown. She let me borrow it for a few minutes, but I need to return it now. The thing is, I’m kind of busy. Can you girls drop it off for me?”

“We would…” Scootaloo started.

“But we’re lost,” Applebloom finished.

“I’m wearing the princess’s crown?” Sweetie Belle asked, her brain trying to come up with a rational response.

“Well it’s certainly not Chrysalis’s. She would kill me if I snatched hers off her head. You uh… You might not want to be seen with that, either. At least not until you get to the throne room. Do you three think you can get it there unseen if I can get you out of the maze?”

“We’re not foals, Nav,” Scootaloo said. “How hard could it be to sneak a crown in?”

“Yeah, sneaking it out would be the hard part!” Applebloom said. “It’s a good thing she let you borrow it, or I bet you never would have gotten away!”

“Yeah, she sure is a saint. Now, let me help you out of this place.” I jumped into the air and flew myself to the top. I looked around a bit and landed and gave them directions. “It should take you about ten minutes to get out. Make sure Twilight, Rarity, and Applejack don’t see you with that crown.”

“Thanks, Nav!” they all said, trotting off. I settled down into the maze. The girls would get out in about ten minutes and then they would probably run into Twilight, and they would tell her I was still in the maze. Rarity and Applejack would enter the maze and Twilight would wait for me to fly out. If she was smart, she would stand at a corner so she could maximize the amount of area she could watch so I couldn’t sneak out as easily. I would hopefully get lucky and sneak out on the side she wasn’t watching and then get far enough away that I could sneak to my room with no trouble.

The plan was going well until about ten minutes passed and the girls got out of the maze. Then Twilight came flying in on butterfly wings. Welp, she got me there. I ducked into the bushes, hoping she wouldn’t see me.

Of course she fucking saw me. She landed right in front of me. “Ahem.”

I peeled myself out of the bushes and batted my eyes. “Yes, Twilight?”

“You have something very important to my mentor.”

“You know, this spot is very secluded. Private. One could even call it… romantic.” I gently reached a finger out and stroked her jawline. Her eyes went wide. “We’ve lived together so long, been through so much… Wouldn’t you say we’ve gotten close?” I was bringing my head down a bit now and moved my hand under her chin, bracing her head up. “I’ve always been attracted to brains more than anything else.” Our heads were close, now. Her eyes were gently closed.

Which made it so much easier to run away and jump into the air. I was out of the maze before I heard a very frustrated scream following me. Twilight had very little practice flying, so it was nothing to get away from her, especially on her flimsy wings. It didn’t take too long to get back to my room, and I just flew into the window. Taya was there waiting for me.

“Sorry for abandoning you, but I didn’t think I was actually going to get very far,” I said.

“S’okay. Celestia’s reaction was worth it. So was Twilight’s.”

“Were they that mad?”

“Twilight was furious. Celestia was smiling, but she didn’t waste any time telling Twilight to track you down.”

“Well, Twilight failed. Pretty badly. I escaped her twice and passed the crown off to someone else while I was at it. Whatever Chrysalis did to my brain was both fucked up and yet also awesome. Do you think you can be cute enough to protect me on the way to Rarity’s workshop?”

“I’ve been practicing.”

“Awesome.” I reached over to the drawer and grabbed the medal and the scale and slid them in pockets. “Let’s go.” I opened the door and let Taya out first. I followed her and closed it behind me.

That’s when I heard something down the hall a ways. I looked that way and saw Cadance standing outside Chrysalis’s door. “I just want to talk to her!” I heard some muffles. “Luna is in bed, Celestia is busy, and I don’t know where Nav is.” More muffles. “How should I know? He’s not in his room.” Something. “When I asked her, she said something about the thrill of the hunt. I don’t know what that meant, but it sounded ominous, so I just came here.” What was that? More muffles? “Just open the door!”

There was a final single muffle and Cadance sighed deeply and gently let her head hit the door. I turned the other way and started tip-toeing away.

Unfortunately, ponies can’t walk silently for shit. As soon as Taya started following me, Cadance said, “Hey, wait up Nav!” Fuck. Time to run from another princess? You got i—Oh hey, it’s Twi—OH SHIT!

I turned and started running to Cadance. “Heyhow’sitgoingletmegetthatforyou.” Before she could respond, Taya, Cadance, and I were all in Chrysalis’s room, being stared at by a very confused Doppel. I had the door closed and locked before anyone could say anything. “Don’t open that door, Doppel. Sup, Chrysalis?” I asked, nodding.

She looked at me strangely before turning her gaze back to Cadance. “Hello, Princess Mi Amore Cadenza.”

We all heard a banging at the door. “YOU COME OUT HERE RIGHT NOW NAVARONE!”

I turned to Doppel. “I will let you sample two of any of my memories you want if you pretend to be me right now and go out there.”

Doppel turned to the door. We heard a much louder bang. Doppel turned back to me. “No deal.”

“Any three?”

She looked back at the door to see it turning red hot. Apparently Celestia or Luna or someone put a lot of resistances into the door or something. She turned back to me. “There is nothing you could ever do that would make me go out there as you right now.”

“…Fuck.” The door was turning white. The hinges were starting to smoke. “Anyway,” I said turning back to Cadance and Chrysalis. “Cadance, this is Queen Chrysalis. Chrysalis, this is Cadance. I believe you’ve met, but I think it was under less than ideal circumstances.”

Cadance was staring at the door. “Nav, just what did you do?”

“I stole Celestia’s crown, paraded it around the palace, let Rainbow Dash take pictures with it, gave it to the Cutie Mark Crusaders, seduced Twilight, and got away. Now, back to the task at hand.” Chrysalis was actually cracking up at that. Wow, her giggle was adorable. “You two need to make peace.”

“She tried to kill me, brainwash Shining Armor, and doom all of Equestria.”

“Well, she also tried to kill me and yet I managed to forgive her.”

“She didn’t try to brainwash your fiancé, though.”

“No, but she pretended to be my sister.”

“Yes, and you punched me in the face for it,” Chrysalis said.

“Well, yeah. Hey Cadance, if you can punch Chrysalis in the face, will you forgive her?”

Cadance and Chrysalis both looked at me like I was an idiot.

“Sorry, sorry. Chrysalis, whatever you did to my mind upset the balance in there or something and it’s causing me to go haywire. I’ve been doing crazy shit all day.”

Chrysalis looked back to the door. “I can see.” I looked back too and saw that the stone around the door was starting to melt. I turned back to them. “Mi Amore Cadenza, for what it is worth, I do apologize. I was just trying to do what is best for my people.” Well, not just trying to do that, but I don’t think Cadance would be expecting her to lie.

“And you couldn’t do that by requesting aid?”

Taya spoke up, “She did, nine hundred years ago. Twilight found it in the records.” Cadance jerked back. “Celestia was distraught when she learned; apparently she doesn’t remember much from back then.”

Chrysalis gave a victorious smile. Cadance said, “I… see.”

“Before we go any farther,” Chrysalis said, “Please, all of you, sit. I may be a queen, but here I believe we are all equals.” Nice touch. Cadance moved hesitantly to the other couch. I moved to the arm chair and Taya sat across my lap. Chrysalis turned herself to face Cadance more easily.

“I have an important question,” I said. I pointed to Chrysalis. “If you can look like that, why would you look like that?” I asked, moving my finger to Cadance.

Another blush from Chrysalis and Cadance just gaped. Taya kicked me.

“Wait, shit. Sorry, ignore that; just my brain kicking off my filter again. Please, continue.” My eyes flicked to the door and I saw that the hinges were just small puddles on the floor. Doppel was watching it with fear in her eyes. Whoever made the door deserves one hell of a raise.

Chrysalis and Cadance were talking, but I wasn’t really paying attention. As long as they didn’t come to blows, I was hoping Chrysalis would be smart enough to say the right things. I was just gently petting Taya and hoping to high heaven that the door held.

After nearly five minutes, I was awoken from my reverie by laughter. I saw that Chrysalis was actually giggling, which made me smile; it really was adorable, as I said. Cadance was smiling. She said, “I don’t know if I will ever like you, but I do forgive you, Chrysalis. I understand that sometimes hard decisions have to be made for the sake of your people. I’m sure choosing to attack Equestria was a decision made out of desperation, as Nav said.”

“I… appreciate it, Mi Amore Cadenza. I do not wish to return to my changelings with angry ponies behind me.”

Cadance opened her mouth to respond, but the door suddenly started hissing, like a giant block of ice was hitting it. We watched it, unable to continue any manner of conversation with that noise. After about a minute, the hissing stopped and there was a gentle knocking and Celestia’s voice rang out, “Hello?”

Doppel went to answer it. I whispered to Taya, “Get ready to be very cute very fast.” She nodded.

The door opened and in walked Celestia. She had her crown back, at least. “I believe we have a solution for your famine,” Celestia said, looking at Chrysalis.

Chrysalis stood so she could face her. “I am listening,” she answered.

“Girls, if you would?” Celestia asked, turning slightly. The Cutie Mark Crusaders walked in, pushing a trolley with a teapot and two tea cups. Twilight followed them in, glaring daggers at me. “Navarone, Twilight, would you please come forward?”

We both looked at her, both alarmed. If she made me drink that shit, I would get sick. If she made Twilight drink that shit and look at me I would probably never get away. Taya hopped down and I stood, slowly walking toward the trolley. Twilight stepped forward as well. With a glow of Celestia’s horn, the teapot gently lifted and some purple bubbly liquid streamed out and into the two cups.

“Drink, both of you.”

“But Princ—” “I’m immu—”

“Drink.”

We both sighed. I looked down at the little teacup and picked it up. I stuck out my pinky finger and tossed it back. Twilight used magic to do the same, but without the pinky finger. Some people just lack sophistication.

As expected, my body rejected it out of hand. I was on the floor, coughing my lungs out. Twilight and Taya were instantly at my side.

I heard Celestia say between coughs, “Hmm. I wasn’t expecting that.” If I had been able to breathe or talk, I would have asked what she did expect to happen, but as it was, all of the air was being forced out of my lungs as my insides rearranged themselves. Finally, my body kicked the poison out in a black stream of raw hate. When it was safely back in the cup, I pushed myself up to my knees.

“Fuck love poison,” I rasped.

Twilight nuzzled me. “Are you okay, schmoopy?”

“Not again!” the girls—excluding Taya—groaned.

I ran my hand through Twilight’s mane. “Yes, dear. Just a bad reaction.” I pulled her in for a quick kiss that left her blushing. “I need to go and get something in my room right down the hall. You don’t mind waiting here and entertaining our guests, do you?”

She looked alarmed at me going away, but I pulled her in for another, longer kiss. “I’ll be just a minute, I promise.”

“Of course, pumpkin,” she sighed breathlessly. Celestia was starting to giggle. Chrysalis was rolling her eyes. Cadance was gaping.

I stood. “Taya, come along.” Taya followed me out.

“Doppel,” Celestia said, “Your queen requires a book. Go fetch it for her.”

Doppel gave a quick salute and joined me as I exited the door. I felt Twilight’s eyes on me the entire way. I let Doppel leave first and blew a kiss at Twilight when I realized that her eyes held a smoldering fire when she saw Doppel leaving with me. Twilight quickly returned to a dopey state and just waved until the door clicked shut.

I turned and saw Doppel and Taya grinning madly. “You’re good at this,” Doppel said.

I shrugged and jerked my head down the hall. They followed me to my room. “Can you walk on two legs?” I asked Doppel when we got there.

“I can, but I can’t make clothes like the queen can.” She smiled viciously. “Strip down, lover colt.”

I looked at her. She smiled back. I walked over to a drawer and pulled out a set of clothes for her. She looked at them and sighed. That done, she turned into me, complete with clothes and weapons. She walked out.

“Taya, go with her. I’ll be here, waiting for you.” She didn’t move. “Bacon.” She sighed and trotted off.

Not long after she left, Cadance and the Cutie Mark Crusaders came by wheeling the trolley. “How’s it going in there?” I asked.

They all grimaced. The girls made disgusted sounds. “It’s all lovey dovey and gross,” Sweetie Belle said.

Cadance said with much distaste, “The changeling is able to feed, but apparently the flavor isn’t quite right.”

“Oh, that’s just Doppel. She prefers lust rather than love, so love will taste a bit strange to her.”

Cadance clicked her mouth shut and grinded her teeth. After a moment, she forced out, “And how would you know that?”

I gave her a filthy grin. “I fed her last night.” She glared at me. I just smiled back.

“What’s… lust?” Applebloom asked.

Cadance shook herself. “Don’t worry about it, girls. Come on, let’s go to the garden. I’m sure we can find a fun game to play.”

“Just leave the trolley here,” I told them. They all ran off after Cadance.

Well, I have now angered two of the most powerful people on the planet today. Three, actually, if Twilight has as much magic as she thinks. All I need to do now is find a way to piss Luna off and I’ll be doing good.

I walked over to the desk and looked at the papers I had set up there. I poked through the unfinished ones, trying to remember more details. After a few minutes, I heard clawed feet walking in.

“Sup, Spike?” I asked without turning.

“Not much. Hey, have you been doing much thinking about the party?” I turned to face him, then.

“Sadly, no. My mind has been consumed recently.” Literally. “I’ve had a bit of a busy day.”

“Oh. Do you know where Twilight is, then?”

“Next door, with Celestia and the queen. I don’t think she’ll be happy to see you, though.”

“Why not? I just finished researching something she asked me to help her with.”

“Well, she’s currently infected with a love poison and fawning over either Doppel or Chrysalis.”

He shot straight up. “Then why are we in here? Come on, Nav, this is gonna be hilarious!”

“Because she is in love with me right now. If I go over there, she might explode or something.”

His eyes widened and he bolted down the hall, chuckling. I spun around in my chair and started looking through the pages again. I could probably finish this one. Maybe tonight. I looked up when I heard a terrible wrenching sound. “Huh.” I turned back to the pages. I heard an explosion and I was on my feet and into the hall. I looked out and saw Twilight, who turned her eyes on me with such an expression of joy that I didn’t know what to do. She used her wings to propel herself at me.

I smiled and open my arms for her. She tackled me and down we went.

Onto my wings.

A terrifying crack shot through the halls and I felt tears pool in my eyes. Twilight instantly healed me, which shouldn’t have been possible; in order to heal bones, you have to set them first. Or else be Celestia-level strong. I think that love poison might have given Twilight a bit of extra power. Normally my wings wouldn’t even break from that, but I think Twilight was also given an upgrade in strength or something; she slammed me into the ground like a sledgehammer.

She covered my face in kisses.

There are a lot of people that would say I deserve this. I heard the sound of Celestia’s horse shoes striking the ground on their way up to us. Taya and Spike strode alongside her.

Celestia stopped next to us, looking down on us. I was currently Frenching Twilight, so I couldn’t exactly say anything.

“There are a lot of ponies that would say you deserve this,” Celestia commented. I groaned and Twilight mistook it for a moan and somehow managed to tighten herself over me. Where did Twilight even learn how to do this? “However, I am not as sadistic as you seem to think I am. I still need to punish you for what you did to my crown. I will give you two choices: Stay here for one hour, with Twilight in her state, or dance with Pinkie at the reception. The music there will be newer stuff, I believe.”

Oh, you sadistic bitch. I reached down and squeezed Twilight’s cutie mark in response, eliciting another moan from her. Spike gagged.

Celestia shrugged. “I gave you the choice. Spike, Taya, come along. Let us leave the lovebirds to their activities.” They walked off, Taya giving several backwards glances. Honestly, it seemed more like punishment to Twilight than anything else. I mean, her mind got fucked with by a potion and now she’s forced to live a lie for an hour without even realizing it.

After a moment, I tapped her side. She pulled up, letting me get some air. Where can we go for an hour where no one can see us but she can’t do anything to me? She was smiling at me with a dopey expression again.

“Honey, would you mind getting off me?”

“Of course, my special somepony.” She eased off me. I sat up, shaking my wings. They were fine. She looked at them. “You know, I read something once about pegasus wings. About how they’re… really sensitive.” Her horn glowed and I felt some kind of vice grip tighten over my wings, slowly squeezing them.

It felt nearly orgasmic, even with my reduced senses. I smiled, a flush coming to my face. “Please, dear. You don’t need to do that to show me you care.”

Her smile turned sly. “I remember you saying all that time ago that you didn’t like being touched… But magic doesn’t require touch.” She picked me up with a purple aura and gave me bedroom eyes as she floated me to my room.

Well, I found a way to piss Luna off today.

(Sex is coming. Ctrl+f Sex is over to skip)

I knew that this was not going to be an overly enjoyable experience when she clunked my head on the side of the bed as she sat me down. She immediately pulled me back up, cradling me like a baby. “Oh, I’m so sorry!” She pulled me close and kissed the back of my head.

“Twilight, please, we don’t have to do this. We can just go for a walk. Or we can go get ice cream. Or… something other than this.”

“Oh no no no! Now that we’re finally together and we admitted our love for each other, I’m going to make sure you stay mine! So I’m going to pleasure you in the way that only the Element of Magic can…” That last was said in a scarily sultry voice. I don’t know what the fuck the Element of Magic is, but I know Twilight is disturbingly strong.

“I… I don’t think that’s necessary.”

“Oh, but I do! I know all kinds of mares want to take you away. But none of them can give you what I can.” Her horn lit up and I felt my entire body jerk straight, still suspended in the air. My belt undid itself. My shoes untied themselves. All my clothes were slowly pulled off, leaving me defenseless before her half-lidded eyes. “I know allll about you, my love. I’ve studied your body inside and out. I know just where your erogenous zones are. And I know just how to get to them. I’m going to make you mine and you’re going to love every minute.”

This was starting to sound really, really scary. “Twilight, you’re scaring me a bit.”

“No fears now. Only dreams.” What does that even mea—HOLY FUCK!

Something inside me was being stroked as her horn lit up. I felt my eyes roll up as whatever she was doing brought incredible pleasure to me. “This is what we call the prostate, dear,” she calmly said. “When rubbed the right way, it’s… well, I think you know by now.” I had no defense against this. My insides weren’t protected by Celestia’s curse. “Most stallions don’t take long to give into this, when it’s being rubbed. But then, you aren’t most stallions. You’re my stallion.” She pulled my face down to hers and kissed me, able to overpower my tongue and explore my mouth all she wanted. The stroking against me just increased until I felt myself unable to resist any longer.

I came, moaning into her mouth. She continued stroking until I had nothing left to give. She finally pushed me away from her and saw the small puddle on the floor. Magic scooped it up and flew it over to her. She looked me dead in the eye and eagerly slurped it down. Oh God, what has Celestia gotten me into this time? Not even five minutes had gone by and she’d already done more for me than any of my other lovers ever had.

As if reading my mind, her smile returned. “We’re just getting started.” Her horn went brighter and I felt all my energy return. I instantly got hard again. “That’s just a taste of what I can give you, Nav. What do you think?”

“That was… quite enjoyable,” I hesitantly answered. More like terrifying as hell. If she could fine-tune her magic as well as that, what else could she do with it?

Her horn lit up brighter. “Oh my! Lying, even now…” I heard a whistling sound in the air and then felt a switch across the ass. I would have flinched, but I wasn’t able to move. “Don’t lie to me, Nav. Lovers don’t lie.”

“You know I don’t like magic, Twilight. I hate being controlled like this.”

“You don’t like magic… but I am a unicorn. And you love me.” It’s a good thing she didn’t think to use that lie detecting spell to question that. “Please be willing to try what I want to do…” And now she was pleading. Fuck love poison.

I grinned nervously. “Okay, dear. For… for you.”

Her horn glowed brighter and I felt a vice grip on my wings and my member. The one on my wings started circling down, looking for the pleasure centers. The one on my member began convulsing and vibrating, teasing my urethra with gentle taps. I felt a small vibration on my prostate again.

She slowly flew me over to the bed and gently laid me down, making sure to avoid hitting my head. The entire time she was doing that, I was in bliss, trying to fight the feelings. She climbed on top of me and looked into my eyes, loving purple meeting fearful green. “I love you, Navarone,” she whispered. Instead of waiting for an answer, she just kissed me again. She forced her tongue as far into me as she could get it. I was too preoccupied to fight.

The feeling around my wings was finally concentrating to a few nodes, the pleasure epicenters. I don’t know what cruel—or perhaps loving—god put them there, but I want to slap him in the face and then buy him a beer.

I would have wrapped my arms around Twilight, but she was still holding me, completely disallowing me from moving. I couldn’t fight her. I couldn’t help her. All I could do was give in.

So that’s what I did. I focused on the pleasure flowing in. The magic molding itself to my prostate. The pressure slowly growing on my wings. The magic-job she was giving my manhood. I just relaxed and let it happen.

A minute later, I came yet again, my seed shooting up and landing on Twilight’s back in a sticky mass. She pulled away from me, giggling. I saw it flying away, but I have no idea where it ended up. “That’s two,” she whispered, nuzzling me. “This one is a surprise I’ve been working on for a while. Let me know what you think when you can talk again.”

“When I can ta—” My perception of everything broke. I felt raw pleasure dumped into my brain, unimpeded by nerves or flesh. I had no idea what was happening to my body, I just know that whatever she was doing to my brain was ungodly. There was no other sensation than bliss. I couldn’t see. I couldn’t smell. I couldn’t taste. It was unimaginable and horrifying.

I lost all concept of time while I was in that state. When I finally came to, I learned that over half an hour had passed. My bed was nasty. Twilight was wearing a small smile, standing off to the side. Her horn had finally stopped glowing.

“What… did you… do?” I croaked.

“I used magic to send signals of pleasure directly into your brain.” She giggled. “You made quite a mess!” I looked around and saw what she meant. I got off the bed and onto my feet. I didn’t last a second before falling. Twilight’s magic caught me before I hit the ground and she floated me over for another kiss. “Now now now, I wouldn’t want you to hurt yourself, now would I, my special somehuman?” She pushed me away a bit. “Now, I want to hear you say it.”

“Say what?”

“That you’re mine. That you finally realized that I’m the best for you. That you want me and only me.” I opened my mouth but she cut me off, “And I’ll know if you lie. I can think of other things to do to make you want only me.”

“I…” My voice caught. I didn’t want to say anything that might cause her to do something else to me. I had no idea Twilight was this fucking crazy. I knew she was bad at times, but this? This was terrifying.

“Yessss?” she whispered, leaning in.

I cast my gaze about the room, looking for anything to help me. My eyes caught a clock hanging on the wall. Oh. Oh my, that’s just perfect. I nodded a random direction. “LOOK OVER THERE, A DISTRACTION!” She blinked and jerked her head away, looking where I nodded. I instantly teleported away, carried by Celestia’s magic to a place that hopefully didn’t have a crazy unicorn.

(Sex is over)

An hour later, I couldn’t help but wonder who was guilty of rape. Me, for being sober but unwilling to risk life and limb to stop Twilight. Twilight, for actually doing the act even though she was drunk on love poison. Or Celestia, for letting it happen—nay, knowing it would happen and that Twilight was drugged and I had no way to stop her.

Fucking Molestia.

Anyway, after the prescribed hour, I was teleported straight to the library in Ponyville. I think I heard a shriek of horror reverberating from the castle, several miles away.

I immediately went downstairs and pulled a book from the shelves and downed half a flask of booze. I sighed, feeling better immediately. My crotch really hurt and my wings were feeling it too. I had an hour until the love poison on Twilight wore off, so I would be here for a little while.

I went to put on a set of clothes and went off to Applejack’s farm. It only took me about fifteen minutes to find the booze since it wasn’t hidden at all. There weren’t many barrels of it left. I grabbed a cart and loaded it full. I would have gotten help, but all of the Apples were apparently at Canterlot; Celestia decided to keep them on there for the week, paying them extra to stay and cook for the castle instead of sending them all back to their homes just so they’d have to come back at the week’s end. I pulled the cart into the train station and was on the first train heading to Canterlot. I was away for well over an hour by the time the train pulled in to Canterlot station.

I hired some day laborers to help me with the barrels. Having shitloads of cash is pretty helpful. I had the barrels left outside the entrance to the kitchens and stepped inside.

I walked back up to Applejack, who was once again stirring something. “Hey AJ, I took that booze from your barn. You want me to pay you now or later?”

“Anytime. I know yer good for it.”

“Well, you don’t exactly have pockets. It can wait. Just make sure no one bothers the barrels outside, alright?”

“Don’t worry about it, Nav; they’ll be fine.”

“Awesome. See you later.” She nodded, still stirring the whatever. I walked back out and flew up to my room.

Thankfully, the bedspread had been changed and the trolley with the poison was no longer there. I could still smell the shame, but I was hoping that was just emanating off me. I stripped down and went to the shower.

When I got out, Taya was back in my room. “Taya, the next time I try to steal the crown, I want you to stop me with magic.”

“Okay. Are you feeling better?”

“Immeasurably. My head feels much clearer, now that I have new sorrow to add to make up for what was lost.”

“Good. Twilight wants to speak to you, I think. And Celestia still wants you to go see Rarity.”

“Rarity first. She’s been waiting longer.” And I really didn’t want to see Twilight. “After her, we might visit Chrysalis again. I assume her door has been replaced?” Taya nodded. “Well then, shall we?”

“Shouldn’t you put some clothes on first?”

I blinked. “Yeah, I probably should.” I was, at least, wearing a towel. I checked the drawer with the normal clothes. It was empty. “Taya, where are my clothes?”

“In your drawer?”

I opened the other ones. They still had liveries in them.

A few minutes later Taya and I were walking to Rarity’s room. I was wearing the clothes from Ponyville. At least whoever stole my clothes left my weapons.

For the first time, I actually had to walk up Rarity’s stairs. It was horrifying. But given that my wings were still kind of sore, I suppose it was better than flying. I knocked on the door and it swung open. Cadance and Rarity were discussing dresses, so I just led Taya to the side of the room and did my best to forget the past few hours.

Before Cadance left, she said, “We still need to talk, Nav.”

I gave a dark smile. “Good luck ever finding me. I’m getting run ragged all over the damn place. I was in Ponyville an hour ago.”

“What were you doing there?”

“Recuperating. Ask Twilight or Celestia if you want more details.” Her eyes went wide, but thankfully she walked out.

Leaving Taya and me alone with a person that wasn’t quite happy with me.

Rarity held her smile until the door clicked and then turned a very disapproving glance over to me. Before she could yell at me I said, “Taya quick! Use cuteness!” Taya jumped for a moment and then turned her gaze upon Rarity, who raised an eyebrow and looked at Taya for a moment before turning her gaze back to me. “It isn’t working! Cute harder!”

Rarity face-hooved.

“She’s growing weak. Quick, finish her with a hug!”

“Navarone, please…” She was cut off by a filly hugging her, looking up at her with large, watering eyes. I could practically see Rarity’s heart melting. She sighed. “Okay, fine, you win.”

“Awesome. Taya, you can stop now if you want.” Taya let go and walked back over to my side.

Rarity watched her walk away with a gentle smile before looking back at me. “Only you would think of weaponizing cuteness, Nav. Now come over here. I have four suits of armor planned, two for solar and two for lunar.” I went over to her table and she showed me four drawings.

“Which one is the lightest? As in, weighs the least?”

“Weight isn’t an issue with armor, Nav. All of this is going to be enchanted by either Celestia or Luna when you get knighted. You will be tapped over the shoulder three times. One will be an enchantment that permanently lightens the armor, one will be a spell binding you to the oaths you took, and one will be a complete revitalization spell, signifying a fresh start. Didn’t they tell you that?”

I shrugged. “I wasn’t really listening. But if my load isn’t lightened until the ceremony, it still won’t help if I can’t actually get there because I’m so weighed down that I can’t move.”

“No, that’s when your load will be permanently lightened. Princess Celestia knows of your strength problem, Nav. She’ll help you with that before you go.”

“You know, you’d think that if they could enchant metal to be lighter, they could enchant clothes to be as strong as metal. Hell, just bypass the clothes entirely and make the skin strong.”

She blinked and looked at me. She grabbed my shirt and gently pulled me down to face level with her. Then she used her other hoof to slap me across the face. Not hard enough to leave a bruise, but it did smart. “Stop it.” She let my shirt go. “Now pick two of these, unless you’ve decided which patron you want.”

I rubbed at my face. “Stupid cunt,” I muttered. I turned my eyes down to the drawings. Well, it’s official. Our worlds have merged at some point. One of the armor sets for Luna looked like Daedric armor from one of the Elder Scrolls games while the other one was unfamiliar—I assumed it came some time after I left—the only difference being a crescent moon stamped on the front and back breastplate and shield of each. One of the sets of Celestia’s armor looked like the light plate armor from one of the Fable games, while I didn’t even recognize the other one. The only differences were, again, the sun stamped on them. The second sets of armor that I didn’t recognize looked more badass than the ones I did.

I looked at Rarity. “I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt here, but have you ever been in a large-scale battle?”

She gave me a very womanly look.

“Rarity, I wouldn’t be able to see in any of these if I was wearing the helmet. Honestly, it doesn’t matter given that as soon as the knighting ceremony is over I’m scrapping the armor, but still.”

She gave me a horrified look. “You can’t do that!”

“You would be surprised at what I can and cannot do, Rarity.”

“You don’t understand! One of the oaths that you take as a knight is that you will be the shield of the princess until your shield fails! If your armor gets lost or scrapped, your oaths will be vo—Why are you smiling?”

“Rarity, you just made me a very happy man. So all I have to do is destroy my armor and I’m no longer a knight?”

“Well, I guess you could look at it that way, yes. Why?”

“Oh, no reason…” I looked over the armor with much more interest.

“Navarone, what are you thinking?” Rarity asked hesitantly.

Which armor will be easiest to break? “Just trying to decide which of these beautiful sets I want, Rarity. You’ve really outdone yourself this time.” I pulled the medal out of my pocket while thinking. “Do you think you can do something with this? Or should I just not bother?”

She looked at it. “It would fit more on the Solar sets, but Twilight told me how you won those battles and your methods fit more on the Lunar armor. I can’t incorporate it. Sorry, Nav.”

I shrugged and slipped it into a pocket. “No worries.” I picked out the two sets I didn’t recognize. “One of these two. I’ll get back to you tomorrow about whether I’m going to be Solar or Lunar. Now, do you know who is planning my weapon?”

“Not my department, Nav. Didn’t the princesses tell you anything? They choose the weapon for you when you decide which you want as a patron.”

Huh. “That works. If you don’t need anything else, do you know where Fluttershy or Pinkie is?”

Taya cleared her throat. “I believe you need to see Twilight,” she commented.

I looked at her. She looked at me. I turned back to Rarity. “So yeah, do you know where Fluttershy or Pinkie is?”

“No pony ever knows where Pinkie is until she appears. Fluttershy is probably in the gardens. But if you need to see Twilight, you should probably go to her. Especially given how angry she was with you after that stunt you pulled. She didn’t say what you did to her in the labyrinth, but she was very, very angry.”

“Eh, she’ll get over it. Come along, Taya; we have a busy schedule.” I led her back out and down the tower. I couldn’t help but hum as we kept walking. Despite everything, I still felt pretty good.

“Daddy, what are you doing?”

“Walking. And breathing. Osmosis, mitosis, diffusion. Several other cellular operations. Humming. Thinking. Talking.”

“Oh. I meant… what’s that noise?”

“That’s me humming. I can stop, if you want.”

“No, that’s okay. It sounds… nice.”

“Well, if you knew the song I was humming, you probably wouldn’t think that way.” From what I had seen, Taya preferred classical music. I wasn’t humming that.

“If you like it, it can’t be all that bad.”

“But I’m a bad person, remember. Doesn’t that mean my tastes are also bad?”

“Not necessarily. And that’s also assuming that you are a bad person, which is a lie.”

“Yeah, well, I am a liar.”

She huffed. We walked in silence for a bit. I finally said, “I never did ask. Did Chrysalis hurt you when she looked into your mind?”

“No. It just felt… odd.”

“Are you just saying that because you don’t want me to kill her?”

“No. You can kill her if you want.”

“I’m glad to know you’re so understanding. I think I’ll hold off, at least for now.”

She shrugged and we continued in silence.

It didn’t take us long to find Fluttershy out in the gardens. She was teaching birds to sing or something. Since Fluttershy hadn’t noticed us, we sat back to watch. When they finished their song, I started clapping lightly, causing Fluttershy to jump and scare the birds away.

“Nav, you’re back!” She rushed forward and was probably about to tackle me into a hug when Taya restrained her with magic.

“Thank you, Taya. I am getting tired—oh so very tired—of being thrown on my ass whenever a pony wants a hug. Twilight actually broke both of my fucking wings today, she tackled me so hard. Now, if you want a hug, can you be reasonable about it?”

“Oh… Sorry for almost hurting you, Nav… Can I… can I have a hug?” I sighed exaggeratedly and stood, opened my arms slightly, and put on an impatient expression. She flinched and gently extended her forelegs.

I quickly grabbed her and held her in a vice grip. She “Eep’d.” I held her like that for a few seconds before letting her drop.

“Now why did you want a hug?” I asked.

“I heard you went… crazy… today. I saw you sitting there and you looked fine, so I assumed your mind was back to normal.”

“Well, it’s better than it was. Normal is pushing it. Now let’s go.”

“Um. Okay.” She fell into step beside me and Taya. We were at the castle before she asked, “So where are we going?”

“To see Chrysalis,” I answered. “As I said last night, she wants to apologize for threatening you.”

Fluttershy didn’t seem that comfortable with that answer. “Twilight asked us… to not see her. And she did seem awfully mean, Nav.”

“Fluttershy, you would probably be pretty pissed if a plan you were working on fell through in such a spectacularly bad way. Especially if your family depended on that plan being successful. It wouldn’t hurt to give her a chance, would it? I won’t let her hurt you.”

“I don’t know…”

“You’re too kind to refuse to let someone apologize. I think she feels bad for what she did and wants to make sure you don’t think ill of her for it. Surely you can give her that comfort, at least? You don’t have to stay long.”

“…Okay.”

“Cool. Oh, and don’t worry: We already tested the love poison, so I’m not going to get you to do that.”

“You didn’t hurt anypony, did you?”

I snorted. “No, but Twilight sure did hurt me. Like I said, she broke my wings.” She made up for it. “Celestia could have made a much smarter choice than someone as powerful in magic as Twilight. And I don’t even know why she had me drink that stuff when she knows that I’m immune.”

“She gave Twilight a love poison? That seems…”

“Dangerous?” I asked.

“Stupid?” Taya asked.

“Irresponsible,” Fluttershy finished.

“Well, yeah,” I said. “That’s Celestia for you. She tends to do things that would be funny rather than things that would be right. Sometimes, anyway.”

“Nav, that’s not tru—Well… Okay.” She had read my journal and she had a few experiences of her own with Trollestia. “But still, you could have been hurt!”

“She broke my fucking wings. I was hurt. I got better.”

Fluttershy shook her head sadly. “Somepony should really talk to Princess Celestia about her actions. One day she might make a really big mistake!”

“She wouldn’t do that, Fluttershy. She knows when to be serious and when she can goof off. She’s pretty old, remember? I have to say, though, she looks fine for her age.”

Fluttershy turned a funny color and stopped walking when I said that. I kept going, not paying her any heed. After a moment, she caught up and didn’t mention it.

Unfortunately, Taya did. “What does that mean, daddy?”

Now it was my turn to be red-faced. “When you get to be several thousand years old, I don’t think you’ll have a figure like she does,” I answered.

“Oh.”

“Nav… is that what you really meant?” Fluttershy asked.

I scoffed. “Hell no. You’re just too young to hear what I actually meant. I’ll tell Taya later, when you’re at nap time.” Taya giggled.

Fluttershy looked up at me and said, “I’m a year older than you.”

“What? You don’t even know how old I am.” How old were these ponies, anyway? I can never tell and no one ever tells me when I ask.

“I think what she meant,” Taya said, “Is that she’s more mature than you are.”

“Well, yeah. It would be hard not to be, with my mind up in smoke as it is. I mean, even Rarity is probably more mature than me right now, and we all know how zany she usually is.” That got a chuckle out of Fluttershy.

“Fluttershy’s normally more mature than you are anyway, though,” Taya said.

“Well that’s no fun. Just because you get older doesn’t mean you have to grow up. Fluttershy, you should live a little. I bet if you asked, Pinkie Pie could teach you to be a swinger.”

“What’s a swinger?”

“No idea, but I’ve heard the term back on my world and it was usually associated with partying and whatnot.”

“Maybe I’ll have to ask Pinkie, then. It certainly sounds… fun.”

“Swinging on trees can get old. That’s why I’m a human now and not a chimp.”

“You used to be a chimp?” Fluttershy asked, wonder evident in her voice.

“Not me personally, but my species. We evolved from them.” Not entirely accurate, but fuck all if Fluttershy knew the difference.

“I heard you mention that last night. What’s… evolution?”

I sighed. It was a long walk to Chrysalis’s room.

“…So you’re saying that you used to be a monkey?”

“Oh look, we’re here.”

“But then som—”

“OH LOOK, WE’RE HERE!” I knocked on the door, cutting Fluttershy off.

Doppel opened the door. “Why are you yelling at yellow quiet, Nav?” she asked.

“Because she’s asking stupid questions. Is Chrysalis free?”

“Yes. The queen is free.” She didn’t open the door any further and continued standing there.

“Can we… see her?” I finally asked.

“I don’t know. Can you give her proper respect?”

“Let them in, Doppel,” Chrysalis called out. “You know how Navarone is.”

With an audible ‘humph,’ the door opened to let us inside. We entered, Fluttershy gently closing the door behind us.

“I see you managed to escape your paramour, Navarone,” Chrysalis said with a smirk, showing off her fangs. Fluttershy shivered when she saw that.

“Yes. I did. What the hell did you do to her that made her break down the door?”

“That was your precious princess, actually,” Chrysalis said. “She told Doppel to turn back to her shape. Celestia then bent down and whispered something into Twilight’s ear. A few seconds later, the door exploded and your princess giggled.”

“Yep, that’s Celestia.” I turned to Doppel. “I have more memories for you, if you’re still interested.”

“I got plenty from Twilight. It was all fresh, too! I wanted to…” She paused for a moment and then continued. “Well, your princess told me no. It seems she didn’t have any compunctions about giving you the honor.”

“Well, that’s creepy.” I turned back to Chrysalis. “I brought Fluttershy back. I remember you saying you wished to talk with her.”

Chrysalis gave me one of those looks. It was the first one I had gotten from her, and the reptilian eyes really compounded it. Since they don’t have any effects on me anyway, the compounding didn’t do anything, but still.

“Don’t you look at me with that tone of voice.” She rolled her eyes. “Oh yeah, my mind is still a bit beaten up. I’ll just sit down.” She jerked her head to the armchair, which I gratefully plopped down in. Taya joined me a second later. Today has just been a really weird day. I gently pet her without thinking about it, zoning out again. I felt something brush my leg but ignored it.

And then I heard giggling and looked down. I was petting a filly version of Doppel. Taya was looking up at me with a bit of mirth in her eyes. I sighed and moved Doppel to one knee and patted Taya up to the other. My legs had a lot of pressure on them from two filly-sized creatures, but meh; I had two hands. I quickly had Doppel’s tongue lolling as I scratched at her ears.

Chrysalis and Fluttershy were talking, but again I wasn’t really paying attention. Chrysalis was a big girl; I’m sure she could take care of herself. And Fluttershy was too nice to fly off the handle.

…Probably.

Anyway, nothing bad happened. Fluttershy left after a few minutes, giving me a concerned look before closing the door. Chrysalis turned a disdainful eye to me. Or rather, to Doppel. “Get off him.” Doppel was too busy having her back scratched; she was arching into my hand like a cat. It wasn’t until Chrysalis turned into a large dragon and picked the filly-sized Doppel up by the scruff of her neck that Doppel realized she might be in trouble. Chrysalis glared at her with her glowing green eyes.

Doppel grinned sheepishly and turned back to her regular size with a shrug. Chrysalis unceremoniously dropped her, letting her slam into the floor. That done, Chrysalis turned back to her regular shape and sat back down. Or whatever it is ponies call what they do on couches. Taya moved to take over my entire lap again.

“How have you remained sane here, Navarone?” Chrysalis asked, as though that whole episode never occurred.

“I ask myself that every day. I take long walks and do my best to avoid ponies for long stretches of time. Spending a bit of recovery time in other continents helped as well.”

“And alcohol,” Taya added.

“Yeah, that has helped a bit,” I sighed wistfully.

“What is… alcohol?” Chrysalis asked.

“It’s a human stimulant. Or rather, a human depressant. It distorts the mind temporarily. I don’t know all the science behind it, but it basically does to every race what salt does to ponies. I don’t dip into my stores much, but sometimes I wake up and all I can do is grab a flask and sit on a cloud and drink.”

“I see. I don’t suppose you can obtain some of this substance for me? These ponies are driving me to my breaking point.”

“It’s just going to get worse when I bring in Pinkie. Tell you what: I have a few barrels of that shit at the palace. I’ll save one of them and bring it up here during the wedding reception. We can both get trashed and lament our sorrows together.”

She smiled darkly. Taya said, “Can I have some?”

“No, fillies don’t get to drink booze.”

“What about me?” Doppel asked.

Chrysalis said, “Navarone just said fillies are not allowed to partake.” Doppel pouted.

“Awesome. Now I have a good reason to not be there. The wedding will end, I’ll get knighted, immediately destroy my armor and get unknighted, grab some booze and come on up.”

Chrysalis raised an eyebrow. “You found a loophole, then? Good. At least you will find some freedom. Your princess has yet to discuss terms with me about the use of love poison and her ponies. I hope they will be terms I can find peace with, as I fear I am in no position to bargain.”

“You might be better off than you know. As Taya said earlier, records were found indicating that you did, in fact, come earlier as you said you did. That might be enough to send Celestia into a small guilt trip, giving you more favorable terms. And the more ponies you make peace with, the better light you’ll be seen in by the people here. As long as you keep pretending to be changed, you should be fine. And as long as you don’t come back and try to create trouble here again, you should be free to rule your people as you see fit when you leave.”

“Unless Celestia’s terms are something I find myself unable to agree with.”

I shrugged. “I honestly can’t help you there. She knows I have been spending a lot of time here, so she wouldn’t listen to me if I came to her trying to discuss what she wants to do. I don’t know what she has planned.”

“Then I suppose I shall have to wait until after the wedding.” She would probably be hung over, too. I’ll have to make sure she has plenty of water.

“If it makes you feel any better, Celestia will almost definitely offer you some manner of terms. When she requires my help, my choices are often either prison or doing as she asks.”

“And why does everypony consider her such a benevolent ruler, again?”

“Because she had your ass on the floor and decided to spare you instead of sending you to Tartarus.”

“Because you convinced her to.”

“What would you have done if you had someone that threatened your people on the floor at your feet, knocked out?”

“Imprison them so I could continually feed off their emotions. I am not considered benevolent. She is.”

“Well, she is usually very nice to her subjects. But I’m not technically one of her subjects.”

“Then how can she knight you?”

“Because she’s the princess and she does what she wants. Who the hell’s going to stop her?”

Chrysalis grimaced. “Can you not kill her yourself? As much as she trusts you, I don’t imagine it would be a hard feat.”

“Oh, I could do it in a snap. In fact, I have done it; she asked me to do a training exercise a few months ago where I was an assassin. I killed her easily. I did the same thing to Luna, three times. But if I actually killed them, I would never escape this palace alive. And apparently Celestia has some manner of effect on the planet, even though she lies about controlling the sun; if she dies, there would apparently be some terrible consequences.”

She sighed. “I feared as much. I already know you wouldn’t accept any deals with me, so I won’t bother asking.” I didn’t say anything. She continued, “I don’t suppose you have had any luck finding the pink one? I might as well get the pain over with as quickly as possible.”

“I ran into her earlier when I was running around with the crown, but I don’t know where she is now.” She grinned at the mention of the crown. “I could try looking around, if you want. I can’t promise to find her and bring her back today, though; that one is always elusive.” I could totally see myself walking around the entire palace looking for her, only to find that she was right behind me the entire time and just managed to turn with me every time I looked behind me. “Honestly, I’m surprised she hasn’t forced her way in yet.”

“That persistent pastel purple pony has already proven how difficult that is.”

“Pinkie Pie doesn’t observe the laws of reality. I could honestly see her teleporting in here. In fact, she’s probably watching us right now from somewhere.” I paused as we heard distant laughter. I continued, “She probably has your party fully planned, and is just waiting for you to give the go-ahead.”

Chrysalis smiled. “Now I truly am tempted to ignore her. I remember seeing some of her… abilities… when I was posing as that simpering fool, but to see if she could truly get past the defenses built into this room would be something.” We heard distant giggling again.

“I wouldn’t tempt fate. I’ll bring her here when I find her. I know you know how frustrating she is, so I’ll try to pay attention during that conversation and jump in when I can.”

“I have been handling myself fine so far. Mi Amore Cadenza was difficult to talk to, but Fluttershy was relatively easy. The pink one, though…” She shuddered. “I do not wish to talk to her at all; your help is welcomed.”

“If you really insist upon not using names unless you know the full one, Pinkie’s name is Pinkamena Diane Pie. Calling her that will annoy her, so that should be a plus for you.”

“Yes. That will do nicely. Now, I don’t suppose you’d mind if we talked in private for a little while?”

“Taya, if you return to my room, I’ll pick you up before I go looking for Pinkie. Or you can go wherever you want and I’ll find you later. Just stay out of trouble, as always.”

“I’ll be next door,” she whispered.

“Remember the code word, then.”

She jumped down and trotted to the door.

“Doppel, I require more books. Go and get something. You know what I like.”

She saluted and opened the door for herself and Taya, leaving me alone with Chrysalis.

She looked at me and stood. “If you tell anypony about this, I’ll kill you,” she warned, before shrinking to a much smaller version of herself and jumping into my lap. I put my hand on her neck and started gently scratching. She sighed lightly and sank down a bit.

One of my hands moved to her wings. I really hoped they weren’t sensitive like mine or those of pegasi, but I’ve done worse things than accidentally pleasure a filly-sized bug-queen thing. They really did feel cool, too; some of the holes were big enough to stick my finger through, and when I did, she gasped. Not thinking about that symbolism. Nope. I traced a few of the veins going down the dragon-fly-like wings.

The hand on her neck went up to her head and I gently scratched at her ears. They weren’t quite like pony ears, and they laid back farther, but they reacted the same to some nice scratching. After a moment, I moved my hand up to the area around her horn, gently rubbing it. Eventually, I moved my hand to under her chin, scratching it. Her leg started gently kicking when I did that. If Twilight could see her now, she wouldn’t be so angry. We all need a bit of comfort sometimes.

I stopped scratching her chin and she said, “So what did you mean earlier when you asked why I would look like Mi Amore Cadenza when I could look like myself?”

“Cadance is so… Eh. Aside from being an alicorn and a distinctive color, she just looks like almost any other pony to me. You, however…” I gently ran a finger down from the tip of her head to the base of her tail, causing her to shiver. “…unique. Striking. Definitely someone I would rather have a conversation with than Cadance. And what can I say?” I asked as I moved the hand working on her wings to the base of her tail and the other hand to her wings, rubbing her flank gently. “Evil is sexy.”

I heard that little chuckle that I thought was so adorable.

And then Celestia walked in. No knocks, no preamble, no nothing. “Ahem,” she coughed.

Chrysalis shot out of my lap like a fucking bullet and was back to her own shape before I could even look up. When I did, I saw that she was blushing a nearly luminescent green.

Celestia looked at her with what might have been disappointment before turning to me. “Navarone, come.”

I went to the door and into the hall. She followed me out. She led me down the hall to my room and then transformed into Doppel, where we proceeded to totally crack up.

“What are you two laughing at?” Taya asked.

“The look on her face!” I giggled. “Oh God, it was priceless!”

“The look on her face?” Doppel cackled. “You thought you were about to get castrated!” I wouldn’t go that far, but I think there was definitely some horror there.

“Oh God, she’s going to kill you when she finds out about this.”

“It was so worth it. Put that on my tombstone. Better yet, put a picture of her face when I walked in! I can just imagine the look on Celestia’s face if she actually was the one that walked in!” She burst out laughing again and I couldn’t help but join her.

“Oh man, it’s a shame I’m going to have to lock you in her room, now. That was almost too funny…”

“Wait, what?”

“You know, the whole no transforming without permission thing? That totally goes against it.”

“But… but… It was so hilarious! It was just the perfect timing!”

“I know, which is why I’ll consider letting you get away with it. But you’d have to owe me.”

She was suddenly on me, tracing a line down my chest with her fucked up hoof. “Oh? I can think of a few ways to make it up to you.”

I gently grabbed her two front hooves and pushed, causing her to tumble backwards. “A favor. I might cash it in later. Deal?”

She leaned up, rubbing her back. “Deal.” I grabbed one of her front hooves and hauled her to her feet.

“Now go back to Chrysalis. I’m sure she’s quaking in her carapace right now.” Her surprisingly soft carapace, actually. “If she asks why you don’t have any books, just tell her you saw Celestia and me going somewhere and you saw the severity on our faces and you rushed right back.”

“You really are good at this. No wonder those ponies keep you around.” With that, she was out the door.

“Welp, that made my entire year. Shall we go find Twilight?”

“What happened to looking for Pinkie?”

I waved a hand. “Are you in the mood for dealing with her right now?” That wasn’t the real reason, of course; if Chrysalis had me return to her quickly enough, she would know that we were fucking with her.

“I’m never in the mood to deal with her.”

“Fair enough. Shall we be off, then? Also, bacon.” She walked to the door and off we were. “Any thoughts of where to look first?” I asked.

“The library?”

“Fair enough.” She wasn’t there. She also wasn’t with Applejack, Rarity, or Fluttershy. “Well fuck. This palace is just unnecessarily big.”

“And it seems to grow occasionally, too. I think we’ve passed a few rooms that weren’t there the last time I passed this way.” THANK GOD, SOMEONE ELSE NOTICES!

“Well, any other ideas?”

“Throne room?”

“Couldn’t hurt.” We went that way. “Wait, what time is it?” We looked at each other and she shrugged. “Have you eaten lunch?” She shook her head. “I don’t really want to talk to Twilight anyway. Let’s hit the royal eatery.” Again, back to the kitchens…

I turned suddenly and swear I caught a small glimpse of a tuft of pink in the corner of my eye, but kept going. If Pinkie was following me, I would never know until she wanted me to.

Thankfully, we bumped into Spike in the kitchens. “Hey Spike, you see those barrels outside?” He nodded around an apple pastry. “That’s all the booze for the party. Leave me one barrel and the rest is yours. I need you to do me a favor, though.”

He swallowed the apple thing. “What do you need?”

“Whenever you get a free moment, look up everything you can about knights and voiding oaths.” I wanted to make sure Rarity was correct before I actually went and destroyed my armor. Besides, there ain’t no telling what kind of shit I can find; in my experience, when Celestia wants you to do something, she’ll tell you the side of the story she wants you to hear. If there was a way around oathing myself to either sister, I was all for finding it.

His eyes went wide with excitement.

“That doesn’t mean for you to look up stories about knights. That means you need to find out about their contracts and all the legalese involved. Learn about the oaths, exceptions and whatnot, and all that jazz. Hell, just finding me the proper books would be enough, but if you could go ahead and look through them, that would be kickass.”

“Sure. I can go and do that as soon as I finish here. What do you need the one barrel for?”

“Assuming you can’t find me a way to get unknighted, I’m going to do something really stupid during the wedding reception.”

“What did you have in mind?”

“I’m going to go get drunk with Chrysalis and hopefully do something stupid enough to force Celestia to drop the knighthood herself.”

“Well, good luck with that…” He scarfed another thing down.

“Oh, and don’t tell Twilight about my plans. If you do, I’ll tell her that you were drinking at the bachelor party.” He spit crumbs everywhere. “Speaking of Twilight, do you know where she is?”

He coughed a few times. “In her room,” he rasped. He grabbed some apple juice.

“Well, where’s her room?”

“Same place it always is, dude. Isn’t that where you stayed during the first Gala?”

“Dude, I’ve seen some shit today, man. I stole Celestia’s fucking crown and booked it across the palace. My mind is fucking gone.” When I mentioned that I stole Celestia’s crown, he coated the table in apple juice. “Jesus, Spike, you’ll never win Rarity over if you keep spitting food everywhere.”

“You did what?!”

“You heard Celestia today when she left me with Twilight. That was punishment for taking her crown. It was hilarious, too. I had Twilight, Rarity, and Applejack chasing me around the grounds while Pinkie and Rainbow Dash played interference. It ended with me and Twilight in the maze. I had already passed the crown off by then, but she didn’t know that. I had to seduce her to get her distracted long enough to get away.”

Spike was cracking up again.

“Well, it’s been nice talking to you, bro. I need to jet. Come find me when you learn anything more about knights.”

When Taya and I got to the door he finally burst out laughing. On the way to Twilight’s room, I sighed. “Today has just been a really weird day, hasn’t it?”

“Yeah. It really has been.”

“Do you think your cuteness will work on Twilight?”

“I don’t think so. It took all I had to beat Rarity, and she was only disappointed at you.”

“Damn. I guess I’ll have to rely on my charm and good looks.”

“So we’re doomed?”

“Oh yeah, we’re fucked. It was nice knowing you, though.”

“I can think of worse places to die…” I can imagine.

“You know, if you hid on my back, you might be able to surprise her with a sneak attack. And you might get another chance to kick me in the back of the head.”

“I’m sold.” I gently lifted her up and gave her another piggyback ride.

We were like that until we got to Twilight’s large spire room house thing. “Now, if you think she’s about to attack me, you jump at her while I get away. She’d never attack an innocent filly.”

“But if I jump at her, wouldn’t that mean I wasn’t innocent?”

“Fuck, I didn’t think this through. We can com—” The door opened.

Twilight stared at me. I stared at her. After a moment, Taya cleared her throat.

Twilight walked back inside, leaving the door open. I followed her in, ducking so Taya didn’t hit her head. I saw a gentle glowing from my head and the door shut behind me.

“So how are the tests on the poison?” I asked.

“We need to talk,” Twilight said.

“About the black shit I coughed up, right? Let’s talk about that.”

“You aren’t running away from this problem, Nav. Not like you do all your other ones.”

“It isn’t so much running as it is—”

“Shut up and sit down.” She pulled a chair out from under a table with magic.

“If you’re going to be rude, I can ju—”

“No, you can’t.” I didn’t much care for the menacing undertone there.

I set Taya down and went to the chair she pulled out for me. Seeing nothing wrong with it, I sat. Twilight came back in a moment with a pot of tea—actual tea, not poison. She set it down and three cups levitated over to the table, sitting in front of each of us. Three different jars flew and landed as well. The teapot poured into each of the three cups. I reached for one of the jars but it leapt away from me. One of the others pushed itself forward. I grabbed it.

“Twilight, what the fuck is… strychnine?”

“Just something else I’ve been meaning to test on you. Try it.”

I poured a bit of the stuff into the tea and stirred it. “As mad as you are at me, I can’t imagine this test is going to leave me very healthy. Is it too late to remind you of what I said earlier about nothing I did today ever being held against me?”

“Try it.”

Taya was looking at me with apprehension in her eyes. I shrugged and grabbed the teacup and drank a bit of it.

“Not bad. Kind of earthy, but I’ve had worse. It tastes kind of like… Why am I reminded of… punch?”

My eyes went wide. The party. The poison used on Blueblood.

Twilight smiled. “You’re doing well so far. Anypony else would have died as soon as they swallowed. This stuff is so toxic that special containers have to be made for it; I’m honestly surprised the teacup survived it.” She gently sipped at her own tea.

I took another sip at mine.

“So why did you want to talk to me?” I asked in a conversational tone. Well, Twilight has gone off the deep end. Play it cool until I can safely get out and warn Celestia.

“Your behavior today has been… beyond inappropriate. You are lucky Princess Celestia told me why you are acting this way. I wish she had done it before we met in the maze, but that has always been her way.”

I took another sip. “So why did you want to talk to me?”

“What Celestia had us do today was bad. Even for her, it was worse than usual. I know you deserved it, but I was wondering if you wanted to know why I did.”

“I don’t. It’s not my business.”

“That’s a shame.” I emptied my teacup and sat it back down. The teapot lifted to refill it. I reached for the first jar I had tried to grab, but she pulled it farther. She pushed the second one up.

“Look, I know what sarin is. How the titfuck did you sick bastards make this stuff?”

“You survived the strychnine. I want to see how much your new body can take. And I’m in a bad enough mood to find out, one way or another.”

“Twilight, the poison at the party didn’t start affecting me until a few minutes had passed.”

“I examined it. Based on what I could tell, it was considerably less toxic than what I have already given you. If you were going to have any ill effects, they should have hit by now.”

“I’m not playing this game with you, Twilight. It took four unicorns to barely save Blueblood, and from what I’ve heard, he’s still not doing too good. I got sick from what he had.” I could feel a slight itching inside me, too. “What do you think fucking sarin will do to me? This is a nerve agent! Even the sick fucks that run my world banned this shit!” The itching was turning to a scratching.

“Fine. We’ll wait a few minutes. But as to your first question, I have discovered some interesting properties from the love poison you threw up. Your guess was right: It is, essentially, liquid hate.” The scratching was turning into waves of pain. “I had to get a small taste to tell even that. I might test it on some of Fluttershy’s animals when I get back… It shouldn’t actually hurt anypony, but I think it will change their mental state a bit. I wish I could test more about how your body created it, though.”

I would have tried to tell her, but my body picked that time to spit out some amber blood. I noticed before I passed out that it was much more viscous than normal.

Thankfully, I woke up again. Not so thankfully, nearly sixty hours had passed since I passed out. I was in a familiar segmented bed. I pushed myself up and noticed how incredible I felt. My window showed that it was pretty dark outside. I got to my feet and immediately fell forward; my entire body was stiff. I stood again and limbered up a bit. I used the moonlight to find clothes. There were two sets laid out for me: One of Luna and one of Celestia. I checked everywhere else and there wasn’t anything there for me.

Fuck. Well, I like darker clothes anyway… I grabbed the Luna set. At least they’re comfortable.

None of my weapons were around. I slid the window open and flew out.

I didn’t stop flying until I was at Ponyville. I quickly stripped out of my clothes and put on another set and grabbed three more as well. I stuffed the Luna clothes in the bag I grabbed as an afterthought. I flew back into Canterlot and into the window I left. Round trip, it took about an hour. I left the Luna clothes where I found them. I left that room and flew to my own room. I stuffed the bag under the bed and found all my weapons in a pile on the floor. I loaded myself up and went to find out what the dick just happened.

With that in mind, I went to the throne room. A few guards flinched when I walked by, but no one said a word. The guards standing at the throne room doors actually gaped when they saw me. Without a word, one of them pushed the doors open for me.

I walked in and nodded to Luna. “Sup?”

She also gaped. “How are you up and moving?”

I shrugged. “You know. Legs. Wings. Stuff like that. How long was I out?”

“About two and a half days. Seriously, how are you up? You shouldn’t be able to stand!”

“Look, I heal fast. Now what the hell happened?”

“I’ll spare you the details and just get to the meat: You had about three organs left when Celestia got to you. We actually had to break the spell on Chrysalis to save you; it took all three of us to bring you back.”

“Cool.” I pulled a knife out. “Now where is Twilight Sparkle? I am going to mount her horn on my wall.”

“Her punishment has been dealt out. She was incredibly remorseful; she honestly did not expect you to react as you did. It appears Celestia exaggerated when she discussed the effects of the poison you got at the party, and Twilight’s curiosity and anger was compounded by the small taste she had of that hate poison you spit up, though Celestia only knows why she was stupid enough to drink it. It also appears as though changeling magic melds well with alicorn magic. To be up already is quite a feat.”

I put the knife up. “What did I miss?”

“Honestly, nothing much. After Chrysalis helped you and did not make any attempts to flee, she has been given the run of the castle and its grounds. I do not expect her to be out much, but she has the option if she chooses. Twilight was punished.” She shrugged. “Come. It is time for me to lower the moon and for Celestia to raise the sun.” She led the way to their special chamber for it. It was a pretty fancy place, even though it was built around a lie; I still had yet to see any proof they actually controlled the sun and moon.

We got there before Celestia. “This is an honor, Nav; it isn’t common that somepony gets to see us move the heavenly bodies while in the palace.”

“Cool.” I really wasn’t that impressed. Twilight had taken me to what was called the Summer Sun Festival one year during the longest day of the summer, or something like that. Celestia jumped in the air when the sun rose. Big whoop.

But again, I’m wise enough to know that there are some things that it isn’t smart to say, and my mind was back in control enough to keep my mouth shut.

When Celestia got there, she took one look at me and shook her head. “Navarone, do humans know how to die?”

“We’re slow learners. I’ll figure it out one of these days.”

She smiled. “Take your time. Shall we, Sister?”

They did a ritual. It was alright.

Luna led the way to wherever we were going next. Celestia and I walked side by side. “So Navarone, what exactly happened?”

“Twilight gave me something called strychnine for my tea. She tried to give me a nerve agent next. Taya wasn’t hurt, was she?”

“No, she is fine. Understandably upset, but fine. Your friends—and Chrysalis—have been worried about you.”

“Chrysalis is one of my friends. You wouldn’t happen to know where all of my clothes have gone, would you?”

“I’m afraid not. I don’t micromanage my subjects down to the clothing they wear. I know there was one fine set of clothes laid out for you in your hospital room, though. Oh, and one ratty, moth-eaten set; I don’t know who had that nasty thing put there for you.”

“I see. Why was my blood amber?”

“That would be your liquefied organs,” Luna merrily answered.

Celestia darted a small glare at her sister, who hadn’t looked back anyway. Her gazed softened when it turned to me. “That is one belief. The other is that you are reacting further with the spell we cast upon you and turning more tree-like. We didn’t really know how to te—”

She cut off at the sound of my dagger drawing. I drew another slice across my hand. After a moment, reddish-amber blood leaked up.

“So why did the mutation occur so quickly?” I asked. “Just a few hours before that, I had been bleeding red blood, and it was just fine.”

Celestia grimaced and healed my hand. “We think it is because your body had to. If it hadn’t done that, you would have died. Slow moving blood is probably one of the things that saved you. Innate magic like this always seeks to benefit the pony that it resides inside, unless it was specifically made as a curse. By all rights, Nav, you should be dead.”

“I’ve heard that before. More and more, it seems. How long before everyone starts waking up? I have things to attend to.”

“Navarone, please. You don’t need to continue your actions with Chrysalis. From her behavior thus far, I know her mettle. I saw your first day with her, remember?”

“Yeah, but I like watching her squirm, and bringing Pinkie to her is a great way to do that.”

“And you call me sadistic. I will not forbid you from talking to her, but remember that it is her fault that all of this occurred.”

“Meh. Do you happen to know what Spike is doing today?”

“I believe he has a party planned. Other than that, I do not know.” Awesome, I woke up in time for the party.

“So, any idea where I’m going to be living from now on? Or do I need to find a place myself?”

“You are still living with Twilight, last I heard,” Celestia said.

“That crazy cunt just tried to deep six my ass.”

“I didn’t understand half of the words Nav just said, but she tried to kill him!” Luna said.

“No, she was trying to test something. It was my fault you almost died, Nav. I was the one that told Twilight how you survived being poisoned and I was the one that allowed her to keep the hate poison you spit up.”

“I’m not even going to bother going into everything wrong with that statement because we both know it’s bullshit. As long as she isn’t going to go that crazy again, I can continue living with her.” Though I will definitely start looking for houses for sale.

“Good. I was hoping you would be reasonable about it.”

“Oh, and thank you both for saving me. I’m really starting to wish I didn’t end up in so many positions wherein I needed saving.”

“It’s a good thing you’re going to be one of our knights, soon,” Luna said. “Then we’ll have a reason to keep saving you!”

“Yeah. Right. Celestia, the next time you see Twilight, tell her that I will never under any circumstances talk about what happened and that trying to make me do it increases the chances of her horn getting mounted on my wall. I am going to do my best to pretend it never happened because if I don’t, I’ll probably fly off the handle.”

“You humans have some really strange phrases,” Celestia commented offhand.

“Are you going to tell her?” I asked.

“Navarone, you two really should talk about what’s bothering you both.”

“What’s bothering me is that she just tried to kill me. I don’t know what got her panties in a twist.”

“Really, really strange phrases…”

“Are you going to tell her or not? If you won’t, I’ll get someone else to do it.”

She sighed. “I will. After breakfast.” Thankfully, we were at the door.

“I’ll see you both later. I believe I have things to take care of and a daughter to find.”

Luna said, “I can tell you where to find Taya.” I looked at her. “If you eat with us.”

“Very well. I haven’t eaten in some time.” I let them in first, what with them being princesses and all. They sat at opposite ends of the table. There wasn’t a chair in the center, but rather two on either side leading up to both ends.

So that’s how it’s gonna be. I smiled, pulled half of the chairs out of one side and pulled the other chair to the center of the table, so I was directly between the two.

“It’s just a spot at the table, Nav,” Luna said with a smirk.

“Right. And I’m a fluffy pony.”

“Well, your face is looking a bit fluffy,” Celestia mused. “But if you’re a pony, I need to get my eyes checked.”

I looked to her plate. “You really like cake, don’t you?”

“There’s a reason she’s so much bigger than everypony else, Nav,” Luna slyly commented.

“Are you calling me fat?” Celestia demanded.

“I know where this is going,” I said. “Cool it.”

Neither of them listened. “I wouldn’t say fat.” Celestia nodded once. “Corpulent might fit, though.”

Celestia glared down the table. I calmly reached out and grabbed something. She followed my arm to me and grinned. “Navarone. You don’t think I’m fat, do you?”

I looked Celestia up and down. “I think that this is childish.” She pouted. “Celestia, you’re… x-thousand years old. If you are getting your feelings hurt by being called fat, there’s a problem.”

“He didn’t say no,” Luna whispered.

I bit into the banana I had grabbed with a sigh. Silence reigned at the table for a moment.

“So did you really steal ‘Tia’s crown?” Luna asked with a grin.

“Yep. I can only imagine the look on her face when the Cutie Mark Crusaders ran into the throne room with it.”

Celestia let off a loud humph and looked to Luna. “You wouldn’t think it so amusing if it had been your crown he stole.”

Luna stuck her tongue out. “He likes me too much to take it.”

Celestia grinned. “Or he’s too afraid. I think he just trusts me enough to know I wouldn’t hurt him for it.”

I grabbed something else from the table. I think I was the only one actually eating.

“You know I would never hurt you Nav, right?” Luna sweetly asked.

I bit into a roll. I looked at her and eyed her crown as I chewed. When I swallowed, I said, “I know what you two are doing and it won’t work.”

As I finished off the roll, Celestia whispered, “He didn’t say yes.”

Silence ruled the table as I grabbed something else. The other two actually started eating. After a few minutes, Celestia said, “So. Navarone.” She stopped.

Luna picked up, “Have you given any thought as to which of us you are going to swear to yet?”

I looked at Luna for a moment. I shifted my gaze to Celestia for just as long. I pushed myself back from the table. “I have eaten with you. Where is Taya?” I knew they were both just fucking with me, but it was getting old.

Celestia looked up from her cup. “Hm? Oh, yes. She asked to stay with Chrysalis until you were better.”

“And you denied her offhand, right?”

“Do I look like I have hands?”

“Wow. This is the first time I have honestly, seriously considered murdering you. I’ve said I was going to do it before, but holy shit.”

Luna said, “Nav, Chrysalis isn’t going to hurt anypony you like. You are probably the only pony here she respects. Taya requested to stay with her, so we allowed it.”

“Taya is a lot smarter than anyone gives her credit for,” I said. “Twilight thinks she knows how smart she is, but even I don’t know how deep her mind goes. I trust her, really I do, but… wow. Still, I applaud her decision. A lot.”

“And why is that, Navarone?” Celestia calmly asked.

“Because it insults everyone here,” I answered, smiling. “Of every one of the people I know here, she chose to stay with the fucking evil bug thing that just tried to kill everyone. She trusts the one everyone should trust the least and snubbed the hell out of everyone else in doing it. That’s something I would have thought to do.”

“So you are saying she’s learning from you,” Celestia happily asked.

“Yeah. Yeah, I suppose she is.” I thought back to when we were on the boat together, right after we got attacked by pirates. I remembered her devious suggestion to use herself as a shield against the unicorns. I don’t think she learned that much from me that quickly. I think her mind is just fucked up.

I liked it.

“I’ll be off, then,” I said with a nod to the two of them.

“You never answered my question, Nav,” Luna sweetly said.

I was already headed to the door. “You’re right, I didn’t,” I said as I opened it and left. I went straight to Chrysalis’s room.

Doppel answered at the first knock and let me in as soon as she saw me. I entered and sat across from Chrysalis, noting Taya napping on the other couch.

I crossed my fingers in front of me. “Are you still interested in taking over Equestria?” I asked.

Chrysalis looked at me. I wasn’t smiling or frowning. I don’t know what my face looked like, but it probably wasn’t pleasant.

“No,” she finally answered. “I believe I am content.”

“Can you be convinced otherwise? I believe Equestria might need a change of management, and I am not fit to rule.”

“And I am not fit to rule ponies. I have learned much in the time since we last spoke. No, Navarone. I will not help you stage a coup.”

“Disappointing.” Her eyes widened momentarily. I think she thought I had been joking. “I trust Taya has not been a problem.”

“She is quiet. And she has had several visitors, all of whom she sent away without a word. I have had considerably fewer come by to see me. Whatever was done to Twilight Sparkle was not enough, I believe; you were on death’s doorstep when Celestia and Luna conceded to allow me to aid you.”

“I have been assured that she has been—or is being, I am not certain which—punished. She has had bouts with crazy in the past. I do not wish to discuss this any longer. Have you found Pinkie Pie, or does she continue to elude you?”

“I have not. I also have not looked, but I have let word get out that I would like to speak to her.”

“Then allow me to try something. Don’t freak out if this works.” I waited for her nod. “Pinkie, you can come out now.”

Pinkie stuck her head out of my shirt. “Aw Nav, how’d you know I was in here?”

I.

Don’t.

Even.

Know.

The rest of her popped out of my shirt. Chrysalis actually gaped.

“Wow, you’re really warm in there! No wonder you wear those clothes!” She giggled and then turned her gaze upon Chrysalis. “Hi! I’m Pinkie Pie!”

Chrysalis was still trying to work this out in her mind. I leaned out of my seat and gently pushed her mouth closed. She shook her head, sending her mossy hair everywhere. “Hello, Pinkamena,” she finally said. “I am Queen Chrysalis.”

Pinkie suddenly had Chrysalis’s hoof and was shaking it very vigorously. “You can just call me Pinkie!” She suddenly gasped very loudly. “Oh oh, can I call you Chrissy?”

Chrysalis jerked her hoof back. “No, you may not.”

“Pinkie, take a chill pill. You’re dealing with someone as highly ranked as Celestia or Luna.”

“They make pills that make you colder?” she asked me, somehow sounding even more excited. She seemed to deflate a bit as she said, “Or did you just mean ice?” She inflated again. “Because chill pill is a much cooler sounding name for ice! I think I’ll start calling it that!”

“Can I talk to the sane Pinkie now? Is she in there today?”

“Nope, just me!” She turned back to Chrysalis. “So do you whistle when you fly? I bet those holes help you go really fast!”

Chrysalis looked like she was in physical pain at the moment. “You are worse than Navarone when I started messing with his mind.”

“I didn’t take your crown, though. What is that made of, anyway? It looks really neat!” Before Chrysalis could answer, though, Pinkie was gushing over her wings. “Oh, they’re so cool! Can I touch them?”

Chrysalis enveloped Pinkie in a green aura and pushed her back several feet. “I would be grateful if you stayed over there,” she said. “I am not used to being touched.”

“Oh, so you’re like Nav. He never got over that either!”

“I swear I’m going to fucking kill Twilight,” I said.

“Oh, relax! She didn’t tell me, I read it from your journals! I got bored after I finished planning the party and I was just wandering around the palace when I came across some interesting looking papers. I didn’t know what they were so I just started reading!”

“I left them in Celestia’s private room! What the hell were you doing in there?”

“Oh, you know.” She turned back to Chrysalis. “You guys can change into anything, right? Can you do me?”

Chrysalis closed her eyes and I swear I heard her counting to ten. “Doppel, come here,” she said when she opened her eyes again. Doppel hesitantly stepped forward. “Turn into Pinkamena.”

“You can call me Pinkie!”

Doppel and Chrysalis looked at her for a moment. Chrysalis turned to Doppel. “Turn into Pinkamena.”

“You can call me—Ooh!” Doppel turned into Pinkie, but with a darker shade of pink and straight hair.

I looked from Pinkie to Doppel and back. “Pinkie, you should totally straighten your hair. I know it’s just a personal opinion, but you look better that way.”

“I’ll think about it,” she answered. “You can do Pinkamena, but can you do Pinkie?”

Doppel looked to Chrysalis and shrugged. Suddenly, her hair poofed and she grew a few shades brighter.

Pinkie giggled for a moment before saying, “Eh, I’ve seen better. Can you do anypony else?”

Chrysalis scowled. “Pinkamena, we are changelings. We can turn into any animals.”

“You can call me Pinkie!” Chrysalis looked at her. Pinkie was wearing a massive smile. “Can you turn into a—Ooh, can you do a dragon?”

Doppel turned into Kumani.

“What about a human?” Doppel turned into me. “What about… a female human?”

Doppel looked at me. I scratched at my beard and leaned back a bit. “If you really want, I can give you a memory. But if I ever see that form outside of this moment, I’ll kill you in the most painful way I can possibly imagine.”

“I can take that deal,” she said, walking over to me in my own body. She held out my hand and I grasped it. I thought back and back… I haven’t seen you in too long. Doppel shifted and I felt the hand in mine grow lighter, softer. Doppel sighed happily. “Tasty.” I looked at her and saw the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen standing there.

I won’t describe how I felt.

“You look different from Twilight when she was a human,” Pinkie mused, holding a hoof to her face.

“Lilith was not—” I stopped when I realized how dark my voice sounded. “Continue.” I’m glad I couldn’t hear my own voice, but I know Chrysalis looked pained to have heard it and Pinkie looked like I slapped her. I was trying not to look at Doppel, and I was very happy Taya was still asleep.

“Um… What about… a clown?” Pinkie was trying but it was obvious she wasn’t into it anymore. Doppel shifted into a clown pony.

“Navarone, are you okay?” Chrysalis asked, some concern actually showing in her voice.

“That memory… That event. Never discuss it. Some things should never be remembered. I will leave it at that.”

They all nodded, surprisingly; I wouldn’t be surprised to see Pinkie bothering me about it later, but I think even she has some manner of impulse controls when it comes to that.

“Now, continue,” I said, nodding to Pinkie.

Her smile and normal attitude reappeared as she turned to Chrysalis. “So when can I throw you a party?”

“When Tartarus freezes over,” she answered.

Pinkie got a calculating look on her face. “I’m going to need a bunch of chill pills… Can we push it to tomorrow instead? I know everypony is busy with the wedding and all, but tomorrow should give most of them time to be there and still make the wedding with no trouble!”

Chrysalis sighed. “This is inevitable, isn’t it?” she asked me.

“Yeah, sadly. I was able to get out of a welcoming party, but it took more time than I would ever care to admit to manage it, and I don’t even want to go over the reasoning behind it.”

“You lied and told me you were allergic to parties and didn’t tell me you were lying until everypony already knew you!”

“Yeah, but do you remember how long it took to convince you the allergy I had was actually deathly?” I looked at Chrysalis. “She wanted me to push through the allergy attack to have the party.”

“And they called me barbaric,” Chrysalis answered. “I suppose I would be wasting my time telling you that I am allergic to parties?”

“You were at the wedding,” Pinkie said. “That’s kinda like a party.”

I looked Pinkie dead in the eyes. “Pinkie, how do you think Chrysalis started looking like that?” I said, waving my hands to her body. “I mean, holes in her hooves and wings? Do you really think that’s healthy? Did she look like that before the wedding?”

“Well, now that you mention it… She did look a lot different before the wedding. And then there was that big green explosion.” Pinkie gasped again. “Was that you sneezing? That’s so cool!” She reached over and somehow plucked one of my feathers and tickled Chrysalis under the nose.

Chrysalis didn’t move or react at all, just stared at Pinkie. After a moment of that, she turned to me. “When should I tell her that I can turn feeling on and off in my carapace?”

“Give her a few more minutes. She looks so happy.”

Chrysalis turned back and looked at Pinkie disdainfully. After a moment, Pinkie pulled the feather back and gave it a funny look. She rubbed it under her nose and gave a massive sneeze that woke Taya up.

She sat up, bleary-eyed, and smiled when she saw me. Then she looked around the room really quickly and saw both Chrysalis and Doppel and smiled even wider and cleared the entire carpet between her couch and my chair and landed on my lap.

“Oh, there you are Taya!” Pinkie said, watching her. “Wow, you even sleep silently!”

“Well, someone has to, the way my dad snores,” she answered, making herself comfortable.

“Nav doesn’t snore,” Pinkie said with some confusion.

“How would you know that?” Chrysalis asked.

“Oh, I watch him sleep sometimes.” Chrysalis and Doppel both blinked at that. “Anyway, your party! There isn’t that much we can do in this room, but since you can go wherever you want now, we could have it anywhere!”

“Wait, you watch him sleep?” Doppel asked.

“Only sometimes. Princess Celestia doesn’t like it when I host parties in the throne room anymore, so it shouldn’t be there. The dining hall is usually free, so we can do it there! I still have my party cannon, so it shouldn’t take me long to set up.”

“Pinkamena—”

“You can call me Pinkie!”

“I don’t believe it is healthy to watch ponies sleep.”

“Yeah, well, Nav isn’t a pony. At least, not anymore. Now, about the party—”

Doppel asked, “When was he a pony?”

“Oh, it was only for a week or so. It was a lot of fun! Here, let me show you!” Pinkie grabbed Doppel with both of her front hooves and brought their heads together.

“I think that might be a bad idea,” I tried saying. I was, of course, ignored.

After a moment, Doppel turned into me as a stallion. “That tasted… odd,” she commented in my voice.

Chrysalis looked pony-me over with a smile. “I must say, I approve. What brought this turn of events about?” she asked me.

“Magic events most foul,” I answered.

“There weren’t any birds involved,” Pinkie said, confused again. Scootaloo did feature, though. “Well, you did get wings, but I don’t remember there being any birds in the story!”

We looked at her for a moment after her outburst. Then we turned back to look at each other and I gave a truncated version of how I ended up a pony. “The happiness I gave you a few days ago was actually from my second time as a pony, at the Gala,” I said. “I had way too much fun that night…”

“And it is possible for you to assume that shape again?” Chrysalis asked.

“Yeah, but you would have to know the spell. Apparently it’s hard to cast; Twilight can do it, though, so I’m sure you can as well if you knew it.”

“I did not know such magic was possible for ponies,” she said.

“Luna had to do a lot of research to figure out how to reverse it,” I said. “And they couldn’t—or wouldn’t—get rid of the wings. And it takes a lot of magic. Twilight can’t turn herself into a human because of her cutie mark; the only reason I can turn back and forth is because I don’t have one. The entire process is incredibly disorienting. I can’t imagine the amount of time it takes you guys to learn how to get over that.”

“It comes naturally for us,” Chrysalis asked. “And we are always changelings on the inside; if you cut us when we are a pony, we will bleed green instead of red. That spell is different; it actually changes what you are rather than what you look like.”

Pinkie sighed. “I wouldn’t mind being a human for a day…”

“Pinkie, it would really suck. I’ve been over that with you.”

“I know, but you should always try everything at least once in life!”

I muttered, “Then go get cancer.” She didn’t hear me, which was probably good. Louder, I said, “So your party is tomorrow in the dining hall. I assume Pinkie means the larger one, not any of the private ones.” She got a pensive look on her face but I rushed through before she could say anything, “A time must be picked and invitations must be sent. I’m sure you can manage all of that, Pinkie.”

“Already done!” she said with a smile.

“Oh, so I’m not invited?” I asked.

“Duh, check your pocket!”

I checked my pocket and nothing was there.

“Your other pocket, Nav.”

I checked that one and pulled out an envelope. “Pinkie, this wasn’t here when I sat down.”

“I was in your clothes for a while, Nav. It was a lot of fun!”

It was my turn to close my eyes and count to ten. When I finished, I opened the thing. When I opened the actual card, confetti blasted out and hit me in the face. That was relatively normal for a Pinkie invite, though, so it didn’t faze me.

When I finished reading it, I passed it to Chrysalis with an “I’m so sorry.”

She raised an eyebrow and looked at the invitation. When she read it, she looked back up to me. “I saved your life and this is how you repay me? You better make it up to me during the reception.”

“I’ve already promised you that we’re going to have fun then. You’ll just have to take my word for it.”

Pinkie said, “Oooh! You two have plans?”

“Just two old souls, drowning our sorrows and regrets together,” I answered her. “I know I’m sure as hell not going to that reception.”

“And despite having forgiven me, Cadance requested that I not attend the wedding or the reception,” Chrysalis added.

“So we decided to enjoy each other’s company,” I finished with a shrug.

“So you two are going on a date?” Pinkie asked, somewhat confused. “I thought you had a thing going with Princess Luna!”

“Pinkie, what have I told you about thinking? And no, it isn’t so much a date as it is a meeting between the loneliest two souls on the planet. What we decide to do there…” I shrugged.

“You’re not lonely, silly-filly!”

“I’m not silly.”

“You have me and Taya!”

“And I’m not a girl, so filly doesn’t apply.”

“And all of the rest of our friends!”

“And I’m pretty sure I’m… How old are you, anyway?”

“And all of the rest of Equestria likes you too! I mean, they’ll have to, if you’re going to be a knight!”

“God, I should have hung out with you more when I was crazy. Maybe then Twilight wouldn’t have tried to murder me.”

“Who’s God?” Pinkie asked.

“I’ll tell you later. Maybe. Now, party details. Or party planning, if you’ve already discussed everything with Chrysalis. I’m sure she needs time to prepare, after all.”

Pinkie turned to Chrysalis. “You don’t need to prepare. You can just come as you are! Everypony’s gonna be there to see you, after all!”

Chrysalis did not look overly amused. “This will be my… first party, I suppose. I will nee—Why are you looking at me like that?”

Pinkie looked like she was about to have a joygasm. “YOUR FIRST PARTY!” she finally managed to squeal in delight. “I’ll make it super-extra-special!” She gasped. “I need to go do some more planning!” She dashed out the door, leaving the side-opening thing spinning on a center-axis that it didn’t physically have.

I turned to Chrysalis and saw her watching the door do what shouldn’t be possible. “Don’t ask,” I said. “No one knows how she does it and braver men than me have given up trying to understand.” Well, braver ponies. I did have a theory, but I kept it to myself because I was afraid of what might happen if I voiced it.

“Why is she not in a psych ward?” Chrysalis finally asked. “I could see into her mind. She is only half there. The other half is… empty. Emptier than even your mind.”

“Because a strait jacket won’t hold her and trying to keep her in one place makes her angry. That’s why we humor her. As far as I know, she isn’t actually dangerous, but then it’s also really hard to make her angry.”

She looked at the invitation again. “I suppose not attending the party might manage that?”

“Pinkie parties are not optional,” I answered. “Bad things happen to those that do not attend parties that are being held for them.”

“I see. I have done painful things in the past, but I never came to enjoy it. I suppose this shall be another thing to add to my list.” She flew the invitation to a desk or something next to the wall. “I know you just woke up, but I don’t suppose you have a busy day planned?”

“I do have some things I need to take care of, and I have a bachelor party I need to mediate—I’m giving them some of my reserves of alcohol and I need to make sure no one gets hurt. I don’t know the time of the bachelor party yet, so I’ll need to go before too long to make sure Spike didn’t do something stupid like plan it in the morning. As far as I know I should be free most of tomorrow and most of the wedding day, but then no one ever tells me a damn thing until it’s time for me to do it. If they can’t find me they can’t tell me I’m needed, though.”

“You have a practical mind. It is good to have you back among the ranks of the sane,” Chrysalis said. “Although I do admit, it was interesting having you in that state. It is a shame I was unable to see Celestia without her crown. And when you called her bald… I wish I had seen the look on her face.”

“It was certainly unique,” I said with a grin. “But I am glad to be back. It is amazing what being betrayed by another of your friends does to the mind. Though since this is her second betrayal, I suppose it didn’t hurt as much. There was that one time she left me alone against hundreds of dragons.”

“How many times have these ponies done this to you?”

“Oh, five or so. Twilight with the dragons, Twilight with the poison, Rarity and Pinkie with… what they did, Rainbow Dash and Luna with the dingonek, and Twilight and Rainbow Dash—and now Pinkie—for reading my journals. Only three of those actually physically injured me, though. I’m done trusting these damn ponies. I’ll work with them because I have no choice, but they’ll be hard-pressed to make me like it.”

“You know… you could come with me, when this is all over and I am freed.”

“I am too useful for Celestia to let me leave. Until I find a way to nullify magic, they can track me if I try to run. I am stuck.”

“I… see. Before you depart, would you mind if I fed? I have not found any willing partners in the time you were away.”

“Take want you want,” I said.

She stood and gracefully walked to me. “I can take what I want? Anything I want?”

“If my brain is stratified into times, stay within two years. If it isn’t, take only that which has ponies in it, no humans. I was a fool for remembering…”

Her horn glowed green and she bent down to me. I felt something leave my mind, but I don’t know what. “Memories are usually so stale,” she said with a sigh. “But yours seem to have a certain… bite… to them.”

“That’s because I never forgive and I never forget,” I said as I stood, letting Taya down easily. “All the pain and all the sorrow builds and builds and stays constantly fresh. We shall speak later, at the party if not before. Come, Taya.”

We left a very confused Chrysalis behind us.

As we walked down the hall to try to find a small dragon, Taya said, “You aren’t mad at me, are you?”

“No. I think what you did was brilliant, even if you didn’t do it for the reasons I think it’s so awesome.”

“I told them all you wouldn’t be mad. Apparently when Rarity heard, she nearly fainted. All of them but Pinkie and Twilight came by to try to convince me to go with them.”

“I’m not going to say what you did was the right thing, but it was probably the best thing. I’m a terrible influence on you.”

“I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

“You are going to turn into a kickass mare when you get older, Taya. I almost feel bad for your mate, if you ever find one.”

She smiled but didn’t answer.

“So, if you were a dragon, where would you be?”

“A cave full of treasure.”

“If you were a brainwashed, ponified, baby dragon that was tied to the apron strings of a damnable unicorn, where would you be?”

“Wherever the damnable unicorn told me to be.”

“That’s a bad word. Don’t use it when important people are around.”

“What about unimportant people?”

“Well, who the fuck cares what they think? The only reason you need to be careful around Celestia is because she has the power to make me suffer. I’d kick the ass of just about anyone else that gets mad at me for being a bad influence.” Especially since I already said I would be a bad parent.

“I’ll remember that.”

“Just don’t go lying to me about someone you don’t like saying anything like that. I have a pretty good bullshit detector.”

“I’m pregnant.” She said it so matter-of-factly that I actually stopped mid-step and stumbled a bit.

“Who’s the son of a bitch?! I’ll kill him!” I gripped my dagger. “Wait, that’s not possible. You’re too yo—Wait. How old are you, anyway?” Why don’t I know anyone’s ages here?

“You know I was lying, right?”

“Well, duh. I don’t think you even know any colts. Or stallions. Whatever they’re being called these days. I’ve just always wanted to be an angry dad ranting about some dick that stole his daughter’s innocence. Since I’ve already corrupted your mind, I’ll have to settle for being an angry dad forcing a guy into a shotgun wedding because he got you preggers.”

“I’ll remember that too.”

“Just don’t go evil with it. These ponies are too useful to start killing them offhand.”

“You don’t seem to be selling that idea to Chrysalis very well.”

“Well yeah. I need her to trust me. The more foreign leaders I have on my side, the more places I have to go when I inevitably push Celestia too far.”

“As long as you take me with you.”

“Of course.” I wouldn’t want her to be used against me, after all. “Now, we really do need to find Spike.”

“To the library?”

“Of course.” And hope to high heaven that Twilight wasn’t there.

We found Spike surrounded by a fuckload of books, drooling slightly on one that was open under his sleeping form.

“Dude, the librarian’s gonna be pissed when he sees that.” Spike jerked but didn’t wake up. I poked him a few times. He swatted at me. I leaned down and whispered, “Rarity’s here,” into his ear.

He jumped up and I quickly leaned back, looking over his books. “Where is she?” he exclaimed, looking around wildly and wiping his face.

“Where’s who?” I asked, looking at him. “Dude, the librarian’s gonna be pissed at this mess.”

“He can bring it up with you. I’m here because you asked me to be, after all. And because Twilight has been… Never mind.” He looked down at the book he had been sleeping on and grimaced in distaste before shrugging and slamming it closed. “None of these books have been looked at in forever anyway. There’s a lot of strange stuff out there, Nav. I mean, I found out that there are actually three orders of knights, even though everypony only ever remembers one. Or two, now that Luna is back.”

“Three orders, you say?” Now that stroked my interest.

“Yeah. Solar, Lunar, and Umbral. The Solar knights swear to Celestia and the Lunar swear to Luna, but the Umbral knights swear to do whatever is best for Equestria at whatever the cost. There haven’t been many of them in the past, of course. They typically work in the shadows and manipulate events from afar, but there have been a few exceptions. Oh man, now I’m sounding like an egghead! What time is it? The bachelor party will get my mind on straight!”

“Eh, it’s around noon or so. What more can you tell me about the Umbral knights?”

“They don’t have to take orders from either Princess, and can actually countermand their orders if they think it is for the best. Which is, of course, another reason why there have been so few of them. However, while a Solar or Lunar knight can be any species, Umbral knights have to be ponies.” He shrugged. “There’s a lot of history involved with all of that.” Fuck. That’s racist.

“So how can I go about getting unknighted?”

“Oh, that’s almost impossible. You have to do something incredibly inappropriate like murder or something.”

“What about breaking my armor? I’ve heard that would work.”

He giggled. “I went against your requests and looked up a few stories about knights. Breaking your armor only works in stories.” Dammit, Rarity. “So have you decided which kind of knight you want to be yet?”

“Fuck it, I’m siding with Luna. You find anything else interesting?”

“All kinds of things. Most of it was… really boring. But apparently any prince or princess can form their own knight order. If you really don’t want to be a Solar or Lunar knight, you could probably ask Cadance if she would have you.”

“And become a love knight? Fuck no. I don’t suppose there’s any other royal blood running around this castle? I had never heard of Cadance until a week ago, so I wouldn’t be surprised if there was.”

He shrugged. “They appear and disappear randomly.” SOMEONE ELSE NOTICES!

“If you want to go tell Rarity that I’m going Lunar, I’ll put these books up.”

He jumped all over that opportunity, of course. I put all the books up—thankfully, this library had been reorganized since I got into this world to the Dewey Decimal system. It didn’t take that long to get them all away.

Still, that’s really disappointing. I was hoping for a deus ex machina or something to avoid having to commit to either side. I always strive for equality, though, and I know Luna is currently on a much lower footing than her sister. Me signing up with her will bring her closer to Celestia. And it’ll force her to attend the wedding. I guess I could just murder someone or something to get unknighted.

With the books put away, Taya and I went down to the kitchens. She needed food and I wanted to grab one of the booze barrels to drop it off in my room.

“Living in the palace is awesome,” I said as I carried a barrel full of booze back to my room.

“Why do you say that?” Taya asked.

“All the food we could want, we have our run of the library, I don’t have to do my own laundry, the shower goes hotter, and I don’t have to put up with a shitload of ponies every time I turn around.” Oh, there are plenty of ponies in the palace, but I didn’t have to talk to any of them.

“Then why don’t we live here?”

“Because the rest of this city fucking sucks. Nowadays, most of the ponies in Ponyville are either really friendly or passive about my existence. Here in Canterlot, they’re mostly snooty, those that aren’t afraid. No one says anything to my face, but I hear whispers and I can see the glances.” Snooty fuckers.

When we got to my room, I caught a princess rooting through my stuff. I whispered to Taya, “Wait here.” I set the barrel down in the hall as silently as I could. I snuck up behind Celestia, who was currently rooting under my bed with her flank in the air. I grabbed her on both sides where her cutie marks were and gently tugged her back into me. “Can I help you, Celestia?” I asked. She jerked her head up from under my bed and turned to me with a red face.

“I’m just… looking for laundry?”

“I thought you didn’t micromanage the clothing of those under you.”

She smiled at that, some of the redness going away. “You know the only way I like you under me is when we’re not worrying about clothes.” I think her blush transferred to my face.

“Uh huh. Well, if you’re really looking for clothes…” I walked over to the drawer with all of her livery in it. “I have a bunch I think I will no longer need.” I pulled the drawer out and held it up for her.

She nodded. “Good. You are the first proper knight my little sister will have raised in… over two thousand years, I think. She would have been crushed if you chose me.”

“I’m not stupid, Celestia. Even if I did have a bout with crazy. That’s not to say I’m particularly smart—” I did, after all, drink all of the poisoned tea. “—but I know that I’m going to be living a while and I know I can, given the chance, love Luna.”

“And yet here you are seducing a queen. And telling all manner of lies to her as well.”

I shrugged. “Old habits die hard. You really need to plan an orgy for the four of us, though I think you’d be hard pressed to convince the other two to join.” For some reason, she blushed at that. I slid the drawer back in the chest because I was tired of holding it.

“Oh, are you reconsidering?”

“No, I’m just tired of holding it. Not all of us are graced with such squishy bottoms that act as convenient tables.”

“You didn’t seem to mind it.”

“Hey, I’m a human; I like squishy. Of course, well-toned also has… advantages.” I am so glad I left Taya in the hall.

“Hmm. I’m going to have to find a way to get Luna to share you. Your silver tongue is just so… delightful.”

“Humans view sex differently than some. I have no trouble differentiating the physical from the emotional. As long as I don’t have to worry about knocking anyone up, I’m good to go.”

“That should never be a problem, with magic on our side.”

“I’ll leave the convincing up to you. It never goes well if a guy tries to do it. Or you could just casually mention one day that you know how humans view sex; that way she won’t think oddly if I end up sexing half the castle.”

“You do tend to go through the mares, don’t you?”

“Hey, a guy’s gotta have fun while he can. And since I’m pretty sure Luna is still in love with me, when the seven years ends I’ll probably end up shackled to her, unless she agrees on an open relationship of sorts.”

“Open means that she is free as well, you know.”

“I’m okay with that, as long as she doesn’t get knocked up or diseased. I don’t think I’m biologically compatible with any diseases here, though, so it wouldn’t matter overly much if she did.”

“You know, I’ve got a bit of time…”

“Taya’s in the hall.” She sighed. “That’s your fault, not mine. I’m sure we can find some time to continue this, if you’re really interested. Though when you have as many guards as you do, I can’t imagine you really need someone like me for stuff like this.”

“Navarone, you know the reasoning behind that. Now sadly, if we aren’t going to be having a bit of fun, I need to depart. No pony seems to know how to do anything themselves anymore.”

“You’d go crazy without doing princess things all day. If you really get bored of it, just turn into a chair again. I’ll make sure to find you every day and oil you.”

“I might just do that. Until later, Nav.” She left, thankfully leaving my regular clothes behind. Taya trotted in, carrying the barrel with magic.

“If you could have done that, why was I toting that thing all the way here?”

“You didn’t ask me to carry it.”

Thankfully it wasn’t a heavy barrel. “Whatevs. Well, you got anything planned today?” She shook her head. “Any ideas on what you want to do?” Another head shake. “Well, if you’re interested, we could head to the library. I have some writing I could be doing and you have some magic stuff you could be doing.” She shrugged. “I know it’s boring, but at least you won’t have Twilight breathing down your neck. Hopefully. If she is there, though, I’m just gonna keep walking.”

“You really are a coward, aren’t you?”

“There’s a difference in being smart and being a coward. Twilight just recently tried to kill me, and I have yet to see any indication that she is in any manner of mood to not try to kill me again. Given that, I am forced to assume that she is going to try to kill me again the next time I see her.”

I really need to learn to leave my door shut when I say shit like that. In walked Twilight Sparkle.

“Taya, activate cuteness!” I ran for the window before it slammed shut with an orange aura. I didn’t stop and had already started jumping when an orange aura surrounded me. “You traitor!”

“How did you know it was me?” Taya asked, not dropping me.

“Duh, the aura is orange. If Twilight was doing it, the thing would be purple. Now let me go so I can continue running away!” I paused a beat. “I mean, strategically retreating.”

“Navarone, unicorns don’t release auras when doing magic,” Twilight said. "What are you talking about?”

“The only reason I’m still alive right now is because you want that question answered. I will hold onto the answer for dear life.”

“Fine. It can wait. I believe we need to have a talk.”

“I respect your opinion and I believe I understand why you hold it, but I disagree and am forced to ask you to cease.”

“Then it sure is a shame your daughter is currently on my side.”

“Why, Taya?”

“Because this is funny,” she answered. Sadistic, ungrateful little…

“Nav… I really don’t know what came over me. I was so mad at you and at the princess for what you both did to me… I tried studying something—anything—to get my mind off my anger. I remembered the poison in your room and I came to get it. When I saw the state of your… bed… my anger exploded. I was so mad that I couldn’t even concentrate on studying the poison! I couldn’t figure anything out about its composition, so I just tried… a little taste. A small drop. I don’t remember much after, until I woke up in a cell. No pony even told me what I did… No pony even knew. They just told me… that I almost killed you.” She was breaking up, now.

I hate dealing with tears.

“Twilight, have you ever heard of strychnine? Or perhaps sarin?” Oh, now she was really crying. “They don’t go well in tea. Or human bodies, as it turns out. Taya, let me go.” I gently fell to my feet. “Come, Twilight. You have physical changes to document. Apparently most of my organs were replaced with magic, and I have new blood now.” Oh great, I made it worse somehow. Now I have a crying super-powerful unicorn on my floor that just tried to kill me.

What would Batman do?

…I got nothing.

You know, I feel like I’ve been here before. My eyes drifted to the barrel. If it takes that full thing to get me and Chrysalis blasted, there’s a problem. Twilight should be a lightweight. “Taya, I need a flagon. Can you—” A cup floated next to me. “Thank you.” I used my knife to pop the top off the barrel and dipped the glass in there. I walked over to Twilight. “Here, Twilight. Drink a bit of this. It’ll help calm you down a bit.”

I had to kneel down and lift her head up to get her attention. When she saw the cup in my hands, she opened her mouth a bit. I took that as a sign and gave her a small sip. That turned into a large gulp when a bit of magic grabbed the glass. Before long, it was empty.

Then she just sank down to the floor, letting the cup fall.

“Alright. We all know what you did was fucked up, so I’m not going to mention that. We all know what I did that day was also fucked up. We all know what Celestia did was fucked up. You and I were not in our right minds at the time of our fucked-upedness. Celestia was, but we can’t do shit to her. I am willing and able to pretend this never happened if you are as well.” I stood and replaced the top of the barrel. “Think about it. As much as it pains me to say, we’ve become friends. I don’t want that ruined. Besides, Celestia apparently already punished you. As long as you don’t do this shit again, it’s over. If you try to take me from my daughter again, I am mounting your horn on my wall as a trophy. Taya, help me get her into bed.” Taya actually did all the work, picking her up and dropping her in my bed with ease. “Think about it, Twilight. Stay here as long as you need. And stay the fuck away from the rest of my booze; I have plans for it.”

I stopped long enough to grab all the papers from my desk and Taya and I left a rather distraught Twilight on my bed.

“You could have handled that a lot better,” she said when we were most of the way down the hall.

“I didn’t see you stepping in to help. Besides, if I haven’t told you before, I’m kind of an idiot. And a bit of a sociopath. Now, I ain’t got shit to do until the bachelor party… whenever it is. Assuming I’m actually invited. I guess we’re going to the library.” We walked in silence for a bit. “Oh, and if you see a pink alicorn, warn me. And don’t trap me with magic against her; she wants to talk about icky stuff like love. There’s a decent chance you can use cuteness against her, but if you do distract her long enough for me to get away, you need to run as well; she’ll probably want to play filly games with you.”

“Noted.”

Thankfully, we didn’t run into her. We made it to the library just fine. We spent a few hours in there. I proofread and corrected the plays I had been writing and she did whatever she does with magic books. I tried to read a few of those in my first year, but it was all literally gibberish to me; I can’t understand a word of any of the unicorn magic books. Not for lack of trying, of course. I spent a few hours trying to translate them before I asked Spike what the fuck was wrong with those books. He couldn’t read them either. I still secretly think all the unicorns are faking and just print nonsense to screw with everyone else, but meh.

However, you can only do stuff like that for so long before needing to move about a bit. We were there for probably four hours before moving on. Just… walking through the palace, taking a break.

And that’s when we ran into Cadance. Taya and I were turning a corner and there she was on the other side. I don’t know who was more surprised, but I’ve been in more life-or-death situations than she has, so I reacted first.

“Taya, activate cuteness!”

Nothing.

“…Taya?” I looked behind me and she was running down the hall. “Man, she must really hate the idea of filly games.”

“Navarone, what are you doing?” Cadance asked.

I turned to her and shrugged. “Getting ready to run from another princess. You?”

“Hunting down humans and forcing them to listen to relationship advice. You know, the usual.”

“Nice, nice. Good luck with that.” I turned and bolted for the nearest window.

I didn’t make it.

Cadance dragged me over to her. “You know what you need, Nav?”

“More alcohol than is strictly healthy?”

“Nope. Try again.”

“A sexy dragoness all over my junk?”

“Ew. Try again.”

“Immunity to magic? That would have helped a lot two days ago when Twilight attempted to murder me. Again.”

“I guess the third try isn’t the charm after all. I think you need… a makeover!”

“Oh fuck no.”

“I don’t know… it might make you more pliable. And I know Rarity would be overjoyed to help!”

“No, Rarity is still repressing guilt from the last fucked up thing she did to me. I think she’ll be on my side.”

“Oh, I’m sure it can’t be that bad.”

“She would still be in prison if anyone knew.”

“…What.”

“Can you let me go? I haven’t met my quota for running away from unicorns yet today.”

“No really. What?”

“I’m not telling you anything, pink temptress! Release me!”

“But we still haven’t had our talk!”

“Nor do I desire to. How about you go and plan your wedding night or something?”

She blushed lightly. “That’s already been taken care of. And it’s none of your business!”

“Yeah, whatever. If you need any tips, let me know. I can teach you all about the joys of BDSM.”

“What… what does that stan—You know what, I don’t want to know. I want our first time to be… special.”

“Yeah, well, good luck with that. Now how about you let me go?”

“Have you planned your wedding night with Luna yet? I could help you do that!”

I barked out a laugh. “Lady, it’s a bit too late to cross that road.” I loved causing that blush on her.

“There’s just no hope for you, is there?”

Before I could answer, I saw her eyes look behind me and widen. I would have turned to check, but I was kind of immobilized. I heard Chrysalis say, “Am I interrupting something? Perhaps a last minute lover’s tryst?”

Well, Chrysalis did a much better job at making Cadance blush than I did. I fell to the ground with a painful thud.

“We were just discussing—”

“You don’t have to hide your feelings, Cadance,” I said. “I’m sure Chrysalis understands; I mean, I am a pretty sexy beast.”

Chrysalis caught my game quickly. “Indeed. I’m sure we could arrange a quick ménage à trois.” She reached out a hoof to one of my wings and gently traced it. “I bet your Shining Armor wouldn’t notice. He might even appreciate a mare that’s a bit more… experienced.”

Cadance gulped and took a step back. “I uh… I have… princess things to do!” She bolted back the way she came.

We burst out laughing. Well, I burst out laughing and she chuckled a few times. I picked myself to my feet. “Thanks for the save there. Crazy cunt has been trying to trap me for a week. I think the only reason she stopped when we were in those damn caves is because there was no thrill of the hunt.”

“You are welcome, Navarone. And you need to thank Taya as well; she is the one that brought me here.”

“Well, she sure is doing a good job of hiding; I don’t see her.” I didn’t, either. Wait, there she was, trotting down the hall.

“I had to do a bit of speed walking to get here on time,” Chrysalis said with a shrug.

“A queen exerting herself on my behalf? I’m honored.” I hope the sarcasm wasn’t too much.

“I believe this is the second time I have saved your life—or at least, your sanity. You definitely owe me now.”

“Well given that you tried to kill me once, I think I only owe you for saving my sanity. And since you helped drive me insane there for a while, I think we might be about even.”

She grinned, giving me an interesting view of her sharp teeth. “Then find another situation in which I can save you, so you owe me.”

“I don’t know… it seems dangerous to go around owing royalty favors. I know it hasn’t done me any good here.”

“Are you comparing sweet and loving Queen Chrysalis to hateful and cruel Celestia?” she asked, pretending to sound hurt.

“Hateful and cruel who?” we heard Celestia’s voice say as she turned the corner that Cadance fled to.

“Cheese it?” I whispered to Taya. She nodded. I started to the window again before I was grabbed by three spells at once.

Celestia and Cadance had walked around the corner. Their horns were glowing. I noticed that Chrysalis’s was as well. Well, this just got interesting. Taya was gone.

“Ladies, please! There’s enough of me to go around.”

“Ugh!” Cadance groaned. “See, Auntie! I swear, he’s just totally depraved!” I noticed that her horn had stopped glowing.

Celestia looked at her for a moment before turning her gaze to me. “Navarone, do you know what I do to naughty colts?”

“I don’t know, but I hope it involves chains and whips.”

Cadance groaned again. “I don’t know what Luna ever saw in you!” She got a very shocked look on her face, her eyes going to pinpricks as she looked at Chrysalis. Apparently she didn’t know Chrysalis knew. When Chrysalis didn’t react, she just groaned again. “And he brags about it to random mares! Auntie, do something!”

Celestia looked at me and licked her lips. “I think I know just how to drain the lust out of him,” she said in a sultry voice. “It’ll take… repeat performances, though.” She took a step closer to me and winked at Chrysalis.

“And I would love to do my royal duty to assist you, Celestia. I think I know just the form to take to help, too.” She turned into Cadance with a filthy grin. “Anything to improve relations between our ponies…” She, too, took a step closer.

The real Cadance was just gaping. After a moment, she gagged. “EW EW EW! AUNTIE!”

Celestia turned to her with a disappointed expression. “I’m sorry, Cadance, but you’re getting married! I just can’t let the real you assist; it would be terribly poor form. You are welcome to watch, though.”

That was enough for Cadance, who ran away screaming about perversion.

Now that caused all three of us to just burst into laughter. When I was able to look up again, Chrysalis was back in her proper shape.

However, I was still being held by two spells.

“So, are you two going to let me go any time soon?”

Celestia looked to Chrysalis. They shared a predatory grin, though I have to admit that Chrysalis’s was much scarier.

Celestia said, “I don’t believe you’ve played with him yet, so I’ll wait until you have a turn before we share him.”

“So gracious!” Chrysalis said with mock surprise. Her grin grew deeper. “I’ll hold you to that. The deal about sharing him, I mean.” Oh fuck, they’re serious. “I don’t suppose… Would sweet little Luna be interested in joining us, perhaps?” Why am I smiling?

Celestia said, “She seems reluctant. Perhaps when she learns that Navarone has accepted the offer to join her Lunar order, she will relent.”

“I certainly hope so. What a lucky stallion he’ll be, to have three royals with him.” Oh God, they’re really serious!

Well, this trip to Canterlot just got a lot more fun.

“Quite,” Celestia said. Her horn stopped glowing. “Do treat him well, now; I would hate for him to be unable to… stand at attention… after the wedding.” With that and another wink, she turned around and walked the way she came.

“So uh… Why is she acting like that?” I asked when we couldn’t hear her anymore. “I mean, she’s been strange before, but never this bad.”

Her smile dropped a bit. “You can’t tell? Really?” I shrugged. “She’s in heat.” Chrysalis grinned again. “Now come along. I believe I made a promise of sorts to your princess.” I was still floating, by the way. ‘Come along’ was more like ‘passively float behind me.’

The situations I find myself in. I swear.

I mean, really. What the fuck? I’m not complaining, but hell!

(Sex is coming. Ctrl+f Sex is over to skip)

“You know, many changelings would kill to be in your position,” she idly commented as I floated behind her.

“You probably won’t hear any complaints out of me, Chrysalis. I’ll admit, you’ll probably be the weirdest thing I’ve fucked so far, but at this point, I’m all about exoticism.”

She sniffed. “Oh, am I just another species to add to your list? Is that all you see me as?”

“I don’t remember saying that. While I am happy that I can add another species, I do care about you.”

She swished her tail aside and turned her head around, winking at me in two different areas. For a second, I thought I saw something moving in her bughood, but I dismissed that as an illusion of desire. I did, however, see holes in her labia before her tail fell back into place.

“Like what you see?” she sweetly asked.

“You just have holes everywhere, don’t you?”

She giggled huskily. “And you’re going to get to play with a few of them.”

“A few, huh? You’re a naughty queen, aren’t you?”

“Let’s just say I push the limits of most of my lovers to their boundaries. And then I break those boundaries. I think with you, though, I’ll go gentle.”

I nodded. “Yeah, I like that idea. I’m not into the freaky shit, not after what I’ve been through.”

Thankfully, further conversation was cut off by us arriving at our destination. She continued holding me as we entered her room. “Doppel, leave. You may come back in a few hours.”

She looked between me and Chrysalis a few times before biting her lower lip. “Are you sure this is a good idea?”

“Do not make me repeat myself,” Chrysalis answered, starting to sound a bit angry. Doppel sighed and left, pulling the door shut behind her. Chrysalis nodded and carried me into the bedroom, gently setting me down on the bed. “Now, remove your clothes.”

I stood and did so, hoping she didn’t mind seeing some very different equipment than what she was probably used to.

She grinned and walked closer, bending me down to her level with magic and gently kissing me. Her fangs felt unwelcome against my mouth, but the kiss was still nice. When she let me go, she said, “I can be anypony—or anyone—you want.” She morphed into a random human woman. “Homesick?” a voice asked. She morphed into Sweetie Belle and I shivered. “Or perhaps interested in forbidden fruit?” She morphed into Cadance. “Or maybe you really are interested in our little pretty princess?”

I shook my head, taking hold of her face by her cheeks. “No, Chrysalis. If we’re going to do this, I want you. It’s only fair, since you’re just getting me.”

She morphed back into herself, blushing. “No one but changelings have ever… Well, not willingly. Are… are you sure you want me?”

“I’m here for Chrysalis, not any imitations.” I pulled her in for a kiss. She was shy, now, but I slowly warmed her back up. When I pulled away, she was still blushing a little, but she looked more willing to accommodate me.

“If that’s really what you want…”

I kissed her yet again. “It is. But before we do start, is there anything I need to know about your body?”

She held up a leg. “Our air holes are slightly sensitive.” She fluttered her wings. “As are our wings, but not nearly as sensitive as a pony’s. And… I don’t know how to say this, so let me just show you.” She turned around, swished her tail aside, and said, “Open my lips.”

I slowly teased them open and saw… “What in God’s name…” There were little appendages inside with what looked like nails at the end. In the center of the mass of writhing limbs was her green clit. I rubbed her outer lip with one hand and reached my other in there to gently poke at her clit. She let off a sigh of pleasure as the little feeler things reacted, closing weakly around my finger. “They won’t hurt me, will they?” They didn’t feel like they could. They looked sharp, but they were actually mostly fleshy. I imagined they were just there to make sure whoever her lover was didn’t try to pull out at the last minute.

“No, of cou—Oooh!” I had leaned in a bit further. As soon as she said it was safe, I stuck my tongue out and licked her little button. She pushed back into my face as I continued lapping at her folds. I reached my fingers around to her lips and poked through holes to hold her lips back as I explored her depths with my tongue. For a creepy bug creature, she was really sweet. I imagine that had something to do with all the love or whatever I had been feeding her.

She was gently panting while I continued exploring, her feelers erratically shifting against my tongue, presumably trying to guide me. I was having too much fun making her moan on my own to give into what those little pincer things wanted. I moved a few fingers to toy with her clit as I began spelling her name into her with my tongue.

When I dotted the i on her clit, she finally screamed out and came a nasty looking viscous green fluid. I sputtered, pulling away. “W-what?” I sputtered, still trying to discern the taste. I smacked my lips, actually focusing.

…

What the fuck? It was like a green jolly rancher. I looked at her slit to see some fluids left. I lifted a hand to my chin and felt some of it there. I shrugged and stuck my face back in, finishing the job by cleaning her up. I saw that her legs were somewhat shaky when I leaned back in, so I lowered my hands to her back legs and stuck each finger in a hole, holding her up and stimulating some apparently erogenous zones.

When I finally had her cleaned up, I pulled away with a grunt of disappointment from her. “You taste a lot better than I was expecting,” I commented as I let her tail flop back down.

“When… when you eat… raw love, that happens,” she answered, panting. “I haven’t had anypony do that to me in years!”

“Seems to me like you need better lovers.” I grabbed her haunches and pulled her in close, grinding against her. She gasped when she felt me. “You wanna do this here or on the bed?” I asked, giving her ass a nice slap for personal reasons. All it ended up doing was making my hand sting and reminding me that she was mostly in a carapace.

She giggled at my antics. “As much as I want you to take me like a peasant girl standing up, I fear my legs would give out.” I shrugged and let her go. She turned to face me and looked me up and down, taking in my manly physique. “You are very scrawny. And I was expecting more hair.” She shrugged. “But that is no matter.” She put a hoof to my chest and pushed back, tripping me onto the bed. I caught myself with my arms, holding myself up to see her push her head in and envelope my member with her mouth.

I felt her tongue wrapping around me. And then wrapping some more. And then some more. “Wha—” I managed to get out. She opened her mouth, revealing a very long and pointed tongue pulsating around my stiff manhood. She grinned at the shock on my face, revealing how I was fit perfectly around her fangs. She lightly shook her head once, making me hit both fangs. I flinched as I barely felt their tips around my member and she chuckled before finally closing her mouth and getting back to it, thankfully keeping her teeth away.

Her tongue was considerably more skilled than Kumani’s. It was also stronger, able to squeeze me perfectly and dance all up and down my member. When she slowly unwound her tongue and let her tip circle my head, I let out a sigh of pleasure. “God you’re good, Chrissy,” I whispered, running one of my hands through her hair as the other continued holding me up. She grunted by way of answer and wrapped her tongue around me again, drawing me in as far as she could get me.

Her tongue snaked out of her mouth and lapped at my balls, just getting them wet before pulling back in and continuing to toy with me. The hand on her head began rubbing at one of her ears. Her eyes met mine as she pulled her tongue away and gave a hard suck. I felt my eyes close and I took in a deep breath. Her tongue flicked out to continue its assault as I slowly let the breath out. I suppose a few thousand years will teach a girl how to suck a cock.

Soon—too soon—she pulled away with a slurp. “Wouldn’t want to ruin the main event,” she said in a sultry tone, sensing my disappointment. Her horn lit up and she pulled me off the bed before she hopped up to where I was and lying on her back, legs stretched out. She turned me around and set me down facing her. “Buck me hard,” she ordered, using magic to give me a small push to accentuate her point.

I looked over her body one last time and had a really funny thought. She saw me smirking and asked, “What’s wrong?”

I poked one of the holes on her legs. “I’m just imagining filling all of these with dicks.” She rolled her eyes and her horn glowed. I felt something smack me in the back of the head. “Yeah, yeah.” I stepped up to the edge of the bed and grabbed her back legs, lifting her up a little to give me a better angle. I positioned my head at her entrance. I could just barely feel the appendages inside squirming around, trying to grasp something she eagerly wanted. I grinned and began giving it to her, slowly pushing in. The fleshy pincers guided me in, crawling along my dick and giving me goose bumps.

As I slowly pushed in, I saw that she had her eyes shut. When I was finally inside she nodded and said, “Wait a moment, Nav.” I stopped moving. The pincers also stopped, just holding me steady. I felt Chrysalis tighten around me. She let out a breath and asked, “How is it now?”

I began pulling out, the feelers letting me go. I pushed in again to find it the perfect fit. I nodded. “Wonderful,” I answered.

“Then rut me like one of your filthy princesses.” That wasn’t exactly a very appealing mental image.

I smiled, not planning on ‘rutting’ her. I slowly began the rhythm, keeping a nice, even pace. It felt wonderful for me and I was hoping she felt the same. Each of my fingers was in a different hole on her back legs as I fucked her, so I was hoping she was feeling good. I know her feelers liked it; they were going wild down there, rubbing me in all the right ways.

She sighed. “I know you’re trying to make love to me, but don’t even bother faking it. I can feel your emotions, Nav. Treat me rough.”

“Well fine.” I dropped one of her legs and lowered my hand down to her clit, holding her somewhat on her side. I began picking up the speed, increasing both of our fun. I grinned when her massive tongue lolled out to the side, saliva gently dripping onto her bed as she panted and moaned.

It felt good to finally fuck a pony in my human body.

…Lines like that are why I’m glad this journal will never get home.

“Harder!” she moaned, breaking me from my horrifying reverie. I grinned and let her have her desire, fucking my favorite bug pony silly. I was finally starting to notice that her feelers actually were trying to guide me. I paused for a moment to grab her other leg and let the pincers take hold of me before picking up again.

She screamed out in pleasure when I thrust in that time. I grinned and grinded that spot, making her moan and call out something in a language I didn’t understand. I began thrusting again, hitting that special spot each time and making her entire body spasm in pleasure. Her wings were trying to flutter against the bed, but succeeded in nothing but making her look cute, for an insect.

Her eyes rolled up into her head before she shut them, surrendering her body to the pleasure I was dealing.

Of course, she wasn’t the only one suffering; whatever she did to make herself tighter was doing wonders for me, and as hard as she was on the outside, her insides were perfect, presumably groomed to make breeding as fast as possible.

The surprise motion of me letting one of her legs go and rubbing at her clit again was enough to send her over the edge. She mewled in pleasure and gushed out more green fluids, squeezing my manhood perfectly and getting me to cum as well, showering her insides. I let her ride her orgasm to its end before I pulled out, quickly softening in the cool air.

I shook my legs, walking around the room some while she caught her breath. “Hot white love isn’t as good as the real stuff,” she whispered, “but by the stars, it feels good…”

I grinned. “I’m happy you approve. Want me to grab my clothes and leave to let you recover?”

She picked her head up and looked at me with those sexy green eyes. “No. I want you to get on this bed and cuddle with me until you’re ready for round two.”

I sighed. “Since you’re the queen, I guess I have no choice…”

She smirked as I joined her on the bed, wrapping an arm around her and pulling her hard and unyielding body against mine. “Happy?” I asked when we were situated.

“I’ll be much happier after a few more rounds,” she idly commented, snuggling against my body. I grinned.

(Sex is over)